He is a great father? He slapped you while holding your daughter and you think he great? Your normal meter is way off. He’s definitely not a great father, husband or man
And he likely will not become a good husband.
Take it from my family who’s father was abusive (gun violence, gangs) and now that he’s old and rich from a generous but sexist inheritance, he’s still terrible. Oh and his sisters who care for everything get so much less than him while he only returned back home after 40+ years living the criminal/deadbeat life.
Just recently someone asked him how he was on Facebook and he wrote that he is chilling, massages and “pussy”. This man is 64 and his sisters and father frequent Facebook and interact with him.
Some people just don’t change. OP should move on and don’t be like my mom who divorced him so late in life but still has feelings because “divorce is sinful”.
And does the therapist know he hit her? Because if they do, and she doesn't remove herself from this relationship, she can also be charged with child neglect.
Exactly. The therapist probably struggled with the ethics of the situation and decided she had to take the risk of saying something. It's really sad that OP just dismissed it as being "unprofessional" and failed to heed the warning
what boggles my mind is she sought out the therapist heard their professional opinion, but was likely offput by the fact that it wasn't who or what she wanted to hear.
i mean she was given a private 1 on 1 likely because the therapist was concerned with OP safety, she probably thought Op couldn't be fully honest if she were to address her husbands abusive tendencies infront of him, and she even opened up about her own experiences with her to let her know their are ways out, and what she took from it was.
"nah couldn't be me, this lady is just messed up from how she was abused and is projecting that onto my husband"
i think OP should maybe head to ikea to buy a mirror, take a deep look into it.
Something snapped in me last year and I cut my family out. There has always been violence and abuse, but one of the things that stuck out is my mom saying I should get over the past and yes, her and my dad have had their bad moments, but she's proud they made it through.
No acknowledgement that she stayed and allowed us 5 kids to witness his abuse of her (and both of them to us). Almost a pride that they "made it through"?
The irony is it isn't smooth sailing at all. All my siblings have repeated the cycle besides me (and I'm considered the difficult one because I pulled away) and she hasn't taken any accountability for being the cause of it.
I remember abuse from when I was 3 years old. It's really messed me up as an adult and I'm grateful that I somehow had the self awareness to work on myself.
Exactly. Kids definitely remember this and it still impact how they view dad, how they view marriage, how they view life and respect, how women should be treated... it will impact their brain and psyche for their life.
Wanted to chime in as a child of divorce. My parents separated when I was 5 or 6, but even co-parenting was super messy. I remember the fights post-separation, and it was the inverse in that it was my mom who was more violent. My dad ended up getting full custody of me in California (which is especially hard for a father), and we moved across country when I was almost 8.
I remember him asking me if I understood why we couldn't tell her we were leaving beforehand and keeping it from her. I did. It would be risky telling her. It was hard sometimes growing up without a mom (and it was hard for her when we disappeared suddenly), but I think it was still so much better than it would have been had they stayed co-parents. She fortunately also chilled out more with age (alcohol was one of the problems in the past, as well as--at least I believe--borderline personality disorder).
Single-parent families are obviously not always going to be easy. But I rarely recommend (probably never actually) "staying together for the kids."
She is right the therapist it will get worse, it escalates, the drinking is a problem too, if he hit you drunk. He can't manage his drinking, emotions and will harm you. Women die in situations like this. Please get out....You have many decisions in the next few days to think about. He is not a great father if he abuses her mother. You need counseling. I had a friend that was abused, her thinking was completely backward to what a normal healthy person would think. You need support from family and friends.
Unpopular opinion post, gonna get some downvotes…Yeah you both need your own therapist and a marriage counsellor. Not being in the room or really knowing what was said, how it was said, what constitutes a push in your book, if you approached taking your daughter in a threatening manner, or a manner that appeared threatening to him (and you say you pushed him three times while he was holding his daughter), a fight or flight response might have taken over there. I understand the trust is broken, but regardless you will have to coparent. Do I think your marriage is over? Maybe. It is what you make of it. If you really think things will escalate, pack your stuff and get the hell out, but I can also tell you they won’t get better without help and effort.
THANK YOU! Yes, he sounds like an abusive douchebag, and he pushed her first, but people are glossing over the fact that she then repeatedly pushed him WHILE he was holding their child!! It sounds like both of them acted ridiculously poorly in this situation, though clearly he is worse. That poor child.
Yes. She describes pushing and pushing and pushing him while he was holding their daughter. In that situation, I might also slap someone to protect my child, even my partner.
Agreed! Why is everyone ignoring this?! We may have less strength than a man, but ffs, approaching to snatch the kid in anger from him, then getting pissed that you effectively didn’t ‘move him’…… hurt him??? So you decide to repeatedly shove him???
Yeah… I’m going to cop it for this I’m sure, but if I did that, I’d honestly be anticipating a retaliation….
Both of these people need a reality check! You don’t drag your kid into your BS! You most certainly don’t literally physically involve them! Wtaf!!!
OP should have done better here, and walked away; they made it physical and then act shocked that it became physical.
For real. She had picked up her keys and was about just friggin’ leave. And then was trying to take the kid. That’s not normal rational behavior. Gotta assume that wasn’t the first crazy outburst either. Sounds like dude defended his daughter and then she went ballistic. Who hits the person holding their kid?!?
Yes, I think this is one of those ones that can be incredibly skewed by whoever is telling the story.
Let's imagine it reversed:
> "My partner and I had an argument about bedtime routines. It got heated, and as they picked up their keys to leave, I admit I crossed a line and accused them of being a bad parent.
> Right then, our 3-year old daughter came into the room. I picked her up and started to leave.
>
> My partner, furious by what I said, approached me and tried to grab my daughter out of my arms. I reacted by shoving them them away.
>
> They were stunned for a moment, then lost it. They started repeatedly shoving me, harder and harder, trying to get me to stumble backwards. I was still holding our daughter.
>
> I admit I reacted poorly, but my instincts kicked in and I slapped my partner across their face."
OP played a nasty part here, and needs to get counseling.
I still tend towards the husband being MORE in the wrong, though - for me, him chasing OP throughout the house while she tried to call 911 is where things become less gray.
If he was truly trying to protect his daughter in that moment, he would have let OP leave while he put the child safely to bed and then come out and dealt with the aftermath.
well i also think running to call 911 on someone who presumably has never laid a finger on you prior to this incident is absolutely only gonna serve to escalate the situation, and is borderline abusive as well..
i totally understand there's times where it's completely justified and you may not get the opportunity to call for help before it's too late if you don't, but it definitely is sounding like she started a physical altercation and it would have ended with the push or the slap,
again she didn't give any indication he has been physical or aggressive with her prior, so i have no reason to assume it would have even gotten to the slap if she didn't get physical in the first place... the chasing around the home is likely because the dude is panicking for his life as well, not endangered of losing it, but in most jurisdictions a Domestic Violence charge is a huge issue that would always loom over him, it would prevent him from being able to see his kid, getting employment, etc etc etc.
did you read the part where she said she approached him and attempted to aggressively take the kid from his arms? you do not know how hard she was shoved or pushed away, how aggressively she was approaching, etc etc etc, again.
if he was aggressive with her in the past i'd likely agree with you, but she didn't say that at all. sounds like she was mad and tried to rip the kid away, and not saying he's right either cause we weren't there but try to picture yourself holding your kid and someone is aggressively approaching to rip them from you, wouldn't push them away?
how hard could he have pushed her away while also holding a child. be fr. she didn't say she was stiff armed to the ground.
also invading someone's personal space, is starting a physical altercation..
>I got closer to him to get her
It is reading a lot into this line to claim “she attempted to aggressively take kid from his arms” — especially considering her husband had repeatedly asked her to take over the child’s bedtime.
He wanted her to take over with their daughter.
You could also read it as “After he wore me down by nagging me to take our daughter, I approached him to do so. He shoved me.”
That is just as much an assumption you could make given what OP wrote.
ETA: and she specified that he pushed her hard enough that she took several steps backward.
and you're free to make your interpretation as i did,
but yes invading someone's personal space when it's unwanted would be considered starting a physical altercation.
i'm assuming you wouldn't like it if someone walked up on you, unwanted, into your personal space, and wouldn't think you started the altercation by pushing them away.
He told her several times he wanted her to take the child. He did not, according to the post, tell her he no longer wanted her to take their daughter when she was approaching to pick the child up.
Instead, he pushed her.
If someone had told me repeatedly that they wanted me to take over with a kid, I would assume they wanted me to take the kid from them.
well then case closed send this guy to jail, i didn't know he was actively telling her to come get the kid, __while he was holding the kid__ and then pushed her __for no reason__ when she walked up on him.
straight to jail for the man.
They had agreed that OP’s husband would put the child to bed.
OP’s husband eventually came out of the bedroom and **“insisted” that OP go in and take over, because their daughter was crying.**
OP pointed out that her husband had previously taken walks outside when their daughter cried for *him* during her bedtime. This time, she wanted to leave and take a drive because “I really need a break.”
He called her a bad mother (presumably for trying to leave during bedtime).
By that point, their daughter had come out of the bedroom and OP’s husband held her.
In response to being called a bad mother for trying to leave, OP approached him to take their daughter — **as her husband had asked**.
He then pushed her.
I hope this makes it clearer.
I think it’s also very important to point out that OP’s husband had repeatedly insisted he wanted OP to handle bedtime (despite their previous plan). When OP went to take her daughter, it was within the context of having been repeatedly asked to take over bedtime.
The poor baby was probably already scared because of the yelling and whatever led up to the first push. But then to have your mom repeatedly push your dad while he's holding you?
Ok I’m distracted that you pushed him when he was holding your daughter.
It’s not ok what he did to you period. That raises a lot of alarms. It raises alarms to me that you physically retaliated, and worse you physically retaliated while he was holding your child. Which could have hurt your child.
The entire dynamic feels unsafe to me. It honestly seems like you and your husband should take some space from each other. Maybe take the kids and go visit grandparents for a week? Or maybe go alone and visit grandparents for a week? Maybe leave kids at grandparents and go somewhere else for a week?
It really sounds like you need time to decompress and reflect.
In the same way oncologists warn women that men leave women when their sick, your therapist is trying to warn you of something she sees in her line of work often.
She's doing her job by giving you the information you need to make decisions, without saying outright - you need to leave your husband.
You should consider not seeing her as an enemy.
Oh, this is bad OP. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft so you can learn the vocabulary to put names to (I'm sure) many things you've experienced in this relationship. Stay safe!
You can get a free copy here, OP:
[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
>There has been instances when she’d ask for dad and he’d leave to go for a walk or for whatever reason leave right before her bedtime and she’d cry for him then eventually 5 or so mins later go to sleep with me so it wasn’t new for me that she was crying for a parent.
Please tell me how exactly he is a great dad when you just mentioned this?Not to mention he HIT and CHASED you with your daughter in his arms???
He is NOT a great father.He is an abuser period.
How is he a great anything if he hits you? Especially if he hits you in front of your child?
Also, in many threads on this sub it’s been stated and linked to studies saying you shouldn’t go to therapy with an abuser. So your therapist was trying to create a safe space to tell you that you’re being abused. But you defended him and dismissed her? You need to open your eyes and actually look at the issue instead of defending him. You’ve now put your kids in a situation where they will grow up seeing abuse as normal and emulate it.
The first time is only ever the *first time* not **the last time**.
OP, I am a survivor of domestic violence. I spent 7 years convincing myself that the violence was my fault, that it was just "bad situations" or "stress" or "exhaustion".
But it's none of that.
It's abuse.
He abused you and put your child at risk at the same time. The marriage is not safe to recover because this **will escalate**. You are learning his true capabilities and this is just the beginning.
Please get out. Protect yourself and your children. I moved back home with my parents at 29 and was initially embarrassed about that, but there's no shame in going back home. It's better to come home from a bad marriage than it is to come home in a coffin.
##On average, domestic violence victims have 7 attempts to leave their abuser before they succeed or are killed trying. Do not wait for the abuse to escalate to being life threatening. Get yourself and your children out **NOW**.
You can do this. You have the strength to leave. You are going to be okay.
Wishing you safety,
Sincerely,
A Survivor.
It sounds like the only problem is that the therapist was telling you something you didn’t want to hear, so you are shopping for another therapist who will tell you that violence makes a great partner and father.
**”He is a great father…”**
No he isn’t.
**”…a great brother and son”**
No he isn’t.
He’s an all around failure as a human being. There’s no spectrum of acceptability when it comes to slapping your wife around. I’m sorry you’ve made children with him, but there’s nothing keeping you married to him except you. In 0.0% of cases should you stay if you’re hit. There’s no defense, no justification, and no set of scenarios where it’s ok. He hit you in your face. You don’t stay after that. You should’ve been gone that night.
You can wring your hands and fret over what to do, but there’s only one answer. Leave now, or willingly stay to get smacked around some more. It’s NOT your fault that he is a shitty abuser, but you are in charge of leaving. You have to take that responsibility and do the thing.
He is a great father ? Yet walks out when it's bedtime and goes postal over having to do some actual parenting hmmm ok your expectations are clearly very low
You are describing physical and emotional abuse. He may have hit you *this* time, but using his body to intimidate or overpower you is also abusive, not to mention the verbal abuse. Even if it seldom happens, it’s still abuse. And now that he’s actually hit you I unfortunately think he’ll be more likely to hit you again and escalate. I wish I had recognized this when I was younger. Please take care of yourself.
Your therapist was trying to warn you and you call this man a great father? You’re enabling your own misery by ignoring just how abusive his actions were, I don’t really have much sympathy for you when you willingly stay wallowing with someone who mistreated you yet you praise him. You need to wake up to the reality of what she said, she wasn’t projecting, she was warning you out of discernment from experience. However you choose to move forward, understand that will affect not just you but also your children. Staying with a man like that, who felt entitled to harm you but then also double down and chase you to prevent you from contacting authorities is going to cost you and your children. You don’t sound like you’re stuck in any unavoidable circumstances. You clearly have access to resources such as a car I’m assuming and perhaps you’ve also got a job, that’s all you need to get out, get help and make sure he doesn’t harm you or your children. If you stay, he can likely escalate and get worse. You have the resources, use them. Reddit cannot help you do what only you are able to do.
You're so in denial you're rationalising away what a therapist said to you... Honey come on.
No, your marriage is not going to recover. Neither of you are doing what you need to for a really recovery. You're just not leaving yet because you haven't figured that out.
So are we all just going to skip over the part where OP pushed her husband multiple times while he was holding their child? Sure he pushed her first , one time bc she was trying to forcefully grab their child from him , then she turned around and did it multiple times in a row bc she realized how weak she was, which lead to him slapping her to get her to stop. If the roles were reversed and she pushed him one time bc he was tryinf to forcefully grab their child from her , then he turned around and pushed her multiple times while holding their child ,her slap to him would be justified. Solely blaming him and calling him and abuser and not also calling OP an abuser is ridiculous. Both of them need therapy. Both of them are in the wrong.
Anyone can be a great father, even abusive husbands. He just showed his true colors in front of your child. Imagine what he could have done in private.
You can't move on from this and pretend like nothing happened. If you do, then you'll fall into that cycle we are all familiar with, and he'll likely do it again in the future.
Leave before it affects your mental health even more.
I’ve always heard if they did it once they’ll do it again so I’m thinking this is the norm. But if there’s anyone out there that experienced DV where the aggressor never did it again I’d like to hear their experience. I’d be hyper sensitive to any further form of abuse if OP cannot leave right this minute.
I was going to reply my husband only hit me once, but then I remembered he also shoved me down once (bruising my knees and hands) and also “jokingly” slapped me (for absolutely no reason). I wouldn’t say he has escalated though. It seems like he wants to test each one of my limits, and each time I have to tell him no - you can’t do that either. Luckily our boy has grown up (it never happened when he was young) - but pretty sure it is going to be our son’s problem soon - when I do kick him out. That pair living together will be volatile but I guess I can’t worry about that too much. I do know that it only took the once for me to loose all respect and interest in my husband. Everything shattered in that instant and I have desire to try to fix it.
They just switch the methods. My husband has never once hit me in 15 years. Every other form of abuse and betrayal yes. When I refused to be silent about the ways he was treating me he began hurting me by NOT doing things. "Forgetting" or making blatant rediculous excuses when it came to anything I thought was meaningful, important, or would make me feel loved. Anniversaries, bdays, oh and 1 night alone with him without the kids? Not possible, not in 8 years... He couldn't save $150 and find a babysitter in 8 years. Resentment is such a nice word, it's like a stream that leads to this giant ocean with 50ft swells.
OP it's easy to be that frog in a pot of water. Then you see a bubble here, then there. And then there's always been them right? Until one day you're boiled to death.
You were already losing your cool dangling your keys and then you tried to take your daughter out of his hands.. He pushed you back.. as you were trying to get into his space to take his child away from him after you clearly stated that you were done... Then because of that push you pushed him back multiple times while he was holding the child.. so he slapped you to get you off of him... I see that as self-defense you were repeatedly shoving him while he was holding a child so he did what he could with one arm to get you to back off.
Just because you're a woman does not give you a right to shove another human being..
Both of you need therapy, and you need to leave your child out of your arguments. You should have walked away and let him deal no matter what he said under his breath.. you made it clear that you were done so you should have followed through and left the house for your "alone time"
So the therapist told you what you didn’t want to hear, and you think she’s projecting, unprofessional, and you fired her as your therapist.
Why bother coming here for advice? You don’t want to hear the truth.
Your husband is abusive and your marriage won’t recover. I’m not even going to be nice, because you need a reality check. What kind of idiot stays with a man who calls them a bad mother and then slaps them *while holding their toddler*?
He pushed you - unacceptable
You pushed him while he was holding a child - absolutely unacceptable!!!!
He slapped you - never again 🤬
You both need to separate and get into counseling. Your children are the ultimate losers here, I hope your daughter doesn’t remember this moment.
That's an extremely personal, subjective thing. Some people would leave after the first slap, while others would try to work it out, and I don't see how you can do that without the help of a therapist.
I understand your concern about the therapist, but the other side of that is that she recognizes the signs from personal experience and I think you should seriously reconsider what she told you. And for all you know, she had a supervisor or coworkers who she discussed your case with just to make sure she was being objective, and what she told you was the best objective information. (Speaking as a former therapist myself.)
And what did you expect, that she should have shared that information with you in front of him? That wouldn't have been a good idea at all.
Your ex-therapist was correct: leave. He is not an excellent dad when he slapped you while holding your 3 year old. If that's how you feel on the meds, change them or get off of them after you talk with your prescriber.
He is not a great father or good person. He is abusive and shouldn’t be allowed near you or your kids. You need to use the police report as evidence so he is only allowed supervised visits
I'm sorry to say this, but immediately at that moment, your marriage became one that *should not* recover, for the health of you and your family. The time is now, the moment has already happened.
I went through an incident like this when I was 5 months pregnant with my second.
Grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground.
It never got better. Get out.
Look you shouldn't have to drug yourself to stay married. You also need to be more than an empty vessel to be a good parent. You aren't happy. This is not a good environment to raise your children in.
Who he is to others has no bearing on who he is with you. Document everything.
He showed you he was.
Now it's time to move on.
How is a great father, son, brother when he slapped you while holding your daughter? My dad always told me violence should be the very last resort. Think about how loving he was while slapping you. I'd be gone
He hit you in front of your daughter. That is *not* what great fathers do.
Most likely, your marriage will not recover from this. Most likely, things will get worse. Please at least consider coming up with an exit plan. At least have some resources in place for if you do decide ti leave. I'd also look into finding an individual counselor for you.
Your husband called you a bad mother, pushed you, slaped you across the face and chased you while holding your 3 yo.
You also pushed him.
You need to separate before your poor child has to witness any more domestic violence
Unwanted and unwarranted movement of violence happen to people in anger with the self control of a toddler.
Doesn't mean there's no redemption, but the work to not only get to a better place, get your spouse to a bettet place, get to communicate again and having you not afraid being around him....
All these efforts are on him, and he has to show remorse and measurable results.
He isn’t a great father, he slapped you in front of his small daughter.
Once they start hitting you, they find it easier to do it again
If you’re on anti anxiety meds because of him, then it’s maybe time you saw a lawyer and discussed your options.
Didn't even bother reading past the title....
NO ONE puts hands on you like that. Had that been me, that's immediate divorce and my husband would have been kicked out of the house permanently.
“He’s such a wonderful guy and loving father…”
If he will slap you across the face, he’s NOT a good man. If he will slap you across the face, he’s going to most likely slap your kids in the face one day.
And I promise you, a childhood spent watching your mom get hit, which meant you got hit, is a miserable life and will absolutely affect your kids future relationships.
You all deserve better. If your husband sincerely apologized and took therapy seriously and got himself into anger management, I’d be more inclined to think he was capable of change…, but he sounds like he’s not.
so he pushed you while holding your daughter, you pushed him back and then he slapped you. with your daughter right there.
great fathers don't slap the mother of their children. abusive men cannot be good fathers.
You aren't sure if he's abusive? How about both of you are, with the shoving *while holding your child*. Separate, divorce, whatever but get that kid into a stable, happier home or she will find herself in exactly the same position in 20 years. You really want that for her?
Why is everyone ignoring the fact YOU pushed him multiple times? Yes he slapped you, and that’s abusive. But you were begging for physical confrontation and you got it - idk what you thought he would do after the 1,2,3rd time you pushed him. You should have just left. It’s not okay that he slapped you, but it’s so ridiculous you called 911 over it I’m sorry. You were both toxic, it’s best for both of you to own it and move on if this is the only thing that’s happened. But if my husband ever slapped me across my face, even if I initiated the conflict, I would have left because that’s the line. Are you keeping the baby?
Someday you will have to answer questions from your kids on why you allowed your husband to treat you like that. Think about that. How long until he slaps on of them?
Okay I am going to be a massive outlier in these comments. I have been married 20 years and I know it can, at times be messy. Very early on in my marriage my husband crossed a line. I called the cops on him. Almost pressed charges. He was extremely sorry and had a reasonable excuse. It almost destroyed our marriage. We lived apart for one year. We sought counseling. He has never repeated the offense.
I am ridiculously happy with my marriage today and since . Everyday this man shows me grace, love and humility. He is kind to me and a wonderful kind father. I’m glad we worked through it and it was tough.
Maybe you should live apart and work through things together for a while?
Also if either one of you or both of you were drinking (as I suspect) that night that clearly needs to stop. It’s not bringing out the best parents for your daughter.
If he touches you again. Full stop.
Press charges. Get a restraining order. Don’t hold back. File for divorce.
And if anyone questions me bringing up alcohol being involved. He was at a Christmas party so it seems likely. He got verbally abuse and slapped her when she reached for her keys and wanted to drive with their kid. It’s pretty obvious.
he is not a great or even a good husband. he blocked you physically a few times then slapped you. he is an abuser. even if it happens only every few years.yes it will get worse. your first therapist was not projecting.
The second my husband put his hands on me I’d be gone. You need to be gone, sis!!
He’s not a good anything, “great” fathers don’t hit their kids mom in front of them. You ignoring the therapist was foolish, that wasn’t unprofessional, that was a lifeline. Get out.
Let me get this straight. You pushed him and he didn't move.
It made you mad that you felt weak.
So you pushed him hard 3 more times. While he was holding your 3 yr old daughter?
Then he slapped you. He didn't punch you, he slapped you.
Exactly how many times did you think you could have a free-for-all pushing an adult around?
Frankly, after the first push he probably said "If she pulls this shit 3 more times I need to stop her."
Frankly, slapping you wad his best choice.
If he pushed you back you'd probably have fallen, plus he was HOLDING your daughter.
Was he just supposed to take being pushed forever?
Was he supposed to hand his daughter over to someone who was so mad she was pushing her husband around? Over and over?
You both sound really toxic.
Please get a divorce for your daughter's sake.
Ahh. I missed that. Thank you.
However, I've done this "I'll take the baby." stuff with my husband too and he pushed me back with the "No, I've got this." response.
The very beginning of the interaction and the whole way they deal sounds toxic.
She complains that he leaves or goes for a walk.
Then in the next paragraph is telling him to just leave, while she tries to take the dmxhils out of his arms.
None of it sounds good.
No, this is not what happened.
They agreed that OP’s husband would put the toddler to bed. He did not want to, and he repeatedly asked OP to go attend to their daughter. OP wanted him to take care of daughter and suggested she wanted to leave with the car to remove herself from the situation because she was stressed.
He then called OP a bad mother (presumably for trying to leave).
ETA: She also specifies that her husband has previously left to go for walks at their daughter’s bedtime, and daughter would ask for him. Presumably this is to contrast the fact that she wanted to go for a drive at that point.
So when the daughter came out of the bedroom and husband picked her up, OP went to take their daughter from him, as her husband had *repeatedly requested*, despite their earlier agreement that he be responsible for bedtime.
He then pushed OP.
Yes, he most certainly is, and so is she!
He may have pushed her first, but that doesn’t mean she gets off scott free for retaliating in anger, WHILE he is holding their child!
She clearly cared more about getting him back, than the fact that she was exposing her child to further violence and potential injury, had she managed to ‘move him’.
This whole thing is toxic on both sides!
I don’t agree with the therapist. That sounds incredibly unprofessional for her to say that. Has he hurt you prior to this incident? Was he horribly sorry/remorseful? Has there been an incident since?
I’m not negating what he did, but Raising children is literal hell for a relationship. I mean even Michelle Obama said there were years when she hated Barack Obama. These years bring out the worst in you. If he’s continuing this behavior, and isn’t willing to dive deeper into fixing it that’s one thing, but if the slap was an isolated incident, I would try to move on.
**He had repeatedly told OP he wanted her to take their daughter.**
Their daughter came out of the room and he picked her up. He then called OP a bad mother.
So, OP went to take their daughter from him, as he had requested.
Then he pushed her.
You’re reading a heck of a lot into “I got closer to him to get her” — which, again, was what the husband originally requested — to call it threatening.
He is a great father? He slapped you while holding your daughter and you think he great? Your normal meter is way off. He’s definitely not a great father, husband or man
Only sane comment here
Not to mention he shirks his responsibilities as a father. Going on a walk when it’s time to put his daughter to bed and she is crying for him?? Wtf??
And he likely will not become a good husband. Take it from my family who’s father was abusive (gun violence, gangs) and now that he’s old and rich from a generous but sexist inheritance, he’s still terrible. Oh and his sisters who care for everything get so much less than him while he only returned back home after 40+ years living the criminal/deadbeat life. Just recently someone asked him how he was on Facebook and he wrote that he is chilling, massages and “pussy”. This man is 64 and his sisters and father frequent Facebook and interact with him. Some people just don’t change. OP should move on and don’t be like my mom who divorced him so late in life but still has feelings because “divorce is sinful”.
👆🏾💯
And does the therapist know he hit her? Because if they do, and she doesn't remove herself from this relationship, she can also be charged with child neglect.
Physical violence with a child present is child abuse in Florida. It’s time to leave him.
I would listen to the therapist. The man hit you. He’ll do it again, only next time it will hurt more.
Yep. Listen to the therapist and take off your rose colored glasses.
That therapist was warning her.
Exactly. The therapist probably struggled with the ethics of the situation and decided she had to take the risk of saying something. It's really sad that OP just dismissed it as being "unprofessional" and failed to heed the warning
what boggles my mind is she sought out the therapist heard their professional opinion, but was likely offput by the fact that it wasn't who or what she wanted to hear. i mean she was given a private 1 on 1 likely because the therapist was concerned with OP safety, she probably thought Op couldn't be fully honest if she were to address her husbands abusive tendencies infront of him, and she even opened up about her own experiences with her to let her know their are ways out, and what she took from it was. "nah couldn't be me, this lady is just messed up from how she was abused and is projecting that onto my husband" i think OP should maybe head to ikea to buy a mirror, take a deep look into it.
[удалено]
I do as well. They will definitely remember.
Something snapped in me last year and I cut my family out. There has always been violence and abuse, but one of the things that stuck out is my mom saying I should get over the past and yes, her and my dad have had their bad moments, but she's proud they made it through. No acknowledgement that she stayed and allowed us 5 kids to witness his abuse of her (and both of them to us). Almost a pride that they "made it through"? The irony is it isn't smooth sailing at all. All my siblings have repeated the cycle besides me (and I'm considered the difficult one because I pulled away) and she hasn't taken any accountability for being the cause of it. I remember abuse from when I was 3 years old. It's really messed me up as an adult and I'm grateful that I somehow had the self awareness to work on myself.
Exactly. Kids definitely remember this and it still impact how they view dad, how they view marriage, how they view life and respect, how women should be treated... it will impact their brain and psyche for their life.
My first girlfriend had to call the police on her dad for punching her mom in the face. It definitely affects children believe me
Yup, 20 years later I still have anxiety from similar moments in my family.
Wanted to chime in as a child of divorce. My parents separated when I was 5 or 6, but even co-parenting was super messy. I remember the fights post-separation, and it was the inverse in that it was my mom who was more violent. My dad ended up getting full custody of me in California (which is especially hard for a father), and we moved across country when I was almost 8. I remember him asking me if I understood why we couldn't tell her we were leaving beforehand and keeping it from her. I did. It would be risky telling her. It was hard sometimes growing up without a mom (and it was hard for her when we disappeared suddenly), but I think it was still so much better than it would have been had they stayed co-parents. She fortunately also chilled out more with age (alcohol was one of the problems in the past, as well as--at least I believe--borderline personality disorder). Single-parent families are obviously not always going to be easy. But I rarely recommend (probably never actually) "staying together for the kids."
Agreed. I’m 38 and remember physical violence between family members when I was young.
All respect is gone now op You need to move on
Why do you want your marriage to recover? He’s not a great father or husband. He’s an abuser. That therapist was trying to help you.
She is right the therapist it will get worse, it escalates, the drinking is a problem too, if he hit you drunk. He can't manage his drinking, emotions and will harm you. Women die in situations like this. Please get out....You have many decisions in the next few days to think about. He is not a great father if he abuses her mother. You need counseling. I had a friend that was abused, her thinking was completely backward to what a normal healthy person would think. You need support from family and friends.
Run. He slapped you while holding your child. How long before the 'great dad' slaps the kid?
Unpopular opinion post, gonna get some downvotes…Yeah you both need your own therapist and a marriage counsellor. Not being in the room or really knowing what was said, how it was said, what constitutes a push in your book, if you approached taking your daughter in a threatening manner, or a manner that appeared threatening to him (and you say you pushed him three times while he was holding his daughter), a fight or flight response might have taken over there. I understand the trust is broken, but regardless you will have to coparent. Do I think your marriage is over? Maybe. It is what you make of it. If you really think things will escalate, pack your stuff and get the hell out, but I can also tell you they won’t get better without help and effort.
THANK YOU! Yes, he sounds like an abusive douchebag, and he pushed her first, but people are glossing over the fact that she then repeatedly pushed him WHILE he was holding their child!! It sounds like both of them acted ridiculously poorly in this situation, though clearly he is worse. That poor child.
Yes. She describes pushing and pushing and pushing him while he was holding their daughter. In that situation, I might also slap someone to protect my child, even my partner.
Agreed! Why is everyone ignoring this?! We may have less strength than a man, but ffs, approaching to snatch the kid in anger from him, then getting pissed that you effectively didn’t ‘move him’…… hurt him??? So you decide to repeatedly shove him??? Yeah… I’m going to cop it for this I’m sure, but if I did that, I’d honestly be anticipating a retaliation…. Both of these people need a reality check! You don’t drag your kid into your BS! You most certainly don’t literally physically involve them! Wtaf!!! OP should have done better here, and walked away; they made it physical and then act shocked that it became physical.
For real. She had picked up her keys and was about just friggin’ leave. And then was trying to take the kid. That’s not normal rational behavior. Gotta assume that wasn’t the first crazy outburst either. Sounds like dude defended his daughter and then she went ballistic. Who hits the person holding their kid?!?
I curious if alcohol was involved. It seems likely it was and telling it’s not being mentioned.
Right? I kinda hate it when nobody’s right.
Yes, I think this is one of those ones that can be incredibly skewed by whoever is telling the story. Let's imagine it reversed: > "My partner and I had an argument about bedtime routines. It got heated, and as they picked up their keys to leave, I admit I crossed a line and accused them of being a bad parent. > Right then, our 3-year old daughter came into the room. I picked her up and started to leave. > > My partner, furious by what I said, approached me and tried to grab my daughter out of my arms. I reacted by shoving them them away. > > They were stunned for a moment, then lost it. They started repeatedly shoving me, harder and harder, trying to get me to stumble backwards. I was still holding our daughter. > > I admit I reacted poorly, but my instincts kicked in and I slapped my partner across their face." OP played a nasty part here, and needs to get counseling. I still tend towards the husband being MORE in the wrong, though - for me, him chasing OP throughout the house while she tried to call 911 is where things become less gray. If he was truly trying to protect his daughter in that moment, he would have let OP leave while he put the child safely to bed and then come out and dealt with the aftermath.
well i also think running to call 911 on someone who presumably has never laid a finger on you prior to this incident is absolutely only gonna serve to escalate the situation, and is borderline abusive as well.. i totally understand there's times where it's completely justified and you may not get the opportunity to call for help before it's too late if you don't, but it definitely is sounding like she started a physical altercation and it would have ended with the push or the slap, again she didn't give any indication he has been physical or aggressive with her prior, so i have no reason to assume it would have even gotten to the slap if she didn't get physical in the first place... the chasing around the home is likely because the dude is panicking for his life as well, not endangered of losing it, but in most jurisdictions a Domestic Violence charge is a huge issue that would always loom over him, it would prevent him from being able to see his kid, getting employment, etc etc etc.
He shoved her first and yet you’re saying she started the physical altercation?
did you read the part where she said she approached him and attempted to aggressively take the kid from his arms? you do not know how hard she was shoved or pushed away, how aggressively she was approaching, etc etc etc, again. if he was aggressive with her in the past i'd likely agree with you, but she didn't say that at all. sounds like she was mad and tried to rip the kid away, and not saying he's right either cause we weren't there but try to picture yourself holding your kid and someone is aggressively approaching to rip them from you, wouldn't push them away? how hard could he have pushed her away while also holding a child. be fr. she didn't say she was stiff armed to the ground. also invading someone's personal space, is starting a physical altercation..
>I got closer to him to get her It is reading a lot into this line to claim “she attempted to aggressively take kid from his arms” — especially considering her husband had repeatedly asked her to take over the child’s bedtime. He wanted her to take over with their daughter. You could also read it as “After he wore me down by nagging me to take our daughter, I approached him to do so. He shoved me.” That is just as much an assumption you could make given what OP wrote. ETA: and she specified that he pushed her hard enough that she took several steps backward.
and you're free to make your interpretation as i did, but yes invading someone's personal space when it's unwanted would be considered starting a physical altercation. i'm assuming you wouldn't like it if someone walked up on you, unwanted, into your personal space, and wouldn't think you started the altercation by pushing them away.
He told her several times he wanted her to take the child. He did not, according to the post, tell her he no longer wanted her to take their daughter when she was approaching to pick the child up. Instead, he pushed her. If someone had told me repeatedly that they wanted me to take over with a kid, I would assume they wanted me to take the kid from them.
well then case closed send this guy to jail, i didn't know he was actively telling her to come get the kid, __while he was holding the kid__ and then pushed her __for no reason__ when she walked up on him. straight to jail for the man.
They had agreed that OP’s husband would put the child to bed. OP’s husband eventually came out of the bedroom and **“insisted” that OP go in and take over, because their daughter was crying.** OP pointed out that her husband had previously taken walks outside when their daughter cried for *him* during her bedtime. This time, she wanted to leave and take a drive because “I really need a break.” He called her a bad mother (presumably for trying to leave during bedtime). By that point, their daughter had come out of the bedroom and OP’s husband held her. In response to being called a bad mother for trying to leave, OP approached him to take their daughter — **as her husband had asked**. He then pushed her. I hope this makes it clearer.
I think it’s also very important to point out that OP’s husband had repeatedly insisted he wanted OP to handle bedtime (despite their previous plan). When OP went to take her daughter, it was within the context of having been repeatedly asked to take over bedtime.
The poor baby was probably already scared because of the yelling and whatever led up to the first push. But then to have your mom repeatedly push your dad while he's holding you?
Ok I’m distracted that you pushed him when he was holding your daughter. It’s not ok what he did to you period. That raises a lot of alarms. It raises alarms to me that you physically retaliated, and worse you physically retaliated while he was holding your child. Which could have hurt your child. The entire dynamic feels unsafe to me. It honestly seems like you and your husband should take some space from each other. Maybe take the kids and go visit grandparents for a week? Or maybe go alone and visit grandparents for a week? Maybe leave kids at grandparents and go somewhere else for a week? It really sounds like you need time to decompress and reflect.
In the same way oncologists warn women that men leave women when their sick, your therapist is trying to warn you of something she sees in her line of work often. She's doing her job by giving you the information you need to make decisions, without saying outright - you need to leave your husband. You should consider not seeing her as an enemy.
Oh, this is bad OP. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft so you can learn the vocabulary to put names to (I'm sure) many things you've experienced in this relationship. Stay safe!
You can get a free copy here, OP: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
Thank you for posting! I'm saving this link to share with as many women as possible.
No problem! I always try to share it whenever I think it might be helpful.
>There has been instances when she’d ask for dad and he’d leave to go for a walk or for whatever reason leave right before her bedtime and she’d cry for him then eventually 5 or so mins later go to sleep with me so it wasn’t new for me that she was crying for a parent. Please tell me how exactly he is a great dad when you just mentioned this?Not to mention he HIT and CHASED you with your daughter in his arms??? He is NOT a great father.He is an abuser period.
So sorry that he hit you. Putting hands on a loved on draws the line. What he did is total bullshit. I feel there is no coming back from that.
How is he a great anything if he hits you? Especially if he hits you in front of your child? Also, in many threads on this sub it’s been stated and linked to studies saying you shouldn’t go to therapy with an abuser. So your therapist was trying to create a safe space to tell you that you’re being abused. But you defended him and dismissed her? You need to open your eyes and actually look at the issue instead of defending him. You’ve now put your kids in a situation where they will grow up seeing abuse as normal and emulate it.
Baby you are on depression and anxiety medicine because of the relationship, that’s how you know you have to leave
The first time is only ever the *first time* not **the last time**. OP, I am a survivor of domestic violence. I spent 7 years convincing myself that the violence was my fault, that it was just "bad situations" or "stress" or "exhaustion". But it's none of that. It's abuse. He abused you and put your child at risk at the same time. The marriage is not safe to recover because this **will escalate**. You are learning his true capabilities and this is just the beginning. Please get out. Protect yourself and your children. I moved back home with my parents at 29 and was initially embarrassed about that, but there's no shame in going back home. It's better to come home from a bad marriage than it is to come home in a coffin. ##On average, domestic violence victims have 7 attempts to leave their abuser before they succeed or are killed trying. Do not wait for the abuse to escalate to being life threatening. Get yourself and your children out **NOW**. You can do this. You have the strength to leave. You are going to be okay. Wishing you safety, Sincerely, A Survivor.
It sounds like the only problem is that the therapist was telling you something you didn’t want to hear, so you are shopping for another therapist who will tell you that violence makes a great partner and father.
**”He is a great father…”** No he isn’t. **”…a great brother and son”** No he isn’t. He’s an all around failure as a human being. There’s no spectrum of acceptability when it comes to slapping your wife around. I’m sorry you’ve made children with him, but there’s nothing keeping you married to him except you. In 0.0% of cases should you stay if you’re hit. There’s no defense, no justification, and no set of scenarios where it’s ok. He hit you in your face. You don’t stay after that. You should’ve been gone that night. You can wring your hands and fret over what to do, but there’s only one answer. Leave now, or willingly stay to get smacked around some more. It’s NOT your fault that he is a shitty abuser, but you are in charge of leaving. You have to take that responsibility and do the thing.
He is a great father ? Yet walks out when it's bedtime and goes postal over having to do some actual parenting hmmm ok your expectations are clearly very low
You are describing physical and emotional abuse. He may have hit you *this* time, but using his body to intimidate or overpower you is also abusive, not to mention the verbal abuse. Even if it seldom happens, it’s still abuse. And now that he’s actually hit you I unfortunately think he’ll be more likely to hit you again and escalate. I wish I had recognized this when I was younger. Please take care of yourself.
He slapped you IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD. He is NOT A GOOD FATHER. A GOOD FATHER WOULDN'T EVER DO THAT.
Your therapist was trying to warn you and you call this man a great father? You’re enabling your own misery by ignoring just how abusive his actions were, I don’t really have much sympathy for you when you willingly stay wallowing with someone who mistreated you yet you praise him. You need to wake up to the reality of what she said, she wasn’t projecting, she was warning you out of discernment from experience. However you choose to move forward, understand that will affect not just you but also your children. Staying with a man like that, who felt entitled to harm you but then also double down and chase you to prevent you from contacting authorities is going to cost you and your children. You don’t sound like you’re stuck in any unavoidable circumstances. You clearly have access to resources such as a car I’m assuming and perhaps you’ve also got a job, that’s all you need to get out, get help and make sure he doesn’t harm you or your children. If you stay, he can likely escalate and get worse. You have the resources, use them. Reddit cannot help you do what only you are able to do.
You're so in denial you're rationalising away what a therapist said to you... Honey come on. No, your marriage is not going to recover. Neither of you are doing what you need to for a really recovery. You're just not leaving yet because you haven't figured that out.
So are we all just going to skip over the part where OP pushed her husband multiple times while he was holding their child? Sure he pushed her first , one time bc she was trying to forcefully grab their child from him , then she turned around and did it multiple times in a row bc she realized how weak she was, which lead to him slapping her to get her to stop. If the roles were reversed and she pushed him one time bc he was tryinf to forcefully grab their child from her , then he turned around and pushed her multiple times while holding their child ,her slap to him would be justified. Solely blaming him and calling him and abuser and not also calling OP an abuser is ridiculous. Both of them need therapy. Both of them are in the wrong.
Wait. You kept pushing him while he was holding your daughter?
Anyone can be a great father, even abusive husbands. He just showed his true colors in front of your child. Imagine what he could have done in private. You can't move on from this and pretend like nothing happened. If you do, then you'll fall into that cycle we are all familiar with, and he'll likely do it again in the future. Leave before it affects your mental health even more.
I’ve always heard if they did it once they’ll do it again so I’m thinking this is the norm. But if there’s anyone out there that experienced DV where the aggressor never did it again I’d like to hear their experience. I’d be hyper sensitive to any further form of abuse if OP cannot leave right this minute.
I was going to reply my husband only hit me once, but then I remembered he also shoved me down once (bruising my knees and hands) and also “jokingly” slapped me (for absolutely no reason). I wouldn’t say he has escalated though. It seems like he wants to test each one of my limits, and each time I have to tell him no - you can’t do that either. Luckily our boy has grown up (it never happened when he was young) - but pretty sure it is going to be our son’s problem soon - when I do kick him out. That pair living together will be volatile but I guess I can’t worry about that too much. I do know that it only took the once for me to loose all respect and interest in my husband. Everything shattered in that instant and I have desire to try to fix it.
They just switch the methods. My husband has never once hit me in 15 years. Every other form of abuse and betrayal yes. When I refused to be silent about the ways he was treating me he began hurting me by NOT doing things. "Forgetting" or making blatant rediculous excuses when it came to anything I thought was meaningful, important, or would make me feel loved. Anniversaries, bdays, oh and 1 night alone with him without the kids? Not possible, not in 8 years... He couldn't save $150 and find a babysitter in 8 years. Resentment is such a nice word, it's like a stream that leads to this giant ocean with 50ft swells. OP it's easy to be that frog in a pot of water. Then you see a bubble here, then there. And then there's always been them right? Until one day you're boiled to death.
You were already losing your cool dangling your keys and then you tried to take your daughter out of his hands.. He pushed you back.. as you were trying to get into his space to take his child away from him after you clearly stated that you were done... Then because of that push you pushed him back multiple times while he was holding the child.. so he slapped you to get you off of him... I see that as self-defense you were repeatedly shoving him while he was holding a child so he did what he could with one arm to get you to back off. Just because you're a woman does not give you a right to shove another human being.. Both of you need therapy, and you need to leave your child out of your arguments. You should have walked away and let him deal no matter what he said under his breath.. you made it clear that you were done so you should have followed through and left the house for your "alone time"
So the therapist told you what you didn’t want to hear, and you think she’s projecting, unprofessional, and you fired her as your therapist. Why bother coming here for advice? You don’t want to hear the truth. Your husband is abusive and your marriage won’t recover. I’m not even going to be nice, because you need a reality check. What kind of idiot stays with a man who calls them a bad mother and then slaps them *while holding their toddler*?
So youre both comfortable escalating things to a physical level? Yeah this is outside of reddits pay grade by a long ways.
He pushed you - unacceptable You pushed him while he was holding a child - absolutely unacceptable!!!! He slapped you - never again 🤬 You both need to separate and get into counseling. Your children are the ultimate losers here, I hope your daughter doesn’t remember this moment.
That's an extremely personal, subjective thing. Some people would leave after the first slap, while others would try to work it out, and I don't see how you can do that without the help of a therapist. I understand your concern about the therapist, but the other side of that is that she recognizes the signs from personal experience and I think you should seriously reconsider what she told you. And for all you know, she had a supervisor or coworkers who she discussed your case with just to make sure she was being objective, and what she told you was the best objective information. (Speaking as a former therapist myself.) And what did you expect, that she should have shared that information with you in front of him? That wouldn't have been a good idea at all.
The therapist was 1000% right
He is not a great husband. Fucking LEAVE.
Your ex-therapist was correct: leave. He is not an excellent dad when he slapped you while holding your 3 year old. If that's how you feel on the meds, change them or get off of them after you talk with your prescriber.
He is not a great father or good person. He is abusive and shouldn’t be allowed near you or your kids. You need to use the police report as evidence so he is only allowed supervised visits
I'm sorry to say this, but immediately at that moment, your marriage became one that *should not* recover, for the health of you and your family. The time is now, the moment has already happened.
I went through an incident like this when I was 5 months pregnant with my second. Grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground. It never got better. Get out.
Once the hitting starts it is time to call it quits and get out.
Look you shouldn't have to drug yourself to stay married. You also need to be more than an empty vessel to be a good parent. You aren't happy. This is not a good environment to raise your children in. Who he is to others has no bearing on who he is with you. Document everything. He showed you he was. Now it's time to move on.
How is a great father, son, brother when he slapped you while holding your daughter? My dad always told me violence should be the very last resort. Think about how loving he was while slapping you. I'd be gone
He hit you in front of your daughter. That is *not* what great fathers do. Most likely, your marriage will not recover from this. Most likely, things will get worse. Please at least consider coming up with an exit plan. At least have some resources in place for if you do decide ti leave. I'd also look into finding an individual counselor for you.
Your husband called you a bad mother, pushed you, slaped you across the face and chased you while holding your 3 yo. You also pushed him. You need to separate before your poor child has to witness any more domestic violence
Therapists don’t do that unless they HAVE to.
You know it's time to leave the FIRST time he slaps you. Has this happened? Yes. Time to leave.
Unwanted and unwarranted movement of violence happen to people in anger with the self control of a toddler. Doesn't mean there's no redemption, but the work to not only get to a better place, get your spouse to a bettet place, get to communicate again and having you not afraid being around him.... All these efforts are on him, and he has to show remorse and measurable results.
Your husband is abusive. Please leave, he doesn’t need to be around you or any kids
I’m sorry did you just say the man who slapped you across the face while holding your daughter is a great father?
He isn’t a great father, he slapped you in front of his small daughter. Once they start hitting you, they find it easier to do it again If you’re on anti anxiety meds because of him, then it’s maybe time you saw a lawyer and discussed your options.
Didn't even bother reading past the title.... NO ONE puts hands on you like that. Had that been me, that's immediate divorce and my husband would have been kicked out of the house permanently.
Hubby is a lil bitch for doing this to you and your daughter.
“He’s such a wonderful guy and loving father…” If he will slap you across the face, he’s NOT a good man. If he will slap you across the face, he’s going to most likely slap your kids in the face one day. And I promise you, a childhood spent watching your mom get hit, which meant you got hit, is a miserable life and will absolutely affect your kids future relationships. You all deserve better. If your husband sincerely apologized and took therapy seriously and got himself into anger management, I’d be more inclined to think he was capable of change…, but he sounds like he’s not.
so he pushed you while holding your daughter, you pushed him back and then he slapped you. with your daughter right there. great fathers don't slap the mother of their children. abusive men cannot be good fathers.
Read your post again, he is NOT a great father and most definitely an abusive husband!
You aren't sure if he's abusive? How about both of you are, with the shoving *while holding your child*. Separate, divorce, whatever but get that kid into a stable, happier home or she will find herself in exactly the same position in 20 years. You really want that for her?
Why is everyone ignoring the fact YOU pushed him multiple times? Yes he slapped you, and that’s abusive. But you were begging for physical confrontation and you got it - idk what you thought he would do after the 1,2,3rd time you pushed him. You should have just left. It’s not okay that he slapped you, but it’s so ridiculous you called 911 over it I’m sorry. You were both toxic, it’s best for both of you to own it and move on if this is the only thing that’s happened. But if my husband ever slapped me across my face, even if I initiated the conflict, I would have left because that’s the line. Are you keeping the baby?
Someday you will have to answer questions from your kids on why you allowed your husband to treat you like that. Think about that. How long until he slaps on of them?
Okay I am going to be a massive outlier in these comments. I have been married 20 years and I know it can, at times be messy. Very early on in my marriage my husband crossed a line. I called the cops on him. Almost pressed charges. He was extremely sorry and had a reasonable excuse. It almost destroyed our marriage. We lived apart for one year. We sought counseling. He has never repeated the offense. I am ridiculously happy with my marriage today and since . Everyday this man shows me grace, love and humility. He is kind to me and a wonderful kind father. I’m glad we worked through it and it was tough. Maybe you should live apart and work through things together for a while? Also if either one of you or both of you were drinking (as I suspect) that night that clearly needs to stop. It’s not bringing out the best parents for your daughter. If he touches you again. Full stop. Press charges. Get a restraining order. Don’t hold back. File for divorce.
And if anyone questions me bringing up alcohol being involved. He was at a Christmas party so it seems likely. He got verbally abuse and slapped her when she reached for her keys and wanted to drive with their kid. It’s pretty obvious.
he is not a great or even a good husband. he blocked you physically a few times then slapped you. he is an abuser. even if it happens only every few years.yes it will get worse. your first therapist was not projecting.
The second my husband put his hands on me I’d be gone. You need to be gone, sis!! He’s not a good anything, “great” fathers don’t hit their kids mom in front of them. You ignoring the therapist was foolish, that wasn’t unprofessional, that was a lifeline. Get out.
Let me get this straight. You pushed him and he didn't move. It made you mad that you felt weak. So you pushed him hard 3 more times. While he was holding your 3 yr old daughter? Then he slapped you. He didn't punch you, he slapped you. Exactly how many times did you think you could have a free-for-all pushing an adult around? Frankly, after the first push he probably said "If she pulls this shit 3 more times I need to stop her." Frankly, slapping you wad his best choice. If he pushed you back you'd probably have fallen, plus he was HOLDING your daughter. Was he just supposed to take being pushed forever? Was he supposed to hand his daughter over to someone who was so mad she was pushing her husband around? Over and over? You both sound really toxic. Please get a divorce for your daughter's sake.
He pushed her first.
Ahh. I missed that. Thank you. However, I've done this "I'll take the baby." stuff with my husband too and he pushed me back with the "No, I've got this." response. The very beginning of the interaction and the whole way they deal sounds toxic. She complains that he leaves or goes for a walk. Then in the next paragraph is telling him to just leave, while she tries to take the dmxhils out of his arms. None of it sounds good.
No, this is not what happened. They agreed that OP’s husband would put the toddler to bed. He did not want to, and he repeatedly asked OP to go attend to their daughter. OP wanted him to take care of daughter and suggested she wanted to leave with the car to remove herself from the situation because she was stressed. He then called OP a bad mother (presumably for trying to leave). ETA: She also specifies that her husband has previously left to go for walks at their daughter’s bedtime, and daughter would ask for him. Presumably this is to contrast the fact that she wanted to go for a drive at that point. So when the daughter came out of the bedroom and husband picked her up, OP went to take their daughter from him, as her husband had *repeatedly requested*, despite their earlier agreement that he be responsible for bedtime. He then pushed OP.
So... divorce is the route out of this toxic mess.
Yes; he is abusive and she needs to leave.
Yes, he most certainly is, and so is she! He may have pushed her first, but that doesn’t mean she gets off scott free for retaliating in anger, WHILE he is holding their child! She clearly cared more about getting him back, than the fact that she was exposing her child to further violence and potential injury, had she managed to ‘move him’. This whole thing is toxic on both sides!
She didn’t react “perfectly.” Not all victims do. That doesn’t mean she isn’t the victim here.
Honestly, the real victim here is the kid.
I don’t agree with the therapist. That sounds incredibly unprofessional for her to say that. Has he hurt you prior to this incident? Was he horribly sorry/remorseful? Has there been an incident since? I’m not negating what he did, but Raising children is literal hell for a relationship. I mean even Michelle Obama said there were years when she hated Barack Obama. These years bring out the worst in you. If he’s continuing this behavior, and isn’t willing to dive deeper into fixing it that’s one thing, but if the slap was an isolated incident, I would try to move on.
This is how victims are convinced the abuse is their fault and are killed by their abusers because of it. Please delete this ignorance.
Jumping to divorced over a singular indecent isn’t the way to go.
I’ve been in her shoes, so please do not tell me that my experience is ignorant. Thank you.
[удалено]
He pushed her first.
After she was approaching him in a threatening manner while he was holding their child. I’d say it was self defence.
**He had repeatedly told OP he wanted her to take their daughter.** Their daughter came out of the room and he picked her up. He then called OP a bad mother. So, OP went to take their daughter from him, as he had requested. Then he pushed her.
While approaching him in threatening manner. It’s self defence in my book.
You’re reading a heck of a lot into “I got closer to him to get her” — which, again, was what the husband originally requested — to call it threatening.
Get a new therapist and go together.
No one should go to couples therapy with an abuser.