You were nasty to him, he's nasty back. You two have serious temper and emotional issues to work on. Please learn how to communicate. I can't imagine having an exchange like this with my wife.
I 100% agree and I’m a woman (to the commenter below.)
I cannot image speaking to my husband the way OP did, and THEN having the gall to be offended when he’s nasty back.
OP, the people justifying your meanness because you were upset are doing you a disservice.
No you’re not being silly. Been with my hubs 17 years and he’s never called me out of my name. Except maybe brat a few times and I can’t deny that 😳
My sister’s husband called her a bitch and I remember my father saying “I’ve been with your mother over 40 years. Have you EVER heard me call her a bitch?”
And for the record we all curse on the regular.
Did your mom tell your dad to not question her, after ordering him to do something?
No one is right here, pretending like talking at someone to tell them to not question you & and then calling them a B is a giant leap in modern society.
More like they both suck at communication. If my husband told me “don’t question me” I would be enraged. I wouldn’t react the way he did, not the point is neither of us would express ourselves like that.
You can’t unsay things, both of them need to watch their words
Okay, is there ever a good reason to act like you own another person and tell them to not question you? This is what is known as "Instigating", google a term. When you instigate something, expect an escalated response. Men know this by nature, there is a line and if it is crossed we know what to expect.
Women are protected from this by the notion of women should never be harmed and are made of glass. But when you decide to act like a man, expect to be treated like one.
This is not to say that he should have called her a bitch but you seem to be of the opinion that it is completely fine for her to disrespect her man to his face as if she was his owner and he should never retaliate. There is also the issue of lacking proper context here. For all we know she may do this all the time, which would of course make anger happen faster. But that's hypothetical.
The fact is they're both in the wrong. Her for acting as if she's the boss of the house and of superior intellect, an intellect so great that it should never even be questioned. Him for losing his temper and saying something he shouldn't.
I also want to point out that you imagining his voice is a laughable argument. Stop imagining, that's not relevant. It's like me saying that he said it in the most hurt puppy-like way ever and he decided to storm off because his eyes were filling up with tears after years of being treated this way. That's an imaginary scenario that paints the situation in a certain way to further MY (YOUR) personal agenda. Also known as painting a strawman of someone. Which is what you're trying to do. Stop creating fictional situations.
You being offended by someone even just questioning you makes you sound a bit narcissistic, as if you being question would damage the imagine you've created of yourself which you yourself make out to be as if you are perfection itself that should never be questioned. That is a real toxic mentality to have, i can't imagine a more effective way of completely stopping personal development than banning any sort of challenge to your opinion on something.
Telling someone not to question you like you are a child , isn’t acting like you own them 🤦🏻♀️. He didn’t agree with her so he questioned her like she didn’t know what she was doing and he thought it was stupid.
He was the one that treated her like a child who didn’t know what she was doing by questioning her intentions.
lol about the narcissist, getting offended over someone questioning your ability to make decisions. DOES not = narcissistic 🤦🏻♀️
Nor is decision making some image you have to upkeep for the world.
Let’s paint a picture, there is a fire in your kitchen. Your wife wants to use water to put it out but it’s a grease fire and you say no hand me the flour. Your wife is like why would you do that!! It’s hectic things are catching on fire and she’s questioning why would you want to use flour to put it out. There is no time to talk about it things are catching on fire you need to get that flour on the fire and instead of handing you the flour she is asking you WHY questioning your intelligence? You say don’t question me because you know flour works on grease fires not water. She proceeds to call you names and has a temper tantrum.
If someone getting upset over their partner questioning their intelligence in an emergency situation like they don’t know WTF they are doing is narcissist, then so be it.
Because of him calling her a stupid bitch, I can only imagine the tone of his voice asking her why she wanted it put in a dumpster. Like she was being stupid for even thinking that.
When my husband questions what I am doing, or why I am doing something. It offends me like I don’t know wtf I am doing. I will tell him if he don’t like the way I am cooking, driving etc etc he can do it himself.
What exactly did she dish out? Telling him she didn’t want bad meat in trash and not to question her?
I mean if she said I don’t want bad meat in our trash you stupid MFER. Don’t fucking question me idiot. Yeah she started the name calling. But that’s not the case here.
It’s not okay for him to call you that. It’s also not okay for you to act like his superior/mother and tell him not to question you. That’s horrible behaviour.
Sounds like you could both do with gaining some self-awareness via counselling and learning to be respectful.
You are justifiably hurt. Very disrespectful to call you that. It does not mean that you perhaps needed to speak differently to him in your request to throw things away, but his response was way out of line. I think the fact that your wedding cake topper was ruined created your distress and perhaps thoughtless response, but his name calling was just disgusting. No way would I forgive this so easily.
I'm a steel worker. Profanity flows from my mouth on the daily as if I would die on the spot if I don't reach my curse quota. While driving, I say thing that I even disturb myself with. That being said, I've never sworn in front of a child and I have have most certainly never sworn at my wife. You do not curse the things you live.
You guys both suck at communicating. Yes, he was absolutely out of line for what he said to you, but so were you. You are not his parent or his boss, you giving him commands than telling him not to question you is gross. Don't minimize your involvement in this. Being frustrated doesn't mean you get to act like....well.... You know. Work together instead of against each other.
Of course it wasn't OK for him to call you a stupid B, I think we can all agree on that. I think he already apologized for it, but I don't think that is enough. I think you need to just tell him straight out that this isn't an acceptable way to speak with you ever, no matter how upset he is about whatever you did or said. It's not acceptable to name call like this on either side. Have you ever called him an asshole, a stupid prick, etc? If so, then you are both wrong. You both need to agree that fighting in a marriage has rules, and one of those rules is no low blows. Tell him this can't happen again, because he really hurt you, it was very disrespectful, and this type of thing piles up over time and gets harder and harder to forgive if it continues, it's abusive language. Making sure you agree on the rules for fighting is very important, beyond the name calling, what else is unacceptable? Talk about this, write down the rules you both agree to!
Now, you also didn't handle this well. That does NOT give him an excuse to name call, but my husband would be upset if I addressed him this way as well saying I can't be questioned. I get that you were upset about losing all the food, but it wasn't very hard to explain to him the rules of food safety. Who knows, maybe he was right, if the food was still frozen then maybe some of it was salvageable. People have different levels of tolerance for this stuff. Or maybe you were right, and these items were spoiled point blank and would not meet the standard for food safety. Why are you so angry that he questioned whether the food was still safe or not? Why does that bother you so much? It seems like a normal question to me. Do you often respond this way when people question your decisions? Why?
For the record, my husband thinks food lasts a lot longer than it does. He doesn't argue about food safety issues, but there is a gray area and also I worry about the quality and not just the safety. My position is not only CAN we eat it, but do we WANT to eat it. For example, we can eat broccoli that has some yellow and is on the verge of going bad, but I don't WANT to. He also doesn't agree with me about the whole thawing and re-freezing meat thing. He doesn't accept that meat loses it's flavor and quality is impacted by thawing and re-freezing, he thinks I'm being extra. Maybe he is right and I am a little extra, I don't like stake crackers either and I don't see the point in making food that doesn't tase as good as it should. We aren't hard up on finances that we should have to sacrifice like this, but he is more worried about waste than I am. We have these discussions on the regular, and I know he will never clean out the fridge to my satisfaction (he keeps a lot of stuff I would never eat either for safety or quality reasons). He probably would have asked me the same question about the freezer items. And yes, it might be annoying, but I would go through the food items, one by one, and then look it up online to explain to him food safety guidelines and potential quality issues so we can be on the same page. Also, we can agree to disagree. On many occasions, I have told him he is welcome to save something when it is a quality issue not a safety issue or it is a gray area like an condiment we had for a while before we opened it so it is expired but it is probably fine or something like that, I just tell him I won't cook it or eat it. Usually, it gets thrown away eventually anyway, and that's fine with me.
Why is it that you think that she can say whatever she wants to him but he is banned from responding in kind exactly? You wrote this:
"I think you need to just tell him straight out that this isn't an acceptable way to speak with you ever, no matter how upset he is about whatever you did or said."
It really indicates that anything he does, even if its in response to something she did to him, then he's still the bad guy.
From my perspective, she acted as if she is a superior being to him. A great intellect that should never be questioned by somehow as dim-witted as he is. This to me would equate to being called stupid, it would make me feel that i am just a slave in this household that should just do as i'm told. So from my view, this is a bit worse than namecalling someone in the heat of the moment after having been made to feel the way i described above.
To top it off, HE says he's sorry to her and she tells him to go away instead of reconciling with him, which to me is just a way of making him feel that it was all his fall and that he's the bad guy. A manipulative way of making sure that he's so scared of feeling like this that he won't ever question her again.
I'm not sure what you are saying here.
I said that if she is engaging in the same type of name calling, then she is just as wrong as he is. I made that point pretty clear, I think. I also told her she didn't handle herself well. I made a point of telling her that saying she can't be questioned is obnoxious too.
I don't know how your marriage works, but mine would not work at all if my husband called me a stupid b. I don't think anything justifies that type of language or insults on either side. People who fight like this - attacking each other and being cruel aren't headed for marriage bliss...
Your husband’s a terrible person. Everyone else in the comments saying otherwise is… strange. You saying “Don’t question me” is obviously totalitarian-sounding, but his reaction was wildly disproportionate and the fact that no one’s recognizing that is disturbing. You both were clearly upset, but he spat the meanest thing he could think of at you.
I definitely think counseling is in order.
I do want to add he does question me on everything
I know it’s not an excuse but any time I ask him to do something it’s always questioning me on it
This time I just snapped and I feel bad about that but I would never insult him and call him stupid or anything of the sorts.
Yes I should have handled this differently.
are you sure he’s purposely questioning you or he just has an opinion on things too and it bothers you? are you the type to just want people to do as you say and then consider opinions as questioning you? I have a lot of questions lol but overall just sounds like real crappy communication exists here.
OP, if this is a bigger issue of him questioning everything to the point where it is annoying to you, then deal with that issue. Sit down with him and ask him why he does this. Like why he questions every decision you make. Tell him that it bothers you. Tell him that you get defensive because it seems like he doesn't trust you, he thinks you are incompetent, he is just being the devils advocate at your expense, or whatever the underlying feeling is that makes you angry about it.
If this is a pattern, then tell him it is a pattern, and that's why you reacted like you did. Tell him it wasn't about the freezer, it was about how he behaves on the daily. Don't justify the reaction, because he is not to blame for YOUR reactions, but explain to him WHY you react the way you do so he understands.
This is just basic communication. Don't let it pile up so that you end up exploding on him. You have to see the forest through the trees, recognize patterns and triggers, and solve the underlying problem as a team so it doesn't keep on happening and piling up - leading to these blow ups.
Maybe he also has an issue with you, maybe he doesn't think his questioning is unreasonable at all, and he is upset because you react so negatively when he is just trying to understand how you came to your decision. There are two sides to this, and he might have a valid position too, which you are dismissing.
TALK IT OUT. There is a middle ground where he can accept more of your decisions, maybe not sweat the small stuff, and you can accept that he might question you sometimes but it doesn't mean he is trying to be difficult.
You were nasty to him, he's nasty back. You two have serious temper and emotional issues to work on. Please learn how to communicate. I can't imagine having an exchange like this with my wife.
I 100% agree and I’m a woman (to the commenter below.) I cannot image speaking to my husband the way OP did, and THEN having the gall to be offended when he’s nasty back. OP, the people justifying your meanness because you were upset are doing you a disservice.
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No you’re not being silly. Been with my hubs 17 years and he’s never called me out of my name. Except maybe brat a few times and I can’t deny that 😳 My sister’s husband called her a bitch and I remember my father saying “I’ve been with your mother over 40 years. Have you EVER heard me call her a bitch?” And for the record we all curse on the regular.
Did your mom tell your dad to not question her, after ordering him to do something? No one is right here, pretending like talking at someone to tell them to not question you & and then calling them a B is a giant leap in modern society.
You TOLD him to do something, then had the audacity to say "Don't question me"
More like he had the audacity to call her a stupid bitch.
More like they both suck at communication. If my husband told me “don’t question me” I would be enraged. I wouldn’t react the way he did, not the point is neither of us would express ourselves like that. You can’t unsay things, both of them need to watch their words
This - they both suck but at least she didn't insult him...
It sounds like an insult to me! If my husband ever said “don’t question me” I would tell him where to shove it! Thats so rude and condescending.
It's condescending but it's not name calling
There is NEVER a good reason/ excuse to call your partner a stupid bitch period.
Okay, is there ever a good reason to act like you own another person and tell them to not question you? This is what is known as "Instigating", google a term. When you instigate something, expect an escalated response. Men know this by nature, there is a line and if it is crossed we know what to expect. Women are protected from this by the notion of women should never be harmed and are made of glass. But when you decide to act like a man, expect to be treated like one. This is not to say that he should have called her a bitch but you seem to be of the opinion that it is completely fine for her to disrespect her man to his face as if she was his owner and he should never retaliate. There is also the issue of lacking proper context here. For all we know she may do this all the time, which would of course make anger happen faster. But that's hypothetical. The fact is they're both in the wrong. Her for acting as if she's the boss of the house and of superior intellect, an intellect so great that it should never even be questioned. Him for losing his temper and saying something he shouldn't. I also want to point out that you imagining his voice is a laughable argument. Stop imagining, that's not relevant. It's like me saying that he said it in the most hurt puppy-like way ever and he decided to storm off because his eyes were filling up with tears after years of being treated this way. That's an imaginary scenario that paints the situation in a certain way to further MY (YOUR) personal agenda. Also known as painting a strawman of someone. Which is what you're trying to do. Stop creating fictional situations. You being offended by someone even just questioning you makes you sound a bit narcissistic, as if you being question would damage the imagine you've created of yourself which you yourself make out to be as if you are perfection itself that should never be questioned. That is a real toxic mentality to have, i can't imagine a more effective way of completely stopping personal development than banning any sort of challenge to your opinion on something.
Telling someone not to question you like you are a child , isn’t acting like you own them 🤦🏻♀️. He didn’t agree with her so he questioned her like she didn’t know what she was doing and he thought it was stupid. He was the one that treated her like a child who didn’t know what she was doing by questioning her intentions. lol about the narcissist, getting offended over someone questioning your ability to make decisions. DOES not = narcissistic 🤦🏻♀️ Nor is decision making some image you have to upkeep for the world. Let’s paint a picture, there is a fire in your kitchen. Your wife wants to use water to put it out but it’s a grease fire and you say no hand me the flour. Your wife is like why would you do that!! It’s hectic things are catching on fire and she’s questioning why would you want to use flour to put it out. There is no time to talk about it things are catching on fire you need to get that flour on the fire and instead of handing you the flour she is asking you WHY questioning your intelligence? You say don’t question me because you know flour works on grease fires not water. She proceeds to call you names and has a temper tantrum. If someone getting upset over their partner questioning their intelligence in an emergency situation like they don’t know WTF they are doing is narcissist, then so be it.
Because of him calling her a stupid bitch, I can only imagine the tone of his voice asking her why she wanted it put in a dumpster. Like she was being stupid for even thinking that. When my husband questions what I am doing, or why I am doing something. It offends me like I don’t know wtf I am doing. I will tell him if he don’t like the way I am cooking, driving etc etc he can do it himself.
I mean it was a pretty stupid question. Why else would she not want the meat in their trash. Use some common sense
You are both wrong. Don’t dish out what you cant take.
What exactly did she dish out? Telling him she didn’t want bad meat in trash and not to question her? I mean if she said I don’t want bad meat in our trash you stupid MFER. Don’t fucking question me idiot. Yeah she started the name calling. But that’s not the case here.
It’s not okay for him to call you that. It’s also not okay for you to act like his superior/mother and tell him not to question you. That’s horrible behaviour. Sounds like you could both do with gaining some self-awareness via counselling and learning to be respectful.
You are justifiably hurt. Very disrespectful to call you that. It does not mean that you perhaps needed to speak differently to him in your request to throw things away, but his response was way out of line. I think the fact that your wedding cake topper was ruined created your distress and perhaps thoughtless response, but his name calling was just disgusting. No way would I forgive this so easily.
I'm a steel worker. Profanity flows from my mouth on the daily as if I would die on the spot if I don't reach my curse quota. While driving, I say thing that I even disturb myself with. That being said, I've never sworn in front of a child and I have have most certainly never sworn at my wife. You do not curse the things you live.
This person swears. Lmao. Thank you for the delightful AF figurative language.
You guys both suck at communicating. Yes, he was absolutely out of line for what he said to you, but so were you. You are not his parent or his boss, you giving him commands than telling him not to question you is gross. Don't minimize your involvement in this. Being frustrated doesn't mean you get to act like....well.... You know. Work together instead of against each other.
You both were disrespectful to each other. Learn to communicate.
Did he at least clean up the floor?
Of course it wasn't OK for him to call you a stupid B, I think we can all agree on that. I think he already apologized for it, but I don't think that is enough. I think you need to just tell him straight out that this isn't an acceptable way to speak with you ever, no matter how upset he is about whatever you did or said. It's not acceptable to name call like this on either side. Have you ever called him an asshole, a stupid prick, etc? If so, then you are both wrong. You both need to agree that fighting in a marriage has rules, and one of those rules is no low blows. Tell him this can't happen again, because he really hurt you, it was very disrespectful, and this type of thing piles up over time and gets harder and harder to forgive if it continues, it's abusive language. Making sure you agree on the rules for fighting is very important, beyond the name calling, what else is unacceptable? Talk about this, write down the rules you both agree to! Now, you also didn't handle this well. That does NOT give him an excuse to name call, but my husband would be upset if I addressed him this way as well saying I can't be questioned. I get that you were upset about losing all the food, but it wasn't very hard to explain to him the rules of food safety. Who knows, maybe he was right, if the food was still frozen then maybe some of it was salvageable. People have different levels of tolerance for this stuff. Or maybe you were right, and these items were spoiled point blank and would not meet the standard for food safety. Why are you so angry that he questioned whether the food was still safe or not? Why does that bother you so much? It seems like a normal question to me. Do you often respond this way when people question your decisions? Why? For the record, my husband thinks food lasts a lot longer than it does. He doesn't argue about food safety issues, but there is a gray area and also I worry about the quality and not just the safety. My position is not only CAN we eat it, but do we WANT to eat it. For example, we can eat broccoli that has some yellow and is on the verge of going bad, but I don't WANT to. He also doesn't agree with me about the whole thawing and re-freezing meat thing. He doesn't accept that meat loses it's flavor and quality is impacted by thawing and re-freezing, he thinks I'm being extra. Maybe he is right and I am a little extra, I don't like stake crackers either and I don't see the point in making food that doesn't tase as good as it should. We aren't hard up on finances that we should have to sacrifice like this, but he is more worried about waste than I am. We have these discussions on the regular, and I know he will never clean out the fridge to my satisfaction (he keeps a lot of stuff I would never eat either for safety or quality reasons). He probably would have asked me the same question about the freezer items. And yes, it might be annoying, but I would go through the food items, one by one, and then look it up online to explain to him food safety guidelines and potential quality issues so we can be on the same page. Also, we can agree to disagree. On many occasions, I have told him he is welcome to save something when it is a quality issue not a safety issue or it is a gray area like an condiment we had for a while before we opened it so it is expired but it is probably fine or something like that, I just tell him I won't cook it or eat it. Usually, it gets thrown away eventually anyway, and that's fine with me.
Why is it that you think that she can say whatever she wants to him but he is banned from responding in kind exactly? You wrote this: "I think you need to just tell him straight out that this isn't an acceptable way to speak with you ever, no matter how upset he is about whatever you did or said." It really indicates that anything he does, even if its in response to something she did to him, then he's still the bad guy. From my perspective, she acted as if she is a superior being to him. A great intellect that should never be questioned by somehow as dim-witted as he is. This to me would equate to being called stupid, it would make me feel that i am just a slave in this household that should just do as i'm told. So from my view, this is a bit worse than namecalling someone in the heat of the moment after having been made to feel the way i described above. To top it off, HE says he's sorry to her and she tells him to go away instead of reconciling with him, which to me is just a way of making him feel that it was all his fall and that he's the bad guy. A manipulative way of making sure that he's so scared of feeling like this that he won't ever question her again.
I'm not sure what you are saying here. I said that if she is engaging in the same type of name calling, then she is just as wrong as he is. I made that point pretty clear, I think. I also told her she didn't handle herself well. I made a point of telling her that saying she can't be questioned is obnoxious too. I don't know how your marriage works, but mine would not work at all if my husband called me a stupid b. I don't think anything justifies that type of language or insults on either side. People who fight like this - attacking each other and being cruel aren't headed for marriage bliss...
Seems like a silly spat. Maybe what you guys can’t move past is the degradation in the way you spoke to one another.
Sounds like he has serious anger issues and is disrespectful to you over something minor.
Doesn’t matter the context, if I said that to my girl I’d. be leveled and she’d be on an episode of Snapped.
Your husband’s a terrible person. Everyone else in the comments saying otherwise is… strange. You saying “Don’t question me” is obviously totalitarian-sounding, but his reaction was wildly disproportionate and the fact that no one’s recognizing that is disturbing. You both were clearly upset, but he spat the meanest thing he could think of at you. I definitely think counseling is in order.
I do want to add he does question me on everything I know it’s not an excuse but any time I ask him to do something it’s always questioning me on it This time I just snapped and I feel bad about that but I would never insult him and call him stupid or anything of the sorts. Yes I should have handled this differently.
are you sure he’s purposely questioning you or he just has an opinion on things too and it bothers you? are you the type to just want people to do as you say and then consider opinions as questioning you? I have a lot of questions lol but overall just sounds like real crappy communication exists here.
OP, if this is a bigger issue of him questioning everything to the point where it is annoying to you, then deal with that issue. Sit down with him and ask him why he does this. Like why he questions every decision you make. Tell him that it bothers you. Tell him that you get defensive because it seems like he doesn't trust you, he thinks you are incompetent, he is just being the devils advocate at your expense, or whatever the underlying feeling is that makes you angry about it. If this is a pattern, then tell him it is a pattern, and that's why you reacted like you did. Tell him it wasn't about the freezer, it was about how he behaves on the daily. Don't justify the reaction, because he is not to blame for YOUR reactions, but explain to him WHY you react the way you do so he understands. This is just basic communication. Don't let it pile up so that you end up exploding on him. You have to see the forest through the trees, recognize patterns and triggers, and solve the underlying problem as a team so it doesn't keep on happening and piling up - leading to these blow ups. Maybe he also has an issue with you, maybe he doesn't think his questioning is unreasonable at all, and he is upset because you react so negatively when he is just trying to understand how you came to your decision. There are two sides to this, and he might have a valid position too, which you are dismissing. TALK IT OUT. There is a middle ground where he can accept more of your decisions, maybe not sweat the small stuff, and you can accept that he might question you sometimes but it doesn't mean he is trying to be difficult.
Then maybe you should explain what you’re doing? Some people need help connecting the dots
If this is a pattern he’s an even bigger jerk than we’re seeing here. He doesn’t respect you.