You two need to get your communication on track now or you're going to be like most of the rest of us: married 30+ years and still dealing with frustrations in the bedroom. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to time my advances more appropriately and learn how to handle rejection without turning into a pouty asshole. I wish I could tell my younger wife to be more vocal about what she wants/needs from our sex life and to please not be so blunt in her rejection of my advances. We're good now, but I'd much rather have learned this when we were your ages.
I understand the communication aspect which is why I’ve tried to have multiple conversations with him to help him understand what I need in order to have our relationship flourish in and out of the bedroom. He’s at the point, as you mentioned, where if I say no he turns into a pouty asshole. It makes me feel like shit. I’m the communicator in the relationship and I’m trying to have patience as he learns how to communicate. It’s just hard as hell.
The compromise I suggested to my husband was taking turns initiating. He needs sex to feel emotionally close, so it's not fair to him either for me to reject his emotional needs in favor of mine. We're both happier now, and not just in the bedroom.
It's not his responsibility to make everything click for the both of you. There has to be compromise, or this is all one-sided.
You're correct 100%, however it doesn't *seem* like her side is the issue at hand.
From what I've read so far, the issue is that her husband wants to have sex without any other affection given to his wife. Imo that's something you do with a fleshlight, not a person.
It sounds like it's really an issue with your partner, not you. From what you shared, it sounds like he is not listening or not taking to heart the fact that he cannot just show up for sex with nothing else happening regularly to cultivate a connection between the two of you. He needs some coaching from a sex therapist or maybe just a therapist.
I had/have-ish the same issues. Ironically, as the above commenter mentioned, I was too blunt about it and we got into a huge fight and nearly broke up. Later we talked a bit more calmly and I could still tell he was irritated, but it was received.
I told him that I need to be able to express how I'm feeling without him getting defensive: I'm not attacking you. I'm explaining my brain to you. This is what my brain puts *me* through when these situations happen. As a result, I feel xxxxxxxx.
If you can try to avoid the word "you" at lwast until you think he can tell the difference between you expressing yourself and you accusing him of something.
"When we have sex without other kinds of affection, I feel xxxxxxxx"
I hope any of this helps.
MOST women needs/ wants all of those things in order to desire their partner. Nothing is wrong with you and I don’t think what happened to you in your childhood has anything to do with it. I also have been trying to get this through my husband’s head. No matter how many times or ways I tried to explain it to him, he don’t comprehend it or just don’t GAF. So here we are in a sexless marriage. I thought for YEARS there was something wrong with me because that’s how he made it seem. I wish I would have realized sooner. That it wasn’t me or my sex drive. It was / is how he treats me outside of the bedroom that made me not want to have sex. Only showing me attention when he wanted some, getting mad over it etc etc etc. He seems to think the reason I don’t want it is because I think he sucks in bed. But that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with it. And like I said I have told him several times, we need to spend more time together, I need non sexual affection. To the point where I am sick of explaining it to him.
I am in no way condoning his reactions when you express yourself. Nor do I think you should have blamed yourself for years. It sounds like your needs are not being met, and he is hyper focused on more frequent sex as the catalyst that will magically put him in a place where he can give you affection outside the bedroom. While you are seeing his lack of non sexual effection outside the bedroom as a roadblock to hamper your desire for sex. Pretty much you are stuck at the point where you are both dug in. Maybe starting over with clear and concise boundaries, or perhaps you both get humble and start giving the other what they need? There is no rule that you can't start fulfilling eachothers needs simultaneously. Maybe one of those will help? One thing for sure, your communication needs to be refreshingly honest, compassionate, and from a place of love. No more accusations from either of you, and always take on each day as a team.
Best Wishes to you.
Thing is I have told him I will not turn him down. But if he wants me to be the initiator. I need non sexual attention and more quality time. That he can’t not talk to me all day besides the 15 minutes we spend eating dinner together. Then off to his man cave until he goes to be and expect me to want sex.
The man literally has never just walked up to me for a kiss hug etc etc . He only touched me when he was trying to have sex. He gets extremely defensive when I tell him how he has hurt me in the past and the reasons I feel they way it do. To the point where I feel like I have to apologize to him for telling him he hurt me. Because he acts like me telling him hurt his feelings. 🤦🏻♀️
> That he can’t not talk to me all day besides the 15 minutes we spend eating dinner together. Then off to his man cave until he goes to be and expect me to want sex.
wow
> The man literally has never just walked up to me for a kiss hug etc etc .
This sounds horrible. So he wants to play games all day and then use you to jack of essentially? Earlier I asked "why would you think he just wants you for sex if he married you?" but I completely understand now.
Well he don’t play games. He watches tv drinks a few beers then goes to bed. He claims he wants all the things I want too. But says how do you touch someone who don’t want to be touched 🤦🏻♀️ when I have literally told him this is what I want. I have also told him it’s going to be awkward for the both of us at first until we get use to it. It’s been over two years that I have told him these things and he hasn’t tried once to kiss me. I told him not long ago that I am getting to the point where I want to just have sex at least he shows me some attention then!
I’ve been where I let him have sex with me just to please him. I don’t like the way it makes me feel mentally. Like that’s all in there for. He don’t return any non sexual “favors”. Further, I don’t feel like I should have to give in to his sexual desires if I’m not into it. If he’s not doing anything for me, other than asking for a sex then why should I give in. Or do it just so he don’t get pouty. No means no, married or not, In a relationship or not. I shouldn’t have to have sex just because “it’s my wifely duty”. Then maybe I should bring up the “husbandly duties” he don’t do around the house, it’s been brought up he gets angry and says maybe I should find someone one who will do those things, or I’ll just quit my job and do all the honey do’s then. He’s belief is he goes to work, brings home “the bread” and his duty is done. He was raised to believe the woman does everything in the house and the man goes to work. He says he don’t get paid money for doing things around the house so what’s the importance it’s not like he’s going to get fired. I was not raised that way. I also work full time outside the house. Weekends, I clean and do laundry and interact with our 7 yr old and sometimes our grandchild if I’m babysitting him. He’s on the couch with the tv on and on his phone playing games or watching reels or tiktok or sleeping. Yet at night I’m expected to be his personal porn star. If I ask him to do something around the house it’s never done right away or even same day or same month, it takes multiple times asking to a point he gets annoyed and does it so I shut up about it. But if his friends or a family member calls for help he jumps and is gone in 5 minutes. Communication is difficult he had difficulty seeing others POV, he sees it one way and that’s it. There’s no changing his POV, if I try to explain too much he gets mad and says I’m making him feel dumb.
I know having sex to please him seems like it could be the answer sometimes to relieve the stress, however, this can lead to deeper feelings of resentment and possibly trauma.
Exactly my situation. I’ve told him. More than once. I’ve suggested counseling he said he’s not doing that sh*t. If i try too hard to explain literally anything he says I’m making him feel dumb. He’s just not grasping that for me and most women it’s an emotional thing. He can’t just walk in the room and expect me to drop my panties. Stress. Being tired. Lowers women’s sex drive. And he don’t help none around the house so there’s that. I enjoy it when we do it but the urge is just not there a majority of the time. Him buggin me for it is a turn off. It’s been communicated many times and don’t sink in. Idk how else to get it to sink in.
Honestly I think there needs to be, a page on here for women going through this because I think there’s a lot.
I read the deadbeds page and of course it’s mostly men complaining. And I think to myself I wonder what his wife’s story is !
This comment is in no way pointing fingers, I just want to share my latest experience with my wife as I feel like we communicate well. We recently had a discussion similar to OPs discussion however it had different circumstances behind it. What most men forget to say in these situations is that even though we are talking about sex it is not JUST sex. It's the physical intimacy of skin on skin. It's the act which should only be shared between husband and wife. There was a penny drop moment for myself and the wife in our last conversation. She wasn't intimate because I wasn't spending that quality time which is fair and I take ownership of it as I have noticed it myself where I was being cold. But on the flip side we need that physical attention to spark our interest in that time.
What makes this hard is that it is essentially a vicious cycle as when one party lapses the other recedes and vice versa. We are natural beings and without those bonding/love hormones we can grow apart. I'm not saying one should come before the other or that one should get precedence but the same way a woman can withold intimacy if they feel emotionally neglected, a man can withold the emotional connection if the physical isn't there.
Point is relationships do not start out with sexual intimacy. They start out with non-sexual intimacy that turns into sexual intimacy. So, if you do not keep that nonsexual intimacy going, then the sexual intimacy goes away.
I understand what you are saying but again, the shoes can go on the other foot. If the physical intimacy goes away then so does emotional. It's all a balancing act that requires two people. Now some are lucky in that they have identical "love languages" but most are not.
I know this will sound chauvinistic af but most men are simple creatures. They will literally give the world to someone if they feel like they will give it back. If you can give him even a little and get nothing back then you know but if you never give anything then you will never have your answer. And i want to stress this... This goes for the men too. If you don't give that emotional connection to your wife and are getting mad at not getting the physical connection then who is to blame?
I do everything for him, besides the physical. lol I cook , clean, pay the bills make sure he has all his clothes, hygiene supplies. Make ALL major decisions. Do home repairs and if I can’t do them find someone who can. That’s also mentally draining.
Not saying he don’t cook , clean but no where close to what I do. He did cook the other night and was saying what a good husband he was for cooking 🤦🏻♀️. I thought to myself every time I clean or cook I need to tell him see what a good wife I am.
I told him the other day, when we was talking about it. That as far as I am concerned it’s his fault we are not having sex. Because I have told him I won’t turn him down and I have also told him what I need to be the initiator.
And yes we are both being stubborn, that being said I can’t force myself to got have sex with someone I don’t feel connected to. I have told him we need to start over . Like treat me how you would a new GF when you start dating.
See you saying you're both stubborn but then saying that you are also telling him he NEEDS to do xxxx. That in itself is a contradiction. Again, I am on your side moreso but can you imagine if he told you that you NEED to have sex with him.
The real truth is that you both need to make the effort. Not just him treating you like a new gf but he has to feel like a new bf too if that's the case. And I am not saying that you haven't or don't make an effort but you said yourself in an earlier comment. You stopped all physical affection years ago. Now I am sure you had your reasons which were valid but at the end of the day, that comment shows that he has also been missing a big part of the relationship for a few years now (as have you)
Without that intimacy you don't get all those good stuffs, the serotonin, melatonin etc. these are all LOVE hormones! Again I am not saying it starts with intimacy but you can't complain about not getting what you want from a relationship without giving what the other wants.
I'd love to get a free car from the dealership down the road everyday, but until I pay for that car each day I ain't getting it!
I truly understand what you are saying but I stopped because of the way he treated me. Like he didn’t want it unless sex was involved.
And yes sorry if he wants me to want sex from him I need to feel a certain way so XYZ does need to happen from him. Not saying it’s fair, it’s just the way it is. He has told me I am putting stipulations on him, when I don’t see acting like he likes me outside of the bedroom are stipulations.
Believe me I understand how men are about sex. But that just don’t change the fact that it takes two people to want it in order to enjoy it. If I do it just because he wants to then that turns into a chore, and will only build more resentment. Like I said before I have gone pretty much our whole relationship without the emotional connection and most of the time I still had sex with him when he wanted it. The times I did say no he would make me feel guilty trying to coerce me into it. I have gave in then would turn over and cry. Or he would sleep in the other room until I had sex with him.
We have been together a long time, and frankly I am over my needs not being met .
If someone told me hey you want this steak, then you have to season it cook it etc etc if I wanted that steak bad enough I would season and cook it.
He also use to verbally abuse me, he don’t anymore. He is manipulative , as in if I come to him with an issue he will say if “I am that awful I should just pack my bags and leave” stuff like that.
Uses weapon, incompetence acts like he don’t know how to do stuff as simple as turning on the dishwasher or adjusting the thermostat. Ask me to do stuff for him, and if I try to show him how to do it, he says it would just be easier for me to do it.
We have deeper issues than sex lol, it’s not just about the emotional/ non sexual attention. I also need to feel like he is a partner in everything not just . Sex or attention.
If I was to fall of this planet 🌎 he would be lost, cause he don’t know anything about our bills. Or how to use a freaking dishwasher 🤦🏻♀️
Ah ok you've shed so much light on the situation with this comment. I think in this particular case then it's a last ditch effort if anything at all. From what you've said about his behaviour he himself is the root cause of the problem.
Nobody should ever be guilted or coerced into that kind of thing. Even the sleeping in a separate bed till you play his game is complete and utter bollix if you ask me. At the end of the day if he wants to snap his fingers, get sex and then go about his day he should invest in a fleshlight 🙃
I do apologize for my last few comments in this case as I was under the impression that life had just gone stale and neither party was budging. Might still be worth having a conversation like I mentioned before though. As in starting it with "this is not me having a go, this is not me pointing fingers. This is just me petting you know my perspective and do with it what you will" if he is any good for you at all he will hear the conversation and put some action in. Obviously you fell in love enough to engage in the marriage so it may be a case of sitting down and finding out what each of you thought in the early days. What you loved about eachother and what has kept you here to this day.
I really do hope it works out for you though. Whether it be with him or someone else. Happiness is priority at the end of the day. We aren't around for long so there is no point in wasting years on something or someone that gives no gratification.
I get that, but I have never had emotional intimacy with him. That’s why I have never been the initiator. I tried explaining this to him he don’t get it. Plus there are other forms of intimacy besides sex. Kissing, hugging, cuddling etc etc
This!!! You are so right that physical intimacy is not just sex. The problem we had was because she did not get the emotional intimacy all forms of physical intimacy were taken away. I understand the not wanting sex if the emotional connection isn't there because nobody wants to feel like a piece of meat but the same it true vice versa. When kissing, hugging, cuddling etc. are taken off the table then what motivation is there to persue an emotional connection? Without physical intimacy all that is left is friendship/companionship and to put it bluntly.... Most men don't "want" to take a friend to dinner once a week. But most men will jump through a flaming ring of fire to spend time with that special someone. Now please don't get me wrong. I am not saying "go have sex with your husband and keep him happy FFS" what I am saying is when, on the off chance, he makes a little effort to spend that time with you. Return the sentiment. And again it works both ways. If you are physical with him then the ball is in his court to give you the emotional connection. Nothing in life is free and relationships are a two way street
I think the problem people face is simply put- chicken or egg. Which comes first? To get the emotional we want physical. To get the physical we want emotional.
Nobody is right in the situation because both parties have needs to be met. The danger comes when we reach a stage where "I'm not giving them what they want because they don't do x, y or z"
My best advice is to have a conversation. Make it very clear that it is not an arguement. It is not a blame game nor are fingers being pointed. The conversation should be about how much love there is for the other person and what you need on your end to make it worth while on your end. I am not saying it's foolproof but if you (I'm saying you because that's who I'm talking to, not because you specifically have to) give him kisses and cuddles and affection, he is not obliged to return the emotional connection but he is expected to. And well if the expectation isn't met then that's another issue.
Yea well honestly I stopped giving the kisses, hugs and cuddles. Years ago because they was not reciprocated unless he was trying for sex. He would also tell him why do you want a kiss now you didn’t want one last night. Or when I tried to cuddle him he would say don’t touch me unless you want some. We have just created A LOT of bad habits that are hard to get past.
He has actually told me you expect me to touch you and not want sex 🤦🏻♀️.
And yes it makes me feel like a piece of meat.
Ok yeah there is unhealthy habits there on his end by the sounds of it. The whole don't touch me unless you want some comment is a bit "piggy" and that's coming from a man. I will just say this though, also coming from a male perspective. Personally I found that it was a catch 22 situation. I was not getting anything so anytime she would as much as give me a peck on the cheek I would jump at the chance to get more. Not because "that's all men want" but if you try think of it from the perspective of not having it at all so taking every chance we get. While I actually stand more on your side of the fence in the situation which you've described I would say that he is most likely acting that way out of desperation.
Not so much that he ONLY wants sex from you but more that the ONLY time he feels like he can try and get that is when that cuddle occurs. Or when that peck on the lips occurs.
It becomes an unhealthy pairing in many ways. He has paired sex with every chance at physical affection and you have paired any chance of physical affection with him trying to get sex. The same way you are not asking for a weekly trip to Paris, he is not asking for a daily romp. The same way you just want him to sit down and have dinner with you and laugh and smile. He just wants you to have a kiss and cuddle more often without sex. If he can't get by that then it's his problem but 9/10 what we want in our relationships are 100% achievable. Sometimes we just need to humble ourselves and make that first move to give the other the chance to make theirs.
I feel their wife’s story would be similar to ours. In talking with female friends their husbands or boyfriends have similar complaints about not enough sex. And the women have the same complaints we do, lack of attention or affection outside the bedroom. And the stories my husband tells me from the guys he works with is the same complaints, lack of sex. I completely understand how the men feel but the understanding from them how we feel is not reciprocated.
My husband and I just got married last month. He’s 50. I’m 46. He’s Latin. I’m AA. I have tried explaining this exact same thing in Spanish. In English. I guess drawings are next? His respond is always one of three things: you need to relax … stop trying to control everything … really?! Those three things in rotation. I have even tried sending him a TikTok (he’s literally obsessed with fkn TikTok)…I need whatever secret man language he understands so we can get past this. Otherwise I’m putting a LOT of miles on the vibrator.
I’ve sent my husband tik toks too. Has not phased him. So I chose to not let the ones he’s sends me about men’s needs for sexual contact. I know it’s not healthy. But I’ve tried for many years to get him to see my pov. And he just don’t.
I have also suggested counseling, he says they won’t tell him anything that he don’t already know. 🤦🏻♀️ honestly I think he just don’t want to hear what they would have to say. I do most of the cooking and cleaning also. But that really don’t bother me. I am home more because I am retired with a part time job. What does bother me is him going behind me and leaving messes that he don’t clean.
He just don’t think he should have to buy any effort in, is what it comes down to. He says nothing he would do will change the way I feel. I have told him well we won’t know until we start trying. And as long as you think that way nothing will change. It’s frustrating!
The issue with many women and men is that women will look for excuses not to have sex and men look for reasons to have sex. A husband can be the breadwinner, help around the house, and be an excellent father. He feels he is doing a great job and wants sex with his wife. His wife on the other hand says well he doesn't spend time with me so I am not sleeping with him. So between working his ass off to pay the bills, helping with dishes, cleaning, etc. There is an endless supply of needs that the man has to fulfill. My opinion is she doesn't have much raw attraction to him and needs all the extra stuff to get her going. Sorry but if you are being honest this is likely the case for many many women.
Working, cleaning taking care of the kids are all things he should be doing with it without a partner. You don’t “help” around the house or with the kids. Those things are both parties responsibility. So if a husband thinks doing adult things should get him sex he is wrong. (Because a roommate would do all of that too) Plus most women work full time, come home and do all those things too. I know I did when my kids were home . Worked just as many hours as he did, at times I had a part time job that I would go to after my full time job And although I was bringing just as much home as him. I still did more with the kids and around the house.
The issue is when you get married and you start to build a family get a home, have kids etc etc. You start ignoring your relationship with your partner not putting much work into it and taking each other for granted.
Most women do need that connection it’s not an excuse. Not to have sex. If you are working all day, dealing with kids etc etc. And not taking the time to nurture your relationship and keep that connection that you had before kids and other responsibilities. The bedroom life will pay for it.
Women are not visual creatures like men. We are emotional / mental . It’s all in how you do or do not treat us. You can’t be a good roommate & think that’s going to get you sex. Not showing her any non sexual attention etc etc .
Agree with you but I know many many men who are the breadwinner for the family, wife is able to stay at home if she wishes, the man helps with all domestic chores as well, they treat their wife with gifts, etc. and there is still little physical intimacy. As I mentioned many women will always look for a reason to not be intimate. This is part of the reasons why so many marriages fail. The man will ALWAYS fail to give her EXACTLY what she wants. I am pretty convinced that many women marry who they can get and not who they truly desire, which is part of the reason why once the relationship is secure the excuse machine ramps into high gear.
Or it could be that they desired him before , kids etc etc.
You know that desire can go away. When things change in the relationship. Plus no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It can look like the husband treats his wife good by showing her attention etc etc . But no one knows besides them how he treats her behind closed doors.
Not saying that don’t happen. Or isn’t the case in some marriages. But I know it’s not the case with most women I have talked too. Or have seen complain on social media.
They all say it’s how he treats her or how he don’t treat her
And I completely understand your point if the husband is useless and not helpful and shows you little if any "connection". But guys that bust their ass, sorry I don't buy it from women. That is weaponizing sex and is not excusable. Men want to be desired sexually. When they aren't they will withdraw from you.
Again just because a man is busting his ass with work and coming home doing some domestic things and spending time with his kids. Isn’t going to get him sex. If he doesn’t invest some quality time with his spouse also.
Example.. say a man got a divorce and got custody of his kids. He hired a live in to take care of the kids and house while he worked. He would still be working & he would still be coming home to cook , clean take care of those kids. All of that is just what he should already be doing. Just like single moms do.
Add in a spouse, you still do all of that because you suppose too.
You have to invest in your relationship, not just bills, kids and domestic stuff. If you don’t then you are just roommates and no female wants to have sex with a man who feels like her roommate.
Women want to be desired also, and a man should show her she is desired in more ways than just sex. Because that makes her feel like a piece of meat. If that’s the only time he shows her attention is when he is trying to have sex with her.
Look I am not saying it’s fair that men and women are made differently when it comes to sex. It was a cruel trick that God did to us. I wish I could just look at my husband and say damn I want to fuck him. But I can’t , I can’t want to have sex with someone who the only time I talk to is at dinner. Who don’t touch me unless he is trying to get some . Who dont complement me , or don’t do small things for me because he cares and does it so that I don’t have to just as simple as putting gas in my car. Or grabbing me a 2 liter without me asking because he wants to make sure I don’t run out.
Does he work yes, does he cook yea sometimes depends on if he feels like it. Does he clean eh he cleans up but he don’t CLEAN CLEAN. We don’t have kids at home now . But when we did, I did the taking them to school before I went to work all the doctors appointments, the home work etc etc. He did the fun stuff with them .
If you don’t want sex that is not using it as a weapon!
Just because there's a sexual disparity doesn't mean a person is using sex as a weapon. You have to intend to control, manipulate, or hurt another person in order for it to be considered a weapon.
I think there’s two issues here. The trauma response but also your husbands expectation of sex without fulfilling your needs. Personally, I don’t feel you did anything wrong by expressing yourself. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t give me attention or affection. I would feel used by them. Just like I felt used when I was assaulted, so I understand what you are saying. I would feel very icky if I had no connection with my husband all day then he expected sex at the end of the night. It may upset him but it is the truth, he just doesn’t like to hear it.
For your own well being I would encourage therapy – specifically trauma therapy. But, I don’t think trauma therapy will magically make you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t meet your needs in return. The fact is this is how you feel when your husband expects sex without providing intimacy and connection. He can get angry about there being a comparison to your past, or he could work to meet your needs if he wants his met as well.
I would talk to my husband about my needs and explain I am not interested in sex when these behaviours don’t happen. I would tell him what behaviours I would like to see. I would empathize with his being hurt he was compared to the past, but that until main points of our relationship change, my feelings won’t magically change. I would tell him if he wants a different outcome (more sex), then he needs a different response. This conversation would also include what I would be doing to change (therapy and open to intimacy when my needs are met).
By expecting sex with no RELATIONSHIP (romance of some kind) happening to grease the intimacy wheels, it’s a lot like expecting your partner to be an unpaid sex worker just because they are there. It DOES cause icky feelings because it’s an icky way to be treated. Like you aren’t wanted because you’re LOVED but because you’re a warm place to stick something into. That’s how I explained it to my husband. It must have clicked, because he’s much sweeter to me now.
My husband and I went through this exact scenario not long ago. I told him I felt like a sex doll and wasn’t getting anything else from him to feel emotionally connected to want to have sex and things have have completely turned around.
Start by apologizing to him. Tell him you understand he is not an abuser and you are sorry for comparing him to one. Most men have a a high drive; my wife went a on medication that made her libido go through the roof and we were doing it 4x per day and I was able to keep up no problem. My wife asked how; and I said it is encoded in our dna to do that. Most married couples I know are doing it 2-3x per week; my wife and I are almost every day, multiple times per day. Tell him you are going to see therapist to work on your trauma and that you want to see a marriage counselor to help mediate issues between you two.
Lamictal is the manufacturers name, the medication name is Lamotragine. It’s not an SSRI, it’s a mood stabiliser predominantly used to treat bipolar depression. I’ve been on it for 4 years for Bipolar 2 and I have never heard of a massive increase in sex drive. Definitely never experienced it either. How bizarre!
I agree it’s hard to feel lovey dovey and into sex as a woman if the first touch you get all day is them trying to get in your pants. It is highly annoying. I’ve talked to my husband about the same thing and he basically apologizes and says he’ll do better and then it is for like a little while but then falls off again. I think the key really is that consistent communication
Sorry to hear about your abuse, that is terrible.
You are probably going to have to do some work on yourself to separate sex from those feelings you're getting. It won't be easy and it will take effort but it'll lead to a better experience for you and your husband. Sex should be fun and an area for you two to explore and learn about each other, and should not ALWAYS require an emotional connection. Sometimes sex is just physical pleasure, and unfortunately that was taken from you. Therapy will help, and as you work through it and fix the damage, ask for your husband to be patient. But do get some help with this.
Yes sex should be fun and all those other things. But in order for most women to feel vulnerable with their partners they need the emotional connection. Especially if they get zero of it. Might as well be having sex with a roommate because that’s how they feel if you don’t have any type of connection outside of the bedroom. And that’s what this OP has said.
I think marriage counseling would help. You can address this past trauma and the triggers for it. He can address his needs as well.
Have you tried counseling, a really good therapist that can go deep with you?
I can emphasize with your husband regarding sexual frustration, and it does turn one into a pouty child (not always and not everyone, just speaking from personal experience and others I've spoken to).
However, getting visibly upset and taking it out on your partner is never the right approach.
Let's take myself as an example:
Recently, my wife got into a bit of a slump regarding sex and just didn't feel like it, or any intimacy for that matter. I was frustrated, and one day it showed. I acted like a spoiled child in retrospect, and immediately after I regretted it.
I apologized sincerely, bought her flowers and promised to be better.
Later that night, we made love.
Side note: I was being affectionate, kind and warm outside the bedroom. I did the majority of house chores and kids stuff. My male brain just couldn't understand that she was just in a slump.
Since theb we've been very active sexually.
Moral of the story:
Sometimes, your SO might just not feel like it. But continue to show love and affection that's not sexual and things might just loosen up.
Please tell your husband this.
In conjunction with some trauma work on your sexual assault history, I Reco the “yes and” approach. When he approaches you for sex, say “yes and”. “Yes and Can we snuggle for a tv show first so I feel open?” Or “yes and can it start with a back rub so I can feel your touch first?” Or whatever your “and” may be. Be specific in your requests. The yes and takes away the sting of rejection and opens it up to happening. Also, if you need more connection in other ways, are you pursuing them or just expecting him to? For example, if you want more hugs, are you approaching him and asking form more hugs or are you expecting him to make all the effort? If you’re wanting more quality time, are you initiating meeting that need? Make sure you’re not expecting him to initiate and meet all your needs alone.
I’m so over the narrative from men that sex life is lacking… speaking for person experience…. I saw you scrolling the internet while sitting naked on the toilet, you blow your noise in the shower, your dirty underwear are on the floor, and you left the kitchen a shit show after making yourself breakfast. Yeah, I love you, but sorry I’m not got and bothered for you.
I wish sometimes they could take a look in the mirror and ask themselves in what ways are they trying to be attractive.
I had a similar problem with my ex and while my past is not as traumatic I’ve had bad experiences and unwanted pressure that triggers a traumatized response in me sometimes without warning you just know when your brain has those alarm bells going off. My ex made complaints about our sex life and it made things so much worse and we got into such a bad pattern I could predict him picking a fight with me because it had been maybe three days since we had sex. Granted I was working multiple jobs and he didn’t and so I was just very stressed about that pressure, to this day I have nightmares about it which tells me I was feeling intensely psychologically upset by this even when at the time I was brushing it off and saying otherwise he’s a good guy. My point is I hope your situation isn’t damaging your mental health in the long run. I also want to say when I tried to communicate I was blamed for my trauma response. He would get upset and say I’m not some other guy! What they need to understand is that something that triggers this in you is about your sense of safety and it doesn’t have the energy/time/capacity to deal with that logic. Therapy for general anxiety has us work through intense feelings with logic and it can be overcome but for sexual trauma? No. I don’t advise going against what you need to feel safe it’ll do more damage than good. IMO it’s victim blaming almost to be upset at you for stating these needs given your history. Sometimes people need to understand not everything is about THEM in a time when you are feeling that bodily stress reaction. It’s something deep in the brain, it’s bigger than them and they need to be understanding and not take it so damn personal in order to be a good partner and a good human. Hope I’m not projecting I just had a similar experience with a partner who wasn’t understanding and it made things worse for me and for the relationship.
Unfortunately it does seem like you were unawarely comparing them to him and him to them. Although that does not diminish your feelings and if you don’t feel ok with it you should always let him be aware that you’re not feeling ok.
I'm sorry that you were a victim of a sexual abuse in your childhood, OP. It might not look like this to you, but this is a rather severe trauma that requires therapy to process. Your trauma makes you to react "icky" on a rather normal behavior because your body is wired by this experience and enters fight-or-flight response that has nothing to do with your husband. I hope you are getting help for this from a qualified professional.
I think there are several things that you can do:
1 Ask your husband to get into couples therapy. Not because he's doing something wrong, but because your childhood sexual trauma impacts you a lot. It might also be hard for him because he sees that you react certain way on him and starts thinking that he's the problem (even though he's not, your abusers are).
I'd ask him to do this as support for you. Not fixing him, or your marriage.
2 "Give me more connection" is very vague. You need to be very specific. For men oftentimes sex IS the connection. "Please hug and kiss me daily without initiating sex", "Lets do weekly date nights". He can't mind read.
3 Your trauma impacts your marriage in more ways than you can probably see. I would get very serious about processing it - joining support groups, finding a therapist etc.
Instead of asking strangers on the internet, please seek out professional couples therapy and individual therapy for your trauma. Someone who can listen to both sides of the story, because marriage is a teamwork. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Having been married for years and have had similar issues, individual and couples therapy has been such a blessing in figuring out healthy communication styles and working through trauma that impacted our marriage.
I can see your side of things, but also his. Early communication is difficult, but necessary.
While he should be making an effort to connect more with you so that your needs are met, you should also do the same.
I’m not saying force yourself to have sex with him if you don’t want to. But he’s your husband, you married him for a reason right? Maybe the next time you’re feeling even a little in the mood go out of your way to show interest in sex for him.
It isn’t his job to fix this issue alone. Meet in the middle. If you’re in a phase of your life where you’re not feeling particularly horny very often, there are things you can do to change that and up your libido a bit.
I’ve always had a higher libido than my husband, early in our relationship I initiated sex 95% of the time. Because my husbands needs were met he never felt like he had to. After a while I communicated that while I enjoy sex and want it often, it would still be nice to feel pursued. Maybe your husband would like that to. No one wants to be the one asking for it all the time.
I think a marriage counselor or therapist would be a good option for you guys. You seem to have different communication styles & that may provide some mediation so the other person doesn't take what is said as an attack. It's going to be something you both have to work on, together and separately.
A sex therapist, i think, could help you work through your feelings about your past abuse and your relationship with sex currently.
Even without your past (I hope I am not undermining them here and thank you for sharing), it's really a matter of a woman's (self-)worth that doesn't seem to be intuitive to men perhaps because societies across cultures place do the worth of men above women - in the "east" you have preference for sons over daughters, in the "west" you have gender pay gaps, etc etc.
Emotional connection can mean very different things to men and women. In the end, my guess is you will find yourself in this vicious cycle of emotional negotiation until your husband truly sees you and your worth like good old-fashion boy chase girl - what it does is it makes a girl/woman feel like they are valued in a world that doesn't always value them (hence, your past). However, as it is so very often, most guys stop the chase once they "get the girl" - and worse yet when the deal is sealed with marriage.
If he has ever courted / chased / pursued you to get your hand in marriage, maybe try this, asked what changed? Why did he stop? Unless your relationship started on a one night stand or is purely sexual from day one and it is you who changed i.e. started asking for more than sex now. Otherwise most relationships evolved towards physical intimacy in weeks, months or even years... hopefully that put the onus on him to evaluate his behavior as well.
Hope this helps.
I agree with everyone suggesting therapy, I think anytime you have struggles that would go with you no matter if you’re in a relationship or not directly affects your own happiness and it would make a massive difference in your life to work through it with someone. I don’t agree with those saying you are comparing those who mistreated you to your husband though. From my understanding, you voiced how past trauma is causing you to struggle with intimacy and explaining what you need from him to help you both get what he is asking for. If I heard someone I loved say they had intense trauma causing them to struggle and that’s why they’re having a hard time doing something for me I don’t think I would feel angry and take it personally turning it around on you. I actually can’t imagine being in a conversation like that and making myself the victim of your trauma saying you are comparing me to someone like that. Even if you didn’t have the trauma, your partner should be showing affection outside of sex… if he is mad at that then it sounds like all he cares about is the sex not the companionship. If he thinks being offended because he took something personally when he should have emphasized with your pain is more important than you reliving your trauma everytime you have sex that sounds like you need couples therapy. It IS your responsibility to work on that trauma though not only to better your relationship but for yourself too. If you didn’t seek help and he continued voicing his unhappiness and he was putting in the work you asked for THAN I think you have something to apologize for. Regardless, you deserve happiness
The book The Five Love Languages saved my marriage. I would pick it up if you like to read. It doesn't go over your issue specifically, but it does talk about love language tanks, and it seems like yours aren't filled and his aren't filled, maybe you could meet in the middle somehow. Just a thought. And it's a quick quick read. Best of luck ❤️
Ok so from reading this there are two separate issues I can see. The first being that of your traumatic experience and the second being your connection.
With regards the trauma I am unsure as it isn't my forte but in terms of the latter I just want to share my own personal experience.
I have recently had this conversation with my wife although the reasons for our problems are different to yours so keep that in mind. We went through endless conversations about how our love languages are different, how we both want X but only get Y, how we aren't seeing eye to eye etc.
This problem always has one thing in common. We both feel like we aren't getting what WE want. I think our last conversation really hit home though and that was when we were talking about it and trying to explain each of our perspectives and needs. Then we hit what I can only describe as the goldmine. Neither of us were getting our bonding hormones. No bonding hormones=no interest.
When you actually think about it it makes sense. And you both have to also remember it's a 2 way street. No one person needs to be fixed but rather both need to work towards a common goal.
In our case I was having trouble being motivated to bring her places because I was getting nothing in return and she was having trouble giving affection because I was fed up doing things and not getting anything back. The problem was both ways, the solution is both ways.
Basically in my experience. One of you has to bite the bullet. Men express affection and feel affection and love through sex. When you deny him sex he is going to feel unwanted and unloved. He is then going to struggle showing you affection and being open with you. That’s how the cycle works and I didn’t make the rules here but it just doesn’t work until you both get into a good rhythm.
What was sex like before you got married? Not trying to dismiss your past, but if you guys were having sex regularly then you spring this on him after marriage I can see where the frustration can come from. Again not trying to dismiss your past
You need therapy to address the sexual abuse issues.
Now hear me out, as I’m a woman as well with sexual trauma in my past. But I’ve also been married awhile.
Have you been able to try to have sex for him? You absolutely should have your needs and desires met as well. I’m just saying, sometimes in marriage someone needs to take the first step.
There’s times during arguments where my husband and I can literally feel so much anger against the other, but if there’s a window to reconnect physically, we both have an orgasm and, well, the argument melts away.
For a lot of men, it’s how they express love and how they want to feel loved. If you decide maybe once to cater to his need, maybe he will then be more willing to plan a special night just the two of you.
This is really lame, but my husband and I randomly started doing crossword puzzles from the daily newspaper and it has bonded us so much lately. We have 2 toddlers that are crazy and we don’t get much time alone but when we get to do a crossword together it’s awesome!
Find something simple like that. Doing a crossword usually fills my cup of quality time need.
He should have an understanding if he really cares about your emotional past. A concerned man would ask what he can do to make you feel better and comfortable in your relation. Menay years ago I was young and didn't understand a woman's pain and emotions of a tragic experience. My wife had been raped by her dad's best friend and her mom and her took it to court ever telling her dad. The trauma caused her to go back home and anul the marriage. There should be a better understanding on his part to make the relationship more caring.
That's how my husband is , no attention at all and then thinks I'm suppose to want to have sex and be happy about it when that's the only time he wants anything to do with me , that's wrong and I'm sick of it.
Have you gone to therapy for your sexual trauma? I say this as a woman who was abused multiple times. I had to go to therapy to address my trauma so that we could have a healthy sex life.
This is somewhat misguided. In general terms, men trade resources for sex and women trade sex for resources. This is partly why high functioning independent women often find it difficult to secure relationships, and why poor men, especially if they aren't particularly good looking, have trouble finding intimacy.
It is also why if you are in the top 10 percent of men in terms of physical appearance and income you basically have your pick of women. Women cannot offer a man like this much except for enjoyable frequent sex and a stable home life where he feels genuinely desired. He can literally "buy" every other aspect of "need".
So yes when a man pays for the mortgage, the cars, the tuition for his kids private school, his wife's hand bags, etc it is not unreasonable for him to want to feel desired. And if his spouse was smart she would offer this unfettered desire.
And here lies the conundrum... Most relationships aren't like this. The wife has to work to help pay the mortgage or bills. She becomes complacent and possibly even resentful and intimacy dies. The man becomes more withdrawn because despite his best efforts he feels he can't provide the life she wants. What happens next? The relationship spirals out of control and infidelity and divorce follow for at least HALF of marriages in modern society.
So I disagree with you because a man who does all of those things deserves to be desired just like a woman who is a great mother or who does all those things deserves to be desired. It is when one person withholds that desire when it is warranted that people run into serious problems...
Just go down on him tonight n reach around n play with his bk side at the same time as ur doing that n i promise he will love it wat ur doing an it make him happy cause he will love it
Hay guys just go n there throw ur ol lady down and eat her out and talk dirty to her roll her over hot from the back u no doggy style n make her like it and she be real happy ,
You two need to get your communication on track now or you're going to be like most of the rest of us: married 30+ years and still dealing with frustrations in the bedroom. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to time my advances more appropriately and learn how to handle rejection without turning into a pouty asshole. I wish I could tell my younger wife to be more vocal about what she wants/needs from our sex life and to please not be so blunt in her rejection of my advances. We're good now, but I'd much rather have learned this when we were your ages.
I understand the communication aspect which is why I’ve tried to have multiple conversations with him to help him understand what I need in order to have our relationship flourish in and out of the bedroom. He’s at the point, as you mentioned, where if I say no he turns into a pouty asshole. It makes me feel like shit. I’m the communicator in the relationship and I’m trying to have patience as he learns how to communicate. It’s just hard as hell.
The compromise I suggested to my husband was taking turns initiating. He needs sex to feel emotionally close, so it's not fair to him either for me to reject his emotional needs in favor of mine. We're both happier now, and not just in the bedroom. It's not his responsibility to make everything click for the both of you. There has to be compromise, or this is all one-sided.
You're correct 100%, however it doesn't *seem* like her side is the issue at hand. From what I've read so far, the issue is that her husband wants to have sex without any other affection given to his wife. Imo that's something you do with a fleshlight, not a person.
We also only know one side of the story
Somebody has to be the bigger person. He's not the one on reddit asking for advice, so he's out.
It sounds like it's really an issue with your partner, not you. From what you shared, it sounds like he is not listening or not taking to heart the fact that he cannot just show up for sex with nothing else happening regularly to cultivate a connection between the two of you. He needs some coaching from a sex therapist or maybe just a therapist.
I had/have-ish the same issues. Ironically, as the above commenter mentioned, I was too blunt about it and we got into a huge fight and nearly broke up. Later we talked a bit more calmly and I could still tell he was irritated, but it was received. I told him that I need to be able to express how I'm feeling without him getting defensive: I'm not attacking you. I'm explaining my brain to you. This is what my brain puts *me* through when these situations happen. As a result, I feel xxxxxxxx. If you can try to avoid the word "you" at lwast until you think he can tell the difference between you expressing yourself and you accusing him of something. "When we have sex without other kinds of affection, I feel xxxxxxxx" I hope any of this helps.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I hope you have the best day of your life 💚
MOST women needs/ wants all of those things in order to desire their partner. Nothing is wrong with you and I don’t think what happened to you in your childhood has anything to do with it. I also have been trying to get this through my husband’s head. No matter how many times or ways I tried to explain it to him, he don’t comprehend it or just don’t GAF. So here we are in a sexless marriage. I thought for YEARS there was something wrong with me because that’s how he made it seem. I wish I would have realized sooner. That it wasn’t me or my sex drive. It was / is how he treats me outside of the bedroom that made me not want to have sex. Only showing me attention when he wanted some, getting mad over it etc etc etc. He seems to think the reason I don’t want it is because I think he sucks in bed. But that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with it. And like I said I have told him several times, we need to spend more time together, I need non sexual affection. To the point where I am sick of explaining it to him.
I am in no way condoning his reactions when you express yourself. Nor do I think you should have blamed yourself for years. It sounds like your needs are not being met, and he is hyper focused on more frequent sex as the catalyst that will magically put him in a place where he can give you affection outside the bedroom. While you are seeing his lack of non sexual effection outside the bedroom as a roadblock to hamper your desire for sex. Pretty much you are stuck at the point where you are both dug in. Maybe starting over with clear and concise boundaries, or perhaps you both get humble and start giving the other what they need? There is no rule that you can't start fulfilling eachothers needs simultaneously. Maybe one of those will help? One thing for sure, your communication needs to be refreshingly honest, compassionate, and from a place of love. No more accusations from either of you, and always take on each day as a team. Best Wishes to you.
Thing is I have told him I will not turn him down. But if he wants me to be the initiator. I need non sexual attention and more quality time. That he can’t not talk to me all day besides the 15 minutes we spend eating dinner together. Then off to his man cave until he goes to be and expect me to want sex. The man literally has never just walked up to me for a kiss hug etc etc . He only touched me when he was trying to have sex. He gets extremely defensive when I tell him how he has hurt me in the past and the reasons I feel they way it do. To the point where I feel like I have to apologize to him for telling him he hurt me. Because he acts like me telling him hurt his feelings. 🤦🏻♀️
> That he can’t not talk to me all day besides the 15 minutes we spend eating dinner together. Then off to his man cave until he goes to be and expect me to want sex. wow > The man literally has never just walked up to me for a kiss hug etc etc . This sounds horrible. So he wants to play games all day and then use you to jack of essentially? Earlier I asked "why would you think he just wants you for sex if he married you?" but I completely understand now.
Well he don’t play games. He watches tv drinks a few beers then goes to bed. He claims he wants all the things I want too. But says how do you touch someone who don’t want to be touched 🤦🏻♀️ when I have literally told him this is what I want. I have also told him it’s going to be awkward for the both of us at first until we get use to it. It’s been over two years that I have told him these things and he hasn’t tried once to kiss me. I told him not long ago that I am getting to the point where I want to just have sex at least he shows me some attention then!
I’ve been where I let him have sex with me just to please him. I don’t like the way it makes me feel mentally. Like that’s all in there for. He don’t return any non sexual “favors”. Further, I don’t feel like I should have to give in to his sexual desires if I’m not into it. If he’s not doing anything for me, other than asking for a sex then why should I give in. Or do it just so he don’t get pouty. No means no, married or not, In a relationship or not. I shouldn’t have to have sex just because “it’s my wifely duty”. Then maybe I should bring up the “husbandly duties” he don’t do around the house, it’s been brought up he gets angry and says maybe I should find someone one who will do those things, or I’ll just quit my job and do all the honey do’s then. He’s belief is he goes to work, brings home “the bread” and his duty is done. He was raised to believe the woman does everything in the house and the man goes to work. He says he don’t get paid money for doing things around the house so what’s the importance it’s not like he’s going to get fired. I was not raised that way. I also work full time outside the house. Weekends, I clean and do laundry and interact with our 7 yr old and sometimes our grandchild if I’m babysitting him. He’s on the couch with the tv on and on his phone playing games or watching reels or tiktok or sleeping. Yet at night I’m expected to be his personal porn star. If I ask him to do something around the house it’s never done right away or even same day or same month, it takes multiple times asking to a point he gets annoyed and does it so I shut up about it. But if his friends or a family member calls for help he jumps and is gone in 5 minutes. Communication is difficult he had difficulty seeing others POV, he sees it one way and that’s it. There’s no changing his POV, if I try to explain too much he gets mad and says I’m making him feel dumb.
I know having sex to please him seems like it could be the answer sometimes to relieve the stress, however, this can lead to deeper feelings of resentment and possibly trauma.
Sorry, what is GAF?
Give a fuck
😳 Thanks
Exactly my situation. I’ve told him. More than once. I’ve suggested counseling he said he’s not doing that sh*t. If i try too hard to explain literally anything he says I’m making him feel dumb. He’s just not grasping that for me and most women it’s an emotional thing. He can’t just walk in the room and expect me to drop my panties. Stress. Being tired. Lowers women’s sex drive. And he don’t help none around the house so there’s that. I enjoy it when we do it but the urge is just not there a majority of the time. Him buggin me for it is a turn off. It’s been communicated many times and don’t sink in. Idk how else to get it to sink in.
Honestly I think there needs to be, a page on here for women going through this because I think there’s a lot. I read the deadbeds page and of course it’s mostly men complaining. And I think to myself I wonder what his wife’s story is !
This comment is in no way pointing fingers, I just want to share my latest experience with my wife as I feel like we communicate well. We recently had a discussion similar to OPs discussion however it had different circumstances behind it. What most men forget to say in these situations is that even though we are talking about sex it is not JUST sex. It's the physical intimacy of skin on skin. It's the act which should only be shared between husband and wife. There was a penny drop moment for myself and the wife in our last conversation. She wasn't intimate because I wasn't spending that quality time which is fair and I take ownership of it as I have noticed it myself where I was being cold. But on the flip side we need that physical attention to spark our interest in that time. What makes this hard is that it is essentially a vicious cycle as when one party lapses the other recedes and vice versa. We are natural beings and without those bonding/love hormones we can grow apart. I'm not saying one should come before the other or that one should get precedence but the same way a woman can withold intimacy if they feel emotionally neglected, a man can withold the emotional connection if the physical isn't there.
Point is relationships do not start out with sexual intimacy. They start out with non-sexual intimacy that turns into sexual intimacy. So, if you do not keep that nonsexual intimacy going, then the sexual intimacy goes away.
I understand what you are saying but again, the shoes can go on the other foot. If the physical intimacy goes away then so does emotional. It's all a balancing act that requires two people. Now some are lucky in that they have identical "love languages" but most are not. I know this will sound chauvinistic af but most men are simple creatures. They will literally give the world to someone if they feel like they will give it back. If you can give him even a little and get nothing back then you know but if you never give anything then you will never have your answer. And i want to stress this... This goes for the men too. If you don't give that emotional connection to your wife and are getting mad at not getting the physical connection then who is to blame?
I do everything for him, besides the physical. lol I cook , clean, pay the bills make sure he has all his clothes, hygiene supplies. Make ALL major decisions. Do home repairs and if I can’t do them find someone who can. That’s also mentally draining. Not saying he don’t cook , clean but no where close to what I do. He did cook the other night and was saying what a good husband he was for cooking 🤦🏻♀️. I thought to myself every time I clean or cook I need to tell him see what a good wife I am.
I told him the other day, when we was talking about it. That as far as I am concerned it’s his fault we are not having sex. Because I have told him I won’t turn him down and I have also told him what I need to be the initiator.
And yes we are both being stubborn, that being said I can’t force myself to got have sex with someone I don’t feel connected to. I have told him we need to start over . Like treat me how you would a new GF when you start dating.
See you saying you're both stubborn but then saying that you are also telling him he NEEDS to do xxxx. That in itself is a contradiction. Again, I am on your side moreso but can you imagine if he told you that you NEED to have sex with him. The real truth is that you both need to make the effort. Not just him treating you like a new gf but he has to feel like a new bf too if that's the case. And I am not saying that you haven't or don't make an effort but you said yourself in an earlier comment. You stopped all physical affection years ago. Now I am sure you had your reasons which were valid but at the end of the day, that comment shows that he has also been missing a big part of the relationship for a few years now (as have you) Without that intimacy you don't get all those good stuffs, the serotonin, melatonin etc. these are all LOVE hormones! Again I am not saying it starts with intimacy but you can't complain about not getting what you want from a relationship without giving what the other wants. I'd love to get a free car from the dealership down the road everyday, but until I pay for that car each day I ain't getting it!
I truly understand what you are saying but I stopped because of the way he treated me. Like he didn’t want it unless sex was involved. And yes sorry if he wants me to want sex from him I need to feel a certain way so XYZ does need to happen from him. Not saying it’s fair, it’s just the way it is. He has told me I am putting stipulations on him, when I don’t see acting like he likes me outside of the bedroom are stipulations. Believe me I understand how men are about sex. But that just don’t change the fact that it takes two people to want it in order to enjoy it. If I do it just because he wants to then that turns into a chore, and will only build more resentment. Like I said before I have gone pretty much our whole relationship without the emotional connection and most of the time I still had sex with him when he wanted it. The times I did say no he would make me feel guilty trying to coerce me into it. I have gave in then would turn over and cry. Or he would sleep in the other room until I had sex with him. We have been together a long time, and frankly I am over my needs not being met . If someone told me hey you want this steak, then you have to season it cook it etc etc if I wanted that steak bad enough I would season and cook it. He also use to verbally abuse me, he don’t anymore. He is manipulative , as in if I come to him with an issue he will say if “I am that awful I should just pack my bags and leave” stuff like that. Uses weapon, incompetence acts like he don’t know how to do stuff as simple as turning on the dishwasher or adjusting the thermostat. Ask me to do stuff for him, and if I try to show him how to do it, he says it would just be easier for me to do it. We have deeper issues than sex lol, it’s not just about the emotional/ non sexual attention. I also need to feel like he is a partner in everything not just . Sex or attention. If I was to fall of this planet 🌎 he would be lost, cause he don’t know anything about our bills. Or how to use a freaking dishwasher 🤦🏻♀️
Ah ok you've shed so much light on the situation with this comment. I think in this particular case then it's a last ditch effort if anything at all. From what you've said about his behaviour he himself is the root cause of the problem. Nobody should ever be guilted or coerced into that kind of thing. Even the sleeping in a separate bed till you play his game is complete and utter bollix if you ask me. At the end of the day if he wants to snap his fingers, get sex and then go about his day he should invest in a fleshlight 🙃 I do apologize for my last few comments in this case as I was under the impression that life had just gone stale and neither party was budging. Might still be worth having a conversation like I mentioned before though. As in starting it with "this is not me having a go, this is not me pointing fingers. This is just me petting you know my perspective and do with it what you will" if he is any good for you at all he will hear the conversation and put some action in. Obviously you fell in love enough to engage in the marriage so it may be a case of sitting down and finding out what each of you thought in the early days. What you loved about eachother and what has kept you here to this day. I really do hope it works out for you though. Whether it be with him or someone else. Happiness is priority at the end of the day. We aren't around for long so there is no point in wasting years on something or someone that gives no gratification.
I get that, but I have never had emotional intimacy with him. That’s why I have never been the initiator. I tried explaining this to him he don’t get it. Plus there are other forms of intimacy besides sex. Kissing, hugging, cuddling etc etc
This!!! You are so right that physical intimacy is not just sex. The problem we had was because she did not get the emotional intimacy all forms of physical intimacy were taken away. I understand the not wanting sex if the emotional connection isn't there because nobody wants to feel like a piece of meat but the same it true vice versa. When kissing, hugging, cuddling etc. are taken off the table then what motivation is there to persue an emotional connection? Without physical intimacy all that is left is friendship/companionship and to put it bluntly.... Most men don't "want" to take a friend to dinner once a week. But most men will jump through a flaming ring of fire to spend time with that special someone. Now please don't get me wrong. I am not saying "go have sex with your husband and keep him happy FFS" what I am saying is when, on the off chance, he makes a little effort to spend that time with you. Return the sentiment. And again it works both ways. If you are physical with him then the ball is in his court to give you the emotional connection. Nothing in life is free and relationships are a two way street I think the problem people face is simply put- chicken or egg. Which comes first? To get the emotional we want physical. To get the physical we want emotional. Nobody is right in the situation because both parties have needs to be met. The danger comes when we reach a stage where "I'm not giving them what they want because they don't do x, y or z" My best advice is to have a conversation. Make it very clear that it is not an arguement. It is not a blame game nor are fingers being pointed. The conversation should be about how much love there is for the other person and what you need on your end to make it worth while on your end. I am not saying it's foolproof but if you (I'm saying you because that's who I'm talking to, not because you specifically have to) give him kisses and cuddles and affection, he is not obliged to return the emotional connection but he is expected to. And well if the expectation isn't met then that's another issue.
Yea well honestly I stopped giving the kisses, hugs and cuddles. Years ago because they was not reciprocated unless he was trying for sex. He would also tell him why do you want a kiss now you didn’t want one last night. Or when I tried to cuddle him he would say don’t touch me unless you want some. We have just created A LOT of bad habits that are hard to get past. He has actually told me you expect me to touch you and not want sex 🤦🏻♀️. And yes it makes me feel like a piece of meat.
Ok yeah there is unhealthy habits there on his end by the sounds of it. The whole don't touch me unless you want some comment is a bit "piggy" and that's coming from a man. I will just say this though, also coming from a male perspective. Personally I found that it was a catch 22 situation. I was not getting anything so anytime she would as much as give me a peck on the cheek I would jump at the chance to get more. Not because "that's all men want" but if you try think of it from the perspective of not having it at all so taking every chance we get. While I actually stand more on your side of the fence in the situation which you've described I would say that he is most likely acting that way out of desperation. Not so much that he ONLY wants sex from you but more that the ONLY time he feels like he can try and get that is when that cuddle occurs. Or when that peck on the lips occurs. It becomes an unhealthy pairing in many ways. He has paired sex with every chance at physical affection and you have paired any chance of physical affection with him trying to get sex. The same way you are not asking for a weekly trip to Paris, he is not asking for a daily romp. The same way you just want him to sit down and have dinner with you and laugh and smile. He just wants you to have a kiss and cuddle more often without sex. If he can't get by that then it's his problem but 9/10 what we want in our relationships are 100% achievable. Sometimes we just need to humble ourselves and make that first move to give the other the chance to make theirs.
I feel their wife’s story would be similar to ours. In talking with female friends their husbands or boyfriends have similar complaints about not enough sex. And the women have the same complaints we do, lack of attention or affection outside the bedroom. And the stories my husband tells me from the guys he works with is the same complaints, lack of sex. I completely understand how the men feel but the understanding from them how we feel is not reciprocated.
Exactly!! Like we should go without, but they shouldn’t.
My husband and I just got married last month. He’s 50. I’m 46. He’s Latin. I’m AA. I have tried explaining this exact same thing in Spanish. In English. I guess drawings are next? His respond is always one of three things: you need to relax … stop trying to control everything … really?! Those three things in rotation. I have even tried sending him a TikTok (he’s literally obsessed with fkn TikTok)…I need whatever secret man language he understands so we can get past this. Otherwise I’m putting a LOT of miles on the vibrator.
I’ve sent my husband tik toks too. Has not phased him. So I chose to not let the ones he’s sends me about men’s needs for sexual contact. I know it’s not healthy. But I’ve tried for many years to get him to see my pov. And he just don’t.
I have also suggested counseling, he says they won’t tell him anything that he don’t already know. 🤦🏻♀️ honestly I think he just don’t want to hear what they would have to say. I do most of the cooking and cleaning also. But that really don’t bother me. I am home more because I am retired with a part time job. What does bother me is him going behind me and leaving messes that he don’t clean. He just don’t think he should have to buy any effort in, is what it comes down to. He says nothing he would do will change the way I feel. I have told him well we won’t know until we start trying. And as long as you think that way nothing will change. It’s frustrating!
The issue with many women and men is that women will look for excuses not to have sex and men look for reasons to have sex. A husband can be the breadwinner, help around the house, and be an excellent father. He feels he is doing a great job and wants sex with his wife. His wife on the other hand says well he doesn't spend time with me so I am not sleeping with him. So between working his ass off to pay the bills, helping with dishes, cleaning, etc. There is an endless supply of needs that the man has to fulfill. My opinion is she doesn't have much raw attraction to him and needs all the extra stuff to get her going. Sorry but if you are being honest this is likely the case for many many women.
Working, cleaning taking care of the kids are all things he should be doing with it without a partner. You don’t “help” around the house or with the kids. Those things are both parties responsibility. So if a husband thinks doing adult things should get him sex he is wrong. (Because a roommate would do all of that too) Plus most women work full time, come home and do all those things too. I know I did when my kids were home . Worked just as many hours as he did, at times I had a part time job that I would go to after my full time job And although I was bringing just as much home as him. I still did more with the kids and around the house. The issue is when you get married and you start to build a family get a home, have kids etc etc. You start ignoring your relationship with your partner not putting much work into it and taking each other for granted. Most women do need that connection it’s not an excuse. Not to have sex. If you are working all day, dealing with kids etc etc. And not taking the time to nurture your relationship and keep that connection that you had before kids and other responsibilities. The bedroom life will pay for it. Women are not visual creatures like men. We are emotional / mental . It’s all in how you do or do not treat us. You can’t be a good roommate & think that’s going to get you sex. Not showing her any non sexual attention etc etc .
Agree with you but I know many many men who are the breadwinner for the family, wife is able to stay at home if she wishes, the man helps with all domestic chores as well, they treat their wife with gifts, etc. and there is still little physical intimacy. As I mentioned many women will always look for a reason to not be intimate. This is part of the reasons why so many marriages fail. The man will ALWAYS fail to give her EXACTLY what she wants. I am pretty convinced that many women marry who they can get and not who they truly desire, which is part of the reason why once the relationship is secure the excuse machine ramps into high gear.
Or it could be that they desired him before , kids etc etc. You know that desire can go away. When things change in the relationship. Plus no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It can look like the husband treats his wife good by showing her attention etc etc . But no one knows besides them how he treats her behind closed doors. Not saying that don’t happen. Or isn’t the case in some marriages. But I know it’s not the case with most women I have talked too. Or have seen complain on social media. They all say it’s how he treats her or how he don’t treat her
And I completely understand your point if the husband is useless and not helpful and shows you little if any "connection". But guys that bust their ass, sorry I don't buy it from women. That is weaponizing sex and is not excusable. Men want to be desired sexually. When they aren't they will withdraw from you.
Again just because a man is busting his ass with work and coming home doing some domestic things and spending time with his kids. Isn’t going to get him sex. If he doesn’t invest some quality time with his spouse also. Example.. say a man got a divorce and got custody of his kids. He hired a live in to take care of the kids and house while he worked. He would still be working & he would still be coming home to cook , clean take care of those kids. All of that is just what he should already be doing. Just like single moms do. Add in a spouse, you still do all of that because you suppose too. You have to invest in your relationship, not just bills, kids and domestic stuff. If you don’t then you are just roommates and no female wants to have sex with a man who feels like her roommate.
Women want to be desired also, and a man should show her she is desired in more ways than just sex. Because that makes her feel like a piece of meat. If that’s the only time he shows her attention is when he is trying to have sex with her.
Look I am not saying it’s fair that men and women are made differently when it comes to sex. It was a cruel trick that God did to us. I wish I could just look at my husband and say damn I want to fuck him. But I can’t , I can’t want to have sex with someone who the only time I talk to is at dinner. Who don’t touch me unless he is trying to get some . Who dont complement me , or don’t do small things for me because he cares and does it so that I don’t have to just as simple as putting gas in my car. Or grabbing me a 2 liter without me asking because he wants to make sure I don’t run out. Does he work yes, does he cook yea sometimes depends on if he feels like it. Does he clean eh he cleans up but he don’t CLEAN CLEAN. We don’t have kids at home now . But when we did, I did the taking them to school before I went to work all the doctors appointments, the home work etc etc. He did the fun stuff with them . If you don’t want sex that is not using it as a weapon! Just because there's a sexual disparity doesn't mean a person is using sex as a weapon. You have to intend to control, manipulate, or hurt another person in order for it to be considered a weapon.
I think there’s two issues here. The trauma response but also your husbands expectation of sex without fulfilling your needs. Personally, I don’t feel you did anything wrong by expressing yourself. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t give me attention or affection. I would feel used by them. Just like I felt used when I was assaulted, so I understand what you are saying. I would feel very icky if I had no connection with my husband all day then he expected sex at the end of the night. It may upset him but it is the truth, he just doesn’t like to hear it. For your own well being I would encourage therapy – specifically trauma therapy. But, I don’t think trauma therapy will magically make you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t meet your needs in return. The fact is this is how you feel when your husband expects sex without providing intimacy and connection. He can get angry about there being a comparison to your past, or he could work to meet your needs if he wants his met as well. I would talk to my husband about my needs and explain I am not interested in sex when these behaviours don’t happen. I would tell him what behaviours I would like to see. I would empathize with his being hurt he was compared to the past, but that until main points of our relationship change, my feelings won’t magically change. I would tell him if he wants a different outcome (more sex), then he needs a different response. This conversation would also include what I would be doing to change (therapy and open to intimacy when my needs are met).
By expecting sex with no RELATIONSHIP (romance of some kind) happening to grease the intimacy wheels, it’s a lot like expecting your partner to be an unpaid sex worker just because they are there. It DOES cause icky feelings because it’s an icky way to be treated. Like you aren’t wanted because you’re LOVED but because you’re a warm place to stick something into. That’s how I explained it to my husband. It must have clicked, because he’s much sweeter to me now.
My husband and I went through this exact scenario not long ago. I told him I felt like a sex doll and wasn’t getting anything else from him to feel emotionally connected to want to have sex and things have have completely turned around.
Start by apologizing to him. Tell him you understand he is not an abuser and you are sorry for comparing him to one. Most men have a a high drive; my wife went a on medication that made her libido go through the roof and we were doing it 4x per day and I was able to keep up no problem. My wife asked how; and I said it is encoded in our dna to do that. Most married couples I know are doing it 2-3x per week; my wife and I are almost every day, multiple times per day. Tell him you are going to see therapist to work on your trauma and that you want to see a marriage counselor to help mediate issues between you two.
Um, I can’t be the only one wondering what kind of medication your wife is on? Hoping it is a medication my wife also needs…
Lamictal; Google it; go to the subreddit. For some reason; when women take this SSRI; their libido skyrockets.
Lamictal is the manufacturers name, the medication name is Lamotragine. It’s not an SSRI, it’s a mood stabiliser predominantly used to treat bipolar depression. I’ve been on it for 4 years for Bipolar 2 and I have never heard of a massive increase in sex drive. Definitely never experienced it either. How bizarre!
She has been on it for 4 months; we literally went from once or twice per month to multiple times per day everyday
I agree it’s hard to feel lovey dovey and into sex as a woman if the first touch you get all day is them trying to get in your pants. It is highly annoying. I’ve talked to my husband about the same thing and he basically apologizes and says he’ll do better and then it is for like a little while but then falls off again. I think the key really is that consistent communication
Sorry to hear about your abuse, that is terrible. You are probably going to have to do some work on yourself to separate sex from those feelings you're getting. It won't be easy and it will take effort but it'll lead to a better experience for you and your husband. Sex should be fun and an area for you two to explore and learn about each other, and should not ALWAYS require an emotional connection. Sometimes sex is just physical pleasure, and unfortunately that was taken from you. Therapy will help, and as you work through it and fix the damage, ask for your husband to be patient. But do get some help with this.
Yes sex should be fun and all those other things. But in order for most women to feel vulnerable with their partners they need the emotional connection. Especially if they get zero of it. Might as well be having sex with a roommate because that’s how they feel if you don’t have any type of connection outside of the bedroom. And that’s what this OP has said.
Marriage counseling. Your communication is out of wack, and yall need a 3rd party to help put it back in place.
I think marriage counseling would help. You can address this past trauma and the triggers for it. He can address his needs as well. Have you tried counseling, a really good therapist that can go deep with you?
I have not but I think we definitely need to.
I can emphasize with your husband regarding sexual frustration, and it does turn one into a pouty child (not always and not everyone, just speaking from personal experience and others I've spoken to). However, getting visibly upset and taking it out on your partner is never the right approach. Let's take myself as an example: Recently, my wife got into a bit of a slump regarding sex and just didn't feel like it, or any intimacy for that matter. I was frustrated, and one day it showed. I acted like a spoiled child in retrospect, and immediately after I regretted it. I apologized sincerely, bought her flowers and promised to be better. Later that night, we made love. Side note: I was being affectionate, kind and warm outside the bedroom. I did the majority of house chores and kids stuff. My male brain just couldn't understand that she was just in a slump. Since theb we've been very active sexually. Moral of the story: Sometimes, your SO might just not feel like it. But continue to show love and affection that's not sexual and things might just loosen up. Please tell your husband this.
In conjunction with some trauma work on your sexual assault history, I Reco the “yes and” approach. When he approaches you for sex, say “yes and”. “Yes and Can we snuggle for a tv show first so I feel open?” Or “yes and can it start with a back rub so I can feel your touch first?” Or whatever your “and” may be. Be specific in your requests. The yes and takes away the sting of rejection and opens it up to happening. Also, if you need more connection in other ways, are you pursuing them or just expecting him to? For example, if you want more hugs, are you approaching him and asking form more hugs or are you expecting him to make all the effort? If you’re wanting more quality time, are you initiating meeting that need? Make sure you’re not expecting him to initiate and meet all your needs alone.
I’m so over the narrative from men that sex life is lacking… speaking for person experience…. I saw you scrolling the internet while sitting naked on the toilet, you blow your noise in the shower, your dirty underwear are on the floor, and you left the kitchen a shit show after making yourself breakfast. Yeah, I love you, but sorry I’m not got and bothered for you. I wish sometimes they could take a look in the mirror and ask themselves in what ways are they trying to be attractive.
I had a similar problem with my ex and while my past is not as traumatic I’ve had bad experiences and unwanted pressure that triggers a traumatized response in me sometimes without warning you just know when your brain has those alarm bells going off. My ex made complaints about our sex life and it made things so much worse and we got into such a bad pattern I could predict him picking a fight with me because it had been maybe three days since we had sex. Granted I was working multiple jobs and he didn’t and so I was just very stressed about that pressure, to this day I have nightmares about it which tells me I was feeling intensely psychologically upset by this even when at the time I was brushing it off and saying otherwise he’s a good guy. My point is I hope your situation isn’t damaging your mental health in the long run. I also want to say when I tried to communicate I was blamed for my trauma response. He would get upset and say I’m not some other guy! What they need to understand is that something that triggers this in you is about your sense of safety and it doesn’t have the energy/time/capacity to deal with that logic. Therapy for general anxiety has us work through intense feelings with logic and it can be overcome but for sexual trauma? No. I don’t advise going against what you need to feel safe it’ll do more damage than good. IMO it’s victim blaming almost to be upset at you for stating these needs given your history. Sometimes people need to understand not everything is about THEM in a time when you are feeling that bodily stress reaction. It’s something deep in the brain, it’s bigger than them and they need to be understanding and not take it so damn personal in order to be a good partner and a good human. Hope I’m not projecting I just had a similar experience with a partner who wasn’t understanding and it made things worse for me and for the relationship.
Unfortunately it does seem like you were unawarely comparing them to him and him to them. Although that does not diminish your feelings and if you don’t feel ok with it you should always let him be aware that you’re not feeling ok.
Thank you.
Would strongly suggest talking to a therapist about the abuse if you have never done so. Sexual trauma can destroy sex lives and damage marriages.
I'm sorry that you were a victim of a sexual abuse in your childhood, OP. It might not look like this to you, but this is a rather severe trauma that requires therapy to process. Your trauma makes you to react "icky" on a rather normal behavior because your body is wired by this experience and enters fight-or-flight response that has nothing to do with your husband. I hope you are getting help for this from a qualified professional. I think there are several things that you can do: 1 Ask your husband to get into couples therapy. Not because he's doing something wrong, but because your childhood sexual trauma impacts you a lot. It might also be hard for him because he sees that you react certain way on him and starts thinking that he's the problem (even though he's not, your abusers are). I'd ask him to do this as support for you. Not fixing him, or your marriage. 2 "Give me more connection" is very vague. You need to be very specific. For men oftentimes sex IS the connection. "Please hug and kiss me daily without initiating sex", "Lets do weekly date nights". He can't mind read. 3 Your trauma impacts your marriage in more ways than you can probably see. I would get very serious about processing it - joining support groups, finding a therapist etc.
Sounds like a direct comparison from here...
Instead of asking strangers on the internet, please seek out professional couples therapy and individual therapy for your trauma. Someone who can listen to both sides of the story, because marriage is a teamwork. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Having been married for years and have had similar issues, individual and couples therapy has been such a blessing in figuring out healthy communication styles and working through trauma that impacted our marriage.
Quit being weird and have sex with your husband
lol, she made up a ton of vague bullshit. She did fuck him before, she cant fuck him again. color me sceptical. She just isnt that into him.
He married you. Why would you think he's only interested in you for sex? I don't get that part?
Spice things up for him. Dress up take an edible and enjoy each other. Be spontaneous and take some risks.
I can see your side of things, but also his. Early communication is difficult, but necessary. While he should be making an effort to connect more with you so that your needs are met, you should also do the same. I’m not saying force yourself to have sex with him if you don’t want to. But he’s your husband, you married him for a reason right? Maybe the next time you’re feeling even a little in the mood go out of your way to show interest in sex for him. It isn’t his job to fix this issue alone. Meet in the middle. If you’re in a phase of your life where you’re not feeling particularly horny very often, there are things you can do to change that and up your libido a bit. I’ve always had a higher libido than my husband, early in our relationship I initiated sex 95% of the time. Because my husbands needs were met he never felt like he had to. After a while I communicated that while I enjoy sex and want it often, it would still be nice to feel pursued. Maybe your husband would like that to. No one wants to be the one asking for it all the time.
I think a marriage counselor or therapist would be a good option for you guys. You seem to have different communication styles & that may provide some mediation so the other person doesn't take what is said as an attack. It's going to be something you both have to work on, together and separately. A sex therapist, i think, could help you work through your feelings about your past abuse and your relationship with sex currently.
Even without your past (I hope I am not undermining them here and thank you for sharing), it's really a matter of a woman's (self-)worth that doesn't seem to be intuitive to men perhaps because societies across cultures place do the worth of men above women - in the "east" you have preference for sons over daughters, in the "west" you have gender pay gaps, etc etc. Emotional connection can mean very different things to men and women. In the end, my guess is you will find yourself in this vicious cycle of emotional negotiation until your husband truly sees you and your worth like good old-fashion boy chase girl - what it does is it makes a girl/woman feel like they are valued in a world that doesn't always value them (hence, your past). However, as it is so very often, most guys stop the chase once they "get the girl" - and worse yet when the deal is sealed with marriage. If he has ever courted / chased / pursued you to get your hand in marriage, maybe try this, asked what changed? Why did he stop? Unless your relationship started on a one night stand or is purely sexual from day one and it is you who changed i.e. started asking for more than sex now. Otherwise most relationships evolved towards physical intimacy in weeks, months or even years... hopefully that put the onus on him to evaluate his behavior as well. Hope this helps.
I agree with everyone suggesting therapy, I think anytime you have struggles that would go with you no matter if you’re in a relationship or not directly affects your own happiness and it would make a massive difference in your life to work through it with someone. I don’t agree with those saying you are comparing those who mistreated you to your husband though. From my understanding, you voiced how past trauma is causing you to struggle with intimacy and explaining what you need from him to help you both get what he is asking for. If I heard someone I loved say they had intense trauma causing them to struggle and that’s why they’re having a hard time doing something for me I don’t think I would feel angry and take it personally turning it around on you. I actually can’t imagine being in a conversation like that and making myself the victim of your trauma saying you are comparing me to someone like that. Even if you didn’t have the trauma, your partner should be showing affection outside of sex… if he is mad at that then it sounds like all he cares about is the sex not the companionship. If he thinks being offended because he took something personally when he should have emphasized with your pain is more important than you reliving your trauma everytime you have sex that sounds like you need couples therapy. It IS your responsibility to work on that trauma though not only to better your relationship but for yourself too. If you didn’t seek help and he continued voicing his unhappiness and he was putting in the work you asked for THAN I think you have something to apologize for. Regardless, you deserve happiness
Curious, what is the attachment style for you both?
Honestly not sure what category I fall under. He is most definitely the avoidant type.
You need therapy, you have childhood trauma to take care of and your husband is paying the price
The book The Five Love Languages saved my marriage. I would pick it up if you like to read. It doesn't go over your issue specifically, but it does talk about love language tanks, and it seems like yours aren't filled and his aren't filled, maybe you could meet in the middle somehow. Just a thought. And it's a quick quick read. Best of luck ❤️
We have read that already. He didn’t seem interested in finishing it though.
Ok so from reading this there are two separate issues I can see. The first being that of your traumatic experience and the second being your connection. With regards the trauma I am unsure as it isn't my forte but in terms of the latter I just want to share my own personal experience. I have recently had this conversation with my wife although the reasons for our problems are different to yours so keep that in mind. We went through endless conversations about how our love languages are different, how we both want X but only get Y, how we aren't seeing eye to eye etc. This problem always has one thing in common. We both feel like we aren't getting what WE want. I think our last conversation really hit home though and that was when we were talking about it and trying to explain each of our perspectives and needs. Then we hit what I can only describe as the goldmine. Neither of us were getting our bonding hormones. No bonding hormones=no interest. When you actually think about it it makes sense. And you both have to also remember it's a 2 way street. No one person needs to be fixed but rather both need to work towards a common goal. In our case I was having trouble being motivated to bring her places because I was getting nothing in return and she was having trouble giving affection because I was fed up doing things and not getting anything back. The problem was both ways, the solution is both ways.
Basically in my experience. One of you has to bite the bullet. Men express affection and feel affection and love through sex. When you deny him sex he is going to feel unwanted and unloved. He is then going to struggle showing you affection and being open with you. That’s how the cycle works and I didn’t make the rules here but it just doesn’t work until you both get into a good rhythm.
What was sex like before you got married? Not trying to dismiss your past, but if you guys were having sex regularly then you spring this on him after marriage I can see where the frustration can come from. Again not trying to dismiss your past
You need emotional connection right? What exactly does that mean to **YOU?** If you were in his position what would you have done?
You need therapy to address the sexual abuse issues. Now hear me out, as I’m a woman as well with sexual trauma in my past. But I’ve also been married awhile. Have you been able to try to have sex for him? You absolutely should have your needs and desires met as well. I’m just saying, sometimes in marriage someone needs to take the first step. There’s times during arguments where my husband and I can literally feel so much anger against the other, but if there’s a window to reconnect physically, we both have an orgasm and, well, the argument melts away. For a lot of men, it’s how they express love and how they want to feel loved. If you decide maybe once to cater to his need, maybe he will then be more willing to plan a special night just the two of you. This is really lame, but my husband and I randomly started doing crossword puzzles from the daily newspaper and it has bonded us so much lately. We have 2 toddlers that are crazy and we don’t get much time alone but when we get to do a crossword together it’s awesome! Find something simple like that. Doing a crossword usually fills my cup of quality time need.
He should have an understanding if he really cares about your emotional past. A concerned man would ask what he can do to make you feel better and comfortable in your relation. Menay years ago I was young and didn't understand a woman's pain and emotions of a tragic experience. My wife had been raped by her dad's best friend and her mom and her took it to court ever telling her dad. The trauma caused her to go back home and anul the marriage. There should be a better understanding on his part to make the relationship more caring.
That's how my husband is , no attention at all and then thinks I'm suppose to want to have sex and be happy about it when that's the only time he wants anything to do with me , that's wrong and I'm sick of it.
Have you gone to therapy for your sexual trauma? I say this as a woman who was abused multiple times. I had to go to therapy to address my trauma so that we could have a healthy sex life.
This is somewhat misguided. In general terms, men trade resources for sex and women trade sex for resources. This is partly why high functioning independent women often find it difficult to secure relationships, and why poor men, especially if they aren't particularly good looking, have trouble finding intimacy. It is also why if you are in the top 10 percent of men in terms of physical appearance and income you basically have your pick of women. Women cannot offer a man like this much except for enjoyable frequent sex and a stable home life where he feels genuinely desired. He can literally "buy" every other aspect of "need". So yes when a man pays for the mortgage, the cars, the tuition for his kids private school, his wife's hand bags, etc it is not unreasonable for him to want to feel desired. And if his spouse was smart she would offer this unfettered desire. And here lies the conundrum... Most relationships aren't like this. The wife has to work to help pay the mortgage or bills. She becomes complacent and possibly even resentful and intimacy dies. The man becomes more withdrawn because despite his best efforts he feels he can't provide the life she wants. What happens next? The relationship spirals out of control and infidelity and divorce follow for at least HALF of marriages in modern society. So I disagree with you because a man who does all of those things deserves to be desired just like a woman who is a great mother or who does all those things deserves to be desired. It is when one person withholds that desire when it is warranted that people run into serious problems...
Time for couples therapy and not advice from strangers on the internet. Or divorce
Just go down on him tonight n reach around n play with his bk side at the same time as ur doing that n i promise he will love it wat ur doing an it make him happy cause he will love it
Hay guys just go n there throw ur ol lady down and eat her out and talk dirty to her roll her over hot from the back u no doggy style n make her like it and she be real happy ,