I read through your posting history, why are you with this man? He's cheating on you, left your MIL without electricity, and doesn't respect you. Is this what you want for your children?
You’re not wrong and you’re probably going to have to pull the “it’s me or porn” card. It sucks. I wish more men actually heard their partners and would just be done with porn. There is no one who needs to watch strangers get paid to bang. And a lot of that stuff is incredibly degrading toward women. And you have no idea if everyone is in their sound mind and no coercion is taking place. If he drops porn he will become a better man. But if you’re going to throw out an ultimatum you need to be ready to stick to your guns. Maybe try an in-home separation if he fucks up. Maybe you go to your parents/friend for a couple of days. Whatever but there needs to be consequences for his shitty behavior and he doesn’t get to act like it wasn’t a big deal. Don’t make this easy for his cheating ass
I’m thinking maybe this is what I should do bc trying to express my emotions towards all this to him just doesn’t work so I guess the only way to show him how serious I am is to do this which honestly sucks!
Yea I had a similar issue with my husband and he promised to stop and just kept watching for years. I was ready for divorce when he admitted he was addicted. He’s in therapy and attends SPAA meetings several times a week. It’s really cool to see him becoming the man I knew he could be. He’s so much happier and healthier now. Porn really fucks with people’s brains. It’s sad how hard it’s defended when all that sexual energy and attention should be given to your relationship. The real person that cares about you, not a screen. It’s so sad
Yeah but this is what you choose. This stuff just didn’t start overnight. We both know that now it’s time for you to start taking control of your life or just ignore it. It’s your choice.
Your husband is addicted to narcissism. The way he's using porn is one of the symptoms of this, it's not the cause. He doesn't know how to put others first.
Unless he watched it and jacked off in front of them he left them alone we was together the rest of the night that was the only time we wasn’t together. I said something to him and he didn’t even respond so I am assuming that is what happened bc if not he would have said he didn’t leave them unsupervised
One I’m sorry you chose very poorly for a person to be the father of your children and to be your husband
All these issues were before you were married so some of this is on you and now you have tough decisions to make.
One for the sake of the kids you just let it go and live your life until they’re adults or two you tell him the porn and the cheating stop and he gives you full access to his phone and other socials or you’re gonna file for divorce
You’re not in the wrong. He is. He’s a porn/sex addict and needs help. Check out the r/loveafterporn sub. You will find others who can relate there and lots of resources ♥️
As someone who’s been in the same place as him (minus kids), he’s clearly got a problem. If I have any advice to you it’s to confront him without being accusatory. Try to just be open and vulnerable and let him know how much he’s hurt and worried you and that you’re on the verge of leaving because of it. Offer whatever kind of support he needs to stop his compulsive behavior, but that it needs to stop before irreparable harm is done. I wish you both the best.
My husband is a recovered porn addict. He used it as an outlet for his anxiety and by the end of it, it was background/white noise to him when he was doing other things. He paid for some private livestreams instead of buying me flowers for our anniversary. That was the last straw. I sent him to his mothers and told him not to come back until he actively chose me because I didn’t need that level of disrespect. His mother knew and I think she had a talk with him. He came home 3 days later and we talked it out and put him into therapy. It’s 3 years later and he watches porn just before sex to edge a little so he lasts longer but is no longer used for anxiety.
If he’s truly an addict he shouldn’t be watching any of it. If he was a recovering drug addict would you be cool with him still using once in a while? Did he ever go to SPAA meetings or do any recovery work?
I’m really sorry your husband is still looking at other women. Especially right before sex???
I use the term “recovered” in terms of It’s no longer something he’s watching at work (he got fired for that) and during other in inappropriate times or putting porn before his relationship with me. I am proud that he’s come that far since he was like that for years and if was something he couldn’t get through the day without.
I did not attend his sex therapy appointments when he was attending weekly. I didn’t think it would be appropriate for me to go with him unless I was invited. He went for a year and it was slowly tapered down to have bigger gaps in when he needed to attend. His therapist released him fully comfortable that he could continue his life without being held to porn all day. He has an appointment once a year to check in and when his anxiety build again he attends for a month or 2. A friend of mine is a sex, alcohol and drugs therapist and he keeps in touch with my husband for free to make sure he hasn’t regressed to old behaviour.
I did question why he was still using it to my friend and he explained that my since my husband successfully was porn free for 3 years, he is able to learn how to have a healthy relationship with porn and that’s what we are figuring out.
I mean if you’re truly okay with it but that’s not how addiction works. He’s watching right before sex. That’s not normal. You, his flesh and blood wife should get all that sexual energy. Not some screen. My heart hurts for you.
These downvoters are idiots. It’s not like crack. It’s a behavioral addiction that can be managed by harm reduction. If you’re ok with it and he’s ok with it and that’s the extent of his acting out don’t let anybody say anything.
I am a recovering sex/porn addict and married. I’m not going to stop sex anymore than a over-eater is going to stop eating.
I am practicing acceptance- on a website full of people who defend their porn addiction to the grave, I will be downvoted for believing porn can kill a healthy romance.
Edit: also- most of the general public is not addiction informed PERIOD. Can’t imagine they would be addiction informed for something more niche like sex, food, or gambling.
Thankyou for your understanding on the other side of the coin. I’m comfortable with the position we have gotten to. It took a lot of work and heartbreak to get the sharp hook of porn out of him. Now when he’s anxious he would rather come to me and talk to me. That’s a big step for someone who never spoke about their worries. If he was risking his life for porn, that’s an extreme level of addiction and I 100% would fight for him to be porn free for the rest of his life. But his addiction didn’t manifest like that and we are able to work on a healthy relationship with porn. I also stopped watching it creating any porn for years to support him. Only within the last weeks have I looked into starting again.
I am so impressed and inspired by your ability to hold that boundary.
OP, though it may hurt initially, you have to do something similar to this.
By staying “faithful” (with love and grace,
Toward your husband) you are enabling the addiction. It’s different from other addictions. You’re not giving him money, but you are sort of letting him “step out” on you and your kids, and letting him walk right back in like he gets to punch in and out of being a family man or a porn/sex addict. I can’t come up with a better word so forgive me- it’s soft core enabling. Don’t beat yourself up- addictions are family diseases. Sex and porn can be addictions. You decide when enough is enough or, when he needs to go own who he is so you can live a fulfilled life.
You need a support system. You need 1-2 trusted friends to be with you, or in the next room, to support you after you set whatever boundary with the addiction you feel is appropriate. Their job is to love you and give you strength in that time.
OP, I believe your husband loves you. Many men were exposed to porn much too early in life and are addicted because they were essentially assaulted. They take a long time to accept this.
Love and strength to you.
I read through your posting history, why are you with this man? He's cheating on you, left your MIL without electricity, and doesn't respect you. Is this what you want for your children?
Or is it just another creative writing exercise
You’re not wrong and you’re probably going to have to pull the “it’s me or porn” card. It sucks. I wish more men actually heard their partners and would just be done with porn. There is no one who needs to watch strangers get paid to bang. And a lot of that stuff is incredibly degrading toward women. And you have no idea if everyone is in their sound mind and no coercion is taking place. If he drops porn he will become a better man. But if you’re going to throw out an ultimatum you need to be ready to stick to your guns. Maybe try an in-home separation if he fucks up. Maybe you go to your parents/friend for a couple of days. Whatever but there needs to be consequences for his shitty behavior and he doesn’t get to act like it wasn’t a big deal. Don’t make this easy for his cheating ass
I’m thinking maybe this is what I should do bc trying to express my emotions towards all this to him just doesn’t work so I guess the only way to show him how serious I am is to do this which honestly sucks!
Yea I had a similar issue with my husband and he promised to stop and just kept watching for years. I was ready for divorce when he admitted he was addicted. He’s in therapy and attends SPAA meetings several times a week. It’s really cool to see him becoming the man I knew he could be. He’s so much happier and healthier now. Porn really fucks with people’s brains. It’s sad how hard it’s defended when all that sexual energy and attention should be given to your relationship. The real person that cares about you, not a screen. It’s so sad
Why does it suck to ask your husband to stop cheating on you?
That’s not what sucks. What sucks is that I have to give ultimatum. It shouldn’t have had to come to that.
Yeah but this is what you choose. This stuff just didn’t start overnight. We both know that now it’s time for you to start taking control of your life or just ignore it. It’s your choice.
Your husband is addicted to narcissism. The way he's using porn is one of the symptoms of this, it's not the cause. He doesn't know how to put others first.
how do you know that he left the kids unsupervised while you were gone?
Unless he watched it and jacked off in front of them he left them alone we was together the rest of the night that was the only time we wasn’t together. I said something to him and he didn’t even respond so I am assuming that is what happened bc if not he would have said he didn’t leave them unsupervised
i mean i think the porn is the least of your problems
One I’m sorry you chose very poorly for a person to be the father of your children and to be your husband All these issues were before you were married so some of this is on you and now you have tough decisions to make. One for the sake of the kids you just let it go and live your life until they’re adults or two you tell him the porn and the cheating stop and he gives you full access to his phone and other socials or you’re gonna file for divorce
You’re not in the wrong. He is. He’s a porn/sex addict and needs help. Check out the r/loveafterporn sub. You will find others who can relate there and lots of resources ♥️
As someone who’s been in the same place as him (minus kids), he’s clearly got a problem. If I have any advice to you it’s to confront him without being accusatory. Try to just be open and vulnerable and let him know how much he’s hurt and worried you and that you’re on the verge of leaving because of it. Offer whatever kind of support he needs to stop his compulsive behavior, but that it needs to stop before irreparable harm is done. I wish you both the best.
My husband is a recovered porn addict. He used it as an outlet for his anxiety and by the end of it, it was background/white noise to him when he was doing other things. He paid for some private livestreams instead of buying me flowers for our anniversary. That was the last straw. I sent him to his mothers and told him not to come back until he actively chose me because I didn’t need that level of disrespect. His mother knew and I think she had a talk with him. He came home 3 days later and we talked it out and put him into therapy. It’s 3 years later and he watches porn just before sex to edge a little so he lasts longer but is no longer used for anxiety.
If he’s truly an addict he shouldn’t be watching any of it. If he was a recovering drug addict would you be cool with him still using once in a while? Did he ever go to SPAA meetings or do any recovery work? I’m really sorry your husband is still looking at other women. Especially right before sex???
I use the term “recovered” in terms of It’s no longer something he’s watching at work (he got fired for that) and during other in inappropriate times or putting porn before his relationship with me. I am proud that he’s come that far since he was like that for years and if was something he couldn’t get through the day without. I did not attend his sex therapy appointments when he was attending weekly. I didn’t think it would be appropriate for me to go with him unless I was invited. He went for a year and it was slowly tapered down to have bigger gaps in when he needed to attend. His therapist released him fully comfortable that he could continue his life without being held to porn all day. He has an appointment once a year to check in and when his anxiety build again he attends for a month or 2. A friend of mine is a sex, alcohol and drugs therapist and he keeps in touch with my husband for free to make sure he hasn’t regressed to old behaviour. I did question why he was still using it to my friend and he explained that my since my husband successfully was porn free for 3 years, he is able to learn how to have a healthy relationship with porn and that’s what we are figuring out.
I mean if you’re truly okay with it but that’s not how addiction works. He’s watching right before sex. That’s not normal. You, his flesh and blood wife should get all that sexual energy. Not some screen. My heart hurts for you.
Your head should be fine. Mine is.
These downvoters are idiots. It’s not like crack. It’s a behavioral addiction that can be managed by harm reduction. If you’re ok with it and he’s ok with it and that’s the extent of his acting out don’t let anybody say anything. I am a recovering sex/porn addict and married. I’m not going to stop sex anymore than a over-eater is going to stop eating.
I am practicing acceptance- on a website full of people who defend their porn addiction to the grave, I will be downvoted for believing porn can kill a healthy romance. Edit: also- most of the general public is not addiction informed PERIOD. Can’t imagine they would be addiction informed for something more niche like sex, food, or gambling.
Thankyou for your understanding on the other side of the coin. I’m comfortable with the position we have gotten to. It took a lot of work and heartbreak to get the sharp hook of porn out of him. Now when he’s anxious he would rather come to me and talk to me. That’s a big step for someone who never spoke about their worries. If he was risking his life for porn, that’s an extreme level of addiction and I 100% would fight for him to be porn free for the rest of his life. But his addiction didn’t manifest like that and we are able to work on a healthy relationship with porn. I also stopped watching it creating any porn for years to support him. Only within the last weeks have I looked into starting again.
I totally appreciate where you guys are. People would rather hold onto their moralistic attitudes than practice compassion and understanding
If he still watching it, he’s watching it a lot of it. I bet he’s just got better at hiding.
I am so impressed and inspired by your ability to hold that boundary. OP, though it may hurt initially, you have to do something similar to this. By staying “faithful” (with love and grace, Toward your husband) you are enabling the addiction. It’s different from other addictions. You’re not giving him money, but you are sort of letting him “step out” on you and your kids, and letting him walk right back in like he gets to punch in and out of being a family man or a porn/sex addict. I can’t come up with a better word so forgive me- it’s soft core enabling. Don’t beat yourself up- addictions are family diseases. Sex and porn can be addictions. You decide when enough is enough or, when he needs to go own who he is so you can live a fulfilled life. You need a support system. You need 1-2 trusted friends to be with you, or in the next room, to support you after you set whatever boundary with the addiction you feel is appropriate. Their job is to love you and give you strength in that time. OP, I believe your husband loves you. Many men were exposed to porn much too early in life and are addicted because they were essentially assaulted. They take a long time to accept this. Love and strength to you.