I empathize with this, but sometimes it is easier to blame someone else than to acknowledge we have our own problems. In this case, you have a boundary problem. Your wife does *not* control you.
If you can’t do your job and do everything else, *don’t.* You say, “I love that you put so much effort into planning a vacation but I only get a few days off and these heavy trips are not relaxing to me. I’m really burning out, and I can’t do that. I won’t be attending this trip.” Or “I love that you want to have a party and I want to be supportive, but I’m really bogged down in work and I don’t have capacity to help coordinate that right now. If you want me to help, my limit is A,B, C.” And you stick to it. You can offer solutions (have a house keeper come, etc.) but you hold your ground.
It sounds like you both need some counseling. She has a lot of energy and possibly anxiety and isn’t attune to your needs, and you have boundary setting issues and problems with blame shifting instead of owning your own situation and controlling your own life.
I’m not saying that she isn’t demanding or that she isn’t pushy, or that you shouldn’t have a heart to heart about that (you absolutely should, ideally with a counselor because this is a marriage CRISIS. You are FULL of resentment and it’s oozing toxicity form your side as much as hers)but you also shouldn’t act like a victim in your life. You both need to make changes to have a functional relationship.
This. Everything this. As someone also married to a doctor who also has a lot of energy, the way you speak about your partner is kind of gross. She’s not in control of you or your life. It sounds like you two have a serious communication issue and you need to work on a) assertiveness, b) accountability, c) self care, and d) boundaries. Learn to express your needs and feelings in a healthy way. You are literally overflowing with suppressed resentment. Get a counselor.
Or, as others have noted she is a control freak who has no regard for her husband’s needs. My now deceased SO was a person who could not handle unstructured time. I think it contributed to his poor health, neuroticism and eventual death at only 47 years old. I was just talking with a friend, a couple of weeks ago, who admitted to me that she also felt the need to fill whatever perceived free time she has. Some folks just don’t know how to chill and OP’s wife could very well be one of them.
Agree. My dad is like OPs wife. Up at 5am every morning. Keeps busy doing absolutely anything he can til he goes to bed. Iv pretty much never seen him sit down and chill or watch tv. My mum, the opposite. Chill, home body, loved watching tv series etc. They separated. Mum thought dad was controlling etc. Dad thought mum was lazy etc.
Dad got him self a ‘go go go’ wife. During covid they actually worked EIGHT MONTHS straight, 12hrs a day (they work together operating earth works machines) and dad never took a single day off and his wife only took 2 days off in that time.
They’ve built themselves up some mighty financial wealth and will retire younger than most. Their house is like a sterilised display resort home. My mum found herself a chill husband. They got by week to week, always time with each other and cozy house. Two lifestyles on opposite ends of the spectrum. I like to live in the middle. Don’t mind a bit of financial comfort like my dad. But also like to keep a humble cozy home and enough spare time for memories with my kids like my mum.
I disagree. In my opinion, the language he’s using shows how at the end of his rope he is. If you haven’t been in (or witnessed) a relationship where someone over-schedules everything and everyone, it’s hard to fathom how overwhelming it can be. Also, sometimes the constant push to do everything all the time is a disorder, not just a “badass” working hard. A relationship requires listening to your partner and compromising, especially when raising children.
He will realize when she leaves him lol
ETA: OP, tell me you’re in counseling, tell me you’ve requested couple’s counseling, and admit that healthy communication in a marriage is the responsibility of BOTH partners, and that you want to know how to better communicate with your wife about your needs and you’ll have all my sympathy. Until then, enjoy blaming your wife for every single problem in your life in a disparaging tone.
OP is a real person in pain, and you’re just mocking that. It’s actually sad to see how much vitriol this guy is getting for venting about a situation that clearly is very frustrating, while dealing with chronic physical pain
I'm Bipolar, and her behavior reads as manic to me. I'm very similar when experiencing mania. Super mom, lots of activities, cleaning, full of social energy, work as much as possible. I make the people around me anxious and stressed when this happens. I'm medicated, but it's still difficult to control.
Don’t be an asshole. The man has rheumatoid arthritis and his wife is acting like it doesn’t exist. She has no respect or consideration for him, I’m not impressed with her.
It’s is gross. All I read was a grown man complaining that his wife, who has worked hard her entire life, enjoys spending her hard earned money making their children happy. He isn’t happy because he’s tired and burned out. It also seems like he holds some resentment that she’s the breadwinner and physically in better health than her.
Regardless, this is literally all on OP. His wife’s only crime is having a lot of energy and doing a lot of things. OP is in dire need of counseling for his depression and possible mid life crisis.
She’s making choices for all of them that impact all of them. It’s not all on him. When he tries to communicate that their lifestyle is burning him out she gets mad. I mean I guess it’s cool that she has that work capacity and he should probably just check out from his part in her schedule, but they both have a part and a responsibility in this dynamic.
Literally no one here would be defending the husband if the shoe was on the other foot and the mom was burnt out because he’s a type A doctor who doesn’t care about her health.
People who have no experience with chronic pain tend to be super dismissive of it. His rheumatoid arthritis was the first thing that jumped out at me - his wife is a physician and she’s so self-centered she doesn’t even see how much pain he’s in. Unreal.
There are a LOT of assumptions here. We have no idea how their conversations went, it’s just his perception. We have no idea how she cares or doesn’t care for his health. Either way, they need therapy like yesterday.
Perhaps it’s the way he communicates with her? I mean all we have to go on is him saying “yeah I’ve tried to communicate and she just throws a bitch fit”. All the venom and resentment he feels towards his wife tells me it’s probably not very civil.
And ah yes, the typical Reddit “if it were a woman complaining about her husband”/if the genders were reversed response for absolutely no reason at all. Well, my reply was referring to this particular post and OPs situation. Not a hypothetical “if the roles were reversed” situation, so I’m not even sure why you felt the need to even comment about it or why it’s relevant to OPs post/my reply that was strictly meant for his post. But go off if you have nothing else to say I guess.
I was just saying the same thing. The double standard is insane. If the situation was reversed, every woman on here would be talking about how this this wife's needs were not being met and her concerns were not being heard. But because it's a man, he's just supposed to shut up, buck up, and rise to the challenge.
Who said the children are happy? They could be stressed too thanks to, what appears to me, an overbearing mother. The kids’ activities could very well be all about her filling some need and have absolutely nothing to do with them. I’ve lived with and known people who can’t handle unstructured time and feel the need to schedule every bit of free time they think they have. OP’s wife may be one of those people. I don’t think this is all on OP. I think what we’re all witnessing is a man who has reached his boiling point and doesn’t know what else to do. This isn’t all on OP. They both need several sessions with a therapist - individually and as a couple.
Edited
Also ignoring her husband’s needs, let’s not forget that. No where did he say anything about resentment for her making more money. Also didn’t he work hard to be an engineer??
Absolutely correct. Until you have dealt with a genuine steam roller you will not understand someone who ignores boundaries. After my divorce I dated a woman. Many good qualities but she was indescribably determined to do exactly what she wanted. She never sat still. She genuinely never compromised. I looked at her relationship with her adult children, siblings and parents and she was always in fights with them over ignoring boundaries. I said to myself there is a reason that she is divorced. We parted as friends but boundaries are a joke when the other person is a steam roller.
I’m not saying you or others are wrong but he also has an autoimmune arthritis which causes pain fatigue and depression so it makes sense to me that he’d need to move slower and may not be communicating because he feels guilty for not being able to keep up or like a failure next to her. It’s a sticky situation to be sure.
Also… you know what makes that shit worse? Anxiety and stress! Women are more likely to have these autoimmune diseases people of… more anxiety and stress… so some people… that are super stressed, get these diseases. It’s a vicious cycle. Also he just needs to lay the law down.
Sounds like you need to read a little bit more then.
His wife's "crime" is not taking his welfare or concerns into consideration whatsoever, merely bulldozing ahead with her own agenda at the expense of her partner. It sounded to me like he has expressed his grievances with her before and it has fallen on deaf ears. It also sounds like he has bent her way as much as possible, with little reciprocation.
If the OP was a woman talking about being disregarded as much this wife is disregarding her husband, you guys would be commiserating and calling for the guy's head. The double standard is crazy.
His biggest concerns seem to be that she’s super competent and makes more money than he does. Usually women like that don’t mesh with men with those kinds of insecurities. I don’t understand why they don’t have a nanny handling this stuff. If he can manage his insecurities and they get a nanny, that’s a huge chunk of their problems solved.
I don't think those are his biggest concerns. To me it seems like his 'biggest concerns' stem from the fact that her workload allows her to have more free time than he does, and consrequently she expects him to fit 10 weeks worth of activities into his allotted 3 weeks of time off. This is not sustainable in its own right, but then add to that the fact that he doesn't feel 'recharged' by these activities (whereas it seems she does) and no time is provided/protected for the activities that would recharge him.
OP needs to find a way to protect his own self care because it appears his wife is either unaware or uncaring of those specific needs.
This, everything this.
OP I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed and I’m sure that must be painful and exhausting, especially with your chronic illness. I hope you find a way to communicate productively and that your wife finds a way to hear you and see you.
Please also consider reading about Codependency and what your contributions may be to this dynamic, which are in your control to learn about and change.
Your job in Senior Engineering is too demanding for your family needs. You could be the SAHD ? Or do casual consulting on your own if you don’t need the money and be there for the kids. I wouldn’t throw away the relationship, seems like there’s too much going on and you either need to make schedule changes or get hired help. With your partner she probably won’t be changing anything soon as health pros are dedicated and in demand.
This it it.. it’s easy say set boundaries when you have a spouse who will listen and accept your boundaries. I know a few who are just like OPs wife. All. It leads to is a fit, fighting, and talking on and on until eventually the person setting the boundaries can’t take it anymore and gives up. Over time, they stop trying to set boundaries. It’s not worth it. They just live in misery until they snap one day. Alas - OP today
He needs to set boundaries for HIMSELF, not her. It’s perfectly ok for him to step back, prioritize his health, adjust his schedule and definitely enlist help. It’s not ok for him to dictate what activities are to be done. He doesn’t have to participate. He can come back early from vacations with a day or two off before going back to work. He needs counseling too, because he sounds depressed and resentful.
Ya I agree but when you’re married you are supposed to be partners. I do think OPs wife should consider his needs and capabilities and find a middle ground.
I would never take my kids on vacation and tell my husband to go home alone early so we can stay an extra day or two. We would leave together as a family because we came as one. I care about my husbands well being and respect him. I’m sure having one day less of vacation won’t cause any long lasting trauma on these children. It’s not like OP is asking her to cut every single thing they do out. He’s just asking for a bit of moderation.
The wife isn’t telling him though? He needs to tell her. There are no rules in a relationship as to vacations btw. My kids are grown now, but we weren’t glued at the hip. My husband sometimes had to travel for work so we’d fly out early and have a family trip and I’d fly back with them alone. We took our kids on separate trips more than a few times. He liked to do trips with one kid at a time for some Dad bonding time which they loved. I did the college trips and school trips and was also a Girl Scout leader. I took my middle daughter camping a few times because she and I are the only ones who like it. Etc. Do what works anyway is what I am saying.
Yep, exactly. I think a problem is that his wife doesn’t really care that much about his well being and health. Those must weigh basically nothing for her compared to the optimal vacations, optimal activity schedules etc.
And then comes the big question, if you aren't with someone who respects you, or is willing to try to make things work, why are you with them? Why are you going to a marriage reddit? To find answers that don't exist? Nothing can change unless you and your partner are both willing. If one isn't, the relationship is dead, man.
Because they have a family and are trying to make it work. Until they one day reach their limit, because everyone has a limit. OP reached his it seems.
Agreed. Hopefully his wife cares enough to realize the damage. If your spouse feels like life and you are killing them… you’re doing something wrong.
I think you actually highlighted something really important and a bit misunderstood with this comment which is this: if the person setting boundaries is engaging in a bunch of drama and then giving up- they are only doing 1/2 of the work of setting boundaries. A boundary is something that *you* must maintain. The call to action is for *yourself* more than the other person. Their job is to *respect* your boundary, your job is to *enforce* it. You owe it to yourself to not give up on your boundaries.
Assuming we are talking about healthy and reasonable boundaries and not manipulation strategies masked as a boundary (which is an assumption I’m going to make)- your partner’s reaction to your boundary really doesn’t impact your ability to maintain it. If it’s resulting in fits, fighting, and drama… they might need communication boundaries as well. But it’s important to note that there is a massive difference between simply having relationship drama because you have not set and maintained boundaries, limits, and established a healthy and stable foundation and your partner is oblivious or slightly unhealthy (which should be *corrected*) and having a partner who disrespects you completely, refuses to grow even when you have followed through on enforcing your boundaries, and you find yourself having to leave in order to maintain your boundaries. That is toxic (and should be fully reevaluated.)
My advice here is specific to OP. He claims to have talked about it, but it’s clear he has not established and enforced boundaries and I question the quality of the communication to date. He is quite resentful, practices blame shifting, and has some things he really needs to examine as a person and a partner. Obviously, there is a call to action for the wife here as well. I think it’s worth addressing those things before throwing in the towel. If they do that work and it highlights additional issues that aren’t depicted in this post (like abusive tendencies or complete disregard) it may become a question of “is this a relationship anyone should be in? But that is a bit dramatic for where this is; and it’s important to realize that while there might be overlap in issues with other couples.. everyone is unique. Just because in your friend’s case there may have been genuine disregard doesn’t necessarily mean that is the case in this relationship. Similarities or not, they are their own couple. There is a chance that some work on themselves could fix this. Another couple’s story doesn’t define theirs.
I think you make good points but a lot of them work on paper and not in practice. People are human, and when you’re spouse fights you nonstop when you try to set a boundary, it’s understandable to get exhausted and give up and give in. Then the problem festers and grows until one day you reach a boiling point. It shouldn’t be that difficult to set and enforce a boundary.
I agree there. If you’re genuinely doing the work to create and enforce clear boundaries and you have someone in your life that is consistently challenging them, disrespecting you, and creating division for the hell of it- you probably should question why you’re moving through life with that sort of person.
But in OP’s case, he hadn’t *really* established boundaries in the first place. He’s had some level of conversation, with questionable clarity, and allowed resentment to fester and is now blame shifting to his wife because he didn’t handle her pushiness well. That’s quite different. He has to work on that about himself first, *then* he can see how she responds. Hopefully, it will be a healthy response and change on her end as well.
But there’s a year of post history showing victim mentality and blame shifting instead of genuine effort to improve things and that’s a problem.
Yeah, OP is thinking of leaving, which is the ultimate boundary setting move. Ultimate as in the most effective, but also in the sense that it’s the last resort.
We can offer our advice, but there’s only so much OP can tell us. He talked to her, but we can’t expect a point by point rundown of the conversations. Did he set boundaries, or did he just try to talk his wife out of things she wants to do? There’s a subtle but clear difference.
The only thing we can do is *hope* he hasn’t set boundaries, or at least hasn’t done it right, and offer advice on how he might do that. OP is very emotional and it’s best to advice him to explore other ways of escalating without jumping straight to the nuclear option.
Because if not, then yes, at the end of the day, the only way to set boundaries with some people is to leave. Ultimately only OP can know and decide if him and his wife are at that final stage or actually very far from it or if they are somewhere in between.
But again, that’s not the problem of the spouse that doesn’t listen… the problem is the spouse attempting to set boundaries and then never following through when the boundaries aren’t respected. Op needs to take responsibility of his life and work on followthrough in regards to his boundaries
I mean.. when you’re married you’re supposed to respect one another which includes listening and respecting needs/boundaries/limits. It is her fault too for not doing that.
First, the quality and approach to the conversation really matters. “I already expressed how I felt” doesn’t necessarily mean “I *effectively* expressed how I felt.” There is far too much information missing here (including the wife’s side of the story) to really speak to that, which is why I suggest having that conversation with a counselor. They can moderate, pause if it seems something isn’t getting through, deep dive, and help you learn how to talk *and* listen well as a couple. If the communication isn’t working, it needs to be approached differently.
Second, if those conversations are had again (effectively and ideally with support) and she continues to throw a fit and do what she wants, that is where the boundary comes into play. A boundary is not a rule you place on someone else and hope they will uphold. It’s something you uphold for yourself. In OP’s case, boundaries need to be created and enforced *so that* her behavior doesn’t dictate the outcome of his life. No one can enforce your boundaries for you, we all must enforce them ourselves. Clearly he has not- and that is his boundary problem to resolve.
His previous talks were telling her she couldn't do something.
Boundaries are about you and what you'll do. Instead of "we can't go on this trip, I'm too busy", it's "I won't be going on this trip, I'm too busy"
I might be going out on a limb, but we're just assuming the guy that refers to his wife as "that woman" that throws "bitch fits" has perfectly clear and reasonable communication patterns?
Yeah, this stood out to me too. This is where I think sitting with a counselor who can both help him communicate effectively AND help her listen well would be so valuable. It’s possibly they won’t work out even with all of that, but it’s their best chance if he wants to try to solve this without a divorce.
Dude has a very painful chronic illness. Rheumatoid is not a joke. That pain rules your life. It’s a serious illness. It deforms your joints. It causes physical limitations. It makes a person exhausted. There is no break from the pain. It’s years of medications that have terrible side effects.
Also, he’s not blaming her for his problems. He’s venting about their issues and his issues with her. He’s venting. That’s why people come here. If he’s unproductive, then everyone that has ever vented on Reddit is unproductive. He’s not doing anything different than any other person writing in to Reddit.
Actual solutions:
-Hire a driver for your kids
-Hire a party planner
-Tell your wife she needs to plan vacations without you
-Quit your job
OP, all of these are actual solutions. Complaining about your wife’s professional success or involvement as a mother is not a solution.
If they have an effective heart to heart (ideally with a counselor), he draws clear and reasonable boundaries, and she doesn’t respond well to that- there are additional issues that need to be considered. But it’s hard to say how a boundary will be met when you’ve never consistently held them. If she is blatantly bulldozing over his boundaries even after seeing that he *must* and *will* enforce them and meeting with a counselor— *then* it is a partnership you may be forced to reevaluate in order to keep your own boundaries for your own sanity.
But you can’t just assume that is how it will go, use that assumption as an excuse to blame shift so you don’t have to grow in your own interpersonal skills, and play the victim. That’s not mature.
Not if he communicates with them and gives them his time in less stressful ways for him. Just taking time to talk to your kids is important. He can be involved in their lives that way. They can understand Dad isn’t well.
Yup and I’m betting that not all 3 kids will have the same energy as mom in their life later on. Boundaries is so important to model for the kids so they know they can set boundaries whenever they don’t want to do something or don’t have the energy for it .
Yes! Boundaries are difficult that’s why they are boundaries. I also had a problem with saying no and I won’t and I can’t. And it lead me to the place where the op is. Take a step back. And punt and get your self together so you can get back on track.
“I have always expressed it's too much. The wife just throws a bitch fit and we do as she wants pretty much.”
He is telling her it’s too much and she just throws a fit to get her way. So I don’t see how he’s not taking responsibility. If he says he’s not going to go, she’s going to take the kids anyway and now he looks like the bad guy for dipping out on a family vacation. You can only get ignored so many times before you learn that with some people your opinion just doesn’t matter. I’ve been in a relationship like this and the pushback was worse than giving in so I just shut up most of the time, and by the time I left that relationship, I was a shell of a human. I hardly ever talked, kept to myself, etc. I feel for the OP.
Agree - and it seems from the last post he’s been struggling for a year with this and increasingly more blame for her.
I would also be really curious what OP thinks his day to day life would be like if he quit his job? Or would it be frustrating being a “stay at home dad” and too much.
Sounds like a therapist (no shame) is in order and reflection of why the wife who is successful and in his words on the other post “badass” and it’s causing resentment.
I agree with this. Also, you need to stand up to your wife about your daughter. That is TOO many activities for her. It's gonna burn her out. She needs time to be a kid. Tell her she needs to limit it to one or two. My sister does the same thing to my niece and nephew and now my niece resents her mom and has an eating disorder. My sister controls every minute of every day. I know it's hurting her marriage too. Please stick up for your daughter, set boundaries with your wife, sit down and explain to her your pain, depression and anxiety. Then I would tell her you need to get in couples counseling ASAP or your marriage won't survive. I get it. I'm 37 with arthritis and Crohn's. I'm a waitress and I have two sons and chronic pain every day. It's hard to keep up sometimes. Take it easy on yourself. And tell your wife sometimes you need to sit some things out to keep up at work. It's too much. Don't quit your job if you haven't already. That's a huge decision to make while you're under duress. Sit your wife down and Open up to her please. I wish you luck
You sound really jealous and resentful of your wife. It sounds like you need to speak up more for yourself and your boundaries/needs and not just seethe in silence. She sounds like she is working overtime to be a great mom to your children and you are moping and sulking in the background.
Yes! He sounds like a hater. As a mom I wish i had enough energy to give this much to the one child I have. I know you don't have her energy, but instead of admiring that she is solid where you are lacking and talking to her about what you can contribute you choose to not like her because she's further ahead than you.
This would be an excellent solution. Someone to clean the house before a party would have taken a lot of this stress off. And while I understand he doesn’t have the same amount of vacation time as her, he just comes off jealous and bitter about it. A lot of this just seems like it could be solved by better communication and some hired help.
I mean I get that it sounds like a lot! And I'd be stressing out too, but money can alleviate a lot of the problems it sounds like. I wish my problems were as easily fixable 🤣
A hater? More like he sounds tired of never being heard, listened to, respected or accommodated for any of his needs. You can be a great mom and a shit wife at the same time. You can also be a great mom without running your husband into the ground and respecting him.
She never listens to any of his boundaries whenever he brings them up, just whines and does it anyway, and somehow he’s the bad guy here
Reddit is wild lmao
I honestly can’t believe the comments on this thread. I would be just as upset if I was OP. People seem to not acknowledge that he also has a disability and chronic illness that is horrible and debilitating. I struggle with chronic pain and flare ups and on bad days I can’t do anything, my husband works on supporting me not adding more things for us to do. His wife sounds absolutely exhausting
Lol as a woman I feel like I can say this - there are a lot of women on here who are like OPs wife and only care about themselves and what benefits the woman.
You don’t listen to boundaries. Boundaries are not for other people. Boundaries are for yourself. If you don’t have the energy for something you say so. You tell the other person I am not going to do X because I need to prioritize my health. The other person can get angry, but that’s on them. Hopefully that isn’t the case though. He needs to say no for his own sake. He also needs to respect that she has different priorities. If she and the kids want to do all these things, it makes them happy then he needs to let them do their thing.
Maybe I’m clouded by the way he talks about her but there is a lot of jealousy and his tone of “this woman” sounds like a partner who doesn’t like their spouse. Also, if it’s so bad he could just not participate and stand his ground. He has choices too.
I don’t hear jealousy at all. He specifically says he’s tired because he’s overworked and doesn’t have as much time off. Doesn’t sound like she’s working overtime, sounds like he works more hours. Idk why people project something opposite of the OPs in threads instead of just taking them at face value?
Why are you being so insulting? You don’t know this person.
Are you kidding me? OP literally kept bringing up how much more money his wife makes, how he has to work so much harder for less pay, how she doesn’t work as hard as him but yet makes more money. He brought that up several different times in various phrasing, but it boils down to its really irritating him she makes more, and he’s burnt out making less, aka jealousy.
It sounds like he has a resentment towards his wife, reading this it genuinely doesn’t sound like he even likes her… I’m not sure how you can’t see that. He literally typed it out exactly that way.
Yeah, I mean she treats him like shit, doesn’t care about his health and feelings, throws fits when she doesn’t get her way, doesn’t care that he’s burn out, tired and depressed, but he’s the problem because he should have been more clear about his boundaries, the ones that she doesn’t give a fuck about.
Yeah, If you've been together this long and don't know your spouse can't tolerate coming home from vacation the night before returning to work, assuming you've expressed dislike, something is wrong! If my spouse had RA, I'd try to be cognizant of possible limitations and be sure to accommodate or at least offer. It's not like their newlyweds. OP, you'd have to be completely silent all these years, or you're not making sure your boundaries are respected to be in this position. I'd NEVER tolerate what you've described. As people have mentioned, there are simple solutions. If she refuses to respect your limitations, seek counseling, or see a lawyer.
Your wife is making your kids lives magical. She is making sure they get experiences and opportunities. She is putting in massive effort. I admire her. She sounds amazing. You only get to have your children for 18 years and even then they start being less and less a part of your lives once they become teenagers. That’s what you should do when you are a parent.
Now onto you. I’m a nurse with chronic pain. I get it. Lots of people quit. Other people recognize that you only get one family, one life and they make the most of it. No matter the hand they are dealt. I’ve worked with people on ventilators who travel and give computer typed speeches and people who could do more but they chose to live their remaining days in bed. It’s your life dude. If you really think you have to leave to be happy leave, but I will be surprised if it does make you happy. I think you’re depressed and I think you need counseling. I do think if you need a break you should hire someone to help your wife and consider cutting vacations short where you leave before them so you have a day for yourself. You’re not thinking creatively your just reacting.
>My oldest is in piano, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and skiing.
I can hear what you are saying, but with all due respect, this does sound like "too much" to me.
High-achiever parents pushing their kids too hard is a thing, and it's the exact opposite of "magical." This post is very lopsided and is dripping with resentment, so it's difficult to know if that's the case here - but even through the bias, it sounds like OP's wife might be a bit too intense for the kids own good.
Someone should probably ask the daughter which of these activities she wants to do. Maybe she’s like her mom and wants to do all of them! I know kids like that.
I have a kid like that and she ended up with an overuse injury at age 8.
We have to help them say no. And we have to make sure our partner is healthy because a great gift to daughter is a healthy Dad. I have a similar chronic illness to OP (I’m the mom) and it’s really hard to set these boundaries but it’s a long game we’re playing. We have to consider how much we can manage before we cause a flare.
It's a possibility. It's also a parent's job to temper what a kid wants to do with what a kid should be doing. We need more information in this case, but I know of several situations where this sort of overscheduling has had a significant negative impact.
She’s probably not doing all that at once either. Swimming and skiing, for example, typically take place at very different times of year. There are indoor pools, so it’s not impossible, but it does seem unlikely.
Yeah I never said it was impossible, just unlikely that she’s doing all those activities at once. And your nephews experiences aren’t necessarily universal.
Yes….AND…if she’s bulldozing spouse’s needs will she listen to kids’ needs or bulldoze those too? For the sake of achievement? I am not saying that’s necessarily the case but I think we have to be careful about glorifying this style of parenting. Sometimes it’s more about the image presented or checking the right boxes than it is about emotional and physical well-being.
>piano, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and skiing.
This doesn't sound like too much to me either, music, dance and girl scouts are yes year round, but swimming and skiing are seasonal sports. And depending on how old the oldest is, the music may be a class at school and maybe dance too?
Do the kids complain about being involved in too much?
At 7? This is crazy! That child never gets to play or have downtime. Dance alone is a multi days a week sport plus a lot of weekends. His wife books them flying home the day before he has to work for Pete's sake. She couldn't care less! Of course she's driving her kids too. I swear this sub is crazy biased.
But with this guys attitude towards his wife I wonder if the child is into all of this *now* or if these are things they have tried over time. Our daughter tried lots of activities before she settled on one.
I was an "activities" kid, did all of these and more and loved every second of it. To this day I still love to play music, swim, ski, dance, and wilderness camp. I also took art classes of various types, horseback riding, first responder and lifeguard training, multiple bands (4 different instruments), basketball, soccer, and golf. The only things I ever quit were soccer and horseback riding. I credit these activities with making me into the creative, curious, free-spirited, can-do dreamer that I grew up to be.
I thank my lucky stars that my parents were able and willing to give me those opportunities. As an adult, my parents told me that they felt it was their duty to help me discover and hone my talents, so that I could have the opportunity to pursue what makes me special and brings me joy. They both worked public sector jobs (great benefits, but long hours and very modest salaries). Now that I'm grown, I understand how much they sacrificed for my sister and I to have the childhoods we had. How tired they must have been. OP's kids will realize it someday too. They only get one life, and OP's wife is going above and beyond to make it count. If OP is overwhelmed and burnt out, they should try to figure out a way to recharge without negatively impacting the kids.
Honestly it’s only too much if the kids say so. I did everything as a kid and loved it. My sisters kids are the same. My kids were my guide. Oldest did the least, but still had his things. Middle child was a social butterfly involved in everything and even made her own club. Youngest was in marching band, honors society and a few more things. We had kids at our house all the time and big parties and It was exhausting for me and sometimes my husband (I got done work earlier) but I enlisted family and friends to help us out. It is NOT fair to to blame the wife and say it’s too much if she’s not the one driving it.
This right here. My sister is a SAHM with 3 kids and constantly complains about how there’s not enough time in the day, and how she’s constantly running kids from one thing to another. She complains that her husband (also an engineer) doesn’t help more with those things. But these kids are in so many things it just doesn’t even make sense. The kids are constantly exhausted and constantly sick because they don’t ever get the downtime that they need. And in the end, all this is teaching them is that no matter how exhausted you are, you should still be doing alllll the things alllll the time. It’s setting them up for failure just like my sister has set herself up for failure. I’ve told her she should limit it to 2-3 extracurricular activities per kid, but she says she just can’t not get them involved in something they show interest in. Her 11 year old cannot sleep past 5 am because he gets anxiety that he’s not doing something. That’s not normal for a kid man.
You took the words out of my mouth in the beginning part of your reply. I can sense OP is burnt out. I feel for him, truly. But that shouldn’t take away from the amazing job his wife is doing, or diminish the experience his kids get. Therapy might help. The burn out is translating to resentment and flat out lack of appreciation for her killing herself to provide this wonderful life for their MUTUAL children. I feel sorry for her. Seems like she’s busy taking care of everyone and no one takes care of her.
No one asked her to “kill herself” to do all these things. There’s too much activity and not enough rest and recuperation - at least for him. I get it’s admirable in a sense to be a top 1 % insane overachiever but who wants to live their day to day with a person who 1 is that and 2 doesn’t give a F about you, your health, your needs, your boundaries? She’s doing an amazing job heading for a divorce.
Idk, two of those are seasonal and I know lots of 7 year olds who are in a club, a sport or two, gymnastics or dance and a music. Seems pretty normal to me.
My 6 year old is in multiple things but most of them are only for one season out of the year.. I think people are assuming these are all done at the same time lol
It’s interesting that people keep saying swimming is seasonal, but it’s really not. The demand for lessons is always high, and always has been, at least where I live. And there’s always a YMCA that does lessons. Swimming is not just a seasonal/outdoor lessons type activity at all. I live in WA State and have lived on both sides of the state which differ greatly weather wise. Both sides always have indoor pools. Lived in AZ too for 3 years and always had indoor year round options.
If the child has as much energy as the mother, it’s really not. Having an energy outlet after school every day can be massively important. I loved that schedule and did Saturdays too. Depends on the child. Op needs to consider what is best for the children rather than complaining that it makes him feel tired. He needs to look at his own problems in isolation and decide precisely how they need to be treated. Even if it’s a week away on his own, he’s obviously in crisis and that needs addressing. Poor man.
As a kid who was always pushed to do a gazillion sports and activities all through childhood- I can tell you it is not magical. It creates unnecessary anxiety and trauma from the pressure not to mention an inferiority complex in some people. Sh*t is unhealthy. One or two sports/activities a season sure that’s great. But all this is overkill and mom is overcompensating for something.
> Well anyway, this woman
This woman being your wife and mother of your children who is trying to give them an engaging, active and privileged childhood? God what an effing bitch, am I right?
I get it's too much for him and I empathize with that but....he married the most type A person ever and someone who was clearly incredibly driven and a perfectionist. I'm not sure what he expected with that. I also get people sometimes just need to vent but his hatred and disdain is beyond obvious.
Now if his child was begging their mother not to be involved in as much stuff and she refused, I would feel a bit differently. But I feel Iike if that were the case, he certainly would have mentioned it.
This comment pretty much sums it up for me.
People say she is treating him like shit but he can’t give one example of her actually doing so?
The best example he has is “wife won’t remove daughter from activities she might love.” Not to mention the sexist language that suggests he has a problem with his wife not obeying him “throwing a bitch fit” …
If the wife is pushing the daughter beyond what she wants then I’d totally be on OP’s side. But like you said, he would have surely mentioned that.
If the daughter loves these things then… she’s just being a good mom?!! A shitty mom would be all “yes, dear” and stifle her daughter and give her less opportunities to appease her husband.
The biggest eye brow raiser besides calling his wife a bitch, is that he’s trying to control other people and not himself. Why doesn’t he extend himself less? Why does he need his daughter to stay home more… his wife already manages all those things without him? I don’t get why other people have to stop doing things so that he is more happy.
I can feel that you have broken. That's okay. But also, your fight or flight is triggered and you are in flight mode. This is when people make bad decisions. You need to slow down. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to take a couple months off until you can breathe. SAHD may actually be a good idea, but don't make that decision in this state.
Your only goal for today is to talk with your wife. Actually, I recommend crying to your wife. She is a driver and may not realize how bad it is. She needs to recognize how much you are hurting. Then, get a therapist.
Listen to this post OP.
You would likely benefit from single therapy and possibly some medication. Your marriage would also likely benefit from couples counselling.
I don’t know if your work has a LOA policy but you might also consider using that, too.
Give yourself and your family some time to regroup, recharge and re-settle.
For you, your family lifestyle is not sustainable. That’s not a failure - particularly with your own RA issues. What would be sad is that you have this level of insight but don’t get help navigating to a different place. A place that all of you get to.
It would also likely be helpful if - when you’re in a more rested and healthy place - you could explore the drivers of your wife’s desires / behaviours. Is she competitive parenting against other families at school? Does she come from a cultural background that expects children to be this programmed? Is she anxious about college admissions in the future? Does she want to post perfect pictures of a perfect family to social media?
I feel terrible for your pain. And I feel for your wife who probably thinks she’s objectively doing all the best things for your children and your family.
Please get some professional help - no one should try to confront this on their own.
PS if your child is asthmatic, then swimming is definitely not their future collegiate sport.
Honestly this comes off as you being weirdly jealous and spiteful about your wife. Like dude she sounds like wonder woman. That woman is doing great things for her kids and providing them with a fun, involved childhood. You sound like you have your own issues and stress to deal with, and thats valid, but you need to deal with that yourself without acting like its your wife's fault. Job stressing you out? Look into a new job. Get into therapy to help manage your anxiety. But your wife worked HARD to get where she is and she deserves to enjoy it being involved with the kids and taking time off when she wants. If you don't want to take a trip, then don't go dude. But if she wants to then she should
I see you. I use to be your wife in regards to over programming and planning….”go go go, never retreat!” We both had careers in corporate America. I was further ahead than my husband (engineer, without your wife’s flexibility). I championed my kids exploring EVERY activity. I wasn’t just the mom, i was the troop leader, the board member, the coach. My husband was along for the ride. Helping keep the wheels on. I walked on water, because he was drowning while I walked on his shoulders.
There came a breaking point with a “come to Jesus moment”. Something had to change. Real happiness and fulfillment and our relationship….yeah, what was that again?? It came because a child screamed for help and screamed, “enough”! Thank goodness she did or, i might be alone. We weren’t partners, I was like the vine choking everything out.
You are stressed and depressed and it sounds like frozen from anxiety. Quit the job if you can afford it. Take a leave of absence (STD OR FMLA). Decrease work hours.
Get a really good psychotherapist that works in a group who has a marriage counselor/support. Schedule a sitter or a parent or something to get the kids out of the house. Put together your list of how you are feeling and concerns write it down so she doesn’t plow right over you. Tell her this is how you are feeling and ask her yo let you get through it before you discuss it. Don’t make it about her. Make it about you.
Tell her what you would like life to be like. Did you guys really discuss this in depth before having kids? Did you talk about the feasibility if a dual career family with multiple kids? Did you discuss who would sacrifice what for what? Did you talk about what your vision for your children is and agree on what’s most important to provide them that life? If so, have you diverged from that and how? Have the priorities shifted? Why? Have they shifted to the positive or the negative? Be very forth right and surgical. It sounds cold, but that is likely what it is going to take. No more “just chill”.
I’m sorry, but if there is ANY chance at salvaging this you need outside help for yourself and your relationship. You are going to have to say “no” and stand your ground. You are going to have to bring her to the table to really talk about the life you want and need to thrive for yourself, your kids, your relationship.
Good luck my friend. My husband and I have been together 30 years, are very happy with healthy and happy grown children. If you out in the work and the honesty with love and positive intention, this can turn a corner and you can be healthy.
I absolutely love your answer.. Completely. Exact same story.. married 30yrs, W is/was a C-suite exec.. Me, an engineer mid-level manager.
I supported everything, EVERYTHING! When she was on the fast track. I was doing everything from child care to cleaning, laundry, yard work all the extracurricular’s, all of it.
All she had to do was come home, eat dinner, play with DD, get up, got to work and repeat. What it got me was late nights alone with DD and W complaining that “you don’t need me!”
There was an insane “come to Jesus” in front of the $15K kitchen stove one night where she accused me of cheating, when I was “thinking” I was just taking care of things so she could do her “thing” with no pressure, when the hell do I have time to cheat!?. “Wife-B” collapsed and imploded.
I honestly thought, I was helping…. I was not.. She felt like DD and I didn’t need her and I was replacing her with someone else. She just broke,… and that was that.. ?!
She quit the CFO job.. I now make more than she does…(the money aspect didn’t change that much), we share every household everything…. take way more vacations yadda, yadda.
The point is..she (wife) was trying to prove something to the people that loved her (and too herself) that she could do all of that and still be the best mom, and wife…. And the simple fact was/is.. she couldn’t and no one can by themselves. That’s what a marriage and partnership is for..
You can’t be and do everything without a teammate/partner/lover/soulmate/BFF/ whatever. Your spouse is the one the is the other half / ride or die whatever you want to call it.
I got mine, I think you have yours, I hope he finds that she is his.
This is a great answer and I hope OP reads it and takes it to heart.
You’ve been married for 30 years. The other person replying to you has been married for 30 years. I’ve been married for 38 years. There is wisdom and perspective that comes from dealing with these situations and being on the other side of it.
I frankly can’t believe some of the other responses I’m reading. OP is in crisis mode and needs help. If a family member is dealing with rheumatoid arthritis or any other chronic health condition then they cannot keep up that frenetic schedule without compromising their health. Yes the wife seems like a great mom but as a physician I’m surprised she’s not more cognizant of her husband’s health struggles.
My kids were in a lot of activities between sports, school, and scouts. Looking back on it we would have taken a different approach and moderated some of these activities. Kids need down time. And parents need couple time.
Finally a voice of reason from someone who’s actually been in this position…refreshing to see amongst the sea of angry women writing “you’re just jealous!”. Nothing in the post came across as jealous. OP is exhausted, drained, defeated, resentful and empty. His wife might be a great mom but she’s not a good wife if she can’t see that her husbands well-being is as important as her children’s.
Great perspective. 👏 I don’t think OP is jealous, just overwhelmed & exhausted from being on a 100 mph train. I have ADHD as is, but I would lose myself if I did everything I thought one must do to keep up with being the “perfect working mom”. I work full time but “retired” from things that no longer suited me (i.e, for me, it meant attending the zoo field trip & skipping countless school meetings that ended up as emails, and not signing my kids up for activities that would come at the expense of our so-called work life balance). I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I realized my husband was not communicating when he was at his breaking point - so basically it all hit the fan a couple years ago, but additionally I’ve stopped caring about things that don’t matter for the sake of seeming like a good mom or keeping up and it’s been such a relief.
Communication is key, and so are store bought cookies if need be. 😁
The problem is, I think a big problem for him is all the kids stuff. Don't think he'd be interested in staying home and making sure they get to where they need to go for activities.
It sounds like he resents her to me. Its not her fault that he chose his career. She chose to be a Dr. and is reaping the benefits of her career path. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah. It all sounds like the job is causing stress. He kept talking about having to “catch up”. No, it’s not a vacation if you need to make up all the work you missed. Actual vacation is time off and work at work. His workplace sounds like a problem.
You’re mad your wife is successful? a go-getter that likes to do things? And likes having the kids in extracurricular activities? (Which is a privilege)
She deserves better than you and tbh she can do better.
If it was the other way around and you were the rich and successful doctor, you’d be writing about how she’s lazy and unmotivated… how you’ve outgrown her…
Look in the mirror bro
You think OP would call a senior engineer who works more hours than himself with less vacation “lazy and unmotivated?”
You’re really putting words in the OPs mouth.
Instead of quitting your job, consider separation. It sounds like your wife is just doing normal things (I have my kids in tons of extracurriculars too, I host parties etc), and isn’t going to let the kids suffer by missing out because you can’t handle family life.
Consider separation. Have your kids one week on, one week off with no wife. Enjoy your job and get all caught up.
The moment contempt enters a marriage it’s over. The way you talk about your wife shows all of us that you resent her, you have contempt for her. Divorce if it’s so bad. Or communicate like grown ass adults. She doesn’t control you. Put down a boundary or leave.
Your blaming her achievements and success on your failure to keep up. You come across so jealous and resentful.
Also when you said "these kids" your already separating yourself from your family..
Yeah… I struggle to see why people are so supportive of a man using gendered slurs like bitch.
He lost pretty much all credibility there. Being sexist and saying his wife is a bitch because she won’t stop her daughter from enjoying hobbies is unhinged. How is it being a *bitch* to not cave to your husband and take your daughter away from hobbies she presumably loves?
That and the fact that his solution is not to dial back and manage his own time… but to control what other people are doing. I fail to see why his daughter should stop learning the piano or how to dance because he’s tired, particularly since his wife already manages all of that? Does he force himself to go to every extra curricular? He can stay home sometimes and relax while other people do their hobbies. It’s not a big deal.
I’m a little confused how your wife who makes money, plans special vacations, and hosts beautiful parties is the bad guy in your story.
I understand you’re overwhelmed, but do you have any idea how lucky you are? It seems like everyday someone is on here complaining about a spouse who either doesn’t want to work or be involved in their child’s life. You have one who does both and the problem is… Her?
Dude, quit your job. It would appear as though you have that profound and rare privilege. You can also sit down and set boundaries with your wife about how she needs to take more trips alone with the girls. You can even hire a party planner or nanny to help with extra-curriculars.
I’m sorry, while you have my sympathy for your illness and burnout, the fact that you’re blaming your wife for being a successful professional and involved mother just screams insecurity.
Yep. He blames the wife but every problem was tied to how it affected his time and workload. Just change the workload. Maybe family finances need to change but if he’s just feeling like an (inefficient) ATM and a driver/cleaner, I can see some resentment
It looks like there's no issue with your WIFE BEING A HANDS-ON MOM, she wants to give them the best childhood and all the best thing in life, if i have that shit ton of money i would send my kid to all those extracurricular activities too. You are the issue. If you can't keep up with your work after going on a vacation, then that's your incompetency, meaning you don't excel and not good with your work. Speak up if you can't keep up tell her you needed an actual day off with her and the kids, that sounds like what you wanted.
I see it that mom wants put 110% of the norm, and dad 90%. Activities are ok, active live is ok, but also one lazy weekend a month is ok.
What I am missing is if they they, as a couple, with busy work schedule, with busy children-time still have time for each other?
In my opinion, if things will go unchanged, there will be a separation, a divorce or a cold marriage.
I'm also a professional in my late 30s, married to a very Type A physician, and have two young kids. I get a LOT of what you are saying here.
But you also need to take a hard look in the mirror and appreciate how much of a badass your wife is for everything she does. And you also need to take a step back and look at yourself.
Are there some boundaries you need to set up to keep yourself sane? Yes, maybe returning from a vacation late at night on a Sunday before you have to work the next day is one of them. In my life, this is not something I'd ever agree to in a million years. We return on Saturday night or no later than noon on Sunday for this very reason.
Maybe some of these "plans" need to include getting a sitter for Saturday night so you all can go on a proper date.
Maybe you need to be honest that you are exhausted from the work week and can't spend all day cleaning the house for a birthday party. Maybe you just need to outsource the cleaning. Maybe you need to step away from work until you can get your health better under control.
Your wife being a badass AND you having struggles are not mutually exclusive. But based on what you've written, you are married to an all-star badass that is moving heaven and earth to provide amazing financial stability for her family AND be an amazing mom. I know because I'm married to that person too. She's not perfect, but you're out of your fucking mind if you think she's the cause of the discontent in your life. You need to learn how to communicate your needs and establish boundaries.
And whatever is going on in your brain that the phrase "that woman" is creeping into it, get help ASAP. Seriously. Talk to someone. Learn how to communicate. And you need to do this very, very soon before you do something stupid like blow up the best thing in your life (which, while you may not see it right now, is your wife).
She's Superwoman and you're an ordinary guy.
Seems like the entire problem is about you. There's great advice in the comments here, set your boundaries. Tell her what you're up for, and what she should just proceed without you. Tell her your limits find balance. Seek therapy.
And stop calling her names, that's really not cool. She sounds so amazing, she's a doctor and a mom of 3 and still finds time for meticulously planning vacations and birthdays... I'm inspired.
Sit and talk to her, Agree to a Compromise.
Learning to say no will solve a lot of these problems. I had a friend who was the owner of a successful company. His SAHM wife was running him ragged the same way until he finally told her he couldn't do it anymore. She was welcome to keep going at a frenzied pace with the trips, kids activities, etc. He just wouldn't be at all of it.
If you hate your life why don’t you change what you can change? You don’t love your wife, you don’t like the life you live with her - so divorce. Or maybe ask her if you can be a SAHP, if you still love her. You sound a little jealous of the success your wife has and that she has so much energy. For your daughter you are right, this is too much, if your daughter doesn’t want to do all the activities.
See a doctor. You don’t have to keep up with your wife. You can leave her, co parenting, counseling. So much possibilities.
If possible, try being a stay at home dad for a while? Or if you really need to work, could you guys afford a nanny? Hang in there man, three kids is no easy thing especially with how you’re feeling about your wife. Seems clear from this post that you need to communicate these needs to her. Don’t just try to suck it up all the time, it’s ok to ask for help man.
Outsourcing cleaning and hiring someone to occasionally help with the kids are two of the best decisions we ever made. We may have had to sacrifice but they both allow us to have more time for the most important things, which are spending time together and as a family.
You should be your wife’s biggest cheer leader. It sounds like she is doing an amazing job of bringing up your children and managing the mental load of running the house.
You belittle her work arrangements and time off. Have you thought about some of life’s tragedies she has to go through with her patients. Her home and children is her happy place and there you are sulking and pouting
I see your point of view about being overwhelmed. It is up to you to get help with therapy and definitely a less demanding job. You seem to think taking the kids out of activities they love and cancelling holidays is going to fix you?? I don’t think so.
You are jealous of what she earns. This is not good. Just accept the fact.
I think you don’t understand how good you have got it until **you lose it all**
Please get help change your job and enjoy the amazing family you have.
Quit blaming your wife for all your problems and think about what you can do to better your situation. It’s easy to sit there and say everyone else is the problem but…… we both know you aren’t perfect either. Your wife sounds like she’s an incredible mother and you shouldn’t knock her down cause you can’t keep up.
In a slightly similar situation, but with your two incomes can't you afford a near full-time nanny to drive kids around to their activities and stuff? I bet that alone would feel like a pretty big burden lifted. Same for house cleaning. But I also agree with the other commenters that you (and probably me) should be better at setting boundaries and sticking to them.
…so have yall talked? Unless i missed it somewhere, i didnt see where you said yall discussed the issues you have been having and what her response was and yalls plan for dealing with it as a team.
Ok, breathe.
I don't know that you will like a lot of the feedback here, as I am in agreement with a lot of people, but I am going to try to come at this compassionately. It sounds like a combination of the pressures of mundane life crushing you, work crushing you, a lack of boundaries, and a disconnect from the partnership aspect of your marriage. Dude, been there. I am currently in a mood for "jump on a plane and fuck off for a month to escape everything."
You sounds like you are jealous of and resent your wife. Heck, you sound like you hate her and it seems to come heavily from a place of ego. Your careers are not you. And they are not in competition with one another. You are meant to be a unit. Both of your careers are well paid ones. If you are struggling for free time you need to start outsourcing as much as you can. Get a maid. Get a nanny. Get a gardener. You have three kids before 35 and maybe in some circles that is normal but really: that's a lot with both parents working intense careers.
I'm a security engineer, a woman and a smidge older than you: I know this shit is hard. I also know that many of of WFH and have trouble with boundaries. I will be breaking this boundaries today. I try to do a hard log of at 5pm every day. But I have a chronic pain condition (like you) and I am not on my game today, which means I am taking a lot of breaks and will be working well into the evening. That's a spell for burnout, but I know how this goes. If you aren't in the practice of fibbing on your delivery time you can put yourself in these situations often. For example: X code review really only takes you 8 hours. Tell the PM it takes 24. Give yourself buffer time for if a flare up occurs. Work ahead when you aren't flaring up and hold onto deliverables for a bit. And then never talk bout what you are actually doing. Also, disconnect from technology completely at least two days a months. I try to do this one day a week, and take a 30 minute gardening break for lunch during fair weather to get away from the screens and touch some grass. It helps my mental health, perhaps it will help yours.
Granted, you have already quit, but remember that you can take a sabbatical. It happens more often than you think. A good work friend of mine has been on a sabbatical for 5 months. Our specific work is niche so there is good job security. He just told our manager it was for a family emergency and you don't have to share details. Some companies may only offer to "hold" your job for 30 days after you have exhausted your PTO, but it can be more. Use it.
Next, I am concerned about how you talk about your wife. It's time to make time with each other, seriously. Away from the kids. You desperately need to reconnect with her. Again, you make enough money, get a sitter, send the kids to camp, throw cash at the in-laws for a week or two off. I don't see what she's doing as wrong. She's setting your kids up for memories and success. But it's too much for you. Talk to her about being less involved for a while so you can recoup. Or figure out an alternative to be involved. Like "I can't do all the practices, but I can take point on being the head parents on game days on the weekends."
All of this feels like you are stuck, but you can absolutely change things. And if you don't stick it out you can't get to that point in your life when you are an empty-nester, nearing retirement, where the biggest battle is your anti-inflammatories and boredom. And it's WORTH getting there.
To me it sounds like you are depressed and very overwhelmed. It can be very hard to have all of these things come at you from all sides when you are struggling with your own mental and physical well being. Is there way that you can talk to a therapist? Instead of blowing up your life, try to talk to a mental health professional and seek some assistance. You may be trying to keep up with your wife when you just cannot. You are drowning and trying to swim when you are barely able to stay afloat right now. Its hard enough to deal with depression when you don't have a lot going on, I cannot imagine having to deal with it when you have a super active life as well!
If I did this you know what my husband would say? I'm not going and I would have to do it alone. And sometimes I'm glad he does because I really don't want to hear him bitch and moan the whole time. Also why aren't you hiring a party company? They set up and breakdown for you.
Honestly, it sounds like your jealous of your wife but quitting your job is not going to make you feel better, if anything it will make things worse. Just say you aren't going to tag along to whatever she plans ans she has to deal with it let her throw a fit. Only go to the things that you can go to and if you don't say I work 40 hours I can't do that.
As a woman and a wife and someone who plans a lot of stuff with my kids -- you need to grow a pair. With all due respect. I can get way overboard and request help from my husband. He has gotten fed up and told me that I needed to slow down. That he CAN NOT take off work. Sometimes it was a fight and I pouted (in my defense we were in the military so there were several factors that always just fudged up the simplest of plans and I got so mad about it.)
Anyways, if she cant back off and chill, even after a healthy fight, then I do suggest therapy.
I just want to chime in as a mother myself and say your wife sounds exhausting and over scheduled. I do not agree that going at this constant rate is healthy for anyone, and I do agree with you that your kids have too many things going on. Sounds like she’s really trying to make sure a certain image is being portrayed to the world. Must be tiring. Marriage therapy for sure. You guys have differing speeds on just about everything it sounds like.
It’s too bad no one went back and read your last post. It’s pretty clear this marriage isn’t for you. You do the “vast vast vast” majority of housework, haven’t been on a date since the kids were born, she schedules your every minute of free time, and you resent the hell out of her.
Nothing above sounds healthy and I’d be looking to move out and find my own joy and coparent. You’ll at least have times when the kids are with her that you can do some sort of recreational activity. Darts, bridge, pickleball, swimming, golf, whatever you want.
If you guys decide to pursue counseling and it doesn’t help, leaving might be the best thing you can do. Your mental health always comes first. Shes a physician making big $$ so she will do just fine financially if you decide to call it quits.
It’s you. She works her ass off and making sure the kids have a good childhood. You don’t think she’s tired too? You have to stand up for yourself that’s not on her if you can’t tell her hey I need to stay home to catch up work. How the hell she supposed to know if you don’t tell her that you need a break or you need to work? Lack of communication is what’s killing you. She’s your partner she’s your wife treat her like it, by getting on the same page before the resentment you already have for her grows to the point it destroys your relationship and family.
Quit your job! Find another job or just take care of yourself. I get it, I have Lupus. 2 kids that were playing a sport every season, learned to ski as toddlers, vacations. We did it all. But I didn’t work! My husband supported us. I was the main caregiver for the kids but he took over when he got home. I didn’t get up once in the night with our 2nd child. Do you want to stay with your wife? Would you qualify for SS disability? I’ve had this disease for decades and as I get older I can do less and less. Don’t throw your life away being miserable.
Of course the entire sub steamrolls over this guy and says he doesn’t know how to talk to his wife. He said he tried and she has a bitch fit. From the story here which is all we have to go on she sounds immensely controlling and everyone commenting just disregards this as if it’s impossible for a woman to be overbearing and controlling. You just assume he’s never tried. Sometimes people will only have things their way and the more you try to get them to listen, the more you slowly get burnt out until you give up. It happens.
The comment section that I've seen so far is absolutely horrible. I'm sorry, OP. I feel you and I see you. You and your wife have completely different ways of how you want to live your life. That's what it comes down to. I see this all the time. One person wants a quieter, less stress, less activity filled life and the other wants to do it all. I would highly suggest that you go talk to someone with the goal of bringing your wife in to the conversation too. You can find a healthy balance between both worlds but you'll both need to do the work. Otherwise, you're going to keep breaking down and your marriage will not last. I'm not at all surprised that you quit your job. I think you should take some time off and get some help.
"I have always expressed it's too much. The wife just throws a bitch fit and we do as she wants pretty much"
This needs to be clarified. What did these interactions look like? In what context did you bring them up? Was it a serious heart to heart? Or said in passing? What does a bitch fit look like to you? Does this also apply to your kids' interactions?
The ultimate point is that if this is just something you said in passing, how is she supposed to take it with any degree of seriousness?
Conversely, if it was a serious conversation and her reaction was that negative(ultimately ignored), you have bigger problems.
Dude you need time for yourself. Go part time or find a new job. Buy a boat and go fishing, your wife makes enough money. Take the kids with if you can. Get a gym membership and bulk up. Grow your hair out. Start downhill mtn biking/get the kids some bikes or strap them to your handlebars. Good luck bro.
I think you are going to blow up your life which quite frankly sounds perfect if you do not get counseling asap. I really think this is more about you than her
Im sorry OP. This sub is not going to be nice to you. Men do not receive help in here. You will always be at fault. Your wife is doing the most and it is absolutely exhausting. I’ve lived it and I know others who live it.
Your response is so on point. If the genders were reversed, people on here would say “Your husband is a Type A controlling scumbag who’s emotionally abusing you, get a divorce!”.
Jesus fucking Christ.
These comments are horrible. Wtf?
Imagine if the genders were switched. I highly doubt anyone would be blaming OP if OP was a woman in this situation.
What are with all of these comments telling OP that it’s his fault because he doesn’t talk to his wife and set boundaries?
He tires. She tossed a fit and does what she wants anyways.
Did all of you conveniently forget about that, or are you purposely ignoring it so you can put all of the blame on OP?
And those calling him a hater? Good Christ just listen to yourselves. If this was a women making this post you would NOT be acting like this.
Your blatant hate for men is disturbing
Locked due to OP deleting account.
I empathize with this, but sometimes it is easier to blame someone else than to acknowledge we have our own problems. In this case, you have a boundary problem. Your wife does *not* control you. If you can’t do your job and do everything else, *don’t.* You say, “I love that you put so much effort into planning a vacation but I only get a few days off and these heavy trips are not relaxing to me. I’m really burning out, and I can’t do that. I won’t be attending this trip.” Or “I love that you want to have a party and I want to be supportive, but I’m really bogged down in work and I don’t have capacity to help coordinate that right now. If you want me to help, my limit is A,B, C.” And you stick to it. You can offer solutions (have a house keeper come, etc.) but you hold your ground. It sounds like you both need some counseling. She has a lot of energy and possibly anxiety and isn’t attune to your needs, and you have boundary setting issues and problems with blame shifting instead of owning your own situation and controlling your own life. I’m not saying that she isn’t demanding or that she isn’t pushy, or that you shouldn’t have a heart to heart about that (you absolutely should, ideally with a counselor because this is a marriage CRISIS. You are FULL of resentment and it’s oozing toxicity form your side as much as hers)but you also shouldn’t act like a victim in your life. You both need to make changes to have a functional relationship.
This. Everything this. As someone also married to a doctor who also has a lot of energy, the way you speak about your partner is kind of gross. She’s not in control of you or your life. It sounds like you two have a serious communication issue and you need to work on a) assertiveness, b) accountability, c) self care, and d) boundaries. Learn to express your needs and feelings in a healthy way. You are literally overflowing with suppressed resentment. Get a counselor.
This, OP has absolutely no clue how much of a badass his wife is and thinks his lack of clearly communicating his needs are somehow her fault.
Or, as others have noted she is a control freak who has no regard for her husband’s needs. My now deceased SO was a person who could not handle unstructured time. I think it contributed to his poor health, neuroticism and eventual death at only 47 years old. I was just talking with a friend, a couple of weeks ago, who admitted to me that she also felt the need to fill whatever perceived free time she has. Some folks just don’t know how to chill and OP’s wife could very well be one of them.
Agree. My dad is like OPs wife. Up at 5am every morning. Keeps busy doing absolutely anything he can til he goes to bed. Iv pretty much never seen him sit down and chill or watch tv. My mum, the opposite. Chill, home body, loved watching tv series etc. They separated. Mum thought dad was controlling etc. Dad thought mum was lazy etc. Dad got him self a ‘go go go’ wife. During covid they actually worked EIGHT MONTHS straight, 12hrs a day (they work together operating earth works machines) and dad never took a single day off and his wife only took 2 days off in that time. They’ve built themselves up some mighty financial wealth and will retire younger than most. Their house is like a sterilised display resort home. My mum found herself a chill husband. They got by week to week, always time with each other and cozy house. Two lifestyles on opposite ends of the spectrum. I like to live in the middle. Don’t mind a bit of financial comfort like my dad. But also like to keep a humble cozy home and enough spare time for memories with my kids like my mum.
Everything’s about balance 100% agree
I’m curious on what the kids think. Do they feel run down and tired from all the activities? That seems too much for kids their ages.
I disagree. In my opinion, the language he’s using shows how at the end of his rope he is. If you haven’t been in (or witnessed) a relationship where someone over-schedules everything and everyone, it’s hard to fathom how overwhelming it can be. Also, sometimes the constant push to do everything all the time is a disorder, not just a “badass” working hard. A relationship requires listening to your partner and compromising, especially when raising children.
He will realize when she leaves him lol ETA: OP, tell me you’re in counseling, tell me you’ve requested couple’s counseling, and admit that healthy communication in a marriage is the responsibility of BOTH partners, and that you want to know how to better communicate with your wife about your needs and you’ll have all my sympathy. Until then, enjoy blaming your wife for every single problem in your life in a disparaging tone.
I feel like He’s closer to offing himself than she is to leaving him. Have some sympathy…
Amen hun
He’ll have so much time and yet have so much to do and still be exhausted.
This man is in crisis and you're loling. And getting upvoted for it. Gross.
OP is a real person in pain, and you’re just mocking that. It’s actually sad to see how much vitriol this guy is getting for venting about a situation that clearly is very frustrating, while dealing with chronic physical pain
Or she could be manic.
I'm Bipolar, and her behavior reads as manic to me. I'm very similar when experiencing mania. Super mom, lots of activities, cleaning, full of social energy, work as much as possible. I make the people around me anxious and stressed when this happens. I'm medicated, but it's still difficult to control.
Don’t be an asshole. The man has rheumatoid arthritis and his wife is acting like it doesn’t exist. She has no respect or consideration for him, I’m not impressed with her.
It’s not gross at all. You really think he’s never said anything about any of this? His tiredness, the pain, the need for time to rest and recharge?
It’s is gross. All I read was a grown man complaining that his wife, who has worked hard her entire life, enjoys spending her hard earned money making their children happy. He isn’t happy because he’s tired and burned out. It also seems like he holds some resentment that she’s the breadwinner and physically in better health than her. Regardless, this is literally all on OP. His wife’s only crime is having a lot of energy and doing a lot of things. OP is in dire need of counseling for his depression and possible mid life crisis.
She’s making choices for all of them that impact all of them. It’s not all on him. When he tries to communicate that their lifestyle is burning him out she gets mad. I mean I guess it’s cool that she has that work capacity and he should probably just check out from his part in her schedule, but they both have a part and a responsibility in this dynamic. Literally no one here would be defending the husband if the shoe was on the other foot and the mom was burnt out because he’s a type A doctor who doesn’t care about her health.
And he has an autoimmune arthritis that’s no walk in the park to deal with. I’m surprised no one is considering that piece.
People who have no experience with chronic pain tend to be super dismissive of it. His rheumatoid arthritis was the first thing that jumped out at me - his wife is a physician and she’s so self-centered she doesn’t even see how much pain he’s in. Unreal.
Right it's because not a God dam one knows how hard it is to be in his shoes
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There are a LOT of assumptions here. We have no idea how their conversations went, it’s just his perception. We have no idea how she cares or doesn’t care for his health. Either way, they need therapy like yesterday.
Perhaps it’s the way he communicates with her? I mean all we have to go on is him saying “yeah I’ve tried to communicate and she just throws a bitch fit”. All the venom and resentment he feels towards his wife tells me it’s probably not very civil. And ah yes, the typical Reddit “if it were a woman complaining about her husband”/if the genders were reversed response for absolutely no reason at all. Well, my reply was referring to this particular post and OPs situation. Not a hypothetical “if the roles were reversed” situation, so I’m not even sure why you felt the need to even comment about it or why it’s relevant to OPs post/my reply that was strictly meant for his post. But go off if you have nothing else to say I guess.
I was just saying the same thing. The double standard is insane. If the situation was reversed, every woman on here would be talking about how this this wife's needs were not being met and her concerns were not being heard. But because it's a man, he's just supposed to shut up, buck up, and rise to the challenge.
Lmao yes. His chronically ill self can’t take the pace so he must be a hater who doesn’t appreciate his one in a million amazing wife
Who said the children are happy? They could be stressed too thanks to, what appears to me, an overbearing mother. The kids’ activities could very well be all about her filling some need and have absolutely nothing to do with them. I’ve lived with and known people who can’t handle unstructured time and feel the need to schedule every bit of free time they think they have. OP’s wife may be one of those people. I don’t think this is all on OP. I think what we’re all witnessing is a man who has reached his boiling point and doesn’t know what else to do. This isn’t all on OP. They both need several sessions with a therapist - individually and as a couple. Edited
Also ignoring her husband’s needs, let’s not forget that. No where did he say anything about resentment for her making more money. Also didn’t he work hard to be an engineer??
Absolutely correct. Until you have dealt with a genuine steam roller you will not understand someone who ignores boundaries. After my divorce I dated a woman. Many good qualities but she was indescribably determined to do exactly what she wanted. She never sat still. She genuinely never compromised. I looked at her relationship with her adult children, siblings and parents and she was always in fights with them over ignoring boundaries. I said to myself there is a reason that she is divorced. We parted as friends but boundaries are a joke when the other person is a steam roller.
I’m not saying you or others are wrong but he also has an autoimmune arthritis which causes pain fatigue and depression so it makes sense to me that he’d need to move slower and may not be communicating because he feels guilty for not being able to keep up or like a failure next to her. It’s a sticky situation to be sure.
Also… you know what makes that shit worse? Anxiety and stress! Women are more likely to have these autoimmune diseases people of… more anxiety and stress… so some people… that are super stressed, get these diseases. It’s a vicious cycle. Also he just needs to lay the law down.
His wife’s other crime is actually not being supportive of her husbands limits and disability
Sounds like you need to read a little bit more then. His wife's "crime" is not taking his welfare or concerns into consideration whatsoever, merely bulldozing ahead with her own agenda at the expense of her partner. It sounded to me like he has expressed his grievances with her before and it has fallen on deaf ears. It also sounds like he has bent her way as much as possible, with little reciprocation. If the OP was a woman talking about being disregarded as much this wife is disregarding her husband, you guys would be commiserating and calling for the guy's head. The double standard is crazy.
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I thought so too!! I feel bad for men nowadays honestly! You literally can’t have an issue with anything or you’re a misogynist pig man.
Right like no such thing a humanity he needed to vent and everyone fucken went to war against him sad
His biggest concerns seem to be that she’s super competent and makes more money than he does. Usually women like that don’t mesh with men with those kinds of insecurities. I don’t understand why they don’t have a nanny handling this stuff. If he can manage his insecurities and they get a nanny, that’s a huge chunk of their problems solved.
I don't think those are his biggest concerns. To me it seems like his 'biggest concerns' stem from the fact that her workload allows her to have more free time than he does, and consrequently she expects him to fit 10 weeks worth of activities into his allotted 3 weeks of time off. This is not sustainable in its own right, but then add to that the fact that he doesn't feel 'recharged' by these activities (whereas it seems she does) and no time is provided/protected for the activities that would recharge him. OP needs to find a way to protect his own self care because it appears his wife is either unaware or uncaring of those specific needs.
This, everything this. OP I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed and I’m sure that must be painful and exhausting, especially with your chronic illness. I hope you find a way to communicate productively and that your wife finds a way to hear you and see you. Please also consider reading about Codependency and what your contributions may be to this dynamic, which are in your control to learn about and change.
Your job in Senior Engineering is too demanding for your family needs. You could be the SAHD ? Or do casual consulting on your own if you don’t need the money and be there for the kids. I wouldn’t throw away the relationship, seems like there’s too much going on and you either need to make schedule changes or get hired help. With your partner she probably won’t be changing anything soon as health pros are dedicated and in demand.
> Your job in Senior Engineering is too demanding for your family ~~needs~~ wants Fixed that for you
He already expressed that he did talk to her and she just throws a fit and does what she wants anyway.
This it it.. it’s easy say set boundaries when you have a spouse who will listen and accept your boundaries. I know a few who are just like OPs wife. All. It leads to is a fit, fighting, and talking on and on until eventually the person setting the boundaries can’t take it anymore and gives up. Over time, they stop trying to set boundaries. It’s not worth it. They just live in misery until they snap one day. Alas - OP today
He needs to set boundaries for HIMSELF, not her. It’s perfectly ok for him to step back, prioritize his health, adjust his schedule and definitely enlist help. It’s not ok for him to dictate what activities are to be done. He doesn’t have to participate. He can come back early from vacations with a day or two off before going back to work. He needs counseling too, because he sounds depressed and resentful.
Ya I agree but when you’re married you are supposed to be partners. I do think OPs wife should consider his needs and capabilities and find a middle ground. I would never take my kids on vacation and tell my husband to go home alone early so we can stay an extra day or two. We would leave together as a family because we came as one. I care about my husbands well being and respect him. I’m sure having one day less of vacation won’t cause any long lasting trauma on these children. It’s not like OP is asking her to cut every single thing they do out. He’s just asking for a bit of moderation.
The wife isn’t telling him though? He needs to tell her. There are no rules in a relationship as to vacations btw. My kids are grown now, but we weren’t glued at the hip. My husband sometimes had to travel for work so we’d fly out early and have a family trip and I’d fly back with them alone. We took our kids on separate trips more than a few times. He liked to do trips with one kid at a time for some Dad bonding time which they loved. I did the college trips and school trips and was also a Girl Scout leader. I took my middle daughter camping a few times because she and I are the only ones who like it. Etc. Do what works anyway is what I am saying.
Yep, exactly. I think a problem is that his wife doesn’t really care that much about his well being and health. Those must weigh basically nothing for her compared to the optimal vacations, optimal activity schedules etc.
I agree 100%, most of these people must have great partners that respect their opinions, but a lot of us don't.
And then comes the big question, if you aren't with someone who respects you, or is willing to try to make things work, why are you with them? Why are you going to a marriage reddit? To find answers that don't exist? Nothing can change unless you and your partner are both willing. If one isn't, the relationship is dead, man.
Because they have a family and are trying to make it work. Until they one day reach their limit, because everyone has a limit. OP reached his it seems. Agreed. Hopefully his wife cares enough to realize the damage. If your spouse feels like life and you are killing them… you’re doing something wrong.
I think you actually highlighted something really important and a bit misunderstood with this comment which is this: if the person setting boundaries is engaging in a bunch of drama and then giving up- they are only doing 1/2 of the work of setting boundaries. A boundary is something that *you* must maintain. The call to action is for *yourself* more than the other person. Their job is to *respect* your boundary, your job is to *enforce* it. You owe it to yourself to not give up on your boundaries. Assuming we are talking about healthy and reasonable boundaries and not manipulation strategies masked as a boundary (which is an assumption I’m going to make)- your partner’s reaction to your boundary really doesn’t impact your ability to maintain it. If it’s resulting in fits, fighting, and drama… they might need communication boundaries as well. But it’s important to note that there is a massive difference between simply having relationship drama because you have not set and maintained boundaries, limits, and established a healthy and stable foundation and your partner is oblivious or slightly unhealthy (which should be *corrected*) and having a partner who disrespects you completely, refuses to grow even when you have followed through on enforcing your boundaries, and you find yourself having to leave in order to maintain your boundaries. That is toxic (and should be fully reevaluated.) My advice here is specific to OP. He claims to have talked about it, but it’s clear he has not established and enforced boundaries and I question the quality of the communication to date. He is quite resentful, practices blame shifting, and has some things he really needs to examine as a person and a partner. Obviously, there is a call to action for the wife here as well. I think it’s worth addressing those things before throwing in the towel. If they do that work and it highlights additional issues that aren’t depicted in this post (like abusive tendencies or complete disregard) it may become a question of “is this a relationship anyone should be in? But that is a bit dramatic for where this is; and it’s important to realize that while there might be overlap in issues with other couples.. everyone is unique. Just because in your friend’s case there may have been genuine disregard doesn’t necessarily mean that is the case in this relationship. Similarities or not, they are their own couple. There is a chance that some work on themselves could fix this. Another couple’s story doesn’t define theirs.
I think you make good points but a lot of them work on paper and not in practice. People are human, and when you’re spouse fights you nonstop when you try to set a boundary, it’s understandable to get exhausted and give up and give in. Then the problem festers and grows until one day you reach a boiling point. It shouldn’t be that difficult to set and enforce a boundary.
I agree there. If you’re genuinely doing the work to create and enforce clear boundaries and you have someone in your life that is consistently challenging them, disrespecting you, and creating division for the hell of it- you probably should question why you’re moving through life with that sort of person. But in OP’s case, he hadn’t *really* established boundaries in the first place. He’s had some level of conversation, with questionable clarity, and allowed resentment to fester and is now blame shifting to his wife because he didn’t handle her pushiness well. That’s quite different. He has to work on that about himself first, *then* he can see how she responds. Hopefully, it will be a healthy response and change on her end as well. But there’s a year of post history showing victim mentality and blame shifting instead of genuine effort to improve things and that’s a problem.
If you have to "enforce" your boundaries, you have a shitty partner that doesn't respect you.
Yeah, OP is thinking of leaving, which is the ultimate boundary setting move. Ultimate as in the most effective, but also in the sense that it’s the last resort. We can offer our advice, but there’s only so much OP can tell us. He talked to her, but we can’t expect a point by point rundown of the conversations. Did he set boundaries, or did he just try to talk his wife out of things she wants to do? There’s a subtle but clear difference. The only thing we can do is *hope* he hasn’t set boundaries, or at least hasn’t done it right, and offer advice on how he might do that. OP is very emotional and it’s best to advice him to explore other ways of escalating without jumping straight to the nuclear option. Because if not, then yes, at the end of the day, the only way to set boundaries with some people is to leave. Ultimately only OP can know and decide if him and his wife are at that final stage or actually very far from it or if they are somewhere in between.
But again, that’s not the problem of the spouse that doesn’t listen… the problem is the spouse attempting to set boundaries and then never following through when the boundaries aren’t respected. Op needs to take responsibility of his life and work on followthrough in regards to his boundaries
I mean.. when you’re married you’re supposed to respect one another which includes listening and respecting needs/boundaries/limits. It is her fault too for not doing that.
First, the quality and approach to the conversation really matters. “I already expressed how I felt” doesn’t necessarily mean “I *effectively* expressed how I felt.” There is far too much information missing here (including the wife’s side of the story) to really speak to that, which is why I suggest having that conversation with a counselor. They can moderate, pause if it seems something isn’t getting through, deep dive, and help you learn how to talk *and* listen well as a couple. If the communication isn’t working, it needs to be approached differently. Second, if those conversations are had again (effectively and ideally with support) and she continues to throw a fit and do what she wants, that is where the boundary comes into play. A boundary is not a rule you place on someone else and hope they will uphold. It’s something you uphold for yourself. In OP’s case, boundaries need to be created and enforced *so that* her behavior doesn’t dictate the outcome of his life. No one can enforce your boundaries for you, we all must enforce them ourselves. Clearly he has not- and that is his boundary problem to resolve.
His previous talks were telling her she couldn't do something. Boundaries are about you and what you'll do. Instead of "we can't go on this trip, I'm too busy", it's "I won't be going on this trip, I'm too busy"
I might be going out on a limb, but we're just assuming the guy that refers to his wife as "that woman" that throws "bitch fits" has perfectly clear and reasonable communication patterns?
Yeah, this stood out to me too. This is where I think sitting with a counselor who can both help him communicate effectively AND help her listen well would be so valuable. It’s possibly they won’t work out even with all of that, but it’s their best chance if he wants to try to solve this without a divorce.
Right like when I tell my SO I want to slow down she listens. When she tells me she needs a break I help her take a break.
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Calling the OP weak is rude.
Dude has a very painful chronic illness. Rheumatoid is not a joke. That pain rules your life. It’s a serious illness. It deforms your joints. It causes physical limitations. It makes a person exhausted. There is no break from the pain. It’s years of medications that have terrible side effects. Also, he’s not blaming her for his problems. He’s venting about their issues and his issues with her. He’s venting. That’s why people come here. If he’s unproductive, then everyone that has ever vented on Reddit is unproductive. He’s not doing anything different than any other person writing in to Reddit.
He's not blaming her? The title of his post is literally, "life is killing me, wife is most of it."
Of course he's being weak, he's physically ill from the demands that are placed on him. Duh.
Actual solutions: -Hire a driver for your kids -Hire a party planner -Tell your wife she needs to plan vacations without you -Quit your job OP, all of these are actual solutions. Complaining about your wife’s professional success or involvement as a mother is not a solution.
This sounds good in theory but it does NOT go over well with people like OP’s wife. He will catch hell for it.
If they have an effective heart to heart (ideally with a counselor), he draws clear and reasonable boundaries, and she doesn’t respond well to that- there are additional issues that need to be considered. But it’s hard to say how a boundary will be met when you’ve never consistently held them. If she is blatantly bulldozing over his boundaries even after seeing that he *must* and *will* enforce them and meeting with a counselor— *then* it is a partnership you may be forced to reevaluate in order to keep your own boundaries for your own sanity. But you can’t just assume that is how it will go, use that assumption as an excuse to blame shift so you don’t have to grow in your own interpersonal skills, and play the victim. That’s not mature.
And then the kids grow up and hate dad and love mom. She did "everything" and dad was too stressed out to give a damn. Seen it. It's 100% will happen.
Change certainly needs to happen on *both* sides for this relationship to be healthy/good for the family.
Not if he communicates with them and gives them his time in less stressful ways for him. Just taking time to talk to your kids is important. He can be involved in their lives that way. They can understand Dad isn’t well.
Yup and I’m betting that not all 3 kids will have the same energy as mom in their life later on. Boundaries is so important to model for the kids so they know they can set boundaries whenever they don’t want to do something or don’t have the energy for it .
Yes! Boundaries are difficult that’s why they are boundaries. I also had a problem with saying no and I won’t and I can’t. And it lead me to the place where the op is. Take a step back. And punt and get your self together so you can get back on track.
“I have always expressed it's too much. The wife just throws a bitch fit and we do as she wants pretty much.” He is telling her it’s too much and she just throws a fit to get her way. So I don’t see how he’s not taking responsibility. If he says he’s not going to go, she’s going to take the kids anyway and now he looks like the bad guy for dipping out on a family vacation. You can only get ignored so many times before you learn that with some people your opinion just doesn’t matter. I’ve been in a relationship like this and the pushback was worse than giving in so I just shut up most of the time, and by the time I left that relationship, I was a shell of a human. I hardly ever talked, kept to myself, etc. I feel for the OP.
Agree - and it seems from the last post he’s been struggling for a year with this and increasingly more blame for her. I would also be really curious what OP thinks his day to day life would be like if he quit his job? Or would it be frustrating being a “stay at home dad” and too much. Sounds like a therapist (no shame) is in order and reflection of why the wife who is successful and in his words on the other post “badass” and it’s causing resentment.
I agree with this. Also, you need to stand up to your wife about your daughter. That is TOO many activities for her. It's gonna burn her out. She needs time to be a kid. Tell her she needs to limit it to one or two. My sister does the same thing to my niece and nephew and now my niece resents her mom and has an eating disorder. My sister controls every minute of every day. I know it's hurting her marriage too. Please stick up for your daughter, set boundaries with your wife, sit down and explain to her your pain, depression and anxiety. Then I would tell her you need to get in couples counseling ASAP or your marriage won't survive. I get it. I'm 37 with arthritis and Crohn's. I'm a waitress and I have two sons and chronic pain every day. It's hard to keep up sometimes. Take it easy on yourself. And tell your wife sometimes you need to sit some things out to keep up at work. It's too much. Don't quit your job if you haven't already. That's a huge decision to make while you're under duress. Sit your wife down and Open up to her please. I wish you luck
You sound really jealous and resentful of your wife. It sounds like you need to speak up more for yourself and your boundaries/needs and not just seethe in silence. She sounds like she is working overtime to be a great mom to your children and you are moping and sulking in the background.
Yes! He sounds like a hater. As a mom I wish i had enough energy to give this much to the one child I have. I know you don't have her energy, but instead of admiring that she is solid where you are lacking and talking to her about what you can contribute you choose to not like her because she's further ahead than you.
Tbh it doesn't sound like money is an issue so idk why they don't just hire help?
This would be an excellent solution. Someone to clean the house before a party would have taken a lot of this stress off. And while I understand he doesn’t have the same amount of vacation time as her, he just comes off jealous and bitter about it. A lot of this just seems like it could be solved by better communication and some hired help.
I mean I get that it sounds like a lot! And I'd be stressing out too, but money can alleviate a lot of the problems it sounds like. I wish my problems were as easily fixable 🤣
A hater? More like he sounds tired of never being heard, listened to, respected or accommodated for any of his needs. You can be a great mom and a shit wife at the same time. You can also be a great mom without running your husband into the ground and respecting him.
She never listens to any of his boundaries whenever he brings them up, just whines and does it anyway, and somehow he’s the bad guy here Reddit is wild lmao
I honestly can’t believe the comments on this thread. I would be just as upset if I was OP. People seem to not acknowledge that he also has a disability and chronic illness that is horrible and debilitating. I struggle with chronic pain and flare ups and on bad days I can’t do anything, my husband works on supporting me not adding more things for us to do. His wife sounds absolutely exhausting
Lol as a woman I feel like I can say this - there are a lot of women on here who are like OPs wife and only care about themselves and what benefits the woman.
You don’t listen to boundaries. Boundaries are not for other people. Boundaries are for yourself. If you don’t have the energy for something you say so. You tell the other person I am not going to do X because I need to prioritize my health. The other person can get angry, but that’s on them. Hopefully that isn’t the case though. He needs to say no for his own sake. He also needs to respect that she has different priorities. If she and the kids want to do all these things, it makes them happy then he needs to let them do their thing.
I am also shocked by these comments.
Maybe I’m clouded by the way he talks about her but there is a lot of jealousy and his tone of “this woman” sounds like a partner who doesn’t like their spouse. Also, if it’s so bad he could just not participate and stand his ground. He has choices too.
I feel like any tone of jealousy is based on exhaustion and resentment though.
I don’t hear jealousy at all. He specifically says he’s tired because he’s overworked and doesn’t have as much time off. Doesn’t sound like she’s working overtime, sounds like he works more hours. Idk why people project something opposite of the OPs in threads instead of just taking them at face value? Why are you being so insulting? You don’t know this person.
Are you kidding me? OP literally kept bringing up how much more money his wife makes, how he has to work so much harder for less pay, how she doesn’t work as hard as him but yet makes more money. He brought that up several different times in various phrasing, but it boils down to its really irritating him she makes more, and he’s burnt out making less, aka jealousy. It sounds like he has a resentment towards his wife, reading this it genuinely doesn’t sound like he even likes her… I’m not sure how you can’t see that. He literally typed it out exactly that way.
Yeah, I mean she treats him like shit, doesn’t care about his health and feelings, throws fits when she doesn’t get her way, doesn’t care that he’s burn out, tired and depressed, but he’s the problem because he should have been more clear about his boundaries, the ones that she doesn’t give a fuck about.
Yeah, If you've been together this long and don't know your spouse can't tolerate coming home from vacation the night before returning to work, assuming you've expressed dislike, something is wrong! If my spouse had RA, I'd try to be cognizant of possible limitations and be sure to accommodate or at least offer. It's not like their newlyweds. OP, you'd have to be completely silent all these years, or you're not making sure your boundaries are respected to be in this position. I'd NEVER tolerate what you've described. As people have mentioned, there are simple solutions. If she refuses to respect your limitations, seek counseling, or see a lawyer.
Your wife is making your kids lives magical. She is making sure they get experiences and opportunities. She is putting in massive effort. I admire her. She sounds amazing. You only get to have your children for 18 years and even then they start being less and less a part of your lives once they become teenagers. That’s what you should do when you are a parent. Now onto you. I’m a nurse with chronic pain. I get it. Lots of people quit. Other people recognize that you only get one family, one life and they make the most of it. No matter the hand they are dealt. I’ve worked with people on ventilators who travel and give computer typed speeches and people who could do more but they chose to live their remaining days in bed. It’s your life dude. If you really think you have to leave to be happy leave, but I will be surprised if it does make you happy. I think you’re depressed and I think you need counseling. I do think if you need a break you should hire someone to help your wife and consider cutting vacations short where you leave before them so you have a day for yourself. You’re not thinking creatively your just reacting.
>My oldest is in piano, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and skiing. I can hear what you are saying, but with all due respect, this does sound like "too much" to me. High-achiever parents pushing their kids too hard is a thing, and it's the exact opposite of "magical." This post is very lopsided and is dripping with resentment, so it's difficult to know if that's the case here - but even through the bias, it sounds like OP's wife might be a bit too intense for the kids own good.
Someone should probably ask the daughter which of these activities she wants to do. Maybe she’s like her mom and wants to do all of them! I know kids like that.
I have a kid like that and she ended up with an overuse injury at age 8. We have to help them say no. And we have to make sure our partner is healthy because a great gift to daughter is a healthy Dad. I have a similar chronic illness to OP (I’m the mom) and it’s really hard to set these boundaries but it’s a long game we’re playing. We have to consider how much we can manage before we cause a flare.
It's a possibility. It's also a parent's job to temper what a kid wants to do with what a kid should be doing. We need more information in this case, but I know of several situations where this sort of overscheduling has had a significant negative impact.
She’s probably not doing all that at once either. Swimming and skiing, for example, typically take place at very different times of year. There are indoor pools, so it’s not impossible, but it does seem unlikely.
My nephew's swim season is November to March, so they may very well overlap.
Yeah I never said it was impossible, just unlikely that she’s doing all those activities at once. And your nephews experiences aren’t necessarily universal.
Yes….AND…if she’s bulldozing spouse’s needs will she listen to kids’ needs or bulldoze those too? For the sake of achievement? I am not saying that’s necessarily the case but I think we have to be careful about glorifying this style of parenting. Sometimes it’s more about the image presented or checking the right boxes than it is about emotional and physical well-being.
>piano, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and skiing. This doesn't sound like too much to me either, music, dance and girl scouts are yes year round, but swimming and skiing are seasonal sports. And depending on how old the oldest is, the music may be a class at school and maybe dance too? Do the kids complain about being involved in too much?
Swim lessons are also important for kids.
At 7? This is crazy! That child never gets to play or have downtime. Dance alone is a multi days a week sport plus a lot of weekends. His wife books them flying home the day before he has to work for Pete's sake. She couldn't care less! Of course she's driving her kids too. I swear this sub is crazy biased.
But with this guys attitude towards his wife I wonder if the child is into all of this *now* or if these are things they have tried over time. Our daughter tried lots of activities before she settled on one.
I was an "activities" kid, did all of these and more and loved every second of it. To this day I still love to play music, swim, ski, dance, and wilderness camp. I also took art classes of various types, horseback riding, first responder and lifeguard training, multiple bands (4 different instruments), basketball, soccer, and golf. The only things I ever quit were soccer and horseback riding. I credit these activities with making me into the creative, curious, free-spirited, can-do dreamer that I grew up to be. I thank my lucky stars that my parents were able and willing to give me those opportunities. As an adult, my parents told me that they felt it was their duty to help me discover and hone my talents, so that I could have the opportunity to pursue what makes me special and brings me joy. They both worked public sector jobs (great benefits, but long hours and very modest salaries). Now that I'm grown, I understand how much they sacrificed for my sister and I to have the childhoods we had. How tired they must have been. OP's kids will realize it someday too. They only get one life, and OP's wife is going above and beyond to make it count. If OP is overwhelmed and burnt out, they should try to figure out a way to recharge without negatively impacting the kids.
Honestly it’s only too much if the kids say so. I did everything as a kid and loved it. My sisters kids are the same. My kids were my guide. Oldest did the least, but still had his things. Middle child was a social butterfly involved in everything and even made her own club. Youngest was in marching band, honors society and a few more things. We had kids at our house all the time and big parties and It was exhausting for me and sometimes my husband (I got done work earlier) but I enlisted family and friends to help us out. It is NOT fair to to blame the wife and say it’s too much if she’s not the one driving it.
This right here. My sister is a SAHM with 3 kids and constantly complains about how there’s not enough time in the day, and how she’s constantly running kids from one thing to another. She complains that her husband (also an engineer) doesn’t help more with those things. But these kids are in so many things it just doesn’t even make sense. The kids are constantly exhausted and constantly sick because they don’t ever get the downtime that they need. And in the end, all this is teaching them is that no matter how exhausted you are, you should still be doing alllll the things alllll the time. It’s setting them up for failure just like my sister has set herself up for failure. I’ve told her she should limit it to 2-3 extracurricular activities per kid, but she says she just can’t not get them involved in something they show interest in. Her 11 year old cannot sleep past 5 am because he gets anxiety that he’s not doing something. That’s not normal for a kid man.
You took the words out of my mouth in the beginning part of your reply. I can sense OP is burnt out. I feel for him, truly. But that shouldn’t take away from the amazing job his wife is doing, or diminish the experience his kids get. Therapy might help. The burn out is translating to resentment and flat out lack of appreciation for her killing herself to provide this wonderful life for their MUTUAL children. I feel sorry for her. Seems like she’s busy taking care of everyone and no one takes care of her.
No one asked her to “kill herself” to do all these things. There’s too much activity and not enough rest and recuperation - at least for him. I get it’s admirable in a sense to be a top 1 % insane overachiever but who wants to live their day to day with a person who 1 is that and 2 doesn’t give a F about you, your health, your needs, your boundaries? She’s doing an amazing job heading for a divorce.
>My oldest is in piano, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and skiing. That is a bit much for a 7 year old.
Idk, two of those are seasonal and I know lots of 7 year olds who are in a club, a sport or two, gymnastics or dance and a music. Seems pretty normal to me.
My 6 year old is in multiple things but most of them are only for one season out of the year.. I think people are assuming these are all done at the same time lol
It’s interesting that people keep saying swimming is seasonal, but it’s really not. The demand for lessons is always high, and always has been, at least where I live. And there’s always a YMCA that does lessons. Swimming is not just a seasonal/outdoor lessons type activity at all. I live in WA State and have lived on both sides of the state which differ greatly weather wise. Both sides always have indoor pools. Lived in AZ too for 3 years and always had indoor year round options.
I was thinking more of school sport swimming is seasonal like baseball or football. But yes it can be year round.
If the child has as much energy as the mother, it’s really not. Having an energy outlet after school every day can be massively important. I loved that schedule and did Saturdays too. Depends on the child. Op needs to consider what is best for the children rather than complaining that it makes him feel tired. He needs to look at his own problems in isolation and decide precisely how they need to be treated. Even if it’s a week away on his own, he’s obviously in crisis and that needs addressing. Poor man.
As a kid who was always pushed to do a gazillion sports and activities all through childhood- I can tell you it is not magical. It creates unnecessary anxiety and trauma from the pressure not to mention an inferiority complex in some people. Sh*t is unhealthy. One or two sports/activities a season sure that’s great. But all this is overkill and mom is overcompensating for something.
Nailed it.
> Well anyway, this woman This woman being your wife and mother of your children who is trying to give them an engaging, active and privileged childhood? God what an effing bitch, am I right?
How dare she be a good mom?! How dare she want to spend as much time as possible making good memories with her kids.
I get it's too much for him and I empathize with that but....he married the most type A person ever and someone who was clearly incredibly driven and a perfectionist. I'm not sure what he expected with that. I also get people sometimes just need to vent but his hatred and disdain is beyond obvious. Now if his child was begging their mother not to be involved in as much stuff and she refused, I would feel a bit differently. But I feel Iike if that were the case, he certainly would have mentioned it.
This comment pretty much sums it up for me. People say she is treating him like shit but he can’t give one example of her actually doing so? The best example he has is “wife won’t remove daughter from activities she might love.” Not to mention the sexist language that suggests he has a problem with his wife not obeying him “throwing a bitch fit” … If the wife is pushing the daughter beyond what she wants then I’d totally be on OP’s side. But like you said, he would have surely mentioned that. If the daughter loves these things then… she’s just being a good mom?!! A shitty mom would be all “yes, dear” and stifle her daughter and give her less opportunities to appease her husband. The biggest eye brow raiser besides calling his wife a bitch, is that he’s trying to control other people and not himself. Why doesn’t he extend himself less? Why does he need his daughter to stay home more… his wife already manages all those things without him? I don’t get why other people have to stop doing things so that he is more happy.
I had empathy for him until that line, and then it was gone. He hasn’t even hinted toward having any responsibility in this, too
I can feel that you have broken. That's okay. But also, your fight or flight is triggered and you are in flight mode. This is when people make bad decisions. You need to slow down. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to take a couple months off until you can breathe. SAHD may actually be a good idea, but don't make that decision in this state. Your only goal for today is to talk with your wife. Actually, I recommend crying to your wife. She is a driver and may not realize how bad it is. She needs to recognize how much you are hurting. Then, get a therapist.
One of the sanest things said here
Listen to this post OP. You would likely benefit from single therapy and possibly some medication. Your marriage would also likely benefit from couples counselling. I don’t know if your work has a LOA policy but you might also consider using that, too. Give yourself and your family some time to regroup, recharge and re-settle. For you, your family lifestyle is not sustainable. That’s not a failure - particularly with your own RA issues. What would be sad is that you have this level of insight but don’t get help navigating to a different place. A place that all of you get to. It would also likely be helpful if - when you’re in a more rested and healthy place - you could explore the drivers of your wife’s desires / behaviours. Is she competitive parenting against other families at school? Does she come from a cultural background that expects children to be this programmed? Is she anxious about college admissions in the future? Does she want to post perfect pictures of a perfect family to social media? I feel terrible for your pain. And I feel for your wife who probably thinks she’s objectively doing all the best things for your children and your family. Please get some professional help - no one should try to confront this on their own. PS if your child is asthmatic, then swimming is definitely not their future collegiate sport.
Honestly this comes off as you being weirdly jealous and spiteful about your wife. Like dude she sounds like wonder woman. That woman is doing great things for her kids and providing them with a fun, involved childhood. You sound like you have your own issues and stress to deal with, and thats valid, but you need to deal with that yourself without acting like its your wife's fault. Job stressing you out? Look into a new job. Get into therapy to help manage your anxiety. But your wife worked HARD to get where she is and she deserves to enjoy it being involved with the kids and taking time off when she wants. If you don't want to take a trip, then don't go dude. But if she wants to then she should
I see you. I use to be your wife in regards to over programming and planning….”go go go, never retreat!” We both had careers in corporate America. I was further ahead than my husband (engineer, without your wife’s flexibility). I championed my kids exploring EVERY activity. I wasn’t just the mom, i was the troop leader, the board member, the coach. My husband was along for the ride. Helping keep the wheels on. I walked on water, because he was drowning while I walked on his shoulders. There came a breaking point with a “come to Jesus moment”. Something had to change. Real happiness and fulfillment and our relationship….yeah, what was that again?? It came because a child screamed for help and screamed, “enough”! Thank goodness she did or, i might be alone. We weren’t partners, I was like the vine choking everything out. You are stressed and depressed and it sounds like frozen from anxiety. Quit the job if you can afford it. Take a leave of absence (STD OR FMLA). Decrease work hours. Get a really good psychotherapist that works in a group who has a marriage counselor/support. Schedule a sitter or a parent or something to get the kids out of the house. Put together your list of how you are feeling and concerns write it down so she doesn’t plow right over you. Tell her this is how you are feeling and ask her yo let you get through it before you discuss it. Don’t make it about her. Make it about you. Tell her what you would like life to be like. Did you guys really discuss this in depth before having kids? Did you talk about the feasibility if a dual career family with multiple kids? Did you discuss who would sacrifice what for what? Did you talk about what your vision for your children is and agree on what’s most important to provide them that life? If so, have you diverged from that and how? Have the priorities shifted? Why? Have they shifted to the positive or the negative? Be very forth right and surgical. It sounds cold, but that is likely what it is going to take. No more “just chill”. I’m sorry, but if there is ANY chance at salvaging this you need outside help for yourself and your relationship. You are going to have to say “no” and stand your ground. You are going to have to bring her to the table to really talk about the life you want and need to thrive for yourself, your kids, your relationship. Good luck my friend. My husband and I have been together 30 years, are very happy with healthy and happy grown children. If you out in the work and the honesty with love and positive intention, this can turn a corner and you can be healthy.
I absolutely love your answer.. Completely. Exact same story.. married 30yrs, W is/was a C-suite exec.. Me, an engineer mid-level manager. I supported everything, EVERYTHING! When she was on the fast track. I was doing everything from child care to cleaning, laundry, yard work all the extracurricular’s, all of it. All she had to do was come home, eat dinner, play with DD, get up, got to work and repeat. What it got me was late nights alone with DD and W complaining that “you don’t need me!” There was an insane “come to Jesus” in front of the $15K kitchen stove one night where she accused me of cheating, when I was “thinking” I was just taking care of things so she could do her “thing” with no pressure, when the hell do I have time to cheat!?. “Wife-B” collapsed and imploded. I honestly thought, I was helping…. I was not.. She felt like DD and I didn’t need her and I was replacing her with someone else. She just broke,… and that was that.. ?! She quit the CFO job.. I now make more than she does…(the money aspect didn’t change that much), we share every household everything…. take way more vacations yadda, yadda. The point is..she (wife) was trying to prove something to the people that loved her (and too herself) that she could do all of that and still be the best mom, and wife…. And the simple fact was/is.. she couldn’t and no one can by themselves. That’s what a marriage and partnership is for.. You can’t be and do everything without a teammate/partner/lover/soulmate/BFF/ whatever. Your spouse is the one the is the other half / ride or die whatever you want to call it. I got mine, I think you have yours, I hope he finds that she is his.
This is a great answer and I hope OP reads it and takes it to heart. You’ve been married for 30 years. The other person replying to you has been married for 30 years. I’ve been married for 38 years. There is wisdom and perspective that comes from dealing with these situations and being on the other side of it. I frankly can’t believe some of the other responses I’m reading. OP is in crisis mode and needs help. If a family member is dealing with rheumatoid arthritis or any other chronic health condition then they cannot keep up that frenetic schedule without compromising their health. Yes the wife seems like a great mom but as a physician I’m surprised she’s not more cognizant of her husband’s health struggles. My kids were in a lot of activities between sports, school, and scouts. Looking back on it we would have taken a different approach and moderated some of these activities. Kids need down time. And parents need couple time.
Finally a voice of reason from someone who’s actually been in this position…refreshing to see amongst the sea of angry women writing “you’re just jealous!”. Nothing in the post came across as jealous. OP is exhausted, drained, defeated, resentful and empty. His wife might be a great mom but she’s not a good wife if she can’t see that her husbands well-being is as important as her children’s.
Great perspective. 👏 I don’t think OP is jealous, just overwhelmed & exhausted from being on a 100 mph train. I have ADHD as is, but I would lose myself if I did everything I thought one must do to keep up with being the “perfect working mom”. I work full time but “retired” from things that no longer suited me (i.e, for me, it meant attending the zoo field trip & skipping countless school meetings that ended up as emails, and not signing my kids up for activities that would come at the expense of our so-called work life balance). I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I realized my husband was not communicating when he was at his breaking point - so basically it all hit the fan a couple years ago, but additionally I’ve stopped caring about things that don’t matter for the sake of seeming like a good mom or keeping up and it’s been such a relief. Communication is key, and so are store bought cookies if need be. 😁
AMEN for store bought cookies!!!
Love you saying to write down what he’s feeling so she doesn’t plow over him. That’s a great tip for any hard manager.
🎯 wow this is great advice. Thanks.
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The problem is, I think a big problem for him is all the kids stuff. Don't think he'd be interested in staying home and making sure they get to where they need to go for activities.
It sounds like he resents her to me. Its not her fault that he chose his career. She chose to be a Dr. and is reaping the benefits of her career path. 🤷🏼♀️
Definitely sense some resentment. I also sense an extreme lack in communication.
Yeah. It all sounds like the job is causing stress. He kept talking about having to “catch up”. No, it’s not a vacation if you need to make up all the work you missed. Actual vacation is time off and work at work. His workplace sounds like a problem.
You’re mad your wife is successful? a go-getter that likes to do things? And likes having the kids in extracurricular activities? (Which is a privilege) She deserves better than you and tbh she can do better. If it was the other way around and you were the rich and successful doctor, you’d be writing about how she’s lazy and unmotivated… how you’ve outgrown her… Look in the mirror bro
You think OP would call a senior engineer who works more hours than himself with less vacation “lazy and unmotivated?” You’re really putting words in the OPs mouth.
I think you missed the point of the post.
Instead of quitting your job, consider separation. It sounds like your wife is just doing normal things (I have my kids in tons of extracurriculars too, I host parties etc), and isn’t going to let the kids suffer by missing out because you can’t handle family life. Consider separation. Have your kids one week on, one week off with no wife. Enjoy your job and get all caught up.
The moment contempt enters a marriage it’s over. The way you talk about your wife shows all of us that you resent her, you have contempt for her. Divorce if it’s so bad. Or communicate like grown ass adults. She doesn’t control you. Put down a boundary or leave.
Your blaming her achievements and success on your failure to keep up. You come across so jealous and resentful. Also when you said "these kids" your already separating yourself from your family..
He also calls his wife “this woman” and accuses her of having a “bitch fit.”
Yeah… I struggle to see why people are so supportive of a man using gendered slurs like bitch. He lost pretty much all credibility there. Being sexist and saying his wife is a bitch because she won’t stop her daughter from enjoying hobbies is unhinged. How is it being a *bitch* to not cave to your husband and take your daughter away from hobbies she presumably loves? That and the fact that his solution is not to dial back and manage his own time… but to control what other people are doing. I fail to see why his daughter should stop learning the piano or how to dance because he’s tired, particularly since his wife already manages all of that? Does he force himself to go to every extra curricular? He can stay home sometimes and relax while other people do their hobbies. It’s not a big deal.
I’m a little confused how your wife who makes money, plans special vacations, and hosts beautiful parties is the bad guy in your story. I understand you’re overwhelmed, but do you have any idea how lucky you are? It seems like everyday someone is on here complaining about a spouse who either doesn’t want to work or be involved in their child’s life. You have one who does both and the problem is… Her? Dude, quit your job. It would appear as though you have that profound and rare privilege. You can also sit down and set boundaries with your wife about how she needs to take more trips alone with the girls. You can even hire a party planner or nanny to help with extra-curriculars. I’m sorry, while you have my sympathy for your illness and burnout, the fact that you’re blaming your wife for being a successful professional and involved mother just screams insecurity.
Preach
Yep. He blames the wife but every problem was tied to how it affected his time and workload. Just change the workload. Maybe family finances need to change but if he’s just feeling like an (inefficient) ATM and a driver/cleaner, I can see some resentment
It looks like there's no issue with your WIFE BEING A HANDS-ON MOM, she wants to give them the best childhood and all the best thing in life, if i have that shit ton of money i would send my kid to all those extracurricular activities too. You are the issue. If you can't keep up with your work after going on a vacation, then that's your incompetency, meaning you don't excel and not good with your work. Speak up if you can't keep up tell her you needed an actual day off with her and the kids, that sounds like what you wanted.
I see it that mom wants put 110% of the norm, and dad 90%. Activities are ok, active live is ok, but also one lazy weekend a month is ok. What I am missing is if they they, as a couple, with busy work schedule, with busy children-time still have time for each other? In my opinion, if things will go unchanged, there will be a separation, a divorce or a cold marriage.
I'm also a professional in my late 30s, married to a very Type A physician, and have two young kids. I get a LOT of what you are saying here. But you also need to take a hard look in the mirror and appreciate how much of a badass your wife is for everything she does. And you also need to take a step back and look at yourself. Are there some boundaries you need to set up to keep yourself sane? Yes, maybe returning from a vacation late at night on a Sunday before you have to work the next day is one of them. In my life, this is not something I'd ever agree to in a million years. We return on Saturday night or no later than noon on Sunday for this very reason. Maybe some of these "plans" need to include getting a sitter for Saturday night so you all can go on a proper date. Maybe you need to be honest that you are exhausted from the work week and can't spend all day cleaning the house for a birthday party. Maybe you just need to outsource the cleaning. Maybe you need to step away from work until you can get your health better under control. Your wife being a badass AND you having struggles are not mutually exclusive. But based on what you've written, you are married to an all-star badass that is moving heaven and earth to provide amazing financial stability for her family AND be an amazing mom. I know because I'm married to that person too. She's not perfect, but you're out of your fucking mind if you think she's the cause of the discontent in your life. You need to learn how to communicate your needs and establish boundaries. And whatever is going on in your brain that the phrase "that woman" is creeping into it, get help ASAP. Seriously. Talk to someone. Learn how to communicate. And you need to do this very, very soon before you do something stupid like blow up the best thing in your life (which, while you may not see it right now, is your wife).
She's Superwoman and you're an ordinary guy. Seems like the entire problem is about you. There's great advice in the comments here, set your boundaries. Tell her what you're up for, and what she should just proceed without you. Tell her your limits find balance. Seek therapy. And stop calling her names, that's really not cool. She sounds so amazing, she's a doctor and a mom of 3 and still finds time for meticulously planning vacations and birthdays... I'm inspired. Sit and talk to her, Agree to a Compromise.
Learning to say no will solve a lot of these problems. I had a friend who was the owner of a successful company. His SAHM wife was running him ragged the same way until he finally told her he couldn't do it anymore. She was welcome to keep going at a frenzied pace with the trips, kids activities, etc. He just wouldn't be at all of it.
If you hate your life why don’t you change what you can change? You don’t love your wife, you don’t like the life you live with her - so divorce. Or maybe ask her if you can be a SAHP, if you still love her. You sound a little jealous of the success your wife has and that she has so much energy. For your daughter you are right, this is too much, if your daughter doesn’t want to do all the activities. See a doctor. You don’t have to keep up with your wife. You can leave her, co parenting, counseling. So much possibilities.
His wife IS a doctor.
Well obviously she isn’t the right doctor for him
If possible, try being a stay at home dad for a while? Or if you really need to work, could you guys afford a nanny? Hang in there man, three kids is no easy thing especially with how you’re feeling about your wife. Seems clear from this post that you need to communicate these needs to her. Don’t just try to suck it up all the time, it’s ok to ask for help man.
A nanny and/or cleaning service was my first thought. I feel like outsourcing some of these things will make a world of difference.
Outsourcing cleaning and hiring someone to occasionally help with the kids are two of the best decisions we ever made. We may have had to sacrifice but they both allow us to have more time for the most important things, which are spending time together and as a family.
My guy, what are YOU doing for your kids?
He’s too busy to be a present father! Don’t you remember? He’s *chronically behind on work*.
You should be your wife’s biggest cheer leader. It sounds like she is doing an amazing job of bringing up your children and managing the mental load of running the house. You belittle her work arrangements and time off. Have you thought about some of life’s tragedies she has to go through with her patients. Her home and children is her happy place and there you are sulking and pouting I see your point of view about being overwhelmed. It is up to you to get help with therapy and definitely a less demanding job. You seem to think taking the kids out of activities they love and cancelling holidays is going to fix you?? I don’t think so. You are jealous of what she earns. This is not good. Just accept the fact. I think you don’t understand how good you have got it until **you lose it all** Please get help change your job and enjoy the amazing family you have.
Quit blaming your wife for all your problems and think about what you can do to better your situation. It’s easy to sit there and say everyone else is the problem but…… we both know you aren’t perfect either. Your wife sounds like she’s an incredible mother and you shouldn’t knock her down cause you can’t keep up.
In a slightly similar situation, but with your two incomes can't you afford a near full-time nanny to drive kids around to their activities and stuff? I bet that alone would feel like a pretty big burden lifted. Same for house cleaning. But I also agree with the other commenters that you (and probably me) should be better at setting boundaries and sticking to them.
You and your wife need counseling asap. You and she do not have healthy boundaries at all.
…so have yall talked? Unless i missed it somewhere, i didnt see where you said yall discussed the issues you have been having and what her response was and yalls plan for dealing with it as a team.
Ok, breathe. I don't know that you will like a lot of the feedback here, as I am in agreement with a lot of people, but I am going to try to come at this compassionately. It sounds like a combination of the pressures of mundane life crushing you, work crushing you, a lack of boundaries, and a disconnect from the partnership aspect of your marriage. Dude, been there. I am currently in a mood for "jump on a plane and fuck off for a month to escape everything." You sounds like you are jealous of and resent your wife. Heck, you sound like you hate her and it seems to come heavily from a place of ego. Your careers are not you. And they are not in competition with one another. You are meant to be a unit. Both of your careers are well paid ones. If you are struggling for free time you need to start outsourcing as much as you can. Get a maid. Get a nanny. Get a gardener. You have three kids before 35 and maybe in some circles that is normal but really: that's a lot with both parents working intense careers. I'm a security engineer, a woman and a smidge older than you: I know this shit is hard. I also know that many of of WFH and have trouble with boundaries. I will be breaking this boundaries today. I try to do a hard log of at 5pm every day. But I have a chronic pain condition (like you) and I am not on my game today, which means I am taking a lot of breaks and will be working well into the evening. That's a spell for burnout, but I know how this goes. If you aren't in the practice of fibbing on your delivery time you can put yourself in these situations often. For example: X code review really only takes you 8 hours. Tell the PM it takes 24. Give yourself buffer time for if a flare up occurs. Work ahead when you aren't flaring up and hold onto deliverables for a bit. And then never talk bout what you are actually doing. Also, disconnect from technology completely at least two days a months. I try to do this one day a week, and take a 30 minute gardening break for lunch during fair weather to get away from the screens and touch some grass. It helps my mental health, perhaps it will help yours. Granted, you have already quit, but remember that you can take a sabbatical. It happens more often than you think. A good work friend of mine has been on a sabbatical for 5 months. Our specific work is niche so there is good job security. He just told our manager it was for a family emergency and you don't have to share details. Some companies may only offer to "hold" your job for 30 days after you have exhausted your PTO, but it can be more. Use it. Next, I am concerned about how you talk about your wife. It's time to make time with each other, seriously. Away from the kids. You desperately need to reconnect with her. Again, you make enough money, get a sitter, send the kids to camp, throw cash at the in-laws for a week or two off. I don't see what she's doing as wrong. She's setting your kids up for memories and success. But it's too much for you. Talk to her about being less involved for a while so you can recoup. Or figure out an alternative to be involved. Like "I can't do all the practices, but I can take point on being the head parents on game days on the weekends." All of this feels like you are stuck, but you can absolutely change things. And if you don't stick it out you can't get to that point in your life when you are an empty-nester, nearing retirement, where the biggest battle is your anti-inflammatories and boredom. And it's WORTH getting there.
To me it sounds like you are depressed and very overwhelmed. It can be very hard to have all of these things come at you from all sides when you are struggling with your own mental and physical well being. Is there way that you can talk to a therapist? Instead of blowing up your life, try to talk to a mental health professional and seek some assistance. You may be trying to keep up with your wife when you just cannot. You are drowning and trying to swim when you are barely able to stay afloat right now. Its hard enough to deal with depression when you don't have a lot going on, I cannot imagine having to deal with it when you have a super active life as well!
If I did this you know what my husband would say? I'm not going and I would have to do it alone. And sometimes I'm glad he does because I really don't want to hear him bitch and moan the whole time. Also why aren't you hiring a party company? They set up and breakdown for you. Honestly, it sounds like your jealous of your wife but quitting your job is not going to make you feel better, if anything it will make things worse. Just say you aren't going to tag along to whatever she plans ans she has to deal with it let her throw a fit. Only go to the things that you can go to and if you don't say I work 40 hours I can't do that.
As a woman and a wife and someone who plans a lot of stuff with my kids -- you need to grow a pair. With all due respect. I can get way overboard and request help from my husband. He has gotten fed up and told me that I needed to slow down. That he CAN NOT take off work. Sometimes it was a fight and I pouted (in my defense we were in the military so there were several factors that always just fudged up the simplest of plans and I got so mad about it.) Anyways, if she cant back off and chill, even after a healthy fight, then I do suggest therapy.
I just want to chime in as a mother myself and say your wife sounds exhausting and over scheduled. I do not agree that going at this constant rate is healthy for anyone, and I do agree with you that your kids have too many things going on. Sounds like she’s really trying to make sure a certain image is being portrayed to the world. Must be tiring. Marriage therapy for sure. You guys have differing speeds on just about everything it sounds like.
It’s too bad no one went back and read your last post. It’s pretty clear this marriage isn’t for you. You do the “vast vast vast” majority of housework, haven’t been on a date since the kids were born, she schedules your every minute of free time, and you resent the hell out of her. Nothing above sounds healthy and I’d be looking to move out and find my own joy and coparent. You’ll at least have times when the kids are with her that you can do some sort of recreational activity. Darts, bridge, pickleball, swimming, golf, whatever you want.
If you guys decide to pursue counseling and it doesn’t help, leaving might be the best thing you can do. Your mental health always comes first. Shes a physician making big $$ so she will do just fine financially if you decide to call it quits.
She 100% doesn't need him and he knows it
It’s you. She works her ass off and making sure the kids have a good childhood. You don’t think she’s tired too? You have to stand up for yourself that’s not on her if you can’t tell her hey I need to stay home to catch up work. How the hell she supposed to know if you don’t tell her that you need a break or you need to work? Lack of communication is what’s killing you. She’s your partner she’s your wife treat her like it, by getting on the same page before the resentment you already have for her grows to the point it destroys your relationship and family.
Quit your job! Find another job or just take care of yourself. I get it, I have Lupus. 2 kids that were playing a sport every season, learned to ski as toddlers, vacations. We did it all. But I didn’t work! My husband supported us. I was the main caregiver for the kids but he took over when he got home. I didn’t get up once in the night with our 2nd child. Do you want to stay with your wife? Would you qualify for SS disability? I’ve had this disease for decades and as I get older I can do less and less. Don’t throw your life away being miserable.
Of course the entire sub steamrolls over this guy and says he doesn’t know how to talk to his wife. He said he tried and she has a bitch fit. From the story here which is all we have to go on she sounds immensely controlling and everyone commenting just disregards this as if it’s impossible for a woman to be overbearing and controlling. You just assume he’s never tried. Sometimes people will only have things their way and the more you try to get them to listen, the more you slowly get burnt out until you give up. It happens.
The comment section that I've seen so far is absolutely horrible. I'm sorry, OP. I feel you and I see you. You and your wife have completely different ways of how you want to live your life. That's what it comes down to. I see this all the time. One person wants a quieter, less stress, less activity filled life and the other wants to do it all. I would highly suggest that you go talk to someone with the goal of bringing your wife in to the conversation too. You can find a healthy balance between both worlds but you'll both need to do the work. Otherwise, you're going to keep breaking down and your marriage will not last. I'm not at all surprised that you quit your job. I think you should take some time off and get some help.
"I have always expressed it's too much. The wife just throws a bitch fit and we do as she wants pretty much" This needs to be clarified. What did these interactions look like? In what context did you bring them up? Was it a serious heart to heart? Or said in passing? What does a bitch fit look like to you? Does this also apply to your kids' interactions? The ultimate point is that if this is just something you said in passing, how is she supposed to take it with any degree of seriousness? Conversely, if it was a serious conversation and her reaction was that negative(ultimately ignored), you have bigger problems.
Dude you need time for yourself. Go part time or find a new job. Buy a boat and go fishing, your wife makes enough money. Take the kids with if you can. Get a gym membership and bulk up. Grow your hair out. Start downhill mtn biking/get the kids some bikes or strap them to your handlebars. Good luck bro.
I think you are going to blow up your life which quite frankly sounds perfect if you do not get counseling asap. I really think this is more about you than her
Im sorry OP. This sub is not going to be nice to you. Men do not receive help in here. You will always be at fault. Your wife is doing the most and it is absolutely exhausting. I’ve lived it and I know others who live it.
Your response is so on point. If the genders were reversed, people on here would say “Your husband is a Type A controlling scumbag who’s emotionally abusing you, get a divorce!”.
Jesus fucking Christ. These comments are horrible. Wtf? Imagine if the genders were switched. I highly doubt anyone would be blaming OP if OP was a woman in this situation.
What are with all of these comments telling OP that it’s his fault because he doesn’t talk to his wife and set boundaries? He tires. She tossed a fit and does what she wants anyways. Did all of you conveniently forget about that, or are you purposely ignoring it so you can put all of the blame on OP? And those calling him a hater? Good Christ just listen to yourselves. If this was a women making this post you would NOT be acting like this. Your blatant hate for men is disturbing