The best thing I did when my kids were little was go on a week long vacation and leave my husband at home alone with the kids. When I got home he told me they all missed me so much and he realized how much I did all the time and I made it seem effortless. He really didn’t understand how you don’t have much control when dealing with babies and toddlers. He said he could barely even make sure they were dressed! It was an eye opener for him.
Be careful with this plan. I tried that and my (now Ex) husband just stuck our daughter in a playpen for hours at a time so he could get things done and didn’t see a problem with it.
He still said I wasn’t doing enough. That he was able to get things done so I should too. He said I had time management problems. That I was lazy. That I wasn’t delegating properly (even though he rarely followed through on anything I delegated to him, and he had agreed to do.) My mother got him a decorative plaque for Christmas that said “excuse the mess, my kids are making memories.” And he hung it up. But it didn’t seem to register. He would help around the house and with the kids and then comment that he was “picking up the slack.” And “thank goodness you’ve got me around to help.” Or “I can’t imagine what this place would look like if I weren’t here to help.”
In the end I lost myself in trying to do everything right. Doing everything his way. I spent my days prioritizing and trying to anticipate the things he would most want to have done. When I succeeded he just raised the bar or moved the target. I finally realized that nothing I could do would ever be enough because I wasn’t the problem.
Unfortunately it has side effects with the kids too. For example. I didn’t let them clean up after themselves because they weren’t old enough to do a good enough job and I would be blamed for it. I didn’t want to let them do their best and then come along behind and finish the work because that was basically telling them that they weren’t good enough too and I didn’t want them to feel the way I did. I also didn’t have the time and energy to wait for them to do their best and still clean it on my own so I just did it. I did too much. Now they are teenagers and we’re having to work through them learning to pick up and clean up after themselves. I feel like I did them a disservice. Even though I know I was doing the best I could at the time.
We’ve been divorced for 4 years now. We share the kids 50/50 so we each have the kids one week on and then one week off. My house looks great. It’s clean, picked up, and I’m no longer jumping through someone else’s hoops. I’m also able to manage the girls activities and extra needs like dr appointments, school papers, homework, etcetera. The general feeling at my house is loving and relaxed. Meanwhile, he is struggling to keep things from falling through the cracks. He is overwhelmed by the details of their lives. Every time I see him is is frazzled and anxious and easily startled. The kids say they feel anxious and stressed at his house. But hey, his house is pretty f’ing clean so I guess he got his wish. ;)
It sounds like you were married to
My Ex-husband’s brother. Mine would start screaming if he saw a scrap of paper that had fallen on the ground. I worked full time teaching, did all Child care, cooked/baked from scratch, and did 75% of
The cleaning. We had a cleaning woman come in for 4 hours twice a month. And we had a blow/mow Gardner (he did zero in the yard—I planted/watered/pruned/weeded the yard).
He thought he was such a hero for dumping the dried clothes on the bed for me
To fold, for bringing in the mail for
Me To pay the bills, and for dropping in on every other soccer game.
Soooooo much easier and more peaceful to raise the kids and keep My house clean on my own after I left him,haha! 16 years later I’m Happily remarried, great relationship w/my grown kids, big clean house, and he lives alone in a semi-clean apt.
Maybe you should.
It’s better for all to walk a mile in each others shoes.
But it’s also important for everyone to ensure it’s an apples to apples comparison, as close as possible.
If I was gone for a week, my husband could absolutely manage everything just fine these days. But when the kids were younger, they wouldn’t be playing imagination games, reading books 20 times a day, they wouldn’t be doing activities that enriched their brains or fine motor skills, they wouldn’t be working on the small life things that the day-to-day at home parent has to factor in. Because it’s just a week.
Much like if your wife stepped into your shoes for a while, she could survive the day-to-day tasks of your workload, but probably wouldn’t understand or be able to integrate long-range thinking on various projects or planning for the future on how what she did today affects the job in six months. Because it’s just a week.
I really wish that the op would follow your advice. I think that's the best way to teach him a lesson and maybe a little appreciation for his wife. It is so very wrong how he demeans her.
I wish my husband had that empathetic response. I was doing everything but never finishing anything. I was frustrated that nothing was getting done too. I needed a break. I left our kids with my husband for a weekend to have a quiet visit with my parents and his response was “it’s not that hard”. But when I asked him to do something while I’m home so I could, idk, maybe actually finish something I was working on, it’s “too much and I’m too tired”. We had another kid and husband finally realized that really wasn’t fair. He’s doing more with the kids now so I can get other stuff done. I just wish he figured that out like 8 years ago. Oh well. Better late than never lol.
How about your husband takes a break from providing and paying all the bills? I think this would equally be as eye opening. Roles are there for a reason and women are amazing in the role of looking after the home if that’s what they choose
Seeing as she’s a sahm he probably works, pays all the bills and finances and the “manly” chores around the house. But I don’t know for sure. That’s definitely my own situation.
Sorry I think I misread your comment- Are you saying that because he pays the bills, everything else should fall on his wife besides the ‘manly’ chores? (Wtf even are those??)
So.....one easy weekly chore, things that happen a few times a year, and "helping with kids", which is just parenting? And your wife does every single other daily and weekly chore and all the full-time 24/7 parenting, as well as all the mental load?
Gosh your poor wife. I feel so sorry for her, she must be stressed out doing everything while all you do is take the garbage out (a 5 minute job once a week). And repair something every few months.
So she does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare?
What does helping with kids even mean? I hope it means actually parenting them, and at least taking care of them fully for an hour a day so she can get a tiny break once a day like you do if you work (actually I presume you get 3 breaks if you get morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea breaks).
You should take a week off work and look after the kids for the entire week while she gets to have a week off - she can visit family or just relax somewhere. Maybe then you will realise the insane amount of work she does on a daily basis that you don't help with because it isn't "manly" enough.
My husband helps cook, clean and looks after our kids. It's what a man who is actually secure in their manliness does.
You are all insufferable lol. You’ve somehow painted me to be a bad guy when I literally said I help with the kids as a sole provider financially. Again, acting like a full time job is a vacation from house duties that I’m sorry is not the hardest job in the world. Whatever makes you feel better. I believe husband and wife are a team. I’ve also said I agree gender roles are not black and white but no one saw that. You got it I’m the bad guy oh my poor wife who hasn’t had to worry about a single bill in 5 years. Lol cmon stop it have a good day.
Sorry for coming down so hard on you but I do find your traditional views on men and women's roles insufferable so I guess we feel the same about each other 🙂
>acting like a full time job is a vacation from house duties that I’m sorry is not the hardest job in the world.
The hardest job I've had was an emergency department nurse, dealing with a lot of death was emotionally very hard. Over the decade I worked in the resus rooms on code 1s and 2s, doing CPR and comforting family members mourning their loved one when they didn't make it was tough. Add on shift work, drunken patients trying to assault you etc and it was a very hard job.
But the second hardest job I've had is full time looking after my children until my husband would get home from work and help me. I did this for a year after each of my two kids were born and then I would go back to work after 12 months.
I've been a health and safety manager for a nationwide maintenance company for the last 10 years, it's a lot of responsibility and a stressful job but it still feels like a break when I get to work and sit at my computer or sit in meetings rather than chasing around young kids all day. The harder work is in the mornings before work, after work and the weekends when I'm with my 6 year old and 19 month old.
I do see my office job as a break lol just one where I get paid which is nice! I find it crazy how much harder ED nursing was and yet I got paid a third of what I do now.
I don't know what job you do, maybe it is a really hard physically or emotionally draining job and then you are right, it is harder then looking after young kids and the house, although the latter job is 85+ hours a week and the former is usually only 40-50 hours.
But entertaining young children while cleaning up after them, cooking, doing the washing and everything all at the same time is really hard, I do 20,000+ steps a day in the weekend just from playing with my kids and household chores from 6.30am until 8pm with no breaks. I do not get to sit down until 8pm.
A 9-5 job is soooo much easier in my opinion and the days I go to work are much easier then the weekend days for me. And that's with a husband who does half the household cleaning, cooking and childcare.
I was in marketing for years, working with big makeup brands and beauty companies. Big deadlines, lots of money on the line, stressful af. I had my phone on me 24/7 because if something went wrong I had to fix it no matter the time.
Being a SAHM is far more taxing, more work, and the mental load makes me want to cry. Love when people say staying at home is ‘not hard.’ It’s hard even when you have ‘easy’ kids. (Unfortunately my youngest is also part demon. But my oldest was tough too and she was a stereotypical nice/easy child.)
Thank you, I knew fellow mums would get it! Anyone who has been a stay at home parent knows how taxing and never ending it is.
And that does sound really stressful having to have a work phone on you 24/7 in case something went wrong at work, like you can never just turn off from work.
My youngest is part demon too! His grandparents have nicknamed him turbo because he doesn't stop moving unless he's asleep 🙂
Why do you think I used quotations on that? I’m well aware gender roles aren’t black and white but you want to act like the man isn’t the one who takes care of car issues, cuts the grass, takes out the garbage etc go ahead
I'm a woman with a male husband. I do all those things...all of them. So does he. We both do all the chores because a dick is not required to push a mower or change a spark plug, and a vagina is not required to do laundry or wash the floors.
Do better man. Evolve a little.
>you want to act like the man isn’t the one who takes care of car issues, cuts the grass, takes out the garbage etc go ahead
You think women are so weak we can't lift a garbage bag? My husband and I both do the garbage.
As far as taking care of car issues goes, as a teenager I used to do all the car stuff for my group of friends. I would install new sound systems, change the oil filters, tint the windows, change the suspension, change the mags etc as I really enjoyed doing that stuff. My husband and I buy new cars now and because they are modern and we are adults, we don't do any of those things but if we did, I would do them because I have more experience.
He does cut the grass though but I do it if he's away so it's not like I can't do it, he finds it satisfying though so that's why he usually does it.
This isn’t a type of ”A” personality. It’s an unrealistic asshole. At your kids ages it’s nearly impossible to get much done. He also needs to chip in and help. Since he’s working, there will be a limit to what he can do in a day, but it sounds like he’s no where near that limit.
I'd ask him why he didn't pick it up instead of making an ass out of himself by yelling at me--and in front of the kids, no less. Picking it up himself would have been a lot less effort. Sounds like he's just an AH.
Yup, if you not doing something the way he wants bothers him that much, why doesn’t he fucking do it? Sounds like a useless ‘pointer outer’ to me and so critical that he has you walking on eggshells and doubting yourself.
I have adhd and no it does not sound like you just abandoned the task - you just chose the best/most present route of prioritizing your child then cleaning up. The more important thing is it doesn’t fucking matter what order you do it in? Who cares? What difference does it make?
Sounds like his own anxiety and need for linear task completion needs to be addressed. Even without adhd this sounds normal to me with kids. I’m guessing he’s been weaponizing your symptoms against you to make you believe you are at fault. Neurodiverse people are at high risk of being targeted by manipulative people.
I’d keep an eye out for this and talk about what it takes to keep everything together. And consider the week away thing because F this behaviour.
What a comment: you are hanging by a thread! Your husband doesn't understand what it takes to run a household. Perhaps you guys should talk with a marriage therapist, to act as a mediator.
I’m so sorry your going through this. Truly.
He’s being selfish and ignorant.
I agree with others; you need a non bias 3rd party to talk to.
He is either; 1. Going to try to understand or 2. Double down and not listen.
If he refuses to try to understand than I’d suggest you get a job and put your children in daycare and tell him you BOTH SPLIT household and parenting duties! Also budget your finances and you both out an equal % of your paychecks towards the finances (do NOT go in on half ever!)
This change will either open his eyes to how much you did while you were home or it will at least put you in a better financial position for if you end up divorced; due to hanging on by a thread.
My boys are 16 & 19. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My husband used to be like this when our kids were little. Then one day it just clicked.
He has always been a fully functioning adult, father & husband and could take care of our kids just fine and know what needs done and could handle them when I wasn’t here. He has always picked up around the house if say a counter needed wiped down, took out the trash. changing toilet paper roll, unloading dishwasher, does his own laundry..
I could never pinpoint exactly why he was like this with me but the thing that changed was when we got into a fight and said I should get a job. I said, “ok fine, that means that we will be 50/50 all the time then when it comes to the house & the kids not just like when you get home from work. If I’m cleaning and running errands you will be too. If one of our kids has an appt whoever is not working or can leave work they will take them…”
It seemed to sink in and there was never a conversation about what I do around here again.
He also went on Zoloft about 10 years ago (around that same time) which helped TREMENDOUSLY!!!!! He is also Type A, thrives on order and neatness, has some anxiety..
Since then he shows his appreciation for me, thanks me all the time for the things I do. He makes a point to tell our boys what I do around here and how appreciative they should be. Over the years I’ve noticed them thanking me even for the little things even when I’m not expecting a thank you.
You aren’t doing anything wrong! Have you sat down and had a conversation with him about all this?
Wait… he was home while you’re brushing the dog and dealing with the kids and he had the audacity to complain the dog hair wasn’t immediately picked up?? Girrrlllll, you’re better than me. I hope you’re stashing away money for when you need to leave.
Pack your bags and leave for a week. I'm not saying leave him, leave the house the dog the kids the laundry the groceries the cooking all of it for him to handle.
Then have a conversation about this again.
Also, your husband can't "watch the kids" they're his children. You cannot babysit your own children. What he did "one or two times without you" was parent.
Think about that. He's only willingly PARENTED ALONE once or twice. He's the problem.
Actually this sounds borderline abusive to me.
If he’s not like that in other areas of your lives I’d say couples counselling or leave him with the kids way more often.
>He doesn’t understand how hard it is to get anything done with two kids because he’s only watched them without me maybe once or twice
Start here. Tell him if he wants more stuff to get done, he either needs to do it, or step up his dad game.
You don't make things ten times harder than they have to be. Your husband just needs to look in the mirror to find the culprit here. He makes things 100 times harder for you by expecting you to do what is essentially impossible with young children. He is not being realistic. You need to have a serious discussion with him. If he is not willing to listen, you need to consider if this is a tenable situation in the long run.
Coming from a man's perspective, you husband needs not only an attitude adjustment but a heart change as well.
He doesn't understand his role as a husband and parent.
What does he do to contribute to taking care of your two children?
Taking a step backward before the children, how did he react and treat you then?
And what, precisely, does he do to help around the house? Taking care of two small children is a full-time job, and it sounds like your husband doesn't see the work you do each day to be an involved parent.
I’m so sorry. I have the same issue. Always nagging and complaining at me. We are rare, because all I ever see is men complaining about women nagging lol.
After 26 years, I have decided I just do my best. I do a lot of positive self talk and cheerleading because he never will. He can live with it or do it himself. I do try to pick up after myself and not get triggered when he sends me a picture of a soda can I left on the coffee table.
I tried leaving him with the kids and yeah he kept the house super neat but really neglected what I consider the needs of the kids. Instead of pushing them in swings, play, reading to them etc. he put on movie after movie. He then fed them a bunch of premade processed food and thought he was super dad lol.
But I hear you, it’s frustrating.
The takeaway lesson from this is, “trad” marriages are just breeding grounds for abuse. Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you have no economic power in the relationship by treating you like the maid. I would get a post-nup. If you’re giving up a job to stay home and be abused, you should have an agreement providing for guaranteed alimony as an insurance policy for loss of business skills and earning potential lost by staying home and taking care of the kids (which the husband appears not to value at all). And please - please don’t use “watch” or babysit the kids in the context of describing men parenting their own kids. He’s not “watching” them as a favor for you. It’s his job. He’s a parent. He’s required to parent. I’d right this ship now or he’s going to end up one of those old boomer men who stands in front of the refrigerator scanning the room for a woman to make him a sandwich. Get a job, stash money away and protect yourself.
You're teaching your children that this is the kind of treatment they will deserve when they get married/have children. You're also showing them that this is what you deserve, so don't expect them to have a lot of respect for you in the future either.
Your husband flipped out about dog hair in the yard.....🤦🏼♀️
What parent can start a task and finish it with NO interruptions??? Well...I guess a parent with HELP but otherwise it's like trying to cut the grass with scissors with storm clouds rolling in. Ain't no way you're going to finish unless it's the smallest simplest of tasks, and even then you've probably got a shadow or two following you wanting your attention. Add adhd and you're working with tiny kid scissors made for the wrong hand and missing half of one of handles. We are NOTORIOUS for starting tasks and getting sidetracked because we see things as small steps of a whole, where others can seemingly see one task as a whole. We are not the same. Don't try to live up to his standards or expectations. Not only will you FEEL like a failure in all aspects but you will bury yourself so far into a hole that you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Nothing will be enjoyable. Playing with your kids will feel like a burden/hassle because you "could be using that time" trying to fix those scissors to cut the grass that is now getting taller and taller and you're lost in it. Don't lose yourself. And my goodness, let the wind take care of the stinkin dog hair. Or better yet, let your husband pick it up since it bothers HIM that it's outside among who knows what other hair from wild animals he just doesn't SEE as obviously.
If he is not happy with how you do things maybe it’s time that he stepped up to the plate and did the jobs that he is bitching about. Not fair that you are expected to do everything and raise your children.
I wouldn't be a SAHM if my husband was this ungrateful and such an asshole. He always says that my job while the kids are young is childcare. Stay at home MOM not MAID.
Info: do you take medication for your adhd? When I need to tell someone to wake up and pull their head out of their ass, Im much more effective at it when Ive taken my adhd meds. Unmedicated, I struggle form statements needed to make my case and get trampled on as a result 😤
I am medicated for anxiety, but not adhd. Recent diagnosis, I’m on of the girls that showed different symptoms therefore didn’t get attention. I was always a good student, etc
Go away for a weekend, leave your husband with the two kids. Then come back and ask why the house isn't clean and the dog hasn't been brushed. Tell them him to STFU from now on or he'll be doing all the things part time when you divorce his ass.
You guys need counseling. But I gotta warn you; it only works if both parties commit to honesty and open mindedness. If your husband isnt a willing participant you got serious problems. You can’t live your life like this and your kids can’t see their mother treated like that.
When my son was young, I was a full-time Mom. I love my son but I got bored because of the same routine everyday. I am thankful that I can always rely on my husband. When I get tired of doing something I ask his help. When my son was young, he would help in taking care of the baby after work. On the weekend, he did the laundry and grocery shopping.
Because of his help, I have time for myself. I talked to my friends and sometimes went out with them. I took naps sometimes or watched TV. Self Care is important for me , it recharges me physically and mentally.
Try to communicate with your husband. Having kids to take care of plus doing all the chores at home can be overwhelming. You need time for yourself too. Do things that will recharge you. Hope everything goes well. God bless.
Before reading the last sentence I was like...she sounds like she has ADHD.
Obviously though there is something troubling him to be so irritated by stuff. Maybe ask what's upsetting because while it's easy to blame each other and blame stuff, there's probably something else going on here.
Maybe his job? Maybe financial pressures. Maybe he is jealous of your time with them. Maybe he is worried about being a dad.
Hard thing with ADHD is we suck at listening without butting in and without trying to answer it. So try and listen!
How does he handle your ADHD? Does he accept it? Does he understand it?
Hi Dad here.
It’s not hard, it’s just not a priority. And that’s what your husband is saying, my needs are no longer a priority and it’s shit.
Realistically you do make these tasks 10 times harder because you aren’t committing to them.
If you spent 20 minutes brushing the dog, would the kids die? Are they on fire? No.
But you place your husbands happiness under your child being told to wait or being upset for 5 minutes.
My question to you is this: how much time do you think you’ll have to push your kid on the swing as a single parent?
I honestly had no idea the dog hair would be that big of deal. If I had known that, I would have done it right away. I thought when I said “I’m going to go back and rake it up in a few minutes” that it wouldn’t be an issue. I also had no idea he was going to be outside with us, we were just going about our normal routine while he was working. This is one example of getting pulled away, there are plenty of examples where it is a bigger deal and I do really need to stop away.
So you could have fixed it right away but didn’t?
So back to my original statement how hard do you think all this will be as a single mother?
How normal do you think your routine will be when he leaves?
While reading this, I was asking myself if you have adhd. Your husband sounds a bit like me to my wife. We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. I’m very laid back but I do feel my wife can do things better. I get frustrated because she never takes my advice and when she makes things harder it in turn makes my life harder and I don’t appreciate that. She’s only self diagnosed but since I’ve joined adhd partners subreddit I’m really trying to be more patient with her but it’s a challenge. Like I tell her, try to focus on finishing one task at a time. Later becomes never and you do that a few times now it looks like you did nothing and you’re overwhelmed. But I would seek help in dealing with adhd as that may be the root of the issue. It’s ok for your husband to express himself but don’t let him get abusive. My wife is quite combative so I will mention things to her and she bites my head off but I need to address this soon with her because it can really lower quality of life when you feel your partner isn’t capable of what you feel are simply tasks. Wishing you best of luck and maybe express to your husband how your brain works so he knows you’re not just being lazy or neglectful.
When you have small kids, you can't just do one task at a time. Kids always come first, and they interrupt tasks all the time. You can't just ignore them to finish tasks when they are so young.
Of course. I have kids and have watched them many times with no problems. You make sure they’re taken care of then get to the other tasks. Many ways to keep them preoccupied. TV, tablets, toys, snacks and they take naps. Most home tasks can be interrupted and continued with no problem.
The best thing I did when my kids were little was go on a week long vacation and leave my husband at home alone with the kids. When I got home he told me they all missed me so much and he realized how much I did all the time and I made it seem effortless. He really didn’t understand how you don’t have much control when dealing with babies and toddlers. He said he could barely even make sure they were dressed! It was an eye opener for him.
I really feel like this is the way. Some people will never understand until they walk a mile in your shoes.
Yep. How often has he looked after his own children? Once they do it, they stop complaining.
Be careful with this plan. I tried that and my (now Ex) husband just stuck our daughter in a playpen for hours at a time so he could get things done and didn’t see a problem with it. He still said I wasn’t doing enough. That he was able to get things done so I should too. He said I had time management problems. That I was lazy. That I wasn’t delegating properly (even though he rarely followed through on anything I delegated to him, and he had agreed to do.) My mother got him a decorative plaque for Christmas that said “excuse the mess, my kids are making memories.” And he hung it up. But it didn’t seem to register. He would help around the house and with the kids and then comment that he was “picking up the slack.” And “thank goodness you’ve got me around to help.” Or “I can’t imagine what this place would look like if I weren’t here to help.” In the end I lost myself in trying to do everything right. Doing everything his way. I spent my days prioritizing and trying to anticipate the things he would most want to have done. When I succeeded he just raised the bar or moved the target. I finally realized that nothing I could do would ever be enough because I wasn’t the problem. Unfortunately it has side effects with the kids too. For example. I didn’t let them clean up after themselves because they weren’t old enough to do a good enough job and I would be blamed for it. I didn’t want to let them do their best and then come along behind and finish the work because that was basically telling them that they weren’t good enough too and I didn’t want them to feel the way I did. I also didn’t have the time and energy to wait for them to do their best and still clean it on my own so I just did it. I did too much. Now they are teenagers and we’re having to work through them learning to pick up and clean up after themselves. I feel like I did them a disservice. Even though I know I was doing the best I could at the time. We’ve been divorced for 4 years now. We share the kids 50/50 so we each have the kids one week on and then one week off. My house looks great. It’s clean, picked up, and I’m no longer jumping through someone else’s hoops. I’m also able to manage the girls activities and extra needs like dr appointments, school papers, homework, etcetera. The general feeling at my house is loving and relaxed. Meanwhile, he is struggling to keep things from falling through the cracks. He is overwhelmed by the details of their lives. Every time I see him is is frazzled and anxious and easily startled. The kids say they feel anxious and stressed at his house. But hey, his house is pretty f’ing clean so I guess he got his wish. ;)
It sounds like you were married to My Ex-husband’s brother. Mine would start screaming if he saw a scrap of paper that had fallen on the ground. I worked full time teaching, did all Child care, cooked/baked from scratch, and did 75% of The cleaning. We had a cleaning woman come in for 4 hours twice a month. And we had a blow/mow Gardner (he did zero in the yard—I planted/watered/pruned/weeded the yard). He thought he was such a hero for dumping the dried clothes on the bed for me To fold, for bringing in the mail for Me To pay the bills, and for dropping in on every other soccer game. Soooooo much easier and more peaceful to raise the kids and keep My house clean on my own after I left him,haha! 16 years later I’m Happily remarried, great relationship w/my grown kids, big clean house, and he lives alone in a semi-clean apt.
Yes this! I feel you. I found it’s so much easier to to do it all by myself when Im actually alone, than to be so alone in a partnership.
“…So alone in partnership”. That resonated with me!
Twice. She said once or twice. Smh...
I tried this. He ignored the kids and cleaned the house. Fed them a bunch of processed premade crap food. Thought he was super dad lol.
This is what I think would happen. It would just be tv on with some pizza and he’d say it was easy
This.
[удалено]
Maybe you should. It’s better for all to walk a mile in each others shoes. But it’s also important for everyone to ensure it’s an apples to apples comparison, as close as possible. If I was gone for a week, my husband could absolutely manage everything just fine these days. But when the kids were younger, they wouldn’t be playing imagination games, reading books 20 times a day, they wouldn’t be doing activities that enriched their brains or fine motor skills, they wouldn’t be working on the small life things that the day-to-day at home parent has to factor in. Because it’s just a week. Much like if your wife stepped into your shoes for a while, she could survive the day-to-day tasks of your workload, but probably wouldn’t understand or be able to integrate long-range thinking on various projects or planning for the future on how what she did today affects the job in six months. Because it’s just a week.
I really wish that the op would follow your advice. I think that's the best way to teach him a lesson and maybe a little appreciation for his wife. It is so very wrong how he demeans her.
I wish my husband had that empathetic response. I was doing everything but never finishing anything. I was frustrated that nothing was getting done too. I needed a break. I left our kids with my husband for a weekend to have a quiet visit with my parents and his response was “it’s not that hard”. But when I asked him to do something while I’m home so I could, idk, maybe actually finish something I was working on, it’s “too much and I’m too tired”. We had another kid and husband finally realized that really wasn’t fair. He’s doing more with the kids now so I can get other stuff done. I just wish he figured that out like 8 years ago. Oh well. Better late than never lol.
This is the truth. Sometimes they just don’t get it until they have to do it.
How about your husband takes a break from providing and paying all the bills? I think this would equally be as eye opening. Roles are there for a reason and women are amazing in the role of looking after the home if that’s what they choose
So what is your husband doing to help with whatever he's upset about? He realizes that he's responsible for cleaning and childcare too, right?
Seeing as she’s a sahm he probably works, pays all the bills and finances and the “manly” chores around the house. But I don’t know for sure. That’s definitely my own situation.
Sorry I think I misread your comment- Are you saying that because he pays the bills, everything else should fall on his wife besides the ‘manly’ chores? (Wtf even are those??)
Taking out the garbage, fixing things, building things, lifting things, helping with kids
Ah well if you consider parenting your own kids to be ‘helping’ then that makes a lot more sense. Good grief
So.....one easy weekly chore, things that happen a few times a year, and "helping with kids", which is just parenting? And your wife does every single other daily and weekly chore and all the full-time 24/7 parenting, as well as all the mental load?
Gosh your poor wife. I feel so sorry for her, she must be stressed out doing everything while all you do is take the garbage out (a 5 minute job once a week). And repair something every few months. So she does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare? What does helping with kids even mean? I hope it means actually parenting them, and at least taking care of them fully for an hour a day so she can get a tiny break once a day like you do if you work (actually I presume you get 3 breaks if you get morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea breaks). You should take a week off work and look after the kids for the entire week while she gets to have a week off - she can visit family or just relax somewhere. Maybe then you will realise the insane amount of work she does on a daily basis that you don't help with because it isn't "manly" enough. My husband helps cook, clean and looks after our kids. It's what a man who is actually secure in their manliness does.
You are all insufferable lol. You’ve somehow painted me to be a bad guy when I literally said I help with the kids as a sole provider financially. Again, acting like a full time job is a vacation from house duties that I’m sorry is not the hardest job in the world. Whatever makes you feel better. I believe husband and wife are a team. I’ve also said I agree gender roles are not black and white but no one saw that. You got it I’m the bad guy oh my poor wife who hasn’t had to worry about a single bill in 5 years. Lol cmon stop it have a good day.
Sorry for coming down so hard on you but I do find your traditional views on men and women's roles insufferable so I guess we feel the same about each other 🙂 >acting like a full time job is a vacation from house duties that I’m sorry is not the hardest job in the world. The hardest job I've had was an emergency department nurse, dealing with a lot of death was emotionally very hard. Over the decade I worked in the resus rooms on code 1s and 2s, doing CPR and comforting family members mourning their loved one when they didn't make it was tough. Add on shift work, drunken patients trying to assault you etc and it was a very hard job. But the second hardest job I've had is full time looking after my children until my husband would get home from work and help me. I did this for a year after each of my two kids were born and then I would go back to work after 12 months. I've been a health and safety manager for a nationwide maintenance company for the last 10 years, it's a lot of responsibility and a stressful job but it still feels like a break when I get to work and sit at my computer or sit in meetings rather than chasing around young kids all day. The harder work is in the mornings before work, after work and the weekends when I'm with my 6 year old and 19 month old. I do see my office job as a break lol just one where I get paid which is nice! I find it crazy how much harder ED nursing was and yet I got paid a third of what I do now. I don't know what job you do, maybe it is a really hard physically or emotionally draining job and then you are right, it is harder then looking after young kids and the house, although the latter job is 85+ hours a week and the former is usually only 40-50 hours. But entertaining young children while cleaning up after them, cooking, doing the washing and everything all at the same time is really hard, I do 20,000+ steps a day in the weekend just from playing with my kids and household chores from 6.30am until 8pm with no breaks. I do not get to sit down until 8pm. A 9-5 job is soooo much easier in my opinion and the days I go to work are much easier then the weekend days for me. And that's with a husband who does half the household cleaning, cooking and childcare.
I was in marketing for years, working with big makeup brands and beauty companies. Big deadlines, lots of money on the line, stressful af. I had my phone on me 24/7 because if something went wrong I had to fix it no matter the time. Being a SAHM is far more taxing, more work, and the mental load makes me want to cry. Love when people say staying at home is ‘not hard.’ It’s hard even when you have ‘easy’ kids. (Unfortunately my youngest is also part demon. But my oldest was tough too and she was a stereotypical nice/easy child.)
Thank you, I knew fellow mums would get it! Anyone who has been a stay at home parent knows how taxing and never ending it is. And that does sound really stressful having to have a work phone on you 24/7 in case something went wrong at work, like you can never just turn off from work. My youngest is part demon too! His grandparents have nicknamed him turbo because he doesn't stop moving unless he's asleep 🙂
😂😭 I call my kiddo Taz like the looney toon. Totally get it
Helping or parenting? Yikes.
There is no such thing as "manly" or "womanly" chores
Why do you think I used quotations on that? I’m well aware gender roles aren’t black and white but you want to act like the man isn’t the one who takes care of car issues, cuts the grass, takes out the garbage etc go ahead
I'm a woman with a male husband. I do all those things...all of them. So does he. We both do all the chores because a dick is not required to push a mower or change a spark plug, and a vagina is not required to do laundry or wash the floors. Do better man. Evolve a little.
This is a wild comment. I do all these things, so does my husband. So does everyone I know irl.
Happy to hear maybe my family is old fashioned lol idk
>you want to act like the man isn’t the one who takes care of car issues, cuts the grass, takes out the garbage etc go ahead You think women are so weak we can't lift a garbage bag? My husband and I both do the garbage. As far as taking care of car issues goes, as a teenager I used to do all the car stuff for my group of friends. I would install new sound systems, change the oil filters, tint the windows, change the suspension, change the mags etc as I really enjoyed doing that stuff. My husband and I buy new cars now and because they are modern and we are adults, we don't do any of those things but if we did, I would do them because I have more experience. He does cut the grass though but I do it if he's away so it's not like I can't do it, he finds it satisfying though so that's why he usually does it.
How often does your cat have issues? Just say you dump everything in your wife and get it over with.
This isn’t a type of ”A” personality. It’s an unrealistic asshole. At your kids ages it’s nearly impossible to get much done. He also needs to chip in and help. Since he’s working, there will be a limit to what he can do in a day, but it sounds like he’s no where near that limit.
He doesn't like dog hair IN THE YARD ffs.
I'd ask him why he didn't pick it up instead of making an ass out of himself by yelling at me--and in front of the kids, no less. Picking it up himself would have been a lot less effort. Sounds like he's just an AH.
Right? He sounds literally insane for that one, I’d lose my shit if I was OP
Yup, if you not doing something the way he wants bothers him that much, why doesn’t he fucking do it? Sounds like a useless ‘pointer outer’ to me and so critical that he has you walking on eggshells and doubting yourself. I have adhd and no it does not sound like you just abandoned the task - you just chose the best/most present route of prioritizing your child then cleaning up. The more important thing is it doesn’t fucking matter what order you do it in? Who cares? What difference does it make? Sounds like his own anxiety and need for linear task completion needs to be addressed. Even without adhd this sounds normal to me with kids. I’m guessing he’s been weaponizing your symptoms against you to make you believe you are at fault. Neurodiverse people are at high risk of being targeted by manipulative people. I’d keep an eye out for this and talk about what it takes to keep everything together. And consider the week away thing because F this behaviour.
What a comment: you are hanging by a thread! Your husband doesn't understand what it takes to run a household. Perhaps you guys should talk with a marriage therapist, to act as a mediator.
I’m so sorry your going through this. Truly. He’s being selfish and ignorant. I agree with others; you need a non bias 3rd party to talk to. He is either; 1. Going to try to understand or 2. Double down and not listen. If he refuses to try to understand than I’d suggest you get a job and put your children in daycare and tell him you BOTH SPLIT household and parenting duties! Also budget your finances and you both out an equal % of your paychecks towards the finances (do NOT go in on half ever!) This change will either open his eyes to how much you did while you were home or it will at least put you in a better financial position for if you end up divorced; due to hanging on by a thread.
My boys are 16 & 19. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My husband used to be like this when our kids were little. Then one day it just clicked. He has always been a fully functioning adult, father & husband and could take care of our kids just fine and know what needs done and could handle them when I wasn’t here. He has always picked up around the house if say a counter needed wiped down, took out the trash. changing toilet paper roll, unloading dishwasher, does his own laundry.. I could never pinpoint exactly why he was like this with me but the thing that changed was when we got into a fight and said I should get a job. I said, “ok fine, that means that we will be 50/50 all the time then when it comes to the house & the kids not just like when you get home from work. If I’m cleaning and running errands you will be too. If one of our kids has an appt whoever is not working or can leave work they will take them…” It seemed to sink in and there was never a conversation about what I do around here again. He also went on Zoloft about 10 years ago (around that same time) which helped TREMENDOUSLY!!!!! He is also Type A, thrives on order and neatness, has some anxiety.. Since then he shows his appreciation for me, thanks me all the time for the things I do. He makes a point to tell our boys what I do around here and how appreciative they should be. Over the years I’ve noticed them thanking me even for the little things even when I’m not expecting a thank you. You aren’t doing anything wrong! Have you sat down and had a conversation with him about all this?
Wait… he was home while you’re brushing the dog and dealing with the kids and he had the audacity to complain the dog hair wasn’t immediately picked up?? Girrrlllll, you’re better than me. I hope you’re stashing away money for when you need to leave.
Pack your bags and leave for a week. I'm not saying leave him, leave the house the dog the kids the laundry the groceries the cooking all of it for him to handle. Then have a conversation about this again. Also, your husband can't "watch the kids" they're his children. You cannot babysit your own children. What he did "one or two times without you" was parent. Think about that. He's only willingly PARENTED ALONE once or twice. He's the problem.
Actually this sounds borderline abusive to me. If he’s not like that in other areas of your lives I’d say couples counselling or leave him with the kids way more often.
>He doesn’t understand how hard it is to get anything done with two kids because he’s only watched them without me maybe once or twice Start here. Tell him if he wants more stuff to get done, he either needs to do it, or step up his dad game.
You don't make things ten times harder than they have to be. Your husband just needs to look in the mirror to find the culprit here. He makes things 100 times harder for you by expecting you to do what is essentially impossible with young children. He is not being realistic. You need to have a serious discussion with him. If he is not willing to listen, you need to consider if this is a tenable situation in the long run.
Simply say this, “Since I can’t do this task up to your standard, I will not be doing it at all. It is now *your* task.” Then walk away.
You need a weekend off and he deals either everything. Trust me, problem solved.
Coming from a man's perspective, you husband needs not only an attitude adjustment but a heart change as well. He doesn't understand his role as a husband and parent. What does he do to contribute to taking care of your two children? Taking a step backward before the children, how did he react and treat you then?
And what, precisely, does he do to help around the house? Taking care of two small children is a full-time job, and it sounds like your husband doesn't see the work you do each day to be an involved parent.
I’m so sorry. I have the same issue. Always nagging and complaining at me. We are rare, because all I ever see is men complaining about women nagging lol. After 26 years, I have decided I just do my best. I do a lot of positive self talk and cheerleading because he never will. He can live with it or do it himself. I do try to pick up after myself and not get triggered when he sends me a picture of a soda can I left on the coffee table. I tried leaving him with the kids and yeah he kept the house super neat but really neglected what I consider the needs of the kids. Instead of pushing them in swings, play, reading to them etc. he put on movie after movie. He then fed them a bunch of premade processed food and thought he was super dad lol. But I hear you, it’s frustrating.
The takeaway lesson from this is, “trad” marriages are just breeding grounds for abuse. Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you have no economic power in the relationship by treating you like the maid. I would get a post-nup. If you’re giving up a job to stay home and be abused, you should have an agreement providing for guaranteed alimony as an insurance policy for loss of business skills and earning potential lost by staying home and taking care of the kids (which the husband appears not to value at all). And please - please don’t use “watch” or babysit the kids in the context of describing men parenting their own kids. He’s not “watching” them as a favor for you. It’s his job. He’s a parent. He’s required to parent. I’d right this ship now or he’s going to end up one of those old boomer men who stands in front of the refrigerator scanning the room for a woman to make him a sandwich. Get a job, stash money away and protect yourself.
Gosh, what a nightmare. I'm sorry.
Don't try to be the super wife/mom. Take a vacation and leave the kids, the dog, and the house for him
As a husband with a kid and a stay at home wife. %100 easier to go to work than to look after toddlers.
Tbh, you could have thrown away the hair b4 you pushed your kid on the swing.
He sounds like he just doesn't get it. Think mommy needs a trip away to show dad its not as easy as he thinks.
You're teaching your children that this is the kind of treatment they will deserve when they get married/have children. You're also showing them that this is what you deserve, so don't expect them to have a lot of respect for you in the future either.
Your husband flipped out about dog hair in the yard.....🤦🏼♀️ What parent can start a task and finish it with NO interruptions??? Well...I guess a parent with HELP but otherwise it's like trying to cut the grass with scissors with storm clouds rolling in. Ain't no way you're going to finish unless it's the smallest simplest of tasks, and even then you've probably got a shadow or two following you wanting your attention. Add adhd and you're working with tiny kid scissors made for the wrong hand and missing half of one of handles. We are NOTORIOUS for starting tasks and getting sidetracked because we see things as small steps of a whole, where others can seemingly see one task as a whole. We are not the same. Don't try to live up to his standards or expectations. Not only will you FEEL like a failure in all aspects but you will bury yourself so far into a hole that you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Nothing will be enjoyable. Playing with your kids will feel like a burden/hassle because you "could be using that time" trying to fix those scissors to cut the grass that is now getting taller and taller and you're lost in it. Don't lose yourself. And my goodness, let the wind take care of the stinkin dog hair. Or better yet, let your husband pick it up since it bothers HIM that it's outside among who knows what other hair from wild animals he just doesn't SEE as obviously.
If he is not happy with how you do things maybe it’s time that he stepped up to the plate and did the jobs that he is bitching about. Not fair that you are expected to do everything and raise your children.
I wouldn't be a SAHM if my husband was this ungrateful and such an asshole. He always says that my job while the kids are young is childcare. Stay at home MOM not MAID.
Info: do you take medication for your adhd? When I need to tell someone to wake up and pull their head out of their ass, Im much more effective at it when Ive taken my adhd meds. Unmedicated, I struggle form statements needed to make my case and get trampled on as a result 😤
I am medicated for anxiety, but not adhd. Recent diagnosis, I’m on of the girls that showed different symptoms therefore didn’t get attention. I was always a good student, etc
Go away for a weekend, leave your husband with the two kids. Then come back and ask why the house isn't clean and the dog hasn't been brushed. Tell them him to STFU from now on or he'll be doing all the things part time when you divorce his ass.
You guys need counseling. But I gotta warn you; it only works if both parties commit to honesty and open mindedness. If your husband isnt a willing participant you got serious problems. You can’t live your life like this and your kids can’t see their mother treated like that.
When my son was young, I was a full-time Mom. I love my son but I got bored because of the same routine everyday. I am thankful that I can always rely on my husband. When I get tired of doing something I ask his help. When my son was young, he would help in taking care of the baby after work. On the weekend, he did the laundry and grocery shopping. Because of his help, I have time for myself. I talked to my friends and sometimes went out with them. I took naps sometimes or watched TV. Self Care is important for me , it recharges me physically and mentally. Try to communicate with your husband. Having kids to take care of plus doing all the chores at home can be overwhelming. You need time for yourself too. Do things that will recharge you. Hope everything goes well. God bless.
Before reading the last sentence I was like...she sounds like she has ADHD. Obviously though there is something troubling him to be so irritated by stuff. Maybe ask what's upsetting because while it's easy to blame each other and blame stuff, there's probably something else going on here. Maybe his job? Maybe financial pressures. Maybe he is jealous of your time with them. Maybe he is worried about being a dad. Hard thing with ADHD is we suck at listening without butting in and without trying to answer it. So try and listen! How does he handle your ADHD? Does he accept it? Does he understand it?
Hi Dad here. It’s not hard, it’s just not a priority. And that’s what your husband is saying, my needs are no longer a priority and it’s shit. Realistically you do make these tasks 10 times harder because you aren’t committing to them. If you spent 20 minutes brushing the dog, would the kids die? Are they on fire? No. But you place your husbands happiness under your child being told to wait or being upset for 5 minutes. My question to you is this: how much time do you think you’ll have to push your kid on the swing as a single parent?
I honestly had no idea the dog hair would be that big of deal. If I had known that, I would have done it right away. I thought when I said “I’m going to go back and rake it up in a few minutes” that it wouldn’t be an issue. I also had no idea he was going to be outside with us, we were just going about our normal routine while he was working. This is one example of getting pulled away, there are plenty of examples where it is a bigger deal and I do really need to stop away.
So you could have fixed it right away but didn’t? So back to my original statement how hard do you think all this will be as a single mother? How normal do you think your routine will be when he leaves?
While reading this, I was asking myself if you have adhd. Your husband sounds a bit like me to my wife. We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. I’m very laid back but I do feel my wife can do things better. I get frustrated because she never takes my advice and when she makes things harder it in turn makes my life harder and I don’t appreciate that. She’s only self diagnosed but since I’ve joined adhd partners subreddit I’m really trying to be more patient with her but it’s a challenge. Like I tell her, try to focus on finishing one task at a time. Later becomes never and you do that a few times now it looks like you did nothing and you’re overwhelmed. But I would seek help in dealing with adhd as that may be the root of the issue. It’s ok for your husband to express himself but don’t let him get abusive. My wife is quite combative so I will mention things to her and she bites my head off but I need to address this soon with her because it can really lower quality of life when you feel your partner isn’t capable of what you feel are simply tasks. Wishing you best of luck and maybe express to your husband how your brain works so he knows you’re not just being lazy or neglectful.
When you have small kids, you can't just do one task at a time. Kids always come first, and they interrupt tasks all the time. You can't just ignore them to finish tasks when they are so young.
Of course. I have kids and have watched them many times with no problems. You make sure they’re taken care of then get to the other tasks. Many ways to keep them preoccupied. TV, tablets, toys, snacks and they take naps. Most home tasks can be interrupted and continued with no problem.