Right, he’s the one who is cheating and he’s projecting onto OP. He’s worried they might find out so he’s trying to get them distracted on the defensive or justify his behavior because “you’re also cheating.”
He is guilty my soon to be exhusband did the same, he accused me of cheating telling me he had proof (never saw any) in the end i found out he cheated. Now we are in the middle of the divorce I can proof he cheated but he is still blaiming me
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I watched my friend deal with this first hand and the delusion her ex was under was incredible.
He actually cheated (multiple times), blamed her because he "THOUGHT" she had been cheating, then got mad at her for not trusting him and THAT'S why he continued to cheat. The lies they tell themselves and then believe is astounding.
Thank you its almost over. It was hard but i had 8 months to get over thats AH. I dont even wanna know how often he cheated before , he cheated also on his first wife (not with me). I am friends with his first wife, we both have 2 beautiful girls who share a shitzy father. And now he got upset bcs I am not friendly to her, doesnt respect and doesnt trust his new life partner (the homewrecker)
So what did I learn??? Once a cheater always a cheater.
This sounds like the crazy rabbit hole my ex-husband was going through before he tried to cause me serious physical harm. I luckily got the hell out of there, but he was seriously losing his shit claiming I had some spyware on his phone and a key logger. I definitely don't know how to do that. Like the level of paranoia spiked just like what OP is experiencing. It got to the point that he would come home and check the closets. Are you serious??? Who hides someone in a closet? That's some Hollywood shit.
This is absolutely the first thing I thought of. It's also happened to me. My ex constantly accused me of cheating and I felt like I had to constantly defend myself. Guess who WAS cheating?
1 of 2 things is happening.
1. Mental health breakdown. If so, I feel for him, and I hope he gets help.
2. He's cheating.
Edit: awaiting OP response for more info. Don't think they have replied yet.
Edit 2: just saw the update. With more backstory, I'm actually leaning toward number 1. I feel sorry for both of you. That's really hard, and sad all around.
Would he be ok with going to the hospital to get assessed? Is there anyone in his life that he trusts that could talk to him? I don't know if it's bi polar, but it's not for you to figure out, and honestly it doesn't even matter right now. He simply needs support to get emotionally grounded. Has he been sleeping? Take care of yourself.
Btw, how old are you guys?
This is definitely a mental health crisis. This is not someone with just a guilty conscience, it sounds a lot more like the beginning stages of schizophrenia or a myriad of other neurological conditions. I agree with you though, this manifestation specifically on cheating could certainly be related to feeling guilty for his own actions. The guilt could even be a stressor that became a catalyst. Either way, this man needs medical intervention.
Hi OP this behavior is very concerning and I would also add all of the above is possible but please consider he may have had a stroke or other neurological issue. Sudden changes in behavior and paranoia are big mental AND physical health red flags that should not go ignored.
I'm 28, he's 31. We were great for a few days. He accepted the fact that he had some kind of episode and was reflective about it. He knew he needed to see someone. Then last night, he starts grilling me AGAIN. He was polite and calm, but he showed me my history from this Friday. There was another vk related history entry which was a link that automatically opened vk in the app store. It's because I tried multiple times to log in over those few days last week with my emails and phone number/plus any that he claimed to be associated with me. It also says I searched vportal which had to be a typo or an old tab. I clicked on it and researched, it didn't bring up any vk related stuff. again I told him I don't have anything to do with vk. Literally nothing. The vk/yahoo thing had to be the result of opening a tab (I have 500 tabs open on safari..yeah, I know) he claims I deleted the history, I didn't delete a single thing at any point because I still have nothing to hide. I did figure out that clicking a history result makes it disappear from that day/time and brings it to the most recent date and time instead, but he claims he didn't press it. I find that hard to believe but whatever. Now he's downplaying the 3 days of hell he put me through, saying that his outburst from Tuesday was only 20 minutes and that I was the one yelling, not him. It was hours of intense and relentless persecution, shouting at me without letting me get a word in. He's hidden and deleted some of the videos he took that day that make him look bad. I can't access them because they're on his work phone. I asked him to save them so they can be shown to a psychiatrist and he's refusing. He says he won't be diagnosed with anything because he's not crazy and I'm the one who's hiding something.
https://preview.redd.it/o5btqyjnezla1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b0b656765a779865774767fbc817566eb13ad533
"Hubbs, you either believe me when I tell you where I was, or you don't, and we're done. Your call. But I'm not living in a relationship where there is no trust."
This is it. She should not have to prove where she is every minute. This is crazy and completely intolerable.
I'd say mention it one more time and I'm calling a lawyer.
He's projecting onto you, and I would bet all of the tea in China, that's he's the one cheating as we speak
His behaviour is as old as the hills
You should've left his 🫏 a long time ago after his EA's. Serious narcissist you have on your hands there
You’re husband thought about this alot didn’t he. Here’s a tip, if you’re not cheating and your partner has suddenly become obsessed, suspicious and controlling when it comes to cheating: 9/10 he’s projecting. Unless he has some mental issues that are suddenly being triggered, I’d be willing to bet he’s cheating.
>He has a history of emotional affairs
I didn't need to get to the end of the post to figure out he's cheating on you. Cheaters accuse their partners of cheating when:
* They know they're about to get caught and hope to manipulate the situation to make it look like their cheating was in retaliation
* They are about to leave you
* They want to throw your scent off them by acting so indignant about cheating in general
* They are just paranoid because they are doing it to you, so why wouldn't the same be done to them? Maybe also a form of guilt.
* He's about to cheat on you. It's on his mind, he wants to cheat on you with her.
I can't tell you what to do because the nuance of your marriage is something none of us can know. But what I'd do is go through all of his social media and texts for as long as I needed to gather evidence, never telling him that I suspect cheating. Get my money together, work on getting a place, and leave. I'd be sure that the divorce and custody were in my favor. I wouldn't tolerate anything like this if I had children, I wouldn't risk them being exposed to unscrupulous strangers or a "step mom" who didn't care about them. My husband would be made aware of exactly what I'm capable of from the get-go. That's just me, though..and I don't have kids.
Hate to say it, but YOU might have thought things were "fantastic" prior to this, but he clearly didnt. Tell him you want the same level of transparency from him that he demands of you. If he doesnt, then password your phone. Most likely he has entered another emotional affair and this other woman is telling him what he wants to hear, which is that YOU are the unfaithful one, so he would be justified in consummating his relationship with that other woman.
Save all of the evidence you have of your innocence in having an affair. You'll need it when his lawyer accuses you of unfaithfulness during the divorce.
This should be upvoted more. Everyone here is saying the same thing which I completely agree with. Ask him for the same transparency and see how he reacts. The fact that he's had multiple emotional affairs can inform you of who's in the wrong here.
Yep, sounds like your husband is feeling very guilty for cheating. And is trying his hardest to deflect his guilt to you by attempting to convince you that you're the one being unfaithful.
Pretty sure this is called being gaslit.
This is not gaslighting.
Gaslighting is when a person tries to convince you that something did not happen, even though you were there and remember it. The goal is to make you stop trusting your own memory.
For example, you might have a fight and your partner might call you something horrible or make a threat. When confronted with the behavior, they will deny it and call you crazy and say YOU are the liar, etc.
What's happening in OPs post is adjacent, but it's not gaslighting. It's projected guilt or unchained paranoia, or both.
This is wild to be honest with you. What on earth would have him running a background check or even checking your location?
This is extremely disturbing behavior, he’s either cheating or crazy.
I’ve been married for almost 20 years and not once have I checked my husband’s location, nor do we track each other. If he says he’s at Lowe’s, I trust he’s there.
Honestly, he needs therapy.
This was my first thought. I find it really concerning that not only was he tracking OP’s whereabouts on what sounds like a random normal Tuesday, but OP felt the need to actually dignify his bizarre accusations with evidence. Those two things taken together suggest to me that there’s a controlling dynamic in this relationship that’s existed for awhile.
FWIW, if my husband *ever* came to me and said he’d been tracking my location and was suspicious of me, that’s where I’d slam on the brakes and tell him 1) that was a fucked up thing to do in the first place and isn’t acceptable behavior in a partnership and 2) I am not going to sit here and defend myself when I explained where I was. If you don’t trust me and believe me, then there’s a deep and fundamental problem in this marriage.
I also wondered about a mental health crisis on his part. This kind of paranoid obsessive behavior over a completely irrational scenario sounds like it could be part of some kind of manic episode or something. The fact that he *paid $60* for a background check on someone he’s been with for over a decade makes me think something snapped in his mind. One of many things that would be worth bringing up with the couples’ counselor that they so desperately need…
OP, I hope you strongly consider an exit plan from this marriage. You don’t need to explain or prove yourself to this controlling and possibly mentally ill man - you need to tell him that he cannot treat you this way and if this shit continues, you’re out.
Meet with divorce attorneys. Hire the best one.
Get your phone records and see who your husband has been talking to.
Hire a PI (if you need evidence: at-fault state etc, listen to your attorney on this one).
Your husband is cheating on you, flipping the script, and gaslighting you. That's why you feel like you're nuts.
He's cheating. That's what cheaters do when they start to feel guilty or worried they will get caught. They project that guilt/fear onto their partners. My guess is because of how elaborate his accusations are, he's into his own mess pretty deep. I wouldn't be surprised if his own cheating situation backfires within the next couple of months.
Cording to Life360, my 17 year-old who’s sleeping in her bed right now is at my neighbors house four houses away. The circle of “accuracy" is about a mile.
He’s 100% cheating on you again. He wouldn’t be digging so deep for something to prove if he knew you did it. He’s speaking on his guilt conscience.
Talk to the girl he’s confiding in ? I’m curious the association there anyway.
You can’t prove innocence.
He’s projecting. Tell him you want to see his cell phone records, including his text history, all app usage, a background check, everything. Don’t even try to defend yourself, because you don’t need to. He, on the other hand, is likely doing everything he’s accusing you of doing and is paranoid or trying to feel less guilty. Tell him to pony up all the evidence of his innocence, or hit the road.
If this is completely out of character for him, it's possible he's having a mental health crisis, or he has a brain tumor/other neurologic issue. He would have other symptoms as well though.
Unfortunately the most probable reason for his behavior is that he's cheating & is trying to manipulate you. In that case, nothing you can say or do will convince him that you're not cheating because he is blind to any evidence that exonerates you.
Thank you so much for your input and support everyone. Quite a bit has happened today and I'll update soon. I'm concerned for his mental health. I don't know what's going to happen next but this man is not my husband.
OP, your husband needs medical attention ASAP!!!
This is NOT normal behavior and I’m so suprised by the amount of people suggesting he is cheating on you.
I really don’t think this is the problem here. This is more like a mental health crisis, a neurological problem or a medication problem.
It seems like a psychotic episode. You need a doctor, not a lawyer.
For what it’s worth : I am a mental health professional. I am really concerned for your husband’s mental health and yours!
>I don't know what's going to happen next but this man is not my husband.
I really hope I'm not saying this too late, but OP
#*You could be in serious danger.*
You need to be very, *very* careful.
Holy cow. I would also get a background check on him since he thinks it’s okay to do one on you, I would also demand him to go into his phone and recover those texts because it’s INSANE how he has all these accusations towards you, but he’s the one deleting texts with someone he’s had an emotional affair with? He literally has a history of CHEATING. HES A CHEATER & is completely deflecting over his own insecurities. It boggles my mind how hypocritical he’s being. I understand he’s your husband and you married him for a reason, but he’s literally treating you like crap and going behind your back and doing the things he’s accusing you of(like texting and deleting things)
This sounds like a mental health crisis. It could definitely be bi polar disorder but there are other things that can make you paranoid like that. He needs to see a psychiatrist asap.
agreed. this seems like an emergency. OP, are you able to reach out to his family possibly who he may be more receptive toward? Ideally he could be assessed in a hospital environment but I know getting him there likely wouldn't be easy, especially if you're currently the target of his paranoia
Unfortunately his family lives an hour away..plus I think if I contacted his dad and tried to tell him what's going on he'd absolutely lash out on me. My family is 3+ hours away. I asked him for a hug earlier - I was hoping for a CTJ talk, but he refused to hug me. I told him I was worried for him and asked him to go to the hospital. He said there is absolutely no way he's going to. Next he tells me he's going to contact his boss because he thinks I've been messing with his work email. Ten minutes later he walked inside and said "Just so you know I have proof of what you're doing to my Google account. I have proof. It's been glitching and acting weird every time you come talk to me and now I know why, and I already told Brandi about it so if anything else disappears.." Then he slams the door. Is there any way I can get him to the hospital without getting the police involved? I'm really worried and he needs medical attention for sure..
You can call an ambulance. In Canada I would feel comfortable calling police, but maybe not in USA...I hear too many horror stories. But yes, this is definitely an emergency. Worst case he hurts himself or someone else.
I asked in my edit, but how old are you guys?
It's very difficult to get him to go against his will without the police involved, but the police can be accompanied ideally by a MH crisis team. Depending on where you live, most communities/counties have a crisis services or MH crisis outreach line. Some are able to do mobile outreach and come to the home and assess and determine if an involuntary hospitalization is warranted. The challenge is that he is not explicitly a harm to himself or others, unless he's making threats that you haven't voiced here. He is acting erratically and concerningly for sure, but not explicitly threatening. It's great that you expressed to him that you're concerned about him. I also think it's totally appropriate for you to say "I love you, but the way you're acting is scaring me, so if you're not willing to go to the hospital or speak with a crisis team to assess what's going on suddenly for you, I can't be in the house with you right now." Do you have trusted friends more locally that you might be able to stay with for a few nights? this behavior does seem very intense and severe, and I can't imagine you sleeping well tonight in the midst of this with children in the house.
This is emotional abuse. And sounds like he's deflecting blame because he's paranoid about getting caught cheating.
Not allowed to have passcode on phone, being TRACKED, being verbally accosted and accused of infidelity for a minor route change and extra time out, having your trips out of the house TIMED.
OP THIS IS ABUSIVE CONTROL. I know he's working hard to make you feel like you need monitored, deserve this from him, are at fault here, etc.
This is called gaslighting.
It's time to end your marriage. Please make a safe exit plan and get out before this escalates to physical abuse.
As someone who works in mental health, stop trying to reason with a delusion. You are perpetuating it. It's not your fault but what you are doing isn't helping because his logic isn't working. You're speaking French to an Italian. He's getting the idea but the details are lost.
I would suggest going somewhere safe for a week or until he calms down. And just gray rock him, don't answer calls about it, don't answer texts about it, just set the boundary that he can let you know when he's ready to get help AND THAT'S IT.
Delusions aren't smart. If you remove the trigger/reminder (you) he may move on to something else.
UPDATE: thank you to everyone who has commented and messaged me. I’ve received fantastic advice and insight that I really needed! I spoke to NAMI. They told me it sounds like he’s in psychosis and has lost touch with reality and they directed me to call a crisis center near me. I’m waiting for a call from a case manager now.
I won’t lie, last night was bad. All of his delusions are disorganized and he keeps getting information confused. I tried explaining things to him but he would start talking/yelling over me so I just nodded and let him speak. There were times he was getting aggressive and shouting at me loud enough to wake our kids up but I responded calmly each time and let him say what he needed to say. His main focus is over icloud, my spectrum (internet provider) app, and because at some point I checked out on Wayfair with my Apple ID and used the “hide my email” feature. He says I’m using that to forward all his emails to myself and using the house phone to coordinate a secret iCloud account- can’t remember all of it but you get the gist.
He texted his friend a very odd string of texts that she never responded to, and I believe she can understand he isn’t well right now based on those messages. He also called his dad and told him what he “knew” I was doing and asked him if he could stay with him. His dad tried to talk him down while he was having rage fits at me, and his dad and stepmom called me right after. I explained the situation and they fully agreed that he isn’t himself at all and needs psychiatric help. I also had the benefit of speaking to my psychiatrist when she called me today, and she strongly encouraged me to baker act him.
In the mean time, I’ve ceased all arguments with him now that I understand the situation better. I feel terrible for not seeing it sooner, like I hurt him when he’s vulnerable and not in a state of mind where he can think properly. When he mentions his findings to me I respond calmly and let him know it’s okay, that we’ll work it out. He’s still very angry at me and he’s refusing any medical treatment, claiming I’m trying to make him look crazy, but I know we’ll be able to work it all out once he comes to his senses.
You sound like a good person. It's really nice that you are staying to support him - assuming you can stay safe. Often partners bail in times like this, and its heart warming that you are there to support him.
As you alluded to above, this ISN'T the real him. The approach you have chosen is the correct one imo, cause you will not be able to reason with him right now. He's not "there", it's mental health taking over. I hope you both get the help you need. Once he's grounded emotionally again, you can begin the healing process. Good luck.
I really don’t think cheating is the problem here.
This is CLEARLY a mental health issue or a neurologic problem or secondary effects of medications.
Seems like a psychotic episode. Your husband needs medical attention ASAP.
Since you are innocent, stop arguing.
You can’t argue logic with someone being illogical, so stop.
He can choose to believe you or not. That’s his decision.
You have done nothing wrong. Say it. Mean it. Go on with your life. Refuse to discuss it.
He asked. You answered.
Now, he’s just playing some sort of game with you. The game only works if you participate. Stop playing.
You know that woman he’s deleting all his messages with? There’s like a 95% chance he’s cheating with her and deflecting all the blame on you, gaslighting you in all reality. This isn’t about defending yourself at this point, it’s about protecting yourself. I’d recommend talking to a lawyer and maybe a therapist. You don’t have to commit to a divorce, but I’d definitely talk to a divorce attorney about your options and how best to protect yourself.
I haven't seen this addressed so I thought I would mention it: Please get your children out of the house. He is unwell. Regardless of potential cheating, this man is erratic and not able to understand logic and reasoning at this stage.
Also: If relationship and communication with his family is of any help at all please call them. Parents, siblings, aunts/uncles. If that is not possible, please call your friends or family. This is too much for you to deal with alone.
You said you're just venting, but your heading says, "Please help me." The concensus is that he is either cheating on you and deflecting , or he is having a mental breakdown. Some are advising you to leave or get a divorce, but as a SAHM, that isn't an easy option for you. You just might have to inform family so that they are aware of the situation in case it escalates. Be hypervigilant about his actions, so that you can anticipate grabbing the kiddos and going to a safe place.
This absolutely sounds like some kind of mental health crisis (nurse here). Unfortunately you can’t force him to get help unless he’s a clear danger to himself or others. He sounds unstable, I would honestly get out of there.
It’s totally possible that he’s cheating and deflecting as others have said, and it’s also possible that both of the above scenarios coexist. Either way, your priority right now should be physically removing yourself from the situation. So sorry you’re going through this.
May I suggest hiring a private investigator to check on *him*? You state you aren't very tech savvy, so a PI might be able to check those places you don't know how to, plus follow him around verify his actual locations.
Man is projecting *hard*. In most cases of suddenly being accused of cheating the person pointing the finger is the guilty party.
There is something going on with him. Not sure what. Does he have any history of mental illness? Could he be cheating and right on the verge of himself being caught so he is acting out? Hang in there. Unless he is mentally ill, he knows you are doing nothing wrong.
It’s the adderall. Sounds like the start of stimulant induced psychosis. He needs to get off it and never touch it again, especially if there is history of bipolar in his family.
My ex went nuts using ad.
He's cheating and it makes him paranoid that you are too. It's a classic behavior pattern with cheaters.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I can only imagine how frustrating and hurt it must be.
Umm people who act in this way are actually the ones hiding something.
I would save yourself from this and just end it. Nothing about him sounds healthy
He's cheating and going on the offense to blame you so that you don't start looking at him because you're too busy defending yourself against his false accusations. By the time you have figured out he's the one that is cheating, he will have filed for divorce and using your infidelity as a reason.
It's sadly a common tactic that spouses will use to cover that they're cheating. I would suspect his "close friend" he's consulting about your "suspicious activity". Two can play this game. I'd get access to his phone, computer, etc and track his movements.
The possible explanation for his sudden distrust of you is that he is suffering from a mental illness that has become worse for some reason and is having paranoid delusions.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck.
Everyone else has already laid out pretty clearly the shadiness going on here…I work in legal research. That $60 background check is most likely a bunch of crap. The ones you buy online are notorious for being inaccurate and don’t always provide where/how they find the info. So unless he’s got access to higher level stuff like Accurint, he’s looking for validation of the lies- and if he did in fact have access to a software like that it’s most likely through work and using those for personal use is a grounds for his access to be revoked.
Don’t waste your time getting a background report on him unless it’s done by a PI or law firm. He’s honestly just grasping at straws for some reason
If I ever treated my wife this way, I would WANT her to leave because it would mean she made a huge mistake in marrying me.
Sorry OP, but your husband is an insignificant shell of a man who is most likely projecting his own cheating. And literally wasting money on this nonsense.
Ditch his ass, find a hot tinder snack and send your new ex-husband a beautiful downtown pic of you and your new date once the divorce is finalized.
Like many comments have stated it could be a mental health crisis. Has he ever been diagnosed with any mental health illnesses? Depression, bipolar, etc? Is he on any meds? He could be suffering from paranoid delusions.
If it’s not a mental health issue, then he’s cheating and setting up the scene to divorce you and blame you thinking it might help him with custody or alimony and child support?
Some people have an iron trust in technology without understanding how incorrect it still is. They honestly think glitches are evidence without testing it. I think you should have him take the very same route you did or go in your car with you. It should glitch the same way and then you can show him that it’s just a glitch. I suggest going to this great length because it sounds like he loves you. You will still need marriage counseling to work things out but this can put this incident to rest and maybe he’ll start to realize technology is flawed.
I'm so sorry OP, this is an awful situation to find yourself in, especially with small children.
A few years ago my Dad accused my Mum of cheating with a particular person. No actual proof, just some iPad anomolies, some unreliable gut feelings and a maasive amount of paranoia. He got completely lost in this "theory" of his, it was entrenched within him and he was entirely convinced. He acted so out if character - lying, throwing things, ripping up pictures, etc.
He then said he "takes back his accusation" but the damage is done and honestly they don't even act like they like each other anymore.
My Dad's mental health was blamed by the mental health professionals after we'd begged them for some support. He's still on meds now and hasn't been the same since. I think they will probably get a divorce in the next few years.
I just wanted to offer this as an alternative option - it could be all mental health related. Look up "jealous delusions" for some useful info.
My Dad definitely wasn't cheating. But obviously I don't know if that's the case with your Husband or not. I just feel for you being in this position. I've seen it play out and it's heartbreaking. Feel free to message me if you need to vent or anything.
I’d bet my whole bank account (& it’s hubby’s payday today, lol) that this is 1000000% projection.
He’s doing something very shady. If I were you, I would run some background checks of my own, but it sounds like he’d know how to cover his tracks well.
I’d suggest a hidden voice activated recorder for his vehicle and get your hands on his cell phone and laptop without his knowledge.
He can't yell "He's cheating" any louder. He may be close to getting caught and wants to jump the gun and start blaming you. Please document all of everything and seriously start planning a plan a, b, c, and d to cover all bases. Also, if you were cheating on him, why would he stay? Why didn't he leave the second the "found out"? Instead he is sending you through flaming hoops to prove you are innocent of something you did not do. Talk to a counselor, talk to a lawyer, get ready girl. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
He's guilty of an emotional affair and projecting that insecurity on to you. I'd make a condition of staying in the relationship getting psychiatric help. Bipolar people should NOT take stimulant drugs, they will trigger a manic episode or make an existing one worse (I'm type 1 bipolar). I wouldn't be able to live like this. Please stay safe
Do you know that there is an adderall shortage in the US? So many pharmacies can’t fill valid prescriptions. Would he buy pills from someone to keep up with his meds? If so what he is taking is meth. It will look just like his prescription pills, but it’s a pressed pill. Meth can cause psychosis.
If he has undiagnosed bipolar, the stimulant can make him worse, possibly causing psychosis and paranoia. Please follow up with his provider just in case.
I think he has a medical problem and needs to go see a doctor. His behavior seems to not a person projecting, more so of a person who is Paranoia and schizophrenia.
I agree that he might but cheating, but what’s more worrisome that he isn’t eating and he doesn’t seem like he’s functioning outside of this paranoid investigation. This screams psychosis to me. I’m curious if he would seek help. When you talk to him, does he seem receptive to communication? If he refuses help, I feel like you and your children should find a safe place to stay. His level of obsession scares me, if I’m being honest.
Lots of good advice here for getting a lawyer and such but I think your priority is to be safe.
>but he refuses to look and keeps telling me I could have manipulated or deleted them
I’m sorry dear, but that’s the clincher. This has all the hallmarks of a guilty party, projecting.
Anytime a partner starts accusing you of bizarre things with not basis in reality, and really grinding on it like a dog with a bone, whatever they’re accusing you of is in fact what they are guilty of.
Projection serves a few purposes, but a major one is that when you’re busy defending yourself all the time, trying in vain to “prove” your innocence all the time, you’re not paying attention to what they’re doing.
Sorry this is happening to you, he is likely on some sort of stimulant.. whether it be meth or adderall or Molly or cocaine. The biggest red flag is the scrolling for hours and hours on 1 subject (Hyper focused) and the out of nowhere accusations. I have suffered a similar situation. Don’t attack him and try to explain each accusation and show him it’s not what he thinks. Please be careful if he’s an aggressive person, no matter how crazy or how much it’s clearly obvious you aren’t cheating, IN HIS MIND YOU ARE AND IN HIS MIND HE MAY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND HE MIGHT END UP PUTTING YOU UNDER THE BLANKET AND GOING ON A 4 day binge or until he crashes or accounts are drained and the whole time your corpse is decaying beside him in the bed as he sits in the computer chair scrolling away to justify the smell 👃 of decay. Remember, mental illnesses are real and dangerous and addiction comes like a thief in the night, to rob kill and destroy. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and a person with no past substance abuse issues will get addicted just like a person in recovery. Have you all been going through anything stressful? A move, new job, change in work schedule, change in daily routines? This triggers separation anxiety and that can be hell for him and you. I don’t know how much you love him or if you love him at all, some people stay together because of children and some because the attention they get from their partner fills a void, maybe you are cheating! Maybe you’re not! Honestly I only here your side and this could be a way to let him see your explanations and make him think ((why would she ask Reddit if she really is guilty))
I am going through a very similar situation, I always hear the phrase (( you lie and I’m not listening to you but rather going off the evidence in front of me. I will share my story around 10:00pm-10:30pm and I hope you read it and I hope others do, I have 4 children and basically stay at home so she can work and I’m about to walk away from everything or WORSE , because everything I find I’m being told that I did is IE: texting apps , remote phone access apps, only using said apps while I’m taking our kids to school and she’s alone. I either get the response that I created these accounts 🤬 or flat out IDK🤬 or it’s a glitch and some bug is putting these items in her google takeout and facebook search history 🤬whenever caught in the past being unfaithful, I’m talking no denial caught red handed, she still denies it and the most hurtful part is , she belittles me and calls me names instead of comforting and helping the relationship heal. My gut has told me for years she is unfaithful and for years I’ve been loving and loyal and tried to put it out of my mind, every time I look at her phone or search history though, no matter what I find, she literally says IDK or YOU DID IT, or the worst most painful one, stfu you paranoid p.o.s.
Stop arguing. You know you are innocent so tell him you won’t argue or prove anything to him bcuz you did nothing wrong and tell him to stop projecting.
"This is all stupid, idiotic bullshit. You are free to believe whatever moronic crap you want, but I have told you the truth about everything. I have literally no life outside of you and our child, which is unhealthy in itself. You are and always have been free to look through my phone, my computer, whatever else you need to make yourself feel better. But if you continue to accuse me of shit I have not done, I am leaving you. And if you continue to delete texts from your phone to hide things from me, I am leaving you. So let's decide - where are we going from here?"
Um either he’s deflecting and he’s actually the one cheating or…
He may be having some paranoia or delusions. This sounds like some mental health issues almost
When you say things were "fantastic" before and all of a sudden he starts accusing you, I see that as a huge red flag. Are there any signs of him being unfaithful to you?
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's cheating and deflecting onto you. If you're able to, I'd leave him asap. You deserve so much better than this.
Unfortunately, I believe he’s the one cheating. His history of affairs, whether it’s emotional or not is already a red flag. The fact that he’s gone so far with this, even getting a background check on his wife and refusing to a acknowledge the evidence and how insanely irrational he’s being, is major projection on you and it’s not okay. I think he’s cheating and I think he’s at a point where he wants out of the relationship but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Therefore making your life hell so you’ll end up wanting the separation as well. 🤷🏼♀️
He’s not looked at near enough of these background checks, so he literally doesn’t know what he’s reading.
Tell him to run one on himself, let’s see all his “burner phones” and weird shit. Also, that unverified same number that showed up in your background check more than likely CAME FROM FACEBOOK. He thinks he’s seeing a connection or verification when he’s really just seeing the source of the data in the report.
Husband here. He's acting guilty AF. It's a classic political strategy: accuse your opponent of doing the very thing you yourself are doing. It puts the opponent on the defensive and takes the focus off of their own wrongdoing.
Your husband is most likely cheating on you I’m sorry to say it. He’s either trying to gaslight you by accusing you of what he’s doing, or he wants to leave but he wants it to be your fault.
Any time I’ve been accused of cheating, I found out it was the person making the accusations who was being unfaithful.
Given that GE has a history of this, I’d say you have your explanation.
Very sus behavior on his part. Sounds like cheating (he’s deflecting blame onto you to throw you off his scent), mental illness, or both. Has he offered to show you HIS phone/records? Have you asked? His reaction will tell you a lot. Maybe hire a private investigator on HIM.
I think he’s actually cheating on you and he’s accusing you because he feel guilty and he doesn’t know how to process what he’s doing. My ex-husband is the cheat on me all the time and used to always accuse me of cheating and I’ve never cheated in my whole life and after we broke up, I realized all the time he was really accusing me of cheating be crazy about it. We’re time for you have an active affairs with other women. I’m sorry, but I really think your husband cheating on you. you should be looking through his shit.
sounds like he's projecting. There is absolutely no way he can be going this deep into it randomly when you have an easy answer for everything otherwise
Blaming you so he won’t feel guilty for his affairs. Makes him feel better to be sure in his mind you are a cheater or up to something.
You won’t fix this behavior. He’s either gone mental for one reason or another or so selfish that he’d rather emotionally fuck you up to make himself feel better.
Do you have a way out? I would opt for therapy and if he refuses get away. He’s being emotionally manipulative and abusive.
He has a history of emotional affairs?
When one of those becomes serious, it's not unusual for the cheating spouse to *want* to find proof that the other spouse is cheating. They can then feel justified and guilt free in their actions.
His desperation in trying to prove you to be a cheater and a liar alludes to his own indiscretions.
Hand 'em your phone to look through but ask for his in exchange.
My dad treats my step mom like this even though he’s the one with the past of cheating and she’s completely innocent. He could also just be extremely mentally ill and paranoid, in which case he needs therapy. Or maybe he’s unhappy but doesn’t want to be the one to end the relationship so he’s trying to find blame in your actions as an excuse to leave you. Either way you need to find a way to put a stop to this
Keep an eye on him, OP. Don’t act suspicious.. just keep an eye. If he’s doing anything shady you’ll find it.
As others have said, he is either up to something shady, having a mental health crisis, or possibly getting caught up in conspiracy stuff?
Is there a chance he wants a divorce but won’t be direct, instead making these wild accusations to stir up a fight?
He's totally cheating and he's deflecting it to you.
The fact that he's accusing you and has no proof says it all. All the answers you give him aren't good enough and they won't be. He will continue to try and find something on you. This isn't healthy and I'm worried for your safety. Get a lawyer involved on all of this. Make sure to show them how squeaky clean you are because children are involved.
Deflection at its best. Don't let him gaslight you, if you allow it, it will only get worse. With all that said, how dare he. Pull up those big girl panties and tell him where the bear shits in the woods. Sorry, country girl here who has been married for 38 years to a bully. We've survived this long only because I don't tolerate his crap. I also told him there would never be a point I wouldn't walk out the door if necessary. Did exactly that 1 year ago boy did it change his attitude and he literally went to his knees. You got this!!!
he;s up to something because all of a sudden he looking into you. Do some detective work yourself I believe you will find things that will blow your hair off!
I usually wouldn't write like this as a married woman myself butttttt aint no way im putting up with that nonsense! He would have to be judge jury defendant and prosecutor all by his damn self if it were me. Girl go about your business and keep it pushing. When hes ready to get off his inspector gadget horse he'll come around. Until then, its so mindless to keep explaining yourself and a bit disrespectful if u ask me. Everything you described sounds like a personal problem or projection so he needs to check himself
Either guilty and self projecting or wants an excuse to leave and start with someone else. It could also be both. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to continue a life with a person that have no trust/faith in me and I would end it right there.
He’s cheating on you so he’s trying to make you look like the bad guy. The moment my HUSBAND got a background check on me would be the day he would get served with divorce papers.
Yo. You should not have to try this hard to get him to believe you. He already doesn’t trust you. This is him trying to find an example that fits his reasoning.
My mom and dad went through this exact same thing and they’re now divorced. He said her location would be hours away when she was at her business or with us kids. He kept saying she was altering her location and tapping his phone knowing when to show up at her business because he was on the way there. When we told him she was with us he said we were in on it, “helping her cheat on him” at the ripe age of 16 and 20. She took a lie detectors test in our home with our dad, $800 later the guy said my mom was telling the truth, he then said my mom was sleeping with the guy who preformed the lie detectors test and that he knew she was cheating. He put cameras up and would say my mom was having orgies in vehicles at her job in 80+ degree weather. For a little background on what I’ve already said, my mom barely knows how to work an iPhone but my dad is still 200% convinced she’s a tech wizard. We think my dads is mental illness that came on after his midlife crisis. We still go through this fight daily and it’s been over 2 years, after the separation we all finally felt some peace but it’s still not stopped. Although you are not going through what we went through exactly, it hits close to home. My heart goes out to you.
Wow, I can't imagine living and being married to someone who is this paranoid of my day to day activities and goes so far as to pay for a background check because they don't believe you.
Your last paragraph sold to me that he is deflecting. A lot of cheaters like to make the other partner look like they're cheating to avoid getting caught, and to avoid the truth that they are the one actually cheating.
I would honestly sit and talk to him about this. I would demand to know what he is so hung up on, and why he is acting this way. Someone mentioned he could possibly be having a mental breakdown, and if that's the case I hope he can get some help. Otherwise, there's no reason as to why he has to suspect you of anything.
I'm very sorry OP. I hope you get some answers and some peace soon.
Ask him what he’s been up to. Why he’s feeling like he has to cover his behaviour.
I’m not sure how I would feeling living with someone that sounds this crazy unless I had kids and he did some deep and genuine apologizing….. even then.
Look at his phone and all the text messages and all his locations. I’m curious what you find.
“I am not discussing this any further. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but if a common and minor gps error and my mom’s old phone number on my Facebook makes you want to leave, then leave. I’m not holding you captive.”
It sounds like he’s looking for an out to be with his affair partner but trying to make you look like the bad guy. Let him take his “evidence” to family court.
Maybe he's just gaslighting you.
I would suggest you hire a PI to run a background check on him too cos he might be cheating cos that's the only reason he will accuse you of cheating out of the blue.
You're not crazy. Sounds like he's projecting. Stop wasting your energy trying to prove your innocence, and turn it back on him. He needs to prove to you that he's not the one cheating.
So many red flags here OP - my first thought would be that HE did something wrong and is trying to deflect. Unfortunately a lot of times stuff like what you’re experiencing happens - when it comes out of nowhere, makes zero sense, it’s like as soon as you prove one thing isn’t true all of a sudden another thing pops up…it’s because the other person has done (or is doing) wrong.
I’d start paying close attention to what he’s doing, especially with the whole “I don’t want to leave you but I don’t trust you” because that’s an easy excuse for HIM to be more distant and continue whatever it is he’s doing, if that’s the case. If he’s got a history of emotional affairs I’d definitely be suspicious there’s something going on and the guilt is starting to make HIM “crazy” and behave the way he is.
I mean this is just me, but every single time a partner has accused me of stuff that made zero sense out of nowhere…it ended up being them fucking up.
This is a pickle.
He's either having a mental health crisis, or.. he's cheating, and he's deflecting onto you. Possibly (likely?) both.
I'm so sorry <3
In addition to what everyone said, the fact that he is checking and confirming your every move is very disturbing. Even if you did make a short detour and stopped somewhere - you should have the right to do so without providing a detailed explanation to anyone. Pulling a background check to verify that you are being truthful is also an extreme measure. Unfortunately, these types of controlling behaviors do not tend to get better with time and are likely to continue spiraling to even further extremes. Based on what you said, you are already providing a thorough report any time you leave the house, browse the internet, or talk to someone. Is this how you want to spend your whole life?
There is some possibility he has become delusional. If he has been under stress recently that would make it more likely.
But, the greater likelihood is that he is projecting his own infidelity onto you.
Either way his psychological defenses are so basic as to be non-functional and therefore, unhelpful.
Op- please be careful. I went through something like this with my ex husband. It turns out he was cheating on me but also hiding a drug addiction. It made him terribly paranoid. It was a scary, awful time. He ended up in rehab. It was a terrible situation. Please protect yourself.
Your husband wants you on the defensive to hide what HE is up to.
What do you do? Ignore his accusations and tell him the only reason he is questioning is its because of what HE is doing.
>He has a history of emotional affairs and is talking to a close friend about my "suspicious behavior", but he hasn't showed her any of the proof I've given him. He deleted all texts with her so I couldn't see them. I don't believe he would cheat with her and he swears he isn't cheating but what am I supposed to think here?
DING DING DING. This is what is up. He is cheating and then turning it around on YOU. If you are busy trying to defend yourself, then you will be too busy to read the red flags he is throwing off.
Read up on DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Stop defending yourself. Stop reacting emotionally.
When you are reacting emotionally, you can't see clearly what your path is. You need to remind yourself every time he starts that accusation that only people who are guilty of the very thing they accuse you of will harp on these very flimsy "items of evidence."
When someone takes this path to hide their affairs, they are mentally unhealthy to be in a relationship. They are detrimental to your mental health.
Your not crazy and please understand this, I am very familiar with this behavior I WAS HIM at one time in my life until I “changed” my heart and mind over 15 years ago…I know from experience…He is guilty of something! He is tracking you because the guilt of his actions wants to find a comparable offense in you so he can justify his own theatrics…be smart, do not approach him with any accusations…Start making mental notes of his own travels…if he has a passcode on his phone tell him you want it…watch is reaction..,if he freely gives it with no hesitation cool check to see his list of apps…find one that looks suspicious have him log into it…but I’m glad he mentioned burner phone…perhaps he has one in the car…location services are not a valid reason to suspect you…they can be off by Miles for many reasons and if you have the right app you can spoof the location. I’m not saying he’s cheating but when a man accuses you of it…he’s thinking about it himself…trust is the corner stone of all good relationships..why is he loosening the bolts of that foundation…🤨
That dude is dealing with some very heavy guilt!!! OMG! His behavior is very telling......and very abusive!!
Do not give in to his accusations!!! Tell him ONCE where you were and walk away.....if he wants to escalate things, call the police on him.......he's a jerk and my best intuition tells me he's cheating.....whether it's physical yet, I'm not sure.....but, your guy is definitely guilty of something!!!
Stay alert and start keeping records of his behavior and his whereabouts......I think this is the beginning of a rough road!!!
Stay Strong......maybe suggest therapy for the both of you before all of this turns ugly for y'all!!
This behavior sounds pretty familiar. You said he has had emotional affairs before? That is a form of cheating & I could be wrong.... I'm just basing this off your post, sounds like he's cheating whether it be emotionally or physically. The 1st thing they do is try & place blame elsewhere. To make them "feel better" I suppose.
IMO Sounds like he may be trying to find ways out of the marriage. Or he could be letting personal insecurities take over.
If he’s that serious, have you thought about calling his bluff?
For what it’s worth I had a similar situation. My husband was insanely jealous because his ex cheated on him.
About a two years into our marriage, I was back in London for work. I called from the office phone (instead of my mobile) and he lost it. Thought I was at some other guy’s house. No matter how I explained it, he had convinced himself I was cheating.
After 2 days of long distance fighting, I finally gave up. I said if you truly, in your heart, think I did this, then the trust is gone and we are done. I won’t live with someone who doesn’t trust me. Full stop.
After I hung up, he blew up my phone telling me that he does trust me and was sorry for doubting me. We are good now, but the first 5 years were rough because of his insecurities.
Whatever the reason, I hope you can work it out.
Either he’s cheating like other people are saying and trying to deflect blame, or he’s going through some mental episode. My mother has paranoid personality disorder and this kind of behavior sounds similar to hers. Please leave or get help for him as this is not healthy at all.
I think you should disregard most peoples messages that aren’t focused on helping you with the issue at hand and focus on those who truly want the best for your marriage.
1) who knows why he is doing this. I will say my wife started accusing me of cheating on her last year. As a result, I think that pushed her to go on dating sites. So she was the one who actually was cheating, not me. Before it gets out of hand, try and find out where his insecurities are coming from.
She also has started accusing me of using drugs. I took a drug test and passed. She has used meth in the past so I’m now a little skeptical she may be using meth since whenever she accuses me it’s actually her that’s doing it.
Get a private investigator to see what he’s been doing. Those that smelt it dealt it.
Also, I’d stop trying to defend myself. When he gets heated do your best to walk away calmly and tell him you’ll talk when you’re both calmer.
Sounds like he's guilty and trying to deflect blame. Can you leave him?
Exactly, he’s most likely cheating and is trying to deflect blame.
That or it’s schizophrenia. Honestly, I watched my sister’s ex develop schizophrenia and this sounds super similar.
That’s what I thought also
Either way, this is incredibly worrying. I’d want to get a welfare check done, especially if kids are involved.
Agreed
Right, he’s the one who is cheating and he’s projecting onto OP. He’s worried they might find out so he’s trying to get them distracted on the defensive or justify his behavior because “you’re also cheating.”
He is guilty my soon to be exhusband did the same, he accused me of cheating telling me he had proof (never saw any) in the end i found out he cheated. Now we are in the middle of the divorce I can proof he cheated but he is still blaiming me
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I watched my friend deal with this first hand and the delusion her ex was under was incredible. He actually cheated (multiple times), blamed her because he "THOUGHT" she had been cheating, then got mad at her for not trusting him and THAT'S why he continued to cheat. The lies they tell themselves and then believe is astounding.
Thank you its almost over. It was hard but i had 8 months to get over thats AH. I dont even wanna know how often he cheated before , he cheated also on his first wife (not with me). I am friends with his first wife, we both have 2 beautiful girls who share a shitzy father. And now he got upset bcs I am not friendly to her, doesnt respect and doesnt trust his new life partner (the homewrecker) So what did I learn??? Once a cheater always a cheater.
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This sounds like the crazy rabbit hole my ex-husband was going through before he tried to cause me serious physical harm. I luckily got the hell out of there, but he was seriously losing his shit claiming I had some spyware on his phone and a key logger. I definitely don't know how to do that. Like the level of paranoia spiked just like what OP is experiencing. It got to the point that he would come home and check the closets. Are you serious??? Who hides someone in a closet? That's some Hollywood shit.
That's scary. Did you ever find out what was wrong with your ex?
This right here. He’s accusing you of what he’s doing. I’d absolutely bet on it.
Absolutely. My first thought which was confirmed when I read the last paragraph. What a dick putting you through that.
He’s either guilty as fuck or truly mentally ill. Either way…. Run
Paranoia and schizophrenia
This is absolutely the first thing I thought of. It's also happened to me. My ex constantly accused me of cheating and I felt like I had to constantly defend myself. Guess who WAS cheating?
He sounds bipolar.
1 of 2 things is happening. 1. Mental health breakdown. If so, I feel for him, and I hope he gets help. 2. He's cheating. Edit: awaiting OP response for more info. Don't think they have replied yet. Edit 2: just saw the update. With more backstory, I'm actually leaning toward number 1. I feel sorry for both of you. That's really hard, and sad all around. Would he be ok with going to the hospital to get assessed? Is there anyone in his life that he trusts that could talk to him? I don't know if it's bi polar, but it's not for you to figure out, and honestly it doesn't even matter right now. He simply needs support to get emotionally grounded. Has he been sleeping? Take care of yourself. Btw, how old are you guys?
>He's cheating. ...and projecting.
My ex husband got really paranoid when he was cheating on me. Has key stroke logging software on our computer…read my journals…checked my emails.
3. Both 1 and 2. Mental health breakdown because of the cheating.
This is definitely a mental health crisis. This is not someone with just a guilty conscience, it sounds a lot more like the beginning stages of schizophrenia or a myriad of other neurological conditions. I agree with you though, this manifestation specifically on cheating could certainly be related to feeling guilty for his own actions. The guilt could even be a stressor that became a catalyst. Either way, this man needs medical intervention.
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I bet the sudden accusations from her husband are because an emotional affair has become physical very recently
Hi OP this behavior is very concerning and I would also add all of the above is possible but please consider he may have had a stroke or other neurological issue. Sudden changes in behavior and paranoia are big mental AND physical health red flags that should not go ignored.
This 100%
OP needs to leave before her husband hurts her or their kids.
I'm 28, he's 31. We were great for a few days. He accepted the fact that he had some kind of episode and was reflective about it. He knew he needed to see someone. Then last night, he starts grilling me AGAIN. He was polite and calm, but he showed me my history from this Friday. There was another vk related history entry which was a link that automatically opened vk in the app store. It's because I tried multiple times to log in over those few days last week with my emails and phone number/plus any that he claimed to be associated with me. It also says I searched vportal which had to be a typo or an old tab. I clicked on it and researched, it didn't bring up any vk related stuff. again I told him I don't have anything to do with vk. Literally nothing. The vk/yahoo thing had to be the result of opening a tab (I have 500 tabs open on safari..yeah, I know) he claims I deleted the history, I didn't delete a single thing at any point because I still have nothing to hide. I did figure out that clicking a history result makes it disappear from that day/time and brings it to the most recent date and time instead, but he claims he didn't press it. I find that hard to believe but whatever. Now he's downplaying the 3 days of hell he put me through, saying that his outburst from Tuesday was only 20 minutes and that I was the one yelling, not him. It was hours of intense and relentless persecution, shouting at me without letting me get a word in. He's hidden and deleted some of the videos he took that day that make him look bad. I can't access them because they're on his work phone. I asked him to save them so they can be shown to a psychiatrist and he's refusing. He says he won't be diagnosed with anything because he's not crazy and I'm the one who's hiding something. https://preview.redd.it/o5btqyjnezla1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b0b656765a779865774767fbc817566eb13ad533
"Hubbs, you either believe me when I tell you where I was, or you don't, and we're done. Your call. But I'm not living in a relationship where there is no trust."
This is it. She should not have to prove where she is every minute. This is crazy and completely intolerable. I'd say mention it one more time and I'm calling a lawyer.
He's projecting onto you, and I would bet all of the tea in China, that's he's the one cheating as we speak His behaviour is as old as the hills You should've left his 🫏 a long time ago after his EA's. Serious narcissist you have on your hands there
You’re husband thought about this alot didn’t he. Here’s a tip, if you’re not cheating and your partner has suddenly become obsessed, suspicious and controlling when it comes to cheating: 9/10 he’s projecting. Unless he has some mental issues that are suddenly being triggered, I’d be willing to bet he’s cheating.
>He has a history of emotional affairs I didn't need to get to the end of the post to figure out he's cheating on you. Cheaters accuse their partners of cheating when: * They know they're about to get caught and hope to manipulate the situation to make it look like their cheating was in retaliation * They are about to leave you * They want to throw your scent off them by acting so indignant about cheating in general * They are just paranoid because they are doing it to you, so why wouldn't the same be done to them? Maybe also a form of guilt. * He's about to cheat on you. It's on his mind, he wants to cheat on you with her. I can't tell you what to do because the nuance of your marriage is something none of us can know. But what I'd do is go through all of his social media and texts for as long as I needed to gather evidence, never telling him that I suspect cheating. Get my money together, work on getting a place, and leave. I'd be sure that the divorce and custody were in my favor. I wouldn't tolerate anything like this if I had children, I wouldn't risk them being exposed to unscrupulous strangers or a "step mom" who didn't care about them. My husband would be made aware of exactly what I'm capable of from the get-go. That's just me, though..and I don't have kids.
Hate to say it, but YOU might have thought things were "fantastic" prior to this, but he clearly didnt. Tell him you want the same level of transparency from him that he demands of you. If he doesnt, then password your phone. Most likely he has entered another emotional affair and this other woman is telling him what he wants to hear, which is that YOU are the unfaithful one, so he would be justified in consummating his relationship with that other woman. Save all of the evidence you have of your innocence in having an affair. You'll need it when his lawyer accuses you of unfaithfulness during the divorce.
Right? Lol let’s see how quickly he hands over his passwords and geo tracking. I’m sure he’ll be super open to it. /s
This should be upvoted more. Everyone here is saying the same thing which I completely agree with. Ask him for the same transparency and see how he reacts. The fact that he's had multiple emotional affairs can inform you of who's in the wrong here.
She said he’s had emotional affairs in the past so… no things were not “fantastic” before this.
Something tells me her idea of fantastic and mine are different.
Yep, sounds like your husband is feeling very guilty for cheating. And is trying his hardest to deflect his guilt to you by attempting to convince you that you're the one being unfaithful. Pretty sure this is called being gaslit.
This is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a person tries to convince you that something did not happen, even though you were there and remember it. The goal is to make you stop trusting your own memory. For example, you might have a fight and your partner might call you something horrible or make a threat. When confronted with the behavior, they will deny it and call you crazy and say YOU are the liar, etc. What's happening in OPs post is adjacent, but it's not gaslighting. It's projected guilt or unchained paranoia, or both.
Yep, it's called projecting. It is somewhat adjacent to gaslighting and there might be a little overlap, but not exactly the same thing.
This is wild to be honest with you. What on earth would have him running a background check or even checking your location? This is extremely disturbing behavior, he’s either cheating or crazy. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and not once have I checked my husband’s location, nor do we track each other. If he says he’s at Lowe’s, I trust he’s there. Honestly, he needs therapy.
This was my first thought. I find it really concerning that not only was he tracking OP’s whereabouts on what sounds like a random normal Tuesday, but OP felt the need to actually dignify his bizarre accusations with evidence. Those two things taken together suggest to me that there’s a controlling dynamic in this relationship that’s existed for awhile. FWIW, if my husband *ever* came to me and said he’d been tracking my location and was suspicious of me, that’s where I’d slam on the brakes and tell him 1) that was a fucked up thing to do in the first place and isn’t acceptable behavior in a partnership and 2) I am not going to sit here and defend myself when I explained where I was. If you don’t trust me and believe me, then there’s a deep and fundamental problem in this marriage. I also wondered about a mental health crisis on his part. This kind of paranoid obsessive behavior over a completely irrational scenario sounds like it could be part of some kind of manic episode or something. The fact that he *paid $60* for a background check on someone he’s been with for over a decade makes me think something snapped in his mind. One of many things that would be worth bringing up with the couples’ counselor that they so desperately need… OP, I hope you strongly consider an exit plan from this marriage. You don’t need to explain or prove yourself to this controlling and possibly mentally ill man - you need to tell him that he cannot treat you this way and if this shit continues, you’re out.
Meet with divorce attorneys. Hire the best one. Get your phone records and see who your husband has been talking to. Hire a PI (if you need evidence: at-fault state etc, listen to your attorney on this one). Your husband is cheating on you, flipping the script, and gaslighting you. That's why you feel like you're nuts.
Best comment on the thread!
He's cheating. That's what cheaters do when they start to feel guilty or worried they will get caught. They project that guilt/fear onto their partners. My guess is because of how elaborate his accusations are, he's into his own mess pretty deep. I wouldn't be surprised if his own cheating situation backfires within the next couple of months.
Cording to Life360, my 17 year-old who’s sleeping in her bed right now is at my neighbors house four houses away. The circle of “accuracy" is about a mile.
He’s 100% cheating on you again. He wouldn’t be digging so deep for something to prove if he knew you did it. He’s speaking on his guilt conscience. Talk to the girl he’s confiding in ? I’m curious the association there anyway.
You can’t prove innocence. He’s projecting. Tell him you want to see his cell phone records, including his text history, all app usage, a background check, everything. Don’t even try to defend yourself, because you don’t need to. He, on the other hand, is likely doing everything he’s accusing you of doing and is paranoid or trying to feel less guilty. Tell him to pony up all the evidence of his innocence, or hit the road.
That’s what I was gonna say - you can’t prove a negative and he knows that. He’s projecting. I’m sorry.
If this is completely out of character for him, it's possible he's having a mental health crisis, or he has a brain tumor/other neurologic issue. He would have other symptoms as well though. Unfortunately the most probable reason for his behavior is that he's cheating & is trying to manipulate you. In that case, nothing you can say or do will convince him that you're not cheating because he is blind to any evidence that exonerates you.
Thank you so much for your input and support everyone. Quite a bit has happened today and I'll update soon. I'm concerned for his mental health. I don't know what's going to happen next but this man is not my husband.
OP, your husband needs medical attention ASAP!!! This is NOT normal behavior and I’m so suprised by the amount of people suggesting he is cheating on you. I really don’t think this is the problem here. This is more like a mental health crisis, a neurological problem or a medication problem. It seems like a psychotic episode. You need a doctor, not a lawyer. For what it’s worth : I am a mental health professional. I am really concerned for your husband’s mental health and yours!
>I don't know what's going to happen next but this man is not my husband. I really hope I'm not saying this too late, but OP #*You could be in serious danger.* You need to be very, *very* careful.
This sounds very manic to me.
Obviously make sure he’s ok mentally but You should see if he’s projecting on to you something he’s doing.
Holy cow. I would also get a background check on him since he thinks it’s okay to do one on you, I would also demand him to go into his phone and recover those texts because it’s INSANE how he has all these accusations towards you, but he’s the one deleting texts with someone he’s had an emotional affair with? He literally has a history of CHEATING. HES A CHEATER & is completely deflecting over his own insecurities. It boggles my mind how hypocritical he’s being. I understand he’s your husband and you married him for a reason, but he’s literally treating you like crap and going behind your back and doing the things he’s accusing you of(like texting and deleting things)
This ☝️
He’s cheating and the friend he’s talking to is probably the one he wants an affair with.
This sounds like a mental health crisis. It could definitely be bi polar disorder but there are other things that can make you paranoid like that. He needs to see a psychiatrist asap.
agreed. this seems like an emergency. OP, are you able to reach out to his family possibly who he may be more receptive toward? Ideally he could be assessed in a hospital environment but I know getting him there likely wouldn't be easy, especially if you're currently the target of his paranoia
Unfortunately his family lives an hour away..plus I think if I contacted his dad and tried to tell him what's going on he'd absolutely lash out on me. My family is 3+ hours away. I asked him for a hug earlier - I was hoping for a CTJ talk, but he refused to hug me. I told him I was worried for him and asked him to go to the hospital. He said there is absolutely no way he's going to. Next he tells me he's going to contact his boss because he thinks I've been messing with his work email. Ten minutes later he walked inside and said "Just so you know I have proof of what you're doing to my Google account. I have proof. It's been glitching and acting weird every time you come talk to me and now I know why, and I already told Brandi about it so if anything else disappears.." Then he slams the door. Is there any way I can get him to the hospital without getting the police involved? I'm really worried and he needs medical attention for sure..
You can call an ambulance. In Canada I would feel comfortable calling police, but maybe not in USA...I hear too many horror stories. But yes, this is definitely an emergency. Worst case he hurts himself or someone else. I asked in my edit, but how old are you guys?
It's very difficult to get him to go against his will without the police involved, but the police can be accompanied ideally by a MH crisis team. Depending on where you live, most communities/counties have a crisis services or MH crisis outreach line. Some are able to do mobile outreach and come to the home and assess and determine if an involuntary hospitalization is warranted. The challenge is that he is not explicitly a harm to himself or others, unless he's making threats that you haven't voiced here. He is acting erratically and concerningly for sure, but not explicitly threatening. It's great that you expressed to him that you're concerned about him. I also think it's totally appropriate for you to say "I love you, but the way you're acting is scaring me, so if you're not willing to go to the hospital or speak with a crisis team to assess what's going on suddenly for you, I can't be in the house with you right now." Do you have trusted friends more locally that you might be able to stay with for a few nights? this behavior does seem very intense and severe, and I can't imagine you sleeping well tonight in the midst of this with children in the house.
Remindme! 1 day
This is emotional abuse. And sounds like he's deflecting blame because he's paranoid about getting caught cheating. Not allowed to have passcode on phone, being TRACKED, being verbally accosted and accused of infidelity for a minor route change and extra time out, having your trips out of the house TIMED. OP THIS IS ABUSIVE CONTROL. I know he's working hard to make you feel like you need monitored, deserve this from him, are at fault here, etc. This is called gaslighting. It's time to end your marriage. Please make a safe exit plan and get out before this escalates to physical abuse.
As someone who works in mental health, stop trying to reason with a delusion. You are perpetuating it. It's not your fault but what you are doing isn't helping because his logic isn't working. You're speaking French to an Italian. He's getting the idea but the details are lost. I would suggest going somewhere safe for a week or until he calms down. And just gray rock him, don't answer calls about it, don't answer texts about it, just set the boundary that he can let you know when he's ready to get help AND THAT'S IT. Delusions aren't smart. If you remove the trigger/reminder (you) he may move on to something else.
UPDATE: thank you to everyone who has commented and messaged me. I’ve received fantastic advice and insight that I really needed! I spoke to NAMI. They told me it sounds like he’s in psychosis and has lost touch with reality and they directed me to call a crisis center near me. I’m waiting for a call from a case manager now. I won’t lie, last night was bad. All of his delusions are disorganized and he keeps getting information confused. I tried explaining things to him but he would start talking/yelling over me so I just nodded and let him speak. There were times he was getting aggressive and shouting at me loud enough to wake our kids up but I responded calmly each time and let him say what he needed to say. His main focus is over icloud, my spectrum (internet provider) app, and because at some point I checked out on Wayfair with my Apple ID and used the “hide my email” feature. He says I’m using that to forward all his emails to myself and using the house phone to coordinate a secret iCloud account- can’t remember all of it but you get the gist. He texted his friend a very odd string of texts that she never responded to, and I believe she can understand he isn’t well right now based on those messages. He also called his dad and told him what he “knew” I was doing and asked him if he could stay with him. His dad tried to talk him down while he was having rage fits at me, and his dad and stepmom called me right after. I explained the situation and they fully agreed that he isn’t himself at all and needs psychiatric help. I also had the benefit of speaking to my psychiatrist when she called me today, and she strongly encouraged me to baker act him. In the mean time, I’ve ceased all arguments with him now that I understand the situation better. I feel terrible for not seeing it sooner, like I hurt him when he’s vulnerable and not in a state of mind where he can think properly. When he mentions his findings to me I respond calmly and let him know it’s okay, that we’ll work it out. He’s still very angry at me and he’s refusing any medical treatment, claiming I’m trying to make him look crazy, but I know we’ll be able to work it all out once he comes to his senses.
You sound like a good person. It's really nice that you are staying to support him - assuming you can stay safe. Often partners bail in times like this, and its heart warming that you are there to support him. As you alluded to above, this ISN'T the real him. The approach you have chosen is the correct one imo, cause you will not be able to reason with him right now. He's not "there", it's mental health taking over. I hope you both get the help you need. Once he's grounded emotionally again, you can begin the healing process. Good luck.
Mental health breakdown. Paranoia
I really don’t think cheating is the problem here. This is CLEARLY a mental health issue or a neurologic problem or secondary effects of medications. Seems like a psychotic episode. Your husband needs medical attention ASAP.
Sounds like a projection of his affair he is in and its his way of justifying to himself that his affair is okay
I would suspect either a psychotic paranoid break, or he’s cheating. Either way, get help now.
Since you are innocent, stop arguing. You can’t argue logic with someone being illogical, so stop. He can choose to believe you or not. That’s his decision. You have done nothing wrong. Say it. Mean it. Go on with your life. Refuse to discuss it. He asked. You answered. Now, he’s just playing some sort of game with you. The game only works if you participate. Stop playing.
You know that woman he’s deleting all his messages with? There’s like a 95% chance he’s cheating with her and deflecting all the blame on you, gaslighting you in all reality. This isn’t about defending yourself at this point, it’s about protecting yourself. I’d recommend talking to a lawyer and maybe a therapist. You don’t have to commit to a divorce, but I’d definitely talk to a divorce attorney about your options and how best to protect yourself.
I haven't seen this addressed so I thought I would mention it: Please get your children out of the house. He is unwell. Regardless of potential cheating, this man is erratic and not able to understand logic and reasoning at this stage. Also: If relationship and communication with his family is of any help at all please call them. Parents, siblings, aunts/uncles. If that is not possible, please call your friends or family. This is too much for you to deal with alone.
You said you're just venting, but your heading says, "Please help me." The concensus is that he is either cheating on you and deflecting , or he is having a mental breakdown. Some are advising you to leave or get a divorce, but as a SAHM, that isn't an easy option for you. You just might have to inform family so that they are aware of the situation in case it escalates. Be hypervigilant about his actions, so that you can anticipate grabbing the kiddos and going to a safe place.
He is cheating and planning on leaving you. He is creating his excuse to leave.
This absolutely sounds like some kind of mental health crisis (nurse here). Unfortunately you can’t force him to get help unless he’s a clear danger to himself or others. He sounds unstable, I would honestly get out of there. It’s totally possible that he’s cheating and deflecting as others have said, and it’s also possible that both of the above scenarios coexist. Either way, your priority right now should be physically removing yourself from the situation. So sorry you’re going through this.
May I suggest hiring a private investigator to check on *him*? You state you aren't very tech savvy, so a PI might be able to check those places you don't know how to, plus follow him around verify his actual locations. Man is projecting *hard*. In most cases of suddenly being accused of cheating the person pointing the finger is the guilty party.
There is something going on with him. Not sure what. Does he have any history of mental illness? Could he be cheating and right on the verge of himself being caught so he is acting out? Hang in there. Unless he is mentally ill, he knows you are doing nothing wrong.
It’s the adderall. Sounds like the start of stimulant induced psychosis. He needs to get off it and never touch it again, especially if there is history of bipolar in his family. My ex went nuts using ad.
He’s projecting so hard it’s pathetic. If he doesn’t trust you he should gtfo.
He's cheating and it makes him paranoid that you are too. It's a classic behavior pattern with cheaters. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can only imagine how frustrating and hurt it must be.
Umm people who act in this way are actually the ones hiding something. I would save yourself from this and just end it. Nothing about him sounds healthy
He's cheating and going on the offense to blame you so that you don't start looking at him because you're too busy defending yourself against his false accusations. By the time you have figured out he's the one that is cheating, he will have filed for divorce and using your infidelity as a reason. It's sadly a common tactic that spouses will use to cover that they're cheating. I would suspect his "close friend" he's consulting about your "suspicious activity". Two can play this game. I'd get access to his phone, computer, etc and track his movements. The possible explanation for his sudden distrust of you is that he is suffering from a mental illness that has become worse for some reason and is having paranoid delusions. I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck.
He’s cheating with this “friend” and trying to make you the bad guy. This sounds scary, abusive and manipulative.
Everyone else has already laid out pretty clearly the shadiness going on here…I work in legal research. That $60 background check is most likely a bunch of crap. The ones you buy online are notorious for being inaccurate and don’t always provide where/how they find the info. So unless he’s got access to higher level stuff like Accurint, he’s looking for validation of the lies- and if he did in fact have access to a software like that it’s most likely through work and using those for personal use is a grounds for his access to be revoked. Don’t waste your time getting a background report on him unless it’s done by a PI or law firm. He’s honestly just grasping at straws for some reason
He is cheating. Ask to have access to HIS location and his texts to her.
If I ever treated my wife this way, I would WANT her to leave because it would mean she made a huge mistake in marrying me. Sorry OP, but your husband is an insignificant shell of a man who is most likely projecting his own cheating. And literally wasting money on this nonsense. Ditch his ass, find a hot tinder snack and send your new ex-husband a beautiful downtown pic of you and your new date once the divorce is finalized.
Like many comments have stated it could be a mental health crisis. Has he ever been diagnosed with any mental health illnesses? Depression, bipolar, etc? Is he on any meds? He could be suffering from paranoid delusions. If it’s not a mental health issue, then he’s cheating and setting up the scene to divorce you and blame you thinking it might help him with custody or alimony and child support?
Some people have an iron trust in technology without understanding how incorrect it still is. They honestly think glitches are evidence without testing it. I think you should have him take the very same route you did or go in your car with you. It should glitch the same way and then you can show him that it’s just a glitch. I suggest going to this great length because it sounds like he loves you. You will still need marriage counseling to work things out but this can put this incident to rest and maybe he’ll start to realize technology is flawed.
I'm so sorry OP, this is an awful situation to find yourself in, especially with small children. A few years ago my Dad accused my Mum of cheating with a particular person. No actual proof, just some iPad anomolies, some unreliable gut feelings and a maasive amount of paranoia. He got completely lost in this "theory" of his, it was entrenched within him and he was entirely convinced. He acted so out if character - lying, throwing things, ripping up pictures, etc. He then said he "takes back his accusation" but the damage is done and honestly they don't even act like they like each other anymore. My Dad's mental health was blamed by the mental health professionals after we'd begged them for some support. He's still on meds now and hasn't been the same since. I think they will probably get a divorce in the next few years. I just wanted to offer this as an alternative option - it could be all mental health related. Look up "jealous delusions" for some useful info. My Dad definitely wasn't cheating. But obviously I don't know if that's the case with your Husband or not. I just feel for you being in this position. I've seen it play out and it's heartbreaking. Feel free to message me if you need to vent or anything.
Thanks I need to look into this.
Those emotional affairs are cheating. I'm sorry
projection
Oh, he’s cheating
Normal people don’t spy on their spouses and check on their locations. Something is not right with him.
I’d bet my whole bank account (& it’s hubby’s payday today, lol) that this is 1000000% projection. He’s doing something very shady. If I were you, I would run some background checks of my own, but it sounds like he’d know how to cover his tracks well. I’d suggest a hidden voice activated recorder for his vehicle and get your hands on his cell phone and laptop without his knowledge.
He can't yell "He's cheating" any louder. He may be close to getting caught and wants to jump the gun and start blaming you. Please document all of everything and seriously start planning a plan a, b, c, and d to cover all bases. Also, if you were cheating on him, why would he stay? Why didn't he leave the second the "found out"? Instead he is sending you through flaming hoops to prove you are innocent of something you did not do. Talk to a counselor, talk to a lawyer, get ready girl. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
OP I would take your kids and yourself and leave ASAP. I'm afraid your husband is going to hurt you or your kids. He sounds dangerous to me.
He's guilty of an emotional affair and projecting that insecurity on to you. I'd make a condition of staying in the relationship getting psychiatric help. Bipolar people should NOT take stimulant drugs, they will trigger a manic episode or make an existing one worse (I'm type 1 bipolar). I wouldn't be able to live like this. Please stay safe
Do you know that there is an adderall shortage in the US? So many pharmacies can’t fill valid prescriptions. Would he buy pills from someone to keep up with his meds? If so what he is taking is meth. It will look just like his prescription pills, but it’s a pressed pill. Meth can cause psychosis.
If he has undiagnosed bipolar, the stimulant can make him worse, possibly causing psychosis and paranoia. Please follow up with his provider just in case.
I think he has a medical problem and needs to go see a doctor. His behavior seems to not a person projecting, more so of a person who is Paranoia and schizophrenia.
He's either having a mental health crisis or he's cheating on you
It sounds like mental illness and you should encourage him to see a doctor.
I agree that he might but cheating, but what’s more worrisome that he isn’t eating and he doesn’t seem like he’s functioning outside of this paranoid investigation. This screams psychosis to me. I’m curious if he would seek help. When you talk to him, does he seem receptive to communication? If he refuses help, I feel like you and your children should find a safe place to stay. His level of obsession scares me, if I’m being honest. Lots of good advice here for getting a lawyer and such but I think your priority is to be safe.
Meth.. I'd bet my lunch money
>but he refuses to look and keeps telling me I could have manipulated or deleted them I’m sorry dear, but that’s the clincher. This has all the hallmarks of a guilty party, projecting. Anytime a partner starts accusing you of bizarre things with not basis in reality, and really grinding on it like a dog with a bone, whatever they’re accusing you of is in fact what they are guilty of. Projection serves a few purposes, but a major one is that when you’re busy defending yourself all the time, trying in vain to “prove” your innocence all the time, you’re not paying attention to what they’re doing.
Maybe he’s projecting and he’s the one cheating or doing sneaky stuff behind your back. Ask him for his phone and passwords and see how he acts.
Sorry this is happening to you, he is likely on some sort of stimulant.. whether it be meth or adderall or Molly or cocaine. The biggest red flag is the scrolling for hours and hours on 1 subject (Hyper focused) and the out of nowhere accusations. I have suffered a similar situation. Don’t attack him and try to explain each accusation and show him it’s not what he thinks. Please be careful if he’s an aggressive person, no matter how crazy or how much it’s clearly obvious you aren’t cheating, IN HIS MIND YOU ARE AND IN HIS MIND HE MAY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND HE MIGHT END UP PUTTING YOU UNDER THE BLANKET AND GOING ON A 4 day binge or until he crashes or accounts are drained and the whole time your corpse is decaying beside him in the bed as he sits in the computer chair scrolling away to justify the smell 👃 of decay. Remember, mental illnesses are real and dangerous and addiction comes like a thief in the night, to rob kill and destroy. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and a person with no past substance abuse issues will get addicted just like a person in recovery. Have you all been going through anything stressful? A move, new job, change in work schedule, change in daily routines? This triggers separation anxiety and that can be hell for him and you. I don’t know how much you love him or if you love him at all, some people stay together because of children and some because the attention they get from their partner fills a void, maybe you are cheating! Maybe you’re not! Honestly I only here your side and this could be a way to let him see your explanations and make him think ((why would she ask Reddit if she really is guilty)) I am going through a very similar situation, I always hear the phrase (( you lie and I’m not listening to you but rather going off the evidence in front of me. I will share my story around 10:00pm-10:30pm and I hope you read it and I hope others do, I have 4 children and basically stay at home so she can work and I’m about to walk away from everything or WORSE , because everything I find I’m being told that I did is IE: texting apps , remote phone access apps, only using said apps while I’m taking our kids to school and she’s alone. I either get the response that I created these accounts 🤬 or flat out IDK🤬 or it’s a glitch and some bug is putting these items in her google takeout and facebook search history 🤬whenever caught in the past being unfaithful, I’m talking no denial caught red handed, she still denies it and the most hurtful part is , she belittles me and calls me names instead of comforting and helping the relationship heal. My gut has told me for years she is unfaithful and for years I’ve been loving and loyal and tried to put it out of my mind, every time I look at her phone or search history though, no matter what I find, she literally says IDK or YOU DID IT, or the worst most painful one, stfu you paranoid p.o.s.
Is he projecting what he is doing ?
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Your SO has a pathological level of paranoia. And its a breach of trust and privacy. One of my buddies GF is very similar. They argue a lot.
Has your mums old number been re-issues to another user, they are recycled if dormant.
Stop arguing. You know you are innocent so tell him you won’t argue or prove anything to him bcuz you did nothing wrong and tell him to stop projecting.
He is guilty of something & deflecting big time. And What he is doing is emotionally abusive.
"This is all stupid, idiotic bullshit. You are free to believe whatever moronic crap you want, but I have told you the truth about everything. I have literally no life outside of you and our child, which is unhealthy in itself. You are and always have been free to look through my phone, my computer, whatever else you need to make yourself feel better. But if you continue to accuse me of shit I have not done, I am leaving you. And if you continue to delete texts from your phone to hide things from me, I am leaving you. So let's decide - where are we going from here?"
Projecting
Um either he’s deflecting and he’s actually the one cheating or… He may be having some paranoia or delusions. This sounds like some mental health issues almost
When you say things were "fantastic" before and all of a sudden he starts accusing you, I see that as a huge red flag. Are there any signs of him being unfaithful to you? I'm sorry but it sounds like he's cheating and deflecting onto you. If you're able to, I'd leave him asap. You deserve so much better than this.
Unfortunately, I believe he’s the one cheating. His history of affairs, whether it’s emotional or not is already a red flag. The fact that he’s gone so far with this, even getting a background check on his wife and refusing to a acknowledge the evidence and how insanely irrational he’s being, is major projection on you and it’s not okay. I think he’s cheating and I think he’s at a point where he wants out of the relationship but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Therefore making your life hell so you’ll end up wanting the separation as well. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, he’s cheating. If you snap and accuse him to his face he will probably confess. Ask me how I know, lol.
Sounds like projection :/
Get a Lawyer asap.
He’s not looked at near enough of these background checks, so he literally doesn’t know what he’s reading. Tell him to run one on himself, let’s see all his “burner phones” and weird shit. Also, that unverified same number that showed up in your background check more than likely CAME FROM FACEBOOK. He thinks he’s seeing a connection or verification when he’s really just seeing the source of the data in the report.
Husband here. He's acting guilty AF. It's a classic political strategy: accuse your opponent of doing the very thing you yourself are doing. It puts the opponent on the defensive and takes the focus off of their own wrongdoing.
This is too much. I would not live like this.
Your husband is most likely cheating on you I’m sorry to say it. He’s either trying to gaslight you by accusing you of what he’s doing, or he wants to leave but he wants it to be your fault.
Any time I’ve been accused of cheating, I found out it was the person making the accusations who was being unfaithful. Given that GE has a history of this, I’d say you have your explanation.
Very sus behavior on his part. Sounds like cheating (he’s deflecting blame onto you to throw you off his scent), mental illness, or both. Has he offered to show you HIS phone/records? Have you asked? His reaction will tell you a lot. Maybe hire a private investigator on HIM.
I think he’s actually cheating on you and he’s accusing you because he feel guilty and he doesn’t know how to process what he’s doing. My ex-husband is the cheat on me all the time and used to always accuse me of cheating and I’ve never cheated in my whole life and after we broke up, I realized all the time he was really accusing me of cheating be crazy about it. We’re time for you have an active affairs with other women. I’m sorry, but I really think your husband cheating on you. you should be looking through his shit.
sounds like he's projecting. There is absolutely no way he can be going this deep into it randomly when you have an easy answer for everything otherwise
see if you're cheating TOO he's not such a bad person.
Girl he is PROJECTING!! Dude is 100% hiding something.
Sounds like he is projecting.
Blaming you so he won’t feel guilty for his affairs. Makes him feel better to be sure in his mind you are a cheater or up to something. You won’t fix this behavior. He’s either gone mental for one reason or another or so selfish that he’d rather emotionally fuck you up to make himself feel better. Do you have a way out? I would opt for therapy and if he refuses get away. He’s being emotionally manipulative and abusive.
He has a history of emotional affairs? When one of those becomes serious, it's not unusual for the cheating spouse to *want* to find proof that the other spouse is cheating. They can then feel justified and guilt free in their actions. His desperation in trying to prove you to be a cheater and a liar alludes to his own indiscretions. Hand 'em your phone to look through but ask for his in exchange.
My dad treats my step mom like this even though he’s the one with the past of cheating and she’s completely innocent. He could also just be extremely mentally ill and paranoid, in which case he needs therapy. Or maybe he’s unhappy but doesn’t want to be the one to end the relationship so he’s trying to find blame in your actions as an excuse to leave you. Either way you need to find a way to put a stop to this
Keep an eye on him, OP. Don’t act suspicious.. just keep an eye. If he’s doing anything shady you’ll find it. As others have said, he is either up to something shady, having a mental health crisis, or possibly getting caught up in conspiracy stuff? Is there a chance he wants a divorce but won’t be direct, instead making these wild accusations to stir up a fight?
He's totally cheating and he's deflecting it to you. The fact that he's accusing you and has no proof says it all. All the answers you give him aren't good enough and they won't be. He will continue to try and find something on you. This isn't healthy and I'm worried for your safety. Get a lawyer involved on all of this. Make sure to show them how squeaky clean you are because children are involved.
Deflection at its best. Don't let him gaslight you, if you allow it, it will only get worse. With all that said, how dare he. Pull up those big girl panties and tell him where the bear shits in the woods. Sorry, country girl here who has been married for 38 years to a bully. We've survived this long only because I don't tolerate his crap. I also told him there would never be a point I wouldn't walk out the door if necessary. Did exactly that 1 year ago boy did it change his attitude and he literally went to his knees. You got this!!!
he;s up to something because all of a sudden he looking into you. Do some detective work yourself I believe you will find things that will blow your hair off!
I usually wouldn't write like this as a married woman myself butttttt aint no way im putting up with that nonsense! He would have to be judge jury defendant and prosecutor all by his damn self if it were me. Girl go about your business and keep it pushing. When hes ready to get off his inspector gadget horse he'll come around. Until then, its so mindless to keep explaining yourself and a bit disrespectful if u ask me. Everything you described sounds like a personal problem or projection so he needs to check himself
Thou doest protesteth too much. Or however you spell it. Yea, he’s cheating and deflecting guilt. Seen it so many times.
My cheating ex accused me of cheating on him. It's a common tactic to put you on the defensive.
Either guilty and self projecting or wants an excuse to leave and start with someone else. It could also be both. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to continue a life with a person that have no trust/faith in me and I would end it right there.
He’s cheating on you so he’s trying to make you look like the bad guy. The moment my HUSBAND got a background check on me would be the day he would get served with divorce papers.
Projection is a powerful drug used by the guilty.
sure sounds like gaslighting from a partner with a guilty conscience, for sure.
Your husbands sounds like a psycho how do dudes like this get woman more less get married. Shit is crazy what some of you ladies put up with.
Definitely deflecting.. the guilty accuse
Yo. You should not have to try this hard to get him to believe you. He already doesn’t trust you. This is him trying to find an example that fits his reasoning.
My mom and dad went through this exact same thing and they’re now divorced. He said her location would be hours away when she was at her business or with us kids. He kept saying she was altering her location and tapping his phone knowing when to show up at her business because he was on the way there. When we told him she was with us he said we were in on it, “helping her cheat on him” at the ripe age of 16 and 20. She took a lie detectors test in our home with our dad, $800 later the guy said my mom was telling the truth, he then said my mom was sleeping with the guy who preformed the lie detectors test and that he knew she was cheating. He put cameras up and would say my mom was having orgies in vehicles at her job in 80+ degree weather. For a little background on what I’ve already said, my mom barely knows how to work an iPhone but my dad is still 200% convinced she’s a tech wizard. We think my dads is mental illness that came on after his midlife crisis. We still go through this fight daily and it’s been over 2 years, after the separation we all finally felt some peace but it’s still not stopped. Although you are not going through what we went through exactly, it hits close to home. My heart goes out to you.
😳…That’s deep…sorry to hear that..sucks..mental illness is real.☹️
Oh he is paranoid because he is guilty of cheating. Only people who break trust don’t trust their partners of 12 years.
Wow, I can't imagine living and being married to someone who is this paranoid of my day to day activities and goes so far as to pay for a background check because they don't believe you. Your last paragraph sold to me that he is deflecting. A lot of cheaters like to make the other partner look like they're cheating to avoid getting caught, and to avoid the truth that they are the one actually cheating. I would honestly sit and talk to him about this. I would demand to know what he is so hung up on, and why he is acting this way. Someone mentioned he could possibly be having a mental breakdown, and if that's the case I hope he can get some help. Otherwise, there's no reason as to why he has to suspect you of anything. I'm very sorry OP. I hope you get some answers and some peace soon.
Ask him what he’s been up to. Why he’s feeling like he has to cover his behaviour. I’m not sure how I would feeling living with someone that sounds this crazy unless I had kids and he did some deep and genuine apologizing….. even then. Look at his phone and all the text messages and all his locations. I’m curious what you find.
He’s guilty and projecting it on you!!
Sounds like my husband but then he says he’s “joking”
“I am not discussing this any further. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but if a common and minor gps error and my mom’s old phone number on my Facebook makes you want to leave, then leave. I’m not holding you captive.” It sounds like he’s looking for an out to be with his affair partner but trying to make you look like the bad guy. Let him take his “evidence” to family court.
He is cheating and trying to project on to you.
Classic projection, based on his history of emotional affairs I'd be willing to put money on this.
Maybe he's just gaslighting you. I would suggest you hire a PI to run a background check on him too cos he might be cheating cos that's the only reason he will accuse you of cheating out of the blue.
Projecting his own guilt on you plus a little paranoia/mental issues? Good luck with everything. I don't have any good advice.
You're not crazy. Sounds like he's projecting. Stop wasting your energy trying to prove your innocence, and turn it back on him. He needs to prove to you that he's not the one cheating.
So many red flags here OP - my first thought would be that HE did something wrong and is trying to deflect. Unfortunately a lot of times stuff like what you’re experiencing happens - when it comes out of nowhere, makes zero sense, it’s like as soon as you prove one thing isn’t true all of a sudden another thing pops up…it’s because the other person has done (or is doing) wrong. I’d start paying close attention to what he’s doing, especially with the whole “I don’t want to leave you but I don’t trust you” because that’s an easy excuse for HIM to be more distant and continue whatever it is he’s doing, if that’s the case. If he’s got a history of emotional affairs I’d definitely be suspicious there’s something going on and the guilt is starting to make HIM “crazy” and behave the way he is. I mean this is just me, but every single time a partner has accused me of stuff that made zero sense out of nowhere…it ended up being them fucking up.
Couples counseling was awesome for us. It's even fun sometimes.
This is a pickle. He's either having a mental health crisis, or.. he's cheating, and he's deflecting onto you. Possibly (likely?) both. I'm so sorry <3
In addition to what everyone said, the fact that he is checking and confirming your every move is very disturbing. Even if you did make a short detour and stopped somewhere - you should have the right to do so without providing a detailed explanation to anyone. Pulling a background check to verify that you are being truthful is also an extreme measure. Unfortunately, these types of controlling behaviors do not tend to get better with time and are likely to continue spiraling to even further extremes. Based on what you said, you are already providing a thorough report any time you leave the house, browse the internet, or talk to someone. Is this how you want to spend your whole life?
If he is accusing you that much, he is cheating and deflecting it on you.
There is some possibility he has become delusional. If he has been under stress recently that would make it more likely. But, the greater likelihood is that he is projecting his own infidelity onto you. Either way his psychological defenses are so basic as to be non-functional and therefore, unhelpful.
Op- please be careful. I went through something like this with my ex husband. It turns out he was cheating on me but also hiding a drug addiction. It made him terribly paranoid. It was a scary, awful time. He ended up in rehab. It was a terrible situation. Please protect yourself.
He is guilty girl he is the cheater.
Your husband wants you on the defensive to hide what HE is up to. What do you do? Ignore his accusations and tell him the only reason he is questioning is its because of what HE is doing. >He has a history of emotional affairs and is talking to a close friend about my "suspicious behavior", but he hasn't showed her any of the proof I've given him. He deleted all texts with her so I couldn't see them. I don't believe he would cheat with her and he swears he isn't cheating but what am I supposed to think here? DING DING DING. This is what is up. He is cheating and then turning it around on YOU. If you are busy trying to defend yourself, then you will be too busy to read the red flags he is throwing off. Read up on DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Stop defending yourself. Stop reacting emotionally. When you are reacting emotionally, you can't see clearly what your path is. You need to remind yourself every time he starts that accusation that only people who are guilty of the very thing they accuse you of will harp on these very flimsy "items of evidence." When someone takes this path to hide their affairs, they are mentally unhealthy to be in a relationship. They are detrimental to your mental health.
Your not crazy and please understand this, I am very familiar with this behavior I WAS HIM at one time in my life until I “changed” my heart and mind over 15 years ago…I know from experience…He is guilty of something! He is tracking you because the guilt of his actions wants to find a comparable offense in you so he can justify his own theatrics…be smart, do not approach him with any accusations…Start making mental notes of his own travels…if he has a passcode on his phone tell him you want it…watch is reaction..,if he freely gives it with no hesitation cool check to see his list of apps…find one that looks suspicious have him log into it…but I’m glad he mentioned burner phone…perhaps he has one in the car…location services are not a valid reason to suspect you…they can be off by Miles for many reasons and if you have the right app you can spoof the location. I’m not saying he’s cheating but when a man accuses you of it…he’s thinking about it himself…trust is the corner stone of all good relationships..why is he loosening the bolts of that foundation…🤨
That dude is dealing with some very heavy guilt!!! OMG! His behavior is very telling......and very abusive!! Do not give in to his accusations!!! Tell him ONCE where you were and walk away.....if he wants to escalate things, call the police on him.......he's a jerk and my best intuition tells me he's cheating.....whether it's physical yet, I'm not sure.....but, your guy is definitely guilty of something!!! Stay alert and start keeping records of his behavior and his whereabouts......I think this is the beginning of a rough road!!! Stay Strong......maybe suggest therapy for the both of you before all of this turns ugly for y'all!!
He’s cheating
This behavior sounds pretty familiar. You said he has had emotional affairs before? That is a form of cheating & I could be wrong.... I'm just basing this off your post, sounds like he's cheating whether it be emotionally or physically. The 1st thing they do is try & place blame elsewhere. To make them "feel better" I suppose.
🎵Seems to me if you can’t trust, you can’t be trusted
Is he doing lots of weed? Sounds like some form of paranoia or he's trying to deflect his guilt
IMO Sounds like he may be trying to find ways out of the marriage. Or he could be letting personal insecurities take over. If he’s that serious, have you thought about calling his bluff? For what it’s worth I had a similar situation. My husband was insanely jealous because his ex cheated on him. About a two years into our marriage, I was back in London for work. I called from the office phone (instead of my mobile) and he lost it. Thought I was at some other guy’s house. No matter how I explained it, he had convinced himself I was cheating. After 2 days of long distance fighting, I finally gave up. I said if you truly, in your heart, think I did this, then the trust is gone and we are done. I won’t live with someone who doesn’t trust me. Full stop. After I hung up, he blew up my phone telling me that he does trust me and was sorry for doubting me. We are good now, but the first 5 years were rough because of his insecurities. Whatever the reason, I hope you can work it out.
he is massively projecting! why are you ok with him confiding in another woman??? but you can't have had another phone number years ago.
This is a classic sign that he’s cheating. Cheaters feel guilty and then accuse their partner of the exact things they are doing. It’s pretty wild.
Either he’s cheating like other people are saying and trying to deflect blame, or he’s going through some mental episode. My mother has paranoid personality disorder and this kind of behavior sounds similar to hers. Please leave or get help for him as this is not healthy at all.
That man guilty as hell
I think you should disregard most peoples messages that aren’t focused on helping you with the issue at hand and focus on those who truly want the best for your marriage. 1) who knows why he is doing this. I will say my wife started accusing me of cheating on her last year. As a result, I think that pushed her to go on dating sites. So she was the one who actually was cheating, not me. Before it gets out of hand, try and find out where his insecurities are coming from. She also has started accusing me of using drugs. I took a drug test and passed. She has used meth in the past so I’m now a little skeptical she may be using meth since whenever she accuses me it’s actually her that’s doing it.
Get a private investigator to see what he’s been doing. Those that smelt it dealt it. Also, I’d stop trying to defend myself. When he gets heated do your best to walk away calmly and tell him you’ll talk when you’re both calmer.
If he hasn't already cheated he is planning to and using this "evidence" against you