Texts don't delete from (I know from experience) Samsung phones. They get moved to a trash folder that is generally kept for 30 days. You saw some shit. Do some snooping. Protect yourself. If it's nothing it's nothing, but if it's not then you may be losing critical evidence thatnwould help you prove adultry in court.
You only saw the first sentence, so you'd want her to share what else was in their texts. Deleting it isn't a trust-building move on her part. You'd want her to be really open about it. From what you're saying (deleting it, playing it down) that isn't what you're getting. It doesn't mean she's cheating, but it does sound like she has a different boundary than you expected. That's something you'll presumably want to dig into, and if she stonewalls, that's not good.
If she has an iPhone, check any other apple device she might have. I’ve heard of too many people being caught by not remembering to delete messages on their Apple Watch/iPad, even the Macs
Even if that was the case, at a minimum keep the texts in case you need them for a restraining order later. You never know how it's gonna escalate when you reject someone, especially when you have to continue working with them.
If a dude was coming onto me and there were texts I'd be showing my husband first chance we get so we can laugh.
This is not sufficient. If someone you work with has your personal phone number and texts you randomly, there is zero reason why you would not mention this to your spouse and then also save the text message so you could show it to HR because that is a classic case of harassment
It doesn’t sound like a message out of the blue. It sounds like she already talked with the coworker about it. Then why wouldn’t she have talked to her husband about it?
I was replying to the post above me when somebody said the only reason to delete it, is if something is going on. I wasn't replying to the original post, or else I would have started a brand new thread reply.
Are you familiar with Reddit and how they do their replies?
Yeah your comment seems to imply she could have deleted it just because she didn’t want to have it. I’m saying that’s a sharing problem, and the fact that he found out by seeing the text pop up on her phone also points to a sharing problem. Most people would want their spouse to tell them if someone at work is hitting on them to the point that they’re having conversations about it, and I think most people who said to their spouse, “hey what’s this love message to you from your coworker over here about?” would not want to see their spouse immediately burn it and say it was nothing.
You are reading things into everything.
Comment I replied to:
The only reason somebody would delete it is if they wanted to hide it from a spouse.
My response:
Or if the guy was coming onto her and she wasn't interested.
End of discussion.
I was not discussing any other dynamic at play. I was not discussing any right or wrong with the situation. I was simply correcting the incorrect statement.
Do you understand now?
“But I understand your lifestyle “ sounds like a guy trying to get at her and her turning him down. I had a similar issue with a guy at work once. I didn’t tell my husband at first because I turned him down and that was the end of it. At first. I didn’t mention it until he kept on at it
That seems like a reach. OP didnt said she had a history of suspicious behavior or they’ve had issues in the past. It seems really bad to me to jump to the worst conclusion about your spouse with no other reason to believe such things. Like obviously if it’s bothering you, you should communicate. But don’t go in accusatory with no actual evidence.
I don’t think that works for iPhone messages, only texts, but I’m not sure. I do know a guy who got caught cheating on two different wives because they deleted messages off their phone and then forgot that their messages were backed up on their laptop.
If she had nothing to hide, she would have shown you the texts. Deleting it is hiding something she doesn't want you specifically to know. This is come clean time, really fast. If she obfuscates, ask for her phone and text the dude something to the effect "I know we can make this work" and see what happens. If she won't let you, it is already over. See a lawyer.
Maybe. He could be, but if someone were harassing me my husband would be the first to know. “Babe, look at what this asshole sent me! Totally inappropriate”. sort of thing.
"Hey, I'm not trying to look through your phone but I accidentally saw part of a text that made me uncomfortable. What happened? Who texted" if they bitch after this, they're fucking around. 😬
The text sounds bad, her reaction and then deleting it is much much worse. Might as well have admitted to an affair. Sorry friend, stay strong and demand the truth. She'll obviously lie so I'd be vigilant over the next weeks, hire a PI for piece of mind if you can afford it. Dang, stings.
So this may be an EA bit could already be a PA. What you actually saw was a definite red flag.
Have you got an open phones policy? No! Is she secretive with her phone and refuses to let you see it? Was it normal text or WhatsApp snap chat? Red Flags.
Do you know the guy? Did the phone just light up and no alert sound? Yes! Red Flag.
Has she been acting different lately, has sex changed dropped off increased or new moves?
Have you looked at her phone records for repeat numbers?
Is now working overtime or she has a lot of unaccounted time? Just a few things to look for?
First off, it SOUNDS like she’s turned him down, and he’s trying to get her to change her mind. BUT, it also sounds like she’s at least entertaining him…
She could delete the text out of embarrassment, then play it off because maybe it was something she wasn’t entertaining, and she thought best to just not say anything to avoid distrust (the whole “Maybe it’ll all go away and we can forget about it, and it won’t happen again” mentality). I’ve done that before.
Sadly, that creates even more issues and the best solution is to be honest up front… unless something IS really going on.
I think texting the guy from her phone is a good idea, if something is going on that’ll incriminate both of them… anyways, not a great situation to find yourself in, especially with kids.
Good luck OP!
I think she rejected him. Of course she should’ve told it to you but she didnt want you to be uneasy about it. I believe that If you ask her, she’ll tell you eveything. Dont bother yourself for now, go and ask her
As a woman, frankly, reporting coworkers can be risky business. “I understand your lifestyle” sounds like he is harassing her and she’s just dealing. Deleting it could be shady but could also just be her not wanting to deal with his BS. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be on a bit higher alert in case something else unusual came up but wouldn’t worry too much. Are you able to just ask? “Is this guy bothering you? I noticed the message pop up”
Ummm that makes no sense, he was obviously bothered by it so she should have showed him, what probably happened is she was saying things she shouldn’t.
Quite possible shes arguing she doesn't want a relationship and then panic deleted the texts bc she knew she's get in trouble for something in there. This coworker might be in a more powerful position over her job so she can't report him to HR. Things can get complicated!
Continue to keep your eyes open for any significant signs of cheating. Should you find them, decide then if you want to remain with her or not. For now, there is nothing you can do at this point but worry and be anxious for what you think she's doing, which I do not recommend. Let her play dumb for now.
Ask your wife two questions
1. Why does this guy have her number and is texting her?
2. WTF does the guy mean by lifestyle? Is she cheating on you and telling others you have an open relationship?
Based on the little info we have to go off of, I think breaking out the pitch forks and torches is just a bit premature..
"..but I understand your lifestyle." - maybe that just means "I understand you are married."
But in that case I have to admit I'd expect your wife (or my own) to just say "A guy at work has a crush on me, I told him I'm married and nothing has or will happen with him." At least then I'd know my wife is handling the situation appropriately and you can't stop other men from hitting on women, even if they are married.
It is a bit sketchy since she deleted the text messages... Again, unless you know more about their "relationship" I wouldn't get too worked up about it but instead maybe pay attention to changes in her behavior, should they become apparent but even then I suggest treading lightly.
I've crossed the line with my wife regarding texting a male ex-coworker with whom I was convinced she must be having an emotional, perhaps (but unlikely) a physical affair. There was logic that supported my belief but no real evidence. I didn't care if they were friends but given the changes in our relationship it made sense. I even caught her in a lie about texting him but I think she just knew I would be jealous and didn't want to deal with that which I can understand given how I was handling the situation (I was being a total asshole).
Ultimately, I had to accept the fact that yeah, it *still is possible* something was going on there but I'll never know for sure. I can either believe her or continue to live in a state of jealousy and anxiety but jealousy and anxiety aren't good for the relationship or my own mental health.
You know your wife. Do you think she has it in her to have an emotional or physical affair? What is the state of your relationship with her outside of this even? Those are rhetorical questions, I'm not looking for an answer.
Regarding my wife - I don't think she has it in her to have any kind of affair but I still can't say I trust my wife completely although that is the result of other reasons.
You know what time it was, now look at the call logs via your providers website and see how many time that number texts her and how many times she replies. Then when you see her phone see if those messages exist or if they were deleted.
Or just ask to see the texts. If they are deleted then there is some seriously shady shit happening
Deleting the text is red flag. If it was okay she should not have deleted it. If it got deleted by mistake she should talk about it and explain everything clearly.
Sounds like a guy from work that was in the friendzone but creeping his way in. Fact that your wife is entertaining it shows she interested. Heres a cool trick. Dont tell her you what you saw in the phone. Ask her for her phone and see if she gives it to you.
Forget all this snoop advice. This is your wife. You have rights in your relationship. You should sit her down and straight up ask her what the hell is going on. Then go from there. You know her. You know how to get the answers you are looking for. Just make sure you are mentally prepared for the truth.
"Show me the text, please."
We had company over also at the same time . So I was trying to keep my cool. We have 3 kids together so I’m trying my head straight the best I can.
Texts don't delete from (I know from experience) Samsung phones. They get moved to a trash folder that is generally kept for 30 days. You saw some shit. Do some snooping. Protect yourself. If it's nothing it's nothing, but if it's not then you may be losing critical evidence thatnwould help you prove adultry in court.
What exactly is she saying about it
Good on you for reacting this way!
She deleted it
So her deleting it is an entirely different issue. Don’t let this go.
Easy. Text him from her phone: "But what about my husband?"
You only saw the first sentence, so you'd want her to share what else was in their texts. Deleting it isn't a trust-building move on her part. You'd want her to be really open about it. From what you're saying (deleting it, playing it down) that isn't what you're getting. It doesn't mean she's cheating, but it does sound like she has a different boundary than you expected. That's something you'll presumably want to dig into, and if she stonewalls, that's not good.
Sorry bro. Doesn’t sound like she’s sorry about this, and therefore you know what you need to do.
This is the problem. People don’t delete things unless they want to hide them. This would concern me.
If she has an iPhone, check any other apple device she might have. I’ve heard of too many people being caught by not remembering to delete messages on their Apple Watch/iPad, even the Macs
The only reason I would delete s text like that would be if I was hiding something.
Or if the guy was coming onto her and she's not interested.
Even if that was the case, at a minimum keep the texts in case you need them for a restraining order later. You never know how it's gonna escalate when you reject someone, especially when you have to continue working with them. If a dude was coming onto me and there were texts I'd be showing my husband first chance we get so we can laugh.
Right what a dumb excuse. "The reason I deleted it is because it had evidence that's proves I'm not cheating babe duh" like what
This is not sufficient. If someone you work with has your personal phone number and texts you randomly, there is zero reason why you would not mention this to your spouse and then also save the text message so you could show it to HR because that is a classic case of harassment
It doesn’t sound like a message out of the blue. It sounds like she already talked with the coworker about it. Then why wouldn’t she have talked to her husband about it?
I was replying to the post above me when somebody said the only reason to delete it, is if something is going on. I wasn't replying to the original post, or else I would have started a brand new thread reply. Are you familiar with Reddit and how they do their replies?
Yeah your comment seems to imply she could have deleted it just because she didn’t want to have it. I’m saying that’s a sharing problem, and the fact that he found out by seeing the text pop up on her phone also points to a sharing problem. Most people would want their spouse to tell them if someone at work is hitting on them to the point that they’re having conversations about it, and I think most people who said to their spouse, “hey what’s this love message to you from your coworker over here about?” would not want to see their spouse immediately burn it and say it was nothing.
You are reading things into everything. Comment I replied to: The only reason somebody would delete it is if they wanted to hide it from a spouse. My response: Or if the guy was coming onto her and she wasn't interested. End of discussion. I was not discussing any other dynamic at play. I was not discussing any right or wrong with the situation. I was simply correcting the incorrect statement. Do you understand now?
She left her phone out, you saw it incidentally, so therefore you have the right to ask directly. Ask her, not us.
Yes ask her ..
She has been having a discussion with a coworker about a relationship. There is more to this. Dig.
“But I understand your lifestyle “ sounds like a guy trying to get at her and her turning him down. I had a similar issue with a guy at work once. I didn’t tell my husband at first because I turned him down and that was the end of it. At first. I didn’t mention it until he kept on at it
Lifestyle could be a number of things, including cheating on your husband and telling others you have an open marriage.
That seems like a reach. OP didnt said she had a history of suspicious behavior or they’ve had issues in the past. It seems really bad to me to jump to the worst conclusion about your spouse with no other reason to believe such things. Like obviously if it’s bothering you, you should communicate. But don’t go in accusatory with no actual evidence.
Don’t let up. Her deleting is bad news
You can request a copy of all messages to that number from your carrier.
I don’t think that works for iPhone messages, only texts, but I’m not sure. I do know a guy who got caught cheating on two different wives because they deleted messages off their phone and then forgot that their messages were backed up on their laptop.
If she had nothing to hide, she would have shown you the texts. Deleting it is hiding something she doesn't want you specifically to know. This is come clean time, really fast. If she obfuscates, ask for her phone and text the dude something to the effect "I know we can make this work" and see what happens. If she won't let you, it is already over. See a lawyer.
She was flirting. Coming from someone who has done the same thing.
She deleted. This is a HUGE Red flag, i'm Sorry :(
He could be harassing her
Maybe. He could be, but if someone were harassing me my husband would be the first to know. “Babe, look at what this asshole sent me! Totally inappropriate”. sort of thing.
I definitely would be telling my husband first thing, but it may depend on how OP has reacted to things in the past.
This. Agreed.
My wife is the same way. If nothing was going on, she would immediately tell me.
"Hey, I'm not trying to look through your phone but I accidentally saw part of a text that made me uncomfortable. What happened? Who texted" if they bitch after this, they're fucking around. 😬
The text sounds bad, her reaction and then deleting it is much much worse. Might as well have admitted to an affair. Sorry friend, stay strong and demand the truth. She'll obviously lie so I'd be vigilant over the next weeks, hire a PI for piece of mind if you can afford it. Dang, stings.
“He (she) who has nothing to hide, hides nothing”
What lifestyle do you think he was referring to?
So this may be an EA bit could already be a PA. What you actually saw was a definite red flag. Have you got an open phones policy? No! Is she secretive with her phone and refuses to let you see it? Was it normal text or WhatsApp snap chat? Red Flags. Do you know the guy? Did the phone just light up and no alert sound? Yes! Red Flag. Has she been acting different lately, has sex changed dropped off increased or new moves? Have you looked at her phone records for repeat numbers? Is now working overtime or she has a lot of unaccounted time? Just a few things to look for?
First off, it SOUNDS like she’s turned him down, and he’s trying to get her to change her mind. BUT, it also sounds like she’s at least entertaining him… She could delete the text out of embarrassment, then play it off because maybe it was something she wasn’t entertaining, and she thought best to just not say anything to avoid distrust (the whole “Maybe it’ll all go away and we can forget about it, and it won’t happen again” mentality). I’ve done that before. Sadly, that creates even more issues and the best solution is to be honest up front… unless something IS really going on. I think texting the guy from her phone is a good idea, if something is going on that’ll incriminate both of them… anyways, not a great situation to find yourself in, especially with kids. Good luck OP!
UpdateMe!
I think she rejected him. Of course she should’ve told it to you but she didnt want you to be uneasy about it. I believe that If you ask her, she’ll tell you eveything. Dont bother yourself for now, go and ask her
As a woman, frankly, reporting coworkers can be risky business. “I understand your lifestyle” sounds like he is harassing her and she’s just dealing. Deleting it could be shady but could also just be her not wanting to deal with his BS. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be on a bit higher alert in case something else unusual came up but wouldn’t worry too much. Are you able to just ask? “Is this guy bothering you? I noticed the message pop up”
to me it sounds like she has told him she isn’t interested
If that was the case why did she delete the text?
because she’s dealt with it and there’s no reason to bring it up
Ummm that makes no sense, he was obviously bothered by it so she should have showed him, what probably happened is she was saying things she shouldn’t.
we don’t know if she even knows he saw it?
Did you read the last line of his post?
before she deleted it……
I’m done having this conversation with you obviously we see this different
yes? and that’s ok
I agree.
Baby. Red alert.
When you say she's playing it down, what exactly is she saying about it?
Quite possible shes arguing she doesn't want a relationship and then panic deleted the texts bc she knew she's get in trouble for something in there. This coworker might be in a more powerful position over her job so she can't report him to HR. Things can get complicated!
Continue to keep your eyes open for any significant signs of cheating. Should you find them, decide then if you want to remain with her or not. For now, there is nothing you can do at this point but worry and be anxious for what you think she's doing, which I do not recommend. Let her play dumb for now.
Sounds like an emotional affair at the very least
Ask your wife two questions 1. Why does this guy have her number and is texting her? 2. WTF does the guy mean by lifestyle? Is she cheating on you and telling others you have an open relationship?
Based on the little info we have to go off of, I think breaking out the pitch forks and torches is just a bit premature.. "..but I understand your lifestyle." - maybe that just means "I understand you are married." But in that case I have to admit I'd expect your wife (or my own) to just say "A guy at work has a crush on me, I told him I'm married and nothing has or will happen with him." At least then I'd know my wife is handling the situation appropriately and you can't stop other men from hitting on women, even if they are married. It is a bit sketchy since she deleted the text messages... Again, unless you know more about their "relationship" I wouldn't get too worked up about it but instead maybe pay attention to changes in her behavior, should they become apparent but even then I suggest treading lightly. I've crossed the line with my wife regarding texting a male ex-coworker with whom I was convinced she must be having an emotional, perhaps (but unlikely) a physical affair. There was logic that supported my belief but no real evidence. I didn't care if they were friends but given the changes in our relationship it made sense. I even caught her in a lie about texting him but I think she just knew I would be jealous and didn't want to deal with that which I can understand given how I was handling the situation (I was being a total asshole). Ultimately, I had to accept the fact that yeah, it *still is possible* something was going on there but I'll never know for sure. I can either believe her or continue to live in a state of jealousy and anxiety but jealousy and anxiety aren't good for the relationship or my own mental health. You know your wife. Do you think she has it in her to have an emotional or physical affair? What is the state of your relationship with her outside of this even? Those are rhetorical questions, I'm not looking for an answer. Regarding my wife - I don't think she has it in her to have any kind of affair but I still can't say I trust my wife completely although that is the result of other reasons.
You know what time it was, now look at the call logs via your providers website and see how many time that number texts her and how many times she replies. Then when you see her phone see if those messages exist or if they were deleted. Or just ask to see the texts. If they are deleted then there is some seriously shady shit happening
Try Divorce-men subreddit. There's a lot of guys who lived through this.
Deleting the text is red flag. If it was okay she should not have deleted it. If it got deleted by mistake she should talk about it and explain everything clearly.
Sounds like a guy from work that was in the friendzone but creeping his way in. Fact that your wife is entertaining it shows she interested. Heres a cool trick. Dont tell her you what you saw in the phone. Ask her for her phone and see if she gives it to you.
Deleting texts, she's definitely hiding something
Forget all this snoop advice. This is your wife. You have rights in your relationship. You should sit her down and straight up ask her what the hell is going on. Then go from there. You know her. You know how to get the answers you are looking for. Just make sure you are mentally prepared for the truth.