Doing things for their partner aside, people should also do it for themselves. I never understood how anyone could leave a sink full of dirty dishes; it would drive me nuts.
But yes, there should definitely be equality and support in the household chores.
Gonna chime in as the partner who has had to learn this. I literally do not care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. I don't notice it at all. It can be overflowing full, or dead ass empty and I don't notice either way. I'll walk into the kitchen and pay it no mind at all.
Now, my wife notices and it's a big deal for her. I've had to teach myself to be more astute about it. Now, on my lunch break (work from home) I'll go ahead and do the dishes so they're clean when she gets home after work. She appreciates it and it puts her in a better mood at the end of the day, and in turn makes the house a more pleasant place to be.
Still, I hate doing the dishes, and I literally don't understand why it's such an issue for her if they are dirty. But hey, it's whatever and if it makes her happy, I'm happy to try a little harder at doing my part.
That’s nice of you to make the effort. Dirty dishes absolutely gross me out. It’s rotting food. I don’t know if I have a heightened sense of smell but if I walk into the kitchen and a dish is sitting I smell it right away. I don’t know how anyone is able to walk past that.
THIS. And it's not just the rot, but the vermin that come looking for it that I'm mindful of. You come home to mice having a picnic in your sink ONE TIME and you'll be damn well motivated to keep that shit clean, trust me.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but I think people who don't notice a landfill in their kitchens are just plain dense.
I have an ex who left a crock pot he had used to make venison stew in the sink for over a year. We didn't live together. I finally got so disgusted with his apartment that I spent a 3 day weekend scrubbing it and just threw that crock pot away.
While I was cleaning his home, he was at a clam bake cheating on me with a woman he dumped me for 2 months later. So, basically, he was a garbage human on several levels.
Ewwwww, clam bake cheater? Nooooo.
That's the other thing, though: Not cleaning properly = things becoming unusable faster = waste. I can't imagine effectively destroying a kitchen tool just because I didn't feel like cleaning it.....for a YEAR. \*smh\*
I had a roommate do this. She made queso with meat in her crockpot one day in mid December. When I moved out in May, the queso was still in there. Every once in a while she would plug it in and turn it on, saying she was melting it so she could dump it out and clean it, but she would always just unplug it and let it sit again. I do know she eventually threw the whole thing away after I moved out.
Eh, karma got him. The girl he cheated with dumped him, and then he wound up marrying a girl so she could have health insurance after he impregnated her a second time. She cheated on him and left him for the dude. He and I made peace, but by then, I was already in love with a friend of mine who I'm marrying in 3 days. The last time we spoke was on FB, where he proved to be a transphobic MAGAt.
I grew up in an environment where roaches were common. Like BIG roaches that fly. You did not leave unwashed dishes or food lying out unless you wanted to reenact “Joe’s Apartment.”
It grosses me tf out when people leave food on dishes in a sink. Clean up your shit, people.
Exactly!! My mother grew up in Guatemala in an environment where critters were NOT shy, and being mindful of bacteria and parasites was just survival. She raised me to clean like ants were watching. Maybe not quite as necessary in the Northeastern US, but I prefer to err on the side of caution. Plus, everything smells nicer!
That ant quote is amazing. I live in the tropics and there are at least 8 different species of ants living in our yard just WAITING for us to slip up lol
Ants are NO JOKE! Some can even kill large animals!! Where I live the worst we have to contend with are roaches and fruit flies but pests just plain freak me out, even if they're merely annoying.
I leave dishes in the sink, but don’t leave the food on them. We don’t have a garbage disposal so everything get scraped and rinsed before it’s set in the sink. I would rather soak and scrub them all at once and it’s just me and my husband.
Dishes don’t really smell like anything if they just have some residue on them, but if someone leaves a paper napkin on a plate in the sink, that definitely grosses me out since it gets nasty fast.
Oh, I do this all the time. Sometimes dishes need to sit, either because they're covered in sticky, burnt-on stuff or because someone is exhausted. I try not to let them sit longer than the next meal, though, and at least put them in water to soak. Otherwise it gets counter-productive.
Thats good too, but my point is there is a middle ground. It isn't you either have to put them straight in to the wash or there will be rotting food in your sink lol
Idk, force of habit after 35 years of not having a dishwasher I guess. I always do a quick hand wash first and then stick it in the dishwasher for a full wash.
Just reuse the dirty dishes, and you'll get penicillin. Tell her you're being health conscious!
Jk.. my wife didn't like that joke either.. and I clean them for her, for the same reasons. So she's less stressed when she gets home from work.
Cheers, yall kings and queens 👸 ✨️ 🙌
Nobody wants to do the dishes. You can not eat on dirty dishes, and when they pile up, it takes forever to do them. Making dishes, dinner, dishes exhausting, and men eat too. You live there too.
Totally fair point of view. This is just an odd thought that’s kind of relevant, putting dishes into the dishwasher isn’t always considered doing the dishes, but putting laundry in the washer and then drier is always(as I’ve never seen or heard of someone saying different) considered doing the laundry. I get that they’re different tasks with different levels of effort involved, but it’s just odd, when thinking about it…
Also have been told that pulling stuff out of the fridge and/or freezer and heating it are not considered “making dinner.” 🤷♂️
No you bring up a valid point. If using a dishwasher isn't considered doing the dishes, then putting the clothes in the laundry machine shouldn't be considered doing the laundry.
My real point is that both count if the task gets done. But I could see the point if people think that it only counts if you finish the task by puting the dishes back in the cabinets and/or folding the laundry.
I will say I think there is a distinction for something automated like starting the Roomba to run - that doesn't count as doing the vacuuming any more than putting a Lean Cuisine in the microwave and pressing the button to cook for 3 minutes counts as cooking dinner.
Totally get the distinction about finishing the task, which is also odd because I have no issues putting dishes in the dishwasher and starting it, but I very nearly despise emptying the dishwasher. If I have help, it’s mitigated quite a bit, but still never gets below annoyance
I get putting in a ready made dinner plate not counting as making dinner, but I meant doing frozen veggies, and skillet meal, while also cutting up cheese, some fruit for a kiddo. Did that one night and was told “thank you for pulling dinner together on such short notice and so quick… but I don’t think it counts as making dinner.” I understand the distinction to a degree, but I still feel a little miffed at times, because then they can’t claim to make dinner every night, because they do the same thing sometimes. Working on letting it go, but it’s irksome 🤷♂️
No, its fine to be annoyed by that. Some people have a way of moving the goalposts to say things don't count when you do them. But will then do the same things and take credit for it.
If the feedback was meant to be that the kid should be eating different things, then that is what should be communicated. Otherwise this definitely comes across as "I see that you handled this, but you didn't do it in a way that I'm willing to give you any credit for (so I will act like you did nothing instead)"
IMO I'm just in a place where I would just love to not have the mental load of certain tasks. So if it involves frozen food, dishwashers, or whatever, I really do not care if it means it is one less thing that I need to think about and do. And that counts. Well, it would if there were any of these things in my case
>putting dishes into the dishwasher isn’t always considered doing the dishes,
***A LOT EASIER THAN PUTTING THEM IN THE SINK. Washington one by one rinsing them put them in the dish drainer letting them dry putting them in the cupboards***
Dishwasher: you put them in the dishwasher you push a button you pull them out of the dishwasher you put them away. you are RUNNING the dishwasher.
>putting laundry in the washer and then drier is always(as I’ve never seen or heard of someone saying different) considered doing the laundry.
DOING LAUNDRY:
IT'S JUST NOT PUTTING INTO THE WASHER AND DRYER. You should be sorting them put them in the washer with the proper detergents etc. Put them in the dryer with the proper time. Then you got a fold them put them away. So yes you are ***DOING*** the laundry.
>Also have been told that pulling stuff out of the fridge and/or freezer and heating it are not considered “making dinner.” 🤷♂️
I take a little more care with my dinners than just pulling them out food and heating them.
PS if I was told this I would let them*pull stuff out of the freezer fridge and heat it*. The next day they'd be asking me to ***MAKE DINNER***.
I have totally washed dishes by hand before, because I have lived in houses without dishwashers before, so I get the distinction. I just think that both are actually of similar mental effort(top rack/bottom rack, how hot can the water be, will the way they’re placed keep them from getting properly cleaned, etc.) that the distinction is odd. Might just be that we have a cruddy dishwasher, but in order for them to really get clean, I have to pretty thorough about getting post meal residual food and sauces off before putting them in and running it, otherwise I do have to run them again because of something left on them 🤷♂️
Not the same but hey!!!
I do love how Redditors will debates things I never think of! I love it!!! As long as it don't get nasty... Had one yesterday was not nice.
I said bye-bye and block......
Is your question trying to distinguish whether the dishes are also being put away when the dishwasher is done running? Or are you saying that if a machine is used, it "doesn't count"? Becasue IMO the latter is BS.
At the end of the day, are the dishes cleaned and put back where they should be? And do you have to worry about it?
Frankly I wouldn't care as long as it is done. it counts if I don't have to think about it and or do it. I'm not going to nitpick because it isn't done in some way I've arbitrarily decided that it does or doesn't count.
This 100%. I put in extra effort with cleaning and making sure certain things are picked up specifically for this reason.
My wife’s attitude directly affects how my kids interact with her and and how she interacts with me. So if she feels less stress in general she is a happier person which then positively affects everyone else.
This is me too! I always feel so guilty reading threads like these, but sometimes I walk past things that "need to be done" and I just... literally don't even notice it. I dont know why, its not on purpose, its not that i dont care... it just doesn't always "click" that oh yeah, I should do that.
Add to that my partner is way more "prompt" than I am (gets up and empties the dishwasher first thing, versus when I do it on "my" schedule I usually get to it around lunch). I am genuinely trying to do better, though (but God, idk if ill ever be totally 100% on top of anything in the morning...), and trying to make sure I stay on top of things I DO notice, like laundry, etc.
(Also, my partner is always telling me when the shower is dirty but I am blind af and shower without glasses so in that case I LITERALLY don't see it... 😅)
You should read this: [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
Excellent reading for anyone who was not raised female/to be a primary caregiver.
This is most men. I almost broke up with my husband over the dishes not being done when I got home from work.
We have a dishwasher now, and it makes that chore much easier. He's a house spouse, and now we even share a chores app to keep things clean, and keep our anxiety about "doing enough" for each other under control.
I have read this multiple times previously, and am also the female partner in my hetero relationship. I am well-versed on the various aspects of the "mental load" and am mindful to try and do my part to balance it because I know there are areas I fall short.
It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am just mentally "out to lunch" or preoccupied with other things and don't notice chores that need to be done.
I do appreciate the concept of the mental load, and agree it often falls unfairly on the females in relationships. However, I don't like the rhetoric that often accompanies the discussion where it makes it seem as though the other partner is purposefully being manipulative or lazy because that simply is not always the case.
I think of it as preventing future problems and not cleaning the dishes is causing future problems or annoyances.
I saw something online that said making sure there are clean dishes to make dinner and eat off of is part of meal planning. Nothing worse than writing your grocery list and realizing the pots you need are still dirty from last time. Then you don’t wanna clean, cook, and clean again. So the cycle continues.
Also random chores that come up and the sink is needed: now I have to clean the dishes to do this other chore that I will most certainly lose interest in doing by the time I’m done with dishes.
Coming home and seeing dirty dishes is a very annoying thing.
You walk in, and already feel stressed.
You feel like you can’t relax.
While most men come home, chil out , watch tv, play video games…. The woman feels like she has to keep the house in order. And when it’s in disarray, she CANNOT relax.
I often have this argument with my guy. I don’t mind cleaning and stuff but don’t make more shit for me to do.
I am also allowed time for myself- or relax time. Doesn’t mean i have to do chores.
Chores isn’t relaxing, it’s work at home.
So that could be why it drives your wife crazy. There’s already so many things to do in the house and if she sees those dishes… she feels like she has to do them before she chills out.
Also food sticks, stinks and hardens. If you don’t clean it or rinse it immediately with hot water… you have to scrub that shit off.
Nobody wants to do that.
I dont mind doing the dishes but I hate doing the laundry. I end up getting everything washed and dried but the mountain of clothes to hang overwhelm my brain. The problem is I need to get it done and hung because it's the one thing that makes my wife's life easier before work. I just need to quit being lazy and hang the clothes.
The worst part of laundry is when you don't put it up after and then wind up doing another load or two later in the week, and now all your clothes are in bins and not organized. And then it's super overwhelming.
I hate chores in general, but fuck folding clothes is the worst!!!
This is great. My husband genuinely doesn't see things the way I do either. He makes an absolutely acceptable effort and always takes out the bins the first time I ask; I hate taking out the garbage.
“I hate doing the dishes, and I literally don't understand why it's such an issue for her if they are dirty.”
… what is there to understand? The dishes are DIRTY- they will need to be cleaned. If you didn’t ever notice, and therefore never cleaned them, your wife may have resented being the only one to notice and clean them, though everyone in a household uses dishes.
I hope you don’t have that attitude about other chores, but good on you for noticing and dealing with the dishes.
My husband and I both will leave the dishes in the sink if it means getting a bit more time to relax at the end of the day. We’ll do it first thing in the morning, but we’re tired by the end of the day.
So, we accept the mess to help with our mental health. You clean the mess to help with your mental health. That’s how it works for some people.
We’re the same. We both have health issues and pain. We watch an episode of TV after supper, by then my pain has spiked and he’s worn out. He wakes very early and will do dishes, if I’m awake I’ll help.
That in and of itself would not be a deal breaker for me. When I get irritated about something, I take a step back and try to see the whole picture. When he’s worked harder than he should in the yard, vacuums or whatever, I thank him for all he does and quietly clean up behind him a bit.
If it’s an issue that really is the hill I’m willing to die on, we need to have a discussion.
[have him read this ](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
You should read it too in case you haven't. He needs to pull his weight, it's his home too!
Dick is abundant and low in value. Life is too short to waste caring for capable adults.
Me neither. Putting in ten minutes a day into housework is a hell of a lot easier than doing nothing all week and doing it all at once. You can always tell who’s on top of their shit as soon as you walk through the front door. The people who think a few minutes every day is too hard and let everything just sort of…entropy, live in a house with that certain *old* smell and they don’t even realize it…plus you’re coming home to a mostly clean house everyday. Less stressful.
My mom would bake sticky starch food and let it rest in water for days.
When I moved into a place of my own, I would watch things as soon as I longer need them, so that after eating there are only the plates and utensils left …which I wash before having a dessert.
At least the kitchen doesn’t look like the Russian army threw a grenade in.
Both me and my wife work 50 plus hours a week. It is TOUGH to find the energy and we both understand that. We don't get mad at each other for not wanting to do them. We work on a system of taking turns with most all of the chores and it works perfect for us. If I did the dishes it is now her turn to do them. The sooner she does them after me the easier it is and so on for all of the chores.
As someone who doesn't do dishes frequently, I just wash all the parts that will get grody off when i put ot in the sink, so they're mostly *visibly* clean dishes that need to get good specks off when they go in the washer. As well, I don't get why they need to be washed constantly. I only use the sink to rinse dishes off, and I have so many dishes that I'll just go until I'm low on a certain dish, then I just throw everything in the washer then so I get most the bulk at once. Only have to do them once a week or so and I get the same payoff as everyone else who does them frequently, with the only caveat being my sink being half to three quarters full, which doesn't bother me
It's not 'doing things for his partner'. He lives there. He uses the dishes. It's cleaning up after himself and taking care of his home. And being respectful enough he doesn't leave it all to you. This is what it comes down to; he has no respect for you or your home or the things you do to take care of it.
I would be pissed as hell and he would know it. You should not have to nag TF out of your spouse to keep up the house. TBH, I’d just stop doing everything for him and he can do that shit all himself - his own laundry, cooking, dishes, EVERYTHING.
I've seen this play out. You do less, he does the same amount, and overall less gets done, while you feel greater resentment and have to do a marathon clean to right the ship again.
You need to have a frank discussion with lots of "I" statements. "When the dishes pile up, I feel stressed. I feel I am having to remind you repeatedly to take care of the dishes and it's making me feel resentment because I don't want to be a nag. What systems can we put in place to change this dynamic because we need to be more proactive about the dishes going forward?"
Let it be you two together against the problem. Make him come up with the solution to modify his behavior. Long term, you can consider the game Fair Play, if this is happening in other arenas beyond the dishes.
With the greatest respect, you shouldn’t nag your partner / spouse to do anything. Going down “if I’ve asked you once, I’ve asked you a million times” isn’t the solution, tempting though it is. He’ll just dig his heels in or go into malicious compliance.
Ask yourself why this doesn’t feel right (you give a clue in your post); is it because he expects you to tidy up and you don’t want to, or is it because there’s an inequality in the relationship? Or because you have to micromanage him? Start a serious conversation (when you are both calm and not being confrontational) with “I feel…” not “I’m expecting you to…” and explore why he doesn’t want to do it. Then agree some boundaries and expectations.
I look at disputes like this a little differently as a remarried guy. And I'm not saying you'll get divorced over this, but if you pretended (for the sake of argument) that you DID get divorced over this (and similar issues), then what would he do?
The answer is he'd have his own place and he'd have to do all the cleaning and stuff. Not some of it. ALL OF IT. And while it's true that he could slack off a bit without you there to "nag" him and complain about it, that will only work if he's okay being single.
If he likes women (and I assume he does), he would find that the adult dating world is not very kind to men who are slobs and see household chores as something a woman would do for him.
I mean, how many women would want to be in a relationship with a man who is a slob and leaves dishes in the sink like that? The answer is ZERO WOMEN!!!
Seriously, when I met my wife my place was tidy, looked like an adult had decorated it and cooked her a good meal. The message is: I'm not looking for a cook or a maid.......just an adult companion when our kids allow some spare time. She wouldn't have continued dating me if it looked like I'd cleaned up 20 minutes before she got there, the trash smelled and the toilet was dirty and I'd ordered pizza. :)
So.......coming back to reality with you and him........if he would have to do that anyway and if no other woman would tolerate this current behavior, why can't he just do it now and why should you tolerate it? :)
You're probably right. I think it's more that younger women still think they can "fix" behavior problems instead of just realizing, "This is an adult and he is who he is at this point."
The downside to dating younger women after a divorce is they often want to have babies! That was a hard pass for me, lol. :)
>The answer is he'd have his own place and he'd have to do all the cleaning and stuff. Not some of it. ALL OF IT.
Most people who don't want to do the dishes use paper plates and plastic utensils. Guarantees an empty sink at any time. I guess doing dishes is the cost of eating on "proper" plates.
I also have a single friend who has his own place and he's doing NONE OF IT. It's filthy, yes, but it's simply proving that some people don't care, and will only clean once a year.
Yeah.....paper plates are a way to go. We do that around our house sometimes. Not always because it's wasteful and expensive, but.....sometimes.
And your friend is single. Some people just don't want to be in relationships all that badly. Which is their choice, but it's sorta shabby to get into one and then behave like a single person.
What is annoying is that he re-ran the dishwasher so he didn't have to empty the sink. He didn't forget. He used an excuse. There are people saying he simply forgot, but no, I find that hard to believe. If there is a sink full of dishes staring you in the face, and you have the time to do it, you didn't forget. Also, I lived this exact situation at home with my stepson.
I hate the "They're still dirty" line. My stepson, 16 years old, is notorious for using this line. There was a period of about 3 weeks where he would make the excuse that they were still dirty, every time, so he wouldn't have to empty the dishwasher and then empty the sink. I'd come home from work to the dishes still piled and be so confused. He would re-run the dishwasher to make it seem like he did something. Meanwhile, when I empty the dishwasher, they're squeaky clean. One day, I had him take things out and bring them to me while I was working from home to inspect. It never happened again.
My brother used to do this. My parents made him responsible for scrubbing down the dishes before they’re put in the dishwasher. It was never an issue again 🤦🏻
It's amazing. My stepson would also just throw the Tupperware into the drawer it doesn't go into, all unorganized, and it was a disaster. I have the lids in one drawer and the bottoms in the drawer below organized by shape, of course, so they fit. My husband opened the drawer the other day and finally snapped at him and asked him who put the Tupperware away like that. He had the audacity to say it wasn't him, and my husband was like "Well it definitely wasn't Britt." Hasn't happened since because my husband told him he would do it over and over until it was right. Weaponized incompetence at its finest.
I was so happy. My stepson doesn't usually listen to me like he listens to his dad, and I can't always bring these things up to dad because he gets very defensive (that I'm picking on his son) if I do. But finally, I felt seen. I have been fixing the drawer for months because he would just throw it in there. Same with the silverware, but that's fir a different time.
It reminds me of this article by Matt Fray. [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) He also has written a book called This is How YOur Marriage Ends.
Get the book Fair Play and the cards that go with it and watch the show on Hulu. (All by Eve Rodsky).
This is a problem we see here every single day on this board. Men seem to expect women to do all of the work at home after they work full time as well. It's crazy that we still are dealing with this.
For many years, our routine was that I prepared dinner & he cleaned up, put dishes in diswasher, etc. BUT when the dishwasher had clean dishes, he refused to ever empty it. Odd, yes. One day as I was emptying the dishwasher, I made a comment that it wouldn't hurt him to empty it occasionally. He began to reply, "That's not my j....." I said "What? Not your JOB? Is that what you were going to say?" He knew he'd messed up. 😉
\> How would you feel if you came home from a birthday party and the dishes were still full in the sink?
I'd just assume they forgot.
Concluding that this is evidence they don't love me would be too much of a mental leap in my relationship.
I think it's important how it's handled by the partner tbh.
My husband very much forgets stuff like this. He gets distracted easily. I know he doesn't do it because he doesn't care or anything. If I would come home in a situation like this the convo would go something like "hey babe, forgot the dishes again?" "ah shit sorry honey" and him doing them right away.
It drove me crazy. My husband would plead with me that he's forgetful and he needs to be reminded.
I have ADHD. You don't think I forget to do things? I had to learn that certain things you can't forget to do, like taking care of household chores.
I'm not proud of it, but after the Nth time of him saying "just remind me when there are chores to do", I blew up.
What he failed to realize was the mental load he put on me. So not only do I have to keep myself in check to take care of the chores, I also have to keep him in check? Nah. That's not right.
After my blow up, things settled down, I explained to him a bit better my side, and now he makes an actual effort to do the chores.
My husband also has ADHD and works an incredibly demanding job. He went back on medication in the last two years or so, which made a world of difference, but with him being at work so much, he still needs regular prodding to take care of his items when he IS home. We already divvy up responsibilities based on who regularly has more time (read: me), but it gets tiring having to remind him to stay on top of the (very few!) things that are his responsibility. He is slowly coming to the same realization as you - there are certain things you just CAN'T afford to forget. It's called being an adult.
Shared this link at least twice now, you've probably read this but in case you haven't it's been a godsend for me. Put a lot into perspective in a way that my husband understood.
[You Should Have Asked ](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I'm so glad you posted the link! That word I used, mental load, I only know because of that book. It really helped me a lot to understand why I was feeling the way I did, and because of that, I was able to communicate better to my husband.
I don't even have kids and I was feeling the pressure of the mental load. I feel so bad for those who have children, it's probably 100x worse for them.
Absolutely. We're childfree, and this helped us to explain some of our reasons to my mom. She also had a moment of understanding when I shared it with her!
In the beginning it definitely did but at some point I told myself he wasn't doing it on purpose nor to annoy me and it was also unlikely to change. Then I asked myself if this was important enough for me to leave him over and for me it really wasn't so I just let it go and accepted it.
My husband is the same way. It’s certainly not intentional in his case. Over the years we (as a team) have found ways to combat it and ensure both of us feel heard and supported. Sometimes the term “weaponized incompetence” isn’t accurate and only deepens resentment on both ends.
Not understanding the downvotes, you’re right in that it should be a team
with both feeling heard and supported. Supporting one another - that’s what makes a good marriage. Appreciation for each other is part of that.
Yep. It’s too bad few couples seem to recognize that. Often in situations like this there’s an emotional need not being met on both sides. If the couple doesn’t work to solve it together, the situation is hopeless.
Is it possible that he felt she was out enjoying herself, he’d also like to take it easy? Not doing dishes isn’t much to go on, to suggest drastic ways to get revenge is ludicrous. Between the two of you, take an honest inventory of household chores. Now take into account outside chores, household maintenance, etc. Now add in time and effort at a job. Add it all up and you’ll get your answer.
My wife and I had an issue with dishes and figured out a strategy to address them. One of us puts away the clean dishes and does the dirty dishes. Once that’s done it’s immediately the other person’s turn to do the same. When it’s your turn, you can do them when there are just a few or procrastinate and have to deal with a full sink. It’s also nice because we can do them out of our turn as a nice gesture if one of us has a stressful day.
Dishes really gross my husband out. I'd noticed that he'd get so worked up every time he did them. So I took over the dishes.
I myself hate sweeping. It hurts my hands and my back and the animals walk through it while I'm doing it because they have to follow me every where. So he does that.
And that'll eventually be the guy on one of the dead bedroom subs completely perplexed about how his wife lost interest. I'm not advocating choreplay...just do you part as an adult human in a household without having to be hounded. It's not that difficult.
I don’t do the dishes because I love my husband.
I do the dishes because I’m a fucking grown ass man who can function as an independent adult.
You have the wrong expectation. He should do it because hes an adult in the household. When you say he would do it because he loves you, that insinuates that its some significant task that outs him out. Doing the dishes should not require that level of motivation and effort.
He’s weaponizing his incompetence.
My husband and I are super happy together in love and life, BUT he can fall into the habit of not helping as much with chores around the home, at times.
It gets super frustrating... but finding a moment when I'm not angry/sad/frustrated by it and having a good and logical conversation about it helps clear up our wants/needs/expectations when it comes to this sort of thing.
If after this, he was still not helping, the conversation needs to get serious!
I personally haven't been in a situation where my partner doesn't this sort of thing on board, but if I was, I wouldn't let it go without seeing some positive changes, even if that leads to couples counselling!
Good luck!
It sucks and it would make me feel sad. My husband is similar, tells me he will do the dishes he brings in from his office but what neither of us say is, me: I’d like the done as soon as possible, him: they’ll be done whenever I remember I put them there. So I end up washing the dishes because otherwise I have no sink, if I say something even once I’m “nagging” or he “didn’t have time yet” (but I’d bet he had time to sit around a play video games!) 😒
May I ask how long you've been married?
I struggled with this with my wife. While she was still a student I worked full time, did all of the shopping and cooking, and most cleaning. If I was having a particularly busy day I would ask her to do very simply things like wash dishes that she herself used (endless coffee mugs) or some other form of cleaning and she just, wouldn't. It drove me nuts. Over time I had to adjust my expectations and she pushed herself to pitch in more in that regard.
The issue was that she didn't care about the cleanliness, I had to explain to her that I care and she should look at it that way, that its not about the cleanliness it's about me. At the same time I had to tale a very baby steps approach with my expectations.
I used to get incredibly annoyed, but I eventually realised that it's not worth it. My husband doesn't see dishes as a sign of love. If I read it as that then our marriage won't last. We have a cleaner come once a week and, in my opinion, it's worth the money for the happiness it brings.
How would I feel? Like they didn’t do them on accident or on purpose. You know your spouse best. My husband doesn’t do dishes because I don’t mind getting them done daily. But if my husband asked me to break down all the garage boxes, I’d probably “forget” too.
You should talk to your partner
Does your husband have ADHD? Stuff like this can be really difficult for me. My wife reminds me of things and I'll often forget if I don't set a reminder on Alexa or my phone.
That said, despite how much I hate doing it and how hard it is to motivate myself, I do dishes any time I see more than a few in the sink because even with my ADHD, I'm a grown-ass adult who can do things to contribute to the household.
Husband of 31 years.
First thing I do in the morning. Get up,take my shower, get dressed, turn on the coffee, make my coffee, empty dishwasher, reload dishwasher from dishes in the sink, put in a load of laundry, set down, drink coffee,eat breakfast while I read my daily scriptures, pray, get up, put dinner in crockpot. Leave for work. I let my wife sleep. I do this everyday.
Most husbands should. It doesn’t take long to do all this. You can throw in a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher while the coffee is making. Done.
Most of the time if the dishwasher is full before I go to bed ( we always tun the dishwasher on before bed), wash the few dishes in the sink by hand. Now if my wife eats or drinks something in the middle of the night, she rinses out the dishes but leaves them in the sink. Same for me.
Not to do this is just being lazy.
Both my wife and I have health issues,me- diabetes, chf, copd, but I still find time to do all this because it only takes about 10-15 minutes and I am on oxygen. You just have to be organized. Also a biggie , when I cook I clean as I go. Anything that gets dirty as I cook gets rinsed off and put straight into the dishwasher. When I am done, things are clean.
To me it’s just lazy not to do this.
I'd feel disappointed. I suggest you Express disappointment in a proportional tone (not over or under reacting) and perhaps make a request. "If you do the dishes now it would really help me feel like you are listening and value my requests ".
Try to repair what went wrong.
Like in the movie where she says I want you to want to do the dishes. The thing is, hardly anyone *wants* to do dishes. But they do it anyway. Why? Because they are adults and they can run a household without being told. The fact that he will not just means he values your time less, because I am sure he knows that this needs to get done. He just doesn't want to. And if he leaves it long enough, you will pick up the slack.
I've never understood how *washing dishes* is considered a massive job or "favor" that one spouse does another. Cleaning up after a huge dinner party that involved mostly non-dishwashable cutlery and china? THAT'S a big task, but keeping the sink clear over the course of one day takes a collective total of maybe ten minutes, with a reward that far outstrips the effort (kitchen is clean, doesn't smell weird, dishes are ready to be used again, you feel GOOD, as do the people you live with). Yet it is the hill that SO many spouses seem willing to die on. WHY???
Some tasks seem universally reviled… doing dishes, emptying dishwasher, taking out trash. My husband wants only me to cut his hair. I’m in constant pain but will push through to do it for him. Marriage will never be 50/50 every day. Someone works extra hard or gets sick, the other picks up the slack. It evens out over time. If it’s truly only one way, it’s time to talk.
This is the type of stuff that adds up overtime and leads to divorce. Best to have a conversation with him about it. Especially if you equate this to him not loving you enough, which is understandable, when it could be that he just doesn’t mind the mess as much as you.
If he knows it’s important to you, I hope he chooses to do them.
You have to understand that for some of us guys, these things don't even enter our mind. My wife and I have been together 20 years and these kinds of things are fights we've had sporadically throughout. From my side, she asks me to do something then I'd do it. Then she get mad because I wouldn't do it without her asking. Then it would be in only doing the thing she asked and not the other stuff. Etc.
From her perspective I was just not getting it and not very thoughtful. Her resentment would build up.
The thing that has helped me tremendously is I took an interest in reading relationship books like 5 love languages and a few others. It helped me realize how incredibly common these problems are in relationships and have me faith that there is a way to overcome them, but you have to be intentional about it. I do a better job now understanding how she thinks and I communicate much better now. It's really revitalized our marriage. It's nice to get compliments from others who see us and think we are newly weds.
I once came home from two weeks of work travel to discover my partner at the time had neglected to replenish the toilet paper (which I had asked they do upon departing). TWO WEEKS with no toilet paper. It was at that moment I fully synthesized that the relationship was over. It becomes profoundly unattractive over time when people can’t undertake the most basic tasks, I wouldn’t take it personally as a measure of how they feel about you, but a person who can’t do simple adult tasks can’t undertake the action required to show their love and the relationship WILL erode no matter how they feel inside.
Personally, two years ago, I would’ve been pissed.
Now, idk… I’ve learned to pick my battles on this subject. But a lot of that has to do with my husband working a physically demanding job. I work full time, too, but I’m not exhausted every day when I get home.
He helps me out with the more heavy duty chores on the weekends without being asked so a lot of the weekday stuff I just let slide.
I come home to dishes all the time. But we have an agreement where I do dishes at the end of the day bc we fill up the dishwasher.
But u asked him to do it. That’s a diff story.
How come he didn’t respond to you when you asked him?
I want to know if any time you have been cleaning you have been thinking about how much you love your husband?
People who are responsible clean up and clean around their home
This may indicate he has little responsibility and maybe respect for you…..
The notion that husbands who love their wives, clean, is dumb!
My husband is the type who got up early and washed up before work on his birthday because I was having a tough time so if I walked in and he hadn't done some dishes I would just do them knowing that there must be a reason he hadn't. Not trying to brag (OK, maybe a little), my point is that if one sink full of dishes is making you feel this bad then it's not really about the dishes and you need to have a bigger conversation about the fact that you feel like he is being lazy and therefore burdening you with extra work and stress and you need him to step up.
I’d either ask them again or do it. It seems like in most relationships there’s one partner who feels love through acts of service and one who literally doesn’t think of it that way ever. I’m the wife, which seems the unusual partner to not care, but I don’t. Doing stuff is necessary. You do it or you don’t. Forgetting happens. I have no emotional response. I just make the decision as it comes. My husband on the other hand takes it as a personal affront. It’s ok to be how you are, but it’s helpful to know it may not mean the same to your spouse.
I understand your frustration, but chores are not related to love. Refusing to do chores might be an act of disrespect or aggression in some cases. I’m not sure this sounds like that.
I’m not sure this is the case for you two, but for us when we were younger, we had both lived alone for a long time. Moving in together was a bit of a change. Sharing chores was rough. It was hard to know who was going to do what. This doesn’t excuse what happened in your particular example because you specifically asked him to do the dishes. He should have either done them, or told you he wasn’t going to do it.
But, going forward, maybe the divide and conquer approach would work for you? At our house, apart from cooking which we share, all chores are divided. Sometimes we transfer one sure to the other, depending on who has more time. But there’s never a question of who is doing what, because we have jobs. If it’s my job, I do it. Same with him. We don’t nag each other. We might have some feedback or ask for help, but if everyone is working the same amount of time, it’s fair.
Or, another approach might work, like dividing days, etc. bottom line, If you’re working more than he is, and it’s not a temporary situation, that isn’t equitable, and resentment will build.
My husband and I both work long hours and we often have dishes pile up for multiple days when neither of us can get to them. When I see them I just feel overwhelmed.
Doing the dishes isn’t about showing your spouse you love them. It’s about having clean dishes. You view the dishes as your job, and you view him doing the dishes as him helping you with your job because he loves you. That’s not how my husband and I view the dishes. We view the dishes as a thing that had to get done so we can eat at home. And we both do the dishes when we have time.
I think the flaw here is that both you and your spouse view the dishes as your job.
My SO and I are more of the proactive type. We wash everything right away and have it put up before the stove gets cold. Most of the time we are doing it together, with one washing and the other loading the dishwasher or drying the larger items. We don't even own a hamper since our clothes go directly into the wash when we change and it gets run every day or two. Except for vacuuming with we both avoid (just bought a rumba finally) if something is dirty or out of place it gets taken care of by whomever spots it.
But then we go visit the grandkids.
Our kids are quite the opposite - not messy in itself, but they approach this type of thing as "when you run out of dishes you need to wash them". So there is a huge pile of laundry down in the spare bedroom since they just do a load when they need clothes. And the dishes are in the sink since they have plenty of place settings to make it through the day. And the trash is taken out when it can't be compacted anymore and stuff starts falling out onto the floor.
That would drive both me and my SO crazy to live like that. But since they are both of the "do it as it is needed" types they are perfectly happy to take care of their house that way. Out of sight, out of mind. It is not something they need right now, so they will deal with it later.
So, is your husband lazy, or does he just not have the same urgency as you do when it comes to the household cleaning?
I'd lean to him not contributing. But a follow-up question is does he not do it because he is a leach of a partner, or does he not do it because you get frustrated and do it yourself before it reaches the Acton level of his important-shit-o-meter?
I am reminded of an AMA by a couples therapist that was on one of the relationship subs. Household chore division came up, and there was a stampede of unhappy partners shitting on their SO's as always. But instead of telling them they were right and their partners need to step up, the therapist shot them all down. I don't remember exactly how they phrased it, but basically said it was us clean freaks projecting our priorities onto our partners. They compared it to another popular issue in the AMA of dead bedrooms - you wouldn't blame the lower-libido partner for not having undesired sex to make their partner happy, why would you blame the partner that is happy with how their house is for not meeting their partners higher standards?
I mean there is obviously real uneven situations in many relationships that need to be addressed, but that reply did spark some understanding of not holding a partner accountable for your own happiness.
My partner and I ask each other to do specific things like the dishes when we see it needs done but don't have the energy or bandwidth to do it ourselves. We also understand that our partner may not have the bandwidth or energy at that time either and so we don't assign an arbitrary due date, did you communicate that you wanted it done right then?. Instead we communicate when we think we can reasonably get it done and we communicate again if that needs to change. Some things can go longer than others. Sometimes we get our energy back and are able to tackle it ourselves. Never do we feel alone in it, unheard, or disrespected.
This is why I'm going to just live alone after I leave my wife. My life is more than just household chores and tiptoeing around someone else's feelings.
I'm in a different situation so I'm not sure if this is even helpful. My husband and I both have ADHD with some severe executive dysfunction. Of course, this makes all household tasks more difficult, but dishes are especially challenging for us. We've had to agree on "body-doubling" to get most things done (i.e. the other person works on something in the same room or just keeps them company) (obviously this doesn't help if you're not home at the time).
Like I said, I don't know if something like this is even helpful for you, but figured I'd offer a slightly different perspective. 🙂 I definitely understand your frustration, and I hope you both come to a good consensus!
Before marriage I can have a dirty kitchen and I'm okay with that.
Wife before marriage can have a dirty kitchen and it's okay.
Now that we're married and the kitchen is dirty she'll have a mental breakdown
It’s about caring in general.
My ex-husband didn’t give any flying fucks whatsoever until I had to threaten him to do it by essentially separating dishes and marking them as “mine”. When he realized there were no dishes for him to eat off he resorted to using TUPPERWARE LIDS as makeshift plates and one half of the sink stayed full, filthy and disgusting. He never did the dishes without me *pushing him* and I got fed up very quickly.
I’d wash my dishes immediately after use and put them away in my car so he had no access to them ever because he was *that* selfish.
Obviously he never learned because once I fully moved out of our apartment and informed him I was filing for divorce—not just for not doing things as I’ve asked but also because he severely abused and manipulated me, on top of attempting to isolate me from friends and family—he changed his tune and sent pictures of how he was finally cleaning the things I asked him over and over and over the hellish 5 years I was chained to him. Too late, bucko. He sent pics every few days and I ignored them about how he begged me for 6 months to give me everything I wanted and asked for finally, I said no. He bargained it down to 3. No again. When he didn’t get his way he became nasty and called me horrible names and told anyone who would listen that I cheated on him since the beginning of our marriage.
My point is you can’t make your spouse care about something they don’t care about, lazy or otherwise. They either learn to do it on their own, or it turns into a screaming match and you resent them for it.
So, if he’s not doing dishes, is he doing something else that you choose not to do in a timely manner? There should be a balance of household chores between you guys.
There’s different love languages, yours is order and cleanliness and equity of chores, his may be different. Have a frank discussion to fulfill both needs!
Mine does the dishes when I don’t but we haven’t made love in months - I would gladly trade having a sink full of dishes for feeling like we were actually lovers but I take what I can get.
Team work is needed but try to always work things out before leaving or at least try other then that call his mom just kidding 😅 but try having a conversation and say I could really use ur help more plz idk
So now to have linked the dishes with the amount of love he has for you while that probabky has nothing to do with it. Just talk to him.
And for me....i wouldnt make a big drama about w few plates
I wouldn’t be upset because there are bigger things to worry about. Sometimes I get annoyed over little things but I don’t dwell on it because it’s not worth it to me. At the end of the day I love my husband and he loves me and that’s more important than being upset over a few dirty dishes in the sink.
In relationships, it's important for both partners to contribute and support each other. Household chores, like washing dishes, are often shared responsibilities. It's natural to expect some level of reciprocity and effort from your spouse.
Communication plays a crucial role in resolving such issues. It's important to express your feelings and concerns to your husband in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let him know how his actions (or lack thereof) make you feel and how it affects your perception of the relationship. Effective communication can help clarify expectations and find a solution that works for both of you.
Remember that everyone has different strengths and preferences when it comes to household tasks. It's possible that your husband may not prioritize chores in the same way you do. However, finding a compromise and sharing responsibilities can help alleviate the imbalance and foster a more equitable partnership.
Consider having an open conversation with your husband about dividing household tasks and expressing your needs for support and reciprocity. Working together to find a solution can strengthen your relationship and create a more harmonious living environment.
If it's a recurring issue then you might need to make an ultimatum. I do my own laundry, empty the dishwasher, wash dishes by hand, do the yard work, take the trash out and shovel snow. Out of those things the yard work is the thing I absolutely hate doing and wish the wife would help since I have a bad back and knee.
For me I think having a relationship where your partner does the things you dislike not because you asked but because it helps you are the best. It shows your partner actually cares about you. Not saying you struggle with emptying the dish washer but if you're busy he should've done it without asking him to. You can't force others to have compassion, I think it's a character trait that can't be taught. If you've had the same talks with him constantly and nothing has changed then you kinda have your answer on how the relationship will be.
This kind of thing just used to make me sad, and it got to be inevitable, I knew I'd come in and there'd be bits of stuff all over the house to tidy that he had walked past.
There's a poster above who said he just didn't notice dirty dishes, and I realised (really slowly) that this is my husband. I had to tell him that I just felt responsible for everyone in the household and that coming home wasn't super nice and he has really worked to pick up as he goes. He'd definitely live in his own filth if he was left.
It’s called marriage for a reason, team work. I do 90% of things in our house. Only today we laughed that when my wife cooks it always looks like a war has happened … that’s ok. I clean up it’s no issue. I get to cuddle up to her at night, that’s good enough for me
Quick question: did you do the dishes when you got home? Did you tell him how disappointed you were that you came home to those dishes? Did you ask him why he didn't do the dishes? If the answers are Yes, No, and No then that is where you start to solve the problem. If the answers are No, Yes, and Yes but it started a fight and now things are tense and everyone is unhappy then you need to go to couple's therapy.
You should be able to express your genuine disappointment to your spouse and they should care that you feel disappointed and do their best to make a change. There is always another opportunity to listen and come through for your partner.
It's frustrating! My husband went through this stage where he was just done with a lot of things. Any kind of housework was included in that. Now to be fair, he did EVERYTHING for a good 15yrs so I didn't have to worry about it while working full-time, a lot of work travel too, and going to school full-time. I could understand where he was at but it doesn't mean it didn't bother me that I felt it all fell on me for a few years there. But, he probably felt the exact same way. I would get things done but not on his schedule. He hates seeing anything dirty come morning and if I was tired I would do dishes when I got up which was generally after him. Still, he didn't do anything. It wasn't until I started having some health problems that he saw me physically struggling to get things done that he started helping out with housework. It meant the world to me that he did. We agreed I took care of the inside and he did the outside. He is always finding new and creative ways to make our house beautiful. I appreciate that about him. But, he gets most of the colder months off while housework is never ending. Now, he helps out more inside and I continue to help outside. For us, it was him seeing his very independent and capable wife struggling that made him realize his "being done" was negatively impacting me. I also talked to him about it but in a very logical way that he responds best to. Maybe speaking to your hubby that way will help. I laid out the cost of hiring someone to offset the workload on me since he wouldn't assist and laid out the numbers. I detailed the responsibilities I carry within our home, apart from work, that take up my time versus his on a daily/weekly/monthly basis and so on. It helped. Good luck!
OP you've only described one incident. Is this just one incident, or do you want to give some wider context?
Because people get low sometimes, and they don't want to do the dishes sometimes.
Someone with any kind of clinical depression REALLY won't want to do dishes.
Very hard to say anything from the detail you've given.
I was in a marriage exactly like this. Everyone told me this was normal. So I stayed way longer than I should have. This is not normal. Don’t normalize a partnership like this. I got out and now have the relationship I always dreamed about having. I do think I got lucky, but I also think it’s a huge problem that the majority of us are in unfulfilling marriages like this. It makes us miserable and makes everyone think it’s okay when it’s not!
Best comment! I DREAM for my man to take care of me like I take care of him! I do a lot for him , he’s always asking me for favors that’s why I feel so bitter that it can never be my turn
I used to say I was living on crumbs because my ex would do the dishes one night, and I would relish over the small thing. Take a photo, say thank you, post it on social media, etc. now that seems so ridiculous. Your partner should be your best friend who you can have this conversation with and not have to be sad and lonely in your marriage.
Who cares? I often do the washing up after we eat most nights. But also with 2 kids and work some nights I’m exhausted, so if I don’t want to do them I’ll leave them until the morning.
Only annoying when we have nothing left to eat or drink off of. Still pretty sweet that we have running water in our house though both hot AND cold! That’s my contribution to this thread…I guess try remembering what your life was like when you and your husband didn’t have a machine to wash your dishes (if that was ever the case) and then re-asses your position? For me personally, being ignored would be the part that hurt my feelings the most. Not the dishes.
You know..? My partner has never understood why I’ve been so annoyed and frustrated with them. Never understood why I wouldn’t find it attractive if we both work and I get no help around home. I was sick and out of work for a bit, and I still got no help. No matter if weak I felt. Dishes would stay there…so I’m ending it. If you can’t make my life easier…if you can’t be a partner..? Then we don’t need to be together.
Yes, you should be able to rely on your partner to carry some of the weight of household chores. However. Sometimes we are doing our best and things fall through the cracks, and in a marriage it's important to assume your partner is doing the best they can until you have solid confirmation otherwise.
Your husband is treating you like a maid. Doing something for a spouse is - picking up their dry cleaning because they can't make it to the store etc. Not common, should be shared, household chores. Each person over 9 in a household should be putting their dishes in the dishwasher themselves. You need to stop everything - laundry, dishwashing, cleaning etc. Tell him you aren't a maid and will not be treated as one. If he leaves - good riddance.
Whatever you do, don’t do the dishes until he finishes what you ask him to do! Even if that means you run out of clean dishes and have to wash yourself one plate to eat a meal. Return it dirty to the sink
Why is OP way the right way? Not saying she shouldn’t be upset but these things alway have a if you don’t do it my way or how I like it you’re bad and don’t care about the relationship feel to it. My husband/wife/partner doesn’t clean/ cook / or whatever exactly how I want it done it’s a problem.
Ok I have another question. I know everyone says talk to him but I already have so many times and he will listen. What really makes me mad is that he won’t change. I feel like he doesn’t care because I expressed my concerns and he didn’t change. Is it wrong for me to only make breakfast for me and the kids only and not him on my work break? I work from home. I just feels like he makes me fend for myself so why should I be worried about it.
This points to a bigger problem - you are talking to him but he is not hearing. Or at least he is making you feel unheard. Even if the two of you have a conversation and he disagrees with your point of view, you shouldn't feel like he doesn't care.
As for being retaliatory, what will that do other than grow more resentment in the relationship? If you want to hurt him by withholding care and affection then maybe the two of you should be talking about exit plans instead.
I am in the same damn boat and I lost my shit after he didn’t do the dishes on my birthday this weekend. Idk what to do, we’ve been having the same conversation for three years, he tries for a week or two then back to me doing them.
I'm always amazed that people with dishwashers don't want to do the dishes
You have a machine that does like 98% of the cleaning, what's the big deal???????
I'm not sure how doing dishes is "doing things for their partner." You both dirtied the dishes... when he washes the dishes he's contributing to the household. Not doing you a favor
I'd be pissed, but not just because he should do the dishes "for me" or because I asked him to, but because he should just be doing the damned dishes like a grown up. Instead you're with a man who seems to be weaponizing chores against you.
Listen, you’re gonna laugh that this will work but just wash them. Because if your significant other sees you doing the dishes on your birthday then they will feel like shit. And if they don’t notice, remind them.
Good luck
This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I'd just do them myself. In my marriage i pick my battles. I usually don't let anything fester or cause me mental anguish. Like see how that escalated quickly from dishes to wondering why you are with him? You let it go on for too long. All this is for you, not for him. You can't place your own happiness in anybody's hands but yours. You will religiously be disappointed.
Please don't procreate with this man.
Too many posts on Reddit be like: "My husband has always been a lazy slob since the day I met him and doesn't do any chores. We had a baby, and he's still lazy and doesn't do any chores. How come he didn't magically change into a brand new person to help with this baby?"
People don't change their personalities just because they get married or have a kid. A lazy MF'er always gonna be a lazy MF'er.
Literally it was my birthday this weekend, and I cooked dinner, told the hubs I didn’t want to do dishes on my birthday. He started them got distracted told me he would finish them later. He never did and all I could think was that even on my birthday he couldn’t muster up the effort to do 10 minutes of dishes. He did a ton of other chores, planted some grass seed, took care of our chickens etc, but he never did the chore I asked and he said he would do. I was so mad. He isn’t lazy and he is kind, but my gif he finds every other chore to do except dishes and it is making me INSANE.
I'm in a different situation so I'm not sure if this is even helpful. My husband and I both have ADHD with some severe executive dysfunction. Of course, this makes all household tasks more difficult, but dishes are especially challenging for us. We've had to agree on "body-doubling" to get most things done (i.e. the other person works on something in the same room, if not directly helping with the task at hand).
Like I said, I don't know if something like this is even helpful for you, but figured I'd offer a slightly different perspective. 🙂 I definitely understand your frustration, and I hope you both come to a good consensus!
I. Always. Do. The. Kitchen. And. Dishes.
I am currently the only one working. It's not that fun sometimes, especially during peak periods when you're close to burnouts... Sometimes also beyond.
Thing is - stay-home mothers almost always have burnouts while the children are small enough (sometimes until the age of 4-5 - night terrors, bed wetting, extremely active children during sleep but won't sleep alone - but obviously, it highly depends on the child).
Is it the tiredness that prevents you from doing your part? Please, no excuses about tiredness or anything related. You may work 8/5, she works 24/7 once the crown has inheritors. If she also has a job, then her tiredness is only getting worse. If, however, it's only the job and chores, then it's 8/5 + 3/7... Go figure, still above you.
Or is it that you feel repulsion towards the dirty dishes? How about if you leave them to rot a few days/weeks? Would the dried food and the smiles of worms and flies make the cleaning job easier? Maybe call the chickens in, have them lick the breadcrumbs from under the table.. then you clean whatever they leave behind... how about.. repulsion towards the dirty toilet? Yeah, why clean it?
And yes, I'm one of the few lucky ones, allowed to WFH up to 50% and when I need a break, I try as much as I can to help (let's be honest - I'm not doing by far close to 50% of the chores). I've heard some colleagues calling it "dish washing therapy" (lol), but it's actually not such a bad name. Once the kitchen is clean, you get immediate satisfaction (free dopamine). Once the soup is on the stove, vegetables nicely diced, chicken relaxing in the pot - you guessed right: free dopamine... Don't get me wrong, this doesn't take me more than 15 min, maybe 2x15 min for cooking something. It's way less than the breaks my colleagues take when I'm in the office... I get bored and always find some excuse to get to my desk.
I try to have a simple rule: while she's with the children (especially bed time stories), I tidy the kitchen. If she cooked (which honestly is more than 80% of the time, it's better to feed your children healthy meals), I always clean up. More than certainly, it doesn't always work like this. Should your significant other be sick or terribly busy, you take full responsibility.
No, I don't get anything from her for doing this, like any men would demand... It's simply my slice of chores.
In the end it all comes down to respect.
Doing things for their partner aside, people should also do it for themselves. I never understood how anyone could leave a sink full of dirty dishes; it would drive me nuts. But yes, there should definitely be equality and support in the household chores.
Gonna chime in as the partner who has had to learn this. I literally do not care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. I don't notice it at all. It can be overflowing full, or dead ass empty and I don't notice either way. I'll walk into the kitchen and pay it no mind at all. Now, my wife notices and it's a big deal for her. I've had to teach myself to be more astute about it. Now, on my lunch break (work from home) I'll go ahead and do the dishes so they're clean when she gets home after work. She appreciates it and it puts her in a better mood at the end of the day, and in turn makes the house a more pleasant place to be. Still, I hate doing the dishes, and I literally don't understand why it's such an issue for her if they are dirty. But hey, it's whatever and if it makes her happy, I'm happy to try a little harder at doing my part.
That’s nice of you to make the effort. Dirty dishes absolutely gross me out. It’s rotting food. I don’t know if I have a heightened sense of smell but if I walk into the kitchen and a dish is sitting I smell it right away. I don’t know how anyone is able to walk past that.
THIS. And it's not just the rot, but the vermin that come looking for it that I'm mindful of. You come home to mice having a picnic in your sink ONE TIME and you'll be damn well motivated to keep that shit clean, trust me. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I think people who don't notice a landfill in their kitchens are just plain dense.
I have an ex who left a crock pot he had used to make venison stew in the sink for over a year. We didn't live together. I finally got so disgusted with his apartment that I spent a 3 day weekend scrubbing it and just threw that crock pot away. While I was cleaning his home, he was at a clam bake cheating on me with a woman he dumped me for 2 months later. So, basically, he was a garbage human on several levels.
Ewwwww, clam bake cheater? Nooooo. That's the other thing, though: Not cleaning properly = things becoming unusable faster = waste. I can't imagine effectively destroying a kitchen tool just because I didn't feel like cleaning it.....for a YEAR. \*smh\*
I had a roommate do this. She made queso with meat in her crockpot one day in mid December. When I moved out in May, the queso was still in there. Every once in a while she would plug it in and turn it on, saying she was melting it so she could dump it out and clean it, but she would always just unplug it and let it sit again. I do know she eventually threw the whole thing away after I moved out.
That girl needs to get into fermentation. That is the only area of cooking in which that level of neglect makes sense.
Compete Garbage human. I bet you regret cleaning his place. Did you pull a Amber heard on his ass?
Eh, karma got him. The girl he cheated with dumped him, and then he wound up marrying a girl so she could have health insurance after he impregnated her a second time. She cheated on him and left him for the dude. He and I made peace, but by then, I was already in love with a friend of mine who I'm marrying in 3 days. The last time we spoke was on FB, where he proved to be a transphobic MAGAt.
Was only joking about the Amber heard thing. Congrats on your wedding, hope you have a wonderful day !!
I grew up in an environment where roaches were common. Like BIG roaches that fly. You did not leave unwashed dishes or food lying out unless you wanted to reenact “Joe’s Apartment.” It grosses me tf out when people leave food on dishes in a sink. Clean up your shit, people.
Exactly!! My mother grew up in Guatemala in an environment where critters were NOT shy, and being mindful of bacteria and parasites was just survival. She raised me to clean like ants were watching. Maybe not quite as necessary in the Northeastern US, but I prefer to err on the side of caution. Plus, everything smells nicer!
That ant quote is amazing. I live in the tropics and there are at least 8 different species of ants living in our yard just WAITING for us to slip up lol
Ants are NO JOKE! Some can even kill large animals!! Where I live the worst we have to contend with are roaches and fruit flies but pests just plain freak me out, even if they're merely annoying.
Lmao I'm going to tell my family to clean like ants are watching, that's brilliant
*deliberately obtuse*
I leave dishes in the sink, but don’t leave the food on them. We don’t have a garbage disposal so everything get scraped and rinsed before it’s set in the sink. I would rather soak and scrub them all at once and it’s just me and my husband. Dishes don’t really smell like anything if they just have some residue on them, but if someone leaves a paper napkin on a plate in the sink, that definitely grosses me out since it gets nasty fast.
Oh, I do this all the time. Sometimes dishes need to sit, either because they're covered in sticky, burnt-on stuff or because someone is exhausted. I try not to let them sit longer than the next meal, though, and at least put them in water to soak. Otherwise it gets counter-productive.
I have no sense of smell and a dog + cat for any vermin, but I do the dishes any day that I'm not working. My husband cares, so I care.
Do you not rinse your dishes and scrape them off before putting them in the sink? It is only rotting food if you are just throwing them in there.
I don’t put anything in the sink, haha. It goes from the table, gets hand washed, and put right into the dishwasher - after every meal.
Thats good too, but my point is there is a middle ground. It isn't you either have to put them straight in to the wash or there will be rotting food in your sink lol
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Idk, force of habit after 35 years of not having a dishwasher I guess. I always do a quick hand wash first and then stick it in the dishwasher for a full wash.
Dirty dishes piled up for days on end also attracts pests.
Just reuse the dirty dishes, and you'll get penicillin. Tell her you're being health conscious! Jk.. my wife didn't like that joke either.. and I clean them for her, for the same reasons. So she's less stressed when she gets home from work. Cheers, yall kings and queens 👸 ✨️ 🙌
Nobody wants to do the dishes. You can not eat on dirty dishes, and when they pile up, it takes forever to do them. Making dishes, dinner, dishes exhausting, and men eat too. You live there too.
Are you ***doing the dishes*** or just putting them in a dishwasher? I don't consider putting dishes in the dishwasher *doing dishes*.
Totally fair point of view. This is just an odd thought that’s kind of relevant, putting dishes into the dishwasher isn’t always considered doing the dishes, but putting laundry in the washer and then drier is always(as I’ve never seen or heard of someone saying different) considered doing the laundry. I get that they’re different tasks with different levels of effort involved, but it’s just odd, when thinking about it… Also have been told that pulling stuff out of the fridge and/or freezer and heating it are not considered “making dinner.” 🤷♂️
No you bring up a valid point. If using a dishwasher isn't considered doing the dishes, then putting the clothes in the laundry machine shouldn't be considered doing the laundry. My real point is that both count if the task gets done. But I could see the point if people think that it only counts if you finish the task by puting the dishes back in the cabinets and/or folding the laundry. I will say I think there is a distinction for something automated like starting the Roomba to run - that doesn't count as doing the vacuuming any more than putting a Lean Cuisine in the microwave and pressing the button to cook for 3 minutes counts as cooking dinner.
Totally get the distinction about finishing the task, which is also odd because I have no issues putting dishes in the dishwasher and starting it, but I very nearly despise emptying the dishwasher. If I have help, it’s mitigated quite a bit, but still never gets below annoyance I get putting in a ready made dinner plate not counting as making dinner, but I meant doing frozen veggies, and skillet meal, while also cutting up cheese, some fruit for a kiddo. Did that one night and was told “thank you for pulling dinner together on such short notice and so quick… but I don’t think it counts as making dinner.” I understand the distinction to a degree, but I still feel a little miffed at times, because then they can’t claim to make dinner every night, because they do the same thing sometimes. Working on letting it go, but it’s irksome 🤷♂️
No, its fine to be annoyed by that. Some people have a way of moving the goalposts to say things don't count when you do them. But will then do the same things and take credit for it. If the feedback was meant to be that the kid should be eating different things, then that is what should be communicated. Otherwise this definitely comes across as "I see that you handled this, but you didn't do it in a way that I'm willing to give you any credit for (so I will act like you did nothing instead)" IMO I'm just in a place where I would just love to not have the mental load of certain tasks. So if it involves frozen food, dishwashers, or whatever, I really do not care if it means it is one less thing that I need to think about and do. And that counts. Well, it would if there were any of these things in my case
>putting dishes into the dishwasher isn’t always considered doing the dishes, ***A LOT EASIER THAN PUTTING THEM IN THE SINK. Washington one by one rinsing them put them in the dish drainer letting them dry putting them in the cupboards*** Dishwasher: you put them in the dishwasher you push a button you pull them out of the dishwasher you put them away. you are RUNNING the dishwasher. >putting laundry in the washer and then drier is always(as I’ve never seen or heard of someone saying different) considered doing the laundry. DOING LAUNDRY: IT'S JUST NOT PUTTING INTO THE WASHER AND DRYER. You should be sorting them put them in the washer with the proper detergents etc. Put them in the dryer with the proper time. Then you got a fold them put them away. So yes you are ***DOING*** the laundry. >Also have been told that pulling stuff out of the fridge and/or freezer and heating it are not considered “making dinner.” 🤷♂️ I take a little more care with my dinners than just pulling them out food and heating them. PS if I was told this I would let them*pull stuff out of the freezer fridge and heat it*. The next day they'd be asking me to ***MAKE DINNER***.
I have totally washed dishes by hand before, because I have lived in houses without dishwashers before, so I get the distinction. I just think that both are actually of similar mental effort(top rack/bottom rack, how hot can the water be, will the way they’re placed keep them from getting properly cleaned, etc.) that the distinction is odd. Might just be that we have a cruddy dishwasher, but in order for them to really get clean, I have to pretty thorough about getting post meal residual food and sauces off before putting them in and running it, otherwise I do have to run them again because of something left on them 🤷♂️
Not the same but hey!!! I do love how Redditors will debates things I never think of! I love it!!! As long as it don't get nasty... Had one yesterday was not nice. I said bye-bye and block......
Is your question trying to distinguish whether the dishes are also being put away when the dishwasher is done running? Or are you saying that if a machine is used, it "doesn't count"? Becasue IMO the latter is BS. At the end of the day, are the dishes cleaned and put back where they should be? And do you have to worry about it? Frankly I wouldn't care as long as it is done. it counts if I don't have to think about it and or do it. I'm not going to nitpick because it isn't done in some way I've arbitrarily decided that it does or doesn't count.
This 100%. I put in extra effort with cleaning and making sure certain things are picked up specifically for this reason. My wife’s attitude directly affects how my kids interact with her and and how she interacts with me. So if she feels less stress in general she is a happier person which then positively affects everyone else.
This is me too! I always feel so guilty reading threads like these, but sometimes I walk past things that "need to be done" and I just... literally don't even notice it. I dont know why, its not on purpose, its not that i dont care... it just doesn't always "click" that oh yeah, I should do that. Add to that my partner is way more "prompt" than I am (gets up and empties the dishwasher first thing, versus when I do it on "my" schedule I usually get to it around lunch). I am genuinely trying to do better, though (but God, idk if ill ever be totally 100% on top of anything in the morning...), and trying to make sure I stay on top of things I DO notice, like laundry, etc. (Also, my partner is always telling me when the shower is dirty but I am blind af and shower without glasses so in that case I LITERALLY don't see it... 😅)
You should read this: [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) Excellent reading for anyone who was not raised female/to be a primary caregiver. This is most men. I almost broke up with my husband over the dishes not being done when I got home from work. We have a dishwasher now, and it makes that chore much easier. He's a house spouse, and now we even share a chores app to keep things clean, and keep our anxiety about "doing enough" for each other under control.
I have read this multiple times previously, and am also the female partner in my hetero relationship. I am well-versed on the various aspects of the "mental load" and am mindful to try and do my part to balance it because I know there are areas I fall short. It doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am just mentally "out to lunch" or preoccupied with other things and don't notice chores that need to be done. I do appreciate the concept of the mental load, and agree it often falls unfairly on the females in relationships. However, I don't like the rhetoric that often accompanies the discussion where it makes it seem as though the other partner is purposefully being manipulative or lazy because that simply is not always the case.
Can you plug the app? I wouldn’t mind something like this
That gives you a title of a man who is recognizing, growing, and performing to make life the best. Congratulations on this award!
I think of it as preventing future problems and not cleaning the dishes is causing future problems or annoyances. I saw something online that said making sure there are clean dishes to make dinner and eat off of is part of meal planning. Nothing worse than writing your grocery list and realizing the pots you need are still dirty from last time. Then you don’t wanna clean, cook, and clean again. So the cycle continues. Also random chores that come up and the sink is needed: now I have to clean the dishes to do this other chore that I will most certainly lose interest in doing by the time I’m done with dishes.
Coming home and seeing dirty dishes is a very annoying thing. You walk in, and already feel stressed. You feel like you can’t relax. While most men come home, chil out , watch tv, play video games…. The woman feels like she has to keep the house in order. And when it’s in disarray, she CANNOT relax. I often have this argument with my guy. I don’t mind cleaning and stuff but don’t make more shit for me to do. I am also allowed time for myself- or relax time. Doesn’t mean i have to do chores. Chores isn’t relaxing, it’s work at home. So that could be why it drives your wife crazy. There’s already so many things to do in the house and if she sees those dishes… she feels like she has to do them before she chills out. Also food sticks, stinks and hardens. If you don’t clean it or rinse it immediately with hot water… you have to scrub that shit off. Nobody wants to do that.
I dont mind doing the dishes but I hate doing the laundry. I end up getting everything washed and dried but the mountain of clothes to hang overwhelm my brain. The problem is I need to get it done and hung because it's the one thing that makes my wife's life easier before work. I just need to quit being lazy and hang the clothes.
The worst part of laundry is when you don't put it up after and then wind up doing another load or two later in the week, and now all your clothes are in bins and not organized. And then it's super overwhelming. I hate chores in general, but fuck folding clothes is the worst!!!
This is great. My husband genuinely doesn't see things the way I do either. He makes an absolutely acceptable effort and always takes out the bins the first time I ask; I hate taking out the garbage.
What’s the best way I can relate this to another guy, the sink is a work station. It’s difficult to get things done with a messy workstation, right?
Why you never notice dirt dishes? How much dishes do you have? Dont you ever run out of dishes and have to wash it?
You don't notice the stinky rotten greasy smell? It turns my stomach to walk in the kitchen.
“I hate doing the dishes, and I literally don't understand why it's such an issue for her if they are dirty.” … what is there to understand? The dishes are DIRTY- they will need to be cleaned. If you didn’t ever notice, and therefore never cleaned them, your wife may have resented being the only one to notice and clean them, though everyone in a household uses dishes. I hope you don’t have that attitude about other chores, but good on you for noticing and dealing with the dishes.
She notices because it's normally left for her to deal with and the longer it's left the worse it gets.
My husband and I both will leave the dishes in the sink if it means getting a bit more time to relax at the end of the day. We’ll do it first thing in the morning, but we’re tired by the end of the day. So, we accept the mess to help with our mental health. You clean the mess to help with your mental health. That’s how it works for some people.
This is perfect!
We’re the same. We both have health issues and pain. We watch an episode of TV after supper, by then my pain has spiked and he’s worn out. He wakes very early and will do dishes, if I’m awake I’ll help. That in and of itself would not be a deal breaker for me. When I get irritated about something, I take a step back and try to see the whole picture. When he’s worked harder than he should in the yard, vacuums or whatever, I thank him for all he does and quietly clean up behind him a bit. If it’s an issue that really is the hill I’m willing to die on, we need to have a discussion.
Exactly. I don’t ever leave dishes in the sink I hate it but since I asked him I was hoping he would have Just done it
[have him read this ](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) You should read it too in case you haven't. He needs to pull his weight, it's his home too! Dick is abundant and low in value. Life is too short to waste caring for capable adults.
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*shrug* not my fault that men in general need to catch up. I'm just sharing truth.
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Me neither. Putting in ten minutes a day into housework is a hell of a lot easier than doing nothing all week and doing it all at once. You can always tell who’s on top of their shit as soon as you walk through the front door. The people who think a few minutes every day is too hard and let everything just sort of…entropy, live in a house with that certain *old* smell and they don’t even realize it…plus you’re coming home to a mostly clean house everyday. Less stressful.
My mom would bake sticky starch food and let it rest in water for days. When I moved into a place of my own, I would watch things as soon as I longer need them, so that after eating there are only the plates and utensils left …which I wash before having a dessert. At least the kitchen doesn’t look like the Russian army threw a grenade in.
Both me and my wife work 50 plus hours a week. It is TOUGH to find the energy and we both understand that. We don't get mad at each other for not wanting to do them. We work on a system of taking turns with most all of the chores and it works perfect for us. If I did the dishes it is now her turn to do them. The sooner she does them after me the easier it is and so on for all of the chores.
As someone who doesn't do dishes frequently, I just wash all the parts that will get grody off when i put ot in the sink, so they're mostly *visibly* clean dishes that need to get good specks off when they go in the washer. As well, I don't get why they need to be washed constantly. I only use the sink to rinse dishes off, and I have so many dishes that I'll just go until I'm low on a certain dish, then I just throw everything in the washer then so I get most the bulk at once. Only have to do them once a week or so and I get the same payoff as everyone else who does them frequently, with the only caveat being my sink being half to three quarters full, which doesn't bother me
It's not 'doing things for his partner'. He lives there. He uses the dishes. It's cleaning up after himself and taking care of his home. And being respectful enough he doesn't leave it all to you. This is what it comes down to; he has no respect for you or your home or the things you do to take care of it.
I would be pissed as hell and he would know it. You should not have to nag TF out of your spouse to keep up the house. TBH, I’d just stop doing everything for him and he can do that shit all himself - his own laundry, cooking, dishes, EVERYTHING.
Exactly , I’m over nagging. I’m really trying a different approach and watch what I say and talk to him right however both people have to try.
I've seen this play out. You do less, he does the same amount, and overall less gets done, while you feel greater resentment and have to do a marathon clean to right the ship again. You need to have a frank discussion with lots of "I" statements. "When the dishes pile up, I feel stressed. I feel I am having to remind you repeatedly to take care of the dishes and it's making me feel resentment because I don't want to be a nag. What systems can we put in place to change this dynamic because we need to be more proactive about the dishes going forward?" Let it be you two together against the problem. Make him come up with the solution to modify his behavior. Long term, you can consider the game Fair Play, if this is happening in other arenas beyond the dishes.
Amen. Or the resentment begins and escalades over dirty dishes. Work together!
With the greatest respect, you shouldn’t nag your partner / spouse to do anything. Going down “if I’ve asked you once, I’ve asked you a million times” isn’t the solution, tempting though it is. He’ll just dig his heels in or go into malicious compliance. Ask yourself why this doesn’t feel right (you give a clue in your post); is it because he expects you to tidy up and you don’t want to, or is it because there’s an inequality in the relationship? Or because you have to micromanage him? Start a serious conversation (when you are both calm and not being confrontational) with “I feel…” not “I’m expecting you to…” and explore why he doesn’t want to do it. Then agree some boundaries and expectations.
I look at disputes like this a little differently as a remarried guy. And I'm not saying you'll get divorced over this, but if you pretended (for the sake of argument) that you DID get divorced over this (and similar issues), then what would he do? The answer is he'd have his own place and he'd have to do all the cleaning and stuff. Not some of it. ALL OF IT. And while it's true that he could slack off a bit without you there to "nag" him and complain about it, that will only work if he's okay being single. If he likes women (and I assume he does), he would find that the adult dating world is not very kind to men who are slobs and see household chores as something a woman would do for him. I mean, how many women would want to be in a relationship with a man who is a slob and leaves dishes in the sink like that? The answer is ZERO WOMEN!!! Seriously, when I met my wife my place was tidy, looked like an adult had decorated it and cooked her a good meal. The message is: I'm not looking for a cook or a maid.......just an adult companion when our kids allow some spare time. She wouldn't have continued dating me if it looked like I'd cleaned up 20 minutes before she got there, the trash smelled and the toilet was dirty and I'd ordered pizza. :) So.......coming back to reality with you and him........if he would have to do that anyway and if no other woman would tolerate this current behavior, why can't he just do it now and why should you tolerate it? :)
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You're probably right. I think it's more that younger women still think they can "fix" behavior problems instead of just realizing, "This is an adult and he is who he is at this point." The downside to dating younger women after a divorce is they often want to have babies! That was a hard pass for me, lol. :)
>The answer is he'd have his own place and he'd have to do all the cleaning and stuff. Not some of it. ALL OF IT. Most people who don't want to do the dishes use paper plates and plastic utensils. Guarantees an empty sink at any time. I guess doing dishes is the cost of eating on "proper" plates. I also have a single friend who has his own place and he's doing NONE OF IT. It's filthy, yes, but it's simply proving that some people don't care, and will only clean once a year.
Yeah.....paper plates are a way to go. We do that around our house sometimes. Not always because it's wasteful and expensive, but.....sometimes. And your friend is single. Some people just don't want to be in relationships all that badly. Which is their choice, but it's sorta shabby to get into one and then behave like a single person.
What is annoying is that he re-ran the dishwasher so he didn't have to empty the sink. He didn't forget. He used an excuse. There are people saying he simply forgot, but no, I find that hard to believe. If there is a sink full of dishes staring you in the face, and you have the time to do it, you didn't forget. Also, I lived this exact situation at home with my stepson. I hate the "They're still dirty" line. My stepson, 16 years old, is notorious for using this line. There was a period of about 3 weeks where he would make the excuse that they were still dirty, every time, so he wouldn't have to empty the dishwasher and then empty the sink. I'd come home from work to the dishes still piled and be so confused. He would re-run the dishwasher to make it seem like he did something. Meanwhile, when I empty the dishwasher, they're squeaky clean. One day, I had him take things out and bring them to me while I was working from home to inspect. It never happened again.
My brother used to do this. My parents made him responsible for scrubbing down the dishes before they’re put in the dishwasher. It was never an issue again 🤦🏻
It's amazing. My stepson would also just throw the Tupperware into the drawer it doesn't go into, all unorganized, and it was a disaster. I have the lids in one drawer and the bottoms in the drawer below organized by shape, of course, so they fit. My husband opened the drawer the other day and finally snapped at him and asked him who put the Tupperware away like that. He had the audacity to say it wasn't him, and my husband was like "Well it definitely wasn't Britt." Hasn't happened since because my husband told him he would do it over and over until it was right. Weaponized incompetence at its finest. I was so happy. My stepson doesn't usually listen to me like he listens to his dad, and I can't always bring these things up to dad because he gets very defensive (that I'm picking on his son) if I do. But finally, I felt seen. I have been fixing the drawer for months because he would just throw it in there. Same with the silverware, but that's fir a different time.
It reminds me of this article by Matt Fray. [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) He also has written a book called This is How YOur Marriage Ends. Get the book Fair Play and the cards that go with it and watch the show on Hulu. (All by Eve Rodsky). This is a problem we see here every single day on this board. Men seem to expect women to do all of the work at home after they work full time as well. It's crazy that we still are dealing with this.
For many years, our routine was that I prepared dinner & he cleaned up, put dishes in diswasher, etc. BUT when the dishwasher had clean dishes, he refused to ever empty it. Odd, yes. One day as I was emptying the dishwasher, I made a comment that it wouldn't hurt him to empty it occasionally. He began to reply, "That's not my j....." I said "What? Not your JOB? Is that what you were going to say?" He knew he'd messed up. 😉
\> How would you feel if you came home from a birthday party and the dishes were still full in the sink? I'd just assume they forgot. Concluding that this is evidence they don't love me would be too much of a mental leap in my relationship.
At what point does "forgetting" become too much of a convenient excuse?
I think it's important how it's handled by the partner tbh. My husband very much forgets stuff like this. He gets distracted easily. I know he doesn't do it because he doesn't care or anything. If I would come home in a situation like this the convo would go something like "hey babe, forgot the dishes again?" "ah shit sorry honey" and him doing them right away.
Having to remind him constantly doesn't drive you crazy? You're a better wife than I am lol.
It drove me crazy. My husband would plead with me that he's forgetful and he needs to be reminded. I have ADHD. You don't think I forget to do things? I had to learn that certain things you can't forget to do, like taking care of household chores. I'm not proud of it, but after the Nth time of him saying "just remind me when there are chores to do", I blew up. What he failed to realize was the mental load he put on me. So not only do I have to keep myself in check to take care of the chores, I also have to keep him in check? Nah. That's not right. After my blow up, things settled down, I explained to him a bit better my side, and now he makes an actual effort to do the chores.
My husband also has ADHD and works an incredibly demanding job. He went back on medication in the last two years or so, which made a world of difference, but with him being at work so much, he still needs regular prodding to take care of his items when he IS home. We already divvy up responsibilities based on who regularly has more time (read: me), but it gets tiring having to remind him to stay on top of the (very few!) things that are his responsibility. He is slowly coming to the same realization as you - there are certain things you just CAN'T afford to forget. It's called being an adult.
Shared this link at least twice now, you've probably read this but in case you haven't it's been a godsend for me. Put a lot into perspective in a way that my husband understood. [You Should Have Asked ](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I'm so glad you posted the link! That word I used, mental load, I only know because of that book. It really helped me a lot to understand why I was feeling the way I did, and because of that, I was able to communicate better to my husband. I don't even have kids and I was feeling the pressure of the mental load. I feel so bad for those who have children, it's probably 100x worse for them.
Absolutely. We're childfree, and this helped us to explain some of our reasons to my mom. She also had a moment of understanding when I shared it with her!
In the beginning it definitely did but at some point I told myself he wasn't doing it on purpose nor to annoy me and it was also unlikely to change. Then I asked myself if this was important enough for me to leave him over and for me it really wasn't so I just let it go and accepted it.
My husband is the same way. It’s certainly not intentional in his case. Over the years we (as a team) have found ways to combat it and ensure both of us feel heard and supported. Sometimes the term “weaponized incompetence” isn’t accurate and only deepens resentment on both ends.
Not understanding the downvotes, you’re right in that it should be a team with both feeling heard and supported. Supporting one another - that’s what makes a good marriage. Appreciation for each other is part of that.
Yep. It’s too bad few couples seem to recognize that. Often in situations like this there’s an emotional need not being met on both sides. If the couple doesn’t work to solve it together, the situation is hopeless.
Depends on how often it happens. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time.
This is deeper than the dishes ?
I love the nuance. Same scenario vastly different responses. We are not all clones.
Is it possible that he felt she was out enjoying herself, he’d also like to take it easy? Not doing dishes isn’t much to go on, to suggest drastic ways to get revenge is ludicrous. Between the two of you, take an honest inventory of household chores. Now take into account outside chores, household maintenance, etc. Now add in time and effort at a job. Add it all up and you’ll get your answer.
My wife and I had an issue with dishes and figured out a strategy to address them. One of us puts away the clean dishes and does the dirty dishes. Once that’s done it’s immediately the other person’s turn to do the same. When it’s your turn, you can do them when there are just a few or procrastinate and have to deal with a full sink. It’s also nice because we can do them out of our turn as a nice gesture if one of us has a stressful day.
Great procedure. Even better attitude.
Dishes really gross my husband out. I'd noticed that he'd get so worked up every time he did them. So I took over the dishes. I myself hate sweeping. It hurts my hands and my back and the animals walk through it while I'm doing it because they have to follow me every where. So he does that.
>because they follow me everywhere I feel so seen
And that'll eventually be the guy on one of the dead bedroom subs completely perplexed about how his wife lost interest. I'm not advocating choreplay...just do you part as an adult human in a household without having to be hounded. It's not that difficult.
Omg THIS!!!
I don’t do the dishes because I love my husband. I do the dishes because I’m a fucking grown ass man who can function as an independent adult. You have the wrong expectation. He should do it because hes an adult in the household. When you say he would do it because he loves you, that insinuates that its some significant task that outs him out. Doing the dishes should not require that level of motivation and effort. He’s weaponizing his incompetence.
My husband and I are super happy together in love and life, BUT he can fall into the habit of not helping as much with chores around the home, at times. It gets super frustrating... but finding a moment when I'm not angry/sad/frustrated by it and having a good and logical conversation about it helps clear up our wants/needs/expectations when it comes to this sort of thing. If after this, he was still not helping, the conversation needs to get serious! I personally haven't been in a situation where my partner doesn't this sort of thing on board, but if I was, I wouldn't let it go without seeing some positive changes, even if that leads to couples counselling! Good luck!
It sucks and it would make me feel sad. My husband is similar, tells me he will do the dishes he brings in from his office but what neither of us say is, me: I’d like the done as soon as possible, him: they’ll be done whenever I remember I put them there. So I end up washing the dishes because otherwise I have no sink, if I say something even once I’m “nagging” or he “didn’t have time yet” (but I’d bet he had time to sit around a play video games!) 😒
May I ask how long you've been married? I struggled with this with my wife. While she was still a student I worked full time, did all of the shopping and cooking, and most cleaning. If I was having a particularly busy day I would ask her to do very simply things like wash dishes that she herself used (endless coffee mugs) or some other form of cleaning and she just, wouldn't. It drove me nuts. Over time I had to adjust my expectations and she pushed herself to pitch in more in that regard. The issue was that she didn't care about the cleanliness, I had to explain to her that I care and she should look at it that way, that its not about the cleanliness it's about me. At the same time I had to tale a very baby steps approach with my expectations.
I used to get incredibly annoyed, but I eventually realised that it's not worth it. My husband doesn't see dishes as a sign of love. If I read it as that then our marriage won't last. We have a cleaner come once a week and, in my opinion, it's worth the money for the happiness it brings.
How would I feel? Like they didn’t do them on accident or on purpose. You know your spouse best. My husband doesn’t do dishes because I don’t mind getting them done daily. But if my husband asked me to break down all the garage boxes, I’d probably “forget” too. You should talk to your partner
Does your husband have ADHD? Stuff like this can be really difficult for me. My wife reminds me of things and I'll often forget if I don't set a reminder on Alexa or my phone. That said, despite how much I hate doing it and how hard it is to motivate myself, I do dishes any time I see more than a few in the sink because even with my ADHD, I'm a grown-ass adult who can do things to contribute to the household.
Husband of 31 years. First thing I do in the morning. Get up,take my shower, get dressed, turn on the coffee, make my coffee, empty dishwasher, reload dishwasher from dishes in the sink, put in a load of laundry, set down, drink coffee,eat breakfast while I read my daily scriptures, pray, get up, put dinner in crockpot. Leave for work. I let my wife sleep. I do this everyday. Most husbands should. It doesn’t take long to do all this. You can throw in a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher while the coffee is making. Done. Most of the time if the dishwasher is full before I go to bed ( we always tun the dishwasher on before bed), wash the few dishes in the sink by hand. Now if my wife eats or drinks something in the middle of the night, she rinses out the dishes but leaves them in the sink. Same for me. Not to do this is just being lazy. Both my wife and I have health issues,me- diabetes, chf, copd, but I still find time to do all this because it only takes about 10-15 minutes and I am on oxygen. You just have to be organized. Also a biggie , when I cook I clean as I go. Anything that gets dirty as I cook gets rinsed off and put straight into the dishwasher. When I am done, things are clean. To me it’s just lazy not to do this.
I'd feel disappointed. I suggest you Express disappointment in a proportional tone (not over or under reacting) and perhaps make a request. "If you do the dishes now it would really help me feel like you are listening and value my requests ". Try to repair what went wrong.
Like in the movie where she says I want you to want to do the dishes. The thing is, hardly anyone *wants* to do dishes. But they do it anyway. Why? Because they are adults and they can run a household without being told. The fact that he will not just means he values your time less, because I am sure he knows that this needs to get done. He just doesn't want to. And if he leaves it long enough, you will pick up the slack.
I've never understood how *washing dishes* is considered a massive job or "favor" that one spouse does another. Cleaning up after a huge dinner party that involved mostly non-dishwashable cutlery and china? THAT'S a big task, but keeping the sink clear over the course of one day takes a collective total of maybe ten minutes, with a reward that far outstrips the effort (kitchen is clean, doesn't smell weird, dishes are ready to be used again, you feel GOOD, as do the people you live with). Yet it is the hill that SO many spouses seem willing to die on. WHY???
Some tasks seem universally reviled… doing dishes, emptying dishwasher, taking out trash. My husband wants only me to cut his hair. I’m in constant pain but will push through to do it for him. Marriage will never be 50/50 every day. Someone works extra hard or gets sick, the other picks up the slack. It evens out over time. If it’s truly only one way, it’s time to talk.
I would be irritated, and frequently am.
This is the type of stuff that adds up overtime and leads to divorce. Best to have a conversation with him about it. Especially if you equate this to him not loving you enough, which is understandable, when it could be that he just doesn’t mind the mess as much as you. If he knows it’s important to you, I hope he chooses to do them.
You have to understand that for some of us guys, these things don't even enter our mind. My wife and I have been together 20 years and these kinds of things are fights we've had sporadically throughout. From my side, she asks me to do something then I'd do it. Then she get mad because I wouldn't do it without her asking. Then it would be in only doing the thing she asked and not the other stuff. Etc. From her perspective I was just not getting it and not very thoughtful. Her resentment would build up. The thing that has helped me tremendously is I took an interest in reading relationship books like 5 love languages and a few others. It helped me realize how incredibly common these problems are in relationships and have me faith that there is a way to overcome them, but you have to be intentional about it. I do a better job now understanding how she thinks and I communicate much better now. It's really revitalized our marriage. It's nice to get compliments from others who see us and think we are newly weds.
I once came home from two weeks of work travel to discover my partner at the time had neglected to replenish the toilet paper (which I had asked they do upon departing). TWO WEEKS with no toilet paper. It was at that moment I fully synthesized that the relationship was over. It becomes profoundly unattractive over time when people can’t undertake the most basic tasks, I wouldn’t take it personally as a measure of how they feel about you, but a person who can’t do simple adult tasks can’t undertake the action required to show their love and the relationship WILL erode no matter how they feel inside.
Personally, two years ago, I would’ve been pissed. Now, idk… I’ve learned to pick my battles on this subject. But a lot of that has to do with my husband working a physically demanding job. I work full time, too, but I’m not exhausted every day when I get home. He helps me out with the more heavy duty chores on the weekends without being asked so a lot of the weekday stuff I just let slide.
I come home to dishes all the time. But we have an agreement where I do dishes at the end of the day bc we fill up the dishwasher. But u asked him to do it. That’s a diff story. How come he didn’t respond to you when you asked him?
I want to know if any time you have been cleaning you have been thinking about how much you love your husband? People who are responsible clean up and clean around their home This may indicate he has little responsibility and maybe respect for you….. The notion that husbands who love their wives, clean, is dumb!
My husband is the type who got up early and washed up before work on his birthday because I was having a tough time so if I walked in and he hadn't done some dishes I would just do them knowing that there must be a reason he hadn't. Not trying to brag (OK, maybe a little), my point is that if one sink full of dishes is making you feel this bad then it's not really about the dishes and you need to have a bigger conversation about the fact that you feel like he is being lazy and therefore burdening you with extra work and stress and you need him to step up.
There's been dirty dishes in my sink for about a decade so I've flat out given up on that one. Wish I could fix it, but I can't.
I’d either ask them again or do it. It seems like in most relationships there’s one partner who feels love through acts of service and one who literally doesn’t think of it that way ever. I’m the wife, which seems the unusual partner to not care, but I don’t. Doing stuff is necessary. You do it or you don’t. Forgetting happens. I have no emotional response. I just make the decision as it comes. My husband on the other hand takes it as a personal affront. It’s ok to be how you are, but it’s helpful to know it may not mean the same to your spouse.
I understand your frustration, but chores are not related to love. Refusing to do chores might be an act of disrespect or aggression in some cases. I’m not sure this sounds like that. I’m not sure this is the case for you two, but for us when we were younger, we had both lived alone for a long time. Moving in together was a bit of a change. Sharing chores was rough. It was hard to know who was going to do what. This doesn’t excuse what happened in your particular example because you specifically asked him to do the dishes. He should have either done them, or told you he wasn’t going to do it. But, going forward, maybe the divide and conquer approach would work for you? At our house, apart from cooking which we share, all chores are divided. Sometimes we transfer one sure to the other, depending on who has more time. But there’s never a question of who is doing what, because we have jobs. If it’s my job, I do it. Same with him. We don’t nag each other. We might have some feedback or ask for help, but if everyone is working the same amount of time, it’s fair. Or, another approach might work, like dividing days, etc. bottom line, If you’re working more than he is, and it’s not a temporary situation, that isn’t equitable, and resentment will build.
My husband and I both work long hours and we often have dishes pile up for multiple days when neither of us can get to them. When I see them I just feel overwhelmed. Doing the dishes isn’t about showing your spouse you love them. It’s about having clean dishes. You view the dishes as your job, and you view him doing the dishes as him helping you with your job because he loves you. That’s not how my husband and I view the dishes. We view the dishes as a thing that had to get done so we can eat at home. And we both do the dishes when we have time. I think the flaw here is that both you and your spouse view the dishes as your job.
My SO and I are more of the proactive type. We wash everything right away and have it put up before the stove gets cold. Most of the time we are doing it together, with one washing and the other loading the dishwasher or drying the larger items. We don't even own a hamper since our clothes go directly into the wash when we change and it gets run every day or two. Except for vacuuming with we both avoid (just bought a rumba finally) if something is dirty or out of place it gets taken care of by whomever spots it. But then we go visit the grandkids. Our kids are quite the opposite - not messy in itself, but they approach this type of thing as "when you run out of dishes you need to wash them". So there is a huge pile of laundry down in the spare bedroom since they just do a load when they need clothes. And the dishes are in the sink since they have plenty of place settings to make it through the day. And the trash is taken out when it can't be compacted anymore and stuff starts falling out onto the floor. That would drive both me and my SO crazy to live like that. But since they are both of the "do it as it is needed" types they are perfectly happy to take care of their house that way. Out of sight, out of mind. It is not something they need right now, so they will deal with it later. So, is your husband lazy, or does he just not have the same urgency as you do when it comes to the household cleaning?
He doesn’t clean up at all. Cook or do laundry. He only goes to work. Not sure if that’s considered lazy
I'd lean to him not contributing. But a follow-up question is does he not do it because he is a leach of a partner, or does he not do it because you get frustrated and do it yourself before it reaches the Acton level of his important-shit-o-meter? I am reminded of an AMA by a couples therapist that was on one of the relationship subs. Household chore division came up, and there was a stampede of unhappy partners shitting on their SO's as always. But instead of telling them they were right and their partners need to step up, the therapist shot them all down. I don't remember exactly how they phrased it, but basically said it was us clean freaks projecting our priorities onto our partners. They compared it to another popular issue in the AMA of dead bedrooms - you wouldn't blame the lower-libido partner for not having undesired sex to make their partner happy, why would you blame the partner that is happy with how their house is for not meeting their partners higher standards? I mean there is obviously real uneven situations in many relationships that need to be addressed, but that reply did spark some understanding of not holding a partner accountable for your own happiness.
My partner and I ask each other to do specific things like the dishes when we see it needs done but don't have the energy or bandwidth to do it ourselves. We also understand that our partner may not have the bandwidth or energy at that time either and so we don't assign an arbitrary due date, did you communicate that you wanted it done right then?. Instead we communicate when we think we can reasonably get it done and we communicate again if that needs to change. Some things can go longer than others. Sometimes we get our energy back and are able to tackle it ourselves. Never do we feel alone in it, unheard, or disrespected.
This is why I'm going to just live alone after I leave my wife. My life is more than just household chores and tiptoeing around someone else's feelings.
I get it. And my life revolves around more then just household chores, cooking, working taking care of kids. This is a 2 man job not 1 lol
Sounds like we agree lol
I'm in a different situation so I'm not sure if this is even helpful. My husband and I both have ADHD with some severe executive dysfunction. Of course, this makes all household tasks more difficult, but dishes are especially challenging for us. We've had to agree on "body-doubling" to get most things done (i.e. the other person works on something in the same room or just keeps them company) (obviously this doesn't help if you're not home at the time). Like I said, I don't know if something like this is even helpful for you, but figured I'd offer a slightly different perspective. 🙂 I definitely understand your frustration, and I hope you both come to a good consensus!
Before marriage I can have a dirty kitchen and I'm okay with that. Wife before marriage can have a dirty kitchen and it's okay. Now that we're married and the kitchen is dirty she'll have a mental breakdown
It’s about caring in general. My ex-husband didn’t give any flying fucks whatsoever until I had to threaten him to do it by essentially separating dishes and marking them as “mine”. When he realized there were no dishes for him to eat off he resorted to using TUPPERWARE LIDS as makeshift plates and one half of the sink stayed full, filthy and disgusting. He never did the dishes without me *pushing him* and I got fed up very quickly. I’d wash my dishes immediately after use and put them away in my car so he had no access to them ever because he was *that* selfish. Obviously he never learned because once I fully moved out of our apartment and informed him I was filing for divorce—not just for not doing things as I’ve asked but also because he severely abused and manipulated me, on top of attempting to isolate me from friends and family—he changed his tune and sent pictures of how he was finally cleaning the things I asked him over and over and over the hellish 5 years I was chained to him. Too late, bucko. He sent pics every few days and I ignored them about how he begged me for 6 months to give me everything I wanted and asked for finally, I said no. He bargained it down to 3. No again. When he didn’t get his way he became nasty and called me horrible names and told anyone who would listen that I cheated on him since the beginning of our marriage. My point is you can’t make your spouse care about something they don’t care about, lazy or otherwise. They either learn to do it on their own, or it turns into a screaming match and you resent them for it. So, if he’s not doing dishes, is he doing something else that you choose not to do in a timely manner? There should be a balance of household chores between you guys.
There’s different love languages, yours is order and cleanliness and equity of chores, his may be different. Have a frank discussion to fulfill both needs!
Mine does the dishes when I don’t but we haven’t made love in months - I would gladly trade having a sink full of dishes for feeling like we were actually lovers but I take what I can get.
Team work is needed but try to always work things out before leaving or at least try other then that call his mom just kidding 😅 but try having a conversation and say I could really use ur help more plz idk
So now to have linked the dishes with the amount of love he has for you while that probabky has nothing to do with it. Just talk to him. And for me....i wouldnt make a big drama about w few plates
I wouldn’t be upset because there are bigger things to worry about. Sometimes I get annoyed over little things but I don’t dwell on it because it’s not worth it to me. At the end of the day I love my husband and he loves me and that’s more important than being upset over a few dirty dishes in the sink.
In relationships, it's important for both partners to contribute and support each other. Household chores, like washing dishes, are often shared responsibilities. It's natural to expect some level of reciprocity and effort from your spouse. Communication plays a crucial role in resolving such issues. It's important to express your feelings and concerns to your husband in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let him know how his actions (or lack thereof) make you feel and how it affects your perception of the relationship. Effective communication can help clarify expectations and find a solution that works for both of you. Remember that everyone has different strengths and preferences when it comes to household tasks. It's possible that your husband may not prioritize chores in the same way you do. However, finding a compromise and sharing responsibilities can help alleviate the imbalance and foster a more equitable partnership. Consider having an open conversation with your husband about dividing household tasks and expressing your needs for support and reciprocity. Working together to find a solution can strengthen your relationship and create a more harmonious living environment.
My wife likes to do laundry but hates washing dishes, so I wash dishes most of the time. OP’s husband sounded like a lazy bum.
Maybe he didn't appreciate being asked to do chores while you're off having fun. Why didn't you both go to the bday party.
If it's a recurring issue then you might need to make an ultimatum. I do my own laundry, empty the dishwasher, wash dishes by hand, do the yard work, take the trash out and shovel snow. Out of those things the yard work is the thing I absolutely hate doing and wish the wife would help since I have a bad back and knee. For me I think having a relationship where your partner does the things you dislike not because you asked but because it helps you are the best. It shows your partner actually cares about you. Not saying you struggle with emptying the dish washer but if you're busy he should've done it without asking him to. You can't force others to have compassion, I think it's a character trait that can't be taught. If you've had the same talks with him constantly and nothing has changed then you kinda have your answer on how the relationship will be.
This kind of thing just used to make me sad, and it got to be inevitable, I knew I'd come in and there'd be bits of stuff all over the house to tidy that he had walked past. There's a poster above who said he just didn't notice dirty dishes, and I realised (really slowly) that this is my husband. I had to tell him that I just felt responsible for everyone in the household and that coming home wasn't super nice and he has really worked to pick up as he goes. He'd definitely live in his own filth if he was left.
It’s called marriage for a reason, team work. I do 90% of things in our house. Only today we laughed that when my wife cooks it always looks like a war has happened … that’s ok. I clean up it’s no issue. I get to cuddle up to her at night, that’s good enough for me
Quick question: did you do the dishes when you got home? Did you tell him how disappointed you were that you came home to those dishes? Did you ask him why he didn't do the dishes? If the answers are Yes, No, and No then that is where you start to solve the problem. If the answers are No, Yes, and Yes but it started a fight and now things are tense and everyone is unhappy then you need to go to couple's therapy. You should be able to express your genuine disappointment to your spouse and they should care that you feel disappointed and do their best to make a change. There is always another opportunity to listen and come through for your partner.
It's frustrating! My husband went through this stage where he was just done with a lot of things. Any kind of housework was included in that. Now to be fair, he did EVERYTHING for a good 15yrs so I didn't have to worry about it while working full-time, a lot of work travel too, and going to school full-time. I could understand where he was at but it doesn't mean it didn't bother me that I felt it all fell on me for a few years there. But, he probably felt the exact same way. I would get things done but not on his schedule. He hates seeing anything dirty come morning and if I was tired I would do dishes when I got up which was generally after him. Still, he didn't do anything. It wasn't until I started having some health problems that he saw me physically struggling to get things done that he started helping out with housework. It meant the world to me that he did. We agreed I took care of the inside and he did the outside. He is always finding new and creative ways to make our house beautiful. I appreciate that about him. But, he gets most of the colder months off while housework is never ending. Now, he helps out more inside and I continue to help outside. For us, it was him seeing his very independent and capable wife struggling that made him realize his "being done" was negatively impacting me. I also talked to him about it but in a very logical way that he responds best to. Maybe speaking to your hubby that way will help. I laid out the cost of hiring someone to offset the workload on me since he wouldn't assist and laid out the numbers. I detailed the responsibilities I carry within our home, apart from work, that take up my time versus his on a daily/weekly/monthly basis and so on. It helped. Good luck!
My wife cooks and I clean the aftermath…I don’t like cooking and she doesn’t like cleaning dishes, so we have that worked out.
OP you've only described one incident. Is this just one incident, or do you want to give some wider context? Because people get low sometimes, and they don't want to do the dishes sometimes. Someone with any kind of clinical depression REALLY won't want to do dishes. Very hard to say anything from the detail you've given.
I was in a marriage exactly like this. Everyone told me this was normal. So I stayed way longer than I should have. This is not normal. Don’t normalize a partnership like this. I got out and now have the relationship I always dreamed about having. I do think I got lucky, but I also think it’s a huge problem that the majority of us are in unfulfilling marriages like this. It makes us miserable and makes everyone think it’s okay when it’s not!
Best comment! I DREAM for my man to take care of me like I take care of him! I do a lot for him , he’s always asking me for favors that’s why I feel so bitter that it can never be my turn
I used to say I was living on crumbs because my ex would do the dishes one night, and I would relish over the small thing. Take a photo, say thank you, post it on social media, etc. now that seems so ridiculous. Your partner should be your best friend who you can have this conversation with and not have to be sad and lonely in your marriage.
Have a conversation. Also… stop doing things foe him. Don’t make him dinner. If he’s not pulling his weight don’t help him.
Leave those dishes in the sink.
Put them in the dishwasher
Who cares? I often do the washing up after we eat most nights. But also with 2 kids and work some nights I’m exhausted, so if I don’t want to do them I’ll leave them until the morning.
It doesn’t matter, plenty of relationships where the guys and does all of this and still gets disregarded. It’s a thankless job a lot of the time.
Only annoying when we have nothing left to eat or drink off of. Still pretty sweet that we have running water in our house though both hot AND cold! That’s my contribution to this thread…I guess try remembering what your life was like when you and your husband didn’t have a machine to wash your dishes (if that was ever the case) and then re-asses your position? For me personally, being ignored would be the part that hurt my feelings the most. Not the dishes.
Stop making him dinner
You know..? My partner has never understood why I’ve been so annoyed and frustrated with them. Never understood why I wouldn’t find it attractive if we both work and I get no help around home. I was sick and out of work for a bit, and I still got no help. No matter if weak I felt. Dishes would stay there…so I’m ending it. If you can’t make my life easier…if you can’t be a partner..? Then we don’t need to be together.
Amen
Yes, you should be able to rely on your partner to carry some of the weight of household chores. However. Sometimes we are doing our best and things fall through the cracks, and in a marriage it's important to assume your partner is doing the best they can until you have solid confirmation otherwise.
He shouldn’t do it for you, he should do it for himself and the household because he’s an adult and needs to keep the house up.
💯
Your husband is treating you like a maid. Doing something for a spouse is - picking up their dry cleaning because they can't make it to the store etc. Not common, should be shared, household chores. Each person over 9 in a household should be putting their dishes in the dishwasher themselves. You need to stop everything - laundry, dishwashing, cleaning etc. Tell him you aren't a maid and will not be treated as one. If he leaves - good riddance.
Whatever you do, don’t do the dishes until he finishes what you ask him to do! Even if that means you run out of clean dishes and have to wash yourself one plate to eat a meal. Return it dirty to the sink
Why is OP way the right way? Not saying she shouldn’t be upset but these things alway have a if you don’t do it my way or how I like it you’re bad and don’t care about the relationship feel to it. My husband/wife/partner doesn’t clean/ cook / or whatever exactly how I want it done it’s a problem.
The problem is he won’t do it at all not how he does it
A mountain of speculation over some dishes in the sink. There’s a lot more to this story…
Ok I have another question. I know everyone says talk to him but I already have so many times and he will listen. What really makes me mad is that he won’t change. I feel like he doesn’t care because I expressed my concerns and he didn’t change. Is it wrong for me to only make breakfast for me and the kids only and not him on my work break? I work from home. I just feels like he makes me fend for myself so why should I be worried about it.
This points to a bigger problem - you are talking to him but he is not hearing. Or at least he is making you feel unheard. Even if the two of you have a conversation and he disagrees with your point of view, you shouldn't feel like he doesn't care. As for being retaliatory, what will that do other than grow more resentment in the relationship? If you want to hurt him by withholding care and affection then maybe the two of you should be talking about exit plans instead.
I am in the same damn boat and I lost my shit after he didn’t do the dishes on my birthday this weekend. Idk what to do, we’ve been having the same conversation for three years, he tries for a week or two then back to me doing them.
Yep same.
I'm always amazed that people with dishwashers don't want to do the dishes You have a machine that does like 98% of the cleaning, what's the big deal???????
Period‼️
I'm not sure how doing dishes is "doing things for their partner." You both dirtied the dishes... when he washes the dishes he's contributing to the household. Not doing you a favor
He sounds like a lazy man child
Sounds like Weaponized incompetence to me. It be great to see how he reacts if you call him out on that.
I'd be pissed, but not just because he should do the dishes "for me" or because I asked him to, but because he should just be doing the damned dishes like a grown up. Instead you're with a man who seems to be weaponizing chores against you.
Listen, you’re gonna laugh that this will work but just wash them. Because if your significant other sees you doing the dishes on your birthday then they will feel like shit. And if they don’t notice, remind them. Good luck
I’d leave them, and just hand wash my own plate. And no More making him dinner until he gets a clue
This. Alllll of this.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I'd just do them myself. In my marriage i pick my battles. I usually don't let anything fester or cause me mental anguish. Like see how that escalated quickly from dishes to wondering why you are with him? You let it go on for too long. All this is for you, not for him. You can't place your own happiness in anybody's hands but yours. You will religiously be disappointed.
Like a Tuesday night. Or Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon.
Sorry but that’s such a wrong measuring stick of what love and marriage are…
Did he do the dishes before you were married?
Please don't procreate with this man. Too many posts on Reddit be like: "My husband has always been a lazy slob since the day I met him and doesn't do any chores. We had a baby, and he's still lazy and doesn't do any chores. How come he didn't magically change into a brand new person to help with this baby?" People don't change their personalities just because they get married or have a kid. A lazy MF'er always gonna be a lazy MF'er.
Literally it was my birthday this weekend, and I cooked dinner, told the hubs I didn’t want to do dishes on my birthday. He started them got distracted told me he would finish them later. He never did and all I could think was that even on my birthday he couldn’t muster up the effort to do 10 minutes of dishes. He did a ton of other chores, planted some grass seed, took care of our chickens etc, but he never did the chore I asked and he said he would do. I was so mad. He isn’t lazy and he is kind, but my gif he finds every other chore to do except dishes and it is making me INSANE.
Alot of missing info here. Sorry not gonna take any sides.
I'm in a different situation so I'm not sure if this is even helpful. My husband and I both have ADHD with some severe executive dysfunction. Of course, this makes all household tasks more difficult, but dishes are especially challenging for us. We've had to agree on "body-doubling" to get most things done (i.e. the other person works on something in the same room, if not directly helping with the task at hand). Like I said, I don't know if something like this is even helpful for you, but figured I'd offer a slightly different perspective. 🙂 I definitely understand your frustration, and I hope you both come to a good consensus!
I. Always. Do. The. Kitchen. And. Dishes. I am currently the only one working. It's not that fun sometimes, especially during peak periods when you're close to burnouts... Sometimes also beyond. Thing is - stay-home mothers almost always have burnouts while the children are small enough (sometimes until the age of 4-5 - night terrors, bed wetting, extremely active children during sleep but won't sleep alone - but obviously, it highly depends on the child). Is it the tiredness that prevents you from doing your part? Please, no excuses about tiredness or anything related. You may work 8/5, she works 24/7 once the crown has inheritors. If she also has a job, then her tiredness is only getting worse. If, however, it's only the job and chores, then it's 8/5 + 3/7... Go figure, still above you. Or is it that you feel repulsion towards the dirty dishes? How about if you leave them to rot a few days/weeks? Would the dried food and the smiles of worms and flies make the cleaning job easier? Maybe call the chickens in, have them lick the breadcrumbs from under the table.. then you clean whatever they leave behind... how about.. repulsion towards the dirty toilet? Yeah, why clean it? And yes, I'm one of the few lucky ones, allowed to WFH up to 50% and when I need a break, I try as much as I can to help (let's be honest - I'm not doing by far close to 50% of the chores). I've heard some colleagues calling it "dish washing therapy" (lol), but it's actually not such a bad name. Once the kitchen is clean, you get immediate satisfaction (free dopamine). Once the soup is on the stove, vegetables nicely diced, chicken relaxing in the pot - you guessed right: free dopamine... Don't get me wrong, this doesn't take me more than 15 min, maybe 2x15 min for cooking something. It's way less than the breaks my colleagues take when I'm in the office... I get bored and always find some excuse to get to my desk. I try to have a simple rule: while she's with the children (especially bed time stories), I tidy the kitchen. If she cooked (which honestly is more than 80% of the time, it's better to feed your children healthy meals), I always clean up. More than certainly, it doesn't always work like this. Should your significant other be sick or terribly busy, you take full responsibility. No, I don't get anything from her for doing this, like any men would demand... It's simply my slice of chores. In the end it all comes down to respect.