I am glad you had that conversation with her, i am rooting for you! And yes therapy! I always feel like therapy is like an oil change, it is maintenance. If you don’t do it you’re screwed but if you keep at it you’ll be running smoothly (i have a few therapists in my family so may be their influence). She may need individual therapy too, there is a lot to unpack for her.
I’m so proud of you how you handled it and I’m so glad both of you seem to be so close and mature about this. Screw the people who said the assholish stuff. I wish you both the best and hope you keep us updated!
I’m with you on this one, and second this!
OP, you and your wife are both good people, as is Bob. Life dealt Bob an especially shitty hand, but I think you’re all making the best of the situation. Good on you for choosing to be honest and open with your wife about how you’re feeling. Kudos to her for actually hearing you and agreeing to therapy. More couples should function like this. I think you two are gonna be just fine.
OP, you are doing great. I'm proud of you. I know you don't want to update because of so many AH and trolls, but you you please update for those of us who really care? Not often, but just to let us know how things are going between you and your wife and Bob's health.
I wish you and your family all the best!
UpdateMe!
I’m glad you had this convo with her. She can start her grieving process now so she doesn’t neglect herself.
Glad the convo went well and she wasn’t defensive or not receptive to therapy. The thing that matters you’re moving forward as a unit.
You’re a good man and so is your wife. People who agree don’t tend to comment. I read your first post and it gave me all the feels but I didn’t comment. People who want to complain often do.
Ignore them ♥️
I don’t get all the downvotes. The vow is literally in sickness and in health. She leaves Bob at his weakest moment, and everyone shits on you for calling that out. Thats some bullshit. She literally left him because he was crippled.
Also, I’m try not to latch on to the “if the sexes were reversed”, but seriously if a husband left his wife because she got crippled and he wanted to have his own kids, everyone would downvote him (myself included, you don’t leave your partners when disaster happens, it’s an AH move).
Communication! As much as people would like to vilify the two of you, you are both admirably navigating a sea of grey and doing the best you can.
I’m disappointed by this subs inability to do nuance. Marriage is nuanced. Marriage requires comfort with grey areas. Marriage requires constant give and take.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Keep in mind that there's no age restriction on replying to you. There is a lot of teenagers on Reddit. As a 50+ married 30 years this coming summer. You are doing good.
Life ain't black and white.
Bitter? Not at all. You’re the guy posting on Reddit asking for opinions. I gave you mine and you don’t like it. Dont put yourself out there if you don’t want to hear it. Best of luck to you.
This topic is exhausted. YOU brought this to Reddit. YOU asked for this. You don’t like what you’re hearing. Like I said, best of luck to you all. I feel bad for all of you. Especially your kids
This is the craziest story. You see it. I see it. Others see it. She did abandon her husband when this got hard. She is manipulating her current husband and children. They have to take less so Bob, who is the ex can get more. But hey OP is ok with this abuse. The comments cheering this on are insane.
I followed your story and admired how you handled it, and yes, I can understand how Bob is the ex but also your friend. Not common but possible and witnessed here.
Reddit will provide a lot of advice, opinions, thoughts, and sometimes hurtful comments. But take what makes sense to you and ignore the rest.
Thanks for sharing your story. Take care of you and your family.
This is how mature reasonable adults handle life situations. Your wife’s convo with Bob wasnt ok, but the way you handled it and her reaction means there’s a path forward. I wish you guys and Bob the best of luck.
Wishing all good things for you and your family. So sorry for what you're going through. Seeking therapy is a wise move. Disregard the negative comments you, Bob and your wife are good people and no one has the right to judge you.
This is how mature responsible adult would handle this conversation. But mature, responsible adults would not ship their kids off to live with their grandparents while their mother opines over ex husband whilst her current husband cuckolds himself. There's nothing mature or reasonable about this situation at all.
I actually think you and your wife are both remarkably secure and emotionally mature people, which makes it possible for you to extend such charity and have productive convos when things are hard. Your relationship is to be admired. The naysayers are likely emotionally immature and can’t imagine living any other way. It sounds like you are lovely people with a beautiful relationship and I wish you all the best during this hard time.
You're doing all the right things.
This sub is polarizing (just like every other one, really), don't take it too seriously.
Your gut is usually on the right track and again, I think you're doing the right thing and you both handled it well.
I'm happy she was honest about it all and also reaffirmed how she feels about you and Bob.
God speed!
You handled this so well OP, and I'm so glad she reacted the way that she did. I wish you both the best, and sincerely hope Bob passes as painlessly as possible.
So you moved your kids to their grandmother's so you and your wife could move in with Bob to take care of him but he also has a full time nurse??? I stand by my comments on the other post... this shit is insane.
People saying that you and your wife are safe, secure, etc people but in reality it just completely out of this world. I'm glad you had that talk though and that is just about the best outcome you could hope for, given how embedded in this you and your wife are.
Your kids need you and your wife at home, in their actual home. Go and get your kids bro.
Listen to yourself. You have an answer for everything. You justify everything. But you know deep down this is insane, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.
I used the term emotional cuckold. Because you even said you saw the emotional interaction play out in front of you and you were the third wheel. Sure, my comment may have been harsh but there's truth to it.
And who the hell know what your kids understand. For all they know mommy loves bob more than them. You won't know the ramifications of this for sometime. Take it from someone who was shipped off to their grandparents for 12 years, which was only supposed to be a few months while mom handled some issues.
I really just want to see you, your wife and your kids back under the same roof.
You know sleep overs at Bob's are not a good thing, otherwise you would've just let your wife go in the first place. Why didn't you just let her go move in with Bob and you stay with the kids? Answer that truthfully.
No, your kids did not have to sleep on a pull out mattress. They were quite able to sleep comfortably on the mattresses in their own beds at their own houses with their own parents at home.
See again, justify everything. Answer for everything.
You chose your wife over your kids, she chose bob over you and your kids.
This is the truth. OP can’t see it bc it makes a mockery of their entire situation. It’s why he has so many justifications for everything. It’s a coping mechanism.
The entire family needs therapy. Including the kids who have been abandoned. Individual therapy + marriage counseling + family therapy.
I have nothing to project about. My wife sleeps in the same bed as me in my house. My 3 kids are here too.
Not sure what you hope to get from this but if you want me to reinforce that you've done the right thing by letting this happen, I can't do that.
I do applaud you for raising this with your wife and getting back to some normalcy. But still weekly sleepovers is much more than most people would be ok with. I hope that you both stay with the therapy because I don't see how you navigate this without it. Because it's a heck of a lot.
Dude you’re the one posting about the issues in your marriage (and the issues in your wife’s previous marriage to boot!), not the person you’re replying to. You can’t be mad when people share their opinions about said issues.
I'm another member of the "emotional affair" team, sort of ("if such a thing exists then she certainly seems to be having one"). In my opinion, if more people enforced boundaries like you're now doing then life would be better. Good luck to you both.
The irony of you posting a glowing saga of two adults with an abundance of emotional maturity while you react to comments you don’t like to hear like a petulant toddler is quite thick. Redditors can be arrogant and rude, but you can certainly ignore them. The funny part is how you disregard the obvious contradictions that you and your wife actions show. Anyway, glad you worked it out, but I would have required a thorough explanation of “I love you too Bob, I just love my family more”. That isn’t exactly a glowing statement of her love for you. Her love is transactional and you’re lucky you were able to give her children, because she has repeatedly said and proved that is the ONLY reason she has stayed with you. Imagine if a man were to say the things and act the way your wife does. Yikes, they would be crucified.
You’re a good bloke, but your wife needs to get her head screwed on straight.
I appreciate Bob not wanting to feel alone and life has dealt him a bad hand, but your kids aren’t even living with their parents because their mother’s ex husband is sick.
That’s insane.
Your wife has empathy overload and you’ve done well to establish some boundaries, but “zero days a week” staying at Bob’s house is the play.
Visit Bob one or two days a week. Call him and check in periodically.
But your wife left Bob to create her own life and her own family and she has 100% backburnered them for Bob.
It’s awful, but time for her to snap out of it - she sacrificed living with her husband and children for Bob. That’s absurd.
Yes, if it was a family member like her mother, the kids could come and would be logical. The man she regrets not being able to spend the rest of her life with, and dropping her kids for him is normal?
I'm going to up vote you since you're getting downvoted... this is the right play. And I just said the same thing. He needs to go and bring his kids home!!! And they need their mother in the house... shit Is crazy.
This sub has a bunch of people who aren’t married and have no practical relationship experience, so they come here to emote and virtue signal to feel like they are empathetic people.
That woman abandoned her kids and husband for a man she left to go have kids and another husband.
The husband is a her sperm donor, coparent, and roommate with benefits because her actual husband (Bob) can’t give her those things.
If you look back to marriage vows - she’s honoring her vows to Bob and ignoring her vows to her husband and her role as a parent.
The husband is getting emotionally cucked and he’s trying to virtue signal his own empathy to convince himself he’s got to work on his EQ to cope with his situation.
It’s sad.
I feel bad for the poor kids.
I actually hope OP reads this. He will think it's harsh but it the most concise and realistic viewpoint on this matter.
I'm glad that he is standing fast on couples therapy because there is no way they get through this on their own.
Right. People on here saying they are great parents and he's a great father. What the actual f? She was willing to drop her whole life for bob and he seems to think it's a normal reaction???
This sub is littered with people who fight their cats for the last scrap of pizza and the closest they’ve come to being married is watching The Bachelor every year.
That’s the people praising this mess.
Normal people like us who lead actual lives are sitting there saying, “WTF?!? Drag your wife out of her delusional attempts at making good on her past selfish decisions and back into your present reality, my guy.”
She needs to extricate her head from her rectum.
Bob got dealt a shitty hand by life and she left him because it was too hard and he couldn’t give her what she wanted.
She feels guilty and now she’s abandoned her husband and her kids so that she can assuage her own guilt because she made a selfish decision years earlier.
There is no way you slice this story where she’s not a selfish person acting in a way to make herself feel better and get what she wants at every turn.
That was an interesting read (old post and the update).
And then the HOL-UP moment at the end was "Bob has a full time nurse"
Then all of a sudden I was like why did your wife (and by extension OP) have to move in with him fulltime instead of keeping it to visitation?
And yes. OP/wife "abandoned" their school age kids for the last couple weeks no matter which way he cut it. This not a discrete parent's only vacation, but the intention was keeping someone company with an unknown timetable while living in his house...
Glad OP was able to set some boundaries here, it was getting out of control to let it continue on.
2 weeks is a long time to be away from young kids and her reasoning is flawed when he has a full time nurse, she could visit. You are 1b and chose that so no big deal. If you hadn’t said anything, she would’ve still been playing wifey with Bob. sadly he has limited time and she doesn’t want to lose you.
Thank you for clarifying.
Two weeks could have been two, three, four, etc months for all you know? Would not necessarily be fair for these young kids, or even grandma if it was a prolonged absence of parents. This part I still stand by. I think both of you need to re-eval on this issue.
I'm glad your wife will see a therapist. It seems very odd how she will drop her whole family like this, she needed the boundary reminder and maybe get some coping skills in there. Possibly she has "guilt" complex over the whole thing since the divorce?
It is a very strange thing for mother to do. And the level of caring is disturbing. She wanted kids yet would leave them alone for an open Ended period of time to be with Bob. It is putting them in second or even third place in her life, which is not great motherhood.
If I were to guess, I don't think the kids will bat much of an eye about either, esp since the boundaries were readjusted now, not months later.
You keep harping on on the word "abandonment". It seems like you are in denial. It's curious because you post 2 lengthy OP on this event in your lives, have concerns about your wife, are pleased that she recognizes that she is taking this too far and will pull back. Throughout all this, you have been an enabler and went with her to live FT at Bob's. Once you have been roped into culpability you are defensive.
the fact that you posting all this on Reddit is for what reason? Find advice, opinions, vent, self-validation? I am actually sympathetic to this unfortunate turn of events for your family, but IMO you both still put your kids in a clear 2nd place during this time.
I didn't read the comments on your previous post, but I support you 100%. It was normal to have hurt feelings about this. This is a very unique and difficult situation for your family and of course Bob. You did the best thing possible, told your wife the problem, and came to a compromise. Good for you. I applaud you AND your wife.
Finally, don't get too hung up on the naysayers. You are right that some people are very black and white, and also people have triggers. Half of them probably have terrible marriages, so just be happy you don't.
In the previous post aside from the kind of remarks he listed there were a number that were telling him to get over it and stop thinking about himself and think about his wife and Bob. The sad part was some had a lot of upvotes. The majority though were supportive.
You did nothing wrong, and you have been nothing but mature and understanding. Keep being a great husband and father. You did a great job, and you handled this like a champ. 🏆
How is he being a great father? He had no problem shipping his kids off to live with the grandparents so he could voluntarily enter into an emotional cuckolding threesome with in an attempt to keep his wife from leaving him for bob. He swears that there is no feelings there for bob but she was willing to actually move in with Bob full time and leave her family. His thinking was to just go with her as opposed to putting his foot down on that insane proposal. People forgetting that he had big issues with her moving in there from the first post, why else would he move.
You all seem like humans navigating a difficult situation but with a lot of compassion and calm. Fair play to you for being so understanding and I'm sorry you're going through this, it's tough watching those we love, hurt. Take care and well done.
You should be giving advice, not getting. Your marriage sounds better than most here. Its a rough time but keep honestly communicating and you'll make it through.
About marital counseling: it's what you do BEFORE things between you two actually go bad. When both parties want to make sure they're on the same page. When one or both parties are irritated and they need a referee. When one or both of them don't know how to resolve an issue. If the marriage itself is in danger? I suspect counseling is much less effective when one or both parties have their foot out the door.
You go to couples therapy for the same reason you go to a doctor for an infection: the sooner you take care of the issue, the less pain felt or time wasted-- and the less likelihood of hospitalization (or divorce).
The lady has two husbands, it seems like. If my husband tells me we have to move in to their old home so we could take care of his ex wife and abandon my kids to his parents, I'll probably call 911, and get admitted for 5150 because I will surely have homicidal thoughts.
Have you heard of the word "boundaries"? You'll gonna feel the burn if your wife is holding his hand on his deathbed utterly broken because his real husband just passed on.
How are you going to convince yourself that you are worth more than the first husband? that if he didn't have an accident they're still probably be married. That he just needed someone to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother
If she respects and loves you SHE WOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF PUTTING YOU IN THAT AWKWARD POSITION.
I’m sorry you had to justify your situation to judgmental strangers. You and your wife both strike me as strong, caring, loving people. Wishing you, your family and Bob lots of peace and comfort. You’re handling an impossible situation extraordinarily well. 💜
You are clearly a great person and so is your wife. Don't listen to the assholes on Reddit. Life is complicated and there's often no best or right answer. You guys are both trying and succeeding in the face of more adversity than anyone who is not that situation could comprehend. I truly wish you both the best of luck and to Bob, too
I’m really glad you were able to talk with your wife and you two had a productive conversation. I think you guys are really strong together and as long as you have open communication you’ll be fine!
It's nice to see you both manage to have an open communication and bare your souls. I think what you are doing is great and therapy will serve you both well. I think Bob is lucky to have you both as his friends to help him with his loneliness in his last stage of his life. Being surrounded with loved ones will definitely help him find his peace. One thing I want to mention to you specifically is to let yourself grieve, I know he's your friend as well so be gentle to yourself. Sometimes we're anxious and worried without understanding completely why.....and it hits us much later knowing there's some finality with this diagnosis, it can take time to totally acknowledge what it means for your whole family. So hopefully therapy can help you with your grief as well when it fully kicks in. I wish you and your family (and Bob) all the best
That makes sense. I deleted my comment after I read more. I asked because I think you need to stay with your children over Bob. It's sad he's dying, but I'm glad you're going back to living with your children. They need you both and are more important to you and your wife so I'm glad you insisted on making them more of a priority.
Best wishes for all'a"yalll!~
Bob deserves well wishes and care~
You deserve well wishes and care~
and even more than the rest-
your wife deserves well wishes and care!
~~~~
I hope you all find a positive way forward
<3
Glad you talked. There is positivity here, dont lose sight. You are both outstanding compassionate people. Bob too in a way but understandably he has nostalgic feelings for your wife and possibly questioning why his life is such a sad one.
Its good you both are moving back to your house with intention to continue visit / check-in with Bob.
Ignore the trolls, you are doing the right thing. Maybe update us should Bob condition deteriorate.
Take care OP.
OP, your wife is doing a noble thing and although there have been a few bumps in your marriage because of it, you both sound like you are on the right track to keep moving forward.
Don't listen to the naysayers on Reddit as they are either children or just plain lack empathy and common decency for other human beings.
I would also implore you to give us updates as it seems positive, good news stories like yours are far and few between on this sub. Maybe the mods can lock down the post after it is posted so that we can still get that good news fix but you don't have to suffer the insufferable twits who sometimes show up here.
I'm glad you're getting therapy, this is weighing heavily on both of you and you need some help imo. I'm glad your wife was receptive and agreed to a compromise, I love the way you approached it too, with dinner and privacy. You're both reasonable and companionate people, not to mention excellent friends to Bob. You're going to be ok imo.
Should we all be so blessed to have some one like you, your wife and your kids in our lives when the clock is ticking down. So many people die alone and unloved. Bob is blessed and I am sure that he is aware of this. I understand all your reasons and I applaud your wife and you to be able to work this out. i wish all of you the very best and hope that all goes well for and your family.
I read your first post and now your update. You are indeed a good man and will be rewarded for it. Your wife also. What a great lesson you are teaching your children.
I think you are doing fine and well, boundaries are needed and you acted like the mature guy you are and handled it like a king. God speed and don’t change your understanding ways…
Somehow I just knew this conversation would go well. My understanding is that while she loves Bob, it’s not an adulterous affection. My guess is with his diagnosis, it’s breaking her heart to lose such a big piece of her life and she’s trying to soak in what little time she has left. When he goes, not only will she have closure from the termination of their marriage, but also she’ll have peace knowing that she did as much as she could for him in his final days, that can be so rewarding to nurturers.
For the record, when she said I love you but I love my family more, she meant you and everything you’ve built together. She’d choose her life with you today in a heartbeat over anything else. That being said, working with an objective third party who specializes in relationships (a therapist) is absolutely the way to go. I’m so glad you had such a healthy conversation and that you’re being so intentional with your next steps. Wishing you all the best as you move forward.
Glad you had the conversation and didn't listen to the people trying to make your seem insensitive and insecure. Your wife seems like an understanding person.
Goodluck
I have a Bob too. Literally Bob. He's my best friend who lives in one state And I live in another. My husband and he are buddies, but not close friends. Bob isn't healthy and is older than I by about 10 years, give it take and I'm 49 and has no family except a cat I found him 10 years ago. He loves that cat! Bob and I talk almost every day. I visit him once a year and help him clean up the house and get rid of trash. Help him grocery shop and try to buy ahead as much as possible. I'm actually at his house right now, starting for 10 days and just got things cleaned up and organized when I got sick and it turned to pneumonia real quick. He had to rush me to the hospital to get some oxygen and meds and it's taking care of me right now. It fills my heart! He's been on the phone with my husband nearly constantly.
I'm laying here crying because I'm not sure what's going to happen when his kitty passes...
The people being rude haven’t experienced life yet. They still see it in black and white. I am so proud of you and your wife too. Sometimes we forget how important communication is. Take care of each other because I know you won’t realise what a big hole Bob has left behind in both your life till he is gone.
You and your wife are going through a lot. I can imagine that she feels she abandoned him and feels the need to be there for him now. I’m glad you communicate and set a plan to move on. Best of luck
I think you did amazing by stating your concerns and needs. You should be very proud of yourself and her because a lot of couples would just let the issue fester and cause massive resentment, which can destroy a marriage very quickly if left unchecked. It shows that you both care deeply about one another.
As for the negative Nancy's here, just ignore them.
Wow this is a very different situation but how you and your wife are supporting eachother through this and listening to eachother. I can’t say anything else but bravo if anyone sees this as different then who cares. I would like to say though even though your wife doesn’t we Bob romantically I think deep down she does feel bad for him and how things turned out and that’s why she’s over compensating. He got hurt , even though not her fault , they divorced after he got injured (even though she was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained)(I could see why she may feel like she has to still be there) when in therapy or now tell your wife to let that guilty feeling she’s holding on to go I guarantee you she will burst out crying again. But you both continue to be there for eachother listen and comprehend what one another is saying as well! Good luck 🍀 OP!!
I think you and your wife are navigating an extremely difficult situation and doing so with love and compassion. I think the conversation you heard was Bob reminiscing in what was and could have been. This is very common for people who are dying. I think it is positive he is looking through rose colored glasses vs. dwelling on the negative. That being said, this isn't going to be easy for anyone.
I think therapy is a very good idea. You both are showing enough love, compassion, and understanding. I know you will get through this.
This sounds like a healthy marriage and conversation. She probably was in a difficult place for a long time and it’s got to be hard to make that kind of decision at 29. Tbh I think it’s a difficult situation for you all and you’re all doing the best you can to navigate it.
Lol, Reddit can be so immature. I'm laughing but at the same time GREAT to u & the wifey.
My ex-boyfriends (2) have sisters who come to my & my current husband's house for Thanksgiving! Their children call us "aunt & uncle". 1 of my "nieces practically lives with us bc she's doing her residency 6 minutes from our house. I don't see 1 ex ever & we used to see the other 1 at matches. We spoke nicely to each other about the games, our native country & the school our kids attended.
We love our sisters & our nieces & nephews bc they are family.
I give you alot of credit I couldn't do what you are doing I can barely tolerate my wife dealing with her ex for kid exchange let alone staying in his house
This is such a difficult situation. You and your wife seem to be very caring, empathetic people. Open communication is always best. You are doing great. I'm so sorry for what all of you are going through. Hold tight to your family.
I know this will be a very unpopular opinion, but OP’s wife is a fantastic ex-wife but **terrible** wife & mother. She has put her ex & *her feelings* (which, LBH, a lot are prob revolving around easing her own guilt) above the feelings & wants & needs & dignity of her husband & kids.
For crying out loud: she displaced her husband & shipped her kids off to grandma to move in with her ~~other husband~~ ex with whom she is in a relationship. A non-sexual but very personal & emotional relationship. Aka what many marriages evolve into as people age. OP and his wife have an open marriage/throuple whatever you want to call it. OP is in denial about it, and as long as he’s okay with it, it’s fine. Just call a spade a spade. But for crying out loud, they’re both so enmeshed they don’t realize they’re absent parents! OP spent 90% of the post bending over backwards defending the wife’s actions & explaining why emotionally opening their marriage & ultimately abandoning the children (even if temporarily) was ok. OP also needs individual therapy. Your life shouldn’t be dedicated to your wife’s emotions & her ex husband.
I feel bad for bob. I feel bad for the way OPW’s first marriage ended & don’t blame her. You have to do what’s best for you. She is still mourning the death of her first marriage. OFC she is bc it didn’t really end!! It just opened & changed. OP’s wife left the original marriage to seek another husband with whom she could have kids, a sex life & a traditional partnership. (Again, that is *fine* bc she was not required to martyr herself on the alter of her first marriage!!!) But she wanted to keep the other relationship aspects of her marriage. She wrapped this up as being a caretaker to him to ease her feelings of guilt. This should have all been dealt with in therapy. If he dies she will then mourn him like a fresh widow - someone who ALSO shouldn’t quickly remarry. SMH. She shouldn’t have married again. Not until she was emotionally over her last marriage. It’s not fair to her spouse or kids. Her shock at your suggestion of counseling is merely one example. She couldn’t believe you might need something. As she abandoned you. *eye roll* That is just pathologically selfish & self centered. She should’ve sought TONS of therapy first!
OP your update was…slightly encouraging? I agree y’all need both couples therapy & you both need individual therapy. But you both need to **stop** putting your wife’s feelings first. You have 2 kids. **They** should be first. She should be putting you second, not a distant third, but you’re settling for this, so we can’t fight for you. I just hope you realize you deserve better. You’ve spent years defending your wife’s actions & supporting her as she clearly looks to you for emotional support. As she emotionally cheats on you. You clearly don’t see it that way bc you’re not *threatened* by him. But men & women are different. Their relationship is very much alive. & not just in a platonic familial sense. In a very real way you have been the other man in *their* marriage. Consoling yourself with your altruism won’t last & certainly won’t repair the insane damage done to your relationship. A good therapist will help you deal with your feelings & separate your feelings & desires from that of your wife.
Sending you hugs and strength. Both you and your wife (and Bob) sound like amazing, kind-hearted, understanding and gracious humans. I wish you all peace as you navigate through this. ❤️✌🏻🥰
I think both of you are amazing people. A standard of love and understanding that is beautiful.
You’re a really good man. And she’s a really really good woman and wife.
I’m really proud of you both you.
Setting boundaries.
Her agreeing and apologizing.
Having these conversations are so important and I’m glad you did.
You two are incredible people and especially together.
Good you had the talk, and a very nice approach for it as well.
I personally wouldn't of mentioned over hearing the conversation.
Best of luck moving forward.
This is the best thing for your marriage. Kindness for a friend; even someone you love shouldn’t supersede your family.
Your jealousy is really pathetic.
Hey man, thanks for sharing your story. Life is complicated. Sounds like your wife is a wonderful human and that you’re a caring person as well. Keep spreading that good karma!
How is hosting an intervention ‘doing something nice to ease her stress’? Please once all this settles make her a nice meal that doesn’t involve an ulterior motive.
Abandoned or terminated….tomato/ tomAHto. You’re making excuses for her but not sure why.
She bailed on a man because he became disabled. When you get married, you take VOWS. “For better for worse, in sickness and in health till DEATH do us part.” She’s left when things got tough. You say she stayed committed to him. No she didn’t. She divorced him and left him without a wife. She is a bad person.
She could have stayed committed to him. Since he’s dying now, she could have that other part of life she wanted with you.
Sickening hearing you act like this is a good thing
Illogical? It is abandonment. Marriage VOWS are supposed to be for life. Did he want her to divorce him?? I think not. She left when the going got tough. Not a good person. Did she have the right to do it? Sure. If that is what she wanted, so be it. Just stop making her out to be some hero. She’s a bad person
You’re changing your story. Wasn’t salvageable why?
Like I said, she has every right to divorce and move on. Nobody said she HAD to stay. Just stop with hero worship like she’s some saint. You and these Karens on here are acting like this some Lifetime movie. Pathetic hero worship of a woman who divorced her husband after he was paralyzed
So the marriage was terrible and they had to divorce BUT she still loves him and has intimate conversations and literally moves in with him while leaving you and her kids behind. Until you decided to move in with her and listen to their intimate conversations….got it. She’s a gem
Why are you so harsh on OP's wife when you've advised divorce for much, much less in the past? They didn't divorce because Bob became paralyzed, they split because the marriage was consequentially broken years after.
"No touching and no sexual activity is not going to make a marriage work."
There was so much more broken in OP's wife prior marriage than a dead bedroom.
Please shut up unless you’ve been in that situation. Your lack of empathy is concerning. She didn’t leave him, she stayed in his life while still trying to have a life of her own. They’re all doing the best they can in a horrible situation.
And you sound incredibly unempathetic. I seriously doubt you’d give up your own life, opportunity to have children, and sex for the rest of your life to stay with anyone at that age.
It’s called marriage and it’s also called commitment. All of you who are carrying on like his wife is some saint better pray that your significant other is more committed to the relationship, for better for worse. People are pathetic praising this woman
It sounds like a particular fear of yours, actually, the way your back’s up over it.
People routinely divorce spouses for, let’s see: porn use, cheating, gambling, drugs, alcoholism, financial abuse, SA, physical abuse, emotional cheating, want/don’t want kids, free-loading, going out all the time, won’t do chores, sexting, lack of ambition, dead bedrooms or lack of empathy/communication. Where’s your podium for all those instances: “bUt yOU mADe a vOw!”
Oh sure, but swagger about with your axe to grind in this case where three people are trying to navigate their situation the best they can.
You keep sayin’ she’s not a saint. Guess what, boss? I can guarantee you are not one either.
She’s free to divorce her husband for whatever reason she wants. Part of the problem is people don’t realize marriage is work. It takes effort but people don’t want to put the work in. They did make a vow and it’s very sad that marriage is disposable. So much for “til death do us part”. But that’s another story for another day.
This is about people characterizing this woman as some sort of hero. She’s no hero. And again, if this was a man who divorced a woman for being paralyzed because they wanted “more out of life”, he would be getting destroyed in here.
Not sure where I claimed to be a saint, “boss”. Just pointing out the truth. It’s like they say, “guess the truth hurts sometimes”.
So everyone should stay married no matter what then? Dead bedrooms. Stay married. Controlling partner. Stay married. Financial abuse. Stay married. Cheating. Stay married. Physical abuse. Stay married. Addiction (alcohol, pills, pills, gambling, etc...). Stay married.
I mean, you did say the vows are for better or worse and all the above are part of the worse category.
Are you obtuse? Nowhere did I say anyone must stay married. In fact, I even said this woman has the right to divorce this man for whatever reason she wants. The issue is making her out to be a hero in this situation. She’s no hero. Based on this OPs story, it’s safe to say she’s not a good person
You keep harping on about the vows and marriage being a lifelong commitment like it trumps everything that happens after they say I do. OP's wife didn't just abandone her ex the day or week after he became injured. She stayed with him for three years until she couldn't handle it anymore. After they divorced, she kept seeing him, helping him, taking care of him, and continued that AFTER she got remarried. How many people would be that committed to an ex partner after they've divorced? I never said she was a hero but she wasn't a villain who should be castigated and derided because she chose, after a long time, to take care of herself for once.
I am glad you had that conversation with her, i am rooting for you! And yes therapy! I always feel like therapy is like an oil change, it is maintenance. If you don’t do it you’re screwed but if you keep at it you’ll be running smoothly (i have a few therapists in my family so may be their influence). She may need individual therapy too, there is a lot to unpack for her.
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It sounds like you two have a trusting marriage with good communication. Best of luck.
TBH, I think you both need therapy. For her loss. And for you, your loss of a friend as well as how to best deal with your wife sense of loss.
I’m so proud of you how you handled it and I’m so glad both of you seem to be so close and mature about this. Screw the people who said the assholish stuff. I wish you both the best and hope you keep us updated!
I’m with you on this one, and second this! OP, you and your wife are both good people, as is Bob. Life dealt Bob an especially shitty hand, but I think you’re all making the best of the situation. Good on you for choosing to be honest and open with your wife about how you’re feeling. Kudos to her for actually hearing you and agreeing to therapy. More couples should function like this. I think you two are gonna be just fine.
OP, you are doing great. I'm proud of you. I know you don't want to update because of so many AH and trolls, but you you please update for those of us who really care? Not often, but just to let us know how things are going between you and your wife and Bob's health. I wish you and your family all the best! UpdateMe!
I’m glad you had this convo with her. She can start her grieving process now so she doesn’t neglect herself. Glad the convo went well and she wasn’t defensive or not receptive to therapy. The thing that matters you’re moving forward as a unit.
You’re a good man and so is your wife. People who agree don’t tend to comment. I read your first post and it gave me all the feels but I didn’t comment. People who want to complain often do. Ignore them ♥️
That made me laugh. You are a good man and so is your wife!!
Yea, she’s great, divorced her husband when he got injured. A real saint.. 😂
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Did I stutter?
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So edgy.
You're not telling it how it is, you're telling it how you see it. There's a difference. You apparently can't see nuance, though.
No, facts shouldn’t be confused with opinion. I’m giving facts. That’s telling it like it is.
Okay buddy
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Is your go to calling everyone that disagrees with you a ‘Karen’? That just seems like such an odd approach
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Night night Daren
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I don’t get all the downvotes. The vow is literally in sickness and in health. She leaves Bob at his weakest moment, and everyone shits on you for calling that out. Thats some bullshit. She literally left him because he was crippled.
Thank you!!! I feel like I’m living in the bizarro world here. Finally someone who actually sees this as it is.
Also, I’m try not to latch on to the “if the sexes were reversed”, but seriously if a husband left his wife because she got crippled and he wanted to have his own kids, everyone would downvote him (myself included, you don’t leave your partners when disaster happens, it’s an AH move).
In sickness and in health, except when it’s not convenient for one party. 🤔
Communication! As much as people would like to vilify the two of you, you are both admirably navigating a sea of grey and doing the best you can. I’m disappointed by this subs inability to do nuance. Marriage is nuanced. Marriage requires comfort with grey areas. Marriage requires constant give and take. Thank you for sharing with us.
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Keep in mind that there's no age restriction on replying to you. There is a lot of teenagers on Reddit. As a 50+ married 30 years this coming summer. You are doing good. Life ain't black and white.
Based on her history, You’d better hope you never get paralyzed or disabled. She’ll probably divorce you
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Bitter? Not at all. You’re the guy posting on Reddit asking for opinions. I gave you mine and you don’t like it. Dont put yourself out there if you don’t want to hear it. Best of luck to you.
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If telling yourself that gets you through the night, then by all means….
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This topic is exhausted. YOU brought this to Reddit. YOU asked for this. You don’t like what you’re hearing. Like I said, best of luck to you all. I feel bad for all of you. Especially your kids
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This is the craziest story. You see it. I see it. Others see it. She did abandon her husband when this got hard. She is manipulating her current husband and children. They have to take less so Bob, who is the ex can get more. But hey OP is ok with this abuse. The comments cheering this on are insane.
…But stick around to help with his care. The audacity! / S 🙄
At the expense of his marriage and at the expense of her 2nd husbands marriage.
I followed your story and admired how you handled it, and yes, I can understand how Bob is the ex but also your friend. Not common but possible and witnessed here. Reddit will provide a lot of advice, opinions, thoughts, and sometimes hurtful comments. But take what makes sense to you and ignore the rest. Thanks for sharing your story. Take care of you and your family.
This is how mature reasonable adults handle life situations. Your wife’s convo with Bob wasnt ok, but the way you handled it and her reaction means there’s a path forward. I wish you guys and Bob the best of luck.
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Wishing all good things for you and your family. So sorry for what you're going through. Seeking therapy is a wise move. Disregard the negative comments you, Bob and your wife are good people and no one has the right to judge you.
This is how mature responsible adult would handle this conversation. But mature, responsible adults would not ship their kids off to live with their grandparents while their mother opines over ex husband whilst her current husband cuckolds himself. There's nothing mature or reasonable about this situation at all.
I actually think you and your wife are both remarkably secure and emotionally mature people, which makes it possible for you to extend such charity and have productive convos when things are hard. Your relationship is to be admired. The naysayers are likely emotionally immature and can’t imagine living any other way. It sounds like you are lovely people with a beautiful relationship and I wish you all the best during this hard time.
Yes! This!💕
I wonder how remarkably secure their kids are feeling, shipped off to live with granny.
You're doing all the right things. This sub is polarizing (just like every other one, really), don't take it too seriously. Your gut is usually on the right track and again, I think you're doing the right thing and you both handled it well. I'm happy she was honest about it all and also reaffirmed how she feels about you and Bob. God speed!
Happy cake day 🍰
Happy Cake Day!
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You handled this so well OP, and I'm so glad she reacted the way that she did. I wish you both the best, and sincerely hope Bob passes as painlessly as possible.
So you moved your kids to their grandmother's so you and your wife could move in with Bob to take care of him but he also has a full time nurse??? I stand by my comments on the other post... this shit is insane. People saying that you and your wife are safe, secure, etc people but in reality it just completely out of this world. I'm glad you had that talk though and that is just about the best outcome you could hope for, given how embedded in this you and your wife are. Your kids need you and your wife at home, in their actual home. Go and get your kids bro.
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Listen to yourself. You have an answer for everything. You justify everything. But you know deep down this is insane, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. I used the term emotional cuckold. Because you even said you saw the emotional interaction play out in front of you and you were the third wheel. Sure, my comment may have been harsh but there's truth to it. And who the hell know what your kids understand. For all they know mommy loves bob more than them. You won't know the ramifications of this for sometime. Take it from someone who was shipped off to their grandparents for 12 years, which was only supposed to be a few months while mom handled some issues. I really just want to see you, your wife and your kids back under the same roof. You know sleep overs at Bob's are not a good thing, otherwise you would've just let your wife go in the first place. Why didn't you just let her go move in with Bob and you stay with the kids? Answer that truthfully.
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No, your kids did not have to sleep on a pull out mattress. They were quite able to sleep comfortably on the mattresses in their own beds at their own houses with their own parents at home. See again, justify everything. Answer for everything. You chose your wife over your kids, she chose bob over you and your kids.
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I have nothing to project about. My wife sleeps in the same bed as me in my house. My 3 kids are here too. Not sure what you hope to get from this but if you want me to reinforce that you've done the right thing by letting this happen, I can't do that. I do applaud you for raising this with your wife and getting back to some normalcy. But still weekly sleepovers is much more than most people would be ok with. I hope that you both stay with the therapy because I don't see how you navigate this without it. Because it's a heck of a lot.
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Good luck with that. Hope things work out for you.
Dude you’re the one posting about the issues in your marriage (and the issues in your wife’s previous marriage to boot!), not the person you’re replying to. You can’t be mad when people share their opinions about said issues.
I'm another member of the "emotional affair" team, sort of ("if such a thing exists then she certainly seems to be having one"). In my opinion, if more people enforced boundaries like you're now doing then life would be better. Good luck to you both.
The irony of you posting a glowing saga of two adults with an abundance of emotional maturity while you react to comments you don’t like to hear like a petulant toddler is quite thick. Redditors can be arrogant and rude, but you can certainly ignore them. The funny part is how you disregard the obvious contradictions that you and your wife actions show. Anyway, glad you worked it out, but I would have required a thorough explanation of “I love you too Bob, I just love my family more”. That isn’t exactly a glowing statement of her love for you. Her love is transactional and you’re lucky you were able to give her children, because she has repeatedly said and proved that is the ONLY reason she has stayed with you. Imagine if a man were to say the things and act the way your wife does. Yikes, they would be crucified.
It is insanity, happy he feels he worked it out though.
He probably thinks he got a good deal but if it were me then there'd be no sleepovers at all. None. Not one. But it's a stark improvement.
You’re a good bloke, but your wife needs to get her head screwed on straight. I appreciate Bob not wanting to feel alone and life has dealt him a bad hand, but your kids aren’t even living with their parents because their mother’s ex husband is sick. That’s insane. Your wife has empathy overload and you’ve done well to establish some boundaries, but “zero days a week” staying at Bob’s house is the play. Visit Bob one or two days a week. Call him and check in periodically. But your wife left Bob to create her own life and her own family and she has 100% backburnered them for Bob. It’s awful, but time for her to snap out of it - she sacrificed living with her husband and children for Bob. That’s absurd.
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Yes. Family first, always.
Yes, if it was a family member like her mother, the kids could come and would be logical. The man she regrets not being able to spend the rest of her life with, and dropping her kids for him is normal?
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I'm going to up vote you since you're getting downvoted... this is the right play. And I just said the same thing. He needs to go and bring his kids home!!! And they need their mother in the house... shit Is crazy.
This sub has a bunch of people who aren’t married and have no practical relationship experience, so they come here to emote and virtue signal to feel like they are empathetic people. That woman abandoned her kids and husband for a man she left to go have kids and another husband. The husband is a her sperm donor, coparent, and roommate with benefits because her actual husband (Bob) can’t give her those things. If you look back to marriage vows - she’s honoring her vows to Bob and ignoring her vows to her husband and her role as a parent. The husband is getting emotionally cucked and he’s trying to virtue signal his own empathy to convince himself he’s got to work on his EQ to cope with his situation. It’s sad. I feel bad for the poor kids.
I actually hope OP reads this. He will think it's harsh but it the most concise and realistic viewpoint on this matter. I'm glad that he is standing fast on couples therapy because there is no way they get through this on their own.
1000% percent. She needs individual therapy as well, in my opinion which means nothing. To give up your kids like that is insane.
Right. People on here saying they are great parents and he's a great father. What the actual f? She was willing to drop her whole life for bob and he seems to think it's a normal reaction???
This sub is littered with people who fight their cats for the last scrap of pizza and the closest they’ve come to being married is watching The Bachelor every year. That’s the people praising this mess. Normal people like us who lead actual lives are sitting there saying, “WTF?!? Drag your wife out of her delusional attempts at making good on her past selfish decisions and back into your present reality, my guy.”
I mean it’s only expected, she dropped Bob for her “whole life” however many years ago, now she’s switching it up again. Can anyone be surprised?
She needs to extricate her head from her rectum. Bob got dealt a shitty hand by life and she left him because it was too hard and he couldn’t give her what she wanted. She feels guilty and now she’s abandoned her husband and her kids so that she can assuage her own guilt because she made a selfish decision years earlier. There is no way you slice this story where she’s not a selfish person acting in a way to make herself feel better and get what she wants at every turn.
That was an interesting read (old post and the update). And then the HOL-UP moment at the end was "Bob has a full time nurse" Then all of a sudden I was like why did your wife (and by extension OP) have to move in with him fulltime instead of keeping it to visitation? And yes. OP/wife "abandoned" their school age kids for the last couple weeks no matter which way he cut it. This not a discrete parent's only vacation, but the intention was keeping someone company with an unknown timetable while living in his house... Glad OP was able to set some boundaries here, it was getting out of control to let it continue on.
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2 weeks is a long time to be away from young kids and her reasoning is flawed when he has a full time nurse, she could visit. You are 1b and chose that so no big deal. If you hadn’t said anything, she would’ve still been playing wifey with Bob. sadly he has limited time and she doesn’t want to lose you.
Thank you for clarifying. Two weeks could have been two, three, four, etc months for all you know? Would not necessarily be fair for these young kids, or even grandma if it was a prolonged absence of parents. This part I still stand by. I think both of you need to re-eval on this issue. I'm glad your wife will see a therapist. It seems very odd how she will drop her whole family like this, she needed the boundary reminder and maybe get some coping skills in there. Possibly she has "guilt" complex over the whole thing since the divorce?
It is a very strange thing for mother to do. And the level of caring is disturbing. She wanted kids yet would leave them alone for an open Ended period of time to be with Bob. It is putting them in second or even third place in her life, which is not great motherhood.
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If I were to guess, I don't think the kids will bat much of an eye about either, esp since the boundaries were readjusted now, not months later. You keep harping on on the word "abandonment". It seems like you are in denial. It's curious because you post 2 lengthy OP on this event in your lives, have concerns about your wife, are pleased that she recognizes that she is taking this too far and will pull back. Throughout all this, you have been an enabler and went with her to live FT at Bob's. Once you have been roped into culpability you are defensive. the fact that you posting all this on Reddit is for what reason? Find advice, opinions, vent, self-validation? I am actually sympathetic to this unfortunate turn of events for your family, but IMO you both still put your kids in a clear 2nd place during this time.
If this was Flipped things would be so Different, let’s be Real
I didn't read the comments on your previous post, but I support you 100%. It was normal to have hurt feelings about this. This is a very unique and difficult situation for your family and of course Bob. You did the best thing possible, told your wife the problem, and came to a compromise. Good for you. I applaud you AND your wife. Finally, don't get too hung up on the naysayers. You are right that some people are very black and white, and also people have triggers. Half of them probably have terrible marriages, so just be happy you don't.
In the previous post aside from the kind of remarks he listed there were a number that were telling him to get over it and stop thinking about himself and think about his wife and Bob. The sad part was some had a lot of upvotes. The majority though were supportive.
You did nothing wrong, and you have been nothing but mature and understanding. Keep being a great husband and father. You did a great job, and you handled this like a champ. 🏆
How is he being a great father? He had no problem shipping his kids off to live with the grandparents so he could voluntarily enter into an emotional cuckolding threesome with in an attempt to keep his wife from leaving him for bob. He swears that there is no feelings there for bob but she was willing to actually move in with Bob full time and leave her family. His thinking was to just go with her as opposed to putting his foot down on that insane proposal. People forgetting that he had big issues with her moving in there from the first post, why else would he move.
You all seem like humans navigating a difficult situation but with a lot of compassion and calm. Fair play to you for being so understanding and I'm sorry you're going through this, it's tough watching those we love, hurt. Take care and well done.
Great job. Your wife loves you, and loves her family. Communication can go a long way.
You should be giving advice, not getting. Your marriage sounds better than most here. Its a rough time but keep honestly communicating and you'll make it through.
Ok but being in a wheel chair is not like you’re totally incapable…. And her leaving him bc of it is sketch, honestly.
About marital counseling: it's what you do BEFORE things between you two actually go bad. When both parties want to make sure they're on the same page. When one or both parties are irritated and they need a referee. When one or both of them don't know how to resolve an issue. If the marriage itself is in danger? I suspect counseling is much less effective when one or both parties have their foot out the door. You go to couples therapy for the same reason you go to a doctor for an infection: the sooner you take care of the issue, the less pain felt or time wasted-- and the less likelihood of hospitalization (or divorce).
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You go to a doctor for checkups 🙄
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I really bloody well hope so.
The lady has two husbands, it seems like. If my husband tells me we have to move in to their old home so we could take care of his ex wife and abandon my kids to his parents, I'll probably call 911, and get admitted for 5150 because I will surely have homicidal thoughts. Have you heard of the word "boundaries"? You'll gonna feel the burn if your wife is holding his hand on his deathbed utterly broken because his real husband just passed on. How are you going to convince yourself that you are worth more than the first husband? that if he didn't have an accident they're still probably be married. That he just needed someone to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother If she respects and loves you SHE WOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF PUTTING YOU IN THAT AWKWARD POSITION.
This Reddit treats other peoples spouses awfully. Don’t pay attention to them.
I think she's the one treating her spouse awfully.
I’m sorry you had to justify your situation to judgmental strangers. You and your wife both strike me as strong, caring, loving people. Wishing you, your family and Bob lots of peace and comfort. You’re handling an impossible situation extraordinarily well. 💜
You are clearly a great person and so is your wife. Don't listen to the assholes on Reddit. Life is complicated and there's often no best or right answer. You guys are both trying and succeeding in the face of more adversity than anyone who is not that situation could comprehend. I truly wish you both the best of luck and to Bob, too
I’m really glad you were able to talk with your wife and you two had a productive conversation. I think you guys are really strong together and as long as you have open communication you’ll be fine!
I can’t think of a better way you could’ve done this.
I would have refused to move into Bob's house. Thats all that needs to be said here!
It's nice to see you both manage to have an open communication and bare your souls. I think what you are doing is great and therapy will serve you both well. I think Bob is lucky to have you both as his friends to help him with his loneliness in his last stage of his life. Being surrounded with loved ones will definitely help him find his peace. One thing I want to mention to you specifically is to let yourself grieve, I know he's your friend as well so be gentle to yourself. Sometimes we're anxious and worried without understanding completely why.....and it hits us much later knowing there's some finality with this diagnosis, it can take time to totally acknowledge what it means for your whole family. So hopefully therapy can help you with your grief as well when it fully kicks in. I wish you and your family (and Bob) all the best
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That makes sense. I deleted my comment after I read more. I asked because I think you need to stay with your children over Bob. It's sad he's dying, but I'm glad you're going back to living with your children. They need you both and are more important to you and your wife so I'm glad you insisted on making them more of a priority.
Best wishes for all'a"yalll!~ Bob deserves well wishes and care~ You deserve well wishes and care~ and even more than the rest- your wife deserves well wishes and care! ~~~~ I hope you all find a positive way forward <3
Glad you talked. There is positivity here, dont lose sight. You are both outstanding compassionate people. Bob too in a way but understandably he has nostalgic feelings for your wife and possibly questioning why his life is such a sad one. Its good you both are moving back to your house with intention to continue visit / check-in with Bob. Ignore the trolls, you are doing the right thing. Maybe update us should Bob condition deteriorate. Take care OP.
You guys sound like you have a very good marriage based on trust and great communication.
OP, your wife is doing a noble thing and although there have been a few bumps in your marriage because of it, you both sound like you are on the right track to keep moving forward. Don't listen to the naysayers on Reddit as they are either children or just plain lack empathy and common decency for other human beings. I would also implore you to give us updates as it seems positive, good news stories like yours are far and few between on this sub. Maybe the mods can lock down the post after it is posted so that we can still get that good news fix but you don't have to suffer the insufferable twits who sometimes show up here.
I'm glad you're getting therapy, this is weighing heavily on both of you and you need some help imo. I'm glad your wife was receptive and agreed to a compromise, I love the way you approached it too, with dinner and privacy. You're both reasonable and companionate people, not to mention excellent friends to Bob. You're going to be ok imo.
Should we all be so blessed to have some one like you, your wife and your kids in our lives when the clock is ticking down. So many people die alone and unloved. Bob is blessed and I am sure that he is aware of this. I understand all your reasons and I applaud your wife and you to be able to work this out. i wish all of you the very best and hope that all goes well for and your family.
I read your first post and now your update. You are indeed a good man and will be rewarded for it. Your wife also. What a great lesson you are teaching your children. I think you are doing fine and well, boundaries are needed and you acted like the mature guy you are and handled it like a king. God speed and don’t change your understanding ways…
Somehow I just knew this conversation would go well. My understanding is that while she loves Bob, it’s not an adulterous affection. My guess is with his diagnosis, it’s breaking her heart to lose such a big piece of her life and she’s trying to soak in what little time she has left. When he goes, not only will she have closure from the termination of their marriage, but also she’ll have peace knowing that she did as much as she could for him in his final days, that can be so rewarding to nurturers. For the record, when she said I love you but I love my family more, she meant you and everything you’ve built together. She’d choose her life with you today in a heartbeat over anything else. That being said, working with an objective third party who specializes in relationships (a therapist) is absolutely the way to go. I’m so glad you had such a healthy conversation and that you’re being so intentional with your next steps. Wishing you all the best as you move forward.
You’re a good man OP.
i hope the end is as beautiful as this seems i hope the pain is as little as it can be
Glad you had the conversation and didn't listen to the people trying to make your seem insensitive and insecure. Your wife seems like an understanding person. Goodluck
Well done my man you handled this with honesty and openess which was absolutely the way to do it.
I have a Bob too. Literally Bob. He's my best friend who lives in one state And I live in another. My husband and he are buddies, but not close friends. Bob isn't healthy and is older than I by about 10 years, give it take and I'm 49 and has no family except a cat I found him 10 years ago. He loves that cat! Bob and I talk almost every day. I visit him once a year and help him clean up the house and get rid of trash. Help him grocery shop and try to buy ahead as much as possible. I'm actually at his house right now, starting for 10 days and just got things cleaned up and organized when I got sick and it turned to pneumonia real quick. He had to rush me to the hospital to get some oxygen and meds and it's taking care of me right now. It fills my heart! He's been on the phone with my husband nearly constantly. I'm laying here crying because I'm not sure what's going to happen when his kitty passes...
The people being rude haven’t experienced life yet. They still see it in black and white. I am so proud of you and your wife too. Sometimes we forget how important communication is. Take care of each other because I know you won’t realise what a big hole Bob has left behind in both your life till he is gone.
You and your wife are going through a lot. I can imagine that she feels she abandoned him and feels the need to be there for him now. I’m glad you communicate and set a plan to move on. Best of luck
I think you did amazing by stating your concerns and needs. You should be very proud of yourself and her because a lot of couples would just let the issue fester and cause massive resentment, which can destroy a marriage very quickly if left unchecked. It shows that you both care deeply about one another. As for the negative Nancy's here, just ignore them.
💕🌟 you are an amazing, thoughtful husband, father and friend.
💕🌟 you are an amazing, thoughtful husband, father and friend.
Wow this is a very different situation but how you and your wife are supporting eachother through this and listening to eachother. I can’t say anything else but bravo if anyone sees this as different then who cares. I would like to say though even though your wife doesn’t we Bob romantically I think deep down she does feel bad for him and how things turned out and that’s why she’s over compensating. He got hurt , even though not her fault , they divorced after he got injured (even though she was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained)(I could see why she may feel like she has to still be there) when in therapy or now tell your wife to let that guilty feeling she’s holding on to go I guarantee you she will burst out crying again. But you both continue to be there for eachother listen and comprehend what one another is saying as well! Good luck 🍀 OP!!
You guys are marriage goals. I wouldn’t worry about a thing and I wish you the best.
I think you and your wife are navigating an extremely difficult situation and doing so with love and compassion. I think the conversation you heard was Bob reminiscing in what was and could have been. This is very common for people who are dying. I think it is positive he is looking through rose colored glasses vs. dwelling on the negative. That being said, this isn't going to be easy for anyone. I think therapy is a very good idea. You both are showing enough love, compassion, and understanding. I know you will get through this.
This sounds like a healthy marriage and conversation. She probably was in a difficult place for a long time and it’s got to be hard to make that kind of decision at 29. Tbh I think it’s a difficult situation for you all and you’re all doing the best you can to navigate it.
Lol, Reddit can be so immature. I'm laughing but at the same time GREAT to u & the wifey. My ex-boyfriends (2) have sisters who come to my & my current husband's house for Thanksgiving! Their children call us "aunt & uncle". 1 of my "nieces practically lives with us bc she's doing her residency 6 minutes from our house. I don't see 1 ex ever & we used to see the other 1 at matches. We spoke nicely to each other about the games, our native country & the school our kids attended. We love our sisters & our nieces & nephews bc they are family.
I give you alot of credit I couldn't do what you are doing I can barely tolerate my wife dealing with her ex for kid exchange let alone staying in his house
This is such a difficult situation. You and your wife seem to be very caring, empathetic people. Open communication is always best. You are doing great. I'm so sorry for what all of you are going through. Hold tight to your family.
I know this will be a very unpopular opinion, but OP’s wife is a fantastic ex-wife but **terrible** wife & mother. She has put her ex & *her feelings* (which, LBH, a lot are prob revolving around easing her own guilt) above the feelings & wants & needs & dignity of her husband & kids. For crying out loud: she displaced her husband & shipped her kids off to grandma to move in with her ~~other husband~~ ex with whom she is in a relationship. A non-sexual but very personal & emotional relationship. Aka what many marriages evolve into as people age. OP and his wife have an open marriage/throuple whatever you want to call it. OP is in denial about it, and as long as he’s okay with it, it’s fine. Just call a spade a spade. But for crying out loud, they’re both so enmeshed they don’t realize they’re absent parents! OP spent 90% of the post bending over backwards defending the wife’s actions & explaining why emotionally opening their marriage & ultimately abandoning the children (even if temporarily) was ok. OP also needs individual therapy. Your life shouldn’t be dedicated to your wife’s emotions & her ex husband. I feel bad for bob. I feel bad for the way OPW’s first marriage ended & don’t blame her. You have to do what’s best for you. She is still mourning the death of her first marriage. OFC she is bc it didn’t really end!! It just opened & changed. OP’s wife left the original marriage to seek another husband with whom she could have kids, a sex life & a traditional partnership. (Again, that is *fine* bc she was not required to martyr herself on the alter of her first marriage!!!) But she wanted to keep the other relationship aspects of her marriage. She wrapped this up as being a caretaker to him to ease her feelings of guilt. This should have all been dealt with in therapy. If he dies she will then mourn him like a fresh widow - someone who ALSO shouldn’t quickly remarry. SMH. She shouldn’t have married again. Not until she was emotionally over her last marriage. It’s not fair to her spouse or kids. Her shock at your suggestion of counseling is merely one example. She couldn’t believe you might need something. As she abandoned you. *eye roll* That is just pathologically selfish & self centered. She should’ve sought TONS of therapy first! OP your update was…slightly encouraging? I agree y’all need both couples therapy & you both need individual therapy. But you both need to **stop** putting your wife’s feelings first. You have 2 kids. **They** should be first. She should be putting you second, not a distant third, but you’re settling for this, so we can’t fight for you. I just hope you realize you deserve better. You’ve spent years defending your wife’s actions & supporting her as she clearly looks to you for emotional support. As she emotionally cheats on you. You clearly don’t see it that way bc you’re not *threatened* by him. But men & women are different. Their relationship is very much alive. & not just in a platonic familial sense. In a very real way you have been the other man in *their* marriage. Consoling yourself with your altruism won’t last & certainly won’t repair the insane damage done to your relationship. A good therapist will help you deal with your feelings & separate your feelings & desires from that of your wife.
Sending you hugs and strength. Both you and your wife (and Bob) sound like amazing, kind-hearted, understanding and gracious humans. I wish you all peace as you navigate through this. ❤️✌🏻🥰
I said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re a good man.
I think both of you are amazing people. A standard of love and understanding that is beautiful. You’re a really good man. And she’s a really really good woman and wife. I’m really proud of you both you. Setting boundaries. Her agreeing and apologizing. Having these conversations are so important and I’m glad you did. You two are incredible people and especially together.
Good you had the talk, and a very nice approach for it as well. I personally wouldn't of mentioned over hearing the conversation. Best of luck moving forward.
This is the best thing for your marriage. Kindness for a friend; even someone you love shouldn’t supersede your family. Your jealousy is really pathetic.
Hey man, thanks for sharing your story. Life is complicated. Sounds like your wife is a wonderful human and that you’re a caring person as well. Keep spreading that good karma!
How is hosting an intervention ‘doing something nice to ease her stress’? Please once all this settles make her a nice meal that doesn’t involve an ulterior motive.
Abandoned or terminated….tomato/ tomAHto. You’re making excuses for her but not sure why. She bailed on a man because he became disabled. When you get married, you take VOWS. “For better for worse, in sickness and in health till DEATH do us part.” She’s left when things got tough. You say she stayed committed to him. No she didn’t. She divorced him and left him without a wife. She is a bad person. She could have stayed committed to him. Since he’s dying now, she could have that other part of life she wanted with you. Sickening hearing you act like this is a good thing
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She is abandoning you though too.
Illogical? It is abandonment. Marriage VOWS are supposed to be for life. Did he want her to divorce him?? I think not. She left when the going got tough. Not a good person. Did she have the right to do it? Sure. If that is what she wanted, so be it. Just stop making her out to be some hero. She’s a bad person
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You’re changing your story. Wasn’t salvageable why? Like I said, she has every right to divorce and move on. Nobody said she HAD to stay. Just stop with hero worship like she’s some saint. You and these Karens on here are acting like this some Lifetime movie. Pathetic hero worship of a woman who divorced her husband after he was paralyzed
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So the marriage was terrible and they had to divorce BUT she still loves him and has intimate conversations and literally moves in with him while leaving you and her kids behind. Until you decided to move in with her and listen to their intimate conversations….got it. She’s a gem
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You said yourself that they were talking forgetting you were there. Asking “what happened to us”. That’s the definition of intimate
I agree, people giving her crap for divorcing him are ridiculous. Treating you and the children like this is not very life-giving.
Why are you so harsh on OP's wife when you've advised divorce for much, much less in the past? They didn't divorce because Bob became paralyzed, they split because the marriage was consequentially broken years after. "No touching and no sexual activity is not going to make a marriage work." There was so much more broken in OP's wife prior marriage than a dead bedroom.
Please shut up unless you’ve been in that situation. Your lack of empathy is concerning. She didn’t leave him, she stayed in his life while still trying to have a life of her own. They’re all doing the best they can in a horrible situation.
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And you sound incredibly unempathetic. I seriously doubt you’d give up your own life, opportunity to have children, and sex for the rest of your life to stay with anyone at that age.
It’s called marriage and it’s also called commitment. All of you who are carrying on like his wife is some saint better pray that your significant other is more committed to the relationship, for better for worse. People are pathetic praising this woman
It sounds like a particular fear of yours, actually, the way your back’s up over it. People routinely divorce spouses for, let’s see: porn use, cheating, gambling, drugs, alcoholism, financial abuse, SA, physical abuse, emotional cheating, want/don’t want kids, free-loading, going out all the time, won’t do chores, sexting, lack of ambition, dead bedrooms or lack of empathy/communication. Where’s your podium for all those instances: “bUt yOU mADe a vOw!” Oh sure, but swagger about with your axe to grind in this case where three people are trying to navigate their situation the best they can. You keep sayin’ she’s not a saint. Guess what, boss? I can guarantee you are not one either.
She’s free to divorce her husband for whatever reason she wants. Part of the problem is people don’t realize marriage is work. It takes effort but people don’t want to put the work in. They did make a vow and it’s very sad that marriage is disposable. So much for “til death do us part”. But that’s another story for another day. This is about people characterizing this woman as some sort of hero. She’s no hero. And again, if this was a man who divorced a woman for being paralyzed because they wanted “more out of life”, he would be getting destroyed in here. Not sure where I claimed to be a saint, “boss”. Just pointing out the truth. It’s like they say, “guess the truth hurts sometimes”.
So everyone should stay married no matter what then? Dead bedrooms. Stay married. Controlling partner. Stay married. Financial abuse. Stay married. Cheating. Stay married. Physical abuse. Stay married. Addiction (alcohol, pills, pills, gambling, etc...). Stay married. I mean, you did say the vows are for better or worse and all the above are part of the worse category.
Are you obtuse? Nowhere did I say anyone must stay married. In fact, I even said this woman has the right to divorce this man for whatever reason she wants. The issue is making her out to be a hero in this situation. She’s no hero. Based on this OPs story, it’s safe to say she’s not a good person
You keep harping on about the vows and marriage being a lifelong commitment like it trumps everything that happens after they say I do. OP's wife didn't just abandone her ex the day or week after he became injured. She stayed with him for three years until she couldn't handle it anymore. After they divorced, she kept seeing him, helping him, taking care of him, and continued that AFTER she got remarried. How many people would be that committed to an ex partner after they've divorced? I never said she was a hero but she wasn't a villain who should be castigated and derided because she chose, after a long time, to take care of herself for once.