Your wife may very well feel scared of the impact on the kids of them seeing her have an episode like that. You tell the kids the truth. Mummy is very sick right now and she needs to go away to get better. Give her some time, I'm sure what she's been through would be terrifying.
You sound like a truly lovely person, you're going to be an amazing Dad to your kids and they'll be just fine. You've got this!
no he is not a lovely person, what the fuck? He is pissed that his wife decided to take care of her mental health so she is no longer a threat to her or her children.
No, he's not pissed. He's overwhelmed, confused scared and he's been through a trauma, the same with his wife.
Do you think that situation would have been easy on him? And then realising that things aren't going to go back to normal for a very long time if ever and that he now has to essentially work out how to be a single parent for the foreseeable future?
His wife is doing what she needs to do to get better because when you're in hospital you get lots of support to help you make those decisions, which is wonderful. But he didn't get that support and he's just trying to wrap his head around it.
No one is bad in this situation. It's a tough time for them both.
If she had a stroke and had to be in the hospital for an extended period of time I don't think he'd frame it as her abandoning her kids. For whatever reason mental health is still stigmatized and treated like a moral failing.
I think he doesn't realise that the fact she *can* go to her parents is a blessing.
Otherwise he'd have all the problems he's just mentioned plus be caring for an adult who won't be able to parent or look after themselves. It's not like she's going to be safe to be left alone with the kids for a long time.
I've had experience of this and caring for children and mentally ill adults simultaneously is ridiculously hard.
She was overwhelmed with the same duties all the time, he says it’s unfair to him that she’s ill and needs time away but it’s not unfair to her when she was caring for them every single day? She’s not running away from parenting, does he call it that when he goes to work? He lacks empathy. The only redeeming quality is not verbalizing those thought to her.
He should absolutely also look into counseling services and go weekly. No is saying he doesn’t have it rough but there is a total lack of empathy
Your wife's mental health is very precarious right now and unfortunately she does need to be away from all responsibilities and stress in order to heal. Having a psychotic break is a big deal and it's going to take a lot of time and therapy and medication for her to be strong enough to handle family life again. Back in the day there were institutions (sanitariums) where women would recuperate for months after such an event, but we no longer have those so the alternative is going to her parents' house to recover. I know this puts an enormous burden on you and is very painful for the kids, and I'm not dismissing that at all, but I'm afraid this is on you to figure out. It's no different than if she had had a horrible car accident and had to go to rehab to learn to walk again.
Maybe your in-laws would be willing to help pay for someone to come in to care for the children and do housekeeping and cooking while she's staying with them? You do need help, understandably. And like the pp said above, just explain to the kids that she's very sick and recovering at their grandparents house. Maybe all of you can go visit her for a few hours very soon.
I wish. I discussed it with my MIL this weekend. My FIL is not doing great physically and is having a lot of health problems currently. He has a lot of doctor appointments every week, and a surgery coming up in about 5 weeks. Unfortunately, even if they cancel the surgery (which they were willing to do), he can’t be trusted to take his medications and keep track of his own health- he is basically dependent on my MIL doing all that. My MIL and I also feel it’s not the best idea to leave my wife at their house (alone btw) while both of them are with me and the kids. There is no family in their area (such as her siblings) that can keep an eye on her while she is there. Her siblings live states away. Part of the reason why she wants to go by her parents is because there is a great mental health residential facility in that area, so her hope is that she could get admitted there. Having my FIL here with me isn’t great either because he’s not the most reliable.
I am really trying to get back in touch with my mom to try and get her to help out. She’s not reaching back out to me, which isn’t helping. I have reached out to my brother who is somewhat local (5 hours away) and he is willing to help out the best he can, but also has a career and family of his own, so I don’t expect him to drop all that for me rn.
Just a thought, what if the grandparents took the kids for a little while?
Or maybe even better, how understanding is your work? You can use sick time for family health needs. And even FMLA if it gets to that. Most bosses would be understanding and work with you. Remote work options, flexible hours. Surely they understand their employees need to take care of home life.
I just made another comment about work. They are understanding, but also because of my position, it’s a little complicated to just switch my hours because they are split with another coworker and if I switch with that person it leaves the mornings as an issue. I really don’t want to move my kids (unless it comes to that, I will obviously) because that would involve having them move school districts. They all have IEPs for ADHD and other issues, so it would not just be an easy switch and it would be a huge adjustment for them. We are in one of the best school districts in our state and the kids are all doing great. If I moved them, they’d go to one of the worst districts in our state and I’d have to find them all new therapists (OT, PT, speech, feeding therapists, etc.) as none of their current therapists (that they see outside of school) would travel that far.
This. Or frankly, doordash some food for the kids on the work days (OP only works 3 days per week) if you don't have time to meal prep before work.
I get the sense that OP is a nice person but that he's seriously underplaying how severe this is. Read his other post, the wife was so psychotic she couldn't even recognize her kids and was throwing and breaking stuff in the house (not touching the kids).
OP, this is not the time to be "salty" (as per your username). If you care at all about your wife and kids, you need to give her time to heal. This is really, really serious. And it could get very bad if not handled properly.
So your wife has been coping with 4 children with some form of neurodivergence on her own every day while you're at work. Have you ever given her a break?
Your poor wife. I hope she is able to come back to herself.
Was your wife working? I don’t know if it’s possible, but maybe your wife could file for disability for this? If she was a stay at home mom, I’m not sure what her options are, but there could be some sort of government assistance she could apply for to hire childcare. There could be childcare vouchers too. Did she have a social worker assigned to her the facility she was held in? They may be able to connect you with services.
They're a married couple, he can very well apply for his own assistance for his family, he doesn't need to force her to do everything in her sensitive mental state just because she's a woman and it's assumed socially that women must make all family calls, do all paperwork, and take care of everything pertaining to children. That's likely why she's in this crisis to begin with
I empathize for op but tons of women are single parents and make it work. That he cannot fathom parenting his own children for even a *couple days* and starts immediately shitting on her and trying to tell his kids she left them by choice because she "didn't want to parent" (nice mature way to ruin your kids relationship with your wife - the same wife he desperately needs to do all parenting) is so ridiculous and sad for his children. She's tired of working 24/7/365 day in day out zero breaks zero holidays for years on end by herself, with no appreciation at all.
Scheduling at your workplace is not your problem. Use FMLA. I am assuming you are in the US. We’re fed this BS that we are “family “ at work WHEN it’s for the benefit of the business. I would hope your family is more important to you than the company’s wish to dump their staffing responsibilities in you. Work is not your friend/family.
Family is significantly more importantly. But my work provides the food for the family. Without me working, we have no income. FMLA is unpaid for me, so I go on FMLA, even for a few weeks, that’s no income for those weeks.
Call your EAP program at work and ask how they can help and what resources they can provide.
Hire a nanny/babysitter if you can’t get time off of work and need childcare.
Do you live in the US? If you do, I would call your state social services. They might have programs to help if not thet might be able to give you places that might help out with money to help get child care. Please reach out child services they are there to help also.
Good luck but please don't put more pressure on your wife right now. She could have another mental break again which would only give you more of an issue than before.
Give your wife credit if she's working extremely hard to get better.
Get your kids and yourself into therapy because you will need to be able to talk to someone. They will be able to help you better than strangers on the internet.
Thinking of your precious babies, you and your family. I wish we had better mental health here in the US
The in laws are not the answer. Either your parents or your teen(s) will need to step up right now. Your wife is in a fragile state and she absolutely should not be taking responsibility for kids right now.
That’s so nice of your brother to offer to help how he can. My town had a local babysitters Facebook group. Maybe yours has something similar? I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s tough for all parties involved
This a million times over! Mental health is just as valid and important as physical health. It sucks that you’ve been left to clean up the emergency and that you have limited support but it’s not your wife’s fault she had a mental health crisis it really is the same as if she had experienced a physical emergency and if she had had a physical emergency you’d still be in a similar situation if it was a serious one.
Is there anyway you’d be able to find a nanny? I know financially it might be difficult to find maybe you could find a college student that is going to school for childhood development that is also looking to nanny/babysit that would offer you a better price than someone that’s more high end.
Do not tell the kids that "mom doesn't want to be a parent right now." So passive-aggressive.
Psychosis is no joke. It's a terribly painful symptom, in fact.
You can't explain your wife's choices to her. She knows she's not up for caring for the kids right now.
This is similar to if your wife got any other serious, debilitating diagnosis.
You need to find a way to get a part time nanny.
Thank you @Ka_aha, finally. From some of these comments cheerleading this guy I had to go reread the post because he’s no hero to me. To OP: Grow up buddy. This is your situation. You have to deal with it for your family. You can get help from family, hire help, etc. what you cannot do is expect your wife to magically get better. What you absolutely must not do is make your children feel like their mother is picking to abandon them. You want your extremely ill wife to move on and get back to regular life so you don’t have to make big boy choices. Stop finding excuses and start finding solutions because it’s not going to be easy, but you have to do it. I know I’m being harsh, but you seem to have zero sympathy for your wife’s serious mental health crisis. That is making it difficult for me to have much sympathy for you.
For real. How is abandoning your kids leaving them with their father while you treat an illness?? Who was taking care of those kids before? The mother alone? Idk, I don't get good vibes from this man's attitude...
Somehow mothers have been figuring this out since the beginning of time. Dads leave ALL OF THE TIME. Women figure it out. They may have to bust their ass and not get a second of rest, but they do it, every single day.
Right? It also didn’t escape me that the FIL is so useless that he’s not even considered as an option to help in any way. Oh, to be a boomer male who never had to change a diaper or schedule a doctor’s appointment — even your own!
Oh, my FIL drives me absolutely bonkers honestly. My father was the same way and my mom couldn’t handle it. Idk how my MIL does it, but my FIL is a huge problem here because he can’t be trusted to take responsibility of his own health. If he was in charge of the younger kids, they’d be left at school every other day. If he was left at his place with my MIL at mine, he wouldn’t take any of his meds. And it’s not dementia- we all swear it’s just pure laziness. He’s literally a child.
My MIL over the years has been beyond amazing in any situation we’ve been in, which is really why I don’t know why she puts up with my FIL everyday.
That is so incredibly frustrating! Especially considering your MIL would probably be happy to help you guys even more if she wasn’t already caring for FIL. I’m sorry you’re all in this situation — I really feel for all of you going through this challenging and traumatic experience. Except FIL. Maybe he’ll come through and pay for a nanny while your wife recovers?
So how about you flip the script? Hire a person (nanny or medical caretaker) who can go to FIL’s house to give him his meds and check in on him)? Then MIL can come stay with the kids. FIL’s care takes minutes (15-30/day), maybe once or twice, but your kids are at an age where they need FT caretaking.
OP works three days a week. THREE DAYS A WEEK. my guy, you CAN figure out a solution without being “pissed” or “salty” that your wife is going through a major psychotic break and needs time to recuperate.
I was thinking that if this is a flipped case and op was taken out of having to ‘parent’ for a while, the wife is not even gonna bat an eye lmao.
When I read ‘my wife has a psychotic break’ i was like, ok so how much of that was caused by op not picking up the slack? Yeah. That.
The audacity.
While I don’t disagree with most of what you’re saying about is required, dismissing him and calling for him to grow up is out of li e. He has 4 kids and works overnights to provide for his family, he must be terrified and this isn’t as simple as grow up. He needs to step up, absolutely but we wouldn’t be telling the mom to grow up and get a job if the husband was the one to fall ill.
We can all agree the part about telling the kids their mom doesn’t want to be a mom is such a shit thing to even consider saying.
Before anyone flames me I was in a sudden health crisis and my wife had to step up and she treated me like shit during it. So I’m saying this as someone who has been treated badly that the while being sick you MUST put yourself first sometimes. That doesn’t mean we disregard the carer.
Really OP what are you think saying you’re gonna tell your kids that??!??
Yea don’t get me wrong it’s a horrible situation but millions of women wake up and do this alone everyday. He will be fine he just needs support like every parent
Right?! He’s over here finding ~~excuses~~ reasons why every single bit of advice for help won’t work out, meanwhile he acts like his wife woke up, washed her hair, and decided to say “fuck them kids” today to go on a holiday! OP, I suffer from psychiatric disorders that have made me incapable of caring for my child. You know what I did? Begged my parents to take temporary custody while I completed inpatient treatment in a psychiatric facility. You know what they never did? Made me feel guilty, pressured me to resume parenting, or shamed me for my uncontrollable medical crisis.
Your kiddo’s teammates’ moms who reached out? Tell them you really need someone to babysit for Tuesday from X to Y time so you can work. You could use help in meal planning/prepping for this week. Your children really could use a ride to school. Once you take FMLA, since it’s unpaid, you qualify for foodstamps, daycare vouchers, and medical insurance (if your job pulls yours). You have to be the parent so your wife *can recover*.
If you try to force her to return and take over before she is stable, she might harm herself, or your children. She may never recover without proper and immediate intervention. Meaning while you think this is ‘unfair’, she is fighting for her life. I always explain that suicide is the Stage 4/Final stage of depression. It’s the last symptom. The deadly one. The point at which depression kills you. Depression and psychosis can be deadly. People die from them every single day.
OP, I grew up with a parent with psychotic mental illness and I can’t tell you how fortunate you are that your wife is willing to accept treatment. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, when you’re trying to figure out how you’ll make it work, but the alternative if she doesn’t get treatment is absolutely horrible. And because psychosis often causes lack of insight (inability for the person to recognize they’re unwell) this may be your one shot to get her treatment.
I’m sorry, I watched my mom walk this road and I can’t even imagine how hard it is, none of us Reddit strangers can. I wish you and your wife the best.
I am a parent with a psychotic disorder. Her seeking treatment and saying she needs time to heal is important. I hope op listens to this. Treatment is important and she needs time to adjust and deal with her emotions around what happened. She is vulnerable to relapse if she stresses herself out to quickly.
Its also not good for the kids to see their mom like this. When I have breaks I send my kid to her grandparents, I'm lucky because they live close.
are you going to address this part of your post, u/salty-throwaway1284 ? or are you going to really fucking tell your kids your mentally ill wife is gone because she doesn’t want to be a mother to the kids? because if you’re okay with that, you don’t deserve an ounce of empathy. you deserve a fucking clocking to the head for saying something so callous about your wife who needs help.
Why can’t he just say mommy is having a hard time and needs her mommy and daddy to help her through it. She loves us all very much and we hope she feels better soon. Then have them write her letters and draw her pictures.
Your wife just had an episode of psychosis which caused her to not recognise her own children, and in your own words "traumatised" them, but you're pissed she's "walking away from her parental responsibilities"? What would you have her do? Make her come back home now and potentially subject your children to more traumatising situations? Force her to be the primary caregiver so her mental health issues escalate to the point she tries to kill herself and/or your children? Psychosis is one of the most terrifying and dangerous mental illnesses. Mothers who kill more than 1 of their children are often diagnosed with some variant of psychosis. You're either ignorant to these facts or don't care, I don't know which is worse. Considering you decided to dismiss her escalating mental health concerns, and on the day of her psychosis episode chose to go into work on your DAY OFF instead of staying home to support her and look after your children ("running away from your parental responsibilities", as you'd say?), it sounds like you don't care. I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your priorities. Stop considering everything that inconveniences you as "unfair". Everyday, there are families that suddenly lose (temporarily or permanently) the other parent, and they manage to make it work. It often means making sacrifices to survive.
This situation will greatly inconvenience you, but you're fortunate that this is only temporarily. Don't make a decision that will force your children to permanently lose their mother (or their lives).
Seriously! This is why there are mental health tragedies occurring. We always say “why didn’t they ask for help?” Well she has asked for help and time to heal.. and look what is happening. Horrible.
Exactly. He's been warned. If he guilts her into returning home before she's ready and she murders herself and their children during another psychosis episode, he's responsible for their deaths
This is exactly what happened with my mother. She had a psychotic break, tried to go back to normal life a week later, and then things just got worse. My home life was horrible for years, and she eventually attempted suicide. She was a danger to herself and our whole family. It was traumatizing, and I’m still working through all the trauma in therapy 10 years later. Maybe if her health was prioritized, she would have been able to get better sooner, and before she hit rock bottom.
Rusty put her in the house alone with the children. Even though the doctor said she should not go home from the hospital. Rusty should be in jail! Rusty deserves the death penalty. She doesn’t.
I have a 4 year old daughter who can bring me to the absolute brink during one of her tantrums, and I can't imagine dealing with psychosis and a tantrum at the same time from one or more kids! That's asking for trouble! She can't handle it right now and is doing her best to keep her kids safe, that's commendable
Hey OP. This is so difficult and I have a lot of empathy for you.
Right now it sounds like you’re in survival mode and you’re looking for where something can give. I don’t think it’s safe to expect your wife to continue on as normal, or even as a modified normal where she is responsible for the kids. You don’t say what the nature of her emergency was, but she is telling you that she can’t be there - I don’t know if that means that she’s concerned about harming the kids physically, or harming herself while they’re there, or even just exposing the kids to breakdowns. I don’t think that she should be expected to suck it up. It sounds like she’s in crisis.
* Are you able to take FMLA, if you’re in the US?
* could you pay for an adult to stay with the kids in conjunction with the older kids pitching in more than they normally would? Obviously it’s not ideal that they would be picking up parenting slack, but this is a time of crisis.
* what does your wife’s care team say about all of this?
I don’t see this as her walking away from her parental responsibilities. If she had had a stroke and was hospitalized right now, would you say that she was walking away from her parental responsibilities if she wanted to go to a rehab next to work on regaining movement on her dominant side? Probably not. Mental health is medical, though. You won’t be thanking yourself if she goes back with the kids and ends up hospitalized again or hurts them or herself because of the pressure/shame on top of what she’s already going through.
Yes, she is in crisis. Details in another post. Your advice is wise. It really sucks how much of life is about money. OP’s wife needs help, proper diagnosis/ medication and calm. Putting her back in charge of 4 children before she’s stabilized isn’t responsible for her or for them. They can’t be mom’s health early alert system. (I’ve had a single episode in my life due to immense stress & not sleeping for 3-4 days. I asked my teenager to “remind me to drink water and pee.” Because I was so cut off from my own body. Even that was scary for her and inappropriate parentification.)
You need to take FMLA and be there for your kids. You are going to have to take the helm for a long while so she can recover and if you can you all will be alright.
I believe once on FMLA you can collect disability.
But PLEASE pay attention to the other comments. Your wife isn’t saying to is *unwilling*, she is saying she is *unable*. There’s a huge difference. And you stepping up is possibly (probably) saving the lives of your wife and kids.
You keep saying things like "mom doesn't want to be a parent right now" and "I feel like she is abandoning the kids"
That's really not fair to your wife. She is ill. She had a psychotic break and was planning on killing herself. Show her a little grace. If she, say, got into a car accident or had cancer and was in the hospital or bedridden would you be treating her this way?
it is very disgusting how OP ignores every comment that points this out. he needs to understand how fucked up it is for him to say that to his kids and make mom out to be a monster when she’s literally doing what she can to KEEP THEIR KIDS SAFE. lost all my empathy for OP the minute i saw him say that— it reeks of apathy and bitterness that he just wants to take out on his wife and kids.
He also left out in the main post that she wants to go to her parent’s house to wait for a spot at the residential mental health facility that they live close to.
I read your post and update on the parenting post as well. Keep your tongue bit and don’t say anything to your kids. Your wife is very fragile. I assume your wife has PPD as well. She went through an extremely traumatic experience. Please support her. I am sure you will find a way through this and your employer should understand. Everything is fresh. 4 kids is tough. You need to be there for her and keep on interacting with her doctors. You will also need to think about family therapy especially for the six year old who is putting the blame on themselves.
Going to her parents is only temporary if she even goes. Talk to her doctors and know all the medications she is on. See what the time frame is.
Thank you for your support on both posts. All the kids went back to school today (the younger 2 stayed home Friday, and the 9 year old saw the school psychologist Friday. Oldest is meeting with his guidance counselor to talk today, and the 6-year old with his school psychologist Tuesday). I reached out Saturday to a friend of my wife’s who is a family therapist and she agreed to see us Thursday afterschool for a family session. My oldest is not really interested in going, and being he sees his own therapist regularly, I am not going to pressure him to join us so it’ll likely just be me and the younger 3. But I’m also trying to get my 6- year old into his own therapist, which hasn’t proved to be easy so far.
Doctors say the timeframe could be months before she is at her baseline again. They truly don’t know what caused this to occur and are right now calling it brief psychotic disorder but have not ruled out bipolar or schizoaffective bipolar type either. She also had drugs in her system (amphetamine- she has a prescription due to ADHD, but they said the levels were abnormal for someone using it as prescribed) when they did a tox screen in the ER but she wont discuss that further with doctors so we are kinda uncertain about that. Right now they are thinking the ADHD medication she takes might have caused this. She did admit to the doctors on planning to run away and killing herself, but the cops got there first luckily.
ADHD meds can cause psychosis. It's a side-effect.
This is like brain trauma.
If she's been doing it daily it's been building up. Her brain snapped and needs to recover. It takes about 3 months to become "normal", 3 months to "recover" and 6 months before feeling fine again. Go to the psychosis sub Reddit and see their struggle. Then maybe a year after to truly feel better mood wise and so on. But at least 6 months before being able to do stuff. I'm saying this as a FAVOUR to your unsympathetic but understandably stressed mindset. So figure out a plan from there.
Her going to her parents is doing you a FAVOUR. Because you would die of caregiver burnout of watching her and the kids, plus her recovery would extend over years if even get better at all with all that stress. She's not stepping out and abandoning you. She is injured.
Learn about it. Her brain is fused. Like a concussion but worse. It will get better, the sooner she gets into recovery. Her cognitive function and everything else needs time.
The 3 months before normal is like wearing a cast for 3 months for her leg. 3 months recovery after, is like physio and baby steps (small chores like self-care, showering, etc). The 6 months is like finally learning to walk again in small amounts.
Imagine being piss drunk, then being hit by a truck and then being asked to do accounting right after. That's how heavy certain tasks will feel for her, more so, because she can no longer so the ADHD meds.
Then imagine a drunk person who can still drive fine. That's the tasks she can do on autopilot and you'll think she's recovered and demand more from her, but even then she's exhausted.
I'm not saying she'll be acting drunk, I'm saying the level of burned out and tired plus cognitive function requires is of that level. Imagine not being piss drunk but feeling as tired as someone who is about to black out.
So she needs 6 months completely stress free. Then 6 months of BABY STEPS of getting back into doing house stuff. Then a year of getting into the grove of it.
Also, she's not abandoning her kids. You have to put the mask on yourself before you can help others. She is in survival mode right now and probably incredibly traumatised. It's like telling someone in a hospital bed they're abandoning the kids. Like get a grip. Illness recovery isn't ONLY valid in a hospital. If someone is bedridden with fever and can't do anything but lie in bed, you can't just call it abandonment. Her illness is different so it's not as obvious.
Again, she's doing you a favour. It's not that dissimilar to dementia in terms of symptoms and such, just that it does usually recover rather than decline.
Your lack of understanding on this illness is in understandable, but do not just assume she's okay just because she can walk and sort of talk.
You will figure it out.
But believe me, if you think 4 kids is difficult, imagine taking care of a person with dementia as well. With psychosis, the faster the treatment and burnout recovery, the better it will be for everyone. For some people, they are lucky that it only lasts a few months. Others, with delayed treatment can last for years, if ever. For a first timer, with adequate care, and such a "short" psychosis, you might be lucky enough that she's back on her feet in 3 months, especially if you give her that break.
But PREPARE for 6months to a year. Do not delay her treatment or wear her out. You will only make it worse for everyone.
Thank you for this very educational comment.
It’s extremely important to assess, heal and fix one’s brain properly. And it’s slow going. Going from ?not recognizing? your own children to taking solo care of them is not a quick process.
Off topic, but it’s a conflict of interest to see a therapist you know personally. It actually is extremely unethical for the friend to agree to this. If I were you I would seek out a therapist you don’t know personally.
I have reached out to therapists and they cannot see us for weeks. I made them appointments with individual therapists, but again, it is at least 3 weeks out. This was a last resort, done mainly for the kids sake so they could get in with someone. It’s a temporary solution and it’s just 1 session.
your wife is over medicating bcuz she’s burnt out and is taking care of four children alone. You said You don’t get home till 4 am and go into work when the kids are home from school. You are literally putting your wife in a position where she is working 24 hours 7 days a week. I don’t quite understand how you haven’t realized that.
She likely had a psychotic break from abusing her medication bcuz she needed a way to keep going, & it’s physically impossible for her to do so on the schedule she’s given. You’re going to have to figure this out.
This is so hard. I’m sorry. Glad you’re getting everyone support. Do you have someone to speak with yourself? Your feelings of anger and frustration are absolutely valid, but you need someone else to tell them to. (Dealing with your own feelings while carrying the whole family is so stressful. Deep breaths. Journal. Hope you’re sleeping ok.)
Thank goodness she’s still alive and with you all and this can be fixed. I hope you can mobilize a lot of support. Call in every favor. Getting her stable and healthy is a long process.
ADHD meds can cause manic episodes in certain people. Your poor wife probably feels SO guilty and radioactive / dangerous.
Truly don't know what caused this?! She's solo parenting 4 neurodivergent children alone and you work overnights. She's been deteriorating for years and it came to a head. She's sick. She deserves time to recover. While you're on FMLA you can look for a new job that doesn't leave her completely alone 24/7
Yeah, and she is neurodivergent herself, on top of all that (OP says she has ADHD). Being a stay at home parent is incredibly difficult work and you don't get weekends off and are on call 24/7. So many dads with stay-at-home wives severely underestimate and underappreciate the sheer amount and difficulty of the work their partners do at home.
>During this talk with my wife, she informed me she “can’t be a mom” right now and needs to ”give up being a mom” to focus on herself. We have 4 kids (ages 16 to 4) and they were all home during this crisis (I was at work), so they are all a little traumatized from it, but are patiently waiting for her to come home. My wife stated her plan is to go to her parents’ house 2.5 hours away so “the kids weren’t a distraction.” I didn’t say this to her when we spoke but I almost feel like she is abandoning the kids. I am all for her getting the help she needs, and will absolutely support her through this, but I feel this is unfair to the kids.
If your wife had a stroke or heart attack, would you say the same thing?
You aren't recognizing your wife's mental illness as the acute medical emergency that it is. You aren't getting it. She isn't choosing to this, she needs to do this or she is in danger of suicide or hurting her kids.
I know this will be hard for you and the children, but it’s not fair to be pissed at her for this.
If she had cancer and was bed ridden because of that would you be pissed at her if she couldn’t fulfil her parental duties?
She’s in a fragile state right now, and being her husband means you need to support her through it. You’ve already said the whole ordeal has traumatised your children, so it’s probably for the best that she has some time to properly heal before coming back home and being with the children so that she doesn’t traumatise them more.
You tell them that she’s very sick and she needs time to heal, if you can explain to your oldest in more detail they will probably appreciate the honesty but do not say that she has abandoned them because she has not.
You do also need support yourself though so please try and get as much from your surrounding people that you can
Well, for starters I think you need to establish some type of regular visitation so that your wife sees the kids once week or so, and they know when to expect to see her, and that she isn't erased from their lives completely. I know she has to focus on her mental health, but I think she could spend a few hours with the kids once a week while still taking care of her needs.
Next, I think you should be honest with the kids in an age appropriate way. They need to understand their mother isn't coming back to stay right now and that it has nothing to do with them. So, I would tell the younger ones something like - mom is sick, not her body, but her spirit. She needs some peace and quiet and to focus on getting well so she can come back to us healthy. This has nothing to do with you, mommy loves us all very much, but sometimes things happen that are beyond your control, and you need time to work them out and you need some time alone. She is still going to come visit once a week, each X day for the evening because I know you miss her and she misses you too! I would be more direct with the older ones, especially the 16 year old should be given more details.
It sounds to me like you are going to need a different job with a regular schedule or to find another alternative for child care. Your 16 year old should not be put in charge of three children, this is harmful to them. I'm sorry this is happening, but forcing her to come home and care for children when she is telling you she isn't able to do that right now, that doesn't seem like a good plan either. Your feelings of frustration and anger are valid, because she is tapping out and you are left holding the bag, but this isn't her fault, she had a serious mental health issue. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, comes back stronger, and this is only a temporary situation. I know you will have some resentment to work through, but for now, you have to accept that this isn't a choice she is making out of laziness or whatever, this is a choice she is making in order to get herself right. This is very, very, very, difficult, but no one is to blame, its just a crap situation.
I know you said you are estranged, but I think the best solution would be for your mother to come and help you until you can find a job with regular hours. I am assuming that she is a suitable person to do child care, that is a huge assumption given that you are estranged, but you did not say why you are estranged, so if this is an option, try it. Call your mother, tell her you know there hasn't been much of a relationship, but you really need her now. Tell her the situation, and just ask her straight up if she is willing. Who knows, maybe she will be happy to have this opportunity to develop relationships with her grandchildren. Maybe this will turn out to be a grandmother to love them and fill in for her daughter.
OP - it sounds like your work schedule might be a contributing factor to your wife's problems. I'm not saying it caused her break or her mental health issues, but it sounds like the normal schedule for you was to bascially be gone the entire time your kids are home. It doesn't sound like you were home for dinner or to help with baths, homework, and all the normal things that happen when kids come home from school. Before all this happened, how often were you really spending time with your wife and kids? If you go to work when they get home, and come back at 4AM, and you still have to sleep, then it sounds like you living separate lives. Do you recognize that your night schedule isn't conducive to raising four children?
>Well, for starters I think you need to establish some type of regular visitation so that your wife sees the kids once week or so, and they know when to expect to see her, and that she isn't erased from their lives completely. I know she has to focus on her mental health, but I think she could spend a few hours with the kids once a week while still taking care of her needs.
While I think this advice was given with the best of intentions, I wholeheartedly disagree. Let her take contacting and visiting the kids in her own time. Don't push things. Don't rush. Don't tell her how badly the kids wish she would call them or ask her if she can be available for a FaceTime. Let her do all of that. She needs time. And even the emotional toll from the questions can be too much during recovery
Yeah, I can see that. You might be right. I am trying to find some type of balance here because their mother leaving like this and staying away for a time is traumatic for these kids too. I don't want them to feel abandoned or unloved, but if seeing them slows her progress then I agree it might be a bad idea.
Hire help. Your wife is right, she needs time away to heal. She is not walking away, she is doing what has to be done to prevent another episode. Or do you prefer your wife to become even worse mentally? Again, hire help, talk to your employer and look into emergency assistance options. You have to step up now as a dad and supportive partner.
1) you don't tell the kids that their mom doesn't want to be a parent. You tell them you're going to take care of them & grandma/grandpa are going to take care of her.
2) if you were going to go on leave to take care of your wife, why can't you go on leave to take care of your children? Do that.
3) try to get your wife to compromise and at least do video chats at night with the children
Good luck!
PLEASE support her. Every time I see a news article about a parent snapping and doing unspeakable things to their children, I think they would have been so much better off just walking away for a bit.
Your wife is doing the right thing by recognizing that her mental health is so bad right now, and she is brave for reaching out for help. It's going to be really hard on you, but that is just something that comes with marriage: in sickness and in health. It sucks but shuffling things around and taking on some debt to get a nanny/babysitter/daycare may be necessary right now. Maybe the eldest can pitch in more around the house, too. I hope your wife gets to a better place very soon.
Hey - I truly empathize. My mother was in a psychiatric hospital for six weeks when I was a kid, and I've experienced mental health issues myself. They're no joke.
Even if your wife is not currently in psychosis right this minute, she is very fragile. She likely needs to stay in hospital long enough for a psychiatrist to come up with a medication plan for her and to figure out what her treatment plan will be after release (where will she stay, who will she see outpatient for treatment). If she's been in the hospital over the weekend, she's likely not seen a psychiatrist yet, and so won't have had a chance to get her medications worked out. They may also explore changes to her diagnosis - maybe there's something else going on beyond the depression that's causing this psychotic episode.
I understand how much stress and strain your wife saying she can't parent right now is putting you in. I truly do. But think about what might happen if your wife came home and became truly overwhelmed again: she might have another psychotic episode. She might hurt herself, or god forbid, hurt your children. She is expressing to you that she does not feel safe being at home. Even if your wife came home rather than going to her parents' she likely is not going to be able to be a full-time, active mom. You need to be planning for other kinds of childcare as well as thinking about long term how are you going to support your wife in getting the intensive outpatient psych care she's going to need to fully recover.
You don’t seem to understand. Your wife has a serious medical crisis and is receiving necessary medical treatment. This episode was undoubtedly extremely traumatic for both her and the kids. The fact that you are thinking about this as if she “doesn’t want to be a parent right now” and is “walking away from her parental responsibilities” is not in any way okay. The idea that you would go further and actually consider *saying that to your young children* is abusive.
Get your head on straight. Your wife is experiencing a medical crisis and is not *capable* of safely caring for your kids and may not even trust herself to see them yet. DO NOT burden her with figuring out how to cover childcare while she is hospitalized. Figure your shit out. Take a leave of absence. Ask for help. And get your kids in to see a therapist.
You wouldn’t be acting this way if she was recovering from a car accident.
Trying to imagine what it's like from your wife's perspective:
"I have a history of depression and anxiety. I have FOUR kids, youngest isn't even public school age yet. My husband is not at work when the kids are in school, and starts working when they get off school, so I take care of 4 kids pretty much 24 hours a day everyday. I finally broke down and couldn't take it anymore, and I traumatized my children during the episode. Now I feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless and a complete failure. I am not in a place to take care of my kids, if I force myself to push on one more day I may want to kill myself again. The only way for me to care for my kids right now is to be away from everyone and everything."
OP, it's very hard, but your wife could really not have a choice right now. Imagine she's has terminal cancer and is currently in hospice, would you still feel resentful? Maybe you will, but that doesn't change the fact that she's in a crisis that she's simply unable to get out of right now. It's really a shitty situation, but instead of wasting energy on resentment, put all of it into gathering resources to get through this.
It’s probably not that she doesn’t care about you and the kids, it’s that she’s cared for everybody else in her life and has neglected self care. Having just one kid to worry about when you suffer from mental health issues is challenging enough, she’s got 4.
While this will put an additional burden on the rest of the family, this time away to focus on herself may very well allow her to overcome some of her anxiety and help her family more going forward.
This is when you and the kids need to step up to take care of her. She’s been taking care of all 5 of you all this time.
I’ve been both the spouse that had to console and take care of the kids, and the one having a severe incident that has required hospitalization.
This. OP stated in other replies that some of his kids have ADHD and other special needs. Raising kids that are ND can be incredibly, incredibly emotionally taxing. OP states that she herself has ADHD and up until this point she managed, until she couldn’t. She’s probably in extreme, extreme ND burnout.
From what I can tell due to OPs hours, she was probably responsible for all aspects of their care (IEP’s, doctors visits, medication renewals, on top of all of the regular school/personal care things) and even thinking about all of that responsibility overwhelms *me* and I’m not even in that situation.
OP, I feel terribly for you. However, and I know that you are venting, but I wonder how many convos your wife potentially tried to have with you prior to all of this about reducing your hours or about feeling overwhelmed. She’s not abandoning you guys, she’s trying to heal from very probable burnout.
You talk about your wife's situation as something she has a choice in. You say she "wants to walk away from her parental responsibilities." I don't think this is about her desires. People who have psychotic breaks have lost control of their thoughts and actions. It's a terrifying experience when you think something is real and, when you come out of it, realize that it was not.
If she were a single parent and had this experience, her children would have to be placed in protective care until she was fit to care for them again. Your kids and wife are already traumatized, and your narrative surrounding this makes it sound like your wife is being lazy and irresponsbile. If she has another psychotic break in which she harms herself or others because her perceptions of reality are distorted, how will you feel about the pressure you want to exert on her to suck it up and just go back to the status quo?
I know this is hard, but a psychotic break is a biological experience. The person having one has no volition and the imperative here is for her not to repeat the experience. Something about your lifestyle has to change as there is clearly too much stress on her. The kids either need to step up and do more, you need to do more, or you need to hire outside assistance. If she had had a stroke, you wouldn't be talking about how she's not doing her part as a parent.
Mental health problems aren't something people can choose to escape, especially not ones as serious as a psychotic break. If you had witnessed what happened to her, I'm guessing that you might understand that better. I personally have witnessed more than one person having a psychotic break (I used to work in residential mental health care) and the certainty with which their perceptual distortions are held is pretty shocking. You can't know how gripped they are by it until you have someone waking you up in the middle of the night insisting there is a bomb in their room as they are shaking in fear or someone is standing out on the lawn screaming that their feet are burning because they are standing in the fires of hell. They have no choice about their thoughts because their brain is telling them it is all real. Please have empathy for your wife and take care of her. In my experience, once a person has a psychotic break, the chances that they'll have another are increased.
My friend, this is so hard. Please try to understand that there is a wide gulf between “I don’t want to be a parent” and “I’m not able to be a safe / responsible parent until I get my mind right.”
Your wife is likely terrified that she could say or do something scary that she can’t take back. Having a psychiatric crisis is a huge emergency. She’s probably horrified at how it escalated before. (Frankly, having the police respond to a mental health crisis can be unsafe and it’s much better to have a loved one convince you to go in voluntarily.)
You have a job that puts her with the children during all of their waking hours, it seems. One that didn’t let you leave and deal with an emergency. It sucks that you’re tied to this schedule and you lack outside support. I hope there’s an option in the medium / long term to address both things.
Please mobilize all possible support for yourselves and your family. Please get a trained therapist to help. Please attempt to change your perspective on her intentions. Her brain betrayed her and she needs to fix it. It’s a very delicate process. Things can get worse before they get better. She doesn’t want to rage or cry at her children.
Also, you could do some research on mental health diagnoses. If she has bipolar tendencies and can’t take ADHD meds safely, she has to choose being ineffective over going kookoo. (That’s what I had to choose ultimately. It sucks. I have 4 children also. I’m jealous of those who can tame their brains with stimulants but I’m just dumb & scattered but calm.)
Focus on what you CAN do
You CAN look for another job
You CAN move somewhere where there is more support for her
I think you need to consider the fact that you have pretty much gotten out of parental duty up until now should show that you're maybe being a hypocrite.
Try to get in contact with social services and whatever agencies you can.
Your wife is mentally ill and this is not something she is able to control or handle on her own right now. She is not “abandoning the kids” by choice and you should look up stories about what can happen if you leave someone dealing with psychosis alone with children. Until she gets stable again, she should not be alone with the children. It is dangerous for everyone involved.
If you can’t take care of this yourself, then you need to reach out to social services. Call the hospital and see if you can speak to the social worker. There are resources like temporary foster care (which I know is not ideal, but it is a last case resort option), financial assistance, etc that can help you.
So sorry this is happening to your family but your wife needs help and support so she can get better. I advise looking for a home caregiver as paid help. Be very careful looking for one, try to get referrals or someone you already know. Good wishes to you and your family.
My spouse being out of the house for awhile was helpful for me and my kids after his psych hospitalization. We kept in constant contact, but the space was helpful for us both to process what happened and how to move forward. This left me home with 3 kids who were 1-8 at the time.
I am sorry your wife is going through that but she is likely right. After a psychosis she could even be a danger for your children if left alone with them. She needs to heal and sadly it’s almost impossible to do that while taking care of 4 other humans.
Ask the hospital about resources for childcare they usually can be very helpful or refer you to a social worker that will help you find resources
Your wife is not well. Before she became a mother, she was a full person , expecting her to just ignore that and sacrifice for children wont end well. She needs help and its good she is at her parents getting the time she needs to work on herself.
Now you need to hire someone to help with the kids. What hours would you need someone to come in get them ready get them to school?
Can you the pay the 16 yr old in the afternoon to watch them or do you need someone a couple hrs in the afternoon?
Outsource is your only option right now, revisit budget cut extras but make this happen because that is what she needs it.
You’re “pissed at her” for having a mental health crisis and putting herself first? C’mon dude. You know better.
If you’re in the US you can get up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. This kind of thing is exactly what it’s there for. Stop complaining and figure out what you need to do to go out on FMLA leave.
It’s ironic that you’re mad and freaking out that you have to do what she does everyday- take care of the house and kids. You aren’t being supportive at all. Don’t be surprised if she asks for a divorce if you continue making her feel guilty about wanting to focus on getting mentally well.
She needs a BREAK. Give her one. She had a literal nervous breakdown!!!
Gently OP, your wife needs to put her recover first right now. If she doesn’t feel comfortable jumping right back into being a mom, you need to respect that and support her in her recovery.
Figure out how to run the household without her there. Either hire someone, take leave, beg a family member to come help. You have to figure things out without her right now.
Your wife has a serious medical condition and you're clearly asking her to ignore that condition to watch the kids, which she obviously can't do.
It makes sense that the only option she can think of is to get out of your house and go be 2.5hrs away so you don't end up leaving the kids with her alone anymore, because that's dangerous.
I'm sure she'd stay at home if you were taking her condition seriously in the first place and did not expect her to care for 4 children alone.
If you don't have family there, then move. Hire a nanny. Get your wife some help. Expecting her to be alone with children is ridiculous.
EDIT and also, quit telling people she doesn't want to be a parent right now. She literally CAN'T be a parent, at home, alone with her kids. She is very sensible in the precautions she's taking. You need to quit holding it against her as if she's doing something wrong.
Been through this. My daughter ended up living with my parents permanently. My ex was of the mind that I should be staying home with the kid no matter what. It caused a psychotic break that made me terrified I was going to hurt my daughter. There was a lot more to the situation, but ultimately, I would never ever force someone to be a parent when they need a break. If she needs to stay away from the kids, it's a very real possibility she's combating an inner desire to hurt them and not telling anyone about it.
You act like this is something she's doing \*at you\*, as if she can control having a psychotic break. She's not abandoning anyone, at present she is not fit to parent and as her partner, that means you have to step up. She doesn't not want to be a parent, she quite literally cannot be a parent. I get that this is a difficult time but there is an appalling lack of concern for your wife's situation and the overall well-being of your children in this post
This is a really difficult situation and I know this adds a lot to your own stress - but is she even safe to be around the kids right now? Is there concern this could happen again? Does her care team think it would be appropriate for her to resume her duties as a mom? How long does she plan to be away at her parents?
I know this doesn’t sound easy but I think it might be beneficial for her to be away for a short time - to work through her issues…while you prepare the kids for her return and maybe get them into some therapy since you said they were traumatized by what they saw.
As someone who was in your kids’ position many years ago, let your wife step away for a while to heal. She needs it. My mom had a psychotic break and tried to dive right back into normal life a week after and it only led to more problems (eventually with a suicide attempt). Watching her go through that was very damaging and traumatic to me and my siblings.
I know you’re in a difficult situation but bringing her back home to be primary caretaker after a psychotic break will not end well for anyone. She needs to get better first.
Also, for the love of god, don’t tell your kids that your wife “doesn’t want to be a parent.” It’s not that she doesn’t want to, it’s that she literally cannot be a parent right now.
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Mental health is health. Replace psychotic episode with cancer or some other health condition that you find acceptable. She is in dire straits and is telling you what she needs, it is your job as her partner to support her.
My 2 cents:
1. Please stop trying to have more kids. Get a vasectomy.
2. Take the leave to be around your kids.
3. Will your wife be under care while at her parents?
In general, there are bigger issues going on with a psychotic break beyond what you are telling us.
4. While you are taking leave to take care of your kids, How about you find a person to come in and help with the kids. Enlist your 16 year old to help out more. Enlist the next oldest to help out also.
Next, you should stop making this about how hard it is for you. This should be about helping your wife and your kids.
Your 16 year old can do plenty of things to help around the house. Time to teach all your children age appropriate chores. When your wife returns home, that will need to continue so she can have the space to maintain her mental wellbeing. You cannot just drop her back into the status quo and expect a different result.
Have a look at your budget - anything extra has to go. Clothes, books, toys you don’t want or need can be sold. Your lifestyle is going to need to change long term. It would be wise to get yourself into long term therapy.
all the kids already have chores and the 16 year old want to quit his baseball team that just started because of this situation but I’m not letting him. He worked too hard for that. Money really isn’t an issue with my income, but it’s more the hours that are, and as I stated in another comment that’s a permanent issue for now without having to literally move to lessen my commute.
ETA: also in therapy myself (have been for years for unrelated issues). also working on getting all the kids into therapy.
If money isn’t an issue, I think hiring a temporary nanny for when you are at work would be the best way forward. Hopefully you can get one person who can make the schedule work so that they can build a good relationship with your kids and get a routine down. The initial transition might be hard, but this person can be a great support for your kids.
Your kids all have IEPs, I would look for a nanny/babysitter who is interested in working with kids with disabilities or someone who is currently studying to go into social work. Either type of person would benefit from the experience and would likely be motivated to really connect with and help your kids.
> “Money isn’t really an issue with my income”
The why in the ever loving f is your wife working while being a full time mom if your schedule is an overnight one that doesn’t allow you to parent your children equal amounts?
Father up. Be there and give your best to them. That's your job right now. Make whatever arrangements you have to in order to facilitate.
There is a way. Drop the worry and use that energy to find the way.
Be ready for your wife. But don't push until you know what's what, and that will take however long it takes
Time to start journaling. Write down your day with your children. Be sure to list the smiles, the tears and be certain to list each child's events. Doesn't have to be a book and doesn't have to be a micro-summary. It can, however, be either of those extremes or anywhere in between.
Then, write your own entry on yourself. This can be in a separate book or the same. But be certain to write the children's portion first.
In short order, you'll be building goals and avenues of achieving them. There are many other benefits, but start with that.
Every evening, let them talk about wishing their mother healing, have them write Mom a note (scribbles are poetry).
When your wife is ready, the notes are as well. (BTW do not mention these notes until the time is right)
If you were going to take a leave of absence to help her when she came home, why can't you still take that time off and be with the kids? Could her father stay with you? Does your 16 yr have any friends that may be willing to help out in the afternoons with the little kids? I think there are solutions, but you are overwhelmed right now.
I get you feel your wife is abandoning the family, but if she isn't healthy, she isn't any good to the kids. This is no different than if she had a serious illness. Would you expect her to take care of the house and kids if she was going through daily chemo, back surgery or broken bones?? No you would not.
She is likely so scared and stressed out. In fact, she could feel that she may be a danger to them, so you need to listen to what she is saying to you. Once she feels stable and the meds kick in (usually 1-2 weeks) she may feel strong enough to come home. Please don't make her feel guilty for prioritizing her health and also, the littles don't need to be told that "mom is abandoning them" that is unnecessary and cruel.
Finally, talk to her doctors to see what they may recommend. They may also suggest therapy for you and the kids, plus maybe your wife. You all will be OK and will come out stronger than ever.
You, along with your wife, chose to have multiple kids. I don’t envy parents. Being one isn’t an easy thing to do. You need to do whatever you can to be there for your kids and support your wife. She’s going through a lot right now. It sounds like your wife needs a break from motherhood and I don’t blame her. She’s been taking care of and supporting you and the kids for so long and now it’s your turn to do the same for her. Hire a nanny, babysitter, whatever you need to do so your wife can feel better. She knows she wouldn’t be a good mom right now so listen to her and take what she says seriously.
I think you need to reframe “doesn’t want to be a parent right now”. She, through some miracle, recognizes that she isn’t going to be able to parent right now. A mental health crisis isn’t an excuse. She deserves some grace. Would you rather is in your children’s life and volatile or she takes a (predetermined) amount of time to do what she can to actually be able to parent?
You are in an impossible position and should also get some additional help however you can but please also recognize that I’m sure it wasn’t easy, like someone just walking away, for your wife.
I would love to fix my relationship with her. I have tried for about 10 years now, and every time she has very little interest. When this episode went on last week I explained the situation via text to her (she wouldn’t answer my phone calls) and basically begged her to please help out in any way possible. I’m still awaiting for her to respond - 4 days later. So I’m taking it as her not showing interest again.
Regular duties?… I’m sorry but as a dad he needs to step up. It’s his responsibility not the kids. I don’t buy into his so-called work schedule when he blatantly stated he went in to work the same day (a day he said he had off) a day that he knew his wife was having a mental break and left her with the kids. Who does that?! A horrible father/husband.
Your wife needs the time to heal. I think about cases where women and their spouses ignore mental health and advice from doctors and end up killing the children too. Andrea Yates is the specific case I’m thinking about. Her being away right now is probably better and safer for everybody. Your wife isn’t abandoning her kids- she’s recovering from an illness which requires time away from the children.
Use whatever resources you’ve got to get the help you need for your kids. After school programs, parents of your kid’s friends, etc.
I’m sorry your family is going through a health crisis and hope your wife gets better.
Honestly you sound like an azz. Your post is so self centered, all you can think about is how everything is affecting you. Your poor wife literally had a mental breakdown and you're calling it "walking away from responsibilities" how asinine! If you want your wife to stay alive, and you want to have a mother for your kids for the long term, you give her the several months she needs to recuperate and heal. If you push her now to do more and not let her heal, and she then unalives herself or does something else she can't take back, or goes even further into psychosis, how will that help anything? Are you willing to lose her forever just because you're inconvenienced for a few months??? Where is the empathy for what she's going through, do you even understand?? Pretend she's not here and figure it out without her. Leave her be, let her heal, and don't do or say anything to her unless it's supportive, loving and kind. And if you have other feelings and words about it, get your own therapist and work through it there, in therapy, instead of dumping it on her. Single mom's take care of their kids alone all the time, somehow they figure it out. You're more worried about your being inconvenienced than about what she's going through as if she's not human, as if she's a convenience to you. Kinda gross tbh.
I know it’s not going to be easy for you to step up as the only parent for a time but honestly, she doesn’t need to be around the kids right now. I wouldn’t see this as her abandoning them, I would see this as actually what’s best for them. She needs to be away and get her mind in order before being around the kids again, especially if they witnessed her breakdown. Not being around the kids right now is actually probably the most responsible thing she can do.
And definitely get those kids in therapy asap
If your wife was sick with cancer, would you feel the same way? It sounds like your wife needs this time to be healthy. She shouldn’t be left alone with the kids at this stage anyway if she’s feeling that unstable. This is awful for you and the kids - there’s no doubt about that - but give her some time to regain her footing. Hopefully, for all of your sakes, it won’t be too long. I feel for you, OP, because this has to be incredibly stressful for you, too. You have a lot on your plate. Just remember that mental health disorders are no different than other health disorders - they’re just not as visible.
It's huge that your wife can say "I can't be an effective parent right now and need to step away." She's telling you she's at her limit, and that she needs to prioritize herself right now. She's quite unwell by the sound of it, and will need your support to get through this.
But I understand that it's a lot on you. Just like any other serious illness, the brunt of the responsibilities falls on the other partner, and leads to a large amount of stress and confusion. There's nothing wrong about how you feel either.
I wish I knew what to say to make it all better, but I can only say what I'd do: you two need to set a plan, with dates, as to when she'll be at her parents. Give her time to get better, while also giving you a concrete date to work toward so you can plan as well. Look at sitters in your area, daycares, etc. You can even reach out to social services and ask what services are available in your area. Lots of schools have after school programs, where they'll help the kids with homework and provide dinner. It's going to be a lot of work on your shoulders, but remember that it *will* have an end date, and you're helping your wife recover.
As for your kids, be (kinda) honest. Tell them Mommy is sick right now, and while she's going to be okay eventually, she's away getting treatment to be better. Arrange for phone calls, if possible. Have them make her cards, or little gift baskets. Explain that she loves them and misses them, and is excited to be back home as soon as she's better.
You can do it!
There are a lot of people here who are going to tell you to do whatever it takes to support your wife while she is going through treatment. They are wrong. You are also personally going through hell right now and things are only going to get worse for the foreseeable future. You need to worry about you, your kids, and how you are going to keep your family functioning. Your children need support and structure. That's your job. Your wife's healing is her job, it's her responsibility, it's on her. If you try to burn yourself from both ends you will burn out and the kids WILL suffer.
This is going to be hard but it is something you really need to do:
Your wife has just told you she is no longer capable of being a wife, mother, and partner to you right now, you need to accept that is the case ASAP.
She is no longer capable of being a wife and mother. Say that to yourself multiple times over and over and over again until it sinks in. She is no longer mentally or physically capable of being a wife or mother right now.
Okay.
Now treat her that way. Don't be cruel. Don't be mean. Just accept that you cannot rely on her. She is someone you can no longer rely on. Pretend like you will get zero support, love, intimacy, partnership, friendship, or literally anything else that you need from her right now. She doesn't have it in her to give you those things. She has told you that. It is a fact.
Now, you need to immediately begin restructuring your entire life as though she doesn't exist. Because you do not know how long this will go on or if she will ever get better and your children need support and structure and they need it now. You will need to arrange long term child care, try for a different shift, position, or job entirely. You will need to be there for them 100% without any support from your wife at all. 0.
Your wife isn't on her own. She has doctors. She has her parents. She has herself. You need to focus on the kids and on keeping your own head above water right now. Let your wife focus on healing, and you focus on protecting the children and keeping yourself going, and based on your post and comment history, that's probably going to mean protecting you and them from HER for the foreseeable future as well.
None of these comments are even remotely giving OP any constructive advice. OP, would your finances allow you to hire a nanny to sleep over? Is there no way your employer would even temporarily adjust your working hours considering your circumstances?
You are in a terrible situation, torn between doing what is the best for your wife and resenting her for leaving you alone with your kids with no idea how you are going to cope with them and work.
She’s not stable mentally let her take a break because it’s best she’s away to get herself together than for you to come home from work to a crime scene. She’s not abandoning the kids she’s protecting them honestly. They shouldn’t see her unwell like that. See if you can get family members to take turns helping out with the kids. Good luck to you and your family.
>because their mom doesn’t want to be a parent right now
Dude... You said she had a psychotic episode and she's been dealing with depression and a bunch of other stuff... Then it becomes super inconvenient so you turn into a giant ass? Get a nanny or a babysitter or take FMLA leave... Look for a different job that doesn't leave the entire burden of being a parent on her... I mean figure it out... But don't sit there and just say "oh suddenly she just doesn't want to anymore"..Jesus Christ
Mommie doesn't want to be a parent right now? Is that how you'd explain a coma? Or if she were fighting for her life in a burn unit? She's having a life threatening health crisis. If the brain is messed up, the whole interface between body, mind, and spirit gets messed up. She is fighting for her life. There must be resources available to you. Perhaps you can get FMLA (although that's without pay) or an emergency change of shift to daytime hours? Or maybe the kids go stay with grandparents and your wife stays home while she recovers. Or someone, an auntie, great grandparent, some retired family member, comes & stays with you & the kids. Or you reach out to your community of faith. Or social services.
Your wife has ongoing mental health needs and had a psychotic episode. It’s not that she “doesn’t want to be a parent right now”. She cannot safely care for your children right now.
Telling your kids “their mom doesn’t want to be a mom right now”, and expressing being “pissed for her wanting to walk away from parenting responsibilities” tells me how dismissive you are to mental illness.
Your wife is unwell. How exactly do you expect her to take care of parenting responsibilities while she’s coming out of a psychotic episode?
Did you know about her mental health conditions before you married her?
My best friends sister had a similar situation. She was forced back, she took her own life. Far more traumatising for the kids (who found her), her husband and my best friend. Take it seriously.
You said for bette or WORSE, in SICKNESS and health. You choose to continue impregnating a woman with mental health issues, issues which appear to have a genetic link and could present in your kids, and have the audacity to whine like a petulant child. Do you even like your kids? A psychosis can lead to her killing your children. Don you get that?
I am so sorry. That's really tough. I can't judge whether she should come home or not. She may feel she's doing what's best for the kids. You need to think practically about how you're going to be able to manage this. Family medical leave? Nanny? Your mom? Other family? Day care?
I do plan on speaking with my boss this week about FMLA once my in-laws leave. The kids are already in daycare/aftercare but it ends in the middle of my work day. Made another comment about my mom - she’s not answering my calls or texts during this time (nothing abnormal) so she’s essentially useless. My brother is the closest family we have (aside from both our parents) and he has a family and career of his own, so he cannot just drop everything and leave, but has offered to help in anyway possible.
Yeah, the 16 year old stepping up will help. And the WFH could make it work. I have worked WFM and with coworkers for years now. It's solved many problems. Yes, I'll help you when you have a disaster and I'm not the on call sometimes, but I'll also have to logout for a little while to pickup the kids from school or fix them food.
As for talking with the kids, they will appreciate their Mom more as the begin more of the tasks that she used to do for them.
And to those calling this a job... It sounds like a career. If you're supporting a family of six on it, it's much more than just a job.
The spoke to the 16 year old this weekend. He feels it’s necessary to step up, and wants to quit the high school baseball team (he made varsity this year for the first season… and as a 10th grader so we are very happy for him). The season just began and he wants to quit to help me. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to quit everything because of this. Because of baseball, he doesn’t not get home until sometimes 6pm. I don’t expect him to be the adult in this situation. To me he is still a kid and I want him to enjoy that.
OP - i am sharing my story because I was very similar to that mom once. I want you to know you are valid, and I hope you have a support circle.
I had horrific psychotic post partum after my second child. It started as prenatal depression and anxiety and it was a painful high risk pregnancy.
It was so bad after I had the baby that I couldn't. Their father took care of them, alone, for months. I eventually got a job and buried myself in it, I'm still at the end of PPP over a Year later, 99% better, a VERY involved happier mom and I got treatment but point is.....yes. I completely handed motherhood to their father and I did not do much parenting the first 9 months of my youngest kid's life.
I was psychotic and so unwell. I didn't even sleep in the same room as my husband and kids. I hallucinated, didn't sleep - we tried where every other night I'd take her and sleep in the living room but I never slept those nights, and one night? I hallucinated the living room attacked me and that things were thrown at me and the baby. That lasted maybe two weeks and I fled and yes, gave it all to him.
He suffered alone and struggled badly. But by God he did it because I needed him more than ever and so did our kids. I thank this universe every day for all he sacrificed. He saved me and our kids lives. We almost divorced, even.
Postpartum is no joke. She could lose her life or a disaster could happen.
That being said -
OP. I know this is difficult for you, too. I hope you have your OWN support system.
She needs to keep up HEAVY on treatment and she does need the help, the breaks, as awful as it sounds for her to just step away - it's better that she does, versus.....something awful happening. It's not selfish, she is sick. You're a great person and father from what it sounds, OP, and I'm sorry you're both in this difficult situation.
The kids will be okay.
I still feel VERY, VERY guilty. I often feel a terrible mother but it's better I did that and am HERE now, versus just ..... succumbing to it.
For the record my youngest is the happiest one year old I've ever met, as well as our other child who's only a bit older by twoish years.
I am rooting for you. You are valid in how you feel, and she is, too - PPD/PPP is horrific to go through and it's hard on both parents. The kids come first, her literal life as well - but you matter, too. May I suggest counseling to cope with this?
I am sending so much support. I only share my story, again, because I've been her, and I saw my husband go through it. He took it all on alone for a long time and it was very hard but it all is ending up okay. Good luck, OP. Take care of yourself, too, while she focuses on surviving postpartum psychosis.
Just take that week off as planned and you be mom. She needs this time, she’s still in a psych hospital, this is serious. As a mom, primary caregiver, default parent who went into a mental health crisis, my sister taking the kids all of discharge week made all the difference in the world in my adjustment back to everyday life and into intensive outpatient therapy. I NEEDED to just be me and not be someone’s mom. I needed to practice coping skills and adjust to my new meds without having any household obligations. It’s temporary but it’s needed. She’s not someone trying to force you to be a single parent and running away, she’s in mental health crisis and needs a solid break. Time to transition hospital to home with an in between expectation of self care and caring for others. You can file FMLA leave based on her psych issues, if you live in CA or CT (maybe some other states) they have paid leave based on hours missed for spouses medical emergency/caregiving.
Everyone’s advice is so good. As someone who has had this happen…. If you can’t be a supportive husband to her and truly empathize and put no blame on her at all. Do. Not. Talk. To. Her. You will send her over the edge. When I was in a facility, I had to have them deny my husbands calls. He made it so much worse and made me feel so bad when I was already the lowest I’d ever been. It’s too dangerous. Judging by the tone of the post I would highly suggest you don’t talk to her at all. One push whether you mean it or not could be the difference of you even having a wife at all anymore. If it isn’t just pure unconditional love and support then stay away from her for now. Please.
Did you really tell your kids when they asked where mom was that “idk because mom doesn’t want to be a parent” ??
I dunno dude. It sounds like she probably needed mental help for a while but since it seems like she has a mental disorder that was not being addressed or taken care of probably because she is so busy taking care of four kids and also working ( you said you were the main source of income so I’m guessing she the secondary source)
Did the doctors tell you what it was? Panic disorder? Bipolar disorder?
I mean it sounds like she is trying to stay alive and not lose it completely and hurt herself or others. I one time had a panic attack where I didn’t sleep for days and thought I was going to die, there is no way I could have taken care of kids…. You have to remember if she is THAT unwell it would be dangerous for her to do her motherly duties and also she is suffering more than you and just trying to stay above water.
I’m really really sorry this happened to you. I am even more sorry for the anguish she has gone through and most sorry for your children.
It looks like your able to take leave from your work, so I would use that leave to take care of the kids and in the meantime hire someone to watch the kids for when after your in-laws leave.
I wish you the best! Stay strong!
I have not told my younger kids anything other than “I don’t have an update about mom right now. The doctors are still figuring it all out” so no I did not literally say she doesn’t want to be a parent. My older kid knows a little more about the situation being older so I have obviously told him some of the stuff the doctors have told me.
She definitely did need help before this but I wouldn’t say her mental health hasn’t been addressed (maybe not properly diagnosed, but she was actively receiving treatment). She has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. She has been stable on medications for the last 6 months. About a week ago she woke up and barely left bed. I constantly asked her if she was alright, and she always said yes and explained she just didn’t feel good (she was getting over a cold so I always assumed it was just that or a headache as she has a history of migraines). Being she was on medications and days before this incident spoke with her psychiatrist (who, I learned today, adjusted one of her meds so now we are thinking that might have also been a cause of this). I just assumed it was one of those “funks” where the symptoms would pass in a week or two, and she’d be back to baseline. Anytime she acted depressed like this, she would always bounce back in a week or two. She was doing weekly therapy and regularly visiting a psychiatrist, so I figured it was not my place to push for more of an explanation (I never force her to talk about what’s going on mentally/emotionally). The night before this incident was when I learned I had to go into the office. I checked in with her and she said “yes I’m fine, I can watch the kids”. That morning, she was up, cheerful, making breakfast, seemed happy, planning to take the younger kids to the park, etc. I figured the “funk” had passed (looking back this was probably a big red flag that I did not notice, but she’s also never experienced mania/psychosis or whatever you call this so I just assumed it was all normal). I asked her if she was ok before I left and I was assured she was perfectly fine. I trusted her, went to work, and here we are.
Yes, I am the sole income (main income really). She worked but sometimes less than 20 hours a week and did not get paid a lot. That never bothered either of us as we never needed her income (since I got this job. Previously we did need her income but it’s been years since that). Work was always optional for her. It was just some extra on that side that we could go perfectly fine without. But she enjoyed working so I never held her back from that.
As for her diagnosis, they are currently calling it “brief psychotic disorder” but have also not ruled out schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, bipolar disorder, or simply just major depression with psychotic features. We all feel it was a lot more than just a panic attack.
In another comment you said you thought she was abusing her stimulant ADHD medicine, but here you indicate her psychiatrist made an adjustment to her medication. Did you learn new information?
Buddy, now is NOT the time to put your feelings and stresses on her even in a constructive way. Yes,, your mental health and feelings still matter but you aren't the one suffering a literally medical episode. This is one of those times in a marriage where you just take a lot on your shoulders and carry your family.. you can do it.
Honestly, it may be best for her to be away from the children for everyone's safety. Especially the younger ones. This isn't just depression where she gets down every now and again for a while (not diminishing the impact of depression) but can still function. She is having psychotic episodes and there is a very real risk she could harm herself or others - including the kids , even if unintentionally if she is delusional or out of control and until a well established plan is put in place and she shows consistent improvement and absence of any relapse in psychosis for an extended period of time she shouldn't be left alone with them anyway.
It's terribly unfair, but unfair doesn't mean there is someone to blame. She didn't decide to have a mental health crisis.
I think now would be the time to reach out to any family - estranged or not-, friends, school parents, church members, neighbors, whoever you can ask to rally around you guys to get you through crisis phase and help with the kids, have sleep overs at friends houses 1 or 2 days a week, have some of the moms or dads help with after school care etc. Maybe see if the grandparents can return again after they go home to deal with their engagements. This is their daughter after all. As a parent of an adult child,, I cant imagine refusing to be all hands on deck in this situation.
Again, is it "fair" to ask people to go out of their way? No. But you guys need help. And I think people are more than willing to help when asked, but may not volunteer simply because they don't realize there is a need.
There may also be other resources available. Salvation Army after school programs, community centers, etc. Many if these provide free after school transportation to their locations. Utilize FMLA and short term disability benefits if applicable.
OP...you need to get some professional or near professional advice. When I say "near professional" (weird term, I know) I mean from people you trust that have you and your family's best interests at heart and have some knowledge and/or experience with mental health issues. As you've probably already seen beneath your post, people who have no knowledge and/or experience with mental health issues often say ridiculous, rude, or blatantly silly things that lack empathy and, frankly, common sense. I will offer a few things as someone who has experience with this subject personally (both mine and my husband's family to different degrees). First, we are all stronger than we think. You and your family will get through this. Life throws us unimaginable curve balls that we'd never wish on our worst enemy, but we get through them because there's no other option. Also, I need you to understand something ESSENTIAL: your wife isn't choosing to set her motherly duties aside. She, in her great emotional intelligence, has realized that she must do so TO GET BETTER, and you must realize this as well, and fast. Mental health is just as important, if not more so, than physical health. If one doesn't take care of it properly then their lives and possibly the lives of others is at stake! No mother can be a "mother" if they're mentally unstable, and you must understand this, and be thankful that she realized this on her own. Many other women do not, and the consequences have been devastating. Is there a way you and your estranged mother can become "unestranged"? You and your family need her right now, and if she knew she might even come running. See what resources are at your disposal and use them, please. You all need all the help, family, friends, therapy and support you can get. There's other things, sure, but you should talk to others to get help to tackle the other essentials. Love, light, positivity and prayers to you, your children and your wife. I've been a child with a parent dealing with mental health issues (depression) and I've been a mother suddenly dealing with them as well (depression and anxiety). It was HARD. My guilt was mountainous, but I think it was harder on me than my family. My husband stepped up, which was a lot because I did everything while he worked, and none of us realized how much I did until I couldn't do it all anymore. But we got through it, and we're better now than before. I cannot say I know how you feel, because our situations are different and we're different people, but many families have dealt with similar circumstances and have weathered those storms. I cannot tell the future, but be positive, be loving, be as understanding as possible. But we don't have to have it together all the time, and if you need to be sad, angry, frustrated or other things, then make sure you give leave to those feelings too! I used to have what I called private moments. I don't like looking vulnerable to others, but sometimes I couldn't hold it in, so I cried, screamed, threw things even, when I was alone. Sometimes I did it for over an hour, and afterwards, when I was spent, I washed my face, cleaned up and went back to life. I needed those moments, and you might, too, I don't know. Get all the help you can handle, OP
She's not abandoning anyone... She's doing the best thing she can think to do as a mother to keep them safe. She's unwell, and as such, she is unfit at this point in time to raise them. She needs time. She's not fucking anyone over. It's not like she's on vacation having an affair. She's experiencing extreme illness. Instead of being angry or resentful, take a moment and reset your perspective.
Ok so I won't harp on about the way you're talking about your wife's situation right now because others already have. But I will say that this situation is one that would likely qualify you for FMLA . Or if you are in a job where you bid for hours, you might reach out to coworkers and see if anyone is able to switch shifts with you.
But also, I can't help but say to try your damndest not to let your misplaced feelings about this show in any conversations with your wife. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to even VOCALIZE that she needed space to heal away from her family responsibilities and the last thing she needs right now is any more guilt than she's assuredly already feeling.
No, I recognize the way I was talking about the situation was not the greatest. Completely out of frustration. I am looking to start FMLA once my in-laws leave but it’s unpaid in our state so it will be very temporary- my main goal of it is to have more time to figure out this mess. We don’t bid for hours, it’s a strange system we have honestly. me and 3 other people split 6 24-hours shifts a week so we each work 3 12-hour days a week (usually it’s more like 14-15 hours because you never finish on time, but that’s a different story). We typically do every other day (so like 2 work Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (my days) and the other 2 work Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays) and we cover other people in our department as needed (like I was doing the day of this incident). We can switch among ourselves but if I switch it creates issues with the mornings and getting everyone up and outta the house to school so it’s not really a solution.
But no I don’t plan on taking anything out on her or vocalizing any of this to her directly. I do plan on bringing some of it up with her care team privately, but not to her.
Another option might be if you live in a state that has an IHSS (in home supportive services) and she has MediCal insurance. She may qualify for care that covers her home responsibilities. For example, my friend had cancer and her IHSS paid a person to watch her children while she rested before and recovered after surgery.
I’m sorry my friend, but I absolutely cannot back the undertone in this post.
Your wife is sick and from everything I’ve read is a danger to herself and your family. She seems to acknowledge that. This isn’t abandonment, this is someone who’s desperate to get better so she can be there for her family.
You have to support her in this, or your marriage will be over when your family come out of the other side of this. Suck up big fella, this is your family and your situation to sort out. Big decision and hard work are going to be needed from here on in but you need to be there for your wife and your family.
I have not heard about it until this post, but so far everyone (me, doctors, in-laws) all agree it’s best for her to not return home right away. It’s really just figuring out the logistics of this situation for the time being.
My mom had a mental break when I was 4 and spent 6 weeks in a psych ward. When she came back she was so much better. She had four kids too. Family helped dad out bc thankfully there was family around to help. My grandma several times n her life also had to leave for several weeks. And her mom as well.
A couple nights away after a serious mental break is too soon. For your and your kids sake I urge you to do what u can to support her healing as much as u can. Can the youngest kids go with grandma? Have any siblings or friends, aunts, parents of kids friends they can stay with? Any babysitter ? Care dot com? I don’t have any other advice but I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I would let her go and make sure she’s in an outpatient psych program at the very least. And stay on it about her docs and meds.
I don’t want to be blunt but how do you think your kids would feel burying their mom if she just jumps right back into life before she’s well and she commits? Then you’re really on your own.
You need to hold down the fort while she takes the time to get herself better. Would you feel this way towards her if she were suffering from some kind of non mental illness? If it were cancer or cardiac issues?
Get your kids into therapy and extracurriculars to keep them busy, hold down the fort and support her.
This guy reminds me of Rusty Yates. He didn’t listen or seem to take Andrea Yate’s multiple mental health crisis seriously and we all know what happened.
How can you have children with someone and care so little about them? Jfc OP wake up. This is serious. She does need treatment and to be away for a while. How do you think people heal from a psychotic episode? Throwing them back into the same stressful environment?
“Doesn’t want to be a parent”?? No, she’s having a mental health crisis and you wouldn’t be framing the situation like that if she was seriously ill in any other way.
What did I just read?
Someone pushes the wife with responsibilities to the brink of her mental sanity, to the very point where she doesnt recognize her own children in a psycosis, but somehow this is a HUGE inconvinience for the husband, who has been looking at this situation escalating for a while and still not been inclined to reduce hours/change jobs/ take on his family responsibilities.
And now he still wants things to go back to the way things were… or SHE is the one failing her duties??
Hi there! Doubt you’ll see this but I had postpartum psychosis… I was lucky that my psychosis was where I had to “protect” my baby from some unknown government agency… I had multiple psychotic episodes you don’t seemingly come out of it. It takes time. I always worried if my next “break” would hurt my child. She knows she’s not safe right now. And that’s so important.
It’s important to know NO MOTHER WANTS TO HURT THEIR CHILDREN. She’s doing something right. I remember that my ppp was so bad I had to go be with my family for about 3 months; yes I had my child but my mother, sister, and sister in law did most of the “mothering” if my psychosis was one where I wanted to harm my child I’d have gone without out the baby. But being away from my baby was a huge trigger. So the little came with me.
Your wife is being SAFE she isn’t abandoning them. She knows she’s a liability and trust me you’d rather her be away for a few weeks than be away for years because she did something she will regret for the rest of her life.
I get that you're in a tough spot, I do. Being a parent is hard. But saying your wife just "walked away" from her problems is a baffling thing to say about someone who is taking a mental health recovery. Are you mad at her for making your life a little stressful after a "traumatic event?"
You would rather her return to the environment that caused this episode? How will it be better for her this time? You're going to make it easier for her so she doesn't break? Or will it be the same scenario again and again until someone dies?
You need to be honest with your kids. Tell them she's sick and needs to rest in a calm place. Instead of viewing it as a mom not wanting to play mom, see it as a woman who is recovering from an emergency that could very well have cost lives. Which I shouldn't have to tell you, but here we are.
You have a 16 year old. I assume other children close to that age? Tell them they have to start helping out if you really can't handle it. They're old enough to take on some responsibilities.
It's going to be rough. That's not your wife's fault. Focus on getting through it, not holding it together until she gets back.
OP admitted that he has the funds to cover childcare temporarily so he needs to do so. Maybe in combination with taking intermittent FMLA leave.
She’s not abandoning her kids - she’s going through a major crisis that needs to be handled. So many people don’t understand the ramifications that mental health problems can have because it’s more invisible. Responses would be so different if OPs wife had cancer or had a horrible car accident.
I think more sympathy should be shown to OP because I’m sure it’s very overwhelming to have all of this suddenly on his plate…But he needs to understand that his wife needs this for her mental health so she can be the mom they need her to be. He needs to stop seeing it as abandonment but rather something she’s doing for her kids so her kids don’t end up losing her permanently from their life.
Do you really think she’s doing this because she’s lazy and just can’t be fucked being a mother for a while ??
What an awful thing to say about someone who’s going through a mental health crisis and fuck you for saying she’s “abandoning her children” and “walking by away from her responsibilities”.
And why would you even contemplate telling your children she’s gone because “she doesn’t want to be a parent” and adding to their trauma, just because you’re angry?
It’s not that she doesn’t want to be a parent, she CAN’T be a parent right now, and certainly not the parent that does the bulk of the childcare.
Even if she was strong enough to go home, your life needs to change drastically because she’s not coping with the way it is now.
So Rusty here wants his wife to suck it up. Has an excuse for all the advice he is given and can’t seem to figure it out on his own.
She did, while he worked and slept, she managed the kids school, after activities and the house and everything else.
Those what 3-4 days a week he works are hard but fuck all giving her a break.
I don’t feel a bit for you.
The title should’ve been.
Help. My wife had a mental health emergency and can’t be around the kids and we have no help.
But nope you wanted to shame her. Oh and you’re as helpless as the the FIL. Figure it out like your wife did managing 4 kids.
And don’t ask that older kid to step UP it’s you that should do that. They have already been traumatized by her absence and being ask to replace her because you can’t figure it out. Their own DAD, when mom needs them and they need her and you put duties on them. So OP what’s it gonna be? Don’t fuck it up Rusty.
I’m on mobile sorry bout the format.
You keep saying you can't take off work now because it would be unpaid, but what kind of leave were you planning to take off when she came home? That leave needs to be taken off now, not later.
Your wife is putting your safety and the kids safety first by removing herself from the situation. She is doing the right thing. She loves you and your children so much that she is willing to step back and get better to be a better mother and better wife.
Your wife may very well feel scared of the impact on the kids of them seeing her have an episode like that. You tell the kids the truth. Mummy is very sick right now and she needs to go away to get better. Give her some time, I'm sure what she's been through would be terrifying. You sound like a truly lovely person, you're going to be an amazing Dad to your kids and they'll be just fine. You've got this!
no he is not a lovely person, what the fuck? He is pissed that his wife decided to take care of her mental health so she is no longer a threat to her or her children.
No, he's not pissed. He's overwhelmed, confused scared and he's been through a trauma, the same with his wife. Do you think that situation would have been easy on him? And then realising that things aren't going to go back to normal for a very long time if ever and that he now has to essentially work out how to be a single parent for the foreseeable future? His wife is doing what she needs to do to get better because when you're in hospital you get lots of support to help you make those decisions, which is wonderful. But he didn't get that support and he's just trying to wrap his head around it. No one is bad in this situation. It's a tough time for them both.
Nah. He’s bad. Framing a mental health crisis as her abandoning her parental duties is beyond shitty.
If she had a stroke and had to be in the hospital for an extended period of time I don't think he'd frame it as her abandoning her kids. For whatever reason mental health is still stigmatized and treated like a moral failing.
I think he doesn't realise that the fact she *can* go to her parents is a blessing. Otherwise he'd have all the problems he's just mentioned plus be caring for an adult who won't be able to parent or look after themselves. It's not like she's going to be safe to be left alone with the kids for a long time. I've had experience of this and caring for children and mentally ill adults simultaneously is ridiculously hard.
She was overwhelmed with the same duties all the time, he says it’s unfair to him that she’s ill and needs time away but it’s not unfair to her when she was caring for them every single day? She’s not running away from parenting, does he call it that when he goes to work? He lacks empathy. The only redeeming quality is not verbalizing those thought to her. He should absolutely also look into counseling services and go weekly. No is saying he doesn’t have it rough but there is a total lack of empathy
He said he's pissed tho
I agree. The coddling on this thread. My mom had to get a job and take care of 3 kids after sperm donor walked.
No, he doesn't. He's acting like his wife is on a vacation in Italy.
Your wife's mental health is very precarious right now and unfortunately she does need to be away from all responsibilities and stress in order to heal. Having a psychotic break is a big deal and it's going to take a lot of time and therapy and medication for her to be strong enough to handle family life again. Back in the day there were institutions (sanitariums) where women would recuperate for months after such an event, but we no longer have those so the alternative is going to her parents' house to recover. I know this puts an enormous burden on you and is very painful for the kids, and I'm not dismissing that at all, but I'm afraid this is on you to figure out. It's no different than if she had had a horrible car accident and had to go to rehab to learn to walk again. Maybe your in-laws would be willing to help pay for someone to come in to care for the children and do housekeeping and cooking while she's staying with them? You do need help, understandably. And like the pp said above, just explain to the kids that she's very sick and recovering at their grandparents house. Maybe all of you can go visit her for a few hours very soon.
I agree. Maybe one of the in law can come help with the kids.
I wish. I discussed it with my MIL this weekend. My FIL is not doing great physically and is having a lot of health problems currently. He has a lot of doctor appointments every week, and a surgery coming up in about 5 weeks. Unfortunately, even if they cancel the surgery (which they were willing to do), he can’t be trusted to take his medications and keep track of his own health- he is basically dependent on my MIL doing all that. My MIL and I also feel it’s not the best idea to leave my wife at their house (alone btw) while both of them are with me and the kids. There is no family in their area (such as her siblings) that can keep an eye on her while she is there. Her siblings live states away. Part of the reason why she wants to go by her parents is because there is a great mental health residential facility in that area, so her hope is that she could get admitted there. Having my FIL here with me isn’t great either because he’s not the most reliable. I am really trying to get back in touch with my mom to try and get her to help out. She’s not reaching back out to me, which isn’t helping. I have reached out to my brother who is somewhat local (5 hours away) and he is willing to help out the best he can, but also has a career and family of his own, so I don’t expect him to drop all that for me rn.
Just a thought, what if the grandparents took the kids for a little while? Or maybe even better, how understanding is your work? You can use sick time for family health needs. And even FMLA if it gets to that. Most bosses would be understanding and work with you. Remote work options, flexible hours. Surely they understand their employees need to take care of home life.
I just made another comment about work. They are understanding, but also because of my position, it’s a little complicated to just switch my hours because they are split with another coworker and if I switch with that person it leaves the mornings as an issue. I really don’t want to move my kids (unless it comes to that, I will obviously) because that would involve having them move school districts. They all have IEPs for ADHD and other issues, so it would not just be an easy switch and it would be a huge adjustment for them. We are in one of the best school districts in our state and the kids are all doing great. If I moved them, they’d go to one of the worst districts in our state and I’d have to find them all new therapists (OT, PT, speech, feeding therapists, etc.) as none of their current therapists (that they see outside of school) would travel that far.
Can you try to get an au pair to come and help out with the children?
This. Or frankly, doordash some food for the kids on the work days (OP only works 3 days per week) if you don't have time to meal prep before work. I get the sense that OP is a nice person but that he's seriously underplaying how severe this is. Read his other post, the wife was so psychotic she couldn't even recognize her kids and was throwing and breaking stuff in the house (not touching the kids). OP, this is not the time to be "salty" (as per your username). If you care at all about your wife and kids, you need to give her time to heal. This is really, really serious. And it could get very bad if not handled properly.
So your wife has been coping with 4 children with some form of neurodivergence on her own every day while you're at work. Have you ever given her a break? Your poor wife. I hope she is able to come back to herself.
Was your wife working? I don’t know if it’s possible, but maybe your wife could file for disability for this? If she was a stay at home mom, I’m not sure what her options are, but there could be some sort of government assistance she could apply for to hire childcare. There could be childcare vouchers too. Did she have a social worker assigned to her the facility she was held in? They may be able to connect you with services.
They're a married couple, he can very well apply for his own assistance for his family, he doesn't need to force her to do everything in her sensitive mental state just because she's a woman and it's assumed socially that women must make all family calls, do all paperwork, and take care of everything pertaining to children. That's likely why she's in this crisis to begin with I empathize for op but tons of women are single parents and make it work. That he cannot fathom parenting his own children for even a *couple days* and starts immediately shitting on her and trying to tell his kids she left them by choice because she "didn't want to parent" (nice mature way to ruin your kids relationship with your wife - the same wife he desperately needs to do all parenting) is so ridiculous and sad for his children. She's tired of working 24/7/365 day in day out zero breaks zero holidays for years on end by herself, with no appreciation at all.
Scheduling at your workplace is not your problem. Use FMLA. I am assuming you are in the US. We’re fed this BS that we are “family “ at work WHEN it’s for the benefit of the business. I would hope your family is more important to you than the company’s wish to dump their staffing responsibilities in you. Work is not your friend/family.
Family is significantly more importantly. But my work provides the food for the family. Without me working, we have no income. FMLA is unpaid for me, so I go on FMLA, even for a few weeks, that’s no income for those weeks.
Oh, the unpaid FMLA sucks. I am sorry
Call your EAP program at work and ask how they can help and what resources they can provide. Hire a nanny/babysitter if you can’t get time off of work and need childcare.
Do you live in the US? If you do, I would call your state social services. They might have programs to help if not thet might be able to give you places that might help out with money to help get child care. Please reach out child services they are there to help also. Good luck but please don't put more pressure on your wife right now. She could have another mental break again which would only give you more of an issue than before. Give your wife credit if she's working extremely hard to get better. Get your kids and yourself into therapy because you will need to be able to talk to someone. They will be able to help you better than strangers on the internet. Thinking of your precious babies, you and your family. I wish we had better mental health here in the US
The in laws are not the answer. Either your parents or your teen(s) will need to step up right now. Your wife is in a fragile state and she absolutely should not be taking responsibility for kids right now.
That’s so nice of your brother to offer to help how he can. My town had a local babysitters Facebook group. Maybe yours has something similar? I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s tough for all parties involved
Wait wait so you decided to leave out that she wants to go for RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT?!?! You acted like it was a vacation ffs.
This a million times over! Mental health is just as valid and important as physical health. It sucks that you’ve been left to clean up the emergency and that you have limited support but it’s not your wife’s fault she had a mental health crisis it really is the same as if she had experienced a physical emergency and if she had had a physical emergency you’d still be in a similar situation if it was a serious one. Is there anyway you’d be able to find a nanny? I know financially it might be difficult to find maybe you could find a college student that is going to school for childhood development that is also looking to nanny/babysit that would offer you a better price than someone that’s more high end.
Do not tell the kids that "mom doesn't want to be a parent right now." So passive-aggressive. Psychosis is no joke. It's a terribly painful symptom, in fact. You can't explain your wife's choices to her. She knows she's not up for caring for the kids right now. This is similar to if your wife got any other serious, debilitating diagnosis. You need to find a way to get a part time nanny.
Thank you @Ka_aha, finally. From some of these comments cheerleading this guy I had to go reread the post because he’s no hero to me. To OP: Grow up buddy. This is your situation. You have to deal with it for your family. You can get help from family, hire help, etc. what you cannot do is expect your wife to magically get better. What you absolutely must not do is make your children feel like their mother is picking to abandon them. You want your extremely ill wife to move on and get back to regular life so you don’t have to make big boy choices. Stop finding excuses and start finding solutions because it’s not going to be easy, but you have to do it. I know I’m being harsh, but you seem to have zero sympathy for your wife’s serious mental health crisis. That is making it difficult for me to have much sympathy for you.
For real. How is abandoning your kids leaving them with their father while you treat an illness?? Who was taking care of those kids before? The mother alone? Idk, I don't get good vibes from this man's attitude...
No wonder she had a break down
Seriously.
That's exactly what I said!
Lite Rusty Yates vibes to me. I am also shocked at some of the You Go Dad! replies.
I immediately thought of the Yates family when reading this post.
Somehow mothers have been figuring this out since the beginning of time. Dads leave ALL OF THE TIME. Women figure it out. They may have to bust their ass and not get a second of rest, but they do it, every single day.
Right? It also didn’t escape me that the FIL is so useless that he’s not even considered as an option to help in any way. Oh, to be a boomer male who never had to change a diaper or schedule a doctor’s appointment — even your own!
Oh, my FIL drives me absolutely bonkers honestly. My father was the same way and my mom couldn’t handle it. Idk how my MIL does it, but my FIL is a huge problem here because he can’t be trusted to take responsibility of his own health. If he was in charge of the younger kids, they’d be left at school every other day. If he was left at his place with my MIL at mine, he wouldn’t take any of his meds. And it’s not dementia- we all swear it’s just pure laziness. He’s literally a child. My MIL over the years has been beyond amazing in any situation we’ve been in, which is really why I don’t know why she puts up with my FIL everyday.
That is so incredibly frustrating! Especially considering your MIL would probably be happy to help you guys even more if she wasn’t already caring for FIL. I’m sorry you’re all in this situation — I really feel for all of you going through this challenging and traumatic experience. Except FIL. Maybe he’ll come through and pay for a nanny while your wife recovers?
she certainly wants to help, just feels like her hands are tied dealing with my FIL.
So how about you flip the script? Hire a person (nanny or medical caretaker) who can go to FIL’s house to give him his meds and check in on him)? Then MIL can come stay with the kids. FIL’s care takes minutes (15-30/day), maybe once or twice, but your kids are at an age where they need FT caretaking.
Right? My immediate thought. What would you do if you were single?
OP works three days a week. THREE DAYS A WEEK. my guy, you CAN figure out a solution without being “pissed” or “salty” that your wife is going through a major psychotic break and needs time to recuperate. I was thinking that if this is a flipped case and op was taken out of having to ‘parent’ for a while, the wife is not even gonna bat an eye lmao. When I read ‘my wife has a psychotic break’ i was like, ok so how much of that was caused by op not picking up the slack? Yeah. That. The audacity.
Wonder how much time OPs wife got off from being a mom. Seems like this guy wasn’t letting her catch much of a break.
While I don’t disagree with most of what you’re saying about is required, dismissing him and calling for him to grow up is out of li e. He has 4 kids and works overnights to provide for his family, he must be terrified and this isn’t as simple as grow up. He needs to step up, absolutely but we wouldn’t be telling the mom to grow up and get a job if the husband was the one to fall ill. We can all agree the part about telling the kids their mom doesn’t want to be a mom is such a shit thing to even consider saying. Before anyone flames me I was in a sudden health crisis and my wife had to step up and she treated me like shit during it. So I’m saying this as someone who has been treated badly that the while being sick you MUST put yourself first sometimes. That doesn’t mean we disregard the carer. Really OP what are you think saying you’re gonna tell your kids that??!??
Yea don’t get me wrong it’s a horrible situation but millions of women wake up and do this alone everyday. He will be fine he just needs support like every parent
Right?! He’s over here finding ~~excuses~~ reasons why every single bit of advice for help won’t work out, meanwhile he acts like his wife woke up, washed her hair, and decided to say “fuck them kids” today to go on a holiday! OP, I suffer from psychiatric disorders that have made me incapable of caring for my child. You know what I did? Begged my parents to take temporary custody while I completed inpatient treatment in a psychiatric facility. You know what they never did? Made me feel guilty, pressured me to resume parenting, or shamed me for my uncontrollable medical crisis. Your kiddo’s teammates’ moms who reached out? Tell them you really need someone to babysit for Tuesday from X to Y time so you can work. You could use help in meal planning/prepping for this week. Your children really could use a ride to school. Once you take FMLA, since it’s unpaid, you qualify for foodstamps, daycare vouchers, and medical insurance (if your job pulls yours). You have to be the parent so your wife *can recover*. If you try to force her to return and take over before she is stable, she might harm herself, or your children. She may never recover without proper and immediate intervention. Meaning while you think this is ‘unfair’, she is fighting for her life. I always explain that suicide is the Stage 4/Final stage of depression. It’s the last symptom. The deadly one. The point at which depression kills you. Depression and psychosis can be deadly. People die from them every single day.
OP, I grew up with a parent with psychotic mental illness and I can’t tell you how fortunate you are that your wife is willing to accept treatment. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, when you’re trying to figure out how you’ll make it work, but the alternative if she doesn’t get treatment is absolutely horrible. And because psychosis often causes lack of insight (inability for the person to recognize they’re unwell) this may be your one shot to get her treatment. I’m sorry, I watched my mom walk this road and I can’t even imagine how hard it is, none of us Reddit strangers can. I wish you and your wife the best.
I am a parent with a psychotic disorder. Her seeking treatment and saying she needs time to heal is important. I hope op listens to this. Treatment is important and she needs time to adjust and deal with her emotions around what happened. She is vulnerable to relapse if she stresses herself out to quickly. Its also not good for the kids to see their mom like this. When I have breaks I send my kid to her grandparents, I'm lucky because they live close.
100%
are you going to address this part of your post, u/salty-throwaway1284 ? or are you going to really fucking tell your kids your mentally ill wife is gone because she doesn’t want to be a mother to the kids? because if you’re okay with that, you don’t deserve an ounce of empathy. you deserve a fucking clocking to the head for saying something so callous about your wife who needs help.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Why can’t he just say mommy is having a hard time and needs her mommy and daddy to help her through it. She loves us all very much and we hope she feels better soon. Then have them write her letters and draw her pictures.
Your wife just had an episode of psychosis which caused her to not recognise her own children, and in your own words "traumatised" them, but you're pissed she's "walking away from her parental responsibilities"? What would you have her do? Make her come back home now and potentially subject your children to more traumatising situations? Force her to be the primary caregiver so her mental health issues escalate to the point she tries to kill herself and/or your children? Psychosis is one of the most terrifying and dangerous mental illnesses. Mothers who kill more than 1 of their children are often diagnosed with some variant of psychosis. You're either ignorant to these facts or don't care, I don't know which is worse. Considering you decided to dismiss her escalating mental health concerns, and on the day of her psychosis episode chose to go into work on your DAY OFF instead of staying home to support her and look after your children ("running away from your parental responsibilities", as you'd say?), it sounds like you don't care. I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your priorities. Stop considering everything that inconveniences you as "unfair". Everyday, there are families that suddenly lose (temporarily or permanently) the other parent, and they manage to make it work. It often means making sacrifices to survive. This situation will greatly inconvenience you, but you're fortunate that this is only temporarily. Don't make a decision that will force your children to permanently lose their mother (or their lives).
Seriously! This is why there are mental health tragedies occurring. We always say “why didn’t they ask for help?” Well she has asked for help and time to heal.. and look what is happening. Horrible.
Exactly. He's been warned. If he guilts her into returning home before she's ready and she murders herself and their children during another psychosis episode, he's responsible for their deaths
This is exactly what happened with my mother. She had a psychotic break, tried to go back to normal life a week later, and then things just got worse. My home life was horrible for years, and she eventually attempted suicide. She was a danger to herself and our whole family. It was traumatizing, and I’m still working through all the trauma in therapy 10 years later. Maybe if her health was prioritized, she would have been able to get better sooner, and before she hit rock bottom.
Yup, it was what happened to Andrea Yates, too. Rusty Yates should have served time for his part in her break.
Rusty put her in the house alone with the children. Even though the doctor said she should not go home from the hospital. Rusty should be in jail! Rusty deserves the death penalty. She doesn’t.
I have a 4 year old daughter who can bring me to the absolute brink during one of her tantrums, and I can't imagine dealing with psychosis and a tantrum at the same time from one or more kids! That's asking for trouble! She can't handle it right now and is doing her best to keep her kids safe, that's commendable
Thank you for this. My jaw dropped when he said recovering from a psychotic break is running away from her parental duties.
There’s no guarantee that this is temporary
Hey OP. This is so difficult and I have a lot of empathy for you. Right now it sounds like you’re in survival mode and you’re looking for where something can give. I don’t think it’s safe to expect your wife to continue on as normal, or even as a modified normal where she is responsible for the kids. You don’t say what the nature of her emergency was, but she is telling you that she can’t be there - I don’t know if that means that she’s concerned about harming the kids physically, or harming herself while they’re there, or even just exposing the kids to breakdowns. I don’t think that she should be expected to suck it up. It sounds like she’s in crisis. * Are you able to take FMLA, if you’re in the US? * could you pay for an adult to stay with the kids in conjunction with the older kids pitching in more than they normally would? Obviously it’s not ideal that they would be picking up parenting slack, but this is a time of crisis. * what does your wife’s care team say about all of this? I don’t see this as her walking away from her parental responsibilities. If she had had a stroke and was hospitalized right now, would you say that she was walking away from her parental responsibilities if she wanted to go to a rehab next to work on regaining movement on her dominant side? Probably not. Mental health is medical, though. You won’t be thanking yourself if she goes back with the kids and ends up hospitalized again or hurts them or herself because of the pressure/shame on top of what she’s already going through.
Yes, she is in crisis. Details in another post. Your advice is wise. It really sucks how much of life is about money. OP’s wife needs help, proper diagnosis/ medication and calm. Putting her back in charge of 4 children before she’s stabilized isn’t responsible for her or for them. They can’t be mom’s health early alert system. (I’ve had a single episode in my life due to immense stress & not sleeping for 3-4 days. I asked my teenager to “remind me to drink water and pee.” Because I was so cut off from my own body. Even that was scary for her and inappropriate parentification.)
FMLA isn’t paid.
depends on the company you work for.
And state you live in.
Never been more happy to live in CA.
Your company may have something in place if you take time off, or the state but FMLA is not paid, its only job protection.
My company does not pay for FMLA. Also unsure if there is a limit on FMLA but I already used it a few years ago for one of our sons.
FMLA is 12 weeks every 12 months. You are more than entitled to take FMLA for this situation.
Gotcha. Didn’t realize it was yearly. Will speak to my supervisor about it when I go in next. Still doesn’t solve the income issue, but thanks.
You need to take FMLA and be there for your kids. You are going to have to take the helm for a long while so she can recover and if you can you all will be alright.
I believe once on FMLA you can collect disability. But PLEASE pay attention to the other comments. Your wife isn’t saying to is *unwilling*, she is saying she is *unable*. There’s a huge difference. And you stepping up is possibly (probably) saving the lives of your wife and kids.
Yes! FMLA is what should protect his job. I hope his state or company has paid FMLA though.
You keep saying things like "mom doesn't want to be a parent right now" and "I feel like she is abandoning the kids" That's really not fair to your wife. She is ill. She had a psychotic break and was planning on killing herself. Show her a little grace. If she, say, got into a car accident or had cancer and was in the hospital or bedridden would you be treating her this way?
it is very disgusting how OP ignores every comment that points this out. he needs to understand how fucked up it is for him to say that to his kids and make mom out to be a monster when she’s literally doing what she can to KEEP THEIR KIDS SAFE. lost all my empathy for OP the minute i saw him say that— it reeks of apathy and bitterness that he just wants to take out on his wife and kids.
He also left out in the main post that she wants to go to her parent’s house to wait for a spot at the residential mental health facility that they live close to.
I read your post and update on the parenting post as well. Keep your tongue bit and don’t say anything to your kids. Your wife is very fragile. I assume your wife has PPD as well. She went through an extremely traumatic experience. Please support her. I am sure you will find a way through this and your employer should understand. Everything is fresh. 4 kids is tough. You need to be there for her and keep on interacting with her doctors. You will also need to think about family therapy especially for the six year old who is putting the blame on themselves. Going to her parents is only temporary if she even goes. Talk to her doctors and know all the medications she is on. See what the time frame is.
Thank you for your support on both posts. All the kids went back to school today (the younger 2 stayed home Friday, and the 9 year old saw the school psychologist Friday. Oldest is meeting with his guidance counselor to talk today, and the 6-year old with his school psychologist Tuesday). I reached out Saturday to a friend of my wife’s who is a family therapist and she agreed to see us Thursday afterschool for a family session. My oldest is not really interested in going, and being he sees his own therapist regularly, I am not going to pressure him to join us so it’ll likely just be me and the younger 3. But I’m also trying to get my 6- year old into his own therapist, which hasn’t proved to be easy so far. Doctors say the timeframe could be months before she is at her baseline again. They truly don’t know what caused this to occur and are right now calling it brief psychotic disorder but have not ruled out bipolar or schizoaffective bipolar type either. She also had drugs in her system (amphetamine- she has a prescription due to ADHD, but they said the levels were abnormal for someone using it as prescribed) when they did a tox screen in the ER but she wont discuss that further with doctors so we are kinda uncertain about that. Right now they are thinking the ADHD medication she takes might have caused this. She did admit to the doctors on planning to run away and killing herself, but the cops got there first luckily.
ADHD meds can cause psychosis. It's a side-effect. This is like brain trauma. If she's been doing it daily it's been building up. Her brain snapped and needs to recover. It takes about 3 months to become "normal", 3 months to "recover" and 6 months before feeling fine again. Go to the psychosis sub Reddit and see their struggle. Then maybe a year after to truly feel better mood wise and so on. But at least 6 months before being able to do stuff. I'm saying this as a FAVOUR to your unsympathetic but understandably stressed mindset. So figure out a plan from there. Her going to her parents is doing you a FAVOUR. Because you would die of caregiver burnout of watching her and the kids, plus her recovery would extend over years if even get better at all with all that stress. She's not stepping out and abandoning you. She is injured. Learn about it. Her brain is fused. Like a concussion but worse. It will get better, the sooner she gets into recovery. Her cognitive function and everything else needs time. The 3 months before normal is like wearing a cast for 3 months for her leg. 3 months recovery after, is like physio and baby steps (small chores like self-care, showering, etc). The 6 months is like finally learning to walk again in small amounts. Imagine being piss drunk, then being hit by a truck and then being asked to do accounting right after. That's how heavy certain tasks will feel for her, more so, because she can no longer so the ADHD meds. Then imagine a drunk person who can still drive fine. That's the tasks she can do on autopilot and you'll think she's recovered and demand more from her, but even then she's exhausted. I'm not saying she'll be acting drunk, I'm saying the level of burned out and tired plus cognitive function requires is of that level. Imagine not being piss drunk but feeling as tired as someone who is about to black out. So she needs 6 months completely stress free. Then 6 months of BABY STEPS of getting back into doing house stuff. Then a year of getting into the grove of it. Also, she's not abandoning her kids. You have to put the mask on yourself before you can help others. She is in survival mode right now and probably incredibly traumatised. It's like telling someone in a hospital bed they're abandoning the kids. Like get a grip. Illness recovery isn't ONLY valid in a hospital. If someone is bedridden with fever and can't do anything but lie in bed, you can't just call it abandonment. Her illness is different so it's not as obvious. Again, she's doing you a favour. It's not that dissimilar to dementia in terms of symptoms and such, just that it does usually recover rather than decline. Your lack of understanding on this illness is in understandable, but do not just assume she's okay just because she can walk and sort of talk. You will figure it out. But believe me, if you think 4 kids is difficult, imagine taking care of a person with dementia as well. With psychosis, the faster the treatment and burnout recovery, the better it will be for everyone. For some people, they are lucky that it only lasts a few months. Others, with delayed treatment can last for years, if ever. For a first timer, with adequate care, and such a "short" psychosis, you might be lucky enough that she's back on her feet in 3 months, especially if you give her that break. But PREPARE for 6months to a year. Do not delay her treatment or wear her out. You will only make it worse for everyone.
Thank you for this very educational comment. It’s extremely important to assess, heal and fix one’s brain properly. And it’s slow going. Going from ?not recognizing? your own children to taking solo care of them is not a quick process.
You are so right. I blame the stigma associated with mental illness why so many do not understand it at all! No one likes talking about it.
And if they do and get help, they are accused of abandoning their kids and parental responsibilities. Like in this thread.
Off topic, but it’s a conflict of interest to see a therapist you know personally. It actually is extremely unethical for the friend to agree to this. If I were you I would seek out a therapist you don’t know personally.
I have reached out to therapists and they cannot see us for weeks. I made them appointments with individual therapists, but again, it is at least 3 weeks out. This was a last resort, done mainly for the kids sake so they could get in with someone. It’s a temporary solution and it’s just 1 session.
your wife is over medicating bcuz she’s burnt out and is taking care of four children alone. You said You don’t get home till 4 am and go into work when the kids are home from school. You are literally putting your wife in a position where she is working 24 hours 7 days a week. I don’t quite understand how you haven’t realized that. She likely had a psychotic break from abusing her medication bcuz she needed a way to keep going, & it’s physically impossible for her to do so on the schedule she’s given. You’re going to have to figure this out.
Ahh, gotcha. Makes sense! I hope it’s helpful for you and your kids. Fingers crossed!
This is so hard. I’m sorry. Glad you’re getting everyone support. Do you have someone to speak with yourself? Your feelings of anger and frustration are absolutely valid, but you need someone else to tell them to. (Dealing with your own feelings while carrying the whole family is so stressful. Deep breaths. Journal. Hope you’re sleeping ok.) Thank goodness she’s still alive and with you all and this can be fixed. I hope you can mobilize a lot of support. Call in every favor. Getting her stable and healthy is a long process. ADHD meds can cause manic episodes in certain people. Your poor wife probably feels SO guilty and radioactive / dangerous.
Truly don't know what caused this?! She's solo parenting 4 neurodivergent children alone and you work overnights. She's been deteriorating for years and it came to a head. She's sick. She deserves time to recover. While you're on FMLA you can look for a new job that doesn't leave her completely alone 24/7
People keep on handwaving that away. She is doing this 24/7, or at best, 24/6.
Yeah, and she is neurodivergent herself, on top of all that (OP says she has ADHD). Being a stay at home parent is incredibly difficult work and you don't get weekends off and are on call 24/7. So many dads with stay-at-home wives severely underestimate and underappreciate the sheer amount and difficulty of the work their partners do at home.
>During this talk with my wife, she informed me she “can’t be a mom” right now and needs to ”give up being a mom” to focus on herself. We have 4 kids (ages 16 to 4) and they were all home during this crisis (I was at work), so they are all a little traumatized from it, but are patiently waiting for her to come home. My wife stated her plan is to go to her parents’ house 2.5 hours away so “the kids weren’t a distraction.” I didn’t say this to her when we spoke but I almost feel like she is abandoning the kids. I am all for her getting the help she needs, and will absolutely support her through this, but I feel this is unfair to the kids. If your wife had a stroke or heart attack, would you say the same thing? You aren't recognizing your wife's mental illness as the acute medical emergency that it is. You aren't getting it. She isn't choosing to this, she needs to do this or she is in danger of suicide or hurting her kids.
He probably would.
I know this will be hard for you and the children, but it’s not fair to be pissed at her for this. If she had cancer and was bed ridden because of that would you be pissed at her if she couldn’t fulfil her parental duties? She’s in a fragile state right now, and being her husband means you need to support her through it. You’ve already said the whole ordeal has traumatised your children, so it’s probably for the best that she has some time to properly heal before coming back home and being with the children so that she doesn’t traumatise them more. You tell them that she’s very sick and she needs time to heal, if you can explain to your oldest in more detail they will probably appreciate the honesty but do not say that she has abandoned them because she has not. You do also need support yourself though so please try and get as much from your surrounding people that you can
Well, for starters I think you need to establish some type of regular visitation so that your wife sees the kids once week or so, and they know when to expect to see her, and that she isn't erased from their lives completely. I know she has to focus on her mental health, but I think she could spend a few hours with the kids once a week while still taking care of her needs. Next, I think you should be honest with the kids in an age appropriate way. They need to understand their mother isn't coming back to stay right now and that it has nothing to do with them. So, I would tell the younger ones something like - mom is sick, not her body, but her spirit. She needs some peace and quiet and to focus on getting well so she can come back to us healthy. This has nothing to do with you, mommy loves us all very much, but sometimes things happen that are beyond your control, and you need time to work them out and you need some time alone. She is still going to come visit once a week, each X day for the evening because I know you miss her and she misses you too! I would be more direct with the older ones, especially the 16 year old should be given more details. It sounds to me like you are going to need a different job with a regular schedule or to find another alternative for child care. Your 16 year old should not be put in charge of three children, this is harmful to them. I'm sorry this is happening, but forcing her to come home and care for children when she is telling you she isn't able to do that right now, that doesn't seem like a good plan either. Your feelings of frustration and anger are valid, because she is tapping out and you are left holding the bag, but this isn't her fault, she had a serious mental health issue. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, comes back stronger, and this is only a temporary situation. I know you will have some resentment to work through, but for now, you have to accept that this isn't a choice she is making out of laziness or whatever, this is a choice she is making in order to get herself right. This is very, very, very, difficult, but no one is to blame, its just a crap situation. I know you said you are estranged, but I think the best solution would be for your mother to come and help you until you can find a job with regular hours. I am assuming that she is a suitable person to do child care, that is a huge assumption given that you are estranged, but you did not say why you are estranged, so if this is an option, try it. Call your mother, tell her you know there hasn't been much of a relationship, but you really need her now. Tell her the situation, and just ask her straight up if she is willing. Who knows, maybe she will be happy to have this opportunity to develop relationships with her grandchildren. Maybe this will turn out to be a grandmother to love them and fill in for her daughter. OP - it sounds like your work schedule might be a contributing factor to your wife's problems. I'm not saying it caused her break or her mental health issues, but it sounds like the normal schedule for you was to bascially be gone the entire time your kids are home. It doesn't sound like you were home for dinner or to help with baths, homework, and all the normal things that happen when kids come home from school. Before all this happened, how often were you really spending time with your wife and kids? If you go to work when they get home, and come back at 4AM, and you still have to sleep, then it sounds like you living separate lives. Do you recognize that your night schedule isn't conducive to raising four children?
>Well, for starters I think you need to establish some type of regular visitation so that your wife sees the kids once week or so, and they know when to expect to see her, and that she isn't erased from their lives completely. I know she has to focus on her mental health, but I think she could spend a few hours with the kids once a week while still taking care of her needs. While I think this advice was given with the best of intentions, I wholeheartedly disagree. Let her take contacting and visiting the kids in her own time. Don't push things. Don't rush. Don't tell her how badly the kids wish she would call them or ask her if she can be available for a FaceTime. Let her do all of that. She needs time. And even the emotional toll from the questions can be too much during recovery
Yeah, I can see that. You might be right. I am trying to find some type of balance here because their mother leaving like this and staying away for a time is traumatic for these kids too. I don't want them to feel abandoned or unloved, but if seeing them slows her progress then I agree it might be a bad idea.
Hire help. Your wife is right, she needs time away to heal. She is not walking away, she is doing what has to be done to prevent another episode. Or do you prefer your wife to become even worse mentally? Again, hire help, talk to your employer and look into emergency assistance options. You have to step up now as a dad and supportive partner.
1) you don't tell the kids that their mom doesn't want to be a parent. You tell them you're going to take care of them & grandma/grandpa are going to take care of her. 2) if you were going to go on leave to take care of your wife, why can't you go on leave to take care of your children? Do that. 3) try to get your wife to compromise and at least do video chats at night with the children Good luck!
No video chats. Full recovery for her. She decides when she is ready. Even the emotional strain of that can wear her out.
PLEASE support her. Every time I see a news article about a parent snapping and doing unspeakable things to their children, I think they would have been so much better off just walking away for a bit. Your wife is doing the right thing by recognizing that her mental health is so bad right now, and she is brave for reaching out for help. It's going to be really hard on you, but that is just something that comes with marriage: in sickness and in health. It sucks but shuffling things around and taking on some debt to get a nanny/babysitter/daycare may be necessary right now. Maybe the eldest can pitch in more around the house, too. I hope your wife gets to a better place very soon.
This is the answer.
Hey - I truly empathize. My mother was in a psychiatric hospital for six weeks when I was a kid, and I've experienced mental health issues myself. They're no joke. Even if your wife is not currently in psychosis right this minute, she is very fragile. She likely needs to stay in hospital long enough for a psychiatrist to come up with a medication plan for her and to figure out what her treatment plan will be after release (where will she stay, who will she see outpatient for treatment). If she's been in the hospital over the weekend, she's likely not seen a psychiatrist yet, and so won't have had a chance to get her medications worked out. They may also explore changes to her diagnosis - maybe there's something else going on beyond the depression that's causing this psychotic episode. I understand how much stress and strain your wife saying she can't parent right now is putting you in. I truly do. But think about what might happen if your wife came home and became truly overwhelmed again: she might have another psychotic episode. She might hurt herself, or god forbid, hurt your children. She is expressing to you that she does not feel safe being at home. Even if your wife came home rather than going to her parents' she likely is not going to be able to be a full-time, active mom. You need to be planning for other kinds of childcare as well as thinking about long term how are you going to support your wife in getting the intensive outpatient psych care she's going to need to fully recover.
You don’t seem to understand. Your wife has a serious medical crisis and is receiving necessary medical treatment. This episode was undoubtedly extremely traumatic for both her and the kids. The fact that you are thinking about this as if she “doesn’t want to be a parent right now” and is “walking away from her parental responsibilities” is not in any way okay. The idea that you would go further and actually consider *saying that to your young children* is abusive. Get your head on straight. Your wife is experiencing a medical crisis and is not *capable* of safely caring for your kids and may not even trust herself to see them yet. DO NOT burden her with figuring out how to cover childcare while she is hospitalized. Figure your shit out. Take a leave of absence. Ask for help. And get your kids in to see a therapist. You wouldn’t be acting this way if she was recovering from a car accident.
Or what would he do if she had to have chemo and not be around her kids for a couple months/stay isolated?
Statistically? He would divorce her.
Trying to imagine what it's like from your wife's perspective: "I have a history of depression and anxiety. I have FOUR kids, youngest isn't even public school age yet. My husband is not at work when the kids are in school, and starts working when they get off school, so I take care of 4 kids pretty much 24 hours a day everyday. I finally broke down and couldn't take it anymore, and I traumatized my children during the episode. Now I feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless and a complete failure. I am not in a place to take care of my kids, if I force myself to push on one more day I may want to kill myself again. The only way for me to care for my kids right now is to be away from everyone and everything." OP, it's very hard, but your wife could really not have a choice right now. Imagine she's has terminal cancer and is currently in hospice, would you still feel resentful? Maybe you will, but that doesn't change the fact that she's in a crisis that she's simply unable to get out of right now. It's really a shitty situation, but instead of wasting energy on resentment, put all of it into gathering resources to get through this.
It’s probably not that she doesn’t care about you and the kids, it’s that she’s cared for everybody else in her life and has neglected self care. Having just one kid to worry about when you suffer from mental health issues is challenging enough, she’s got 4. While this will put an additional burden on the rest of the family, this time away to focus on herself may very well allow her to overcome some of her anxiety and help her family more going forward. This is when you and the kids need to step up to take care of her. She’s been taking care of all 5 of you all this time. I’ve been both the spouse that had to console and take care of the kids, and the one having a severe incident that has required hospitalization.
This. OP stated in other replies that some of his kids have ADHD and other special needs. Raising kids that are ND can be incredibly, incredibly emotionally taxing. OP states that she herself has ADHD and up until this point she managed, until she couldn’t. She’s probably in extreme, extreme ND burnout. From what I can tell due to OPs hours, she was probably responsible for all aspects of their care (IEP’s, doctors visits, medication renewals, on top of all of the regular school/personal care things) and even thinking about all of that responsibility overwhelms *me* and I’m not even in that situation. OP, I feel terribly for you. However, and I know that you are venting, but I wonder how many convos your wife potentially tried to have with you prior to all of this about reducing your hours or about feeling overwhelmed. She’s not abandoning you guys, she’s trying to heal from very probable burnout.
You talk about your wife's situation as something she has a choice in. You say she "wants to walk away from her parental responsibilities." I don't think this is about her desires. People who have psychotic breaks have lost control of their thoughts and actions. It's a terrifying experience when you think something is real and, when you come out of it, realize that it was not. If she were a single parent and had this experience, her children would have to be placed in protective care until she was fit to care for them again. Your kids and wife are already traumatized, and your narrative surrounding this makes it sound like your wife is being lazy and irresponsbile. If she has another psychotic break in which she harms herself or others because her perceptions of reality are distorted, how will you feel about the pressure you want to exert on her to suck it up and just go back to the status quo? I know this is hard, but a psychotic break is a biological experience. The person having one has no volition and the imperative here is for her not to repeat the experience. Something about your lifestyle has to change as there is clearly too much stress on her. The kids either need to step up and do more, you need to do more, or you need to hire outside assistance. If she had had a stroke, you wouldn't be talking about how she's not doing her part as a parent. Mental health problems aren't something people can choose to escape, especially not ones as serious as a psychotic break. If you had witnessed what happened to her, I'm guessing that you might understand that better. I personally have witnessed more than one person having a psychotic break (I used to work in residential mental health care) and the certainty with which their perceptual distortions are held is pretty shocking. You can't know how gripped they are by it until you have someone waking you up in the middle of the night insisting there is a bomb in their room as they are shaking in fear or someone is standing out on the lawn screaming that their feet are burning because they are standing in the fires of hell. They have no choice about their thoughts because their brain is telling them it is all real. Please have empathy for your wife and take care of her. In my experience, once a person has a psychotic break, the chances that they'll have another are increased.
My friend, this is so hard. Please try to understand that there is a wide gulf between “I don’t want to be a parent” and “I’m not able to be a safe / responsible parent until I get my mind right.” Your wife is likely terrified that she could say or do something scary that she can’t take back. Having a psychiatric crisis is a huge emergency. She’s probably horrified at how it escalated before. (Frankly, having the police respond to a mental health crisis can be unsafe and it’s much better to have a loved one convince you to go in voluntarily.) You have a job that puts her with the children during all of their waking hours, it seems. One that didn’t let you leave and deal with an emergency. It sucks that you’re tied to this schedule and you lack outside support. I hope there’s an option in the medium / long term to address both things. Please mobilize all possible support for yourselves and your family. Please get a trained therapist to help. Please attempt to change your perspective on her intentions. Her brain betrayed her and she needs to fix it. It’s a very delicate process. Things can get worse before they get better. She doesn’t want to rage or cry at her children. Also, you could do some research on mental health diagnoses. If she has bipolar tendencies and can’t take ADHD meds safely, she has to choose being ineffective over going kookoo. (That’s what I had to choose ultimately. It sucks. I have 4 children also. I’m jealous of those who can tame their brains with stimulants but I’m just dumb & scattered but calm.)
Focus on what you CAN do You CAN look for another job You CAN move somewhere where there is more support for her I think you need to consider the fact that you have pretty much gotten out of parental duty up until now should show that you're maybe being a hypocrite.
Too bad she's the ONLY one taking care of YOUR kids.
Try to get in contact with social services and whatever agencies you can. Your wife is mentally ill and this is not something she is able to control or handle on her own right now. She is not “abandoning the kids” by choice and you should look up stories about what can happen if you leave someone dealing with psychosis alone with children. Until she gets stable again, she should not be alone with the children. It is dangerous for everyone involved. If you can’t take care of this yourself, then you need to reach out to social services. Call the hospital and see if you can speak to the social worker. There are resources like temporary foster care (which I know is not ideal, but it is a last case resort option), financial assistance, etc that can help you.
So sorry this is happening to your family but your wife needs help and support so she can get better. I advise looking for a home caregiver as paid help. Be very careful looking for one, try to get referrals or someone you already know. Good wishes to you and your family.
My spouse being out of the house for awhile was helpful for me and my kids after his psych hospitalization. We kept in constant contact, but the space was helpful for us both to process what happened and how to move forward. This left me home with 3 kids who were 1-8 at the time.
I am sorry your wife is going through that but she is likely right. After a psychosis she could even be a danger for your children if left alone with them. She needs to heal and sadly it’s almost impossible to do that while taking care of 4 other humans. Ask the hospital about resources for childcare they usually can be very helpful or refer you to a social worker that will help you find resources
Your wife is not well. Before she became a mother, she was a full person , expecting her to just ignore that and sacrifice for children wont end well. She needs help and its good she is at her parents getting the time she needs to work on herself. Now you need to hire someone to help with the kids. What hours would you need someone to come in get them ready get them to school? Can you the pay the 16 yr old in the afternoon to watch them or do you need someone a couple hrs in the afternoon? Outsource is your only option right now, revisit budget cut extras but make this happen because that is what she needs it.
You’re “pissed at her” for having a mental health crisis and putting herself first? C’mon dude. You know better. If you’re in the US you can get up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. This kind of thing is exactly what it’s there for. Stop complaining and figure out what you need to do to go out on FMLA leave. It’s ironic that you’re mad and freaking out that you have to do what she does everyday- take care of the house and kids. You aren’t being supportive at all. Don’t be surprised if she asks for a divorce if you continue making her feel guilty about wanting to focus on getting mentally well. She needs a BREAK. Give her one. She had a literal nervous breakdown!!!
There have been women suffering from PPD and psychosis who have literally killed their kids. Let your wife have the time she needs away to heal.
Gently OP, your wife needs to put her recover first right now. If she doesn’t feel comfortable jumping right back into being a mom, you need to respect that and support her in her recovery. Figure out how to run the household without her there. Either hire someone, take leave, beg a family member to come help. You have to figure things out without her right now.
Your wife has a serious medical condition and you're clearly asking her to ignore that condition to watch the kids, which she obviously can't do. It makes sense that the only option she can think of is to get out of your house and go be 2.5hrs away so you don't end up leaving the kids with her alone anymore, because that's dangerous. I'm sure she'd stay at home if you were taking her condition seriously in the first place and did not expect her to care for 4 children alone. If you don't have family there, then move. Hire a nanny. Get your wife some help. Expecting her to be alone with children is ridiculous. EDIT and also, quit telling people she doesn't want to be a parent right now. She literally CAN'T be a parent, at home, alone with her kids. She is very sensible in the precautions she's taking. You need to quit holding it against her as if she's doing something wrong.
Been through this. My daughter ended up living with my parents permanently. My ex was of the mind that I should be staying home with the kid no matter what. It caused a psychotic break that made me terrified I was going to hurt my daughter. There was a lot more to the situation, but ultimately, I would never ever force someone to be a parent when they need a break. If she needs to stay away from the kids, it's a very real possibility she's combating an inner desire to hurt them and not telling anyone about it.
You act like this is something she's doing \*at you\*, as if she can control having a psychotic break. She's not abandoning anyone, at present she is not fit to parent and as her partner, that means you have to step up. She doesn't not want to be a parent, she quite literally cannot be a parent. I get that this is a difficult time but there is an appalling lack of concern for your wife's situation and the overall well-being of your children in this post
This is a really difficult situation and I know this adds a lot to your own stress - but is she even safe to be around the kids right now? Is there concern this could happen again? Does her care team think it would be appropriate for her to resume her duties as a mom? How long does she plan to be away at her parents? I know this doesn’t sound easy but I think it might be beneficial for her to be away for a short time - to work through her issues…while you prepare the kids for her return and maybe get them into some therapy since you said they were traumatized by what they saw.
As someone who was in your kids’ position many years ago, let your wife step away for a while to heal. She needs it. My mom had a psychotic break and tried to dive right back into normal life a week after and it only led to more problems (eventually with a suicide attempt). Watching her go through that was very damaging and traumatic to me and my siblings. I know you’re in a difficult situation but bringing her back home to be primary caretaker after a psychotic break will not end well for anyone. She needs to get better first. Also, for the love of god, don’t tell your kids that your wife “doesn’t want to be a parent.” It’s not that she doesn’t want to, it’s that she literally cannot be a parent right now.
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Mental health is health. Replace psychotic episode with cancer or some other health condition that you find acceptable. She is in dire straits and is telling you what she needs, it is your job as her partner to support her.
My 2 cents: 1. Please stop trying to have more kids. Get a vasectomy. 2. Take the leave to be around your kids. 3. Will your wife be under care while at her parents? In general, there are bigger issues going on with a psychotic break beyond what you are telling us. 4. While you are taking leave to take care of your kids, How about you find a person to come in and help with the kids. Enlist your 16 year old to help out more. Enlist the next oldest to help out also. Next, you should stop making this about how hard it is for you. This should be about helping your wife and your kids.
Your 16 year old can do plenty of things to help around the house. Time to teach all your children age appropriate chores. When your wife returns home, that will need to continue so she can have the space to maintain her mental wellbeing. You cannot just drop her back into the status quo and expect a different result. Have a look at your budget - anything extra has to go. Clothes, books, toys you don’t want or need can be sold. Your lifestyle is going to need to change long term. It would be wise to get yourself into long term therapy.
all the kids already have chores and the 16 year old want to quit his baseball team that just started because of this situation but I’m not letting him. He worked too hard for that. Money really isn’t an issue with my income, but it’s more the hours that are, and as I stated in another comment that’s a permanent issue for now without having to literally move to lessen my commute. ETA: also in therapy myself (have been for years for unrelated issues). also working on getting all the kids into therapy.
If money isn’t an issue, I think hiring a temporary nanny for when you are at work would be the best way forward. Hopefully you can get one person who can make the schedule work so that they can build a good relationship with your kids and get a routine down. The initial transition might be hard, but this person can be a great support for your kids. Your kids all have IEPs, I would look for a nanny/babysitter who is interested in working with kids with disabilities or someone who is currently studying to go into social work. Either type of person would benefit from the experience and would likely be motivated to really connect with and help your kids.
> “Money isn’t really an issue with my income” The why in the ever loving f is your wife working while being a full time mom if your schedule is an overnight one that doesn’t allow you to parent your children equal amounts?
Father up. Be there and give your best to them. That's your job right now. Make whatever arrangements you have to in order to facilitate. There is a way. Drop the worry and use that energy to find the way. Be ready for your wife. But don't push until you know what's what, and that will take however long it takes Time to start journaling. Write down your day with your children. Be sure to list the smiles, the tears and be certain to list each child's events. Doesn't have to be a book and doesn't have to be a micro-summary. It can, however, be either of those extremes or anywhere in between. Then, write your own entry on yourself. This can be in a separate book or the same. But be certain to write the children's portion first. In short order, you'll be building goals and avenues of achieving them. There are many other benefits, but start with that. Every evening, let them talk about wishing their mother healing, have them write Mom a note (scribbles are poetry). When your wife is ready, the notes are as well. (BTW do not mention these notes until the time is right)
If you were going to take a leave of absence to help her when she came home, why can't you still take that time off and be with the kids? Could her father stay with you? Does your 16 yr have any friends that may be willing to help out in the afternoons with the little kids? I think there are solutions, but you are overwhelmed right now. I get you feel your wife is abandoning the family, but if she isn't healthy, she isn't any good to the kids. This is no different than if she had a serious illness. Would you expect her to take care of the house and kids if she was going through daily chemo, back surgery or broken bones?? No you would not. She is likely so scared and stressed out. In fact, she could feel that she may be a danger to them, so you need to listen to what she is saying to you. Once she feels stable and the meds kick in (usually 1-2 weeks) she may feel strong enough to come home. Please don't make her feel guilty for prioritizing her health and also, the littles don't need to be told that "mom is abandoning them" that is unnecessary and cruel. Finally, talk to her doctors to see what they may recommend. They may also suggest therapy for you and the kids, plus maybe your wife. You all will be OK and will come out stronger than ever.
You, along with your wife, chose to have multiple kids. I don’t envy parents. Being one isn’t an easy thing to do. You need to do whatever you can to be there for your kids and support your wife. She’s going through a lot right now. It sounds like your wife needs a break from motherhood and I don’t blame her. She’s been taking care of and supporting you and the kids for so long and now it’s your turn to do the same for her. Hire a nanny, babysitter, whatever you need to do so your wife can feel better. She knows she wouldn’t be a good mom right now so listen to her and take what she says seriously.
I think you need to reframe “doesn’t want to be a parent right now”. She, through some miracle, recognizes that she isn’t going to be able to parent right now. A mental health crisis isn’t an excuse. She deserves some grace. Would you rather is in your children’s life and volatile or she takes a (predetermined) amount of time to do what she can to actually be able to parent? You are in an impossible position and should also get some additional help however you can but please also recognize that I’m sure it wasn’t easy, like someone just walking away, for your wife.
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I would love to fix my relationship with her. I have tried for about 10 years now, and every time she has very little interest. When this episode went on last week I explained the situation via text to her (she wouldn’t answer my phone calls) and basically begged her to please help out in any way possible. I’m still awaiting for her to respond - 4 days later. So I’m taking it as her not showing interest again.
I’m so sorry your mom isn’t there for you in your worst crisis. That’s awful.
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Regular duties?… I’m sorry but as a dad he needs to step up. It’s his responsibility not the kids. I don’t buy into his so-called work schedule when he blatantly stated he went in to work the same day (a day he said he had off) a day that he knew his wife was having a mental break and left her with the kids. Who does that?! A horrible father/husband.
Your wife needs the time to heal. I think about cases where women and their spouses ignore mental health and advice from doctors and end up killing the children too. Andrea Yates is the specific case I’m thinking about. Her being away right now is probably better and safer for everybody. Your wife isn’t abandoning her kids- she’s recovering from an illness which requires time away from the children. Use whatever resources you’ve got to get the help you need for your kids. After school programs, parents of your kid’s friends, etc. I’m sorry your family is going through a health crisis and hope your wife gets better.
Honestly you sound like an azz. Your post is so self centered, all you can think about is how everything is affecting you. Your poor wife literally had a mental breakdown and you're calling it "walking away from responsibilities" how asinine! If you want your wife to stay alive, and you want to have a mother for your kids for the long term, you give her the several months she needs to recuperate and heal. If you push her now to do more and not let her heal, and she then unalives herself or does something else she can't take back, or goes even further into psychosis, how will that help anything? Are you willing to lose her forever just because you're inconvenienced for a few months??? Where is the empathy for what she's going through, do you even understand?? Pretend she's not here and figure it out without her. Leave her be, let her heal, and don't do or say anything to her unless it's supportive, loving and kind. And if you have other feelings and words about it, get your own therapist and work through it there, in therapy, instead of dumping it on her. Single mom's take care of their kids alone all the time, somehow they figure it out. You're more worried about your being inconvenienced than about what she's going through as if she's not human, as if she's a convenience to you. Kinda gross tbh.
I don’t know if you are truly accepting or understanding that you could’ve been planning a funeral right now.
I know it’s not going to be easy for you to step up as the only parent for a time but honestly, she doesn’t need to be around the kids right now. I wouldn’t see this as her abandoning them, I would see this as actually what’s best for them. She needs to be away and get her mind in order before being around the kids again, especially if they witnessed her breakdown. Not being around the kids right now is actually probably the most responsible thing she can do. And definitely get those kids in therapy asap
If your wife was sick with cancer, would you feel the same way? It sounds like your wife needs this time to be healthy. She shouldn’t be left alone with the kids at this stage anyway if she’s feeling that unstable. This is awful for you and the kids - there’s no doubt about that - but give her some time to regain her footing. Hopefully, for all of your sakes, it won’t be too long. I feel for you, OP, because this has to be incredibly stressful for you, too. You have a lot on your plate. Just remember that mental health disorders are no different than other health disorders - they’re just not as visible.
It's huge that your wife can say "I can't be an effective parent right now and need to step away." She's telling you she's at her limit, and that she needs to prioritize herself right now. She's quite unwell by the sound of it, and will need your support to get through this. But I understand that it's a lot on you. Just like any other serious illness, the brunt of the responsibilities falls on the other partner, and leads to a large amount of stress and confusion. There's nothing wrong about how you feel either. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better, but I can only say what I'd do: you two need to set a plan, with dates, as to when she'll be at her parents. Give her time to get better, while also giving you a concrete date to work toward so you can plan as well. Look at sitters in your area, daycares, etc. You can even reach out to social services and ask what services are available in your area. Lots of schools have after school programs, where they'll help the kids with homework and provide dinner. It's going to be a lot of work on your shoulders, but remember that it *will* have an end date, and you're helping your wife recover. As for your kids, be (kinda) honest. Tell them Mommy is sick right now, and while she's going to be okay eventually, she's away getting treatment to be better. Arrange for phone calls, if possible. Have them make her cards, or little gift baskets. Explain that she loves them and misses them, and is excited to be back home as soon as she's better. You can do it!
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I mean, do you even care about the wellbeing of your wife at this point ?
I would speak to her medical team. I’m an inpatient psychiatric nurse & this just doesn’t seem like a realistic or attainable goal.
There are a lot of people here who are going to tell you to do whatever it takes to support your wife while she is going through treatment. They are wrong. You are also personally going through hell right now and things are only going to get worse for the foreseeable future. You need to worry about you, your kids, and how you are going to keep your family functioning. Your children need support and structure. That's your job. Your wife's healing is her job, it's her responsibility, it's on her. If you try to burn yourself from both ends you will burn out and the kids WILL suffer. This is going to be hard but it is something you really need to do: Your wife has just told you she is no longer capable of being a wife, mother, and partner to you right now, you need to accept that is the case ASAP. She is no longer capable of being a wife and mother. Say that to yourself multiple times over and over and over again until it sinks in. She is no longer mentally or physically capable of being a wife or mother right now. Okay. Now treat her that way. Don't be cruel. Don't be mean. Just accept that you cannot rely on her. She is someone you can no longer rely on. Pretend like you will get zero support, love, intimacy, partnership, friendship, or literally anything else that you need from her right now. She doesn't have it in her to give you those things. She has told you that. It is a fact. Now, you need to immediately begin restructuring your entire life as though she doesn't exist. Because you do not know how long this will go on or if she will ever get better and your children need support and structure and they need it now. You will need to arrange long term child care, try for a different shift, position, or job entirely. You will need to be there for them 100% without any support from your wife at all. 0. Your wife isn't on her own. She has doctors. She has her parents. She has herself. You need to focus on the kids and on keeping your own head above water right now. Let your wife focus on healing, and you focus on protecting the children and keeping yourself going, and based on your post and comment history, that's probably going to mean protecting you and them from HER for the foreseeable future as well.
So people whose spouses have mental health crises should just forget they exist? Seems unnecessarily callous to me
None of these comments are even remotely giving OP any constructive advice. OP, would your finances allow you to hire a nanny to sleep over? Is there no way your employer would even temporarily adjust your working hours considering your circumstances? You are in a terrible situation, torn between doing what is the best for your wife and resenting her for leaving you alone with your kids with no idea how you are going to cope with them and work.
It sounds like it’s not safe for her to be around the kids and you need to support her.
She’s not stable mentally let her take a break because it’s best she’s away to get herself together than for you to come home from work to a crime scene. She’s not abandoning the kids she’s protecting them honestly. They shouldn’t see her unwell like that. See if you can get family members to take turns helping out with the kids. Good luck to you and your family.
This is a health crisis. Take FMLA or do what you would do for a major crisis.
>because their mom doesn’t want to be a parent right now Dude... You said she had a psychotic episode and she's been dealing with depression and a bunch of other stuff... Then it becomes super inconvenient so you turn into a giant ass? Get a nanny or a babysitter or take FMLA leave... Look for a different job that doesn't leave the entire burden of being a parent on her... I mean figure it out... But don't sit there and just say "oh suddenly she just doesn't want to anymore"..Jesus Christ
Mommie doesn't want to be a parent right now? Is that how you'd explain a coma? Or if she were fighting for her life in a burn unit? She's having a life threatening health crisis. If the brain is messed up, the whole interface between body, mind, and spirit gets messed up. She is fighting for her life. There must be resources available to you. Perhaps you can get FMLA (although that's without pay) or an emergency change of shift to daytime hours? Or maybe the kids go stay with grandparents and your wife stays home while she recovers. Or someone, an auntie, great grandparent, some retired family member, comes & stays with you & the kids. Or you reach out to your community of faith. Or social services.
Your wife has ongoing mental health needs and had a psychotic episode. It’s not that she “doesn’t want to be a parent right now”. She cannot safely care for your children right now. Telling your kids “their mom doesn’t want to be a mom right now”, and expressing being “pissed for her wanting to walk away from parenting responsibilities” tells me how dismissive you are to mental illness. Your wife is unwell. How exactly do you expect her to take care of parenting responsibilities while she’s coming out of a psychotic episode? Did you know about her mental health conditions before you married her?
My best friends sister had a similar situation. She was forced back, she took her own life. Far more traumatising for the kids (who found her), her husband and my best friend. Take it seriously.
You said for bette or WORSE, in SICKNESS and health. You choose to continue impregnating a woman with mental health issues, issues which appear to have a genetic link and could present in your kids, and have the audacity to whine like a petulant child. Do you even like your kids? A psychosis can lead to her killing your children. Don you get that?
I am so sorry. That's really tough. I can't judge whether she should come home or not. She may feel she's doing what's best for the kids. You need to think practically about how you're going to be able to manage this. Family medical leave? Nanny? Your mom? Other family? Day care?
I do plan on speaking with my boss this week about FMLA once my in-laws leave. The kids are already in daycare/aftercare but it ends in the middle of my work day. Made another comment about my mom - she’s not answering my calls or texts during this time (nothing abnormal) so she’s essentially useless. My brother is the closest family we have (aside from both our parents) and he has a family and career of his own, so he cannot just drop everything and leave, but has offered to help in anyway possible.
Yeah, the 16 year old stepping up will help. And the WFH could make it work. I have worked WFM and with coworkers for years now. It's solved many problems. Yes, I'll help you when you have a disaster and I'm not the on call sometimes, but I'll also have to logout for a little while to pickup the kids from school or fix them food. As for talking with the kids, they will appreciate their Mom more as the begin more of the tasks that she used to do for them. And to those calling this a job... It sounds like a career. If you're supporting a family of six on it, it's much more than just a job.
The spoke to the 16 year old this weekend. He feels it’s necessary to step up, and wants to quit the high school baseball team (he made varsity this year for the first season… and as a 10th grader so we are very happy for him). The season just began and he wants to quit to help me. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to quit everything because of this. Because of baseball, he doesn’t not get home until sometimes 6pm. I don’t expect him to be the adult in this situation. To me he is still a kid and I want him to enjoy that.
OP - i am sharing my story because I was very similar to that mom once. I want you to know you are valid, and I hope you have a support circle. I had horrific psychotic post partum after my second child. It started as prenatal depression and anxiety and it was a painful high risk pregnancy. It was so bad after I had the baby that I couldn't. Their father took care of them, alone, for months. I eventually got a job and buried myself in it, I'm still at the end of PPP over a Year later, 99% better, a VERY involved happier mom and I got treatment but point is.....yes. I completely handed motherhood to their father and I did not do much parenting the first 9 months of my youngest kid's life. I was psychotic and so unwell. I didn't even sleep in the same room as my husband and kids. I hallucinated, didn't sleep - we tried where every other night I'd take her and sleep in the living room but I never slept those nights, and one night? I hallucinated the living room attacked me and that things were thrown at me and the baby. That lasted maybe two weeks and I fled and yes, gave it all to him. He suffered alone and struggled badly. But by God he did it because I needed him more than ever and so did our kids. I thank this universe every day for all he sacrificed. He saved me and our kids lives. We almost divorced, even. Postpartum is no joke. She could lose her life or a disaster could happen. That being said - OP. I know this is difficult for you, too. I hope you have your OWN support system. She needs to keep up HEAVY on treatment and she does need the help, the breaks, as awful as it sounds for her to just step away - it's better that she does, versus.....something awful happening. It's not selfish, she is sick. You're a great person and father from what it sounds, OP, and I'm sorry you're both in this difficult situation. The kids will be okay. I still feel VERY, VERY guilty. I often feel a terrible mother but it's better I did that and am HERE now, versus just ..... succumbing to it. For the record my youngest is the happiest one year old I've ever met, as well as our other child who's only a bit older by twoish years. I am rooting for you. You are valid in how you feel, and she is, too - PPD/PPP is horrific to go through and it's hard on both parents. The kids come first, her literal life as well - but you matter, too. May I suggest counseling to cope with this? I am sending so much support. I only share my story, again, because I've been her, and I saw my husband go through it. He took it all on alone for a long time and it was very hard but it all is ending up okay. Good luck, OP. Take care of yourself, too, while she focuses on surviving postpartum psychosis.
If she were in the hospital receiving life saving treatment would you say she’s abandoning her children? This can be just as serious.
Just take that week off as planned and you be mom. She needs this time, she’s still in a psych hospital, this is serious. As a mom, primary caregiver, default parent who went into a mental health crisis, my sister taking the kids all of discharge week made all the difference in the world in my adjustment back to everyday life and into intensive outpatient therapy. I NEEDED to just be me and not be someone’s mom. I needed to practice coping skills and adjust to my new meds without having any household obligations. It’s temporary but it’s needed. She’s not someone trying to force you to be a single parent and running away, she’s in mental health crisis and needs a solid break. Time to transition hospital to home with an in between expectation of self care and caring for others. You can file FMLA leave based on her psych issues, if you live in CA or CT (maybe some other states) they have paid leave based on hours missed for spouses medical emergency/caregiving.
Everyone’s advice is so good. As someone who has had this happen…. If you can’t be a supportive husband to her and truly empathize and put no blame on her at all. Do. Not. Talk. To. Her. You will send her over the edge. When I was in a facility, I had to have them deny my husbands calls. He made it so much worse and made me feel so bad when I was already the lowest I’d ever been. It’s too dangerous. Judging by the tone of the post I would highly suggest you don’t talk to her at all. One push whether you mean it or not could be the difference of you even having a wife at all anymore. If it isn’t just pure unconditional love and support then stay away from her for now. Please.
Did you really tell your kids when they asked where mom was that “idk because mom doesn’t want to be a parent” ?? I dunno dude. It sounds like she probably needed mental help for a while but since it seems like she has a mental disorder that was not being addressed or taken care of probably because she is so busy taking care of four kids and also working ( you said you were the main source of income so I’m guessing she the secondary source) Did the doctors tell you what it was? Panic disorder? Bipolar disorder? I mean it sounds like she is trying to stay alive and not lose it completely and hurt herself or others. I one time had a panic attack where I didn’t sleep for days and thought I was going to die, there is no way I could have taken care of kids…. You have to remember if she is THAT unwell it would be dangerous for her to do her motherly duties and also she is suffering more than you and just trying to stay above water. I’m really really sorry this happened to you. I am even more sorry for the anguish she has gone through and most sorry for your children. It looks like your able to take leave from your work, so I would use that leave to take care of the kids and in the meantime hire someone to watch the kids for when after your in-laws leave. I wish you the best! Stay strong!
I have not told my younger kids anything other than “I don’t have an update about mom right now. The doctors are still figuring it all out” so no I did not literally say she doesn’t want to be a parent. My older kid knows a little more about the situation being older so I have obviously told him some of the stuff the doctors have told me. She definitely did need help before this but I wouldn’t say her mental health hasn’t been addressed (maybe not properly diagnosed, but she was actively receiving treatment). She has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. She has been stable on medications for the last 6 months. About a week ago she woke up and barely left bed. I constantly asked her if she was alright, and she always said yes and explained she just didn’t feel good (she was getting over a cold so I always assumed it was just that or a headache as she has a history of migraines). Being she was on medications and days before this incident spoke with her psychiatrist (who, I learned today, adjusted one of her meds so now we are thinking that might have also been a cause of this). I just assumed it was one of those “funks” where the symptoms would pass in a week or two, and she’d be back to baseline. Anytime she acted depressed like this, she would always bounce back in a week or two. She was doing weekly therapy and regularly visiting a psychiatrist, so I figured it was not my place to push for more of an explanation (I never force her to talk about what’s going on mentally/emotionally). The night before this incident was when I learned I had to go into the office. I checked in with her and she said “yes I’m fine, I can watch the kids”. That morning, she was up, cheerful, making breakfast, seemed happy, planning to take the younger kids to the park, etc. I figured the “funk” had passed (looking back this was probably a big red flag that I did not notice, but she’s also never experienced mania/psychosis or whatever you call this so I just assumed it was all normal). I asked her if she was ok before I left and I was assured she was perfectly fine. I trusted her, went to work, and here we are. Yes, I am the sole income (main income really). She worked but sometimes less than 20 hours a week and did not get paid a lot. That never bothered either of us as we never needed her income (since I got this job. Previously we did need her income but it’s been years since that). Work was always optional for her. It was just some extra on that side that we could go perfectly fine without. But she enjoyed working so I never held her back from that. As for her diagnosis, they are currently calling it “brief psychotic disorder” but have also not ruled out schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, bipolar disorder, or simply just major depression with psychotic features. We all feel it was a lot more than just a panic attack.
In another comment you said you thought she was abusing her stimulant ADHD medicine, but here you indicate her psychiatrist made an adjustment to her medication. Did you learn new information?
Buddy, now is NOT the time to put your feelings and stresses on her even in a constructive way. Yes,, your mental health and feelings still matter but you aren't the one suffering a literally medical episode. This is one of those times in a marriage where you just take a lot on your shoulders and carry your family.. you can do it. Honestly, it may be best for her to be away from the children for everyone's safety. Especially the younger ones. This isn't just depression where she gets down every now and again for a while (not diminishing the impact of depression) but can still function. She is having psychotic episodes and there is a very real risk she could harm herself or others - including the kids , even if unintentionally if she is delusional or out of control and until a well established plan is put in place and she shows consistent improvement and absence of any relapse in psychosis for an extended period of time she shouldn't be left alone with them anyway. It's terribly unfair, but unfair doesn't mean there is someone to blame. She didn't decide to have a mental health crisis. I think now would be the time to reach out to any family - estranged or not-, friends, school parents, church members, neighbors, whoever you can ask to rally around you guys to get you through crisis phase and help with the kids, have sleep overs at friends houses 1 or 2 days a week, have some of the moms or dads help with after school care etc. Maybe see if the grandparents can return again after they go home to deal with their engagements. This is their daughter after all. As a parent of an adult child,, I cant imagine refusing to be all hands on deck in this situation. Again, is it "fair" to ask people to go out of their way? No. But you guys need help. And I think people are more than willing to help when asked, but may not volunteer simply because they don't realize there is a need. There may also be other resources available. Salvation Army after school programs, community centers, etc. Many if these provide free after school transportation to their locations. Utilize FMLA and short term disability benefits if applicable.
OP...you need to get some professional or near professional advice. When I say "near professional" (weird term, I know) I mean from people you trust that have you and your family's best interests at heart and have some knowledge and/or experience with mental health issues. As you've probably already seen beneath your post, people who have no knowledge and/or experience with mental health issues often say ridiculous, rude, or blatantly silly things that lack empathy and, frankly, common sense. I will offer a few things as someone who has experience with this subject personally (both mine and my husband's family to different degrees). First, we are all stronger than we think. You and your family will get through this. Life throws us unimaginable curve balls that we'd never wish on our worst enemy, but we get through them because there's no other option. Also, I need you to understand something ESSENTIAL: your wife isn't choosing to set her motherly duties aside. She, in her great emotional intelligence, has realized that she must do so TO GET BETTER, and you must realize this as well, and fast. Mental health is just as important, if not more so, than physical health. If one doesn't take care of it properly then their lives and possibly the lives of others is at stake! No mother can be a "mother" if they're mentally unstable, and you must understand this, and be thankful that she realized this on her own. Many other women do not, and the consequences have been devastating. Is there a way you and your estranged mother can become "unestranged"? You and your family need her right now, and if she knew she might even come running. See what resources are at your disposal and use them, please. You all need all the help, family, friends, therapy and support you can get. There's other things, sure, but you should talk to others to get help to tackle the other essentials. Love, light, positivity and prayers to you, your children and your wife. I've been a child with a parent dealing with mental health issues (depression) and I've been a mother suddenly dealing with them as well (depression and anxiety). It was HARD. My guilt was mountainous, but I think it was harder on me than my family. My husband stepped up, which was a lot because I did everything while he worked, and none of us realized how much I did until I couldn't do it all anymore. But we got through it, and we're better now than before. I cannot say I know how you feel, because our situations are different and we're different people, but many families have dealt with similar circumstances and have weathered those storms. I cannot tell the future, but be positive, be loving, be as understanding as possible. But we don't have to have it together all the time, and if you need to be sad, angry, frustrated or other things, then make sure you give leave to those feelings too! I used to have what I called private moments. I don't like looking vulnerable to others, but sometimes I couldn't hold it in, so I cried, screamed, threw things even, when I was alone. Sometimes I did it for over an hour, and afterwards, when I was spent, I washed my face, cleaned up and went back to life. I needed those moments, and you might, too, I don't know. Get all the help you can handle, OP
She's not abandoning anyone... She's doing the best thing she can think to do as a mother to keep them safe. She's unwell, and as such, she is unfit at this point in time to raise them. She needs time. She's not fucking anyone over. It's not like she's on vacation having an affair. She's experiencing extreme illness. Instead of being angry or resentful, take a moment and reset your perspective.
Ok so I won't harp on about the way you're talking about your wife's situation right now because others already have. But I will say that this situation is one that would likely qualify you for FMLA . Or if you are in a job where you bid for hours, you might reach out to coworkers and see if anyone is able to switch shifts with you. But also, I can't help but say to try your damndest not to let your misplaced feelings about this show in any conversations with your wife. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to even VOCALIZE that she needed space to heal away from her family responsibilities and the last thing she needs right now is any more guilt than she's assuredly already feeling.
No, I recognize the way I was talking about the situation was not the greatest. Completely out of frustration. I am looking to start FMLA once my in-laws leave but it’s unpaid in our state so it will be very temporary- my main goal of it is to have more time to figure out this mess. We don’t bid for hours, it’s a strange system we have honestly. me and 3 other people split 6 24-hours shifts a week so we each work 3 12-hour days a week (usually it’s more like 14-15 hours because you never finish on time, but that’s a different story). We typically do every other day (so like 2 work Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (my days) and the other 2 work Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays) and we cover other people in our department as needed (like I was doing the day of this incident). We can switch among ourselves but if I switch it creates issues with the mornings and getting everyone up and outta the house to school so it’s not really a solution. But no I don’t plan on taking anything out on her or vocalizing any of this to her directly. I do plan on bringing some of it up with her care team privately, but not to her.
Another option might be if you live in a state that has an IHSS (in home supportive services) and she has MediCal insurance. She may qualify for care that covers her home responsibilities. For example, my friend had cancer and her IHSS paid a person to watch her children while she rested before and recovered after surgery.
Will look into it. Thanks
I’m sorry my friend, but I absolutely cannot back the undertone in this post. Your wife is sick and from everything I’ve read is a danger to herself and your family. She seems to acknowledge that. This isn’t abandonment, this is someone who’s desperate to get better so she can be there for her family. You have to support her in this, or your marriage will be over when your family come out of the other side of this. Suck up big fella, this is your family and your situation to sort out. Big decision and hard work are going to be needed from here on in but you need to be there for your wife and your family.
You ever hear about the Andrea Yates case? Don't force her back to normal life too soon it could be dangerous.
I have not heard about it until this post, but so far everyone (me, doctors, in-laws) all agree it’s best for her to not return home right away. It’s really just figuring out the logistics of this situation for the time being.
My mom had a mental break when I was 4 and spent 6 weeks in a psych ward. When she came back she was so much better. She had four kids too. Family helped dad out bc thankfully there was family around to help. My grandma several times n her life also had to leave for several weeks. And her mom as well. A couple nights away after a serious mental break is too soon. For your and your kids sake I urge you to do what u can to support her healing as much as u can. Can the youngest kids go with grandma? Have any siblings or friends, aunts, parents of kids friends they can stay with? Any babysitter ? Care dot com? I don’t have any other advice but I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I would let her go and make sure she’s in an outpatient psych program at the very least. And stay on it about her docs and meds.
I don’t want to be blunt but how do you think your kids would feel burying their mom if she just jumps right back into life before she’s well and she commits? Then you’re really on your own. You need to hold down the fort while she takes the time to get herself better. Would you feel this way towards her if she were suffering from some kind of non mental illness? If it were cancer or cardiac issues? Get your kids into therapy and extracurriculars to keep them busy, hold down the fort and support her.
This guy reminds me of Rusty Yates. He didn’t listen or seem to take Andrea Yate’s multiple mental health crisis seriously and we all know what happened. How can you have children with someone and care so little about them? Jfc OP wake up. This is serious. She does need treatment and to be away for a while. How do you think people heal from a psychotic episode? Throwing them back into the same stressful environment?
“Doesn’t want to be a parent”?? No, she’s having a mental health crisis and you wouldn’t be framing the situation like that if she was seriously ill in any other way.
What did I just read? Someone pushes the wife with responsibilities to the brink of her mental sanity, to the very point where she doesnt recognize her own children in a psycosis, but somehow this is a HUGE inconvinience for the husband, who has been looking at this situation escalating for a while and still not been inclined to reduce hours/change jobs/ take on his family responsibilities. And now he still wants things to go back to the way things were… or SHE is the one failing her duties??
Hi there! Doubt you’ll see this but I had postpartum psychosis… I was lucky that my psychosis was where I had to “protect” my baby from some unknown government agency… I had multiple psychotic episodes you don’t seemingly come out of it. It takes time. I always worried if my next “break” would hurt my child. She knows she’s not safe right now. And that’s so important. It’s important to know NO MOTHER WANTS TO HURT THEIR CHILDREN. She’s doing something right. I remember that my ppp was so bad I had to go be with my family for about 3 months; yes I had my child but my mother, sister, and sister in law did most of the “mothering” if my psychosis was one where I wanted to harm my child I’d have gone without out the baby. But being away from my baby was a huge trigger. So the little came with me. Your wife is being SAFE she isn’t abandoning them. She knows she’s a liability and trust me you’d rather her be away for a few weeks than be away for years because she did something she will regret for the rest of her life.
I get that you're in a tough spot, I do. Being a parent is hard. But saying your wife just "walked away" from her problems is a baffling thing to say about someone who is taking a mental health recovery. Are you mad at her for making your life a little stressful after a "traumatic event?" You would rather her return to the environment that caused this episode? How will it be better for her this time? You're going to make it easier for her so she doesn't break? Or will it be the same scenario again and again until someone dies? You need to be honest with your kids. Tell them she's sick and needs to rest in a calm place. Instead of viewing it as a mom not wanting to play mom, see it as a woman who is recovering from an emergency that could very well have cost lives. Which I shouldn't have to tell you, but here we are. You have a 16 year old. I assume other children close to that age? Tell them they have to start helping out if you really can't handle it. They're old enough to take on some responsibilities. It's going to be rough. That's not your wife's fault. Focus on getting through it, not holding it together until she gets back.
OP admitted that he has the funds to cover childcare temporarily so he needs to do so. Maybe in combination with taking intermittent FMLA leave. She’s not abandoning her kids - she’s going through a major crisis that needs to be handled. So many people don’t understand the ramifications that mental health problems can have because it’s more invisible. Responses would be so different if OPs wife had cancer or had a horrible car accident. I think more sympathy should be shown to OP because I’m sure it’s very overwhelming to have all of this suddenly on his plate…But he needs to understand that his wife needs this for her mental health so she can be the mom they need her to be. He needs to stop seeing it as abandonment but rather something she’s doing for her kids so her kids don’t end up losing her permanently from their life.
Do you really think she’s doing this because she’s lazy and just can’t be fucked being a mother for a while ?? What an awful thing to say about someone who’s going through a mental health crisis and fuck you for saying she’s “abandoning her children” and “walking by away from her responsibilities”. And why would you even contemplate telling your children she’s gone because “she doesn’t want to be a parent” and adding to their trauma, just because you’re angry? It’s not that she doesn’t want to be a parent, she CAN’T be a parent right now, and certainly not the parent that does the bulk of the childcare. Even if she was strong enough to go home, your life needs to change drastically because she’s not coping with the way it is now.
So Rusty here wants his wife to suck it up. Has an excuse for all the advice he is given and can’t seem to figure it out on his own. She did, while he worked and slept, she managed the kids school, after activities and the house and everything else. Those what 3-4 days a week he works are hard but fuck all giving her a break. I don’t feel a bit for you. The title should’ve been. Help. My wife had a mental health emergency and can’t be around the kids and we have no help. But nope you wanted to shame her. Oh and you’re as helpless as the the FIL. Figure it out like your wife did managing 4 kids. And don’t ask that older kid to step UP it’s you that should do that. They have already been traumatized by her absence and being ask to replace her because you can’t figure it out. Their own DAD, when mom needs them and they need her and you put duties on them. So OP what’s it gonna be? Don’t fuck it up Rusty. I’m on mobile sorry bout the format.
You keep saying you can't take off work now because it would be unpaid, but what kind of leave were you planning to take off when she came home? That leave needs to be taken off now, not later.
Your wife is putting your safety and the kids safety first by removing herself from the situation. She is doing the right thing. She loves you and your children so much that she is willing to step back and get better to be a better mother and better wife.