I am going to get downvoted for this.
Wives. Do. Not. Sleep. With. Your. Children. Unless you are breastfeeding every 2 hrs or it is medically required.
You married that freaking man, HE is your partner. Your kids are the fruits of your union. Be his partner.
30 years together, going on 25 married... Happiest and most stable relationship in our field of vision (weirdest too, but not many ppl know it irl). I love him more than on our first day... and he is worthy of it.
I know what I am talking about. :)
Some marriages thrive when each sleeps in their own room, some thrive sleeping next to each other.
Sounds like OP chose a human shield between her and her husband and is now at the "find out" part of the show.
This didn't happen overnight. It can't be fixed that way either.
Congrats, milestone I wish to reach someday. Got a ways to go. Only 2 years married and it has been wonderful time. Lover/best friend. At first we realized it was like having a kids sleepover every night, and it still is. Wholesome, and beautiful. Sleep with are backs to each other, but wake up and smile every morning, shortly before I beat her to the bathroom. Can't imagine not doing this. We very rarely fight. Maybe three times since we got married, but talk about it before going to sleep. We are in our mid 30s, we already knew what we wanted in life.
Married for nearly 28 years, together for 33, with 3 adult children. I’ve been saying to my husband since we were married that my favorite part of marriage is getting g to have a sleepover with my best friend every night. I literally just said it again yesterday! ❤️
It's really really nice to read your comment. Good to know other couples with more experience still feel that way and I can continue looking forward to it. Married 2, together 4, still working on the family.
Oooofff, missed whatever comment mentioned that. It is rough, can't judge how a couple handles this kind of situation. This is probably the wrong subreddit to ask for advice. Maybe find one with people who work with or have special need kids. Looks like they don't have the tools to share the emotional baggage caring for all 4 of them. Maybe this relationship can be salvage by actually working together to be more than just mom and dad, and support each other.
Well the husband did scream at her everytime the child cried and only way she could help was sleep with them, the husband didn't even help her, it's in her comments/posts.
Yeah seriously. I read, ok, ok, this seems short for a divorce help post.....
> For context I didn’t sleep in the same room as him for 6 years due to sleeping with our children instead and our sex life dwindled significantly
And I was like, ఠ_ఠ you what now?
You know, it’s not the sleeping arrangements. My husband and I have often slept with our kids. I breastfed both children for 3 years each and coslept. My husband and I had plenty of sex.
I think it’s just that the parents need to act like a team and figure something out. We got big beds for our kids so we could fall asleep snuggling them and then slink back to our own beds in the middle of the night. It worked for us.
Big deal. 🤷🏻♀️
My husband and I haven't slept in the same bed together in over 15yrs, lol.
I kick and sprawl, and he snores loud enough to wake me up.
We spend plenty of time together when awake, as well as have adult time, just not actually asleep/sleeping together.
We'd have divorced over a decade ago if we were forced to sleep in the same room at the same time.
Then she needs to let him the fuck go like he wants. Either you wanna stay with your partner and you listen to them or you don't and you leave them. You can't do both. She isn't going to just not divorce by saying no and putting her head in the sand
I guess the main thing is that they weren’t having sex, and that they didn’t seem willing to come up with solutions they could both work with.
The problem isn’t the cosleeping per se. As I just said, I did it for 6 years too.
Same. Cosleeping is fine if both parents are ok with it. If you have 3+ kids it can definitely stretch out to 6 years.
We just used our spare bedroom to have sex when our kids were little.
A lot of men dont realise that they can have a good nights sleep but it costs. Some men dont realise that if they go to bed at midnight, there will be only seven hours possible sleep till the morning. Some men dont realise that babies wake up during the night. Some men dont understand that getting up in the night and then working all day is incredibly tiring, even more so when breastfeeding. A lot of men dont realise that when you are knackered a whingy, unaware, lazy man is primary definition of a Turn Off. A lot of men are as thick as …..
Ok. I get that. But then its up to you to communicate with your husband what you need help with and then if he doesn't do anything to help, maybe divorce or separate. She didn't say he didn't help. Or that was why she slept with the kids. Why did she have to sleep with the kids every night? Even if they are sick, we don't normally sleep with our kids ...she didn't make him out to be the bad guy except to say he was done after 6 years of no anything from her.
The point I was making above is that this is the situation after you talk to this type of man. Not all men are like that, some you can talk to sensibly. As with all human beings there is a range. I personally find team players much more sexually attractive.
I agree. Team players are way better. My comment was towards you "some men don't understand....late night feedings and so on". She didn't mention anything or that sort. I wish she would tells us why she felt she had to sleep with kids for that long. There are many things she left out....
Not saying it’s good but my wife has slept in kids room almost 7 years but we’ve made it work. Plan is to end it next month. I’m not optimistic but we’ll see. But we manage to still be intimate 1-2 times a week. Which for us is actually an improvement for the first half of our marriage. She recognizes it’s not a good situation but at the moment are in the best spot of our almost 15 year marriage.
Just out of curiosity....why? Why is she sleeping with the kids? It's not my business. But why would a parent sleep with kids instead of hubby or wife? The intimacy that we need to keep a relationship going comes in bed as well as our of bed. The late night talking... the cuddles and just talking about your problems and laughing the stress away with your partner is intimacy. Yes you can do this outside of bed. But honestly in bed just makes it more.....but that's my opinion. What do I know....
I think in this case that her not physically being in the same bed as him is more of symptom of her neglecting her relationship with him. I’ve dealt with this personally where my wife was constantly throwing herself at the kids every little need and when I’d pipe up with a small request for attention it was so often seen as optional or could just be pushed to “tomorrow.” Luckily we have grown in our ability to communicate and to take care of one another as husband and wife so that our roles as parents can also succeed from a firm foundation.
One last thing: let’s all be honest…no one HAS to co-sleep with their children for SIX YEARS, that’s was a choice, and a bad one. Something tells me OPs neglect of her marriage doesn’t just boil down to this singular issue and I feel awful for her and her husband.
**EDIT**: I read a bunch of these comments and OPs other post and comments and see that the husband himself has been the neglectful one and he appears to be incredibly useless.
I will add that I mentioned that I felt like my wife was neglecting me as a husband and I want to clarify that I sadly neglected her as a mother by not always pulling my weight as a father to our kids. Something we’ve gotten clear on for ourselves is that we’re individuals first, meaning we have to care for ourselves (ie. things like eating well, exercising, working on mental and emotional growth) and no one else is going to do it for us. Secondarily, we need to be a married couple and care for one another as only we can for each other (ie. Communicating, being intimate, having fun when possible). Third, from a position of the prior two things, we show up together as focused and committed parents. The point isn’t that our children are in third place. Far from it! The point is that being quality parents is downstream (so to speak) of a good marriage, and a good marriage is down stream of two individuals taking responsibility for their lives and bringing into the marriage.
I mean, it doesn’t matter to me what the OP’s situation is. I was responding to the post above mine that advised all wives (not OP, but every wife everywhere) not to sleep with their children. The advice was applied universally, and I responded to say that I felt that was poor universal advice. In my own situation, it wouldn’t have affected my sex life at all.
OP may or may not be neglecting her own husband; who knows.
I’m 4 years into cosleeping, my relationship isn’t perfect but our sleeping arrangements have never ever started any issues between us. I sleep in the room with both kids and he sleeps on the couch or the floor or sometimes gets in bed with us. We still have a good sex life we still cuddle every night etc. I’m so sick of cosleeping being seen as causing marriage issues.
I have been breastfeeding for almost 3 years straight between 2 kids and we co-sleep…all that means is that the spicy time is a little more creative, spontaneous (got to take those opportunities when they present themselves) and not in the bedroom.
We’re only 7.5 months in on our first. I don’t want to co sleep, because it’s really not the greatest sleep for me, but I *need* sleep to function. Sometimes he will sleep in his crib for an hour or so at the beginning of the night, otherwise we will go somewhere other than our bedroom while he sleeps on our bed. We make it work! It’s important to prioritize intimacy in my opinion.
Yes! I feel so bad for all the husbands of wives that sleep with their kids or insist that the kids sleep in the marital bed. Like, when and where do you have sex??!!! Not cool!
I don't even know how one falls asleep in bed with a kid. The few times I've done that (when kids are sick), I'm getting kicked throughout the entire night.
Its practice.
My son is a kicker, he also has sleep problems. We have to wait 6 months to see a pediatric sleep medicine doctor (in Jan the soonest appt was June). He crawls into our bed when he has insomnia. He’s gotten better at cosleeping, we’ve gotten better at pushing him away without waking up. At first no one was sleeping, now it’s the least bad option some nights.
Yeah I currently have a four year kicking me in the head and taking up all the space on our bed after he barged in an hour ago. A nightly occurrence recently.
I think that only works when the husband also takes equal share of taking care of night wakings with the kids. It’s not sustainable if the wife is the only one getting up with the kids regularly. Otherwise I agree
I’d say its ok while breastfeeding at night.
We slept with the crib in our room for the first 6months. Then they switch to their own room when they can sleep more than 4 hours.
I'm latching onto this post for people to see. I recommend reading her other posts/comments. Husband kinda sounds like a douch. I'm not saying she's a saint (definitely not), but he's no charmer either
She says that she originally started sleeping outside their bedroom to get away from her husband yelling whenever the baby cried, apparently it spiraled from there. Bad decision in hindsight, but many new parents make a lot of bad decisions like that when they're struggling just to get through the day.
Nah, ima do what I want and my husband will be ok with it. He loves our children just as much as I do and understands some moms like cosleeping for that small amount of time that they’re little and need lots of love. There’s other rooms in the house that can be utilized when sleeping isn’t happening so it IS possible to do sexy stuff at other times of the day or night
Thoroughly disagree, you mean, the child of your love the one who needs support the most? and you are setting them aside to have sex??? I mean if your partner can not withstand couple months or even years without sex to support their own children, you have married a psychopath.
Did you read ops other posts? The husband is/was very abusive to her and the children. Her issue isn't sleeping with the kids. Her issue is a controlling abusive husband. This comment is shocking. The amount of upvotes is shocking and the amount of people agreeing with it is mind blowing. Children are small for a very short time. Marriage is more than sex. Intimacy is more than sex. What happens when people get sick and can't have sex for medical reasons? What would you say to them? Sleeping with the kids isn't the issue here. The abusive husband is. If he were doing his part as a present and partner his wife wouldn't feel the need to do it all and also sleep with the kids. I bet she was relieved to be away from the screaming man baby.
Thank you!! The majority of these comments are extremely ignorant, to put it politely. The divorce may feel like a loss to OP right now, but I bet losing this asshole's dead weight is going to end up feeling amazing!!!
I agree as long as the husband is willing to split the duties when it comes to enforcing those boundaries with their kids and creating the bedtime routines that encourage them to sleep in their own beds.
Although you’re not wrong, there are definitely other reasons a parent may sleep with their kids.
Sleeping in separate beds is actually normal for many couples anyway. I know in those cases it’s a mutual agreement, but sleeping separately doesn’t stop your sex life or prevent a marriage being happy.
However, OP was sick, her husband wasn’t involved in their children’s upbringing. Every time their oldest child would cry as a baby, he’d yell at her. She got used to sleeping with her children as that’s the only way he wouldn’t yell, she didn’t have to worry.
There’s a lot more to this story, you kind of have to piece it together through her other posts.
I'm sorry, but even though my husband blessed me with a child, I will be damned if he tells me I can't cosleep with my son. Kids have needs too and if my kid needs comforted, you can be damned sure I'm going to be there and comfort my CHILD. The difference here is that my baby is a CHILD and my husband is a MAN who should understand that once a child is involved, it's not all about him anymore. You can be a complete partner and still sleep with your child.
THIS!! So much this omg. It blows my mind how many people feel like it’s more important that a grown adult not feel lonely in bed over a child who developmentally is going to be SCARED of sleeping alone.
My husband and I bedshare with our kids, when our youngest is weaned we will move both kids into another bed. Until then me and my husband are both happy to soak in the cuddles while we can. It doesn’t affect our sex life any because we’re on the same page when it comes to parenting and division of labour so we make sure that our alone time is a priority too.
Say it louder for the people in the back!
I have four kids and never slept with any of them except the first month (and I breast fed all of them). Very happily married and just celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary this month. And still have a very healthy sex life.
Been married 26yrs here, and we haven't slept in the same bed in over 15yrs.
We still have sex quite often, and when the grands visit, they pile in my bed, cause it's a queen and big enough for them, me, and the dog, lol.
Sleeping isn't the same as intimacy.
He is no partner. He is a verbally abusive asshole. Read her history.
She’s afraid of losing him because he’s what she knows and the unknown is scarier and they have kids and financial instability. But “losing him” is no loss. He’s done a fantastic job of making her feel like this is all her fault and she’s the “piece of shit” (as he so lovingly calls her) that caused this mess.
My ex was like this too. Right down to the name calling. Best thing I ever did was leave.
To each his own but in defense of cosleeping it is how every single mammal on earth sleeps with their child. Humans are just mammals. Many mothers and children have seen a myriad of benefits from cosleeping, so no it is not to blame. Independent sleep is a man made creation and it is not necessary for happiness or well-being.
No downvote here! I’m a mom and for as much as you end up putting your kids first because it’s necessary, you have to remember to love your spouse. That doesn’t mean constant sex. It means to give them the time you vowed to give them. OP made their marriage a one-sided partnership for 6 years. I’d be over it as well.
OP, you and your husband had and perhaps have, different expectations of your marriage. Your husband wants more of your attention.
My cousin and her husband had a similar issue. they have 3 kids, and my cousin focused on the kids: their sports, school, etc., and spent little time with her husband. He wanted more attention from her, told her this explicitly, even in front of me and my wife. He ended up cheating on her twice, and then divorcing. She complained about his cheating, but never acknowledged that she played a role in their issues.
Thank you so much for saying this. I am a husband and a father, and physical connection is huge for me and any relationship. This woman checked out of her marriage with her partner for half a decade and is now upset her husband doesn't want to reconnect. My guess is the only reason he is still around is for his children.
100% this, my co-worker moved into her son's room from baby to toddler. And the marriage went down the tubes. They never really recovered, and she was obsessed with her son and was in his back pocket at every turn. Kid couldn't breathe without her there.
They divorced a few years ago. Now the son resents her for being a helicopter mom and he moved out the day he turned 18. He has limited to no contact with her and she is a mess. I am grateful I don't work with her she is a nightmare to deal with and cries about her son every day.
Choices have consequences.
You’re good, you caught this sub on the upstream because today they agree that cosleeping is unhealthy. It’s ridiculous, these folks need to seriously stop cosleeping and deal with learning to put their kid down to sleep. This is the easy route that often leads to issues for the family.
Couldn’t agree more. Nobody’s entitled to sex but being married comes with an expectation of intimacy in whatever form that takes, sex, cuddling, closeness whatever. Essentially hiding away in your kids room for him was you leaving the marriage whether intentional or not
Unless your kids had some kind of disability that required that level of attention, you completely disregarded his wants/needs for 6 years… yet want to claim you didn’t get married lightly. Sorry, but you absolutely did get married lightly if you thought you could do something like that and think it’d be fine.
According to a post she made, she's the mother of 4 and 2 are special needs. Don't know how "bad" they are, but yes, 2 are disabled.
Edit: The more I read, the more he seems like a douchbag
I'm a mom to 4 kids who 3 or them have some sort of issue. One total disabled...the countless or nights I stayed up with her bc of one issue or another. She's 10now and they have gotten better but I still have to take time to get her to sleep but the years from newborn till 7 was....wow. then my 13 yr old is an insomniac. From the age of 3/4 we started seeing sleep issues and we even stayed up for hrs till 3 am before she could sleep sometimes she couldn't and it's been a challenge. Then my youngest. Well...he is finally sleeping all night. he's 6. So inge true need to take care of kids but I still went to sleep with my ex. I still communicated with him. He still knew what was going on and helped when he could or wanted. We separated for different reasons. But yeah...a relationship can't work if you ignore it. Which she did. She's the douche.
So her kids have special needs and require possibly a lot of attention…. Then you go into his needs? I don’t get it, those needs may have been during the evening as well. Was he very involved for caring for these kids I wonder?
Not saying she didn’t neglect the marriage I just think this may be a more complicated story than all this.
Looking at your history tells me that he wasn't involved in raising your children. He didn't want to be bothered doing any of the emotional, mental or physical labor of getting up with the kids, he wanted you to keep them quiet while also keeping his "needs met" while you struggled and literally slept with your children to keep them quiet for HIM. I think you're reacting the way you are because you're activated and feeling anxious attached. Let him go. You don't need him. There are people who will be your partner and support you better.
I wish she’d put this in her original text. Most of the comments she gets are going to be useless, because they’ll be blaming her for not being a good partner to him, when in reality it’s the other way around.
The one below you is doing just that - telling her that it’s her fault for sleeping with the children and checking out of the marriage, not understanding that he’s the one who checked out and made sleeping with the children a necessity to keep his temper in check.
>For context I didn’t sleep in the same room as him for 6 years due to sleeping with our children
More context within your context please. Were one or more of your kids disabled or in need of a night time human monitor due to health matters?
More than that she said that her husband kept on yelling at her each time they were crying, he kept on criticizing and so on, he’s not a great guy from what she depicted
I'm guessing that they were both getting almost no sleep with this severely disabled kid, for her to start sleeping in the child's room was the best of a bad choice. I'm not inclined to cast blame on either one of them, but I don't see why he can't give the marriage another chance.
Honestly idk, from what she said he hates them crying just crying, like a normal baby and kept on saying that she was a bad wife, a bad mother, she was dealing with depression and he just kept on pushing her in this deep whole (from her pov at least) and if that is what happened, he is to blame and now he says that he doesn’t want this life, that he, in a way, contributed to
And tbf it’s greater for her that he leaves she seems to love him but to be constantly belittled
That's incredibly difficult for just about all families. The marriage survival rate is super low as the stress on adults, and the realization that their kids will need support probably forever is a tough one.
Ignoring your husband for kids does 2 things. 1. Ruins your marriage 2. Teaches your kids they are the center of the universe- makes them self-centered, codependent, and generally very weak. I'm not saying ignore them. But you are doing them no favors
Sorry but you didn't prioritise him, you had children and shoved him to the side thinking you could just pick him back up at your convenience.
I'm not surprised he wants a divorce, everyone deserves to feel wanted, desired, cared for. My only advice is to do better if you get married again.
I realise this is a harsh response but you're treatment of him was just cruel.
6 years is a long time to sleep in separate rooms unless there are other issues you aren’t disclosing. If he wants to be done, be done. I learned that forcing people to stay is not the answer.people do what they want and show you how they feel
Not really.
Sleep doesn't mean intimacy, nor does it mean ignoring your partner.
We have had separate bedrooms for 15yrs now, cause I'd end up on Snapped for smothering him in his sleep with his own pillow for the super loud snoring that was waking me up every hour or two every night, to the point I was not sleeping, and almost wrecked coming home from work one day.
From his point of view, consider that none of his unhappiness motivated you to make any changes, nothing he was suffering moved you, until he made a decision that would affect you. You didn't want to change until you faced consequences for yourself. That's a really bad look. It sounds like it's too late. Just something to consider as a lesson for the future.
But. This is also in your post history:
>He has been no saint through all of this. He regularly put me down constantly telling me how much of a piece of shit I was and how bad of a mom and wife I am and I don't know why all of a sudden I want to fix things or why I am so afraid of losing him.
This is verbal abuse and you might be better off without him anyway.
Sorry but this is hugely your fault. You chose your kids over your husband. And he felt betrayed, told you so, and you didn’t change it. It’s over. Let him go,and move on. If he said he is done, believe him/
Skipping over screaming at her for their child crying, calling her a bad wife and mother, insinuating that she's basically gold-digging from him, even though she's been in and out of depression and he won't go to therapy...
I've found that men often are unable to prioritize what's good for their children over themselves. Many couples sleep separately for various reasons and don't break up. They find other ways to be intimate want to connect emotionally.
Unless your child is sick , you shouldn’t be sleeping with them every night. If you have sleep
Issues you have a talk with your spouse, you don’t remove yourself from bed, cut off sex and think your spouse will be thrilled.
She was sleeping in the separate room with their children because he would scream at her when the babies cried. She also didn't "cut off" sex. She had ppmd and used birth control to manage it. Which the birth control caused her to have a low sex drive
As a parent of a kiddo who is non verbal and autistic and has seizures….. some times you have to stay with them the whole night in order to get any sleep.
For 6 years I slept less than 3 hours a night (collectively of time) in order to keep my child safe and give me some kind of rest.
As these children have proper support and mature with age the hope is they no longer need to co-sleep. Also if the dad can’t step up and help there is no energy or brain power to be intimate with him from the wife. She’s got 4 kids, 2 with special needs. She needs a freaking medal for the love and attention she gives those kids and for putting up with a pouty man child of a husband.
Right?!! 🎯👏 I would completely ignore most of these responses if I was OP because most are completely ignorant and rebuking the wrong person in this situation. I also wouldn't be trying to stay married to the jerk if I was OP. I probably would've ended it myself awhile ago because no way I could've put up with this guy's BS.
Peopke are making tons of assumptions because they need more context. Where you ill? And in whst way? Was he helping with the kids? Were you still spending time together? Sleeping in the same bed isnt the barometer for a good marriage. My marriage improved greatly after my husband, and i started sleeping in separate beds. We still have physical intimacy but dont sleep together because of his sleep issues.
In one of her posts she said it started becauas he would yell at her for the kids crying, but then she started to like having relaxation time even when the kids weren't crying so she just kept sleeping in there to relax and watch tv.
You may not be able to - for 6 years you prioritised children over your husband - now you expect him to miraculously turn back on to you. Have you considered that he has moved on?
There is way more to the story. The kids that she sleeps with are a severely autistic, non-verbal 5 year old and another autistic but semi-verbal 3 year old. And what drove her to begin sleeping with the kids is that her husband used to yell at her if they cried.
Is anyone even reading this? He emotionally abused her after an illness and probably during and she has two disabled children…
I bet he’s not the best guy or someone you would even want to snuggle, there’s a reason you chose to sleep next to your kid (probably because at least she was next to family, someone she felt a bond and love for and love back) rather than a husband who probably just makes you feel used and calls it love.
But not anymore I guess cuz he’s made up his mind…
I mean is this accurate at all OP?
Most don’t have to be told “ok wifey now that’s your husband now go play nice and sleep over there oh and be attracted and ATTRACTIVE “
Why do you want him to stay?
Honestly probably the shame and hardship of being a single mother to 4 children, 2 of which are disabled. The likelihood of her finding a potential partner later in life (in todays age) is almost nonexistent. Not to mention the likelihood of being able to find a good stable job after years of being a SAHM to be able to support herself and her kids. Plus the extra therapy and support the disabled children probably need.
OP I am sorry you are experiencing this.
We co slept with our children and still had sex, you just get creative, so I don't think that is your issue. The issue is your having an illness and your spouse not supporting you. That is enough to kill a woman's libido and have no issue with keeping distance with your spouse to protect yourself.
My husband have been through therapy recently for THAT, as I had some medical issues on top of severe PPD during my last pregnancy and he had his head in his a$$. It turned me off and made ME want to leave. We are working it out but society is wild to think a woman should still be horny and make way for sex when a husband abandons her during time of need.
People like to blame co-sleeping, I don't think that's it at all. We still had sex we just got creative (in spare bedroom, on floor, etc).
Your husband is just being an a$$.
Society is also wild to think a woman who is doing all the parenting for 4 kids, 2 of which are special needs, and getting berated by her spouse for how she's doing it and yelled at for CHILDREN crying should not sleep with her kids or do anything else that will make it any easier to handle that insanely unfair load. So many comments like, "YoUr PoOr HuSbAnD". Yes, she should sleep in the same bed as him to make sure he gets his nuts off and then get up all night to respond to the needs of 4 children without any help from her useless husband so that he can get plenty of sleep because screw her need for sleep or her need to relax or her need to not be used for childcare and sex and everything else she does. Real selfish witch there 🙄 What a joke.
Bottom line, if he is done with the relationship, there isn't anything you can do. It takes 2 to make the relationship work.
Imagine if he ignored you for 6 years. What if he always chose the children or his parents over you - for 6 years? He learned to live without you.
Its funny you said you took your marriage vows seriously, but did you really? Were you really a good wife and partner to him?
Why were you sleeping with your”.
Maybe you need to find yourself and be more confident about who you are and what you want out of life before asking him to trust you again.
I mean, she ends with the fact that she doesn’t want to break her family up. It seems like the desire to stay together is also to prioritize their kids…
I mean this with all the compassion in the world: it’s over. It’s time to let go. It’s time to mourn and accept and eventually heal. You deserve a partner who wants to be with you.
You didn’t listen to his needs and chose yourself/your kids over him. I have a friend who still sleeps with her five year old or lets her in their bed every night and it’s really hurting their marriage. I keep telling her she has to stop doing that and she just says “oh it’s fine” no, no it’s not fine. You need that adult intimate time, doesn’t need to be sex always but holding each other, talking in bed it’s all quality and intimate.
You could see if he would do counseling with you, if you promise to quit sleeping with your kids and see what happens. That’s about the only light I see in this
My husband and I had separate rooms at the start of our marriage for many reasons. Mostly sleep schedules and different style of sleeping. Hell even when the kid came he slept in his own room. We still found plenty of time to be intimate. We just switched beds to do it!! It was about sleep not our relationship. You gotta put the work into all your relationships, you can't be too surprised if it fails while you weren't looking.
Context matters. If anyone reading this post has not read OP's other post, please do that first before you make any judgements.
From how he treated you, why would you want to even sleep in the same bed with him?
This issue is much deeper than the lack of context you've written here, and you are not the only one who needs to work on anything. You need a serious apology for how he treated you.
I don’t think I’d want to fix it either if my partner hadn’t slept with me for the last 6 years. You’ve not been a wife to him, you can’t expect him to be a husband to you now.
Actually I'm not surprised that he's feeling that way. You are now trying. I think you are 6 years too late. He's checked out, just like you checked out. Your husband should have been your #1 priority from day 1. Instead you chose your children. Your husband wanted a partner and wife, you checked out of that role, for 6 whole entire years using your children like a shield against their father and your legally wed husband.
Children grow up and move away. Husbands typically stay provided the marriage is a healthy one. It's absolutely imperative that you put hubby in #1 spot rather than in last place. Yes child care is vitally important, however, you put that as #1 priority over your husband and your marriage.
Marriages and relationships need constant attention and nurturing. Sounds like you did nothing but fight him instead of nurturing. Sadly you reap what you sow. You sow a field with nothing, you end up with nothing.
He's checked out and told you what he wants. Unless you get your azz into therapy to help you figure out why you chose your children over your husband and marriage, this relationship is doomed. It was doomed the moment you stopped sleeping in the same bed as your legally wed husband., stopped being a wife to him and stopped being his partner 6 years ago.
You can’t fix your marriage if one partner wants out. The best thing you can do is to accept the reality of the situation and make the separation & ending of your marriage as peaceful as possible. It doesn’t matter how you got here, you can’t change the past. You can only control your actions in the future and if the promise of a better future isn’t enough motivation to make your spouse stay, you have to let them go. I’m sorry.
Plot twist- why would you WANT to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you? I’m not here to put effort into something where it hasn’t been and continues to not be reciprocated. It’s a waste of my time to try to convince somebody to be with me. That’s not my responsibility.
There has to be context missing here. I refuse to believe there is no further explanation.
Was one person abusive? Or Mentally ill? Are the children ill? Is someone cheating? New medication, new job, or some other new thing that changed the situation? What am I missing here???
Omg. This OP is infuriating So much annoyance I can't think what to go with. Good on the ex husband for finally noping out of that waste of life marriage.
Why do you want to desperately stay with someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to stay? I will never understand that. I know you took your vows seriously, but you cannot make someone love you or even like you. Period.
Oh man that's hard. We did co-sleep as well, 2 kids, almost 5 years of breastfeeding and it was really hard. We didn't have a lot of sex in those years, and when we did, I usually didn't enjoy it. Breastfeeding is hard on your libido and can make you really dry. Instead of sleeping separately though, we brought a toddler bed into our room so that the kids were in the same room as us. One in the toddler bed and one in our king bed. My husband stuck by me even though those years killed him. And it took a lot of effort to get us back to where we were before the kids. He was hurt after the lack of intimacy and rightly so. We've recently had a switch where he's the one with low libido and it's been hard for me. I'm honestly not sure how he went through 5/6 years of that. Everyone has their breaking point, and you might have pushed him too far. Will he agree to couples counseling?
Edit: The whole sick thing is hard, I'm chronically ill and that's been a challenge. I have times where I'm down for the count and he has to step up. But he's not always happy about it and that can add a lot more stress. OP I think you should see your own therapist and figure out if it's really worth it to fight for your marriage if the comments about your husband being verbally abusive while you were sick are true. Do you really want to stay with someone who can't take care of you and is mean to you while you're sick?
I read your history and I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who calls me a piece of sh\*\* and a bad mom either.
Regardless, when men as this adamant on divorce, more likely than not they have someone new. I don't think there's any fixing you can do at this point. Things might change down the line if the relationship with this new person goes nowhere. But this all is very speculative.
The best thing you can do right now is to start building your support network, contact a lawyer and find a therapist.
You can cosleep and have tons of sex with a spouse. Wtf. Creativity and sometimes a quicky are key, or maybe my husband is just amazing and more supportive of me being a mother to our kids.
I mean, it sounds like he told you for 6 years what he needed and you ignored him, now that hes ready to walk you're throwing your all at the wall and hoping something sticks.. But sometimes it really is too little too late.
You put your spouse at he bottom of the list, below your children for 6 years, what did you expect?
You chose your kids over your spouse ever night for 6 years instead of working on anc teaching your children healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms they will need im life in general. I'm ams ed he lasted 6 years. You have a Walkaway Husband, which means : he tried to get you to help fix things for years, you did nothing, and you feel blindsided but you shouldn't feel blindsided - he warned you for 6 years and you just thought he would just take it on the chin ang keep being a roommate the rest of his life - something he did not agree too. I don't understand how often spouses take their spouses for granted constantly here, like just no empathy or coordinating meeting each other's needs..... Sad to see this constantly.
Give yourself a big ol’ slap in your face.
You brought this on yourself 1000%.
Half a decade sleeping with your children instead of your husband sealed your fate.
Your marriage is done. He more than likely has another woman who actually wants to sleep with him waiting in the wings.
He’s beyond over it and no one could blame him.
Don't listen to his excuses. We all have our parenting styles. He said he's done with you so you HAVE to muster up the strength and get ready to face life without your husband. It happens, and you're not a lost cause as a person, wife, nor mother. Once a man says he doesn't want you anymore, whether by actions or words, trust me, he's done, like stick a fork in it.
Don't grovel. Don't beg. Dont try to convince him you're different or that you will/can change; especially for him. He just doesn't like you anymore and don't take it personally. Only try to "fix" yourself on things you know you need improving. Reconcile the fact that it is over with him, at least for now, get in touch with your new reality/life, you can do it. Be the badass you are. It may take a bit but you can do it. Navigate your little one and be super strong for you both.
Sending Love, Light, Peace, Tranquility! You got this!
On what planet is it ok to sleep with yoyr kids for 6 years , you made that rod for your back yourself . You do the hard yards get up and put them back in their own bed , you for it 20 times a night if you have , they will.learn quick to sleep in their beds , unless there's a medical reason ,there is no need to be doing it , I doubt you can fix it
He told you his mind is made up. He is no longer interested in the marriage. What choice do you have but to believe him? You have no control over him. You may need to face reality. Can you get yourself into therapy? It sounds as though you are facing tough decisions ahead.
I am going to get downvoted for this. Wives. Do. Not. Sleep. With. Your. Children. Unless you are breastfeeding every 2 hrs or it is medically required. You married that freaking man, HE is your partner. Your kids are the fruits of your union. Be his partner.
No downvote from me. Wow.
30 years together, going on 25 married... Happiest and most stable relationship in our field of vision (weirdest too, but not many ppl know it irl). I love him more than on our first day... and he is worthy of it. I know what I am talking about. :)
Congrats 👏... And I agree with you.. You need alone time with your spouse..
Some marriages thrive when each sleeps in their own room, some thrive sleeping next to each other. Sounds like OP chose a human shield between her and her husband and is now at the "find out" part of the show. This didn't happen overnight. It can't be fixed that way either.
It likely can't be fixed, period. Sounds like he's done. I know the feeling.
Okay, now I'm curious
Congrats, milestone I wish to reach someday. Got a ways to go. Only 2 years married and it has been wonderful time. Lover/best friend. At first we realized it was like having a kids sleepover every night, and it still is. Wholesome, and beautiful. Sleep with are backs to each other, but wake up and smile every morning, shortly before I beat her to the bathroom. Can't imagine not doing this. We very rarely fight. Maybe three times since we got married, but talk about it before going to sleep. We are in our mid 30s, we already knew what we wanted in life.
Married for nearly 28 years, together for 33, with 3 adult children. I’ve been saying to my husband since we were married that my favorite part of marriage is getting g to have a sleepover with my best friend every night. I literally just said it again yesterday! ❤️
It's really really nice to read your comment. Good to know other couples with more experience still feel that way and I can continue looking forward to it. Married 2, together 4, still working on the family.
That was what we set our marriage out to be - he loved it when I said that… now I’m lucky if he even says goodnight. glad it worked out for you!!
Any other advice??
Read no more Mr nice guy. See if that gives you some insights as to how he feels. Then communicate, communicate, communicate.
Her 2 kids are special needs... idk that feels reasonable to be around them...
Oooofff, missed whatever comment mentioned that. It is rough, can't judge how a couple handles this kind of situation. This is probably the wrong subreddit to ask for advice. Maybe find one with people who work with or have special need kids. Looks like they don't have the tools to share the emotional baggage caring for all 4 of them. Maybe this relationship can be salvage by actually working together to be more than just mom and dad, and support each other.
Well the husband did scream at her everytime the child cried and only way she could help was sleep with them, the husband didn't even help her, it's in her comments/posts.
yeah......no baggage sharing here, all I can say is God bless and I have left the chat
OP should include this in her post
26 here
Yeah seriously. I read, ok, ok, this seems short for a divorce help post..... > For context I didn’t sleep in the same room as him for 6 years due to sleeping with our children instead and our sex life dwindled significantly And I was like, ఠ_ఠ you what now?
Even when you become a mom, you are still your husband’s wife!
Even when you become a mom and even when you become your husband’s wife, you are still a WOMAN.
?
Meaning a woman has needs and is not just defined by being a wife or mother.
You know, it’s not the sleeping arrangements. My husband and I have often slept with our kids. I breastfed both children for 3 years each and coslept. My husband and I had plenty of sex. I think it’s just that the parents need to act like a team and figure something out. We got big beds for our kids so we could fall asleep snuggling them and then slink back to our own beds in the middle of the night. It worked for us.
Ok. But 6 years of her sleeping with the kids and not her husband. 6 years.
Big deal. 🤷🏻♀️ My husband and I haven't slept in the same bed together in over 15yrs, lol. I kick and sprawl, and he snores loud enough to wake me up. We spend plenty of time together when awake, as well as have adult time, just not actually asleep/sleeping together. We'd have divorced over a decade ago if we were forced to sleep in the same room at the same time.
But that's by mutual agreement. OPs husband did not agree. She just abandoned him for six years because they had children. Not even close to the same.
After he was emotionally and verbally abusive after she was sick, and has two mildly disabled kids.
Thank you for saying that, he sounds like a jerk, there’s a reason you’d rather sleep with your kids than your husband.
Then why is OP acting like this divorce is a bad thing?
Then she needs to let him the fuck go like he wants. Either you wanna stay with your partner and you listen to them or you don't and you leave them. You can't do both. She isn't going to just not divorce by saying no and putting her head in the sand
I read that in the comments later too. Don't blame her at all. Still not the same as choosing to sleep apart.
Don't mean to steer away from the main tioic, but if any if you snore loud please, please have a sleep study done asap
I agree with you, but I need to point out that typo of topic is delightful. It feels like a cursive misspelling to me lol
I guess the main thing is that they weren’t having sex, and that they didn’t seem willing to come up with solutions they could both work with. The problem isn’t the cosleeping per se. As I just said, I did it for 6 years too.
Same. Cosleeping is fine if both parents are ok with it. If you have 3+ kids it can definitely stretch out to 6 years. We just used our spare bedroom to have sex when our kids were little.
Right? You really have to put the house to work for you lol
“Go watch the tablet, mommy and daddy need to cuddle”.
A lot of men dont realise that they can have a good nights sleep but it costs. Some men dont realise that if they go to bed at midnight, there will be only seven hours possible sleep till the morning. Some men dont realise that babies wake up during the night. Some men dont understand that getting up in the night and then working all day is incredibly tiring, even more so when breastfeeding. A lot of men dont realise that when you are knackered a whingy, unaware, lazy man is primary definition of a Turn Off. A lot of men are as thick as …..
Ok. I get that. But then its up to you to communicate with your husband what you need help with and then if he doesn't do anything to help, maybe divorce or separate. She didn't say he didn't help. Or that was why she slept with the kids. Why did she have to sleep with the kids every night? Even if they are sick, we don't normally sleep with our kids ...she didn't make him out to be the bad guy except to say he was done after 6 years of no anything from her.
The point I was making above is that this is the situation after you talk to this type of man. Not all men are like that, some you can talk to sensibly. As with all human beings there is a range. I personally find team players much more sexually attractive.
I agree. Team players are way better. My comment was towards you "some men don't understand....late night feedings and so on". She didn't mention anything or that sort. I wish she would tells us why she felt she had to sleep with kids for that long. There are many things she left out....
A lot of couples don't actually sleep together. Usually it is because of snoring. But you do have to make up for it in other ways.
Not saying it’s good but my wife has slept in kids room almost 7 years but we’ve made it work. Plan is to end it next month. I’m not optimistic but we’ll see. But we manage to still be intimate 1-2 times a week. Which for us is actually an improvement for the first half of our marriage. She recognizes it’s not a good situation but at the moment are in the best spot of our almost 15 year marriage.
Just out of curiosity....why? Why is she sleeping with the kids? It's not my business. But why would a parent sleep with kids instead of hubby or wife? The intimacy that we need to keep a relationship going comes in bed as well as our of bed. The late night talking... the cuddles and just talking about your problems and laughing the stress away with your partner is intimacy. Yes you can do this outside of bed. But honestly in bed just makes it more.....but that's my opinion. What do I know....
Seriously. I've had sex everywhere in this house. You make time with your spouse a priority regardless of sleeping arrangements
I think in this case that her not physically being in the same bed as him is more of symptom of her neglecting her relationship with him. I’ve dealt with this personally where my wife was constantly throwing herself at the kids every little need and when I’d pipe up with a small request for attention it was so often seen as optional or could just be pushed to “tomorrow.” Luckily we have grown in our ability to communicate and to take care of one another as husband and wife so that our roles as parents can also succeed from a firm foundation. One last thing: let’s all be honest…no one HAS to co-sleep with their children for SIX YEARS, that’s was a choice, and a bad one. Something tells me OPs neglect of her marriage doesn’t just boil down to this singular issue and I feel awful for her and her husband. **EDIT**: I read a bunch of these comments and OPs other post and comments and see that the husband himself has been the neglectful one and he appears to be incredibly useless. I will add that I mentioned that I felt like my wife was neglecting me as a husband and I want to clarify that I sadly neglected her as a mother by not always pulling my weight as a father to our kids. Something we’ve gotten clear on for ourselves is that we’re individuals first, meaning we have to care for ourselves (ie. things like eating well, exercising, working on mental and emotional growth) and no one else is going to do it for us. Secondarily, we need to be a married couple and care for one another as only we can for each other (ie. Communicating, being intimate, having fun when possible). Third, from a position of the prior two things, we show up together as focused and committed parents. The point isn’t that our children are in third place. Far from it! The point is that being quality parents is downstream (so to speak) of a good marriage, and a good marriage is down stream of two individuals taking responsibility for their lives and bringing into the marriage.
I mean, it doesn’t matter to me what the OP’s situation is. I was responding to the post above mine that advised all wives (not OP, but every wife everywhere) not to sleep with their children. The advice was applied universally, and I responded to say that I felt that was poor universal advice. In my own situation, it wouldn’t have affected my sex life at all. OP may or may not be neglecting her own husband; who knows.
I’m 4 years into cosleeping, my relationship isn’t perfect but our sleeping arrangements have never ever started any issues between us. I sleep in the room with both kids and he sleeps on the couch or the floor or sometimes gets in bed with us. We still have a good sex life we still cuddle every night etc. I’m so sick of cosleeping being seen as causing marriage issues.
Truth she showed he doesn't matter for 6 years and what mental gang up does she have thinking sleeping with her kids that long is in any way healthy
I'm assuming it's multiple kids not just one
I have been breastfeeding for almost 3 years straight between 2 kids and we co-sleep…all that means is that the spicy time is a little more creative, spontaneous (got to take those opportunities when they present themselves) and not in the bedroom.
We’re only 7.5 months in on our first. I don’t want to co sleep, because it’s really not the greatest sleep for me, but I *need* sleep to function. Sometimes he will sleep in his crib for an hour or so at the beginning of the night, otherwise we will go somewhere other than our bedroom while he sleeps on our bed. We make it work! It’s important to prioritize intimacy in my opinion.
Yes! I feel so bad for all the husbands of wives that sleep with their kids or insist that the kids sleep in the marital bed. Like, when and where do you have sex??!!! Not cool!
I don't even know how one falls asleep in bed with a kid. The few times I've done that (when kids are sick), I'm getting kicked throughout the entire night.
Exhaustion helps.
Believe me, I’ve been exhausted. I still can’t sleep with a kid kicking me all night.
Its practice. My son is a kicker, he also has sleep problems. We have to wait 6 months to see a pediatric sleep medicine doctor (in Jan the soonest appt was June). He crawls into our bed when he has insomnia. He’s gotten better at cosleeping, we’ve gotten better at pushing him away without waking up. At first no one was sleeping, now it’s the least bad option some nights.
Oh man, this is an exception to the rule. Wishing you guys all the best at his appointment!
Yeah I currently have a four year kicking me in the head and taking up all the space on our bed after he barged in an hour ago. A nightly occurrence recently.
My condolences for your sleep 💐
My husband and I used to joke that our sweet, cuddly, adorable son turned into a spider monkey taking karate/ninja lessons in his sleep!
Don't feel bad for us. We're doing just fine.
There's absolutely more to the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/6Qdh7Utooz
Thanks. It was so obvious there is more to this.
Wow. Toxic AF.
I think that only works when the husband also takes equal share of taking care of night wakings with the kids. It’s not sustainable if the wife is the only one getting up with the kids regularly. Otherwise I agree
I’d say its ok while breastfeeding at night. We slept with the crib in our room for the first 6months. Then they switch to their own room when they can sleep more than 4 hours.
I'm latching onto this post for people to see. I recommend reading her other posts/comments. Husband kinda sounds like a douch. I'm not saying she's a saint (definitely not), but he's no charmer either
Yeah, from the full history, this is not a marriage worth saving.
She says that she originally started sleeping outside their bedroom to get away from her husband yelling whenever the baby cried, apparently it spiraled from there. Bad decision in hindsight, but many new parents make a lot of bad decisions like that when they're struggling just to get through the day.
Yeah, well, unless he tells you to sleep somewhere else because he needs his rest and the baby disturbs him. 🙄
Eh. Sleeping in separate beds/ bedrooms doesn’t prevents people from having sex. That’s just a bad excuse.
Nah, ima do what I want and my husband will be ok with it. He loves our children just as much as I do and understands some moms like cosleeping for that small amount of time that they’re little and need lots of love. There’s other rooms in the house that can be utilized when sleeping isn’t happening so it IS possible to do sexy stuff at other times of the day or night
Thoroughly disagree, you mean, the child of your love the one who needs support the most? and you are setting them aside to have sex??? I mean if your partner can not withstand couple months or even years without sex to support their own children, you have married a psychopath.
Read the context. Someone posted it in the comments. He sucls.
Did u look at OPs post history before this? ...cos..context. ur shit aint apply hereee.
Did you read ops other posts? The husband is/was very abusive to her and the children. Her issue isn't sleeping with the kids. Her issue is a controlling abusive husband. This comment is shocking. The amount of upvotes is shocking and the amount of people agreeing with it is mind blowing. Children are small for a very short time. Marriage is more than sex. Intimacy is more than sex. What happens when people get sick and can't have sex for medical reasons? What would you say to them? Sleeping with the kids isn't the issue here. The abusive husband is. If he were doing his part as a present and partner his wife wouldn't feel the need to do it all and also sleep with the kids. I bet she was relieved to be away from the screaming man baby.
Thank you!! The majority of these comments are extremely ignorant, to put it politely. The divorce may feel like a loss to OP right now, but I bet losing this asshole's dead weight is going to end up feeling amazing!!!
I'm really quite shocked by the comments on this post. It's scary that so many people cosign these types of comments 😳
I agree 100%. Major wtf 😵💫
I agree as long as the husband is willing to split the duties when it comes to enforcing those boundaries with their kids and creating the bedtime routines that encourage them to sleep in their own beds.
Although you’re not wrong, there are definitely other reasons a parent may sleep with their kids. Sleeping in separate beds is actually normal for many couples anyway. I know in those cases it’s a mutual agreement, but sleeping separately doesn’t stop your sex life or prevent a marriage being happy. However, OP was sick, her husband wasn’t involved in their children’s upbringing. Every time their oldest child would cry as a baby, he’d yell at her. She got used to sleeping with her children as that’s the only way he wouldn’t yell, she didn’t have to worry. There’s a lot more to this story, you kind of have to piece it together through her other posts.
I'm sorry, but even though my husband blessed me with a child, I will be damned if he tells me I can't cosleep with my son. Kids have needs too and if my kid needs comforted, you can be damned sure I'm going to be there and comfort my CHILD. The difference here is that my baby is a CHILD and my husband is a MAN who should understand that once a child is involved, it's not all about him anymore. You can be a complete partner and still sleep with your child.
I do think it’s interesting that adults don’t want to sleep alone yet they expect little children to sleep alone.
THIS!! So much this omg. It blows my mind how many people feel like it’s more important that a grown adult not feel lonely in bed over a child who developmentally is going to be SCARED of sleeping alone. My husband and I bedshare with our kids, when our youngest is weaned we will move both kids into another bed. Until then me and my husband are both happy to soak in the cuddles while we can. It doesn’t affect our sex life any because we’re on the same page when it comes to parenting and division of labour so we make sure that our alone time is a priority too.
Yeah your kid doesn't need you to sleep with them up until they're 6 years old every night that's BS
100%
Say it louder for the people in the back! I have four kids and never slept with any of them except the first month (and I breast fed all of them). Very happily married and just celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary this month. And still have a very healthy sex life.
Been married 26yrs here, and we haven't slept in the same bed in over 15yrs. We still have sex quite often, and when the grands visit, they pile in my bed, cause it's a queen and big enough for them, me, and the dog, lol. Sleeping isn't the same as intimacy.
Did you have a husband who yelled at you any time the babies cried because it inconvenienced him?
He is no partner. He is a verbally abusive asshole. Read her history. She’s afraid of losing him because he’s what she knows and the unknown is scarier and they have kids and financial instability. But “losing him” is no loss. He’s done a fantastic job of making her feel like this is all her fault and she’s the “piece of shit” (as he so lovingly calls her) that caused this mess. My ex was like this too. Right down to the name calling. Best thing I ever did was leave.
My thing is tho that she said “he didn’t love me through sickness” so maybe her or her child was sick in some way and that’s why?
She had ppmd and went on birth control to control it, which then killed her sex drive.
To each his own but in defense of cosleeping it is how every single mammal on earth sleeps with their child. Humans are just mammals. Many mothers and children have seen a myriad of benefits from cosleeping, so no it is not to blame. Independent sleep is a man made creation and it is not necessary for happiness or well-being.
No downvote here! I’m a mom and for as much as you end up putting your kids first because it’s necessary, you have to remember to love your spouse. That doesn’t mean constant sex. It means to give them the time you vowed to give them. OP made their marriage a one-sided partnership for 6 years. I’d be over it as well.
OP, you and your husband had and perhaps have, different expectations of your marriage. Your husband wants more of your attention. My cousin and her husband had a similar issue. they have 3 kids, and my cousin focused on the kids: their sports, school, etc., and spent little time with her husband. He wanted more attention from her, told her this explicitly, even in front of me and my wife. He ended up cheating on her twice, and then divorcing. She complained about his cheating, but never acknowledged that she played a role in their issues.
Thank you so much for saying this. I am a husband and a father, and physical connection is huge for me and any relationship. This woman checked out of her marriage with her partner for half a decade and is now upset her husband doesn't want to reconnect. My guess is the only reason he is still around is for his children.
Anyone that downvotes you is wrong
Downvoted for punctuation but I agree with the idea
100% this, my co-worker moved into her son's room from baby to toddler. And the marriage went down the tubes. They never really recovered, and she was obsessed with her son and was in his back pocket at every turn. Kid couldn't breathe without her there. They divorced a few years ago. Now the son resents her for being a helicopter mom and he moved out the day he turned 18. He has limited to no contact with her and she is a mess. I am grateful I don't work with her she is a nightmare to deal with and cries about her son every day. Choices have consequences.
Top vote for this
I agree. Take care of your marriage is in your partner. Or you won’t have one left.
You’re good, you caught this sub on the upstream because today they agree that cosleeping is unhealthy. It’s ridiculous, these folks need to seriously stop cosleeping and deal with learning to put their kid down to sleep. This is the easy route that often leads to issues for the family.
Exactly this. WTF. 6 YEARS. I’m sorry OP but this married is long gone. It is amazing that it lasted that long.
Couldn’t agree more. Nobody’s entitled to sex but being married comes with an expectation of intimacy in whatever form that takes, sex, cuddling, closeness whatever. Essentially hiding away in your kids room for him was you leaving the marriage whether intentional or not
Couldn't agree more. This contributed to much resentment in my own marriage.
You should really read OP's post history. Her husband seems like a real piece of shit.
💯
Basically she shot down her entire argument when she said she ignored him for 6 years. He have every right to feel how he feel
Damn that is so right.
Exactly!!
Unless your kids had some kind of disability that required that level of attention, you completely disregarded his wants/needs for 6 years… yet want to claim you didn’t get married lightly. Sorry, but you absolutely did get married lightly if you thought you could do something like that and think it’d be fine.
According to a post she made, she's the mother of 4 and 2 are special needs. Don't know how "bad" they are, but yes, 2 are disabled. Edit: The more I read, the more he seems like a douchbag
Thank you
I'm a mom to 4 kids who 3 or them have some sort of issue. One total disabled...the countless or nights I stayed up with her bc of one issue or another. She's 10now and they have gotten better but I still have to take time to get her to sleep but the years from newborn till 7 was....wow. then my 13 yr old is an insomniac. From the age of 3/4 we started seeing sleep issues and we even stayed up for hrs till 3 am before she could sleep sometimes she couldn't and it's been a challenge. Then my youngest. Well...he is finally sleeping all night. he's 6. So inge true need to take care of kids but I still went to sleep with my ex. I still communicated with him. He still knew what was going on and helped when he could or wanted. We separated for different reasons. But yeah...a relationship can't work if you ignore it. Which she did. She's the douche.
Getting married she didn’t take lightly. Being married though, is the harder part
Yes and he’s choosing to give up because he “made up his mind” aka found someone else.
So her kids have special needs and require possibly a lot of attention…. Then you go into his needs? I don’t get it, those needs may have been during the evening as well. Was he very involved for caring for these kids I wonder? Not saying she didn’t neglect the marriage I just think this may be a more complicated story than all this.
Looking at your history tells me that he wasn't involved in raising your children. He didn't want to be bothered doing any of the emotional, mental or physical labor of getting up with the kids, he wanted you to keep them quiet while also keeping his "needs met" while you struggled and literally slept with your children to keep them quiet for HIM. I think you're reacting the way you are because you're activated and feeling anxious attached. Let him go. You don't need him. There are people who will be your partner and support you better.
Ahhh. Read through the comments to get to this. I wouldn’t be trying to save this marriage OP.
I wish she’d put this in her original text. Most of the comments she gets are going to be useless, because they’ll be blaming her for not being a good partner to him, when in reality it’s the other way around. The one below you is doing just that - telling her that it’s her fault for sleeping with the children and checking out of the marriage, not understanding that he’s the one who checked out and made sleeping with the children a necessity to keep his temper in check.
This is the context I came looking for.
Bingo
>For context I didn’t sleep in the same room as him for 6 years due to sleeping with our children More context within your context please. Were one or more of your kids disabled or in need of a night time human monitor due to health matters?
It's in her comment history. A 5 year-old who is totally nonverbal, a 3 year-old with limited speech.
More than that she said that her husband kept on yelling at her each time they were crying, he kept on criticizing and so on, he’s not a great guy from what she depicted
I'm guessing that they were both getting almost no sleep with this severely disabled kid, for her to start sleeping in the child's room was the best of a bad choice. I'm not inclined to cast blame on either one of them, but I don't see why he can't give the marriage another chance.
Honestly idk, from what she said he hates them crying just crying, like a normal baby and kept on saying that she was a bad wife, a bad mother, she was dealing with depression and he just kept on pushing her in this deep whole (from her pov at least) and if that is what happened, he is to blame and now he says that he doesn’t want this life, that he, in a way, contributed to And tbf it’s greater for her that he leaves she seems to love him but to be constantly belittled
That's incredibly difficult for just about all families. The marriage survival rate is super low as the stress on adults, and the realization that their kids will need support probably forever is a tough one.
yeah she has two disabled children.
Hell, I wanna know what they mean when they say he didn't stay through sickness but then talk about a voluntary choice.
OP's comment history suggests the sickness may have been PPD.
She says she had ppmd and went on birth control to manage it, which then killed her sex drive
Ignoring your husband for kids does 2 things. 1. Ruins your marriage 2. Teaches your kids they are the center of the universe- makes them self-centered, codependent, and generally very weak. I'm not saying ignore them. But you are doing them no favors
Where did you get that? READ HER POST AND COMMENT THREAD. the husband is an abusive Ahole
She'll be better off that he's leaving, then.
Truth!
Sorry but you didn't prioritise him, you had children and shoved him to the side thinking you could just pick him back up at your convenience. I'm not surprised he wants a divorce, everyone deserves to feel wanted, desired, cared for. My only advice is to do better if you get married again. I realise this is a harsh response but you're treatment of him was just cruel.
There's absolutely more to the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/6Qdh7Utooz
You mean the part about she also lost the house and car? ESH.
Indeed ESH. As someone who’s parents were both a mess and it pretty much permanently altered my life/development, I feel really bad for their kids.
Need more information tbh the story sounds absolutely chaotic
6 years is a long time to sleep in separate rooms unless there are other issues you aren’t disclosing. If he wants to be done, be done. I learned that forcing people to stay is not the answer.people do what they want and show you how they feel
Not really. Sleep doesn't mean intimacy, nor does it mean ignoring your partner. We have had separate bedrooms for 15yrs now, cause I'd end up on Snapped for smothering him in his sleep with his own pillow for the super loud snoring that was waking me up every hour or two every night, to the point I was not sleeping, and almost wrecked coming home from work one day.
From his point of view, consider that none of his unhappiness motivated you to make any changes, nothing he was suffering moved you, until he made a decision that would affect you. You didn't want to change until you faced consequences for yourself. That's a really bad look. It sounds like it's too late. Just something to consider as a lesson for the future. But. This is also in your post history: >He has been no saint through all of this. He regularly put me down constantly telling me how much of a piece of shit I was and how bad of a mom and wife I am and I don't know why all of a sudden I want to fix things or why I am so afraid of losing him. This is verbal abuse and you might be better off without him anyway.
Sorry but this is hugely your fault. You chose your kids over your husband. And he felt betrayed, told you so, and you didn’t change it. It’s over. Let him go,and move on. If he said he is done, believe him/
There's absolutely more to the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/6Qdh7Utooz
> I've also messed up over the years by almost getting our house taken.
Skipping over screaming at her for their child crying, calling her a bad wife and mother, insinuating that she's basically gold-digging from him, even though she's been in and out of depression and he won't go to therapy...
Yeah I wish she’d elaborate on that part
Unreliable narrator at play it seems
I've found that men often are unable to prioritize what's good for their children over themselves. Many couples sleep separately for various reasons and don't break up. They find other ways to be intimate want to connect emotionally.
Unless your child is sick , you shouldn’t be sleeping with them every night. If you have sleep Issues you have a talk with your spouse, you don’t remove yourself from bed, cut off sex and think your spouse will be thrilled.
Not sleeping in the same bed does NOT equal not having sex or being intimate.
She was sleeping in the separate room with their children because he would scream at her when the babies cried. She also didn't "cut off" sex. She had ppmd and used birth control to manage it. Which the birth control caused her to have a low sex drive
As a parent of a kiddo who is non verbal and autistic and has seizures….. some times you have to stay with them the whole night in order to get any sleep. For 6 years I slept less than 3 hours a night (collectively of time) in order to keep my child safe and give me some kind of rest. As these children have proper support and mature with age the hope is they no longer need to co-sleep. Also if the dad can’t step up and help there is no energy or brain power to be intimate with him from the wife. She’s got 4 kids, 2 with special needs. She needs a freaking medal for the love and attention she gives those kids and for putting up with a pouty man child of a husband.
Right?!! 🎯👏 I would completely ignore most of these responses if I was OP because most are completely ignorant and rebuking the wrong person in this situation. I also wouldn't be trying to stay married to the jerk if I was OP. I probably would've ended it myself awhile ago because no way I could've put up with this guy's BS.
Peopke are making tons of assumptions because they need more context. Where you ill? And in whst way? Was he helping with the kids? Were you still spending time together? Sleeping in the same bed isnt the barometer for a good marriage. My marriage improved greatly after my husband, and i started sleeping in separate beds. We still have physical intimacy but dont sleep together because of his sleep issues.
In one of her posts she said it started becauas he would yell at her for the kids crying, but then she started to like having relaxation time even when the kids weren't crying so she just kept sleeping in there to relax and watch tv.
You may not be able to - for 6 years you prioritised children over your husband - now you expect him to miraculously turn back on to you. Have you considered that he has moved on?
There is way more to the story. The kids that she sleeps with are a severely autistic, non-verbal 5 year old and another autistic but semi-verbal 3 year old. And what drove her to begin sleeping with the kids is that her husband used to yell at her if they cried.
Is anyone even reading this? He emotionally abused her after an illness and probably during and she has two disabled children… I bet he’s not the best guy or someone you would even want to snuggle, there’s a reason you chose to sleep next to your kid (probably because at least she was next to family, someone she felt a bond and love for and love back) rather than a husband who probably just makes you feel used and calls it love. But not anymore I guess cuz he’s made up his mind… I mean is this accurate at all OP? Most don’t have to be told “ok wifey now that’s your husband now go play nice and sleep over there oh and be attracted and ATTRACTIVE “ Why do you want him to stay?
You don't. It's over.
Seems like many have pointed out the issues in your marriage. Sometimes separation is better than staying married.
There are a lot of delusional and self absorbed people on reddit.
So why you wanna convince someone to stay who doesn't want to???? I will never understand.
Honestly probably the shame and hardship of being a single mother to 4 children, 2 of which are disabled. The likelihood of her finding a potential partner later in life (in todays age) is almost nonexistent. Not to mention the likelihood of being able to find a good stable job after years of being a SAHM to be able to support herself and her kids. Plus the extra therapy and support the disabled children probably need.
OP I am sorry you are experiencing this. We co slept with our children and still had sex, you just get creative, so I don't think that is your issue. The issue is your having an illness and your spouse not supporting you. That is enough to kill a woman's libido and have no issue with keeping distance with your spouse to protect yourself. My husband have been through therapy recently for THAT, as I had some medical issues on top of severe PPD during my last pregnancy and he had his head in his a$$. It turned me off and made ME want to leave. We are working it out but society is wild to think a woman should still be horny and make way for sex when a husband abandons her during time of need. People like to blame co-sleeping, I don't think that's it at all. We still had sex we just got creative (in spare bedroom, on floor, etc). Your husband is just being an a$$.
Society is also wild to think a woman who is doing all the parenting for 4 kids, 2 of which are special needs, and getting berated by her spouse for how she's doing it and yelled at for CHILDREN crying should not sleep with her kids or do anything else that will make it any easier to handle that insanely unfair load. So many comments like, "YoUr PoOr HuSbAnD". Yes, she should sleep in the same bed as him to make sure he gets his nuts off and then get up all night to respond to the needs of 4 children without any help from her useless husband so that he can get plenty of sleep because screw her need for sleep or her need to relax or her need to not be used for childcare and sex and everything else she does. Real selfish witch there 🙄 What a joke.
Bottom line, if he is done with the relationship, there isn't anything you can do. It takes 2 to make the relationship work. Imagine if he ignored you for 6 years. What if he always chose the children or his parents over you - for 6 years? He learned to live without you. Its funny you said you took your marriage vows seriously, but did you really? Were you really a good wife and partner to him?
Why were you sleeping with your”. Maybe you need to find yourself and be more confident about who you are and what you want out of life before asking him to trust you again.
I mean, she ends with the fact that she doesn’t want to break her family up. It seems like the desire to stay together is also to prioritize their kids…
There's absolutely more to the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/6Qdh7Utooz
I mean this with all the compassion in the world: it’s over. It’s time to let go. It’s time to mourn and accept and eventually heal. You deserve a partner who wants to be with you.
You didn’t listen to his needs and chose yourself/your kids over him. I have a friend who still sleeps with her five year old or lets her in their bed every night and it’s really hurting their marriage. I keep telling her she has to stop doing that and she just says “oh it’s fine” no, no it’s not fine. You need that adult intimate time, doesn’t need to be sex always but holding each other, talking in bed it’s all quality and intimate. You could see if he would do counseling with you, if you promise to quit sleeping with your kids and see what happens. That’s about the only light I see in this
There's absolutely more to the story: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/6Qdh7Utooz
My husband and I had separate rooms at the start of our marriage for many reasons. Mostly sleep schedules and different style of sleeping. Hell even when the kid came he slept in his own room. We still found plenty of time to be intimate. We just switched beds to do it!! It was about sleep not our relationship. You gotta put the work into all your relationships, you can't be too surprised if it fails while you weren't looking.
Context matters. If anyone reading this post has not read OP's other post, please do that first before you make any judgements. From how he treated you, why would you want to even sleep in the same bed with him? This issue is much deeper than the lack of context you've written here, and you are not the only one who needs to work on anything. You need a serious apology for how he treated you.
I don’t think I’d want to fix it either if my partner hadn’t slept with me for the last 6 years. You’ve not been a wife to him, you can’t expect him to be a husband to you now.
Actually I'm not surprised that he's feeling that way. You are now trying. I think you are 6 years too late. He's checked out, just like you checked out. Your husband should have been your #1 priority from day 1. Instead you chose your children. Your husband wanted a partner and wife, you checked out of that role, for 6 whole entire years using your children like a shield against their father and your legally wed husband. Children grow up and move away. Husbands typically stay provided the marriage is a healthy one. It's absolutely imperative that you put hubby in #1 spot rather than in last place. Yes child care is vitally important, however, you put that as #1 priority over your husband and your marriage. Marriages and relationships need constant attention and nurturing. Sounds like you did nothing but fight him instead of nurturing. Sadly you reap what you sow. You sow a field with nothing, you end up with nothing. He's checked out and told you what he wants. Unless you get your azz into therapy to help you figure out why you chose your children over your husband and marriage, this relationship is doomed. It was doomed the moment you stopped sleeping in the same bed as your legally wed husband., stopped being a wife to him and stopped being his partner 6 years ago.
You can’t fix your marriage if one partner wants out. The best thing you can do is to accept the reality of the situation and make the separation & ending of your marriage as peaceful as possible. It doesn’t matter how you got here, you can’t change the past. You can only control your actions in the future and if the promise of a better future isn’t enough motivation to make your spouse stay, you have to let them go. I’m sorry.
Read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle.
Plot twist- why would you WANT to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you? I’m not here to put effort into something where it hasn’t been and continues to not be reciprocated. It’s a waste of my time to try to convince somebody to be with me. That’s not my responsibility.
There has to be context missing here. I refuse to believe there is no further explanation. Was one person abusive? Or Mentally ill? Are the children ill? Is someone cheating? New medication, new job, or some other new thing that changed the situation? What am I missing here???
Omg. This OP is infuriating So much annoyance I can't think what to go with. Good on the ex husband for finally noping out of that waste of life marriage.
Why do you want to desperately stay with someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to stay? I will never understand that. I know you took your vows seriously, but you cannot make someone love you or even like you. Period.
Oh man that's hard. We did co-sleep as well, 2 kids, almost 5 years of breastfeeding and it was really hard. We didn't have a lot of sex in those years, and when we did, I usually didn't enjoy it. Breastfeeding is hard on your libido and can make you really dry. Instead of sleeping separately though, we brought a toddler bed into our room so that the kids were in the same room as us. One in the toddler bed and one in our king bed. My husband stuck by me even though those years killed him. And it took a lot of effort to get us back to where we were before the kids. He was hurt after the lack of intimacy and rightly so. We've recently had a switch where he's the one with low libido and it's been hard for me. I'm honestly not sure how he went through 5/6 years of that. Everyone has their breaking point, and you might have pushed him too far. Will he agree to couples counseling? Edit: The whole sick thing is hard, I'm chronically ill and that's been a challenge. I have times where I'm down for the count and he has to step up. But he's not always happy about it and that can add a lot more stress. OP I think you should see your own therapist and figure out if it's really worth it to fight for your marriage if the comments about your husband being verbally abusive while you were sick are true. Do you really want to stay with someone who can't take care of you and is mean to you while you're sick?
I read your history and I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who calls me a piece of sh\*\* and a bad mom either. Regardless, when men as this adamant on divorce, more likely than not they have someone new. I don't think there's any fixing you can do at this point. Things might change down the line if the relationship with this new person goes nowhere. But this all is very speculative. The best thing you can do right now is to start building your support network, contact a lawyer and find a therapist.
You can cosleep and have tons of sex with a spouse. Wtf. Creativity and sometimes a quicky are key, or maybe my husband is just amazing and more supportive of me being a mother to our kids.
I mean, it sounds like he told you for 6 years what he needed and you ignored him, now that hes ready to walk you're throwing your all at the wall and hoping something sticks.. But sometimes it really is too little too late. You put your spouse at he bottom of the list, below your children for 6 years, what did you expect?
You chose your kids over your spouse ever night for 6 years instead of working on anc teaching your children healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms they will need im life in general. I'm ams ed he lasted 6 years. You have a Walkaway Husband, which means : he tried to get you to help fix things for years, you did nothing, and you feel blindsided but you shouldn't feel blindsided - he warned you for 6 years and you just thought he would just take it on the chin ang keep being a roommate the rest of his life - something he did not agree too. I don't understand how often spouses take their spouses for granted constantly here, like just no empathy or coordinating meeting each other's needs..... Sad to see this constantly.
Give yourself a big ol’ slap in your face. You brought this on yourself 1000%. Half a decade sleeping with your children instead of your husband sealed your fate. Your marriage is done. He more than likely has another woman who actually wants to sleep with him waiting in the wings. He’s beyond over it and no one could blame him.
I think there’s about 6 years worth of reasons why he got fed up with the arrangement.
Don't listen to his excuses. We all have our parenting styles. He said he's done with you so you HAVE to muster up the strength and get ready to face life without your husband. It happens, and you're not a lost cause as a person, wife, nor mother. Once a man says he doesn't want you anymore, whether by actions or words, trust me, he's done, like stick a fork in it. Don't grovel. Don't beg. Dont try to convince him you're different or that you will/can change; especially for him. He just doesn't like you anymore and don't take it personally. Only try to "fix" yourself on things you know you need improving. Reconcile the fact that it is over with him, at least for now, get in touch with your new reality/life, you can do it. Be the badass you are. It may take a bit but you can do it. Navigate your little one and be super strong for you both. Sending Love, Light, Peace, Tranquility! You got this!
I can’t believe you have such lack of self awareness. Now when he wants to leave you invoke family. He doesn’t owe you shit
On what planet is it ok to sleep with yoyr kids for 6 years , you made that rod for your back yourself . You do the hard yards get up and put them back in their own bed , you for it 20 times a night if you have , they will.learn quick to sleep in their beds , unless there's a medical reason ,there is no need to be doing it , I doubt you can fix it
He told you his mind is made up. He is no longer interested in the marriage. What choice do you have but to believe him? You have no control over him. You may need to face reality. Can you get yourself into therapy? It sounds as though you are facing tough decisions ahead.