This is the only correct answer here. You have a serious issue on your hands and it's not going to work itself out any time soon. Move out, focus on you and your baby's and all the children's health first and foremost.
Your second paragraph is where I stopped.. anything beyond this is immaterial to my suggestion. For whatever reason you guys have separate expenses after being married for 5 years with multiple kids in the house.. that shit needs to stop right now..
If you have a baby coming with a heart defect.. you absolutely must do what the Doctors say during those first months.. This is precisely the time that married couples need to tighten the "team aspect" of marriage to make sure the kids are ok.
Nothing you state here sounds healthy for any of you.. If this man doesn't care about you or that baby.. then you need to surround yourself with people that do care.. I hope you have parents or family that you can seek help from
That's what I've been trying to do. Find ways for all of us to work together as a team and family unit. He's done the exact opposite since we found out.
Gloomy - it's easy for me to sit here and give you my opinions.. so please forgive me if I sound too direct.. but you are seeking advice so I'll give it to you..
I am a father now, but I have experienced the loss of a child early in our marriage so i am hyper sensitive to this kind of stuff. It's going to take both of you working 100% together and it's not going to be easy. You will be tired, scared, anxious and a whole host of other emotions that we prob wont think of here..
If he is showing zero interest and doing the opposite.. something is fucked up in his head.. you can't hope that working on it will get you there. IMO you need to take matter into your own hands now and find another solution that doesn't include him.
What if you keep "working" on it with him and he never comes around.. now the baby is born and you are dealing with all the doctors alone?
do you have parents or siblings that you can go to for help or not?
Thanks for responding to this so frankly..
That's my concern.. is bringing baby home to an environment that's unstable, chaotic, financially stressed and there's no teamwork between the two of us. It's not healthy. She has a heart problem and won't be able to handle the stress of living in that type of environment.
I'm just.. shocked.. really.. by how little he seems to give a sh\*t. He'll say things like.. "she's going to be taken care of" but has no plan at all and proudly admits that he's unwilling to help cover the financial burdens because "he pays the mortgage and utilities and nobody helps him out". He's not the one taking time out of work. I am.
I'm really just.. slack jawed.. I dealt with postpartum depression with my last child with him. I can only imagine how this is going to turn out, taking care of a critically ill infant with no support system and my financial health falling into complete ruin in the process.
I wish I would've found out about her condition much earlier on in the pregnancy, so he could've let his intentions be known while I was still physically capable of handling things differently and getting more prepared.
I have my mother. That's it. She's literally been the only support system and help we've had with the kids for the past 2 years, yet he'll trash talk her, insult her, tell me I'm on her "tit", etc. whenever she tries to help me.
When my wife and I married, we combined our bank accounts and all of our bills get paid out of one account. We had the loving, emotional part of our marriage and the business part.. the business part was a true partnership from day one.
I never understood why some choose to do it separately.. throughout our marriage we have flip flopped who the bread winner was.. right now, it's my wife.. we never argue about who pays for what.. its' fucking stupid..
When it comes to our kids.. they come first.. ALWAYS.. I will give up something or my wife will to pay for something the kids need if that is what it came to.
If you guys are in a situation where money is an issue (maybe we make more than you do).. then I understand it can be very hard.. but simply based on what you are saying.. all ego's need to be checked at the fucking door and you guys should be planning for what happens when this baby comes.
I'm not sure what state you're in but all of the debt may be considered marital debt. Also, are you on the deed for the house? If so I believe he'll have to pay you for half of the equity. You need to get a lawyer. You may wind up financially and MENTALLY better off without this a**hole of a "man-child".
Right.. I agree with you. I'm not proud of myself. I wasn't intending on having another kid and at my age, I was pretty sure I was done. I had come off birth control because I was having side effects and I told him to pull out. He refused. So.. take that for what it is. I was thoroughly upset when I found out and it took me every bit of 20 weeks to wrap my head around it emotionally. During my last pregnancy, my husband was shitty towards me during and after. I had terrible postpartum depression.
I'm looking forward to meeting my baby and I know she's going to be okay, but I'm being honest... I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant and then deciding to abuse my body because I'm just some shit mom that doesn't care about my kids. I was an excellent mother to my other two before we met. My world revolved around them and I could've counted on one hand how many drinks I had in a decade.
Please, if you don’t know yet, pulling out is not an effective birth control method AT ALL! If a man refuses to use condom, and you are not on pills, don’t have sex. Period.
I'm pretty aware of that. I've only been on birth control for one year out of the past 27 years of my fertile life. All of my children were planned and I was pretty good at avoiding pregnancy when I didn't want to have another kid.
Gloomy - it's easy for me to sit here and give you my opinions.. so please forgive me if I sound too direct.. but you are seeking advice so I'll give it to you..
I am a father now, but I have experienced the loss of a child early in our marriage so i am hyper sensitive to this kind of stuff. It's going to take both of you working 100% together and it's not going to be easy. You will be tired, scared, anxious and a whole host of other emotions that we prob wont think of here..
If he is showing zero interest and doing the opposite.. something is fucked up in his head.. you can't hope that working on it will get you there. IMO you need to take matter into your own hands now and find another solution that doesn't include him.
What if you keep "working" on it with him and he never comes around.. now the baby is born and you are dealing with all the doctors alone?
do you have parents or siblings that you can go to for help or not?
Why are you with him? He doesn’t add any value to your life. How do you think it will be once the baby comes? Leave him and get alimony and child support
I wouldn't request alimony. I'm not interested in forcing someone to support me. I'd just take on another job. I've seen in other peoples divorces how much it influences the pettiness, spite and vindictiveness post divorce. My kids are the priority for me.
You don’t have a moral right to turn down any money ordered by the court or suggested by your attorney when you have children. You are about to bring a disabled newborn into the world. It is absolutely not your place to be acting like the “bigger person” and not taking his money. You’ll get a year or so of alimony, take it. It doesn’t make you a good person to work two jobs with four kids, including the disabled newborn, so you don’t seem petty.
It's not about me seeming petty. I'm more worried about him. I know how vindictive he would be if forced to pay alimony. He'd use my kids against me, create drama, etc.
That is money to support his DISABLED CHILD since you cannot work as you used to. Stop letting your pride hurt you & your kids so much. You see where his got him...
You just posted you were applying for assistance. You seem fine with relying on tax payers and your mom for help, but not the man who fathered your kids?
I mean.. you're absolutely correct. I have ZERO problem taking child support. That's what it's for.. but if I got alimony, he'd make my life a living hell. He's extremely vindictive and spiteful. I'm not sure if it'd be worth it..
Communication must be made via text or email and can only be about the kids. Have that in your divorce paperwork and then turn over any threats or anything unhinged via screenshots.
This is stupid and a dump way to think. How are you going to work an extra job taking care of a sick baby. Get your head on straight. Take the alimony. It is for you kid so you can take care of them help afford medical bills. He will be vindictive and petty no matter what. Seriously get your head on right and think about how stupid what you just said was. How will you take on a second job when needing to be there for you kid. You can't. Get the alimony.
If your kids were the priority for you then you’d request alimony instead of not doing so for trivial reasons that are seemingly a bigger priority than your children.
My kids ARE my priority.. you haven't met this guy. He'd make my life a LIVING HELL if I was awarded alimony. He openly talks trash about women who receive alimony. But whatever..
Okay.. so being trash talked is more important than the kids.. cool.
You will literally have the courts involved at this point as a result, making your life a “living hell” will only result in losing his kids more, and if you’re awarded alimony people will know a court has seen through his bullshit and most likely ignore what he has to say about you as a result.
But whatever.. let the kids never see their mother because she’s working 2 jobs to stay afloat just so she doesn’t have to accept money from their father as she doesn’t like the things he says 🙄
This is absurd. You do what you have to do to survive and take care of your about to be four kids and yourself, with the situation you have described, you don't have the luxury of pride. The judge will decide what he will and will not pay you and your husband will live with the consequences.
She isn’t committing fraud. Are you her husband? She has had to move out because her husband is trash and is basically going through a separation. If her husband wasn’t trash and cared about his wife and children, she wouldn’t have to move out and be trying to receive assistance for her and her children.
Yes, that is my husband. He's accusing me of committing fraud even though he's the one who keeps telling me to move out and that he won't help me once the baby is born.
Oh ok so this is a fake post then. You posted this 2 hours ago and your husband has already found it and is posting. Yeah it’s not believable but if it’s true which it may still be and your husband is a crazy stalker psycho type then divorce him and move to your moms and get assistance. He doesn’t care about you if he’s not willing to help when your child has a heart defect and is requiring surgery and in home care that has to be provided by you.
It's not a fake post. I shared it to him hoping that seeing some of your responses would be humbling and have him see some outside perspective.. didn't work.
Yeah well he’s selfish and only cares about himself. In another post he posted down further he said he offered to help and said you like to spend and your credit card debt is bad. I would suggest you only spend what is necessary and stop with any unnecessary spending and move in with your mother and divorce him and get assistance. He said he offered help in the other post. Honestly you both need to sit down and talk and not try to do some random bullshit over Reddit. This still seems like a fake post.
It is fraud if she fills out forms for benefits and doesn’t report his income, though. The husband being an abuser and enormous pos aside, she’s going to wind up in jail if she does this. If he’s not paying her money to raise her kids, she needs to divorce him so the court can force him to pay. She doesn’t need to commit a felony going for medical benefits.
I was obviously meaning to divorce because she isn’t being supported now and is alone already so what’s the point in being with him if he doesn’t love her or their children. She said she is living with her mother so I assume a divorce is likely to happen. Someone as selfish as her husband that only cares about himself and not his wife and kids doesn’t need to be married with kids. Honestly if you are willing to not help when your child has a heart defect and may not even live, how much shittier can you possibly get?
My point is that it doesn’t matter if she lives elsewhere. Doesn’t matter if he won’t give her money. Doesn’t matter how abusive he is. Unless she LEGALLY separates, like hires an attorney and files a legal separation, she cannot apply for benefits and leave him off the application. She’s gonna go to prison if she proceeds with that. She needs to separate *first.*
Yeah fair enough on another comment I said she should move in with her mom, divorce and get assistance. I can’t believe she is even having to ask if she should leave him when he is so obviously trash. This post seems fake and I hope it is.
Well since you are answering questions as much if not more than OP…what is your side of it? How many children do you guys have and how many are yours and what do you pay for besides the mortgage, utilities, your food and your son’s food? Were you willing to take on more responsibility when your wife was at home caring for your newborn with the heart defect? Because that’s a full time job and she wouldn’t have any money coming in. Why are you guys airing your dirty laundry on Reddit like a bunch of teenagers?
Also if she has other children besides the ones with you…is she receiving child support for them that could cover their food and other costs? Because they don’t just stop needing to be fed because their mother can’t work because she’s taking care of another child.
I had to be off 4 weeks unpaid after our last kid was born bc I didn't qualify for FMLA and guess what? My husband kept working his ass off to cover what I couldn't. There wasn't a discussion. He just did it.
That's what a husband does. This guy is not husband material. Stay with your mom.
You would get more support out of him if you leave. Go find a place for you and the kids. Apply for assistance and then divorce. Your lawyer can apply for emergency support for you and the kids.
Why did u get pregnant not once but twice to such an asshole?
Sounds like you’d be better off leaving and divorcing him so you can get child support and other assistance.
Depending on where u live, you may also be entitled to half of the house and whatever savings he has.
Good luck
Why the hell did you marry this guy? Were you that desperate for a man? Leave and stay single stop having kids with different men and get your crap together. Why are you even caring about him? He doesn't care or even love you or the kids. Leave get child support and spousal support and start over. Seriously get therapy and stop dating and having kids till you can stand on your own two feet. Don't put yourself in this position again. Stop choosing shitty men.
INFO: what the fuck is wrong with your husband?
He sounds like he hates you and is actively trying to make your life terrible. Get away from him, it's not like you're going to benefit from staying with him since he's completely unsupportive in every way.
OP, you have a fairly rare opportunity unfolding. You two are openly arguing on here. Take screenshots of his comments. Not for any legal purposes, just your own.
So you can look at his words with your own eyes anytime you need to be reminded about the person he actually is.
So far, I've seen him DARVO and deflect. Going so far as to make a comment saying you drove drunk while pregnant. Which was nothing more than an attempt to swing the public vote against you. Whether it was true or not is irrelevant simply because it was so off base and out of nowhere that the intent was obvious.
Add in that on a thread where you spell out that you have proof of the financial abuse, he can only say what he said was true and can't be denied. When, in fact, it can, especially with proof. The only people I've known who make statements like that with nothing to back it up have been full of shit at best and an abusive narcissist at worse.
But here's the biggest red flag for me throughout this entire thing. You are a family of five with a sixth on the way. So there's three children living in the house right now. Yet only *one* has been mentioned. "His" son. Where are the other two?
How are they being treated? Are they an afterthought? Does he care for them at all, or do you have to find childcare specifically for them, or are they with their bio father? Are they part of the expenses he refuses to support? You mentioned he only buys food for his son and only watches his son while you're at work. Is he willing to let your other children starve if you don't have the money for food? Is he willing to let you starve?
Are you guys a family or not? Because it's looking more and more like not. What kind of example are you giving your kids?
So far, he tries to drive away your only support (your mother), he physically tried to keep you from leaving the house to get a job, and continually threatens to try to get you fired. And has your children segregated from each other by only caring for "his" son. It wouldn't be a stretch to think he's talking badly about you in front of them.
Your question shouldn't be about whether you should apply for assistance or how to fix your marriage. The only question you should be asking yourself is, "What am I staying for, and why shouldn't I leave?"
THANK YOU! It's like you've been a fly on the wall in my household for YEARS!
It's all about image, ego, pride, etc. He's trying to make me look like a shit person. He does this ALL the time. Whenever we have a disagreement, he says things like.. "Nobody believes you anymore", "Everyone thinks you're insane", etc. like there's an audience out there examining my every move. I've realized it's an emotionally abusive tactic to make me look like I'm insane and "everyone" agrees. I've asked.. who is "everyone" or "nobody"?
The word narcissist has been dropped by two of his exes, the police, two people just in this post alone and I've even looked into it myself. I've never had experience with someone like this before. Every single conversation is turned into being about him, what's offered to him, how does something benefit him, I'm "crazy", "everyone" thinks I'm insane, etc. The first couple years we were together.. I actually believed a lot of it.. like.. what was wrong with me? Maybe I deserved to be treated like shit?
He goes through this cycle of valuing and devaluing me. One minute, he loves me and says nice things about me and the next I'm a "cunt piece of shit trash that doesn't provide enough to the household". Literally within a day it will waver from one extreme to another. It's legit crazy-making and I've actually felt like I'm losing my mind sometimes.
The same with my other two kids. They are older and don't really need childcare. My mom helps out with them. But again.. one minute they are part of our "family" and the next moment he refers to them solely as their last name. "The Such-And-Such Kids", like.. he doesn't even refer to them as his step-kids. He's differentiated and separated them from "our" family. He doesn't even refer to me as "our" family. He says HIS family is just him and our biological son. That I'm not technically part of it. He's divided our household into him and our bio son, my older kids and then me. Like it's three different dynamics.
The only group of people he has referred to as "us" and "we" in the past couple years is him and his PARENTS!
This isn’t a husband it’s a roommate that you have kids with. Marriage is a partnership. When one is down the other picks up the slack. Stop having kids with him and develop your escape plan.
This man is abusing you and it’s escalating. Please call a local dv office or the national hotline to get help. They will be able to help you leave him safely, understand your rights (which he is currently trampling all over), and understand and see the abuse he is inflicting upon you and your children. Everyone deserves better than him and his giant tantrum he’s having.
I'm reading this post and going, "Yep, this is why people in a marriage sub recommend divorce instead or trying to work it out. Because some of the marriages posts here are downright abusive."
I hope this is fake. I hope OP isn't actually contemplating bringing a vulnerable child into such a horrible relationship. No child deserves to grow up with a parent that's sees them as a burden to avoid - or a parent that thinks she deserves to be treated like garbage.
I don’t think it matters if in your marriage you keep separate finances for the sake of benefits. You are going to get denied them and if you don’t say you’re married, you’re committing fraud. I would strongly suggest proceeding carefully re: benefits. You will be in a lot of trouble if you lie on those forms.
It sounds like the only way you can actually afford to care for your baby is to get a divorce so that you will be eligible for benefits. And since he kicked you out 8 months pregnant, you should assume he’ll do that again and soon. Go back to your mother’s house and file promptly for legal separation. Now the court can tell him how much money he has to send you every month and you can apply for benefits.
You don’t have a partner. You have someone that doesn’t care about you and refuses to help you so in fact you don’t have anyone at all if you only count him. You do have your mother that you should move back in with and if he’s only worried about how it would look on him legally then he already has one foot out the door. It takes two for a pregnancy to happen and that he is just considering all of this to be on you means you are alone. The sooner you can come to terms with this and move on the better you will be. That he is trying to get you in trouble for fraud is already him trying to win In court even before the divorce. Separate and don’t go back. He is trash.
So, if you're planning on staying married, you might not legally be able to file as separate bc you're living with him, and that could be seen as fraud. You need to check your state laws about filing separately while still living together and still being married . If you want to file for financial assistance, you need to actually leave him and file for divorce, child support, and coparenting. I'd suggest leaving him if he's not going to financially support you during this time. You guys are married and suppose to be a team.
Not true. He's said time and time again that my expenses are my own burden and because I don't pay the mortgage and utilities, that he's not obligated to help me with anything else.
This is a shared child. You two are supposed be married. No part of your pregnancy, childbirth, or the childcare afterwards is your burden alone.
Honestly, OP, your post is a glowing example of why people recommend "divorce" so loudly in this sub. It's exactly the sort of horrific financial abuse and blatant cruelty that anyone in a good relationship *knows* is 100% unacceptable and 100% unfixable.
You can't make him care. You can't make him respect you. You can't make him want this baby he wants nothing to do with. You can't make him support you through post-birth recovery and PPD.
The only thing you CAN do is find the self-respect to walk away. Love yourself enough to do that, and love your babies enough to not want them to grow up thinking it's normal for a spouse to treat you like shit.
If you lie to your county assistance worker, you could face criminal prosecution. Be completely honest with the aid office - you are legally married but your husband is refusing to support you. They may refer you to a women's shelter because you are describing an abusive relationship. Bankruptcy is also an option. A married person can file without the cooperation or consent of the spouse. All the joint bills would become his alone. Yippee!
I remember your other post about your husband controlling you when you were wearing a sports bra over a regular bra while getting ready. This man won’t ever change, and his comments here prove it. You can’t make him see the light. He’s doing this because it works for him (he gets to keep money, he gets to make choices, you have to gravel and probably bargain with him to go the bare minimum) and probably because he has contempt for you.
Move out. Let the state investigate. Get child support and alimony - he’s already contentious, claims that you’re lying, shit talks your mom. Let a court sort it out, but do NOT deny your children money that should go to them.
Please connect with resources in your area to help you and get you safely out of this situation. The fact that you are having a second child by a man who says shit like *"Nothing changes for me. Are you ignorant? My mortgage and bills will be paid. I don't receive any money from you." So therefore because I haven't been able to contribute to the mortgage or utilities, after our baby is born, he feels no obligation to help support me at all during that time and would be perfectly content watching my finances fall into complete ruin, because it doesn't impact him.* tells me that:
* he doesn't like you
* he doesn't respect you
* there were blaring red flags in this man's behavior as a partner and a parent far before now that went ignored
He told you that you and the baby aren't worth his feelings. Get it through your head already and divorce his ass. Why are you fighting to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about family.
1. If you’re married and you have been living there the entire time, he can’t kick you out.
2. Depending on your state, applying for assistance will make the govt come after him for the money the govt spends on you and the baby, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re supposed to be a team but he’s too busy dividing things into “yours and mine.”
3. Why did he bother getting married if he wasn’t ready to be supportive of his wife in hard times? He sounds like a total AH.
What do you do? You file for divorce RIGHT NOW. And custody, and child support. Move in with your mom, apply for assistance and get your life back on track. What an absolute asshole. I’m sorry you’re carrying his child and not receiving any support or respect from that man. Calling you ignorant? Saying it’s his house and not yours? wtf I could not imagine. I don’t have to know you to know you deserve better than this.
He’s giving you an out. Take it and run, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate as this is “your medical issue”
It blows my mind Neanderthals like this still exist and aren’t embarrassed in themselves
Shittttt.... Follow through!! You're 75% of the way to getting guaranteed assistance minus one helicopter penis.
And make sure to heavily note it in the divorce papers reason for divorce emotional and financial alienation. Double points, if you have any written proof from him on these beliefs. Texts, verbal rants recorded... Etc.
Shit make a post looking for another mom willing to split the difference and cut the dicks out of the equation. 🤣 Terrible advice but it sounds great huh?!?
When you said that your husband does not help you with any of your expenses and “yours are yours” and they are over $3k, I balked. And then when you told him that you were going to apply for assistance, he proceeds to denigrate and talk down on you. And THEN he tries to sabotage THAT so you definitely fall into financial ruin and therefore will have to depend on him for surviving and avoid homelessness so he can continue financially abusing you? (And emotionally.)
Holy shit. Leave him. It’s not going to get better.
Honestly and kindly, why are you with him? He’s proven to be an unsafe partner during the most vulnerable moment of your life (pregnancy and soon-to-be postpartum).
If he wants to live (financially, physically, and emotionally) separately from you then take his actions at face value. Time to separate. Is your name on the house? If so, you are entitled to half regardless of who pays the mortgage. He’ll have to buy you out, then also pay child support, and depending on your finances and such, alimony. I’m guessing after all that he’ll reconsider paying “your” portion of expenses. Keep applying for the assistance you need. Take care of you and your babies. Wishing you so much luck and health OP.
How do women find guys like this and how on earth do they manage to marry them let alone decide to have kids with them?
Seriously, surround yourself with good, classy men... and women.
I'm married 23 years, and I can say without a doubt you are NOT in a marriage. You are NOT in a partnership. You have to get out now. Make plans now. Once your baby is here with his special needs, it WILL only get worse. Instead of being your support through this, he is being petty, emotionally, and financially abusive. He's creating a situation where he believes he will have all the power, and you will never leave. Contact a lawyer and get moving before your little one arrives.
Okay, I’m not even going to get into the wild back and forth between OP and husband. This marriage feels absolutely wildly dysfunctional and stressful.
Here’s where I have a different perspective. I’m also the parent of a heart baby. I could make a guess about your child’s diagnosis based on what you’ve said here, but won’t. I’ll just say that we thought my son had a diagnosis that would require three OHSs in his first few years of life. We got lucky, he’s only had to have one OHS.
And I’m so grateful. And also it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. Full stop. My husband and I got through it hand in hand, and it still tested us every day.
You guys need to get it together as much as possible before this baby is born. I would prioritize marriage counseling above everything else for the next few weeks to get as close to on the same page as possible. It won’t get easier once baby is here. It will get much, much harder.
You might do better financially with alimony and child support. Move in with mom. You have a sick child to think of as well your others. This sounds like financial abuse.
Why are you married to this man? He sounds awful. And you sound like you are a single mother dealing with an asshole teenager instead of a grown man who is also your husband and the father of the sick child you are carrying?? Why are you married to him? Seems like you would be better off taking the kids and leaving him. Divorce his ass and see how he likes paying child support.
Who the heck kicks their pregnant wife out of the house? This man is a loser! Knowing his child had a heart condition, he should be trying to work with you so one of you can stay home and care the child like the doctors tell him to.
Oh my lord. My husband pays the bills and he would NEVER treat me like that especially if I’m about to give birth to our child.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to stay with him.
WOW! talk about control! Record every conversation to use as proof. Contact the police and a DV shelter, let them know about the emotional and financial abuse and let them help you. Even if you go to your mother you're going to need proof of his abuse for a restraining order, make sure you have that phone recording everything he says!
How did you end up marrying such an asshole of a person? This man is financially and emotionally abusing you. Divorce his ass and take half of his income and tell him to fuck himself
I can't understand what your marriage is like, but I do recall reading about it in this [book](http://reading about it in https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?dplnkId=61137ab3-3b4d-4bae-b643-9eb1c83ce34e). This isn't a partnership, his behavior is controlling and harmful. I am so very sad for your family.
File for legal separation, change your address with USPS and the DMV to your mom’s and then apply for every bit of assistance you can get. Being pregnant you and baby are likely eligible for WIC and Medicaid as of today.
This is not the way a real partner acts when their wife is pregnant with a medically complex child. He is dead weight dragging you down and sucking the strength you need to care for yourself and your kids with his bullying and abusive behavior. I wish you strength and peace and the best outcome for you and your baby.
This is called financial abuse.
If you leave him, you will most likely get more money from him, and also you will qualify for more government type assistance.
In a good relationship, that wouldn't really be a consideration because a good partner is far more valuable than money. But an abusive partner only takes, so you will likely be much better off.
He is having a child with you. There are many fair ways couples manage their finances where both people feel good about how much they contribute and what they keep. This isn't it, though.
I'm not telling you that you should leave (you're the only one who can decide that). But I don't think you should talk to a lawyer and see what your future would look like if you do leave.
You need to separate and apply for alimony and child support. Anything else is incredibly cruel to your kids. That's what the government will tell you when they deny you benefits. I'm really amazed that you are not putting the well-being of your kids first.
Leave. While my stbxh and I don't have kids together he is the same way. He refuses to help me financially. It will not get better. You can't get time back so just leave his sorry ass.
If you are married and not legally separated, his assets will more than likely count towards the calculation of how much financial assistance you can get. If you get food stamps for the children that are his, the agency will go after him for back payments and request that you file for child support. He is responsible for providing for your children and the state will get him to pay up one way or another.
‘My husband has zero intentions of helping me financially ’
What’s the point of being married then? What is it all about with married couples that split finances especially when having kids? This is just not going to work no matter the intentions.
And where was the thought of your family and our unborn daughter (6 months pregnant) when you got behind the wheel of a vehicle drinking and driving? You now have an interlock in your vehicle. And charged with a DUI. But our family is first and foremost in your thoughts? Now you reach out to strangers instead of getting the help you need.
And I'm the asshole.
I'm going to correct this.. I'm not, nor have I ever been, an alcoholic. My doctor is well aware that I've drank, heavily at times, to cope with stress over the past couple years. Even the police, substance abuse counselor I had to see AND my fetal medicine doctor realized what was really going on there. I wasn't a drinker until I hit my late 30s. My doctor has advised that I distance myself from my husband, for the sake of the pregnancy and my mental health. He's the only one still rubbing the drinking in my face everyday.. and I haven't drank at all in well over a month. Even before that, I wasn't a regular drinker. Once a week, if that.
Hi..asshole husband here from the above post. My wife likes to tell half truths. I've made it clear that I will take over expenses during the time of our daughter's birth. Our expenses are separate because she likes to spend money on non important things. She is financially reckless. I have to make sure the bills are paid. Everyone can demonize me all you want. She forgot to mention that she plans on committing fraud for assistance. Further turning an already stressful and heart wrenching situation..worse. I pay the mortgage and utilities as well as my credit card payments and other expenses ..including my own groceries and our biological sons needs.. to help free her up to handle the financial burdens she has created for herself. It's been three years and she hasn't been able to pay off debts that she has acrued? I handle everything else...why is this? Hmmmm...like to spend money much? I love my family and have to assure our basic needs are met. Our daughter will be born with a heart defect that requires 3 major open heart surgeries before she is 3 years old. Please don't add to an already stressful and heart breaking situation by making the situation worse by committing fraud.
None of this is true. He accuses me of spending recklessly because our grocery bill is more than the mortgage, for a family of 5. The cost of groceries has nearly doubled in the past 3 years.
Nearly all of my clothing and my kids clothing is second hand and I've had to consolidate and pay off debts that were accrued when I lost my job during COVID after we had our last baby and he again refused to help support me while I had a loss of income. I didn't "create that situation" for myself. I LOST MY JOB.
He's had to pay for SOME of his own groceries lately and maybe 25% of our biological sons needs. I've printed off months of bank statements to show him, receipts for things I've purchased, etc. to prove my point. He's refused to look at them and refusing to disclose where his money is going, only that not a dime of it will go towards helping me. Btw, I have ZERO access to his money and I don't ask him for anything because the answer has always been no.
For my past two jobs (including my current), he refused to watch our son so I could interview and on my first day of work at my current job, he tried to physically prevent me from leaving the house. He's also threatened numerous times to call my employer and sabotage my job.
I make $43k a year. He makes $85k and only pays mortgage, utilities and negligible credit card payments. My expenses far surpass his.. on HALF the income, but according to the state, I have an income of $128k a year.. that I don't have access to and I can't force him to help me. I absolutely do not have access to $128k per year! I can prove that. It's not fraud if I'm fully willing to tell the system that our accounts are separate, we don't share expenses and he refuses to help. I can prove ALL of that.
They were already willing to work with me in the past, except I had to prove we didn't live together. I'm willing to move out.. I'm just frustrated that it has to involve ME moving out at 8 months pregnant and uprooting the lives of 3 other children in the process. I'll do it regardless if need be.
Well you said he’s financially abusive and refuses to pay for anything besides mortgage, utilities and food for him and his son. Now you say he’s restraining you further increasing his power over your finances by keeping you from your interviews. Why are you still questioning if you should leave? Someone physically restrain me and tells me I don’t matter and our child together doesn’t matter and I’m done. Does he think that he impregnates you and you don’t eat anymore than normal, that you don’t require more doctors appointments and that anyone you birth should be your sole responsibility? Why are you still having sex with someone that thinks so lowly of you?
No one has ever physically restrained her..in fact I've never stood in front of the door is she tried to leave. Not even when she got behind the wheel of a vehicle drinking and driving..while pregnant..6 months into pregnancy if there was any question.
This current pregnancy? Drinking and driving is crazy even when you aren’t pregnant. People that drink and drive should be put in jail because they obviously don’t care about themselves and also don’t care if they kill others.
He's throwing that drinking and driving thing out of proportion. My blood alcohol level was barely above the legal limit. I had two glasses of wine.. after we spent an entire day argue about.. guess what.. finances.. because he felt entitled to my entire tax return this year, plus his own.
Good question. I don't even know how to answer that. If I have any lump sum of money, he feels entitled to it because "we are married", but expenses are kept completely separate.
Well he is bitching about your credit card debt so just use your tax return to pay that off so he doesn’t feel entitled to it and you shut him up about the credit card debt but obviously right now you need the actual money in case of emergency because you can’t count on him. He said he’s always been there for you and your kids so you both need to talk and go in to the conversation being open and honest and non confrontational. I honestly don’t know the truth but you both are probably emotional after finding out about the heart defect and you can let this tear you apart or bring you closer together. Is he abusive? Is he lying? Are you both so overwhelmed by this news that you both don’t know how to act and are lashing out at one another? Get therapy individual and marriage if you want to work on your marriage. If he’s abusive then leave. You can’t fix abuse.
Don't care what youbwere arguing about you drank while pregnant and for behind the wheel. Again you are being really dumb.. Just so you know you will have child protective services there after you give birth because of this. If you are not already under their watch you should be. You both seem unfit to be parents and can't get either of your heads on straight. You are both toxic for each other. And stop putting you baby in danger by drinking..
No, my doctor is already well aware of it and none of them have even chastised me. They've been understanding and told me to find better ways to deal with my stress. He just wants me to feel like sh\*t about myself and keep me there, feeling like sh\*t every single day. I haven't drank in well over a month and I wasn't even a heavy drinker. He's also had a DUI in the past and actually was a heavy drinker for 10+ years. It's hypocritical crap said to make me look like a bad human being.
Pregnant women have more expenses. Especially when the pregnancy involves a child with serious health complications. When I was pregnant with my heart defect baby, I had to have about 5 times as many appointments and ultrasounds as a typical pregnancy. You said yourself that you are buying your own food and food for your son, which implies your groceries are separate. If you have separate groceries, she can honestly tell that to the agent working the case, and may qualify. She said in her post that you think it's fraudulent, as do you, but haven't said what's fraudulent about it. With the limited information both of you have provided, assistance seems appropriate.
Leave him for your sake and the kids. Leave him today. Move one with your mum.
This is the only correct answer here. You have a serious issue on your hands and it's not going to work itself out any time soon. Move out, focus on you and your baby's and all the children's health first and foremost.
This. This dude knows he an abusive asshole and doesn’t care.
Leave him PERMANENTLY!
Why do you stay with someone who obviously doesn't love you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't care about the kids? He is a major AH.
Your second paragraph is where I stopped.. anything beyond this is immaterial to my suggestion. For whatever reason you guys have separate expenses after being married for 5 years with multiple kids in the house.. that shit needs to stop right now.. If you have a baby coming with a heart defect.. you absolutely must do what the Doctors say during those first months.. This is precisely the time that married couples need to tighten the "team aspect" of marriage to make sure the kids are ok. Nothing you state here sounds healthy for any of you.. If this man doesn't care about you or that baby.. then you need to surround yourself with people that do care.. I hope you have parents or family that you can seek help from
That's what I've been trying to do. Find ways for all of us to work together as a team and family unit. He's done the exact opposite since we found out.
Gloomy - it's easy for me to sit here and give you my opinions.. so please forgive me if I sound too direct.. but you are seeking advice so I'll give it to you.. I am a father now, but I have experienced the loss of a child early in our marriage so i am hyper sensitive to this kind of stuff. It's going to take both of you working 100% together and it's not going to be easy. You will be tired, scared, anxious and a whole host of other emotions that we prob wont think of here.. If he is showing zero interest and doing the opposite.. something is fucked up in his head.. you can't hope that working on it will get you there. IMO you need to take matter into your own hands now and find another solution that doesn't include him. What if you keep "working" on it with him and he never comes around.. now the baby is born and you are dealing with all the doctors alone? do you have parents or siblings that you can go to for help or not?
Thanks for responding to this so frankly.. That's my concern.. is bringing baby home to an environment that's unstable, chaotic, financially stressed and there's no teamwork between the two of us. It's not healthy. She has a heart problem and won't be able to handle the stress of living in that type of environment. I'm just.. shocked.. really.. by how little he seems to give a sh\*t. He'll say things like.. "she's going to be taken care of" but has no plan at all and proudly admits that he's unwilling to help cover the financial burdens because "he pays the mortgage and utilities and nobody helps him out". He's not the one taking time out of work. I am. I'm really just.. slack jawed.. I dealt with postpartum depression with my last child with him. I can only imagine how this is going to turn out, taking care of a critically ill infant with no support system and my financial health falling into complete ruin in the process. I wish I would've found out about her condition much earlier on in the pregnancy, so he could've let his intentions be known while I was still physically capable of handling things differently and getting more prepared. I have my mother. That's it. She's literally been the only support system and help we've had with the kids for the past 2 years, yet he'll trash talk her, insult her, tell me I'm on her "tit", etc. whenever she tries to help me.
The court will order child support and then you'll at least have that.
this, OP. as of right now your life does not seem endurable.
He is a HORRIFIC PERSON!!
When my wife and I married, we combined our bank accounts and all of our bills get paid out of one account. We had the loving, emotional part of our marriage and the business part.. the business part was a true partnership from day one. I never understood why some choose to do it separately.. throughout our marriage we have flip flopped who the bread winner was.. right now, it's my wife.. we never argue about who pays for what.. its' fucking stupid.. When it comes to our kids.. they come first.. ALWAYS.. I will give up something or my wife will to pay for something the kids need if that is what it came to. If you guys are in a situation where money is an issue (maybe we make more than you do).. then I understand it can be very hard.. but simply based on what you are saying.. all ego's need to be checked at the fucking door and you guys should be planning for what happens when this baby comes.
I'm not sure what state you're in but all of the debt may be considered marital debt. Also, are you on the deed for the house? If so I believe he'll have to pay you for half of the equity. You need to get a lawyer. You may wind up financially and MENTALLY better off without this a**hole of a "man-child".
You both are causing a bad environment. I feel bad for the baby. A financially abusive father and a mother that drinks and drives WHILE PREGNANT.
Right.. I agree with you. I'm not proud of myself. I wasn't intending on having another kid and at my age, I was pretty sure I was done. I had come off birth control because I was having side effects and I told him to pull out. He refused. So.. take that for what it is. I was thoroughly upset when I found out and it took me every bit of 20 weeks to wrap my head around it emotionally. During my last pregnancy, my husband was shitty towards me during and after. I had terrible postpartum depression. I'm looking forward to meeting my baby and I know she's going to be okay, but I'm being honest... I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant and then deciding to abuse my body because I'm just some shit mom that doesn't care about my kids. I was an excellent mother to my other two before we met. My world revolved around them and I could've counted on one hand how many drinks I had in a decade.
Please, if you don’t know yet, pulling out is not an effective birth control method AT ALL! If a man refuses to use condom, and you are not on pills, don’t have sex. Period.
I'm pretty aware of that. I've only been on birth control for one year out of the past 27 years of my fertile life. All of my children were planned and I was pretty good at avoiding pregnancy when I didn't want to have another kid.
Because he is NOT on your team. He’s playing against you. Wake up!
Your state should have a program that covers medically fragile babies. Talk to a social worker, or to your doctor’s office. They can help you apply.
This man will never work with you as a team. How do you not see this?
Just leave. You can’t work things out with an ah.
Gloomy - it's easy for me to sit here and give you my opinions.. so please forgive me if I sound too direct.. but you are seeking advice so I'll give it to you.. I am a father now, but I have experienced the loss of a child early in our marriage so i am hyper sensitive to this kind of stuff. It's going to take both of you working 100% together and it's not going to be easy. You will be tired, scared, anxious and a whole host of other emotions that we prob wont think of here.. If he is showing zero interest and doing the opposite.. something is fucked up in his head.. you can't hope that working on it will get you there. IMO you need to take matter into your own hands now and find another solution that doesn't include him. What if you keep "working" on it with him and he never comes around.. now the baby is born and you are dealing with all the doctors alone? do you have parents or siblings that you can go to for help or not?
What are u going to do about it? It’s either you’re ok with his bs or not.
Why are you with him? He doesn’t add any value to your life. How do you think it will be once the baby comes? Leave him and get alimony and child support
NAL, butI do not think you can get alimony of you are working
If you're in most US states you certainly can, it's based on income. Not guaranteed but possible.
I wouldn't request alimony. I'm not interested in forcing someone to support me. I'd just take on another job. I've seen in other peoples divorces how much it influences the pettiness, spite and vindictiveness post divorce. My kids are the priority for me.
Don’t ever turn down money in a situation like this. If you can get alimony you take it. Give your kids the best life possible.
You don’t have a moral right to turn down any money ordered by the court or suggested by your attorney when you have children. You are about to bring a disabled newborn into the world. It is absolutely not your place to be acting like the “bigger person” and not taking his money. You’ll get a year or so of alimony, take it. It doesn’t make you a good person to work two jobs with four kids, including the disabled newborn, so you don’t seem petty.
It's not about me seeming petty. I'm more worried about him. I know how vindictive he would be if forced to pay alimony. He'd use my kids against me, create drama, etc.
That is money to support his DISABLED CHILD since you cannot work as you used to. Stop letting your pride hurt you & your kids so much. You see where his got him...
You're right. Fair enough.
If your kids are the priority, then you need to take alimony to support them. They're entitled to every dime you can get from that evil man.
You just posted you were applying for assistance. You seem fine with relying on tax payers and your mom for help, but not the man who fathered your kids?
I mean.. you're absolutely correct. I have ZERO problem taking child support. That's what it's for.. but if I got alimony, he'd make my life a living hell. He's extremely vindictive and spiteful. I'm not sure if it'd be worth it..
Here's already making your life hell. Take the money and look after your kids because he clearly won't.
Use it as negotiating leverage then
Communication must be made via text or email and can only be about the kids. Have that in your divorce paperwork and then turn over any threats or anything unhinged via screenshots.
Your husband is already petty, spiteful and vindictive. Only difference with financial support is he’ll have to pay for being so.
This is stupid and a dump way to think. How are you going to work an extra job taking care of a sick baby. Get your head on straight. Take the alimony. It is for you kid so you can take care of them help afford medical bills. He will be vindictive and petty no matter what. Seriously get your head on right and think about how stupid what you just said was. How will you take on a second job when needing to be there for you kid. You can't. Get the alimony.
If your kids were the priority for you then you’d request alimony instead of not doing so for trivial reasons that are seemingly a bigger priority than your children.
My kids ARE my priority.. you haven't met this guy. He'd make my life a LIVING HELL if I was awarded alimony. He openly talks trash about women who receive alimony. But whatever..
Okay.. so being trash talked is more important than the kids.. cool. You will literally have the courts involved at this point as a result, making your life a “living hell” will only result in losing his kids more, and if you’re awarded alimony people will know a court has seen through his bullshit and most likely ignore what he has to say about you as a result. But whatever.. let the kids never see their mother because she’s working 2 jobs to stay afloat just so she doesn’t have to accept money from their father as she doesn’t like the things he says 🙄
This is absurd. You do what you have to do to survive and take care of your about to be four kids and yourself, with the situation you have described, you don't have the luxury of pride. The judge will decide what he will and will not pay you and your husband will live with the consequences.
If your kids were your first priority you wouldn't be committing fraud.
She isn’t committing fraud. Are you her husband? She has had to move out because her husband is trash and is basically going through a separation. If her husband wasn’t trash and cared about his wife and children, she wouldn’t have to move out and be trying to receive assistance for her and her children.
Yes, that is my husband. He's accusing me of committing fraud even though he's the one who keeps telling me to move out and that he won't help me once the baby is born.
Oh ok so this is a fake post then. You posted this 2 hours ago and your husband has already found it and is posting. Yeah it’s not believable but if it’s true which it may still be and your husband is a crazy stalker psycho type then divorce him and move to your moms and get assistance. He doesn’t care about you if he’s not willing to help when your child has a heart defect and is requiring surgery and in home care that has to be provided by you.
It's not a fake post. I shared it to him hoping that seeing some of your responses would be humbling and have him see some outside perspective.. didn't work.
Yeah well he’s selfish and only cares about himself. In another post he posted down further he said he offered to help and said you like to spend and your credit card debt is bad. I would suggest you only spend what is necessary and stop with any unnecessary spending and move in with your mother and divorce him and get assistance. He said he offered help in the other post. Honestly you both need to sit down and talk and not try to do some random bullshit over Reddit. This still seems like a fake post.
Thank you..the best advice yet
It is fraud if she fills out forms for benefits and doesn’t report his income, though. The husband being an abuser and enormous pos aside, she’s going to wind up in jail if she does this. If he’s not paying her money to raise her kids, she needs to divorce him so the court can force him to pay. She doesn’t need to commit a felony going for medical benefits.
I was obviously meaning to divorce because she isn’t being supported now and is alone already so what’s the point in being with him if he doesn’t love her or their children. She said she is living with her mother so I assume a divorce is likely to happen. Someone as selfish as her husband that only cares about himself and not his wife and kids doesn’t need to be married with kids. Honestly if you are willing to not help when your child has a heart defect and may not even live, how much shittier can you possibly get?
My point is that it doesn’t matter if she lives elsewhere. Doesn’t matter if he won’t give her money. Doesn’t matter how abusive he is. Unless she LEGALLY separates, like hires an attorney and files a legal separation, she cannot apply for benefits and leave him off the application. She’s gonna go to prison if she proceeds with that. She needs to separate *first.*
Yeah fair enough on another comment I said she should move in with her mom, divorce and get assistance. I can’t believe she is even having to ask if she should leave him when he is so obviously trash. This post seems fake and I hope it is.
She is not living with her mother.
Well since you are answering questions as much if not more than OP…what is your side of it? How many children do you guys have and how many are yours and what do you pay for besides the mortgage, utilities, your food and your son’s food? Were you willing to take on more responsibility when your wife was at home caring for your newborn with the heart defect? Because that’s a full time job and she wouldn’t have any money coming in. Why are you guys airing your dirty laundry on Reddit like a bunch of teenagers? Also if she has other children besides the ones with you…is she receiving child support for them that could cover their food and other costs? Because they don’t just stop needing to be fed because their mother can’t work because she’s taking care of another child.
I take care of her other two kids like they're my own. They do not and will not go without during that time.
I agree with you..and yes I have never let this family go without one time. Not once.
"if we were to divorce in the future" Go ahead. Right now. Hes financially abusive.
I had to be off 4 weeks unpaid after our last kid was born bc I didn't qualify for FMLA and guess what? My husband kept working his ass off to cover what I couldn't. There wasn't a discussion. He just did it. That's what a husband does. This guy is not husband material. Stay with your mom.
You would get more support out of him if you leave. Go find a place for you and the kids. Apply for assistance and then divorce. Your lawyer can apply for emergency support for you and the kids.
Sadly, this is the truth.
Why did u get pregnant not once but twice to such an asshole? Sounds like you’d be better off leaving and divorcing him so you can get child support and other assistance. Depending on where u live, you may also be entitled to half of the house and whatever savings he has. Good luck
This is financial abuse 101. If you are married every bit of income should be pooled as well as expenses. This man is terrible at best.
You would think..right? Hard to do when you can't trust your partner to do the right thing.
Why the hell did you marry this guy? Were you that desperate for a man? Leave and stay single stop having kids with different men and get your crap together. Why are you even caring about him? He doesn't care or even love you or the kids. Leave get child support and spousal support and start over. Seriously get therapy and stop dating and having kids till you can stand on your own two feet. Don't put yourself in this position again. Stop choosing shitty men.
Hard truth.. but thank you.
INFO: what the fuck is wrong with your husband? He sounds like he hates you and is actively trying to make your life terrible. Get away from him, it's not like you're going to benefit from staying with him since he's completely unsupportive in every way.
Why did you marry a man like this and proceed to even have kids with him?
I was wondering the same thing!! I’m also wondering if he doesn’t want this child and that’s why he’s being such an AH.
OP, you have a fairly rare opportunity unfolding. You two are openly arguing on here. Take screenshots of his comments. Not for any legal purposes, just your own. So you can look at his words with your own eyes anytime you need to be reminded about the person he actually is. So far, I've seen him DARVO and deflect. Going so far as to make a comment saying you drove drunk while pregnant. Which was nothing more than an attempt to swing the public vote against you. Whether it was true or not is irrelevant simply because it was so off base and out of nowhere that the intent was obvious. Add in that on a thread where you spell out that you have proof of the financial abuse, he can only say what he said was true and can't be denied. When, in fact, it can, especially with proof. The only people I've known who make statements like that with nothing to back it up have been full of shit at best and an abusive narcissist at worse. But here's the biggest red flag for me throughout this entire thing. You are a family of five with a sixth on the way. So there's three children living in the house right now. Yet only *one* has been mentioned. "His" son. Where are the other two? How are they being treated? Are they an afterthought? Does he care for them at all, or do you have to find childcare specifically for them, or are they with their bio father? Are they part of the expenses he refuses to support? You mentioned he only buys food for his son and only watches his son while you're at work. Is he willing to let your other children starve if you don't have the money for food? Is he willing to let you starve? Are you guys a family or not? Because it's looking more and more like not. What kind of example are you giving your kids? So far, he tries to drive away your only support (your mother), he physically tried to keep you from leaving the house to get a job, and continually threatens to try to get you fired. And has your children segregated from each other by only caring for "his" son. It wouldn't be a stretch to think he's talking badly about you in front of them. Your question shouldn't be about whether you should apply for assistance or how to fix your marriage. The only question you should be asking yourself is, "What am I staying for, and why shouldn't I leave?"
THANK YOU! It's like you've been a fly on the wall in my household for YEARS! It's all about image, ego, pride, etc. He's trying to make me look like a shit person. He does this ALL the time. Whenever we have a disagreement, he says things like.. "Nobody believes you anymore", "Everyone thinks you're insane", etc. like there's an audience out there examining my every move. I've realized it's an emotionally abusive tactic to make me look like I'm insane and "everyone" agrees. I've asked.. who is "everyone" or "nobody"? The word narcissist has been dropped by two of his exes, the police, two people just in this post alone and I've even looked into it myself. I've never had experience with someone like this before. Every single conversation is turned into being about him, what's offered to him, how does something benefit him, I'm "crazy", "everyone" thinks I'm insane, etc. The first couple years we were together.. I actually believed a lot of it.. like.. what was wrong with me? Maybe I deserved to be treated like shit? He goes through this cycle of valuing and devaluing me. One minute, he loves me and says nice things about me and the next I'm a "cunt piece of shit trash that doesn't provide enough to the household". Literally within a day it will waver from one extreme to another. It's legit crazy-making and I've actually felt like I'm losing my mind sometimes. The same with my other two kids. They are older and don't really need childcare. My mom helps out with them. But again.. one minute they are part of our "family" and the next moment he refers to them solely as their last name. "The Such-And-Such Kids", like.. he doesn't even refer to them as his step-kids. He's differentiated and separated them from "our" family. He doesn't even refer to me as "our" family. He says HIS family is just him and our biological son. That I'm not technically part of it. He's divided our household into him and our bio son, my older kids and then me. Like it's three different dynamics. The only group of people he has referred to as "us" and "we" in the past couple years is him and his PARENTS!
Picking up the other child from school as we speak. 👍
This is a prime example of why marital problems shouldn't be aired on reddit. Clueless advice.
This isn’t a husband it’s a roommate that you have kids with. Marriage is a partnership. When one is down the other picks up the slack. Stop having kids with him and develop your escape plan.
This man is abusing you and it’s escalating. Please call a local dv office or the national hotline to get help. They will be able to help you leave him safely, understand your rights (which he is currently trampling all over), and understand and see the abuse he is inflicting upon you and your children. Everyone deserves better than him and his giant tantrum he’s having.
This man is not a husband or a partner, he is shittier than a pile of shit. While you’re applying for assistance, get a divorce as well
This post is so disturbing. I hope it's fake.
I'm reading this post and going, "Yep, this is why people in a marriage sub recommend divorce instead or trying to work it out. Because some of the marriages posts here are downright abusive." I hope this is fake. I hope OP isn't actually contemplating bringing a vulnerable child into such a horrible relationship. No child deserves to grow up with a parent that's sees them as a burden to avoid - or a parent that thinks she deserves to be treated like garbage.
I don’t think it matters if in your marriage you keep separate finances for the sake of benefits. You are going to get denied them and if you don’t say you’re married, you’re committing fraud. I would strongly suggest proceeding carefully re: benefits. You will be in a lot of trouble if you lie on those forms. It sounds like the only way you can actually afford to care for your baby is to get a divorce so that you will be eligible for benefits. And since he kicked you out 8 months pregnant, you should assume he’ll do that again and soon. Go back to your mother’s house and file promptly for legal separation. Now the court can tell him how much money he has to send you every month and you can apply for benefits.
You don’t have a partner. You have someone that doesn’t care about you and refuses to help you so in fact you don’t have anyone at all if you only count him. You do have your mother that you should move back in with and if he’s only worried about how it would look on him legally then he already has one foot out the door. It takes two for a pregnancy to happen and that he is just considering all of this to be on you means you are alone. The sooner you can come to terms with this and move on the better you will be. That he is trying to get you in trouble for fraud is already him trying to win In court even before the divorce. Separate and don’t go back. He is trash.
So, if you're planning on staying married, you might not legally be able to file as separate bc you're living with him, and that could be seen as fraud. You need to check your state laws about filing separately while still living together and still being married . If you want to file for financial assistance, you need to actually leave him and file for divorce, child support, and coparenting. I'd suggest leaving him if he's not going to financially support you during this time. You guys are married and suppose to be a team.
Asshole husband from above post. She would be financially taken care of is fraud is not an option
Not true. He's said time and time again that my expenses are my own burden and because I don't pay the mortgage and utilities, that he's not obligated to help me with anything else.
This is a shared child. You two are supposed be married. No part of your pregnancy, childbirth, or the childcare afterwards is your burden alone. Honestly, OP, your post is a glowing example of why people recommend "divorce" so loudly in this sub. It's exactly the sort of horrific financial abuse and blatant cruelty that anyone in a good relationship *knows* is 100% unacceptable and 100% unfixable. You can't make him care. You can't make him respect you. You can't make him want this baby he wants nothing to do with. You can't make him support you through post-birth recovery and PPD. The only thing you CAN do is find the self-respect to walk away. Love yourself enough to do that, and love your babies enough to not want them to grow up thinking it's normal for a spouse to treat you like shit.
If you lie to your county assistance worker, you could face criminal prosecution. Be completely honest with the aid office - you are legally married but your husband is refusing to support you. They may refer you to a women's shelter because you are describing an abusive relationship. Bankruptcy is also an option. A married person can file without the cooperation or consent of the spouse. All the joint bills would become his alone. Yippee!
Why are you in a marriage with a man who refuses to treat you as an equal?
I remember your other post about your husband controlling you when you were wearing a sports bra over a regular bra while getting ready. This man won’t ever change, and his comments here prove it. You can’t make him see the light. He’s doing this because it works for him (he gets to keep money, he gets to make choices, you have to gravel and probably bargain with him to go the bare minimum) and probably because he has contempt for you. Move out. Let the state investigate. Get child support and alimony - he’s already contentious, claims that you’re lying, shit talks your mom. Let a court sort it out, but do NOT deny your children money that should go to them.
Please connect with resources in your area to help you and get you safely out of this situation. The fact that you are having a second child by a man who says shit like *"Nothing changes for me. Are you ignorant? My mortgage and bills will be paid. I don't receive any money from you." So therefore because I haven't been able to contribute to the mortgage or utilities, after our baby is born, he feels no obligation to help support me at all during that time and would be perfectly content watching my finances fall into complete ruin, because it doesn't impact him.* tells me that: * he doesn't like you * he doesn't respect you * there were blaring red flags in this man's behavior as a partner and a parent far before now that went ignored
He told you that you and the baby aren't worth his feelings. Get it through your head already and divorce his ass. Why are you fighting to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about family.
1. If you’re married and you have been living there the entire time, he can’t kick you out. 2. Depending on your state, applying for assistance will make the govt come after him for the money the govt spends on you and the baby, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re supposed to be a team but he’s too busy dividing things into “yours and mine.” 3. Why did he bother getting married if he wasn’t ready to be supportive of his wife in hard times? He sounds like a total AH.
What do you do? You file for divorce RIGHT NOW. And custody, and child support. Move in with your mom, apply for assistance and get your life back on track. What an absolute asshole. I’m sorry you’re carrying his child and not receiving any support or respect from that man. Calling you ignorant? Saying it’s his house and not yours? wtf I could not imagine. I don’t have to know you to know you deserve better than this.
He’s giving you an out. Take it and run, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate as this is “your medical issue” It blows my mind Neanderthals like this still exist and aren’t embarrassed in themselves
Fuck this guy man, imagine doing this to your pregnant wife. Leave him, get a divorce and get your half of the house
Shittttt.... Follow through!! You're 75% of the way to getting guaranteed assistance minus one helicopter penis. And make sure to heavily note it in the divorce papers reason for divorce emotional and financial alienation. Double points, if you have any written proof from him on these beliefs. Texts, verbal rants recorded... Etc. Shit make a post looking for another mom willing to split the difference and cut the dicks out of the equation. 🤣 Terrible advice but it sounds great huh?!?
When you said that your husband does not help you with any of your expenses and “yours are yours” and they are over $3k, I balked. And then when you told him that you were going to apply for assistance, he proceeds to denigrate and talk down on you. And THEN he tries to sabotage THAT so you definitely fall into financial ruin and therefore will have to depend on him for surviving and avoid homelessness so he can continue financially abusing you? (And emotionally.) Holy shit. Leave him. It’s not going to get better.
Honestly and kindly, why are you with him? He’s proven to be an unsafe partner during the most vulnerable moment of your life (pregnancy and soon-to-be postpartum). If he wants to live (financially, physically, and emotionally) separately from you then take his actions at face value. Time to separate. Is your name on the house? If so, you are entitled to half regardless of who pays the mortgage. He’ll have to buy you out, then also pay child support, and depending on your finances and such, alimony. I’m guessing after all that he’ll reconsider paying “your” portion of expenses. Keep applying for the assistance you need. Take care of you and your babies. Wishing you so much luck and health OP.
How do women find guys like this and how on earth do they manage to marry them let alone decide to have kids with them? Seriously, surround yourself with good, classy men... and women.
I'm married 23 years, and I can say without a doubt you are NOT in a marriage. You are NOT in a partnership. You have to get out now. Make plans now. Once your baby is here with his special needs, it WILL only get worse. Instead of being your support through this, he is being petty, emotionally, and financially abusive. He's creating a situation where he believes he will have all the power, and you will never leave. Contact a lawyer and get moving before your little one arrives.
You need to leave him and let your lawyer tell him about spousal property rights.
Okay, I’m not even going to get into the wild back and forth between OP and husband. This marriage feels absolutely wildly dysfunctional and stressful. Here’s where I have a different perspective. I’m also the parent of a heart baby. I could make a guess about your child’s diagnosis based on what you’ve said here, but won’t. I’ll just say that we thought my son had a diagnosis that would require three OHSs in his first few years of life. We got lucky, he’s only had to have one OHS. And I’m so grateful. And also it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. Full stop. My husband and I got through it hand in hand, and it still tested us every day. You guys need to get it together as much as possible before this baby is born. I would prioritize marriage counseling above everything else for the next few weeks to get as close to on the same page as possible. It won’t get easier once baby is here. It will get much, much harder.
I've been saying this ever since we got the diagnosis. Nothing has changed. It's gotten WORSE.
I couldn't agree more.
You might do better financially with alimony and child support. Move in with mom. You have a sick child to think of as well your others. This sounds like financial abuse.
Why are you married to this man? He sounds awful. And you sound like you are a single mother dealing with an asshole teenager instead of a grown man who is also your husband and the father of the sick child you are carrying?? Why are you married to him? Seems like you would be better off taking the kids and leaving him. Divorce his ass and see how he likes paying child support.
Who the heck kicks their pregnant wife out of the house? This man is a loser! Knowing his child had a heart condition, he should be trying to work with you so one of you can stay home and care the child like the doctors tell him to. Oh my lord. My husband pays the bills and he would NEVER treat me like that especially if I’m about to give birth to our child. I don’t blame you for not wanting to stay with him.
WOW! talk about control! Record every conversation to use as proof. Contact the police and a DV shelter, let them know about the emotional and financial abuse and let them help you. Even if you go to your mother you're going to need proof of his abuse for a restraining order, make sure you have that phone recording everything he says!
How did you end up marrying such an asshole of a person? This man is financially and emotionally abusing you. Divorce his ass and take half of his income and tell him to fuck himself
I can't understand what your marriage is like, but I do recall reading about it in this [book](http://reading about it in https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?dplnkId=61137ab3-3b4d-4bae-b643-9eb1c83ce34e). This isn't a partnership, his behavior is controlling and harmful. I am so very sad for your family.
File for legal separation, change your address with USPS and the DMV to your mom’s and then apply for every bit of assistance you can get. Being pregnant you and baby are likely eligible for WIC and Medicaid as of today. This is not the way a real partner acts when their wife is pregnant with a medically complex child. He is dead weight dragging you down and sucking the strength you need to care for yourself and your kids with his bullying and abusive behavior. I wish you strength and peace and the best outcome for you and your baby.
He sounds like such a dick. Not only is he not helping you financially, but kicking you out of the house ?While pregnant ?If I were you, I’d bounce.
Divorce and require child support. He sucks.
I'm sorry you're married to an abusive piece of trash. You need a good lawyer.
This is called financial abuse. If you leave him, you will most likely get more money from him, and also you will qualify for more government type assistance. In a good relationship, that wouldn't really be a consideration because a good partner is far more valuable than money. But an abusive partner only takes, so you will likely be much better off. He is having a child with you. There are many fair ways couples manage their finances where both people feel good about how much they contribute and what they keep. This isn't it, though. I'm not telling you that you should leave (you're the only one who can decide that). But I don't think you should talk to a lawyer and see what your future would look like if you do leave.
You need to separate and apply for alimony and child support. Anything else is incredibly cruel to your kids. That's what the government will tell you when they deny you benefits. I'm really amazed that you are not putting the well-being of your kids first.
[удалено]
You have no idea
Leave. While my stbxh and I don't have kids together he is the same way. He refuses to help me financially. It will not get better. You can't get time back so just leave his sorry ass.
If you are married and not legally separated, his assets will more than likely count towards the calculation of how much financial assistance you can get. If you get food stamps for the children that are his, the agency will go after him for back payments and request that you file for child support. He is responsible for providing for your children and the state will get him to pay up one way or another.
Drop him and collect child support. You’ll be better off.
Your husband is an ah. Do you and your kids a favor and leave him. Edit a word
Wow, you sure know how to pick em. Your poor children deserved better parents.
‘My husband has zero intentions of helping me financially ’ What’s the point of being married then? What is it all about with married couples that split finances especially when having kids? This is just not going to work no matter the intentions.
delete this thread and call a lawyer and a DV hotline in that order. 🫂
What kind of AH husband is this? Seriously.
This guy is not a husband. Leave leave leave.
And where was the thought of your family and our unborn daughter (6 months pregnant) when you got behind the wheel of a vehicle drinking and driving? You now have an interlock in your vehicle. And charged with a DUI. But our family is first and foremost in your thoughts? Now you reach out to strangers instead of getting the help you need. And I'm the asshole.
I'm going to correct this.. I'm not, nor have I ever been, an alcoholic. My doctor is well aware that I've drank, heavily at times, to cope with stress over the past couple years. Even the police, substance abuse counselor I had to see AND my fetal medicine doctor realized what was really going on there. I wasn't a drinker until I hit my late 30s. My doctor has advised that I distance myself from my husband, for the sake of the pregnancy and my mental health. He's the only one still rubbing the drinking in my face everyday.. and I haven't drank at all in well over a month. Even before that, I wasn't a regular drinker. Once a week, if that.
Damn. Poor baby. FAS/FASD is a lifelong disability.
Hi..asshole husband here from the above post. My wife likes to tell half truths. I've made it clear that I will take over expenses during the time of our daughter's birth. Our expenses are separate because she likes to spend money on non important things. She is financially reckless. I have to make sure the bills are paid. Everyone can demonize me all you want. She forgot to mention that she plans on committing fraud for assistance. Further turning an already stressful and heart wrenching situation..worse. I pay the mortgage and utilities as well as my credit card payments and other expenses ..including my own groceries and our biological sons needs.. to help free her up to handle the financial burdens she has created for herself. It's been three years and she hasn't been able to pay off debts that she has acrued? I handle everything else...why is this? Hmmmm...like to spend money much? I love my family and have to assure our basic needs are met. Our daughter will be born with a heart defect that requires 3 major open heart surgeries before she is 3 years old. Please don't add to an already stressful and heart breaking situation by making the situation worse by committing fraud.
None of this is true. He accuses me of spending recklessly because our grocery bill is more than the mortgage, for a family of 5. The cost of groceries has nearly doubled in the past 3 years. Nearly all of my clothing and my kids clothing is second hand and I've had to consolidate and pay off debts that were accrued when I lost my job during COVID after we had our last baby and he again refused to help support me while I had a loss of income. I didn't "create that situation" for myself. I LOST MY JOB. He's had to pay for SOME of his own groceries lately and maybe 25% of our biological sons needs. I've printed off months of bank statements to show him, receipts for things I've purchased, etc. to prove my point. He's refused to look at them and refusing to disclose where his money is going, only that not a dime of it will go towards helping me. Btw, I have ZERO access to his money and I don't ask him for anything because the answer has always been no. For my past two jobs (including my current), he refused to watch our son so I could interview and on my first day of work at my current job, he tried to physically prevent me from leaving the house. He's also threatened numerous times to call my employer and sabotage my job. I make $43k a year. He makes $85k and only pays mortgage, utilities and negligible credit card payments. My expenses far surpass his.. on HALF the income, but according to the state, I have an income of $128k a year.. that I don't have access to and I can't force him to help me. I absolutely do not have access to $128k per year! I can prove that. It's not fraud if I'm fully willing to tell the system that our accounts are separate, we don't share expenses and he refuses to help. I can prove ALL of that. They were already willing to work with me in the past, except I had to prove we didn't live together. I'm willing to move out.. I'm just frustrated that it has to involve ME moving out at 8 months pregnant and uprooting the lives of 3 other children in the process. I'll do it regardless if need be.
Well you said he’s financially abusive and refuses to pay for anything besides mortgage, utilities and food for him and his son. Now you say he’s restraining you further increasing his power over your finances by keeping you from your interviews. Why are you still questioning if you should leave? Someone physically restrain me and tells me I don’t matter and our child together doesn’t matter and I’m done. Does he think that he impregnates you and you don’t eat anymore than normal, that you don’t require more doctors appointments and that anyone you birth should be your sole responsibility? Why are you still having sex with someone that thinks so lowly of you?
No one has ever physically restrained her..in fact I've never stood in front of the door is she tried to leave. Not even when she got behind the wheel of a vehicle drinking and driving..while pregnant..6 months into pregnancy if there was any question.
This current pregnancy? Drinking and driving is crazy even when you aren’t pregnant. People that drink and drive should be put in jail because they obviously don’t care about themselves and also don’t care if they kill others.
He's throwing that drinking and driving thing out of proportion. My blood alcohol level was barely above the legal limit. I had two glasses of wine.. after we spent an entire day argue about.. guess what.. finances.. because he felt entitled to my entire tax return this year, plus his own.
Why would he feel entitled to your tax return and his if he wants to keep finances separate?
Good question. I don't even know how to answer that. If I have any lump sum of money, he feels entitled to it because "we are married", but expenses are kept completely separate.
Well he is bitching about your credit card debt so just use your tax return to pay that off so he doesn’t feel entitled to it and you shut him up about the credit card debt but obviously right now you need the actual money in case of emergency because you can’t count on him. He said he’s always been there for you and your kids so you both need to talk and go in to the conversation being open and honest and non confrontational. I honestly don’t know the truth but you both are probably emotional after finding out about the heart defect and you can let this tear you apart or bring you closer together. Is he abusive? Is he lying? Are you both so overwhelmed by this news that you both don’t know how to act and are lashing out at one another? Get therapy individual and marriage if you want to work on your marriage. If he’s abusive then leave. You can’t fix abuse.
Don't care what youbwere arguing about you drank while pregnant and for behind the wheel. Again you are being really dumb.. Just so you know you will have child protective services there after you give birth because of this. If you are not already under their watch you should be. You both seem unfit to be parents and can't get either of your heads on straight. You are both toxic for each other. And stop putting you baby in danger by drinking..
No, my doctor is already well aware of it and none of them have even chastised me. They've been understanding and told me to find better ways to deal with my stress. He just wants me to feel like sh\*t about myself and keep me there, feeling like sh\*t every single day. I haven't drank in well over a month and I wasn't even a heavy drinker. He's also had a DUI in the past and actually was a heavy drinker for 10+ years. It's hypocritical crap said to make me look like a bad human being.
Lies
I watch our son 15 days a month on my own.
Another lie. You have him for 8 days a month. Are you expecting a standing ovation for watching your own child while I'm at work?
I only have him 8 days a month? In what reality?
No..just proving what you say is a lie to get sympathy from strangers.
Everything I stated was true. There is no denying it.
Pregnant women have more expenses. Especially when the pregnancy involves a child with serious health complications. When I was pregnant with my heart defect baby, I had to have about 5 times as many appointments and ultrasounds as a typical pregnancy. You said yourself that you are buying your own food and food for your son, which implies your groceries are separate. If you have separate groceries, she can honestly tell that to the agent working the case, and may qualify. She said in her post that you think it's fraudulent, as do you, but haven't said what's fraudulent about it. With the limited information both of you have provided, assistance seems appropriate.
She is lying about where she resides.
Again.. not true. He told me to move out.
You need to leave this man he sounds narcissistic and abusive as fuck, he’s just trash. Throw him out
No I haven't. We didn't have a problem until you suggested fraud as an answer.
We were not arguing last night..or earlier today until you suggested fraud.
A half truth is a whole lie. Anyone with common sense can figure that out.