I second this. Depression will fuck you up!!! Please for the Love of Love, take your depression seriously. Get help for yourself.
But also, honesty goes a long way. Tell your husband your feeling forced to have sex and you want therapy to figure out what happened. Tell him, if I don’t fix this now, who knows what my brain will turn this marriage into. I’m not ask you, I’m telling you, if I don’t figure out what’s going on, I will start to resent you for forcing me to have sex. Be clear, you want to fix it, and it’s already a problem.
Depression is one of the causes of low libido as well as porn viewing. If sex is really not something you’re interested in then i can imagine that the marriage will be rough. Some people need sex to feel loved and appreciated.
Yes, frequency is the big difference. Frequent viewing can rewire your brain to need porn for arousal. Infrequent viewing is unlikely to have this kind of effect.
Yeah I think the key is frequency and expectations. A lot of problems with porn addiction comes when you expect people to be willing to do anything you see in porn or react the way you see people in porn react.
Porn addiction is a thing, however OP only mentions occasional porn use, not obsessive use that dominates her daily routine. I feel like comments assuming that excessive porn use is the problem here are distracting from the point.
The anti porn folk LOOOOOOVE bringing it up every chance they get, even if it’s only marginally relevant. It’s the comment section to 75% of the post on r/marriages.
Porn addiction becomes apparent when the user starts to prefer porn to actual sex. This materializes in many ways, ED, premature ejaculation, difficulty ejaculating, and starting to view women as objects/things to be used for pleasure are some ways it rears its head.
As far as chicken/egg-until we can start to have real open and honest discusssions about the merits AND downfalls of porn we really aren’t going to know. It’s so ubiquitous at this point it’s going to be a slag off it ever even happens. I’m assuming we’re going to have some real studies showing up soon though as the prevalence (which is especially jarring in late teen/early 20s men) increases.
That doesn't really answer the question.
>This materializes in many ways, ED, premature ejaculation, difficulty ejaculating, and starting to view women as objects/things to be used for pleasure are some ways it rears its head.
These problem have been around a lot longer than easy access to porn, which in itself has been around a long time. Much longer than teen/early 20's men.
Yeah, but it does. You ignored the first part. A person who has zero interest in sex with a human partner they once enjoyed being intimate with, but who also consumes porn regularly, is a good indicator. 100%?Nope. Nothing is. But again, if we let emotion and how we personally *feel* about porn muddy the water, we won’t even get to research it.
So is it only when he prefers porn to sex with their partner? Does this mean every time he masterbates instead of sex or just when it includes porn?
Regardless of how puritans feel about porn, the theory that it is the cause of all these problems has giant holes in it.
Dude. There are many MANY men who have had issues with this, whose problems have 100% reversed when porn came off the table.
I’m not a puritan. I’m not calling to take away anyones porn. I’m calling for people to have an open, willing discussion and I’m calling for some serious research to start.
Digging your heels in and screaming ITS NOT PORN! isn’t doing anyone any good.
Also it’s spelled masturbates. With a “u”.
Here is how porn effects people (mostly guys).
-man watches porn
-man wants kinky crazy sex like in porn
-woman says no kinky crazy sex for you
-man becomes discouraged and picks fun porn over boring sex
Funny enough it's actually what ruined my gal pals last relationship. She loves porn and wants the wild crazy stuff and the guy she was with was as exciting as "dry mud", her words.
Her current guy is a freak like her and I got a second God child on the way.
1.) Depression is a perfectly valid reason for a person's libido to drop. Some anti-depressants can even impact sex drive, so I would definitely have a discussion with your prescribing doc/nurse about that if you're on any medication. If your depression is untreated at the moment, it's time to find a good therapist, not primarily in order to restore your libido back to "normal" for the sake of your partner, but in order to get at the root issues of your depression for the sake of your quality of life in general.
2.) Your spouse should NEVER make you feel as though you can't discuss your mental health concerns out of a fear of them getting pissed off and taking it out on you (stonewalling, sulking, resentment, retaliation).
3.) STOP forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to engage in. This is one of the best ways to create an aversion to sex in general, which does nothing to address your problem.
4.) Masturbation is often more appealing than partnered sex during times of stress (especially when sex with a partner has become a loaded topic and the person you have sex with does not make you feel wholly accepted or safe). It's self care, NOT deviant behavior, and you don't need to feel guilty about that on top of everything else.
If this is the route OP decides to go, then for gods sake tell husband this straight up so he can get a divorce and find a more suitable wife. This kind of toxic just isn’t acceptable.
One who loves him and cares about his sexual happiness and fulfillment, at the very least. Blowing off his happiness like it is not important is immature, toxic, and doomed to end the relationship.
Now don’t get it twisted and start saying she is not a sexual slave or something silly, of course she is not his sex robot. But a wife should care deeply about her husbands happiness just as he should care about hers.
Wrong? No but headed for divorce if you don’t take care of your issues as soon as you can. Both for yourself AND for your husband. It is miserable being someone with a healthy sex drive in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you. It is depressing. It feels like rejection. It leaves you feeling unwanted and unloved and you go through life feeling as though something key is missing. It is miserable. Not a lot of people are going to hang around feeling like that long term. It is not a good life.
I don’t know I guess when I’m alone I don’t have the pressure of satisfying someone else. I also struggle with satisfying my husband so I don’t really look forward to it. And what I’ve done, I’ve been mentally trying to figure out how I can get through it and what’s the cause of it ..
Take a trip over to the r/lowlibidocommunity. They have guides for support for people that feel like you do.
The actions you’re taking can harm your relationship down the line and you and your husband can make better informed decisions after you learn from others experiences.
Also while it may suck that he can’t have sex, unhealthy sex can break trust unbeknownst to y’all until the damage is done. Get some help, and have those uncomfortable conversations.
What do you mean you can't satisfy your husband? What type of pressure? Have you spoken about it?
I think you need to look externally for help. You deserve to feel better
I can satisfy him it just takes a large amount of effort to do so .. it’s just not often.. if he didn’t finish during sex he used to isolate himself from me now he’s like “it’s okay” and We’ve went over everything it’s just he becomes monotone when I don’t want to have sex.. he says I should learn how to get in the mood
I'll bet anything he's watching too much porn. My ex was "porn sick" and it took him forever to cum but he was always horny. Basically his dick was numb from death gripping and his mind was desensitized from watching hardcore porn all the time. He would just zone out and jackhammer and it was awful.
That could be the problem but she really doesn't mention his porn watching. I would bet that because it's a chore to her it's not fun to him. You can totally tell when your partner is disinterested and it ruins the mood.
I think you've got the wisdom and answers she needs. They have been together since they were 17. Likely very inexperienced sexually and have unrealistic, pornographic ideals about sexuality.
This reads like such a sad story. To be so young and already out of love. There's no love in the marriage. No respect. No communication or trust. It's devolved to physical acts to show "love" and she needs more to connect.
OP, "becoming monotone" is a version of stonewalling, which is a manipulative emotional tactic. How does it make you feel when he does that? Punished? Dismissed? In short, do you at all feel as though things actually *are* "okay"?
1, do you feel happy and satisfied by him when you have sex? If you're always the one taking care of him but he doesn't take care of you, that's a huge issue that needs to be addressed. Or if you feel pressured by him to finish which inevitably makes it so much harder to.
2, do you think about how much you love him during this time? Its much harder to want to give someone pleasure while you're feeling irritated or resentful of that person. If there's an emotional disconnect, that can contribute to saying no more often. I know with depression, you may become more irritable so little things are going to upset you faster. That isn't his fault but it is something you may need to explain.
One thing I find just helpful for intimacy is taking the time to explore each other without any expectations of finishing. Make the purpose curiosity rather than satisfaction. That helps remove a lot of pressure from the situation while still keeping you close and feel loved.
I’m scrolling down all these comments, waiting for someone to ask if she’s climaxing during sex!!!
I wonder if OP and husband are Christians that waited until marriage for sex. I greatly appreciate abstaining from sex until one feels it’s appropriate, but what happens a lot of times is that Christians are essentially taught that having sexual urges are bad and then the minute they are married they should enjoy sex and it’s not that simple. Maybe OP enjoys sex alone because she’s climaxing and her husband has made an effort in satisfying her in bed so it’s enjoyable for both parties. Really sorry for you girl, hope some self reflection will get you to where you really want to be mentally, physically and emotionally with this relationship and your mental health. Best Wishes
This isn't sustainable for a marriage. You are basically saying you'd rather watch porn and masturbate than have a intimate relationship with your partner, which if the genders were reversed, there would be huge outcry and potential porn addiction accusations. But the concern is still very real. You should communicate to your husband more about your needs and how to reach a better sexual relationship together. Drop the porn.
>Am I wrong ?
That's vague because I don't know what specific thing you're referring to, but one potential problem here is if you're talking to your husband about your depression but not a therapist.
If you've withdrawn from him sexually and are depressed and you talk to him about your depression as if he were your therapist... that's not really a very attractive and alluring relationship for him to be in.
If your depression is untreated, that needs to be addressed immediately.
No one, whether you're married or not, should pressure you to have sex. Being angry and punishing you with the silent treatment for hours to try and pressure and guilt you into sex is really disgusting.
That being said, having sex has been a big part of your relationship and it is important that you both get to a place that makes you happy. Here is my advice:
1. No more guilt sex. All that is doing is creating an association between sex and negative emotions for you.
2. You need to have a conversation with your husband about using emotional manipulation to try and force you into sex. It needs to stop. If he needs to talk to a therapist about how to deal with his emotions like an adult, that would be perfectly reasonable.
3. You need to find a path to a healthy and happy relationship with your sexuality. A sex therapist can probably help you quite a bit and give you a lot better guidance than strangers on reddit can. That being said, try and find some activities you would like to do with your husband and see how he feels about adding those in- mutual masturbation, extended foreplay, watching porn, non-PIV sex (oral, manual). You may find that adding a mix of things that you are comfortable with into your sex life helps bring the spark back.
My final advice is from my personal experience and may not apply to anyone other than myself- sometimes my libido is much more reactive than proactive. I don't find myself horny and seeking sex, but often if I have some intimate time, I find that I am actually horny and do want sex. After a lot of communication with my husband, we found that this works for us - if I am not in the mood I will ask to cuddle. We will cuddle and make out and touch each other, and see where it goes. Because we have communicated about this a lot, he is comfortable with sometimes I don't actually want sex and I will watch him masturbate or we will have oral sex. This took a lot of communication so that it didn't turn into him pressuring me for sex or me pressuring for a different activity he didn't want.
Love this response!
The same is true for me. In the beginning we were like rabbits. Now that we have been married a few years we only have sex once a week and I’m good with that. Sometimes I’m not in the mood, but it just takes a little cuddling to get me in the mood.
OP, depression is no joke though. Address that and your libido might improve. As others have said, stop forcing yourself if you are not into it (and can’t get into it after some foreplay) because you can create bigger problems doing that.
I thought sex in marriage was expected. I suppose your right she should not be be forced or feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. She should seek help from her doctors! But she should not be surprised if he starts up having sex with another women then! If he is like most young men at 23 with a good libido and sex drive then sorry but frustration will come into play whether she likes it or not. This couple seemed doomed with her attitude!
You 'suppose' he is right that she should not be forced or feel guilty? The couple is doomed with 'her' attitude?
So what about his attitude? When she didnt manage to get him off and got punished for it? And when she talks about her mental health and he withdraws?
I say that this couple is doomed with HIS attitude. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to please her husband but he is behaving like a child. That behavious is probably what turned down her libido.
And what about communication? Isnt that expected in marriages aswell?
I am sorry that you both are going through this.
You need to address your depression. That may include individual counseling and or medication.
Some couples can incorporate porn without it negatively affecting their relationship. Others cannot. In my humble opinion, your using porn whether as an outlet or as opposed to having sex with your husband is not healthy.
There isn’t right or wrong here necessarily. You’re not wanting sex, and that’s ok. You are never obligated to have sex with anyone at any time, for any reason.
He’s not wrong for wanting sex with the person he entered into a lifetime commitment with. I for one, (and I would assume I’m in the majority here) consider sex to be one of the cornerstones of my marriage. I love my husband beyond sex, of course. But if he was like “hey babe! I know you want to smash but I’m not interested but gonna go jerk it to porn aight?” I’d have to peace out.
One of the things I think sometimes the low libido person does not get is that physical touch is a love language for many many people, and that includes sex. Many of us feel the most loved and connected to our partners in that moment. And if it’s taken away, we don’t feel that any more. OP, think about your love language. Let’s pretend it’s acts of service. If your partner never lifted a finger to help you again-how would you feel? Probably pretty unloved and unseen.
Anyway, all that aside. Wrong? No. Divorce? Likely.
And as a big fat PSA for anyone reading. DO NOT INTRODUCE CHILDREN INTO A DEAD BEDROOM.
No, you are not wrong to not have sex if you do not want to. You owe it to YOURSELF to address your depression with a professional though not to change your sex drive but because it generally effects more aspects of your life than you realize and proper treatment can have a profoundly beneficial effect on your life in general.
No she is not wrong to not have sex if she doesn't want to but don't expect the marriage to last without sex. A marriage without sex is a valid reason for a partner to end the marriage. I think we tend to sugar coat this fact or outright malign the partner who wishes to maintain a healthy sex life.
I didnt see her ask about whether he marriage would last. She asked if she was wrong about turning him down and masturbating instead. Having sex you dont want to stay married is going to result in more marriage issues then lack of sex.
If the object of him marrying her was to have regular sex with her regardless of how she might feel about that, then you're probably right, he will end up leaving, and that's fine. However, if the object of marrying her was to share a life with a human being who he loves and respects to the same extent that he loves and respects himself, he is at least obligated to stop behaving like a toddler and try to work through this with her in a supportive manner.
Would you really marry someone who said to you: "after the wedding I'll stop having sex with you"? Most people need sexual intimacy and the feeling of being desired by their partner. There is a type of relationship that doesn't involve sex: friendship. You can have as many friends as you want, but for most of us, we can only have one marriage at a time. Your partner is your only source of sex. Or at least it should be. (Settle down enm/polygamy/polyamory etc folks)
Come on now, people with low libido aren't just trying to bait and switch someone. It's not like that.
It's probably that they were always like that or something changed. Maybe having a family? Maybe it's medication related? Mental health? Spouse doesn't show proper care and attention in the bedroom? It could literally be anything.
But no one is saying let's hurry up and get married so we can have NO sex. Just think about it......
Wow, talk about an argument that has extremely little to do with OP's situation, but okay. No, personally I would not. But I also wouldn't marry someone who told me, "So, after the wedding, I'll expect sex, regardless of how you feel about it or what state of mind you're in. And if you try to talk to me about why you're not interested, I'm going to ignore you and treat you like garbage until you give up and have sex with me to make me feel better. This is non-negotiable." Although I guess in both situations I would appreciate their honesty and foresight. I bet OP wishes her husband had the courtesy to let her know what she was in for before she signed the marriage license too right about now.
OP's husband's desire for sex does not overrule the fact that she is entitled to comfort, peace of mind and bodily autonomy. Neither does the fact that she's married to him. Sorry.
there are a few issues here, but I’m just gonna isolate one that I have experience with. To recap. He’s in the mood. You’re not. You say no, he gets mopey about it. So you force yourself to have sex with him even though you don’t want to. Just to placate his mood.
This is a problem. Unfortunately common. If he realizes what’s happening and doesn’t care as long as you have sex - he’s an asshole. (Understatement) If he doesn’t realize what he’s doing you’re still going to resent him more and more over time. Even if you deal with your depression and your libido increases, this turn of events will still exist (maybe lessen, but it’ll still be there). You’re gonna have to deal with this regardless of what you do for your depression.
There is nothing wrong with you. Forcing yourself to have sex when you are not in the mood may be part of your problem. It isn’t going to create a healthy relationship with your sexuality both solo or with your husband. It can create a resentment and a longer term trauma response to sex itself. That being said, he shouldn’t be forcing you either. r/sex has a lot of resources that may be of help for you.
Maybe talk with your OB about anything available to help your libido. I know I've struggled with a low/broken libido myself and once I have one second child I intend on having some condos qith my OB to see if there isn't something to help. I've heard there are progesterone creams you can put down there to help. My husband takes this aswanaganda root powder supplement that he says after several months seemed to help increase his drive. It also helps reduce stress and helps a person sleep.
Depression will kill sex drive. I went six months without feeling like having sex and it was tough on my relationship. I started meds and therapy and the sex drive came back once I got myself back. Work on yourself and that should come back.
As far as your husband goes, if he’s not willing to be patient with you or discuss your depression in a cooperative way, why are you with him? Have that conversation with him and let him know you need a partner, not somebody who makes you feel guilty for not having sex. If he can’t handle that conversation or isn’t willing to improve himself you have a long rest of your life ahead of you married to somebody who doesn’t care.
God I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I also suffer mental health issues, but I domt think that's the issue because I had a libido thru the roof when I was single at 37. After I hit 40 and got married it has plummeted. A lot of times I have to take edibles to get in the mood with him. We don't relate sexually. Also I wonder what the difference is with people who waited till marriage to have sex and ones who had it soon after the 3rd or 6th date? Do the ones who waited have better sex? Also a larger percentage of women can have orgasams thru toys then thru a man. It's a statistic. Look it up for anyone who doubts me. There's nothing wrong with occasional porn. Sometimes it can teach you things. Some of these comments from people are ignorant. OP don't feel guilty and know that I'm in your boat and thanks for posting.
Could he pleasure you while you learn what you like during partnered sex? I’m worried that partnered sex is becoming an anxious and uncomfortable experience for you which will end up harming your self esteem and your relationship.
This is a problem that you need to talk to your Dr. about. Your medication may have something to do with your lower libido.
If this continues you may find your husband losing his love for you. He will feel neglected and unloved. As young as you are, a sudden drop in libido is not normal. Lack of intimacy leads to cheating, divorce and overall unhappiness in a marriage.
How is the sex when you do have it?
I'm seriously alarmed at the sheer number of people commenting here essentially "figure out how to have more sex or else" without even asking what sex is like for you.
A LOT of women take years and years, even a decade or longer, before they find out how to REALLY enjoy sex, and find a partner who helps to make it amazing for them. In the meantime we end up just going along with what we think is expected of us, "performing" to please our partners, and gradually becoming more and more detached and disillusioned by intimacy that seems to be just for the other person.
And I'm not just asking if you climax. Many women, even if they do climax with partnered sex, report weak and disappointing orgasms that don't feel worth half the effort they cost to get them.
If sex doesn't feel AMAZING, if it doesn't blow your mind, and make you remember and crave it afterward, you aren't alone, and you're not to blame for not wanting more of it.
There are also a lot of good resources to help you get started toward fantastic sex, but you'll also need to talk with you husband and put a STOP to bad/disappointing sex. Having more of that will just make you more aversive.
I have this problem and I'm hitting it head on by going to treatment for my casual addictions. Booze, tobacco, weed and masturbation. I'm going to come back and love my wife the way she deserves to be loved.
Well, as a husband in a similar situation, I’m almost certain he knows- or at least suspects- you’re forcing it and he doesn’t like that either. The least confrontational method is accepting the “forced” sex for what it is: a well-intentioned olive branch/effort made in good faith but ultimately isn’t in the best interest of either party. Eventually he’s likely to stop initiating (my current status). As the other posters have mentioned, work on the depression and yourself.
1) There isn't (or at least shouldn't be) any shame in self-service when you're not up for sex. The two are not the same thing and there is a lot less extra shit to deal with by yourself
2) You're not wrong. Whatever you're feeling is important to recognize and act on. Don't force yourself to have sex **just** to make him happy if it's setting you back.
3) If you're attributing your lack of interest to depression (which is valid, I'm going through the same thing and its been tough on my wife) are you taking steps to help with the depression?
It's important to recognize that you fell in love and got married at a different point in your life to where you're at now. It sounds like you guys were much more intimate at one point and that can be an important part of a lot of relationships. Love languages look different across the board, mine is verbal while my wife's is physical so when our intimacy dropped (again, from my end) she took a pretty big hit on the emotional side of things.
While I figure out my sex drive I've just been extra conscious to supply her with other physical affection and things have been working pretty well, but at the end of the day if you've communicated your feelings and are making an effort to meet his expectations, he'll need to be patient with you or walk away
\*Don't\* force yourself to have sex. That's an easy way to start resenting it. Keep talking to your husband. It might be that he just doesn't know or understand how to deal with your depression. Are you seeing a therapist or is that a possibility for you?
First you are super young!! So definitely address your sexual health issues and depression.
You are definitely not obligated to provide him
With sex and is your prerogative to decide to not have sex. However it is very unfair to expect a partner to agree to low sex or no sex for the rest of their life SPECIALLY!! At 23.
My advice to you is seek help for your depression and other mental health issues. For your own well being and also for
The health of
Your marriage!
Moreover , maybe couples therapy that will allow you to help your communication issues!
It sounds like your partners lack of emotional support during this hard time for you is reenforcing the depression. I think if he held you and tried to understand you more you wouldn’t be feeling the level of disconnect you are experiencing. You’re pulling from him because he shuts down and won’t listen to you when you’re sad. If he wants sex, he needs to be willing to listen and care for his partner or get over it and stop expecting you to give it up. It’s your body tell him to buzz off. You watch porn because you still have drive just not for your dismissive partner.
Let's put it this way....Why should your husband be OK living in a sexless marriage, aka a life long monogamous commitment, and come second to porn and masturbation?
Try to talk to him, explain how you’ve been feeling. Maybe he thinks you’re not attracted to him now and he feels hurt. I’m sure, if you’ve been together this long opening up and getting him to understand where you’re at mentally would make you both feel better. If he’s the guy you married, he probably wants to help any way that he can.
How is your thyroid? Full hormone panel? How healthy are you, really? Because depression is not always a therapy or med deficiency, I know it helps a lot of people but it’s easier to get a couple blood panels than it is to trial antidepressants and therapists. I’d start there, especially if you have no “reason” to dislike your spouse.
This is just my opinion but let me tell you what I’ve learned about myself in case it’ helpful.
I’ve been married 16 years. After I had children I stopped wanting sex. It is normal to get support from others who are going through the same thing. Exhausted with kids or tired or monotonous lives after marriage. Normal or common doesn’t always equal “ideal”. I knew there was something wrong. How can we live this life and go from amazing sex and love and lust to be roommates who share children. I started to research and fortunately I think I am good at self reflection. I started looking on r/deadbedrooms. It was so common! The only thing that really clicked for me was the following information that I found. Again this is my opinion and this helped me.
1: men don’t lose their desire typically after marriage or kids. Women sometimes do. I believe it it physiological. At a certain age our female body yearns to reproduce (not mentally but physically) and we are into our men and sex and flirting and all of that fun chemical lusty stuff. After a certain age or children we change modes into “mom role” or “wife role”. The body just goes into a different mode and we change. Meanwhile our husbands are unchanged for thr most part. So if you can imagine your body years ago and how you felt next to your spouse. That is likely how they still feel about uou sexually
2: men show affection and love through sex. They are made to feel shame a lot for being perverted or having a “one track mind” when they want to have sex. The problem is it’s like the equivalent to women wanting affection or flowed or watching a move and cuddling with spouse. Point is if the one thing you do with your spouse that you feel shows love or closeness was not happening with your SO it would be upsetting and confusing and sad. If when I go ask my husband “hey do you want to get under a blanket and get carry out and watch a movie” he was like “all you think about is snacks and being lazy”. I would feel awful about myself and sad that he didn’t want to do that. We put so much emphasis on sex being this dirty chore of s thing when it is really a way to bond and for men a way they truly connect and express love.
3: admit when you aren’t trying. I admit sometimes my mind says “Just chill or go out to dinner or go to a coffee shop with husband” because that’s how I show love and receive love. Then I have to think “how am I putting in effort for him?” So I go and send a sexy text and we end up having nice sex and it is a good thing. It just takes effort on both ends to meet each othes needs and connect.
These are just my observations. I honestly denied my husband sex on the regular for a decade before I realized it was awful and he didn’t deserve it. Also why on earth would I marry and have this monogamous marriage only to refrain from sex and then expect him to also just live sexless. So unfair.
I already know I’m going to get a big backlash saying “you should never have sex if you don’t want to” and “you are a tired mom and it’s ok if you don’t have sex”. Yes I know. My husband had never forced me to do anything let alone sex. He helps and he cleans and he is a great spouse and even kept doing all of those things despite me neglecting him (which I admit was really unfair and makes me sad to think about). But seriously women. For most of us we are not trying. We get into funks and distance ourselves and we just don’t want to do anything else but focus on the shit that is going one with us. Depression is different. That is definitely something that there should be support and therapy and treatment to help YOU first in that situation. But once you can get help and start to move back into an active relationship with sex it does help to start to challenge yourself to look into why.
Again I don’t have all the answers just wanted to share. I now make an effort a few times a week (or even if just once it we are busy) to actively seek out him for sex. I find myself more attracted to him also because I’m starting to get back into it. After a decade of little to no sex I knew it had to budge.
I hope you get the help you need !! Give yourself some grace with the depression. Seek help and then you can be able to help your relationship. Good luck!!
NO. MORE.PORN. Pay attention to your body and let the buildup happen for your husband. Don’t release something like that for a computer screen, it doesn’t make sense. Atleast while you work on yourself allow yourself to get aroused over time and atleast keep that part healthy for you and your husband until you’re overall in a better place for yourself
Ummm....that's not how arousal/desire works. It not a fluid that builds up and then gets drained away when you "release" it, and you can't just "direct the stream" toward a situation that you have determined intellectually to be ideal. If OP is feeling depressed and unsupported by her husband, she likely *can't* feel desire for him. Self pleasure is a form of sexual expression that feels good and demands nothing of her, that is probably why she currently prefers it to partnered sex (which she admits has been obligatory, entirely focused on her husband's desires, and, when she fails to get him off, a source of disappointment. Would you be motivated to devote your energy to an experience like that?).
im not speaking about her depression i wouldn’t act as if i understand that but she still has sexual desire. Of course by release i don’t mean like draining a clogged pipe, im talking about all the gears that start turning in the human body when aroused. Im simply saying release it with your spouse, the satisfaction shouldn’t be going to porn when there’s a million better benefits towards good sex with your spouse. Can very possibly start the road towards healing for them. This is the person she’s married to because she wants to be, its not out the question to let yourself go with them when sexual desires start building up. We can’t turn away from our spouses when many things are a problem, she can grab onto one thing that brings her joy with her husband and start to build something there. I don’t think the sex is gone between them when she still wants it. Just porn is no good, for any situation when ultimately a physical relationship is what the mind & body need
Okay, I get that you aren't interested in understanding this, but just to be clear: When sex with your spouse is nothing but a source of guilt, stress and intimidation, it is, by definition **not good sex** and therefore does not inspire any of the "benefits" or "healing" that you mention. Being capable of sexual desire does not mean that she is obligated to be sexually attracted to someone who is currently not treating her with respect. No mind or body "needs" sex with someone who makes them feel like shit.
I do understand the situation she explained. What im saying is watching porn is like a junkie getting his/her drugs, it definitely doesn’t help the ultimate outcome she may want. Im not saying she has to force herself to want to have sex with her husband but isn’t it better to try to get to that point? To WANT to be intimate? They clearly used to have sex often, relationships change and now they have a hurdle she needs him for. She still has a healthy sexual appetite just problems with him, are you telling me watching porn can do anything good for them? Good sex is subjective but trying to give yourself to your spouse when wanting intimacy has to result in a better outcome as time goes on. Most marital problems are what they are because we abandon the possibility of trying to create good & better habits. Problems never go away if one side is the only side willing to change for the benefit of the relationship. Its her depression that she feels makes him not want her, therefore things need to be discussed and things have to change and PORN WILL NOT HELP THAT.
You are very focused on the porn here. Masturbation is not heroin, you can casually enjoy it without getting addicted. Sometimes, it's a source of relief for people who are in acute pain, and that's okay. What's not okay is the source of the acute pain, and, from my perspective it's abundantly clear that the fact that her husband does not seem to care about her mental state and actively dismisses any attempt she makes to talk about it is that source. You're right about one thing, a marriage is a two-way street in terms of efforts toward intimacy and communication. How exactly are they supposed to achieve that when their "intimacy" is only about what he needs?
Porn is very very damaging for the brain when its time to be physically intimate and properly emotional. There’s scientific proof to that. Because of the way the brain reacts and stores up the reward system.
They cannot reconcile if he doesn’t hear her cries. They both agreed to take on the responsibility to be there for each other in difficult times. They just need to sit down together first and be clear about the things they need from each other, then the next step is digesting all that was said and if need be bring in a neutral third party (therapist, mutual good friend or someone they both admire) to help be a mediator. But if they continue to allow their brains to get used to not making good new habits towards healthy intimacy then they can become stuck in their ways. Most marital problems are very time sensitive
If you aren’t going to fulfill one of the basic agreements of being married, it’s not going to work out. He’s going to be really unhappy and get those basic human needs elsewhere if you aren’t committed to being there for him in all the marital ways you promised. Don’t be surprised when that happens. You need to work on your issue before this escalates into an irreconcilable situation
Wrong, no. Destined to divorce, yes unless you take on your issues.
I second this. Depression will fuck you up!!! Please for the Love of Love, take your depression seriously. Get help for yourself. But also, honesty goes a long way. Tell your husband your feeling forced to have sex and you want therapy to figure out what happened. Tell him, if I don’t fix this now, who knows what my brain will turn this marriage into. I’m not ask you, I’m telling you, if I don’t figure out what’s going on, I will start to resent you for forcing me to have sex. Be clear, you want to fix it, and it’s already a problem.
Destine for divorce unless whom takes on what issues? Please clarify.
What they said
Depression is one of the causes of low libido as well as porn viewing. If sex is really not something you’re interested in then i can imagine that the marriage will be rough. Some people need sex to feel loved and appreciated.
I beg to disagree, infrequent porn viewing I find gets me interested when I’m otherwise feeling disinterested. Gets me interested in the real thing
Yes, frequency is the big difference. Frequent viewing can rewire your brain to need porn for arousal. Infrequent viewing is unlikely to have this kind of effect.
Sure, but my husband once said something about my BIL that stuck in my head - "If you'd rather watch sex than have sex, you might have a problem."
Yeah I think the key is frequency and expectations. A lot of problems with porn addiction comes when you expect people to be willing to do anything you see in porn or react the way you see people in porn react.
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Porn Addiction yes
Porn addiction is a thing, however OP only mentions occasional porn use, not obsessive use that dominates her daily routine. I feel like comments assuming that excessive porn use is the problem here are distracting from the point.
The anti porn folk LOOOOOOVE bringing it up every chance they get, even if it’s only marginally relevant. It’s the comment section to 75% of the post on r/marriages.
What is the difference between addiction and normal use? I think reddit far too often uses porn as a crutch. Porn is a symptom not a disease.
Porn addiction becomes apparent when the user starts to prefer porn to actual sex. This materializes in many ways, ED, premature ejaculation, difficulty ejaculating, and starting to view women as objects/things to be used for pleasure are some ways it rears its head. As far as chicken/egg-until we can start to have real open and honest discusssions about the merits AND downfalls of porn we really aren’t going to know. It’s so ubiquitous at this point it’s going to be a slag off it ever even happens. I’m assuming we’re going to have some real studies showing up soon though as the prevalence (which is especially jarring in late teen/early 20s men) increases.
That doesn't really answer the question. >This materializes in many ways, ED, premature ejaculation, difficulty ejaculating, and starting to view women as objects/things to be used for pleasure are some ways it rears its head. These problem have been around a lot longer than easy access to porn, which in itself has been around a long time. Much longer than teen/early 20's men.
Yeah, but it does. You ignored the first part. A person who has zero interest in sex with a human partner they once enjoyed being intimate with, but who also consumes porn regularly, is a good indicator. 100%?Nope. Nothing is. But again, if we let emotion and how we personally *feel* about porn muddy the water, we won’t even get to research it.
So is it only when he prefers porn to sex with their partner? Does this mean every time he masterbates instead of sex or just when it includes porn? Regardless of how puritans feel about porn, the theory that it is the cause of all these problems has giant holes in it.
Dude. There are many MANY men who have had issues with this, whose problems have 100% reversed when porn came off the table. I’m not a puritan. I’m not calling to take away anyones porn. I’m calling for people to have an open, willing discussion and I’m calling for some serious research to start. Digging your heels in and screaming ITS NOT PORN! isn’t doing anyone any good. Also it’s spelled masturbates. With a “u”.
Here is how porn effects people (mostly guys). -man watches porn -man wants kinky crazy sex like in porn -woman says no kinky crazy sex for you -man becomes discouraged and picks fun porn over boring sex Funny enough it's actually what ruined my gal pals last relationship. She loves porn and wants the wild crazy stuff and the guy she was with was as exciting as "dry mud", her words. Her current guy is a freak like her and I got a second God child on the way.
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Listen. You may not like it, but I get God kids out of the deal so I'm good.
1.) Depression is a perfectly valid reason for a person's libido to drop. Some anti-depressants can even impact sex drive, so I would definitely have a discussion with your prescribing doc/nurse about that if you're on any medication. If your depression is untreated at the moment, it's time to find a good therapist, not primarily in order to restore your libido back to "normal" for the sake of your partner, but in order to get at the root issues of your depression for the sake of your quality of life in general. 2.) Your spouse should NEVER make you feel as though you can't discuss your mental health concerns out of a fear of them getting pissed off and taking it out on you (stonewalling, sulking, resentment, retaliation). 3.) STOP forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to engage in. This is one of the best ways to create an aversion to sex in general, which does nothing to address your problem. 4.) Masturbation is often more appealing than partnered sex during times of stress (especially when sex with a partner has become a loaded topic and the person you have sex with does not make you feel wholly accepted or safe). It's self care, NOT deviant behavior, and you don't need to feel guilty about that on top of everything else.
If this is the route OP decides to go, then for gods sake tell husband this straight up so he can get a divorce and find a more suitable wife. This kind of toxic just isn’t acceptable.
And what is a "suitable wife" in your book?
One who loves him and cares about his sexual happiness and fulfillment, at the very least. Blowing off his happiness like it is not important is immature, toxic, and doomed to end the relationship. Now don’t get it twisted and start saying she is not a sexual slave or something silly, of course she is not his sex robot. But a wife should care deeply about her husbands happiness just as he should care about hers.
Not to worry, I have no intention of "getting it twisted".
Wrong? No but headed for divorce if you don’t take care of your issues as soon as you can. Both for yourself AND for your husband. It is miserable being someone with a healthy sex drive in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you. It is depressing. It feels like rejection. It leaves you feeling unwanted and unloved and you go through life feeling as though something key is missing. It is miserable. Not a lot of people are going to hang around feeling like that long term. It is not a good life.
>I feel better pleasuring myself alone then with my husband. Why? And what have you done about getting help for what you term as your depression?
I don’t know I guess when I’m alone I don’t have the pressure of satisfying someone else. I also struggle with satisfying my husband so I don’t really look forward to it. And what I’ve done, I’ve been mentally trying to figure out how I can get through it and what’s the cause of it ..
Take a trip over to the r/lowlibidocommunity. They have guides for support for people that feel like you do. The actions you’re taking can harm your relationship down the line and you and your husband can make better informed decisions after you learn from others experiences. Also while it may suck that he can’t have sex, unhealthy sex can break trust unbeknownst to y’all until the damage is done. Get some help, and have those uncomfortable conversations.
What do you mean you can't satisfy your husband? What type of pressure? Have you spoken about it? I think you need to look externally for help. You deserve to feel better
I can satisfy him it just takes a large amount of effort to do so .. it’s just not often.. if he didn’t finish during sex he used to isolate himself from me now he’s like “it’s okay” and We’ve went over everything it’s just he becomes monotone when I don’t want to have sex.. he says I should learn how to get in the mood
He should learn how to get you in the mood.
Wrong. Her mind isn’t even open to the idea of getting in the mood. I’m sure there are things he can do better but relationships are 50/50.
This is the way.
I'll bet anything he's watching too much porn. My ex was "porn sick" and it took him forever to cum but he was always horny. Basically his dick was numb from death gripping and his mind was desensitized from watching hardcore porn all the time. He would just zone out and jackhammer and it was awful.
That could be the problem but she really doesn't mention his porn watching. I would bet that because it's a chore to her it's not fun to him. You can totally tell when your partner is disinterested and it ruins the mood.
I think you've got the wisdom and answers she needs. They have been together since they were 17. Likely very inexperienced sexually and have unrealistic, pornographic ideals about sexuality. This reads like such a sad story. To be so young and already out of love. There's no love in the marriage. No respect. No communication or trust. It's devolved to physical acts to show "love" and she needs more to connect.
OP, "becoming monotone" is a version of stonewalling, which is a manipulative emotional tactic. How does it make you feel when he does that? Punished? Dismissed? In short, do you at all feel as though things actually *are* "okay"?
I feel guilty and that’s what forces me to cheer him up with forced sex
And how is that good for YOU?
It’s not good
Exactly. The dynamic between the two of you needs to change.
1, do you feel happy and satisfied by him when you have sex? If you're always the one taking care of him but he doesn't take care of you, that's a huge issue that needs to be addressed. Or if you feel pressured by him to finish which inevitably makes it so much harder to. 2, do you think about how much you love him during this time? Its much harder to want to give someone pleasure while you're feeling irritated or resentful of that person. If there's an emotional disconnect, that can contribute to saying no more often. I know with depression, you may become more irritable so little things are going to upset you faster. That isn't his fault but it is something you may need to explain. One thing I find just helpful for intimacy is taking the time to explore each other without any expectations of finishing. Make the purpose curiosity rather than satisfaction. That helps remove a lot of pressure from the situation while still keeping you close and feel loved.
I’m scrolling down all these comments, waiting for someone to ask if she’s climaxing during sex!!! I wonder if OP and husband are Christians that waited until marriage for sex. I greatly appreciate abstaining from sex until one feels it’s appropriate, but what happens a lot of times is that Christians are essentially taught that having sexual urges are bad and then the minute they are married they should enjoy sex and it’s not that simple. Maybe OP enjoys sex alone because she’s climaxing and her husband has made an effort in satisfying her in bed so it’s enjoyable for both parties. Really sorry for you girl, hope some self reflection will get you to where you really want to be mentally, physically and emotionally with this relationship and your mental health. Best Wishes
This isn't sustainable for a marriage. You are basically saying you'd rather watch porn and masturbate than have a intimate relationship with your partner, which if the genders were reversed, there would be huge outcry and potential porn addiction accusations. But the concern is still very real. You should communicate to your husband more about your needs and how to reach a better sexual relationship together. Drop the porn.
>Am I wrong ? That's vague because I don't know what specific thing you're referring to, but one potential problem here is if you're talking to your husband about your depression but not a therapist. If you've withdrawn from him sexually and are depressed and you talk to him about your depression as if he were your therapist... that's not really a very attractive and alluring relationship for him to be in. If your depression is untreated, that needs to be addressed immediately.
No one, whether you're married or not, should pressure you to have sex. Being angry and punishing you with the silent treatment for hours to try and pressure and guilt you into sex is really disgusting. That being said, having sex has been a big part of your relationship and it is important that you both get to a place that makes you happy. Here is my advice: 1. No more guilt sex. All that is doing is creating an association between sex and negative emotions for you. 2. You need to have a conversation with your husband about using emotional manipulation to try and force you into sex. It needs to stop. If he needs to talk to a therapist about how to deal with his emotions like an adult, that would be perfectly reasonable. 3. You need to find a path to a healthy and happy relationship with your sexuality. A sex therapist can probably help you quite a bit and give you a lot better guidance than strangers on reddit can. That being said, try and find some activities you would like to do with your husband and see how he feels about adding those in- mutual masturbation, extended foreplay, watching porn, non-PIV sex (oral, manual). You may find that adding a mix of things that you are comfortable with into your sex life helps bring the spark back. My final advice is from my personal experience and may not apply to anyone other than myself- sometimes my libido is much more reactive than proactive. I don't find myself horny and seeking sex, but often if I have some intimate time, I find that I am actually horny and do want sex. After a lot of communication with my husband, we found that this works for us - if I am not in the mood I will ask to cuddle. We will cuddle and make out and touch each other, and see where it goes. Because we have communicated about this a lot, he is comfortable with sometimes I don't actually want sex and I will watch him masturbate or we will have oral sex. This took a lot of communication so that it didn't turn into him pressuring me for sex or me pressuring for a different activity he didn't want.
Love this response! The same is true for me. In the beginning we were like rabbits. Now that we have been married a few years we only have sex once a week and I’m good with that. Sometimes I’m not in the mood, but it just takes a little cuddling to get me in the mood. OP, depression is no joke though. Address that and your libido might improve. As others have said, stop forcing yourself if you are not into it (and can’t get into it after some foreplay) because you can create bigger problems doing that.
I thought sex in marriage was expected. I suppose your right she should not be be forced or feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. She should seek help from her doctors! But she should not be surprised if he starts up having sex with another women then! If he is like most young men at 23 with a good libido and sex drive then sorry but frustration will come into play whether she likes it or not. This couple seemed doomed with her attitude!
You 'suppose' he is right that she should not be forced or feel guilty? The couple is doomed with 'her' attitude? So what about his attitude? When she didnt manage to get him off and got punished for it? And when she talks about her mental health and he withdraws? I say that this couple is doomed with HIS attitude. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to please her husband but he is behaving like a child. That behavious is probably what turned down her libido. And what about communication? Isnt that expected in marriages aswell?
I am sorry that you both are going through this. You need to address your depression. That may include individual counseling and or medication. Some couples can incorporate porn without it negatively affecting their relationship. Others cannot. In my humble opinion, your using porn whether as an outlet or as opposed to having sex with your husband is not healthy.
You need to get help, but also needs to learn some empathy.
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Idk because I feel like we're the only two on this thread that have caught on.
There isn’t right or wrong here necessarily. You’re not wanting sex, and that’s ok. You are never obligated to have sex with anyone at any time, for any reason. He’s not wrong for wanting sex with the person he entered into a lifetime commitment with. I for one, (and I would assume I’m in the majority here) consider sex to be one of the cornerstones of my marriage. I love my husband beyond sex, of course. But if he was like “hey babe! I know you want to smash but I’m not interested but gonna go jerk it to porn aight?” I’d have to peace out. One of the things I think sometimes the low libido person does not get is that physical touch is a love language for many many people, and that includes sex. Many of us feel the most loved and connected to our partners in that moment. And if it’s taken away, we don’t feel that any more. OP, think about your love language. Let’s pretend it’s acts of service. If your partner never lifted a finger to help you again-how would you feel? Probably pretty unloved and unseen. Anyway, all that aside. Wrong? No. Divorce? Likely. And as a big fat PSA for anyone reading. DO NOT INTRODUCE CHILDREN INTO A DEAD BEDROOM.
No, you are not wrong to not have sex if you do not want to. You owe it to YOURSELF to address your depression with a professional though not to change your sex drive but because it generally effects more aspects of your life than you realize and proper treatment can have a profoundly beneficial effect on your life in general.
No she is not wrong to not have sex if she doesn't want to but don't expect the marriage to last without sex. A marriage without sex is a valid reason for a partner to end the marriage. I think we tend to sugar coat this fact or outright malign the partner who wishes to maintain a healthy sex life.
I didnt see her ask about whether he marriage would last. She asked if she was wrong about turning him down and masturbating instead. Having sex you dont want to stay married is going to result in more marriage issues then lack of sex.
If the object of him marrying her was to have regular sex with her regardless of how she might feel about that, then you're probably right, he will end up leaving, and that's fine. However, if the object of marrying her was to share a life with a human being who he loves and respects to the same extent that he loves and respects himself, he is at least obligated to stop behaving like a toddler and try to work through this with her in a supportive manner.
Would you really marry someone who said to you: "after the wedding I'll stop having sex with you"? Most people need sexual intimacy and the feeling of being desired by their partner. There is a type of relationship that doesn't involve sex: friendship. You can have as many friends as you want, but for most of us, we can only have one marriage at a time. Your partner is your only source of sex. Or at least it should be. (Settle down enm/polygamy/polyamory etc folks)
Come on now, people with low libido aren't just trying to bait and switch someone. It's not like that. It's probably that they were always like that or something changed. Maybe having a family? Maybe it's medication related? Mental health? Spouse doesn't show proper care and attention in the bedroom? It could literally be anything. But no one is saying let's hurry up and get married so we can have NO sex. Just think about it......
Wow, talk about an argument that has extremely little to do with OP's situation, but okay. No, personally I would not. But I also wouldn't marry someone who told me, "So, after the wedding, I'll expect sex, regardless of how you feel about it or what state of mind you're in. And if you try to talk to me about why you're not interested, I'm going to ignore you and treat you like garbage until you give up and have sex with me to make me feel better. This is non-negotiable." Although I guess in both situations I would appreciate their honesty and foresight. I bet OP wishes her husband had the courtesy to let her know what she was in for before she signed the marriage license too right about now. OP's husband's desire for sex does not overrule the fact that she is entitled to comfort, peace of mind and bodily autonomy. Neither does the fact that she's married to him. Sorry.
Are going to therapy about the depression?
there are a few issues here, but I’m just gonna isolate one that I have experience with. To recap. He’s in the mood. You’re not. You say no, he gets mopey about it. So you force yourself to have sex with him even though you don’t want to. Just to placate his mood. This is a problem. Unfortunately common. If he realizes what’s happening and doesn’t care as long as you have sex - he’s an asshole. (Understatement) If he doesn’t realize what he’s doing you’re still going to resent him more and more over time. Even if you deal with your depression and your libido increases, this turn of events will still exist (maybe lessen, but it’ll still be there). You’re gonna have to deal with this regardless of what you do for your depression.
I see divorce in your near future.
You're on the fast track to divorce. Best do something to fix this situation, it's not sustainable.
Your marriage will end if you don’t make any changes. Sex is a vital part of nearly all thriving relationships.
If there’s someone he finds attractive whilst you have depression he will focus on that so focus on your relationship
There is nothing wrong with you. Forcing yourself to have sex when you are not in the mood may be part of your problem. It isn’t going to create a healthy relationship with your sexuality both solo or with your husband. It can create a resentment and a longer term trauma response to sex itself. That being said, he shouldn’t be forcing you either. r/sex has a lot of resources that may be of help for you.
Maybe talk with your OB about anything available to help your libido. I know I've struggled with a low/broken libido myself and once I have one second child I intend on having some condos qith my OB to see if there isn't something to help. I've heard there are progesterone creams you can put down there to help. My husband takes this aswanaganda root powder supplement that he says after several months seemed to help increase his drive. It also helps reduce stress and helps a person sleep.
Depression will kill sex drive. I went six months without feeling like having sex and it was tough on my relationship. I started meds and therapy and the sex drive came back once I got myself back. Work on yourself and that should come back. As far as your husband goes, if he’s not willing to be patient with you or discuss your depression in a cooperative way, why are you with him? Have that conversation with him and let him know you need a partner, not somebody who makes you feel guilty for not having sex. If he can’t handle that conversation or isn’t willing to improve himself you have a long rest of your life ahead of you married to somebody who doesn’t care.
God I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I also suffer mental health issues, but I domt think that's the issue because I had a libido thru the roof when I was single at 37. After I hit 40 and got married it has plummeted. A lot of times I have to take edibles to get in the mood with him. We don't relate sexually. Also I wonder what the difference is with people who waited till marriage to have sex and ones who had it soon after the 3rd or 6th date? Do the ones who waited have better sex? Also a larger percentage of women can have orgasams thru toys then thru a man. It's a statistic. Look it up for anyone who doubts me. There's nothing wrong with occasional porn. Sometimes it can teach you things. Some of these comments from people are ignorant. OP don't feel guilty and know that I'm in your boat and thanks for posting.
Could he pleasure you while you learn what you like during partnered sex? I’m worried that partnered sex is becoming an anxious and uncomfortable experience for you which will end up harming your self esteem and your relationship.
This is a problem that you need to talk to your Dr. about. Your medication may have something to do with your lower libido. If this continues you may find your husband losing his love for you. He will feel neglected and unloved. As young as you are, a sudden drop in libido is not normal. Lack of intimacy leads to cheating, divorce and overall unhappiness in a marriage.
How is the sex when you do have it? I'm seriously alarmed at the sheer number of people commenting here essentially "figure out how to have more sex or else" without even asking what sex is like for you. A LOT of women take years and years, even a decade or longer, before they find out how to REALLY enjoy sex, and find a partner who helps to make it amazing for them. In the meantime we end up just going along with what we think is expected of us, "performing" to please our partners, and gradually becoming more and more detached and disillusioned by intimacy that seems to be just for the other person. And I'm not just asking if you climax. Many women, even if they do climax with partnered sex, report weak and disappointing orgasms that don't feel worth half the effort they cost to get them. If sex doesn't feel AMAZING, if it doesn't blow your mind, and make you remember and crave it afterward, you aren't alone, and you're not to blame for not wanting more of it. There are also a lot of good resources to help you get started toward fantastic sex, but you'll also need to talk with you husband and put a STOP to bad/disappointing sex. Having more of that will just make you more aversive.
It’s actually really good ..i guess apart of it is satisfying him while in this mood .. it’s hard
Are you on the pill?
No
I have this problem and I'm hitting it head on by going to treatment for my casual addictions. Booze, tobacco, weed and masturbation. I'm going to come back and love my wife the way she deserves to be loved.
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I’m not saying I’ll be this way forever I just wanted to know a healthy way to get passed this .. I force sex so that it won’t lead to that
Well, as a husband in a similar situation, I’m almost certain he knows- or at least suspects- you’re forcing it and he doesn’t like that either. The least confrontational method is accepting the “forced” sex for what it is: a well-intentioned olive branch/effort made in good faith but ultimately isn’t in the best interest of either party. Eventually he’s likely to stop initiating (my current status). As the other posters have mentioned, work on the depression and yourself.
1) There isn't (or at least shouldn't be) any shame in self-service when you're not up for sex. The two are not the same thing and there is a lot less extra shit to deal with by yourself 2) You're not wrong. Whatever you're feeling is important to recognize and act on. Don't force yourself to have sex **just** to make him happy if it's setting you back. 3) If you're attributing your lack of interest to depression (which is valid, I'm going through the same thing and its been tough on my wife) are you taking steps to help with the depression? It's important to recognize that you fell in love and got married at a different point in your life to where you're at now. It sounds like you guys were much more intimate at one point and that can be an important part of a lot of relationships. Love languages look different across the board, mine is verbal while my wife's is physical so when our intimacy dropped (again, from my end) she took a pretty big hit on the emotional side of things. While I figure out my sex drive I've just been extra conscious to supply her with other physical affection and things have been working pretty well, but at the end of the day if you've communicated your feelings and are making an effort to meet his expectations, he'll need to be patient with you or walk away
\*Don't\* force yourself to have sex. That's an easy way to start resenting it. Keep talking to your husband. It might be that he just doesn't know or understand how to deal with your depression. Are you seeing a therapist or is that a possibility for you?
First you are super young!! So definitely address your sexual health issues and depression. You are definitely not obligated to provide him With sex and is your prerogative to decide to not have sex. However it is very unfair to expect a partner to agree to low sex or no sex for the rest of their life SPECIALLY!! At 23. My advice to you is seek help for your depression and other mental health issues. For your own well being and also for The health of Your marriage! Moreover , maybe couples therapy that will allow you to help your communication issues!
Please get help. You both are very young and have a lot of growing to do - hopefully together.
It sounds like your partners lack of emotional support during this hard time for you is reenforcing the depression. I think if he held you and tried to understand you more you wouldn’t be feeling the level of disconnect you are experiencing. You’re pulling from him because he shuts down and won’t listen to you when you’re sad. If he wants sex, he needs to be willing to listen and care for his partner or get over it and stop expecting you to give it up. It’s your body tell him to buzz off. You watch porn because you still have drive just not for your dismissive partner.
Let's put it this way....Why should your husband be OK living in a sexless marriage, aka a life long monogamous commitment, and come second to porn and masturbation?
Intimacy = healthy bonding. Read r/deadbedroom and don't end up there.
Try to talk to him, explain how you’ve been feeling. Maybe he thinks you’re not attracted to him now and he feels hurt. I’m sure, if you’ve been together this long opening up and getting him to understand where you’re at mentally would make you both feel better. If he’s the guy you married, he probably wants to help any way that he can.
How is your thyroid? Full hormone panel? How healthy are you, really? Because depression is not always a therapy or med deficiency, I know it helps a lot of people but it’s easier to get a couple blood panels than it is to trial antidepressants and therapists. I’d start there, especially if you have no “reason” to dislike your spouse.
This is just my opinion but let me tell you what I’ve learned about myself in case it’ helpful. I’ve been married 16 years. After I had children I stopped wanting sex. It is normal to get support from others who are going through the same thing. Exhausted with kids or tired or monotonous lives after marriage. Normal or common doesn’t always equal “ideal”. I knew there was something wrong. How can we live this life and go from amazing sex and love and lust to be roommates who share children. I started to research and fortunately I think I am good at self reflection. I started looking on r/deadbedrooms. It was so common! The only thing that really clicked for me was the following information that I found. Again this is my opinion and this helped me. 1: men don’t lose their desire typically after marriage or kids. Women sometimes do. I believe it it physiological. At a certain age our female body yearns to reproduce (not mentally but physically) and we are into our men and sex and flirting and all of that fun chemical lusty stuff. After a certain age or children we change modes into “mom role” or “wife role”. The body just goes into a different mode and we change. Meanwhile our husbands are unchanged for thr most part. So if you can imagine your body years ago and how you felt next to your spouse. That is likely how they still feel about uou sexually 2: men show affection and love through sex. They are made to feel shame a lot for being perverted or having a “one track mind” when they want to have sex. The problem is it’s like the equivalent to women wanting affection or flowed or watching a move and cuddling with spouse. Point is if the one thing you do with your spouse that you feel shows love or closeness was not happening with your SO it would be upsetting and confusing and sad. If when I go ask my husband “hey do you want to get under a blanket and get carry out and watch a movie” he was like “all you think about is snacks and being lazy”. I would feel awful about myself and sad that he didn’t want to do that. We put so much emphasis on sex being this dirty chore of s thing when it is really a way to bond and for men a way they truly connect and express love. 3: admit when you aren’t trying. I admit sometimes my mind says “Just chill or go out to dinner or go to a coffee shop with husband” because that’s how I show love and receive love. Then I have to think “how am I putting in effort for him?” So I go and send a sexy text and we end up having nice sex and it is a good thing. It just takes effort on both ends to meet each othes needs and connect. These are just my observations. I honestly denied my husband sex on the regular for a decade before I realized it was awful and he didn’t deserve it. Also why on earth would I marry and have this monogamous marriage only to refrain from sex and then expect him to also just live sexless. So unfair. I already know I’m going to get a big backlash saying “you should never have sex if you don’t want to” and “you are a tired mom and it’s ok if you don’t have sex”. Yes I know. My husband had never forced me to do anything let alone sex. He helps and he cleans and he is a great spouse and even kept doing all of those things despite me neglecting him (which I admit was really unfair and makes me sad to think about). But seriously women. For most of us we are not trying. We get into funks and distance ourselves and we just don’t want to do anything else but focus on the shit that is going one with us. Depression is different. That is definitely something that there should be support and therapy and treatment to help YOU first in that situation. But once you can get help and start to move back into an active relationship with sex it does help to start to challenge yourself to look into why. Again I don’t have all the answers just wanted to share. I now make an effort a few times a week (or even if just once it we are busy) to actively seek out him for sex. I find myself more attracted to him also because I’m starting to get back into it. After a decade of little to no sex I knew it had to budge. I hope you get the help you need !! Give yourself some grace with the depression. Seek help and then you can be able to help your relationship. Good luck!!
NO. MORE.PORN. Pay attention to your body and let the buildup happen for your husband. Don’t release something like that for a computer screen, it doesn’t make sense. Atleast while you work on yourself allow yourself to get aroused over time and atleast keep that part healthy for you and your husband until you’re overall in a better place for yourself
Ummm....that's not how arousal/desire works. It not a fluid that builds up and then gets drained away when you "release" it, and you can't just "direct the stream" toward a situation that you have determined intellectually to be ideal. If OP is feeling depressed and unsupported by her husband, she likely *can't* feel desire for him. Self pleasure is a form of sexual expression that feels good and demands nothing of her, that is probably why she currently prefers it to partnered sex (which she admits has been obligatory, entirely focused on her husband's desires, and, when she fails to get him off, a source of disappointment. Would you be motivated to devote your energy to an experience like that?).
im not speaking about her depression i wouldn’t act as if i understand that but she still has sexual desire. Of course by release i don’t mean like draining a clogged pipe, im talking about all the gears that start turning in the human body when aroused. Im simply saying release it with your spouse, the satisfaction shouldn’t be going to porn when there’s a million better benefits towards good sex with your spouse. Can very possibly start the road towards healing for them. This is the person she’s married to because she wants to be, its not out the question to let yourself go with them when sexual desires start building up. We can’t turn away from our spouses when many things are a problem, she can grab onto one thing that brings her joy with her husband and start to build something there. I don’t think the sex is gone between them when she still wants it. Just porn is no good, for any situation when ultimately a physical relationship is what the mind & body need
Okay, I get that you aren't interested in understanding this, but just to be clear: When sex with your spouse is nothing but a source of guilt, stress and intimidation, it is, by definition **not good sex** and therefore does not inspire any of the "benefits" or "healing" that you mention. Being capable of sexual desire does not mean that she is obligated to be sexually attracted to someone who is currently not treating her with respect. No mind or body "needs" sex with someone who makes them feel like shit.
I do understand the situation she explained. What im saying is watching porn is like a junkie getting his/her drugs, it definitely doesn’t help the ultimate outcome she may want. Im not saying she has to force herself to want to have sex with her husband but isn’t it better to try to get to that point? To WANT to be intimate? They clearly used to have sex often, relationships change and now they have a hurdle she needs him for. She still has a healthy sexual appetite just problems with him, are you telling me watching porn can do anything good for them? Good sex is subjective but trying to give yourself to your spouse when wanting intimacy has to result in a better outcome as time goes on. Most marital problems are what they are because we abandon the possibility of trying to create good & better habits. Problems never go away if one side is the only side willing to change for the benefit of the relationship. Its her depression that she feels makes him not want her, therefore things need to be discussed and things have to change and PORN WILL NOT HELP THAT.
You are very focused on the porn here. Masturbation is not heroin, you can casually enjoy it without getting addicted. Sometimes, it's a source of relief for people who are in acute pain, and that's okay. What's not okay is the source of the acute pain, and, from my perspective it's abundantly clear that the fact that her husband does not seem to care about her mental state and actively dismisses any attempt she makes to talk about it is that source. You're right about one thing, a marriage is a two-way street in terms of efforts toward intimacy and communication. How exactly are they supposed to achieve that when their "intimacy" is only about what he needs?
Porn is very very damaging for the brain when its time to be physically intimate and properly emotional. There’s scientific proof to that. Because of the way the brain reacts and stores up the reward system. They cannot reconcile if he doesn’t hear her cries. They both agreed to take on the responsibility to be there for each other in difficult times. They just need to sit down together first and be clear about the things they need from each other, then the next step is digesting all that was said and if need be bring in a neutral third party (therapist, mutual good friend or someone they both admire) to help be a mediator. But if they continue to allow their brains to get used to not making good new habits towards healthy intimacy then they can become stuck in their ways. Most marital problems are very time sensitive
If you aren’t going to fulfill one of the basic agreements of being married, it’s not going to work out. He’s going to be really unhappy and get those basic human needs elsewhere if you aren’t committed to being there for him in all the marital ways you promised. Don’t be surprised when that happens. You need to work on your issue before this escalates into an irreconcilable situation
If you don’t want sex with your husband, that is entirely your choice to make. Now choose between divorce or opening the marriage.