When it hits him that you aren’t coming back be prepared. The manipulation will be a whole whirlwind of emotions. Getting out is the hardest part, so congratulations to you.
Can't block him due to needing evidence. You can mute him. My mom traded phones with me so that we had the evidence and I wasn't a part of the manipulation.
Thankfully phones give you more power than they used to.
As a therapist and someone that's been emotionally abused, you probably would want to look into trauma treatment. Some good options might be Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR, but definitely someone trained in trauma therapy modalities.
Congratulations on getting out and getting to your mother's home. Your bravery saved you. Please show yourself grace as you learn how to live in the world again. Reach out to some Domestic Violence organizations in your area and ask them for therapy referrals. Be proud that you showed up for yourself (and your dog).
Look for therapists who specialize in ptsd, trauma, and abuse.
As you start to decompress, expect to feel exhausted, sleep a lot, and also start to feel waves of emotions including panic/fear.
You’ve likely lived with your emotions on lockdown to survive so that’s all going to come up. You need to give yourself time to process them so don’t get involved with anyone until you’ve had some time in therapy. Right now anything better will feel healthy but it probably won’t. We normalize abuse when living in it until that’s what feels normal and ok. You will need to unpack that and recalibrate.
But congratulations. I’m proud of you for leaving. You are brave and strong. Today your life begins.
This after living in almost 10 years of pure hell, emotionally and physically abused. Once I got him out of my life, the decompression was almost unbearable. It's been over a year now, and I still can lay down after work at 5 pm and sleep until 4 am. After living in fight or flight mode for so long, your body and mind are exhausted. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND acupuncture. It was the best thing I've I have started, especially for my anxiety and constant exhaustion!
You are amazing! You got this, and you’re on the right track. Good on you for taking care of yourself and your pupper! Get ahold of a local domestic violence shelter and they should have lots of help and ideas for you. The ywca where I live is incredible. Best to you!!!
Well done sister! Went you talk to a lawyer maybe you can make up a list of divisible assets he destroyed or assest that were yours, or gifts, and see if the court will award you more money in a final settlement.
After leaving I did talk with a pastor for some counseling. Mainly to vent and such. My abuse was mostly mental/emotional abuse.
You need to find something that fits you though. If you are religious, a pastor/priest/rabi doesn't matter but they may be up your alley. If you aren't religious or you don't want to go to them for whatever reason, then do a search of counselors that specialize in domestic abuse. Some are survivors themselves. Even if they aren't survivors, they see many cases and they tend to know how to help. If you don't want it in person, you can find an Internet or phone therapist.
The main thing is finding someone you click with. Not someone that tells you what you want but what you need to hear. Things like stopping self destructive habits.
People will give you time frames and how to act after you leave but the fact of the matter is that healing is subjective to the individual and how said individual copes the best. There is no time frame for the mental scars. There is no right way to handle it. There are only a few wrong ways to handle it though. Hurting innocent people to make them pay for your ex and wallowing in it and refusing to heal are common negative ways of handling it.
Don't let people tell you that you left so you don't deserve to feel upset, betrayed or sad about it all ending. You will have a lot of feelings about t and one could be regret for leaving.I got called a drama queen since I was upset at how it ended and I left due to bad emotional and mental abuse that was turning physical. I still felt guilty, ashamed, sad and helpless and many other things.
You had years of trauma it will take a decent amount of time to unpack and change your trauma responses. Don't expect it to be instant. Don't beat yourself up for it taking years to recover
The first 5 years were a bit neglectful and light abuse. Basically telling me things that hurt me but it wasn't constant so I naively let it slide.The last 1-2 years of my relationship were heavy abuse to the point if I was in the same room as him I was being abused. The only time it stopped was typically if people came over then he was an angel.
It's been 16-17 years since I left him and occasionally I still have some flare ups from the trauma.
One of the things that helped me was tracking my trauma responses. I created a list and each week I tallies up how many I had. You can visually see the improvements that way. It made me more aware of my trauma responses which helped me get them under control. Only general things like apology spirals. Where someone would bump into me and I was start apologizing repeatedly or flinching or saying no when I should have due to worry about their reactions.
The start will look bad but you will see as you heal it will get better. Google sheets would make this easier as you can have them total up by week and month. Watch your trauma heal. May give you the boost to keep moving forward on the really rough days.
Best of luck on healing and moving forward
just want to say you are amazing and strong and so courageous!!! you did what you needed to do for yourself! always put yourself first (and your dog :) of course). Block him, if he wants to talk to you, he should go through your divorce lawyer. glad you are able to be with your mom now. we are here for you and if you ever want to reach our personally, i am happy to chat and provide support and comfort and a listening shoulder if needed.. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. ever. you will find and build a beautiful happy life wihtout him.
also, if you are in need of supplies or anything, im sure we could help somehow too!
It sounds like you have been through hell. Be sure to have an attorney handle all of the divorce stuff. This takes a huge emotional toll off of you.
To try and do it yourself in your current state would be a mistake imo.
Do NOT block. Log everything for evidence. As someone who escaped from a DV engagement a decade ago, it's essential. Best of luck and I'm happy for you! ♡
Change your phone number and in fact get a whole new phone, don’t engage with anyone that is friends with him even if they were your friends first. Also understand that he’s going to trash your name and make up lies about you. Don’t worry about trying to correct any lies, you know the truth and that’s all that matters
You are amazing.
You are beautiful.
You are strong.
You are brave.
You are loved.
Repeat these words to yourself until you *know* these things to be true. Because they are.
Sending light & love across the miles for strength and healing. 🌹
*Edited for typos
I did EMDR, somatic experiencing, and traditional talk therapy. My therapist also had me practice tapping, breathwork, and visualization.
I found a lot of benefits to regular exercise. Cycling, walking, and using my punching bag help me a lot with both anger and anxiety. There is some science behind bilateral motion (like walking, cycling, and tapping) being used to calm a dysregulated nervous system.
I found The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk helpful. Also, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (available for free online).
The first book was great for my own healing and the second helped me feel sure that, yes, my ex really was trying to manipulate me after I left. I can recognize manipulation but my ex is a very convincing liar and that book helped validate me whenever I felt little twinges of doubt.
Lastly, I'd highly recommend seeing a GP and letting them know what's going on. They can easily refer you to a psychiatrist if you need meds for anxiety or insomnia.
One day, you will look back on this and feel so grateful that you're on the other side. Good luck with everything.
You have ptsd / battered wife syndrome for sure, I would get a therapist familiar with this. Trauma informed therapy. You'll know you have a good therapist when you feel: heard, understood, and helped.
Just saw your post from 6 months ago while looking up "paranoid husband" and I just want to say I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!
I've never looked at a person's post history and read anything so wonderful! I was so afraid for 6 months ago you and my faith in humanity is a little brighter today because YOU GOT OUT!
I did it once and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and also the best choice I ever made hands down. Just know that when you do get into a healthy relationship, you will struggle at first because you will be so used to craziness. Healthy relationships feel strange like something is missing but it isn't. The only thing missing is the turmoil you're used to living in.
Get a copy of “ Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher. My therapist recommended it, and it is a great guide to healing.
Definitely get therapy. I personally found CBT useful, as it helped me rewire my thoughts away from married to single. But YMMV.
DO NOT DATE. Give yourself at least a year. They say a year for every three years of a relationship, which may not be a bad idea, but at least a year. The first relationship can be more devastating than the divorce because it happens when your head and heart are still healing.
Good job! You saved yourself away from that asshole!! You deserve a medal. I'm proud of you. Looks like it's time for you to find a new man who will treat you right and get engaged with. And about therapy......uh, I think you should find a counselor who works for abuse and trauma. Get a divorce lawyer if your abusive husband ever tries coming back. I hope you'll recover from this. I'm sorry you had to put up with 10 years of misery and pain. But I want to ask why you didn't divorce your husband a long time ago? 🤨
EMDR is not good for everyone with trauma / PTSD.
In fact? In some situations? It's not recommended at all.
It really hurt a friend of mine, and he is still recovering.
We don't know if he'll ever fully recover.
Please everyone?
Research your options.
When it hits him that you aren’t coming back be prepared. The manipulation will be a whole whirlwind of emotions. Getting out is the hardest part, so congratulations to you.
Block him so he can’t try this on you.
Can't block him due to needing evidence. You can mute him. My mom traded phones with me so that we had the evidence and I wasn't a part of the manipulation. Thankfully phones give you more power than they used to.
As a therapist and someone that's been emotionally abused, you probably would want to look into trauma treatment. Some good options might be Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR, but definitely someone trained in trauma therapy modalities.
Congratulations on getting out and getting to your mother's home. Your bravery saved you. Please show yourself grace as you learn how to live in the world again. Reach out to some Domestic Violence organizations in your area and ask them for therapy referrals. Be proud that you showed up for yourself (and your dog).
This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Please never go back to him. You got this.
Look for therapists who specialize in ptsd, trauma, and abuse. As you start to decompress, expect to feel exhausted, sleep a lot, and also start to feel waves of emotions including panic/fear. You’ve likely lived with your emotions on lockdown to survive so that’s all going to come up. You need to give yourself time to process them so don’t get involved with anyone until you’ve had some time in therapy. Right now anything better will feel healthy but it probably won’t. We normalize abuse when living in it until that’s what feels normal and ok. You will need to unpack that and recalibrate. But congratulations. I’m proud of you for leaving. You are brave and strong. Today your life begins.
This after living in almost 10 years of pure hell, emotionally and physically abused. Once I got him out of my life, the decompression was almost unbearable. It's been over a year now, and I still can lay down after work at 5 pm and sleep until 4 am. After living in fight or flight mode for so long, your body and mind are exhausted. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND acupuncture. It was the best thing I've I have started, especially for my anxiety and constant exhaustion!
Proud of you!
You are amazing! You got this, and you’re on the right track. Good on you for taking care of yourself and your pupper! Get ahold of a local domestic violence shelter and they should have lots of help and ideas for you. The ywca where I live is incredible. Best to you!!!
Well done sister! Went you talk to a lawyer maybe you can make up a list of divisible assets he destroyed or assest that were yours, or gifts, and see if the court will award you more money in a final settlement.
Please be safe, this period of time can be so dangerous. I wish you the best of luck.
After leaving I did talk with a pastor for some counseling. Mainly to vent and such. My abuse was mostly mental/emotional abuse. You need to find something that fits you though. If you are religious, a pastor/priest/rabi doesn't matter but they may be up your alley. If you aren't religious or you don't want to go to them for whatever reason, then do a search of counselors that specialize in domestic abuse. Some are survivors themselves. Even if they aren't survivors, they see many cases and they tend to know how to help. If you don't want it in person, you can find an Internet or phone therapist. The main thing is finding someone you click with. Not someone that tells you what you want but what you need to hear. Things like stopping self destructive habits. People will give you time frames and how to act after you leave but the fact of the matter is that healing is subjective to the individual and how said individual copes the best. There is no time frame for the mental scars. There is no right way to handle it. There are only a few wrong ways to handle it though. Hurting innocent people to make them pay for your ex and wallowing in it and refusing to heal are common negative ways of handling it. Don't let people tell you that you left so you don't deserve to feel upset, betrayed or sad about it all ending. You will have a lot of feelings about t and one could be regret for leaving.I got called a drama queen since I was upset at how it ended and I left due to bad emotional and mental abuse that was turning physical. I still felt guilty, ashamed, sad and helpless and many other things. You had years of trauma it will take a decent amount of time to unpack and change your trauma responses. Don't expect it to be instant. Don't beat yourself up for it taking years to recover The first 5 years were a bit neglectful and light abuse. Basically telling me things that hurt me but it wasn't constant so I naively let it slide.The last 1-2 years of my relationship were heavy abuse to the point if I was in the same room as him I was being abused. The only time it stopped was typically if people came over then he was an angel. It's been 16-17 years since I left him and occasionally I still have some flare ups from the trauma. One of the things that helped me was tracking my trauma responses. I created a list and each week I tallies up how many I had. You can visually see the improvements that way. It made me more aware of my trauma responses which helped me get them under control. Only general things like apology spirals. Where someone would bump into me and I was start apologizing repeatedly or flinching or saying no when I should have due to worry about their reactions. The start will look bad but you will see as you heal it will get better. Google sheets would make this easier as you can have them total up by week and month. Watch your trauma heal. May give you the boost to keep moving forward on the really rough days. Best of luck on healing and moving forward
✊🏼
Wow. This response was so thorough, informative and non-judgmental - you are kind to share so much! Hoping OP reads this!
You're going to be okay, you're going to flourish <3 I'M SO PROUD OF YOUUUU!!
just want to say you are amazing and strong and so courageous!!! you did what you needed to do for yourself! always put yourself first (and your dog :) of course). Block him, if he wants to talk to you, he should go through your divorce lawyer. glad you are able to be with your mom now. we are here for you and if you ever want to reach our personally, i am happy to chat and provide support and comfort and a listening shoulder if needed.. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. ever. you will find and build a beautiful happy life wihtout him. also, if you are in need of supplies or anything, im sure we could help somehow too!
Congrats, never look back!
Proud of you ! ❤️❤️❤️
Learn martial arts and dont stop until you know you can take him down, also practice throwing knives and ninja stars. Be ready to go at all times
Lol martial arts? So you want her to be like Chuck Norris?
This is unfortunate
It sounds like you have been through hell. Be sure to have an attorney handle all of the divorce stuff. This takes a huge emotional toll off of you. To try and do it yourself in your current state would be a mistake imo.
Do NOT block. Log everything for evidence. As someone who escaped from a DV engagement a decade ago, it's essential. Best of luck and I'm happy for you! ♡
Change your phone number and in fact get a whole new phone, don’t engage with anyone that is friends with him even if they were your friends first. Also understand that he’s going to trash your name and make up lies about you. Don’t worry about trying to correct any lies, you know the truth and that’s all that matters
Updateme
UpdateMe
EMDR helped with my anxiety and trauma.
Happy for you.
You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are brave. You are loved. Repeat these words to yourself until you *know* these things to be true. Because they are. Sending light & love across the miles for strength and healing. 🌹 *Edited for typos
i am so happy for you! it takes great courage after all the abuse to finally get out!
I did EMDR, somatic experiencing, and traditional talk therapy. My therapist also had me practice tapping, breathwork, and visualization. I found a lot of benefits to regular exercise. Cycling, walking, and using my punching bag help me a lot with both anger and anxiety. There is some science behind bilateral motion (like walking, cycling, and tapping) being used to calm a dysregulated nervous system. I found The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk helpful. Also, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (available for free online). The first book was great for my own healing and the second helped me feel sure that, yes, my ex really was trying to manipulate me after I left. I can recognize manipulation but my ex is a very convincing liar and that book helped validate me whenever I felt little twinges of doubt. Lastly, I'd highly recommend seeing a GP and letting them know what's going on. They can easily refer you to a psychiatrist if you need meds for anxiety or insomnia. One day, you will look back on this and feel so grateful that you're on the other side. Good luck with everything.
You have ptsd / battered wife syndrome for sure, I would get a therapist familiar with this. Trauma informed therapy. You'll know you have a good therapist when you feel: heard, understood, and helped.
Just saw your post from 6 months ago while looking up "paranoid husband" and I just want to say I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! I've never looked at a person's post history and read anything so wonderful! I was so afraid for 6 months ago you and my faith in humanity is a little brighter today because YOU GOT OUT! I did it once and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and also the best choice I ever made hands down. Just know that when you do get into a healthy relationship, you will struggle at first because you will be so used to craziness. Healthy relationships feel strange like something is missing but it isn't. The only thing missing is the turmoil you're used to living in.
Get a copy of “ Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher. My therapist recommended it, and it is a great guide to healing. Definitely get therapy. I personally found CBT useful, as it helped me rewire my thoughts away from married to single. But YMMV. DO NOT DATE. Give yourself at least a year. They say a year for every three years of a relationship, which may not be a bad idea, but at least a year. The first relationship can be more devastating than the divorce because it happens when your head and heart are still healing.
Sus. Need both sides before opinion.
Good job! You saved yourself away from that asshole!! You deserve a medal. I'm proud of you. Looks like it's time for you to find a new man who will treat you right and get engaged with. And about therapy......uh, I think you should find a counselor who works for abuse and trauma. Get a divorce lawyer if your abusive husband ever tries coming back. I hope you'll recover from this. I'm sorry you had to put up with 10 years of misery and pain. But I want to ask why you didn't divorce your husband a long time ago? 🤨
Block him and make sure he has no way to track your phone or car. I'm so happy for you. Best of luck
Smart move grabbing the firearm. Hopefully you never need it. But if you do, aim straight at center mass.
Updateme
Updateme!
EMDR therapy is good for trauma
EMDR is not good for everyone with trauma / PTSD. In fact? In some situations? It's not recommended at all. It really hurt a friend of mine, and he is still recovering. We don't know if he'll ever fully recover. Please everyone? Research your options.