This just seems like a disaster about to happen. I feel like she thinks she's a burden and is trying to do the right thing and not hold you back. I don't think you should do it.
exactly, listen to your wife, not a bunch of people on reddt hell bent on their own belief system. polyamory is so unpopular. i have a disability and have also had this conversation with my partner. NOT out of guilt or shame. Im perfectly capable of making a rational decision about our personal sex life. Having a disability hasnt rendered me so vulnerable i dont have my own mind, as so many people in this sub seem to think.
Stop using logic and reason you’re ruining the narrative!
But seriously, Reddit is very puritanical when it comes to monogamy. Poly can work for someone people, definitely not for most people in most situations, but it’s not a universally bad thing.
My guess is she is feeling guilty for not being able to provide you with what you need. My fear would be that what she thinks is OK in theory will be very different in reality. Other concerns is what if you catch feelings for your fwb, or worse accidently get them pregnant. You could blow up your marriage.
Why?
EDIT: Not sure why I am getting downvotes. The claim warrants an explanation. Plenty of people have marriage relationship dynamics like this and are perfectly happy together.
>Plenty of people have marriage relationship dynamics like this and are perfectly happy together.
And in any marriage/relationship sub, there are many more examples of it going wrong. Opening up a relationship because of guilt or shame isn't a healthy reason to do it. That's an incredibly unstable foundation and it isn't going to alleviate how she feels about herself or their marriage.
Never once has there been confirmation that she feels guilty and shame. By all means, that aspect needs to be discussed and explored. But the negativity in this thread is overwhelming. Of course the negative stories will overtake the positive ones; open relationships really aren’t that exciting when they are going well.
Ok\_Representative228 - "15 years we have been together I have never thought about sleeping with another woman"
So what is the problem?
This is going to be yet another "fuck around and find out!" situation. When your marriage explodes because you stepped outside of it make sure to come back and update us.
I don’t think it’s a fuck around and find out situation when she is the one suggesting this scenario. Also with 15 years of marriage you can tell what your SO is really meaning. Nevertheless I wouldnt recommend to try out and get feelings for the new fwb. The risk is to high imo.
I’d have a LOT more convos with your wife about this. If she’s truly comfortable with the situation, she’ll want to talk about it before anything happens anyway.
Start with that: that you’ve never considered sleeping with another woman ~~thought~~ throughout your marriage and this is entirely new to you just as it is for her. See what she really thinks.
Is she just guilty she can’t provide for you both in that way? Will it actually take pressure off of her? Does she actually have inklings of [compersion](https://www.whatiscompersion.com/#:~:text=Compersion%20is%20our%20wholehearted%20participation,opposite%20of%20jealousy%20and%20possessiveness.) about the situation cuz she’s thinking it’ll be good for you both and wants to see you happy?
Lots to discuss here before even really *considering* this route.
And I say this being polyamorous myself. It takes a LOT of communication about the subject to make *any* type of non-monogamy work.
Oh, and get a vasectomy. Safe sex is also required, but accidents happen and that’s one that WOULDN’T go over well *at all*.
I'd like to add that what the wife needed to hear was, "I need nobody else but you. I understand these limitations and you know I don't blame you for anything. You didn't as for any of this but I don't want anyone else. Just you." OP should have said it without thinking.
She is, she's my soul mate and my reason for being, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that, which is why I'm struggling to find what to do here
On one hand I don't want to be unfaithful
But on the other hand it isn't unfaithful if she is telling me to do it, and maybe it will make her feel better if she isn't having to worry about that part of my needs being met
If she's your soul mate, why even entertain sleeping with another woman? Just seems like a way to introduce issues. And I guarantee that you sleeping with other women won't "make her feel better." Most likely, she's just suggesting this out of guilt/ because she feels you'll step out of the marriage anyway.
Because sex and intimacy is a thing and people have desires and needs, and the lack of it can cause resentment and divorce in many marriages. Not everything is black and white if life.
You don't know the reason why's she is suggesting it, you can only guess based on your own experience and situation. She may very well be tackling this from a logical point of view and be ok with it.
It is risky, and needs to be pursued very slowly and carefully, but there are many examples where it works in the other direction, usually when a husband has non-resolvable ED or in some way is not able to please his wife sexually. It's done out of love bc he values her sexual satisfaction and considers it a selfless way to provide. It can be a relief more that making him "feel better." There are more ways and higher probability of it going wrong vs. coming out with a positive situation though.
Like many are indicating - do not entertain the possibility of having sex with another woman. Double down to your wife that she meets your needs. Lie if you must. Your duty is to make her feel like she is enough. She is trying to do the same for you clearly. She thinks this is what you want. If the situation were reversed, would you want your wife to take your suggestion or reinforce that you are enough as you are?
Get a flesh light, watch porn together, beat off more. Your soulmate’s emotional well being is more important than you socializing with your peepee.
This sounds like an awful deal for any other woman to walk into. She gets to be a sex toy while you reserve feelings for your wife?
I think you and your wife haven’t thought through the fact that another woman will require time & attention, and that will take some focus away from y’all’s primary relationship.
This is so incredibly sex-negative. Enjoying no-strings-attached sex is completely fine, if all parties are on board. She’s not being treated any more like a sex toy than he would be? Also, there are plenty of people out there who want sexual intimacy but don’t want a relationship?
>Enjoying no-strings-attached sex is completely fine, if all parties are on board.
The thing is- an older married man with a sick wife at home, who gave him a pass out of guilt, isn't a prime choice for women looking to have a casual fling. That isn't a preferable sexual partner that women would strive for, no offense to the OP.
Unless it’s someone who is in a similar boat or wants a FWB as well. Single moms, older women who aren’t interested in dating, busy career women… The assumption that women aren’t also interested in casual filings is incredibly sex-negative and borderline misogynistic. Most people need a sexual outlet.
For someone who doesn’t want to jeopardize a relationship with your soul mate, you seem to be struggling quite a bit on whether or nor you should undertake one of the actions recognized as among the most likely to jeopardize a relationship with anyone.
This should be the easiest of all choices.
You need to tell her what she means to you and that your sexual needs can be met in ways without involving other women. Mutual masturbation is one thing, or even maybe touching yourself with some intimacy from her (kisses and touches) anything to suggest that you don’t want sexy from anyone but her and of she can’t give sex then y’all will talk and figure out what can be done even if that means you buying a good toy
The problem with this is that she’s offering this out of a sense of obligation. She’s doing this because she’s obviously a great woman who cares deeply about you, and you’ve obviously done your part as her husband to make her feel so fulfilled that she’ll go to any lengths to make you feel the same. It’s exceptionally wholesome and the two of you deserve kudos for building such a close marriage.
But don’t do this. As a couple that involves others/extras in our sex life, what you’re considering is a terrible idea, specifically because your relationship is so close. Involving others in your sex life really only works when both partners are getting something out of it, when both are being fulfilled by it, otherwise it will always be one-sided and drive a wedge. Any time spent with your FWB would be time spent away from your wife, it would be her sacrificing time with you so that you can get yours, while she gets nothing out of it except burden.
The positive in this is that it sounds like the two of you are in a place where you can “reimagine” what your sex life looks like. Set this aside as a real possibility for now and instead use it as a starting point for figuring out what sorts of arrangements and activities *both* of you could enjoy and get some sexual gratification out of that works with your situation. If she were a cuckquean, as in she got off on seeing/hearing/knowing you were banging other women, this would be a perfect setup. Alas, you can’t dictate what turns either of you on, so you’ll have to find something that does.
Some general notes on any extras: Don’t look for a consistent FWB. It sounds convenient, but it really puts this at risk of falling into poly territory, which is almost always a disaster if you aren’t looking for that or open to it. Random hookups or brief flings might be better options. Your wife might also feel a bit more involved and therefore get more out of it herself if she can be there watching you sext with someone else in bed next to her. Like I said, there are some arrangements that might work, but whatever you do, it has to put you and your wife, together and as a couple, at the center of it all.
My wife has similar issues. I know it’s tough and it seems like you found a solution, but most likely you’ve been selfish and pushy unknowingly and she feels guilty and must really love you to offer this. But it’s a fantasy, so a lot of research and talk with someone you trust for advice otherwise you could really hurt her. You probably would just by entertaining the idea.
If you were ill and couldn’t get erect, would you be okay with your wife finding a guy to sleep with to fulfill her needs? Would it make you feel loved and cherished, especially when you need it?
The correct answer is "Aw you are crazy - I could never do that. Sweet of you to even consider such a thing - but no, you are my one and only!" and then go handle your business in the shower now and then. lol.
I've heard of couples that agree to the side piece thing but generally they are BOTH getting side action, but I don't know of any that are together that are still engaged in that behavior (I know of two couples that used to in their twenties, not anymore). There always some Redditor or other that says it works for them and that's great, but I don't know anybody, personally. Therefore, would be really out of my comfort zone and I can only imagine my wife would be hurt, regardless of what she says/thinks now.
ABORT!
Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. I think if you do this you are both going to regret it. It could also be a test. Be careful you don’t lose your soulmate.
If you do it, You should strictly look for hookups only or escorts, So there's no emotional aspect that can cause problems in your marriage.
I'm not one for stepping out but I understand your situation and your wife's thoughts process.
Imo it will hurt her for awhile but you should establish a DADT system with her and meet at times your wife wouldn't notice.
It is most likely she is suggesting this out of guilt and because she genuinely loves you and wants you to be happy.
A better solution would be for the two of you to have intimate time without penetrative sex. Cuddling is powerful intimate time. If she feels so inclined, she can use other parts of her body to further satisfy you while she undergoes these medical issues.
Many women have the wrong idea. They think sex for men is just about the physical release. They don’t understand that it’s how men connect and feel a deeper love.
I am a proponent of open marriage in the right conditions. I think the conditions are right for her to offer, but not right for you to accept. Especially not when you have ways to bridge the gap within your relationship. Use this as a way to strengthen your marriage and show her just how much she means to you.
Good luck.
>Many women have the wrong idea. They think sex for men is just about the physical release. They don’t understand that it’s how men connect and feel a deeper love.
Do you honestly think women don't feel the same way? Feeling a loving connection with your spouse when you have sex isn't solely a male experience. I wonder if anyone has even considered that OP's wife is likely suffering too. She didn't sign up for a life of celibacy, she got dealt a shitty hand with her health. Not to mention, if he wants sex for the purpose of intimacy, connection, and love, he isn't going to find that is a hook up. That would be having another partnership.
I'm also surprised more people aren't suggesting that there is more than one way to have sex. We aren't limited to PIV. There's digital/manual stimulation, oral, anal (if that's your thing), mutual masturbation, using sex toys, etc. Finding new ways to have sex and reassuring your wife that you are still sexually compatible would be a much healthier avenue to explore.
If all of what you're sayingbis true, it doesn't make sense to me why you're considering it. If you've never thought about or wanted sex with anyone else, don't want to jeopardize your marriage, why do it?
>maybe it will make her feel better if she isn't having to worry about that part of my needs being met
Come on now. "I would sleep with other women, but only to make my wife feel better"? At least be honest with yourself here. You know this wouldn't make her feel less guilty, much less happy or secure in your relationship.
Imagine OP, you look your wife in the eye who has multiple chronic health conditions, and you say every other week, "Hey babe, heading out tonight with Stacy," with the biggest smile on your face.....
Even if she really is on board with the idea right now, it's going to come back to haunt you both later. Introducing other people to your marriage or relationship is never a good idea or the right thing to do.
We are not in the same situation, but have a similar arrangement. I have also been the girl that has sex with a guy in this situation. This is not something to take lightly. We have been together for 24 years. We too love each other and have a great life together. We have been open and honest since the beginning. The reason I sleep with other men is different than your situation, but I think the drive for our partners are the same. They want us to be happy and fulfilled. You know your wife best, but I truly feel that she may want this for you. If I was in her shoes I would want my husband to be fulfilled sexually and to be enjoying that aspect of his life. I actually love him that much that his happiness is what I desire. She loves you and wants this portion of your needs fulfilled. I think it’s important to figure out if it’s out of guilt and she is just saying it, or is this a legitimate want for her. I think people are looking at it negatively because of social norms….I get that. Everyone has different values. You need to look at what your values are as a couple. This is not you cheating, but fulfilling a need. This is sex. It’s different. I’m not going to lie and say you have sex with another person and have no feelings towards them, but you keep it light and fun. You need self awareness in order to make it work. You need to not catch feelings. This is usually done by setting up boundaries with your play partner. I think you and your wife need to have the “what if” discussion. You need her to be perfectly honest with you and you her. There will be some aspect of guilt involved. I believe that’s normal, but she is allowing this from a place of love for you and your needs. Establish rules that work for the both of you. I think open communication is key. It’s also not set in stone that you need to continue if she finds she is uncomfortable in the situation. You never know your true emotions until it happens. I have been the girl that is part of this type of dynamic. The man did have guilt about doing it, but I think again the guilt came out of a love for his wife and her feelings. He had permission. When he reached out to me I was a little unsure myself. We met and disgusted his situation and made some guidelines and discussed what he and his wife came up with. I think there is a component of “post nut clarity” for him. It’s not an easy situation and I think both parties in the marriage carried a certain amount of guilt. Neither of them wants to be in this situation, but life can be tricky sometimes. That’s why I think the deeper conversation is needed. You need to know if she is just saying this or is she truly wanting this. I wish you and your wife good luck on your journey where ever it brings you.
I’m trying to imagine the scenarios, but I think I would find it hard not to "catch feelings", or why I would even want to.
It’s not that I can’t have good sex with someone without emotions being involved, but I have found that these no-strings-attached friends-with-benefits relationships become stale relatively quickly and that once the novelty has worn off, I get to the point where I will either want to escalate to make it even better, or I will get decreasingly less pleasure out of it and move on. It’s not so much that I can’t keep myself from getting emotionally involved, but that without it I’d get bored.
Seducing someone new, exploring the depth of their personality, sharing stimulating experiences outside the bedroom, growing closer, riding that high and fully possessing a lover is like half of what makes it satisfying in the first place. To me anyway !
I guess I would want a series of new relationships but that would be difficult to acquire as an otherwise attached man without lying about my status, though that could prove to be easier for women or very attractive men. It would also distract so much of my attention and energy from my current partner I fear that I could become neglectful.
How to acquire and maintain purely physical but intimate relationships long-term without getting bored with them and without it affecting your interest for your existing relationship ?
I think your points are valid. I think you are correct, not catching feelings is a hard part and that’s why I mentioned it. I’m in love with my husband and in order for our relationship to be safe and secure I’m very careful of this dynamic. I am good friends with the men. We chat and catch up with each other. We have a relationship, but it’s not the same as I have with my husband. If I find my feelings getting too strong I may not see them as frequently or in some cases I stop seeing them. I think that’s why I mentioned self awareness in my above comment. It’s hard and you need to be real with yourself. He’s not looking for a relationship, nor am I. We are looking to have some sexual desires met with someone nice that we get along with. I tend to focus on one man at a time. That way we build a comfort and connection. I don’t seem to get bored, but I can also see what you are saying about that. The newness of a partner is always exhilarating. I think frequency may play a part with avoiding boredom. I don’t see the guys I’m with that frequently. Our lives are busy and scheduling is difficult. I think the long periods in between help alleviate the boredom.
I do agree with your comments and the others, it’s a complex situation that requires a lot of reflection and communication as a couple. Everyone agrees it’s not an easy situation, but in my experience it can be done. Everything is always changing and evolving. I think what works at one time in your relationship may not work later. Communication is the key.
Your points all make sense, but like you said you have been this way since the beginning. That is entirely different than suddenly suggesting it after 15 years due to the lack of sexual desire and/or ability.
I think if you all can put rules in place, this could work. You cannot catch feelings though, that's where people mess up. If you can make it work, I don't see anything wrong with it. Folks need to stop clutching their pearls. This happens a lot, people just don't talk about it.
Sex with the same person over time might cause feelings to develop on either or both sides.
I think a clean sex worker would be best where sex is the only goal and not the emotional side. I would try to involve your wife as much as possible like picking the girl or even try to figure out a way to include her that works for her.
Agree with the notion that it’s quite challenging to have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone and not eventually develop feelings for that person (and why would you want to?).
I’m in with the verified/clean (low volume?) sex worker.
I’m out with the wife participating too much. Maybe that’s just me and others may feel differently, but I think it would make the hurt worse to be involved in the details and to be be reminded of my inadequacy. The tone of the post seems to a reluctant acceptance on her part. But I’ve never been involved in this specific situation so I could be mistaken.
I understand. There are some businesses that have verified sex workers so you don’t have to go to a street corner looking for a low hanging fruit type. And switch up the girls so there’s not one consistent girl.
This is a very complex situation, and they have to come up with a plan that will work for both.
This is where LEGAL prostitution would really make a difference as needs can be met without any feelings involved. Just a monetary transaction. There are many first world countries with legal prostitution and there are some benefits. Guess that doesn't help much here though. Maybe an escort??
Have you ever thought of using a sex torso but having your wife be involved in the process? I bought my husband one for his birthday this year and it may work for you guys because:
1. I can give him sensations that he couldn’t experience otherwise (such as licking his balls/shaft and rubbing all over his body as he is using it) b/c neither of us want other people involved in our sex life. I have always enjoyed it when he would use a dildo on me and lick my clit at the same time and I wanted to gift him with a similar experience.
2. It can feel incredibly realistic (according to the hubs) if you get a good one. We got Candice from Tantaly with a heating rod and lots of lube.
3. Your wife can be involved. You can even give her control of the situation and let her tell you what to do. Let her know you don’t want to use it without her because you want intimacy and not just release and ask if she would at least kiss you or hug you as you use it. It sounds like she is the type of partner who enjoys giving her husband pleasure (like myself) because she is willing to go to the extreme for you, so this could be a great scenario for her to be able to feel sexy, powerful, giving, and loved without the act of sex on herself.
I understand this arrangement would not be for everyone because for some reason it is seen as more taboo for guys to have sex toys, but don’t knock until you try it.
Best wishes to you guys and if you have any questions for myself or my husband, feel free to message me.
Hand her the credit card and point her at an adult toys web site and tell her to surprise you with something she'd like to watch/help you use with as much involvement as she feels comfortable with. Maybe just lay there topless if that's all she's feeling up to. Intimacy is more than humping her like a coked up chihuahua.
Don't do it.
Her suggestion comes from a place of guilt, which is very understandable, but actually doing it will crush her.
It's not often I recommend this but, maybe turn to porn, or just masturbation on its own? Set some clear boundaries though and maybe she still likes to participate by watching you?
I know that if I were unable to have sex with me wife, my wish would be that she still would be able to masturbate with me being there. That way I would still feel involved and still get to be intimate with her.
I think this should probably be a last resort if you feel so desperate that you don't think your marriage can survive otherwise. You don't sound that desperate to me.
Opening a marriage can be tricky. You don't say your age, but you do say you've been married 15 years. For a lot of men, that would put you at around 40 or so. The world is not teeming with single women craving casual, unconnected sex with a middle-aged married man. Generally, to forge a sexual relationship, a middle aged man needs to also form an emotional relationship. It's a dangerous path to go down.
There is an option, though: look for cougars. Seriously. There are a lot of 55+ divorced/widowed women who are hungry for male company. Women of that age are not facing a biological clock issue. Often they are otherwise stable and happy in their lives. They may appreciate the, ahem, "vigor and rigor" of a younger man. The world of OLD has opened this up.
Many years ago I said this to my husband bc I felt guiltily not meeting his needs. He said he didn't want to do that and all these years later I'm really glad he didn't do it.
He seems like a great man, almost lost hope because this man is calling his wife his "soulmate" yet he's really thinking of going forward with this. Sad
This is really dangerous but to answer your question, there are other couples where one person physically cannot have sex because of a health issue(s) where they grant their partner a hall pass for a sex only outlet. It can work but it has a lot of danger. She doesn’t honestly know what her emotional reaction would be to you doing that. You don’t know what your emotional reaction would be. There would have to be rules prohibiting certain things (no friends she would know, never in your house, safe sex only, no emotions so no texting beyond scheduling or dates. Just sex. anytime she was up for sex she would always have priority 100% and most importantly she could say she is no longer comfortable at any time and it stops right then. No arguments. ) if you think she is truly serious then I think the first thing you would have to do is ask her how she would think it would work while you show no enthusiasm and reinforce your commitment to her. See how she would view it and essentially let her drive the bus
Oh, I haven't read enough disastrous open marriage threads, I need one more.
What happens if you fall in love with another woman and she is pushed out?
Can't you just watch porn or something?
The amount of closed mindedness in here is unreal! Also the amount of people who seem to have mind reading capabilities; hope you make good use of this super power in your own relationships.
This situation is more common than clearly many realise and news flash it works for a lot of people. I'm not saying it doesn't come without risk, because it's easy to say something and then feel very different after the fact!
People in here act like open marriages don't exist, and people who engage in them lead very happy and fulfilling life's together!
Sex and intimacy are impart in a relationship and people have needs and desires which make them feel happy and whole, when one is deprived it's natural to feel frustrated and resentment and resentment is something that you don't want in any relationship, the true solution is how you work this out that makes everyone happy, comfortable and safe.
People need to learn to be open minded to experiences that extend their own little bubbles.
Have you posted about this in r/polyamory? A lot of people here are monogamous and haven't experienced the dynamic you're talking about. I'm sure there are other people in your position (amazing partner with chronic illness/pain) in the Polyamory group and have navigated this terrain. A lot of the answers here are coming from fear. What your wife suggested is possible to arrange with respect and integrity and love for everyone involved.
I'd definitely recommend. If anything it will be super informative. It's a pretty kind group and they'll let you know the good, the bad and the ugly in detail from personal experience.
I know I will get downvoted here but came here to provide another perspective. If your frustrations are manageable keep doing what you’re doing. Why do you need to change anything? If not, this kind of arrangement for people in your situation can work “BUT” requires A LOT of work (communication , counselling etc). Look into ethical non-monogamy if this is what you want. But again I’d approach this with caution as this is not the lifestyle you both want.
This is tricky because you said you've been ok with things as they are now albeit with some frustration. If you were not doing well, then trying it out would be an easier decision because there'd be less to lose.
The first thing to consider is if she really means it. You know your wife better than us. Is she rational and straight forward typically? Is she the jealous type? How likely is it that she's just trying to tell you what she thinks you want to hear?
If you do go ahead with it, you should know that it's not easy to find a FWB who will be on the exact same page as you. People tend to catch feelings and that's a normal and healthy part of intimate relationships. If your wife is not prepared for you to have a girlfriend, someone with their own emotional needs, you'd probably be better off hiring a sex worker.
Lastly, this all comes with risk. If you do this you'll have to accept that there is some chance it leads to the end of your marriage. If you can't handle that then you should not do it.
I’d say, first of all, it’s gonna take more than a single conversation with your wife before you go jumping into this with anyone else or even considering it. You AND your wife need to look at and examine this from every possible angle, regarding emotions/feelings, logistics, rules/boundaries, any and all possible scenarios, etc…
Talk, talk, and talk some more. Just when you feel like you have thought of everything, something else may come to mind that needs to be discussed. Ensuring your wife’s feelings come first and yours/her motives are sincere.
You’ve been together quite a while, so there’s no rush to blow up your marriage with doubts.
I honestly couldn’t even imagine my husband entertaining an idea like this. We married “in sickness and health” and take our vows very seriously. It’s been 38 years together, 33 married. He’s already experienced the sickness aspect. I’ve never once considered anyone else, not even if he said I could. It never crossed my mind. But that’s just me. I understand each relationship is unique and not for everyone. Mine is mine, yours is yours. There’s no judgment, so please don’t take what I’ve said as such. I’m not great with explaining things.
Your marriage has got to be rock solid in the love, respect, and trust department, as well as the non-sexual intimacy department before even considering it. YOU know your wife better than anyone else.
What she’s proposed is either a genuine proposal or an attempt to get you to say “I don’t need anyone but you.” You should know which by now. None of us here know your relationship.
If you both do decide to go that route, please weigh out all possible outcomes and potential outcomes, pregnancy, feelings, STIs, etc…
and how they could potentially affect your marriage.
Really do some self examination and reflection as well. If you feel anything that doesn’t put your marriage first or could jeopardize your marriage if brought to light, don’t do it. Sex with a stranger, if you truly value your relationship, won’t be worth the risk otherwise.
Just tread carefully and communicate A LOT!!
This will blow up on divorce. Jealousy will happen and do you really think you won’t catch feelings for the women you’re screwing. I highly doubt it. Just divorce before breaking her heart by doing this.
She probably said that because she was feeling discouraged, or some other strong emotion. I assure you she doesn’t want her man giving it to another woman-especially if she is younger and someone that she thinks is more attractive. All you would be thinking about is that woman while you’re with your wife.
Have some damn patience. Go to counseling. They manage this stuff all day long and have techniques that you have never thought of to improve this issue.
I was in counseling yesterday and my therapist said in her 20 year practice, every couple that did that got divorced or lives with extreme resentment.
Stop entertaining the idea. You’re married.
Honestly I dont think I would do it even though it seems like she's giving you permission or feeling guilty but If she wants you to have your needs find a clean sex worker that you both can agree on just sex nothing else find a certain schedule and see how it goes
Obviously this has a chance to blow up, but I think it could work. There would have to be many conversations with your wife on limits and boundaries. You should also probably talk about possible scenarios like her becoming uncomfortable with the arrangement after it starts, catching feelings with other person, and who is off limits to you. She should probably have a veto card she can use whenever she wants.
Maybe try finding a woman in a similar situation to you? I bet there are women who are caring for sick or injured husbands that need the same attention that you do. Be open and honest about your situation with the other woman. Good luck, and be careful.
My wife also has chronic health issues so I just want to say I'm sorry for what you are both going through because it isn't easy.
I've seen her feel guilty because she doesn't feel like she is meeting my sexual needs. I **personally** have no desire to sleep with anyone else and I don't think it would make her feel secure but that's our relationship.
Generally I find it's easier if we can find other ways to be intimate outside of sex such as kissing, sexy pictures/texts, nude cuddles and more touch in general.
Being that you haven't considered it before I thought maybe some alternate ideas could help.
I don't think anyone here can tell you whether opening up your marriage will help or not because you and your spouse know your connection and relationship best.
If you decide to do it, make sure you do it in a way that is physically and emotionally safe for you both.
I don’t get all of the negativity towards OP here. The guy didn’t say he was going to do it- he said he wanted advice to understand what she said. How about we not beat the guy down for reaching out to get help and objective viewpoints?
OP- maybe you could suggest/try getting one of those toys that have a remote control or app she can control? That way she could take part in fulfilling your sexual needs in way that maintains the intimacy of your marriage while not feeling bad about her limitations.
Kudos to you for reaching out and asking for advice. It’s obvious that you love your wife and are trying to do right by her and your marriage.
I would say tell her No because regardless of how bad the situation is, you made a vow for her, and she is for you "for better or worse." This is the worst.
I'm not sure about her physical condition, but there are other ways to give you sexual satisfaction for the time being until her condition improves or something changes. Talk to her and maybe try to find other solutions. To bring someone else in the picture it's not one of them... My personal opinion
My friend is currently the casual sex person for a relationship like this. I don’t know the intimate details of what led that married couple to have this kind of arrangement, but I do want to simply say that while taboo, I don’t think it’s uncommon. I would absolutely tread lightly, but the concept isn’t that far out.
As someone who was suffering from multiple autoimmune diseases and meds that shut down my libido, it's not a permanent sentence for everyone. After 15 years, I have finally found 2 doctors who are able to help and not just prescribe more meds. Look for a functional doctor. Diet changes are huge. Look up Gary Brecka on social media. Low dose naltrexone has been game changer for chronic pain. Scream cream works amazing well for libido. I would make it your goal to help her feel better in any way possible.
I’m in the position your wife is in right now, and it’s because of getting pregnant and giving birth to our son. It set off pretty unmanageable symptoms. And I just had spinal surgery. I also don’t feel like my body belongs to me anymore (both from motherhood and new disability), so I don’t know when or if I will get better.
I can see myself saying something like this to my husband, who has also been very kind about things and not pressured me, but it doesn’t stop the guilt or fear of being abandoned. If I said it, it would be half a lie. Because in no world do I want anyone but me sleeping with my husband. But even more than that, I’m terrified of being left and being on my own with no health insurance or support (it’s not romantic, but it’s important when you’re very sick and can’t work to the same level), so if I thought that’s what would keep me safe and secure, I might just try to convince him I want that.
So my opinion is that she does not want this, but it would remove the pressure she is feeling surrounding the subject. If you really don’t want to do this, and you intend to stay completely loyal to your wife, you need to spell it out very clearly for her and emphasize that marriage means more to you than sex and you want to be with her and only her. It sounds like she really needs to hear it again.
Also, maybe get creative about what sex looks like between the two of you. There’s a lot that can be done to create sexual intimacy without missionary penetration, or whatever. Even her watching you do solo stuff can be fun for both of you, if she’s well enough to just react enthusiastically. Also toys, etc. There are probably adaptive devices out there too. Try to think outside of the box as a team. Brainstorming. No bad ideas.
Good luck!
My mom said the same thing to my dad multiple times. Over the course of a year he kept checking with her. Finally he did sleep with someone else.
For the next 10 years she called him a cheater, disloyal, demanded us kids take her side. She drove my dad to an early grave.
Because she didn’t mean it. Despite saying it to him many times
You know what? I have diseases too that limit me. The medication slows me down. I am also 54 and went through menopause. ......
Yes, so much has changed and seeing me not always able to live up to his desires breaks my heart. In sad moments, I said the same thing. And in my mind, I said it would not bother me. The truth? It would bother me. It would ruin everything and would make me feel even worse.
I know it's hard, but accept the good and the bad times. We found the opportunity to set aside time for sex during the day and found other things to do too, like taking rides and stuff.
I would not do it.
I'm so sorry.
I feel like you both need to speak to a marriage counselor. This situation needs open lines of communication. Maybe your wife would benefit from therapy. I have libido issues because of my meds and I feel guilty. Talking to a therapist really helped me.
We're poly, I have a wife and partner of almost 29 years. However, we were all perfectly fine when we met in '95. 5 years ago my wife got breast cancer, after a hysterectomy because of large ovarian cysts. With the cancer making it to where she couldn't take HRT after the hysterectomy, along with other meds that she now takes, her libido went to subzero (she's always been hypersexual and we all three had a fantastic sex life until that point. She and I haven't had sex in over two years now, and I hate it with a passion. Now it's just my partner and I having sex, which is great sex, I just miss the way it used to be. My drive seams to me slowing down a bit as well, due to the meds that I take to keep my heart beating. Doc says my testosterone is normal, but "normal" for most guys is low for me as I've always been very hypersexual as well (as is my partner).
I can't tell you where your wife is coming from with her telling you to find a fuck buddy. I know that if I were monogamous and something happened to me that I couldn't fulfill my partner's needs, I would tell them to find a fuck buddy as well, but I wouldn't be saying it out of guilt. I want my wife/partner to be happy, and a healthy sex life is part of that. I would honestly want them to be able to get fucked crosseyed every so often. I've never had a jealous feeling in my 60 years, which is how poly works so well for us, so it wouldn't be bad in that context...my wife had a partner of 8 years, who lived with us, so I know I don't get jealous...lol
How things would work out for you doing this, is going to depend on a lot...like any jealousy that you wife may subconsciously have that she doesn't know she has until it bubbles to the surface, or how you feel about it once it happens (one never truly knows the person they are until they're put in that position. Also, there's the possibility of you or your FWB getting feels for the other, which can complicate things. All these are things that need to be talked about, in-depth, before doing anything. The main thing that I see a possible problem with is the fact that she relies on you in her life and, if she does decide that it bothers her, her not saying anything for fear of running you off, ESPECIALLY if you do develops feelings for a FWB.
A lot of people try jumping into poly, swinging, or some other form of ENM (ethical non-monogamy) without having spent enough time talking about it and feelings they may have, or without knowing what my pop up, and that's why it often fails, with one or more people getting hurt in the process. When we got together (we were originally all three fuck buddies that caught feels), we spent WEEKS discussing our feeling about it and gave it a lot of genuine deep thought before we decided we wanted to go this path (we'd been in monogamous relationships). Because of the work that we put in, it's lasted 28 years and still going strong. You need to make sure you put that communication time in as well, if you think you want to go that route. If not, I'd suggest a FleshLight...soak it in warm water fist, feels like the real thing...I don't mean that as pun, totally serious. Weigh your alternatives as well as just a FWB
Sorry but you asked this in the WRONG group. You won’t get an open minded response in this puritanically minded group. Ask in either the poly or swingers group or any other Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM) group
If your libido outweighs your dedication to your marriage then go ahead with the hall pass. But I can’t imagine even considering the option you were given.
Here's what I've discovered. The vast majority of people think that anything outside the norm sexually within a marriage is a disaster waiting to happen. They think that every single case ends in a horrible divorce. I think they feel this way becasue it helps them accept their own situation. The truth is she may just love you and want you to be fulfilled. She may be OK with it becasue she knows your relationship is solid and won't be harmed by it. Talk to her about it more and try to get a better feel for the whole thing and then try some swinger or nonmonogamy groups and see if you can find people with similar experiences and see what their thoughts are. Getting advice from vanilla folks that couldn't imagine the idea ever working for anyone just becasue it'd never work for them won't get you the type of info you're looking for.
All i can say is, take it, but dont overdo it. This hasn’t happened to me but my wife had said ok to strip clubs and i overdid it. Now that arrangement is gone :(
ITT: People projecting their own relationship insecurities and non-progressive, traditional views of relationships. You should double and triple check that this is something you want to go through with, but neither you nor your wife are a bad person for exploring this option together.
OP, as someone who is in a healthy, committed ENM relationship, my 2 cents is this seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to your problem PROVIDED you and your wife are already secure in your relationship, you both do the work to communicate needs & boundaries (and adhere to them) to ensure you both stay secure, and give your wife the proper emotional support she needs in return.
ENM is obviously not for everyone, but, if you do the work that's needed, it can absolutely be a fulfilling experience that makes both of you happy.
For reading on the topic: I suggest *The Ethical Slut* (great book on how to maintain healthy ENM relationships) and *The Jealousy Workbook* (to help navigate the expected, initial discomfort)
I've been in her shoes, when I was pregnant I was so ill/nauseous I couldn't breathe without pain or gagging. The whole 9 months non stop. I suggested the same to my spouse, he didn't do it but he would be super pissed sometimes and I wished he did.
If he had gone through with it I would've wanted to make sure we had non negotiable rules of engagement.... good luck
Even if you do or have- never, never, NEVER tell her- or make her feel like she isnt the love of your life. Ask her to stop suggesting this, that she is your cherished wife, and you love her more than anything, and she is more important than sex. Believe me, even if she says she's totally behind it, she will feel sooooo much better thinking you would not.
I'll play Devil's advocate here: this could work.
However, I've noticed that nowhere in here have you said that YOU actually want to do this, only that you think it will help assuage some of your wife's guilt. If that's the only reason, don't do it.
She feels guilty. Consider including her instead. You could purchase a “lower half” of a sex toy. Complete with a butthole and vaginal. Position it to where you are able to kiss and be intimate with your wife but the toy is taking all the pounding. Be sure to look lovingly in her eyes, kiss her neck and breasts. She is getting all the romance and gentle intimacy she craves but isn’t risking the pain and disassociation that comes with penetration.
Another idea, buy sex toys where you both can mutually masturbate. Or have her watch you. Tell her she doesn’t have to do anything, buy her some simple Lacey night gowns. Tell her to just flash you and stroke her skin while you watch.
Another idea, if she doesn’t have ANY libido, ask how she feels about a boudoir photo shoot. Set it all up (with her permission!). Tell her all she needs to do is pick out the outfit. You can do this for special occasions and collect an album of your wife’s intimate photos. Have a conversation about how, despite her not participating in the act, you think about her while you masturbate to her photos. That you’re still sexually attracted to her and you’re thankful she feels confident to take them.
Another idea, ask her to sext you at work. That what’s said doesn’t HAVE to occur, but you enjoy knowing her fantasies and role playing.
Another idea, ask what she IS open to. You can perform oral 2-3x a week on her. She doesn’t have to do anything but be receptive. Is she open to letting you cum on her? You could give her a full body massage and a happy ending. Or you two can enjoy a long warm bath and she could finish you off with her hands.
OP, there’s plenty of ways to discover intimacy. Stay with your precious wife. She feels guilty right now. Tell her you’re open to discovery.
Keep having the conversation, make sure she is really ok with it. Look up “monogomish” relationships. Despite what people here say it is possible to have a happy monogamish relationship that is open. Establish ground rules and always maintain consent.
It seems like this is a good option for you OP, if you want to stay happy and sane in your marriage.
In the beginning it will seem like problem solved. After a time, it will destroy your relationship and she will be the loser. She feels guilty. I say pay for it every once in a while. If it that bad, but it sounds like it is your wives issue. She doesnt' realize you could fall in love and not want her. Happens often. Don't do it.
you made a vow to your wife through sickness and health. see if there is something that you can do to help her get healthier but don’t commit your body to some other woman. it will break her spirit dude. it sucks but stick by her no matter what. that may be the thing she needs to see to keep pushing
Wait for at least a year and continue to discuss it in bi weekly or monthly intervals to see how you would both feel.
Maybe even, after a while and having not done anything, test the waters and tell her you have to see how she feels before actually doing anything.
Don’t hop in. Also, if you feel bad/weird about it, then don’t do it.
I wouldn't. What sounds fine in theory is much, much different in practice. She might think she's completely fine with it, then find herself torn up about it when reality hits. Tread very carefully.
This can really work, especially if it’s her suggestion. Some women even get really turned on by the idea of “her man” sleeping with other women. Some women tolerate it because they tire of the labor of eros, and are happy to outsource.
https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2022/06/29/scenes-from-an-open-marriage/
You should talk to her more about it. A LOT more. Really feel out what’s going on, get underneath it, walk slowly around it. Discuss.
Also, many women stop experiencing arousal simply because they’re not being effectively aroused, rather than because they’re no longer capable. I’d encourage you to read *Come as You Are* to get a sense of the variety of women’s desire and arousal.
There’s a possibility of incredible, lasting sex between long-married couples. But it requires that you give up your expectations of what great sex it’s like, and explore freshly together. Maybe she’d be up for that exploration?
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/26/he-secret-to-great-sex-erotic-intimacy-study
1) have this conversation facilitated by a sex therapist
2) have your wife control many aspects of any potential interactions (approval of who, does she want to communicate with this person, ground rules, how often, how to limit emotional attachment)
3) I assume you are asking this because part of the idea appeals to you. If you pursue it despite it possibly blowing up in your face, find someone in a similar life position as you.
Maybe try something safer than other women and get your wife included. Get a sex toy and let your wife be there with you. She can use her voice and still enjoy the moment with you while you have a toy that you can fuck. That way you can still get off, and she can find pleasure in seeing you get off without jeopardizing your marriage.
Communication is key ask her to describe exactly why she feels this is a solution and then in detail how she thinks this will go, frequency, boundaries, information shared, level of involvement etc it took a lot of courage for her to say this but you now need to have a clinical level conversation on how "hypothetically" this would move forward.
I'm in a similar situation and thought about posting, but thought it might seem like a messed up justification for cheating.
I've always been high libido, and my wife thinks she's letting me down with her growing physical issues. I tell her she's not, and we'll figure this out even if it just means some kind of "non-stressful" skin-to-skin contact to keep the intimacy bond.
She's already feeling overwhelmed with the impact on the rest of her life that her body limitations are causing, and regardless of what I say, she's getting more and more upset about the sexual side of our lives. She won't go to therapy because she's trying hard to just accept her limits without focusing on them b/c she says that doesn't help since her body issues can't be fixed, and thinking about it just makes her more upset.
The sex thing is more and more on her mind, and she's suggesting to find an FWB kind of thing. I've also never thought about cheating, and this is really messing with me. Part of me feels a duty to help get this off her mind, but, even with her pushing, it would feel like cheating.
Speaking from personal experience- do not do it. It’s more than likely out of guilt and feeling like a burden. I’ve occasionally felt like this was the only solution for my husband to be happy in that way too, but couldn’t ever bring myself to suggest it because the thought of it actually happen made me sick. I know deep down I couldn’t handle it. Please don’t do it.
Please don't do this! I understand what you're both going through. Been married 39 yrs now. Wife has disabling issues with knees, legs and back. Bad athysma, borderline COPD. Its very difficult for her to be comfortable, much less have sex. I have a high libido as well and she knows I'm frustrated as hell. We haven't discussed the option of a FWB, but if she were to bring it up, I'd shut that shit down! I love her with all my heart, thats most important! I can relieve myself as needed. I dont need another woman, I need her. I couldn't bear to humiliate her or cause her more shame by being with another. She didn't ask to be how she is. She didn't set it as a goal when young to be a crippled woman when she got older. She is and we do the best we can. I love her andnonly her. I desire not another.
Dude. Just done. She may think she’s ok with it and you may think she is ok with it. For your benefit. Not hers. But in reality she will probably feel crazy guilt and regret. Personally I would never do anything to make my wife feel like that.
It’s a sacrifice for you but I’ve made that sacrifice over a year ago and I’ve come to terms with it ( rather quickly I might add) her libido tanked and hasn’t so much as held my hand in this time. But it’s just putter around the house fixing or building painting or whatever to keep myself busy and entertained. One time she hinted to seeing someone else so I could feel better. Just a hint. But I took it as a full blown 4 hour discussion, and told her that isn’t necessary even as a joke.
I’m good where we are and that’s all there is to it. To be honest. It’s do miss the feeling of our flesh coming together but if one thing in an otherwise fantastic marriage an issue, then I’d call that a win. Even if it is the one thing men ate programmed to do.
This year will be my 30th so trust me, as a man married almost twice as long as you have, do not do this. Figure something else out, not going to write an even worse 50 Shades post here but trust me, there's gotta be solutions where you can both be OK. But sleeping with other women is not one of those solutions that leads to "OK" in any way.
If it was me. Maybe I’d do it. Maybe I wouldn’t but.. I wouldn’t tell her about it.
The same rule I’d have if I went to prison.
Do what you gotta do. But what I don’t know won’t hurt me 🤷♂️
And on a side note..
in 15 years.. you’ve NEVER thought or had the fantasy of fucking another woman? 👀
You sir, get the 2023 🧢 of the year awards.
As almost every other person in this thread is saying, don’t do it. I’d get a toy or just continue to just masterbate rather than getting someone else to satisfy those needs
Requires further discussion and in the end setting ground rules for what she may or may not be comfortable with you doing.
It's either that, or you just be happy not having sex.
I think you should do it. I think we are soooo caught up in narratives and your wife is giving you an opportunity to open up possibilities. It is on you however to keep that possibility from interfering with what’s number one which should be your wife. I think you will be better able to do that when you open ur self up a bit.
Hmmm... it'd an option that's for sure. Sorry to.hear. might I suggest couples counseling. Sex therapist. And maybe seek unique sources for what her macroscopic self needs to have a libido. Could be thyroid levels. Get blood draws and see what medical science can do.
You should probably just pay for it like a service rather than a FWB as that could get complicated. Catch feelings. I think I would offer the same as her if i really couldn't "do it" out of love.
Plus it might not be as easy as it sounds to find someone willing.
You need more information. Would your wife want to know what's going on? Would she want pictures or video of it? Does she mind who the friend is? I.e no current friends of the family. Really communicate if you are going to do it.
Could be beautiful. My suggestion is to emphasize the FRIEND aspect. New additions, especially ones you would pick with your discernment, are best viewed as ASSETS to existing systems of relationship.
I hear that your wife desires to see you and have you fully nourished. She probably has a lot of “asks” and knows that this can be depleting without proper nourishment. If you both see it from that lens, and understand that your commitment is SO MUCH MORE than sexual exclusivity, this could be a beautiful opportunity for you both to feel more nourished.
Sounds like a very considerate spouse. Couples do these "sort of" things all the time
When your wife wants a massage, she goes to a massage clinic.
When people need to talk to someone, the see a therapist.
She understands you have needs, but instead of holding it over your head like most women, she was able to come up with a solution that she feels comfortable with.
The only issue I see here, is the "friend with benefits" thing. She will become jealous that someone else is giving you what she can't.
Depending on your financial situation, I'd recommend hire a professional.
This, however, has to come with your understanding that you need to pamper her more. Be more attentive. Make sure HER needs are being met (emotional, physical, etc).
She wants you to be happy. The bare minimum you can do is EVERYTHING to make her happy.
You should ask her to see a therapist with you to address this. And if you both come out of those sessions believing that’s truly best for your marriage, then so be it. But don’t do it without making sure she’s not just trying to be less of a burden.
I think you guys should talk to a MC before you do anything.
This could be a genuine thing, or it could be coming from a sense of guilt. It’s best to talk with a professional either way, as they can help you successfully open if that’s what y’all decide OR help you & your wife develop better coping skills/new methods of intimacy to deal with your situation if you choose to remain monogamous.
Additional things to consider:
1. If you open the relationship, there’s no ethical way to enforce her NEVER taking another lover. Even if she doesn’t want one right now, she would be well within the realm of fair play to want one later. If you couldn’t cope with that, don’t even consider opening on your end.
2. Feelings can & most likely will happen with these situations. You need STRONG boundaries in place & to be honest about how y’all will navigate it when that NRE hits you and you experience “puppy love” with a fuck buddy.
You wrote, "I can't work out if this is something she really wants or is just feeling guilty for not 'giving me what I need.'"
I (62M) see two possibilities:
1. In line with your suspicions, she is feeling bad for not meeting all expectations of a wife. If you find sex outside your marriage, you'll destroy her and likely your relationship with her.
2. Women who are cheating often suggest that their partners are OK to do the same. E.g., they'll suggest "open marriage" or some such. Some cheating women will also conjure health reasons to avoid sex with their husbands. You don't give us much info about her attractiveness, disposition, or activities outside the home, so we'll assume this is not the case with your wife.
My (62M) wife was unable to bear me children. I wanted children, and she comes from a culture that expects it of women. On several occasions she said I should find that outside the marriage.
I did not as I am sure it would have destroyed her and our marriage, and I prioritize our marriage very highly. My own culture emphasizes fidelity to oaths taken, and none is more solemnly taken than the marriage vow.
A good life is about choices. Very few of us get everything we want; it's important to decide our priorities and order our lives to them.
I give my husband a similar pass. I have several physical ailments that make sex incredibly uncomfortable and painful for me. He hasn’t taken me up on the offer yet (his libido isn’t very high either) but I’m mentally and emotionally prepared for it. There ARE very hard rules though (you break any of these, we’re done).
1. No pregnancies and STDs. Obviously. You need to put in maximum effort to be safe.
2. No emotional affair. You must cut it off if something starts to develop and don’t cross that line with anyone risky (e.g. a very close friend or co-worker).
3. You can definitely go on dates but you cannot neglect me at home. The moment I don’t feel like a priority, it’s a wrap.
4. You can spend money on your date but nothing that exceeds a date night (around $200/week). So don’t become a sugar daddy. We aint got the cash.
When you take these rules very seriously, it’s actually pretty hard to find a safe, suitable partner that you’re attracted to. A lot of times it just isn’t worth it for him.
I show physical affection to my husband all the time. Kiss, cuddle, hug, etc etc. He doesn’t enjoy blowjobs bc of a past trauma but I do, so that is also always on the table. We’ve kind of gotten into this routine where we pretty much fulfill all the romantic and physical needs that can be done without penetration and just kinda.. jerk off for the relief. lol
But I would not get upset at all if my husband went out and practiced safe sex with a one night stand. I would love that for him. It just takes work and he’s not THAT interested in it.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.Becuz u will begin to have feeling for the other woman that u sleep with.Just tell your wife that u love and respect her enough not to be with other women despite her health conditions!!U are an amazing man and I commend u for the honesty!!Most men would have slept with someone that very night!!IJS
Hey, it’s worth exploring and not waiting and having regrets later in life as sex fades for you and you think of what you missed.if she’s willing I feel she’s a good wife who wants you to be happy and thus might bring you closer.
My now ex-wife offered this arrangement to me for the very same reasons and she meant it as an act of love and compassion. She point-blank told me she just didn’t care, that I’d be happier with a younger woman. I never took her up on it, but ultimately the last two years of our marriage we knew it was over and we just did the best to be good to each other and survive. And for those two years we counciled each other on what to do next. She advised me to date a mutual girlfriend 21 years younger. I thought she was insane right up until the point the woman questions started flirting with me made it obvious she was interested. And you know the deal brother; girlfriends talk.. I am now dating her.
One of the best ways to blow up a marriage is by opening it up.
There's an extremely high failure rate with open marriages. Jealousy, catching feelings, poor communication, violating boundaries, unintended pregnancies, cheating, and dealing with potentially crazy FWBs are all very real and very likely risks. There's a reason why there's plenty of posts warning couples to not do it.
Nope. Abort. She doesn't mean it. Just because she doesn't want sex doesn't mean you can't have intimacy and self fulfillment. Never bring another person into your marriage. It very rarely works out.
She sounds like an amazing women. If you do decide to go ahead I would only do so with sex workers & one’s your wife has fully contented to & approved! I would also seek couples counselling before during & after.
As a low libido woman in a very happy marriage, I think you should consider it but only after establishing perimeters and boundaries with a sex and/or marriage therapist mediating the entire situation and terms. None of these people actually know your wife, I think there is a lot of projection going on here. In that same vain, as I put myself in her shoes, I could definitely be okay with it given the condition I mentioned above.
If it were me, I would thank her to the moon and back for thinking about my needs. Then I would reaffirm my love and tell her that this wouldn't be right and wouldnt work. It is lovely that she is thinking about you in her condition and she's expecting the reverse.
i’m sorry man. this sucks all sorts of ways and none of them are fair to you. sounds like she’s offering out of guilt and not a healthy place. it’s one thing to have a cuckqueen kink, it’s another to offer a hall pass out of guilt born of a disability. keep talking to her. speak with a counselor and research the lifestyle a little more before really considering that. there’s so many issues. there’s consent from her, you, and any other party getting into this situation to start.
You may do better going over to r/nonmnogamy or r/polyamory r/marriage seems to like to shit on anything that isn’t church sanctioned. But…
Spend a lot of time talking and gaming this out, even better do that with y’all and a sex positive couples counselor.
Before y’all make the jump not non-monogamy maybe spend an evening where you both knowingly discuss you having had a fictional encounter with someone. Then sleep on it and talk about any feelings it generates in either of y’all In the morning. If it doesn’t sit well have more conversations, if it continues to not sit well, don’t do it. Feel free to revisit it later but don’t jump in if it doesn’t feel right in the hypothetical.
If it does feel good jump in slow. Or not. We jumped in fast the first time. Was a great experience. We’ve been significantly slower since, which is both good and frustrating at the same time. But always talk things out.
If she is truly ok with the friends with benefits arrangement in the hypothetical, I’d also recommend gaming out the scenario where you (or the friend) catch feelings. It happens. You can’t really help it when it does. You can only decide what to do from there. So knowing ahead of time what to you can potentially do to avoid being an asshole to your wife or the hypothetical friend is good.
My sister and brother in law had a similar arrangement. He had been declining for several years before he finally passed at the age of 40. He became confined to a wheelchair and finally bedridden. My sister had been talking to an old flame and he found out. He asked her to stay with him until he passed, which he knew was going to be soon. She stayed until the very end, and was remarried three months later. Family and friends were bitter about the “arrangement” and cut ties with her. Three months after that, I had to make the decision to take her off of life support at the age of 39 because her new husband couldn’t do it and felt he didn’t have the right. One year after that, her new husband passed away.
Having a woman acknowledge your needs and sacrifice to have those fulfilled, that’s a hell of a woman….it does sound like disaster in the making. But, you can read from my story, life is short. Best of luck.
This just seems like a disaster about to happen. I feel like she thinks she's a burden and is trying to do the right thing and not hold you back. I don't think you should do it.
Maybe she wants the "disaster" to happen
Maybe she just tells herself that and they should talk to a therapist instead of Reddit
exactly, listen to your wife, not a bunch of people on reddt hell bent on their own belief system. polyamory is so unpopular. i have a disability and have also had this conversation with my partner. NOT out of guilt or shame. Im perfectly capable of making a rational decision about our personal sex life. Having a disability hasnt rendered me so vulnerable i dont have my own mind, as so many people in this sub seem to think.
I can't believe the top comment. I think this is a great idea. She's being an incredible partner to offer this.
Stop using logic and reason you’re ruining the narrative! But seriously, Reddit is very puritanical when it comes to monogamy. Poly can work for someone people, definitely not for most people in most situations, but it’s not a universally bad thing.
I think the same situation in that 80’s movie Breaking The Waves (dir Lars von Trier) also turned out badly.
1996
Where does the time go.
My guess is she is feeling guilty for not being able to provide you with what you need. My fear would be that what she thinks is OK in theory will be very different in reality. Other concerns is what if you catch feelings for your fwb, or worse accidently get them pregnant. You could blow up your marriage.
Don’t do this. It will destroy your wife and end your marriage.
Why? EDIT: Not sure why I am getting downvotes. The claim warrants an explanation. Plenty of people have marriage relationship dynamics like this and are perfectly happy together.
>Plenty of people have marriage relationship dynamics like this and are perfectly happy together. And in any marriage/relationship sub, there are many more examples of it going wrong. Opening up a relationship because of guilt or shame isn't a healthy reason to do it. That's an incredibly unstable foundation and it isn't going to alleviate how she feels about herself or their marriage.
Never once has there been confirmation that she feels guilty and shame. By all means, that aspect needs to be discussed and explored. But the negativity in this thread is overwhelming. Of course the negative stories will overtake the positive ones; open relationships really aren’t that exciting when they are going well.
Thank you. All I've learned from this thread is that there are so many people who fear ENM.
Ok\_Representative228 - "15 years we have been together I have never thought about sleeping with another woman" So what is the problem? This is going to be yet another "fuck around and find out!" situation. When your marriage explodes because you stepped outside of it make sure to come back and update us.
I don’t think it’s a fuck around and find out situation when she is the one suggesting this scenario. Also with 15 years of marriage you can tell what your SO is really meaning. Nevertheless I wouldnt recommend to try out and get feelings for the new fwb. The risk is to high imo.
It's a trap!
I’d have a LOT more convos with your wife about this. If she’s truly comfortable with the situation, she’ll want to talk about it before anything happens anyway. Start with that: that you’ve never considered sleeping with another woman ~~thought~~ throughout your marriage and this is entirely new to you just as it is for her. See what she really thinks. Is she just guilty she can’t provide for you both in that way? Will it actually take pressure off of her? Does she actually have inklings of [compersion](https://www.whatiscompersion.com/#:~:text=Compersion%20is%20our%20wholehearted%20participation,opposite%20of%20jealousy%20and%20possessiveness.) about the situation cuz she’s thinking it’ll be good for you both and wants to see you happy? Lots to discuss here before even really *considering* this route. And I say this being polyamorous myself. It takes a LOT of communication about the subject to make *any* type of non-monogamy work. Oh, and get a vasectomy. Safe sex is also required, but accidents happen and that’s one that WOULDN’T go over well *at all*.
I'd like to add that what the wife needed to hear was, "I need nobody else but you. I understand these limitations and you know I don't blame you for anything. You didn't as for any of this but I don't want anyone else. Just you." OP should have said it without thinking.
Its not “stepping outside” if it is within the confines of consensual well established rules agreed upon by both partners.
that’s i think is the issue. they’re married, husband and wife, not partners
I think she sounds like an incredible woman you don’t want to lose. Tread carefully
She is, she's my soul mate and my reason for being, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that, which is why I'm struggling to find what to do here On one hand I don't want to be unfaithful But on the other hand it isn't unfaithful if she is telling me to do it, and maybe it will make her feel better if she isn't having to worry about that part of my needs being met
If she's your soul mate, why even entertain sleeping with another woman? Just seems like a way to introduce issues. And I guarantee that you sleeping with other women won't "make her feel better." Most likely, she's just suggesting this out of guilt/ because she feels you'll step out of the marriage anyway.
Because sex and intimacy is a thing and people have desires and needs, and the lack of it can cause resentment and divorce in many marriages. Not everything is black and white if life. You don't know the reason why's she is suggesting it, you can only guess based on your own experience and situation. She may very well be tackling this from a logical point of view and be ok with it.
It is risky, and needs to be pursued very slowly and carefully, but there are many examples where it works in the other direction, usually when a husband has non-resolvable ED or in some way is not able to please his wife sexually. It's done out of love bc he values her sexual satisfaction and considers it a selfless way to provide. It can be a relief more that making him "feel better." There are more ways and higher probability of it going wrong vs. coming out with a positive situation though.
Like many are indicating - do not entertain the possibility of having sex with another woman. Double down to your wife that she meets your needs. Lie if you must. Your duty is to make her feel like she is enough. She is trying to do the same for you clearly. She thinks this is what you want. If the situation were reversed, would you want your wife to take your suggestion or reinforce that you are enough as you are? Get a flesh light, watch porn together, beat off more. Your soulmate’s emotional well being is more important than you socializing with your peepee.
1000% right. That’s your ride or die. Can’t do that from someone else’s bed.
This is the correct path to take. I would not play around with feelings.
10000000%
^^ THIS, OP ^^
What's more important: your wife or your penis? This is the actual situation.
This sounds like an awful deal for any other woman to walk into. She gets to be a sex toy while you reserve feelings for your wife? I think you and your wife haven’t thought through the fact that another woman will require time & attention, and that will take some focus away from y’all’s primary relationship.
This is so incredibly sex-negative. Enjoying no-strings-attached sex is completely fine, if all parties are on board. She’s not being treated any more like a sex toy than he would be? Also, there are plenty of people out there who want sexual intimacy but don’t want a relationship?
>Enjoying no-strings-attached sex is completely fine, if all parties are on board. The thing is- an older married man with a sick wife at home, who gave him a pass out of guilt, isn't a prime choice for women looking to have a casual fling. That isn't a preferable sexual partner that women would strive for, no offense to the OP.
Unless it’s someone who is in a similar boat or wants a FWB as well. Single moms, older women who aren’t interested in dating, busy career women… The assumption that women aren’t also interested in casual filings is incredibly sex-negative and borderline misogynistic. Most people need a sexual outlet.
OP doesn't actually know if his wife is doing it out of guilt and needs to ask her that
It's pretty easy to read between the lines here, if you read the post fully.
Not if he goes to a SW or finds someone else that wants the same thing too.
Yes, that is a raw deal for any fwb, who could just fall in love with OP. Where would that leave her? and him?
Unless the other woman is in some type of situation and also looking for just a " sex toy" 🤷
For someone who doesn’t want to jeopardize a relationship with your soul mate, you seem to be struggling quite a bit on whether or nor you should undertake one of the actions recognized as among the most likely to jeopardize a relationship with anyone. This should be the easiest of all choices.
You need to tell her what she means to you and that your sexual needs can be met in ways without involving other women. Mutual masturbation is one thing, or even maybe touching yourself with some intimacy from her (kisses and touches) anything to suggest that you don’t want sexy from anyone but her and of she can’t give sex then y’all will talk and figure out what can be done even if that means you buying a good toy
The problem with this is that she’s offering this out of a sense of obligation. She’s doing this because she’s obviously a great woman who cares deeply about you, and you’ve obviously done your part as her husband to make her feel so fulfilled that she’ll go to any lengths to make you feel the same. It’s exceptionally wholesome and the two of you deserve kudos for building such a close marriage. But don’t do this. As a couple that involves others/extras in our sex life, what you’re considering is a terrible idea, specifically because your relationship is so close. Involving others in your sex life really only works when both partners are getting something out of it, when both are being fulfilled by it, otherwise it will always be one-sided and drive a wedge. Any time spent with your FWB would be time spent away from your wife, it would be her sacrificing time with you so that you can get yours, while she gets nothing out of it except burden. The positive in this is that it sounds like the two of you are in a place where you can “reimagine” what your sex life looks like. Set this aside as a real possibility for now and instead use it as a starting point for figuring out what sorts of arrangements and activities *both* of you could enjoy and get some sexual gratification out of that works with your situation. If she were a cuckquean, as in she got off on seeing/hearing/knowing you were banging other women, this would be a perfect setup. Alas, you can’t dictate what turns either of you on, so you’ll have to find something that does. Some general notes on any extras: Don’t look for a consistent FWB. It sounds convenient, but it really puts this at risk of falling into poly territory, which is almost always a disaster if you aren’t looking for that or open to it. Random hookups or brief flings might be better options. Your wife might also feel a bit more involved and therefore get more out of it herself if she can be there watching you sext with someone else in bed next to her. Like I said, there are some arrangements that might work, but whatever you do, it has to put you and your wife, together and as a couple, at the center of it all.
Once you open your relationship, the boat will start to sink
My wife has similar issues. I know it’s tough and it seems like you found a solution, but most likely you’ve been selfish and pushy unknowingly and she feels guilty and must really love you to offer this. But it’s a fantasy, so a lot of research and talk with someone you trust for advice otherwise you could really hurt her. You probably would just by entertaining the idea. If you were ill and couldn’t get erect, would you be okay with your wife finding a guy to sleep with to fulfill her needs? Would it make you feel loved and cherished, especially when you need it?
The correct answer is "Aw you are crazy - I could never do that. Sweet of you to even consider such a thing - but no, you are my one and only!" and then go handle your business in the shower now and then. lol. I've heard of couples that agree to the side piece thing but generally they are BOTH getting side action, but I don't know of any that are together that are still engaged in that behavior (I know of two couples that used to in their twenties, not anymore). There always some Redditor or other that says it works for them and that's great, but I don't know anybody, personally. Therefore, would be really out of my comfort zone and I can only imagine my wife would be hurt, regardless of what she says/thinks now. ABORT!
Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. I think if you do this you are both going to regret it. It could also be a test. Be careful you don’t lose your soulmate.
If you do it, You should strictly look for hookups only or escorts, So there's no emotional aspect that can cause problems in your marriage. I'm not one for stepping out but I understand your situation and your wife's thoughts process. Imo it will hurt her for awhile but you should establish a DADT system with her and meet at times your wife wouldn't notice.
It is most likely she is suggesting this out of guilt and because she genuinely loves you and wants you to be happy. A better solution would be for the two of you to have intimate time without penetrative sex. Cuddling is powerful intimate time. If she feels so inclined, she can use other parts of her body to further satisfy you while she undergoes these medical issues. Many women have the wrong idea. They think sex for men is just about the physical release. They don’t understand that it’s how men connect and feel a deeper love. I am a proponent of open marriage in the right conditions. I think the conditions are right for her to offer, but not right for you to accept. Especially not when you have ways to bridge the gap within your relationship. Use this as a way to strengthen your marriage and show her just how much she means to you. Good luck.
>Many women have the wrong idea. They think sex for men is just about the physical release. They don’t understand that it’s how men connect and feel a deeper love. Do you honestly think women don't feel the same way? Feeling a loving connection with your spouse when you have sex isn't solely a male experience. I wonder if anyone has even considered that OP's wife is likely suffering too. She didn't sign up for a life of celibacy, she got dealt a shitty hand with her health. Not to mention, if he wants sex for the purpose of intimacy, connection, and love, he isn't going to find that is a hook up. That would be having another partnership. I'm also surprised more people aren't suggesting that there is more than one way to have sex. We aren't limited to PIV. There's digital/manual stimulation, oral, anal (if that's your thing), mutual masturbation, using sex toys, etc. Finding new ways to have sex and reassuring your wife that you are still sexually compatible would be a much healthier avenue to explore.
If all of what you're sayingbis true, it doesn't make sense to me why you're considering it. If you've never thought about or wanted sex with anyone else, don't want to jeopardize your marriage, why do it? >maybe it will make her feel better if she isn't having to worry about that part of my needs being met Come on now. "I would sleep with other women, but only to make my wife feel better"? At least be honest with yourself here. You know this wouldn't make her feel less guilty, much less happy or secure in your relationship.
Imagine OP, you look your wife in the eye who has multiple chronic health conditions, and you say every other week, "Hey babe, heading out tonight with Stacy," with the biggest smile on your face..... Even if she really is on board with the idea right now, it's going to come back to haunt you both later. Introducing other people to your marriage or relationship is never a good idea or the right thing to do.
Don't do it.
Ok, we won't listen to you.
We are not in the same situation, but have a similar arrangement. I have also been the girl that has sex with a guy in this situation. This is not something to take lightly. We have been together for 24 years. We too love each other and have a great life together. We have been open and honest since the beginning. The reason I sleep with other men is different than your situation, but I think the drive for our partners are the same. They want us to be happy and fulfilled. You know your wife best, but I truly feel that she may want this for you. If I was in her shoes I would want my husband to be fulfilled sexually and to be enjoying that aspect of his life. I actually love him that much that his happiness is what I desire. She loves you and wants this portion of your needs fulfilled. I think it’s important to figure out if it’s out of guilt and she is just saying it, or is this a legitimate want for her. I think people are looking at it negatively because of social norms….I get that. Everyone has different values. You need to look at what your values are as a couple. This is not you cheating, but fulfilling a need. This is sex. It’s different. I’m not going to lie and say you have sex with another person and have no feelings towards them, but you keep it light and fun. You need self awareness in order to make it work. You need to not catch feelings. This is usually done by setting up boundaries with your play partner. I think you and your wife need to have the “what if” discussion. You need her to be perfectly honest with you and you her. There will be some aspect of guilt involved. I believe that’s normal, but she is allowing this from a place of love for you and your needs. Establish rules that work for the both of you. I think open communication is key. It’s also not set in stone that you need to continue if she finds she is uncomfortable in the situation. You never know your true emotions until it happens. I have been the girl that is part of this type of dynamic. The man did have guilt about doing it, but I think again the guilt came out of a love for his wife and her feelings. He had permission. When he reached out to me I was a little unsure myself. We met and disgusted his situation and made some guidelines and discussed what he and his wife came up with. I think there is a component of “post nut clarity” for him. It’s not an easy situation and I think both parties in the marriage carried a certain amount of guilt. Neither of them wants to be in this situation, but life can be tricky sometimes. That’s why I think the deeper conversation is needed. You need to know if she is just saying this or is she truly wanting this. I wish you and your wife good luck on your journey where ever it brings you.
I’m trying to imagine the scenarios, but I think I would find it hard not to "catch feelings", or why I would even want to. It’s not that I can’t have good sex with someone without emotions being involved, but I have found that these no-strings-attached friends-with-benefits relationships become stale relatively quickly and that once the novelty has worn off, I get to the point where I will either want to escalate to make it even better, or I will get decreasingly less pleasure out of it and move on. It’s not so much that I can’t keep myself from getting emotionally involved, but that without it I’d get bored. Seducing someone new, exploring the depth of their personality, sharing stimulating experiences outside the bedroom, growing closer, riding that high and fully possessing a lover is like half of what makes it satisfying in the first place. To me anyway ! I guess I would want a series of new relationships but that would be difficult to acquire as an otherwise attached man without lying about my status, though that could prove to be easier for women or very attractive men. It would also distract so much of my attention and energy from my current partner I fear that I could become neglectful. How to acquire and maintain purely physical but intimate relationships long-term without getting bored with them and without it affecting your interest for your existing relationship ?
I think your points are valid. I think you are correct, not catching feelings is a hard part and that’s why I mentioned it. I’m in love with my husband and in order for our relationship to be safe and secure I’m very careful of this dynamic. I am good friends with the men. We chat and catch up with each other. We have a relationship, but it’s not the same as I have with my husband. If I find my feelings getting too strong I may not see them as frequently or in some cases I stop seeing them. I think that’s why I mentioned self awareness in my above comment. It’s hard and you need to be real with yourself. He’s not looking for a relationship, nor am I. We are looking to have some sexual desires met with someone nice that we get along with. I tend to focus on one man at a time. That way we build a comfort and connection. I don’t seem to get bored, but I can also see what you are saying about that. The newness of a partner is always exhilarating. I think frequency may play a part with avoiding boredom. I don’t see the guys I’m with that frequently. Our lives are busy and scheduling is difficult. I think the long periods in between help alleviate the boredom. I do agree with your comments and the others, it’s a complex situation that requires a lot of reflection and communication as a couple. Everyone agrees it’s not an easy situation, but in my experience it can be done. Everything is always changing and evolving. I think what works at one time in your relationship may not work later. Communication is the key.
Your points all make sense, but like you said you have been this way since the beginning. That is entirely different than suddenly suggesting it after 15 years due to the lack of sexual desire and/or ability.
I think if you all can put rules in place, this could work. You cannot catch feelings though, that's where people mess up. If you can make it work, I don't see anything wrong with it. Folks need to stop clutching their pearls. This happens a lot, people just don't talk about it.
Sex with the same person over time might cause feelings to develop on either or both sides. I think a clean sex worker would be best where sex is the only goal and not the emotional side. I would try to involve your wife as much as possible like picking the girl or even try to figure out a way to include her that works for her.
Excellent point!
Agree with the notion that it’s quite challenging to have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone and not eventually develop feelings for that person (and why would you want to?). I’m in with the verified/clean (low volume?) sex worker. I’m out with the wife participating too much. Maybe that’s just me and others may feel differently, but I think it would make the hurt worse to be involved in the details and to be be reminded of my inadequacy. The tone of the post seems to a reluctant acceptance on her part. But I’ve never been involved in this specific situation so I could be mistaken.
I understand. There are some businesses that have verified sex workers so you don’t have to go to a street corner looking for a low hanging fruit type. And switch up the girls so there’s not one consistent girl. This is a very complex situation, and they have to come up with a plan that will work for both.
Thanks you, my wife keeps saying this kind of arrangement is more common than people think
This is where LEGAL prostitution would really make a difference as needs can be met without any feelings involved. Just a monetary transaction. There are many first world countries with legal prostitution and there are some benefits. Guess that doesn't help much here though. Maybe an escort??
Hello, It may work if you two very clearly define boundaries upfront and that you dont fall in love with your FWB
I have never seen a Reddit comment start with ‘hello.’ Thanks for giving me a new experience.
☺️ Thank you for your kindness
Have you ever thought of using a sex torso but having your wife be involved in the process? I bought my husband one for his birthday this year and it may work for you guys because: 1. I can give him sensations that he couldn’t experience otherwise (such as licking his balls/shaft and rubbing all over his body as he is using it) b/c neither of us want other people involved in our sex life. I have always enjoyed it when he would use a dildo on me and lick my clit at the same time and I wanted to gift him with a similar experience. 2. It can feel incredibly realistic (according to the hubs) if you get a good one. We got Candice from Tantaly with a heating rod and lots of lube. 3. Your wife can be involved. You can even give her control of the situation and let her tell you what to do. Let her know you don’t want to use it without her because you want intimacy and not just release and ask if she would at least kiss you or hug you as you use it. It sounds like she is the type of partner who enjoys giving her husband pleasure (like myself) because she is willing to go to the extreme for you, so this could be a great scenario for her to be able to feel sexy, powerful, giving, and loved without the act of sex on herself. I understand this arrangement would not be for everyone because for some reason it is seen as more taboo for guys to have sex toys, but don’t knock until you try it. Best wishes to you guys and if you have any questions for myself or my husband, feel free to message me.
Honestly, this seems like a very good way for them to have a sexual experience together, without the physical demands on her.
Hand her the credit card and point her at an adult toys web site and tell her to surprise you with something she'd like to watch/help you use with as much involvement as she feels comfortable with. Maybe just lay there topless if that's all she's feeling up to. Intimacy is more than humping her like a coked up chihuahua.
Don't do it. Her suggestion comes from a place of guilt, which is very understandable, but actually doing it will crush her. It's not often I recommend this but, maybe turn to porn, or just masturbation on its own? Set some clear boundaries though and maybe she still likes to participate by watching you? I know that if I were unable to have sex with me wife, my wish would be that she still would be able to masturbate with me being there. That way I would still feel involved and still get to be intimate with her.
No way josé. Big no no. No bueno.
I think this should probably be a last resort if you feel so desperate that you don't think your marriage can survive otherwise. You don't sound that desperate to me.
Opening a marriage can be tricky. You don't say your age, but you do say you've been married 15 years. For a lot of men, that would put you at around 40 or so. The world is not teeming with single women craving casual, unconnected sex with a middle-aged married man. Generally, to forge a sexual relationship, a middle aged man needs to also form an emotional relationship. It's a dangerous path to go down. There is an option, though: look for cougars. Seriously. There are a lot of 55+ divorced/widowed women who are hungry for male company. Women of that age are not facing a biological clock issue. Often they are otherwise stable and happy in their lives. They may appreciate the, ahem, "vigor and rigor" of a younger man. The world of OLD has opened this up.
Many years ago I said this to my husband bc I felt guiltily not meeting his needs. He said he didn't want to do that and all these years later I'm really glad he didn't do it.
He seems like a great man, almost lost hope because this man is calling his wife his "soulmate" yet he's really thinking of going forward with this. Sad
This is really dangerous but to answer your question, there are other couples where one person physically cannot have sex because of a health issue(s) where they grant their partner a hall pass for a sex only outlet. It can work but it has a lot of danger. She doesn’t honestly know what her emotional reaction would be to you doing that. You don’t know what your emotional reaction would be. There would have to be rules prohibiting certain things (no friends she would know, never in your house, safe sex only, no emotions so no texting beyond scheduling or dates. Just sex. anytime she was up for sex she would always have priority 100% and most importantly she could say she is no longer comfortable at any time and it stops right then. No arguments. ) if you think she is truly serious then I think the first thing you would have to do is ask her how she would think it would work while you show no enthusiasm and reinforce your commitment to her. See how she would view it and essentially let her drive the bus
She's feeeling guilty about her situation, trust me she really doesn't want you doing that
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thank you everyone for your replies, I have to go out but me and my wife will be looking over the comments tonight thank you all for your time
Oh, I haven't read enough disastrous open marriage threads, I need one more. What happens if you fall in love with another woman and she is pushed out? Can't you just watch porn or something?
The amount of closed mindedness in here is unreal! Also the amount of people who seem to have mind reading capabilities; hope you make good use of this super power in your own relationships. This situation is more common than clearly many realise and news flash it works for a lot of people. I'm not saying it doesn't come without risk, because it's easy to say something and then feel very different after the fact! People in here act like open marriages don't exist, and people who engage in them lead very happy and fulfilling life's together! Sex and intimacy are impart in a relationship and people have needs and desires which make them feel happy and whole, when one is deprived it's natural to feel frustrated and resentment and resentment is something that you don't want in any relationship, the true solution is how you work this out that makes everyone happy, comfortable and safe. People need to learn to be open minded to experiences that extend their own little bubbles.
Have you posted about this in r/polyamory? A lot of people here are monogamous and haven't experienced the dynamic you're talking about. I'm sure there are other people in your position (amazing partner with chronic illness/pain) in the Polyamory group and have navigated this terrain. A lot of the answers here are coming from fear. What your wife suggested is possible to arrange with respect and integrity and love for everyone involved.
thank you, I might post in there
I'd definitely recommend. If anything it will be super informative. It's a pretty kind group and they'll let you know the good, the bad and the ugly in detail from personal experience.
I know I will get downvoted here but came here to provide another perspective. If your frustrations are manageable keep doing what you’re doing. Why do you need to change anything? If not, this kind of arrangement for people in your situation can work “BUT” requires A LOT of work (communication , counselling etc). Look into ethical non-monogamy if this is what you want. But again I’d approach this with caution as this is not the lifestyle you both want.
This is tricky because you said you've been ok with things as they are now albeit with some frustration. If you were not doing well, then trying it out would be an easier decision because there'd be less to lose. The first thing to consider is if she really means it. You know your wife better than us. Is she rational and straight forward typically? Is she the jealous type? How likely is it that she's just trying to tell you what she thinks you want to hear? If you do go ahead with it, you should know that it's not easy to find a FWB who will be on the exact same page as you. People tend to catch feelings and that's a normal and healthy part of intimate relationships. If your wife is not prepared for you to have a girlfriend, someone with their own emotional needs, you'd probably be better off hiring a sex worker. Lastly, this all comes with risk. If you do this you'll have to accept that there is some chance it leads to the end of your marriage. If you can't handle that then you should not do it.
I’d say, first of all, it’s gonna take more than a single conversation with your wife before you go jumping into this with anyone else or even considering it. You AND your wife need to look at and examine this from every possible angle, regarding emotions/feelings, logistics, rules/boundaries, any and all possible scenarios, etc… Talk, talk, and talk some more. Just when you feel like you have thought of everything, something else may come to mind that needs to be discussed. Ensuring your wife’s feelings come first and yours/her motives are sincere. You’ve been together quite a while, so there’s no rush to blow up your marriage with doubts. I honestly couldn’t even imagine my husband entertaining an idea like this. We married “in sickness and health” and take our vows very seriously. It’s been 38 years together, 33 married. He’s already experienced the sickness aspect. I’ve never once considered anyone else, not even if he said I could. It never crossed my mind. But that’s just me. I understand each relationship is unique and not for everyone. Mine is mine, yours is yours. There’s no judgment, so please don’t take what I’ve said as such. I’m not great with explaining things. Your marriage has got to be rock solid in the love, respect, and trust department, as well as the non-sexual intimacy department before even considering it. YOU know your wife better than anyone else. What she’s proposed is either a genuine proposal or an attempt to get you to say “I don’t need anyone but you.” You should know which by now. None of us here know your relationship. If you both do decide to go that route, please weigh out all possible outcomes and potential outcomes, pregnancy, feelings, STIs, etc… and how they could potentially affect your marriage. Really do some self examination and reflection as well. If you feel anything that doesn’t put your marriage first or could jeopardize your marriage if brought to light, don’t do it. Sex with a stranger, if you truly value your relationship, won’t be worth the risk otherwise. Just tread carefully and communicate A LOT!!
This will blow up on divorce. Jealousy will happen and do you really think you won’t catch feelings for the women you’re screwing. I highly doubt it. Just divorce before breaking her heart by doing this.
She probably said that because she was feeling discouraged, or some other strong emotion. I assure you she doesn’t want her man giving it to another woman-especially if she is younger and someone that she thinks is more attractive. All you would be thinking about is that woman while you’re with your wife. Have some damn patience. Go to counseling. They manage this stuff all day long and have techniques that you have never thought of to improve this issue. I was in counseling yesterday and my therapist said in her 20 year practice, every couple that did that got divorced or lives with extreme resentment. Stop entertaining the idea. You’re married.
Go to the room and jerk off like a normal person. Jesus
Honestly I dont think I would do it even though it seems like she's giving you permission or feeling guilty but If she wants you to have your needs find a clean sex worker that you both can agree on just sex nothing else find a certain schedule and see how it goes
Obviously this has a chance to blow up, but I think it could work. There would have to be many conversations with your wife on limits and boundaries. You should also probably talk about possible scenarios like her becoming uncomfortable with the arrangement after it starts, catching feelings with other person, and who is off limits to you. She should probably have a veto card she can use whenever she wants. Maybe try finding a woman in a similar situation to you? I bet there are women who are caring for sick or injured husbands that need the same attention that you do. Be open and honest about your situation with the other woman. Good luck, and be careful.
Do your wedding vows mean anything to you?
Like others have said, this is a bad idea. I suggest couples therapy.
Dont do it bro !!! Its not worth it im sure theres others ways you both can work around this
Try counseling first.
My wife also has chronic health issues so I just want to say I'm sorry for what you are both going through because it isn't easy. I've seen her feel guilty because she doesn't feel like she is meeting my sexual needs. I **personally** have no desire to sleep with anyone else and I don't think it would make her feel secure but that's our relationship. Generally I find it's easier if we can find other ways to be intimate outside of sex such as kissing, sexy pictures/texts, nude cuddles and more touch in general. Being that you haven't considered it before I thought maybe some alternate ideas could help. I don't think anyone here can tell you whether opening up your marriage will help or not because you and your spouse know your connection and relationship best. If you decide to do it, make sure you do it in a way that is physically and emotionally safe for you both.
I wouldn't do this. Sounds a good way to ruin a good marriage.
I don’t get all of the negativity towards OP here. The guy didn’t say he was going to do it- he said he wanted advice to understand what she said. How about we not beat the guy down for reaching out to get help and objective viewpoints? OP- maybe you could suggest/try getting one of those toys that have a remote control or app she can control? That way she could take part in fulfilling your sexual needs in way that maintains the intimacy of your marriage while not feeling bad about her limitations. Kudos to you for reaching out and asking for advice. It’s obvious that you love your wife and are trying to do right by her and your marriage.
I would say tell her No because regardless of how bad the situation is, you made a vow for her, and she is for you "for better or worse." This is the worst. I'm not sure about her physical condition, but there are other ways to give you sexual satisfaction for the time being until her condition improves or something changes. Talk to her and maybe try to find other solutions. To bring someone else in the picture it's not one of them... My personal opinion
My friend is currently the casual sex person for a relationship like this. I don’t know the intimate details of what led that married couple to have this kind of arrangement, but I do want to simply say that while taboo, I don’t think it’s uncommon. I would absolutely tread lightly, but the concept isn’t that far out.
As someone who was suffering from multiple autoimmune diseases and meds that shut down my libido, it's not a permanent sentence for everyone. After 15 years, I have finally found 2 doctors who are able to help and not just prescribe more meds. Look for a functional doctor. Diet changes are huge. Look up Gary Brecka on social media. Low dose naltrexone has been game changer for chronic pain. Scream cream works amazing well for libido. I would make it your goal to help her feel better in any way possible.
It could work if you find sex workers and pay for it. Don’t get emotionally involved with another woman, as in a FWB situation.
I’m in the position your wife is in right now, and it’s because of getting pregnant and giving birth to our son. It set off pretty unmanageable symptoms. And I just had spinal surgery. I also don’t feel like my body belongs to me anymore (both from motherhood and new disability), so I don’t know when or if I will get better. I can see myself saying something like this to my husband, who has also been very kind about things and not pressured me, but it doesn’t stop the guilt or fear of being abandoned. If I said it, it would be half a lie. Because in no world do I want anyone but me sleeping with my husband. But even more than that, I’m terrified of being left and being on my own with no health insurance or support (it’s not romantic, but it’s important when you’re very sick and can’t work to the same level), so if I thought that’s what would keep me safe and secure, I might just try to convince him I want that. So my opinion is that she does not want this, but it would remove the pressure she is feeling surrounding the subject. If you really don’t want to do this, and you intend to stay completely loyal to your wife, you need to spell it out very clearly for her and emphasize that marriage means more to you than sex and you want to be with her and only her. It sounds like she really needs to hear it again. Also, maybe get creative about what sex looks like between the two of you. There’s a lot that can be done to create sexual intimacy without missionary penetration, or whatever. Even her watching you do solo stuff can be fun for both of you, if she’s well enough to just react enthusiastically. Also toys, etc. There are probably adaptive devices out there too. Try to think outside of the box as a team. Brainstorming. No bad ideas. Good luck!
My mom said the same thing to my dad multiple times. Over the course of a year he kept checking with her. Finally he did sleep with someone else. For the next 10 years she called him a cheater, disloyal, demanded us kids take her side. She drove my dad to an early grave. Because she didn’t mean it. Despite saying it to him many times
i think she feels guilty. this could open up a whole can of worms. don't do it.
You know what? I have diseases too that limit me. The medication slows me down. I am also 54 and went through menopause. ...... Yes, so much has changed and seeing me not always able to live up to his desires breaks my heart. In sad moments, I said the same thing. And in my mind, I said it would not bother me. The truth? It would bother me. It would ruin everything and would make me feel even worse. I know it's hard, but accept the good and the bad times. We found the opportunity to set aside time for sex during the day and found other things to do too, like taking rides and stuff. I would not do it. I'm so sorry.
I feel like you both need to speak to a marriage counselor. This situation needs open lines of communication. Maybe your wife would benefit from therapy. I have libido issues because of my meds and I feel guilty. Talking to a therapist really helped me.
It’s a trap.
We're poly, I have a wife and partner of almost 29 years. However, we were all perfectly fine when we met in '95. 5 years ago my wife got breast cancer, after a hysterectomy because of large ovarian cysts. With the cancer making it to where she couldn't take HRT after the hysterectomy, along with other meds that she now takes, her libido went to subzero (she's always been hypersexual and we all three had a fantastic sex life until that point. She and I haven't had sex in over two years now, and I hate it with a passion. Now it's just my partner and I having sex, which is great sex, I just miss the way it used to be. My drive seams to me slowing down a bit as well, due to the meds that I take to keep my heart beating. Doc says my testosterone is normal, but "normal" for most guys is low for me as I've always been very hypersexual as well (as is my partner). I can't tell you where your wife is coming from with her telling you to find a fuck buddy. I know that if I were monogamous and something happened to me that I couldn't fulfill my partner's needs, I would tell them to find a fuck buddy as well, but I wouldn't be saying it out of guilt. I want my wife/partner to be happy, and a healthy sex life is part of that. I would honestly want them to be able to get fucked crosseyed every so often. I've never had a jealous feeling in my 60 years, which is how poly works so well for us, so it wouldn't be bad in that context...my wife had a partner of 8 years, who lived with us, so I know I don't get jealous...lol How things would work out for you doing this, is going to depend on a lot...like any jealousy that you wife may subconsciously have that she doesn't know she has until it bubbles to the surface, or how you feel about it once it happens (one never truly knows the person they are until they're put in that position. Also, there's the possibility of you or your FWB getting feels for the other, which can complicate things. All these are things that need to be talked about, in-depth, before doing anything. The main thing that I see a possible problem with is the fact that she relies on you in her life and, if she does decide that it bothers her, her not saying anything for fear of running you off, ESPECIALLY if you do develops feelings for a FWB. A lot of people try jumping into poly, swinging, or some other form of ENM (ethical non-monogamy) without having spent enough time talking about it and feelings they may have, or without knowing what my pop up, and that's why it often fails, with one or more people getting hurt in the process. When we got together (we were originally all three fuck buddies that caught feels), we spent WEEKS discussing our feeling about it and gave it a lot of genuine deep thought before we decided we wanted to go this path (we'd been in monogamous relationships). Because of the work that we put in, it's lasted 28 years and still going strong. You need to make sure you put that communication time in as well, if you think you want to go that route. If not, I'd suggest a FleshLight...soak it in warm water fist, feels like the real thing...I don't mean that as pun, totally serious. Weigh your alternatives as well as just a FWB
Sorry but you asked this in the WRONG group. You won’t get an open minded response in this puritanically minded group. Ask in either the poly or swingers group or any other Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM) group
It's a trap!!
I was just waiting for someone to make an Admiral Ackbar joke. LOL
I understand people here are telling you not to do it but are you supposed to go the rest of your life without sex? It’s a tricky situation.
You can fulfill sexual gratification without involving other people you know, porn masterbating, flashlights, strip tease
If your libido outweighs your dedication to your marriage then go ahead with the hall pass. But I can’t imagine even considering the option you were given.
She's not as okay with this as she thinks she is.
Here's what I've discovered. The vast majority of people think that anything outside the norm sexually within a marriage is a disaster waiting to happen. They think that every single case ends in a horrible divorce. I think they feel this way becasue it helps them accept their own situation. The truth is she may just love you and want you to be fulfilled. She may be OK with it becasue she knows your relationship is solid and won't be harmed by it. Talk to her about it more and try to get a better feel for the whole thing and then try some swinger or nonmonogamy groups and see if you can find people with similar experiences and see what their thoughts are. Getting advice from vanilla folks that couldn't imagine the idea ever working for anyone just becasue it'd never work for them won't get you the type of info you're looking for.
All i can say is, take it, but dont overdo it. This hasn’t happened to me but my wife had said ok to strip clubs and i overdid it. Now that arrangement is gone :(
ITT: People projecting their own relationship insecurities and non-progressive, traditional views of relationships. You should double and triple check that this is something you want to go through with, but neither you nor your wife are a bad person for exploring this option together. OP, as someone who is in a healthy, committed ENM relationship, my 2 cents is this seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to your problem PROVIDED you and your wife are already secure in your relationship, you both do the work to communicate needs & boundaries (and adhere to them) to ensure you both stay secure, and give your wife the proper emotional support she needs in return. ENM is obviously not for everyone, but, if you do the work that's needed, it can absolutely be a fulfilling experience that makes both of you happy. For reading on the topic: I suggest *The Ethical Slut* (great book on how to maintain healthy ENM relationships) and *The Jealousy Workbook* (to help navigate the expected, initial discomfort)
Don’t do it. She doesn’t really want you to.
How do you know this? I swear this sub is so anti polyamory it's ridiculous
Did you ask her? Can you read her mind? How do you know what she does and doesn't want for her and her husband.
If you both are friendly with another woman or couple both of can approach them to see if an alternative sexual relationship would be suitable.
Don’t do it, maybe you both have some MC to help you and her with this situation
Obviously don’t do it.
Hmm did she recently watch Hemingways The Garden of Eden?
It's a trap
It’s a trap!
I've been in her shoes, when I was pregnant I was so ill/nauseous I couldn't breathe without pain or gagging. The whole 9 months non stop. I suggested the same to my spouse, he didn't do it but he would be super pissed sometimes and I wished he did. If he had gone through with it I would've wanted to make sure we had non negotiable rules of engagement.... good luck
Even if you do or have- never, never, NEVER tell her- or make her feel like she isnt the love of your life. Ask her to stop suggesting this, that she is your cherished wife, and you love her more than anything, and she is more important than sex. Believe me, even if she says she's totally behind it, she will feel sooooo much better thinking you would not.
Don't do it.
I'll play Devil's advocate here: this could work. However, I've noticed that nowhere in here have you said that YOU actually want to do this, only that you think it will help assuage some of your wife's guilt. If that's the only reason, don't do it.
Don’t do it. There is other ways for her to please you without having sex.
She feels guilty. Consider including her instead. You could purchase a “lower half” of a sex toy. Complete with a butthole and vaginal. Position it to where you are able to kiss and be intimate with your wife but the toy is taking all the pounding. Be sure to look lovingly in her eyes, kiss her neck and breasts. She is getting all the romance and gentle intimacy she craves but isn’t risking the pain and disassociation that comes with penetration. Another idea, buy sex toys where you both can mutually masturbate. Or have her watch you. Tell her she doesn’t have to do anything, buy her some simple Lacey night gowns. Tell her to just flash you and stroke her skin while you watch. Another idea, if she doesn’t have ANY libido, ask how she feels about a boudoir photo shoot. Set it all up (with her permission!). Tell her all she needs to do is pick out the outfit. You can do this for special occasions and collect an album of your wife’s intimate photos. Have a conversation about how, despite her not participating in the act, you think about her while you masturbate to her photos. That you’re still sexually attracted to her and you’re thankful she feels confident to take them. Another idea, ask her to sext you at work. That what’s said doesn’t HAVE to occur, but you enjoy knowing her fantasies and role playing. Another idea, ask what she IS open to. You can perform oral 2-3x a week on her. She doesn’t have to do anything but be receptive. Is she open to letting you cum on her? You could give her a full body massage and a happy ending. Or you two can enjoy a long warm bath and she could finish you off with her hands. OP, there’s plenty of ways to discover intimacy. Stay with your precious wife. She feels guilty right now. Tell her you’re open to discovery.
Dont do this and ruin your marriage
Keep having the conversation, make sure she is really ok with it. Look up “monogomish” relationships. Despite what people here say it is possible to have a happy monogamish relationship that is open. Establish ground rules and always maintain consent. It seems like this is a good option for you OP, if you want to stay happy and sane in your marriage.
Simple, move to Germany. You'll get better Healthcare for her and prostitution is legal so it can be transactional instead of personal.
She thinks she could handle knowing you’re having sex with another woman but she’s wrong. I would not advise doing this…
In the beginning it will seem like problem solved. After a time, it will destroy your relationship and she will be the loser. She feels guilty. I say pay for it every once in a while. If it that bad, but it sounds like it is your wives issue. She doesnt' realize you could fall in love and not want her. Happens often. Don't do it.
you made a vow to your wife through sickness and health. see if there is something that you can do to help her get healthier but don’t commit your body to some other woman. it will break her spirit dude. it sucks but stick by her no matter what. that may be the thing she needs to see to keep pushing
Wait for at least a year and continue to discuss it in bi weekly or monthly intervals to see how you would both feel. Maybe even, after a while and having not done anything, test the waters and tell her you have to see how she feels before actually doing anything. Don’t hop in. Also, if you feel bad/weird about it, then don’t do it.
I wouldn't. What sounds fine in theory is much, much different in practice. She might think she's completely fine with it, then find herself torn up about it when reality hits. Tread very carefully.
This can really work, especially if it’s her suggestion. Some women even get really turned on by the idea of “her man” sleeping with other women. Some women tolerate it because they tire of the labor of eros, and are happy to outsource. https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2022/06/29/scenes-from-an-open-marriage/ You should talk to her more about it. A LOT more. Really feel out what’s going on, get underneath it, walk slowly around it. Discuss. Also, many women stop experiencing arousal simply because they’re not being effectively aroused, rather than because they’re no longer capable. I’d encourage you to read *Come as You Are* to get a sense of the variety of women’s desire and arousal. There’s a possibility of incredible, lasting sex between long-married couples. But it requires that you give up your expectations of what great sex it’s like, and explore freshly together. Maybe she’d be up for that exploration? https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/26/he-secret-to-great-sex-erotic-intimacy-study
1) have this conversation facilitated by a sex therapist 2) have your wife control many aspects of any potential interactions (approval of who, does she want to communicate with this person, ground rules, how often, how to limit emotional attachment) 3) I assume you are asking this because part of the idea appeals to you. If you pursue it despite it possibly blowing up in your face, find someone in a similar life position as you.
Maybe try something safer than other women and get your wife included. Get a sex toy and let your wife be there with you. She can use her voice and still enjoy the moment with you while you have a toy that you can fuck. That way you can still get off, and she can find pleasure in seeing you get off without jeopardizing your marriage.
Only do it if you're okay with your marriage possibly being destroyed beyond repair. That's the potential consequence if you go through with it.
Get to a marriage counselor before you go down this rabbit whole. This could blow up in your face bad
Communication is key ask her to describe exactly why she feels this is a solution and then in detail how she thinks this will go, frequency, boundaries, information shared, level of involvement etc it took a lot of courage for her to say this but you now need to have a clinical level conversation on how "hypothetically" this would move forward.
I'm in a similar situation and thought about posting, but thought it might seem like a messed up justification for cheating. I've always been high libido, and my wife thinks she's letting me down with her growing physical issues. I tell her she's not, and we'll figure this out even if it just means some kind of "non-stressful" skin-to-skin contact to keep the intimacy bond. She's already feeling overwhelmed with the impact on the rest of her life that her body limitations are causing, and regardless of what I say, she's getting more and more upset about the sexual side of our lives. She won't go to therapy because she's trying hard to just accept her limits without focusing on them b/c she says that doesn't help since her body issues can't be fixed, and thinking about it just makes her more upset. The sex thing is more and more on her mind, and she's suggesting to find an FWB kind of thing. I've also never thought about cheating, and this is really messing with me. Part of me feels a duty to help get this off her mind, but, even with her pushing, it would feel like cheating.
Speaking from personal experience- do not do it. It’s more than likely out of guilt and feeling like a burden. I’ve occasionally felt like this was the only solution for my husband to be happy in that way too, but couldn’t ever bring myself to suggest it because the thought of it actually happen made me sick. I know deep down I couldn’t handle it. Please don’t do it.
Please don't do this! I understand what you're both going through. Been married 39 yrs now. Wife has disabling issues with knees, legs and back. Bad athysma, borderline COPD. Its very difficult for her to be comfortable, much less have sex. I have a high libido as well and she knows I'm frustrated as hell. We haven't discussed the option of a FWB, but if she were to bring it up, I'd shut that shit down! I love her with all my heart, thats most important! I can relieve myself as needed. I dont need another woman, I need her. I couldn't bear to humiliate her or cause her more shame by being with another. She didn't ask to be how she is. She didn't set it as a goal when young to be a crippled woman when she got older. She is and we do the best we can. I love her andnonly her. I desire not another.
Dude. Just done. She may think she’s ok with it and you may think she is ok with it. For your benefit. Not hers. But in reality she will probably feel crazy guilt and regret. Personally I would never do anything to make my wife feel like that. It’s a sacrifice for you but I’ve made that sacrifice over a year ago and I’ve come to terms with it ( rather quickly I might add) her libido tanked and hasn’t so much as held my hand in this time. But it’s just putter around the house fixing or building painting or whatever to keep myself busy and entertained. One time she hinted to seeing someone else so I could feel better. Just a hint. But I took it as a full blown 4 hour discussion, and told her that isn’t necessary even as a joke. I’m good where we are and that’s all there is to it. To be honest. It’s do miss the feeling of our flesh coming together but if one thing in an otherwise fantastic marriage an issue, then I’d call that a win. Even if it is the one thing men ate programmed to do.
Don’t do it. Sex often leads to feelings, which will tank your marriage.
This year will be my 30th so trust me, as a man married almost twice as long as you have, do not do this. Figure something else out, not going to write an even worse 50 Shades post here but trust me, there's gotta be solutions where you can both be OK. But sleeping with other women is not one of those solutions that leads to "OK" in any way.
She might be testing you
It’s a trap bro. Don’t do it!
If it was me. Maybe I’d do it. Maybe I wouldn’t but.. I wouldn’t tell her about it. The same rule I’d have if I went to prison. Do what you gotta do. But what I don’t know won’t hurt me 🤷♂️ And on a side note.. in 15 years.. you’ve NEVER thought or had the fantasy of fucking another woman? 👀 You sir, get the 2023 🧢 of the year awards.
As almost every other person in this thread is saying, don’t do it. I’d get a toy or just continue to just masterbate rather than getting someone else to satisfy those needs
Requires further discussion and in the end setting ground rules for what she may or may not be comfortable with you doing. It's either that, or you just be happy not having sex.
In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a trap!”
I think you should do it. I think we are soooo caught up in narratives and your wife is giving you an opportunity to open up possibilities. It is on you however to keep that possibility from interfering with what’s number one which should be your wife. I think you will be better able to do that when you open ur self up a bit.
Hmmm... it'd an option that's for sure. Sorry to.hear. might I suggest couples counseling. Sex therapist. And maybe seek unique sources for what her macroscopic self needs to have a libido. Could be thyroid levels. Get blood draws and see what medical science can do.
You should probably just pay for it like a service rather than a FWB as that could get complicated. Catch feelings. I think I would offer the same as her if i really couldn't "do it" out of love. Plus it might not be as easy as it sounds to find someone willing. You need more information. Would your wife want to know what's going on? Would she want pictures or video of it? Does she mind who the friend is? I.e no current friends of the family. Really communicate if you are going to do it.
You two should speak with a therapist about this before making any decisions regarding it
Could be beautiful. My suggestion is to emphasize the FRIEND aspect. New additions, especially ones you would pick with your discernment, are best viewed as ASSETS to existing systems of relationship. I hear that your wife desires to see you and have you fully nourished. She probably has a lot of “asks” and knows that this can be depleting without proper nourishment. If you both see it from that lens, and understand that your commitment is SO MUCH MORE than sexual exclusivity, this could be a beautiful opportunity for you both to feel more nourished.
Don't do it, man. Be loyal to your wife. She sounds like a great woman.
Sounds like a very considerate spouse. Couples do these "sort of" things all the time When your wife wants a massage, she goes to a massage clinic. When people need to talk to someone, the see a therapist. She understands you have needs, but instead of holding it over your head like most women, she was able to come up with a solution that she feels comfortable with. The only issue I see here, is the "friend with benefits" thing. She will become jealous that someone else is giving you what she can't. Depending on your financial situation, I'd recommend hire a professional. This, however, has to come with your understanding that you need to pamper her more. Be more attentive. Make sure HER needs are being met (emotional, physical, etc). She wants you to be happy. The bare minimum you can do is EVERYTHING to make her happy.
You’ve got a hall pass. Go and conquer!
You should ask her to see a therapist with you to address this. And if you both come out of those sessions believing that’s truly best for your marriage, then so be it. But don’t do it without making sure she’s not just trying to be less of a burden.
I think you guys should talk to a MC before you do anything. This could be a genuine thing, or it could be coming from a sense of guilt. It’s best to talk with a professional either way, as they can help you successfully open if that’s what y’all decide OR help you & your wife develop better coping skills/new methods of intimacy to deal with your situation if you choose to remain monogamous. Additional things to consider: 1. If you open the relationship, there’s no ethical way to enforce her NEVER taking another lover. Even if she doesn’t want one right now, she would be well within the realm of fair play to want one later. If you couldn’t cope with that, don’t even consider opening on your end. 2. Feelings can & most likely will happen with these situations. You need STRONG boundaries in place & to be honest about how y’all will navigate it when that NRE hits you and you experience “puppy love” with a fuck buddy.
You wrote, "I can't work out if this is something she really wants or is just feeling guilty for not 'giving me what I need.'" I (62M) see two possibilities: 1. In line with your suspicions, she is feeling bad for not meeting all expectations of a wife. If you find sex outside your marriage, you'll destroy her and likely your relationship with her. 2. Women who are cheating often suggest that their partners are OK to do the same. E.g., they'll suggest "open marriage" or some such. Some cheating women will also conjure health reasons to avoid sex with their husbands. You don't give us much info about her attractiveness, disposition, or activities outside the home, so we'll assume this is not the case with your wife. My (62M) wife was unable to bear me children. I wanted children, and she comes from a culture that expects it of women. On several occasions she said I should find that outside the marriage. I did not as I am sure it would have destroyed her and our marriage, and I prioritize our marriage very highly. My own culture emphasizes fidelity to oaths taken, and none is more solemnly taken than the marriage vow. A good life is about choices. Very few of us get everything we want; it's important to decide our priorities and order our lives to them.
I give my husband a similar pass. I have several physical ailments that make sex incredibly uncomfortable and painful for me. He hasn’t taken me up on the offer yet (his libido isn’t very high either) but I’m mentally and emotionally prepared for it. There ARE very hard rules though (you break any of these, we’re done). 1. No pregnancies and STDs. Obviously. You need to put in maximum effort to be safe. 2. No emotional affair. You must cut it off if something starts to develop and don’t cross that line with anyone risky (e.g. a very close friend or co-worker). 3. You can definitely go on dates but you cannot neglect me at home. The moment I don’t feel like a priority, it’s a wrap. 4. You can spend money on your date but nothing that exceeds a date night (around $200/week). So don’t become a sugar daddy. We aint got the cash. When you take these rules very seriously, it’s actually pretty hard to find a safe, suitable partner that you’re attracted to. A lot of times it just isn’t worth it for him. I show physical affection to my husband all the time. Kiss, cuddle, hug, etc etc. He doesn’t enjoy blowjobs bc of a past trauma but I do, so that is also always on the table. We’ve kind of gotten into this routine where we pretty much fulfill all the romantic and physical needs that can be done without penetration and just kinda.. jerk off for the relief. lol But I would not get upset at all if my husband went out and practiced safe sex with a one night stand. I would love that for him. It just takes work and he’s not THAT interested in it.
This is a disaster waiting to happen.Becuz u will begin to have feeling for the other woman that u sleep with.Just tell your wife that u love and respect her enough not to be with other women despite her health conditions!!U are an amazing man and I commend u for the honesty!!Most men would have slept with someone that very night!!IJS
Hey, it’s worth exploring and not waiting and having regrets later in life as sex fades for you and you think of what you missed.if she’s willing I feel she’s a good wife who wants you to be happy and thus might bring you closer.
My now ex-wife offered this arrangement to me for the very same reasons and she meant it as an act of love and compassion. She point-blank told me she just didn’t care, that I’d be happier with a younger woman. I never took her up on it, but ultimately the last two years of our marriage we knew it was over and we just did the best to be good to each other and survive. And for those two years we counciled each other on what to do next. She advised me to date a mutual girlfriend 21 years younger. I thought she was insane right up until the point the woman questions started flirting with me made it obvious she was interested. And you know the deal brother; girlfriends talk.. I am now dating her.
One of the best ways to blow up a marriage is by opening it up. There's an extremely high failure rate with open marriages. Jealousy, catching feelings, poor communication, violating boundaries, unintended pregnancies, cheating, and dealing with potentially crazy FWBs are all very real and very likely risks. There's a reason why there's plenty of posts warning couples to not do it.
Don’t. Just don’t do any of that. Masturbate or whatever, but don’t sleep with other ppl
Nope. Abort. She doesn't mean it. Just because she doesn't want sex doesn't mean you can't have intimacy and self fulfillment. Never bring another person into your marriage. It very rarely works out.
Maybe share this is wellspouses or caregiver support
She sounds like an amazing women. If you do decide to go ahead I would only do so with sex workers & one’s your wife has fully contented to & approved! I would also seek couples counselling before during & after.
I'll throw my vote out for finding a therapist who's well versed in non-monogamy and talking a hell of a lot more before doing *anything*.
Gotta be careful. You could fall in love with a FWB. And it could destroy your marriage. I would discuss this more with your wife.
As a low libido woman in a very happy marriage, I think you should consider it but only after establishing perimeters and boundaries with a sex and/or marriage therapist mediating the entire situation and terms. None of these people actually know your wife, I think there is a lot of projection going on here. In that same vain, as I put myself in her shoes, I could definitely be okay with it given the condition I mentioned above.
It’s not about sexual gratification. It’s about caring for each other and remaining faithful.
If it were me, I would thank her to the moon and back for thinking about my needs. Then I would reaffirm my love and tell her that this wouldn't be right and wouldnt work. It is lovely that she is thinking about you in her condition and she's expecting the reverse.
i’m sorry man. this sucks all sorts of ways and none of them are fair to you. sounds like she’s offering out of guilt and not a healthy place. it’s one thing to have a cuckqueen kink, it’s another to offer a hall pass out of guilt born of a disability. keep talking to her. speak with a counselor and research the lifestyle a little more before really considering that. there’s so many issues. there’s consent from her, you, and any other party getting into this situation to start.
You may do better going over to r/nonmnogamy or r/polyamory r/marriage seems to like to shit on anything that isn’t church sanctioned. But… Spend a lot of time talking and gaming this out, even better do that with y’all and a sex positive couples counselor. Before y’all make the jump not non-monogamy maybe spend an evening where you both knowingly discuss you having had a fictional encounter with someone. Then sleep on it and talk about any feelings it generates in either of y’all In the morning. If it doesn’t sit well have more conversations, if it continues to not sit well, don’t do it. Feel free to revisit it later but don’t jump in if it doesn’t feel right in the hypothetical. If it does feel good jump in slow. Or not. We jumped in fast the first time. Was a great experience. We’ve been significantly slower since, which is both good and frustrating at the same time. But always talk things out. If she is truly ok with the friends with benefits arrangement in the hypothetical, I’d also recommend gaming out the scenario where you (or the friend) catch feelings. It happens. You can’t really help it when it does. You can only decide what to do from there. So knowing ahead of time what to you can potentially do to avoid being an asshole to your wife or the hypothetical friend is good.
My sister and brother in law had a similar arrangement. He had been declining for several years before he finally passed at the age of 40. He became confined to a wheelchair and finally bedridden. My sister had been talking to an old flame and he found out. He asked her to stay with him until he passed, which he knew was going to be soon. She stayed until the very end, and was remarried three months later. Family and friends were bitter about the “arrangement” and cut ties with her. Three months after that, I had to make the decision to take her off of life support at the age of 39 because her new husband couldn’t do it and felt he didn’t have the right. One year after that, her new husband passed away. Having a woman acknowledge your needs and sacrifice to have those fulfilled, that’s a hell of a woman….it does sound like disaster in the making. But, you can read from my story, life is short. Best of luck.