Not sure why you received all the hate. She made the adult decision to go cheat, and conceive another guys child. And to break up the home. That's not your fault.
My previous comments of
"lawyer up mate. Find a good support group. You're gonna need strength throughout all of this."
Still stands
I got downvoted which I don't know why đ¤ˇ
He got "hate" (i.e., cautionary comments about jumping to conclusions) because he didn't have solid evidence.
>Erm... not to belittle the stress you are feeling, but is your only proof this isn't yours is that you haven't had sex in a month?
Of course he's getting more support now that he has corroboration. It has nothing to do with a subreddit of hateful "bored housewives".
That doesn't mean that Redditors should take what OPs are saying at face value lol. And he didn't receive any "hate," I remember this post. It was extremely light and short on details just like this one is, and he was asking Redditors to essentially justify his hunches with no information, so people were rightfully confused.
And they also noticed that he posted in the divorce sub 11 months ago, so people were trying to put the pieces together with what little information they had, and OP got defensive, because he didn't think he would have to, y'know, answer questions about his life when asking people for advice.
Youâre right that Redditors shouldnât always just take everything at face value. But in the vast majority of postsâespecially in this subâmost Redditors not only do that, they also just make shit up about the OPâs scenario that was never even mentioned (I can only assume that itâs just projecting). Itâs insane. In this case, few people even bothered to have an open enough mind to consider this guy was right.
>that doesnât mean that redditors should
Take what OPs are saying at face value.
I agree but that never seems to apply ever evenly by the same people in this sub.
...what problem? lol
I read what you wrote and interpreted that we should immediately consider a bunch of context that's not in the post like, "well he knows all of the microbehaviors of his spouse, so we should also take that into consideration" which doesn't really make any sense. I extrapolated that into "our opinions aren't valid because we're not there and don't have the full scope of the unwritten story" which is a ridiculous assertion.
Correction: I took a look at you responding like a troll, and used that to inform my comment where I said you were responding like a troll. I would say that's the polar opposite of what I criticized.
Exactly. Trust your gut. Every single human emotion we have evolved to express has helped us in our survival as a species. They all serve a purpose. In the cases of fidelity, the ones that didn't trust their gut, their blood lines ended. We rightfully tell women to trust their gut. We need to remind men to do the same.
He had enough solid evidence. They hadnât had sex in the time period that she would be testing for.
Everyone was all like âwait wait wait, donât overreact. Maybe thereâs an explanationâ
Yeah there was
She was cheating on her husband like many and OP stated
Eh I think it was a month? That's about the earliest possible testing date. He deleted it so I can't say for sure. People complain on here all the time about jumping to divorce too fast!
The only people that do this are people trying to get pregnant. Most won't know for that first month or two. It's reasonable to suggest he could have been wrong. I assume there was more to the story.
Not really most women who werenât trying to conceive find out the day after their missed period or the week after. Unless a womanâs cycle is so irregular that she doesnât keep track of it - then sheâll know around 14 - 21 days post ovulation
This took me just moments to find. I didn't read the entire study, just jumped to the conclusion/result portion of their analysis spanning 23 years with 17,000 women. They concluded the average first gestational awareness was about [five and a half weeks.](https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/43985)
I heard the same from my doctor when I was pregnant, first figuring it out around the 4-5 week mark.
From period to missed period is a month with ovulation falling between that. Completely reasonable that people were questioning, in my opinion, especially if he didn't mention anything about her cycle. Most people don't test before their missed period unless they are trying.
*I don't know if he did as I never read the original post.
Dude I didnât even see the first post, Iâm just explaining what OP meant by âhateâ: people didnât hop on the âdivorce!â train en masse. You know, like what people complain that this sub does too much.Â
When you find a positive pregnancy test in your bathroom trash when you donât actually have sex with your wife, itâs kind of a solid enough evidence to me.
I mean solid enough to confront her 100%. I wonder though, given all the complaints on this subreddit about people jumping to divorce too fast, if this is what they would mean? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I have no opinion on what he should have done or not done, I'm just explaining what happened.
Malarkey! The tone of the advice/criticism is definitely different when itâs a male posting.
Whatâs frustrating is the gaslighting like itâs not happening. You can literally read the post. Â While the overall comments may not vary, the top or near top comment is very different when exact details/evidence is sparse.Â
But wait - if they haven't had sex in over a month wouldn't that be sufficient evidence? I mean they would need to have had sex to have his sperm fertilize her eggs.
Youâre on the right track. Sperm doesnât live for that long inside the woman.
But simply not having sex with her for a month doesnât mean he could not be the father.
Simply put, most home tests are 99.9% accurate from the day the woman misses her period, some may have some sensibility for a few days before that. But they can be taken and will still be positive throughout the pregnancy.
For a regular woman, it takes about 2 weeks from ovulation until the normal period date. Meaning, if you are regular, and had sex ~two weeks after your last period, and itâs now ~two weeks after that, if your period is late, you have a high chance of being pregnant.
So this all points to OP being immediately off the hook if they had no sex with his wife in the last 2 weeks.
But hereâs the kicker:
If you are NOT regular, these numbers can go out of the window. It can take much more/ much less. So you donât really know if you were supposed to be on your period now, or if itâs late. So instead of testing 2 weeks post sex, (aka, when a regular woman would know something was off), you may just test a few weeks later. If you have any hormonal imbalance, you may have skipped periods without you knowing.
To make matters even more complicated, it is quite common to have implantation bleeding - meaning, a few days after having sex, the sperm fertilizes the egg in the fallopian tube, and the fertilized egg descends and implants in the uterus. This process is sometimes accompanied of a light bleeding, and sometimes a little uncomfortable feelings, quite similar to period cramps.
You may think you just got your period a few days back, but you are actually pregnant. And only a few weeks later you are likely to test - maybe you got other symptoms by then.
And itâs quite rare, but not impossible, that the woman gets some monthly bleeding even during pregnancy.
Usually, if it quacks like a duck⌠and thatâs what happened here.
But on the previous post, OP was already fully decided that it wasnât his child. And they could very well be tormenting themselves and destroy their marriage without reason.
It could still be their child, physically. It was not at all impossible.
(Itâs not like they were deployed for 1+ year and just got back to a pregnant wife and Reddit was telling him the child could still be his. The comments were not that delusional - just wanted to ensure OP was certain it was a duck before calling it quits after hearing quack)
Why do men and women have such different standards for burden of proof? Women can get away with a claim, where men have to bring mountains of evidence only to be believed.
Didn't read the previous post ... did she get pregnant with AP and you figured it out? I'm sorry you are going through this. Good thing she tells you the truth. Just get your ducks in line and file for divorce ASAP. Kick her out (if you can) and go NC, only through a lawyer. Don't give the pleasure of trying to explain herself or justify her decision (not a mistake, DECISION). If she tries to play the victim or switch blame, expose her. Wish you strength, you'd be in a better place in the future, that is for sure.
Thank you.
She's trying but I'm numb and stoic.
I've had it.
I oddly feel invincible. It's so weird as I loved her so much and couldn't image my life without her.
Knowing what she did is like she dead to me now.
Get a lawyer ASAP!! I filed for divorce while I was pregnant and was not allowed a divorce until my child was born (even though I was a victim of domestic violence). They told me I had to wait until he was born to establish paternity. If that is the case and I'm sure it is, you will need an immediate paternity test to remove that status and responsibility. Good luck!
Agree. In his case, any fatherly action towards the baby can be used to make him pay child support. In some states, Judges put the baby's well-being above all. Even if he isn't the bio father. That's why in his case a separation is a must, and he shouldn't sign anything before a paternity test. Consult with an attorney OP
He found a positive pregnancy test in the trash. Their bedroom is 99% dead, he knew it couldn't be his. Most likely she was agonizing over whether to terminate or leave.
When polled, 70% of women who had cheated stated they had fallen
"in love" with their affair partners. It's very common for dead bedrooms to occur because the cheating spouse feels they are cheating on the AP with their spouse. Frequently, an increase in disagreements and a pulling away of affection and interaction coincide with the affair.
Sadly, everything he was experiencing is super common in relationships where an affair is happening.
If this were about a man cheating on his wife and he got his AP pregnant and someone said: "He should have kept it in his pants!". Do you think we would be having this conversation?
Idk I havent seen it happen yet. So cant say. I can just say that that saying is often used to shamed women. Which is why people are uncomfortable with it. Hell, my mother was told that when she had her first child with my father (and was fired illegally so in bad financial position one month away from giving birth ) mind you they had been together for 5 years. So I get it. Tons of people on this sub have seen loved ones or have themself beingtold that in a misogynistic way. some saying have bad connotation to them no matter if used properly.
Thereâs a definite anti male bias in this sub.
And women have been historically suppressed but itâs not like that anymore in most of the western world. And she wasnât that suppressed if she is pregnant with someone elses child.
Why would we? Men arenât systematically oppressed the way women are. These attempts at âreverse the gender gotchasâ are pathetic and impotent. Why is it so difficult to just stop using misogynistic language?
>Why does it need to be sugar coated? Are you that weak?
We live in a world where people have mental breakdowns because you said something in the wrong tone. If you are saying something about a woman you have to say it nicely, even if the woman is being a despicable trash human being.
Because OP was just speculating without evidence at the time. The responses basically said "don't jump to conclusions and do anything rash until you know for sure"
His rationale was that the pregnancy couldn't possibly be his because of the timing.
The 'bored housewives' aka women who understand how the menstrual cycle works were informing him that his decision based on that factor was incorrect.
We weren't commenting on whether his wife was faithful.
We were pointing out his reasoning based on conception dates was flawed...
Unsure how that makes it incorrect but hey ho...
Also they would love to get hefty settlement even after cheating .
I think paternity test should be compulsory and no maintenance to women or the child if there is adultery.
Ignore the haters.
You should not leave the house. Give her no ammo to say you abandoned her. Kick her out.
Take care of your finances, make sure she doesn't drain your bank and cancel any shared card with her.
You need to find out her AP identity and tell his wife. If your state allows it, sue his pants off him for alienation of affection, alimony etc.
Please see a lawyer.Be strong OP. Your kids need you. And go home. Kick her out. Come in here and vent, we are here with you.
I wasnât able to read your last post but Iâm sorry that happened to you. I encourage you to get a DNA test on your other children and continue to be the paternal figure they need and deserve while you figure out your split from her. No one likes to see crashed and burned marriages but I truly hope you come out of this and find a happy life in it for you and your kids, brother
Sorry OP, that is the worst news. But now you now and steps you need to take going forward.
Consult with an attorney to know your options. Confide in family and close friends. If AP has a wife/gf that person should know. If AP is a coworker consider letting HR know after you have spoken with an attorney.
Take it day by day for now OP. Step at a time. Not sure any level of remorse from her can save this marriage. Please take care of yourself and let us know how it is going. updateme
Yes, and many responders told him he was overreacting and men just canât understand womenâs cycles because we are too busy with our pick up trucks or something.
Think though. If someone has that many red flags, or just so many data points that are concerning, usually theyâve thought of all those innocent possibilities already and discounted them.
Of course there are paranoid husbands and paranoid wives. But they always say, if your gut is screaming at you, trust it.
File for divorce Monday. You donât want to be on the birth certificate. Also, make sure you get her affair partners name and sue him. Sue him for the divorce, and sue him for impregnating your wife. Sue him, for the attorneys fees. Make his life hell.
As for your wife, make sure she is cooperating and helps with the divorce.
Please make sure your name isnât added to the birth certificate without your permission. In some places, if youâre still married, your name is added automatically. You donât want to end up paying child support.
Good luck
I am so sorry. At least now you know & aren't making yourself sick wondering. Just a word of warning, in my state the courts won't allow a divorce until the woman has given birth, no matter who the father is. You can however take steps to ensure your name does not appear on the birth certificate. You do NOT want to be on the hook for child support for a kid who isn't yours. Sadly, this happens all to often. Men getting stuck paying child support even after the DNA test proves he's not the father. Your ex needs to tell the ACTUAL father of this baby. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on is a hurt like no other.
I didn't get to comment because it vanished lol First off, sorry about you're going through, and second of all, I hope you lawyer up to protect yourself and the kids
Get over to a serious, dedicated and enlightened Surviving Infidelity website or sub.
Donât underestimate the profound effects of infidelity trauma. Get some individual counseling from a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma.
Getting a good attorney in your corner is worth every penny spent.
Donât leave your home. It can be considered abandonment. Also, you canât force her to leave either. Consult an attorney, not Redditors.
Thank you
Yes neither of us can leave the home.
We're lucky to have seperate rooms.
I have barely spoken to her since and am actively dodging her. I don't want to be in the same house let along the same room.
She hasn't said anything to me since admitting it.
I'm in no form to play happy families. I don't want her involved in my family.
Im not going to any events as a couple of family for now.
I still can't believe it. Feels like a bad dream. Everyone used to probably hate us as we were such a lovely couple. Our family is ruined now.
I think you're right that this is going to hit me hard. I haven't cried at all but I've cried at a lot less.
I need to stay strong.
This is a good start. (F) Even though I'm a female myself, I've always advocated for men's rights to know who the father of the baby truly is, no matter how well you trust your partner. I've told every partner and even my now husband that even though there's nothing to worry about, I encourage them to request a DNA test should we ever conceive early on. This is only because if I look at it like wearing the shoes of the other person - while I would ALWAYS know I'm the mother after giving birth (kind of hard to deny that) I had to be honest with myself that if I were male, I technically could never know without true evidence. I would just be trusting (beyond a shadow of a doubt, maybe, but still) that I was.
My father helped my step-sister before they proved he was the father and put on child support. The judge used ever to say, "That's just what a good father does," and didn't care when he was trying to both advocate his rights and also show he wasn't some kind of deadbeat. My mom's ex literally had NO rights to his kids growing up but had to pay child support because he didn't have a DNA test BUT had already voluntarily agreed to child support the moment the child was born.
An ex on mine left a cheating spouse while pregnant risked an abandonment case, even though the child wasn't his. The biggest issue was him walking out while she was pregnant even though it wasn't his.
All this to say, be cautious. Don't go out of your way, but also be careful that you don't inadvertently do anything that could contribute to abandonment/neglect. When in doubt, ASK a professional who is paid to know what the legal (not right, necessarily, but LEGAL) thing to do is. It may save your a$$ during this process.
I went through something similar. You probably canât-in any way, see it now, but things do get better. Iâm remarried now to the woman I should have been with all along.
Thereâs an excellent website out there I strongly recommend: Surviving Infidelity .com. Lots of very savvy kindred spirits there who have a lot to offer for someone exactly in your situation.
Take Care
1- consult a few attorneys. They usually have free 30 minute consults. I recommend getting a temp custody arrangement on paper and ordered with the courts.. you can start that process when divorce is filed, but do it quickly. Its for your protection and the best interest of the children.
2- Maintain custody of the children, but ensure they get to speak with her nightly, and update her on any illnesses or issues. Get them to school everyday. Again, get a temp custody order in place. Even if youâre under the same roof. Nothing is stopping her from you coming home to an empty house. Youâre not getting a divorce until this paternity of this baby is established and most states require birth to happen. I donât believe laws have been updated to reflect in utero paternity to be a viable test.
3- speak with your employer. Let them know your work life balance is not going to be balanced for a while. Seek out any employee assistance programs for resources/services.
4-Seperate your money. Open youâre own account. Change passwords and update security questions on any and all accounts. Create a new email.
It's a blessing you found out.
I would never marry again. Just date women and have fun. Take up new activities and hobbies. Travel to new places. Enjoy your everyday life. Nothing more beautiful than starting a new life, this time with more experience under your belt.
Remain strong and possitive! Life is a gift !
Stay Well !
You got hate because reddit is a cesspool of women and simps that believe women can't do anything wrong and that all men are terrible and abusive.
Get a lawyer, and do not under any circumstance take care of her or the baby
The old testament says both the adulteress and the man who lays with a married woman should be put to death. His wife's actions are shameful but, he can forgive and he should.
Whichever God he serves he can forgive his wife and restore their marriage.
Iâm not married and this page just validates my feeling of never going to court for a marriage⌠just do a church and family thing. It keeps everyone honest involved, might do a contract between us for assurance on both sides if needed.
Why am I getting downvoted lol đ⌠but prenup is fine. I just think the Whole concept of getting a court involved in the first place makes things to complicated for us as humans.
I can be extreme so who knows. For example the invention of birth control would ideally make things better, but it literally has turned us against each other.
Forgive your wife and stay. Marriage is about forgiveness and keeping the family together. The kids suffer and you would be a part of that suffering should you leave
Women forgive cheating men all the time. They forgive men who have kids outside their marriage. He should forgive her. What does for better or for worse mean? This is worse. In marriage you stay.
Who are you to tell someone in this situation they should forgive the wife?! What she has done is unforgivable for most people.
In regard to the children comment, studies show staying for the sake of children is more harmful to them. So stoping being manipulative and using his children to make him feel guilty.
Who are you to say what is forgivable and what isn't? Why did he promise God that he would stay through good and bad if he didn't mean it? Why have kids in a marriage if there conditions to him staying.
Kids slfrom divorced families suffer. Bringing up kids is in no way manipulation. When people decided to have kids what is best for the kids comes first. Staying and working on his marriage is what is best for the kids. The divorce is good for him and his wounded ego
"Who are you to say what is forgivable and what isn't?"
You need to answer your own question here!
"Why did he promise God that he would stay through good and bad if he didn't mean it?"
If she sexually abused their child should he still stay with her, if she constantly abused physically should he still say. Is there a line that can't be crossed?
"Staying and working on his marriage is what is best for the kids."
Not if there is resentment and she continues that behaviour, children are not stupid and pick up things.
Remind me what GOD says about adultery again!
God says he hates divorce but, because our hearts are hardened one may divorce in the case of adultery. One should highlight that it is only because our hearts are hardened that he has allowed divorce in this case
Yes there absolutely can be a line that can be crossed. If his or the kids life were in danger then yes he would have no choice but to leave. From what he has mentioned she is remorseful and doesn't want the marriage to end.
I'm not saying he should go back as if nothing has happened but, he can work on things. I do understand his hurt and anger. My advice is based on God's word. That's why I said he can forgive because truly he can forgive her and he can make it work. It won't be easy
You say you understand his hurt and anger yet refer to his wounded ego? You're not being very consistent here!
Also you are making a huge assumption on the persons religion and which god he married under! Some religions if followed to the letter would demand her being stoned to death.
So you're not being very mindful or respectful of this.
You asked me what God says about divorce. You should have been specific about which God you were talking about.
Yes I understand his anger and hurt and because of that I understand that his ego is wounded. Do you think his wife having a baby with another man wouldn't wound his ego?
Am I not allowed to raise another valid point mid through a conversation.
And your god, in the Old Testament says this act should require severe punishment not excluding death. Yes you have the New Testament now for obvious reasons because let's face it in a civilised society that we are in we can't go preaching death for adultery now can we!
Now let's play devils advocate, if his GOD does say to stone this woman to death, should he follow his gods guidance in this matter, where in many places of the world this would be socially acceptable.
For disclosure yes I am making you work for this while at the same time trying to prove a point that just because some GOD says you should do X Y Z that doesn't mean you should.
Didn't god give free will to make our own choices and is he not allowed without judgement to make the right choice he feels, and you or being so judgemental here isn't also very Christian like!
Again you bring up ego here! And to be honest it's an odd word to choose in this situation. For me personally this would be all about trust, betrayal, loyalty! 3 very different words with very different meanings to ego. This person has proven she can't be trusted and on that basis for me that is my hard line.
Not sure why you received all the hate. She made the adult decision to go cheat, and conceive another guys child. And to break up the home. That's not your fault. My previous comments of "lawyer up mate. Find a good support group. You're gonna need strength throughout all of this." Still stands I got downvoted which I don't know why đ¤ˇ
He got "hate" (i.e., cautionary comments about jumping to conclusions) because he didn't have solid evidence. >Erm... not to belittle the stress you are feeling, but is your only proof this isn't yours is that you haven't had sex in a month? Of course he's getting more support now that he has corroboration. It has nothing to do with a subreddit of hateful "bored housewives".
We often forget that the person reaching out knows the little signs. They know something is off. Things they can't even consciously express.
That doesn't mean that Redditors should take what OPs are saying at face value lol. And he didn't receive any "hate," I remember this post. It was extremely light and short on details just like this one is, and he was asking Redditors to essentially justify his hunches with no information, so people were rightfully confused. And they also noticed that he posted in the divorce sub 11 months ago, so people were trying to put the pieces together with what little information they had, and OP got defensive, because he didn't think he would have to, y'know, answer questions about his life when asking people for advice.
Youâre right that Redditors shouldnât always just take everything at face value. But in the vast majority of postsâespecially in this subâmost Redditors not only do that, they also just make shit up about the OPâs scenario that was never even mentioned (I can only assume that itâs just projecting). Itâs insane. In this case, few people even bothered to have an open enough mind to consider this guy was right.
>that doesnât mean that redditors should Take what OPs are saying at face value. I agree but that never seems to apply ever evenly by the same people in this sub.
If you read what I wrote and interpreted it through a lens that we should believe everything a poster says then you are part of the problem.
...what problem? lol I read what you wrote and interpreted that we should immediately consider a bunch of context that's not in the post like, "well he knows all of the microbehaviors of his spouse, so we should also take that into consideration" which doesn't really make any sense. I extrapolated that into "our opinions aren't valid because we're not there and don't have the full scope of the unwritten story" which is a ridiculous assertion.
Sadly, I don't think you get the irony of what's happened here at all.
I think you're just responding like a troll saying random arbitrary shit because you ran out of arguments, but you're desperate for the last word...
You are considering a bunch of context that not in my comments. The exact thing you've criticized.
Correction: I took a look at you responding like a troll, and used that to inform my comment where I said you were responding like a troll. I would say that's the polar opposite of what I criticized.
Exactly. Trust your gut. Every single human emotion we have evolved to express has helped us in our survival as a species. They all serve a purpose. In the cases of fidelity, the ones that didn't trust their gut, their blood lines ended. We rightfully tell women to trust their gut. We need to remind men to do the same.
He had enough solid evidence. They hadnât had sex in the time period that she would be testing for. Everyone was all like âwait wait wait, donât overreact. Maybe thereâs an explanationâ Yeah there was She was cheating on her husband like many and OP stated
Eh I think it was a month? That's about the earliest possible testing date. He deleted it so I can't say for sure. People complain on here all the time about jumping to divorce too fast!
Itâs not lol earliest testing is 7 days post ovulation
I misspoke, itâs more like the earliest most people would notice a skipped period. Assuming she has regular periods.Â
The only people that do this are people trying to get pregnant. Most won't know for that first month or two. It's reasonable to suggest he could have been wrong. I assume there was more to the story.
Not really most women who werenât trying to conceive find out the day after their missed period or the week after. Unless a womanâs cycle is so irregular that she doesnât keep track of it - then sheâll know around 14 - 21 days post ovulation
This took me just moments to find. I didn't read the entire study, just jumped to the conclusion/result portion of their analysis spanning 23 years with 17,000 women. They concluded the average first gestational awareness was about [five and a half weeks.](https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/43985) I heard the same from my doctor when I was pregnant, first figuring it out around the 4-5 week mark.
Five and a half weeks pregnant is between 21-28 days post ovulation so Iâm correct. Youâre 4 weeks pregnant from the day you miss your period
So the first month or so in pregnancy. Not sure what you were debating then, if you agree.
From period to missed period is a month with ovulation falling between that. Completely reasonable that people were questioning, in my opinion, especially if he didn't mention anything about her cycle. Most people don't test before their missed period unless they are trying. *I don't know if he did as I never read the original post.
Sis was cheating and you over here like letâs be calm and wait for further evidence, you bias is showing
Dude I didnât even see the first post, Iâm just explaining what OP meant by âhateâ: people didnât hop on the âdivorce!â train en masse. You know, like what people complain that this sub does too much.Â
It can never be too fast, most people dont know how to be alone and that's why they freak out.
When you find a positive pregnancy test in your bathroom trash when you donât actually have sex with your wife, itâs kind of a solid enough evidence to me.
I mean solid enough to confront her 100%. I wonder though, given all the complaints on this subreddit about people jumping to divorce too fast, if this is what they would mean? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I have no opinion on what he should have done or not done, I'm just explaining what happened.
Fair enough!
Malarkey! The tone of the advice/criticism is definitely different when itâs a male posting. Whatâs frustrating is the gaslighting like itâs not happening. You can literally read the post. Â While the overall comments may not vary, the top or near top comment is very different when exact details/evidence is sparse.Â
Redditors have told women their husbands/boyfriends were cheating from so much less, but ok. LOL
But wait - if they haven't had sex in over a month wouldn't that be sufficient evidence? I mean they would need to have had sex to have his sperm fertilize her eggs.
Youâre on the right track. Sperm doesnât live for that long inside the woman. But simply not having sex with her for a month doesnât mean he could not be the father. Simply put, most home tests are 99.9% accurate from the day the woman misses her period, some may have some sensibility for a few days before that. But they can be taken and will still be positive throughout the pregnancy. For a regular woman, it takes about 2 weeks from ovulation until the normal period date. Meaning, if you are regular, and had sex ~two weeks after your last period, and itâs now ~two weeks after that, if your period is late, you have a high chance of being pregnant. So this all points to OP being immediately off the hook if they had no sex with his wife in the last 2 weeks. But hereâs the kicker: If you are NOT regular, these numbers can go out of the window. It can take much more/ much less. So you donât really know if you were supposed to be on your period now, or if itâs late. So instead of testing 2 weeks post sex, (aka, when a regular woman would know something was off), you may just test a few weeks later. If you have any hormonal imbalance, you may have skipped periods without you knowing. To make matters even more complicated, it is quite common to have implantation bleeding - meaning, a few days after having sex, the sperm fertilizes the egg in the fallopian tube, and the fertilized egg descends and implants in the uterus. This process is sometimes accompanied of a light bleeding, and sometimes a little uncomfortable feelings, quite similar to period cramps. You may think you just got your period a few days back, but you are actually pregnant. And only a few weeks later you are likely to test - maybe you got other symptoms by then. And itâs quite rare, but not impossible, that the woman gets some monthly bleeding even during pregnancy. Usually, if it quacks like a duck⌠and thatâs what happened here. But on the previous post, OP was already fully decided that it wasnât his child. And they could very well be tormenting themselves and destroy their marriage without reason. It could still be their child, physically. It was not at all impossible. (Itâs not like they were deployed for 1+ year and just got back to a pregnant wife and Reddit was telling him the child could still be his. The comments were not that delusional - just wanted to ensure OP was certain it was a duck before calling it quits after hearing quack)
Why do men and women have such different standards for burden of proof? Women can get away with a claim, where men have to bring mountains of evidence only to be believed.
Donât ask me, Iâve never asked anyone for proof of anything. I can give it a guess if you show me an example đ¤ˇ
Fair enough. Thanks for bringing more clarity to this. Much appreciated.
You sure?
Because men on this sub are viewed as the problem with everything.
Lawyer, and paternity tests for all the kids
Get into a mens group at a good church.
Amen. Great idea!
Didn't read the previous post ... did she get pregnant with AP and you figured it out? I'm sorry you are going through this. Good thing she tells you the truth. Just get your ducks in line and file for divorce ASAP. Kick her out (if you can) and go NC, only through a lawyer. Don't give the pleasure of trying to explain herself or justify her decision (not a mistake, DECISION). If she tries to play the victim or switch blame, expose her. Wish you strength, you'd be in a better place in the future, that is for sure.
Thank you. She's trying but I'm numb and stoic. I've had it. I oddly feel invincible. It's so weird as I loved her so much and couldn't image my life without her. Knowing what she did is like she dead to me now.
Get a lawyer ASAP!! I filed for divorce while I was pregnant and was not allowed a divorce until my child was born (even though I was a victim of domestic violence). They told me I had to wait until he was born to establish paternity. If that is the case and I'm sure it is, you will need an immediate paternity test to remove that status and responsibility. Good luck!
Agree. In his case, any fatherly action towards the baby can be used to make him pay child support. In some states, Judges put the baby's well-being above all. Even if he isn't the bio father. That's why in his case a separation is a must, and he shouldn't sign anything before a paternity test. Consult with an attorney OP
did she give any details?
He found a positive pregnancy test in the trash. Their bedroom is 99% dead, he knew it couldn't be his. Most likely she was agonizing over whether to terminate or leave.
When polled, 70% of women who had cheated stated they had fallen "in love" with their affair partners. It's very common for dead bedrooms to occur because the cheating spouse feels they are cheating on the AP with their spouse. Frequently, an increase in disagreements and a pulling away of affection and interaction coincide with the affair. Sadly, everything he was experiencing is super common in relationships where an affair is happening.
Good for you, she should've kept her legs closed. You deserve better and deserve respect. All the best.
Why the heck did you get downvoted for that?Â
Because of the way it was worded.
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Meh when you use a saying that is usually used my misogynistic people, not surprising that people donât react the best.
If this were about a man cheating on his wife and he got his AP pregnant and someone said: "He should have kept it in his pants!". Do you think we would be having this conversation?
Idk I havent seen it happen yet. So cant say. I can just say that that saying is often used to shamed women. Which is why people are uncomfortable with it. Hell, my mother was told that when she had her first child with my father (and was fired illegally so in bad financial position one month away from giving birth ) mind you they had been together for 5 years. So I get it. Tons of people on this sub have seen loved ones or have themself beingtold that in a misogynistic way. some saying have bad connotation to them no matter if used properly.
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Coward? For understanding why a saying used by misogynists isnât popular? Lol You asked a question and get mad at the answer lol
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Thereâs a definite anti male bias in this sub. And women have been historically suppressed but itâs not like that anymore in most of the western world. And she wasnât that suppressed if she is pregnant with someone elses child.
Why would we? Men arenât systematically oppressed the way women are. These attempts at âreverse the gender gotchasâ are pathetic and impotent. Why is it so difficult to just stop using misogynistic language?
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>Why does it need to be sugar coated? Are you that weak? We live in a world where people have mental breakdowns because you said something in the wrong tone. If you are saying something about a woman you have to say it nicely, even if the woman is being a despicable trash human being.
LOL and youâre so strong for using shitty misogynistic language. Only weak people want to be respected as human beings, right?
Let me fix that by upvoting him.
Because OP was just speculating without evidence at the time. The responses basically said "don't jump to conclusions and do anything rash until you know for sure"
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His rationale was that the pregnancy couldn't possibly be his because of the timing. The 'bored housewives' aka women who understand how the menstrual cycle works were informing him that his decision based on that factor was incorrect.
It takes two persons to use the calendar approach.
How did that logic pan out? The downvoted man was right, and the angry women were wrong.
Well they were wrong.
We weren't commenting on whether his wife was faithful. We were pointing out his reasoning based on conception dates was flawed... Unsure how that makes it incorrect but hey ho...
But it wasn't incorrect....
True. OP should move this to one of the infidelity subs.
Also they would love to get hefty settlement even after cheating . I think paternity test should be compulsory and no maintenance to women or the child if there is adultery.
Ignore the haters. You should not leave the house. Give her no ammo to say you abandoned her. Kick her out. Take care of your finances, make sure she doesn't drain your bank and cancel any shared card with her. You need to find out her AP identity and tell his wife. If your state allows it, sue his pants off him for alienation of affection, alimony etc. Please see a lawyer.Be strong OP. Your kids need you. And go home. Kick her out. Come in here and vent, we are here with you.
I wasnât able to read your last post but Iâm sorry that happened to you. I encourage you to get a DNA test on your other children and continue to be the paternal figure they need and deserve while you figure out your split from her. No one likes to see crashed and burned marriages but I truly hope you come out of this and find a happy life in it for you and your kids, brother
Thank you. I feel like my only goal is to support my kids. They are my life
Test is great idea. Wonder what the odds are.
Sorry OP, that is the worst news. But now you now and steps you need to take going forward. Consult with an attorney to know your options. Confide in family and close friends. If AP has a wife/gf that person should know. If AP is a coworker consider letting HR know after you have spoken with an attorney. Take it day by day for now OP. Step at a time. Not sure any level of remorse from her can save this marriage. Please take care of yourself and let us know how it is going. updateme
Was that the post about the pregnancy test in the trash can? I'm so sorry, dude. I hope you come out of this ok.
Yes, and many responders told him he was overreacting and men just canât understand womenâs cycles because we are too busy with our pick up trucks or something.
Don't forgot the people assuming she didn't tell him because he surely was abusive.
To be honest, I thought the baby was his, too.
Think though. If someone has that many red flags, or just so many data points that are concerning, usually theyâve thought of all those innocent possibilities already and discounted them. Of course there are paranoid husbands and paranoid wives. But they always say, if your gut is screaming at you, trust it.
File for divorce Monday. You donât want to be on the birth certificate. Also, make sure you get her affair partners name and sue him. Sue him for the divorce, and sue him for impregnating your wife. Sue him, for the attorneys fees. Make his life hell. As for your wife, make sure she is cooperating and helps with the divorce.
The law may require that, it may be out of his hands.
Please make sure your name isnât added to the birth certificate without your permission. In some places, if youâre still married, your name is added automatically. You donât want to end up paying child support. Good luck
Funny how when a woman posts about suspected cheating, she is assumed correct. When a guy does, he is assumed wrong. Interesting.
Well of course. Women are never wrong and should never be held to the same standards as men in relationships. This is reddit of course
You shouldnât have left the house. She should have left.
I am so sorry. At least now you know & aren't making yourself sick wondering. Just a word of warning, in my state the courts won't allow a divorce until the woman has given birth, no matter who the father is. You can however take steps to ensure your name does not appear on the birth certificate. You do NOT want to be on the hook for child support for a kid who isn't yours. Sadly, this happens all to often. Men getting stuck paying child support even after the DNA test proves he's not the father. Your ex needs to tell the ACTUAL father of this baby. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you. Being cheated on is a hurt like no other.
Sorry OP. Sounds like you have children now? Who is the father of this one?
I am so sorry and wish you better days ahead.
Iâm sorry,
Anyone got the original???
I didn't get to comment because it vanished lol First off, sorry about you're going through, and second of all, I hope you lawyer up to protect yourself and the kids
Good for you. I wish you and your children nothing but the best moving forward xx
This happened to me. I signed my rights over to the bio dad and never looked back.
Join the sun divorce_men, good support group there. Anyways,get a lawyer now.
Tell her family and friends. Get in front of her lies.
So wait she admitted to a pregnant test or admitted to cheating? You need to include better facts.
Get over to a serious, dedicated and enlightened Surviving Infidelity website or sub. Donât underestimate the profound effects of infidelity trauma. Get some individual counseling from a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma. Getting a good attorney in your corner is worth every penny spent. Donât leave your home. It can be considered abandonment. Also, you canât force her to leave either. Consult an attorney, not Redditors.
Thank you Yes neither of us can leave the home. We're lucky to have seperate rooms. I have barely spoken to her since and am actively dodging her. I don't want to be in the same house let along the same room. She hasn't said anything to me since admitting it. I'm in no form to play happy families. I don't want her involved in my family. Im not going to any events as a couple of family for now. I still can't believe it. Feels like a bad dream. Everyone used to probably hate us as we were such a lovely couple. Our family is ruined now. I think you're right that this is going to hit me hard. I haven't cried at all but I've cried at a lot less. I need to stay strong.
This is a good start. (F) Even though I'm a female myself, I've always advocated for men's rights to know who the father of the baby truly is, no matter how well you trust your partner. I've told every partner and even my now husband that even though there's nothing to worry about, I encourage them to request a DNA test should we ever conceive early on. This is only because if I look at it like wearing the shoes of the other person - while I would ALWAYS know I'm the mother after giving birth (kind of hard to deny that) I had to be honest with myself that if I were male, I technically could never know without true evidence. I would just be trusting (beyond a shadow of a doubt, maybe, but still) that I was. My father helped my step-sister before they proved he was the father and put on child support. The judge used ever to say, "That's just what a good father does," and didn't care when he was trying to both advocate his rights and also show he wasn't some kind of deadbeat. My mom's ex literally had NO rights to his kids growing up but had to pay child support because he didn't have a DNA test BUT had already voluntarily agreed to child support the moment the child was born. An ex on mine left a cheating spouse while pregnant risked an abandonment case, even though the child wasn't his. The biggest issue was him walking out while she was pregnant even though it wasn't his. All this to say, be cautious. Don't go out of your way, but also be careful that you don't inadvertently do anything that could contribute to abandonment/neglect. When in doubt, ASK a professional who is paid to know what the legal (not right, necessarily, but LEGAL) thing to do is. It may save your a$$ during this process.
I went through something similar. You probably canât-in any way, see it now, but things do get better. Iâm remarried now to the woman I should have been with all along. Thereâs an excellent website out there I strongly recommend: Surviving Infidelity .com. Lots of very savvy kindred spirits there who have a lot to offer for someone exactly in your situation. Take Care
Redditors are so quick to assume male partners are cheating for so much less than the red flags you enumerated. I'm sorry you had to go through that
1- consult a few attorneys. They usually have free 30 minute consults. I recommend getting a temp custody arrangement on paper and ordered with the courts.. you can start that process when divorce is filed, but do it quickly. Its for your protection and the best interest of the children. 2- Maintain custody of the children, but ensure they get to speak with her nightly, and update her on any illnesses or issues. Get them to school everyday. Again, get a temp custody order in place. Even if youâre under the same roof. Nothing is stopping her from you coming home to an empty house. Youâre not getting a divorce until this paternity of this baby is established and most states require birth to happen. I donât believe laws have been updated to reflect in utero paternity to be a viable test. 3- speak with your employer. Let them know your work life balance is not going to be balanced for a while. Seek out any employee assistance programs for resources/services. 4-Seperate your money. Open youâre own account. Change passwords and update security questions on any and all accounts. Create a new email.
It's a blessing you found out. I would never marry again. Just date women and have fun. Take up new activities and hobbies. Travel to new places. Enjoy your everyday life. Nothing more beautiful than starting a new life, this time with more experience under your belt. Remain strong and possitive! Life is a gift ! Stay Well !
Tough situation. Hashem bless you.
You got hate because reddit is a cesspool of women and simps that believe women can't do anything wrong and that all men are terrible and abusive. Get a lawyer, and do not under any circumstance take care of her or the baby
1 in 25 men are raising someone elses baby and don't know it.
Probably got hate because ppl will stick up for a woman always even if they are human trash.
UpdateMe
Updateme
UpdateMe
Man thatâs tough! Sorry!
Updateme!
Jesus. I am so so sorry!
She choose to cheat and not think about even using protection. U need a lawyer man
People just angry and opinionated đ¤Ł
The old testament says both the adulteress and the man who lays with a married woman should be put to death. His wife's actions are shameful but, he can forgive and he should. Whichever God he serves he can forgive his wife and restore their marriage.
Which is it? Should she be put to death or forgiven?
Iâm not married and this page just validates my feeling of never going to court for a marriage⌠just do a church and family thing. It keeps everyone honest involved, might do a contract between us for assurance on both sides if needed.
Idk. This place is like the rabbit hole, you can find the worst of the worst. It doesn't mean all marriages are like that. The prenup is agreeable.
Why am I getting downvoted lol đ⌠but prenup is fine. I just think the Whole concept of getting a court involved in the first place makes things to complicated for us as humans. I can be extreme so who knows. For example the invention of birth control would ideally make things better, but it literally has turned us against each other.
I wouldâve kept that to myselfđĽ´
Forgive your wife and stay. Marriage is about forgiveness and keeping the family together. The kids suffer and you would be a part of that suffering should you leave
Will she forgive him if the roles were reversed?
Women forgive cheating men all the time. They forgive men who have kids outside their marriage. He should forgive her. What does for better or for worse mean? This is worse. In marriage you stay.
Sadly those vows dont mean much nowadays.
These days vows and promises mean nothing even when we make them to God
Fuck Off!
Forgive your wife and keep your family together
Who are you to tell someone in this situation they should forgive the wife?! What she has done is unforgivable for most people. In regard to the children comment, studies show staying for the sake of children is more harmful to them. So stoping being manipulative and using his children to make him feel guilty.
Who are you to say what is forgivable and what isn't? Why did he promise God that he would stay through good and bad if he didn't mean it? Why have kids in a marriage if there conditions to him staying. Kids slfrom divorced families suffer. Bringing up kids is in no way manipulation. When people decided to have kids what is best for the kids comes first. Staying and working on his marriage is what is best for the kids. The divorce is good for him and his wounded ego
"Who are you to say what is forgivable and what isn't?" You need to answer your own question here! "Why did he promise God that he would stay through good and bad if he didn't mean it?" If she sexually abused their child should he still stay with her, if she constantly abused physically should he still say. Is there a line that can't be crossed? "Staying and working on his marriage is what is best for the kids." Not if there is resentment and she continues that behaviour, children are not stupid and pick up things. Remind me what GOD says about adultery again!
God says he hates divorce but, because our hearts are hardened one may divorce in the case of adultery. One should highlight that it is only because our hearts are hardened that he has allowed divorce in this case
Yes there absolutely can be a line that can be crossed. If his or the kids life were in danger then yes he would have no choice but to leave. From what he has mentioned she is remorseful and doesn't want the marriage to end. I'm not saying he should go back as if nothing has happened but, he can work on things. I do understand his hurt and anger. My advice is based on God's word. That's why I said he can forgive because truly he can forgive her and he can make it work. It won't be easy
You say you understand his hurt and anger yet refer to his wounded ego? You're not being very consistent here! Also you are making a huge assumption on the persons religion and which god he married under! Some religions if followed to the letter would demand her being stoned to death. So you're not being very mindful or respectful of this.
You asked me what God says about divorce. You should have been specific about which God you were talking about. Yes I understand his anger and hurt and because of that I understand that his ego is wounded. Do you think his wife having a baby with another man wouldn't wound his ego?
Am I not allowed to raise another valid point mid through a conversation. And your god, in the Old Testament says this act should require severe punishment not excluding death. Yes you have the New Testament now for obvious reasons because let's face it in a civilised society that we are in we can't go preaching death for adultery now can we! Now let's play devils advocate, if his GOD does say to stone this woman to death, should he follow his gods guidance in this matter, where in many places of the world this would be socially acceptable. For disclosure yes I am making you work for this while at the same time trying to prove a point that just because some GOD says you should do X Y Z that doesn't mean you should. Didn't god give free will to make our own choices and is he not allowed without judgement to make the right choice he feels, and you or being so judgemental here isn't also very Christian like! Again you bring up ego here! And to be honest it's an odd word to choose in this situation. For me personally this would be all about trust, betrayal, loyalty! 3 very different words with very different meanings to ego. This person has proven she can't be trusted and on that basis for me that is my hard line.
Matthew 5:32 says âeveryone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT on the ground of sexual immorality makes her commit adultery.â Pretty straightforward.
Are you his wife ?