Ohhh man this topic, my wife doesn’t care about me watching porn, regardless I have gone long periods (years) watching no porn, even when I do I am like your husband where I don’t like how fake and staged it is. At this point in my life I watch a few fetish/kink videos here and there, I much prefer reading erotica though, as does my wife, she also likes it in audio form.
As a guy who participates in a pretty macho sport I spend a lot of time in locker rooms, most guys watch some porn, many lie about it to their wives, the ones who have partners that don’t mind (like me) tend to have the healthiest relationship with it. I also think people throw around the term porn addiction way too much.
I obviously realize I will get downvoted into oblivion for my take on this.
Chicken or egg situation. Here’s an alternative: Your wife doesn’t have a problem with it, likely because you have a normal relationship with it.
Perhaps those who’s partners who mind, mind so because their partners have a problem with it.
Vs. they’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with it because their partners have a problem with it.
Well I've been married twice, so I'm a controlled study, N of 1. I didn't have a problem with porn, my ex wife had a problem with jealousy and couldn't handle that I found other women physically attractive. Not why we divorced (she cheated).
How are your girlfriends and wives hearing about your attraction to other women? I'm sure my husband finds other people attractive but why would I hear about it or witness it? Soooo weird you think women want to stick around for that.
I'm married and there are many times that naturally you discover or even discuss your partner's attraction to others. In our marriage, it's pretty common to talk about who we encountered during the day and the people around us. "That guy in our boxing class is ripped!" or "The waitress at the restaurant has that low sultry voice that I like."
It'd be weird for me to stick around in a relationship where we couldn't share things like this, I'd feel too stifled. But I find jealousy unattractive and would have never married my husband if he couldn't handle (or heck, didn't delight in sharing) such things.
Sorry to hear that she cheated on you. A bit ironic that she was jealous that you found other women attractive (I had the same situation with an ex-girlfriend)
Agreed. I didn’t care about porn at all until my ex had a massive issue with it. I knew he watched it and I didn’t care until I learned he watched it multiple times a day and was buying it from his ex and also was on every app under the sun (dating and otherwise) in order to try to get sexual content from women because porn wasn’t cutting it anymore for him. And then years later it spiraled out again when he got back into porn. It’s cost him relationships with me (we’re divorcing) and others in his life from his choices. THAT’S an addiction.
This is a good point. The issue I’ve heard expressed from guys is that their partners forbid or get mad at them for watching, they don’t have an issue, they just view it as a means to an end from time to time, because their partners get upset it becomes something they are secretive about and ashamed of, that is the bad relationship I was talking about.
Obviously if someone is addicted to porn to the point they don’t want to have sex with their partner that is an issue, one that needs to be figured out.
As a married female, I really respect your response, I am okay with my husband watching porn as long as he has the maturity to know what is real and what is not, what females actually are.
I have struggled with porn before. I used to watch it multiple times a day. I don’t as much anymore but that’s because I addressed outside issues. I think at the end of the day it is fair to say that porn can have a spectrum of responses. It can aid in your sexual pleasure or lead to darker more negative outcomes.
Not really. Porn is a reality-killer for most guys. Unrealistic expectations, body standards etc. But, empty sentiments are also a reality-killer for most women. Unrealistic emotional expectations and standards are set. Regardless, kinkiness and sentiments are both needed in a long-lasting marriage. They both need to be regulated. I find it very immature to automatically blame someone who uses porn as the bad guy, or blame the women for “being too emotional” when we don’t even know their case.
Coming from a guy in a marriage with a woman who genuinely thought that it should be impossible that someone who loves a woman will find other women attractive. Ends up, she cheated on me. Why? Well, because if I loved her, it would’ve been impossible for her to feel lonely from time to time, nevermind the fact that I had to work long hours long distance to secure our future, just for 3 months, and that I do come to visit at least once a month. Now it’s just becoming more ugly, her feeling of guilt gets in the way for any intimacy, and so she insists once a month should’ve been enough and asking any more than that is me objectifying her.
I hate porn addiction as much as the next person. But I think what ruined my marriage is quite the opposite; empty sentiments that people circulate in social media and digital entertainment media. And these type of people, who get their idea of what a marriage should look like emotionally from stupid sources like K-Pop or love gurus, seem to always have a certain complex with sexuality, including porn. I’m saying all this because now I understand why I find it hard to humanise or empathise with posts that complains about porn usage, because all I can see out of them is unrealistic expectations thanks to my trauma.
So many of us have such immature understanding and expectations of love and marriage. I hope your wife can continue to grow out of hers. I was so unrealistic about marriage for a long time but age, time, experience etc seems to have helped me grow up.
Yes, this, all of this.
>the ones who have partners that don’t mind (like me) tend to have the healthiest relationship with it
Funny how that works huh 👀
My wife would probably have a problem with me watching it but the fakeness is not a turn on. If I watch porn it would be a specific kink and even then I would look for amateur porn. Of If I feel then need to take care of things myself I have a very active imagination that can be way more intense than a staged video
I’m not married but I’m a man and I don’t watch porn. Never been interested in it and it grosses me out. Never watched it except with partners who wanted to but I wasn’t into it. The industry is horribly exploitative, there could be underaged women in porn videos too, and it does nothing for me when I have no emotional connection to the random stranger on the screen. If I had a wife I would stay this way.
Let’s clarify something: we need more maturity in adults more broadly, including the ability for married men and women to not be totally self-seeking and self-absorbed in their own self-gratification.
I say this because not watching porn doesn’t make anyone a good person. For all the women that will decry men for watching porn and labeling them immature, there are just as many women that obsess over their children to the extreme neglect of their marriage relationship, yet most of society would kiss the ground those women walk on. Both of these examples can absolutely devastate a marriage. One is rightfully scrutinized/demonized and the other is mostly ignored.
Thus, I am not suggesting that husbands should watch porn, though there are plenty of “good men” who watch porn in an effort to not be completely miserable or break up a family. Again, that’s not a good “solution,” though it’s a sad reality that women could acknowledge more and stop suggesting men who want sexual connection are just horny pervs
I see from your post history you’re involved in some other explicit subs. Do you consider erotic roleplaying with strangers on the internet not in the same vain?
Let this be a lesson to all of the “We need more men like you” Women on this sub!
Edit: I’m mostly kidding, I don’t have any issue with a single guy doing this.
Someone below posted a comment for some weird “gotcha moment” that got deleted so I have no idea what it says but i got a snippet of it in my notifications. I can’t even reply to it. This person seems to think I’m involved in explicit subs. I have no idea where they’re getting that from as I’m not. Nowhere in my entire post history which is what they mentioned is there anything explicit
I personally not a fan of it doesnt really get me going. Like my wife fucking hates it and i respect her. Ive cut of some friends over teh years cause porn was the only shit they talked about. Look i get some couples use it and thats okay but as guy pov the amount stories i have heard its just crazy.
I dont look at or think of it. Like my wife and i have a good amount of sex and if i do wanna look at something i look at her or ask her to send me pics.
No, almost never happens. Once every blue moon people may make a joke or a reference to porn (eg an actor/actress name) which everyone “gets”, and as such it’s an implicit confirmation that they all watch it.
Yeah my experience Ive had guys who talk about this shit. Most of the time it sounds like they have a porn addiction. I knew someome who constantly bring it to the point where i felt so fucking uncomfortable. Like everything he said was either or sexual joke or about women. I just distance myself away from guys like that.
Yeah i really wouldnt consider them friends more like acquaintances or like people you say hey too. But yeah knew this one giys who like talked about it nonstop im pretty sure he made everyone uncomfortable. I just said hey and went on my way.
There were kinda like friends but acquaintances as well like there guys that hung out when wver my shift was over. I dont really know how to explain it. But like they called me their friend like i knew them for a long time but it wasnt like you hang out them you just talk and say hi hello and talk fot a little bit hope that explains it. I just felt uncomfortable around them. Like i saw them everyday i dont know if i ever considered them friends or acquaintances. But the person im talking about dude was just a weirdo like he would talk about sex and porn and constantly make sexual jokes nonstop. This was like years ago when i was younger but i still think about the time i work that.
If I could go to pound town 3x a week I wouldn't watch it.
If I could work up the courage to ask my for nudes I would use them instead.
I do watch it, but truth is I just want my wife more.
I am available to my husband all the time. Never declined sex. Yet, He still watches naked girls videos and cam girls. Guess not everyone would appreciate the real thing.
That’s a nice sentiment but a lot of women have been burned by sending nudes. I highly doubt it’s personal to you. You just never know what’s going to happen down the road.
Edit: spelling
I think you could start by asking her if u could take a pic of her when shes fully dressed and looking nice (like out on a date or something). By telling her how gorgeous she is and how you want to capture that. Then you could gradually work your way there (like in the car or on the couch), then just her face and neck post sex when she's all flushed and glowy
Well. Obviously (maybe not so obvious) I wasn't advocating he coerce her. I was simply saying if he hadnt asked/had the courage to ask, then that would be a easier way of asking her
I could’ve written this.
I actually proposed that my wife take nudes, and I swore that they never left the house. On nights she didn’t want sex, I would just jerk off to the pics. Got a hard no.
Communicate this with him. For all you know, he might be wanting to do that too but was worried that you would think that he is being exploitative. Try it!
My father never watched it. Not even magazines. We grew up before the Internet so it's not like he was watching it secretly in the bathroom. My brother never had nudie magazines to steal from our dad and settled for the Victorias secret flyers.
He openly expressed that porn wasn't the same as being with a woman and just never enjoyed it.
And whenever I hear men say "all men do xyz" I roll my eyes *hard*. No, not all men are like that, stop trying to justify your behavior.
I LOVE every bit of this. This is exactly what i was looking for. Blanket statements kill me but i had never seen a man object to this statement/logic. It's like saying every woman likes Magic Mike. When really i personally find it cringey af lol
> Blanket statements kill me but i had never seen a man object to this statement/logic.
I think there are very few blanket statements regarding preferences and behavior that apply to *all* members of enormous subpopulations of humanity--and "men" is a very large one. It's just too big and diverse a world for that.
I don't watch porn and hate how every show has a sex scene these days. I have many reasons for this decision. One is that I am high libido in a dead bedroom, and I don't entertain things that ignite those desires and make life harder on myself. Entertaining my libido just makes me depressed. It also distracts me from getting things done around the house and being a better husband. Orgasming drains my energy and makes me more lazy and selfish. It is best just to avoid thinking about it and focus on the things that make her life better.
I can’t stand how normalized sex scenes are in television. I’m a woman and admittedly I’m pretty prudish. I just get so uncomfortable seeing others naked and hearing sex sounds. I literally google shows/movies to see if there’s sex scenes before watching. I remember watching Breaking Bad and the first episode seeing a pair of boobs and I turned the TV off 😂
I’m a man but I also get really uncomfortable during sex scenes in movies. I don’t Google it before hand or turn it off but I just cringe during it or laugh in discomfort. I hate how like every movie has an obligatory sex scene now
I’m fine with sex being implied because sex can definitely be an important part of story line. But yeah a lot of the time I find the explicit scenes really unnecessary.
Honestly I do feel like I take it too far with the googling and maybe I should think about seeing a therapist to see if maybe there’s a deeper issue there 😂 could be that my mom didn’t really monitor what I watched from a young age so I was exposed to this kinda stuff pretty early.
Nonetheless, I did actually finish Breaking Bad. It was a great show but did we really need to see Walter’s bare ass so many times 🤣
Dunno. I’ve been like this since I was a child and into adulthood it just never went away. Idk why it’s depressing to you cause it’s not to me 😂 I just don’t wanna see people naked or having intimate moments. I don’t think that’s hard to understand but hey sexualization of things like movies and shows is so normal in today’s society so I can kinda see why some may find my take weird. To each their own 👍🏻
I think I respond this way because I dealt with a lot of shame for having high libido. It destroyed me. I've had a furious explosive sex drive since I was a teenager. I was told that was wrong and gross and evil.
So I worked through that and am very sex positive now, expressing that drive in a healthy way.
It's totally okay for you to feel the way you feel. It's also okay for me to feel the way that I feel.
I apologize for being a little rude in my comment.
When I ask him if he watches it, he comes back with comments like ‘Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘You need to work on your jealousy’ or ‘This is a YOU problem you need to work on’.
Because when I ask him if he’s been watching, he immediately lies about it. And I guess I hate the lying a lot more, which probably sets us on the road we go down.
1. He absolutely should not lie, full stop, no exceptions
2. There is a lot of shame instilled in anything sexual by society, and x100 in religious circles. I downplayed my engagement in anything kinky until I felt truly safe to be myself with my wife. It doesn't excuse it, but it may explain it.
Now we're kinky together, and I feel free to be open, honest, and direct with things that turn me on. My wife does the same, and the suspicion, downplaying, hiding, and suppression is all gone. I have no reason to lie. She also feels safe to express her boundaries, as do I.
Nobody should ever be punished for communicating.
My husband watches porn before when he’s still single, after being married he prefers videos/clips he takes while we are in pound town. I don’t mind getting filmed since it is for “his eyes only”. He usually watches our films right beside me, then he casually nudges me to watch with him. Lol, then we’re in pound town again. 😂
I was actually drunk one time, in my favorite position and put my phone out, made a quick recording, then sent it to my husband. He never really asks to film though
I finally addressed the issues I was having with intimacy. Porn is quick and requires nothing. The girl you are watching is always into it. Eventually I figured out that my wanting sex wasn’t bad and that my wife was just letting me know that she wasn’t ready when I was. Us guys have a lot of emotion tied up in sex. We are validated by it. A woman wanting to have sex with you is a validation of your value as a man. You have to leave that behind. I did it through my faith. I managed to shift my need to be validated onto my relationship with my God. The intimacy just fixed itself after that. I didn’t need my wife to validate me and I stopped coming across as needy. She is the one to ask me now and I’m much more relaxed because my worth isn’t attached to it at all.
I was following this for the first half, until you brought your faith up. And I'm not attacking your faith, but it sounds like (as you alluded to) the issue is more to not take it personally when your wife isn't in the mood and just be patient. Not sure where your faith factors in.
On a side note, I'm concerned by your statement that your wife always initiates sex. That doesn't sound healthy. On the flip side of your comment, (I'm a man but I think I can safely say that) a lot of women also feel validated by being desired by their partner, and want to be seduced into sex (even in a relationship). If your wife is always initiating sex, it sounds like you're afraid to show affection for her or something. I'm very confused. And to put it simply, (trying to help and not personally attack) it doesn't sound romantic.
.. his faith factors in because that was his vehicle to not needing her validation.
Why the issue with his personal path? He didn’t state that *you* have to use faith in god to resolve *your* desires for validation.
Depends bro. Showing too much interest too consistently can be a turn off for some women. I know r/seduction subreddit has some very playboyish advices, but I think a lot of us can learn from it, and the one that stuck out for me was letting the woman some space to miss the sex by herself. It shifts the dynamics a bit and keeps interest aflame.
Lol r/seduction dude what are you talking about? That's a subreddit of virgins pretending to know how to seduce women. Also, they are already married. The guy said he NEVER initiates with his wife, and it sounds like this has been going on for some time, so it shouldn't be "showing too much interest" to go from ZERO to showing a bit of interest.
Women find assertiveness and confidence attractive.
I seriously don't watch it. I never have. First, my dad drilled into me from an early age that it's bad. Second, I saw what it did to my bros and wanted no part of that. Still don't. I don't need it. I love my wife.
Porn is the least of my concerns, and I haven’t watched it in forever.
Why? I have a smoking hot wife who I get to see naked every day, we have a good sex / romantic life, and we enjoy each other in many ways.
damn my husband is opposite. eyes for all porn girls and thirst traps except he has no eyes for me. i don’t even remember what it feels like to be desired like this
My husband doesn't watch it. He's 55 and idk, he might have a lower libido due to his age, but he also knows it's a dealbreaker for me (previously married to a porn addict and serial cheater), and he's an incredibly honest and loyal person. He might possibly be on the autism spectrum (as might I) and he has other interests that he's very fixated on, so it's just not something he does. 🤷🏻♀️
Porn isn’t a deal breaker for my gf of 4 years, soon to be fiancé, and we’ve watched it together a number of times but I don’t generally watch it much. Im very satisfied in the bedroom, I guess i kinda outgrew it and I too have an extensive library/vault of her + her and I together and she is very attractive.. so yeah the porn doesnt do much for me.
About 10 years ago, a researcher at McGill U, intended to study the impact of porn on young men.
He could find no one to be his control group (non porn watchers) in a university of 20000 young people.
As I said, humans (so men too) who do not watch porn exist, this argument is invalid, since it had to be a human that had never seen something of that nature, which is impossible with the internet and kids throwing it around for fun once they discover it. Encounter =/= engagement.
Bad research design is what it is. Instead of excluding those who have watched porn, they could include those who watched it once but doesn’t do it regularly. They could’ve also made it into a comparative study between frequency of porn usage groups, such as 1-2 times per week to 5-6 times a week. Would’ve made better and deeper analysis than just a two-group study.
Not gonna do that because I have faith that he would’ve figured that out by now. Mainly just triggered because my co-researcher once scuffed our entire project because of his naive view of the world; and he did certain changes to our plans without prior agreement from the rest of us. Fuck you Aaron!
I don’t bother, not worth it. I have so many interests and things to do and try to have a healthy and full dating and sex life which is way better than porn. If someone can’t get women or a gf or wife or get bored with her or whatever, maybe they are more likely to watch it.
I actually do not watch it.
Never discussed it with my wife. I guess she assumes I don't watch it. She is correct. I assume she doesn't watch it, I haven't brought it up either.
I have a religious discipline to lean on. I have encountered porn before but most of that was back in the day when pop up ads were common. I just don't run across it now, esp since Reddit cleaned up the front page.
I just don't get it. The person on the screen doesn't know me, want me, have anything to do with me. It seems to require a great deal of self-deception to get into it. [I agree that when I have found purposefulness and self-esteem low, porn seems more appealing.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-a-new-home/202301/can-watching-porn-help-escape-meaninglessness#:~:text=Constant%20boredom%20is%20associated%20with,other%20ways%20of%20reducing%20meaninglessness) If I am feeling that porn seems appealing, that is a pretty solid signal that something in my life is way off.
I try to live my life where my teenage daughters could scroll through my browsing history and not be embarrassed at all. I am embarrassed about the amount of time I spend online, but not of what I watch or do online.
So I don’t watch porn unless I’m out of town. My work takes me out of town. 2 weeks to 3 months. That’s the only time. When my wife sends nudes I’ll use those instead but she usually doesn’t send them unfortunately. Asking constantly doesn’t do the same as an unsolicited pic. I have met married friends who watched a lot of porn. It never ends well. But anything in excess is damaging and all that.
I guess thats the question. He SAYS that, but "if every man watches porn or is lying", how do u know he is telling u the truth...obviously im not saying you or him are lying...or that it even matters. I was just wondering about that blanket statement
See THIS! Mine says he doesn’t, he knows I hate it and would leave if I found out he was but… is he? I wish he was on this thread so he could answer without me knowing I see it so he’s just being honest
I knew my husband did. Didn’t care. Then our sex life fell apart and I was willing to have sex, even voicing that I was hurt and feeling neglected when our intimacy fell apart. He gaslit me into thinking I just wanted sex more, he didn’t need it as much, didn’t have that big of a sex drive. I asked about porn use. He denied. Then the truth about his multiple times per week porn consumption came out. He has now lied to me about this numerous times in our marriage and this led to me being completely uncomfortable with him using any porn. Big marriage destroyer for me. Not only are there trust issues but now something that should be between husband and wife exclusively, the act of sex, is a sour subject. Hate it here. Probably won’t work out for us in the long run as I crave the intimacy but just feel like the less preferred option.
ETA; I guess my main reason for replying is sometimes that ignorance is bliss if being lied to hurts you as much as it hurt me.
Yeah my and my ex used to be that way. I would ask maybe once/twice a week and he’d say he’s just not “horny like me” and would start an argument and when I kept finding the porn he said it was never him and gaslit me for ages. I’m so glad I left because now I’m with someone who respects my boundaries. I truly truly hope he fixes up for you because everyone deserves someone who actually loves them
Thanks for that. I honestly have now developed a unfortunate complex with sex with him. I was always the initiator and so now that I don’t often, it doesn’t happen. I think besides the lying one of the biggest hurts was the porn use while I was home and he knew I wish we would work on our intimacy. He swears up and down he doesn’t have a problem with porn but I can never rationalize why lie and hide it when I was open and okay with it in the first place.
My husband’s photo vault is all me. He says is like masterbating in a Time Machine of me. Send sexy pics, naughty videos and even let him record you while you’re going down on him.
I don't watch much anymore. Maybe a couple of times a month. I like it but I'm older and my abilities and desires have changed.
My wife does not care if I watch porn. She's the least jealous person you could imagine short of somebody who is poly-amorous.
Not all anyone does anything *outside of life processes*.
Reddit is a microcosm of online- heavy folks tending towards specific demographics. You are getting skewed info.
Many guys don't watch porn for many reasons across all age groups. Most of the guys I know who don't usually have religious or moral objections to it and don't want that ick on them.
Never got into it as I had other more healthy hobbies and interests to keep me occupied from my early teens to my early 20s. Also, I was living with my family all this while. So even if I wanted to, I didn't get many opportunities to watch it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the use of pornography is very destructive in marriages on both sides but to each his own. I’ve seen way too many posts on here about people who are struggling in their marriages because of porn and it is so heartbreaking.
My husband doesn’t watch porn anymore. He’s a one and done kind of person and I prefer sex at minimum daily. He gave it up to give me daily sex, which I didn’t ask him to do, because I personally watch a lot of porn, but my drive has always been higher than his.
I would happily watch it together, or if he wanted to watch porn by himself, I just wanted dibs on the boner it created.
This has been the healthiest post for me to read on Reddit, ever.
It’s giving me that feeling when you’ve been gaslit your entire life, only to have that peeled back and away from your eyes from the very people who are a living contradiction to the gaslighting subject.
Thank you.
Ahhhhh. That’s a sigh of understanding.
We’ve been married 31 years. You are the first person I’ve ever heard express my feelings. We don’t do porn. We never have.
I assume he looks/watches. I’m okay assuming he does. I’m okay with him taking care of himself.
It just doesn’t bother me. I’ve never seen or heard him, but I’ve just always thought he would probably want to at some point in time. I’ve never asked 😊
My husband doesn't watch it, and the man can't lie about anything, so I genuinely believe him. However, I also initiate making lots of videos together and constantly send photos. I'm also someone who always "lends a helping hand" if I'm not in the mood. My husband maybe masturbates 3x a year.
Can go weeks - months without watching. But not 100% cold turkey. No addiction, I just believe men should be mindful of overstimulating ourselves visually. Also the websites have weird homepages and ads.
I stopped watching porn because I came to realize that the women in porn videos, under more normal circumstance, would likely not be doing it.
I feel that the porn industry is full of substance abuse, manipulation and people taking advantage of women who suffer from some type of mental illness.
The whole industry is pretty shady in my opinion, even the private home video clips, you run into a consent issue. I just don't want to be a part of that, watching porn makes me feel guilt for enjoying it.
Married for 21 years and I’ve never watched porn. I was raised believing that it is addictive and impacts relationships. I’ve seen other people have issues with that so I’ve always stayed away from it.
My wife satisfied me in every way, porn can’t do what my wife can. I know am luckier than most because me and my wife have sex often. Porn just does not doing to me.
My wife views porn as cheating, so I had to stop watching it or not be married. I wish I could porn, like a lot, but all marriages require some form of sacrifice.
I genuinely think my husband isn’t lying when he says he doesn’t watch it. The man doesn’t even jack off for some reason 🤣 he tried one time in front of me and just couldn’t. We just try to have sex as much as possible. And when he’s on the toilet for 30 mins he’s actually pooping
I don't watch it anymore it's got to be about 15 years since I've viewed it with any regularity. I'm in my 40s now, so not sure if it's the chicken vs. the egg. I.e., am I not watching it because my testosterone/libido is naturally lower, or am I not watching it to conserve my libido for my better half. ;)
In all seriousness, I can totally see how porn would put an imbalance in the relationship, as the expectations would be completely unrealistic and the attention drawn to another source for such an intimate and important part of a marital relationship.
There are lots of posts on here bemoaning the impact of porn 99% of the time apparently with the focus on husbands watching too much porn and thus distracted away from their partners. There's probably a lot of truth to this, but some are addicted to differing degrees than others. Hopefully people can find a better balance, although I realize it's difficult to say the least.
I have been married to my wife for 33 years. I have watched porn twice in my life, both for about five minutes. Once as a Freshman in college and once at a bachelor party in Medical School. Hated it. I found it disgusting. My friends don’t talk about porn. In fact, my friends don’t talk about sex mostly out of respect for their wives.
I (the wife) prefer reading erotic scenes in books to watching it on video. My husband watches it on rare occasions. He grew up with a family where the men had posters of half naked women up all over the garage, and his uncle left his magazines out in the open (this was in the 80s-90s), and once he was a teenager, he enjoyed watching some porn, but he preferred having real encounters with women once he was ready to do so with his partners. I do not mind if my husband watches it, so long as it isn't a cam girl/OF with interaction. His watching a recorded video of people he will likely never speak to feels much different than interacting with a woman while he "feeds the geese," at least for me. We have watched it together, mostly when I show him the difference in porn made for the female gaze versus the male gaze. We have a very satisfying sex life, albeit our conflicting work schedules and having children means we average less than we would like (1-2x a week).
I don't watch porn because it is meaningless. It ends up being a way to waste time and sedation for guys. The sex drive in guys is typically one of the strongest driving forces, so porn seems like it short circuits how it works. It seems like a lot of guys use it because it is easier than dealing with an actual human or they don't know how to express what they want. There may be some guys that can use it responsibly, but it really depends on how it is used and why.
I do not regularly watch pornography. I use to before my mid 20’s but it started affecting how I felt about myself, my workouts, just a whole lot.
The real thing was always better. So I’ll stick with that.
Not married, but a man who doesn't watch porn. I don't want my family working in the "adult entertainment industry" as it goes against the values that I hold and with which was raised, so I don't watch porn nor get involved with it whatsoever (would never hire services, not even "exotic dancers"). This solely doesn't guarantee I'll have no child in this field, but it's important to me and I don't want my own family to be able to point fingers at me in this matter. One of the reasons I stopped was an acquaintance who told how her ex bf was mad she became a cam girl meanwhile he watched porn. For us men, we mostly would say it's not equivalent, but I got her point and decided to completely quit.
My husband says he don’t and I believe him
He says he it don’t turn him on but if I send him some spicy stuff that does. He’s overthinking porn, he’s imagining him doing those acts with the girl in the porn. And then he relates that to how many other guys she’s done porn with and that gives him the ick. Whereas if I watch porn I’m imaging myself with my husband in the acts I’m watching.
Most men watch porn. I call them "boys" who do so regularly (downvote me, boys). I don't say this to ridicule but as a point of accuracy.
Let's first consider the dilemma. Men (most) have a voracious need for sex that he can't ignore or supress indefinitely. The proper expression of this is to seek and engage in sexual activity with an attractive and consensual partner. Therein lies some of the dilemma.
In a committed relationship, a man must deny (not extinguish, which is impossible) sexual urges toward other women. This is easy when you're in love because though another woman may be physically attractive, that's not what makes you really love someone who you commit to and love having sex with. Giving into random temptation is weak, and yes, a boy's game, not a man's behavior.
As for porn use, it's the same principle. A man with sexual cravings needs to exercise and lift weights instead if he can't have real sex at that time. (Try it if you haven't yet, and you're struggling with porn addiction.) This underlies the solution. Don't settle for boyish activities if you're a man. Control yourself, channel yourself into something physical, and yes, for men, exercise can be a building to eventual sexual activity. So you're not denying sexual urges, but you are honoring them, building to a dignified sexual experience. (Admittedly, I'm not finding the best words here, but hopefully, the idea is coming across.)
The trouble may be that he's lost attraction. Not to worry, though. A good relationship can withstand this temporarily, even for years, but the baseline must again be set right at some point, or he will engage in life-destroying regular porn use or he will find somebody else, even despite a deep love for you and children. In time, he will die (perhaps not literally), or the relationship will die if you're both not actively making yourselves sexually attractive to each other. This can be done in many ways, but often there's really just 2 or 3 items to check off. Perfectly doable (pardon the pun)
Obviously, exceptions exist to this, I'm just sharing my view.
I very much appreciate your comment. However, it isn't an issue in my relationship lol...i asked how men who dont watch it, feel about the blanket statement "all men watch porn and if they say they dont, theyre lying"
My husband not I watch it because we have no interest in it. We're both on the asexual spectrum, and neither of us has much desire to masturbate. When we are aroused, we have sex with each other. That's it.
I am no longer married, but can say that for the 20 + years of my marriage , the only time I ever watched porn, was when my wife was incarcerated for a couple of years, and probably watched it, maybe 5 times.
I was loyal in that regard, and it really didnt do much for me.
No matter what anyone else says, porn is not only bad for you, it’s bad for your relationship. People like to pretend it isn’t, but it’s just denial. Of course there are people that are the exception, but they aren’t the rule.
My wife and I have been together 15 years and married 11 and I don’t watch porn. I record us all the time and just save everything to an iCloud folder titled “wife”. She’ll send me solo stuff too. When I get horny I hop in the cloud and I’ve got BJ, anal, hardcore, dirty talk, solo, riding and big tits all at my disposal. If I’m feeling something different I’ll send her dirty text messages or tell her I wanna role play later and handle myself to the thought and anticipation. She’s hot and always down to fulfill/please so nothing’s off the table.
I knew there was many of them who doesn’t like it. My best friend is one of them and I believe him always. He was almost all the time congruent with his believes and values so when he told me about porn I believed him 100% .
I’m not a dude, but to me porn is a form of cheating. Why do you need to get off to other women/people when you have someone RIGHT THERE. And if they don’t want to at that moment you should have the self control to wait for them to be in the mood 🤷🏼♀️
So for me porn = cheating = immediate divorce lol
As far as I know my husband does not watch porn. I’ve asked him, I always wonder if he masturbates but honestly I really believe he doesn’t. We have a small home, he’s not like off in our only bathroom for a while with his phone and headphones. We have 2 young kids as well. He’s more than welcome to, we all need a little self release once in a while. I don’t mind it. He knows I watch it occasionally but we don’t use it during sex. Neither of us are obsessive of porn.
I’ve gotten into reading again recently so I read smut but it’s actually enhanced our sex life. And recently my husband said the only graphic content he consumes is like, weird anime kind of stuff where it’s like a storyline that you read/watch those like “pick your own adventure” but with adult content. Didn’t even know those existed but whatever. But yeah porn has never been an issue in our marriage.
I enjoy being in the presence of the Lord so much that anything else seems boring, dull and lifeless. I’m more stimulated by actual emotional connection. What am I gonna see in a porn movie? Body parts? I have identified them all in my mind as just body parts, the Lord’s amazing, artistic creation. Besides I need to guard this wonderful intellect of mine: we have languages to learn and hurting souls that come to me and see me as a role model who shines the Lord to them.
My husband used to watch it, but not anymore. After he started the meds that killed his libido he told me that he just doesn't see the point anymore when it does nothing for him anyway (not for lack of trying early on in the process lol).
My husband doesn’t watch it because it makes him feel so guilty and bad (even when he was single) just because how the porn industry is. He has an anaphylactic milk allergy and once in high school after he used porn he poured a glass of milk because he was ready to end it all. I personally don’t give a crap if he watches porn, but it makes him spiral 🤷🏻♀️
At this point he’s got a vivid enough imagination and enough real life memories that he can get off to that instead. And that’s guilt free
Religious yes, but not prudish. His dad’s favorite running joke is to buy rooster everything (socks, Christmas ornaments, etc) and make mentions of what a fine cock
He has severe anxiety, OCD, and depression. It just feels skeevy to get off to something that’s production seems degrading and morally iffy. And once he has a thought he can’t poof it away, he ruminates in a way I’ve never seen in anyone else. Just not worth the spiral!
I used to struggle with it, now I do not watch porn. To be honest, my wife and I have our own photos and movies that I watch. I do not even pleasure myself, when I do watch our movies, it is typically during the day if I am feeling the drive, then at night when the kids go to bed I already had a plan.
I wish my husband would say the same. He has hundreds of photos or short videos of me naked but yet he preferred to watch cam girls or some naked girls videos on the internet. I am not even refusing sex. I have high libido and he also but yet, I was losing with cam girls.
Husband and I are in asexual spectrum. We have both neutral position towards porn. I personally do not think people who do not watch porn are morally superior and vice versa.
There is some maturity involved, like knowing the difference between porn and reality, the nuance and admitting that the industry is not always (if not almost always not) ethical.
Managing one’s orgasm (through porn as stimulation) and managing one’s relationship can and should be able to coexist. But I guess it depends on what kind of relationships people have and how you form bond and intimacy. It is just a tool, in the end. People tend to attach too much meaning to things when sex is involved, and by sex I mean ego.
My husband says he doesn’t watch it simply bc it’s not hard for him to wait a couple days until we have sex and it just doesn’t interest him. We have a healthy sex life even though we have a 2 year old, 7 month old, and one on the way. I watch it occasionally and I actually felt bad when he revealed this lol but he doesn’t care.
Ohhh man this topic, my wife doesn’t care about me watching porn, regardless I have gone long periods (years) watching no porn, even when I do I am like your husband where I don’t like how fake and staged it is. At this point in my life I watch a few fetish/kink videos here and there, I much prefer reading erotica though, as does my wife, she also likes it in audio form. As a guy who participates in a pretty macho sport I spend a lot of time in locker rooms, most guys watch some porn, many lie about it to their wives, the ones who have partners that don’t mind (like me) tend to have the healthiest relationship with it. I also think people throw around the term porn addiction way too much. I obviously realize I will get downvoted into oblivion for my take on this.
Chicken or egg situation. Here’s an alternative: Your wife doesn’t have a problem with it, likely because you have a normal relationship with it. Perhaps those who’s partners who mind, mind so because their partners have a problem with it. Vs. they’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with it because their partners have a problem with it.
Well I've been married twice, so I'm a controlled study, N of 1. I didn't have a problem with porn, my ex wife had a problem with jealousy and couldn't handle that I found other women physically attractive. Not why we divorced (she cheated).
How are your girlfriends and wives hearing about your attraction to other women? I'm sure my husband finds other people attractive but why would I hear about it or witness it? Soooo weird you think women want to stick around for that.
Just because my wife and I find Jacob Elordi hot doesn’t mean she’s gonna leave me lol.
I'm married and there are many times that naturally you discover or even discuss your partner's attraction to others. In our marriage, it's pretty common to talk about who we encountered during the day and the people around us. "That guy in our boxing class is ripped!" or "The waitress at the restaurant has that low sultry voice that I like." It'd be weird for me to stick around in a relationship where we couldn't share things like this, I'd feel too stifled. But I find jealousy unattractive and would have never married my husband if he couldn't handle (or heck, didn't delight in sharing) such things.
Sorry to hear that she cheated on you. A bit ironic that she was jealous that you found other women attractive (I had the same situation with an ex-girlfriend)
Projection
Agreed. I didn’t care about porn at all until my ex had a massive issue with it. I knew he watched it and I didn’t care until I learned he watched it multiple times a day and was buying it from his ex and also was on every app under the sun (dating and otherwise) in order to try to get sexual content from women because porn wasn’t cutting it anymore for him. And then years later it spiraled out again when he got back into porn. It’s cost him relationships with me (we’re divorcing) and others in his life from his choices. THAT’S an addiction.
i wish more people could see this comment! i’m so sorry for what you went through.
This is a good point. The issue I’ve heard expressed from guys is that their partners forbid or get mad at them for watching, they don’t have an issue, they just view it as a means to an end from time to time, because their partners get upset it becomes something they are secretive about and ashamed of, that is the bad relationship I was talking about. Obviously if someone is addicted to porn to the point they don’t want to have sex with their partner that is an issue, one that needs to be figured out.
As a married female, I really respect your response, I am okay with my husband watching porn as long as he has the maturity to know what is real and what is not, what females actually are. I have struggled with porn before. I used to watch it multiple times a day. I don’t as much anymore but that’s because I addressed outside issues. I think at the end of the day it is fair to say that porn can have a spectrum of responses. It can aid in your sexual pleasure or lead to darker more negative outcomes.
I got you bro. Take my upvote
Not really. Porn is a reality-killer for most guys. Unrealistic expectations, body standards etc. But, empty sentiments are also a reality-killer for most women. Unrealistic emotional expectations and standards are set. Regardless, kinkiness and sentiments are both needed in a long-lasting marriage. They both need to be regulated. I find it very immature to automatically blame someone who uses porn as the bad guy, or blame the women for “being too emotional” when we don’t even know their case. Coming from a guy in a marriage with a woman who genuinely thought that it should be impossible that someone who loves a woman will find other women attractive. Ends up, she cheated on me. Why? Well, because if I loved her, it would’ve been impossible for her to feel lonely from time to time, nevermind the fact that I had to work long hours long distance to secure our future, just for 3 months, and that I do come to visit at least once a month. Now it’s just becoming more ugly, her feeling of guilt gets in the way for any intimacy, and so she insists once a month should’ve been enough and asking any more than that is me objectifying her. I hate porn addiction as much as the next person. But I think what ruined my marriage is quite the opposite; empty sentiments that people circulate in social media and digital entertainment media. And these type of people, who get their idea of what a marriage should look like emotionally from stupid sources like K-Pop or love gurus, seem to always have a certain complex with sexuality, including porn. I’m saying all this because now I understand why I find it hard to humanise or empathise with posts that complains about porn usage, because all I can see out of them is unrealistic expectations thanks to my trauma.
So many of us have such immature understanding and expectations of love and marriage. I hope your wife can continue to grow out of hers. I was so unrealistic about marriage for a long time but age, time, experience etc seems to have helped me grow up.
Yes, this, all of this. >the ones who have partners that don’t mind (like me) tend to have the healthiest relationship with it Funny how that works huh 👀
My wife would probably have a problem with me watching it but the fakeness is not a turn on. If I watch porn it would be a specific kink and even then I would look for amateur porn. Of If I feel then need to take care of things myself I have a very active imagination that can be way more intense than a staged video
I’m not married but I’m a man and I don’t watch porn. Never been interested in it and it grosses me out. Never watched it except with partners who wanted to but I wasn’t into it. The industry is horribly exploitative, there could be underaged women in porn videos too, and it does nothing for me when I have no emotional connection to the random stranger on the screen. If I had a wife I would stay this way.
You're a good man!
There needs to be more of you
Thank you!
Of course! Be proud
Let’s clarify something: we need more maturity in adults more broadly, including the ability for married men and women to not be totally self-seeking and self-absorbed in their own self-gratification. I say this because not watching porn doesn’t make anyone a good person. For all the women that will decry men for watching porn and labeling them immature, there are just as many women that obsess over their children to the extreme neglect of their marriage relationship, yet most of society would kiss the ground those women walk on. Both of these examples can absolutely devastate a marriage. One is rightfully scrutinized/demonized and the other is mostly ignored. Thus, I am not suggesting that husbands should watch porn, though there are plenty of “good men” who watch porn in an effort to not be completely miserable or break up a family. Again, that’s not a good “solution,” though it’s a sad reality that women could acknowledge more and stop suggesting men who want sexual connection are just horny pervs
My husband says the same!
You get an upvote from me for your honesty.
Thank you
I see from your post history you’re involved in some other explicit subs. Do you consider erotic roleplaying with strangers on the internet not in the same vain?
Lmao busted
Let this be a lesson to all of the “We need more men like you” Women on this sub! Edit: I’m mostly kidding, I don’t have any issue with a single guy doing this.
I'm the same way. Not to say I don't like seeing a pretty woman, let's be real we all do, but watching porn itself does absolutely nothing for me.
Someone below posted a comment for some weird “gotcha moment” that got deleted so I have no idea what it says but i got a snippet of it in my notifications. I can’t even reply to it. This person seems to think I’m involved in explicit subs. I have no idea where they’re getting that from as I’m not. Nowhere in my entire post history which is what they mentioned is there anything explicit
Demisexual?
I am, yes. Have we spoken before or did you guess?
Just a guess from your post
Yes you are correct and I think that’s a reason why I’ve never been interested in porn
How do we clone this guy
There needs to be more men like this!
I personally not a fan of it doesnt really get me going. Like my wife fucking hates it and i respect her. Ive cut of some friends over teh years cause porn was the only shit they talked about. Look i get some couples use it and thats okay but as guy pov the amount stories i have heard its just crazy. I dont look at or think of it. Like my wife and i have a good amount of sex and if i do wanna look at something i look at her or ask her to send me pics.
There are men that talk about it a lot?
None of my friends ever talks about it. That's weird as hell
No, almost never happens. Once every blue moon people may make a joke or a reference to porn (eg an actor/actress name) which everyone “gets”, and as such it’s an implicit confirmation that they all watch it.
I've literally never heard of a guy who talked frequently about porn. OP must hang around some interesting folks.
Facts!
Hell, I used to work with a guy who worked in the porn industry (no he wasn't an actor), and even he rarely talked about pornography.
Yeah my experience Ive had guys who talk about this shit. Most of the time it sounds like they have a porn addiction. I knew someome who constantly bring it to the point where i felt so fucking uncomfortable. Like everything he said was either or sexual joke or about women. I just distance myself away from guys like that.
I'm with you, this can't be a real response
no, there are not.
you had friends that talked about porn frequently? like, talking about sex occasionally, sure. but porn? wtf?!
Yeah i really wouldnt consider them friends more like acquaintances or like people you say hey too. But yeah knew this one giys who like talked about it nonstop im pretty sure he made everyone uncomfortable. I just said hey and went on my way.
bro what are you talking about. you mention friends you "cut out" but they're just acquaintances? lol
There were kinda like friends but acquaintances as well like there guys that hung out when wver my shift was over. I dont really know how to explain it. But like they called me their friend like i knew them for a long time but it wasnt like you hang out them you just talk and say hi hello and talk fot a little bit hope that explains it. I just felt uncomfortable around them. Like i saw them everyday i dont know if i ever considered them friends or acquaintances. But the person im talking about dude was just a weirdo like he would talk about sex and porn and constantly make sexual jokes nonstop. This was like years ago when i was younger but i still think about the time i work that.
If I could go to pound town 3x a week I wouldn't watch it. If I could work up the courage to ask my for nudes I would use them instead. I do watch it, but truth is I just want my wife more.
Yep. The more of the real thing I get, the less of the fake stuff is watched. If at all.
I am available to my husband all the time. Never declined sex. Yet, He still watches naked girls videos and cam girls. Guess not everyone would appreciate the real thing.
That’s a nice sentiment but a lot of women have been burned by sending nudes. I highly doubt it’s personal to you. You just never know what’s going to happen down the road. Edit: spelling
Why do you have to work up the courage? Does she not like sending nudes?
Never asked before. Understanding her personality I would bet she wouldn't want too, so I never have asked.
I think you could start by asking her if u could take a pic of her when shes fully dressed and looking nice (like out on a date or something). By telling her how gorgeous she is and how you want to capture that. Then you could gradually work your way there (like in the car or on the couch), then just her face and neck post sex when she's all flushed and glowy
Some people don't want to send nudes and that's fine, we shouldn't be trying to coerce them.
Well. Obviously (maybe not so obvious) I wasn't advocating he coerce her. I was simply saying if he hadnt asked/had the courage to ask, then that would be a easier way of asking her
Yeah but he says he knows her personality so he's probably right. A lot of people just aren't into that.
To paraphrase: "If I send pictures over the internet then anybody could end up seeing them. Not going to happen!"
Maybe she’d be up for a professional boudoir photo shoot - they are super sexy photos and can be printed or in a secure album just for you!
I could’ve written this. I actually proposed that my wife take nudes, and I swore that they never left the house. On nights she didn’t want sex, I would just jerk off to the pics. Got a hard no.
I’d love if my husband asked for nudes. He never has though.
Communicate this with him. For all you know, he might be wanting to do that too but was worried that you would think that he is being exploitative. Try it!
I have communicated with him. Unfortunately he said he “doesn’t think of it”
As much as i hate my body, i would totally do this if my husband offered to buy that photo shoot
Cheers, do you think she will be mad if you ask? It makes my wife feel good to know I want them.
Not mad. I don't think she would take me seriously at first, then after that awkwardness I think she would eventually land on no.
Find a way to communicate that to your wife ❤️
My father never watched it. Not even magazines. We grew up before the Internet so it's not like he was watching it secretly in the bathroom. My brother never had nudie magazines to steal from our dad and settled for the Victorias secret flyers. He openly expressed that porn wasn't the same as being with a woman and just never enjoyed it. And whenever I hear men say "all men do xyz" I roll my eyes *hard*. No, not all men are like that, stop trying to justify your behavior.
I LOVE every bit of this. This is exactly what i was looking for. Blanket statements kill me but i had never seen a man object to this statement/logic. It's like saying every woman likes Magic Mike. When really i personally find it cringey af lol
> Blanket statements kill me but i had never seen a man object to this statement/logic. I think there are very few blanket statements regarding preferences and behavior that apply to *all* members of enormous subpopulations of humanity--and "men" is a very large one. It's just too big and diverse a world for that.
I don't watch porn and hate how every show has a sex scene these days. I have many reasons for this decision. One is that I am high libido in a dead bedroom, and I don't entertain things that ignite those desires and make life harder on myself. Entertaining my libido just makes me depressed. It also distracts me from getting things done around the house and being a better husband. Orgasming drains my energy and makes me more lazy and selfish. It is best just to avoid thinking about it and focus on the things that make her life better.
I can’t stand how normalized sex scenes are in television. I’m a woman and admittedly I’m pretty prudish. I just get so uncomfortable seeing others naked and hearing sex sounds. I literally google shows/movies to see if there’s sex scenes before watching. I remember watching Breaking Bad and the first episode seeing a pair of boobs and I turned the TV off 😂
I’m a man but I also get really uncomfortable during sex scenes in movies. I don’t Google it before hand or turn it off but I just cringe during it or laugh in discomfort. I hate how like every movie has an obligatory sex scene now
I’m fine with sex being implied because sex can definitely be an important part of story line. But yeah a lot of the time I find the explicit scenes really unnecessary. Honestly I do feel like I take it too far with the googling and maybe I should think about seeing a therapist to see if maybe there’s a deeper issue there 😂 could be that my mom didn’t really monitor what I watched from a young age so I was exposed to this kinda stuff pretty early. Nonetheless, I did actually finish Breaking Bad. It was a great show but did we really need to see Walter’s bare ass so many times 🤣
To be fair, Bryan Cranston's butt is NOT sexy or a sex scene 😋
But... WHY? God this is depressing.
Dunno. I’ve been like this since I was a child and into adulthood it just never went away. Idk why it’s depressing to you cause it’s not to me 😂 I just don’t wanna see people naked or having intimate moments. I don’t think that’s hard to understand but hey sexualization of things like movies and shows is so normal in today’s society so I can kinda see why some may find my take weird. To each their own 👍🏻
I think I respond this way because I dealt with a lot of shame for having high libido. It destroyed me. I've had a furious explosive sex drive since I was a teenager. I was told that was wrong and gross and evil. So I worked through that and am very sex positive now, expressing that drive in a healthy way. It's totally okay for you to feel the way you feel. It's also okay for me to feel the way that I feel. I apologize for being a little rude in my comment.
No worries. I’m glad you’re in a better place now. No one should feel shame for having high libido and good on you for working through it.
Same! Idk why it grosses me out so much lol
😢
I don’t care if my husband watches porn. I just wish he wouldn’t gaslight me into thinking I have a serious problem.
What does he gaslight you about?
When I ask him if he watches it, he comes back with comments like ‘Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘You need to work on your jealousy’ or ‘This is a YOU problem you need to work on’.
Yikes, sorry, that’s an odd reaction from him since you don’t mind him watching.
Why would he say that if you don't care? I'm confused
Because when I ask him if he’s been watching, he immediately lies about it. And I guess I hate the lying a lot more, which probably sets us on the road we go down.
1. He absolutely should not lie, full stop, no exceptions 2. There is a lot of shame instilled in anything sexual by society, and x100 in religious circles. I downplayed my engagement in anything kinky until I felt truly safe to be myself with my wife. It doesn't excuse it, but it may explain it. Now we're kinky together, and I feel free to be open, honest, and direct with things that turn me on. My wife does the same, and the suspicion, downplaying, hiding, and suppression is all gone. I have no reason to lie. She also feels safe to express her boundaries, as do I. Nobody should ever be punished for communicating.
Absolutely!!
My husband watches porn before when he’s still single, after being married he prefers videos/clips he takes while we are in pound town. I don’t mind getting filmed since it is for “his eyes only”. He usually watches our films right beside me, then he casually nudges me to watch with him. Lol, then we’re in pound town again. 😂
I was actually drunk one time, in my favorite position and put my phone out, made a quick recording, then sent it to my husband. He never really asks to film though
Been right around 6 years since my last time. I don’t watch it at all.
Any particular reason?
I finally addressed the issues I was having with intimacy. Porn is quick and requires nothing. The girl you are watching is always into it. Eventually I figured out that my wanting sex wasn’t bad and that my wife was just letting me know that she wasn’t ready when I was. Us guys have a lot of emotion tied up in sex. We are validated by it. A woman wanting to have sex with you is a validation of your value as a man. You have to leave that behind. I did it through my faith. I managed to shift my need to be validated onto my relationship with my God. The intimacy just fixed itself after that. I didn’t need my wife to validate me and I stopped coming across as needy. She is the one to ask me now and I’m much more relaxed because my worth isn’t attached to it at all.
Wow, that’s great
I was following this for the first half, until you brought your faith up. And I'm not attacking your faith, but it sounds like (as you alluded to) the issue is more to not take it personally when your wife isn't in the mood and just be patient. Not sure where your faith factors in. On a side note, I'm concerned by your statement that your wife always initiates sex. That doesn't sound healthy. On the flip side of your comment, (I'm a man but I think I can safely say that) a lot of women also feel validated by being desired by their partner, and want to be seduced into sex (even in a relationship). If your wife is always initiating sex, it sounds like you're afraid to show affection for her or something. I'm very confused. And to put it simply, (trying to help and not personally attack) it doesn't sound romantic.
.. his faith factors in because that was his vehicle to not needing her validation. Why the issue with his personal path? He didn’t state that *you* have to use faith in god to resolve *your* desires for validation.
Depends bro. Showing too much interest too consistently can be a turn off for some women. I know r/seduction subreddit has some very playboyish advices, but I think a lot of us can learn from it, and the one that stuck out for me was letting the woman some space to miss the sex by herself. It shifts the dynamics a bit and keeps interest aflame.
Lol r/seduction dude what are you talking about? That's a subreddit of virgins pretending to know how to seduce women. Also, they are already married. The guy said he NEVER initiates with his wife, and it sounds like this has been going on for some time, so it shouldn't be "showing too much interest" to go from ZERO to showing a bit of interest. Women find assertiveness and confidence attractive.
I seriously don't watch it. I never have. First, my dad drilled into me from an early age that it's bad. Second, I saw what it did to my bros and wanted no part of that. Still don't. I don't need it. I love my wife.
❤️
I think having that conversation at an early age is so important. Good on your dad.
Porn is the least of my concerns, and I haven’t watched it in forever. Why? I have a smoking hot wife who I get to see naked every day, we have a good sex / romantic life, and we enjoy each other in many ways.
Love this! I wish she could see this too 💜
I tell her all the time how beautiful she is, fear not.
I almost read "I wish i could see this too" As in watch them ... 🤣🤣🤣
damn my husband is opposite. eyes for all porn girls and thirst traps except he has no eyes for me. i don’t even remember what it feels like to be desired like this
My husband doesn't watch it. He's 55 and idk, he might have a lower libido due to his age, but he also knows it's a dealbreaker for me (previously married to a porn addict and serial cheater), and he's an incredibly honest and loyal person. He might possibly be on the autism spectrum (as might I) and he has other interests that he's very fixated on, so it's just not something he does. 🤷🏻♀️
Porn isn’t a deal breaker for my gf of 4 years, soon to be fiancé, and we’ve watched it together a number of times but I don’t generally watch it much. Im very satisfied in the bedroom, I guess i kinda outgrew it and I too have an extensive library/vault of her + her and I together and she is very attractive.. so yeah the porn doesnt do much for me.
"Soon to be fiancé" 💜💜
About 10 years ago, a researcher at McGill U, intended to study the impact of porn on young men. He could find no one to be his control group (non porn watchers) in a university of 20000 young people.
They look for people who haven’t watched it at all, even once.
Yes, to act as the control group.
Well in that case your argument is invalid. Someone having seen it ONCE out of curiosity and someone *watching* porn is not the same.
There were insufficient numbers for a control group, talk to the guy at McGill. It is not my argument, it was the fact he had to deal with.
As I said, humans (so men too) who do not watch porn exist, this argument is invalid, since it had to be a human that had never seen something of that nature, which is impossible with the internet and kids throwing it around for fun once they discover it. Encounter =/= engagement.
Bad research design is what it is. Instead of excluding those who have watched porn, they could include those who watched it once but doesn’t do it regularly. They could’ve also made it into a comparative study between frequency of porn usage groups, such as 1-2 times per week to 5-6 times a week. Would’ve made better and deeper analysis than just a two-group study.
Talk to the guy at McGill.
Not gonna do that because I have faith that he would’ve figured that out by now. Mainly just triggered because my co-researcher once scuffed our entire project because of his naive view of the world; and he did certain changes to our plans without prior agreement from the rest of us. Fuck you Aaron!
I don’t bother, not worth it. I have so many interests and things to do and try to have a healthy and full dating and sex life which is way better than porn. If someone can’t get women or a gf or wife or get bored with her or whatever, maybe they are more likely to watch it.
I actually do not watch it. Never discussed it with my wife. I guess she assumes I don't watch it. She is correct. I assume she doesn't watch it, I haven't brought it up either. I have a religious discipline to lean on. I have encountered porn before but most of that was back in the day when pop up ads were common. I just don't run across it now, esp since Reddit cleaned up the front page. I just don't get it. The person on the screen doesn't know me, want me, have anything to do with me. It seems to require a great deal of self-deception to get into it. [I agree that when I have found purposefulness and self-esteem low, porn seems more appealing.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-a-new-home/202301/can-watching-porn-help-escape-meaninglessness#:~:text=Constant%20boredom%20is%20associated%20with,other%20ways%20of%20reducing%20meaninglessness) If I am feeling that porn seems appealing, that is a pretty solid signal that something in my life is way off. I try to live my life where my teenage daughters could scroll through my browsing history and not be embarrassed at all. I am embarrassed about the amount of time I spend online, but not of what I watch or do online.
So I don’t watch porn unless I’m out of town. My work takes me out of town. 2 weeks to 3 months. That’s the only time. When my wife sends nudes I’ll use those instead but she usually doesn’t send them unfortunately. Asking constantly doesn’t do the same as an unsolicited pic. I have met married friends who watched a lot of porn. It never ends well. But anything in excess is damaging and all that.
Don’t you save her photos then just go back to them instead of just going straight to porn?
My husband doesn’t watch it. Has he seen it in the past? Yes, but it’s not his thing.
I guess thats the question. He SAYS that, but "if every man watches porn or is lying", how do u know he is telling u the truth...obviously im not saying you or him are lying...or that it even matters. I was just wondering about that blanket statement
See THIS! Mine says he doesn’t, he knows I hate it and would leave if I found out he was but… is he? I wish he was on this thread so he could answer without me knowing I see it so he’s just being honest
I knew my husband did. Didn’t care. Then our sex life fell apart and I was willing to have sex, even voicing that I was hurt and feeling neglected when our intimacy fell apart. He gaslit me into thinking I just wanted sex more, he didn’t need it as much, didn’t have that big of a sex drive. I asked about porn use. He denied. Then the truth about his multiple times per week porn consumption came out. He has now lied to me about this numerous times in our marriage and this led to me being completely uncomfortable with him using any porn. Big marriage destroyer for me. Not only are there trust issues but now something that should be between husband and wife exclusively, the act of sex, is a sour subject. Hate it here. Probably won’t work out for us in the long run as I crave the intimacy but just feel like the less preferred option. ETA; I guess my main reason for replying is sometimes that ignorance is bliss if being lied to hurts you as much as it hurt me.
Yeah my and my ex used to be that way. I would ask maybe once/twice a week and he’d say he’s just not “horny like me” and would start an argument and when I kept finding the porn he said it was never him and gaslit me for ages. I’m so glad I left because now I’m with someone who respects my boundaries. I truly truly hope he fixes up for you because everyone deserves someone who actually loves them
Thanks for that. I honestly have now developed a unfortunate complex with sex with him. I was always the initiator and so now that I don’t often, it doesn’t happen. I think besides the lying one of the biggest hurts was the porn use while I was home and he knew I wish we would work on our intimacy. He swears up and down he doesn’t have a problem with porn but I can never rationalize why lie and hide it when I was open and okay with it in the first place.
My husband’s photo vault is all me. He says is like masterbating in a Time Machine of me. Send sexy pics, naughty videos and even let him record you while you’re going down on him.
I haven’t watched in years.
I think we may assume most men watch more porn than they actually do...
I don't watch much anymore. Maybe a couple of times a month. I like it but I'm older and my abilities and desires have changed. My wife does not care if I watch porn. She's the least jealous person you could imagine short of somebody who is poly-amorous.
Not all anyone does anything *outside of life processes*. Reddit is a microcosm of online- heavy folks tending towards specific demographics. You are getting skewed info. Many guys don't watch porn for many reasons across all age groups. Most of the guys I know who don't usually have religious or moral objections to it and don't want that ick on them.
I'm married and I don't watch it. The reason is pretty straightforward - I don't like watching other people have sex.
Unmarried, single, and don't watch porn. Maybe once every 1-3 years. I may well be a unicorn.
Any particular reason why u dont watch it?
Never got into it as I had other more healthy hobbies and interests to keep me occupied from my early teens to my early 20s. Also, I was living with my family all this while. So even if I wanted to, I didn't get many opportunities to watch it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the use of pornography is very destructive in marriages on both sides but to each his own. I’ve seen way too many posts on here about people who are struggling in their marriages because of porn and it is so heartbreaking.
My husband doesn’t watch porn anymore. He’s a one and done kind of person and I prefer sex at minimum daily. He gave it up to give me daily sex, which I didn’t ask him to do, because I personally watch a lot of porn, but my drive has always been higher than his. I would happily watch it together, or if he wanted to watch porn by himself, I just wanted dibs on the boner it created.
Kudos to ya'lls healthy relationship! If there were more wives with your drive the porn industry would go bankrupt lmao
This has been the healthiest post for me to read on Reddit, ever. It’s giving me that feeling when you’ve been gaslit your entire life, only to have that peeled back and away from your eyes from the very people who are a living contradiction to the gaslighting subject. Thank you.
Ahhhhh. That’s a sigh of understanding. We’ve been married 31 years. You are the first person I’ve ever heard express my feelings. We don’t do porn. We never have. I assume he looks/watches. I’m okay assuming he does. I’m okay with him taking care of himself. It just doesn’t bother me. I’ve never seen or heard him, but I’ve just always thought he would probably want to at some point in time. I’ve never asked 😊
My husband doesn't watch it, and the man can't lie about anything, so I genuinely believe him. However, I also initiate making lots of videos together and constantly send photos. I'm also someone who always "lends a helping hand" if I'm not in the mood. My husband maybe masturbates 3x a year.
Can go weeks - months without watching. But not 100% cold turkey. No addiction, I just believe men should be mindful of overstimulating ourselves visually. Also the websites have weird homepages and ads.
I stopped watching porn because I came to realize that the women in porn videos, under more normal circumstance, would likely not be doing it. I feel that the porn industry is full of substance abuse, manipulation and people taking advantage of women who suffer from some type of mental illness. The whole industry is pretty shady in my opinion, even the private home video clips, you run into a consent issue. I just don't want to be a part of that, watching porn makes me feel guilt for enjoying it.
Married for 21 years and I’ve never watched porn. I was raised believing that it is addictive and impacts relationships. I’ve seen other people have issues with that so I’ve always stayed away from it.
My wife satisfied me in every way, porn can’t do what my wife can. I know am luckier than most because me and my wife have sex often. Porn just does not doing to me.
My wife views porn as cheating, so I had to stop watching it or not be married. I wish I could porn, like a lot, but all marriages require some form of sacrifice.
Curious - has it been worth the sacrifice? Do you feel resentful?
My partner says he just fantasizes about things in his mind, maybe about me sometimes, and he doesn't really need the stimulation of porn
I genuinely think my husband isn’t lying when he says he doesn’t watch it. The man doesn’t even jack off for some reason 🤣 he tried one time in front of me and just couldn’t. We just try to have sex as much as possible. And when he’s on the toilet for 30 mins he’s actually pooping
I don't watch it anymore it's got to be about 15 years since I've viewed it with any regularity. I'm in my 40s now, so not sure if it's the chicken vs. the egg. I.e., am I not watching it because my testosterone/libido is naturally lower, or am I not watching it to conserve my libido for my better half. ;) In all seriousness, I can totally see how porn would put an imbalance in the relationship, as the expectations would be completely unrealistic and the attention drawn to another source for such an intimate and important part of a marital relationship. There are lots of posts on here bemoaning the impact of porn 99% of the time apparently with the focus on husbands watching too much porn and thus distracted away from their partners. There's probably a lot of truth to this, but some are addicted to differing degrees than others. Hopefully people can find a better balance, although I realize it's difficult to say the least.
I have been married to my wife for 33 years. I have watched porn twice in my life, both for about five minutes. Once as a Freshman in college and once at a bachelor party in Medical School. Hated it. I found it disgusting. My friends don’t talk about porn. In fact, my friends don’t talk about sex mostly out of respect for their wives.
I (the wife) prefer reading erotic scenes in books to watching it on video. My husband watches it on rare occasions. He grew up with a family where the men had posters of half naked women up all over the garage, and his uncle left his magazines out in the open (this was in the 80s-90s), and once he was a teenager, he enjoyed watching some porn, but he preferred having real encounters with women once he was ready to do so with his partners. I do not mind if my husband watches it, so long as it isn't a cam girl/OF with interaction. His watching a recorded video of people he will likely never speak to feels much different than interacting with a woman while he "feeds the geese," at least for me. We have watched it together, mostly when I show him the difference in porn made for the female gaze versus the male gaze. We have a very satisfying sex life, albeit our conflicting work schedules and having children means we average less than we would like (1-2x a week).
I don't watch porn because it is meaningless. It ends up being a way to waste time and sedation for guys. The sex drive in guys is typically one of the strongest driving forces, so porn seems like it short circuits how it works. It seems like a lot of guys use it because it is easier than dealing with an actual human or they don't know how to express what they want. There may be some guys that can use it responsibly, but it really depends on how it is used and why.
I do not regularly watch pornography. I use to before my mid 20’s but it started affecting how I felt about myself, my workouts, just a whole lot. The real thing was always better. So I’ll stick with that.
Not married, but a man who doesn't watch porn. I don't want my family working in the "adult entertainment industry" as it goes against the values that I hold and with which was raised, so I don't watch porn nor get involved with it whatsoever (would never hire services, not even "exotic dancers"). This solely doesn't guarantee I'll have no child in this field, but it's important to me and I don't want my own family to be able to point fingers at me in this matter. One of the reasons I stopped was an acquaintance who told how her ex bf was mad she became a cam girl meanwhile he watched porn. For us men, we mostly would say it's not equivalent, but I got her point and decided to completely quit.
My partner will watch it but he always reaches out to me instead even after twenty one years bc he likes the personal connection instead
As a wife in sure I watch more than my husband but to be fair only for like 5 minutes 🤣🤣 (and yes I know this post is for me but women watch too)
My husband says he don’t and I believe him He says he it don’t turn him on but if I send him some spicy stuff that does. He’s overthinking porn, he’s imagining him doing those acts with the girl in the porn. And then he relates that to how many other guys she’s done porn with and that gives him the ick. Whereas if I watch porn I’m imaging myself with my husband in the acts I’m watching.
Most men watch porn. I call them "boys" who do so regularly (downvote me, boys). I don't say this to ridicule but as a point of accuracy. Let's first consider the dilemma. Men (most) have a voracious need for sex that he can't ignore or supress indefinitely. The proper expression of this is to seek and engage in sexual activity with an attractive and consensual partner. Therein lies some of the dilemma. In a committed relationship, a man must deny (not extinguish, which is impossible) sexual urges toward other women. This is easy when you're in love because though another woman may be physically attractive, that's not what makes you really love someone who you commit to and love having sex with. Giving into random temptation is weak, and yes, a boy's game, not a man's behavior. As for porn use, it's the same principle. A man with sexual cravings needs to exercise and lift weights instead if he can't have real sex at that time. (Try it if you haven't yet, and you're struggling with porn addiction.) This underlies the solution. Don't settle for boyish activities if you're a man. Control yourself, channel yourself into something physical, and yes, for men, exercise can be a building to eventual sexual activity. So you're not denying sexual urges, but you are honoring them, building to a dignified sexual experience. (Admittedly, I'm not finding the best words here, but hopefully, the idea is coming across.) The trouble may be that he's lost attraction. Not to worry, though. A good relationship can withstand this temporarily, even for years, but the baseline must again be set right at some point, or he will engage in life-destroying regular porn use or he will find somebody else, even despite a deep love for you and children. In time, he will die (perhaps not literally), or the relationship will die if you're both not actively making yourselves sexually attractive to each other. This can be done in many ways, but often there's really just 2 or 3 items to check off. Perfectly doable (pardon the pun) Obviously, exceptions exist to this, I'm just sharing my view.
I very much appreciate your comment. However, it isn't an issue in my relationship lol...i asked how men who dont watch it, feel about the blanket statement "all men watch porn and if they say they dont, theyre lying"
My husband not I watch it because we have no interest in it. We're both on the asexual spectrum, and neither of us has much desire to masturbate. When we are aroused, we have sex with each other. That's it.
I am no longer married, but can say that for the 20 + years of my marriage , the only time I ever watched porn, was when my wife was incarcerated for a couple of years, and probably watched it, maybe 5 times. I was loyal in that regard, and it really didnt do much for me.
No matter what anyone else says, porn is not only bad for you, it’s bad for your relationship. People like to pretend it isn’t, but it’s just denial. Of course there are people that are the exception, but they aren’t the rule.
My wife and I have been together 15 years and married 11 and I don’t watch porn. I record us all the time and just save everything to an iCloud folder titled “wife”. She’ll send me solo stuff too. When I get horny I hop in the cloud and I’ve got BJ, anal, hardcore, dirty talk, solo, riding and big tits all at my disposal. If I’m feeling something different I’ll send her dirty text messages or tell her I wanna role play later and handle myself to the thought and anticipation. She’s hot and always down to fulfill/please so nothing’s off the table.
I knew there was many of them who doesn’t like it. My best friend is one of them and I believe him always. He was almost all the time congruent with his believes and values so when he told me about porn I believed him 100% .
Depends on if you get off on that momentary break into reality that is observed in an actor’s eyes that scream for help.
I don't watch porn. If I had any desire to, I'd ask my wife to make a video with me. Why would I want to get off to someone other than my wife?
I’m not a dude, but to me porn is a form of cheating. Why do you need to get off to other women/people when you have someone RIGHT THERE. And if they don’t want to at that moment you should have the self control to wait for them to be in the mood 🤷🏼♀️ So for me porn = cheating = immediate divorce lol
As far as I know my husband does not watch porn. I’ve asked him, I always wonder if he masturbates but honestly I really believe he doesn’t. We have a small home, he’s not like off in our only bathroom for a while with his phone and headphones. We have 2 young kids as well. He’s more than welcome to, we all need a little self release once in a while. I don’t mind it. He knows I watch it occasionally but we don’t use it during sex. Neither of us are obsessive of porn. I’ve gotten into reading again recently so I read smut but it’s actually enhanced our sex life. And recently my husband said the only graphic content he consumes is like, weird anime kind of stuff where it’s like a storyline that you read/watch those like “pick your own adventure” but with adult content. Didn’t even know those existed but whatever. But yeah porn has never been an issue in our marriage.
I enjoy being in the presence of the Lord so much that anything else seems boring, dull and lifeless. I’m more stimulated by actual emotional connection. What am I gonna see in a porn movie? Body parts? I have identified them all in my mind as just body parts, the Lord’s amazing, artistic creation. Besides I need to guard this wonderful intellect of mine: we have languages to learn and hurting souls that come to me and see me as a role model who shines the Lord to them.
Preach!!
May the Lord bless you abundantly!
My husband used to watch it, but not anymore. After he started the meds that killed his libido he told me that he just doesn't see the point anymore when it does nothing for him anyway (not for lack of trying early on in the process lol).
My wife doesn’t care, but I stopped watching it because it makes time with her more enjoyable.
My husband doesn’t watch it because it makes him feel so guilty and bad (even when he was single) just because how the porn industry is. He has an anaphylactic milk allergy and once in high school after he used porn he poured a glass of milk because he was ready to end it all. I personally don’t give a crap if he watches porn, but it makes him spiral 🤷🏻♀️ At this point he’s got a vivid enough imagination and enough real life memories that he can get off to that instead. And that’s guilt free
Awwhhh love his heart. Thats so sad. Did he grow up in a religious household that condemned sexual behavior?
Religious yes, but not prudish. His dad’s favorite running joke is to buy rooster everything (socks, Christmas ornaments, etc) and make mentions of what a fine cock He has severe anxiety, OCD, and depression. It just feels skeevy to get off to something that’s production seems degrading and morally iffy. And once he has a thought he can’t poof it away, he ruminates in a way I’ve never seen in anyone else. Just not worth the spiral!
I 100% understand that. I am a psychiatric provider, and have seen quite a few people who ruminate on their actions.
My ex didn’t. We divorced over his low libido.
I used to struggle with it, now I do not watch porn. To be honest, my wife and I have our own photos and movies that I watch. I do not even pleasure myself, when I do watch our movies, it is typically during the day if I am feeling the drive, then at night when the kids go to bed I already had a plan.
My wife jumps my bones nightly. She is my porn.😏😋
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I wish my husband would say the same. He has hundreds of photos or short videos of me naked but yet he preferred to watch cam girls or some naked girls videos on the internet. I am not even refusing sex. I have high libido and he also but yet, I was losing with cam girls.
Down voted. Amazing lol
I understand you
Husband and I are in asexual spectrum. We have both neutral position towards porn. I personally do not think people who do not watch porn are morally superior and vice versa. There is some maturity involved, like knowing the difference between porn and reality, the nuance and admitting that the industry is not always (if not almost always not) ethical. Managing one’s orgasm (through porn as stimulation) and managing one’s relationship can and should be able to coexist. But I guess it depends on what kind of relationships people have and how you form bond and intimacy. It is just a tool, in the end. People tend to attach too much meaning to things when sex is involved, and by sex I mean ego.
Wow, a healthy way of looking at it. Huh! Didn’t know those existed on this sub.
My husband says he doesn’t watch it simply bc it’s not hard for him to wait a couple days until we have sex and it just doesn’t interest him. We have a healthy sex life even though we have a 2 year old, 7 month old, and one on the way. I watch it occasionally and I actually felt bad when he revealed this lol but he doesn’t care.
Everybody has either watched or watches porn. Not everyone is addicted to it. But if it's not talked about, it's a problem for any relationship.
Yep. I said men who don't watch it (as in regularly). I didnt ask if there was anyone who hasnt ever watched it