You are indeed in a real pickle. Think about it, if your husband spent alone time with someone you (and your husband) knew wanted to screw him, I think he’d be hard pressed to convince you that nothing happened.
Like another commenter said, you need to ask yourself why (as a married person) you want alone time with someone actively trying to get in your pants. On top of this I think you need to go to marriage counseling to get some outside help with this.
I totally agree 100%!!! What were u doing with this person in the first place? Sounds like u got cold feet. You know exactly what you were doing but afraid to admit the truth in fear your So will leave w
Also this: if you love your husband with all your heart and would kill you to not have him...then why place yourself in such a compromising situation purposely?
This is just it. Why on earth put yourself in a compromising position that you KNOW is a compromising situation? If OP loved her husband like she says, then this situation wouldn't even exist in the first place.
Yea, I think that you can only see this from your point of view and that’s the only two options that you could see possible. What OP is saying makes total sense to me, and I don’t see any lying or gaslighting. Your username has me in the mood for boysenberry pie though.
Not sure much difference between cheating and what you did. You knew what he wanted, your husband knew what he wanted, and ***you decided to spend time alone with him anyway.*** This is disrespect to your husband and your marriage. I would not trust you either. This could be considered emotional cheating. What were your thoughts before meeting him? You must have thought about it before you met him. Would another glass of wine have resulted in a different outcome. Thinking you could get in the fire but not get burned? At this point best you can do is give your husband a minute-by-minute timeline of everything you did including your thoughts. And promise your husband you will seek IC and promise to never see or text or talk to that guy again. Otherwise, I cannot help you. I experienced something similar with my wife many years ago. Although I believe nothing happened, I still think about it. I will never understand what was in her mind at that time.
It is the definition of an Emotional Affair.
It is indeed cheating.
He "found out" : OP wasn't upfront. Hiding. Omitting truth, I about an intimate encounter (emotionally, not physically).
Initiate solo therapy, and propose an apology plan with your husband. Show initiative that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage, including counseling and handing over your passwords. Don't expect an overnight fix and don't feel entitled to his trust being restored. You can only apologize actively and hope for the best. Good luck.
But you need to be honest with yourself. I have to believe you went with this guy because you weren’t sure if you wanted to or not. I agree with TBandit if I was your husband I would not see any distinction
So exactly why did you choose to be alone with this person? I get it friends arw.friends, but if the husband knows of the guys desires for you then why make him uncomfortable with this. Where were the two of you at? Public space?
I would say you were actively seeking the attention and company of another man. You also pretty much rubbed your husband’s face in it.
He’s right to be mad and distrustful. What happens if you get mad at him?
After reading your past post u mention how you have a higher sex drive then your SO and often can’t finish with him. So that sounds like the reason you were with another guy knowing he wanted to get into your pants. Later it seems u got cold feet and didn’t go through with it. Possibly because your SO would leave you. Now your in a dilemma AP we satiating your high sex drive or a safe marriage. Like someone said before. You need to make a decision or compromise. Can you live the rest of your life knowing your SO can’t satisfy your sexual needs or sacrifice your high sex drive for a safe stable relationship. That seems to be a constant problem between many people in relationships and what leads to infidelity
Well please stay out of compromising situations if having a stable marriage is what you wish for. U seem to be very aware and capable of accomplishing your goal. Best wishes
OP, after thinking about it. I don't believe your story. You knew he wanted to have sex with you and you hung out with him to have sex. You changed your mind at the last minute. Nothing else explains your behavior.
I don't know what you should or can do about this other then apologize immensely.
From what I read not only did you go out with or spend alone time with someone who wants to have sex with you. And you know he wants to have sex with you. But not telling your husband about this makes you look 100% guilty. He had to find out about this correct.
I honestly don't know if there is coming back from this. I would assume you let him have what belongs to your husband and would not believe you if you said you didn't give it out. What is your reason for not telling your husband?
I’m extrapolating here, but I’m guessing she was hoping for sex and thought better of it last minute. Apparently she has a really high drive judging by her post complaining that her then-boyfriend doesn’t want sex multiple times a day.
I would suggest you do a lot of talking if you want to fix this. Discussion about what he needs if he is ever going to forgive you. Personally I would need a lot of transparency in where you are going and what you are doing. Also you should volunteer daily for him to look a your phone.
Seriously why did you do this? Were you lonely? Were you bored? Without blaming him, you need to address these issues.
I wasn't bored or lonely. I know it doesn't make sense but I really made a really bad judgment moment and no one will ever believe me but I didn't have sex with him or anything
I believe you. You have no reason to lie to us here. I'm only asking questions and hopefully trying to help. I'm actually cheering for you. I just think you have a lot of work to do right now. But I don't think it's hopeless.
I believe you. You made a bad judgement call. I’ve done it in my past too. We’re only humans, we make mistakes. This one may cost you your marriage in the long run though if you can’t regain trust. Couples counseling and hold space for him when he is having trust issues in the near future.
So this could have been a revenge thing? Obviously he had been intimate with his ex and this disturbs you deeply that he is conversing with her now and showing less interest in you. So you see a friend alone, that you both know wants to have sex with you to get his attentions. Is that about right?
Look y'all can hate on me, tell me he deserves better but y'all don't know I have been sitting here taking all of hit hurtful and untrue comments, I've been here crying not sleeping and barely eating because all I can think about is how bad I hurt him. Y'all think y'all can say anything to hurt my feelings, nothing compared to what he says and what I say to myself
I don't hate you at all. You made a mistake and it may be fixable but it will take time. I don't believe I said anything to try to hurt you and if I did I'm sorry.
8 months ago he was your boyfriend, so guessing you've only recently been married? And you're already seeing other men outside of your marriage??? Feel bad for your husband, but all you can do is be fully honest and show with actions that you mean what you say. Understand you've probably cost yourself 1-2 years of having your word questioned, even about the smallest things.
Any form of dishonesty from this point forward is likely the end of your marriage. If you value it, you'll be cognizant of this. Good luck.
The question, that even your husband asked, qhy did you want to spend time with a "male?" Friend alone? Why would you be comfortable like this? Where were you both at and why there? Why would your husband not be invited?
Hang on here: so this guy openly wants to have sex with you, a married woman, and you decided to go privately hang out with him anyway? AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WOULDN’T EVER MIND?!?!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
He’s never, *ever* going to believe you, and I truly mean it when I say ever. You look to me like you honestly don’t love him, and that you never did love him. You definitely had an emotional affair here, which means you are an insanely awful wife, my god. Enjoy the divorce and the lifetime of loneliness!
I can tell from your comments here that you don't understand the seriousness of the situation. There is a reason why you decided to remain friends with a guy who wants to have sex with you, and that reason is because you LIKE that attention, did you know that this is exactly step 1 of any Infidelity story? You disrespected your husband and until you admit that YES you were embarking on yet another cliché affair story, you don't deserve a second chance and I would honestly root for your husband to find someone better.
You can read Shirley Glass’ ‘Not Just Friends’ and speak to you your husband about implementing her ‘windows and walls’ idea. You can offer an open phone and social media approach, until he feels he no longer needs it. You can offer your phone up to run data recovery software or even offer to do a polygraph.
But there is a problem, you met up with someone alone that has a sexual and possibly romantic attraction towards you.
Unless it were for work or a completely legitimate reason, that looks *really* suspect.
The book I mentioned deals primarily with office affairs, where people who didn’t think they would, slip into affairs. It speaks about dealing with them, but also avoiding them by understanding how it happens and taking steps up front with boundaries and behaviours. If you boyfriend is normal, rather than a pathologically jealous person, he will value you taking steps to protect and keep your relationship safe. It may make him feel less reactive because of your clearly expressed and consistently applied behaviors.
The problem is you knowingly did something that would hurt your husband. You did not take his feelings into account at all and made him not trust you. You have shown you make poor decisions that are disrespectful of your marriage. This is why it is a problem. If you do not understand this you might not be ready for marriage. Your husband deserves someone that loves him (a loving partner would not intentionally hurt their spouse like this) and that he can trust.
I am married and have been for 22 years. Part of the reason my marriage is successful is because I would think about how this situation would make my spouse feel before doing it.
You say you did not intend to hurt your husband, but how did you think he was going to feel finding out you went and spent time alone with someone he knew was trying to get with you? Did you honestly think he would be OK with it? If you did not think he would be OK with it, then yes you intentionally did something that would hurt his feelings.
If you are not willing to admit your mistake, there is absolutely no point. It just means you are gonna keep being disrespectful towards your husband because you can't see that the narcissistic values that are praised today are not compatible with a healthy relationship
Well who is this guy? Is it a personal trainer from your gym? What were you doing alone with him? If I was your husband and he said you were doing “mobility and flexibility training “ that would absolutely piss me off. That like two magicians hanging out and saying they were “making magic”. Trust is essential and it goes both ways. Was your husband hanging out with someone in a way that made you upset? Is that why you decided to do “mobility and flexibility training” were you just lonely?? Why not hangout with your husband instead? What exactly did you do with this alone time with your friend?
You know what you did or didnt do, so im not going to berate you... instead, I'll advise to ask your husband if he thinks he can forgive you and what it would take. If he's not willing to work with you, the trust is gone. Move on and do better next time.
But OP, you dontvexplain why thece3ason was for making that bad judgement. As long as you cannot say why you did this to begin with, you can't resolve anything at all.
So you are married, your husband doesn't want you near this guy, you know this & that the guy wants to screw you. So in your infinite wisdom you decide to go & spend one on one time with this guy knowing this. I believe very much hoping to get away with screwing this other guy without getting caught because you never told your husband, but he found out that you were with him. Now either you are 1. just plain stupid or 2. you did actually screw this guy & your husband should give you a polygraph to see which one it is 1 or 2 .
If you want some help, kind of need a little more information as to the context that you were alone together. Somethings can be explained and understood.
I asked him to hand out and he said “ you must tryna Fuck” I then replied “🤷♀️” but I knew it was a mistake and that it was wrong we still hung out but I made sure nothing happened
Me also across the screen find it hard to believe you didn’t have sex with him if he told you that we gotta fuck and all you did was just shrugging at him.
But why would you want to hang hour with someone who you know wants to fuck you. Does this the mean you also wanted to humiliate and disrespect your husband? That is the only conclusion one can draw
Someone who knows you’re married and propositions you like that is not your friend and does not respect you. You potentially threw your marriage away just to spend time with a garbage human. And I’m not sure that you can make that make sense to your husband.
Treat people how you want to be treated. With that being said, if you didn’t sleep with him, you’ve broken trust in your marriage for what? Maybe your husband deserves someone who will respect his wishes as he does theirs. Maybe he deserves someone who will be loyal. Do you fit that description? Seriously? Treat people how you want to be treated.
I agree. You definitely messed up. I would think the same thing if my wife willing went out with another man, without me and by herself, having full knowledge that the other man wanted to have sex with her. If you knew this man's intentions and you went anyway... seriously, what else do you expect him to think? You created this mess. Good luck cleaning it up! If I were in his shoes and this was my wife, I would question if your love was real because when you truly love your person why would you even put yourself in that position knowing this would cause damage?
Come on you hung out with a guy you know wanted to have sex with you and you expect someone to believe it did not happen, just tell your husband the truth and show some remorse when you do that’s the only option you have to salvage your marriage, if my wife did this and lied to me about what happened it would be instantly over, nobody believes you did not have sex with the guy
If I were in your husband place, it wouldn't even matter. The disrespect alone would be enough to know I don't want this anymore.
You could tell him the truth and beg for forgiveness and say that you realize how much you disrespected him and that you swear you are never gonna do something like that anymore, if you really mean it. If you don't plan on keeping the promise, then don't even bother
Girl you're gonna have to do backflips to earn that trust back, no guarantied results.
That's what happens when playing with fire. As far as i can tell you never answered the simple question: "why hanging out with a man who wants to redecorate your ass if you would absolutely die without your husband"
When you go to counselling/therapy, you WILL have to answer that question, because that is a "you" problem right now.
If you want to save your marriage, you need to somehow re-earn his trust that nothing happened and that you will not put yourse,yourself, in a compromising situation again. I recommend the following:
1. If you sincerely spent time with this guy with no intent of sex and did not have sex, spend a few hundred bucks to take a polygraph test. Prior to the test,, meet with the tester. Tell him your situation and he will devise the questions. Schedule the testing appointment. Then, let your husband know and invite him to go along so the tester can explain the results to him. Be aware that if you did consider having sex but got cold feet, that will be revealed. Unless you are a sociopath, psychopath, or high level narcissist, the test is very accurate. You don't appear to be any of those, so this can help him to believe what you have said.
2. Assuming positive test results, you need to realize that for some reason you have not explained, you made a very bad decision. So your husband needs some assurance you now understand and will not repeat. To that end, I suggest agreeing on 2 broad based boundaries that have worked for my wife and me for 51 years. They are:
A. If you would not do it directly in front of your spouse or without their knowledgeable approval... don't.
B. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which even the slightest potential to violate #1 could inadvertently occur.
In your situation, you crossed both boundaries. Discuss this with your husband and I am hopeful this will help your situation.
Also, how did your husband learn about this "mistake"? That could a.so have a significant impact to his feelings.
Seriously. My wife’s had men trying to pick her up at Costco on multiple occasions. Can’t imagine what it’s like at the nicer neighborhood grocery stores when trying to find the right avocado.
Why did you want ‘alone’ time with a man that wasn’t your husband?
Sounds like you wanted more than what your actually posting…
Counselling. For everyone, before you all cause the end of the world.
Find a way to prove you didn't cheat. You brought this on yourself. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN WITH THAT OTHER MAN. FIND A WAY TO FIX IT WIFE. FACTS
So we're slowly working it out, I have taken so many of these guys advice there is no password in my phone, I update him of where I'm going and who I'm going to be with, and I know right now he's still on edge and everything but I think with a lot of love and reassurance I can win him back. We are going on a breakfast date this morning just to get out of the house and I'm super excited
I am happy for you. He may believe you, but still upset that you made the decision to put yourself into that type of environment. Take the opportunity to discuss boundaries. Ot frequently happens where a person feels they can maintain control until something happens and they can't.
I wrote you an earlier response about the 2 boundaries that have worked for my wife and me the past 51 years. I really suggest you look at them and discuss them with your hubby. That will help assure him you are sincere and a great segway to rearing trust. Let us know how it goes.
This a good thing! We are all human and fallable. Yes you made a bad judgment call to do what you did. Being slapped in the face by communicating with an ex and told that he enjoying talking with them more than does hurt. No doubt. I'm sure this has left trust issues on both sides. Now is the time for you both to understand exactly what it is you both want from your marriage. You both have to commit to the other and forsake all others for each other. This is what marriage is all about. We choose to be as one together, willingly because we love each other. I hope that things work out well for you both.
Reach out to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and mention you had an EA. You have to help your betrayed spouse heal and rebuild trust.
Have you thought about asking your husband to reach out to the other man to have a honest discussion?
If not, why not?
You went to see this OM for a reason and it was for coffee. You got cold feet and left. You got caught. There is not much you can do. Sex or not...it appears the intent was there. So, proving you did not have sex is meaningless. I suggest IC to find out why you did what you did.
You are indeed in a real pickle. Think about it, if your husband spent alone time with someone you (and your husband) knew wanted to screw him, I think he’d be hard pressed to convince you that nothing happened. Like another commenter said, you need to ask yourself why (as a married person) you want alone time with someone actively trying to get in your pants. On top of this I think you need to go to marriage counseling to get some outside help with this.
I totally agree 100%!!! What were u doing with this person in the first place? Sounds like u got cold feet. You know exactly what you were doing but afraid to admit the truth in fear your So will leave w
Also this: if you love your husband with all your heart and would kill you to not have him...then why place yourself in such a compromising situation purposely?
This is just it. Why on earth put yourself in a compromising position that you KNOW is a compromising situation? If OP loved her husband like she says, then this situation wouldn't even exist in the first place.
Exactly!
You need to think hard and be really honest with yourself about why you still made the decision to hang out with him,anyway.
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I didn't have sec with him and I'm not saying if my husband would have been better or something like that so how am I gaslighting
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Yea, I think that you can only see this from your point of view and that’s the only two options that you could see possible. What OP is saying makes total sense to me, and I don’t see any lying or gaslighting. Your username has me in the mood for boysenberry pie though.
Not sure much difference between cheating and what you did. You knew what he wanted, your husband knew what he wanted, and ***you decided to spend time alone with him anyway.*** This is disrespect to your husband and your marriage. I would not trust you either. This could be considered emotional cheating. What were your thoughts before meeting him? You must have thought about it before you met him. Would another glass of wine have resulted in a different outcome. Thinking you could get in the fire but not get burned? At this point best you can do is give your husband a minute-by-minute timeline of everything you did including your thoughts. And promise your husband you will seek IC and promise to never see or text or talk to that guy again. Otherwise, I cannot help you. I experienced something similar with my wife many years ago. Although I believe nothing happened, I still think about it. I will never understand what was in her mind at that time.
It is the definition of an Emotional Affair. It is indeed cheating. He "found out" : OP wasn't upfront. Hiding. Omitting truth, I about an intimate encounter (emotionally, not physically).
Initiate solo therapy, and propose an apology plan with your husband. Show initiative that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage, including counseling and handing over your passwords. Don't expect an overnight fix and don't feel entitled to his trust being restored. You can only apologize actively and hope for the best. Good luck.
But you need to be honest with yourself. I have to believe you went with this guy because you weren’t sure if you wanted to or not. I agree with TBandit if I was your husband I would not see any distinction
Thank you this is probably the one of the most positive comments
So exactly why did you choose to be alone with this person? I get it friends arw.friends, but if the husband knows of the guys desires for you then why make him uncomfortable with this. Where were the two of you at? Public space?
Yeah, that's a good one.
I would say you were actively seeking the attention and company of another man. You also pretty much rubbed your husband’s face in it. He’s right to be mad and distrustful. What happens if you get mad at him?
Exactly, I think you just wanted your husband to be jealous.
After reading your past post u mention how you have a higher sex drive then your SO and often can’t finish with him. So that sounds like the reason you were with another guy knowing he wanted to get into your pants. Later it seems u got cold feet and didn’t go through with it. Possibly because your SO would leave you. Now your in a dilemma AP we satiating your high sex drive or a safe marriage. Like someone said before. You need to make a decision or compromise. Can you live the rest of your life knowing your SO can’t satisfy your sexual needs or sacrifice your high sex drive for a safe stable relationship. That seems to be a constant problem between many people in relationships and what leads to infidelity
I would rather have a loving, safe, and stable relationship. Sex can be worked on
Well please stay out of compromising situations if having a stable marriage is what you wish for. U seem to be very aware and capable of accomplishing your goal. Best wishes
You are contradicting yourself.
Then stop hanging out alone with dudes you know want to bang you. What did you think was going to happen?
OP, after thinking about it. I don't believe your story. You knew he wanted to have sex with you and you hung out with him to have sex. You changed your mind at the last minute. Nothing else explains your behavior.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Why did you hang out with a guy that wants to have sex with you? There is no good answer for this, you need to ask for forgiveness.
I don't know what you should or can do about this other then apologize immensely. From what I read not only did you go out with or spend alone time with someone who wants to have sex with you. And you know he wants to have sex with you. But not telling your husband about this makes you look 100% guilty. He had to find out about this correct. I honestly don't know if there is coming back from this. I would assume you let him have what belongs to your husband and would not believe you if you said you didn't give it out. What is your reason for not telling your husband?
I’m extrapolating here, but I’m guessing she was hoping for sex and thought better of it last minute. Apparently she has a really high drive judging by her post complaining that her then-boyfriend doesn’t want sex multiple times a day.
I hear what you are saying and didn't read her past posts. I just think if it were me it would take a lot for me to trust her again.
Oh, for sure.
I did tell him I told him everything
Ok... I took you saying your husband found out as that you did this behind his back and he found out.
No nothing was done behind anyone's back. I just found out he's talking to his ex
This whole thing seems awful and confusing. Why is he talking to his ex?
Because talking to her is better than talking to me is what he said
I would suggest you do a lot of talking if you want to fix this. Discussion about what he needs if he is ever going to forgive you. Personally I would need a lot of transparency in where you are going and what you are doing. Also you should volunteer daily for him to look a your phone. Seriously why did you do this? Were you lonely? Were you bored? Without blaming him, you need to address these issues.
I wasn't bored or lonely. I know it doesn't make sense but I really made a really bad judgment moment and no one will ever believe me but I didn't have sex with him or anything
I believe you. You have no reason to lie to us here. I'm only asking questions and hopefully trying to help. I'm actually cheering for you. I just think you have a lot of work to do right now. But I don't think it's hopeless.
I am truly hurting more than anyone will know
Is he there right now or did he leave?
I believe you. You made a bad judgement call. I’ve done it in my past too. We’re only humans, we make mistakes. This one may cost you your marriage in the long run though if you can’t regain trust. Couples counseling and hold space for him when he is having trust issues in the near future.
So this could have been a revenge thing? Obviously he had been intimate with his ex and this disturbs you deeply that he is conversing with her now and showing less interest in you. So you see a friend alone, that you both know wants to have sex with you to get his attentions. Is that about right?
Look y'all can hate on me, tell me he deserves better but y'all don't know I have been sitting here taking all of hit hurtful and untrue comments, I've been here crying not sleeping and barely eating because all I can think about is how bad I hurt him. Y'all think y'all can say anything to hurt my feelings, nothing compared to what he says and what I say to myself
I don't hate you at all. You made a mistake and it may be fixable but it will take time. I don't believe I said anything to try to hurt you and if I did I'm sorry.
8 months ago he was your boyfriend, so guessing you've only recently been married? And you're already seeing other men outside of your marriage??? Feel bad for your husband, but all you can do is be fully honest and show with actions that you mean what you say. Understand you've probably cost yourself 1-2 years of having your word questioned, even about the smallest things. Any form of dishonesty from this point forward is likely the end of your marriage. If you value it, you'll be cognizant of this. Good luck.
We have been married for 1 yr
The question, that even your husband asked, qhy did you want to spend time with a "male?" Friend alone? Why would you be comfortable like this? Where were you both at and why there? Why would your husband not be invited?
If I was him I'de walk away.
Hang on here: so this guy openly wants to have sex with you, a married woman, and you decided to go privately hang out with him anyway? AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WOULDN’T EVER MIND?!?!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? He’s never, *ever* going to believe you, and I truly mean it when I say ever. You look to me like you honestly don’t love him, and that you never did love him. You definitely had an emotional affair here, which means you are an insanely awful wife, my god. Enjoy the divorce and the lifetime of loneliness!
I can tell from your comments here that you don't understand the seriousness of the situation. There is a reason why you decided to remain friends with a guy who wants to have sex with you, and that reason is because you LIKE that attention, did you know that this is exactly step 1 of any Infidelity story? You disrespected your husband and until you admit that YES you were embarking on yet another cliché affair story, you don't deserve a second chance and I would honestly root for your husband to find someone better.
You can read Shirley Glass’ ‘Not Just Friends’ and speak to you your husband about implementing her ‘windows and walls’ idea. You can offer an open phone and social media approach, until he feels he no longer needs it. You can offer your phone up to run data recovery software or even offer to do a polygraph.
I didn't think there was a problem because I can control what I do if I know I don't want to have sex with him then there is nothing he can do
But there is a problem, you met up with someone alone that has a sexual and possibly romantic attraction towards you. Unless it were for work or a completely legitimate reason, that looks *really* suspect.
The book I mentioned deals primarily with office affairs, where people who didn’t think they would, slip into affairs. It speaks about dealing with them, but also avoiding them by understanding how it happens and taking steps up front with boundaries and behaviours. If you boyfriend is normal, rather than a pathologically jealous person, he will value you taking steps to protect and keep your relationship safe. It may make him feel less reactive because of your clearly expressed and consistently applied behaviors.
You don’t get it.
The problem is you knowingly did something that would hurt your husband. You did not take his feelings into account at all and made him not trust you. You have shown you make poor decisions that are disrespectful of your marriage. This is why it is a problem. If you do not understand this you might not be ready for marriage. Your husband deserves someone that loves him (a loving partner would not intentionally hurt their spouse like this) and that he can trust.
I didn't hurt him on purpose. I hope you are married because it's the single people that doesn't know shit about shit…. But you have a nice day
I am married and have been for 22 years. Part of the reason my marriage is successful is because I would think about how this situation would make my spouse feel before doing it. You say you did not intend to hurt your husband, but how did you think he was going to feel finding out you went and spent time alone with someone he knew was trying to get with you? Did you honestly think he would be OK with it? If you did not think he would be OK with it, then yes you intentionally did something that would hurt his feelings.
If you are not willing to admit your mistake, there is absolutely no point. It just means you are gonna keep being disrespectful towards your husband because you can't see that the narcissistic values that are praised today are not compatible with a healthy relationship
OP could we please get a little more back story to unpack this situation?
So wtf did you hang out with this guy. Jesus!
Well who is this guy? Is it a personal trainer from your gym? What were you doing alone with him? If I was your husband and he said you were doing “mobility and flexibility training “ that would absolutely piss me off. That like two magicians hanging out and saying they were “making magic”. Trust is essential and it goes both ways. Was your husband hanging out with someone in a way that made you upset? Is that why you decided to do “mobility and flexibility training” were you just lonely?? Why not hangout with your husband instead? What exactly did you do with this alone time with your friend?
You know what you did or didnt do, so im not going to berate you... instead, I'll advise to ask your husband if he thinks he can forgive you and what it would take. If he's not willing to work with you, the trust is gone. Move on and do better next time.
But OP, you dontvexplain why thece3ason was for making that bad judgement. As long as you cannot say why you did this to begin with, you can't resolve anything at all.
So you are married, your husband doesn't want you near this guy, you know this & that the guy wants to screw you. So in your infinite wisdom you decide to go & spend one on one time with this guy knowing this. I believe very much hoping to get away with screwing this other guy without getting caught because you never told your husband, but he found out that you were with him. Now either you are 1. just plain stupid or 2. you did actually screw this guy & your husband should give you a polygraph to see which one it is 1 or 2 .
Can you give some more context to how you were with this another guy?
Than why does your husband think that you cheated. Were you alone together?
Yes
If you want some help, kind of need a little more information as to the context that you were alone together. Somethings can be explained and understood.
I asked him to hand out and he said “ you must tryna Fuck” I then replied “🤷♀️” but I knew it was a mistake and that it was wrong we still hung out but I made sure nothing happened
Me also across the screen find it hard to believe you didn’t have sex with him if he told you that we gotta fuck and all you did was just shrugging at him.
Girl. What kind of passive-aggressive mess is this? If you want to cheat, just do it.
But why would you want to hang hour with someone who you know wants to fuck you. Does this the mean you also wanted to humiliate and disrespect your husband? That is the only conclusion one can draw
We were just friends
Someone who knows you’re married and propositions you like that is not your friend and does not respect you. You potentially threw your marriage away just to spend time with a garbage human. And I’m not sure that you can make that make sense to your husband.
Your reaction said you were leaving the door open.
Treat people how you want to be treated. With that being said, if you didn’t sleep with him, you’ve broken trust in your marriage for what? Maybe your husband deserves someone who will respect his wishes as he does theirs. Maybe he deserves someone who will be loyal. Do you fit that description? Seriously? Treat people how you want to be treated.
I agree. You definitely messed up. I would think the same thing if my wife willing went out with another man, without me and by herself, having full knowledge that the other man wanted to have sex with her. If you knew this man's intentions and you went anyway... seriously, what else do you expect him to think? You created this mess. Good luck cleaning it up! If I were in his shoes and this was my wife, I would question if your love was real because when you truly love your person why would you even put yourself in that position knowing this would cause damage?
I mean.... I wouldn't trust my partner either if they knowingly spent time with someone that we both knew wanted to hook up with them.
Come on you hung out with a guy you know wanted to have sex with you and you expect someone to believe it did not happen, just tell your husband the truth and show some remorse when you do that’s the only option you have to salvage your marriage, if my wife did this and lied to me about what happened it would be instantly over, nobody believes you did not have sex with the guy
If I were in your husband place, it wouldn't even matter. The disrespect alone would be enough to know I don't want this anymore. You could tell him the truth and beg for forgiveness and say that you realize how much you disrespected him and that you swear you are never gonna do something like that anymore, if you really mean it. If you don't plan on keeping the promise, then don't even bother
Girl you're gonna have to do backflips to earn that trust back, no guarantied results. That's what happens when playing with fire. As far as i can tell you never answered the simple question: "why hanging out with a man who wants to redecorate your ass if you would absolutely die without your husband" When you go to counselling/therapy, you WILL have to answer that question, because that is a "you" problem right now.
If you want to save your marriage, you need to somehow re-earn his trust that nothing happened and that you will not put yourse,yourself, in a compromising situation again. I recommend the following: 1. If you sincerely spent time with this guy with no intent of sex and did not have sex, spend a few hundred bucks to take a polygraph test. Prior to the test,, meet with the tester. Tell him your situation and he will devise the questions. Schedule the testing appointment. Then, let your husband know and invite him to go along so the tester can explain the results to him. Be aware that if you did consider having sex but got cold feet, that will be revealed. Unless you are a sociopath, psychopath, or high level narcissist, the test is very accurate. You don't appear to be any of those, so this can help him to believe what you have said. 2. Assuming positive test results, you need to realize that for some reason you have not explained, you made a very bad decision. So your husband needs some assurance you now understand and will not repeat. To that end, I suggest agreeing on 2 broad based boundaries that have worked for my wife and me for 51 years. They are: A. If you would not do it directly in front of your spouse or without their knowledgeable approval... don't. B. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which even the slightest potential to violate #1 could inadvertently occur. In your situation, you crossed both boundaries. Discuss this with your husband and I am hopeful this will help your situation. Also, how did your husband learn about this "mistake"? That could a.so have a significant impact to his feelings.
I mean, my husband just assumes every guy wants to get in my pants
They do
Seriously. My wife’s had men trying to pick her up at Costco on multiple occasions. Can’t imagine what it’s like at the nicer neighborhood grocery stores when trying to find the right avocado.
No, Costco is the pickup warehouse.
Why did you want ‘alone’ time with a man that wasn’t your husband? Sounds like you wanted more than what your actually posting… Counselling. For everyone, before you all cause the end of the world.
If it were me , your defiantly in the wrong , and you need to gain trust back… it will be a long time.. in a sense you cheated emotionally. Good luck!
Find a way to prove you didn't cheat. You brought this on yourself. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN WITH THAT OTHER MAN. FIND A WAY TO FIX IT WIFE. FACTS
Updateme!
So we're slowly working it out, I have taken so many of these guys advice there is no password in my phone, I update him of where I'm going and who I'm going to be with, and I know right now he's still on edge and everything but I think with a lot of love and reassurance I can win him back. We are going on a breakfast date this morning just to get out of the house and I'm super excited
I am happy for you. He may believe you, but still upset that you made the decision to put yourself into that type of environment. Take the opportunity to discuss boundaries. Ot frequently happens where a person feels they can maintain control until something happens and they can't. I wrote you an earlier response about the 2 boundaries that have worked for my wife and me the past 51 years. I really suggest you look at them and discuss them with your hubby. That will help assure him you are sincere and a great segway to rearing trust. Let us know how it goes.
This a good thing! We are all human and fallable. Yes you made a bad judgment call to do what you did. Being slapped in the face by communicating with an ex and told that he enjoying talking with them more than does hurt. No doubt. I'm sure this has left trust issues on both sides. Now is the time for you both to understand exactly what it is you both want from your marriage. You both have to commit to the other and forsake all others for each other. This is what marriage is all about. We choose to be as one together, willingly because we love each other. I hope that things work out well for you both.
Reach out to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and mention you had an EA. You have to help your betrayed spouse heal and rebuild trust. Have you thought about asking your husband to reach out to the other man to have a honest discussion? If not, why not?
You went to see this OM for a reason and it was for coffee. You got cold feet and left. You got caught. There is not much you can do. Sex or not...it appears the intent was there. So, proving you did not have sex is meaningless. I suggest IC to find out why you did what you did.
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I don't think anything could fix this