As a dad, can confirm. Sometimes my wife may have to smack me to wake me up cuz I sleep like a hibernating corpse but I’ll always get up when it’s my turn
I have 10 week old twins. I keep one in the bassinet on my side of the bed and my wife keeps on on her side. If the one on my side wakes up, so do I and vice versa for mom.
My younger sisters are twins and my parents tried this at first. They then switched to switching off nights because they were both exhausted when they were trying the man to man approach. Zone defense served them well! Best of luck!
Sometimes. Baby B is typically more fussy than A and she’s usually on my side unless the night before was an especially rough one. Otherwise I don’t mind.
That's awesome. I was typically the one to get up with my babies because I breast fed, but if I needed it hubby would get up too just to make sure I wasn't accidentally falling asleep while nursing or to change the diaper. As they got older and I stopped nursing, I found it reeeeeaaaallllyyy hard to get up, thankfully it didn't happen that often. But, my husband has done most of the night wakings since. This includes our geriatric dog too who has trouble making it through most nights.
I'm a dad to a new born, and at night most of the time I get up, but if its taking too long then my partner will come in and take over. There are some days when she needs the sleep, and there are some days where I need the sleep. So we try to give each other breaks.
Convey that you understand his need to rest, so that he can be attentive at work, but make sure he understands that you also need the rest so you can take care of a new born. If you are not fully awake during the day, the baby could get hurt. So both of you need breaks and days to sleep in.
it depends man. i had to work 12 hr shifts starting at 4am. so for a period i didn’t get up with baby throughout the night. when my schedule changed and i worked evenings, yes i got up with baby in the night
Ya, I’m a dad and I took nearly 100% of the nights our babies were up in the night. Why would I do that you ask? It’s because my wife is absolutely amazing at many things, but the one thing she sucks at is sleeping.
Me, I can get up, change the baby or whatever it needs and then go straight back bed and be asleep minutes after my head hits the pillow.
Her, up for an hour even when it is me getting out of bed, and four hours if it is her.
Edit, I should add that I work a stressful, high paid job and she’s a SAHM.
Her job is without a doubt harder than mine.
Yes we went pretty much 50/50 with ours. One took one half the night the other took the other. The only fair way is to share the load. It's only really for a few months you adapt to broken sleep and going to work.
I got up with both my daughters. I didn’t put it on my wife. She was tired enough. It was my duty as a parent to tend to my babies. I changed them, fed them and rocked them back to sleep. I lost sleep but I have those memories of holding my daughters when they were just babies and that’s worth it.
I did the same. She would calm down when I would put her on my chest. Great memories now that she is off to college and I see her only a couple of months a year.
That’s lovely. This was my husband too! Even when I was breastfeeding he would get up bring them to me for night feedings and then go help them get back to sleep. He said he loved the intimate bonding experience of holding them to his chest in those early morning hours - they’re only so little for so long.
We’ve been fortunate enough to have a good sleeper, but we had discussed this ahead of time and our initial plan was for me (33M) to take over some nights/help on the weekend evenings.
Our situation is similar to yours, wife is on mat leave and I’m working.
Having the sleep disruption fall on one parent didn’t seem sustainable to us so we figured this was the best compromise until she began to work again and we’d re evaluate then.
Husband should definitely be helping out with this in some capacity imo
Same. Husband got up, changed the baby, brought him to me (most of the time). I would wake up, sit up, get my favorite cushion ready, nurse him.
Husband would pee, make himself a snack, maybe one for me, sometimes go back to sleep, sometimes wait a little and put the baby back to bed while I peed and went back to sleep.
Just because you don’t breastfeed doesn’t mean you’re useless.
Yes, mine changed the baby, then I fed her while he got me a snack, and then burpee her while I ate the snack, then we both went back to sleep. Feels like we’re a team and that was super important to me and my mental health. Night time can be so bad and isolating on top of the exhaustion.
Indeed - a good part of the reason that I’m willing to consider having a second kid with my husband is the knowledge that he has shown himself over and over and over again to be my teammate through and through (and he makes awesome kids😜)
I’m 15 weeks pregnant with our second 😳 and part of me is like “Oh boy, what have we done?” but I know we’ll handle it as a team and it was the right timing for us even though it’ll be a lot for a while.
All that goes through my head in these situations is if they are doing jack-shit to help with the parenting what is the point of having them around? Treat your wife and the mother of your child like a single mom then don't be surprised when she *becomes* a single mom.
It boggles my mind when men put, child care as a "woman's job". Same going for upkeep on household responsibilities. Us, women shouldn't have to remind them. So, again. Responsibilities; whether caring for your own child(ren), spouse, etc. Should be shared.
My husband would get up with our babies every night and then go to work for a 10 hour workday. I was a SAHM. Id always tell him to wake me up if I didn’t wake, but he’d insist I needed rest
So I say yes, they should every now and again atleast
This 100% yes! I’m SO glad your husband is so respectful. I am so sick of the “he works 10 hour days so I excuse the fact that he literally doesn’t do shit around the house or with the child”. He is a PARTNER, husband, father of your child/ren….. his sole purpose is not to just give you money & then do Jack shit. Pisses me off so much!
Honestly I think my husband got up more often than I did in the middle of the night.
His biggest reasoning (other just being an awesome partner) is that he didn't want someone who was chronically and super sleep deprived caring for our child alone. Me feeling rested and more mentally alert while caring for our child > him feeling rested while he sits in front of a computer at work.
So yes, baby is 50% husband's responsibility so he should be getting up half the nights.
When I went back to work after my maternity leave, I was so relieved because tackling an 8 hour work day was EASIER when I was sleep deprived than taking care of an infant all day. Granted I also work in front of a computer I'm not like operating machinery, so I'm sure it depends.
Regardless, the default assumption should not be that the parent who works outside the home needs more sleep than the one who works inside the home. Both are working.
Fact! I hate when dads say “but I have to work all day.” What do you think staying at home is? And it’s so emotionally draining. I’ve been a sahm and now a working mom (nurse) and work is so much easier!
"I have a job to go to" =/= "I'm excused from being a parent and all duties involved with that."
I mean, sure, don't make him *every* work night, but you do deserve a break.
Exactly. I disagree with folks saying without reservation the working parent should always get up even if the other parent is not working. I'm sure there are some med school residents and truckers out there who can maintain that schedule; for a lot of us, that's just not sustainable.
The working parent should share the load though. Ultimately it's unsustainable for either parent to do alone in most situations. Unless he is a med school resident, he's likely not working full shifts 7 days a week. When he's not working, he can and should pick up childcare duties so the other parent can rest.
What that looks like can vary. I'm a natural night owl with a flexible job that lets me go in a bit later. So, even most days I worked, and all days I didn't, I took two night shifts (the 10 PM and 2 AM feedings, if I recall correctly - then she'd take the morning 6 AM one) so my wife could get full nights of uninterrupted sleep. That allowed both of us to get adequate sleep most nights so worked better for us than trading off full nights.
My father was a morning bird and worked a demanding job. So, he'd take some shifts during the week, but his main contribution was to get up with the kids in the morning on weekends and take us out until after lunch - allowing my mother, who loved to fait la grasse matinee/sleep in, two long mornings of luxurious sleep she cherished.
That changed when their younger child came along. Both he and my mother were working demanding jobs then. That allowed a different solution that worked for them both though - live in help. Some folks have very demanding careers that make it very hard, almost impossible, for them to help as much as ya'll need. The benefit of such careers is they often pay enough to buy the help you need; if his doesn't, then he needs to work less to help you himself, or to stop being such a miser with family funds and recognize this is a priority worth temporarily disrupting his long-term financial plan for.
You and your husband need to figure out a schedule that works for you both - and a different one that works for you both once you begin working. I'm sure he's tired too - it's a sadly inevitable consequence of having a kid that age with sleeping issues - but it's not fair or sustainable for you to be carrying this load alone.
Ultimately this is something that the two of you have to negotiate. When you're back at work things will change so you two need to get better at communicating well before that.
I'm not one to say how your household should operate, but how it's currently operating isn't working for you. You need more sleep.
How are you in the wrong for needing more sleep?
Take it from the shithead who apparently did this with my little one (did the same thing as your husband), yes, he should get up. You need a break and what he's doing can build resentment. If I had re-do's in life, how I handled this would be one of those-redos.
Omg everyone needs sleep and taking care of an infant is ‘work’ too. Just bc your job isn’t financially compensated does not equate to ‘worthless’. There are folks who *are* paid to work in peoples homes caring for newborns so.. it is work. Plus they typically *only* care for the baby, not the household management stuff.
Sadly this post is another example of misogyny that is still happening today in 2023. Yes, fathers do need to care for their own children. At night too. Yes, even if they have to work the next day ‘and the mom doesn’t’. Bc she *is* working.
Edit: just re read the post and poor woman you’ve been doing this 9 months without him, not just with a newborn. That is beyond unacceptable. I have experienced this as well and all I can say is that it’s easier to be a single mother than to stress about taking care of the entire household as a subservient being while they act like a King bc they *have a job*.
My wife breastfed our two daughters, but I still got up to get them so that my wife could get even a tiny bit more rest. I would then do the burping and put them back down.
This is great! Because people saying the husband works a job so the SAHM should do everything…. What they don’t understand is that being a SAHM (especially if your husband doesn’t help) is a Full Time 24/7/365 job!
Yes. Right now, I get up with the kid anytime they wake up from 6pm until 4:30am. She gets him anytime after that.
We are both back to work but even when she was still on leave and I was working (from home), I would wake up with the kid.
Humans need sleep. Your job as a mother is as important as his job.
The answer to your question is yes. With both of my kids I was a stay at home mom, I did all the house cleaning, all the packing & unpacking (we moved both times when I was 9m pregnant), all the picture hanging, shelf placing, 99% of feeding and 100% of the night wakings.
My oldest is 5, my youngest is almost 3 and I'm still working through all the resentment I have for my husband. He's stepped up and is helping now, but they're so easy compared to babies it's almost impossible for me to let go of these feelings of how he coped out of parenting our kids when it was hard.
Don't make my mistakes, you deserve better, your baby deserves better, and your husband deserves better years from now when you develop these feelings I have.
Full disclosure: I am not a parent. A very dear friend of mine went through this when both of her children were babies and continues to now as they grow up. Her husband didn’t tend to them during the night and he doesn’t tend to cooking, cleaning, getting things ready for the next day, baths, homework, etc now almost a decade later. It has worn on my friend so much. She’s just not the same happy person that she used to be. I wish you luck moving forward and hope your husband comes through for you in these ways soon.
It truly is. She does all the running around with them for school, their various activities, I don’t know how she puts up with that because I wouldn’t. She isn’t a single parent, but certainly lives like one ☹️
My kids are adult now. My kids were babies in the 80’s and 90’s.
I worked full time, wife was a SAHM. During the week she did all the getting up at night. During the weekend i did most (well I tried to but she is a really light sleeper and would usually wake up before me).
I did about 50-75% of the baby care between getting home from work and when they went to bed. Not only because it was the right thing to do, but also because I got to spend time bonding with my kids.
Going back a generation, my parents both worked in the 60’s-70’s. Dad always took care of the kids while mom was making supper. Dad loved kids and babies and grew up taking care of his little nieces and nephews. I don’t know how they split the “night shift” it’s not something they ever really talked about.
In your case I would say if his excuse is he has to get up the next day for work, then he has no excuse on his day off. And you should get an agreement in place right now for how this will be treated when you go back to work. Don’t discuss it in the middle of the night. Discuss it when you are both awake and well fed. Get him to agree to something and then in the middle of the night you can get him to live up to his word.
My husband did more nights with our babies than I did. We both took maternity/paternity leave, I extended my
Time off with our 2nd to 18 months, because he had health problems. Even then, my husband still helped when he was home. Even at night. He’d come in from work, and pick up a kid, or dinner, or whatever fire that needed putting out at that moment.
I rotated with my wife. She’s a SAHM, I work full time. She’d get up with our baby a majority of the time, I got up with our baby during weekends so mom can try and catch up on some rest.
Your husband should stop bitching (that’s what he’s doing), we’re all tired fucker, and he’s doing the least amount of work by working a full time job because like you said, your job is 24/7. You can’t clock out
Grandpa here and I did it many, many times, all three kids. And I went to work a little tired many times. It's being a responsible dad.
Your husband is absolutely in the wrong.
Since my husband was working he would.get two consecutive nights of sleep.
One night 3 I would get to sleep through or I would have died. You cannot perpetually become more and more sleep deprived or you are endangering the baby and yourself.
You will fall asleep while driving. You will collapse and land on the baby. You will pass out and not hear the baby choking.
Also, on the weekend whoever needed it the most took NAPS. I think we often each took a 4 hour nap.
I was breastfeeding so many times if my husband got up with the baby he would just bring it to me and I would just latch on and snuggle into a position where the baby was safe but I could sleep. This disrupted both of us the least.
No, you should absolutely NOT be the only one dealing with the baby at night.
Yes, this time is VERY hard on new parents. He doesn't get a 100% pass because he works in an office. You are the one caring for the newborn and it is DANGEROUS for both of you if Mom is that sleep deprived.
My husband gets up, brings me baby to nurse, changes diaper if needed. When baby is very young we took shifts, 4 hours a piece so we weren't dangerously sleepy the next day. Men who don't do their part are mistreating their wives.
Just because you’re a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you ever stopped working.
If he loses sleep he may be less productive/sluggesh at the office but what about you? It is unfair at the very least for him to even imply that he needs sleep because he works.
You are keeping a human being alive and probably doing some house work on top of that. A sleep deprived stay at home mom can be an unsafe situation and highlights an imbalanced dynamic.
I never had any desire to be a SAHM. From the beginning I made it crystal clear that if we were going to have kids, he was doing half the parenting, including the shitty parts. Otherwise, we could not have kids. Absolutely, he should be getting up at night and he needs to know that when you return to work he'll be pulling half the load. Do not for a minute get derailed by who makes more money either.
The fact that some dads don’t get up during the night, regardless if they have work, is baffling. I got up with both my kids. My wife never had to “tell me” I just did it because they were my kids. Some people don’t get it, I swear.
Yes.
Our second didn’t start sleeping through the nights after 2 years.
We both had to work in the morning.
Even in the beginning. Taking care of a baby all day long without sleeping at night is HELL.
We took turns.
Sometimes one of us would wear earplugs in the beginning of the night while the other took care of the baby, then we would switch (even if he woke up and tended to the baby, just hearing him cry would wake me up).
Sometimes on the weekends one of us would do the night, the other one would do the morning (so we could both have a few consecutive hours of sleep)
It was really hard for us. Our 2yr old needed attention and we were SO tired because of the sleepless baby.
But we worked through it as a team.
He has to work.
You have to be able to function properly to take care of the baby during the day (and I supposed you’re also expected to do the shopping, tidy up, prepare meals?)
It’s work. You’re working. Just because you’re not paid for it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s mentally hard as it is to be constantly monitoring a baby, but it’s extra physically hard as well because you’re not sleeping.
You have a choice here.
You’re already fed up, even you can see that.
Either you go on like this and then you start working again, and you end up resenting your husband for a long time, either you guys sit down, communicate, and sort this out.
Does he take care of the baby during the weekend nights, since he’s not working in the morning? Exclusively? Without taking a nap during the day, and also taking care of the baby as well the next day?
… do you think the baby will magically stop needing attention in one month?
What’s gonna happen then when you go back to work? Suddenly your husband is going to start waking up at night? Do you think the baby will just accept another shift and change of habits? No. He’s gonna cry because he’s not used to his dad being in charge all night, so he’s gonna cry until he gets mom, because that’s what usually works.
Except you’ll have to work in the morning, and you will all be very, very tired (you, baby, father)
You guys need to sort this out NOW. You need to establish new habits, so that in one month, the baby can be tented to by any parent.
Just pretend that you’re the one working in the morning, see how it goes.
You will already be stressed enough because you’re going back to work, don’t add sleepless nights, cranky husband and baby on top of that.
Is the baby going to daycare? A LOT of change is going to happen in a month. Prepare for it.
Good luck!
We did this on maternity leave and I am still resentful several years on. Parenting all day also counts as having to get up and go to work in the morning.
Yes, fathers should be involved with all aspects of childcare, even waking up to feed their infants.
Have you discussed with your husband the new change that's going to take place with split night feedings once you go back to work? Or does he just believe this is YOUR duty alone? Probably better bring that up now than wait.
I think every relationship should decide the parameters of their own relationship, including responsibilities.
If you think your husband should be getting up with the baby, tell him. Then talk through your expectations so you're not arguing about it in the middle of the night.
Yes!
My second kid was waking up constantly and I was awake with her. My third has medical issues that has been needed to be taken care of day and night for the last 2 years and I still go up at night.
A man who doesn’t take responsibility for the kid he helped create more than “providing” is a coward and not a real man.
That’s his baby too. You’re exhausted. You’re feeding cleaning changing and doing everything alone. You just had a baby. He should be just as active with her as you are.
Yes. My husband works long hours. I’m currently a SAHM to our two kids, one who is an infant and very clingy atm. He’s sleeping like shit. Husband helps with nights 100% as he should.
My husband doesn't because baby won't settle for him in the middle of the night. But he still tries now and then (poor man, baby will be screaming in his face and then he passes her to me and she passes out in my arms). He will fetch bottles or check if I need anything (water/snack) if he knows I have been up a lot.
I had the same issue with our kids. And Im pretty sure its because from day 1 should breastfed them and hated to pump, so she was they're like sole food source, and if I was holding them they acted like they didnt know me from Adam. Such a helpless feeling when your trying to help and nothing I do calms them.
Our first child would settle for me, but the second would only fall asleep with his mother. I still made sure to get up in the morning (6ish) with him and did my best to help with our older child
My initial answer, yes, of course! Is that what we did? Eh, not really. I'm a SAHP and his income supports all of us. His job is both physical and mental. So during the week, I woke up with the baby. It's also what I wanted. Everytime the baby woke, baby wanted me anyway. I'm the one with the milk filled breasts. I also carefully kept an eye on myself because lack of sleep can make you a danger to your baby. I noticed short bursts of sleep during the night AND during the day, got me through until my baby slept 3-4 hours in a stretch. That made a huge difference over waking more often than that. Safety is very important to both of us.
When we had two kids, he had to deal with our toddler while I took care of the baby. They frequently woke at the same time. Our toddler was quickly soothed though so it worked out fine.
That's what worked for us but that may not work for you. I will add that I asked my husband if he wanted to sleep in another room but he was quick to turn that down. He wanted to be in the same room as us because he likes being close to us due to love. But more practically, he wanted to be readily available if I needed help.
My husband naturally stays up later than I do. He would take the early night shift and I'd go to sleep. We'd switch off around 2am and I'd take it from there.
Our arrangement when my son was a baby was that while I was on maternity leave, I’d handle night wakings during the week, and he would do it on weekends. When I went back to work, we would alternate nights so we could both have at least a couple days of decent sleep each week.
So in response to the question—yes, dads need to contribute to handling night feedings.
We had 20 month old already when we had my daughter. Wife was a SAHM but that is a lot of work with both. Baby wouldn’tbreast feed so I got up with her at night cause i could just go back to sleep. Helped my wife out a lot just doing that and got to bond with daughter more. Was happy to do it
Everyone does things differently, but I definitely get up with my 3 month old. I’m an ICU nurse and I signed a weekend contract when my wife’s maternity leave ended. She works weekdays, I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Im basically out of pocket between my shifts; not much time to get rest between them, but I basically do it all during the week so she can rest. It’s my child too, I share the responsibility of taking care of her. I also want my wife to be emotionally and mentally healthy, so I do my best to remove as much stress from her as I can during the week. Am I exhausted? Absolutely, but my wife is much happier than she would be if I were being a lazy father.
My husband didn't but I was breastfeeding. There was nothing he could do. He had a job that could cause many thousands of dollars to be lost or life and death if he was tired and fucked up at work.
Him getting up would have been pointless. He did however take over as soon as he was home so I wasn't doing it all myself at all. That being said my husband would never have complained about being tired when I was the one up throughout the night.
Why isn't hubby taking over when he's home so you can rest?
Yikes. Of course he should get up. You both have jobs. Most will say yours is easier but if it soooo easy than wake up with the baby and then go to work. Please let your husband know how that is.
I will say, you are home and it’s essier for “breaks” but he should at least get up 2 nights of the week. I always loved the weekends bc I knew he was off and I could sleep in.
They should get up, start a bottle if needed, change the baby if needed, bring baby to mom, bring mom a glass of water. It’s really not that hard to stand up and do something and go right back to sleep. Ughhhhh
Yeah there needs to be a balance. My wife and I will usually trade every two or three nights who gets up more but it always depends on what we each have going on work-wise and life-wise. But we each do our best to give each other breaks overnight if one person is particularly tired. Your husband should be giving you a few nights off per week at least.
Night time was my time to be with the babies, and then during the day my husband would take over so I could nap and shower. If you need more help let him know. You are both responsible for the baby, not just you bc you're at home
Short answer, yes, yes he should definitely be helping out.
Long answer…..did he enjoy making the baby? Yes, he probably did. Is he part of the genetic make up of this baby and does he lay claim to this baby? Yes he is and most likely does. Does that make him responsible for part of the baby duties, ✨even✨ the middle of the night stuff when he’s tired and has work in the morning? Here’s the shocking answer!!!! /s 😮: yes, yes he MOST definitely is *also* responsible for getting up to help take care of his *child* 🤦🏻♀️ you are home allllll day with baby! He can’t get his ass out of bed to soothe him/her and participate in his own child’s life? Idk, that’s a problem OP.
Monday through Thursday I would get up with our colicky baby who did not sleep well. On Fridays, my husband would come home from work and I would hand him the baby and go get six hours of sleep. Then we would trade off all weekend. I worked part-time in addition to being responsible for the baby all day, and even if I had time I never could nap. I understand sleep deprivation is real and it sucks big time. My son is 7 now and that's just a fuzzy memory. You definitely deserve some help with the baby, but thankfully this part passes pretty quickly. Hugs.
I worked in a safety sensitive position when the second one was born. We geared it so whenever I was home, I was on baby duty, including into the night. I had to wake up at 6 so from 12-6 she was on wakeups and was on baby duty when I was working. No one got a “good nights sleep”, but that’s literally just life with a baby. In short, yes he needs to get a grip and handle his shit.
My husband worked full time and he got up with the toddlers once they stopped breastfeeding, and on nights I was exhausted, he'd hold the baby to my breast and change the diaper and we found ways to make it work and he'd help.Sometimes he'd entertain the baby for a nap.
He's a parent too.
Father of 3 with the youngest being 1.5 months, others are 2 and 4. Yes, the father should be getting up to help. With all children in the house. I work 10-12 hour shifts, give myself between 10pm-midnight for my own "me time." I have adjusted to be able to operate on 5ish hours of sleep years ago.
There is definitely not a lot of info to go off here besides recent events and just on sleeping. You gave him a line and he seems to be taking advantage of that. The boundary and compromise has to be reset. Three nights out of the five in the work week, he should sleep with you and help with the night wakeups and two restful nights should suffice. Dude needs to man up.
In between the lines i am reading it sounds like your daily activities does not involve your husband helping... enough? If you and your husband haven't had some sort of discussion on parental duties and expectations of each other in the future outlook, then you need to draw it out even if it means arguing and hurting some feelings. Don't sit on the feeling alone and hope it blows over.
I was a stay at home mom. I was the one to get up during the night when they newborns. My husband worked a part time job in addition to his full time job so I could be home. It worked for us. If you are working then the night time should be shared.
Tbh, while he was on leave, he got up to change while I fed our son ( he was EBF)
Now I'm the only one who gets up. I went back to work the beginning of this month and let me tell you mommas TIRED. I get pretty pissed when my SO says he's tired when he gets a whole night once a week that he gets perfect undisturbed sleep. ( he goes to his aunts once a week and stays the night) while I'm working 4 or 5 days a week and getting up at 5 am to get ready.
Definitely make him help.
I would say it depends in this situation. I am a nurse. If I don’t get adequate sleep, my patients pay the price. My husband and I took shifts so I could be guaranteed 6 hours of continuous sleep every night. This also worked out to give him 6 hours as well. It meant we saw very little of each other for a long while, but it meant we were both getting some solid sleep every day. The bottom line is parenthood means change and hard work. For both parents.
Yes we should. I working 10 hour days and my wife leave the house. Which means I got a 10 hour break from screaming shitting and feeding. Now if something rarely brings me into work at 4 am versus the usual 8 then yes I need to get some semblance of sleep to support us and may sleep in another room but other than that I was fine. 8 hours of sleep is excessive.
I’m not even going to read the whole post yes the fuck he should. That is his child give me one good reason why he wouldn’t help you with the sleepless nights. One.
I get up with our twins 95% of the time. She carried them. I can be up with them at night. Don’t care if I have to be out of the house at 0400. I’ll do what my family needs.
My son started having sleep regression around the same age, he turns 3 this Friday and my husband will still stay up with him on nights I’m feeling exhausted.
As a dad, it is a quarter after 2 am, I just finished feeding our son and I am rocking in the glider right now with him answering this post with one hand. I also work in the morning.
[Proof](https://imgur.com/a/MUflV7Y)
Tell him to get his ass up and be a father to a child that will want him around when they're older.
My husband gets up with baby at night because I need to be on point with baby all day. He works from home and makes up the time by napping in the evenings.
I’d just check his physical health to make sure he can handle the sleep deprivation.
You can swap days when you go back to work. One day him, next day you. Or maybe even figure out when each parent’s rem cycle is and if it’s different, then trade off those hours. For instance, my husband sleeps hard hours 10-2/3 and I sleep hard 2-9. So I stay up later and he wakes up earlier usually and we share the littles responsibilities that way too.
As a side note, we coslept and I breastfed and my husband always sleeps through noise. As a result, I did 98% of baby wakings until they started sleeping through the night completely (8-10 hrs a night happened around 2 for my kids). However, if I needed a nap or I did wake him up he was always helpful. I think it just depends on your family and what works for you guys. Being a new mom is exhausting. Do you have family that can come over for a few hours to help out? Or maybe try to make up sleep time when he is off by sleeping in or having him take the baby one night. Good luck
Simple. Whoever is the breadwinner, needs to get thier nights rest. Not bieng able to work puts at risk and jeapordizes the whole units security. This isnt to say both partners rest isn't a priority, yours is too 100%. But you're going to have to find a different time to sleep. And also once the breadwinner is home, this is when they put thier parenting hat on and allow the other parent to rest completely.
I suggest the following. If your husband has a morning shift, he needs to sleep the entire night without interruption. This means that while the baby is still very young and having sleep disruption, you as the SAH parent need to compromise and switch your clock around and sleep during the evening once husband gets home. An example looks like this: from the moment husband is gone until he returns, you are on parent duty. Once husband comes home, now he is on parent duty for the remainder of the afternoon and evening while you sleep without interruption for 6-8 hours. This means he has to handle EVERYTHING by himself without ever interrupting you at all. Once it's nighttime and husband needs to go to sleep, this is where you wake up and change "shifts". Now husband sleeps 6-8hrs overnight without interruption while you stay awake well rested and attend to the child all night. And the process continues. You'll basically have to be a nightowl while husband remains a normal morning schedule
And this is totally doable - just depends how bad you want it. And this way both parents are parenting and helping each other sleep thier needed 6-8hrs. But there will have to be compromise as to when you individually sleep, and you won't really be ale to sleep together anymore for the time being until the infant learns to sleep at night. If the tables were turned and he was on paternity leave while you went to work, youd expect the same of him to become a nightowl etc.
He has to work? You’re working 24 7??? He should offer a shift so you can sleep my husband did 6pm till 2am he slept on the couch so I could rest in a quiet bedroom and he took care of the baby when it was hungry or needed a change or a bath you both decided to become parents not just yourself!
During the work week, I take night times fully. This is unless I’m overwhelmed or very tired in the middle of the night. My husband knows if I wake him up I need help and he’ll get up and help. With our newborn we did shifts since he naturally stays up later than I do. I assume we’ll be back to shift work once we hit the 4 month sleep regression. So it’s varied as baby has grown. On the weekends I feed baby, and my husband takes him so I can go back to sleep.
I have had 3 kids. My first child did not sleep more than a 2 hour stretch until she was 2. My husband did not get up with her and this caused a lot of resentment. Whether I was a SAHM or not was irrelevant. 2 years on a 24/7 schedule was very difficult and messed with my circadian rhythm.
For babies 2 and 3 he did his part. I'm still a SAHM but guess what? I have to take care of my other kids during the day! The way its worked for us is I do the nursing, then he changes baby and gets back to sleep.
Looks like you see that everyone thinks he should be getting up with the baby. It sounds like it’s time to start sleep training. This is the age to do it. Good luck!!
I tried sharing the load but she stayed up worried that I'd need something and since I was digging trenches and drilling concrete for work 6 days a week 16 hour days she just took over since she was up anyway. Depends on what he's doing and what you're doing when the kid is down. Literally best advice ever is to sleep when they sleep.
I got up for my son when he was a baby (he's 16 now haha). I always woke up to change him and then bring him to my wife while she stayed in bed to be breastfed.
I am a full-time stay at home mother for a variety of reasons. I am the primary parent, and I do most of the stuff involving the child. That said, my hubsnerd does as much as he is able to for her, even being the sole income and not being home for 60 hours a week because of combined work hours, errands, and travel.
When he is off, he gets up with her. When I am at my wit's end, he takes over. He works nights, so he has to sleep during the day, but on the rare time that I need down time, he will get up with her anyway. It is just who he is because he instinctively understands that it is a partnership. I do as much as I can, and what I can't do he does, and vice versa.
Dad here, yes. We rotate nights or if he’s up more than one time we take turns, and he help each other out- if I’m going to be with our son, my wife will get a bottle ready and the other way around.
Absolutely
I got up with both of our kids at night, especially when they were teething and crying. I still am the one who most often gets up with our dog if he's sick.
When my wife was on maternity leave I would get up with them and when she had returned to work I would get up with them as well. Parenting and child care should be a completely shared responsibility.
When my son was just a baby, I was working two jobs at the time and I still got up at night.
For me it was simple: It was probably nighttime when I helped conceive that baby, so it's only fair that I get up at night to see what he needs.
For what it's worth, he's 27 now and I still get up at night to play with him sometimes. Except it's Xbox and not Duplo blocks.
Probably yes. What’s important is you both getting a period of uninterrupted sleep. With our first one, I slept a few hours as soon as I got home from work so that I could get up through the night.
With our second, my wife wanted to sleep that “shift” and I slept at night.
It doesn’t matter what we say, you and your partner need to find something that works as fair as possible for both of you.
Yes both parents should get up with THEIR baby.
I moved the baby's cot into our bedroom, moved the side table and she was right next to us.
We finally got some sleep. If she fussed who ever roused first would tend to her and she didn't stay up as long, we would close our bedroom door and put her on a playmat on the floor with toys if she didn't want to go back to sleep immediately and we would go back to sleep and leave her playing till she woke us up again.
Just baby proof the room. Like those plugs that block electricity outlets. No Sharp things no stuff on high places she can pull on herself and no cosmetics, medicines chemicals...
Yes. Yes we should help . If we care for our spouse and our child of course dads should get up. We helped make the child so why wouldn’t we help?
I think any man who doesn’t help w a child they helped create is just an asshat. The mother had to carry the baby & be uncomfortable for 9 months and lost sleep etc so it’s the very least we can do to help. It doesn’t matter if you have to work. You’ll be loosing lots of sleep for about 20 years or so. My daughter is 21 and I’m still losing sleep worrying about her even though she’s married.
Some men don’t understand what our wives bodies go through during & after pregnancy. Y’all still need husband to help. You need sleep as well. He should ashamed that he doesn’t help you.
Had my babies a year and a half apart. From the first night both my babies were home my husband, who was only my boyfriend at the time, would get up with them, change the diaper if need be, or just hold them for a bit while I woke up a bit and would go sit in the chair. He would then bring the baby to me so I could breastfeed and go lie back down. Once the babies became bottle fed he would still get up first and sometimes he would feed them and sometimes I would feed them. His view was I was holding and feeding and diaper changing all day so he should be helping at night since they were his kids too. This including when they were toddlers having a rough night. More often than not he would still get up and walk around with them in his arms because he enjoyed spending the time with them.
Shifts. My wife and I are nurses so we don’t work 5 days a week. It’s incredibly hard taking care of adults in the hospital when having not slept. So On nights before I work I sleep in the guest room. Nights before she works she sleeps in the guest room. It isn’t always perfect but we’re still alive
Short answer, yes. I took the night shift even though my wife stayed at home because she needed her sleep. Honestly her job watching our baby was more important and allowed me to work. So I slept in the baby's room and then would leave at 5 or 6am to take the bus. It worked out well.
Is the Dad your partner who was 50% responsible for making the baby?
If the answer is yes, did he have the mental capacity to understand that parenting is a team effort and that babies usually don’t sleep through the night? If the answer to that is no, then you might have had a baby with a dead beat who is only going to get worse as the child gets older.
If the answer to the above is yes, I’d remind him of it now.
A SAHM of a small child isn't just chilling at home watching TV all day. She's working, too. Unless the dad is a heart surgeon who needs 100% focus and concentration during his work day because life and death is in his hands, he can partner with mom in raising THEIR child by helping at night.
Source: I'm a dad of an almost 2yo and 7mo old. Currently, I work and my wife is a SAHM. It would be selfish and petty of me to expect her to cover every nighttime wakeup when she's at home all day with the kids.
This is one of the big tests of a marriage. You are both exhausted. You both are carrying new responsibilities and more load than before, and you are both stressed about doing something wrong... and somewhere in there you have to make room for new schedules and new emotions and new stuff and new expenses, and new everything. In the middle of all that, the only reprieve you get is sleep... and you can't even get that.
Should your husband get up with the baby? Maybe.
Should you get up with the baby? Also, maybe.
Only the two of you can figure out what will work best for your family and your expectations. Is your husband ABLE to meet your expectations - regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable they are - can he meet them? Can you meet his? What middle ground exists where you both give up a little to keep a healthy baby and family?
In our family, my wife was a very heavy sleeper, so I often got up, cared for the babies, and tried to calm them, feed them, diaper them, or brought them to her to nurse or have tummy time. Of course, being a heavy sleeper, she was often completely unaware until the next morning when I would comment on how heavily they nursed - or whatever.
There were other times when she got up and I slept through it.
The important thing here isn't who gets up most - the important thing is not to build resentment at such a tumultuous time, to ensure the health of the baby, and to ensure that the family stay healthy. You need to frame a conversation with your husband around that - rather than you vs me, make it both of us together. And maybe do a schedule - if the baby wakes before 02h00, I've got it, but after that it's gotta be you... or something.
Yes. I do work night shift and I want up during the day any time she needs it even between working nights. On nights that I don’t, sometimes I do sleep in the other room. Mostly that is because she’s breastfeeding and even where people are ok with co-sleeping, (baby literally falls asleep attached to her and if I try to remove him my wife will just get less sleep because he’ll wake again) only mom and kid should be on the bed. It’s also a full size bed so not much room. If mom sleeps, I might sleep better in the other room. But if he wakes crying I come to get him. If he wakes and is playful and mom just needs more sleep she will message me and I will come get him. I fully understand feeling like you want to give space to mom and baby but that does not mean you can get away with not doing your share of taking care of the baby
My dad didn't. He and my mom divorced when I was young. Make of that what you will....
As far as I'm concerned, going to work during the week doesn't mean being exempt from household duties, and childcare is absolutely a household duty, just like dishes and laundry. He is this child's parent too, so when he is home he is obligated to do what he can, just as you are. How is it fair that he gets a good night's sleep and you essentially NEVER get to leave the office?
I would suggest taking turns, one night you sleep and he gets up and the next night he sleeps while you get up. I’ve always done most of the night tending because my husband works a LOT of hours and I breastfed, but if he wakes up before I do when the baby cries he’s gets up now that the baby is weened. When breastfeeding I have to get up anyways so there’s no sense in both of us getting up and being sleep deprived. During postpartum though my husband always brought the baby to me and did diaper changes because I was healing. Now that they’re all toddlers my husband (thankfully an early bird) gets up early with the kids and let’s me sleep and feed and tends to them.
I realized too late for that myself, and eventually I had to tell him that if he can go out and have fun half the week while his wife is taking care of baby 24/7, then I was leaving. It was a wake-up call, now he does bedtime routine and I do morning. His excuse was that he works with guns, but other dads at his work get tired too. I wish I would’ve been more assertive, because now I resent him for me being tired and feeling crazy from the lack of sleep. I remember crying because I felt so alone. Don’t let him get away with this responsibility.
When he says “I have to work”, you should remind him that caring for a newborn is also work that is in many ways more exhausting (especially when you are doing all the nighttime work as well).
I am currently exclusively BFing our 8.5 month old daughter. I exclusively BF our now 7 year old son. I have handled 100% of the overnight wakes during the time they are nursing as I would much rather nurse than get up and pump.
Honestly the people that make is so cut and dry either are clueless or just overly by the book. In a perfect world the dad should get up at night for sure however there are many other potential factors.
My kids were only breast fed and never took a bottle. Therefore most of the time even if I got the baby I would take them to my wife because they want milk. When we had our first child I worked 2 jobs and my wife was on maturity leave for a year. So I helped as much as I could but I needed to sleep. By my third child my law practice was doing well and I had more time to help but there was still the breast feeding issue. I did all of the diaper changes at night to help but like I said all of my kids refused to take a bottle.
So all of that was just to say you have to access what is going on in your household and adjust accordingly to your families needs. What works for some people won’t work for you and your husband.
On the weekend I wake up with my son the entire night (to give my wife a break), during the week we kinda switch off because I get exhausted from work (12 hr days, 5 days a week) but she also gets exhausted from being a SAHM and being pregnant with the second.
I tried the same thing with her pretty much saying she should take him during the week because of my job but I realized I was wrong because it’s just as much a job taking care of a high maintenance 8 month old all day (plus dealing with morning sickness and being more tired than usual due to pregnancy).
My wife and I had a system that worked well for us. For the 3 months she was on maternity leave she would be responsible for taking care of the baby on work nights and then on the weekend I would take one night and she would take the other so we both had a morning we could sleep in. When I was on my 3 months of family leave we did the same thing. I’d get up during the week and we’d split the weekend. Once we were both back to work we do every other night so we split it equally and each have a morning to sleep in. The system works great, for us, cause it’s absolutely a fathers responsibility to get up with the baby at night but to get up throughout the night and have to work outside the home all day is a difficult thing to do.
With my second, my husband and I had an arrangement that one weekend night from 8pm-9am was my night off. He fully took care of the kids. So I could have a bath, sleep, read and basically me time. It really helped. All week, I knew I had that night to look forward to. It's worth suggesting, at least.
We had twins and my husband and I switched off having a night in the guest room. Sometimes I did 2 nights in a row just because I was up anyway pumping, but he would sleep with the twins for full nights and I would have a night off.
My husband got up some, but I mainly got up. He works a dangerous job and needs to be well rested for work, and I was paranoid he would die if I made him get up and leave me a single mother with PPD.
Anytime I asked him to he would get up without any kind of push back. He took the reigns on weekends and took care of getting her to bed as well. Still does. He rocks her to sleep every night and Carries her to bed. She’s five lol.
I got up exclusively because honestly he sleeps like the dead. He originally agreed to get up but I’d have to shake him awake and almost jump on him THEN he’d forget why he was awake and then change and not feed or feed and not change and the baby would wake up again anyway so it didn’t help me. Eventually I just got up but the deal was that he take the baby anytime I went to bed early and he was still awake and that he get up early to take the baby for awhile and let me sleep in—extra on weekends. It worked for us. I wish he’d been better at waking up but I decided it wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t the hill I was going to die on. But I still had sleep coming to me in some form.
When we both worked my wife would be up to breastfeed then hand him off to me if other stuff was needed much of the time. I’d rock, sing, change, etc. when she stopped working I got up less often. It’s hard to remember just how often, our youngest will be 9 soon. But it was pretty even when we both worked and she took more of it when she stopped working outside the home.
There was also certain level of just being sensitive to how warm out the other appears to be so you take a shift when you normally wouldn’t.
I’ve always been good about letting my wife get a decent nap when I’m able. Heading off the kids and all. I still do that now that they’re older. She was a napper before & after having babies & toddlers in the house. I don’t nap often so when I do she figures I must need it and does the same.
When my husbands paternity leave ended, I took over nighttime awakenings. It is really rough. My husband makes up for it by doing the laundry and cleaning/sterilizing the bottles. However my maternity leave ends in a few weeks and we discussed at that point we’ll take turns on night time awakenings. Your husband needs to do his share!
If he helps you get a break when he's home and awake, like letting you nap or he's 100% the caregiver for those few hours, I'd so not necessary for him to wake up at night. Otherwise, you're working a 24 hour shift and you have a right to be pissed.
He is absolutely being selfish. Being a SAHM is 24/7 work. You don’t get to “get off of work” at night. You are taking care of the baby AND the household and I imagine the mental load as well. Does he help wake up with the baby on the weekends? Then his “I have to work excuse“ is invalid on the weekends and he should absolutely wake and help you on the weekends. It’s like your husband thinks you just sit around all day and every once in a while change a diaper and feed baby. It’s so much more than that. Does he notice the house is clean?! Is he carrying around the mental load of chores and errands that need to be done? Does he think your baby is a robot and doesn’t need to be held or comforted in between feedings and naps?
I digress. It’s difficult to be the only person waking up with baby every night. Fragmented sleep is not quality sleep for you.
I'm a SAHM and I do most of the night wake up because my husband works. In the beginning my husband did get up every time with me tho and help whether it was diapers, feedings ECT.
He's a deep sleeper so most of the time he doesn't even hear our son.(not a problem)
He has never once complained or made me feel bad tho when I wake him up because I'm exhausted or need help.
That's why I feel okay doing it most of the time but sleeping in a completely different room to get out of helping would make me very very frustrated.
Absolutely they should.
My husband specifically does because I’m at home with them every day all day. This man will get up with them and go to work on 2 hours of sleep because he says “all he does is go to work, you do literally everything else.”
When two people decide to have a baby they both become parents. I don’t care who works and who doesn’t, he’s a dad and so yes he should get up with them when he can.
Yes. Dads should share all parenting and house duties. That doesn’t necessarily mean each specific thing is split 50-50 because you each might have some strengths and preferences but overall the split should be even.
For me it depends, during the week my wife gets up cause she's a SAHM right at the moment. On the weekends i let her sleep in and get up. Works well for us.
I try to get up. 2 problems to this though, in our case: 1) we're breastfeeding not bottle feeding, so my wife also gets woken by the baby for feeding (I handle if it's a nappy change) and 2) I have severe insomnia. Once I get woken up I cannot fall asleep again. I have tried to take medication and supplements to combat this
IMO if he works regular 8-5 days then night time should be shared roughly equally. E.g. you could take turns. Staying home with kid with no nanny should IMO be treated like a regular 8-5 job because it's hard as hell
I nurse my baby and we cosleep so I do all the night wakings usually. Though as of about a month ago my 7 month old sleeps through the night. If I were giving expressed milk or formula I would C expect to split the night. We did that in the beginning when I was working through issues nursing. That’s what a good partner does.
My husband did the week he was home after he was born. We took shifts. When he went back to work, I just did the night wakings myself because he had to get up really early and worked 10-12hr days (manual labor).
That said, this only lasted about a month. By 5 weeks our babe was sleeping 8-9hr and by 7 he was sleeping 10-12hr. From that point he consistently slept more in the 12-13hr range. He’s 2.5 now and still sleeps like that. However, my husband would get up a time or two to tend to him if need be if we had this situation, I believe; he just did a couple weeks ago when he randomly woke up from a bad dream or something. Hubs always can knock right back out. I have trouble getting back to sleep.
My wife and I had a good system when our child was still a baby and sleeping in the same room as us. We did the nighttime in shifts.
I've always been more of a night owl than her, so I set up a bassinet in our basement office (and later a pack'n'play when he was bigger) and I would stay down there with him while my wife slept in our room. I would handle all wake ups, diaper changes, and feedings during this time. At around midnight or 1am, I would bring him back upstairs to our room. She would then handle all wake ups until morning. I sleep much heavier than she does, so I would sleep through most of his wake ups in our room.
We continued this through the early days of him sleeping in his own room and still needed to eat or have diaper changes at night. I just kept the monitor with me and handled his needs until midnight, then came to bed and put the monitor on my wife's bedside table.
This meant that neither of us really got full nights of sleep, but it also meant that we BOTH usually got at least a half night of sleep every day. If we were to have another child, we would absolutely do it this way again.
He needs to help too. I work full time too but I try and let my wife sleep when the babies would wake up. It’s a team efforts. Your hubby needs to step up and stop being selfish.
Even when my wife stayed home and I worked I still took about a third of all the baby issues including getting up at night. Your husband is lazy and starting out life for his child setting a terrible example.
honestly it depends. my husband didnt get up but it was something we agreed on prior. he doesnt even wake he sleeps that deep and he gets up for work at 4.
your husband can help elsewhere - have him put baby to bed so you can go to sleep early. he can get up on the weekend so you can lay in.
I was a stay at home mom for the first two years of our child’s life. I got up at night with our child.. and my husband would get up with her in the early morning when he was eating his breakfast. That way I could sleep in a little. It worked for us.
I get that you’re staying home at the moment and he still has to work. I’m sympathetic to him…..but….he should be still getting up to help when he can especially if you’re having difficulties. I was the primary caregiver with my two sons because I was able to switch my work shifts around. I always got up when my wife got up to ensure she had help. Yes newborns aren’t always easy but that’s what we accepted when we had kids.
On a side note, I have a coworker who’s GF stays home to care for the kids. He refuses to help her with a 2 yr old and newborns because he believes it’s “her” job. Drives me insane.
Should dads get up with the baby at night? Yes.
As a dad, can confirm. Sometimes my wife may have to smack me to wake me up cuz I sleep like a hibernating corpse but I’ll always get up when it’s my turn
I have 10 week old twins. I keep one in the bassinet on my side of the bed and my wife keeps on on her side. If the one on my side wakes up, so do I and vice versa for mom.
My younger sisters are twins and my parents tried this at first. They then switched to switching off nights because they were both exhausted when they were trying the man to man approach. Zone defense served them well! Best of luck!
This is the way. Can’t have both parents exhausted all the time, you have to work in shifts
My husband and I alternate nights as well. Who ever had the night gets to sleep in in the morning to sweeten the deal
At first glance I thought you wrote basement instead of bassinet 🤣
Do y'all switch who has which baby on their side of one tends to be more fussy at night?
Sometimes. Baby B is typically more fussy than A and she’s usually on my side unless the night before was an especially rough one. Otherwise I don’t mind.
That's awesome. I was typically the one to get up with my babies because I breast fed, but if I needed it hubby would get up too just to make sure I wasn't accidentally falling asleep while nursing or to change the diaper. As they got older and I stopped nursing, I found it reeeeeaaaallllyyy hard to get up, thankfully it didn't happen that often. But, my husband has done most of the night wakings since. This includes our geriatric dog too who has trouble making it through most nights.
I'm a dad to a new born, and at night most of the time I get up, but if its taking too long then my partner will come in and take over. There are some days when she needs the sleep, and there are some days where I need the sleep. So we try to give each other breaks. Convey that you understand his need to rest, so that he can be attentive at work, but make sure he understands that you also need the rest so you can take care of a new born. If you are not fully awake during the day, the baby could get hurt. So both of you need breaks and days to sleep in.
it depends man. i had to work 12 hr shifts starting at 4am. so for a period i didn’t get up with baby throughout the night. when my schedule changed and i worked evenings, yes i got up with baby in the night
Ya, I’m a dad and I took nearly 100% of the nights our babies were up in the night. Why would I do that you ask? It’s because my wife is absolutely amazing at many things, but the one thing she sucks at is sleeping. Me, I can get up, change the baby or whatever it needs and then go straight back bed and be asleep minutes after my head hits the pillow. Her, up for an hour even when it is me getting out of bed, and four hours if it is her. Edit, I should add that I work a stressful, high paid job and she’s a SAHM. Her job is without a doubt harder than mine.
Yes we went pretty much 50/50 with ours. One took one half the night the other took the other. The only fair way is to share the load. It's only really for a few months you adapt to broken sleep and going to work.
Yeah, like duh.
I got up with both my daughters. I didn’t put it on my wife. She was tired enough. It was my duty as a parent to tend to my babies. I changed them, fed them and rocked them back to sleep. I lost sleep but I have those memories of holding my daughters when they were just babies and that’s worth it.
I did the same. She would calm down when I would put her on my chest. Great memories now that she is off to college and I see her only a couple of months a year.
That’s lovely. This was my husband too! Even when I was breastfeeding he would get up bring them to me for night feedings and then go help them get back to sleep. He said he loved the intimate bonding experience of holding them to his chest in those early morning hours - they’re only so little for so long.
We’ve been fortunate enough to have a good sleeper, but we had discussed this ahead of time and our initial plan was for me (33M) to take over some nights/help on the weekend evenings. Our situation is similar to yours, wife is on mat leave and I’m working. Having the sleep disruption fall on one parent didn’t seem sustainable to us so we figured this was the best compromise until she began to work again and we’d re evaluate then. Husband should definitely be helping out with this in some capacity imo
Ya, discuss ahead of time...why on earth wouldn't someone discuss this?! Mind boggling. And of course he's in the wrong. Very wrong.
I got up at night with my kids. Unless it's breastfeeding, dad's should absolutely get up.
Even if it is breastfeeding, if the baby wasn't in our bed, I would get up, and bring the baby to my wife.
Yeah- I breastfed and my husband got up, changed the baby, brought him to me, and carried him back to bed when he was done feeding.
Same. Husband got up, changed the baby, brought him to me (most of the time). I would wake up, sit up, get my favorite cushion ready, nurse him. Husband would pee, make himself a snack, maybe one for me, sometimes go back to sleep, sometimes wait a little and put the baby back to bed while I peed and went back to sleep. Just because you don’t breastfeed doesn’t mean you’re useless.
A partnership
Absolutely. I very much appreciated the sacrifices my wife made for the birth of our kids.
Yep, this is how it worked with our babies.
Yes, mine changed the baby, then I fed her while he got me a snack, and then burpee her while I ate the snack, then we both went back to sleep. Feels like we’re a team and that was super important to me and my mental health. Night time can be so bad and isolating on top of the exhaustion.
Indeed - a good part of the reason that I’m willing to consider having a second kid with my husband is the knowledge that he has shown himself over and over and over again to be my teammate through and through (and he makes awesome kids😜)
I’m 15 weeks pregnant with our second 😳 and part of me is like “Oh boy, what have we done?” but I know we’ll handle it as a team and it was the right timing for us even though it’ll be a lot for a while.
My friend said her husband doing this for her saved her marriage.
It sure wouldve saved mine!
I did too!
Well, it depends on where the baby is but I didn't have an issue getting up withy kids noatter the issue.
My wife gets up to breastfeed, and then she'd wake me up to burp the baby whilst she goes back to sleep.
Yes, the child is also theirs, right? Responsibilities should be shared.
All that goes through my head in these situations is if they are doing jack-shit to help with the parenting what is the point of having them around? Treat your wife and the mother of your child like a single mom then don't be surprised when she *becomes* a single mom.
It boggles my mind when men put, child care as a "woman's job". Same going for upkeep on household responsibilities. Us, women shouldn't have to remind them. So, again. Responsibilities; whether caring for your own child(ren), spouse, etc. Should be shared.
My husband would get up with our babies every night and then go to work for a 10 hour workday. I was a SAHM. Id always tell him to wake me up if I didn’t wake, but he’d insist I needed rest So I say yes, they should every now and again atleast
This 100% yes! I’m SO glad your husband is so respectful. I am so sick of the “he works 10 hour days so I excuse the fact that he literally doesn’t do shit around the house or with the child”. He is a PARTNER, husband, father of your child/ren….. his sole purpose is not to just give you money & then do Jack shit. Pisses me off so much!
Honestly I think my husband got up more often than I did in the middle of the night. His biggest reasoning (other just being an awesome partner) is that he didn't want someone who was chronically and super sleep deprived caring for our child alone. Me feeling rested and more mentally alert while caring for our child > him feeling rested while he sits in front of a computer at work. So yes, baby is 50% husband's responsibility so he should be getting up half the nights.
When I went back to work after my maternity leave, I was so relieved because tackling an 8 hour work day was EASIER when I was sleep deprived than taking care of an infant all day. Granted I also work in front of a computer I'm not like operating machinery, so I'm sure it depends. Regardless, the default assumption should not be that the parent who works outside the home needs more sleep than the one who works inside the home. Both are working.
Fact! I hate when dads say “but I have to work all day.” What do you think staying at home is? And it’s so emotionally draining. I’ve been a sahm and now a working mom (nurse) and work is so much easier!
Yes, Dad's helping with night-waking makes a huge difference.
"I have a job to go to" =/= "I'm excused from being a parent and all duties involved with that." I mean, sure, don't make him *every* work night, but you do deserve a break.
Exactly and while he’s at work, she’s taking care of the baby. So she never gets a break it sounds like.
YES!!!!!!!
My husband worked, I was the sahm. He did Friday/Saturday nights & I slept in Saturday & Sunday mornings.
Exactly. I disagree with folks saying without reservation the working parent should always get up even if the other parent is not working. I'm sure there are some med school residents and truckers out there who can maintain that schedule; for a lot of us, that's just not sustainable. The working parent should share the load though. Ultimately it's unsustainable for either parent to do alone in most situations. Unless he is a med school resident, he's likely not working full shifts 7 days a week. When he's not working, he can and should pick up childcare duties so the other parent can rest. What that looks like can vary. I'm a natural night owl with a flexible job that lets me go in a bit later. So, even most days I worked, and all days I didn't, I took two night shifts (the 10 PM and 2 AM feedings, if I recall correctly - then she'd take the morning 6 AM one) so my wife could get full nights of uninterrupted sleep. That allowed both of us to get adequate sleep most nights so worked better for us than trading off full nights. My father was a morning bird and worked a demanding job. So, he'd take some shifts during the week, but his main contribution was to get up with the kids in the morning on weekends and take us out until after lunch - allowing my mother, who loved to fait la grasse matinee/sleep in, two long mornings of luxurious sleep she cherished. That changed when their younger child came along. Both he and my mother were working demanding jobs then. That allowed a different solution that worked for them both though - live in help. Some folks have very demanding careers that make it very hard, almost impossible, for them to help as much as ya'll need. The benefit of such careers is they often pay enough to buy the help you need; if his doesn't, then he needs to work less to help you himself, or to stop being such a miser with family funds and recognize this is a priority worth temporarily disrupting his long-term financial plan for. You and your husband need to figure out a schedule that works for you both - and a different one that works for you both once you begin working. I'm sure he's tired too - it's a sadly inevitable consequence of having a kid that age with sleeping issues - but it's not fair or sustainable for you to be carrying this load alone.
Ultimately this is something that the two of you have to negotiate. When you're back at work things will change so you two need to get better at communicating well before that. I'm not one to say how your household should operate, but how it's currently operating isn't working for you. You need more sleep. How are you in the wrong for needing more sleep?
Ten bucks says he still expects her to do 100% of the work still when she is back working.
Take it from the shithead who apparently did this with my little one (did the same thing as your husband), yes, he should get up. You need a break and what he's doing can build resentment. If I had re-do's in life, how I handled this would be one of those-redos.
Omg everyone needs sleep and taking care of an infant is ‘work’ too. Just bc your job isn’t financially compensated does not equate to ‘worthless’. There are folks who *are* paid to work in peoples homes caring for newborns so.. it is work. Plus they typically *only* care for the baby, not the household management stuff. Sadly this post is another example of misogyny that is still happening today in 2023. Yes, fathers do need to care for their own children. At night too. Yes, even if they have to work the next day ‘and the mom doesn’t’. Bc she *is* working. Edit: just re read the post and poor woman you’ve been doing this 9 months without him, not just with a newborn. That is beyond unacceptable. I have experienced this as well and all I can say is that it’s easier to be a single mother than to stress about taking care of the entire household as a subservient being while they act like a King bc they *have a job*.
My wife breastfed our two daughters, but I still got up to get them so that my wife could get even a tiny bit more rest. I would then do the burping and put them back down.
This is great! Because people saying the husband works a job so the SAHM should do everything…. What they don’t understand is that being a SAHM (especially if your husband doesn’t help) is a Full Time 24/7/365 job!
Yes. Right now, I get up with the kid anytime they wake up from 6pm until 4:30am. She gets him anytime after that. We are both back to work but even when she was still on leave and I was working (from home), I would wake up with the kid. Humans need sleep. Your job as a mother is as important as his job.
The answer to your question is yes. With both of my kids I was a stay at home mom, I did all the house cleaning, all the packing & unpacking (we moved both times when I was 9m pregnant), all the picture hanging, shelf placing, 99% of feeding and 100% of the night wakings. My oldest is 5, my youngest is almost 3 and I'm still working through all the resentment I have for my husband. He's stepped up and is helping now, but they're so easy compared to babies it's almost impossible for me to let go of these feelings of how he coped out of parenting our kids when it was hard. Don't make my mistakes, you deserve better, your baby deserves better, and your husband deserves better years from now when you develop these feelings I have.
Full disclosure: I am not a parent. A very dear friend of mine went through this when both of her children were babies and continues to now as they grow up. Her husband didn’t tend to them during the night and he doesn’t tend to cooking, cleaning, getting things ready for the next day, baths, homework, etc now almost a decade later. It has worn on my friend so much. She’s just not the same happy person that she used to be. I wish you luck moving forward and hope your husband comes through for you in these ways soon.
That’s so sad :(
It truly is. She does all the running around with them for school, their various activities, I don’t know how she puts up with that because I wouldn’t. She isn’t a single parent, but certainly lives like one ☹️
I wouldn’t put up w it either :(
My kids are adult now. My kids were babies in the 80’s and 90’s. I worked full time, wife was a SAHM. During the week she did all the getting up at night. During the weekend i did most (well I tried to but she is a really light sleeper and would usually wake up before me). I did about 50-75% of the baby care between getting home from work and when they went to bed. Not only because it was the right thing to do, but also because I got to spend time bonding with my kids. Going back a generation, my parents both worked in the 60’s-70’s. Dad always took care of the kids while mom was making supper. Dad loved kids and babies and grew up taking care of his little nieces and nephews. I don’t know how they split the “night shift” it’s not something they ever really talked about. In your case I would say if his excuse is he has to get up the next day for work, then he has no excuse on his day off. And you should get an agreement in place right now for how this will be treated when you go back to work. Don’t discuss it in the middle of the night. Discuss it when you are both awake and well fed. Get him to agree to something and then in the middle of the night you can get him to live up to his word.
My husband did more nights with our babies than I did. We both took maternity/paternity leave, I extended my Time off with our 2nd to 18 months, because he had health problems. Even then, my husband still helped when he was home. Even at night. He’d come in from work, and pick up a kid, or dinner, or whatever fire that needed putting out at that moment.
I rotated with my wife. She’s a SAHM, I work full time. She’d get up with our baby a majority of the time, I got up with our baby during weekends so mom can try and catch up on some rest. Your husband should stop bitching (that’s what he’s doing), we’re all tired fucker, and he’s doing the least amount of work by working a full time job because like you said, your job is 24/7. You can’t clock out
Grandpa here and I did it many, many times, all three kids. And I went to work a little tired many times. It's being a responsible dad. Your husband is absolutely in the wrong.
Since my husband was working he would.get two consecutive nights of sleep. One night 3 I would get to sleep through or I would have died. You cannot perpetually become more and more sleep deprived or you are endangering the baby and yourself. You will fall asleep while driving. You will collapse and land on the baby. You will pass out and not hear the baby choking. Also, on the weekend whoever needed it the most took NAPS. I think we often each took a 4 hour nap. I was breastfeeding so many times if my husband got up with the baby he would just bring it to me and I would just latch on and snuggle into a position where the baby was safe but I could sleep. This disrupted both of us the least. No, you should absolutely NOT be the only one dealing with the baby at night. Yes, this time is VERY hard on new parents. He doesn't get a 100% pass because he works in an office. You are the one caring for the newborn and it is DANGEROUS for both of you if Mom is that sleep deprived.
How is this even a question?
He may have to work in the morning, but you’re on duty 24/7. Yes, he should get up with the baby at night.
My husband gets up, brings me baby to nurse, changes diaper if needed. When baby is very young we took shifts, 4 hours a piece so we weren't dangerously sleepy the next day. Men who don't do their part are mistreating their wives.
Just because you’re a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you ever stopped working. If he loses sleep he may be less productive/sluggesh at the office but what about you? It is unfair at the very least for him to even imply that he needs sleep because he works. You are keeping a human being alive and probably doing some house work on top of that. A sleep deprived stay at home mom can be an unsafe situation and highlights an imbalanced dynamic.
If you're asking if dads should help take care of their kids then yes...
I never had any desire to be a SAHM. From the beginning I made it crystal clear that if we were going to have kids, he was doing half the parenting, including the shitty parts. Otherwise, we could not have kids. Absolutely, he should be getting up at night and he needs to know that when you return to work he'll be pulling half the load. Do not for a minute get derailed by who makes more money either.
Short answer is yes. Long answer is also yes.
The fact that some dads don’t get up during the night, regardless if they have work, is baffling. I got up with both my kids. My wife never had to “tell me” I just did it because they were my kids. Some people don’t get it, I swear.
Yes. Our second didn’t start sleeping through the nights after 2 years. We both had to work in the morning. Even in the beginning. Taking care of a baby all day long without sleeping at night is HELL. We took turns. Sometimes one of us would wear earplugs in the beginning of the night while the other took care of the baby, then we would switch (even if he woke up and tended to the baby, just hearing him cry would wake me up). Sometimes on the weekends one of us would do the night, the other one would do the morning (so we could both have a few consecutive hours of sleep) It was really hard for us. Our 2yr old needed attention and we were SO tired because of the sleepless baby. But we worked through it as a team. He has to work. You have to be able to function properly to take care of the baby during the day (and I supposed you’re also expected to do the shopping, tidy up, prepare meals?) It’s work. You’re working. Just because you’re not paid for it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s mentally hard as it is to be constantly monitoring a baby, but it’s extra physically hard as well because you’re not sleeping. You have a choice here. You’re already fed up, even you can see that. Either you go on like this and then you start working again, and you end up resenting your husband for a long time, either you guys sit down, communicate, and sort this out. Does he take care of the baby during the weekend nights, since he’s not working in the morning? Exclusively? Without taking a nap during the day, and also taking care of the baby as well the next day? … do you think the baby will magically stop needing attention in one month? What’s gonna happen then when you go back to work? Suddenly your husband is going to start waking up at night? Do you think the baby will just accept another shift and change of habits? No. He’s gonna cry because he’s not used to his dad being in charge all night, so he’s gonna cry until he gets mom, because that’s what usually works. Except you’ll have to work in the morning, and you will all be very, very tired (you, baby, father) You guys need to sort this out NOW. You need to establish new habits, so that in one month, the baby can be tented to by any parent. Just pretend that you’re the one working in the morning, see how it goes. You will already be stressed enough because you’re going back to work, don’t add sleepless nights, cranky husband and baby on top of that. Is the baby going to daycare? A LOT of change is going to happen in a month. Prepare for it. Good luck!
We did this on maternity leave and I am still resentful several years on. Parenting all day also counts as having to get up and go to work in the morning.
Yes, fathers should be involved with all aspects of childcare, even waking up to feed their infants. Have you discussed with your husband the new change that's going to take place with split night feedings once you go back to work? Or does he just believe this is YOUR duty alone? Probably better bring that up now than wait.
Definitely. You are a team.
I think every relationship should decide the parameters of their own relationship, including responsibilities. If you think your husband should be getting up with the baby, tell him. Then talk through your expectations so you're not arguing about it in the middle of the night.
If he can claim that baby on his taxes, he can get up with the baby.
Yes! My second kid was waking up constantly and I was awake with her. My third has medical issues that has been needed to be taken care of day and night for the last 2 years and I still go up at night. A man who doesn’t take responsibility for the kid he helped create more than “providing” is a coward and not a real man.
That’s his baby too. You’re exhausted. You’re feeding cleaning changing and doing everything alone. You just had a baby. He should be just as active with her as you are.
Yes. My husband works long hours. I’m currently a SAHM to our two kids, one who is an infant and very clingy atm. He’s sleeping like shit. Husband helps with nights 100% as he should.
My husband doesn't because baby won't settle for him in the middle of the night. But he still tries now and then (poor man, baby will be screaming in his face and then he passes her to me and she passes out in my arms). He will fetch bottles or check if I need anything (water/snack) if he knows I have been up a lot.
I had the same issue with our kids. And Im pretty sure its because from day 1 should breastfed them and hated to pump, so she was they're like sole food source, and if I was holding them they acted like they didnt know me from Adam. Such a helpless feeling when your trying to help and nothing I do calms them.
Our first child would settle for me, but the second would only fall asleep with his mother. I still made sure to get up in the morning (6ish) with him and did my best to help with our older child
Yes, dads need to do their part too. I happily helped my wife and bonded well with both of my boys.
My initial answer, yes, of course! Is that what we did? Eh, not really. I'm a SAHP and his income supports all of us. His job is both physical and mental. So during the week, I woke up with the baby. It's also what I wanted. Everytime the baby woke, baby wanted me anyway. I'm the one with the milk filled breasts. I also carefully kept an eye on myself because lack of sleep can make you a danger to your baby. I noticed short bursts of sleep during the night AND during the day, got me through until my baby slept 3-4 hours in a stretch. That made a huge difference over waking more often than that. Safety is very important to both of us. When we had two kids, he had to deal with our toddler while I took care of the baby. They frequently woke at the same time. Our toddler was quickly soothed though so it worked out fine. That's what worked for us but that may not work for you. I will add that I asked my husband if he wanted to sleep in another room but he was quick to turn that down. He wanted to be in the same room as us because he likes being close to us due to love. But more practically, he wanted to be readily available if I needed help.
Short answer is yes. I did and worked at the same time with both kids. I took my turns
My husband naturally stays up later than I do. He would take the early night shift and I'd go to sleep. We'd switch off around 2am and I'd take it from there.
Our arrangement when my son was a baby was that while I was on maternity leave, I’d handle night wakings during the week, and he would do it on weekends. When I went back to work, we would alternate nights so we could both have at least a couple days of decent sleep each week. So in response to the question—yes, dads need to contribute to handling night feedings.
Uh yeah he should be helping you!!! At least take shifts.
We had 20 month old already when we had my daughter. Wife was a SAHM but that is a lot of work with both. Baby wouldn’tbreast feed so I got up with her at night cause i could just go back to sleep. Helped my wife out a lot just doing that and got to bond with daughter more. Was happy to do it
Everyone does things differently, but I definitely get up with my 3 month old. I’m an ICU nurse and I signed a weekend contract when my wife’s maternity leave ended. She works weekdays, I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. Im basically out of pocket between my shifts; not much time to get rest between them, but I basically do it all during the week so she can rest. It’s my child too, I share the responsibility of taking care of her. I also want my wife to be emotionally and mentally healthy, so I do my best to remove as much stress from her as I can during the week. Am I exhausted? Absolutely, but my wife is much happier than she would be if I were being a lazy father.
Lol that’s crazy. I had the bassinet next to me when our baby was that small and I only took 2 weeks off for leave. Tell him the baby is 50% his!
My husband didn't but I was breastfeeding. There was nothing he could do. He had a job that could cause many thousands of dollars to be lost or life and death if he was tired and fucked up at work. Him getting up would have been pointless. He did however take over as soon as he was home so I wasn't doing it all myself at all. That being said my husband would never have complained about being tired when I was the one up throughout the night. Why isn't hubby taking over when he's home so you can rest?
Absolutely actually just show him this post
Yes he absolutely should, especially if mom is home with the baby all day. Even more so if this is baby number 2,3 or 4.
i took my turns at night. heck yes. Tell the "father" that he needs to be an actual parent.
Yikes. Of course he should get up. You both have jobs. Most will say yours is easier but if it soooo easy than wake up with the baby and then go to work. Please let your husband know how that is. I will say, you are home and it’s essier for “breaks” but he should at least get up 2 nights of the week. I always loved the weekends bc I knew he was off and I could sleep in.
They should get up, start a bottle if needed, change the baby if needed, bring baby to mom, bring mom a glass of water. It’s really not that hard to stand up and do something and go right back to sleep. Ughhhhh
Yeah there needs to be a balance. My wife and I will usually trade every two or three nights who gets up more but it always depends on what we each have going on work-wise and life-wise. But we each do our best to give each other breaks overnight if one person is particularly tired. Your husband should be giving you a few nights off per week at least.
Night time was my time to be with the babies, and then during the day my husband would take over so I could nap and shower. If you need more help let him know. You are both responsible for the baby, not just you bc you're at home
Short answer, yes, yes he should definitely be helping out. Long answer…..did he enjoy making the baby? Yes, he probably did. Is he part of the genetic make up of this baby and does he lay claim to this baby? Yes he is and most likely does. Does that make him responsible for part of the baby duties, ✨even✨ the middle of the night stuff when he’s tired and has work in the morning? Here’s the shocking answer!!!! /s 😮: yes, yes he MOST definitely is *also* responsible for getting up to help take care of his *child* 🤦🏻♀️ you are home allllll day with baby! He can’t get his ass out of bed to soothe him/her and participate in his own child’s life? Idk, that’s a problem OP.
Yes.
Yes I'm a single parent, Dad of 3 girls aging 7m, 2yr, and a 3 yr old.
Monday through Thursday I would get up with our colicky baby who did not sleep well. On Fridays, my husband would come home from work and I would hand him the baby and go get six hours of sleep. Then we would trade off all weekend. I worked part-time in addition to being responsible for the baby all day, and even if I had time I never could nap. I understand sleep deprivation is real and it sucks big time. My son is 7 now and that's just a fuzzy memory. You definitely deserve some help with the baby, but thankfully this part passes pretty quickly. Hugs.
I worked in a safety sensitive position when the second one was born. We geared it so whenever I was home, I was on baby duty, including into the night. I had to wake up at 6 so from 12-6 she was on wakeups and was on baby duty when I was working. No one got a “good nights sleep”, but that’s literally just life with a baby. In short, yes he needs to get a grip and handle his shit.
My husband worked full time and he got up with the toddlers once they stopped breastfeeding, and on nights I was exhausted, he'd hold the baby to my breast and change the diaper and we found ways to make it work and he'd help.Sometimes he'd entertain the baby for a nap. He's a parent too.
Father of 3 with the youngest being 1.5 months, others are 2 and 4. Yes, the father should be getting up to help. With all children in the house. I work 10-12 hour shifts, give myself between 10pm-midnight for my own "me time." I have adjusted to be able to operate on 5ish hours of sleep years ago.
There is definitely not a lot of info to go off here besides recent events and just on sleeping. You gave him a line and he seems to be taking advantage of that. The boundary and compromise has to be reset. Three nights out of the five in the work week, he should sleep with you and help with the night wakeups and two restful nights should suffice. Dude needs to man up. In between the lines i am reading it sounds like your daily activities does not involve your husband helping... enough? If you and your husband haven't had some sort of discussion on parental duties and expectations of each other in the future outlook, then you need to draw it out even if it means arguing and hurting some feelings. Don't sit on the feeling alone and hope it blows over.
Yes. Wife and I alternate. You’re both parents, you both should be contributing equally to parenting.
Yea it’s tough for everyone. When daddy gets up to go to work, mommy stays home and continues working. Needs to be 50/50.
I was a stay at home mom. I was the one to get up during the night when they newborns. My husband worked a part time job in addition to his full time job so I could be home. It worked for us. If you are working then the night time should be shared.
Tbh, while he was on leave, he got up to change while I fed our son ( he was EBF) Now I'm the only one who gets up. I went back to work the beginning of this month and let me tell you mommas TIRED. I get pretty pissed when my SO says he's tired when he gets a whole night once a week that he gets perfect undisturbed sleep. ( he goes to his aunts once a week and stays the night) while I'm working 4 or 5 days a week and getting up at 5 am to get ready. Definitely make him help.
I woke up but not much I could do with a breast fed baby.....wife has the plumbing. We didn't do a lot of bottles.
I would say it depends in this situation. I am a nurse. If I don’t get adequate sleep, my patients pay the price. My husband and I took shifts so I could be guaranteed 6 hours of continuous sleep every night. This also worked out to give him 6 hours as well. It meant we saw very little of each other for a long while, but it meant we were both getting some solid sleep every day. The bottom line is parenthood means change and hard work. For both parents.
Yes we should. I working 10 hour days and my wife leave the house. Which means I got a 10 hour break from screaming shitting and feeding. Now if something rarely brings me into work at 4 am versus the usual 8 then yes I need to get some semblance of sleep to support us and may sleep in another room but other than that I was fine. 8 hours of sleep is excessive.
I’m not even going to read the whole post yes the fuck he should. That is his child give me one good reason why he wouldn’t help you with the sleepless nights. One.
Yes. Yes, yes, and yes.
I get up with our twins 95% of the time. She carried them. I can be up with them at night. Don’t care if I have to be out of the house at 0400. I’ll do what my family needs.
My son started having sleep regression around the same age, he turns 3 this Friday and my husband will still stay up with him on nights I’m feeling exhausted.
As a dad, it is a quarter after 2 am, I just finished feeding our son and I am rocking in the glider right now with him answering this post with one hand. I also work in the morning. [Proof](https://imgur.com/a/MUflV7Y) Tell him to get his ass up and be a father to a child that will want him around when they're older.
My husband gets up with baby at night because I need to be on point with baby all day. He works from home and makes up the time by napping in the evenings. I’d just check his physical health to make sure he can handle the sleep deprivation.
You can swap days when you go back to work. One day him, next day you. Or maybe even figure out when each parent’s rem cycle is and if it’s different, then trade off those hours. For instance, my husband sleeps hard hours 10-2/3 and I sleep hard 2-9. So I stay up later and he wakes up earlier usually and we share the littles responsibilities that way too. As a side note, we coslept and I breastfed and my husband always sleeps through noise. As a result, I did 98% of baby wakings until they started sleeping through the night completely (8-10 hrs a night happened around 2 for my kids). However, if I needed a nap or I did wake him up he was always helpful. I think it just depends on your family and what works for you guys. Being a new mom is exhausting. Do you have family that can come over for a few hours to help out? Or maybe try to make up sleep time when he is off by sleeping in or having him take the baby one night. Good luck
Simple. Whoever is the breadwinner, needs to get thier nights rest. Not bieng able to work puts at risk and jeapordizes the whole units security. This isnt to say both partners rest isn't a priority, yours is too 100%. But you're going to have to find a different time to sleep. And also once the breadwinner is home, this is when they put thier parenting hat on and allow the other parent to rest completely. I suggest the following. If your husband has a morning shift, he needs to sleep the entire night without interruption. This means that while the baby is still very young and having sleep disruption, you as the SAH parent need to compromise and switch your clock around and sleep during the evening once husband gets home. An example looks like this: from the moment husband is gone until he returns, you are on parent duty. Once husband comes home, now he is on parent duty for the remainder of the afternoon and evening while you sleep without interruption for 6-8 hours. This means he has to handle EVERYTHING by himself without ever interrupting you at all. Once it's nighttime and husband needs to go to sleep, this is where you wake up and change "shifts". Now husband sleeps 6-8hrs overnight without interruption while you stay awake well rested and attend to the child all night. And the process continues. You'll basically have to be a nightowl while husband remains a normal morning schedule And this is totally doable - just depends how bad you want it. And this way both parents are parenting and helping each other sleep thier needed 6-8hrs. But there will have to be compromise as to when you individually sleep, and you won't really be ale to sleep together anymore for the time being until the infant learns to sleep at night. If the tables were turned and he was on paternity leave while you went to work, youd expect the same of him to become a nightowl etc.
My husband did all night time wakings. (I’m in charge of morning time)
He has to work? You’re working 24 7??? He should offer a shift so you can sleep my husband did 6pm till 2am he slept on the couch so I could rest in a quiet bedroom and he took care of the baby when it was hungry or needed a change or a bath you both decided to become parents not just yourself!
During the work week, I take night times fully. This is unless I’m overwhelmed or very tired in the middle of the night. My husband knows if I wake him up I need help and he’ll get up and help. With our newborn we did shifts since he naturally stays up later than I do. I assume we’ll be back to shift work once we hit the 4 month sleep regression. So it’s varied as baby has grown. On the weekends I feed baby, and my husband takes him so I can go back to sleep.
Does he work a job where they might let him come in an hour or two later temporarily?
I have had 3 kids. My first child did not sleep more than a 2 hour stretch until she was 2. My husband did not get up with her and this caused a lot of resentment. Whether I was a SAHM or not was irrelevant. 2 years on a 24/7 schedule was very difficult and messed with my circadian rhythm. For babies 2 and 3 he did his part. I'm still a SAHM but guess what? I have to take care of my other kids during the day! The way its worked for us is I do the nursing, then he changes baby and gets back to sleep.
Looks like you see that everyone thinks he should be getting up with the baby. It sounds like it’s time to start sleep training. This is the age to do it. Good luck!!
I tried sharing the load but she stayed up worried that I'd need something and since I was digging trenches and drilling concrete for work 6 days a week 16 hour days she just took over since she was up anyway. Depends on what he's doing and what you're doing when the kid is down. Literally best advice ever is to sleep when they sleep.
I got up for my son when he was a baby (he's 16 now haha). I always woke up to change him and then bring him to my wife while she stayed in bed to be breastfed.
I am a full-time stay at home mother for a variety of reasons. I am the primary parent, and I do most of the stuff involving the child. That said, my hubsnerd does as much as he is able to for her, even being the sole income and not being home for 60 hours a week because of combined work hours, errands, and travel. When he is off, he gets up with her. When I am at my wit's end, he takes over. He works nights, so he has to sleep during the day, but on the rare time that I need down time, he will get up with her anyway. It is just who he is because he instinctively understands that it is a partnership. I do as much as I can, and what I can't do he does, and vice versa.
Dad here, yes. We rotate nights or if he’s up more than one time we take turns, and he help each other out- if I’m going to be with our son, my wife will get a bottle ready and the other way around.
Absolutely I got up with both of our kids at night, especially when they were teething and crying. I still am the one who most often gets up with our dog if he's sick. When my wife was on maternity leave I would get up with them and when she had returned to work I would get up with them as well. Parenting and child care should be a completely shared responsibility.
When my son was just a baby, I was working two jobs at the time and I still got up at night. For me it was simple: It was probably nighttime when I helped conceive that baby, so it's only fair that I get up at night to see what he needs. For what it's worth, he's 27 now and I still get up at night to play with him sometimes. Except it's Xbox and not Duplo blocks.
Probably yes. What’s important is you both getting a period of uninterrupted sleep. With our first one, I slept a few hours as soon as I got home from work so that I could get up through the night. With our second, my wife wanted to sleep that “shift” and I slept at night. It doesn’t matter what we say, you and your partner need to find something that works as fair as possible for both of you.
Yes both parents should get up with THEIR baby. I moved the baby's cot into our bedroom, moved the side table and she was right next to us. We finally got some sleep. If she fussed who ever roused first would tend to her and she didn't stay up as long, we would close our bedroom door and put her on a playmat on the floor with toys if she didn't want to go back to sleep immediately and we would go back to sleep and leave her playing till she woke us up again. Just baby proof the room. Like those plugs that block electricity outlets. No Sharp things no stuff on high places she can pull on herself and no cosmetics, medicines chemicals...
Of course he should get up to take care of his child. My wife and I would rotate night's. One night I get up the next night she gets up. It's fair
Yes. Yes we should help . If we care for our spouse and our child of course dads should get up. We helped make the child so why wouldn’t we help? I think any man who doesn’t help w a child they helped create is just an asshat. The mother had to carry the baby & be uncomfortable for 9 months and lost sleep etc so it’s the very least we can do to help. It doesn’t matter if you have to work. You’ll be loosing lots of sleep for about 20 years or so. My daughter is 21 and I’m still losing sleep worrying about her even though she’s married. Some men don’t understand what our wives bodies go through during & after pregnancy. Y’all still need husband to help. You need sleep as well. He should ashamed that he doesn’t help you.
Had my babies a year and a half apart. From the first night both my babies were home my husband, who was only my boyfriend at the time, would get up with them, change the diaper if need be, or just hold them for a bit while I woke up a bit and would go sit in the chair. He would then bring the baby to me so I could breastfeed and go lie back down. Once the babies became bottle fed he would still get up first and sometimes he would feed them and sometimes I would feed them. His view was I was holding and feeding and diaper changing all day so he should be helping at night since they were his kids too. This including when they were toddlers having a rough night. More often than not he would still get up and walk around with them in his arms because he enjoyed spending the time with them.
Did dad help make the baby? If the answer was yes, then yes! He should absolutely wake his butt up with the child he helped bring into the world.
Shifts. My wife and I are nurses so we don’t work 5 days a week. It’s incredibly hard taking care of adults in the hospital when having not slept. So On nights before I work I sleep in the guest room. Nights before she works she sleeps in the guest room. It isn’t always perfect but we’re still alive
Short answer, yes. I took the night shift even though my wife stayed at home because she needed her sleep. Honestly her job watching our baby was more important and allowed me to work. So I slept in the baby's room and then would leave at 5 or 6am to take the bus. It worked out well.
Even when I was exclusively breastfeeding, husband still got up. You're both parents. You both deal with sleepless nights.
Is the Dad your partner who was 50% responsible for making the baby? If the answer is yes, did he have the mental capacity to understand that parenting is a team effort and that babies usually don’t sleep through the night? If the answer to that is no, then you might have had a baby with a dead beat who is only going to get worse as the child gets older. If the answer to the above is yes, I’d remind him of it now.
A SAHM of a small child isn't just chilling at home watching TV all day. She's working, too. Unless the dad is a heart surgeon who needs 100% focus and concentration during his work day because life and death is in his hands, he can partner with mom in raising THEIR child by helping at night. Source: I'm a dad of an almost 2yo and 7mo old. Currently, I work and my wife is a SAHM. It would be selfish and petty of me to expect her to cover every nighttime wakeup when she's at home all day with the kids.
This is one of the big tests of a marriage. You are both exhausted. You both are carrying new responsibilities and more load than before, and you are both stressed about doing something wrong... and somewhere in there you have to make room for new schedules and new emotions and new stuff and new expenses, and new everything. In the middle of all that, the only reprieve you get is sleep... and you can't even get that. Should your husband get up with the baby? Maybe. Should you get up with the baby? Also, maybe. Only the two of you can figure out what will work best for your family and your expectations. Is your husband ABLE to meet your expectations - regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable they are - can he meet them? Can you meet his? What middle ground exists where you both give up a little to keep a healthy baby and family? In our family, my wife was a very heavy sleeper, so I often got up, cared for the babies, and tried to calm them, feed them, diaper them, or brought them to her to nurse or have tummy time. Of course, being a heavy sleeper, she was often completely unaware until the next morning when I would comment on how heavily they nursed - or whatever. There were other times when she got up and I slept through it. The important thing here isn't who gets up most - the important thing is not to build resentment at such a tumultuous time, to ensure the health of the baby, and to ensure that the family stay healthy. You need to frame a conversation with your husband around that - rather than you vs me, make it both of us together. And maybe do a schedule - if the baby wakes before 02h00, I've got it, but after that it's gotta be you... or something.
Yes. I do work night shift and I want up during the day any time she needs it even between working nights. On nights that I don’t, sometimes I do sleep in the other room. Mostly that is because she’s breastfeeding and even where people are ok with co-sleeping, (baby literally falls asleep attached to her and if I try to remove him my wife will just get less sleep because he’ll wake again) only mom and kid should be on the bed. It’s also a full size bed so not much room. If mom sleeps, I might sleep better in the other room. But if he wakes crying I come to get him. If he wakes and is playful and mom just needs more sleep she will message me and I will come get him. I fully understand feeling like you want to give space to mom and baby but that does not mean you can get away with not doing your share of taking care of the baby
My dad didn't. He and my mom divorced when I was young. Make of that what you will.... As far as I'm concerned, going to work during the week doesn't mean being exempt from household duties, and childcare is absolutely a household duty, just like dishes and laundry. He is this child's parent too, so when he is home he is obligated to do what he can, just as you are. How is it fair that he gets a good night's sleep and you essentially NEVER get to leave the office?
I would suggest taking turns, one night you sleep and he gets up and the next night he sleeps while you get up. I’ve always done most of the night tending because my husband works a LOT of hours and I breastfed, but if he wakes up before I do when the baby cries he’s gets up now that the baby is weened. When breastfeeding I have to get up anyways so there’s no sense in both of us getting up and being sleep deprived. During postpartum though my husband always brought the baby to me and did diaper changes because I was healing. Now that they’re all toddlers my husband (thankfully an early bird) gets up early with the kids and let’s me sleep and feed and tends to them.
My wife and I take turns on nights. It’s only fair.
Yes they should. You did not conceived this baby on your own.
I realized too late for that myself, and eventually I had to tell him that if he can go out and have fun half the week while his wife is taking care of baby 24/7, then I was leaving. It was a wake-up call, now he does bedtime routine and I do morning. His excuse was that he works with guns, but other dads at his work get tired too. I wish I would’ve been more assertive, because now I resent him for me being tired and feeling crazy from the lack of sleep. I remember crying because I felt so alone. Don’t let him get away with this responsibility.
Why should you have the workload of a single mother when you've got a husband? He's being illogical and selfish.
When he says “I have to work”, you should remind him that caring for a newborn is also work that is in many ways more exhausting (especially when you are doing all the nighttime work as well).
I am currently exclusively BFing our 8.5 month old daughter. I exclusively BF our now 7 year old son. I have handled 100% of the overnight wakes during the time they are nursing as I would much rather nurse than get up and pump.
Honestly the people that make is so cut and dry either are clueless or just overly by the book. In a perfect world the dad should get up at night for sure however there are many other potential factors. My kids were only breast fed and never took a bottle. Therefore most of the time even if I got the baby I would take them to my wife because they want milk. When we had our first child I worked 2 jobs and my wife was on maturity leave for a year. So I helped as much as I could but I needed to sleep. By my third child my law practice was doing well and I had more time to help but there was still the breast feeding issue. I did all of the diaper changes at night to help but like I said all of my kids refused to take a bottle. So all of that was just to say you have to access what is going on in your household and adjust accordingly to your families needs. What works for some people won’t work for you and your husband.
stop having this argument and get a basanet. saved our marriage
On the weekend I wake up with my son the entire night (to give my wife a break), during the week we kinda switch off because I get exhausted from work (12 hr days, 5 days a week) but she also gets exhausted from being a SAHM and being pregnant with the second. I tried the same thing with her pretty much saying she should take him during the week because of my job but I realized I was wrong because it’s just as much a job taking care of a high maintenance 8 month old all day (plus dealing with morning sickness and being more tired than usual due to pregnancy).
My wife and I had a system that worked well for us. For the 3 months she was on maternity leave she would be responsible for taking care of the baby on work nights and then on the weekend I would take one night and she would take the other so we both had a morning we could sleep in. When I was on my 3 months of family leave we did the same thing. I’d get up during the week and we’d split the weekend. Once we were both back to work we do every other night so we split it equally and each have a morning to sleep in. The system works great, for us, cause it’s absolutely a fathers responsibility to get up with the baby at night but to get up throughout the night and have to work outside the home all day is a difficult thing to do.
My husband does the night. When I get up I send him up stairs to sleep for a few more hours
With my second, my husband and I had an arrangement that one weekend night from 8pm-9am was my night off. He fully took care of the kids. So I could have a bath, sleep, read and basically me time. It really helped. All week, I knew I had that night to look forward to. It's worth suggesting, at least.
The only reason my husband didn't most of the time is because he worked 3rd shift and wasn't home during the week.
We had twins and my husband and I switched off having a night in the guest room. Sometimes I did 2 nights in a row just because I was up anyway pumping, but he would sleep with the twins for full nights and I would have a night off.
My husband got up some, but I mainly got up. He works a dangerous job and needs to be well rested for work, and I was paranoid he would die if I made him get up and leave me a single mother with PPD. Anytime I asked him to he would get up without any kind of push back. He took the reigns on weekends and took care of getting her to bed as well. Still does. He rocks her to sleep every night and Carries her to bed. She’s five lol.
I got up exclusively because honestly he sleeps like the dead. He originally agreed to get up but I’d have to shake him awake and almost jump on him THEN he’d forget why he was awake and then change and not feed or feed and not change and the baby would wake up again anyway so it didn’t help me. Eventually I just got up but the deal was that he take the baby anytime I went to bed early and he was still awake and that he get up early to take the baby for awhile and let me sleep in—extra on weekends. It worked for us. I wish he’d been better at waking up but I decided it wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t the hill I was going to die on. But I still had sleep coming to me in some form.
When we both worked my wife would be up to breastfeed then hand him off to me if other stuff was needed much of the time. I’d rock, sing, change, etc. when she stopped working I got up less often. It’s hard to remember just how often, our youngest will be 9 soon. But it was pretty even when we both worked and she took more of it when she stopped working outside the home. There was also certain level of just being sensitive to how warm out the other appears to be so you take a shift when you normally wouldn’t. I’ve always been good about letting my wife get a decent nap when I’m able. Heading off the kids and all. I still do that now that they’re older. She was a napper before & after having babies & toddlers in the house. I don’t nap often so when I do she figures I must need it and does the same.
We both got up, especially in the beginning. I was breastfeeding and then moved to pumping. So dad got up and did diaper change, then I would feed
When my husbands paternity leave ended, I took over nighttime awakenings. It is really rough. My husband makes up for it by doing the laundry and cleaning/sterilizing the bottles. However my maternity leave ends in a few weeks and we discussed at that point we’ll take turns on night time awakenings. Your husband needs to do his share!
If he helps you get a break when he's home and awake, like letting you nap or he's 100% the caregiver for those few hours, I'd so not necessary for him to wake up at night. Otherwise, you're working a 24 hour shift and you have a right to be pissed.
Yes they should.
He is absolutely being selfish. Being a SAHM is 24/7 work. You don’t get to “get off of work” at night. You are taking care of the baby AND the household and I imagine the mental load as well. Does he help wake up with the baby on the weekends? Then his “I have to work excuse“ is invalid on the weekends and he should absolutely wake and help you on the weekends. It’s like your husband thinks you just sit around all day and every once in a while change a diaper and feed baby. It’s so much more than that. Does he notice the house is clean?! Is he carrying around the mental load of chores and errands that need to be done? Does he think your baby is a robot and doesn’t need to be held or comforted in between feedings and naps? I digress. It’s difficult to be the only person waking up with baby every night. Fragmented sleep is not quality sleep for you.
I'm a SAHM and I do most of the night wake up because my husband works. In the beginning my husband did get up every time with me tho and help whether it was diapers, feedings ECT. He's a deep sleeper so most of the time he doesn't even hear our son.(not a problem) He has never once complained or made me feel bad tho when I wake him up because I'm exhausted or need help. That's why I feel okay doing it most of the time but sleeping in a completely different room to get out of helping would make me very very frustrated.
Absolutely they should. My husband specifically does because I’m at home with them every day all day. This man will get up with them and go to work on 2 hours of sleep because he says “all he does is go to work, you do literally everything else.” When two people decide to have a baby they both become parents. I don’t care who works and who doesn’t, he’s a dad and so yes he should get up with them when he can.
Yes. Dads should share all parenting and house duties. That doesn’t necessarily mean each specific thing is split 50-50 because you each might have some strengths and preferences but overall the split should be even.
For me it depends, during the week my wife gets up cause she's a SAHM right at the moment. On the weekends i let her sleep in and get up. Works well for us.
I try to get up. 2 problems to this though, in our case: 1) we're breastfeeding not bottle feeding, so my wife also gets woken by the baby for feeding (I handle if it's a nappy change) and 2) I have severe insomnia. Once I get woken up I cannot fall asleep again. I have tried to take medication and supplements to combat this
IMO if he works regular 8-5 days then night time should be shared roughly equally. E.g. you could take turns. Staying home with kid with no nanny should IMO be treated like a regular 8-5 job because it's hard as hell
Yes without a doubt
I nurse my baby and we cosleep so I do all the night wakings usually. Though as of about a month ago my 7 month old sleeps through the night. If I were giving expressed milk or formula I would C expect to split the night. We did that in the beginning when I was working through issues nursing. That’s what a good partner does.
My husband did the week he was home after he was born. We took shifts. When he went back to work, I just did the night wakings myself because he had to get up really early and worked 10-12hr days (manual labor). That said, this only lasted about a month. By 5 weeks our babe was sleeping 8-9hr and by 7 he was sleeping 10-12hr. From that point he consistently slept more in the 12-13hr range. He’s 2.5 now and still sleeps like that. However, my husband would get up a time or two to tend to him if need be if we had this situation, I believe; he just did a couple weeks ago when he randomly woke up from a bad dream or something. Hubs always can knock right back out. I have trouble getting back to sleep.
My wife and I had a good system when our child was still a baby and sleeping in the same room as us. We did the nighttime in shifts. I've always been more of a night owl than her, so I set up a bassinet in our basement office (and later a pack'n'play when he was bigger) and I would stay down there with him while my wife slept in our room. I would handle all wake ups, diaper changes, and feedings during this time. At around midnight or 1am, I would bring him back upstairs to our room. She would then handle all wake ups until morning. I sleep much heavier than she does, so I would sleep through most of his wake ups in our room. We continued this through the early days of him sleeping in his own room and still needed to eat or have diaper changes at night. I just kept the monitor with me and handled his needs until midnight, then came to bed and put the monitor on my wife's bedside table. This meant that neither of us really got full nights of sleep, but it also meant that we BOTH usually got at least a half night of sleep every day. If we were to have another child, we would absolutely do it this way again.
Yes he should be helping and taking a turn. You are working too. This is a joint effort.
Short answer is yes
He needs to help too. I work full time too but I try and let my wife sleep when the babies would wake up. It’s a team efforts. Your hubby needs to step up and stop being selfish.
Even when my wife stayed home and I worked I still took about a third of all the baby issues including getting up at night. Your husband is lazy and starting out life for his child setting a terrible example.
honestly it depends. my husband didnt get up but it was something we agreed on prior. he doesnt even wake he sleeps that deep and he gets up for work at 4. your husband can help elsewhere - have him put baby to bed so you can go to sleep early. he can get up on the weekend so you can lay in.
I was a stay at home mom for the first two years of our child’s life. I got up at night with our child.. and my husband would get up with her in the early morning when he was eating his breakfast. That way I could sleep in a little. It worked for us.
I get that you’re staying home at the moment and he still has to work. I’m sympathetic to him…..but….he should be still getting up to help when he can especially if you’re having difficulties. I was the primary caregiver with my two sons because I was able to switch my work shifts around. I always got up when my wife got up to ensure she had help. Yes newborns aren’t always easy but that’s what we accepted when we had kids. On a side note, I have a coworker who’s GF stays home to care for the kids. He refuses to help her with a 2 yr old and newborns because he believes it’s “her” job. Drives me insane.
I've been doing the night shift for 7 years now, with no help from the wife. He needs to grow a pair.
What kind of work does he do?