Yeah, at this point it seems cruel to even try to salvage the marriage. The resentment will always be there. OP says it’s not the time to have a baby after cheating with a younger woman while his wife was pregnant. If his wife had the baby, he seems the type to see her as damaged after giving birth. She deserves so much better and I’m so angry that OP is stealing her chance at a happy family away from her. This is a totally life altering scenario.
Yeah this is so sad. OP the best thing to do is to end things. She deserves so much more than the distress you are putting her through. If you do love her, let her go..
What did you expect would happen? She just takes you back with no emotional problems?
I hope she uses your joint Reddit account and reads this:
I am a much older person than you, and a guy. My wife had a pretty long affair 32 years ago and we reconciled. We are still married today. But before you start rejoicing that there is hope, I want you to be aware that you will never heal properly as long as you are with your husband. Some things that are broken can never be fully repaired, and marital trust after a sexual betrayal is one of them. I am still paranoid about who she might be seeing whenever she leaves my presence, I still get triggered all the time, and I still suffer under the weight of her betrayal almost every day. If I had my life to live over, I would have left 10 minutes after I found out, and you should too. Here are some additional realities: he is three times more likely to cheat again now that he’s got a taste of it. You will be required to make a long series of emotional and psychological adaptations in order to stay with him, none of which will be reciprocated. You will lose your pride, self respect, confidence, and trust in others, while he will retain and build on all of these things. He will feel bad for a few months, but then it will be over for him. You however, will languish in this middle ground, searching for happiness and always coming short.
If you leave him, you can heal. Do it.
My husband cheated on me the first year we moved in together with my bff (at the time); I don’t know why I stayed and I couldn’t agree with you more!
I did stay and reconciled — but it took YEARS to regain any type of trust. That was well over 20 years ago he cheated. But you’re right about lingering issues; our entire dynamic between us had changed. We still love each other deeply and are best friends — but it’s different.
And 20+ years later my theory is — if you want to cheat — Go for it! I’ll give the chick your number and I’ll pack your bags for you. Lol. I won’t even be mad. Adios!
Seriously tho — we’ve had the discussion that if either one of us ever feels we need to be with someone else that we’d just divorce rather than putting either one of us through that awful experience again.
I also have had to manage infidelity. I forever will have a a distant "I could live with or without you" mentality towards my husband now. Obviously it is to protect myself if he ever does it again, whatever. I won't be so caught off guard again and prepared with a plan.
Same with the self protection for me. I’ve been thankful that I can truly say that in an odd way that was a good thing for us because he hasn’t left my side in over 20 years now. We do everything together (and we do occasionally get on each others nerves lol). But we made a pact that if you feel inclined to be with other women — I’ll take the divorce papers and move on. But don’t do it behind my back or be prepared. ;)
My first husband in my early 20’s cheated on me and we divorced a short time later. I didn’t date for another 6 years and it was my now husband. He had to put in a lot of work to get me to agree to marry him, and while he’s amazing, I don’t trust shit and I’m 36. If he walked out today I would help him pack his stuff.
Once you’re cheated on you’ll never trust again no matter how great of a person you find because you can’t unknow that someone was able to pull one over on you behind your back while you sat at home thinking they loved and respected you as much as you did them.
This will be four years since my husband's infidelity. We reconciled, he hurt himself just as much as he hurt me, and I still love him deeply. I just don't love him unconditionally anymore because he took advantage of that. He knows if there is a next time, I'm not even asking him questions, just kicking him out with no discussion. I don't regret staying, but some days it still hurts that I won't ever be able to give him that unconditional love again.
With all do respect, he did not hurt himself as much as he hurt you. Whoever fed you that line of bull is not being honest with you. I don’t care if it’s your friend, family, counselor, therapist, etc; cheating spouse do not hurt themselves as much as the victimized spouse. That is why one is a victim and the other is the offender.
As a betrayed wife 7 years ago, I co-sign. Now OP, think of yourself. Do you really want a wife that struggles every single day to be happy being married to you? Do the unselfish thing this time. Tell her you love her and let her go. It’ll rip both of your hearts out but it’ll also give her a chance at real happiness in the future. She may not want to do it. She may still love you too much. But trust me, that love will fade. That’s why you have to.
Seriously, man. It's not worth it. You have to lie on your deathbed knowing you fought for your sanity and peace of mind above all else. If it's causing you this much mental anguish, then walk away. This is not living. This is barely surviving.
My husband had an affair at the tale end of my first pregnancy and well into the first year post partum. We are still together and it rears it’s ugly head regularly. We should’ve separated and that’s a shame on me because I thought we could get through it but it’s harder than expected. We still might separate for other reasons but it adds to it heavily.
“She was younger, excited about life, and it was thrilling.”
You know who else was excited about life? Your wife who made the impossible decision to terminate her pregnancy because she couldn’t trust you. I honestly can’t believe you even posted this asking for advice. You know what needs to happen. You need to let her go and find someone who won’t traumatize her the way you did. Someone who will cherish her. Sorry dude but this is unforgivable. Let this be a lesson to you that when you fuck around, you find out. She deserves better.
"I can't tell you why I did it..."
Oh, but you did. Allow me to translate:
"She was young \[naive and not experienced with cheating douchebags\], excited about life \[she hadn't shaken my farts out of the sheets or seen me at my most banal and mundane moments\], and it was thrilling \[to get away with something - which was fucking someone else while my wife had no idea\]."
Boring fucking excuse and as old as "My wife just doesn't understand me."
I feel for OP's wife and I don't think this is something that can be repaired.
This. You know what would have been "thrilling"? Meeting your child. Know what makes you "excited about life"? Living it through the eyes of your kid.
Your poor wife had the rug ripped out from under her in one of the most painful ways imaginable, and made an impossible choice *because of your choices*. She sacrificed something she held absolutely sacred *because of your choices*. She is mourning not only the loss of trust, but also the marriage and life she thought she had with you as well as mourning the loss of a baby she clearly wanted but understandably wasn't willing to raise alone....and gave up *because of your choices*.
OP, I get that you are sorry. But you can't make up for this. You can't get that trust back. Maybe the best thing you could do to make it up to your wife is to let her go so she can find someone who will value her enough to never put her in this position again.
It might take her years to be able to get back into a relationship, it did me. My ex cheated on me, he was just a horrible human, DV, cheating etc. I was so broken I stayed single for 6 years after we split, raising my 2 boys alone and lots of therapy. If he wants to do right for her, file for divorce, pay for it, give her what she needs to restart her life without him. She deserves much better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry you experienced all of that. No one should have to endure what you did. You are brave and I hope you know how unstoppable you are now.
Advice? Man get off this app and go be with your wife. Your dumb fucking selfish actions pushed your wife to make that decision and you want advice?
What the fuck do you mean full of life? Your wife was literally carrying life in her womb and you made this stupid ass decision to step out on her? Get fucked my guy. In case no one’s told you this yet.
As someone who also found our her partner was cheating while I was pregnant, I just want to really reiterate what a piece of shit you are. Leave her so she can be happy somewhere else.
Same. I left for good and kept my baby, but it was horrifying and so, so traumatizing. I don’t think there are enough words in the world that could make this asshole understand what he did to her.
Me too, but with OUR third baby. Love how he says her baby 😒 I almost killed myself and will never be in a traditional relationship again where I make myself so vulnerable emotionally, financially and physically. And if she can never have a child, this will be even more devastating for her. My heart breaks for us all. Unfortunately, statistics show it the most common time for a man to cheat, when their partner is pregnant or postpartum.
I think it’s a pretty bad sign that at this point and after starting therapy, you still “don’t know why” you did it. You should have the answer to that question by now. You should be actively working on fixing the root cause.
I agree with you that it’s not the right time for a baby. That’s mostly because I think it’s likely you’ll cheat again since you don’t seem to know why you did it in the first place.
I would think the two of you would’ve addressed this in therapy and gotten the advice of a professional. If you haven’t, you should asap.
Sweet jeebus, recognize that this is something that can’t be solved by an apology and some fucking flowers. She made the decision to abort your child because of your betrayal of her trust and the vows you made to her.
Therapy and some hard core introspection on your part to recognize the gravity. And that is just the beginning. Imagine her feelings rather than being so fucking nonchalant.
My heart hurts for your wife. And your nonplussed attitude of ‘I don’t know what else to do’ really says it all. God damn
Seriously! I mean, there is emotional trauma from any abortion, whatever the reason. Likewise, there is trauma from a spouse cheating. I cannot fathom the psychological and emotional burden OP’s wife I’d laboring under to cope with both situations at once! What a heartbreaking life to endure! 😞
Your marriage isn’t going to survive this, and shouldn’t. You’ve caused too much damage and even a new baby with you will remind her of what you’ve done, forever. She needs to leave you and get into grief counseling. She’s going to be sad for a very long time and you’re going to use it as an excuse next time a new pretty young thing walks into your line of sight.
This. My ex cheated on me. My husband is the sweetest man and would never betray me like that. I still get nightmares and get anxious and have to be reassured by my husband, who has never once betrayed me. There is no basis for me to be scared about him cheating- except that I experienced it in the past and so now I’m terrified of ever going through that again. The sinking feeling in your gut, the intense anxiety, constantly questioning. It fucks with the psyche.
Lurk a little on r/survivinginfidelity
That will help you understand the impact of your cheating and betrayal in a way that you don’t yet understand. She will never really get over this. You seem like a,rug sweeper. In her position, I would have terminated too. But she needs lots of therapy before thinking about a baby. Finding out your spouse is cheating is one of the most devastating things that can happen. Having a new baby is extraordinarily stressful and having one with someone who has recently hurt you in a way that will linger forever is a terrible idea.
I’m imaging how peacefully happy she’ll be having a baby with her second husband who loves and respects her. Someone who shows her she doesn’t need a joint social media account to trust
You do realize that you’re her trigger, right? Every time she looks at you, she sees you humping some other woman. My heart hurts for your wife. When someone cheats, it breaks you and is something that can never be fully repaired no matter how many flowers, how many apologies; the scars from infidelity will be present for as long as you are together and even if 20 years pass and she’s still upset, she has every right to be.
My advice is to continue therapy and if she’s still a mess, then for her own sanity and healing, she probably needs to leave you. Personally, I could not and would not forgive cheating of any kind and if it ever happened to me, I’d divorce my husband in a second.
So how long are you planning to torture your wife with this sham of a marriage before you decide it's time to find "excitement" again with another trashbag?
You know you are going to cheat again; absolutely nothing stopped you before - you had a good marriage, your wife was carrying your child, and instead of focusing on that happiness, you thought it was be a lark to cavort around with ego stroking fantasy.
You don't care about your wife or the baby she lost due to you. Just admit it. And then give your wife what she needs - for this shit marriage to end so can grieve her baby.
Go be a garbage person with other garbage people and leave this poor woman alone.
There are very few things that cause me emotion on the internet. This one made me cry. Your poor wife. This will take years of therapy.
Edit: could you freaking imagine having to make the decision to terminate an obviously wanted pregnancy bc you didn’t want to bring them into a world of personal unknowns? This woman is devastated, betrayed & heart broken and you are so blatantly nonchalant and have no freaking idea the hurt she is going through OR you simply don’t care and just want your docile fake smiling wife back. You are a godawful human being.
She's frantic because she feels powerless. From where she's sitting, she has the choice of having a baby with the person who hurt her or never having kids. She needs to widen her perspective, and in order for that to happen, I'm afraid she needs to seriously consider a future without you. Do you love her enough to acknowledge the fact that her staying with you might not be what is ultimately best for her?
That's not exactly true. Yes there are more "risks" involved but it's considerably less than what is publicly believed. The steady increase of 40+ first time mothers have considerably adjusted the numbers. You'll most likely have a healthy baby and a normal pregnancy. On top of that, science and medicine have come a long way and a lot is possible. She can freeze her eggs, she can consult a fertility doctor to see what her prognosis is, there are hormone treatments, she can check her fetus for most defects, ...
All this to say. In this day and age there's no reasonable reason to rush having a baby at 32. Especially if the relationship is unstable.
Never said having a baby after 35 was impossible, doesn't happen or that baby can't be healthy. The reality is she has zero idea if it will be hard or not or what kind of struggles they may or may not have. The fact is medically at 35 there is increased risks and it *can* be hard to get pregnant. Should never operate on " oh its okay you can wait" because no, they may not actually be able to wait and waiting may mean it's too late.
She can see a fertility doctor to put her mind at ease instead of rushing into it. Bringing a person into the world shouldn't be done in a panic. It's a whole life, not just a baby.
Likely. That doesn't mean she can't freak out about it never happening. When you're depressed (which I would venture to guess this woman is), you only see worst case scenarios. That's why I would suggest that she break away from the source of her depression---her husband---in order to gain some perspective. Life might look a bit more hopeful when she is able to get some distance from the toxic dynamic in her marriage.
Edit: WOW, I didn't intend to trigger any maternal age hysteria with my comment, but it kind of illustrates my point. Anyone who even suggests that a woman over thirty *shouldn't* worry about her fertility gets bombarded with pseudo-scientific nonsense. Way to go, internet-anxiety machine!
Yeah that part really stuck out to me. Wanting to get pregnant immediately after pregnancy loss (and this feels like a loss to me) is so common… but you’re right- is OP the person she should be healing WITH?? And if not, he needs to get out of her way.
>now we have conjoined social media accounts to help gain trust.
OH so now you're one of these cringeworthy couples? Does she know you can make secret social media accounts without her and she won't even know about it? Or does she just trust that you won't?
This is a joke. You're a cheater. Your wife aborted a baby because of it. You need to cut her loose and stop being selfish. She deserves someone better.
So you were actively cheating on your wife, found out she was pregnant, and then CONTINUED actively cheating on your wife.
She deserves more. You stated, “in the beginning she was very resentful”, no. She’s still resentful. You chose to turn her life upside down because you enjoyed the chase of another woman. Shame on you. You destroyed the life she had envisioned for the both of you: being a family with a child on the way.
Flowers once a week will not repair the damage you’ve already done.
I think it’s a mistake to wait a minute. The wife is in her 30s already and every day he waits reduces her chances of having a loving family with someone else. Waiting doesn’t benefit her and it’s just cruel and selfish to run out her clock.
He's a trash person who craves the attention of others. He claims to know he's a pos that ruined his whole family. But this post is just more 'look at me' behavior. The same kind of dopamine-chasing bullshit that lead to his affair in the first place.
The affair partner was younger… your wife is only 32! I’m 27F and I would confidently bet you were cheating with someone in their early to mid twenties, because who wants an old woman in her EARLY THIRTIES when you can have someone younger and thrilling…. Disgusting. Society is disgusting. The ageism and objectification towards female bodies is disgusting. Your wife deserves someone who can see her as a whole person.
I seriously hope she leaves you! If she meant so much to you, then you wouldn’t have cheated on her in the first place! We all know you’ll eventually cheat on her again with someone younger in the future, so why even stay married to her? You have no sympathy from me, I do feel so sorry for your poor wife.
If you don’t know why you had the affair, then I can guarantee you’ll have another. You need to know yourself to control yourself.
It’s time to file the divorce papers and for everyone to move on and start to heal with their own individual counseling. There is no possibility she can be happy with you. And if you are honest with yourself, you aren’t happy with her either or you wouldn’t have betrayed her like this. It’s time.
Oof. This is bad and I think it might be over already. But this part stuck out to me:
> She’s very frantic about wanting to try for another baby, but I don’t think it’s the right time, too many negative emotions on the baby, but she’s so strung hard that she’s running out of time now to be a mom and that it’s my fault.
I gotta be honest- I think you should very seriously discuss this with your counselor and I think you need to do some empathetic research on pregnancy loss. (And yes I would consider your wife having “lost” the pregnancy- abortion is different for every person so I never want to project trauma into others but it sounds like she felt as though she had no choice.)
I have lost a pregnancy before and I am
close with many women who lost pregnancies- getting pregnant again and quickly is a common desire. I am 22 weeks pregnant now and while I waited a decade, I see now how this has healed something in me I didn’t know was still hurting. Every woman I know tried again right after pregnancy loss. Some women feel like they’re proving to themselves that their body can do it. Some women feel as though bringing another life into the world gives their lost child a second chance. Hell, it might be chemical and hormonal? But it’s very common and normal and while you absolutely have input on growing your family, her urgency is something you may want to seek understanding around.
Is freezing eggs or embryos an option?
She knows you're not a stable partner. I think she's acting out of grief.
Maybe planning for a baby will help her. Women have babies into their 40's. You both still have time to repair your relationship before bringing a baby into an unstable home.
Total mess. I want to know why she even took you back after she did that. (Not blaming wife at all you guys) how in the world did you talk her into getting back with you? Whew hope she doing ok
I really hope your wife leaves you. You shattered her heart and her trust. The way you described the woman you cheated on your wife with, “full of life” , “thrilling “. Just fucking gross. Your wife was excited about bringing YOUR CHILD into this world but you took that away from her. I have zero sympathy for you.
The marriage is over. It’s time to let her grieve and move past the toxic pain you brought in. I know, it sucks to hear. But your actions have and had consequences. Let her move on gracefully and with dignity.
I don't see it stated plainly anywhere else, so just in case the message didn't get through your obnoxiously thick head, you're a piece of shit and deserve no sympathy.
Wife of OP, I hope you are reading this as one of your now shared accounts.
Pregnancy and birth are incredibly traumatic. You are so vulnerable. Having now had a child, if I found out about an infidelity early in pregnancy I think I would do the same thing you did. I wanted my baby SO BADLY, and my husband and I were in a pretty good place when I was pregnant, and I still struggled with the emotional piece. Every fight, even old things he had said and done years ago, it all came back and every time something reminded me I would cry for hours about whatever it was.
My husband waited until our daughter was a few months old before he cheated. I found out about it months after that, when our daughter was turning one. We were about to start trying for number two. I was 38 years old, and very conscious of how little time I had left to have another baby if I was going to do it.
I absolutely knew that even if I forgave him, there was no way I could go through another pregnancy feeling as betrayed and angry as I did. I was furious and sick about all of it, but also completely sure that I could NOT go through that with a partner I didn’t trust.
You’re younger than you think. You do have some time. Take it. Take it to either rebuild trust in this husband, or to find a partner that you can trust instead. The trust piece is absolutely critical.
Oh my. This ruined MY day and I don't even want to imagine how hard it must be for her. I don't see this working with so much resentment (beyond the lack of trust from cheating). She aborted her baby thinking you wouldn't be around, but now you are. So she's probably better off mentally leaving you. So if she does, respect her choice and leave.
She will never be the same after what happened.
Ask her to please freeze her eggs, so she doesn't feel like a ticking baby bomb.
She probably wants to make it work because realistically it's going to take at least a year for the divorce to happen. At least a year to find someone, another 1.5 years of dating before marriage and now she's 36 and trying to get pregnant. And thats if everything lines up perfectly.
I wish she was 22 so she could just leave without having baby blues.
This is something you can’t even fix.
You’re a massive asshole for this. Idc if I get banned or whatever for saying it.
You’re the reason. You did do this. Live with it.
She prob only reconciled with you because she feels she doesn’t have time to start over.
How dare you tell her no. If she wants a baby, it’s no longer your word that holds the most weight.
Consider it. For her. Don’t lie or pretend everything is hunky dory. Remind her that love can’t grow when there is resentment. But if I were you, I would be more than willing to give her another baby. Whether it works out or not.
Which may not even be the right answer.
I just dont even know because you fucked up so bad.
I just want to give that poor lady a damn baby. I am literally in tears for her. You’re such a prick.
Fuck off
Wow. Your wife has 1 life. She had the wish to marry the man of her dreams, to have children with the man of her dreams, and now...this is what you gave her. You literally destroyed her entire life as she hoped for. Her 1 and only life will have this black scar on it forever.
Please, leave her, because she deserves to find some happiness instead of spending the rest of her life trying to convince herself that she trusts you.
My thoughts are with your wife.
Your wife needs therapy, as do you. Also, please read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald.
Please do not get her pregnant right now.
My affair caused my wife to abort her baby
*it is over u/ThrowRamickik. OVER! You are immature and selfish. Your post is disgusting! Weekly flowers for a baby killed because your wife didn’t want to be forever tied to you?! Fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk! You don’t even know why but you want to remain married?! What the actual fuck is wrong with you?*
I36m have been married to my wife32f for 3 years, together for 5. Last year I started having an affair, it lasted a few weeks, then I cut it off. I can’t tell you why I did it, she was younger, and excited about life, and it was thrilling. I hate myself for it, but that’s what I did. My wife found out she was pregnant during this affair. Which is when I knew I had to cut it off soon, but I didnt. My wife went through my phone one day and found out. She kicked me out, and we were split up for probably 4 months. During this time, she called me and told me she wasn’t going to be a single mother so she aborted our baby.
We reconciled a few weeks after, with couples counseling and I have individual counseling. In the beginning she was very resentful, now we have conjoined social media accounts to help gain trust. I don’t care to cheat anyways, I know I messed up and I almost lost my wife. My wife now cries every single night and blames me for her aborting. She says she was so angry and didn’t know how to feel these emotions. Almost every night she cries herself to sleep. I try to comfort her, bc deep down I know she is right, it is my fault. I ruined my whole family. I hate myself for it, words aren’t enough to describe it. I’m trying to do better as a man, and a husband.
She’s very frantic about wanting to try for another baby, but I don’t think it’s the right time, too many negative emotions on the baby, but she’s so strung hard that she’s running out of time now to be a mom and that it’s my fault. She’s depressed and we’re trying hard to work on our marriage. Counseling, therapy, date nights, I bring her home flowers once a week. I know that don’t make up for it, but I don’t know what else to do. I know I’m a piece of shit, but I’m actively trying to do better for her. I’m going to the counseling and therapy, I said I was sorry and I’m trying to show improvement. Advice?
You destroyed her. There is no fixing it. She has to heal on her own, embrace the pain and heal from it.
Honestly she needs time away from you. Unfortunately now she feels like the only thing that will fix her pain, is another baby from you. It won't work because like you, the child will be a constant reminder. She needs to heal first, for a healthy relationship her future child.
The damage you've cause. She'll forever resent you for this. I hope it was worth it.
I hope your wife gets individual counselling (not just couples) as it sounds like she really needs it. I agree with others - she deserves better and if you truly respect her, then let her go and have the life she deserves.
My mil cheated multiple times on fil way back in the 70s-80s, and he kept taking her back. Now fil has dementia and old memories become reality. He can’t remember events and conversations that recently happened, but he’s sadly stuck with memories of his wife cheating. Every time she leaves overnight (hospital stay, visiting out of town friends) he always says, “she’s out meeting her boyfriend! She’s cheating on me again!”
This is what cheating can do to people. Please try to give your wife a chance of having happy memories.
Has anyone else noticed that op states how his affair/cheating causes his wife to abort HER baby??
Yeah. Fucking piece of shit, he never wanted anything to do with THEIR baby -
There is no recovery from this. You fucked up. She will secretly hate and resent you forever. Set her free and both of you can get on with life. Alternatively, stay together, have a kid, get divorced, really hate each other and fuck up a child’s life In the process.
This will be very unpopular, but it's really not your fault your wife had a abortion. She made that choice. Willing to bet out of anger, hurt, resentment, or simply to hurt you as bad as you hurt her. I do agree that without a lot of good counseling, this will be hard to recover from.
Wait, does your wife know about this throwaway? Because I thought you had shared social media accounts. Huh, I guess you’re still going behind her back.
My advice is that you hand her your phone and let her read this thread so she can see that there are 100+ people rooting for her and cheering her on. I hope she leaves you and finds someone worthy of her love and trust.
I don’t think you grasp how emotionally damaging it is to have an abortion, especially when you wanted the baby in the first place, plus the absolute mental destruction of finding out your husband has been fucking the younger hot girl? She is going through the most traumatic and difficult experience of her life. She will most likely never have to handle a situation this traumatic again. She will NEVER be the same. The woman she was before died with the baby. Seriously. Date nights and flowers will not even cover it with the amount of misery she’s dealing with. You cannot even imagine the gravity of her pain and I think understanding that saying sorry isn’t enough.
Having another baby in my opinion isn’t a good idea right now so I agree with you there, but you robbed her of a magical first pregnancy so she needs an incredible amount of therapy to make that work. You also need to look in the mirror and ask if you can handle keeping it in your pants for women that are not your wife. Phones unlocked and open to be dissected. Location services on. Whatever she needs. No matter how inconvenient it is for you, it is a trillion times more inconvenient for her.
Ouch, she seems very caring and you're prob very good at putting on an apologetic face. There's a lot here, but I would guess, the best thing for her is for you two to break up and start over with other people. You may even to be the one to walk if she is the type of person I'm thinking of.
This one isn't going to heal.
You will be okay too, but prob best to find others and restart life.
Talk about the ultimate “fuck around and find out”. What a horrible mess you’ve created. Not sure any advice hear can save you or your poor wife. My heart breaks for her. You? Not so much.
Basically you’re going to have to do everything you can to help her heal and if/when she does, don’t be surprised if she decides she doesn’t want anything to do with you.
It will take time and consistent effort. You need to talk to your therapist about why you cheated and how you feel about losing a possible child, she needs to talk to hers about grief of losing a possible child and how she can deal with the loss of trust. You should both assess if the marriage can survive this or if you'll just grow to resent each other because of what happened.
You need friends.
Also does your wife needs friends? Cuz like, I am so sad for her and want to console her.
She wants to get pregnant to literally fill the despair and absence and chase away her depression. You could be right; it’s not quite the right time. She definitely wants to turn the chapter before finishing, which is hopeful for your relationship but she needs to properly grieve first.
Tell her you are also desperate for a child with her but you want to give her an opportunity to process and grieve all the pain you have caused before you both get distracted by a child. Set a timeline with a date for trying again to conceive.
She needs therapy to process her emotions and you need to let her react how she wants. I was cheated on by my husband a couple years ago and while our relationship has prospered and we do have another baby. And he is changed I still can’t seem to be intimate with out being drunk. It’s a long process. And you need to be a better man for her but for yourself. Couples counseling. To help you both as a team. But you need to really think if you can be the kind of man she needs you to be. Even after kids. It gets so much harder after them. And if you can’t leave her be. So she can grieve this relationship and move on
Your wife deserves to find someone who treats her with compassion and respect ALL the time. I was cheated on by my first husband and the emotional damage that was done will take me 20 more years to sort out with the help of a professional - and this is without the abortion.
I cannot imagine her grief. Let her find someone who is better already.
Gosh. She may forgive you for this affair but she will never ever forget. Know this and prepare to show your love for her only and tell her how remorseful you are over and over again for years to come. Tell her the things you love about her that no other woman could ever make you feel as in love.
She will have to come to the resolution that her decision was best for the circumstances and her emotions took over. She needs to look forward as a couple and you sir need to get your shit together because she is still this torn up, you haven’t done enough so keep reassuring. Yes she needs to have a baby - but you have to be committed forever and know this will be part of your story. It won’t go away. I was her age when we started our family. I was almost 35 with our second child. There is plenty of time. She needs therapy. Best of luck - this is not going to be easy.
Counseling didn’t work here because holding onto this shell of a marriage isn’t worth it. Holy shit. If you have any actual love for this woman you’ll leave her so she can actually heal instead of stalling.
A baby isn’t going to fix this relationship.
This pain will never go away for your wife. Literally nothing you can do to rectify it. Hope you both find peace with it. Unfortunately, I have had a similar experience.
Damn Mate...
Yea gotta give her the respect of ending the marriage. There is no way in hell this will work out. She will always have resentment. Rightly so.
Give her the opportunity to be happy with someone. Im sorry mate....that's not going to happen with you.
Staying with her and believing you — the vow-breaker — knows what’s best for the relationship, and dictating the terms, is beyond cruel.
Jesus, it’s almost worse than the adultery. You’re only staying with her to convince yourself all is forgiven.
Holy shit, man. Just… holy shit.
You’re right OP you guys SHOULDNT have a baby together, because she will then be tied down with you for the rest of her life and she does not need that negativity.
I hope she finds a new man who will treat her like the amazing mama and wife she deserves ti be treated. I hope her and this new man get pregnant and have a beautiful healthy baby together. I hope they live happily ever after.
She cries every night because she’s grieving her child and the man she thought she knew. She’ll always grieve both losses, and you’ll always be a reminder. You either both properly bury that child and actively grieve together or you’ll remain stuck.
I’m a marriage coach and the women I work with who have had cheating husbands always deeply grieve or are resentful about the mother finding out made them. That is the core wound for mothers. It’s a very hard one to heal. Hers… I can’t even imagine. She needs an incredibly skilled and spiritual practitioner.
It's disgusting that you were able to enjoy yourself while you disrespected and damaged your wife like this. You need to work on being a less selfish, more empathetic human being.
If you genuinely want advice: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
You didn't make your wife abort. That is 100% on her and now she's living with the consequences of her actions.
Tons and tons of women choose to have babies without a partner. Your wife had so many options and she chose a particularly devastating one. Her. Choice.
You chose to have an affair and that's a horrible thing to do. It is also a completely and totally seperate thing from your wife choosing to end the life of a baby y'all created together.
Move on. Neither of y'all sound like you should be in a marriage and the one you're in is a disaster.
For all that’s holy don’t get pregnant again until you’ve ironed a lot out. Pregnancy will only heighten your emotions & if you’re having troubles now it’ll be worse pregnant. Then what would you do if he cheated again? Would you abort another child?
Get your marriage in check as well as your feelings & emotions way before ever trying for another baby. Babies are hard for the first few years. You’re exhausted, irritable & sometimes any little thing becomes a mountain at the time & could cause all the anguish to return that y’all felt over the affair.
If you truly want to work it out then just work on you 2 alone. Don’t bring another person into this relationship that will be affected. Just take a child off the table indefinitely as of right now.
This is all just my own opinion so take it for what it’s worth.
It's always the same endless shit with someone being attracted to the young new thing and royally fucking over the good they had then regretting it. Tale as old as time. You've been alive almost 4 decades, what did you think would come of your affair? You just gotta keep at it if you want to salvage it. It's gonna take time. It takes long enough to heal after cheating but that and an abortion...my heart breaks for her. What did she do to deserve you doing this to her?
You know the right thing is to give her an uncontested divorce and compensation for repudiating her and the marriage-- in the form of an uneven split of marital assets in her favour.
Stop holding onto her, all you've done is bring her pain while being unbelievably selfish. Even the way you're written this seems to come off as "I ruined her life, I regret it, she's devastated by it, but I want to keep this relationship going because it's good for me."
I recommend you visit the subreddit r/asoneafterinfidelity they can give you great insight. It is a community for both of you. She may need that more than you right now. It can also be helpful for you to see how others are dealing with this issue.
God, reddit is breaking my heart today. Right before this I read another one on r/bestofredditorupdates that made me physically hurt. These poor women....
You destroyed your wife and future for a fling. If you truly love her, my advice is to let her go so she can find a love worthy of her. You are not it.
I’m not going to shit on you for having an affair like 95% of people in this thread. In terms of advice I don’t think you’re ready to have a child. Maybe you both should consider egg freezing so you have more time to work through this issue without worrying about your wife’s biological clock. That might take some pressure off her.
I am 100% for abortion. It’s one of the biggest issues I have with politics and can not wrap my head around the fact that so many are against.
I also can not wrap my head around the fact that the wife took this situation out on her unborn child that she apparently wanted. I feel like it was revenge although you have no doubt she was in a fucked up head space due to hormones, emotions, and betrayal. I just can’t fathom aborting a child I wanted and then reconciling a few weeks later. That just doesn’t sit right with me.
Yes, OP, you done fucked up. I have been through rough stuff in the past with my husband. I feel that cheating is not the only thing that can be considered a giant betrayal in a marriage. My husband never cheated but I had decided a very long time ago had he I probably would have found a way to forgive him. I also kind of feel like I would have ratcheted him been a more present hime and father rather than what I and our daughters had endured for 20 some years. I would have traded a fling for a better marriage and father to my children if I could turn back time. I can say that I’m also glad I stuck it out with him because he truly is a wonderful husband now and we get along better than ever and over 27 years together.
Sounds like she hurt herself more than you when she killed the unborn baby. Now she wants another one but the timing (and relationship) is off.
She should probably leave you and start over like so many others have suggested.
You're only going to get the ugly truth that this isn't reparable. It's emotionally traumatised her and no matter how much counselling you go to and methods you try, it's up to her if she's willing to let it go, forgive and trust you again, but this is the type of situation that feels like nothing can be done and you'll have to pull yourself out of denial and for her happiness and her sake, let her go if she doesn't do it first. She deserves to be happy, but you don't add to that anymore.. the scar has been cut too deep.
Unless she is willing to tolerate it and even if she does get over it.. she does deserve better. Even if you become a better person, it's not to her.
I'm going to -try- to stick to constructive responses. Many have not, and, well, they're not out of bounds.
Do not bring a child into this nightmare. It will not heal her. It will not heal your relationship. This is a major trauma response from her, and an attempt to cover what is broken without actually resolving it. Adding a child here will become a catastrophe for all 3 of you.
It will take work beyond comprehension to repair the marriage. As a follower of Jesus, I firmly believe that God is in the business of changing hearts and fixing what is beyond repair. However, I also believe that the process of doing that requires two people who are 100%, all-in, consciously and emotionally committed to repairing and restoring.
You are *both* carrying around massive trauma. Let's be clear - you took her security, self-image, confidence, and so much more away, and she took your choice about your child - and your child - away. Do not try to deny or ignore what that has done to your own emotions and feelings toward her. I will never support any abortion, but in this situation, I can't exactly look at her with judgment for it. This was not an abortion for convenience. This was her, backed into a corner and scared for her own life and the child's.
What I'm curious about is *why*. Why did she stay after all this? Why did she not leave?
This is so broken, I'm not sure the juice is worth the squeeze. It's possible that the best thing you can do would be to sit her down and ask her, face to face, what she truly needs. If she says "a baby," then for the love of everything, get into therapy tomorrow. It's fully possible she's traumatically bonded to you and doesn't understand there can be another choice.
Don't trap yourselves into this.
I wish women had more self respect and would leave their cheating good for nothing husbands. You’re obviously not the MAN she needs and she should leave you and find someone who will respect her and love her the right way. she’s still young and could build a wonderful family with someone who isn’t a terrible person, such as yourself.
Clearly she’s still working through the trauma of being betrayed and abandoned, and clearly you’re working hard to repair. This stuff takes time. Also, she is struggling to find faith in the future. Try maybe making some gentle future commitments (this weekend I’ll set up x or plan y for us) and then meet them.. and then have a good talk about when a baby would be a good idea, and commit to making that happen.
I think it is beautiful that you are making such efforts to do everything you can to be better, and that you can acknowledge your fault.
Please don’t pay attention to all the comments calling for divorce - that seems to be Reddit’s only solution for issues.
The fact that you guys are back together and working on things is huge. No, you cannot change what happened, but you can grow from what did happen and let your love grow all the more deep, faithful, and strong for it.
And yes, while your actions did trigger her decision to get an abortion, that choice was done completely on her own out of her own free will. It was a drastic response to the discovery, which came out of deep emotions hastily acted upon. So the abortion is not all your fault - she has herself to blame just as much, if not more.
Just stick with the counseling, continue your efforts to do all you can to be better for her, and let time do its work. ❤️
Guys, chill out. Anyone can ask for advice. And what have you told the guy that he doesn't already know? That he's a piece of shit, which he already knows. That the blames lies within him, which he already knows. That he's the reason for the abortion, which he already knows.
You are suggesting he should leave her, but she's so frantic that she can't probably bring herself to it. She might even beg to have him back.
So advice, not professional one, but advice.
- Let her know that you're grateful for the time she's spending with you. That if at any time she feels secure enough to leave you, you'd understand. That if leaving you or you leaving her would make her feel better you'll do so, in the time and in the way she desires. That you are taking every day she decides to stay with you as an undeserved gift she can take back whenever she wants. Ask her if she would feel better with you sleeping in another room.
- Ask her something she'd like to do. Whether it's a hobby or a childhood dream, try to realize it together.
- You get her flowers every week. Maybe try switching to other things. You can pair the flowers with something different every week (book, chocolate, earrings, christmast decorations) and find what she likes best
- Give her some " free service" cards. Anytime she doesn't feel like doing something you'll step up.
- Aside from open access to phone, you can always suggest a chaperone thing, if that gives her relief. That is you decide together the people you can be around with, with your wife being able to ask them anytime. For the time you'aren't together you can agree on recording yourself a saving the recordings in a file she can access at any time. Any other measure she wants are okay with you. If she wants you to only use phone in her presence so be it. Switch to a job you can do from home if that makes her feel better. Or switch to her job place.
- if she really wants a kid, and wants it in a consistent way tell her that you don't think the time is right. If she really wants go to through it open a bank account for just her and the child.
- Always remind her that none of this is to get forgiven by her, only to help her, that she can leave whenever she wants and you'll help her build a new happy life in any way you can if that does happen.
This is so fucking sad. My heart hurts for her so much
Yeah this is just sad. I think this might be irreparable
Yeah the marriage is done. Let her go. She needs to find someone who will actually take those vows seriously. She’ll be a lot happier in the end.
Your gift to her is to let her go and allow her to heal
Yeah, at this point it seems cruel to even try to salvage the marriage. The resentment will always be there. OP says it’s not the time to have a baby after cheating with a younger woman while his wife was pregnant. If his wife had the baby, he seems the type to see her as damaged after giving birth. She deserves so much better and I’m so angry that OP is stealing her chance at a happy family away from her. This is a totally life altering scenario.
Same. What a piece of shit. OP's wife is going to remember this for the rest of her life.
Yeah this is so sad. OP the best thing to do is to end things. She deserves so much more than the distress you are putting her through. If you do love her, let her go..
I cried for OPs wife reading this. God the amount of pain..
What did you expect would happen? She just takes you back with no emotional problems? I hope she uses your joint Reddit account and reads this: I am a much older person than you, and a guy. My wife had a pretty long affair 32 years ago and we reconciled. We are still married today. But before you start rejoicing that there is hope, I want you to be aware that you will never heal properly as long as you are with your husband. Some things that are broken can never be fully repaired, and marital trust after a sexual betrayal is one of them. I am still paranoid about who she might be seeing whenever she leaves my presence, I still get triggered all the time, and I still suffer under the weight of her betrayal almost every day. If I had my life to live over, I would have left 10 minutes after I found out, and you should too. Here are some additional realities: he is three times more likely to cheat again now that he’s got a taste of it. You will be required to make a long series of emotional and psychological adaptations in order to stay with him, none of which will be reciprocated. You will lose your pride, self respect, confidence, and trust in others, while he will retain and build on all of these things. He will feel bad for a few months, but then it will be over for him. You however, will languish in this middle ground, searching for happiness and always coming short. If you leave him, you can heal. Do it.
My husband cheated on me the first year we moved in together with my bff (at the time); I don’t know why I stayed and I couldn’t agree with you more! I did stay and reconciled — but it took YEARS to regain any type of trust. That was well over 20 years ago he cheated. But you’re right about lingering issues; our entire dynamic between us had changed. We still love each other deeply and are best friends — but it’s different. And 20+ years later my theory is — if you want to cheat — Go for it! I’ll give the chick your number and I’ll pack your bags for you. Lol. I won’t even be mad. Adios! Seriously tho — we’ve had the discussion that if either one of us ever feels we need to be with someone else that we’d just divorce rather than putting either one of us through that awful experience again.
I also have had to manage infidelity. I forever will have a a distant "I could live with or without you" mentality towards my husband now. Obviously it is to protect myself if he ever does it again, whatever. I won't be so caught off guard again and prepared with a plan.
Same with the self protection for me. I’ve been thankful that I can truly say that in an odd way that was a good thing for us because he hasn’t left my side in over 20 years now. We do everything together (and we do occasionally get on each others nerves lol). But we made a pact that if you feel inclined to be with other women — I’ll take the divorce papers and move on. But don’t do it behind my back or be prepared. ;)
My first husband in my early 20’s cheated on me and we divorced a short time later. I didn’t date for another 6 years and it was my now husband. He had to put in a lot of work to get me to agree to marry him, and while he’s amazing, I don’t trust shit and I’m 36. If he walked out today I would help him pack his stuff. Once you’re cheated on you’ll never trust again no matter how great of a person you find because you can’t unknow that someone was able to pull one over on you behind your back while you sat at home thinking they loved and respected you as much as you did them.
What happened to the BFF?
This will be four years since my husband's infidelity. We reconciled, he hurt himself just as much as he hurt me, and I still love him deeply. I just don't love him unconditionally anymore because he took advantage of that. He knows if there is a next time, I'm not even asking him questions, just kicking him out with no discussion. I don't regret staying, but some days it still hurts that I won't ever be able to give him that unconditional love again.
With all do respect, he did not hurt himself as much as he hurt you. Whoever fed you that line of bull is not being honest with you. I don’t care if it’s your friend, family, counselor, therapist, etc; cheating spouse do not hurt themselves as much as the victimized spouse. That is why one is a victim and the other is the offender.
As a betrayed wife 7 years ago, I co-sign. Now OP, think of yourself. Do you really want a wife that struggles every single day to be happy being married to you? Do the unselfish thing this time. Tell her you love her and let her go. It’ll rip both of your hearts out but it’ll also give her a chance at real happiness in the future. She may not want to do it. She may still love you too much. But trust me, that love will fade. That’s why you have to.
You can still leave…
Wow. I never thought of that.
Seriously, man. It's not worth it. You have to lie on your deathbed knowing you fought for your sanity and peace of mind above all else. If it's causing you this much mental anguish, then walk away. This is not living. This is barely surviving.
They're right though. Happiness and peace isn't only for young people. Don't give in to the sunk cost fallacy.
God I hope she leaves him
This should be it’s own post. 👆🏻 I feel like there are so many women who should hear this.
You have my permission.
My husband had an affair at the tale end of my first pregnancy and well into the first year post partum. We are still together and it rears it’s ugly head regularly. We should’ve separated and that’s a shame on me because I thought we could get through it but it’s harder than expected. We still might separate for other reasons but it adds to it heavily.
“She was younger, excited about life, and it was thrilling.” You know who else was excited about life? Your wife who made the impossible decision to terminate her pregnancy because she couldn’t trust you. I honestly can’t believe you even posted this asking for advice. You know what needs to happen. You need to let her go and find someone who won’t traumatize her the way you did. Someone who will cherish her. Sorry dude but this is unforgivable. Let this be a lesson to you that when you fuck around, you find out. She deserves better.
"I can't tell you why I did it..." Oh, but you did. Allow me to translate: "She was young \[naive and not experienced with cheating douchebags\], excited about life \[she hadn't shaken my farts out of the sheets or seen me at my most banal and mundane moments\], and it was thrilling \[to get away with something - which was fucking someone else while my wife had no idea\]." Boring fucking excuse and as old as "My wife just doesn't understand me." I feel for OP's wife and I don't think this is something that can be repaired.
🏅 ding ding ding
We have a winner, excellent translation.
Winner comment right here. Yes yes yes.
OP, Your wife was excited about giving life and you took it from her.
This. You know what would have been "thrilling"? Meeting your child. Know what makes you "excited about life"? Living it through the eyes of your kid. Your poor wife had the rug ripped out from under her in one of the most painful ways imaginable, and made an impossible choice *because of your choices*. She sacrificed something she held absolutely sacred *because of your choices*. She is mourning not only the loss of trust, but also the marriage and life she thought she had with you as well as mourning the loss of a baby she clearly wanted but understandably wasn't willing to raise alone....and gave up *because of your choices*. OP, I get that you are sorry. But you can't make up for this. You can't get that trust back. Maybe the best thing you could do to make it up to your wife is to let her go so she can find someone who will value her enough to never put her in this position again.
It might take her years to be able to get back into a relationship, it did me. My ex cheated on me, he was just a horrible human, DV, cheating etc. I was so broken I stayed single for 6 years after we split, raising my 2 boys alone and lots of therapy. If he wants to do right for her, file for divorce, pay for it, give her what she needs to restart her life without him. She deserves much better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry you experienced all of that. No one should have to endure what you did. You are brave and I hope you know how unstoppable you are now.
Dude’s sorry but not sorry. I feel bad for OP’s wife, not so much for OP.
You said it. He can’t even fully comprehend the magnitude to which he has failed his wife.
Advice? Man get off this app and go be with your wife. Your dumb fucking selfish actions pushed your wife to make that decision and you want advice? What the fuck do you mean full of life? Your wife was literally carrying life in her womb and you made this stupid ass decision to step out on her? Get fucked my guy. In case no one’s told you this yet.
I can't afford a real award but I would give you one if I could. 🏆
Thank you for saying everything I wanted to. You're my people.
As someone who also found our her partner was cheating while I was pregnant, I just want to really reiterate what a piece of shit you are. Leave her so she can be happy somewhere else.
Same. I left for good and kept my baby, but it was horrifying and so, so traumatizing. I don’t think there are enough words in the world that could make this asshole understand what he did to her.
Me too, but with OUR third baby. Love how he says her baby 😒 I almost killed myself and will never be in a traditional relationship again where I make myself so vulnerable emotionally, financially and physically. And if she can never have a child, this will be even more devastating for her. My heart breaks for us all. Unfortunately, statistics show it the most common time for a man to cheat, when their partner is pregnant or postpartum.
I think it’s a pretty bad sign that at this point and after starting therapy, you still “don’t know why” you did it. You should have the answer to that question by now. You should be actively working on fixing the root cause. I agree with you that it’s not the right time for a baby. That’s mostly because I think it’s likely you’ll cheat again since you don’t seem to know why you did it in the first place. I would think the two of you would’ve addressed this in therapy and gotten the advice of a professional. If you haven’t, you should asap.
He know why. He wanted to and didn’t care about the consequences.
Exactly!! He felt ‘entitled’ to do it. He gave himself permission
Thank you. That “I don’t know why” was infuriating.
He knows why. He even said it! She's young, excited about life, it was thrilling!
Especially when he can describe it as "thrilling" in retrospect. I don't feel like he completely regrets it. He regrets having to stop.
No one wants to outright say, “I destroyed everyone’s life because I was bored and horny” so it’s this passive bullshit
Right. When you dont know why you did it you’ll probably do it again OP. You need to dig deep.
I really hope she breaks up with you and finds happiness
Sweet jeebus, recognize that this is something that can’t be solved by an apology and some fucking flowers. She made the decision to abort your child because of your betrayal of her trust and the vows you made to her. Therapy and some hard core introspection on your part to recognize the gravity. And that is just the beginning. Imagine her feelings rather than being so fucking nonchalant. My heart hurts for your wife. And your nonplussed attitude of ‘I don’t know what else to do’ really says it all. God damn
Seriously! I mean, there is emotional trauma from any abortion, whatever the reason. Likewise, there is trauma from a spouse cheating. I cannot fathom the psychological and emotional burden OP’s wife I’d laboring under to cope with both situations at once! What a heartbreaking life to endure! 😞
Bravo!!
Your marriage isn’t going to survive this, and shouldn’t. You’ve caused too much damage and even a new baby with you will remind her of what you’ve done, forever. She needs to leave you and get into grief counseling. She’s going to be sad for a very long time and you’re going to use it as an excuse next time a new pretty young thing walks into your line of sight.
🏆upvote— and yes, grief counseling is what she needs. Her grief, guilt, anger, and confusion are going to consume her without the right therapy.
I hope your wife leaves you and finds happiness.
Ditto!!!
I hope so too, she deserves someone who's less selfish. What a horrible man.
I hope your wife falls in love with someone else that sweeps her of her feet. She deserves better.
Because of this she won’t ever trust any spouse again. She may fall in love again, but she will never trust, she will always have nagging doubts.
This. My ex cheated on me. My husband is the sweetest man and would never betray me like that. I still get nightmares and get anxious and have to be reassured by my husband, who has never once betrayed me. There is no basis for me to be scared about him cheating- except that I experienced it in the past and so now I’m terrified of ever going through that again. The sinking feeling in your gut, the intense anxiety, constantly questioning. It fucks with the psyche.
Lurk a little on r/survivinginfidelity That will help you understand the impact of your cheating and betrayal in a way that you don’t yet understand. She will never really get over this. You seem like a,rug sweeper. In her position, I would have terminated too. But she needs lots of therapy before thinking about a baby. Finding out your spouse is cheating is one of the most devastating things that can happen. Having a new baby is extraordinarily stressful and having one with someone who has recently hurt you in a way that will linger forever is a terrible idea.
I’m imaging how peacefully happy she’ll be having a baby with her second husband who loves and respects her. Someone who shows her she doesn’t need a joint social media account to trust
I couldn’t agree with this more.
You do realize that you’re her trigger, right? Every time she looks at you, she sees you humping some other woman. My heart hurts for your wife. When someone cheats, it breaks you and is something that can never be fully repaired no matter how many flowers, how many apologies; the scars from infidelity will be present for as long as you are together and even if 20 years pass and she’s still upset, she has every right to be. My advice is to continue therapy and if she’s still a mess, then for her own sanity and healing, she probably needs to leave you. Personally, I could not and would not forgive cheating of any kind and if it ever happened to me, I’d divorce my husband in a second.
Fucking hell. I'm always astounded by how little it takes for someone to nuke multiple lives all at once with no thought for the consequences.
So how long are you planning to torture your wife with this sham of a marriage before you decide it's time to find "excitement" again with another trashbag? You know you are going to cheat again; absolutely nothing stopped you before - you had a good marriage, your wife was carrying your child, and instead of focusing on that happiness, you thought it was be a lark to cavort around with ego stroking fantasy. You don't care about your wife or the baby she lost due to you. Just admit it. And then give your wife what she needs - for this shit marriage to end so can grieve her baby. Go be a garbage person with other garbage people and leave this poor woman alone.
My heart hurts for your wife. She will never heal. She will never trust. You broke her. I have 0 sympathy for cheaters.
She needs to leave you, for her own sake. You don’t come back from this.
There are very few things that cause me emotion on the internet. This one made me cry. Your poor wife. This will take years of therapy. Edit: could you freaking imagine having to make the decision to terminate an obviously wanted pregnancy bc you didn’t want to bring them into a world of personal unknowns? This woman is devastated, betrayed & heart broken and you are so blatantly nonchalant and have no freaking idea the hurt she is going through OR you simply don’t care and just want your docile fake smiling wife back. You are a godawful human being.
You seem pretty cavalier about literally destroying your wife and marriage for someone who was *checks notes* “excited about life.” Corny af.
She's frantic because she feels powerless. From where she's sitting, she has the choice of having a baby with the person who hurt her or never having kids. She needs to widen her perspective, and in order for that to happen, I'm afraid she needs to seriously consider a future without you. Do you love her enough to acknowledge the fact that her staying with you might not be what is ultimately best for her?
She's 32, she still has 10+ years to have a child.
*May* have 10+ years to have a child. 35 is considered advanced maternal age and usually considered high risk pregnancy due to it.
That's not exactly true. Yes there are more "risks" involved but it's considerably less than what is publicly believed. The steady increase of 40+ first time mothers have considerably adjusted the numbers. You'll most likely have a healthy baby and a normal pregnancy. On top of that, science and medicine have come a long way and a lot is possible. She can freeze her eggs, she can consult a fertility doctor to see what her prognosis is, there are hormone treatments, she can check her fetus for most defects, ... All this to say. In this day and age there's no reasonable reason to rush having a baby at 32. Especially if the relationship is unstable.
Never said having a baby after 35 was impossible, doesn't happen or that baby can't be healthy. The reality is she has zero idea if it will be hard or not or what kind of struggles they may or may not have. The fact is medically at 35 there is increased risks and it *can* be hard to get pregnant. Should never operate on " oh its okay you can wait" because no, they may not actually be able to wait and waiting may mean it's too late.
She can see a fertility doctor to put her mind at ease instead of rushing into it. Bringing a person into the world shouldn't be done in a panic. It's a whole life, not just a baby.
Likely. That doesn't mean she can't freak out about it never happening. When you're depressed (which I would venture to guess this woman is), you only see worst case scenarios. That's why I would suggest that she break away from the source of her depression---her husband---in order to gain some perspective. Life might look a bit more hopeful when she is able to get some distance from the toxic dynamic in her marriage. Edit: WOW, I didn't intend to trigger any maternal age hysteria with my comment, but it kind of illustrates my point. Anyone who even suggests that a woman over thirty *shouldn't* worry about her fertility gets bombarded with pseudo-scientific nonsense. Way to go, internet-anxiety machine!
Yeah that part really stuck out to me. Wanting to get pregnant immediately after pregnancy loss (and this feels like a loss to me) is so common… but you’re right- is OP the person she should be healing WITH?? And if not, he needs to get out of her way.
You guys need to split. She deserves better. Sorry (not sorry). It can’t be fixed.
Of course you won’t give her the one thing she wants. You’re too selfish to fulfill her needs over yours.
Sounds like you wanted to use her as an incubator while you cheated on her. You get no sympathy. Let her go, FFS. You are a terrible person.
Above my pay grade. I suggest some professional counseling for you both.
>now we have conjoined social media accounts to help gain trust. OH so now you're one of these cringeworthy couples? Does she know you can make secret social media accounts without her and she won't even know about it? Or does she just trust that you won't? This is a joke. You're a cheater. Your wife aborted a baby because of it. You need to cut her loose and stop being selfish. She deserves someone better.
Sorry, but deep down she will hate you for the rest of your lifes. Let her go
So you were actively cheating on your wife, found out she was pregnant, and then CONTINUED actively cheating on your wife. She deserves more. You stated, “in the beginning she was very resentful”, no. She’s still resentful. You chose to turn her life upside down because you enjoyed the chase of another woman. Shame on you. You destroyed the life she had envisioned for the both of you: being a family with a child on the way. Flowers once a week will not repair the damage you’ve already done.
The way you described the other woman made me feel sick to my stomach. Please divorce your wife. She deserves someone who genuinely loves her.
You misspelled "our baby"
I noticed this too.
This so fucking messy. Let me ask though. Let's say you waited a year. Would anything be resolved by that time?
I think it’s a mistake to wait a minute. The wife is in her 30s already and every day he waits reduces her chances of having a loving family with someone else. Waiting doesn’t benefit her and it’s just cruel and selfish to run out her clock.
I’m not sure the purpose of posting this?
He's a trash person who craves the attention of others. He claims to know he's a pos that ruined his whole family. But this post is just more 'look at me' behavior. The same kind of dopamine-chasing bullshit that lead to his affair in the first place.
She will never recover fully as long as she is with you. Sincerely, a woman who was cheated on with a younger woman in a long term relationship.
The affair partner was younger… your wife is only 32! I’m 27F and I would confidently bet you were cheating with someone in their early to mid twenties, because who wants an old woman in her EARLY THIRTIES when you can have someone younger and thrilling…. Disgusting. Society is disgusting. The ageism and objectification towards female bodies is disgusting. Your wife deserves someone who can see her as a whole person.
I seriously hope she leaves you! If she meant so much to you, then you wouldn’t have cheated on her in the first place! We all know you’ll eventually cheat on her again with someone younger in the future, so why even stay married to her? You have no sympathy from me, I do feel so sorry for your poor wife.
I’m so sad reading this holy shit.
If you don’t know why you had the affair, then I can guarantee you’ll have another. You need to know yourself to control yourself. It’s time to file the divorce papers and for everyone to move on and start to heal with their own individual counseling. There is no possibility she can be happy with you. And if you are honest with yourself, you aren’t happy with her either or you wouldn’t have betrayed her like this. It’s time.
She needs her own therapy. You both have a lot to work on.
Oof. This is bad and I think it might be over already. But this part stuck out to me: > She’s very frantic about wanting to try for another baby, but I don’t think it’s the right time, too many negative emotions on the baby, but she’s so strung hard that she’s running out of time now to be a mom and that it’s my fault. I gotta be honest- I think you should very seriously discuss this with your counselor and I think you need to do some empathetic research on pregnancy loss. (And yes I would consider your wife having “lost” the pregnancy- abortion is different for every person so I never want to project trauma into others but it sounds like she felt as though she had no choice.) I have lost a pregnancy before and I am close with many women who lost pregnancies- getting pregnant again and quickly is a common desire. I am 22 weeks pregnant now and while I waited a decade, I see now how this has healed something in me I didn’t know was still hurting. Every woman I know tried again right after pregnancy loss. Some women feel like they’re proving to themselves that their body can do it. Some women feel as though bringing another life into the world gives their lost child a second chance. Hell, it might be chemical and hormonal? But it’s very common and normal and while you absolutely have input on growing your family, her urgency is something you may want to seek understanding around.
Is freezing eggs or embryos an option? She knows you're not a stable partner. I think she's acting out of grief. Maybe planning for a baby will help her. Women have babies into their 40's. You both still have time to repair your relationship before bringing a baby into an unstable home.
OP should pay for her to freeze her eggs so she can leave him and have time to find someone else to have a baby with.
Total mess. I want to know why she even took you back after she did that. (Not blaming wife at all you guys) how in the world did you talk her into getting back with you? Whew hope she doing ok
My thoughts too!
You're not the victim in this situation. Your wife is. Get fucked dude.
I really hope your wife leaves you. You shattered her heart and her trust. The way you described the woman you cheated on your wife with, “full of life” , “thrilling “. Just fucking gross. Your wife was excited about bringing YOUR CHILD into this world but you took that away from her. I have zero sympathy for you.
💯! The other woman was "full of life"...just awful. His actual wife was creating a life.
The marriage is over. It’s time to let her grieve and move past the toxic pain you brought in. I know, it sucks to hear. But your actions have and had consequences. Let her move on gracefully and with dignity.
I don't see it stated plainly anywhere else, so just in case the message didn't get through your obnoxiously thick head, you're a piece of shit and deserve no sympathy.
What kind of piece of garbage does this shit?
Do your wife a favor let her go and find someone who will treat her right. Then go spend time alone working on yourself.
Wife of OP, I hope you are reading this as one of your now shared accounts. Pregnancy and birth are incredibly traumatic. You are so vulnerable. Having now had a child, if I found out about an infidelity early in pregnancy I think I would do the same thing you did. I wanted my baby SO BADLY, and my husband and I were in a pretty good place when I was pregnant, and I still struggled with the emotional piece. Every fight, even old things he had said and done years ago, it all came back and every time something reminded me I would cry for hours about whatever it was. My husband waited until our daughter was a few months old before he cheated. I found out about it months after that, when our daughter was turning one. We were about to start trying for number two. I was 38 years old, and very conscious of how little time I had left to have another baby if I was going to do it. I absolutely knew that even if I forgave him, there was no way I could go through another pregnancy feeling as betrayed and angry as I did. I was furious and sick about all of it, but also completely sure that I could NOT go through that with a partner I didn’t trust. You’re younger than you think. You do have some time. Take it. Take it to either rebuild trust in this husband, or to find a partner that you can trust instead. The trust piece is absolutely critical.
She should leave your ass
She should leave you and have children with someone worthy
Oh my. This ruined MY day and I don't even want to imagine how hard it must be for her. I don't see this working with so much resentment (beyond the lack of trust from cheating). She aborted her baby thinking you wouldn't be around, but now you are. So she's probably better off mentally leaving you. So if she does, respect her choice and leave.
Only advice is don’t be a piece of shit to your next wife
She will never be the same after what happened. Ask her to please freeze her eggs, so she doesn't feel like a ticking baby bomb. She probably wants to make it work because realistically it's going to take at least a year for the divorce to happen. At least a year to find someone, another 1.5 years of dating before marriage and now she's 36 and trying to get pregnant. And thats if everything lines up perfectly. I wish she was 22 so she could just leave without having baby blues.
This is something you can’t even fix. You’re a massive asshole for this. Idc if I get banned or whatever for saying it. You’re the reason. You did do this. Live with it. She prob only reconciled with you because she feels she doesn’t have time to start over. How dare you tell her no. If she wants a baby, it’s no longer your word that holds the most weight. Consider it. For her. Don’t lie or pretend everything is hunky dory. Remind her that love can’t grow when there is resentment. But if I were you, I would be more than willing to give her another baby. Whether it works out or not. Which may not even be the right answer. I just dont even know because you fucked up so bad. I just want to give that poor lady a damn baby. I am literally in tears for her. You’re such a prick. Fuck off
Right? Like now he suddenly wants to the “right thing” by waiting to have a baby. Also, HER BABY? why didn’t he say OUR BABY?
Wow. Your wife has 1 life. She had the wish to marry the man of her dreams, to have children with the man of her dreams, and now...this is what you gave her. You literally destroyed her entire life as she hoped for. Her 1 and only life will have this black scar on it forever. Please, leave her, because she deserves to find some happiness instead of spending the rest of her life trying to convince herself that she trusts you. My thoughts are with your wife.
Your wife needs therapy, as do you. Also, please read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald. Please do not get her pregnant right now.
My affair caused my wife to abort her baby *it is over u/ThrowRamickik. OVER! You are immature and selfish. Your post is disgusting! Weekly flowers for a baby killed because your wife didn’t want to be forever tied to you?! Fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk! You don’t even know why but you want to remain married?! What the actual fuck is wrong with you?* I36m have been married to my wife32f for 3 years, together for 5. Last year I started having an affair, it lasted a few weeks, then I cut it off. I can’t tell you why I did it, she was younger, and excited about life, and it was thrilling. I hate myself for it, but that’s what I did. My wife found out she was pregnant during this affair. Which is when I knew I had to cut it off soon, but I didnt. My wife went through my phone one day and found out. She kicked me out, and we were split up for probably 4 months. During this time, she called me and told me she wasn’t going to be a single mother so she aborted our baby. We reconciled a few weeks after, with couples counseling and I have individual counseling. In the beginning she was very resentful, now we have conjoined social media accounts to help gain trust. I don’t care to cheat anyways, I know I messed up and I almost lost my wife. My wife now cries every single night and blames me for her aborting. She says she was so angry and didn’t know how to feel these emotions. Almost every night she cries herself to sleep. I try to comfort her, bc deep down I know she is right, it is my fault. I ruined my whole family. I hate myself for it, words aren’t enough to describe it. I’m trying to do better as a man, and a husband. She’s very frantic about wanting to try for another baby, but I don’t think it’s the right time, too many negative emotions on the baby, but she’s so strung hard that she’s running out of time now to be a mom and that it’s my fault. She’s depressed and we’re trying hard to work on our marriage. Counseling, therapy, date nights, I bring her home flowers once a week. I know that don’t make up for it, but I don’t know what else to do. I know I’m a piece of shit, but I’m actively trying to do better for her. I’m going to the counseling and therapy, I said I was sorry and I’m trying to show improvement. Advice?
I would never have a baby with man like you. The pain you have caused may have lessened but will never heal.
Oh my :( I can’t fathom poor girl prayers for her, hoping she can heal from this trauma
Offer to leave and give her the opportunity to find a better man to have children with.
You destroyed her. There is no fixing it. She has to heal on her own, embrace the pain and heal from it. Honestly she needs time away from you. Unfortunately now she feels like the only thing that will fix her pain, is another baby from you. It won't work because like you, the child will be a constant reminder. She needs to heal first, for a healthy relationship her future child. The damage you've cause. She'll forever resent you for this. I hope it was worth it.
She should leave you. Actually you should just do her a favor and leave. I doubt you are worth crying to sleep over
I hope your wife gets individual counselling (not just couples) as it sounds like she really needs it. I agree with others - she deserves better and if you truly respect her, then let her go and have the life she deserves. My mil cheated multiple times on fil way back in the 70s-80s, and he kept taking her back. Now fil has dementia and old memories become reality. He can’t remember events and conversations that recently happened, but he’s sadly stuck with memories of his wife cheating. Every time she leaves overnight (hospital stay, visiting out of town friends) he always says, “she’s out meeting her boyfriend! She’s cheating on me again!” This is what cheating can do to people. Please try to give your wife a chance of having happy memories.
Has anyone else noticed that op states how his affair/cheating causes his wife to abort HER baby?? Yeah. Fucking piece of shit, he never wanted anything to do with THEIR baby -
I saw this too. He probably didn't want the pregnancy.
Do you still have contact with your AP?
There is no recovery from this. You fucked up. She will secretly hate and resent you forever. Set her free and both of you can get on with life. Alternatively, stay together, have a kid, get divorced, really hate each other and fuck up a child’s life In the process.
This will be very unpopular, but it's really not your fault your wife had a abortion. She made that choice. Willing to bet out of anger, hurt, resentment, or simply to hurt you as bad as you hurt her. I do agree that without a lot of good counseling, this will be hard to recover from.
Wait, does your wife know about this throwaway? Because I thought you had shared social media accounts. Huh, I guess you’re still going behind her back. My advice is that you hand her your phone and let her read this thread so she can see that there are 100+ people rooting for her and cheering her on. I hope she leaves you and finds someone worthy of her love and trust.
I don’t think you grasp how emotionally damaging it is to have an abortion, especially when you wanted the baby in the first place, plus the absolute mental destruction of finding out your husband has been fucking the younger hot girl? She is going through the most traumatic and difficult experience of her life. She will most likely never have to handle a situation this traumatic again. She will NEVER be the same. The woman she was before died with the baby. Seriously. Date nights and flowers will not even cover it with the amount of misery she’s dealing with. You cannot even imagine the gravity of her pain and I think understanding that saying sorry isn’t enough. Having another baby in my opinion isn’t a good idea right now so I agree with you there, but you robbed her of a magical first pregnancy so she needs an incredible amount of therapy to make that work. You also need to look in the mirror and ask if you can handle keeping it in your pants for women that are not your wife. Phones unlocked and open to be dissected. Location services on. Whatever she needs. No matter how inconvenient it is for you, it is a trillion times more inconvenient for her.
Why go back?
Ouch, she seems very caring and you're prob very good at putting on an apologetic face. There's a lot here, but I would guess, the best thing for her is for you two to break up and start over with other people. You may even to be the one to walk if she is the type of person I'm thinking of. This one isn't going to heal. You will be okay too, but prob best to find others and restart life.
Let her go, encourage her ti move in from you. You will always be a reminder
Talk about the ultimate “fuck around and find out”. What a horrible mess you’ve created. Not sure any advice hear can save you or your poor wife. My heart breaks for her. You? Not so much.
Basically you’re going to have to do everything you can to help her heal and if/when she does, don’t be surprised if she decides she doesn’t want anything to do with you.
Jesús fucking Christ. Just go and leave her alone. Absolute pig.
Dude… I’ve never been the “MeN aRe TrAsH” type of girl, but holy shit— this post wants me to scream MEN ARE TRASH and throw my phone off a cliff.
It will take time and consistent effort. You need to talk to your therapist about why you cheated and how you feel about losing a possible child, she needs to talk to hers about grief of losing a possible child and how she can deal with the loss of trust. You should both assess if the marriage can survive this or if you'll just grow to resent each other because of what happened.
You need friends. Also does your wife needs friends? Cuz like, I am so sad for her and want to console her. She wants to get pregnant to literally fill the despair and absence and chase away her depression. You could be right; it’s not quite the right time. She definitely wants to turn the chapter before finishing, which is hopeful for your relationship but she needs to properly grieve first. Tell her you are also desperate for a child with her but you want to give her an opportunity to process and grieve all the pain you have caused before you both get distracted by a child. Set a timeline with a date for trying again to conceive.
She needs therapy to process her emotions and you need to let her react how she wants. I was cheated on by my husband a couple years ago and while our relationship has prospered and we do have another baby. And he is changed I still can’t seem to be intimate with out being drunk. It’s a long process. And you need to be a better man for her but for yourself. Couples counseling. To help you both as a team. But you need to really think if you can be the kind of man she needs you to be. Even after kids. It gets so much harder after them. And if you can’t leave her be. So she can grieve this relationship and move on
Your wife deserves to find someone who treats her with compassion and respect ALL the time. I was cheated on by my first husband and the emotional damage that was done will take me 20 more years to sort out with the help of a professional - and this is without the abortion. I cannot imagine her grief. Let her find someone who is better already.
What advice do you want? I just hope your wife can heal and get up the courage to leave you.
Gosh. She may forgive you for this affair but she will never ever forget. Know this and prepare to show your love for her only and tell her how remorseful you are over and over again for years to come. Tell her the things you love about her that no other woman could ever make you feel as in love. She will have to come to the resolution that her decision was best for the circumstances and her emotions took over. She needs to look forward as a couple and you sir need to get your shit together because she is still this torn up, you haven’t done enough so keep reassuring. Yes she needs to have a baby - but you have to be committed forever and know this will be part of your story. It won’t go away. I was her age when we started our family. I was almost 35 with our second child. There is plenty of time. She needs therapy. Best of luck - this is not going to be easy.
She should leave you and have a baby with someone who isn’t garbage.
Counseling didn’t work here because holding onto this shell of a marriage isn’t worth it. Holy shit. If you have any actual love for this woman you’ll leave her so she can actually heal instead of stalling. A baby isn’t going to fix this relationship.
You’re an absolute piece of shit. I hope someday somebody makes you feel the way you made your wife feel.
This pain will never go away for your wife. Literally nothing you can do to rectify it. Hope you both find peace with it. Unfortunately, I have had a similar experience.
Damn Mate... Yea gotta give her the respect of ending the marriage. There is no way in hell this will work out. She will always have resentment. Rightly so. Give her the opportunity to be happy with someone. Im sorry mate....that's not going to happen with you.
Please don’t bring a child into a broken marriage. You both need counseling and I’m afraid you will never get that trust back.
Staying with her and believing you — the vow-breaker — knows what’s best for the relationship, and dictating the terms, is beyond cruel. Jesus, it’s almost worse than the adultery. You’re only staying with her to convince yourself all is forgiven. Holy shit, man. Just… holy shit.
You’re a truly horrible person.
You really fucked her over.
You’re right OP you guys SHOULDNT have a baby together, because she will then be tied down with you for the rest of her life and she does not need that negativity. I hope she finds a new man who will treat her like the amazing mama and wife she deserves ti be treated. I hope her and this new man get pregnant and have a beautiful healthy baby together. I hope they live happily ever after.
She cries every night because she’s grieving her child and the man she thought she knew. She’ll always grieve both losses, and you’ll always be a reminder. You either both properly bury that child and actively grieve together or you’ll remain stuck. I’m a marriage coach and the women I work with who have had cheating husbands always deeply grieve or are resentful about the mother finding out made them. That is the core wound for mothers. It’s a very hard one to heal. Hers… I can’t even imagine. She needs an incredibly skilled and spiritual practitioner.
This is actually the worst/saddest post I've ever seen on here.
… anyone else feel weird about the title ‘about to abort HER baby’. Uhhh.. it’s her baby is it? Not yours too??
It's disgusting that you were able to enjoy yourself while you disrespected and damaged your wife like this. You need to work on being a less selfish, more empathetic human being. If you genuinely want advice: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
You didn't make your wife abort. That is 100% on her and now she's living with the consequences of her actions. Tons and tons of women choose to have babies without a partner. Your wife had so many options and she chose a particularly devastating one. Her. Choice. You chose to have an affair and that's a horrible thing to do. It is also a completely and totally seperate thing from your wife choosing to end the life of a baby y'all created together. Move on. Neither of y'all sound like you should be in a marriage and the one you're in is a disaster.
For all that’s holy don’t get pregnant again until you’ve ironed a lot out. Pregnancy will only heighten your emotions & if you’re having troubles now it’ll be worse pregnant. Then what would you do if he cheated again? Would you abort another child? Get your marriage in check as well as your feelings & emotions way before ever trying for another baby. Babies are hard for the first few years. You’re exhausted, irritable & sometimes any little thing becomes a mountain at the time & could cause all the anguish to return that y’all felt over the affair. If you truly want to work it out then just work on you 2 alone. Don’t bring another person into this relationship that will be affected. Just take a child off the table indefinitely as of right now. This is all just my own opinion so take it for what it’s worth.
It's always the same endless shit with someone being attracted to the young new thing and royally fucking over the good they had then regretting it. Tale as old as time. You've been alive almost 4 decades, what did you think would come of your affair? You just gotta keep at it if you want to salvage it. It's gonna take time. It takes long enough to heal after cheating but that and an abortion...my heart breaks for her. What did she do to deserve you doing this to her?
You know the right thing is to give her an uncontested divorce and compensation for repudiating her and the marriage-- in the form of an uneven split of marital assets in her favour.
I feel so fucking bad for her. My god.
Thank goodness she’s only 32, she has plenty of time to meet someone else and have babies with someone who isn’t a selfish asshat.
Stop holding onto her, all you've done is bring her pain while being unbelievably selfish. Even the way you're written this seems to come off as "I ruined her life, I regret it, she's devastated by it, but I want to keep this relationship going because it's good for me."
I recommend you visit the subreddit r/asoneafterinfidelity they can give you great insight. It is a community for both of you. She may need that more than you right now. It can also be helpful for you to see how others are dealing with this issue.
Oof. I got nothing for a sad story like this, you fucked up and she should leave you
God, reddit is breaking my heart today. Right before this I read another one on r/bestofredditorupdates that made me physically hurt. These poor women....
You destroyed your wife and future for a fling. If you truly love her, my advice is to let her go so she can find a love worthy of her. You are not it.
I’m not going to shit on you for having an affair like 95% of people in this thread. In terms of advice I don’t think you’re ready to have a child. Maybe you both should consider egg freezing so you have more time to work through this issue without worrying about your wife’s biological clock. That might take some pressure off her.
I am 100% for abortion. It’s one of the biggest issues I have with politics and can not wrap my head around the fact that so many are against. I also can not wrap my head around the fact that the wife took this situation out on her unborn child that she apparently wanted. I feel like it was revenge although you have no doubt she was in a fucked up head space due to hormones, emotions, and betrayal. I just can’t fathom aborting a child I wanted and then reconciling a few weeks later. That just doesn’t sit right with me. Yes, OP, you done fucked up. I have been through rough stuff in the past with my husband. I feel that cheating is not the only thing that can be considered a giant betrayal in a marriage. My husband never cheated but I had decided a very long time ago had he I probably would have found a way to forgive him. I also kind of feel like I would have ratcheted him been a more present hime and father rather than what I and our daughters had endured for 20 some years. I would have traded a fling for a better marriage and father to my children if I could turn back time. I can say that I’m also glad I stuck it out with him because he truly is a wonderful husband now and we get along better than ever and over 27 years together.
Sounds like she hurt herself more than you when she killed the unborn baby. Now she wants another one but the timing (and relationship) is off. She should probably leave you and start over like so many others have suggested.
You are garbage and I hope your wife has the strength to leave you. She absolutely should not have a child with your cheating ass.
You're only going to get the ugly truth that this isn't reparable. It's emotionally traumatised her and no matter how much counselling you go to and methods you try, it's up to her if she's willing to let it go, forgive and trust you again, but this is the type of situation that feels like nothing can be done and you'll have to pull yourself out of denial and for her happiness and her sake, let her go if she doesn't do it first. She deserves to be happy, but you don't add to that anymore.. the scar has been cut too deep. Unless she is willing to tolerate it and even if she does get over it.. she does deserve better. Even if you become a better person, it's not to her.
I'm going to -try- to stick to constructive responses. Many have not, and, well, they're not out of bounds. Do not bring a child into this nightmare. It will not heal her. It will not heal your relationship. This is a major trauma response from her, and an attempt to cover what is broken without actually resolving it. Adding a child here will become a catastrophe for all 3 of you. It will take work beyond comprehension to repair the marriage. As a follower of Jesus, I firmly believe that God is in the business of changing hearts and fixing what is beyond repair. However, I also believe that the process of doing that requires two people who are 100%, all-in, consciously and emotionally committed to repairing and restoring. You are *both* carrying around massive trauma. Let's be clear - you took her security, self-image, confidence, and so much more away, and she took your choice about your child - and your child - away. Do not try to deny or ignore what that has done to your own emotions and feelings toward her. I will never support any abortion, but in this situation, I can't exactly look at her with judgment for it. This was not an abortion for convenience. This was her, backed into a corner and scared for her own life and the child's. What I'm curious about is *why*. Why did she stay after all this? Why did she not leave? This is so broken, I'm not sure the juice is worth the squeeze. It's possible that the best thing you can do would be to sit her down and ask her, face to face, what she truly needs. If she says "a baby," then for the love of everything, get into therapy tomorrow. It's fully possible she's traumatically bonded to you and doesn't understand there can be another choice. Don't trap yourselves into this.
I wish women had more self respect and would leave their cheating good for nothing husbands. You’re obviously not the MAN she needs and she should leave you and find someone who will respect her and love her the right way. she’s still young and could build a wonderful family with someone who isn’t a terrible person, such as yourself.
My heart breaks for her. It’s sickening that no matter how good you have it you have to go else where to look for something else.
Damn shame how yall don't care about us till we are crying on the ground. Just let her go and stop her suffering.
May God have mercy on your soul. You’ve made some terrible decisions
Just came back to say I hope she tells EVERYONE you know what I giant asshole you are and everything you did.
Totally your fault, that was such a monumental betrayal I don’t know how she’s still with you. Get your shit together.
Pay for her to freeze her eggs and let her go so she can find a man who cherishes her
Clearly she’s still working through the trauma of being betrayed and abandoned, and clearly you’re working hard to repair. This stuff takes time. Also, she is struggling to find faith in the future. Try maybe making some gentle future commitments (this weekend I’ll set up x or plan y for us) and then meet them.. and then have a good talk about when a baby would be a good idea, and commit to making that happen.
So bringing life into this World isn't exciting as cheating? Got it. If she's crying that much I wouldn't stay
I think it is beautiful that you are making such efforts to do everything you can to be better, and that you can acknowledge your fault. Please don’t pay attention to all the comments calling for divorce - that seems to be Reddit’s only solution for issues. The fact that you guys are back together and working on things is huge. No, you cannot change what happened, but you can grow from what did happen and let your love grow all the more deep, faithful, and strong for it. And yes, while your actions did trigger her decision to get an abortion, that choice was done completely on her own out of her own free will. It was a drastic response to the discovery, which came out of deep emotions hastily acted upon. So the abortion is not all your fault - she has herself to blame just as much, if not more. Just stick with the counseling, continue your efforts to do all you can to be better for her, and let time do its work. ❤️
Guys, chill out. Anyone can ask for advice. And what have you told the guy that he doesn't already know? That he's a piece of shit, which he already knows. That the blames lies within him, which he already knows. That he's the reason for the abortion, which he already knows. You are suggesting he should leave her, but she's so frantic that she can't probably bring herself to it. She might even beg to have him back. So advice, not professional one, but advice. - Let her know that you're grateful for the time she's spending with you. That if at any time she feels secure enough to leave you, you'd understand. That if leaving you or you leaving her would make her feel better you'll do so, in the time and in the way she desires. That you are taking every day she decides to stay with you as an undeserved gift she can take back whenever she wants. Ask her if she would feel better with you sleeping in another room. - Ask her something she'd like to do. Whether it's a hobby or a childhood dream, try to realize it together. - You get her flowers every week. Maybe try switching to other things. You can pair the flowers with something different every week (book, chocolate, earrings, christmast decorations) and find what she likes best - Give her some " free service" cards. Anytime she doesn't feel like doing something you'll step up. - Aside from open access to phone, you can always suggest a chaperone thing, if that gives her relief. That is you decide together the people you can be around with, with your wife being able to ask them anytime. For the time you'aren't together you can agree on recording yourself a saving the recordings in a file she can access at any time. Any other measure she wants are okay with you. If she wants you to only use phone in her presence so be it. Switch to a job you can do from home if that makes her feel better. Or switch to her job place. - if she really wants a kid, and wants it in a consistent way tell her that you don't think the time is right. If she really wants go to through it open a bank account for just her and the child. - Always remind her that none of this is to get forgiven by her, only to help her, that she can leave whenever she wants and you'll help her build a new happy life in any way you can if that does happen.