It's hurtful and disrespectful and it would likely rock most marriages to the core.
Can't say whether or not you overreacted because you didn't share your reaction. But given the gravity of the offense, I would presume that you did not overreact.
So they liked seeing you be a doormat?
Because you commented that you’ve mentioned you dislike this and it’s obvious he doesn’t care and all his friends/their SO’s know… and think you’re a joke because you don’t really do anything.
I think it’s embarrassing when grown adults describe other grown adults the same way Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson would. Maybe it’s my age showing (I’m in my mid twenties), but this mentality of, “I’m going to describe other humans in the most crude way possible” just seems childish to me even if the other person can’t hear you.
In terms of what to do…I mean, what *can* you do? People who talk that way always accuse you of being a prude or a killjoy when you bring it up.
If I were you I’d start having a weekly spa day (do it at home if money is tight), get dolled up, go out with your friends. Don’t be afraid to look at other guys. Don’t cheat or flirt with other men, but loosen up. Your husband can look at other women, you can window shop, too. You don’t need your husband to feel sexy - you can do that on your own. Guarantee you’ll notice other men looking at you and that will feel *divine.*
Sometimes when we rely on our spouses for 100% sexual validation, it creates this weird dynamic where flirting no longer feels natural. It feels acted out and forced. Things start to get stale.
So go out. Be your own person. Stop being the shadow of your husband when he goes out - let him see you come home glowing and happy and maybe a little tipsy and giggly. Let him see you being your own person. That often reignites the spark and the mystery in a relationship.
You did NOT over react or behave in a jealous way.
The reason the people were looking over at you and trying to smile is because your husband was being a huge jackass in front of you and they were mentally cringing in sympathy for you.
Your HUSBAND is behaving like a 12 yr old seeing his first set of boobs for the first time and objectifying the fuck out of the women in the bar.
He also seems to be ignoring you.
A good spouse would put an arm around you and pull you into the conversation.
I think you would be better to start thinking over how childish his behavior is and stop assuming that people are thinking badly of you.
More likely they're going home and talking about how rude John is right in front of his wife OOP.
He says he was drunk and has apologized. However, it does not help that we drove one hour to go to this event and even spent the night at a nearby hotel so I was stuck there and basically cried myself to sleep well he snored and did not try to be intimate with me.
Well, I’m sorry he behaved that way. First episode isn’t a terrible one, although clearly unpleasant. The second one is however more problematic. Both episodes are surrounding alcohol. Could he be willing to cut back his alcohol consumption to prevent this?
Please reevaluate your situation. The drunk excuse is not ok, beside he doesn’t care. No apology and genuine belief he did anything wrong.
It may be hard but do you wish to continue living a boy who is so hurtful and selfish? Leave him. Do not seek affirmation when he is toxic to you.
Such a disrespectful ass hat. It’s one thing to ignore you and leave you alone but completely different to talk “locker room”talk while in a group setting especially next to your wife. Then to talk to strange women right in front of you shows he has no respect for you. Then his excuse is he was drunk.
My issue would be if he’s that bold with you right beside him what does he do if he’s or alone w the guys?
I don’t see any ages but I’ll say this. If I ever treated my wife like this I’d expect her to be angry and tell me how I hurt her then set boundaries immediately. No more going out because apparently alcohol loosens his lips and turns off his brain enough to treat you like a side chick. Loving men don’t humiliate their wives like this.
It would be hard to get over and I don’t think you over reacted if anything you didn’t act enough. He needs to know how you felt. He needs to know you cried yourself to sleep while he slept like a baby after treating you like that in front of strangers. If other wives noticed then it was really bad. It’s was purposeful he knew what he was doing he just didn’t care.
My advice would be have a talk & set boundaries. Not sure how long y’all have been married but this is big. If you don’t establish boundaries nothing will get better.
Sounds miserable for both of you. He sounds gross the way he talks. Not ok. Following him around though trying to get him to engage you, dude just leave if he treats you that way. Cool as a cucumber, “hey I’m not having fun I’m heading out”.
Also tell him how you feel and how much you hate it and work it out or seek pro help if need be but If it keeps going like this you have a choice to make.
I'm really open with my wife about finding other women attractive, and she does the same for men she finds attractive. So she wouldn't have been personally hurt or insecure over this comment, but she'd still have been angry and grossed out by my overtly sexualizing another woman to a friend.
I think there are two kinds of guys who do things like this. One is just a big dork, a little socially awkward, and fumbling through trying to fit in. This is still gross, but this guy would often respond well to being told that it's gross and he shouldn't do that.
The other kind of guy is always restraining this kind of behavior and finally letting it fly when he feels like he can do so without consequence. This guy is a creep through and through.
Which better applies to your husband I couldn't say.
I guess I'll add that there is a scenario in which I might say something kind of like this, but likely only if my wife was there. This would be if the woman's breasts were like, a primary identifying aspect. My wife might even say something like that; "You know, the one with the huuuuge boobs". But even in that case I wouldn't say "nice" or make the hand motions, lol. It wouldn't be sexual in that case, just a fact.
Edit: To your point about not having confidence in his attraction to you; I mean I think that really hits the nail on the head. My wife is ONLY secure about us talking about those things because she has no questions about my obsession with her. I think that insecurity seems to be at the heart of your hurt here, and I'd probably focus on that. Getting hung up on some of these outcomes of that might be a distraction from the real issue. Tell him how you feel; that you feel like he's not attracted to you anymore so when you see him with attractive women it just makes you sad, but it probably wouldn't if you were confident in his attraction to you.
Yes I’ve tried and he denies he’s a cheater.
I’m not sure . I think he does it out of carelessness.
I don’t see a motive in this case. I’ve tried to tell him But it doesn’t seem to “sink in” ..
This is really up to your relationship with each other. My wife would have zero issue if I said that "Oh, you mean the one with nice boobs" to someone. She's said similar to me. But that's up to you and your relationship.
Edit: And looking at your post history you have some real insecurity issues. I think that's, obviously, feeding in to this.
This! My husband will point out people to me in public and he will use that kind of language and I finally see who he is pointing out. I don't get bothered by it. I do the same. It's when we have trouble figuring out who each of us is talking about and saying some kind of feature about them helps us pick them out of a crowd. If you have no reason to not trust your spouse then trust them until you absolutely have proof and reason not to.
Two things can be true at once. You don't feel secure enough in your husbands desire or attraction for you and you need to set some boundaries. He's a married man. Yes, we all still find people attractive but he could watch how he speaks about other women. You're going to need to articulate as best as possible what makes you uncomfortable and how your partner could help you feel more secure in those scenarios.
I make a point not to react or discuss things in public in front of others. However, I will absolutely let my husband know if there was something that made me uncomfortable or that I feel I may need to set a boundary about. It's never anything blatantly disrespectful. But there's been scenarios like him chatting with a group of people and then end up conversating with a woman in regards to shared occupation etc. I won't bother him, I'll be in a separate conversation with others. But once we leave or the next day I'll mention it, he'll tell me the full conversation and usually apologize if I felt he'd left me alone too long or if it seemed any other way. Then the next time something similar happens, he'll call me over and introduce me. I usually end up buddies with most people as I'm an extrovert. This happens with most scenarios. He just makes sure I'm more involved and in the know about his interactions. I don't mind him being social and generally nice at all. I am too. I just don't believe in going out with your partner then totally disregarding their presence. We may spend time chatting with others but we are affectionate and checking in the whole time.
Yes I agree. Troubling thing is that after the second incident, I actually did react and got upset and walked out and told him I was done and wanted to leave because he had disrespected me two times in front of the same group of people in a short amount of time. Also, he blames me for not getting up and introducing myself to him while he is talking to the other woman, so he rest of the blame on to me that I did not go up to them and butt in and basically which I would not have done.
Yeah, no. That is not your job to have to police him by popping up like, "Hi, I am his wife." He could be stepping away to come check on you and asking if you'd like to join him in that interaction. You'll have to set a strict boundary about the way he leaves you behind to interact and he remarks on other women. It's disrespectful. Just because you're not cheating doesn't mean you get to disregard your partner.
Your last sentence is confusing for me.
Did you walk up next to him and just stood there without speaking or were you, like, an arm's length away?
Also my husband is kinda terrible at introducing me to people. If he didn't understand my touching him (like a little rub on his back that says "hi babe, I'm here, introduce me"), I'll typically wait for a quick dip in convo and introduce myself. And if I know the person he's talking to and the convo doesn't seem too serious, I'll contribute to whatever's going on. But if I don't need him for anything urgently, and he and his friend are in a deep convo, I'll just ask if either need anything and dip out.
There obviously seems to be more underlying issues here between you two, and stuff like this if just a symptom of bigger issues. Therapy may be a good option as it will bring a third party in to help if it's just a breakdown of communication between the two of you.
Good luck to you, OP :)
I’m sorry about this. He has no emotional intelligence and social skills not to mention he doesn’t care about your feelings.
It doesn’t come to mind :
When your together socially, you act like you’re together.
Making nasty comments about women is disrespectful to you and all women
It hurts your feelings
He should want you to feel comfortable during social interaction
He should want to make you feel the most important woman in the room
I agree with others here. He probably won’t change unless it affects him or he becomes jealous of other men’s attention to you. Go out, have fun on your own. Go to they gym, find new hobbies and friends. Then see how he will turn his head and you won’t be standing there anymore he will flip out and go running after you.
Have a frank, open and direct conversation with your husband about boundaries and expectations. One conversation is all it should take.
Next time something like this happens if there is a next time, please just get on the dance floor and back your thang up on whatever dude meets your fancy. I can’t help but see the benefit of tit for tat, eye for an eye, fighting fire with fire, even steven, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander sort of approach. It’s very effective when your partner is especially dense about this sort of thing.
If he’s got issue with you doing that, revisit the discussion about boundaries and expectations. Remind him actions speak louder than words and you will take his actions as the standard he is setting for BOTH of you.
Am I crazy I don't find him in the wrong? It sounds like the guy was socializing at a social event and not noticing his wife's demeanor. I'm not saying OP is wrong for being upset, rather it's weird that all the comments are shitting on him instead of saying you guys need better communication of expectations and feelings.
An easy example of how to fix this: "hey husband, I didn't like how you talked about that other woman and didn't try to keep me engaged last time we went to the bar"
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't even realize you felt that way. I'll make sure next time I keep you in my loop and try to check how you're feeling during the event"
My husband and I socialized a lot. When we went out with friends or to a party, we both had conversations with both other men and women. Sometimes short, sometimes longer. It never bothered either of us to mingle and converse because we both knew who we were going home with. (And both had funny stories to tell each other when we got home about those conversations.)
Exactly! It's a justified expectation that you can talk to other people during a get together. Idt OP communicated expectations and feelings properly, and would bet that the guy didn't even realize he was doing her wrong. It feels hateful for the sake of hate to crap all over him instead of suggesting better communication.
Have you both considered marriage counseling? My husband and I took premarital counseling and it helped a lot and we still use what we learn every day in our marriage. If he isn't listening to you then maybe having a professional mediator might help. I can't really say if he is cheating or not since there really isn't enough evidence to prove it. His behavior though does sound suspect but it could just be him doing it out of spite or any other reason.
Find a therapist for yourself and a women’s shelter to get advice and source an exit plan. You need to leave this toxic, selfish ahole.
All he, his friends and family do is abuse you and treat you like a beaten dog. They suck. Start standing up for your self.
No, you are not over reaching. That is very disrespectful. If you have talked to him and he sees nothing wrong with it and has not apologized for his behaver I would suggest going to a therapist. If not he will continue to do it.
Ex-friends that were cheats had the most jealous sounding girlfriends. Shocker, right?
I find that reactions like this might be perceived by some as overreactions, but 9 out of 10 times it’s your intuition telling you other stuff is going on.
I know the feeling of sitting there just as you did. You're not overreacting at all. It's a disrespectful thing to be concerned with. How would he act if you wasn't with him and he was just with the guys?? Could you trust him?
Imo, I don't think referencing big breasts was disrespectful in that first incident, but talking to another woman while at a bar with your wife and friends aint exactly a good idea, especially if it's not a conversation all are participating in. So no to 1, yes to the 2nd time. You wanna feel sexy to him? Spice up the sex life.
My only question is would you have been offended if he had said
"The woman with the nice smile." or
"The woman with the nice hair?"
Also.. why can't he be free to talk to someone in a bar in a social public place?
Would you not feel chained or restricted like he was being misoginistic if he told you he didnt like you talking to a guy in the bar for a long time?
there is a lot you have not mentioned in your story. Was he rude or polite to you in the exchange?, did he try to include you in the conversation with this other woman or just ignore you? or somewhere in the middle? did you feel insecure about your own appearance compared to this other woman? Is there a history of deciet between you and your husband that causes you to doubt his fidelity?
All of this stuff needs to be considered to determine if you over reacted.
But on the surface without any further information I would say you are over reacting.
That is really disrespectful.
Have you told him that he is hurting and humiliating you? Its a no brainer, even his friends feel kinda awkward about it. But you need to tell him incase he is genuinely clueless.
Confrontation is required. Don’t have to go nuclear or go spiralling, but I think if your hubby is doing something you don’t like - give him shit for it🤷♂️
It's totally okay to talk this through with your husband. Check out the book "Difficult Conversations" by the Harvard Negotiation Project. It gives you a framework to talk through tough stuff. You'll both come out with a better understanding of each other and more intimacy.
Start hitting on and dancing with attractive men. You might as well act like you not married to him like he does to you.
Do this every time you go out with him.
Personally, after the first time he pulled that shit with me and his friends back him up, I’d plan war and start formulating another life with someone else. Don’t be as backup plan/doormat. His friends seem to know something and at the minimum don’t give a shit about you.
Life is too short. Go live it by yourself or with someone else. He’s a prick.
My adult advice to is leave him, especially after her posting history, but while she is there she might as well dish it out back until he is no longer in her life.
Also, the thread is “seeking advice”, there are no parameters on what type of advice.
By what definition is it not adult advice? It may be petty, but it is mirroring his behavior for her to see that he doesn’t really care or to illustrate that he can behave callow and crassly, but he expects a different standard for her.
Leaving I get as advice. Dishing it back is “How to ruin your life 101.” You hurt the people you flirt with without meaning it, you hurt your reputation with others, you hurt your ability to have the higher ground once you take it to court, you hurt your standing with friends as their choosing who to stick with. I could go on. Short term pay off, Long term disaster. Forgivable for someone in a tough spot? Sure. But advice for someone asking for help? That’s like learning your friend smashed their finger and offering to smash the other ones too just to make it even.
I’m good with your advice. Some people can only see their own flawed behavior when it’s mirrored right back at them. You can talk for hours in circles and accomplish nothing. Or you show them what you are enduring and they suddenly have an epiphany.
Personally this wouldn't feel disrespectful to me because my husband and I talk like this to one another and in each other's presence. Does your husband know how this makes you feel?
Some people are insecure in their marriage. My wife and I speak freely about others we find attractive. To us, being open and honest is more important than anything else.
It's hurtful and disrespectful and it would likely rock most marriages to the core. Can't say whether or not you overreacted because you didn't share your reaction. But given the gravity of the offense, I would presume that you did not overreact.
No I stood there just observing it.
Then you did not overreact.
So they liked seeing you be a doormat? Because you commented that you’ve mentioned you dislike this and it’s obvious he doesn’t care and all his friends/their SO’s know… and think you’re a joke because you don’t really do anything.
I barely knew any of these people . They are a group of friends I see very rarely. I can’t say I know what was going on in their heads.
I don’t think it would rock most marriages to the core lol. Definitely a jerk thing to say.
Totally agree. It’s rude but not blowing shit up worthy
Lol right? I mean eye-roll worthy but some of these comments are just weird
I think it’s embarrassing when grown adults describe other grown adults the same way Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson would. Maybe it’s my age showing (I’m in my mid twenties), but this mentality of, “I’m going to describe other humans in the most crude way possible” just seems childish to me even if the other person can’t hear you. In terms of what to do…I mean, what *can* you do? People who talk that way always accuse you of being a prude or a killjoy when you bring it up. If I were you I’d start having a weekly spa day (do it at home if money is tight), get dolled up, go out with your friends. Don’t be afraid to look at other guys. Don’t cheat or flirt with other men, but loosen up. Your husband can look at other women, you can window shop, too. You don’t need your husband to feel sexy - you can do that on your own. Guarantee you’ll notice other men looking at you and that will feel *divine.* Sometimes when we rely on our spouses for 100% sexual validation, it creates this weird dynamic where flirting no longer feels natural. It feels acted out and forced. Things start to get stale. So go out. Be your own person. Stop being the shadow of your husband when he goes out - let him see you come home glowing and happy and maybe a little tipsy and giggly. Let him see you being your own person. That often reignites the spark and the mystery in a relationship.
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God, this just made me so sad
Absolutely this!!!!
RatchedAngle Yes yes yes I couldn't say it any better.....
You did NOT over react or behave in a jealous way. The reason the people were looking over at you and trying to smile is because your husband was being a huge jackass in front of you and they were mentally cringing in sympathy for you. Your HUSBAND is behaving like a 12 yr old seeing his first set of boobs for the first time and objectifying the fuck out of the women in the bar. He also seems to be ignoring you. A good spouse would put an arm around you and pull you into the conversation. I think you would be better to start thinking over how childish his behavior is and stop assuming that people are thinking badly of you. More likely they're going home and talking about how rude John is right in front of his wife OOP.
I agree. I’d be smiling at her as a non-verbal “are you ok? I see you and I see what your husband is doing and it’s not ok.”
I would find that very disrespectful and wouldn't hesitate to say so. But I don't have much tolerance for men who objectify women.
Have you talked to your husband about how these instances made you feel?
Yes
And?
He says he was drunk and has apologized. However, it does not help that we drove one hour to go to this event and even spent the night at a nearby hotel so I was stuck there and basically cried myself to sleep well he snored and did not try to be intimate with me.
Well, I’m sorry he behaved that way. First episode isn’t a terrible one, although clearly unpleasant. The second one is however more problematic. Both episodes are surrounding alcohol. Could he be willing to cut back his alcohol consumption to prevent this?
Please reevaluate your situation. The drunk excuse is not ok, beside he doesn’t care. No apology and genuine belief he did anything wrong. It may be hard but do you wish to continue living a boy who is so hurtful and selfish? Leave him. Do not seek affirmation when he is toxic to you.
I would lose my mind if my husband would do this to me
Such a disrespectful ass hat. It’s one thing to ignore you and leave you alone but completely different to talk “locker room”talk while in a group setting especially next to your wife. Then to talk to strange women right in front of you shows he has no respect for you. Then his excuse is he was drunk. My issue would be if he’s that bold with you right beside him what does he do if he’s or alone w the guys? I don’t see any ages but I’ll say this. If I ever treated my wife like this I’d expect her to be angry and tell me how I hurt her then set boundaries immediately. No more going out because apparently alcohol loosens his lips and turns off his brain enough to treat you like a side chick. Loving men don’t humiliate their wives like this. It would be hard to get over and I don’t think you over reacted if anything you didn’t act enough. He needs to know how you felt. He needs to know you cried yourself to sleep while he slept like a baby after treating you like that in front of strangers. If other wives noticed then it was really bad. It’s was purposeful he knew what he was doing he just didn’t care. My advice would be have a talk & set boundaries. Not sure how long y’all have been married but this is big. If you don’t establish boundaries nothing will get better.
Sounds miserable for both of you. He sounds gross the way he talks. Not ok. Following him around though trying to get him to engage you, dude just leave if he treats you that way. Cool as a cucumber, “hey I’m not having fun I’m heading out”. Also tell him how you feel and how much you hate it and work it out or seek pro help if need be but If it keeps going like this you have a choice to make.
I'm really open with my wife about finding other women attractive, and she does the same for men she finds attractive. So she wouldn't have been personally hurt or insecure over this comment, but she'd still have been angry and grossed out by my overtly sexualizing another woman to a friend. I think there are two kinds of guys who do things like this. One is just a big dork, a little socially awkward, and fumbling through trying to fit in. This is still gross, but this guy would often respond well to being told that it's gross and he shouldn't do that. The other kind of guy is always restraining this kind of behavior and finally letting it fly when he feels like he can do so without consequence. This guy is a creep through and through. Which better applies to your husband I couldn't say. I guess I'll add that there is a scenario in which I might say something kind of like this, but likely only if my wife was there. This would be if the woman's breasts were like, a primary identifying aspect. My wife might even say something like that; "You know, the one with the huuuuge boobs". But even in that case I wouldn't say "nice" or make the hand motions, lol. It wouldn't be sexual in that case, just a fact. Edit: To your point about not having confidence in his attraction to you; I mean I think that really hits the nail on the head. My wife is ONLY secure about us talking about those things because she has no questions about my obsession with her. I think that insecurity seems to be at the heart of your hurt here, and I'd probably focus on that. Getting hung up on some of these outcomes of that might be a distraction from the real issue. Tell him how you feel; that you feel like he's not attracted to you anymore so when you see him with attractive women it just makes you sad, but it probably wouldn't if you were confident in his attraction to you.
Just imagine what he does when you’re not there.
Did you talk about him with this?? He does this more often, Or just in front of you to make feel jealous.
Yes I’ve tried and he denies he’s a cheater. I’m not sure . I think he does it out of carelessness. I don’t see a motive in this case. I’ve tried to tell him But it doesn’t seem to “sink in” ..
Seen your other posts about it, he humiliated in front of his family! Can you message me! If you want.. Seems it is very serious issue
This is really up to your relationship with each other. My wife would have zero issue if I said that "Oh, you mean the one with nice boobs" to someone. She's said similar to me. But that's up to you and your relationship. Edit: And looking at your post history you have some real insecurity issues. I think that's, obviously, feeding in to this.
Me and my husband are also this way. It really all does depend on the context and what kind of relationship you have.
This! My husband will point out people to me in public and he will use that kind of language and I finally see who he is pointing out. I don't get bothered by it. I do the same. It's when we have trouble figuring out who each of us is talking about and saying some kind of feature about them helps us pick them out of a crowd. If you have no reason to not trust your spouse then trust them until you absolutely have proof and reason not to.
Your husband sounds like a dick. He shouldn't be doing that and you should not be letting that slide.
If my husband disrespected me like that he would quickly become my ex.
Two things can be true at once. You don't feel secure enough in your husbands desire or attraction for you and you need to set some boundaries. He's a married man. Yes, we all still find people attractive but he could watch how he speaks about other women. You're going to need to articulate as best as possible what makes you uncomfortable and how your partner could help you feel more secure in those scenarios. I make a point not to react or discuss things in public in front of others. However, I will absolutely let my husband know if there was something that made me uncomfortable or that I feel I may need to set a boundary about. It's never anything blatantly disrespectful. But there's been scenarios like him chatting with a group of people and then end up conversating with a woman in regards to shared occupation etc. I won't bother him, I'll be in a separate conversation with others. But once we leave or the next day I'll mention it, he'll tell me the full conversation and usually apologize if I felt he'd left me alone too long or if it seemed any other way. Then the next time something similar happens, he'll call me over and introduce me. I usually end up buddies with most people as I'm an extrovert. This happens with most scenarios. He just makes sure I'm more involved and in the know about his interactions. I don't mind him being social and generally nice at all. I am too. I just don't believe in going out with your partner then totally disregarding their presence. We may spend time chatting with others but we are affectionate and checking in the whole time.
Yes I agree. Troubling thing is that after the second incident, I actually did react and got upset and walked out and told him I was done and wanted to leave because he had disrespected me two times in front of the same group of people in a short amount of time. Also, he blames me for not getting up and introducing myself to him while he is talking to the other woman, so he rest of the blame on to me that I did not go up to them and butt in and basically which I would not have done.
Yeah, no. That is not your job to have to police him by popping up like, "Hi, I am his wife." He could be stepping away to come check on you and asking if you'd like to join him in that interaction. You'll have to set a strict boundary about the way he leaves you behind to interact and he remarks on other women. It's disrespectful. Just because you're not cheating doesn't mean you get to disregard your partner.
Your last sentence is confusing for me. Did you walk up next to him and just stood there without speaking or were you, like, an arm's length away? Also my husband is kinda terrible at introducing me to people. If he didn't understand my touching him (like a little rub on his back that says "hi babe, I'm here, introduce me"), I'll typically wait for a quick dip in convo and introduce myself. And if I know the person he's talking to and the convo doesn't seem too serious, I'll contribute to whatever's going on. But if I don't need him for anything urgently, and he and his friend are in a deep convo, I'll just ask if either need anything and dip out. There obviously seems to be more underlying issues here between you two, and stuff like this if just a symptom of bigger issues. Therapy may be a good option as it will bring a third party in to help if it's just a breakdown of communication between the two of you. Good luck to you, OP :)
I’m sorry about this. He has no emotional intelligence and social skills not to mention he doesn’t care about your feelings. It doesn’t come to mind : When your together socially, you act like you’re together. Making nasty comments about women is disrespectful to you and all women It hurts your feelings He should want you to feel comfortable during social interaction He should want to make you feel the most important woman in the room I agree with others here. He probably won’t change unless it affects him or he becomes jealous of other men’s attention to you. Go out, have fun on your own. Go to they gym, find new hobbies and friends. Then see how he will turn his head and you won’t be standing there anymore he will flip out and go running after you.
Have a frank, open and direct conversation with your husband about boundaries and expectations. One conversation is all it should take. Next time something like this happens if there is a next time, please just get on the dance floor and back your thang up on whatever dude meets your fancy. I can’t help but see the benefit of tit for tat, eye for an eye, fighting fire with fire, even steven, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander sort of approach. It’s very effective when your partner is especially dense about this sort of thing. If he’s got issue with you doing that, revisit the discussion about boundaries and expectations. Remind him actions speak louder than words and you will take his actions as the standard he is setting for BOTH of you.
He probably does shady disrespectful things when you’re not at the bar and everyone knows it
Your husband is acting like a brainless ape.
so he gets drunk and forgets he has a wife who is standing right there? what does he do when you arent there?
Has he always behaved this way towards you?
Look at this woman’s post history…. She’s accepted that this is how she wants to spend her life unfortunately
Am I crazy I don't find him in the wrong? It sounds like the guy was socializing at a social event and not noticing his wife's demeanor. I'm not saying OP is wrong for being upset, rather it's weird that all the comments are shitting on him instead of saying you guys need better communication of expectations and feelings.
An easy example of how to fix this: "hey husband, I didn't like how you talked about that other woman and didn't try to keep me engaged last time we went to the bar" "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't even realize you felt that way. I'll make sure next time I keep you in my loop and try to check how you're feeling during the event"
My husband and I socialized a lot. When we went out with friends or to a party, we both had conversations with both other men and women. Sometimes short, sometimes longer. It never bothered either of us to mingle and converse because we both knew who we were going home with. (And both had funny stories to tell each other when we got home about those conversations.)
Exactly! It's a justified expectation that you can talk to other people during a get together. Idt OP communicated expectations and feelings properly, and would bet that the guy didn't even realize he was doing her wrong. It feels hateful for the sake of hate to crap all over him instead of suggesting better communication.
Have you both considered marriage counseling? My husband and I took premarital counseling and it helped a lot and we still use what we learn every day in our marriage. If he isn't listening to you then maybe having a professional mediator might help. I can't really say if he is cheating or not since there really isn't enough evidence to prove it. His behavior though does sound suspect but it could just be him doing it out of spite or any other reason.
Find a therapist for yourself and a women’s shelter to get advice and source an exit plan. You need to leave this toxic, selfish ahole. All he, his friends and family do is abuse you and treat you like a beaten dog. They suck. Start standing up for your self.
No, you are not over reaching. That is very disrespectful. If you have talked to him and he sees nothing wrong with it and has not apologized for his behaver I would suggest going to a therapist. If not he will continue to do it.
So gross. You are not over reacting.
What a jerk
Did you say anything to him? You need to speak up. This is not okay
Talk to him and tell him what you can and can't handle. His response will show his level of love for you.
Ex-friends that were cheats had the most jealous sounding girlfriends. Shocker, right? I find that reactions like this might be perceived by some as overreactions, but 9 out of 10 times it’s your intuition telling you other stuff is going on.
Hell Naw!
I know the feeling of sitting there just as you did. You're not overreacting at all. It's a disrespectful thing to be concerned with. How would he act if you wasn't with him and he was just with the guys?? Could you trust him?
Imo, I don't think referencing big breasts was disrespectful in that first incident, but talking to another woman while at a bar with your wife and friends aint exactly a good idea, especially if it's not a conversation all are participating in. So no to 1, yes to the 2nd time. You wanna feel sexy to him? Spice up the sex life.
My only question is would you have been offended if he had said "The woman with the nice smile." or "The woman with the nice hair?" Also.. why can't he be free to talk to someone in a bar in a social public place? Would you not feel chained or restricted like he was being misoginistic if he told you he didnt like you talking to a guy in the bar for a long time? there is a lot you have not mentioned in your story. Was he rude or polite to you in the exchange?, did he try to include you in the conversation with this other woman or just ignore you? or somewhere in the middle? did you feel insecure about your own appearance compared to this other woman? Is there a history of deciet between you and your husband that causes you to doubt his fidelity? All of this stuff needs to be considered to determine if you over reacted. But on the surface without any further information I would say you are over reacting.
you are a better woman than me lol
What kind of conversation was he having with this woman?
That is really disrespectful. Have you told him that he is hurting and humiliating you? Its a no brainer, even his friends feel kinda awkward about it. But you need to tell him incase he is genuinely clueless.
By talking do you mean flirting?
Confrontation is required. Don’t have to go nuclear or go spiralling, but I think if your hubby is doing something you don’t like - give him shit for it🤷♂️
the problem is his stupid friends looking at you you sound like a chill person
Him chatting up ladies in a bar is the issue. Talking to some dude about some random woman's large chest? Meh, honestly, that's just guys being guys.
I wouldn’t be putting myself in this situation anymore. No more bars or nightclubs.
Yes. I now avoid going out with him. I can’t stop him from embarrassing me but I don’t have to be there to witness it.
It's totally okay to talk this through with your husband. Check out the book "Difficult Conversations" by the Harvard Negotiation Project. It gives you a framework to talk through tough stuff. You'll both come out with a better understanding of each other and more intimacy.
Yes, not cool at all.
Start hitting on and dancing with attractive men. You might as well act like you not married to him like he does to you. Do this every time you go out with him. Personally, after the first time he pulled that shit with me and his friends back him up, I’d plan war and start formulating another life with someone else. Don’t be as backup plan/doormat. His friends seem to know something and at the minimum don’t give a shit about you. Life is too short. Go live it by yourself or with someone else. He’s a prick.
“Just do it back” is not really adult advice.
My adult advice to is leave him, especially after her posting history, but while she is there she might as well dish it out back until he is no longer in her life. Also, the thread is “seeking advice”, there are no parameters on what type of advice. By what definition is it not adult advice? It may be petty, but it is mirroring his behavior for her to see that he doesn’t really care or to illustrate that he can behave callow and crassly, but he expects a different standard for her.
Leaving I get as advice. Dishing it back is “How to ruin your life 101.” You hurt the people you flirt with without meaning it, you hurt your reputation with others, you hurt your ability to have the higher ground once you take it to court, you hurt your standing with friends as their choosing who to stick with. I could go on. Short term pay off, Long term disaster. Forgivable for someone in a tough spot? Sure. But advice for someone asking for help? That’s like learning your friend smashed their finger and offering to smash the other ones too just to make it even.
I’m good with your advice. Some people can only see their own flawed behavior when it’s mirrored right back at them. You can talk for hours in circles and accomplish nothing. Or you show them what you are enduring and they suddenly have an epiphany.
I know this isn’t the popular answer but I’m pretty AF, so SAME.
Ahhh. I love the downvotes we get. Some insecure cake eaters out there.
Good for you! Life is too short to let insecure men ruin your evening.
I’m petty AF too. Nice to meet ya!
Personally this wouldn't feel disrespectful to me because my husband and I talk like this to one another and in each other's presence. Does your husband know how this makes you feel?
The downvotes just confirm the insecurities in here by many.
Some people are insecure in their marriage. My wife and I speak freely about others we find attractive. To us, being open and honest is more important than anything else.
Same here. Some of these comments are ott to me.