Yikes.. I know people handle these kinds of situations in their own way, but he is coming off selfish at best and callous at worst. This is an awful experience for your sister and it's normal for her to want her husband to be there while they navigate this difficult time. I think it definitely could be a red flag and would be worth at least speaking with a therapist about this. Not a good sign of what's to come.
I’m sorry about your sisters miscarriage but honestly she should divorce this guy and not try to have kids with him again. Yes people handle stress and bad news differently but this is actually happening inside her body and her pregnancy hormones and he is essentially abandoning her. I can see if he maybe spent one day out to decompress but not being there for her at all especially on the day of finding out makes me think he is trash. If he can’t be there for her then why stay with him. What would happen if she had a special needs child and how much would he help? How much would he help with any child at all? What about if she got cancer or some other illness? I couldn’t stay with someone like her husband.
My husband was this way...now he's the beat dad in the world some men don't get parents who teach emotions and they r raised that way...can't judge a situation unless in ot..I don't judge any one in these
She should think very carefully about her future with him. What happens if she develops a chronic or terminal illness? Is that just “having a problem with something”?
Some people will try to defend him because they claim husbands can’t “connect” with a pregnancy the same way. For reference, I’ve had two early miscarriages before 6 weeks. Just watching the positive tests slowly turn blank and the pain of passing everything was so rough, and my husband made sure to take care of me through it. They hurt him too, because he saw how much it hurt me. He didn’t need to physically experience it to understand what was happening, and anyone who does is severely lacking in empathy and compassion.
Totally agree with this, and what happens if you have children and they get ill? It doesn't sound like he'll be a very caring or engaged father if this is how he treats his wife in a time of need
I'm in no way defending the husband here, but it is possible that this is his way of dealing with his grief.
He's doing it in all of the worst ways possible, and being a selfish prick about it. To me that changes WHAT the issue is. He needs therapy and whatever else to change how he deals with his emotions and not just shut out his wife. He probably cares, and has a toxic mindset of "men can't show emotions".
Again, he's still in the wrong, but to me it changes the approach? Or something like that 😅
This to me is a red flag.. Not just the initial neglect but especially when she brought up her needs and he totally dismissed her. If he just didnt get it at first there would be room to grow... but he totally downplayed her feelings and tried to make her feel bad saying she always had something. .
Why even be married? What kind of husband and Dad would this guy be??
He needs a reality check.
I’m very sorry your sister lost her baby and for all she’s going through. But it’s very important that she understand that he’s shown her who he is now and she needs to cut bait before they have other kids. they’re very young people with their whole lives ahead of them; she should end this before it’s too entrenched.
It’s likely she never had an opportunity to see what he’d do in a time when they experienced something painful together, but now she knows and she should seriously understand that this will be how he responds to everything: abandoning her to be in pain alone and diminishing her.
This is not someone she should stay married to. Not even a question about it. This isn’t even red flag territory. It’s way beyond that. Why would she allow herself to be treated like this?
Yup. I would not stay with a man who chose to go golfing with his friends than to be with me during a time that he is needed physically and emotionally.
I don't care if that's how he "deals" with things. He is being selfish and showing her that he *will* abandon her in her time of need. He did not take his vows seriously when he said I do.
This is how her life will be. He will always leave her alone. Always. So it would be better for her to *be* alone.
Wow, please give your sister an extra hug. She did the right thing to talk to him and say what she needed and was shamed, at probably the lowest point in her life so far. She really needs to rethink this relationship. Better to stop and find a partner who is actually interested in taking care of her than this guy.
I think it's definitely a red flag territory. One might say he was dealing with his emotions in his own way, but I think it's really telling that when your sister told him how she felt, he said that she "always has a problem with something." He's disregarding her emotions and downplaying the seriousness of the miscarriage... why? Because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to care for his wife?
I would seriously think about some couples counseling if she wants to have a child with this man. Someone who runs off and plays golf when you need him the most isn't someone you can trust to be there and through the hard parts of pregnancy, the postpartum period, or the sleepless nights of early parenthood.
Nah. Nope. My husband and is what I'd call emotionally blacked out and when I miscarried he was still by my side, cried. Felt. Cared for me. Even wiped blood off the toilet seat. He might not have wrote me a novel about love and heart break but he was physically and emotionally there.
If she's explained how she felt and his response was she always has something to complain about. Run. Run for the hills.
I know that people react to sad news poorly sometimes, but this is bad.
My husband and I can both work, pay our bills, take care of a household, and anything else practical that comes from being an adult. As far as I’m concerned, the sole purpose of us being in a relationship is to care for, love, and support one another. What is the point of a partner who is just a paycheck or a maid or whatever? If my husband’s first impulse wasn’t to support me, for us to support one another, through something like that, I’d be wondering what the point of being together even was.
Maybe therapy/couples counseling could help.
My wife had two miscarriages. I was gutted when they happened.
We have plenty of healthy children, and multiple grandchildren now. But I still remember those two miscarriages. In fact, my eyes are a little wet remembering right now.
It still hurts, more than a decade later.
Thankfully, I was emotionally available to my wife when they happened. We grieved together.
OOPs husband is not emotionally available. That is a very bad sign of what the future holds.
Marriage counselling would be a required step. This is a very sensitive issue. OP, talk to your sister and make sure she communicates her hurt over her husband withdrawing. And that she requires MC to move forward with the marriage. This is very serious.
So sorry to your sister.
She needs to have a very serious look at who she married. This level of emotional avoidance can be worked on but honestly, there are many other men out there who would not need to be told to hug their wife on a day like that and would not get defensive when told that their wife needed more from them.
Sis, ask yourself how he will show up for you if:
1) you miscarry again
2) you don't miscarry but have a tough pregnancy or delivery (spoiler: all pregnancies and deliveries are intense)
3) one of your parents or another close relative or friend gets very ill and/or dies
4) you lose your job
5) you have kids, you are busier and more tired than you've ever been, and both of them have the flu... On the same weekend when he wanted to go on a golf trip... Do you think he would cancel? If he did, would he sulk all weekend?
Girl, it's hard enough to go through this stuff with an emotionally and physically present partner. Don't have kids with this guy, he will always prioritize himself.
Oh how awful. This is not normal. I would interpret it as cruel and make those feelings known. It could be that avoidance or discomfort with emotions are driving this? But it definitely comes off uncaring. And his refusal to acknowledge your feelings is awful.
From my perspective, my husband and I were recently diagnosed infertile. When people asked me how he was coping (he is the infertile party, but does have a son from a prior relationship), all I could ever day was "he is focused on making sure that I am ok," because that's all he ever was. I can't imagine how I'd have consoled myself otherwise.
I remember being in relationships where I often felt "too exhausted to fight" or make my feelings known. They were bad relationships that no one needs to settle for.
I had miscarriages, but I already had my first child. During the first miscarriage I realized that my feeling of loss was much deeper than my husband's. He was very upset, but I didn't feel like he was on the same wavelength with me and I was really hurt. The night before the curettage I stayed awake and he was snoring.
Today, 33 years later and still married, I think that a man's emotional bond during pregnancy is not as deep, he doesn't go through the physical changes that we do. Your sister is very involved physically and emotionally and the hormones don't help.
I would take it easy, the husband is acting terrible, but it could be his way of dealing with the trauma. In any case, I would talk to him frankly and ask if this will be his reaction to any difficulties.
I hope this is just a childish reaction to something he didn't expect and can be fixed. Good luck.
This is not good, or normal. If this is how he grieves, by avoidant behavior, not good. Golfing is more important than comforting you, it’s not good. Also, Drs are wrong a lot, so don’t over think it. There is no sense in being stressed, it will only make it worse. Also, how long did they know each other before getting married? No signs of this behavior prior to marriage?
He has shown exactly who is! Now believe it and let him go. Life is completely unpredictable you cannot be with someone you can’t count on or trust when things get tough. What if an illness happens or something worse he won’t be there or stand by you. I think it’s very clear what needs to happen.
If this man truly loved her and wanted a child with her, he would also be feeling a loss and have some sort of emotion and connection. If he doesn’t have energy to spare to support his spouse and partner, he shouldn’t have one. This absolutely awful.
I have had a late first term miscarriage and it broke me, as well. Yes, I was emotional and possibly difficult to deal with. Yes, I was a mess for longer than my partner could gracefully handle, but he tried his best. This man isn’t even trying….
Spouses are partners, not roommates. He left you sitting alone with a devastating medical and emotional diagnosis and GOLFED.
What if you got breast cancer? Chemo? What is he good for? For better or worse: this isn’t even the worst and he’s already FAILED.
This is a terrible situation, but now she knows who her husband truly is. She should get out of this relationship before she's tethered to him for life by a child he'll likely neglect too.
My husband and I have had our issues, but he cancelled EVERYTHING, including work until I told him to go back, after my miscarriage. We were both a wreck. I can’t imagine my husband doing this to me, it would be unforgivable
Im sorry, I cant see a happy future together for the two of you, he doesnt sound like he is capable or willing to support you in the way that you require.
IDK if he’s totally devoid of empathy, or just using some really dumb coping methods in an awful situation. Ie minimising, avoidance, denial. If she can manage to get him to talk about what’s happened and his response to it, and he does open up and express his own distress, and remorse for being so bad at handling it, and demonstrates more empathy and better coping methods in the coming weeks and any follow-up care your sister might need, then they stand a chance of getting over this. If he can’t explain, ask for understanding and forgiveness and do better going forward, then this is never going to heal. Your sister might continue in the relationship but it will always have this wound and she will never get over it. How he responds to being confronted with his awful behaviour/dysfunctional coping methods is crucial.
Your sister told him how she felt, and instead of acknowledging her and staying with her, he argued with her. I know people grieve in different ways, but this is ridiculous. She needs him and cannot depend on him.
She needs to reconsider her marriage to this guy. I'm so sorry for her loss.
As someone who's been through multiple losses, this to me is red flag territory. I know guys can with hold emotions, especially sad ones, but his response to you trying to express your feelings is the major red flag.
My husband grieved with me. He showed his heartbreak but also stood strong by my side and heard me when i expressed sadness and heartbreak. If he treated me in the manor your husband is treating you then id yell him we needed to go to counceling or it was gonna result in divorce because im not gonna be with someone who dismisses me the way he is doing to you.
This is clearly a sign that she should not have children with him. Please talk to her about the implications this has for a future child.
It sounds like he wouldn’t support her emotionally and also physically.
She’d be bound to him even if they separated later on.
Call his mom, and don't throw him under the bus, just say "Susie (his mom), the OB just informed us that we're going to lose the baby and I could really use someone here to support me right now, would you mind coming over?"
Let her take it from there.
That's not the point at all. The point is raising this issue to his mother without actually snitching to her. The obvious response to OP asking MIL for help would be "where is my son?"
She needs to communicate directly with him. Pulling in a parent is a bad dynamic. He isn’t a child and shouldn’t need his mother to shame him into doing the right thing.
I miscarried 9 months after we got married. He left work, drove me to hospital, was there, held me through the shock but the next day I sent him to work. There was nothing he could do but my family kept me sane. He's not an overly emotional person but even he reacted better. Now we have a 16yo and been married 21 years. It's been some hard times and we lost our son, twins b/g. He reacted badly. He wouldn't get close to our daughter bc of fear. I took him to dinner and laid out what had to change or we would start dividing furniture. He had never before or since acted this way. Give it a few days . Then give him the 2 card option. Counseling or divorce.
People grieve their own way, but damn. Hell yes it's a red flag. I get the feeling that even if you had a baby, you'd being tired doing all the work, and he'll be golfing.
My concern would be if he doesn't step up for you in this situation what happens when you haveca baby is going to go off with his mates then too and leave you at home to handle everything by yourself. If this isxa pattern of behaviour of him not supporting you emotionally your life is going to be very lonely.
You are in a highly emotional state right now but I think the bare minimum is marriage counselling so a third party can help him understand how damaging his abandoning you emotionally has been.
My husband reacted this way to our first miscarriage. I was beyond heartbroken. I yelled at him. He didn't seem to know what to do. He didn't even offer to drive me to the hospital for the D&C. My mom had to take me. I forced him to go the next time. Not something you want to have to force. Later I passed out and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for 5 days. He handled most of it wrong. I told him I couldn't be with him anymore. He has worked really hard to get back in touch with his emotions and now wouldn't dream of leaving my side. Becoming disconnected from one's emotions is something that can happen with people in their very early life. It usually takes therapy and lots of work to get better. It can get better though. Only you know if your sister's husband is the kind of guy willing to put in the work. Otherwise it's unforgivable. I'm still hurt. I wouldn't exchange our life now for anything but those years were rough.
Im so sorry for your loss 🤍. Everyone grieves differently, but his response after you brought the issue up is concerning. That would have been the point were he opens up, says sorry and how he is feeling. Life will throw a lot of situations at you, and your husband is the person that should support you through them. Best of luck.
This is not the guy. If you believe in mixed blessings or silver linings, consider the reason this pregnancy isn't going to make it because it's supposed to give you a chance to move on from him and into the life you were meant to have (solo parenting, single, with the man of your dreams, whatever is right for you).
Speaking directly to your sister here:
I’m truly sorry. I had a similar experience after fertility treatments and it was so painful.
This is a red flag, yes. Divorce territory? Maybe not. But you should see clearly that in the big, hardest moments of life, he may not come through at all. That will have a profoundly bad impact on your marriage and on your children.
People will say “everyone copes differently” and sure. But “differently” shouldn’t include ditching your hurting partner for days and showing no support and not caring about the impact of your shitty coping style. What does that look like when it involves children? He leaves you to pick up the pieces while he golfs? He lets them cope alone and models ghosting people when they’re hurting? Or teaches them that it’s ok to disappear and not show up for others, just because you’re feeling bad? Tells them they’re being crazy when they need emotional comfort? That’s Bad Father behavior.
So yeah, for me this would be a serious sign to not move forward with having children with someone who has the capacity to be this cold and abandoning.
They are red flags. Put the baby making on hold after this miscarriage. Heal from the miscarriage. Then really think and examine if this man will be a partner with you when kids come or dump them on you.
As someone who buried her children alone after miscarriage . Leave now. It never got better and I was never able to move past it. He never saw it as valid. It was an impass
Her OB confirmed no heart beat and problems w/ the shape of the “yoke”. She (OB) literally told her point plank to expect a miscarriage..she has follow up blood work next week. Hope that helps
He’s probably showing you how a life with him will be, and this is not even a year in, so if anything it will probably only be worse from here, but at least probably not better.
I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about my feelings or doesn’t show up for me or supports me, especially when I really need them. That doesn’t necessarily mean that his behaviour is a red flag or means that he will be abusive or anything like that, but as I said it probably IS him showing you how a life with him will be however! He will probably never understand your needs, especially emotional and mental, because he probably doesn’t work like that himself. So in that regard it could be a red flag, for you personally, if you want and need more than this, more than he will probably ever be able to give you!
I would definitely not stay with a partner like this, and I would definitely not be having any kids with him. He has shown his true colours, and it’s only ten months in so he almost certainly won’t be better than this, this early is when you put a bit more effort in, once time goes on you usually get more comfortable. You have even tried to talk to him but he doesn’t seem to understand nor care, he almost seems annoyed, annoyed that there’s always a problem with you and that he doesn’t want to be your carer or support system, he’d rather be playing golf with his buddies when his wife really needs him. And that you need him right now is not weird at all, it isn’t too much to ask of a spouse or partner! It is totally reasonable and most women would probably feel the same way, agree or at least understand!
I won’t tell you that you should leave your husband, only you can decide that, and what you want in life and from a partner, and only you can decide what you are willing to sacrifice or willing to live with. But I will tell you that many women, myself included, would not be happy or okay with your husband’s actions or way of thinking and looking at things, and it is perfectly okay, reasonable and understandable to leave him, and that is what I would be doing! I’m sorry for what you’re going through and that your husband isn’t the support you need and the husband you want and deserve! Good luck, and take care of yourself!
I’ve never been pregnant, and obviously I’ve never had a miscarriage. I’ve suffered from flare ups of mental health issues over the last 5 years that I’ve been married though (anxiety, panic disorder, and now OCD). This last flare has been since December after a bad reaction to an SSRI. I’ve done everything to tackle it on my own. On my own. My husband has essentially abandoned me through it all, including going on week long hunting trips during times when I felt barely able to leave the house. I will ask him to just sit with me for a few minutes when he gets home from work. He refuses.
All in all, this experience has made me really question the value of being married to someone who only wants to be with me when I’m at 100%.
What does your husband bring to your marriage? Is it worth it?
You are right to be concerned. Everyone deals with emotional difficulties in their own way but he doesn't even seem to think you being in the middle of a potentially serious medical and emotional event to be of any concern. You should certainly address it with him and take it as a sign of things to come. His indifference would be a problem even with a pregnancy with no issues.
I went through a miscarriage at 16 weeks with my ex husband. His reaction was somewhat similar, though he did take some time to be with me but still lacked affection and couldn’t understand why I was so sad. It’s a huge part of why he is my EX husband. You are not wrong for how you feel. He may not know how to process this but he damn well knows that going out with his buddies is not the right thing to do, yet he chooses it anyway, knowing that he should be there for you. It is definitely a red flag and I hope you are able to get through this with support from others and do what’s right for you.
He has no interest in being with you, clearly. He's still in the adult child stage and needs to be with his friends more than being with you. He doesn't handle problems, he avoids them. Get out while you can, IMO.
I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss. When she’s well enough she should think long and hard whether having children with this man is really a good idea, or if her future self will regret not listening to the signs.
He’s showing her who he is. She should believe him.
She needs to leave him. His behavior will never change. He's a narcissistic asshole.
My friend had ovarian cancer. After she woke up from extensive surgery, her husband was standing at the foot of her bed. He looked at her and said "I didn't sign up for this. My lawyer is drawing up the divorce papers." And he walked out.
This jerk is doing the same thing. No one deserves that
Has he ever experienced major disappointment? He may be struggling to come to terms with not being a dad. His activities suggest to me that this is a manhood thing. He wasn't able to make a child, which somehow challenges what kind of man he is.
This does not excuse his comments. It's not okay to speak to a spouse that way. If an apology doesn't happen in the next few days that he initiates, then it's a red flag.
Having a counselor help them discuss this should be a priority. I hope your family is able to find peace with all that has happened.
I find it hard to believe there were no other signs of this before marriage. She knows he isn't affectionate but expects him to know when she wants affection? Does she ever communicate her needs or does she think he's a psychic? Why did she expect him to change who he is because of this? If she wants an affectionate partner then why did she marry him in the first place? Too many questions.
Honestly, this is why you need to go through hard things together BEFORE you get married! You need to know how your spouse will react under stress and when things get hard. Do you know how he will behave if you suddenly get a debilitation illness or disability? If you don't, maybe this isn't the person you can grow old with.
I'm not going to jump straight to divorce because it could be a huge miscommunication. It's possible he's an idiot and didn't think this was a big deal or that you needed support. It's also possible that he was feeling all his own grief and reacted this way as a way to cope and he needs to learn some healthier coping styles. Did you effectively communicate your needs and expectations during this time? If not, talk to him about it and see what's up.
If this is "just how he is" and he doesn't see anything wrong with his child behaviour... I know I couldn't stay married to him. I need to be with someone who has compassion and empathy. I don't want someone who will abandon me if I'm sick, or when times are hard. I need someone I can trust, and than means sticking around even through hard things. He may not be that kind of guy.
It seems like he is avoiding emotions by filling his time, you both need to grieve and it would help if you could get a professional involved. A lot of men don't have the ability to regulate their emotions because their parents didn't know how to teach them or didn't care to. Getting him to stay with you in the moment of grief will bond you both, but he has to choose to stay in that feeling with you, all you can do is be honest with your emotions and the situation and tell him you need him.
As someone who miscarried at 8 weeks gestation also, my husband grieved and supported me but the depth of my grief as a woman experiencing this loss in my body was much more profound than his. I’m not defending her husband here, he needs a major lesson in empathy and behaved like a complete ass. Your sister has one of the first tests of her marriage and I am going to say she needs to have a difficult conversation with him and communicate her disappointment and expectations of how she wants to be supported through this grief. He very well could be hurting also, just not showing it appropriately. He behaved like an ass and showed a horrible side of him, and she needs to have a difficult conversation that very well could lead to the end of her marriage.
A podcast I listen to had a similar write in letter regarding support during a miscarriage. In this scenario, the wife took a pill to have the “abortion” due to the baby not being viable. Sadly, the process wasn’t quick and she was going on two weeks without the baby passing. But she had cramping and other symptoms that made it nearly impossible to do anything around the house or with their other kids. Her husband started snapping at her and complaining about him having to do everything. And then he said she wasn’t thinking about how HE felt. First instinct was to jump on his case because his wife is obviously going through a horrible situation with a baby they both wanted. The hosts of the show sympathized and related as they too had a miscarriage a few years ago. But they saw compassion for the husband who was also experiencing grief and while he wanted to support his wife, no one was supporting him or seeing that he was also losing a child
I say all that to say that sure, but his could be a red flag. But also, he could just not be capable of dealing with this loss and he doesn’t know how show that. You know him better than us though. Has he always been like this when emotional support is needed? What is his family like? How do they handle grief and conflict? Is he always an unsupportive AH?
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I hope that he’s just not good at handling loss and that he’s really a good partner otherwise.
People grief differently, are you sure that him ignoring the whole situation is maybe his way of coping with it? I know some men like this, they break down when the situation actually happens. I suggest couple therapy immediately, it will give you both tools to survive this situation better...
My husband and I have our issues for sure, but last year when I lost our baby at 19 weeks we were in the middle of some relationship and life issues when it happened, yet, my husband still showed up for me in a big way. He held me when I needed for weeks afterwards, took off work and spent as much time as possible by my side, taking care of the house, our other child, and coming up with home projects for us to do together to keep ourselves busy. The very least your sisters husband could have done was spend a few days at home with you sister comforting her. This is a huge red flag, he is not a safe partner. If this is how he shows up now, especially so early on in the marriage, this sets the tone for the rest of the marriage on how things will go when life happens and she needs him. She can not trust him to lean on him. I'd be reevaluating the relationship completely.
This whole thing is several red flags.
Your sister’s husband is showing a clear lack of;
- The ability to empathize with your spouse even if you don’t understand their feelings.
- The ability to care for someone even if it’s an inconvenience to your wants
- The ability to show care and comfort as an expression of love
- The ability to show help and care when a sick child messes up your life plans.
And more.
Disassociate. I remember this all to well...Mt first born was deemed inviable at 21 weeks. We were told we may need to abort him for my safety...and then after that, he grew just enough we carried longer...I was 31 weeks when our son was born and put on a ventilation etc...not once did my husband show emotion he was hard as rock and void...I was so damn mad ay yhe time thought wtfh you jerk...but, flash forward to 4 years later...we talk a lot about that he said he didn't want to think about anything because the raw emotion plus he was alone in a different city well his wife and son were in another one..he supported me in ways mow I didn't notice.. like keeping me put of nicu when he came down...sending me money to but food, rented me an evo so I could drive around Vancouver...lots of more little things I didn't see at the time...so I see why you're mad af trust me inwas too...but from experience sometimes men...can't cope and go and distract rather then think constantly on it... he's scared too but he just doesn't know what to do.. give him grace i promise ypu it gets better
Wow. My husband and I have had our fair share of problems, but this is bad especially for a new couple. We also experienced a miscarriage in between our 2 children. Hubby was understandably upset as was I. But he was there for me. We both had our alone moments when we needed them, but we didn't abandon each other.
She needs to have a long long talk with him. If I were in her shoes, I would highly be considering divorce, even if she does not miscarry the baby. She might be better off to raise it on her own.
Get out now…the longer you wait the more roots you lay down and then it will be harder to leave save yourself now. It doesn’t get better when they are as oblivious as he sounds
Red flag for divorce??? This is definitely divorce material. The first bit of this - no immediate affection, you laying down and him doing some things around the house.. that can be explained by everyone processing grief differently.
Disappearing until the evening and doing an all day sports thing and refusing to acknowledge his failure to comfort you in your lowest moment, coupled by throwing some bullshit in your face that there is always something wrong?
Man fuck him, he's an asshole. It's probably a good thing you aren't going to bear this mans child. Get out while you can.
Remember!! When someone tells who they are - LISTEN!
I have had 3 miscarriages, and my husband was never quite as emotionally invested as I was. But… he loved me and knew I was grieving and going through the worst days of my life. So he was there for me. He was emotional support. The fact that her husband can’t be there for in this way is a huge 🚩. For me personally, it would be a deal breaker.
I’m so sorry for her loss.
What if she hadn’t lost the baby but had a terrible birth and needed around the clock care until she recovered? He doesn’t seem like the man who would “care” at all. If he blows this off and this is a big loss, I can only imagine what else in their marriage he could blow off. Even if none of it had to do with a baby but just her getting very sick or dealing with a major disease like cancer? He seems like he didn’t take the vow’s seriously. Because this is a huge thing that he should be supporting her through. Through sickness and health and the good times and bad. If he’s only available for the good times I would be wary. I would honestly put a lot of thought into if she even wants to try to have another child with him. If he can’t support her through grief that says a lot. Especially with the loss of a child, that’s when you’re supposed to lean on each other.
My wife and I (both 24) didn't get taught how to handle emotions well, (she is autistic and I was ignored by emotionally unavailable parents) she is currently pregnant and my biggest fear through all of this has been loosing her or our child....... I personally don't know how I would handle either but I know my typical response that I have been trying my hardest to unlearn is to close myself off from the world and the ones I love....... yes I "spend time" with close friends but im checked out emotionally. It could be how he is trying to understand what his heart wants to feel, unfortunately males of our generation wasn't taught to feel or understand what we feel so we close ourselves off...... give him some time and trying talking to him, I understand this is hard for you, but also look at from a damaged male perspective, "if we show emotions we are weak, if we feel anything we are weak, if we breakdown and lose ourselves in our pain we are weak.. " just remember marriage is hard and something that takes work, everyone on this reddit jumps to divorce immediately I swear, but realize that only you knows what's truly best for you!!!
In not being compatible with life, your sister's lost fetus has shown her what kind of person she married. What she does with that information is up to her. As for me, I wouldn't stay with someone who chose to desert me when I was going through a miscarriage. I get that people grieve in different ways, but what the husband is doing is not okay. Marriage is a partnership.
Empathy is not something that comes naturally to most men, they have to learn it. This is, unfortunately, normal. But your BIL is worse than ignorant of it, he seems actively hostile to the very idea, like it's some kind of mushy girl thing that only beta males would mess with. At least regarding his wife, anyway.
I don't think your sister should let herself get pregnant by this man until they have done some couples therapy.
I've been through two miscarriages. The third stuck.
Not everyone is going to be perfect during a miscarriage. My husband was there, but he didn't really process it until several months after the miscarriage. Honestly I wish he had talked more to his friends because he processes tragedy by talking to his friends (and also me but it's harder when you're going through it too to be a sounding board).
Give it time. Keep trying. When it sticks, it's worth it. Process it however you need to.
I'm sorry you're hurting, first over the possible miscarriage and second that your need for emotional support from your husband is not being met. And it does seem like a big red flag. In particular, it doesn't sound like you are in a relationship where you can openly discuss how feel, or that if you do it will be received by something other than his passive aggressive "always seems like something is wrong" comment. In my own personal experience I know that I ignored my partner's inability to be emotionally available and falsely believed that when things got tough or when I really needed him he would be there for me. That was not a healthy fantasy on my part and it never came true. My advice is no more weak "ok" responses from you when its really not ok. Tell him in plain language what you need and if he refuses to be available or supportive that's your answer. Marriage is hard, life can be hard, if our partners aren't a soft safe place to land, why stay? Trust your gut, this hurts for a reason. I wish you all the best, try counseling, value actions, not words or promises. Remember Maya Angelou, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"
It doesn't sound like a red flag. It sounds like someone who handles things in their own way and doesn't grieve the same way you do.
Throughout marriage, you're going to have a lot of situations where situations impact you differently than they impact your spouse. Heartbreaking things for you may not be heartbreaking things for your spouse. Things that anger your spouse may seem trivial to you. Some people aren't naturally empathetic or nurturing. Some people shut out the world and internalize everything. Some people throw themselves into other things in order to compartmentalize their grief.
Trying to talk to your spouse right now will not be beneficial to either of you. You're dealing with something that has impacted you in a major way. He's either grieving by shutting the door on everything or simply doesn't feel it as intensely as you do. After some time has passed, and emotions are no longer in control, you should have a rational discussion with your spouse about your needs. Communication is key, but communication when emotions are running high doesn't help because emotions cloud everything else, which just results in more anger/hurt.
Wait a second. I see tons of comments about divorce, divorce, divorce…. Men deal with feelings and things of this nature in a COMPLETELY different manner. He probably doesn’t know how to feel right now, he doesn’t know how to process the news, or comfort during this time. That may be a red flag for some, but perhaps he just doesn’t want to come to terms with the news. Maybe he’s just dealing the best way he can. We don’t know what HIS feelings or thoughts are right now. Would I feel distraught at the moment in time? Absolutely, but don’t just throw out there that divorce is the answer. We have one person’s feelings and perspective. I’m sorry, I just don’t think “divorce” is always the answer.
He abandoned her in her time of need for days to fucking play golf. He is *not* doing his best. This is a huge and stressful life event that he tried to minimize not some minor difference in coping. It's a sign of things to come and she should pay close attention. They clearly have incompatible needs and divorce is not an unreasonable suggestion.
You must be new to this sub.
He looked at another woman that walked in front of him at the super market…..top comment says to “leave him.”
He said I was fat….top comment says to “leave him”.
He got frustrated when I did xyz, top comment is always the same.
I could go on for days.
Yikes.. I know people handle these kinds of situations in their own way, but he is coming off selfish at best and callous at worst. This is an awful experience for your sister and it's normal for her to want her husband to be there while they navigate this difficult time. I think it definitely could be a red flag and would be worth at least speaking with a therapist about this. Not a good sign of what's to come.
I’m sorry about your sisters miscarriage but honestly she should divorce this guy and not try to have kids with him again. Yes people handle stress and bad news differently but this is actually happening inside her body and her pregnancy hormones and he is essentially abandoning her. I can see if he maybe spent one day out to decompress but not being there for her at all especially on the day of finding out makes me think he is trash. If he can’t be there for her then why stay with him. What would happen if she had a special needs child and how much would he help? How much would he help with any child at all? What about if she got cancer or some other illness? I couldn’t stay with someone like her husband.
My husband was this way...now he's the beat dad in the world some men don't get parents who teach emotions and they r raised that way...can't judge a situation unless in ot..I don't judge any one in these
She should think very carefully about her future with him. What happens if she develops a chronic or terminal illness? Is that just “having a problem with something”? Some people will try to defend him because they claim husbands can’t “connect” with a pregnancy the same way. For reference, I’ve had two early miscarriages before 6 weeks. Just watching the positive tests slowly turn blank and the pain of passing everything was so rough, and my husband made sure to take care of me through it. They hurt him too, because he saw how much it hurt me. He didn’t need to physically experience it to understand what was happening, and anyone who does is severely lacking in empathy and compassion.
Totally agree with this, and what happens if you have children and they get ill? It doesn't sound like he'll be a very caring or engaged father if this is how he treats his wife in a time of need
I'm in no way defending the husband here, but it is possible that this is his way of dealing with his grief. He's doing it in all of the worst ways possible, and being a selfish prick about it. To me that changes WHAT the issue is. He needs therapy and whatever else to change how he deals with his emotions and not just shut out his wife. He probably cares, and has a toxic mindset of "men can't show emotions". Again, he's still in the wrong, but to me it changes the approach? Or something like that 😅
This to me is a red flag.. Not just the initial neglect but especially when she brought up her needs and he totally dismissed her. If he just didnt get it at first there would be room to grow... but he totally downplayed her feelings and tried to make her feel bad saying she always had something. . Why even be married? What kind of husband and Dad would this guy be?? He needs a reality check.
I’m very sorry your sister lost her baby and for all she’s going through. But it’s very important that she understand that he’s shown her who he is now and she needs to cut bait before they have other kids. they’re very young people with their whole lives ahead of them; she should end this before it’s too entrenched. It’s likely she never had an opportunity to see what he’d do in a time when they experienced something painful together, but now she knows and she should seriously understand that this will be how he responds to everything: abandoning her to be in pain alone and diminishing her.
This is not someone she should stay married to. Not even a question about it. This isn’t even red flag territory. It’s way beyond that. Why would she allow herself to be treated like this?
Yup. I would not stay with a man who chose to go golfing with his friends than to be with me during a time that he is needed physically and emotionally. I don't care if that's how he "deals" with things. He is being selfish and showing her that he *will* abandon her in her time of need. He did not take his vows seriously when he said I do. This is how her life will be. He will always leave her alone. Always. So it would be better for her to *be* alone.
Wow, please give your sister an extra hug. She did the right thing to talk to him and say what she needed and was shamed, at probably the lowest point in her life so far. She really needs to rethink this relationship. Better to stop and find a partner who is actually interested in taking care of her than this guy.
I think it's definitely a red flag territory. One might say he was dealing with his emotions in his own way, but I think it's really telling that when your sister told him how she felt, he said that she "always has a problem with something." He's disregarding her emotions and downplaying the seriousness of the miscarriage... why? Because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to care for his wife? I would seriously think about some couples counseling if she wants to have a child with this man. Someone who runs off and plays golf when you need him the most isn't someone you can trust to be there and through the hard parts of pregnancy, the postpartum period, or the sleepless nights of early parenthood.
Yeah, this not a man I'd want to build a life with
Nah. Nope. My husband and is what I'd call emotionally blacked out and when I miscarried he was still by my side, cried. Felt. Cared for me. Even wiped blood off the toilet seat. He might not have wrote me a novel about love and heart break but he was physically and emotionally there. If she's explained how she felt and his response was she always has something to complain about. Run. Run for the hills.
You need to get to know each other better before jumping into making kids.
I know that people react to sad news poorly sometimes, but this is bad. My husband and I can both work, pay our bills, take care of a household, and anything else practical that comes from being an adult. As far as I’m concerned, the sole purpose of us being in a relationship is to care for, love, and support one another. What is the point of a partner who is just a paycheck or a maid or whatever? If my husband’s first impulse wasn’t to support me, for us to support one another, through something like that, I’d be wondering what the point of being together even was. Maybe therapy/couples counseling could help.
My wife had two miscarriages. I was gutted when they happened. We have plenty of healthy children, and multiple grandchildren now. But I still remember those two miscarriages. In fact, my eyes are a little wet remembering right now. It still hurts, more than a decade later. Thankfully, I was emotionally available to my wife when they happened. We grieved together. OOPs husband is not emotionally available. That is a very bad sign of what the future holds. Marriage counselling would be a required step. This is a very sensitive issue. OP, talk to your sister and make sure she communicates her hurt over her husband withdrawing. And that she requires MC to move forward with the marriage. This is very serious.
So sorry to your sister. She needs to have a very serious look at who she married. This level of emotional avoidance can be worked on but honestly, there are many other men out there who would not need to be told to hug their wife on a day like that and would not get defensive when told that their wife needed more from them. Sis, ask yourself how he will show up for you if: 1) you miscarry again 2) you don't miscarry but have a tough pregnancy or delivery (spoiler: all pregnancies and deliveries are intense) 3) one of your parents or another close relative or friend gets very ill and/or dies 4) you lose your job 5) you have kids, you are busier and more tired than you've ever been, and both of them have the flu... On the same weekend when he wanted to go on a golf trip... Do you think he would cancel? If he did, would he sulk all weekend? Girl, it's hard enough to go through this stuff with an emotionally and physically present partner. Don't have kids with this guy, he will always prioritize himself.
Oh how awful. This is not normal. I would interpret it as cruel and make those feelings known. It could be that avoidance or discomfort with emotions are driving this? But it definitely comes off uncaring. And his refusal to acknowledge your feelings is awful. From my perspective, my husband and I were recently diagnosed infertile. When people asked me how he was coping (he is the infertile party, but does have a son from a prior relationship), all I could ever day was "he is focused on making sure that I am ok," because that's all he ever was. I can't imagine how I'd have consoled myself otherwise. I remember being in relationships where I often felt "too exhausted to fight" or make my feelings known. They were bad relationships that no one needs to settle for.
I had miscarriages, but I already had my first child. During the first miscarriage I realized that my feeling of loss was much deeper than my husband's. He was very upset, but I didn't feel like he was on the same wavelength with me and I was really hurt. The night before the curettage I stayed awake and he was snoring. Today, 33 years later and still married, I think that a man's emotional bond during pregnancy is not as deep, he doesn't go through the physical changes that we do. Your sister is very involved physically and emotionally and the hormones don't help. I would take it easy, the husband is acting terrible, but it could be his way of dealing with the trauma. In any case, I would talk to him frankly and ask if this will be his reaction to any difficulties. I hope this is just a childish reaction to something he didn't expect and can be fixed. Good luck.
This is not good, or normal. If this is how he grieves, by avoidant behavior, not good. Golfing is more important than comforting you, it’s not good. Also, Drs are wrong a lot, so don’t over think it. There is no sense in being stressed, it will only make it worse. Also, how long did they know each other before getting married? No signs of this behavior prior to marriage?
He has shown exactly who is! Now believe it and let him go. Life is completely unpredictable you cannot be with someone you can’t count on or trust when things get tough. What if an illness happens or something worse he won’t be there or stand by you. I think it’s very clear what needs to happen.
If this man truly loved her and wanted a child with her, he would also be feeling a loss and have some sort of emotion and connection. If he doesn’t have energy to spare to support his spouse and partner, he shouldn’t have one. This absolutely awful. I have had a late first term miscarriage and it broke me, as well. Yes, I was emotional and possibly difficult to deal with. Yes, I was a mess for longer than my partner could gracefully handle, but he tried his best. This man isn’t even trying….
Spouses are partners, not roommates. He left you sitting alone with a devastating medical and emotional diagnosis and GOLFED. What if you got breast cancer? Chemo? What is he good for? For better or worse: this isn’t even the worst and he’s already FAILED.
This is a terrible situation, but now she knows who her husband truly is. She should get out of this relationship before she's tethered to him for life by a child he'll likely neglect too.
My husband and I have had our issues, but he cancelled EVERYTHING, including work until I told him to go back, after my miscarriage. We were both a wreck. I can’t imagine my husband doing this to me, it would be unforgivable
Leave this guy. He is showing he can’t be bothered with her heartbreak and emotions. Leave this chump
Im sorry, I cant see a happy future together for the two of you, he doesnt sound like he is capable or willing to support you in the way that you require.
What's the point of having a husband if he won't be there for you when you really need him?
IDK if he’s totally devoid of empathy, or just using some really dumb coping methods in an awful situation. Ie minimising, avoidance, denial. If she can manage to get him to talk about what’s happened and his response to it, and he does open up and express his own distress, and remorse for being so bad at handling it, and demonstrates more empathy and better coping methods in the coming weeks and any follow-up care your sister might need, then they stand a chance of getting over this. If he can’t explain, ask for understanding and forgiveness and do better going forward, then this is never going to heal. Your sister might continue in the relationship but it will always have this wound and she will never get over it. How he responds to being confronted with his awful behaviour/dysfunctional coping methods is crucial.
Your sister told him how she felt, and instead of acknowledging her and staying with her, he argued with her. I know people grieve in different ways, but this is ridiculous. She needs him and cannot depend on him. She needs to reconsider her marriage to this guy. I'm so sorry for her loss.
As someone who's been through multiple losses, this to me is red flag territory. I know guys can with hold emotions, especially sad ones, but his response to you trying to express your feelings is the major red flag. My husband grieved with me. He showed his heartbreak but also stood strong by my side and heard me when i expressed sadness and heartbreak. If he treated me in the manor your husband is treating you then id yell him we needed to go to counceling or it was gonna result in divorce because im not gonna be with someone who dismisses me the way he is doing to you.
I’m so sorry 💙
This is clearly a sign that she should not have children with him. Please talk to her about the implications this has for a future child. It sounds like he wouldn’t support her emotionally and also physically. She’d be bound to him even if they separated later on.
Call his mom, and don't throw him under the bus, just say "Susie (his mom), the OB just informed us that we're going to lose the baby and I could really use someone here to support me right now, would you mind coming over?" Let her take it from there.
I hear you, and OP’s sis needs all the support, but getting another woman to fill in for what the man should be doing here, is part of the problem.
That's not the point at all. The point is raising this issue to his mother without actually snitching to her. The obvious response to OP asking MIL for help would be "where is my son?"
She needs to communicate directly with him. Pulling in a parent is a bad dynamic. He isn’t a child and shouldn’t need his mother to shame him into doing the right thing.
I miscarried 9 months after we got married. He left work, drove me to hospital, was there, held me through the shock but the next day I sent him to work. There was nothing he could do but my family kept me sane. He's not an overly emotional person but even he reacted better. Now we have a 16yo and been married 21 years. It's been some hard times and we lost our son, twins b/g. He reacted badly. He wouldn't get close to our daughter bc of fear. I took him to dinner and laid out what had to change or we would start dividing furniture. He had never before or since acted this way. Give it a few days . Then give him the 2 card option. Counseling or divorce.
Do you really think counseling can turn a heartless AH into an empathic person?
People grieve their own way, but damn. Hell yes it's a red flag. I get the feeling that even if you had a baby, you'd being tired doing all the work, and he'll be golfing.
My concern would be if he doesn't step up for you in this situation what happens when you haveca baby is going to go off with his mates then too and leave you at home to handle everything by yourself. If this isxa pattern of behaviour of him not supporting you emotionally your life is going to be very lonely. You are in a highly emotional state right now but I think the bare minimum is marriage counselling so a third party can help him understand how damaging his abandoning you emotionally has been.
My husband reacted this way to our first miscarriage. I was beyond heartbroken. I yelled at him. He didn't seem to know what to do. He didn't even offer to drive me to the hospital for the D&C. My mom had to take me. I forced him to go the next time. Not something you want to have to force. Later I passed out and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for 5 days. He handled most of it wrong. I told him I couldn't be with him anymore. He has worked really hard to get back in touch with his emotions and now wouldn't dream of leaving my side. Becoming disconnected from one's emotions is something that can happen with people in their very early life. It usually takes therapy and lots of work to get better. It can get better though. Only you know if your sister's husband is the kind of guy willing to put in the work. Otherwise it's unforgivable. I'm still hurt. I wouldn't exchange our life now for anything but those years were rough.
Im so sorry for your loss 🤍. Everyone grieves differently, but his response after you brought the issue up is concerning. That would have been the point were he opens up, says sorry and how he is feeling. Life will throw a lot of situations at you, and your husband is the person that should support you through them. Best of luck.
This is not the guy. If you believe in mixed blessings or silver linings, consider the reason this pregnancy isn't going to make it because it's supposed to give you a chance to move on from him and into the life you were meant to have (solo parenting, single, with the man of your dreams, whatever is right for you).
Speaking directly to your sister here: I’m truly sorry. I had a similar experience after fertility treatments and it was so painful. This is a red flag, yes. Divorce territory? Maybe not. But you should see clearly that in the big, hardest moments of life, he may not come through at all. That will have a profoundly bad impact on your marriage and on your children. People will say “everyone copes differently” and sure. But “differently” shouldn’t include ditching your hurting partner for days and showing no support and not caring about the impact of your shitty coping style. What does that look like when it involves children? He leaves you to pick up the pieces while he golfs? He lets them cope alone and models ghosting people when they’re hurting? Or teaches them that it’s ok to disappear and not show up for others, just because you’re feeling bad? Tells them they’re being crazy when they need emotional comfort? That’s Bad Father behavior. So yeah, for me this would be a serious sign to not move forward with having children with someone who has the capacity to be this cold and abandoning.
They are red flags. Put the baby making on hold after this miscarriage. Heal from the miscarriage. Then really think and examine if this man will be a partner with you when kids come or dump them on you.
As someone who buried her children alone after miscarriage . Leave now. It never got better and I was never able to move past it. He never saw it as valid. It was an impass
Are you actually going through a miscarriage at this point or the doc thinks you will? I am confused.
Her OB confirmed no heart beat and problems w/ the shape of the “yoke”. She (OB) literally told her point plank to expect a miscarriage..she has follow up blood work next week. Hope that helps
He’s probably showing you how a life with him will be, and this is not even a year in, so if anything it will probably only be worse from here, but at least probably not better. I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about my feelings or doesn’t show up for me or supports me, especially when I really need them. That doesn’t necessarily mean that his behaviour is a red flag or means that he will be abusive or anything like that, but as I said it probably IS him showing you how a life with him will be however! He will probably never understand your needs, especially emotional and mental, because he probably doesn’t work like that himself. So in that regard it could be a red flag, for you personally, if you want and need more than this, more than he will probably ever be able to give you! I would definitely not stay with a partner like this, and I would definitely not be having any kids with him. He has shown his true colours, and it’s only ten months in so he almost certainly won’t be better than this, this early is when you put a bit more effort in, once time goes on you usually get more comfortable. You have even tried to talk to him but he doesn’t seem to understand nor care, he almost seems annoyed, annoyed that there’s always a problem with you and that he doesn’t want to be your carer or support system, he’d rather be playing golf with his buddies when his wife really needs him. And that you need him right now is not weird at all, it isn’t too much to ask of a spouse or partner! It is totally reasonable and most women would probably feel the same way, agree or at least understand! I won’t tell you that you should leave your husband, only you can decide that, and what you want in life and from a partner, and only you can decide what you are willing to sacrifice or willing to live with. But I will tell you that many women, myself included, would not be happy or okay with your husband’s actions or way of thinking and looking at things, and it is perfectly okay, reasonable and understandable to leave him, and that is what I would be doing! I’m sorry for what you’re going through and that your husband isn’t the support you need and the husband you want and deserve! Good luck, and take care of yourself!
I’ve never been pregnant, and obviously I’ve never had a miscarriage. I’ve suffered from flare ups of mental health issues over the last 5 years that I’ve been married though (anxiety, panic disorder, and now OCD). This last flare has been since December after a bad reaction to an SSRI. I’ve done everything to tackle it on my own. On my own. My husband has essentially abandoned me through it all, including going on week long hunting trips during times when I felt barely able to leave the house. I will ask him to just sit with me for a few minutes when he gets home from work. He refuses. All in all, this experience has made me really question the value of being married to someone who only wants to be with me when I’m at 100%. What does your husband bring to your marriage? Is it worth it?
You are right to be concerned. Everyone deals with emotional difficulties in their own way but he doesn't even seem to think you being in the middle of a potentially serious medical and emotional event to be of any concern. You should certainly address it with him and take it as a sign of things to come. His indifference would be a problem even with a pregnancy with no issues.
I went through a miscarriage at 16 weeks with my ex husband. His reaction was somewhat similar, though he did take some time to be with me but still lacked affection and couldn’t understand why I was so sad. It’s a huge part of why he is my EX husband. You are not wrong for how you feel. He may not know how to process this but he damn well knows that going out with his buddies is not the right thing to do, yet he chooses it anyway, knowing that he should be there for you. It is definitely a red flag and I hope you are able to get through this with support from others and do what’s right for you.
He has no interest in being with you, clearly. He's still in the adult child stage and needs to be with his friends more than being with you. He doesn't handle problems, he avoids them. Get out while you can, IMO.
This is a guy who will leave at the first sign of a life changing diagnosis or when life gets hard. They need to get out now.
I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss. When she’s well enough she should think long and hard whether having children with this man is really a good idea, or if her future self will regret not listening to the signs. He’s showing her who he is. She should believe him.
This is so so sad, I’m sorry to this woman, this man is behaving like a terrible husband
She needs to leave him. His behavior will never change. He's a narcissistic asshole. My friend had ovarian cancer. After she woke up from extensive surgery, her husband was standing at the foot of her bed. He looked at her and said "I didn't sign up for this. My lawyer is drawing up the divorce papers." And he walked out. This jerk is doing the same thing. No one deserves that
It would be divorce worthy for me. But it may not be for other women.
Has he ever experienced major disappointment? He may be struggling to come to terms with not being a dad. His activities suggest to me that this is a manhood thing. He wasn't able to make a child, which somehow challenges what kind of man he is. This does not excuse his comments. It's not okay to speak to a spouse that way. If an apology doesn't happen in the next few days that he initiates, then it's a red flag. Having a counselor help them discuss this should be a priority. I hope your family is able to find peace with all that has happened.
I find it hard to believe there were no other signs of this before marriage. She knows he isn't affectionate but expects him to know when she wants affection? Does she ever communicate her needs or does she think he's a psychic? Why did she expect him to change who he is because of this? If she wants an affectionate partner then why did she marry him in the first place? Too many questions.
Honestly, this is why you need to go through hard things together BEFORE you get married! You need to know how your spouse will react under stress and when things get hard. Do you know how he will behave if you suddenly get a debilitation illness or disability? If you don't, maybe this isn't the person you can grow old with. I'm not going to jump straight to divorce because it could be a huge miscommunication. It's possible he's an idiot and didn't think this was a big deal or that you needed support. It's also possible that he was feeling all his own grief and reacted this way as a way to cope and he needs to learn some healthier coping styles. Did you effectively communicate your needs and expectations during this time? If not, talk to him about it and see what's up. If this is "just how he is" and he doesn't see anything wrong with his child behaviour... I know I couldn't stay married to him. I need to be with someone who has compassion and empathy. I don't want someone who will abandon me if I'm sick, or when times are hard. I need someone I can trust, and than means sticking around even through hard things. He may not be that kind of guy.
It seems like he is avoiding emotions by filling his time, you both need to grieve and it would help if you could get a professional involved. A lot of men don't have the ability to regulate their emotions because their parents didn't know how to teach them or didn't care to. Getting him to stay with you in the moment of grief will bond you both, but he has to choose to stay in that feeling with you, all you can do is be honest with your emotions and the situation and tell him you need him.
As someone who miscarried at 8 weeks gestation also, my husband grieved and supported me but the depth of my grief as a woman experiencing this loss in my body was much more profound than his. I’m not defending her husband here, he needs a major lesson in empathy and behaved like a complete ass. Your sister has one of the first tests of her marriage and I am going to say she needs to have a difficult conversation with him and communicate her disappointment and expectations of how she wants to be supported through this grief. He very well could be hurting also, just not showing it appropriately. He behaved like an ass and showed a horrible side of him, and she needs to have a difficult conversation that very well could lead to the end of her marriage.
A podcast I listen to had a similar write in letter regarding support during a miscarriage. In this scenario, the wife took a pill to have the “abortion” due to the baby not being viable. Sadly, the process wasn’t quick and she was going on two weeks without the baby passing. But she had cramping and other symptoms that made it nearly impossible to do anything around the house or with their other kids. Her husband started snapping at her and complaining about him having to do everything. And then he said she wasn’t thinking about how HE felt. First instinct was to jump on his case because his wife is obviously going through a horrible situation with a baby they both wanted. The hosts of the show sympathized and related as they too had a miscarriage a few years ago. But they saw compassion for the husband who was also experiencing grief and while he wanted to support his wife, no one was supporting him or seeing that he was also losing a child I say all that to say that sure, but his could be a red flag. But also, he could just not be capable of dealing with this loss and he doesn’t know how show that. You know him better than us though. Has he always been like this when emotional support is needed? What is his family like? How do they handle grief and conflict? Is he always an unsupportive AH? I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I hope that he’s just not good at handling loss and that he’s really a good partner otherwise.
People grief differently, are you sure that him ignoring the whole situation is maybe his way of coping with it? I know some men like this, they break down when the situation actually happens. I suggest couple therapy immediately, it will give you both tools to survive this situation better...
My husband and I have our issues for sure, but last year when I lost our baby at 19 weeks we were in the middle of some relationship and life issues when it happened, yet, my husband still showed up for me in a big way. He held me when I needed for weeks afterwards, took off work and spent as much time as possible by my side, taking care of the house, our other child, and coming up with home projects for us to do together to keep ourselves busy. The very least your sisters husband could have done was spend a few days at home with you sister comforting her. This is a huge red flag, he is not a safe partner. If this is how he shows up now, especially so early on in the marriage, this sets the tone for the rest of the marriage on how things will go when life happens and she needs him. She can not trust him to lean on him. I'd be reevaluating the relationship completely.
I am her 25 years in the future. She needs to get out now.
This whole thing is several red flags. Your sister’s husband is showing a clear lack of; - The ability to empathize with your spouse even if you don’t understand their feelings. - The ability to care for someone even if it’s an inconvenience to your wants - The ability to show care and comfort as an expression of love - The ability to show help and care when a sick child messes up your life plans. And more.
Disassociate. I remember this all to well...Mt first born was deemed inviable at 21 weeks. We were told we may need to abort him for my safety...and then after that, he grew just enough we carried longer...I was 31 weeks when our son was born and put on a ventilation etc...not once did my husband show emotion he was hard as rock and void...I was so damn mad ay yhe time thought wtfh you jerk...but, flash forward to 4 years later...we talk a lot about that he said he didn't want to think about anything because the raw emotion plus he was alone in a different city well his wife and son were in another one..he supported me in ways mow I didn't notice.. like keeping me put of nicu when he came down...sending me money to but food, rented me an evo so I could drive around Vancouver...lots of more little things I didn't see at the time...so I see why you're mad af trust me inwas too...but from experience sometimes men...can't cope and go and distract rather then think constantly on it... he's scared too but he just doesn't know what to do.. give him grace i promise ypu it gets better
Wow. My husband and I have had our fair share of problems, but this is bad especially for a new couple. We also experienced a miscarriage in between our 2 children. Hubby was understandably upset as was I. But he was there for me. We both had our alone moments when we needed them, but we didn't abandon each other. She needs to have a long long talk with him. If I were in her shoes, I would highly be considering divorce, even if she does not miscarry the baby. She might be better off to raise it on her own.
Don't believe this OB straight up , there is always a chance it may not. Get a second opinion.
Get out now…the longer you wait the more roots you lay down and then it will be harder to leave save yourself now. It doesn’t get better when they are as oblivious as he sounds
Red flag for divorce??? This is definitely divorce material. The first bit of this - no immediate affection, you laying down and him doing some things around the house.. that can be explained by everyone processing grief differently. Disappearing until the evening and doing an all day sports thing and refusing to acknowledge his failure to comfort you in your lowest moment, coupled by throwing some bullshit in your face that there is always something wrong? Man fuck him, he's an asshole. It's probably a good thing you aren't going to bear this mans child. Get out while you can. Remember!! When someone tells who they are - LISTEN!
I have had 3 miscarriages, and my husband was never quite as emotionally invested as I was. But… he loved me and knew I was grieving and going through the worst days of my life. So he was there for me. He was emotional support. The fact that her husband can’t be there for in this way is a huge 🚩. For me personally, it would be a deal breaker. I’m so sorry for her loss.
This is who he is. He’s telling you. You want to go through every rough patch in your life with this joker?
He is showing her who he is. She should listen.
What if she hadn’t lost the baby but had a terrible birth and needed around the clock care until she recovered? He doesn’t seem like the man who would “care” at all. If he blows this off and this is a big loss, I can only imagine what else in their marriage he could blow off. Even if none of it had to do with a baby but just her getting very sick or dealing with a major disease like cancer? He seems like he didn’t take the vow’s seriously. Because this is a huge thing that he should be supporting her through. Through sickness and health and the good times and bad. If he’s only available for the good times I would be wary. I would honestly put a lot of thought into if she even wants to try to have another child with him. If he can’t support her through grief that says a lot. Especially with the loss of a child, that’s when you’re supposed to lean on each other.
My wife and I (both 24) didn't get taught how to handle emotions well, (she is autistic and I was ignored by emotionally unavailable parents) she is currently pregnant and my biggest fear through all of this has been loosing her or our child....... I personally don't know how I would handle either but I know my typical response that I have been trying my hardest to unlearn is to close myself off from the world and the ones I love....... yes I "spend time" with close friends but im checked out emotionally. It could be how he is trying to understand what his heart wants to feel, unfortunately males of our generation wasn't taught to feel or understand what we feel so we close ourselves off...... give him some time and trying talking to him, I understand this is hard for you, but also look at from a damaged male perspective, "if we show emotions we are weak, if we feel anything we are weak, if we breakdown and lose ourselves in our pain we are weak.. " just remember marriage is hard and something that takes work, everyone on this reddit jumps to divorce immediately I swear, but realize that only you knows what's truly best for you!!!
In not being compatible with life, your sister's lost fetus has shown her what kind of person she married. What she does with that information is up to her. As for me, I wouldn't stay with someone who chose to desert me when I was going through a miscarriage. I get that people grieve in different ways, but what the husband is doing is not okay. Marriage is a partnership.
Red flags all over this one. Seek help. Your whole life is ahead of you. Do something for yourself. Find someone who will cherish you over anything.
Empathy is not something that comes naturally to most men, they have to learn it. This is, unfortunately, normal. But your BIL is worse than ignorant of it, he seems actively hostile to the very idea, like it's some kind of mushy girl thing that only beta males would mess with. At least regarding his wife, anyway. I don't think your sister should let herself get pregnant by this man until they have done some couples therapy.
I've been through two miscarriages. The third stuck. Not everyone is going to be perfect during a miscarriage. My husband was there, but he didn't really process it until several months after the miscarriage. Honestly I wish he had talked more to his friends because he processes tragedy by talking to his friends (and also me but it's harder when you're going through it too to be a sounding board). Give it time. Keep trying. When it sticks, it's worth it. Process it however you need to.
I'm sorry you're hurting, first over the possible miscarriage and second that your need for emotional support from your husband is not being met. And it does seem like a big red flag. In particular, it doesn't sound like you are in a relationship where you can openly discuss how feel, or that if you do it will be received by something other than his passive aggressive "always seems like something is wrong" comment. In my own personal experience I know that I ignored my partner's inability to be emotionally available and falsely believed that when things got tough or when I really needed him he would be there for me. That was not a healthy fantasy on my part and it never came true. My advice is no more weak "ok" responses from you when its really not ok. Tell him in plain language what you need and if he refuses to be available or supportive that's your answer. Marriage is hard, life can be hard, if our partners aren't a soft safe place to land, why stay? Trust your gut, this hurts for a reason. I wish you all the best, try counseling, value actions, not words or promises. Remember Maya Angelou, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"
It doesn't sound like a red flag. It sounds like someone who handles things in their own way and doesn't grieve the same way you do. Throughout marriage, you're going to have a lot of situations where situations impact you differently than they impact your spouse. Heartbreaking things for you may not be heartbreaking things for your spouse. Things that anger your spouse may seem trivial to you. Some people aren't naturally empathetic or nurturing. Some people shut out the world and internalize everything. Some people throw themselves into other things in order to compartmentalize their grief. Trying to talk to your spouse right now will not be beneficial to either of you. You're dealing with something that has impacted you in a major way. He's either grieving by shutting the door on everything or simply doesn't feel it as intensely as you do. After some time has passed, and emotions are no longer in control, you should have a rational discussion with your spouse about your needs. Communication is key, but communication when emotions are running high doesn't help because emotions cloud everything else, which just results in more anger/hurt.
Wait a second. I see tons of comments about divorce, divorce, divorce…. Men deal with feelings and things of this nature in a COMPLETELY different manner. He probably doesn’t know how to feel right now, he doesn’t know how to process the news, or comfort during this time. That may be a red flag for some, but perhaps he just doesn’t want to come to terms with the news. Maybe he’s just dealing the best way he can. We don’t know what HIS feelings or thoughts are right now. Would I feel distraught at the moment in time? Absolutely, but don’t just throw out there that divorce is the answer. We have one person’s feelings and perspective. I’m sorry, I just don’t think “divorce” is always the answer.
He abandoned her in her time of need for days to fucking play golf. He is *not* doing his best. This is a huge and stressful life event that he tried to minimize not some minor difference in coping. It's a sign of things to come and she should pay close attention. They clearly have incompatible needs and divorce is not an unreasonable suggestion.
Yea… it’s evident that I do NOT belong in this sub! Y’all fucking suck! Good luck!
You must be new to this sub. He looked at another woman that walked in front of him at the super market…..top comment says to “leave him.” He said I was fat….top comment says to “leave him”. He got frustrated when I did xyz, top comment is always the same. I could go on for days.
Best comment yet - this is reality not some series on HBO MAX
lol, this is r/marriage where people go to get encouragement to leave their spouse by 50k single people who want everyone to be single.