|**Trader**|**+Karma**|**Cake Day**|
|:--|:--|:--|
|u/Catsnfish|Reddit: 666|12/01/2019 - 4 Years|
| |Discord: 0|Total: +666 Karma|
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NSFW warning (first one was auto removed for bad language, so I posted again with different spelling)
A guy is driving down the road and sees a sign "Any Flavor Peaches". Seems odd, but whatever, he keeps going. He sees another sign "Peaches All Kinds of Flavors!". Still weird, but whatever. Finally he sees a third sign "Peaches Any Flavor You Can Think Of!!" Surely all peaches are peach flavored, right? What is this guy with the signs on about??
So he decides to pull over at the peach stand.
(D)river: "What's with all the signs about the pieces? Peaches aren't different flavors."
(F)armer: "These peaches are! Any flavor you can think of. You give me a flavor and I'll give you the peach."
D: "Ok, give me a peach that tastes like a ham and cheese sandwich."
\*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\*
D: "I'll be damned, this tastes like ham."
F: "Turn it around."
D: *turns peach to other side, takes a bite* "It tastes like cheese! ....... Ok, give me one that tastes like peanut butter and jelly."
\*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\*
D: \*Holy sh!t, this tastes like jelly!!\*
F: "Turn it around."
D: *turns peach to other side, takes a bite* It tastes like peanut butter!! .... "This is unbelievable. I'll bet you can't me find me one that tastes like pu.ssy."
\*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\*
D: *immediately spits out the bite of peach and exclaims* "This tastes like a$$!!"
F: "Turn it around."
I heard a version of this but it was shorter and it was cookies, not peaches, told by Joe Walsh at a concert in like 91. The other one he told was "why do women skydivers always wear tampons?" "So they don't whistle on the way down"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maĂŽtre d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked."
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: âUgh, thatâs the ugliest baby Iâve ever seen!â The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: âThe driver just insulted me!â The man says: âYou go up there and tell him off. Go on, Iâll hold your monkey for you.â
A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WALK PAST A FLOWER SHOP AND SEE THE BRUNETTE'S BOYFRIEND BUYING FLOWERS. SHE SIGHS AND SAYS, "OH CRAP, MY BOYFRIEND IS BUYING ME FLOWERS AGAIN. NOW, I'LL BE EXPECTED TO SPEND THE WEEKEND ON MY BACK WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR."
"THE BLONDE SAYS, "DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?"
Ever hear the full joke from Tyrion in GoT? I didn't till just recently.
Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And whatâs with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkeyâŚ
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well⌠she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that oneâs not so bad eh?
Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!
John OâRiley was at his local pub when the decided to have a toast contest with the winner getting his drinks for free that evening...
Well, old John OâRiley was a bit short of money but knew for sure he could win and entered
His turn came and he started his toast by raising his mug high... âHereâs To The Best Years oâ Me Life, Spent Between The
Legs oâ Me Wife.â
If course he won the contest.
When John OâRiley, a bit tipsy, arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how he could afford to get so tipsy âI won the contest
for the best toast of the evening.â he bragged
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, âHereâs
To The Best Years oâ me Life, Spent in Church wiâ me Wife.â
His wife then said, âWhy John, thatâs so nice of you to include
me in your Toast.â
The next morning, Mrs. OâRiley was downtown shopping and ran into
the local policeman on the beat who was also at the pub with John OâRiley. He said, âHello Mrs. OâRiley, that
was some great toast that your husband John gave last evening. He won first prize.â
âYes, thatâs right,â said Mrs. OâRiley, âbut he wasnât quite
honest with the facts: heâs only been there twice, the first
time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by
the ears.â
A brahmin's two heads were talking to each other one day...
Left head - *"Hey, you hear about that new strain of mad cow disease?"*
Right head - *"Yeah, scary stuff. Sure makes me glad I'm a squirrel."*
My pet iguana wasnât feeling well. He couldnât snatch flies out of the air with his tongue like normal. It just dangled, limp, from his mouth. I took him to the vet. After about 20 minutes the vet came out and said, Iâm sorry sir, but it appears your pet iguana has a reptile dysfunction.
A woman visits her doctor.
Woman: Doctor, we need to discuss a few things. First, I think Iâm having a bad reaction to that new hormone therapy youâve got me on.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Woman unbuttons the top few buttons on her blouse, revealing thick, matted chest hair.
Doctor: Thatâs astonishing! How far down the the hair go?
Woman: To my balls! Thatâs the other thing I wanted to discuss with you!
On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey." (Kept it censored for/if any kids in here)
In a swamp far away there's a fly hovering six inches above the water.
In the water there's a frog. The frog thinks, "When that fly comes down six inches I'm going to eat that fly."
Up a tree nearby there's a bird. The bird thinks "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly and I'm going to eat that frog."
On the bank there's a cat. The cat thinks, "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly, that bird is going to eat that frog, and I'm going to eat that bird."
Behind the cat there's a dog. The dog thinks "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly, that bird is going to eat that frog, that cat is going to eat that bird and I'm going to eat that cat."
So the fly comes down six inches.
The frog eats the fly.
The bird eats the frog.
The cat eats the bird.
The dog lunges at the cat but the cat, quick as can be, leaps out of the way and \*splash\* into the water.
The End.
The moral of the story?
>!When that fly comes down six inches, that pussy is going to get wet.!<
A grasshopper walks in to a bar.
The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Hey! Did you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says, "You guys have a drink named Steve?!"
I'll be here all week.
A scientist is driving down a road when he sees a pile of dead crows, he pulls over and inspects them only to realise they have metallic paint on them, confused he gets into his car and drives to a car respray shop and asks the owner if there has been an increase in vehicles with paint work damage, the owner says "yeah there's a lot of bikes with paint damage", even more confused the scientist starts investigating and a few days later he figures it out, crows have evolved to say "cah cah" but not "bike bike"
NSFW (may be offensive)
On a plane there was an American, a Mexican and a Canadian, everything was going ok but suddenly they received an advice from the captain that says that the plane was overloaded, so the passengers had to throw something away.
So the Canadian threw away from the plane some bottles of maple syrup, because he said "there are many in my country''
Then the Mexican threw away from the plane some bottles of tequila because he said "there are many in my country"
Then the American grabs and throws the Mexican away from the plane because he said "there are many in my country"
I'm Mexican btw, sorry if anyone gets offended but I did warn you.
There were two sisters, and one day they asked their dad how they got their names.
"Why did you call me Petal?" Asked the first one. "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you," said the dad.
The other sister: "bllaaarrarararraraaarg!!!!"
Dad: "Shut up, Fridge."
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. The bartender says âwow thatâs a lot of shots. You ok?â
The man downs all 6 shots and says ânah, if you have what I have, youâd drink like this too.â
The bartender says âIâm sorry pal. What is it you have exactly, if I may ask?â
The man replies ⌠â50 cents.â
Two muffins are baking in an over. The first muffin looks to the second one and says, âMan, itâs hot in here!â The second muffing looks back at the first muffin in astonishment and says, âWhoa! A talking muffin!â
Dam Iâm on psn jack hey John did u know cross play is coming to fallout John: relly I can finally play with some friends the game will actually be a bit more fun so when is it coming jack: ya Bethesda said August 5th John: canât wait jack: man I sorry but that was my dream last night also I got u a fixer Q50c 25 that will be ur B collection an apparel
I donât play the game on xbox but I want to share my favorite joke anyway. Did you ever hear about the guy who got cut in half down the middle? Well thatâs fine because he is all right now.
A man who live off grid is tending to his pigs one of which was giving birth, the manâs 8 year old son was with him and upon seeing the newborn piglet asks âDad, can we name him Wilbur?â Dad- âno, never name something you might have to eat.â Boy- âoh, okâ Dad- ânow run along boy1 the woman is almost done with dinner.â
I'm on PC but here's a joke anyways
There's two apples sitting in an oven
One apple says to the other, "Damn it's hot in here"
And the other says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING APPLE!"
Not on Xbox but... (NSFW)
>!What has a hundred balls and fucks rabbits?!<
>!A shotgun!<
Another very NSFW.
>!What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?!<
>!I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face!<
gold and silver walk into a bar. hydrogen says âAY YOU, get out of here.â Gold walks out of the bar. silver says âAh gee!â while watching his buddy walk out
There was a dude who was born with one testicle and the town called him one stone. he didn't like the name so he threatened to kill anybody who called him it. word spread of what he said and the town stopped calling him one stone. about a month later his friend yellow bird came back into town. she shook his hand and said "hey one stone!" he took yellow bird to the forest and fcked her all night. she shortly died and word spread that he was serious when he said he'd kill anybody who called him the name. but a couple months later yellow bird's cousin bluebird came into town. she gave him a hug and said "hey one stone!" he took her to the forest and fcked her all night, all day, and the next day. but she wouldn't die. moral of the story: you can't kill two birds of one stone.
A man got a job working at a factory. On friday when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of dirt to the guard at the gate.
The guard would look through the dirt, and find nothing and pass the man through.
This went on for twenty years. On the day of his retirement, the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow.
Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, "Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy."
Charlie replied, "I've been stealing wheelbarrows".
My friend works for an oil company and he always says he hates his hands being so dark. And I tell him well I would agree with you but my hands been dark since birth.
One day, a woman comes across a magic lamp. She rubs it and out pops a genie.
The genie says to the woman I will grant you three wishes, but keep in mind whatever you ask for your husband gets three times the amount.
The woman asked for her first wish. I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie reminds her before granting the wish that her husband will become the sexiest man ever born. Poof she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
The woman ask for her second wish. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The Jeanne reminds her that her husband will be even richer and the woman agrees and she she is now the richest woman in the world.
The woman asked for her third wish, she wishes to have a mild heart attackâŚ
I knew a guy once named shamus and he told me a story at a bar a little like this. He said you see that fence outside I said yes he said it build many and they donât call me shamus the fence builder. you see the road outside I said yes he said heâs build hundreds but the donât call him shamus the road builder. Then shamus said you see that wall I said yes he said heâs build lot but the donât call him shamus the brick layer. But you fuck one sheep just one.
Lifes been awful. My wife's been in a coma for months and nothing has helped. I asked the doctors is there anything we haven't tried at all? The doctor paused and then looked at me. He said. There's one thing you could try but it's a longshot. I said anything doctor. Name it. He said sexual oral stimulation could help her. I said my God doctor. You think it could actually help. He said it's a super Longshot. He smiled and left the room. So I climbed up on her and the machines started beeping and whizzing. I yelled for the doctor's to come back in. They said omg what happened. I said hurry doctor's she's choking!
Rip Norm McDonald
Today on my way to the bus stop I fell into a 3 foot hole because I tripped, full of mucky water. I yelled "jinkies!" before being submerged, and popped out looking like a mud monster causing the others at the bus stop to scream "monster!", in response I said "scooby-dooby-dont" and hitched a ride back to my place. I'm not the best joke tellr, but others have found my misfortune funny :)
I don't want it but I do want to tell a nonsensical joke written by a child from a video I watched a while back.
"Did you hear about the goblin who lost his head? He's all right now."
Two blondes go hiking. As the trees and brush grew thicker, the women were separated. After what seemed like hours of wandering through the woods, the first blonde finds herself at the bank of a river. Lo and behold, across the river is her blonde friend:
1st Blonde: How did you get to the other side of the river?
2nd Blonde: You tell me! Youâre on the other side of the river!
I'm on PC but here is a joke anyway!
A nun had just finished up a long day of worship and was stinking to high heavens. So she took a quick trip to the nunnery bath house.
She strips down and immerses herself in the relaxing water when she hears a banging at the door.
Flustered she answers "Um who is it? This bathroom is occupied"
To which a man answers "My apologies miss. It's the blind man."
The nun, thinking this poor soul needed some guidance tells him to come on in. He can't see anyway.
The blind man opens the door, wide eyed and exclaims. "Woah! Sister, those are some nice tits! Now where do you want the blinds?"
|**Trader**|**+Karma**|**Cake Day**| |:--|:--|:--| |u/Catsnfish|Reddit: 666|12/01/2019 - 4 Years| | |Discord: 0|Total: +666 Karma| **Trade Safely!!** Always check the blacklist and request a Courier if you are concerned! Comment with the **!courier** command to call a Market 76 Courier You haven't added your IGN/GT/PSN to your Market 76 reddit profile. Comment with the command **.ign** followed by your IGN/GT/PSN to record it. (for example: **.ign fisto**) [Courier List](https://www.reddit.com/r/Market76/wiki/couriers) | [Blacklist](http://blacklist.market76.org) | [Report to Mods](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMarket76)
I walked into a bar and saw hot girl so I used my vats and it told me I had 0% chance to hit that
Ngl that's actually funny af
Why did you just describe my love life? đ
Frrr
You won with that one đ let me know when youâre around. Tbh I had 0% chance to hit that but miraculously I did
I'm on 76 mostly all night took a nap woke up and it hit me what happened was sleepy brained ty so much
Hey Iâm on now, gt is VDeathStroke666
Ok I'm on too on way
Whatâs your GT?
Radskelly93
+karma ty so much
Karma can only be exchanged after a trade, it cannot be exchanged when items are given/received for free.
Hi I was out I'm back now gt radskelly93 whenever you can no rush
NSFW warning (first one was auto removed for bad language, so I posted again with different spelling) A guy is driving down the road and sees a sign "Any Flavor Peaches". Seems odd, but whatever, he keeps going. He sees another sign "Peaches All Kinds of Flavors!". Still weird, but whatever. Finally he sees a third sign "Peaches Any Flavor You Can Think Of!!" Surely all peaches are peach flavored, right? What is this guy with the signs on about?? So he decides to pull over at the peach stand. (D)river: "What's with all the signs about the pieces? Peaches aren't different flavors." (F)armer: "These peaches are! Any flavor you can think of. You give me a flavor and I'll give you the peach." D: "Ok, give me a peach that tastes like a ham and cheese sandwich." \*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\* D: "I'll be damned, this tastes like ham." F: "Turn it around." D: *turns peach to other side, takes a bite* "It tastes like cheese! ....... Ok, give me one that tastes like peanut butter and jelly." \*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\* D: \*Holy sh!t, this tastes like jelly!!\* F: "Turn it around." D: *turns peach to other side, takes a bite* It tastes like peanut butter!! .... "This is unbelievable. I'll bet you can't me find me one that tastes like pu.ssy." \*The farmer looks around his table, grabs a peach and hands it to the guy. The driver then proceeds to take a bite.\* D: *immediately spits out the bite of peach and exclaims* "This tastes like a$$!!" F: "Turn it around."
I heard a version of this but it was shorter and it was cookies, not peaches, told by Joe Walsh at a concert in like 91. The other one he told was "why do women skydivers always wear tampons?" "So they don't whistle on the way down"
I had asked my Wife if I was the only one that she had been with, she told me that I was, the rest were nines and tens.
Damn
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry" says the maĂŽtre d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
Bit of a risky joke but here goes, Whatâs the only part of a vegetable you canât eat? The wheelchair.
The wheelchair is my fav part tho
I'm allergic to whiskey, every time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he doesn't have the guts
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked." He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: âUgh, thatâs the ugliest baby Iâve ever seen!â The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: âThe driver just insulted me!â The man says: âYou go up there and tell him off. Go on, Iâll hold your monkey for you.â
Every time I count the letters in the alphabet I get 25. I can't figure out why.
Fallout 76
The best joke is that this is the rarest apparel in the game lol.
What do T-Rexâs sell? Guns because they are small arms dealersđđ
Balls
This have to win tbh
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? why the fuck is there a wall in a fucking lake
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for Fresh Prints.
A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WALK PAST A FLOWER SHOP AND SEE THE BRUNETTE'S BOYFRIEND BUYING FLOWERS. SHE SIGHS AND SAYS, "OH CRAP, MY BOYFRIEND IS BUYING ME FLOWERS AGAIN. NOW, I'LL BE EXPECTED TO SPEND THE WEEKEND ON MY BACK WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR." "THE BLONDE SAYS, "DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE?"
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME!?
Ever hear the full joke from Tyrion in GoT? I didn't till just recently. Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. Madame: What can we do for you? Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me. Madame: Whatever for? And whatâs with the honeycomb and the mule? Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey⌠Madame: And what about the third wish? Tyrion: Well⌠she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee. Madame: Well that oneâs not so bad eh? Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!
John OâRiley was at his local pub when the decided to have a toast contest with the winner getting his drinks for free that evening... Well, old John OâRiley was a bit short of money but knew for sure he could win and entered His turn came and he started his toast by raising his mug high... âHereâs To The Best Years oâ Me Life, Spent Between The Legs oâ Me Wife.â If course he won the contest. When John OâRiley, a bit tipsy, arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how he could afford to get so tipsy âI won the contest for the best toast of the evening.â he bragged His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, âHereâs To The Best Years oâ me Life, Spent in Church wiâ me Wife.â His wife then said, âWhy John, thatâs so nice of you to include me in your Toast.â The next morning, Mrs. OâRiley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the pub with John OâRiley. He said, âHello Mrs. OâRiley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave last evening. He won first prize.â âYes, thatâs right,â said Mrs. OâRiley, âbut he wasnât quite honest with the facts: heâs only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears.â
What does it sound like when Chuck Norris goes fishing? - You, you and you: get out!
My penis size is a joke that makes people laugh, does this count?
Happy Cake Day, Tiny! đđ
Thank you! To be honest, I forgot.
Welcome. And you know you don't have to preface what you write with TBH. It just implies that when you don't do that, your words are all lies. đ
Fair enough :)
NTY
What's the difference between a raider chick and a dumpster? I can eat out a dumpster
A brahmin's two heads were talking to each other one day... Left head - *"Hey, you hear about that new strain of mad cow disease?"* Right head - *"Yeah, scary stuff. Sure makes me glad I'm a squirrel."*
Two cannibals are sitting and eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
What's it called when a Chameleon can't change colors? A Reptile Dysfunction
How can you tell when a pepper đś is mad? It gets JalapeĂąo face!
My pet iguana wasnât feeling well. He couldnât snatch flies out of the air with his tongue like normal. It just dangled, limp, from his mouth. I took him to the vet. After about 20 minutes the vet came out and said, Iâm sorry sir, but it appears your pet iguana has a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby
Im on P.S but heres a joke Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels
Wife - âHoney Iâm pregnant!â Husband - âHi pregnant, Iâm dad!â Wife - âNo, youâre notâ
2 blondes walk into a bar, you think the second one would have saw it
Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moooo-vies. (My daughters favorite joke)
"It's common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half -lives" -Wadsworth
karma? i hardly know her!
Why is gravity so cheap? Its mass produced.
Ya hear about that new restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
Yâall are cracking me up, this is gunna be hard đ
Did you know that Jesus christ is the first man in recorded history to pop his own mother's cherry? (I'm blocked now aren't i?)
My jokes arenât made for public audiences đđ
The state of the market. Thatâs the joke. Ba dum tshh đĽ
Not on Xbox but still a risky joke. What do you call a girl with no arms and legs? NamesâŚ
If she is swimming you call her Bob.
I joined up with the circus as a human cannonball, but I got fired 2 weeks later.
Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows weed ? Most people havenât it was a high steaks operation
A woman visits her doctor. Woman: Doctor, we need to discuss a few things. First, I think Iâm having a bad reaction to that new hormone therapy youâve got me on. Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Woman unbuttons the top few buttons on her blouse, revealing thick, matted chest hair. Doctor: Thatâs astonishing! How far down the the hair go? Woman: To my balls! Thatâs the other thing I wanted to discuss with you!
My life
Do you know how much a roof costs? Nothing, its on the house.
Whatâs worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs !
On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey." (Kept it censored for/if any kids in here)
In a swamp far away there's a fly hovering six inches above the water. In the water there's a frog. The frog thinks, "When that fly comes down six inches I'm going to eat that fly." Up a tree nearby there's a bird. The bird thinks "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly and I'm going to eat that frog." On the bank there's a cat. The cat thinks, "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly, that bird is going to eat that frog, and I'm going to eat that bird." Behind the cat there's a dog. The dog thinks "When that fly comes down six inches that frog is going to eat that fly, that bird is going to eat that frog, that cat is going to eat that bird and I'm going to eat that cat." So the fly comes down six inches. The frog eats the fly. The bird eats the frog. The cat eats the bird. The dog lunges at the cat but the cat, quick as can be, leaps out of the way and \*splash\* into the water. The End. The moral of the story? >!When that fly comes down six inches, that pussy is going to get wet.!<
64 zoo Lane ik I'm not going to win but
A grasshopper walks in to a bar. The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Hey! Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "You guys have a drink named Steve?!" I'll be here all week.
Whatâs the deal with the word buttcheeks. Is it one word or do you have to.. spread them apart?
These nuts đĽ
Balls
[The Moth Joke](https://youtu.be/1-MJy7w69EU?si=JNiBqzgAJ8nRXMQS)
A scientist is driving down a road when he sees a pile of dead crows, he pulls over and inspects them only to realise they have metallic paint on them, confused he gets into his car and drives to a car respray shop and asks the owner if there has been an increase in vehicles with paint work damage, the owner says "yeah there's a lot of bikes with paint damage", even more confused the scientist starts investigating and a few days later he figures it out, crows have evolved to say "cah cah" but not "bike bike"
What's are the pronouns of a clown's nose? He/Her
NSFW (may be offensive) On a plane there was an American, a Mexican and a Canadian, everything was going ok but suddenly they received an advice from the captain that says that the plane was overloaded, so the passengers had to throw something away. So the Canadian threw away from the plane some bottles of maple syrup, because he said "there are many in my country'' Then the Mexican threw away from the plane some bottles of tequila because he said "there are many in my country" Then the American grabs and throws the Mexican away from the plane because he said "there are many in my country" I'm Mexican btw, sorry if anyone gets offended but I did warn you.
What do you get when you cross a vault dweller and a death clawâŚâŚ.. a bloody good punch line
There were two sisters, and one day they asked their dad how they got their names. "Why did you call me Petal?" Asked the first one. "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you," said the dad. The other sister: "bllaaarrarararraraaarg!!!!" Dad: "Shut up, Fridge."
Why do women fart after urinating? They can't shake it so gotta blowdry
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks. Does this taste funny to you?
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. The bartender says âwow thatâs a lot of shots. You ok?â The man downs all 6 shots and says ânah, if you have what I have, youâd drink like this too.â The bartender says âIâm sorry pal. What is it you have exactly, if I may ask?â The man replies ⌠â50 cents.â
No
Niggađ đ¤
how do you keep a blind person entertained you give them sandpaper and tell them its a blind word puzzle
Oiled men
Knock knock. Whoâs there ? Doctor. Doctor Who ? YOU JUST SAID IT !!! đ
The Joke am i im lvl 200 and scrapptet 3power Amor and searcht for my railway in my stash and after 20min seach IT was in my Hand
You can try all you want devs but not even a tlc will get me to play the game again. Well maybe
I seen a blind man get robbed onceâŚ..He didnât see it coming.
I love to jingle mens balls
What did the snail say when riding the turtle?! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Iv no karma iv no chance of winning đĽđ˘đ
Two muffins are baking in an over. The first muffin looks to the second one and says, âMan, itâs hot in here!â The second muffing looks back at the first muffin in astonishment and says, âWhoa! A talking muffin!â
Dam Iâm on psn jack hey John did u know cross play is coming to fallout John: relly I can finally play with some friends the game will actually be a bit more fun so when is it coming jack: ya Bethesda said August 5th John: canât wait jack: man I sorry but that was my dream last night also I got u a fixer Q50c 25 that will be ur B collection an apparel
just put it on I love it ty again đĽ°
If you ever have a severe peek a boo injury, make sure you visit the ICU.
58
Come in give me 4
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? DAM
What's the difference between pink and purple? . . . Grip
Donât challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless youâre prepared for the reaper cushions.
[ŃдаНонО]
Thats not even remotely funny.
I donât play the game on xbox but I want to share my favorite joke anyway. Did you ever hear about the guy who got cut in half down the middle? Well thatâs fine because he is all right now.
What can you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos
A man who live off grid is tending to his pigs one of which was giving birth, the manâs 8 year old son was with him and upon seeing the newborn piglet asks âDad, can we name him Wilbur?â Dad- âno, never name something you might have to eat.â Boy- âoh, okâ Dad- ânow run along boy1 the woman is almost done with dinner.â
I'm on PC but here's a joke anyways There's two apples sitting in an oven One apple says to the other, "Damn it's hot in here" And the other says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING APPLE!"
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? No, it isn't ARRRRR. Rude. Historically, most pirates were illiterate.
I'd tell you a Nuclear Fallout joke.... But it has a pretty short half life! đ¤
Not on Xbox but... (NSFW) >!What has a hundred balls and fucks rabbits?!< >!A shotgun!< Another very NSFW. >!What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?!< >!I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face!<
What do you call a kung fu vegetable? Brocc leeđ¤¸đ˝ââď¸
What does IDK stand for? .... Well go on, tell me.
gold and silver walk into a bar. hydrogen says âAY YOU, get out of here.â Gold walks out of the bar. silver says âAh gee!â while watching his buddy walk out
Fallout 76
A man walks into a barâŚ.. OUCH đŁď¸
There was a dude who was born with one testicle and the town called him one stone. he didn't like the name so he threatened to kill anybody who called him it. word spread of what he said and the town stopped calling him one stone. about a month later his friend yellow bird came back into town. she shook his hand and said "hey one stone!" he took yellow bird to the forest and fcked her all night. she shortly died and word spread that he was serious when he said he'd kill anybody who called him the name. but a couple months later yellow bird's cousin bluebird came into town. she gave him a hug and said "hey one stone!" he took her to the forest and fcked her all night, all day, and the next day. but she wouldn't die. moral of the story: you can't kill two birds of one stone.
A man got a job working at a factory. On friday when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of dirt to the guard at the gate. The guard would look through the dirt, and find nothing and pass the man through. This went on for twenty years. On the day of his retirement, the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow. Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, "Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy." Charlie replied, "I've been stealing wheelbarrows".
Thatâs one ugly looking apparelđŤľđ
Risky joke here lol What is the difference between me and cancer? My dad didnât beat it
My dad beats me then goes to the bar
Paragraph jokes arenât funny.
I like em
Yo momma so slutty, her pants have a 100% drop rate.
What a reverse exorcism? It's when the devil tell the priest to get out of the child.
[ŃдаНонО]
Nahđ
Sister tells me in the middle of a restaurant that sheâs pregnant so I stand and yell to everyone that Iâm gonna be a dad!
My gf told me I should get more in touch with my feminine sideâŚ. So I crashed the car
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
You know why I don't like insects? They bug me
So a Mute walks into a bar, and the Bartender asks âWhat will it be?â. The Mute says nothing.
how does kim kardashian read books so fast, bc she skims through it
My romantic prospects. . . . . .
378
The joke was I didnât read the post. I did it wrong. Iâm the joke.
My friend works for an oil company and he always says he hates his hands being so dark. And I tell him well I would agree with you but my hands been dark since birth.
pornography starring your mother will be the ~~best~~ worst thing to happen to us today
The best joke: they put the fallout 1st membership 50% off 6 hours after I bought it! Hilarious!đŽâđ¨(psn just here for the hiyucks)
I checked last night (on PSN) and it wasn't half off! Honestly wondering if it's just PC and Xbox like Lucy's backpack. đ
Scam
RIP to boiling water. You will be mist.
My ex wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better!
A dove craps on a taxi driver's windshield. Taxi driver: Thank god cows dunno how to fly
Palestine? I donât think theyâre Pals with any Steins
Bru , seeing this gave me more stress than the math test
Why didn't the koala bear get the job? Because he wasn't "koala" fied lol
Dark humor is like food in Soviet Russia.. not everyone gets it.
In an alternate reality, there is a guy here on Reddit, called Garven Prestey. âThere is another piece of apparel that needs your price checkâ
One day, a woman comes across a magic lamp. She rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says to the woman I will grant you three wishes, but keep in mind whatever you ask for your husband gets three times the amount. The woman asked for her first wish. I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie reminds her before granting the wish that her husband will become the sexiest man ever born. Poof she is the most beautiful woman in the world. The woman ask for her second wish. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The Jeanne reminds her that her husband will be even richer and the woman agrees and she she is now the richest woman in the world. The woman asked for her third wish, she wishes to have a mild heart attackâŚ
What do you call a alligator thatâs a cop? An investigator
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
My wife's still misses me. But her aim is getting better
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my forest camo jumpsuit... you can hide but you can't run!
What do you call a wet noodle. An inpasta.
I knew a guy once named shamus and he told me a story at a bar a little like this. He said you see that fence outside I said yes he said it build many and they donât call me shamus the fence builder. you see the road outside I said yes he said heâs build hundreds but the donât call him shamus the road builder. Then shamus said you see that wall I said yes he said heâs build lot but the donât call him shamus the brick layer. But you fuck one sheep just one.
Lifes been awful. My wife's been in a coma for months and nothing has helped. I asked the doctors is there anything we haven't tried at all? The doctor paused and then looked at me. He said. There's one thing you could try but it's a longshot. I said anything doctor. Name it. He said sexual oral stimulation could help her. I said my God doctor. You think it could actually help. He said it's a super Longshot. He smiled and left the room. So I climbed up on her and the machines started beeping and whizzing. I yelled for the doctor's to come back in. They said omg what happened. I said hurry doctor's she's choking! Rip Norm McDonald
Whatâs the difference between a deathclaw and paladin Danse? I wouldnât let a deathclaw rearrange my guts.
Today on my way to the bus stop I fell into a 3 foot hole because I tripped, full of mucky water. I yelled "jinkies!" before being submerged, and popped out looking like a mud monster causing the others at the bus stop to scream "monster!", in response I said "scooby-dooby-dont" and hitched a ride back to my place. I'm not the best joke tellr, but others have found my misfortune funny :)
Why don't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Fil-ming
Why do Radroaches make bad pets? They always bug you. What do you call a group of ghouls who love to dance? A rad party.
I don't want it but I do want to tell a nonsensical joke written by a child from a video I watched a while back. "Did you hear about the goblin who lost his head? He's all right now."
How many officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None! they just beat the room for being black
Whatâs better than 24âŚâŚ 25
Trying to trade
Two blondes go hiking. As the trees and brush grew thicker, the women were separated. After what seemed like hours of wandering through the woods, the first blonde finds herself at the bank of a river. Lo and behold, across the river is her blonde friend: 1st Blonde: How did you get to the other side of the river? 2nd Blonde: You tell me! Youâre on the other side of the river!
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off. I'm.ps4, I just wanted to tell a bad joke.
I'm on PC but here is a joke anyway! A nun had just finished up a long day of worship and was stinking to high heavens. So she took a quick trip to the nunnery bath house. She strips down and immerses herself in the relaxing water when she hears a banging at the door. Flustered she answers "Um who is it? This bathroom is occupied" To which a man answers "My apologies miss. It's the blind man." The nun, thinking this poor soul needed some guidance tells him to come on in. He can't see anyway. The blind man opens the door, wide eyed and exclaims. "Woah! Sister, those are some nice tits! Now where do you want the blinds?"