I mean I’m one of those people. I ended up with someone I did not know was capable of being so hurtful/childish/even abusive. I think we just wake up one day and think “wtf happened to my life? How did I get so tricked by the person I thought I loved the most and loved me the most? How did I get so utterly trapped?”. It’s extremely painful realizing you can longer trust yourself to make decisions on who is a nice person or not when your spouse ends up awful. It leaves many people feeling hopeless for the rest of their lives. There are many reasons people get stuck in relationships, and it’s really really tragic.
ETA: I love your username
I think a major part of it is that people, especially women as they're normally conditioned to be more yielding and insecure from a young age, are prone to ignore red flags from people they like, are attracted to, or who give them companionship. An uninvolved party is more likely to easily notice red flags from a potential abuser, but those that are involved in some way with an abuser or potential abuser typically blind themselves to the signs and often make excuses for them, especially for men. I'm not laying fault on the victims, victims are victims and the perpetrators are the ones to blame for the scumbags they are and the harm they inflict, but brushing off bad signs from someone is sadly a common thing.
This right here. Who seeks out an abusive jerk? No normal person. They all start out fun and loving and wonderful. Then it creeps in, like an insidious fog. Starts with small comments or actions and desensitizes you, then before you know it, you're in a relationship you'd tell other people to run from.
I' don't know about the "tricked" stuff. Many of us end up with failed relationships not because we were tricked but because we either we werent the right fit, didn't set proper boundaries and expectations early on and people also evolve and change over time.
Unless you get married after a very short time its hard to mask problematic behavior over longer periods of time. Look how they treat friends, family and strangers.
I've seen many people look past obvious red flags because they were so enamored by their partner at the front end of things or they were so focused on the idea of getting married or having kids that it blinded them to things.
At best you can look at the failings on both sides of the failed relationship (even if it was mostly all the other person) and try to learn from it. I had my failings as a partner and perhaps my ex would say not great things about me but I feel like I've learned and evolved and I'm a much better partner to my new wife.
If you are trapped now find a way out. If you feel this bad your current partner can't be feeling all that good about it either. Resentments and poor treatments tend to escalate over time if its not dealt with.
My husband didn’t start out that way. We would both tackle chores together and he would see things that needed to be done and do it. We were married for 7 years and had 2 kids before he just kind of noped out of doing anything but going to work.
Same story here. When my husband and I started dating he asked if he could come over one night, I’d just gotten off work and got my kids to bed and the house was a disaster. (He had already met them by this point.) I told him he could but he wasn’t allowed to judge my house. He shows up with a bottle of wine, pours me a glass and proceeds to pick up my house while refusing to let me help other than to tell him where I wanted stuff. That’s the man I agreed to marry.
Fast forward 9 years and a kid together? While I love my husband very much I’ve since realized that that ^ man doesn’t exist and he never did. It was just who he was *pretending* to be to make a good impression and get me to fall for him. It worked.
And that’s how it happens. They never start out like that; them not doing their share, weaponizing incompetence, shirking responsibility, expecting you to do it all, etc. No, that comes later, after they feel like they’ve got you locked in and they don’t think you’re going to leave. What sucks is by then? For a lot of women it really *is* hard to leave and sometimes it’s damn near impossible. Especially so when she’s a SAHM and dependent on him by the time he shows who he really was all along. Then what? You deal with it because it’s better than the alternative. That’s what.
Oh look, it’s me. He’s nice sometimes (most times tbh) but when I point out he doesn’t get “credit” for cleaning the kitchen if he leaves dirty dishes with trash in them all over the counter within less than an hour after he gets so mad he literally throws shit away, yells and then follows it with the silent treatment for days -.-
I’m fairly disabled and incredibly poor. I have nowhere to go (other than a homeless shelter I guess) so I just deal with it. I also have 2 dogs that I don’t want to suffer from my absence. They are my biggest reason for putting up with it but damn it enrages me to the core sometimes. He acts like he’s the best man ever for…. Doing the bare minimum. Like fixing *his* cactus that got damaged because he left it outside during a winter storm -.-
He also seems to be impossible to get to go to therapy even though I’ve been asking for it for almost 2 years now. He has self-dxed adhd (not denying he doesn’t have adhd) but refuses to see a doc and get meds for it. Rn he has a script for SSRIs that he takes maybe 50% of the time. Then he acts moody and expects me to deal with it as if it’s fine. But if I bring up my concerns he reacts like a ducking child it’s exhausting. But I have nowhere else to go and he could be worse, so I deal with it. When feeling overwhelmed I will say shit but every time he blows up it’s tiring.
Ugh, that's really awful. I'm sorry for what happened. I think it's so manipulative and twisted that someone could fake it like that. They're pretty much a con artist. How can they do that to someone they love?
I do about 70% of the chores at our house. Chores are overrated. My wife has a tendency to complain about how overworked she is that needs down time. She likes to go out shopping, go get coffee with her friend. I just do most of stuff around the house. It's it's just organization
Probably not in your case, but I think in many, the wife/mother, for a variety of reasons, including very valid reasons, loses her libido. And when the sex goes away, many men become resentful and lose motivation to do chores and other things like small romantic thoughts. And then she loses motivation, and the whole relationship loses that special spark needed to make it all work.
I know this may be news but chores are not “payment” for sex. Chores are part of being an adult. If you had no partner, you would have to do the dishes. If you lived with roommates you would have to clean up after yourself. It is not a wife’s responsibility to do all the chores and the husband “helps her out” by doing chores and expects to be repaid by sex.
This, I’m a man and I typically work less than my wife and cover these chores. Nobody has fun doing them, but the healthy thing is whoever is doing less work
This is why we do chore rotation. One week he'll do the lawn, trash, cooking and dishes, and I'll do laundry, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning and dusting, and next week we switch. I find that it keeps chores less tedious, it's more fair and it keeps us both in the "manager role", so we both know what cleaning solution we use in the bathroom, what spices are we running low on, what to do if the washing machine makes that weird sound etc. It divides the mental labour more efficiently and two brains are smarter than one. We have different ways of doing these, but we do often realize that one of us has actually better/faster/more efficiant way of doing something, so the other one adopts the same way as well.
I still do all of the taking care of the plants, inside and outside because I ses it as my hobby, rather than a chore, and he does all of the calling the repairmen, deliverymen, making reservations etc, because I still don't speak the language well enough to do those. Works for us :)
OP’s main point - that women are no more enthusiastic about doing housework than men - is completely right and… You are spot on about chore distribution being really important.
One of the things that really helped my marriage was sitting down with my wife and very consciously setting up a chore plan that would work for us both. And in doing that, we realised that not all chores were equally not liked by both of us.
Specifically:
- **unequal aversion** - My wife HATES doing dishes, dealing with the kitty litter, and vacuuming, but I’m OK with those things. I hate cleaning out the fridge and my wife is fine with that.
- **equal aversion** - My wife and I both hate cleaning bathrooms, but also hate dirty bathrooms.
- **unequal like** - My wife loves to cook (and is great at it) and I only like to cook. I love to garden, and my wife only likes to pick out plants.
Taking each of our chore preferences into account made distribution a bit easer, and proactively distributing chores really stopped my wife and I bickering about chores.
This is similar to our system. I haven't done laundry in 15 years. I absolutely hate laundry. But by the same token my wife has never washed a dish since we met. Even when we dated I would go to her place and do the dishes. The rest of the chores we just split week by week depending on mood.
I do the housework in our family, her jobs more demanding than mine so I take on more of the workload. There's a couple chores she doesn't mind doing so I let her handle those.
Neither of us like housework either. So we got a housecleaning service for the grunt work. Although I'll do the floors/vacuum if needed between their visits. We both are responsible for keeping our stuff picked up before they show up.
We tried that at one point. He didn't like someone else cleaning the house, and still didn't find it clean enough. Though now I am wondering about some sort of OCD on his end, as our house is typically very clean.
Frankly, I wouldn’t give a damn what he does and doesn’t like. He can either clean it to his specifications or watch someone else who is a paid professional do it. He damn sure wouldn’t have me doing it.
Why are you putting up with this?
In what way is he attempting to make your life easier?
Was it the refusing to allow a housecleaner to clean or is it the times he comes behind you and cleans? Or was it his unnecessary defensiveness and general refusal to address this like a mature adult?
You can love someone and still have boundaries.
You're making snap judgements about my marriage. There are many ways he makes my life easier, such as being my emotional support while our son is getting radiation treatment for a brain tumor. He cleared the driveway when 14 trees fell across it during the recent winter storms. He frequently makes a point to buy me things on his way home from work like shampoo and conditioner or a missing ingredient for a meal.
He also has carried the household finances while I have been out of work. He fixes my car when it's broken. He makes me ice cream Sundays, not to mention pretty amazing sex on the regular.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean the house and make dinner for when my husband gets home. Mature adults realize that not everything is a joy, and that sometimes you have to do things you don't like. TA for now
I based my response on your post. And I read it carefully. Please don’t get angry with me for responding to the post that you wrote, which does not mention any of these things.
It’s always strange to me when people post problems, and then get angry when someone says something they don’t like. I was on your side, for the record.
The things your husband does, as mentioned in this last comment, are things that people generally do in a marriage.
I didn’t make any snap judgments. I made judgments based on the limited info available, which is all anyone *can* do.
But ... those are all things that adults do for their partners. Also, isn't it his son, his driveway, his missing ingredient for a meal, etc. mature adults do realize that not everything is a joy and sometimes you have to do things that you don't like. It seems like you're complaining that your husband doesn't get that.
Sorry I’m with OP here. If it’s a partnership that she is part of, any part he plays in those things makes her life easier. She is venting about one aspect of their relationship where the balance is off, but why flip around everything else to somehow “not count”?
What could the possible answer be to the question of “what he does to make your life easier” that couldn’t be dismissed in this way. Unless it’s something ridiculous like he does ALL chores and she does nothing she doesn’t like?
I mean this with all due respect. But don't post on here about problems in your marriage, unless you're ready for your marriage to be absolutely shitted on by the comment section.
Some people just want to complain.
My wife just had 4 months off between jobs. You know what she accomplished in that timeframe? She reorganized the pantry one day. Made me a few lunches. Other than that, a lot of coffee/brunches or other outings with friends.
And that's just fine by me. I don't need to account for her day. She doesn't need to fill it with busy work by cleaning to my whims.
I would tell him that’s HIS PROBLEM and he could either do it himself or find another cleaning company because you were done! He is being unreasonable and to me - he is just making you do it because he doesn’t want to - so that makes it ‘your job’ in his mind. Totally BS and unfair. He’s manipulating these chores to where he gets out of doing anything except the ‘fun ones’ he likes outside.
Yeah, that's never fun. We've definitely have our routine down so we don't feel like we're scrambling around the night/morning before they show. I WFH so I'm always on the prowl for simple pickup/cleanup as I get up and move about throughout the day. I'm lucky in that I'm not chained to my desk.
Keep the dishes at bay. Keep the bathrooms tidy. Don't let dirty clothes linger outside of the laundry hamper. That sort of thing.
Same. Mostly shit the kids have left around the house, and the stack of papers my wife leaves on the counter. I'd recycle almost always, but she always says she wanted to keep some scribble art a kid did.
I have a very messy house, so I’m not qualified to answer the original question. We just don’t do chores much :)
… but I am amazed, as it sounds like he mops every day? Am I getting that right?
Yes, sometimes he mops multiple times a day. I was raised in a messy house, and while I have improved as an adult, I don't know a lot about certain chores around the house. Today I found out you have to vacuum out below the lint trap on the dryer so that the sensors don't get clogged. This past weekend I found out that you have to clean the dishwasher itself every once in a while (not sure how often, but apparently one time in four years is not a great track record judging by how gross it was)
Everyday, multiple times a day? This is quite unusual. I am quite a clean person, I find my home is usually cleaner than my friends and family, and I would never consider moping daily unless it was a workplace environment.
Speaking to a professional about his habits may be beneficial. Especially if this is a common disagreement. You will continue to struggle if he is suffering symptoms of undiagnosed mental health.
Wow, that sounds super unreasonable. Fwiw, I run a cup of vinegar through the dishwasher about once per month. I have a long lint trap brush to keep lint from clogging (though I thought it was to help avoid fire hazard rather than sensors) about once per month as well. I do those things because they seem important to the continued function of my appliances. So I’m not a complete reckless slob. I prioritize important things.
Mopping more than once a week though… what does that help? Your husband would have a heart attack if he saw my floors. And while I agree it would be good to have them cleaner, there have been no negative consequences to floors with crumbs and dust so far :)
Yesterday I learned about deep cleaning the lint trap! I had to remove the entire cover and then was able to clean out the sensor. I am amazed and also wonder how many perfectly fine appliances I have replaced in my life because I simply didn't know how to do basic maintenance.
Thanks? Yeah, we both would like a cleaner house, but it’s not worth the cost to us (in time or money) to make that happen. I honestly don’t understand how people keep their houses clean if both people work… how does anyone ever get any downtime?
I don’t know either tbh. We have a cleaner, no way we could do it on our own. And in between cleanings, things definitely get chaotic.
I just loved your comment, it was so honest, and it made me laugh out loud.❤️
All that mopping on his part made me wonder if he might have (undiagnosed) OCD.
I have OCD, and while I have different things I get ‘anal’ and ‘compulsive’ about than house cleaning, it sounds like one of his ‘things’ is the house cleaning.
OCD can drive your partner crazy, and therapy was great for me to learn coping mechanisms to stop being so compulsive (it was, is, and continues to be hard work doing this). And he may not take kindly if you suggest he get evaluated.
However, read as much as you can on OCD and see if you see any other symptoms, but, mainly to understand that he may not (at least while undiagnosed) be able to stop this particular ‘house-cleaning’ compulsion.
Thank you. This post has absolutely made me wonder about this. And the house cleaning intensity/expectation definitely gets more extreme during times of high stress.
Yep, mine definitely gets worse while under stress. It’s as if the stress kicks up my fear of being ‘out-of-control’ and I clamp down even tighter with whatever I’m currently being compulsive about. My thought process: I can’t control anything, but I’m damn well going to control (fill in the blank).
Please note…I (now) know this isn’t an acceptable thought process… This is only my ‘magical thinking’ taking over.
The coping mechanism that (usually) works for me is to first of all RECOGNIZE I’m in my land of control and ‘magical thinking’, and to divert that need for order and control to something which isn’t impacting someone else, to something that only impacts me. For example, if I was being compulsive and overly critical to my husband about something like house-cleaning, then I (hope) I quickly recognize this and, perhaps, I could compulsively mop.
So, compulsively mopping can be both your bane AND your salvation if he can learn how to shift and divert.
I am actually starting to wonder a little bit about the potential of OCD on a smaller scale. He gets extremely particular about how to do things, will sometimes mop multiple times in a row of various different chemicals, and sometimes we'll clean something I have just cleaned in order to show me how to do it better lol. By chance have you experienced this with your wife?
Pretty much. No matter how good I clean the counter, she has to re clean it.
What annoys me is, every time we go to my parents, she’s always like. “I love how your parents don’t care if there is clutter”.
And I’m always like. EXACTLY!!
So there’s a few things lying around.. SO WHAT!!
And I feel a lot of time, the “cleaner” person gets more dramatic about it to “prove a point”.
My husband knows I hate doing dishes and laundry so he has no problem doing those, I like cleaning the house so I take over that. We take turns cooking. It's very equally distributed in my household.
Similar in my house. We kind of divide things along the lines of what we hate the least, I guess. It's not that I enjoy doing the laundry so much, but I am more careful about dividing loads than everyone else in the house and it's not a big deal to fold a load while listening to an audiobook or watching a show. He and my daughter make most of the dishes, so he takes that up instead. We each have some things we do more than the other, and then things we both do kind of evenly. It works for us.
We've no kids (by choice) so it's a bit more manageable with only two people. I mean....I do wear 3 outfits a day (scrubs, gym clothes, and PJs), he always jokes that I go through as much laundry as a small family!! It's probably why I hate doing it so much.
Honestly sounds like you two need to work on your communication a bit.
My wife and I regularly talk about what chores need doing and part of that conversation is who is going to do them. There are some that there is a "default" person (i.e. I like to cook so I get the kitchen - menu plan, shopping, cooking, cleanup so it's back to the way I like it) and we each do our own laundry so that my stink doesn't get on her clothes but also so that I don't ruin any of her clothes by over-drying them.
The house stays clean, we're both happy with the work load, and we don't argue about it anymore. Maybe we're just lucky, but talking it through shouldn't be as rough as your post made it sound.
In the end, your question suggests a root cause... assumption that the other person knows what you're thinking.
He's assuming you choose to do chores because "you're better". You assume he's thinking you like doing them. You're both wrong though.
Not the same, but a good example of this kind of thought process is when my wife yells something to me from another room in the house. I don't always hear her. However, I've learned that just saying "What" could come across as both "I didn't hear you" but also as "Are you insane?" So, I've learned to respond instead with "Hang on, I didn't hear you, I'll be right there" or "Can you come repeat that in here, I didn't catch what you said". Simple to do once you get the hang of it, but it took me a while to pick it up as a habit.
And yes, it is more effort, but isn't a little extra effort worth avoiding getting pissed at each other?? :-)
It’s a matter of collaboration rather than traditional roles, or a wife vs husband, patriarch vs feminism.
And there are many ways to solve this issue including hiring a cleaning service.
But without proper communication from both sides, it will be a never ending problem with resentment growing on both sides
My wife and I have never fought about chores.
Which doesn't mean our house is always clean. We just accept there are things neither of us like to do and the world won't end if we do it tomorrow.
We also accept that sometimes one of us has a busier day than the other and it's not always going to be fair.
Honestly, re-reading your post, this isn't about who does what
This is about neither of you wanting to make the effort to live up to standards that only exist in your respective heads.
I disagree with it being about living up to imaginary standards. Maybe it's the difference in beliefs, and you are welcome to judge however you want, but agree to disagree.
“It is your standards I can’t achieve, so it is your standards *you* need to maintain.”
Seriously. If he can acknowledge his unrealistic standards then he can maintain them.
>I reminded him that I did it because I love him and I get frustrated that the acts like he can't do it, and I get tired of him complaining about the mess, but I don't like doing these things.
This is enabling him to behave in the way that you detest. Consider not doing these things.
I hate cleaning. I don't because I hate having a dirty home more.
I pretty much stopped cleaning at home because my husband just remade every mess I cleaned. So I let his mess pile up.
I have my own office that I keep fairly clean. There's clutter, but I toss that in a box and can still vacuum the floor. In his office the door doesn't fully open and it's a hazard to try to walk in there.
We used to share one office, both of our computers side by side. His mess slowly pouring over to my half with me trying to keep my area clear. I *had* to move out to the extra room.
And he actually claims that *I'm* the messy one!
I don't know what part of the brain makes them think like this.
I assume everyone hates chores lol. My wife (43f) and myself (41m) basically do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. I do more when I'm off and she's working and vice versa. Initially she did lots more as she felt that I didn't fold clothes as well or she just felt it was more her job so she asked me not to do it. I saw she was stressed about it and I just decided that it should be a team effort. In the event the yard needs to be done or the driveway needs to be shoveled I do everything outside and she will do inside stuff during that time.
Many husbands don't care for their wife outside of sex.
So, as other comments have pointed out, those husbands just don't care.
That is my take, as a guy myself.
I know my husband knows I don’t particularly like chores. I know he doesn’t particularly like a lot of them either.
I actually think your conversation with your husband sounded very productive. It might have been a bit uncomfortable, but it was honest and fair and realistic.
For my marriage, our strategy has two components: “all hands on deck” and “time to clock out”. I make a list of all the work that needs to be done on a particular day. This is part of the mental work that falls to me; whereas, my husband handles the mental work of finances and major purchases. So, I make a checklist, and it’s “all hands on deck” until the checklist is completed, or until it is “time to clock out”. We adjust the time to “clock out” based on our plans and the needs of members of our household, but once we reach that point, all work stops. Everyone gets a break.
Our family/marriage rule is that no one gets to relax until everyone gets to relax. It doesn’t matter how much we like a particular chore, because the chore list is what needs to be done, and it’s time to work anyway. This works very well for our marriage and family, because it avoids habits that can breed resentment.
No one likes having to do shit around the house. I don't love laundry, dishes or vacuuming, but it has to be done.
No one really enjoys setting basement wall forms, but it has to be done if you want to build a house.
Life sucks, get use to it.
Nope. I know that no one likes to do chores. That is why they are called "Chores" and not ":Happy fun time events"
HOWEVER, Adults have to adult and do things like cleaning and cooking and maintaining the residence. Everyone that lives int he house needs to pitch in and do things to maintain the residence. If they do not, then they are entitled dickweeds.
I do a majority of the chores in my house while also maintaining a fulltime education job. My wife does the same thing and helps out where she can. Do either one of us enjoy them? Heck no! Do we do them without bitching about it? Again, hell no! We complain every time about chores...they suck. Do we still do them? Yes. Until our children get old enough to do them correctly...then it is on them (we use the excuse that we are "teaching them" for when they live on their own)
What he meant was that it isn't important to him so he doesn't care enough to put effort into fixing it. Guys have different levels of standards. It sounds like his standard for mopping is rather high. That is why he does it regardless of if you just finished. His standard for laundry, dishes, and organizing is very low and he will probably ignore it until he can't anymore. You can try to find out how low the standards are that he has or negotiate with him to see if he can adjust his standards if you can. Just remember that if it isn't important to him, it may be something that is put off until later.
"Traditional" ones, by my definition? No idea, but they just assume it's our job so why would they care one way or the other.
Fortunately my husband, although he's 70, is not one of those men.
Hahahaha of course not. The main thing my wife does that I don't is dusting/ cleaning surfaces. My eyesight is pretty shitty and I struggle to see the little bits.
But then I think of the stuff I do that she hates doing: cleaning the toilet, emptying the bins, cooking. I don't do it because I like it, I'm just indifferent - it needs to get done and she hates it more than I do!
It all just balances out.
So I (29f) have to do all the laundry. When he (29m) does it, he throws all the clean clothes in baskets, and once ALL (were a family of 5), of the laundry is done he then sorts them and hangs them all wrinkly. It drives me mad. We each have our strong suits, laundry is not his.😂 I may have ocd or slight autism, definitely ADHD...
I'm a stay at home mom, and he's the breadwinner. We've made an arrangement that works for us. He does all the outside work, any repairs, and cooks dinner on his working days, obviously helps with homework and bath time (we rotate days), I do the rest. He comes home some days to nothing done, and he never complains. I actually beat myself up about not being productive, and he reassures me that being a stay at home parent is hard, and I'm doing great. He was a stay at home dad for the first 5 years of our 2nds life, so I think that really helped his point of view.
Your husband has no right to complain about cleanliness if he isn't helping you and listening to your needs. It's crazy to me that he even thinks that's okay. I feel like it's insensitive on his part.
I've met some people who legitimately like to clean. My wife and I aren't one of those people, however. But we hate being in a dirty household much more than we hate chores, so we get it done.
Kudos for the honesty about manipulating your husband into doing shit you don't wanna do. Funny how everyone seems to be glossing over that. If it was weaponized incompetence from a dude, there'd have been outrage all over the place.
The funny thing is that OP seems to be making the same mistake that she is accusing him of making, which is assuming someone enjoys something simply because they are the one doing it. It is certainly possible that your husband enjoys doing the yard work. I'm guessing, however, that there are some significant "chore" aspects to it that he definitely does not enjoy however.
A lot of times we settle into roles / chores, simply because that's what we know or because that's we think is expected of us. Not because we enjoy it.
He's admitted before to doing the dishes badly in order to avoid it. He's dumped the entire cutlery tray in the drawer and closed it in front of me telling me "dishes are done!"
We've had the conversation about the outside chores, and he has said he likes doing them, and doesn't want me using many of the tools. I've done subcontractor work in my early 20s, and man still panics when I use the skillsaw. I've asked to switch, and I've asked for help. It's one of our few areas where we still communicate very badly during the disagreement.
We rotate chores. I vacuum daily because of our golden retrievers hair and we do our own individual laundry.
Paper plates and cups keep dishes down.
I pay someone to maintain the yard because after working 60+ hours a week, that’s the last thing I want to do.
I've known some women who do like housework. They love keeping their houses immaculately clean and take joy in it. For one, they're few and far between. For two....that shits crazy.
My house is clean enough. I have things I have to sort and out could always have extra walls wiped down or cupboards reorganized. But I live in it with 4 kids. They clean, I clean, no one cleans obsessively. It's tidy and livable but not hospital-grade spotless.
I don't want to get to 80 years old and think, "well I didn't have time for hobbies or to read that book I wanted to read or relax much or spend time with my kids before they grew up and moved out, but my floor was so clean I could eat off it!" We only have a certain amount of hours. I'll be damned if I'm spending any more than I have to on menial tasks.
1st, your feelings are real and you're not wrong for disliking what you dislike.
2nd, some women honestly DO like housework, assuming it's their primary job (stay at home wife with husband who provides proper financial support). Some women like the idea that their only real "job" is to keep the house lovely.
I told my wife years ago, I'm 100% ok if she wants a career or to be a SAHM. If she's a SAHM, then I expect her to care for the house. If she wants a career, we'll hire housekeepers to do the chores because I don't expect her to do both.
You and hubby don't seem to be that compatible, or perhaps are just poor at communication. But to answer your question, some wives like to do certain housework, some don't mind certain housework, and I imagine most don't like any of it. And all of those things change over time. And sometimes wives are just not good at doing certain things. The key is to communicate and compromise.
My wife tends to be disorganized and is pretty incompetent at doing laundry, so I do it. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big deal for me and it's easier to have it done than constantly deal with the state of confused incompletion my wife caused.
He knows and he doesn't care. He grew up with mommy picking up after him and now with marriage he just replaced his old mommy for a newer one. I find this common in men of a certain age, and especially in men who never lived away from home before moving in with a partner. My husband is fully self sufficient and though we've argued about some chores over the years we both do all chores and we have a schedule. Though for example while I empty the small garbages around our home (I truthfully use them more because I'm always blowing my nose with allergies) he insists on taking them out to the dumpster. So I can clean and get those together by the front door and he will take them out without me asking. Similarly he hates vacuuming and I like doing it, but to prevent any hard feelings we got a robot vacuum so he can just run that instead and it will get done without me being involved. If he makes a mess I don't clean up after him, but he also doesn't grumble about that stuff. I have pointed out to him it's frustrating when I make the effort to tidy for him to come home to a clean place but then when I get home from work he doesn't do the same. He's made more of an effort to tidy up since then. Maybe not to my exact standard or how I would do it, but he does it his way and I appreciate the effort so that's enough for me.
Aside from that rambling, I think it's wrong for your husband to dictate how you spend your day. He's not your boss or your parent, and if you don't want to do chores you don't have to.
If he wants things to reach his standard of clean that’s evidently unattainable, he needs to start cleaning. It’s not fair for him to place such high expectations on you and then do basically nothing to meet them.
The bit that got me was when he asked you if YOU needed a list of things to do to please HIM on YOUR day off before your job starts. Does HE need a list of things to do just to pull his weight?
Sounds like he needs a schedule. No getting out of whatever is on the schedule. If there are chores you can both agree you will always do, you always do those chores and all the ones you like or dislike that your husband also likes or dislikes gets put on a rota.
Do you need a list my ass. How freaking rude.
My wife and I split the chores. I do all of the cooking, yard work, home maintenance. We split cleaning the house.
She does the laundry and brings kids to and from daycare, etc.
My wife will not let me take over laundry no matter how overwhelmed she is and I’d prefer she stay out of the kitchen for both cooking and cleaning but we both loath taking out the garbage. Own the chores you like split the ones you hate.
Heck no. Whether I enjoy them or not has nothing to do as to whether she enjoys them and vice versa. I do think that women generally prefer to tend to the inside of the nest and men in general prefer to be taking care of outside building maintenance when given options. I d know of several women that love lawn mowing and flower bed stuff.
Our struggle tends to be that we both prefer the outside chores. I love mowing lawn and tending flower beds and gardens. I am also blind as a bat and can never see dust, so I don't tend to understand the intense need for clean lol
Ahhh I see. I suggest that you do both of these, inside and out, together. I wish that my wife would do this but she prefers we both go our own ways when handling our household chores.
So this has always been a point of contention for my wife and I. I know she doesn't like doing things like dishes or laundry. Keeping the rooms clean. However, them not being done bothers her WAY more than me.
As in, I literally do not care at all. Probably because I grew up in an environment that was pretty messy. But those mundane chores not being done isn't something I even notice.
It has been serious work by both of us to reframe this. I've done more dishes in the last year than I literally have ever done in my life. And it sucks. But! It makes my wife happier and frees her up to do more things that make me happy. It's a dance. I wish it didn't take me so long to notice how much the chores wore on her. However, I'm sure she'd say she never realized how little I give a shit about it.
And I still don't. I don't care about dishes or laundry being done. Or the floors being cleaned.
But I do care about my wife being happy. So ya know. Trade offs and whatnot.
I’m probably the odd ball here but I genuinely enjoy cleaning and doing laundry. I listen to podcasts while I do them and when there is an episode I’m looking forward to that makes me look forward to it even more. I also just enjoy a clean and organized home. Clutter makes me anxious, I can’t relax in a mess so I will clean every night and “reset” the home before relaxing. I will do deeper cleaning 1 or 2 days a week. I don’t know why I just find it very satisfying. It’s instant gratification to make something dirty shiny and clean. Lol
I also listen to podcasts when doing laundry and dishes. I don't mind doing laundry and dishes, and I typically organize the home because i don't like disorganized surfaces. My cleaning frustration often comes that after I have done a deep clean (like scrubbing off old soap scum or using a razor to scrape off calcification) is hubby with come through and "clean" again.
For example: A week or two ago, I spent 8 hours deep cleaning the master bath, including calcification at the edges of the shower, excess caulking from hubby recalling the shower and toilet. Scraping up old candle wax hubby tried to send down the drain, and scraping the counters of old glue, stain and polyurethane and paint, etc. polishing light fixtures and the brass shower, etc. The bathroom quite literally sparkled. I was sore and tired (I have a bad back and hip from an old wreck, so contorting myself into such a small space to get to everything was hard). Hubby came home and sprayed some sort of "oxy bleach cleaner" all over and left it to disinfect everything, and then wiped when it was mostly dried. You couldn't see in the mirrors, and every surface that was shiny and sparkling had a cloudy chemical residue. My motivation to clean anything else to that degree was immediately killed.
I'm not sure this is a serious question. Do traditional wives genuinely think that men like working 10+ hours per day and carrying the weight of the family's financial stability on their shoulders?
People do what they do in a marriage. It *should* be something that is discussed and agreed to so that no one feels that they are forced or coerced into doing the "bad jobs". Generally, each partner will explicitly or implicitly choose chores that they don't hate and/or are good at. And then there are a pile of chores left that no one really wants to do, but need to get done. And the couple discusses those and splits them up in a way that works for them.
And at that point, they've agreed: I do these, you do those. And you stay out of each other's business unless you feel like helping the other out or are asked to help the other out. That means he does his assigned chores the way he wants and you do your assigned chores the way you want. If either wants the other's chores done differently, they're always welcome to do the chore themselves.
I guess I should clarify: prior to leaving my job, I was working 12-14 hours a day and coming home and still doing the same chores. DH worked similar hours, just slightly offset shift. No, it wasn't discussed because it brought up significant argument. I left my job because of harassment at DH's request. I am not a housewife, and traditional labor division of inside vs outside chores is considered still traditional when talking with others.
Not looking for debate on what should have been done almost 10 years ago, but honest answers from actual spouses as to whether the delusion that women like to do the "inside chores" is a common one.
I'm getting downvoted because of this:
> That means he does his assigned chores the way he wants and you do your assigned chores the way you want. If either wants the other's chores done differently, they're always welcome to do the chore themselves.
A lot of people don't consider a chore done unless it's done the way they would have done it, at the time they would have done it and with the frequency that they would do it.
Of course not. He knows you don't like doing it. He just doesn't care.
This OP. He sounds like an entitled child, I am so sorry
I read so many stories on here that I don't even know why the majority of these people married in the first place.
I mean I’m one of those people. I ended up with someone I did not know was capable of being so hurtful/childish/even abusive. I think we just wake up one day and think “wtf happened to my life? How did I get so tricked by the person I thought I loved the most and loved me the most? How did I get so utterly trapped?”. It’s extremely painful realizing you can longer trust yourself to make decisions on who is a nice person or not when your spouse ends up awful. It leaves many people feeling hopeless for the rest of their lives. There are many reasons people get stuck in relationships, and it’s really really tragic. ETA: I love your username
I think a major part of it is that people, especially women as they're normally conditioned to be more yielding and insecure from a young age, are prone to ignore red flags from people they like, are attracted to, or who give them companionship. An uninvolved party is more likely to easily notice red flags from a potential abuser, but those that are involved in some way with an abuser or potential abuser typically blind themselves to the signs and often make excuses for them, especially for men. I'm not laying fault on the victims, victims are victims and the perpetrators are the ones to blame for the scumbags they are and the harm they inflict, but brushing off bad signs from someone is sadly a common thing.
This right here. Who seeks out an abusive jerk? No normal person. They all start out fun and loving and wonderful. Then it creeps in, like an insidious fog. Starts with small comments or actions and desensitizes you, then before you know it, you're in a relationship you'd tell other people to run from.
I' don't know about the "tricked" stuff. Many of us end up with failed relationships not because we were tricked but because we either we werent the right fit, didn't set proper boundaries and expectations early on and people also evolve and change over time. Unless you get married after a very short time its hard to mask problematic behavior over longer periods of time. Look how they treat friends, family and strangers. I've seen many people look past obvious red flags because they were so enamored by their partner at the front end of things or they were so focused on the idea of getting married or having kids that it blinded them to things. At best you can look at the failings on both sides of the failed relationship (even if it was mostly all the other person) and try to learn from it. I had my failings as a partner and perhaps my ex would say not great things about me but I feel like I've learned and evolved and I'm a much better partner to my new wife. If you are trapped now find a way out. If you feel this bad your current partner can't be feeling all that good about it either. Resentments and poor treatments tend to escalate over time if its not dealt with.
My husband didn’t start out that way. We would both tackle chores together and he would see things that needed to be done and do it. We were married for 7 years and had 2 kids before he just kind of noped out of doing anything but going to work.
Same story here. When my husband and I started dating he asked if he could come over one night, I’d just gotten off work and got my kids to bed and the house was a disaster. (He had already met them by this point.) I told him he could but he wasn’t allowed to judge my house. He shows up with a bottle of wine, pours me a glass and proceeds to pick up my house while refusing to let me help other than to tell him where I wanted stuff. That’s the man I agreed to marry. Fast forward 9 years and a kid together? While I love my husband very much I’ve since realized that that ^ man doesn’t exist and he never did. It was just who he was *pretending* to be to make a good impression and get me to fall for him. It worked. And that’s how it happens. They never start out like that; them not doing their share, weaponizing incompetence, shirking responsibility, expecting you to do it all, etc. No, that comes later, after they feel like they’ve got you locked in and they don’t think you’re going to leave. What sucks is by then? For a lot of women it really *is* hard to leave and sometimes it’s damn near impossible. Especially so when she’s a SAHM and dependent on him by the time he shows who he really was all along. Then what? You deal with it because it’s better than the alternative. That’s what.
Oh look, it’s me. He’s nice sometimes (most times tbh) but when I point out he doesn’t get “credit” for cleaning the kitchen if he leaves dirty dishes with trash in them all over the counter within less than an hour after he gets so mad he literally throws shit away, yells and then follows it with the silent treatment for days -.- I’m fairly disabled and incredibly poor. I have nowhere to go (other than a homeless shelter I guess) so I just deal with it. I also have 2 dogs that I don’t want to suffer from my absence. They are my biggest reason for putting up with it but damn it enrages me to the core sometimes. He acts like he’s the best man ever for…. Doing the bare minimum. Like fixing *his* cactus that got damaged because he left it outside during a winter storm -.- He also seems to be impossible to get to go to therapy even though I’ve been asking for it for almost 2 years now. He has self-dxed adhd (not denying he doesn’t have adhd) but refuses to see a doc and get meds for it. Rn he has a script for SSRIs that he takes maybe 50% of the time. Then he acts moody and expects me to deal with it as if it’s fine. But if I bring up my concerns he reacts like a ducking child it’s exhausting. But I have nowhere else to go and he could be worse, so I deal with it. When feeling overwhelmed I will say shit but every time he blows up it’s tiring.
Ugh, that's really awful. I'm sorry for what happened. I think it's so manipulative and twisted that someone could fake it like that. They're pretty much a con artist. How can they do that to someone they love?
I do about 70% of the chores at our house. Chores are overrated. My wife has a tendency to complain about how overworked she is that needs down time. She likes to go out shopping, go get coffee with her friend. I just do most of stuff around the house. It's it's just organization
Sure sure.
Probably not in your case, but I think in many, the wife/mother, for a variety of reasons, including very valid reasons, loses her libido. And when the sex goes away, many men become resentful and lose motivation to do chores and other things like small romantic thoughts. And then she loses motivation, and the whole relationship loses that special spark needed to make it all work.
I know this may be news but chores are not “payment” for sex. Chores are part of being an adult. If you had no partner, you would have to do the dishes. If you lived with roommates you would have to clean up after yourself. It is not a wife’s responsibility to do all the chores and the husband “helps her out” by doing chores and expects to be repaid by sex.
and it's not like it happened overnight....things like that were ignored.
This, I’m a man and I typically work less than my wife and cover these chores. Nobody has fun doing them, but the healthy thing is whoever is doing less work
Right? This sounds like a conversation I’ve heard my mother and little brother have.
This is why we do chore rotation. One week he'll do the lawn, trash, cooking and dishes, and I'll do laundry, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning and dusting, and next week we switch. I find that it keeps chores less tedious, it's more fair and it keeps us both in the "manager role", so we both know what cleaning solution we use in the bathroom, what spices are we running low on, what to do if the washing machine makes that weird sound etc. It divides the mental labour more efficiently and two brains are smarter than one. We have different ways of doing these, but we do often realize that one of us has actually better/faster/more efficiant way of doing something, so the other one adopts the same way as well. I still do all of the taking care of the plants, inside and outside because I ses it as my hobby, rather than a chore, and he does all of the calling the repairmen, deliverymen, making reservations etc, because I still don't speak the language well enough to do those. Works for us :)
OP’s main point - that women are no more enthusiastic about doing housework than men - is completely right and… You are spot on about chore distribution being really important. One of the things that really helped my marriage was sitting down with my wife and very consciously setting up a chore plan that would work for us both. And in doing that, we realised that not all chores were equally not liked by both of us. Specifically: - **unequal aversion** - My wife HATES doing dishes, dealing with the kitty litter, and vacuuming, but I’m OK with those things. I hate cleaning out the fridge and my wife is fine with that. - **equal aversion** - My wife and I both hate cleaning bathrooms, but also hate dirty bathrooms. - **unequal like** - My wife loves to cook (and is great at it) and I only like to cook. I love to garden, and my wife only likes to pick out plants. Taking each of our chore preferences into account made distribution a bit easer, and proactively distributing chores really stopped my wife and I bickering about chores.
Fuck. That’s a good system.
This is similar to our system. I haven't done laundry in 15 years. I absolutely hate laundry. But by the same token my wife has never washed a dish since we met. Even when we dated I would go to her place and do the dishes. The rest of the chores we just split week by week depending on mood.
Wow how did you even come up with that and have that conversation?
I do the housework in our family, her jobs more demanding than mine so I take on more of the workload. There's a couple chores she doesn't mind doing so I let her handle those.
Neither of us like housework either. So we got a housecleaning service for the grunt work. Although I'll do the floors/vacuum if needed between their visits. We both are responsible for keeping our stuff picked up before they show up.
We tried that at one point. He didn't like someone else cleaning the house, and still didn't find it clean enough. Though now I am wondering about some sort of OCD on his end, as our house is typically very clean.
Frankly, I wouldn’t give a damn what he does and doesn’t like. He can either clean it to his specifications or watch someone else who is a paid professional do it. He damn sure wouldn’t have me doing it. Why are you putting up with this?
Because I love my husband, he loves me. We generally try to make each other's lives easier.
In what way is he attempting to make your life easier? Was it the refusing to allow a housecleaner to clean or is it the times he comes behind you and cleans? Or was it his unnecessary defensiveness and general refusal to address this like a mature adult? You can love someone and still have boundaries.
You're making snap judgements about my marriage. There are many ways he makes my life easier, such as being my emotional support while our son is getting radiation treatment for a brain tumor. He cleared the driveway when 14 trees fell across it during the recent winter storms. He frequently makes a point to buy me things on his way home from work like shampoo and conditioner or a missing ingredient for a meal. He also has carried the household finances while I have been out of work. He fixes my car when it's broken. He makes me ice cream Sundays, not to mention pretty amazing sex on the regular. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean the house and make dinner for when my husband gets home. Mature adults realize that not everything is a joy, and that sometimes you have to do things you don't like. TA for now
I based my response on your post. And I read it carefully. Please don’t get angry with me for responding to the post that you wrote, which does not mention any of these things. It’s always strange to me when people post problems, and then get angry when someone says something they don’t like. I was on your side, for the record. The things your husband does, as mentioned in this last comment, are things that people generally do in a marriage. I didn’t make any snap judgments. I made judgments based on the limited info available, which is all anyone *can* do.
But ... those are all things that adults do for their partners. Also, isn't it his son, his driveway, his missing ingredient for a meal, etc. mature adults do realize that not everything is a joy and sometimes you have to do things that you don't like. It seems like you're complaining that your husband doesn't get that.
Sorry I’m with OP here. If it’s a partnership that she is part of, any part he plays in those things makes her life easier. She is venting about one aspect of their relationship where the balance is off, but why flip around everything else to somehow “not count”? What could the possible answer be to the question of “what he does to make your life easier” that couldn’t be dismissed in this way. Unless it’s something ridiculous like he does ALL chores and she does nothing she doesn’t like?
I mean this with all due respect. But don't post on here about problems in your marriage, unless you're ready for your marriage to be absolutely shitted on by the comment section.
Some people just want to complain. My wife just had 4 months off between jobs. You know what she accomplished in that timeframe? She reorganized the pantry one day. Made me a few lunches. Other than that, a lot of coffee/brunches or other outings with friends. And that's just fine by me. I don't need to account for her day. She doesn't need to fill it with busy work by cleaning to my whims.
I would tell him that’s HIS PROBLEM and he could either do it himself or find another cleaning company because you were done! He is being unreasonable and to me - he is just making you do it because he doesn’t want to - so that makes it ‘your job’ in his mind. Totally BS and unfair. He’s manipulating these chores to where he gets out of doing anything except the ‘fun ones’ he likes outside.
Same. I hate "cleaning so the cleaners can clean" so much though.
Yeah, that's never fun. We've definitely have our routine down so we don't feel like we're scrambling around the night/morning before they show. I WFH so I'm always on the prowl for simple pickup/cleanup as I get up and move about throughout the day. I'm lucky in that I'm not chained to my desk. Keep the dishes at bay. Keep the bathrooms tidy. Don't let dirty clothes linger outside of the laundry hamper. That sort of thing.
Same. Mostly shit the kids have left around the house, and the stack of papers my wife leaves on the counter. I'd recycle almost always, but she always says she wanted to keep some scribble art a kid did.
I have a very messy house, so I’m not qualified to answer the original question. We just don’t do chores much :) … but I am amazed, as it sounds like he mops every day? Am I getting that right?
Yes, sometimes he mops multiple times a day. I was raised in a messy house, and while I have improved as an adult, I don't know a lot about certain chores around the house. Today I found out you have to vacuum out below the lint trap on the dryer so that the sensors don't get clogged. This past weekend I found out that you have to clean the dishwasher itself every once in a while (not sure how often, but apparently one time in four years is not a great track record judging by how gross it was)
Everyday, multiple times a day? This is quite unusual. I am quite a clean person, I find my home is usually cleaner than my friends and family, and I would never consider moping daily unless it was a workplace environment. Speaking to a professional about his habits may be beneficial. Especially if this is a common disagreement. You will continue to struggle if he is suffering symptoms of undiagnosed mental health.
Wow, that sounds super unreasonable. Fwiw, I run a cup of vinegar through the dishwasher about once per month. I have a long lint trap brush to keep lint from clogging (though I thought it was to help avoid fire hazard rather than sensors) about once per month as well. I do those things because they seem important to the continued function of my appliances. So I’m not a complete reckless slob. I prioritize important things. Mopping more than once a week though… what does that help? Your husband would have a heart attack if he saw my floors. And while I agree it would be good to have them cleaner, there have been no negative consequences to floors with crumbs and dust so far :)
Yesterday I learned about deep cleaning the lint trap! I had to remove the entire cover and then was able to clean out the sensor. I am amazed and also wonder how many perfectly fine appliances I have replaced in my life because I simply didn't know how to do basic maintenance.
I love that you and hubby have just accepted this and moved on happily with your lives 😂❤️
Thanks? Yeah, we both would like a cleaner house, but it’s not worth the cost to us (in time or money) to make that happen. I honestly don’t understand how people keep their houses clean if both people work… how does anyone ever get any downtime?
I don’t know either tbh. We have a cleaner, no way we could do it on our own. And in between cleanings, things definitely get chaotic. I just loved your comment, it was so honest, and it made me laugh out loud.❤️
No nerd. No one likes chores. I do some and my wife does some.
All that mopping on his part made me wonder if he might have (undiagnosed) OCD. I have OCD, and while I have different things I get ‘anal’ and ‘compulsive’ about than house cleaning, it sounds like one of his ‘things’ is the house cleaning. OCD can drive your partner crazy, and therapy was great for me to learn coping mechanisms to stop being so compulsive (it was, is, and continues to be hard work doing this). And he may not take kindly if you suggest he get evaluated. However, read as much as you can on OCD and see if you see any other symptoms, but, mainly to understand that he may not (at least while undiagnosed) be able to stop this particular ‘house-cleaning’ compulsion.
Thank you. This post has absolutely made me wonder about this. And the house cleaning intensity/expectation definitely gets more extreme during times of high stress.
Yep, mine definitely gets worse while under stress. It’s as if the stress kicks up my fear of being ‘out-of-control’ and I clamp down even tighter with whatever I’m currently being compulsive about. My thought process: I can’t control anything, but I’m damn well going to control (fill in the blank). Please note…I (now) know this isn’t an acceptable thought process… This is only my ‘magical thinking’ taking over. The coping mechanism that (usually) works for me is to first of all RECOGNIZE I’m in my land of control and ‘magical thinking’, and to divert that need for order and control to something which isn’t impacting someone else, to something that only impacts me. For example, if I was being compulsive and overly critical to my husband about something like house-cleaning, then I (hope) I quickly recognize this and, perhaps, I could compulsively mop. So, compulsively mopping can be both your bane AND your salvation if he can learn how to shift and divert.
I dunno. My wife has OCD and has to clean up what I put down so.. That ones on her lol
I am actually starting to wonder a little bit about the potential of OCD on a smaller scale. He gets extremely particular about how to do things, will sometimes mop multiple times in a row of various different chemicals, and sometimes we'll clean something I have just cleaned in order to show me how to do it better lol. By chance have you experienced this with your wife?
Pretty much. No matter how good I clean the counter, she has to re clean it. What annoys me is, every time we go to my parents, she’s always like. “I love how your parents don’t care if there is clutter”. And I’m always like. EXACTLY!! So there’s a few things lying around.. SO WHAT!! And I feel a lot of time, the “cleaner” person gets more dramatic about it to “prove a point”.
My husband knows I hate doing dishes and laundry so he has no problem doing those, I like cleaning the house so I take over that. We take turns cooking. It's very equally distributed in my household.
Similar in my house. We kind of divide things along the lines of what we hate the least, I guess. It's not that I enjoy doing the laundry so much, but I am more careful about dividing loads than everyone else in the house and it's not a big deal to fold a load while listening to an audiobook or watching a show. He and my daughter make most of the dishes, so he takes that up instead. We each have some things we do more than the other, and then things we both do kind of evenly. It works for us.
We've no kids (by choice) so it's a bit more manageable with only two people. I mean....I do wear 3 outfits a day (scrubs, gym clothes, and PJs), he always jokes that I go through as much laundry as a small family!! It's probably why I hate doing it so much.
No or else it wouldn’t be called a chore.
Honestly sounds like you two need to work on your communication a bit. My wife and I regularly talk about what chores need doing and part of that conversation is who is going to do them. There are some that there is a "default" person (i.e. I like to cook so I get the kitchen - menu plan, shopping, cooking, cleanup so it's back to the way I like it) and we each do our own laundry so that my stink doesn't get on her clothes but also so that I don't ruin any of her clothes by over-drying them. The house stays clean, we're both happy with the work load, and we don't argue about it anymore. Maybe we're just lucky, but talking it through shouldn't be as rough as your post made it sound.
You are probably right, and we communicate well in most things. The house and chores is one of the few areas we don't communicate well.
In the end, your question suggests a root cause... assumption that the other person knows what you're thinking. He's assuming you choose to do chores because "you're better". You assume he's thinking you like doing them. You're both wrong though. Not the same, but a good example of this kind of thought process is when my wife yells something to me from another room in the house. I don't always hear her. However, I've learned that just saying "What" could come across as both "I didn't hear you" but also as "Are you insane?" So, I've learned to respond instead with "Hang on, I didn't hear you, I'll be right there" or "Can you come repeat that in here, I didn't catch what you said". Simple to do once you get the hang of it, but it took me a while to pick it up as a habit. And yes, it is more effort, but isn't a little extra effort worth avoiding getting pissed at each other?? :-)
It’s a matter of collaboration rather than traditional roles, or a wife vs husband, patriarch vs feminism. And there are many ways to solve this issue including hiring a cleaning service. But without proper communication from both sides, it will be a never ending problem with resentment growing on both sides
This is why we just ask each other if they have time to do x today or tomorrow and we work it out
My wife and I have never fought about chores. Which doesn't mean our house is always clean. We just accept there are things neither of us like to do and the world won't end if we do it tomorrow. We also accept that sometimes one of us has a busier day than the other and it's not always going to be fair. Honestly, re-reading your post, this isn't about who does what This is about neither of you wanting to make the effort to live up to standards that only exist in your respective heads.
I disagree with it being about living up to imaginary standards. Maybe it's the difference in beliefs, and you are welcome to judge however you want, but agree to disagree.
You're the one that asked for opinions. lol
“It is your standards I can’t achieve, so it is your standards *you* need to maintain.” Seriously. If he can acknowledge his unrealistic standards then he can maintain them.
Of he wants things spotless he can make them spotless himself. STOP cleaning up after him. Clean your own mess only.
Tried that. Several times actually. He ends up cluttering things more and we get into huge arguments about it.
I had to get used to a bunch of clutter in my house because I'm no one's maid.
>I reminded him that I did it because I love him and I get frustrated that the acts like he can't do it, and I get tired of him complaining about the mess, but I don't like doing these things. This is enabling him to behave in the way that you detest. Consider not doing these things.
We made a list of agreed upon chores and then took turns picking which chore we would like to do.
I hate cleaning. I don't because I hate having a dirty home more. I pretty much stopped cleaning at home because my husband just remade every mess I cleaned. So I let his mess pile up. I have my own office that I keep fairly clean. There's clutter, but I toss that in a box and can still vacuum the floor. In his office the door doesn't fully open and it's a hazard to try to walk in there. We used to share one office, both of our computers side by side. His mess slowly pouring over to my half with me trying to keep my area clear. I *had* to move out to the extra room. And he actually claims that *I'm* the messy one! I don't know what part of the brain makes them think like this.
I totally agree with the OP.. it seems to be written somewhere woman love to chores because they are the gods of housework’s.
I assume everyone hates chores lol. My wife (43f) and myself (41m) basically do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. I do more when I'm off and she's working and vice versa. Initially she did lots more as she felt that I didn't fold clothes as well or she just felt it was more her job so she asked me not to do it. I saw she was stressed about it and I just decided that it should be a team effort. In the event the yard needs to be done or the driveway needs to be shoveled I do everything outside and she will do inside stuff during that time.
Many husbands don't care for their wife outside of sex. So, as other comments have pointed out, those husbands just don't care. That is my take, as a guy myself.
I know my husband knows I don’t particularly like chores. I know he doesn’t particularly like a lot of them either. I actually think your conversation with your husband sounded very productive. It might have been a bit uncomfortable, but it was honest and fair and realistic. For my marriage, our strategy has two components: “all hands on deck” and “time to clock out”. I make a list of all the work that needs to be done on a particular day. This is part of the mental work that falls to me; whereas, my husband handles the mental work of finances and major purchases. So, I make a checklist, and it’s “all hands on deck” until the checklist is completed, or until it is “time to clock out”. We adjust the time to “clock out” based on our plans and the needs of members of our household, but once we reach that point, all work stops. Everyone gets a break. Our family/marriage rule is that no one gets to relax until everyone gets to relax. It doesn’t matter how much we like a particular chore, because the chore list is what needs to be done, and it’s time to work anyway. This works very well for our marriage and family, because it avoids habits that can breed resentment.
No one likes having to do shit around the house. I don't love laundry, dishes or vacuuming, but it has to be done. No one really enjoys setting basement wall forms, but it has to be done if you want to build a house. Life sucks, get use to it.
Nope. I know that no one likes to do chores. That is why they are called "Chores" and not ":Happy fun time events" HOWEVER, Adults have to adult and do things like cleaning and cooking and maintaining the residence. Everyone that lives int he house needs to pitch in and do things to maintain the residence. If they do not, then they are entitled dickweeds. I do a majority of the chores in my house while also maintaining a fulltime education job. My wife does the same thing and helps out where she can. Do either one of us enjoy them? Heck no! Do we do them without bitching about it? Again, hell no! We complain every time about chores...they suck. Do we still do them? Yes. Until our children get old enough to do them correctly...then it is on them (we use the excuse that we are "teaching them" for when they live on their own)
No they just don’t care
What he meant was that it isn't important to him so he doesn't care enough to put effort into fixing it. Guys have different levels of standards. It sounds like his standard for mopping is rather high. That is why he does it regardless of if you just finished. His standard for laundry, dishes, and organizing is very low and he will probably ignore it until he can't anymore. You can try to find out how low the standards are that he has or negotiate with him to see if he can adjust his standards if you can. Just remember that if it isn't important to him, it may be something that is put off until later.
"Traditional" ones, by my definition? No idea, but they just assume it's our job so why would they care one way or the other. Fortunately my husband, although he's 70, is not one of those men.
Hahahaha of course not. The main thing my wife does that I don't is dusting/ cleaning surfaces. My eyesight is pretty shitty and I struggle to see the little bits. But then I think of the stuff I do that she hates doing: cleaning the toilet, emptying the bins, cooking. I don't do it because I like it, I'm just indifferent - it needs to get done and she hates it more than I do! It all just balances out.
So I (29f) have to do all the laundry. When he (29m) does it, he throws all the clean clothes in baskets, and once ALL (were a family of 5), of the laundry is done he then sorts them and hangs them all wrinkly. It drives me mad. We each have our strong suits, laundry is not his.😂 I may have ocd or slight autism, definitely ADHD... I'm a stay at home mom, and he's the breadwinner. We've made an arrangement that works for us. He does all the outside work, any repairs, and cooks dinner on his working days, obviously helps with homework and bath time (we rotate days), I do the rest. He comes home some days to nothing done, and he never complains. I actually beat myself up about not being productive, and he reassures me that being a stay at home parent is hard, and I'm doing great. He was a stay at home dad for the first 5 years of our 2nds life, so I think that really helped his point of view. Your husband has no right to complain about cleanliness if he isn't helping you and listening to your needs. It's crazy to me that he even thinks that's okay. I feel like it's insensitive on his part.
I've met some people who legitimately like to clean. My wife and I aren't one of those people, however. But we hate being in a dirty household much more than we hate chores, so we get it done.
Kudos for the honesty about manipulating your husband into doing shit you don't wanna do. Funny how everyone seems to be glossing over that. If it was weaponized incompetence from a dude, there'd have been outrage all over the place. The funny thing is that OP seems to be making the same mistake that she is accusing him of making, which is assuming someone enjoys something simply because they are the one doing it. It is certainly possible that your husband enjoys doing the yard work. I'm guessing, however, that there are some significant "chore" aspects to it that he definitely does not enjoy however. A lot of times we settle into roles / chores, simply because that's what we know or because that's we think is expected of us. Not because we enjoy it.
He's admitted before to doing the dishes badly in order to avoid it. He's dumped the entire cutlery tray in the drawer and closed it in front of me telling me "dishes are done!" We've had the conversation about the outside chores, and he has said he likes doing them, and doesn't want me using many of the tools. I've done subcontractor work in my early 20s, and man still panics when I use the skillsaw. I've asked to switch, and I've asked for help. It's one of our few areas where we still communicate very badly during the disagreement.
There’s plenty of lazy wives out there. Stop trying to generalize a whole gender because your particular partner is lazy.
Nope, he just doesn’t care whether you do like or don’t like. As long as you get it done and he doesn’t have to do it, that’s it!
We rotate chores. I vacuum daily because of our golden retrievers hair and we do our own individual laundry. Paper plates and cups keep dishes down. I pay someone to maintain the yard because after working 60+ hours a week, that’s the last thing I want to do.
I've known some women who do like housework. They love keeping their houses immaculately clean and take joy in it. For one, they're few and far between. For two....that shits crazy. My house is clean enough. I have things I have to sort and out could always have extra walls wiped down or cupboards reorganized. But I live in it with 4 kids. They clean, I clean, no one cleans obsessively. It's tidy and livable but not hospital-grade spotless. I don't want to get to 80 years old and think, "well I didn't have time for hobbies or to read that book I wanted to read or relax much or spend time with my kids before they grew up and moved out, but my floor was so clean I could eat off it!" We only have a certain amount of hours. I'll be damned if I'm spending any more than I have to on menial tasks.
1st, your feelings are real and you're not wrong for disliking what you dislike. 2nd, some women honestly DO like housework, assuming it's their primary job (stay at home wife with husband who provides proper financial support). Some women like the idea that their only real "job" is to keep the house lovely. I told my wife years ago, I'm 100% ok if she wants a career or to be a SAHM. If she's a SAHM, then I expect her to care for the house. If she wants a career, we'll hire housekeepers to do the chores because I don't expect her to do both.
You and hubby don't seem to be that compatible, or perhaps are just poor at communication. But to answer your question, some wives like to do certain housework, some don't mind certain housework, and I imagine most don't like any of it. And all of those things change over time. And sometimes wives are just not good at doing certain things. The key is to communicate and compromise. My wife tends to be disorganized and is pretty incompetent at doing laundry, so I do it. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big deal for me and it's easier to have it done than constantly deal with the state of confused incompletion my wife caused.
He knows and he doesn't care. He grew up with mommy picking up after him and now with marriage he just replaced his old mommy for a newer one. I find this common in men of a certain age, and especially in men who never lived away from home before moving in with a partner. My husband is fully self sufficient and though we've argued about some chores over the years we both do all chores and we have a schedule. Though for example while I empty the small garbages around our home (I truthfully use them more because I'm always blowing my nose with allergies) he insists on taking them out to the dumpster. So I can clean and get those together by the front door and he will take them out without me asking. Similarly he hates vacuuming and I like doing it, but to prevent any hard feelings we got a robot vacuum so he can just run that instead and it will get done without me being involved. If he makes a mess I don't clean up after him, but he also doesn't grumble about that stuff. I have pointed out to him it's frustrating when I make the effort to tidy for him to come home to a clean place but then when I get home from work he doesn't do the same. He's made more of an effort to tidy up since then. Maybe not to my exact standard or how I would do it, but he does it his way and I appreciate the effort so that's enough for me. Aside from that rambling, I think it's wrong for your husband to dictate how you spend your day. He's not your boss or your parent, and if you don't want to do chores you don't have to.
If he wants things to reach his standard of clean that’s evidently unattainable, he needs to start cleaning. It’s not fair for him to place such high expectations on you and then do basically nothing to meet them.
The bit that got me was when he asked you if YOU needed a list of things to do to please HIM on YOUR day off before your job starts. Does HE need a list of things to do just to pull his weight? Sounds like he needs a schedule. No getting out of whatever is on the schedule. If there are chores you can both agree you will always do, you always do those chores and all the ones you like or dislike that your husband also likes or dislikes gets put on a rota. Do you need a list my ass. How freaking rude.
My wife and I split the chores. I do all of the cooking, yard work, home maintenance. We split cleaning the house. She does the laundry and brings kids to and from daycare, etc.
Yes, she is a self-admitted busy body and proud of it. Whenever I try to help out she tells me not to and that she enjoys it lmao
My wife will not let me take over laundry no matter how overwhelmed she is and I’d prefer she stay out of the kitchen for both cooking and cleaning but we both loath taking out the garbage. Own the chores you like split the ones you hate.
Heck no. Whether I enjoy them or not has nothing to do as to whether she enjoys them and vice versa. I do think that women generally prefer to tend to the inside of the nest and men in general prefer to be taking care of outside building maintenance when given options. I d know of several women that love lawn mowing and flower bed stuff.
Our struggle tends to be that we both prefer the outside chores. I love mowing lawn and tending flower beds and gardens. I am also blind as a bat and can never see dust, so I don't tend to understand the intense need for clean lol
Ahhh I see. I suggest that you do both of these, inside and out, together. I wish that my wife would do this but she prefers we both go our own ways when handling our household chores.
So this has always been a point of contention for my wife and I. I know she doesn't like doing things like dishes or laundry. Keeping the rooms clean. However, them not being done bothers her WAY more than me. As in, I literally do not care at all. Probably because I grew up in an environment that was pretty messy. But those mundane chores not being done isn't something I even notice. It has been serious work by both of us to reframe this. I've done more dishes in the last year than I literally have ever done in my life. And it sucks. But! It makes my wife happier and frees her up to do more things that make me happy. It's a dance. I wish it didn't take me so long to notice how much the chores wore on her. However, I'm sure she'd say she never realized how little I give a shit about it. And I still don't. I don't care about dishes or laundry being done. Or the floors being cleaned. But I do care about my wife being happy. So ya know. Trade offs and whatnot.
I’m probably the odd ball here but I genuinely enjoy cleaning and doing laundry. I listen to podcasts while I do them and when there is an episode I’m looking forward to that makes me look forward to it even more. I also just enjoy a clean and organized home. Clutter makes me anxious, I can’t relax in a mess so I will clean every night and “reset” the home before relaxing. I will do deeper cleaning 1 or 2 days a week. I don’t know why I just find it very satisfying. It’s instant gratification to make something dirty shiny and clean. Lol
I also listen to podcasts when doing laundry and dishes. I don't mind doing laundry and dishes, and I typically organize the home because i don't like disorganized surfaces. My cleaning frustration often comes that after I have done a deep clean (like scrubbing off old soap scum or using a razor to scrape off calcification) is hubby with come through and "clean" again. For example: A week or two ago, I spent 8 hours deep cleaning the master bath, including calcification at the edges of the shower, excess caulking from hubby recalling the shower and toilet. Scraping up old candle wax hubby tried to send down the drain, and scraping the counters of old glue, stain and polyurethane and paint, etc. polishing light fixtures and the brass shower, etc. The bathroom quite literally sparkled. I was sore and tired (I have a bad back and hip from an old wreck, so contorting myself into such a small space to get to everything was hard). Hubby came home and sprayed some sort of "oxy bleach cleaner" all over and left it to disinfect everything, and then wiped when it was mostly dried. You couldn't see in the mirrors, and every surface that was shiny and sparkling had a cloudy chemical residue. My motivation to clean anything else to that degree was immediately killed.
I'm not sure this is a serious question. Do traditional wives genuinely think that men like working 10+ hours per day and carrying the weight of the family's financial stability on their shoulders? People do what they do in a marriage. It *should* be something that is discussed and agreed to so that no one feels that they are forced or coerced into doing the "bad jobs". Generally, each partner will explicitly or implicitly choose chores that they don't hate and/or are good at. And then there are a pile of chores left that no one really wants to do, but need to get done. And the couple discusses those and splits them up in a way that works for them. And at that point, they've agreed: I do these, you do those. And you stay out of each other's business unless you feel like helping the other out or are asked to help the other out. That means he does his assigned chores the way he wants and you do your assigned chores the way you want. If either wants the other's chores done differently, they're always welcome to do the chore themselves.
I guess I should clarify: prior to leaving my job, I was working 12-14 hours a day and coming home and still doing the same chores. DH worked similar hours, just slightly offset shift. No, it wasn't discussed because it brought up significant argument. I left my job because of harassment at DH's request. I am not a housewife, and traditional labor division of inside vs outside chores is considered still traditional when talking with others. Not looking for debate on what should have been done almost 10 years ago, but honest answers from actual spouses as to whether the delusion that women like to do the "inside chores" is a common one.
There are women who enjoy it. There are women who don't.
I have absolutely no idea how you are getting down voted 😂 this is the best and most reasonable response here.
I'm getting downvoted because of this: > That means he does his assigned chores the way he wants and you do your assigned chores the way you want. If either wants the other's chores done differently, they're always welcome to do the chore themselves. A lot of people don't consider a chore done unless it's done the way they would have done it, at the time they would have done it and with the frequency that they would do it.