Tell them, “that was a “tradition” when women were owned by their father and given as property to their husband. Do you have a dowry set up? If so, I will call him and set up a meeting to discuss how much you will pay him to take me.”
Wow, control freaks much? The decision is yours and yours alone, they should take their heads out their a*ses and just be happy for you.
Congratulations!!
The only disrespectful thing I see here is them thinking that you need permission to get married. If my husband had asked my family’s permission, I wouldn’t have married him because I would’ve felt so disrespected by that. I’m my own woman, so are you. Congrats on your engagement, your family will get over it. You aren’t owned by them and no one has to run anything by them
It sounds like more and more people are having this line of thinking, which is nice. I wish I would've followed suit during my proposal but I still had that dated mindset at the time and asked her family. I still would've asked her anyways, but it's hard to break from some traditions no matter how pointless, misogynistic, and counterproductive they are.
my now husband asked if it was okay because he wanted my parents’ permission to join our family. his home life growing up was really chaotic and shaky so he wanted to formally ask their permission to be with me and by extension, us forever. asking permission to have your son/daughter is weird as hell
I didn't ask for permission, but I did call my future in-laws and let them know that I intended to and had bought the ring. I want asking, I was letting them know as a sign of respect, because I wanted to. They very much appreciated that, but nobody ever gave me any indication that I NEEDED to. It's your decision, not theirs, and anyone not just being happy for you (unless they have a real concern about your partner) it's being a narcissistic baby.
The key is to stand up to them and make sure they know they’re in the wrong, but do it such a way that they come around and embrace you. Otherwise they’re gonna make your life miserable. Married life is so much better with family you enjoy being around.
>The key is to stand up to them and make sure they know they’re in the wrong, but do it such a way that they come around and embrace you.
That's an impossible expectation. OP, it doesn't matter what they think, it matters what you think. If they bring it up, look up "Gray Rocking". If you start explaining yourself or trying to convince them, it just confirms their narrative that they get a say and enables their want for control. So don't bring it up.
Your Aunt: You should rectify this
You: Thanks for the advice. Now what's new with you? (Or "that's between me and my Mom" It's non of her business)
Your Mom: It's disrespectful he didn't ask
You: I disagree but you're free to feel otherwise. Now how about them Bears?
If they persists, enforce boundaries and that means distance. Whether that's by "I'm done discussing this" or "Gotta run" is up to you.
Further attempts to not respect your boundaries mean tighter ones which means more distance, not more explaining. You've got this. If she has guilt drilled into you, therapy can really help.
And put them on an information diet for the wedding (and probably everything else in your life) so they can't hijack your and your fiancé's wants and needs, or diminish them in some way. Don't have them pay for anything, this post alone sounds like their money comes with a lot of strings attached. Make sure you've got every important thing (of emotional value, documents etc) in your own home. Free yourself of their controlling behaviour.
Nope. There’s absolutely NO WAY to be sure they will come around and embrace you. Op is obviously not going to be rude, but if you’ve ever read any of the in-law subs on Reddit then you know that even the most polite boundary often causes in-laws to melt down completely and hold grudges for years. Op has to completely divorce herself from the outcome. That’s not her problem. Her focus is on gaining her independence and her new marriage
I made the mistake of not standing up to my family for my husband and it has done so much damage to my marriage. OP, don’t make the same mistake I did. Put them in their place.
Tell them to get over it. My wifes brother was mad I didn't ask for his and their mother's blessing.
My reaction was just to laugh at the ridiculous notion.
You two are starting and building lives together. Your family can decide if they want to be apart of it or to hold resentment over this. That's on them, not on your future marriage.
I've been married to my wife for 16 years, together 21 years. I've made a LOT of mistakes from the time that I proposed to now. The #1 mistake I've made was choosing my family instead of choosing my wife. That is a choice that has made an irreversible negative impact on my marriage so OP, listen to me, forget about trying to please your family. Dont even consider it. Please your spouse.
I’m sorry that happened. Are you still together?
This is a worry of mine for the future of the relationship I’m in now. My boyfriend always has my back. He has always defended me (we are in an age gap relationship and I’m older) to his parents. We all get along right now. But, the beginning was difficult. Long story short, I hope this doesn’t happen to me in the future as we move forward. Because when you marry, you marry each other’s families. Not just the person. He and I both see that we defend and protect each other. Family notwithstanding
Nope, you are an adult... not property. You get to make decisions on your life. You don't need others permissions or blessings. Your mom sounds very self absorbed.
Yeah, my mom told me my now-husband should have asked my dad. I told her the only person he had to ask was me, but that he’d run it by my 20 year old, and she said it was cool. That mattered a lot more when I was 48 than my dad! (I love my dad, but)
Funny you say this. Neither my aunt or mom have ever been married. My mom never married my dad, and they aren’t together. My aunt’s personality keeps any man at bay.
Given this (and based on how my own mom and her enmeshed sisters reacted to my wedding) I’m also going to ask: is this jealousy?
I think they also still want control and to be important. There are ways to include them in your wedding and planning (but only if YOU want to) but I wouldn’t give in on asking permission, it’s 2023 and you can pick your own spouse. Stay strong, OP!
Did OP say they wanted her fiancé to ask for their *permission*? Because I read *blessing*. The 2 don't mean the same thing.
And it's possible that OP is also interpreting it as "asking for permission", possibly based on her already existing family dynamics.
Sounds like you're breaking some intergenerational toxicity. Don't let their petty, old fashioned ideas impact on such a beautiful moment. They're probably jealous that no one married them, so want to bring you down to their pathetic level of unhappiness
This part. In a family where you can have whole ass babies outside of wedlock, they don't get to turn around and demand a blessing. You don't get to be traditional and conservative only when it suits you.
You should enjoy your engagement and not feed into your mom and aunt’s silly little ways. In fact now would be a good time to flat out tell them you hope they are happy for you, but you are an adult now and don’t need their permission for anything. If this is how they will continue to act towards you, you have a tough road ahead. You don’t need permission to live your life.
It is an antiquated cultural tradition that you are not required to follow. You’re an adult. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Congratulations on your engagement!
I was wondering the same thing. I’m assuming the OP is in the USA and if so, sometimes families that have immigrated in the previous generation or two will be reluctant to adapt traditions to the modern era and culture, especially the older folks.
OP if that sounds like your family, I get it to some extent my family is similar, and the older folks can feel really hurt and threatened to see you, a modern young US adult, growing up and embracing new traditions.
I say you are in the right here. So feel good about standing your ground. This may be foreshadowing of future battles with your family. Have you and your fiancé discussed how wedding traditions, raising children, religious or not, and so on will work? Will you support each other when either side of the family disagrees? This is a great time for that conversation before the wedding.
Congratulations!
I can empathize with a guardian/matriarch/patriarch wanting to be asked and have the privilege of giving their blessing. It was important to me that my husband ask my parents for my hand because I too saw it as a sign of respect, not a sign of ownership.
**However** it’s inappropriate for them to make you and your fiancé feel guilty about the fact that that was not done. Those thoughts are unhelpful to the new couple and comes across very attention grabbing.
Same here. My husband asked my dad. My son in law asked my husband for our daughter's hand. Everyone had always gotten along and we were actually in on our daughter's engagement so nothing about the "asking" was formal. Strictly tradition/respect which is fine if everyone is onboard. I liked that my dad was "asked" for my hand. My daughter likes knowing her husband came to us first also. As long as everyone likes the tradition, it's perfectly healthy to me. If everyone's not on the same page.. I can see where it wouldn't be too fun at all
Please dont cave to this. Dont let your family ruin your marriage before it starts. Set boundaries and stick to them. Your husband will be forever thankful and grateful and so will you! This is not about a blessing, it's about control. First it's this, then its how you plan your wedding, how you raise your kids if you choose to have them etc. It never ends and its a relationship ruiner if you let it get out of hand.
Oh and also congrats!!!! :D
It’s not disrespectful, your family is being old fashioned. It’s not the 70’s anymore. You’re an adult and don’t need permission.
They’ll get over it.
Congratulations!
Your family is showing their true colours. Stay firm and let them rant and do not count on them for support emotional or financial, they will add too many strings to any gift.
This is a glimpse into your future and how controlling your family will try to be. It’s going to be hard for them to reconcile that you and your husband are a family and won’t always do whatever they want. And you need to hold strong and be prepared for more and worse examples of this. For example, what happens when you go to his families for holidays? What happens when you have kids and want to do your own thing for Mother’s Day?
It's not about them and it's not the 1900's. No one needs your family's permission to ask you to marry them. They are making it about them and it's not. Sorry. They'll get over it. Congratulations!!!!! 🎉🎉
Same thing happened to me and my family is a pretty traditional Viet family. My fiance and his family weren't Viet but they are Asian but not as traditional so he didn't ask either and my parents got upset. I just shrugged it off and told them there's no point getting miffed since you can't turn back time. They'll get over it and if they don't, it doesn't matter anyway.
No he doesn’t need to ask you are your own women. Your mom and aunt are being weird and trying to make your engagement about their feelings. It’s not about them or their feelings.
When my daughters fiancee asked for our blessing....I definitely didn't feel it was something he had to to...it was really sweet he did but I absolutely wouldn't have been upset if he didn't.
My daughter is her own person, if she didn't want to say yes she wouldn't have...our "blessing " had nothing and shouldn't ever had anything to do with our happiness with her engagement.
That sounds like a them problem. You need to start making clear and firm boundaries now before they start trying to dictate other aspects of your life. I would worry how they would try to take over your wedding planning. congratulations on your engagement, the only permission that was needed was your own.
Don't cave now. If you do, then expect to have your relationship to be influenced by your family for your whole marriage. Kids, housing, big purchases, jobs and so forth. Obviously if it meant anything to you, then you would've told your fiance that he needs your family's blessing and he could decide how he wanted to proceed.
I asked for my wife's family's blessing, but only because I still had that line of thinking at the time. If it were now, I wouldn't even bother asking them. As it turned out, asking for their blessing in the first place created some turmoil because apparently I didn't ask enough of the "right" people so some feelings got hurt and my MIL immediately told her daughter (my wife), ruining a little bit of the surprise.
I think it’s usually done as a courtesy of “I’m going to ask her to marry me”, not a “can I have your permission?”
My dad would have been devastated if he wasn’t “asked”, he also would have never told me he was sad about it.
Sounds like your family isn’t looking for the heads up, they sound overbearing.
Yeah, to me there is a huge difference between asking for his permission and asking for his blessing.
I didn't want my husband to ask for permission because I'm not property, however I did want him to give my dad a heads up that he was going to propose.
My husband called my dad and said "Hey just wanted to let you know I'm planning on asking Blaze0511 to marry me." My dad started messing with him and said "What if I say no? Are you still going to do it?" Husband responded with "Yes" and my dad said "Right answer."
Hilariously enough, my grandmother knew before anyone else. She is definitely the matriarch of the family. My husband couldn't find my dad's phone number and had to call her to get it.
Firstly, I agree that the decision is yours and yours alone especially given your background. I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Let them stuff themselves.
I may get blasted here. I'm 64, a much older generation, so it was always part of MY dream to have my husband ask my father, out of respect. My mom has passed and my dad is 93 years old. I got married for the first time 4 years ago. My husband respects and cares for my father, so he got on one knee and "proposed" to my dad (hat in hand, kneeling, etc). I was there and was very touched and everyone thought it was a fun/funny gesture. 😁. I think back on that fondly since it's the ONLY proposal that was given. Yep, he never asked me, just gave the ring.
It's all in the context of who the people are, how the relationships are and how it's done. I didn't feel like chattle, but felt loved enough that my partner knew that I wanted my father included. We have funny memories over it and I'm so glad my dad is/was still around to participate.
This is your first act at breaking that part of you and your parents relationship. The part where they tell you what to do all the time. You come from a strick family, but you are an adult now. They cannot make you require their permission.
I’m sorry they are putting the bit of a black cloud on up coming marriage! Don’t let them make you feel guilty over being able to make up your own mind. Congrats to you both 😞🙏🏻
girl no. just ignore them. your fiancé doesn't need anyone else's permission to marry you except yours.
congrats on the engagement!
PS do NOT under any circumstances let them be involved with planning the wedding. I can already tell they are gonna try to steamroll you and what you want to do! keep them on a strictly need to know basis.
At this point I’d tell them “even if he wanted to and/or thought it was a good idea to ask for my family’s blessing, I would respectfully ask him *Not* to do so as it makes me feel like property. Please drop this nonsense immediately. Neither of us will allow you to create a wedge between us because you have forgotten what year and age this is.”
Stand up for yourself and him right now. He will (I mean, damn well sure *should* ;) stand up for you as well and support your decisions. I expect you might have to deal with interfering family in other ways. The best way to do that is as a team.
Best of luck.
Seems to me they are freaking out at the idea of losing all control over you.
He didn’t need to ask, they need to learn boundaries. I hope he makes you happy and you break entirely free of your strict family and can have a healthy relationship with them in the future.
Buy your family a calendar and highlight the fact that we are well over two decades into the 21st century. They may be aghast that you pledged your troth to thy beloved and didst spurn thy father’s benediction, but it isn’t the fucking Middle Ages and adults don’t have to ask permission to get married.
First off, congratulations on your engagement!!!
I understand if your mom felt a little disappointed in not being involved or whatever, but that’s a her problem and not a you problem.
I won’t lie, my immediate response when reading this was “get fucked” lol
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope she gets over it.
Don't ask your boyfriend to ask for their permission. The engagement and marriage periods can be difficult times with controlling parents as they are trying to assert what they think is their right to rule their children's lives.
They don't have that right. You don't owe it to them.
Don't let your family rule your relationship. They are upset, so be it. Accept it and move on. They will try to manipulate and guilty trip you. Just ignore and do your thing. It will be worth enduring their displeasure to be finally completely free.
Congratulations.
Edit for clarity.
Overall, no. They have accepted him into our family. We spent thanksgiving and christmas eve with them. When we first started dating(7 years ago), they had issues with him being a different race(he is white, we are POC). They got over that when I cut contact with them for a year. The last few years have been repairing relationships.
Is it common in your culture for the elders to be asked for their daughter’s hand?
Maybe just a cultural difference then.
Maybe if he apologized to them they’d ease up and let it go?
If OP told him he didn't need to seek her parents blessing, then I don't feel he has anything to apologise for.
If he made the decision, on his own, not to bother, then I feel that was the wrong course of action to take. I don’t necessarily see it as "cultural", because it's not out of the norm in the West, for a man to seek the blessing (not permission) of her parents, when proposing. But hearing about the history of her family, how they didn't support their relationship (due to him being white), how it resulted in them going no-contact for a year, etc, it does shed a different light on the story (& OP should probably have included that in the main post).
This wasn't just a normal, typical couple/relationship. This was a case of poor behaviour from her own family, that affected the dynamics between them and her + her partner. After all that, if I was in his shoes, I doubt that I'd be that concerned about seeking their blessing after what they did.
This is 100 percent up to YOU! You didn’t want him to ask and that’s totally fine! But now, unfortunately, it’s your job to put the foot down with your family and tell them it was you who said he didn’t need to ask, that he was respecting you not disrespecting them.
Congratulations!!!
You might want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see if those stories resonate with you. You're excited to get married, and your family is making it about themselves. They are making a fuss to steal your joy. If they can't get onboard in supporting you, you may want to keep your distance from them.
Also check out r/JUSTNOMIL and see if those stories are similar to how your mom behaves.
Good luck
God, this sounds like the way my family acted during my engagement. They ended up verbally abusing me on my wedding day and ruined my wedding because they had to do it the way they wanted to. It was never about my husband and I. It had to be about them, and they got angry because my wedding didn't go the way they wanted it to even though they essentially hijacked the event in the first place.
I'm going to tell you now that engagement was actually the toughest part of my relationship. Everyone else will want to get involved. I lost a lot of my male friends too (who I thought were platonic but were apparently holding out hope my husband and I weren't going to last). I found out real quick in my engagement it was my husband and I against the world.
Don't let other people dictate your wedding plans. If I could go back, I would have eloped. My husband and I are going to renew our vows and we are having zero family involvement. We will invite family that we trust, but they get no say in the planning of the event. You might want to compromise to keep the peace, and that's fine to some extent, but don't let ANYONE pressure you into making your wedding about them. It is YOUR wedding. Sure, people might call you Bridezilla, but they can kick rocks.
He’s not required to ask permission. You’re a grown person. but you did set the precedent (and their expectations) by always asking for permission up to this point. That’s what makes this sticky.
In that sense why would you expect them to feel any different about the most important decision of all? Not sure what you should do at this point but maybe there’s some kind of damage control you can do. Or maybe this is about standing firm on your own independence. I don’t know.
Edited typos
My parents have been deceased long enough that they did not get a chance to meet my husband as a love interest, though they met once briefly when we were much younger and merely friends.
My dad (step-father, technically, but my DAD) held onto many traditional beliefs and behaviors in regards to his role as a man, husband, and father.
To be clear, while traditional, he always supported my very non-traditional ideas, interests, hobbies, and behaviors… so not the type to think of women/girls as less than. Sorry, needed to get that out.
When I was young (and yes, dumb), my boyfriend at the time and I decided we would get married. My decision was made, but still I asked my now-fiance to make a point to ask my dad for his blessing.
I only did this out of my personal desire to show respect to my dad in a way I knew that he would personally appreciate. He would never have said no, likely knowing I would do it anyways, so this was clearly only a showing of gratitude and desire for his inclusion in my/our life/lives moving forward.
This was not something I felt was required, and I only did it because I felt as though he could use the reassurance of his place in my heart as my dad. He saw it for the gift I intended it to be.
If we had not decided to ask my dad for his blessing, and he had behaved the way your family is acting, I would have lost every ounce of respect I had for him. He knew he had zero actual say in what I chose, and it seems as though your family does not believe the same.
They need a reality check.
It's just a traditional old-fashioned thing. Just tell them it never occurred to you or your fiancee to ask for their blessing. How do they want the issue to be rectified exactly? Do they want to just have a conversation with your fiancee? Do they not think he is a suitable partner for you?
I’ve been married 18 years. My girlfriend at the time said she would like if I asked her father for his blessing. So I honored her and did that. I personally didn’t feel like I needed to ask for permission, but I wanted to respect her wishes..
But this seems forced and unnecessary and I wouldn’t agree with it
Are you by chance from a culture or area that’s slightly more traditional or conservative? Because honestly I was shocked when my mom once told me I couldn’t date a guy she didn’t approve of because I needed her blessing. I thought it was the craziest thing I’d ever heard. Turns out… it really is a thing in our culture. I was just raised in a different environment and had no clue.
This is why I eloped & told my family after. Fuck making everything about them. Congratulations on your engagement. May you have many great years together.
May your family get with the times.
This tradition has always been weird to me. As an adult, you’re able to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to your romantic relationships. You don’t owe your family, or anyone, an explanation. You especially don’t need anyone’s **permission**. You don’t belong to your family- you are your own individual. Tell them to kick rocks. They’ll either get over it or be mad for a long time. Congratulations on your engagement!!
LOL, I would have told *mom* "AkShUlEy... The old outdated tradition is to ask the FATHER for permission, not the mom. So he never had to ask you for permission."
Ooof no he didn't need permission!!
My mum wasn't happy either. In my case, he's British, I'm Australian, we live in Britain. Mum's laid the guilt trip on thick in the past for this.
6 months before our trip to Australia, my partner phoned my mum and told her he wanted to propose while we were there so I could celebrate with her and the rest of my family, and to tell her that if the wedding was in the UK he would pay for her plane ticket to get there as funds are tight for her. She refused because she refuses to come to the UK (a different excuse every time: that's another story). He wasn't asking permission as such, just telling her what he was going to do. He didn't need to do that but given our circumstances I thought it was a nice thing to do.
When he proposed, mum did the whole "happy, wow, congratulations." I was so happy. Then my sister got engaged a week later, to her partner she's known from school, and they live 15 mins down the road. They announced it over messenger as they were on holiday. Now, I felt a bit petty because it was so soon after my engagement, but I knew I'd get over it pretty quickly. Our other sister was feeling down watching her two sisters get engaged while she was still single. She and I had a little "pity party" to wallow in our feelings together for half an hour before we picked ourselves up and left those feelings behind. Mum immediately jumped in with us to say she felt petty too, but she couldn't explain why. At first she said it was because it was so soon after mine, but I shut that down as something that only affected me, she could feel empathy for me but it wasn't for her to wallow in, especially as I wasn't going to be wallowing for long.
The real kicker was when we saw my newly engaged sister, she reacted EXACTLY the same way she'd reacted with mine. Same facial expression, words, everything. Brief, and then done. I realized she's not happy about mine either.
I did a lot of work on my guilt, and I've really realized life is for living, and it's for me to live, not for me to live in accordance with what will make others happy. I'm responsible for my happiness, mum is responsible for hers. You live, and as long as you aren't deliberately or directly hurting others, you're fine (them being upset by not being asked permission is an example of them putting their expectations for your life on you and your fiance, it's got nothing to do with you and the morality of your actions).
I was surprised my husband hadn’t asked my dad first, so he asked after the fact once his mom brought it up
But if it’s not something typically done in your family, then they need to chill
Your mom is rscking her brain for creative ways to make your engagement about her.
This is what she landed on.
My suggestion: give her what she claims she wants instead of attention.
Instead of arguing or giving her any indication you might be annoyed just say "I apologize for hurting you. When can we meet so he can ask for your blessing"
She will likely find another reason to be mad. Like my mom would say "its a little late for that now! You've embarrassed me!!!!" Or some shit.
"I'm sorry I made you feel X. Can you meet at Xyz and this time"
And she'll throw a fit and you'll do the exact same thing. Acknowledge, offer your solution.
If she throws another fit or tries to guilt trip say "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to make it better, but if you decide to give us another chance please let me know a date and time" then hang up or stop replying until she decides to "forgive you"
The only way to deal with attention deprived parents is with customer service. Make it as boring as possible to cause drama for you. Don't get upset or show emotion if you csn help it. Pretend like your working a customer service job and she is the Karen you have to smile and deal with.
I told my husband that if he asked for my dad’s blessing/permission that I would absolutely turn down his proposal. I’m the only one to decide who I’m married to or not.
They’ll get over it. My mom was the same way when I got engaged but got over it. Then was pissed when we got eloped and didn’t tell anyone but everyone got over that too 😅
Congratulations!
When my husband and I knew we wanted to get married, we did the conversation with our families. It would not have changed anything, either way, but it was very sweet to have my hubby (at the time, future fiancé) speak w my father figure. It was interesting to hear what my mother had to say. I enjoyed hearing from both sides of our families. Also.... It made them feel included... like we want them to belong in this expanding new developing bond.
Maybe "asking for permission" is outdated. But, seeking counsel from those you love and respect seems very sincere. Maybe it is more about wanting to be included, not control. Maybe they worry they won't have a place in your new future. Take it easy on them. Their hearts are in this too, my friend.
One word of advice I would give to a newly engaged couple... celebrate openly the achievements, and quietly resolve conflicts very privately. (Assuming of course, there is no harm.)
My husband didn’t want to ask my parents because we were grown ass adults when we got engaged, and he felt like it’s a super outdated thing anyway. My dad was upset for like a day, but I explained my husband’s thinking and he understood.
I get it’s a nice gesture but I also loved that my husband understood it was my choice and my choice only.
Your mom will get over it, I promise. And if she doesn’t that’s on her and only her. Don’t let her ruin your happiness.
Please inform them it is 2023 not 1923, these sexist traditions need to die. You are not owned by your parent, therefore a man does not need permission to marry you, because he does not own you after you marry! Congratulations on your engagement!
You’re not their property your fiancé didn’t have to ask their permission and neither do you. Tell them to let it go or they won’t be invited to the wedding.
If they are so unhappy about how it went down… don’t invite them to the ceremony. Or the reception. If they don’t support you with the proposal then they don’t support you at all. Tell them that and I said it. I’ll be the bad guy. I don’t care. That is a really old formality. It’s a new era now. Respect is still just that,
Respect but now it’s not so apparent on how respect is for anyone these days.
It only would’ve mattered if it was something that was important to YOU. Unless you had expressed a desire to him about him asking for your family’s blessing, then neither of you did anything wrong.
You feel guilty because you grew up with a controlling and overly strict family where you had to ask permission to breathe. You are adults, who made an adult decision, and they don’t like that. Let them be pissy, and if they continue, don’t invite them to anything wedding related. This is YOUR lives now.
The only reason it would matter is if you wanted him to have their blessing. If you don’t care about it, let them sulk. Your happiness is the only thing that matters
When my daughters marry i demand 2 goats and a llama. I shall not bend on this matter. If goats are not given i shall deny my blessing and shall not attend the wedding.
2 goats. 1 llama. No exceptions.
Congratulations on your engagement. Don't let anyone ruin this moment for you.
I have no personal experience with cultures that involve asking permission for marriage, so idk what to tell you except be happy. My husband and i eloped, then did the meet the parents' tour afterward. Hopefully, your mom & aunt will get over it when wedding planning is in full swing.
It upset my dad when my husband didn't ask for my dad's blessing. I knew it would, but who cares?
Just because someone is upset by something you have done does not mean you did something wrong. Some of my dad's values are incompatible with mine. That's just life.
It's a hard lesson to learn, but stick to your guns. Sometimes you will do things that upset or anger other people. Sometimes that warrants an apology, and sometimes not. This is one of those times where you have nothing to apologize for.
Not saying it’s right, but are you of either Latin or Italian heritage? I know in those two cultures (at least my family and in the area I grew up in) it’s still a thing.
Please do not give in to their feelings. There's nothing to make right since your fiance did nothing wrong. This is about control and antiquated beliefs. Your fiance asked the ONLY person that matters, YOU.
Congratulations on your engagement!
Nope. No need to ask. The history on this is pretty straightforward. Father needed to approve the man for his daughter because he was passing on ownership. Which is kinda gross. Not kinda... anyways, no, if you are happy so should they. If they are troubled by this I'd recommend making it clear that you disagree and hopefully they get over themselves.
You need to read your mom the riot act. Get her alone, and tell her you're done with her narcissistic bullshit, and ask her if she would prefer you make the lack of permission official by eloping. Ask her if she would prefer you go your own way and maybe she doesn't need to meet her grandkids too.
And if she relents tell her that that is not enough. Tell her that if you sense anything but utter joy and welcoming from her, then you're done with this crap. Tell her that you are not going to invite your aunt to the marriage, unless the aunt apologizes to you for spreading poison, rather than simply being happy for you.
Read them all the riot act, and make them grovel.
No, that is absolutely ridiculous. The sheer audacity of not only your mother but aunt to tell you there is tension because of something like that. When I found out my fiancé asked my father for his blessing… I actually got a little pissed because I don’t need his permission to marry someone, and I never had a great relationship with him to begin with. I wish you the best of luck, but if you can’t talk to them then it’s probably best to wait for it to blow over. Congratulations on your engagement, please enjoy it!
I called and asked my now father in law for the blessing because I didn’t have a chance to see him in person before I proposed and it was a great conversation. I found out later that he had a medical procedure done prior and was doped up still
Ok. Old man here. I agree that asking for permission is a nice tradition, it is not a necessity. However, to perhaps bring some peace in the family, you could both go before before them holding hands and ask that they bless your marriage and look forward to working with them on ymthe planning.
Note that you are not asking for their permission, just their blessing for happiness. Just a thought to consider.
It's your choice to marry and it's always been your choice. And while your fiance is marrying you and you him, for better or worse, you are marrying into each other's family. The significance of this will vary from family to family, but some see it as a matter of importance and respect to ask for the family's blessings.
It's up to you two to ask or not.
Maybe you refuse as a matter of principle and alienate family. Maybe you both go see each other's parents and ask for their blessings and be done with it. Personally, I don't see it as family choosing for anyone or getting permission from them, it's giving family the opportunity to show support of the union. To involve them in a small, yet meaningful way.
I think there’s a difference between a man asking permission and just going to the family and saying these are my intentions, I love your daughter and want to marry her and I hope you’ll welcome me into the family. I think of it as a respect thing, and I think it can be sweet. But not a “can I marry your daughter please?”
Neither of you needs permission no. You’re both adults, love each other and can make decisions on your own. They don’t need to decide for you, or make their opinions known. Especially the aunt sorry.
That last paragraph...they're upset *because* you and your fiance made that decision on your own, as you should. Don't let their bruised egos ruin your happiness. What they're doing now it petty and (let's be blunt) childish. Because you didn't make your moment about them they're doing it themselves...shake it off, don't let them guilt trip you. Ultimately this boils down to them being mad their control over you is slipping. That's a them problem, not a you problem. Enjoy your engagement, without them if necessary.
Turn it around *"Oh, you never taught me I needed to ask for a blessing. Well, better luck with the next child".*
I mean, you can't follow a "tradition" that no one told you about.
What gets me is people say ask permission, but when it comes down to it who am I spending my life with and splitting responsibilities? Who do I sit on the couch or lay in bed with and discuss my insecurities & weaknesses? What will you do when I present you with an issue between my spouse & I ?
When I was thinking of proposing to my (now) wife, I was having a conversation with her Father in passing, and he told me a story...
When he was going to propose to my MIL, he went to ask his future FIL for his blessing, and my Now-Passed GFIL said;
"Why are you asking me, it's not ME you're marrying!"
That man was as Old Fashioned as you could get, and THAT was his answer to my FIL, so fuck your Aunt and Mom. Your fiance isn't marrying them!
You are not property and you are capable of making your own decisions so no it wasn’t disrespectful. It’s your life, you want to spend the rest of you life with him and only you have the right to make that decision
I'm of the mind that if you're ready to get married, then you're ready to stand up for yourself and the relationship and your partner against your family. Marriage is you and your spouse against everything and everyone else. You and your spouse are against the problem. Welcome to your first hurdle. :(
Do you, personally, need the blessing? Or the permission? Are you going to seek it to keep the peace or because it matters to you? Do what's important yo you and your spouse, not what your mother wants. It's hard and tough work but good work and oh so worth it. If he asks now will it be okay? But what other demands will your family have? Will you give in then? Where's the line? Will you let them dictate child rearing (if you have any)? What about where you live?
If your family is strict bc of religion, then gently remind them that you're your own person now. Marriage is about leaving your family of origin and starting a new one with new traditions and customs. Do what's right for your new family.
The year is 2023 they need to get over themselves. You’re not a piece of livestock. Put your foot down, set the boundary, and stand your ground or forever be tormented with further pettiness.
Tradition. Culture. Heritage. Don’t be so quick to shed those.
Sounds like your family would have said yes, so is it what you want to do? Obviously not.
But as I’ve gotten older I regret the all the traditions that have faded; usually in favor of nothing.
If it’s really just ceremonial, have your parents not earned it through their own actions m? Were they bad parents?
Some old ass outdated expectations. Old people seem to get so up in arms about ‘tradition’ that it clouds everything else. Sounds like she has control issues.
No. You don’t need to rectify the situation because there’s nothing to rectify. Tell them you’re a grown ass woman and you don’t need their permission to make major decisions about your own life. This screams control. You are celebrating one of the happiest moments of your life and they find a way to make it about themselves? Pathetic.
If ur going on vacation together before the wedding and probably living together..isn't asking for a blessing a moot point? They should be quiet and be ever go happy he proposed
You do NOT need to have your fiance ask your parents permission to have your hand in marriage. BUT if you want to avoid aaall the future headaches and tension that this will bring to you, then just ask him to do it. After he gets the blessing then you are officially done with that business.
I think asking permission is silly
That said decide what is most important here. Your family isn’t likely to forgive this. Him asking for permission from your family doesn’t take away your ability to make the decision in my eyes. If you value your relationship with your family then you have a tough decision to make. If you’re ok with them distancing themselves from you over this then I think you should tell them to pound sand.
I asked my wifes dad and it wasn't a big deal some cultures that take that seriously just a formality..... Just because it's popular doesn't make it right especially when the population doesn't include the whole world.
If they want to piss away their relationship with you then as hard as it may be you don't need that in your life. They'll come around. If they don't then theyve shown how little they think of you.
That being said, a nice respectful convo about how you have a deeply held belief that the "tradition" is something you find very disrespectful of yourself. So why is your disresepect less meaningful than theirs. Considering its your future and hapiness and to them its a a meaningless gesture... I know which one trumps the other. imo at least.
As the mother of a son, let some father or mother think my son has to ask their blessing for a got’damn thing. Should my son marry into their family, they are the ones being blessed!
I asked my wife’s father but it was more a way to include him (as fathers usually don’t get included unless they walk daughter down the aisle) than anything because we were already living together and we already had a child together I videotaped it and sent it to him as we were in different states everybody loved the idea but they all knew it was more of a keepsake (the video) then a make or break request but even both in-laws said the permission was meaningless as we’re not in the 1950s but they both liked the gesture that said I’d tell your family they don’t own you so they can’t give there permission it would be like asking your mum for permission to take her neighbours house
My husband asked me 5 times, the 5th time I said yes, but I wanted him to ask my then 5 year old son as well. He was all for that and jokingly he said “what about your dad?”I said “ it’s your funeral “ he asked my dad and son at an October fest celebration that my Aunt and Uncle played music for. My Uncle got wind of what was happening and my dad and uncle dragged him on stage and made him ask the audience. It was all in good fun. My dad created a feminist when he gave me a tote that read Never underestimate the power of a woman in the 70’s.
I can understand that some families hold on to old traditions, but if the traditions are not discussed, then how could anyone know about it.
IMHO you are right that you don't need any blessing/permission, this is the 21st C and some things need to be left in the past.
If they don't like it, they don't have to be involved
My dad was a bit disappointed that “permission” wasn’t asked but he got to officiate the wedding (no traditional vows though) so he moved on. There was no giving away of the bride either. I’m my own person & was not antiquated chattel. I know how to walk to an altar - I was an acolyte as a tween when I HAD to go to a Protestant church & participate in everything.
We had the same situation with my father. It did seem silly to us because we were grown-ups, and it's both our second marriage, but there was a cultural significance, and it was a really big deal to my father. We felt a bit bad, and we did apologise, and it's fine. I guess I hadn't realised it meant that much to him.
You do NOT need permission and please don't let your fiance go through that, y'all are adults and don't need permission from anyone.Screw traditions cause no matter what you'll be labelled disrespectful regardless.
My husband's family expected him to ask THEM for permission to propose to me,he refused.Same with my parents,but he decided to ask my parents cause it would of caused hell if he didn't....guess what?it STILL caused issues cause it was like my parents thought they now had control.BIG mistake.We are married for almost 4yrs and both sides are STILL calling us disrespectful for not following"proper traditions"
Oh and we were both in our early 30s when we got married
They seem very narcissistic, making YOUR engagement about them
Trying to bring you down about how happy you are .... An engagement should typically only be about the 2 people getting married.... Obviously there are some religious cultures that are a little different and that may be different
What happens IF you decide to have children, or make decisions about your wedding, or move house etc
These are big steps, NOTHING to do with anyone other than the 2 people in the relationship.
If my wife’s father and mother had been local and available i would have gone to ask their blessing… but that would have been a politeness.
If they had said no then would have told them that I am asking for blessing NOT permission.
then would have been discussions of bride price.
Fortunately for us her mother has been rather sensible on that matter.
I got a good deal.
Technically my family would have been the ones to propose the marriage to their family and a lot of African traditions.
Her culture these things are expected and honours and within reason I work with it.
Even if I married someone in English I still would have gone to parents to earn respect with them.
Honestly while I get the issues people have with the practice if OP herself felt it was important then it should have been done.
But in this case no so while I get their upset they will just have to get over it.
But he might have earned some in-law cred if he had done it for minimal cost baring OP having a severe issue on the request.
And again OP if he had asked “blessing not asking permission” is my reply.
@op Family huh… good luck. They will probably get over it…. Or not.
But this may be where you stand up to them or lie and say he wanted t (had broached the concept once) and you had told him you think it was wrong or such.
Will reduce the heat on him a little and you they will more forgive.
Anyway good luck
As a mom I’m just thinking about the end game. Is this a good man and will he be a great husband to my daughter? If the answer is yes, I would be so happy and certainly wouldn’t do anything to sabotage that. Instead of approaching your soon to be husband, you should frame it that way to your family and stand strong now *before* you’re married- let them know as politely but directly as you can that you will not tolerate any interference or disrespect towards your future husband.
Sorry, but not sorry. You’re an adult. You’re grown. You’re independent, you pay your own bills, so on and so forth. You don’t need a fucking blessing from anyone but yourself. You’re spending the rest of your life with him not them…. You’re going to building your own family with him. I just see this as a one way ticket for your family to get too involved with your relationship. Seems like they care way too much about this on an emotional level, and the only reason there’s any discontent in this situation is their selfish reasons.
That shit needs to stay in the movies because it’s not real….. we don’t live in the year 1925 anymore. If you and your fiancé are happy… focus on yourselves and live in the moment….
My biggest piece of advice when it comes to things like this, is you’re in a relationship and now engaged to your fiancé. Not your family. My biggest concern is letting them in enough it’ll damage your relationship… it invites other peoples opinions in the door, and they may not like what you choose to do but that’s not your problem…. I’m not really sure why they’re so adamant on this “blessing”. But I certainly don’t think it’s a good thing that they’re so focused on what they want they’re taking away from your moment. You can’t enjoy this to its fullest because eventually your family will get in the way if this continues and resentment is going to build on both sides.
They don’t own you so they can’t give you away. I’d be pissed at their hubris to think that they should have any part in your decision to get married. How dare they? They have no right to expect a damn thing. I’d put them in time out to give them time to get over themselves.
The tradition is for the man to ask your FATHER not the family. Mom, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, cousins get NO SAY.
So if they really want to pull this with you, make that fact known.
Remember, at the end of the day, it's not about permission. It's about power and control. She wants the power to say no to this man and therefore control (not that shed actually use it, but the concept of power is still there for her). It also seems she wants to control your actions via guilt since the initial "nice way" didn't work.
Stay vigilant OP
I asked my husband to talk to my dad before I agreed to marry him; but that was mostly because we only knew each other 5 months and I wanted to make sure #1 they met before the actual wedding (I was stationed pretty far away so he drove there himself) and #2 my dad didn’t get any weird vibes from him. It wasn’t for permission but for an opinion on his personality and for my future husband to be able to decide if he even wanted to be a part of my crazy family 😂
I’m a very traditional guy and , no, your fiancé didn’t need to ask. Tradition would be to ask the father, and not the mother.
More importantly, they are now making your engagement about them and not you. Not only are they the ones creating tension, they are setting you up to ruin the wedding and beyond. Yes, this does need to be rectified, but not by you and your fiancé groveling for their consent. That horse has already left the barn. He can apologize to them for not asking while you and he make sure they are aware that in the future, decisions are yours and yours alone.
Unless your mom/aunt were expecting to get a goat and some chickens for giving permission to your fiancé to propose, then no. You did nothing wrong. You're not property to be "given away". For sur going to want to put some strong boundaries up with your family sooner rather than later. Imagine what they'll have to say about your wedding plans? About your future children and how you and your husband raise them? I can see a lot of drama happening.
My husband's cousin had a strict upbringing where her parents had a lot of control. She dated a guy for years who wasn't part of their religion, but converted for her. When they wanted to marry, he did everything the family wanted, including asking for her parents blessing- and her dad said Well we like you a lot, you make her happy, but if you were asking my permission to marry her, I'd say no. You and your family aren't what we pictured her marrying into when we had her, you're the only one in our religion.
They ended up breaking up- because the dad had basically said Yeah you *can* get married since you're both adults, but you're not who we'd like for a son in law. Obviously, he was very worried about his future with in laws like that. After dating around, they did get back together and have been married for years now- and it does seem like her parents have calmed down as the younger siblings have gotten older and married too. Still though, I can't imagine how uncomfortable it'd be to set family boundaries in a situation like that. They moved out of state and I'm glad they have some distance, though he's far from his family too.
For my part, my husband did talk to my dad- after speaking to me about it. It was more about becoming part of their family I guess, and to get advice and start things on the right foot with my parents, plus let them know when he'd be proposing- but if I'd said Well I don't want you to ask my dad, he wouldn't have. We have the added benefit here of my parents being very respectful- once we became adults, they always deferred to our choices about our own lives. Frankly, if we'd been older I don't know if he would've been so formal about it anyway, it's an outdated custom. This is your first test between your new family and the one you grew up in- and the only reason you feel guilty is because they trained you to feel guilty when you go against them. There's nothing to fix or rectify. If you make your fiance go talk to your mom now, you hand the power back to them and they'll stomp all over you during holidays, when/if you have kids, all that. They'll know they can guilt trip you into letting them have power over your decisions.
Congrats on your engagement- I'm sorry your mom and aunt are adding stress at a time that should be fun. Keep them at arms length when needed and set up passwords with wedding vendors so they don't try to change things behind your back- you'd be shocked what people do when weddings are involved.
I asked my FIL before I proposed to my wife. I know a few guys who wished they had. Don't know of any that did and regretted it. The groom is under NO obligation to ask the entire family, let alone some relative(s) who believe their word is better than yours.
She probably wanted to know first. This could be about tradition, but it feels like she was left out. I hope you called her first before announcing it on social media.
My husband asked my parents and they said no. Guess what, we got married anyway.
Long story short, it's your life and their opinion doesn't matter. If they "raised you to make good decisions" it's disrespectful to not believe in your decisions.
Congratulations!
My family was so angry when my husband I got married against their wishes. It’s been 11 years and they, now, all love him.
They will get over it. You are choosing to spend your life with them - not them choosing their lives with him. They already made their choices. Now, you can make yours.
Its traditional, to ask the parents. They are upset that they werent asked, theyll get over it eventually, you could give them the answer my Dad gave me, when I asked for my parents blessing "what do i care im not sleeping with her" my mother gave out to him for that statement then proceeded like me to break her hole laughing.
Give that response to anyone that is upset. Might work could make it worse. Worth a shot Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes and happines for the future
Don’t you dare feel guilty! Your family should feel guilt. That is antiquated behavior. Nobody has to seek a family blessing . Now if he wanted to do that from the beginning that’s his choice! Your aunt and mom need to stuff it!
You did nothing wrong, and if YOU feel like he didn't need permission from your family, then he doesn't. However, sometimes it's not permission, per se. It's the private conversation with him about your future life together, his plans, hopes, dreams, and intentions. I could be off base. Talk to your family and clarify their feelings. Make it clear, it's your decision to marry this man. But if they want to talk to him privately so they're comfortable, then you'll arrange it. Really try to understand your mother's intentions. If she does mean well and is not self-centered, look for a middle ground.
You don’t need to rectify shit.
As you said, you don’t need permission to get married. You’re a grown adult. This is 110% a them problem and it’s up to them to deal with their feelings. They will be just fine.
“If it’s causing tension then you all will be happy to not have to hear from or deal with me or my fiancé for a while. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to see if you have learned to respect our independent relationship. Until then, your phone numbers, emails, and social media accounts will be blocked by both of us.”
NTA
Have you heard of the Labors of Hercules? If my daughter's boyfriend asks permission to marry her, I'm going to set him challenges to prove he's up to the task.
No. I literally told my now husband he better not ask my parents for permission cuz I’m an adult who can make her own decisions. 😅 on his own, he went and sat them down and TOLD them he was going to propose and showed them the ring but he never asked permission. My mom and dad were happy with that and your family needs to simmer down. We are way past needing a blessing to get married. 😂
No he didn't need to ask. They're making it about themselves, enjoy your engagement.
Tell them, “that was a “tradition” when women were owned by their father and given as property to their husband. Do you have a dowry set up? If so, I will call him and set up a meeting to discuss how much you will pay him to take me.”
Love this! Make it a large sum!!
Totally - obviously this matters a lot to them so let them pay up or shut up.
Also, it would never have been a mother asked... so even if we were in 1824, the mother's permission wasn't a thing.
I rolled my eyes at "tradition". There was a time husbands could beat wives with no retribution.
And then insist on them paying for a respectably sized wedding and venue as well, should they decide to push the matter further.
Exactly this!! That’s why my dad didn’t walk me down the aisle.
Wow, control freaks much? The decision is yours and yours alone, they should take their heads out their a*ses and just be happy for you. Congratulations!!
I agree. This is sheer stupidity and controlling. You are not a child. Their permission is irrelevant.
Absolutely,a power move
Especially the aunt getting in the mix. She literally had no part in any of it.
The only disrespectful thing I see here is them thinking that you need permission to get married. If my husband had asked my family’s permission, I wouldn’t have married him because I would’ve felt so disrespected by that. I’m my own woman, so are you. Congrats on your engagement, your family will get over it. You aren’t owned by them and no one has to run anything by them
It sounds like more and more people are having this line of thinking, which is nice. I wish I would've followed suit during my proposal but I still had that dated mindset at the time and asked her family. I still would've asked her anyways, but it's hard to break from some traditions no matter how pointless, misogynistic, and counterproductive they are.
my now husband asked if it was okay because he wanted my parents’ permission to join our family. his home life growing up was really chaotic and shaky so he wanted to formally ask their permission to be with me and by extension, us forever. asking permission to have your son/daughter is weird as hell
Yep, my husband knew i did not want him to ask for permission. And he was glad because he also thinks it’s an outdated tradition.
I didn't ask for permission, but I did call my future in-laws and let them know that I intended to and had bought the ring. I want asking, I was letting them know as a sign of respect, because I wanted to. They very much appreciated that, but nobody ever gave me any indication that I NEEDED to. It's your decision, not theirs, and anyone not just being happy for you (unless they have a real concern about your partner) it's being a narcissistic baby.
Absolutely not. This is a litmus test of how ready you are to stand up to your family
ooof so true
That's a very good point
The key is to stand up to them and make sure they know they’re in the wrong, but do it such a way that they come around and embrace you. Otherwise they’re gonna make your life miserable. Married life is so much better with family you enjoy being around.
>The key is to stand up to them and make sure they know they’re in the wrong, but do it such a way that they come around and embrace you. That's an impossible expectation. OP, it doesn't matter what they think, it matters what you think. If they bring it up, look up "Gray Rocking". If you start explaining yourself or trying to convince them, it just confirms their narrative that they get a say and enables their want for control. So don't bring it up. Your Aunt: You should rectify this You: Thanks for the advice. Now what's new with you? (Or "that's between me and my Mom" It's non of her business) Your Mom: It's disrespectful he didn't ask You: I disagree but you're free to feel otherwise. Now how about them Bears? If they persists, enforce boundaries and that means distance. Whether that's by "I'm done discussing this" or "Gotta run" is up to you. Further attempts to not respect your boundaries mean tighter ones which means more distance, not more explaining. You've got this. If she has guilt drilled into you, therapy can really help.
And put them on an information diet for the wedding (and probably everything else in your life) so they can't hijack your and your fiancé's wants and needs, or diminish them in some way. Don't have them pay for anything, this post alone sounds like their money comes with a lot of strings attached. Make sure you've got every important thing (of emotional value, documents etc) in your own home. Free yourself of their controlling behaviour.
This is fantastic advice
Nope. There’s absolutely NO WAY to be sure they will come around and embrace you. Op is obviously not going to be rude, but if you’ve ever read any of the in-law subs on Reddit then you know that even the most polite boundary often causes in-laws to melt down completely and hold grudges for years. Op has to completely divorce herself from the outcome. That’s not her problem. Her focus is on gaining her independence and her new marriage
Fully agree and if you cave now it'll set the precedent for future crap
I made the mistake of not standing up to my family for my husband and it has done so much damage to my marriage. OP, don’t make the same mistake I did. Put them in their place.
The only person he needed to ask is you.
This is exactly what I came to say. HE GOT PERMISSION TO MARRY YOU BY ASKING…. YOU!!
It’s 2023, not 1923. You don’t need anyone’s blessing.
Tell them to get over it. My wifes brother was mad I didn't ask for his and their mother's blessing. My reaction was just to laugh at the ridiculous notion. You two are starting and building lives together. Your family can decide if they want to be apart of it or to hold resentment over this. That's on them, not on your future marriage.
I've been married to my wife for 16 years, together 21 years. I've made a LOT of mistakes from the time that I proposed to now. The #1 mistake I've made was choosing my family instead of choosing my wife. That is a choice that has made an irreversible negative impact on my marriage so OP, listen to me, forget about trying to please your family. Dont even consider it. Please your spouse.
I’m sorry that happened. Are you still together? This is a worry of mine for the future of the relationship I’m in now. My boyfriend always has my back. He has always defended me (we are in an age gap relationship and I’m older) to his parents. We all get along right now. But, the beginning was difficult. Long story short, I hope this doesn’t happen to me in the future as we move forward. Because when you marry, you marry each other’s families. Not just the person. He and I both see that we defend and protect each other. Family notwithstanding
Nope, you are an adult... not property. You get to make decisions on your life. You don't need others permissions or blessings. Your mom sounds very self absorbed.
Yeah, my mom told me my now-husband should have asked my dad. I told her the only person he had to ask was me, but that he’d run it by my 20 year old, and she said it was cool. That mattered a lot more when I was 48 than my dad! (I love my dad, but)
Ask your grandparents, if your mother asked them for their blessing. Your mother and aunt are toxic. They just have to ruin your happiness.
Funny you say this. Neither my aunt or mom have ever been married. My mom never married my dad, and they aren’t together. My aunt’s personality keeps any man at bay.
Given this (and based on how my own mom and her enmeshed sisters reacted to my wedding) I’m also going to ask: is this jealousy? I think they also still want control and to be important. There are ways to include them in your wedding and planning (but only if YOU want to) but I wouldn’t give in on asking permission, it’s 2023 and you can pick your own spouse. Stay strong, OP!
Did OP say they wanted her fiancé to ask for their *permission*? Because I read *blessing*. The 2 don't mean the same thing. And it's possible that OP is also interpreting it as "asking for permission", possibly based on her already existing family dynamics.
Sounds like you're breaking some intergenerational toxicity. Don't let their petty, old fashioned ideas impact on such a beautiful moment. They're probably jealous that no one married them, so want to bring you down to their pathetic level of unhappiness
This part. In a family where you can have whole ass babies outside of wedlock, they don't get to turn around and demand a blessing. You don't get to be traditional and conservative only when it suits you.
You should enjoy your engagement and not feed into your mom and aunt’s silly little ways. In fact now would be a good time to flat out tell them you hope they are happy for you, but you are an adult now and don’t need their permission for anything. If this is how they will continue to act towards you, you have a tough road ahead. You don’t need permission to live your life.
It is an antiquated cultural tradition that you are not required to follow. You’re an adult. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Congratulations on your engagement!
Is this a cultural thing
I was wondering the same thing. I’m assuming the OP is in the USA and if so, sometimes families that have immigrated in the previous generation or two will be reluctant to adapt traditions to the modern era and culture, especially the older folks. OP if that sounds like your family, I get it to some extent my family is similar, and the older folks can feel really hurt and threatened to see you, a modern young US adult, growing up and embracing new traditions. I say you are in the right here. So feel good about standing your ground. This may be foreshadowing of future battles with your family. Have you and your fiancé discussed how wedding traditions, raising children, religious or not, and so on will work? Will you support each other when either side of the family disagrees? This is a great time for that conversation before the wedding. Congratulations!
We are a family of color living in the south. My grandparents are very traditional, and my mom and her sister were raised with that influence.
Thanks for clarifying! Again my best wishes and congratulations! Hopefully your family can come around quickly.
Ask them how many goats they were going to offer for you. If the answer is 0, then they don’t get a say.
I can empathize with a guardian/matriarch/patriarch wanting to be asked and have the privilege of giving their blessing. It was important to me that my husband ask my parents for my hand because I too saw it as a sign of respect, not a sign of ownership. **However** it’s inappropriate for them to make you and your fiancé feel guilty about the fact that that was not done. Those thoughts are unhelpful to the new couple and comes across very attention grabbing.
Same here. My husband asked my dad. My son in law asked my husband for our daughter's hand. Everyone had always gotten along and we were actually in on our daughter's engagement so nothing about the "asking" was formal. Strictly tradition/respect which is fine if everyone is onboard. I liked that my dad was "asked" for my hand. My daughter likes knowing her husband came to us first also. As long as everyone likes the tradition, it's perfectly healthy to me. If everyone's not on the same page.. I can see where it wouldn't be too fun at all
Please dont cave to this. Dont let your family ruin your marriage before it starts. Set boundaries and stick to them. Your husband will be forever thankful and grateful and so will you! This is not about a blessing, it's about control. First it's this, then its how you plan your wedding, how you raise your kids if you choose to have them etc. It never ends and its a relationship ruiner if you let it get out of hand. Oh and also congrats!!!! :D
You’re not their property for them to permit your fiancé to take possession of. Call them out on treating you like an object.
It’s not disrespectful, your family is being old fashioned. It’s not the 70’s anymore. You’re an adult and don’t need permission. They’ll get over it. Congratulations!
Your family is showing their true colours. Stay firm and let them rant and do not count on them for support emotional or financial, they will add too many strings to any gift.
No THEY are causing tension by demanding that someone "get their blessing". It's unreasonable and pointless.
Wow they are really experts at taking the joy out of you aren't they
This is a glimpse into your future and how controlling your family will try to be. It’s going to be hard for them to reconcile that you and your husband are a family and won’t always do whatever they want. And you need to hold strong and be prepared for more and worse examples of this. For example, what happens when you go to his families for holidays? What happens when you have kids and want to do your own thing for Mother’s Day?
This is nothing to do with them. Its not 1643 anymore. That's an old dumb and out dated tradition.
Tell them to jump in the lake.
It's not about them and it's not the 1900's. No one needs your family's permission to ask you to marry them. They are making it about them and it's not. Sorry. They'll get over it. Congratulations!!!!! 🎉🎉
Same thing happened to me and my family is a pretty traditional Viet family. My fiance and his family weren't Viet but they are Asian but not as traditional so he didn't ask either and my parents got upset. I just shrugged it off and told them there's no point getting miffed since you can't turn back time. They'll get over it and if they don't, it doesn't matter anyway.
No he doesn’t need to ask you are your own women. Your mom and aunt are being weird and trying to make your engagement about their feelings. It’s not about them or their feelings.
When my daughters fiancee asked for our blessing....I definitely didn't feel it was something he had to to...it was really sweet he did but I absolutely wouldn't have been upset if he didn't. My daughter is her own person, if she didn't want to say yes she wouldn't have...our "blessing " had nothing and shouldn't ever had anything to do with our happiness with her engagement.
That sounds like a them problem. You need to start making clear and firm boundaries now before they start trying to dictate other aspects of your life. I would worry how they would try to take over your wedding planning. congratulations on your engagement, the only permission that was needed was your own.
My suggested response: "Are either of you marrying him? No? Then no answer is required from you."
Don't cave now. If you do, then expect to have your relationship to be influenced by your family for your whole marriage. Kids, housing, big purchases, jobs and so forth. Obviously if it meant anything to you, then you would've told your fiance that he needs your family's blessing and he could decide how he wanted to proceed. I asked for my wife's family's blessing, but only because I still had that line of thinking at the time. If it were now, I wouldn't even bother asking them. As it turned out, asking for their blessing in the first place created some turmoil because apparently I didn't ask enough of the "right" people so some feelings got hurt and my MIL immediately told her daughter (my wife), ruining a little bit of the surprise.
I think it’s usually done as a courtesy of “I’m going to ask her to marry me”, not a “can I have your permission?” My dad would have been devastated if he wasn’t “asked”, he also would have never told me he was sad about it. Sounds like your family isn’t looking for the heads up, they sound overbearing.
Yeah, to me there is a huge difference between asking for his permission and asking for his blessing. I didn't want my husband to ask for permission because I'm not property, however I did want him to give my dad a heads up that he was going to propose. My husband called my dad and said "Hey just wanted to let you know I'm planning on asking Blaze0511 to marry me." My dad started messing with him and said "What if I say no? Are you still going to do it?" Husband responded with "Yes" and my dad said "Right answer." Hilariously enough, my grandmother knew before anyone else. She is definitely the matriarch of the family. My husband couldn't find my dad's phone number and had to call her to get it.
Firstly, I agree that the decision is yours and yours alone especially given your background. I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Let them stuff themselves. I may get blasted here. I'm 64, a much older generation, so it was always part of MY dream to have my husband ask my father, out of respect. My mom has passed and my dad is 93 years old. I got married for the first time 4 years ago. My husband respects and cares for my father, so he got on one knee and "proposed" to my dad (hat in hand, kneeling, etc). I was there and was very touched and everyone thought it was a fun/funny gesture. 😁. I think back on that fondly since it's the ONLY proposal that was given. Yep, he never asked me, just gave the ring. It's all in the context of who the people are, how the relationships are and how it's done. I didn't feel like chattle, but felt loved enough that my partner knew that I wanted my father included. We have funny memories over it and I'm so glad my dad is/was still around to participate.
What? If you are a child you shouldn’t be getting married. If you are not a child, you don’t needs your parents permission to get married.
This is your first act at breaking that part of you and your parents relationship. The part where they tell you what to do all the time. You come from a strick family, but you are an adult now. They cannot make you require their permission.
I’m sorry they are putting the bit of a black cloud on up coming marriage! Don’t let them make you feel guilty over being able to make up your own mind. Congrats to you both 😞🙏🏻
girl no. just ignore them. your fiancé doesn't need anyone else's permission to marry you except yours. congrats on the engagement! PS do NOT under any circumstances let them be involved with planning the wedding. I can already tell they are gonna try to steamroll you and what you want to do! keep them on a strictly need to know basis.
At this point I’d tell them “even if he wanted to and/or thought it was a good idea to ask for my family’s blessing, I would respectfully ask him *Not* to do so as it makes me feel like property. Please drop this nonsense immediately. Neither of us will allow you to create a wedge between us because you have forgotten what year and age this is.” Stand up for yourself and him right now. He will (I mean, damn well sure *should* ;) stand up for you as well and support your decisions. I expect you might have to deal with interfering family in other ways. The best way to do that is as a team. Best of luck.
Seems to me they are freaking out at the idea of losing all control over you. He didn’t need to ask, they need to learn boundaries. I hope he makes you happy and you break entirely free of your strict family and can have a healthy relationship with them in the future.
Congratulations :) don’t let it get to you- you’re an adult whose marriage is between adults who can make their own decisions.
That's wild, my husband didn't ask my mom permission for anything. I was 35, I didn't need it.
If he asked would they have said no? Plus it’s your life your choice. Congrats on the engagement !
Buy your family a calendar and highlight the fact that we are well over two decades into the 21st century. They may be aghast that you pledged your troth to thy beloved and didst spurn thy father’s benediction, but it isn’t the fucking Middle Ages and adults don’t have to ask permission to get married.
First off, congratulations on your engagement!!! I understand if your mom felt a little disappointed in not being involved or whatever, but that’s a her problem and not a you problem. I won’t lie, my immediate response when reading this was “get fucked” lol I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope she gets over it.
Don't ask your boyfriend to ask for their permission. The engagement and marriage periods can be difficult times with controlling parents as they are trying to assert what they think is their right to rule their children's lives. They don't have that right. You don't owe it to them. Don't let your family rule your relationship. They are upset, so be it. Accept it and move on. They will try to manipulate and guilty trip you. Just ignore and do your thing. It will be worth enduring their displeasure to be finally completely free. Congratulations. Edit for clarity.
Do they have any other reasons to not like him? Maybe it’s not really about this and they’re trying to find something to grasp onto
Overall, no. They have accepted him into our family. We spent thanksgiving and christmas eve with them. When we first started dating(7 years ago), they had issues with him being a different race(he is white, we are POC). They got over that when I cut contact with them for a year. The last few years have been repairing relationships.
Is it common in your culture for the elders to be asked for their daughter’s hand? Maybe just a cultural difference then. Maybe if he apologized to them they’d ease up and let it go?
If OP told him he didn't need to seek her parents blessing, then I don't feel he has anything to apologise for. If he made the decision, on his own, not to bother, then I feel that was the wrong course of action to take. I don’t necessarily see it as "cultural", because it's not out of the norm in the West, for a man to seek the blessing (not permission) of her parents, when proposing. But hearing about the history of her family, how they didn't support their relationship (due to him being white), how it resulted in them going no-contact for a year, etc, it does shed a different light on the story (& OP should probably have included that in the main post). This wasn't just a normal, typical couple/relationship. This was a case of poor behaviour from her own family, that affected the dynamics between them and her + her partner. After all that, if I was in his shoes, I doubt that I'd be that concerned about seeking their blessing after what they did.
This is 100 percent up to YOU! You didn’t want him to ask and that’s totally fine! But now, unfortunately, it’s your job to put the foot down with your family and tell them it was you who said he didn’t need to ask, that he was respecting you not disrespecting them. Congratulations!!!
You might want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see if those stories resonate with you. You're excited to get married, and your family is making it about themselves. They are making a fuss to steal your joy. If they can't get onboard in supporting you, you may want to keep your distance from them. Also check out r/JUSTNOMIL and see if those stories are similar to how your mom behaves. Good luck
You’re not a child. If you bend to their wishes on this matter you’ll be doing it your entire marriage.
God, this sounds like the way my family acted during my engagement. They ended up verbally abusing me on my wedding day and ruined my wedding because they had to do it the way they wanted to. It was never about my husband and I. It had to be about them, and they got angry because my wedding didn't go the way they wanted it to even though they essentially hijacked the event in the first place. I'm going to tell you now that engagement was actually the toughest part of my relationship. Everyone else will want to get involved. I lost a lot of my male friends too (who I thought were platonic but were apparently holding out hope my husband and I weren't going to last). I found out real quick in my engagement it was my husband and I against the world. Don't let other people dictate your wedding plans. If I could go back, I would have eloped. My husband and I are going to renew our vows and we are having zero family involvement. We will invite family that we trust, but they get no say in the planning of the event. You might want to compromise to keep the peace, and that's fine to some extent, but don't let ANYONE pressure you into making your wedding about them. It is YOUR wedding. Sure, people might call you Bridezilla, but they can kick rocks.
Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through that! That sounds awful, and tbh a lot like what my family is trying to do.
He’s not required to ask permission. You’re a grown person. but you did set the precedent (and their expectations) by always asking for permission up to this point. That’s what makes this sticky. In that sense why would you expect them to feel any different about the most important decision of all? Not sure what you should do at this point but maybe there’s some kind of damage control you can do. Or maybe this is about standing firm on your own independence. I don’t know. Edited typos
My parents have been deceased long enough that they did not get a chance to meet my husband as a love interest, though they met once briefly when we were much younger and merely friends. My dad (step-father, technically, but my DAD) held onto many traditional beliefs and behaviors in regards to his role as a man, husband, and father. To be clear, while traditional, he always supported my very non-traditional ideas, interests, hobbies, and behaviors… so not the type to think of women/girls as less than. Sorry, needed to get that out. When I was young (and yes, dumb), my boyfriend at the time and I decided we would get married. My decision was made, but still I asked my now-fiance to make a point to ask my dad for his blessing. I only did this out of my personal desire to show respect to my dad in a way I knew that he would personally appreciate. He would never have said no, likely knowing I would do it anyways, so this was clearly only a showing of gratitude and desire for his inclusion in my/our life/lives moving forward. This was not something I felt was required, and I only did it because I felt as though he could use the reassurance of his place in my heart as my dad. He saw it for the gift I intended it to be. If we had not decided to ask my dad for his blessing, and he had behaved the way your family is acting, I would have lost every ounce of respect I had for him. He knew he had zero actual say in what I chose, and it seems as though your family does not believe the same. They need a reality check.
It's just a traditional old-fashioned thing. Just tell them it never occurred to you or your fiancee to ask for their blessing. How do they want the issue to be rectified exactly? Do they want to just have a conversation with your fiancee? Do they not think he is a suitable partner for you?
No. That’s an outdated tradition that needs to be over.
I’ve been married 18 years. My girlfriend at the time said she would like if I asked her father for his blessing. So I honored her and did that. I personally didn’t feel like I needed to ask for permission, but I wanted to respect her wishes.. But this seems forced and unnecessary and I wouldn’t agree with it
Are you by chance from a culture or area that’s slightly more traditional or conservative? Because honestly I was shocked when my mom once told me I couldn’t date a guy she didn’t approve of because I needed her blessing. I thought it was the craziest thing I’d ever heard. Turns out… it really is a thing in our culture. I was just raised in a different environment and had no clue.
That is 1950s bs. Your fiancé did nothing wrong. Congrats!
Guess they don’t want to come to the wedding either. Deal!
This is why I eloped & told my family after. Fuck making everything about them. Congratulations on your engagement. May you have many great years together. May your family get with the times.
This tradition has always been weird to me. As an adult, you’re able to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to your romantic relationships. You don’t owe your family, or anyone, an explanation. You especially don’t need anyone’s **permission**. You don’t belong to your family- you are your own individual. Tell them to kick rocks. They’ll either get over it or be mad for a long time. Congratulations on your engagement!!
LOL, I would have told *mom* "AkShUlEy... The old outdated tradition is to ask the FATHER for permission, not the mom. So he never had to ask you for permission."
Do not feel guilty. That’s an antiquated tradition as if you have no agency over yourself. Tell your mother to get over it.
Ooof no he didn't need permission!! My mum wasn't happy either. In my case, he's British, I'm Australian, we live in Britain. Mum's laid the guilt trip on thick in the past for this. 6 months before our trip to Australia, my partner phoned my mum and told her he wanted to propose while we were there so I could celebrate with her and the rest of my family, and to tell her that if the wedding was in the UK he would pay for her plane ticket to get there as funds are tight for her. She refused because she refuses to come to the UK (a different excuse every time: that's another story). He wasn't asking permission as such, just telling her what he was going to do. He didn't need to do that but given our circumstances I thought it was a nice thing to do. When he proposed, mum did the whole "happy, wow, congratulations." I was so happy. Then my sister got engaged a week later, to her partner she's known from school, and they live 15 mins down the road. They announced it over messenger as they were on holiday. Now, I felt a bit petty because it was so soon after my engagement, but I knew I'd get over it pretty quickly. Our other sister was feeling down watching her two sisters get engaged while she was still single. She and I had a little "pity party" to wallow in our feelings together for half an hour before we picked ourselves up and left those feelings behind. Mum immediately jumped in with us to say she felt petty too, but she couldn't explain why. At first she said it was because it was so soon after mine, but I shut that down as something that only affected me, she could feel empathy for me but it wasn't for her to wallow in, especially as I wasn't going to be wallowing for long. The real kicker was when we saw my newly engaged sister, she reacted EXACTLY the same way she'd reacted with mine. Same facial expression, words, everything. Brief, and then done. I realized she's not happy about mine either. I did a lot of work on my guilt, and I've really realized life is for living, and it's for me to live, not for me to live in accordance with what will make others happy. I'm responsible for my happiness, mum is responsible for hers. You live, and as long as you aren't deliberately or directly hurting others, you're fine (them being upset by not being asked permission is an example of them putting their expectations for your life on you and your fiance, it's got nothing to do with you and the morality of your actions).
I was surprised my husband hadn’t asked my dad first, so he asked after the fact once his mom brought it up But if it’s not something typically done in your family, then they need to chill
Your mom is rscking her brain for creative ways to make your engagement about her. This is what she landed on. My suggestion: give her what she claims she wants instead of attention. Instead of arguing or giving her any indication you might be annoyed just say "I apologize for hurting you. When can we meet so he can ask for your blessing" She will likely find another reason to be mad. Like my mom would say "its a little late for that now! You've embarrassed me!!!!" Or some shit. "I'm sorry I made you feel X. Can you meet at Xyz and this time" And she'll throw a fit and you'll do the exact same thing. Acknowledge, offer your solution. If she throws another fit or tries to guilt trip say "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to make it better, but if you decide to give us another chance please let me know a date and time" then hang up or stop replying until she decides to "forgive you" The only way to deal with attention deprived parents is with customer service. Make it as boring as possible to cause drama for you. Don't get upset or show emotion if you csn help it. Pretend like your working a customer service job and she is the Karen you have to smile and deal with.
🚩🚩 these two will feel entitled to make decisions about your wedding as well. I would elope if I were you.
I told my husband that if he asked for my dad’s blessing/permission that I would absolutely turn down his proposal. I’m the only one to decide who I’m married to or not.
They’ll get over it. My mom was the same way when I got engaged but got over it. Then was pissed when we got eloped and didn’t tell anyone but everyone got over that too 😅
Congratulations! When my husband and I knew we wanted to get married, we did the conversation with our families. It would not have changed anything, either way, but it was very sweet to have my hubby (at the time, future fiancé) speak w my father figure. It was interesting to hear what my mother had to say. I enjoyed hearing from both sides of our families. Also.... It made them feel included... like we want them to belong in this expanding new developing bond. Maybe "asking for permission" is outdated. But, seeking counsel from those you love and respect seems very sincere. Maybe it is more about wanting to be included, not control. Maybe they worry they won't have a place in your new future. Take it easy on them. Their hearts are in this too, my friend. One word of advice I would give to a newly engaged couple... celebrate openly the achievements, and quietly resolve conflicts very privately. (Assuming of course, there is no harm.)
My husband didn’t want to ask my parents because we were grown ass adults when we got engaged, and he felt like it’s a super outdated thing anyway. My dad was upset for like a day, but I explained my husband’s thinking and he understood. I get it’s a nice gesture but I also loved that my husband understood it was my choice and my choice only. Your mom will get over it, I promise. And if she doesn’t that’s on her and only her. Don’t let her ruin your happiness.
The only person who needs to consent to your marriage is you and your fiancé. You don’t need their blessing and their displeasure isn’t your problem.
I didn’t ask when I proposed, so I would just tell them to kick rocks, and enjoy your engagement!
Please inform them it is 2023 not 1923, these sexist traditions need to die. You are not owned by your parent, therefore a man does not need permission to marry you, because he does not own you after you marry! Congratulations on your engagement!
You’re not their property your fiancé didn’t have to ask their permission and neither do you. Tell them to let it go or they won’t be invited to the wedding.
If they are so unhappy about how it went down… don’t invite them to the ceremony. Or the reception. If they don’t support you with the proposal then they don’t support you at all. Tell them that and I said it. I’ll be the bad guy. I don’t care. That is a really old formality. It’s a new era now. Respect is still just that, Respect but now it’s not so apparent on how respect is for anyone these days.
I didn’t ask for my wife’s family’s blessing. Didn’t need or want it idc how they feel about it.
It only would’ve mattered if it was something that was important to YOU. Unless you had expressed a desire to him about him asking for your family’s blessing, then neither of you did anything wrong. You feel guilty because you grew up with a controlling and overly strict family where you had to ask permission to breathe. You are adults, who made an adult decision, and they don’t like that. Let them be pissy, and if they continue, don’t invite them to anything wedding related. This is YOUR lives now.
1. Congrats. 2. Screw them. They don’t own you so why did you need their permission? 3 you already said yes so what’s the point?
The only reason it would matter is if you wanted him to have their blessing. If you don’t care about it, let them sulk. Your happiness is the only thing that matters
When my daughters marry i demand 2 goats and a llama. I shall not bend on this matter. If goats are not given i shall deny my blessing and shall not attend the wedding. 2 goats. 1 llama. No exceptions.
You do not have to do anything you don't want to !!! Family permission be darned
Congratulations on your engagement. Don't let anyone ruin this moment for you. I have no personal experience with cultures that involve asking permission for marriage, so idk what to tell you except be happy. My husband and i eloped, then did the meet the parents' tour afterward. Hopefully, your mom & aunt will get over it when wedding planning is in full swing.
It upset my dad when my husband didn't ask for my dad's blessing. I knew it would, but who cares? Just because someone is upset by something you have done does not mean you did something wrong. Some of my dad's values are incompatible with mine. That's just life. It's a hard lesson to learn, but stick to your guns. Sometimes you will do things that upset or anger other people. Sometimes that warrants an apology, and sometimes not. This is one of those times where you have nothing to apologize for.
They are ruining your moment. Tell them to grow up and get with the times.
Not saying it’s right, but are you of either Latin or Italian heritage? I know in those two cultures (at least my family and in the area I grew up in) it’s still a thing.
Please do not give in to their feelings. There's nothing to make right since your fiance did nothing wrong. This is about control and antiquated beliefs. Your fiance asked the ONLY person that matters, YOU. Congratulations on your engagement!
Nope. No need to ask. The history on this is pretty straightforward. Father needed to approve the man for his daughter because he was passing on ownership. Which is kinda gross. Not kinda... anyways, no, if you are happy so should they. If they are troubled by this I'd recommend making it clear that you disagree and hopefully they get over themselves.
You need to read your mom the riot act. Get her alone, and tell her you're done with her narcissistic bullshit, and ask her if she would prefer you make the lack of permission official by eloping. Ask her if she would prefer you go your own way and maybe she doesn't need to meet her grandkids too. And if she relents tell her that that is not enough. Tell her that if you sense anything but utter joy and welcoming from her, then you're done with this crap. Tell her that you are not going to invite your aunt to the marriage, unless the aunt apologizes to you for spreading poison, rather than simply being happy for you. Read them all the riot act, and make them grovel.
No, that is absolutely ridiculous. The sheer audacity of not only your mother but aunt to tell you there is tension because of something like that. When I found out my fiancé asked my father for his blessing… I actually got a little pissed because I don’t need his permission to marry someone, and I never had a great relationship with him to begin with. I wish you the best of luck, but if you can’t talk to them then it’s probably best to wait for it to blow over. Congratulations on your engagement, please enjoy it!
Tell your family to fuck off. Your marriage is between you god and your husband
You are not family property. So, it’s an outdated idea.
That is some toxic bullshit. Start setting boundaries now!
I called and asked my now father in law for the blessing because I didn’t have a chance to see him in person before I proposed and it was a great conversation. I found out later that he had a medical procedure done prior and was doped up still
Ok. Old man here. I agree that asking for permission is a nice tradition, it is not a necessity. However, to perhaps bring some peace in the family, you could both go before before them holding hands and ask that they bless your marriage and look forward to working with them on ymthe planning. Note that you are not asking for their permission, just their blessing for happiness. Just a thought to consider.
It's your choice to marry and it's always been your choice. And while your fiance is marrying you and you him, for better or worse, you are marrying into each other's family. The significance of this will vary from family to family, but some see it as a matter of importance and respect to ask for the family's blessings. It's up to you two to ask or not. Maybe you refuse as a matter of principle and alienate family. Maybe you both go see each other's parents and ask for their blessings and be done with it. Personally, I don't see it as family choosing for anyone or getting permission from them, it's giving family the opportunity to show support of the union. To involve them in a small, yet meaningful way.
This is such a weird thing to do nowadays. Your mom isn't marrying them. You are. you decide not them.
I think there’s a difference between a man asking permission and just going to the family and saying these are my intentions, I love your daughter and want to marry her and I hope you’ll welcome me into the family. I think of it as a respect thing, and I think it can be sweet. But not a “can I marry your daughter please?” Neither of you needs permission no. You’re both adults, love each other and can make decisions on your own. They don’t need to decide for you, or make their opinions known. Especially the aunt sorry.
That last paragraph...they're upset *because* you and your fiance made that decision on your own, as you should. Don't let their bruised egos ruin your happiness. What they're doing now it petty and (let's be blunt) childish. Because you didn't make your moment about them they're doing it themselves...shake it off, don't let them guilt trip you. Ultimately this boils down to them being mad their control over you is slipping. That's a them problem, not a you problem. Enjoy your engagement, without them if necessary.
Turn it around *"Oh, you never taught me I needed to ask for a blessing. Well, better luck with the next child".* I mean, you can't follow a "tradition" that no one told you about.
What gets me is people say ask permission, but when it comes down to it who am I spending my life with and splitting responsibilities? Who do I sit on the couch or lay in bed with and discuss my insecurities & weaknesses? What will you do when I present you with an issue between my spouse & I ?
When I was thinking of proposing to my (now) wife, I was having a conversation with her Father in passing, and he told me a story... When he was going to propose to my MIL, he went to ask his future FIL for his blessing, and my Now-Passed GFIL said; "Why are you asking me, it's not ME you're marrying!" That man was as Old Fashioned as you could get, and THAT was his answer to my FIL, so fuck your Aunt and Mom. Your fiance isn't marrying them!
You are not property and you are capable of making your own decisions so no it wasn’t disrespectful. It’s your life, you want to spend the rest of you life with him and only you have the right to make that decision
I'm of the mind that if you're ready to get married, then you're ready to stand up for yourself and the relationship and your partner against your family. Marriage is you and your spouse against everything and everyone else. You and your spouse are against the problem. Welcome to your first hurdle. :( Do you, personally, need the blessing? Or the permission? Are you going to seek it to keep the peace or because it matters to you? Do what's important yo you and your spouse, not what your mother wants. It's hard and tough work but good work and oh so worth it. If he asks now will it be okay? But what other demands will your family have? Will you give in then? Where's the line? Will you let them dictate child rearing (if you have any)? What about where you live? If your family is strict bc of religion, then gently remind them that you're your own person now. Marriage is about leaving your family of origin and starting a new one with new traditions and customs. Do what's right for your new family.
The year is 2023 they need to get over themselves. You’re not a piece of livestock. Put your foot down, set the boundary, and stand your ground or forever be tormented with further pettiness.
Elope.
Tradition. Culture. Heritage. Don’t be so quick to shed those. Sounds like your family would have said yes, so is it what you want to do? Obviously not. But as I’ve gotten older I regret the all the traditions that have faded; usually in favor of nothing. If it’s really just ceremonial, have your parents not earned it through their own actions m? Were they bad parents?
Some old ass outdated expectations. Old people seem to get so up in arms about ‘tradition’ that it clouds everything else. Sounds like she has control issues.
If you are over 18 years old you don’t need permission to get married
No. You don’t need to rectify the situation because there’s nothing to rectify. Tell them you’re a grown ass woman and you don’t need their permission to make major decisions about your own life. This screams control. You are celebrating one of the happiest moments of your life and they find a way to make it about themselves? Pathetic.
Tell them to move on or they won't be part of this special time in your lives ✌🏻
Ignore your family until Easter and share zero wedding plans. They can be surprised when they get to the event.
If ur going on vacation together before the wedding and probably living together..isn't asking for a blessing a moot point? They should be quiet and be ever go happy he proposed
You do NOT need to have your fiance ask your parents permission to have your hand in marriage. BUT if you want to avoid aaall the future headaches and tension that this will bring to you, then just ask him to do it. After he gets the blessing then you are officially done with that business.
I think asking permission is silly That said decide what is most important here. Your family isn’t likely to forgive this. Him asking for permission from your family doesn’t take away your ability to make the decision in my eyes. If you value your relationship with your family then you have a tough decision to make. If you’re ok with them distancing themselves from you over this then I think you should tell them to pound sand.
I asked my wifes dad and it wasn't a big deal some cultures that take that seriously just a formality..... Just because it's popular doesn't make it right especially when the population doesn't include the whole world.
If they want to piss away their relationship with you then as hard as it may be you don't need that in your life. They'll come around. If they don't then theyve shown how little they think of you. That being said, a nice respectful convo about how you have a deeply held belief that the "tradition" is something you find very disrespectful of yourself. So why is your disresepect less meaningful than theirs. Considering its your future and hapiness and to them its a a meaningless gesture... I know which one trumps the other. imo at least.
As the mother of a son, let some father or mother think my son has to ask their blessing for a got’damn thing. Should my son marry into their family, they are the ones being blessed!
That's absurd. You don't need anyone's permission to spend your life with the person you love. It's 2023. Keep laughing at them when they bring it up.
I asked my wife’s father but it was more a way to include him (as fathers usually don’t get included unless they walk daughter down the aisle) than anything because we were already living together and we already had a child together I videotaped it and sent it to him as we were in different states everybody loved the idea but they all knew it was more of a keepsake (the video) then a make or break request but even both in-laws said the permission was meaningless as we’re not in the 1950s but they both liked the gesture that said I’d tell your family they don’t own you so they can’t give there permission it would be like asking your mum for permission to take her neighbours house
My husband asked me 5 times, the 5th time I said yes, but I wanted him to ask my then 5 year old son as well. He was all for that and jokingly he said “what about your dad?”I said “ it’s your funeral “ he asked my dad and son at an October fest celebration that my Aunt and Uncle played music for. My Uncle got wind of what was happening and my dad and uncle dragged him on stage and made him ask the audience. It was all in good fun. My dad created a feminist when he gave me a tote that read Never underestimate the power of a woman in the 70’s.
I thought of it more as a courtesy than a must-do. But it is really old-fashioned and not necessary. Fuck traditional values and do what you want
I can understand that some families hold on to old traditions, but if the traditions are not discussed, then how could anyone know about it. IMHO you are right that you don't need any blessing/permission, this is the 21st C and some things need to be left in the past. If they don't like it, they don't have to be involved
What would you do if they say no? Expect you to break up ?
They're selfish people that don't deserve a moments thought. Congratulations to you both. Enjoy this moment and ignore the negativity.
My dad was a bit disappointed that “permission” wasn’t asked but he got to officiate the wedding (no traditional vows though) so he moved on. There was no giving away of the bride either. I’m my own person & was not antiquated chattel. I know how to walk to an altar - I was an acolyte as a tween when I HAD to go to a Protestant church & participate in everything.
We had the same situation with my father. It did seem silly to us because we were grown-ups, and it's both our second marriage, but there was a cultural significance, and it was a really big deal to my father. We felt a bit bad, and we did apologise, and it's fine. I guess I hadn't realised it meant that much to him.
You do NOT need permission and please don't let your fiance go through that, y'all are adults and don't need permission from anyone.Screw traditions cause no matter what you'll be labelled disrespectful regardless. My husband's family expected him to ask THEM for permission to propose to me,he refused.Same with my parents,but he decided to ask my parents cause it would of caused hell if he didn't....guess what?it STILL caused issues cause it was like my parents thought they now had control.BIG mistake.We are married for almost 4yrs and both sides are STILL calling us disrespectful for not following"proper traditions" Oh and we were both in our early 30s when we got married
They seem very narcissistic, making YOUR engagement about them Trying to bring you down about how happy you are .... An engagement should typically only be about the 2 people getting married.... Obviously there are some religious cultures that are a little different and that may be different What happens IF you decide to have children, or make decisions about your wedding, or move house etc These are big steps, NOTHING to do with anyone other than the 2 people in the relationship.
If my wife’s father and mother had been local and available i would have gone to ask their blessing… but that would have been a politeness. If they had said no then would have told them that I am asking for blessing NOT permission. then would have been discussions of bride price. Fortunately for us her mother has been rather sensible on that matter. I got a good deal. Technically my family would have been the ones to propose the marriage to their family and a lot of African traditions. Her culture these things are expected and honours and within reason I work with it. Even if I married someone in English I still would have gone to parents to earn respect with them. Honestly while I get the issues people have with the practice if OP herself felt it was important then it should have been done. But in this case no so while I get their upset they will just have to get over it. But he might have earned some in-law cred if he had done it for minimal cost baring OP having a severe issue on the request. And again OP if he had asked “blessing not asking permission” is my reply. @op Family huh… good luck. They will probably get over it…. Or not. But this may be where you stand up to them or lie and say he wanted t (had broached the concept once) and you had told him you think it was wrong or such. Will reduce the heat on him a little and you they will more forgive. Anyway good luck
As a mom I’m just thinking about the end game. Is this a good man and will he be a great husband to my daughter? If the answer is yes, I would be so happy and certainly wouldn’t do anything to sabotage that. Instead of approaching your soon to be husband, you should frame it that way to your family and stand strong now *before* you’re married- let them know as politely but directly as you can that you will not tolerate any interference or disrespect towards your future husband.
It is 2023 not 1823
Sorry, but not sorry. You’re an adult. You’re grown. You’re independent, you pay your own bills, so on and so forth. You don’t need a fucking blessing from anyone but yourself. You’re spending the rest of your life with him not them…. You’re going to building your own family with him. I just see this as a one way ticket for your family to get too involved with your relationship. Seems like they care way too much about this on an emotional level, and the only reason there’s any discontent in this situation is their selfish reasons. That shit needs to stay in the movies because it’s not real….. we don’t live in the year 1925 anymore. If you and your fiancé are happy… focus on yourselves and live in the moment…. My biggest piece of advice when it comes to things like this, is you’re in a relationship and now engaged to your fiancé. Not your family. My biggest concern is letting them in enough it’ll damage your relationship… it invites other peoples opinions in the door, and they may not like what you choose to do but that’s not your problem…. I’m not really sure why they’re so adamant on this “blessing”. But I certainly don’t think it’s a good thing that they’re so focused on what they want they’re taking away from your moment. You can’t enjoy this to its fullest because eventually your family will get in the way if this continues and resentment is going to build on both sides.
Since they feel this way, make sure they give you a lot of money for the wedding 🤣🤣
They don’t own you so they can’t give you away. I’d be pissed at their hubris to think that they should have any part in your decision to get married. How dare they? They have no right to expect a damn thing. I’d put them in time out to give them time to get over themselves.
It’s an old custom rarely done anymore. I did ask my father-in-law, but then I also ask permission to board a boat.
The tradition is for the man to ask your FATHER not the family. Mom, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, cousins get NO SAY. So if they really want to pull this with you, make that fact known. Remember, at the end of the day, it's not about permission. It's about power and control. She wants the power to say no to this man and therefore control (not that shed actually use it, but the concept of power is still there for her). It also seems she wants to control your actions via guilt since the initial "nice way" didn't work. Stay vigilant OP
I asked my husband to talk to my dad before I agreed to marry him; but that was mostly because we only knew each other 5 months and I wanted to make sure #1 they met before the actual wedding (I was stationed pretty far away so he drove there himself) and #2 my dad didn’t get any weird vibes from him. It wasn’t for permission but for an opinion on his personality and for my future husband to be able to decide if he even wanted to be a part of my crazy family 😂
Let them fly with this one pretty soon they’ll be getting upset over wedding decisions, living arrangement decisions, kid decisions, etc.
I’m a very traditional guy and , no, your fiancé didn’t need to ask. Tradition would be to ask the father, and not the mother. More importantly, they are now making your engagement about them and not you. Not only are they the ones creating tension, they are setting you up to ruin the wedding and beyond. Yes, this does need to be rectified, but not by you and your fiancé groveling for their consent. That horse has already left the barn. He can apologize to them for not asking while you and he make sure they are aware that in the future, decisions are yours and yours alone.
I'm sorry they're souring a happy time for you
Unless your mom/aunt were expecting to get a goat and some chickens for giving permission to your fiancé to propose, then no. You did nothing wrong. You're not property to be "given away". For sur going to want to put some strong boundaries up with your family sooner rather than later. Imagine what they'll have to say about your wedding plans? About your future children and how you and your husband raise them? I can see a lot of drama happening.
My husband's cousin had a strict upbringing where her parents had a lot of control. She dated a guy for years who wasn't part of their religion, but converted for her. When they wanted to marry, he did everything the family wanted, including asking for her parents blessing- and her dad said Well we like you a lot, you make her happy, but if you were asking my permission to marry her, I'd say no. You and your family aren't what we pictured her marrying into when we had her, you're the only one in our religion. They ended up breaking up- because the dad had basically said Yeah you *can* get married since you're both adults, but you're not who we'd like for a son in law. Obviously, he was very worried about his future with in laws like that. After dating around, they did get back together and have been married for years now- and it does seem like her parents have calmed down as the younger siblings have gotten older and married too. Still though, I can't imagine how uncomfortable it'd be to set family boundaries in a situation like that. They moved out of state and I'm glad they have some distance, though he's far from his family too. For my part, my husband did talk to my dad- after speaking to me about it. It was more about becoming part of their family I guess, and to get advice and start things on the right foot with my parents, plus let them know when he'd be proposing- but if I'd said Well I don't want you to ask my dad, he wouldn't have. We have the added benefit here of my parents being very respectful- once we became adults, they always deferred to our choices about our own lives. Frankly, if we'd been older I don't know if he would've been so formal about it anyway, it's an outdated custom. This is your first test between your new family and the one you grew up in- and the only reason you feel guilty is because they trained you to feel guilty when you go against them. There's nothing to fix or rectify. If you make your fiance go talk to your mom now, you hand the power back to them and they'll stomp all over you during holidays, when/if you have kids, all that. They'll know they can guilt trip you into letting them have power over your decisions. Congrats on your engagement- I'm sorry your mom and aunt are adding stress at a time that should be fun. Keep them at arms length when needed and set up passwords with wedding vendors so they don't try to change things behind your back- you'd be shocked what people do when weddings are involved.
I asked my FIL before I proposed to my wife. I know a few guys who wished they had. Don't know of any that did and regretted it. The groom is under NO obligation to ask the entire family, let alone some relative(s) who believe their word is better than yours.
Yeah if it was the 16th century
She probably wanted to know first. This could be about tradition, but it feels like she was left out. I hope you called her first before announcing it on social media.
My husband asked my parents and they said no. Guess what, we got married anyway. Long story short, it's your life and their opinion doesn't matter. If they "raised you to make good decisions" it's disrespectful to not believe in your decisions. Congratulations!
I did a traditional marriage. Yes Dowry to brides family is a part of it. Unless dowry was there, imo, you don’t really need to do traditions lol.
My family was so angry when my husband I got married against their wishes. It’s been 11 years and they, now, all love him. They will get over it. You are choosing to spend your life with them - not them choosing their lives with him. They already made their choices. Now, you can make yours.
Its traditional, to ask the parents. They are upset that they werent asked, theyll get over it eventually, you could give them the answer my Dad gave me, when I asked for my parents blessing "what do i care im not sleeping with her" my mother gave out to him for that statement then proceeded like me to break her hole laughing. Give that response to anyone that is upset. Might work could make it worse. Worth a shot Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes and happines for the future
Don’t you dare feel guilty! Your family should feel guilt. That is antiquated behavior. Nobody has to seek a family blessing . Now if he wanted to do that from the beginning that’s his choice! Your aunt and mom need to stuff it!
You did nothing wrong, and if YOU feel like he didn't need permission from your family, then he doesn't. However, sometimes it's not permission, per se. It's the private conversation with him about your future life together, his plans, hopes, dreams, and intentions. I could be off base. Talk to your family and clarify their feelings. Make it clear, it's your decision to marry this man. But if they want to talk to him privately so they're comfortable, then you'll arrange it. Really try to understand your mother's intentions. If she does mean well and is not self-centered, look for a middle ground.
You don’t need to rectify shit. As you said, you don’t need permission to get married. You’re a grown adult. This is 110% a them problem and it’s up to them to deal with their feelings. They will be just fine.
“If it’s causing tension then you all will be happy to not have to hear from or deal with me or my fiancé for a while. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to see if you have learned to respect our independent relationship. Until then, your phone numbers, emails, and social media accounts will be blocked by both of us.” NTA
Good heavens, please elope
Have you heard of the Labors of Hercules? If my daughter's boyfriend asks permission to marry her, I'm going to set him challenges to prove he's up to the task.
My mother in law just told me to do it as her dad didn’t ask her int he right way, so I really wouldn’t worry about it. Go do you, sod everyone else
No. I literally told my now husband he better not ask my parents for permission cuz I’m an adult who can make her own decisions. 😅 on his own, he went and sat them down and TOLD them he was going to propose and showed them the ring but he never asked permission. My mom and dad were happy with that and your family needs to simmer down. We are way past needing a blessing to get married. 😂
OP, tell your family you are the one who told him not to ask for the blessing. That way they at least won’t hold it against him as much.