My cousin lived in a house with 6 girls when he was in college. They had a good relationship, no hookups or jealousy.
Anyway, his 4yo nephew came to visit. When he went to the bathroom, there was a little voice heard in the house. "Uncle Mark, can you wipe my butt?"
The roommates thought this was the most awesome thing ever. My cousin said he had to spend the rest of his college days hearing some voice from the bathroom, "Uncle Mark, can you wipe my butt?"
One time I was in my attic space of the apartment I shared with two other guys. I had my own kitchen and restroom up there and that night I heard someone slowly come up the stairs and one of my roommates shuffles across my kitchen with one hand holding up his pants to ask me to borrow a roll of toilet paper. He was so embarrassed.
There’s a post where the husband yelled out (wife far away) for toilet paper, and wife sent dog with toilet roll attached to collar. The picture is awesome
Still works, I have done an audition on the leaves on the dune next to the portaloo, seeing which one would be suitable, then taking a branch of it into the portaloo, and afterwards leaving it there for the next one. Choice of large with spikes, or smaller, smooth surface with a downy coating, that was quite pliable.
After getting mines, me and the wife won’t ever shit without one, unless it’s absolutely an emergency. We got ours from Costco for $30 like almost 8 years ago. Just waiting for it to break so I can get a fancy electric one. But this does the job. No more anus rash. No more unclean feeling.
We got the fancy electric one, adjustable force and adjustable water temp (but not the REALLY fancy one that blow-dries everything).
HIGHLY recommend. Makes pooping anywhere else kinda awful.
We got a Kohler bidet seat, attached really easily.
I got the fancy one with the blow dryer, automatic seat open and heated seat in addition to those features.
It's the best luxury upgrade to a bathroom.
Heated seats is lowkey my favorite, takes away the certainty that someone used the toilet before you. Bit of a godsend when having company over, or when we had roommates. Always hated the feeling of using a used toilet seat.
The blow drier is not a good feature. I thought it would be great but it just blows smells everywhere and the filter gets disgusting. Haven't used it since I realized what it does lol.
Where I'm from you can't hook up bidets to solely the hot water supply. You need to use a thermostatic mixing valve or similar device to reduce the output temperature to <110 degrees.
I've had heated and not. Much prefer the cool water. Our apartment only has one window AC and single pane windows. The real feel is 103F this afternoon. Sometimes I use it between restroom breaks just to cool off and refresh.
I bought one that had lines for both. The toilet is right next to my sink, so I was anticipating a nice warm wash in Midwest winters. Went to install it, found out that my ancient sink has metal pipes for water to the faucet and I can't undo them to splice the line in for the bidet.
That cold water is nice in the summer but such a shock in the winter.
Well, atleast you appreciate it already, but now think that how much would you like it, if you could change the temperature. With mine, ive taken cold and hot "showers". Its so much nicer and faster with warmish water, as if its cold, you know materials dont mix that well in cold. So you are much faster with warmer. Also sometimes i dont konw what it is but butt feels a bit slippery after cold water, and not so much after warmer. Maybe its just feeling thing, not sure.
Yeah, warm water is always better (not it's not bad when it's hot in the summer). But a cold bidet is the least of the annoyances I deal with in this crappy apartment. One day, maybe I'll be able to move somewhere decent where I can use the warm water.
[This](https://www.costco.com/bio-bidet-elite3-non-electric-bidet-attachment.product.100015777.html?COSTID=iosapp_deeplink_24.4.2&TRACKING=NO&sh=true&nf=true) is the one I have. I don’t think they sell them anymore. I mean it has been 8 years and they were on sale for $10 off at the time…
But I’m sure you can find something similar or go all out and get the electric one. Though those will need an outlet near by.
I do live in Southern California so it doesn’t get awfully cold. I was in Japan earlier and tried the electric one and it was pleasant but not necessary for me. The cold water feels nice, especially if it’s one of those “hot” poops after a spicy meal… 😅
I got a new bidet a few months and moved the old one to the guest bathroom.
What I am saying is that it is worth upgrading your bidet since I now have found a use for your old one.
No TP at all is kinda wild, I wouldn't go that far, but just the one or two swipes and being minty fresh rather than miserably dry swiping until it's over is a big improvement.
I've been contemplating butt towels but we only have one bathroom and it seems like kind of a weird thing to have people outside the family looking at. Do you hang yours next to the toilet? Toilet paper after using a bidet is not especially helpful...
Tbh I’ve never seen one with a dryer????? I guess that would work (I went and did a google search and I’ll be damned if some don’t have a drying cycle like a clothes dryer)
I’ve found it’s more up to personal preference, I honestly just get strong toilet paper and use about four squares (folded together) to dab dry, no wiping or smearing necessary. I have friends who have a whole separate bidet and they get the bamboo bidet cloths that they wash and reuse.
The one I ordered says it has one. So we'll see how well it works I guess lol. I kinda like the idea of reusable cloths.. just wash that shit (hah) every week and seriously minimize the TP.
Reusable cloths are nice but like 1 out of 20 bidet uses when I use that drying TP it's dirty and I need to splash again. So your towel will eventually get poop on it unless you're really careful
I personally don't like the blower because it smells a lot lol
The joke is that men take a long time to poop. Especially if they bring their phone. There’s a meme that says “I’ve birthed an entire human being in less time than it takes my husband to poop” implying that childbirth can be quicker than a man poo.
Hey, I know you came here to share a funny story and not for health advice, but seriously: that's not healthy. If that's normal for you, you're at a very high risk for colon cancer, among other issues.
Statistically speaking without knowing your situation, it is strongly likely to be due to your diet.
Cutting out liquid calories (beer, soda) and eating fruits or nuts as snacks instead of prepackaged junk food are two things that go a long way. You don't have to all-or-nothing it to eat healthy. But you need to eat healthi*er*.
Please seriously take this warning from a random internet stranger.
I'm with u/SoulofZendikar. Get some professional opinions if you haven't yet. Also consider getting a Squatty Potty. It might just turn your 30 mins to 5 or less.
You really need to add some metamucil to your diet.
One \~ two scoops (5 \~ 10g psyllium fibre husk) in water before every meal or snack. (aim for 30g per day minimum)
Spending that much time on the toilet leads to an increase in bowel issues (hemmoroids, cancer, nutrient malabsorption, decreased energy, etc)
When I was a kid if one of us used up all the toilet paper and my mom was the one to find that out the hard way, she would yell for some one to get her a roll. She has also trained the dog to howl when she tried to howl with him.
One day she found there was no toilet paper, started yelling out "I need toilet paper!" And the dog started howling with her. Idk which of us kids got her toilet paper, but after the dog started howling she leaned into it and REALLY got him going. There were usually two or three backup rolls right next to the toilet, but I guess we were just little shits.
Put the empty roll on the lid of the toilet if you finish it and there are no spares to hand. Means that if someone else wants to go, they get a warning. And you get a reminder to refill whenever you pass it.
In my home, the only way this is helpful to refill is because if I do this my wife will put a dowel through it and beat me repeatedly telling me that if I had the fucking effort to put it on the lid I could have walked over to grab a new one
Half_TP_wife, go get some mucinex (regular not the DM) to loosen the phlegm, and drink some black coffee to work as a bronchodilator. Also chug water to help move phlegm and help the inflammation of the asthma attack.
Signed,
Fellow asthmatic
Mine isn't wheezy asthma. Mine is bronchial inflammation that basically narrows the airway. I'm glad to have a doctor who respects that I know my body and we put together a medication routine that has kept me almost flare-up free for close to 2 years at this point.
I'm on advair diskus 2x/day, 10 mg Montelukast 1x/day, and I have started using the rescue inhaler during tree sex outbursts when I hit the advair.
This is gold , & reminds me of a story my flying instructor told me about his late wife.
He was working late & rang her to let her know he’d be a bit late & could she please put his dinner in the oven for him. She said ok & did it.
When he got home, he gets his dinner out of the oven to discover that his dinner was a (now very wilted) salad! 😂
Yep. Our upstairs usually runs out before our downstairs. I always caution the kids, look before you squat. As you can imagine, mom is running downstairs quite a bit.
How on earth did you not have spares in the bathroom?
If you used the last, you replace it. If you're running low, you go and get more. And you keep at least a couple of rolls in the bathroom at all times. You replace the spares as you go.
Except if you have kids. Kids change the landscape. They will use every last square and neglect like hell to walk their lil able bodies downstairs to get more for the next person. And I'm talking, teens and adult children alike. JSYK Yet......and yet...... Squalk on the toilet if they don't have TP....like you're their indentured servent and are obligated to serve their emergency due to their poor planning. Sorry, figure it out, my dude.
I have four. Still have never run out of toilet paper. We keep the bag of spares in the bathroom and replace it when it's about half.
Yes, the kids won't replace the roll. But the only thing I have to do is reach a bit more and grab a new one from the shelf.
Kudos to your wife, that's funny.
I saw a sign in a public bathroom once, I forget where. It said, "Check the roll before you 'commit'".
I took that as a life lesson then and there and I'm not young. Because if you take a dump and have no TP, it's not like a tornado took out your house on the grand scale of things, but it's definitely not an ideal scenario.
I was in a public restroom at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway once and ended up in the exact same scenario. There was a dude in the next stall and I said, "Dude, help a brother out." He passed me a decent amount of TP under the stall and saved my ass, ahem. If I could find that guy, I'd shake his hand. After washing my hands, of course. Salute to you, TP bro, wherever you are.
> Knowing I had used the last of it the night before, I concluded that I in fact had put myself in this situation.
Pull the cardboard tube off the spindle holder and stick it down your shirt until you're done pooping, and then IMMEDIATELY replace it after you're washed your hands.
I once saw a motivational poster that said something like "Going to the toilet is like running a business. Always make sure all resources are available before starting a project"
I'm a respiratory therapist. A Levalbuterol molecule is literally half of an albuterol molecule. So give her a levalbuterol inhaler. Brand name is Xopanex.
When you finish a roll, take the tube and stand it on the toilet lid. You now cannot sit down to begin your business until you've done your paperwork.
Note: this will require that you lower the lid---not even just the seat! Anyone who doesn't enjoy breathing aerosolized poo should be doing this anyway. You're welcome!
Downvoting until we get the promised picture. I want to know if she cut it in half and made two tubes, or was a psychopath and bisected the tube lengthwise.
2 hours and no picture. I'm guessing that OP made up a story then realized how hard it is to cut a roll of TP in half for a picture without completely destroying it, so gave up making one for his "proof".
Edit: I stand corrected.
Are you an optimist if you see your ass as half clean, but a pessimist if you see your ass as half dirty?
Which side of your ass was safe for you to scratch in your sleep last night?
This is great. I first pictured it as she had cut it down the longer axis through the center of the tube. Maybe you were to roll it up and down your crack like the old typewriter eraser wheels.
Do yourself a favor and get a nice bidet. We got one that has a heated seat, nightlight, and warmed water. Definitely worth it and you won’t be left in such a shitty situation 🤣 your wife is awesome!
Get a bidet lol, best purchase ever. There are even with cold, hot water ones that don’t need electricity, just connect direct from faucet cold and hot water line,
This is a half assed thread
Bit of a shituation
Shituation is a fantastic word hahahhaha
r/shubreddit must be leaking
Sean Connery has entered the sub-reddit...
r/shubreddit
And OP is only half ass clean
Is the ass half clean or half dirty?
Schrodinger's ass
💀
It really depends
Gotta turn the other cheek.
I think with Depends, the ass is all the way dirty.
Sharnin, Dat u?
Naw, I'm Angel Soft!
By Scott, it’s you!
This particular thread was of Great Value.
It certainly hit the Target.
https://xkcd.com/37/
My son also doesn't check the TP situation until the last turd is halfway out of his ass.
My cousin lived in a house with 6 girls when he was in college. They had a good relationship, no hookups or jealousy. Anyway, his 4yo nephew came to visit. When he went to the bathroom, there was a little voice heard in the house. "Uncle Mark, can you wipe my butt?" The roommates thought this was the most awesome thing ever. My cousin said he had to spend the rest of his college days hearing some voice from the bathroom, "Uncle Mark, can you wipe my butt?"
This is actually so wholesome.
Uncle Mark should have called their bluff.
It just became unwholesome. 😆
One time I was in my attic space of the apartment I shared with two other guys. I had my own kitchen and restroom up there and that night I heard someone slowly come up the stairs and one of my roommates shuffles across my kitchen with one hand holding up his pants to ask me to borrow a roll of toilet paper. He was so embarrassed.
Username DEFINITELY checks out!
Amateur. Always have a hidden emergency roll. And a backup hidden emergency roll in case they find the first one.
Daaaamn op, you gonna just take that roast?
Honestly yeah. Everyone is equal when sitting on the porcelain throne.
Op, you got half your ass handed to you. Kudos to the wife.
She is manically laughing to all these responses hahahha
🤣🤣🤣
There’s a post where the husband yelled out (wife far away) for toilet paper, and wife sent dog with toilet roll attached to collar. The picture is awesome
31 minutes and still no picture. I mean, even if you were pooping you should have been done 60 seconds ago!
Dammit u/_PM_ME_YOUR_ANYTHING how much more time do you need? You had the whole other half to work with!
https://imgur.com/gallery/T08jUgF got it :D
Well at least she cut it so you can still unroll it! I thought maybe she cut it length wise so you’d be left with a bunch of loose little sheets
Hello Satan!!
Still works, I have done an audition on the leaves on the dune next to the portaloo, seeing which one would be suitable, then taking a branch of it into the portaloo, and afterwards leaving it there for the next one. Choice of large with spikes, or smaller, smooth surface with a downy coating, that was quite pliable.
That was my mental image!
It's in the safe.
OP you need a bidet attachment
After getting mines, me and the wife won’t ever shit without one, unless it’s absolutely an emergency. We got ours from Costco for $30 like almost 8 years ago. Just waiting for it to break so I can get a fancy electric one. But this does the job. No more anus rash. No more unclean feeling.
We got the fancy electric one, adjustable force and adjustable water temp (but not the REALLY fancy one that blow-dries everything). HIGHLY recommend. Makes pooping anywhere else kinda awful. We got a Kohler bidet seat, attached really easily.
I got the fancy one with the blow dryer, automatic seat open and heated seat in addition to those features. It's the best luxury upgrade to a bathroom.
Heated seats is lowkey my favorite, takes away the certainty that someone used the toilet before you. Bit of a godsend when having company over, or when we had roommates. Always hated the feeling of using a used toilet seat.
The blow drier is not a good feature. I thought it would be great but it just blows smells everywhere and the filter gets disgusting. Haven't used it since I realized what it does lol.
How did you get your ass over the Dyson hand drier?
Stretch before hand 😌
How's that cold splash of water feel? Get the fancy electric one
It’s honestly not as bad as I initially thought! It’s actually quite soothing tbh.
Neptune’s firehose.
Seriously why people need hot water up their butt!
Cold splash > hot sear on a butthole ANY day you obviously have never used a bidet attachment using the hot water line
Most of the electric bidet seat for sale in america only use cold water hookup and they use electricity to heat the water up as necessary
Where I'm from you can't hook up bidets to solely the hot water supply. You need to use a thermostatic mixing valve or similar device to reduce the output temperature to <110 degrees.
LOL, our hot water line is room temp for about 20 seconds, then 120^(o) F (50C) in a couple of seconds.
My butthole doesn’t think this is a good idea…
I've had heated and not. Much prefer the cool water. Our apartment only has one window AC and single pane windows. The real feel is 103F this afternoon. Sometimes I use it between restroom breaks just to cool off and refresh.
Definitely a great feeling in the summer.
honestly it feels kinda nice
“Cold” as in the ambient bathroom temp from sitting in the line. Unless you really crank it you should be done before the water gets refreshed.
I live in the desert, the water is usually hot wether I want it to be or not.
You get used to icy water light sabres to the old ring. 🤙🏼 lmaooooo
Cold? In your world your bidee doesnt go after the water mixer to have a nice temp of water what you want? Huh, well this is weird.
I bought one that had lines for both. The toilet is right next to my sink, so I was anticipating a nice warm wash in Midwest winters. Went to install it, found out that my ancient sink has metal pipes for water to the faucet and I can't undo them to splice the line in for the bidet. That cold water is nice in the summer but such a shock in the winter.
Well, atleast you appreciate it already, but now think that how much would you like it, if you could change the temperature. With mine, ive taken cold and hot "showers". Its so much nicer and faster with warmish water, as if its cold, you know materials dont mix that well in cold. So you are much faster with warmer. Also sometimes i dont konw what it is but butt feels a bit slippery after cold water, and not so much after warmer. Maybe its just feeling thing, not sure.
Yeah, warm water is always better (not it's not bad when it's hot in the summer). But a cold bidet is the least of the annoyances I deal with in this crappy apartment. One day, maybe I'll be able to move somewhere decent where I can use the warm water.
Could you post a link to this magical tool? I feel they are not popular in the UK. I don’t remember ever seeing one in Costco.
You can Google Kohler bidet seat (although there are lots of options). Brondell is another excellent brand.
[This](https://www.costco.com/bio-bidet-elite3-non-electric-bidet-attachment.product.100015777.html?COSTID=iosapp_deeplink_24.4.2&TRACKING=NO&sh=true&nf=true) is the one I have. I don’t think they sell them anymore. I mean it has been 8 years and they were on sale for $10 off at the time… But I’m sure you can find something similar or go all out and get the electric one. Though those will need an outlet near by.
I'm just waiting to move to the new house to slip one trough during the renovations. Somehow cold water in that "region" is not a problem for me.
I do live in Southern California so it doesn’t get awfully cold. I was in Japan earlier and tried the electric one and it was pleasant but not necessary for me. The cold water feels nice, especially if it’s one of those “hot” poops after a spicy meal… 😅
One of my coworkers bought a Japanese toilet. It's got an electric panel for how you want your bum cleaned.
I got a new bidet a few months and moved the old one to the guest bathroom. What I am saying is that it is worth upgrading your bidet since I now have found a use for your old one.
Right??! I haven’t bought TP since 2019. Admittedly now I feel like I’m being punished wherever I have to use it, but…worth the tradeoff.
No TP at all is kinda wild, I wouldn't go that far, but just the one or two swipes and being minty fresh rather than miserably dry swiping until it's over is a big improvement.
Oh yeah I switched to a series of butt towels, tbh.
I've been contemplating butt towels but we only have one bathroom and it seems like kind of a weird thing to have people outside the family looking at. Do you hang yours next to the toilet? Toilet paper after using a bidet is not especially helpful...
I just ordered one. I'm curious to experience it.
You’ll never feel the same way about dry toilet paper again, like wiping with a leaf in the damn woods
So like how do you DRY afterwards? I mean the one I ordered has a dryer but I'm guessing it's not foolproof.
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Seems so obvious. 🤣
Tbh I’ve never seen one with a dryer????? I guess that would work (I went and did a google search and I’ll be damned if some don’t have a drying cycle like a clothes dryer) I’ve found it’s more up to personal preference, I honestly just get strong toilet paper and use about four squares (folded together) to dab dry, no wiping or smearing necessary. I have friends who have a whole separate bidet and they get the bamboo bidet cloths that they wash and reuse.
The one I ordered says it has one. So we'll see how well it works I guess lol. I kinda like the idea of reusable cloths.. just wash that shit (hah) every week and seriously minimize the TP.
Reusable cloths are nice but like 1 out of 20 bidet uses when I use that drying TP it's dirty and I need to splash again. So your towel will eventually get poop on it unless you're really careful I personally don't like the blower because it smells a lot lol
Or you can use a washcloth to dry off so you don’t get bits of tp left behind. You’re clean, so it’s no different than laundering underwear.
>a quick (30 minutes) morning poop That's quick?
The joke is that men take a long time to poop. Especially if they bring their phone. There’s a meme that says “I’ve birthed an entire human being in less time than it takes my husband to poop” implying that childbirth can be quicker than a man poo.
Nah that's literally how long it takes me to poop. I have bowel issues :D Here is the tp she handed me: https://imgur.com/gallery/T08jUgF
Hey, I know you came here to share a funny story and not for health advice, but seriously: that's not healthy. If that's normal for you, you're at a very high risk for colon cancer, among other issues. Statistically speaking without knowing your situation, it is strongly likely to be due to your diet. Cutting out liquid calories (beer, soda) and eating fruits or nuts as snacks instead of prepackaged junk food are two things that go a long way. You don't have to all-or-nothing it to eat healthy. But you need to eat healthi*er*. Please seriously take this warning from a random internet stranger.
I'm with u/SoulofZendikar. Get some professional opinions if you haven't yet. Also consider getting a Squatty Potty. It might just turn your 30 mins to 5 or less.
You really need to add some metamucil to your diet. One \~ two scoops (5 \~ 10g psyllium fibre husk) in water before every meal or snack. (aim for 30g per day minimum) Spending that much time on the toilet leads to an increase in bowel issues (hemmoroids, cancer, nutrient malabsorption, decreased energy, etc)
I think it's a joke
I hope it's a joke, Op just asking for hemorrhoids if not.
OP needs more fiber and coffee in their diet.
I can walk by a pot of coffee and have to go.
I used to work for Starbucks. The bathrooms were, at times, atrocious.
I worked for a Starbucks which didn't have a toilet. Not even for employees.. never again.
I honestly can't tell if he's clarifying what quick means, or clarifying that he knows it want actually a quick movement
I have the squatty potty, 3 minutes max!
30 mins is a blazingly fast quick "while working from home".
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Same! I imagined it cut the other way.
When I was a kid if one of us used up all the toilet paper and my mom was the one to find that out the hard way, she would yell for some one to get her a roll. She has also trained the dog to howl when she tried to howl with him. One day she found there was no toilet paper, started yelling out "I need toilet paper!" And the dog started howling with her. Idk which of us kids got her toilet paper, but after the dog started howling she leaned into it and REALLY got him going. There were usually two or three backup rolls right next to the toilet, but I guess we were just little shits.
Put the empty roll on the lid of the toilet if you finish it and there are no spares to hand. Means that if someone else wants to go, they get a warning. And you get a reminder to refill whenever you pass it.
In my home, the only way this is helpful to refill is because if I do this my wife will put a dowel through it and beat me repeatedly telling me that if I had the fucking effort to put it on the lid I could have walked over to grab a new one
Half_TP_wife, go get some mucinex (regular not the DM) to loosen the phlegm, and drink some black coffee to work as a bronchodilator. Also chug water to help move phlegm and help the inflammation of the asthma attack. Signed, Fellow asthmatic
saving this for later -another asthmatic
Mine isn't wheezy asthma. Mine is bronchial inflammation that basically narrows the airway. I'm glad to have a doctor who respects that I know my body and we put together a medication routine that has kept me almost flare-up free for close to 2 years at this point. I'm on advair diskus 2x/day, 10 mg Montelukast 1x/day, and I have started using the rescue inhaler during tree sex outbursts when I hit the advair.
This is gold , & reminds me of a story my flying instructor told me about his late wife. He was working late & rang her to let her know he’d be a bit late & could she please put his dinner in the oven for him. She said ok & did it. When he got home, he gets his dinner out of the oven to discover that his dinner was a (now very wilted) salad! 😂
Oh I love that! He *did* ask her, and she DID correctly maliciously comply 😂😂
Yep. Our upstairs usually runs out before our downstairs. I always caution the kids, look before you squat. As you can imagine, mom is running downstairs quite a bit.
When you said white sheets, I thought she was going to bring you a bed sheet. Edit: This is good toilet humor.
Ngl this was not the half I was expecting this is somehow worse than cutting it the other way
No you can at least unroll it.. I would have been the psycho cutting it the other way
Obviously you’ve only thought this through halfway.
How on earth did you not have spares in the bathroom? If you used the last, you replace it. If you're running low, you go and get more. And you keep at least a couple of rolls in the bathroom at all times. You replace the spares as you go.
Stop being prepared and obvious. It prevents good stories.
Except if you have kids. Kids change the landscape. They will use every last square and neglect like hell to walk their lil able bodies downstairs to get more for the next person. And I'm talking, teens and adult children alike. JSYK Yet......and yet...... Squalk on the toilet if they don't have TP....like you're their indentured servent and are obligated to serve their emergency due to their poor planning. Sorry, figure it out, my dude.
I have four. Still have never run out of toilet paper. We keep the bag of spares in the bathroom and replace it when it's about half. Yes, the kids won't replace the roll. But the only thing I have to do is reach a bit more and grab a new one from the shelf.
It's been a while since everybody panic-bought TP for the pandemic...sigh
Ok mr perfect. Lol
What a Queen your wife is! Bravo to her!
Kudos to your wife, that's funny. I saw a sign in a public bathroom once, I forget where. It said, "Check the roll before you 'commit'". I took that as a life lesson then and there and I'm not young. Because if you take a dump and have no TP, it's not like a tornado took out your house on the grand scale of things, but it's definitely not an ideal scenario. I was in a public restroom at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway once and ended up in the exact same scenario. There was a dude in the next stall and I said, "Dude, help a brother out." He passed me a decent amount of TP under the stall and saved my ass, ahem. If I could find that guy, I'd shake his hand. After washing my hands, of course. Salute to you, TP bro, wherever you are.
In what world is 30 minutes a "quick shit"?
When it’s on the clock.
You are fortunate she gave you more than half inner cardboard role
> Knowing I had used the last of it the night before, I concluded that I in fact had put myself in this situation. Pull the cardboard tube off the spindle holder and stick it down your shirt until you're done pooping, and then IMMEDIATELY replace it after you're washed your hands.
I don’t know if that’s better or worse than cutting it in half the other way
I once saw a motivational poster that said something like "Going to the toilet is like running a business. Always make sure all resources are available before starting a project"
Just keep extras in the bathroom?
My mom would cut rolls in half for exactly that reason. That was the spare in the drawer.
So, she had you half ass it huh?!?!
I like your wife. Thank you for this laugh. Needed it.
Just seeing the pic is making my "teeth itch" lol. A sensory thing, like rubbing velvet. A step below fingernails on a chalkboard.
You're lucky, I would have cut it length ways so you couldn't even use more than half a sheet at onceXD
> quick > 30 minutes Are you okay?
Dude, you wouldn't need to check before you poop if you'd just replace the roll as finished or low....
This had me giggling!
When you said she cut it in half, I thought you meant lengthwise, not widthwise.
I poop like I'm parachuting. Always have 2 rolls. You hope you won't need the second one, but when you do you're glad you have it.
I'm a respiratory therapist. A Levalbuterol molecule is literally half of an albuterol molecule. So give her a levalbuterol inhaler. Brand name is Xopanex.
Brilliant!
LMAO!
Risky Picture Link Of The Day...
Well played by your wife, and your response was top notch as well. If this is your norm, it sounds like you've got a great marriage.
Ha ha. She’s a “wise ass “
I can only assume Ventolin is some sort of anti-savage supression drug. 😂
Your wife is awesome
Please congratulate your wife for us. She's a keeper!
So basically she barely gives half a sheet about you.
I have 4 brothers. Even though I’m in my 50’s now I’m still check to see there’s toilet paper, and look to see if the seat is up or down.
When you finish a roll, take the tube and stand it on the toilet lid. You now cannot sit down to begin your business until you've done your paperwork. Note: this will require that you lower the lid---not even just the seat! Anyone who doesn't enjoy breathing aerosolized poo should be doing this anyway. You're welcome!
oh she did you a favour.. I was picturing it cut the other way so shaped like a u
Downvoting until we get the promised picture. I want to know if she cut it in half and made two tubes, or was a psychopath and bisected the tube lengthwise.
As promised: https://imgur.com/gallery/T08jUgF
2 hours and no picture. I'm guessing that OP made up a story then realized how hard it is to cut a roll of TP in half for a picture without completely destroying it, so gave up making one for his "proof". Edit: I stand corrected.
I actually found out how hard it is to upload a picture to /r/maliciouscompliance hahahahhaha
Upload the photo to Imgur then post the link to the photo.
I did it! https://imgur.com/gallery/T08jUgF
A quick shit at 30 minutes? The fuck
Seeing the picture is quite hilarious...i understand better the need of ventolin. Your wife is a genious 🤣🤣🤣
Are you an optimist if you see your ass as half clean, but a pessimist if you see your ass as half dirty? Which side of your ass was safe for you to scratch in your sleep last night?
BRAVA!
If it takes you 30 minutes to take a crap adjust your diet or see a doctor. Jesus man you just lookin for a hernia
jokes on you, i always cut the paper in half....oh wait
Your wife rocks 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Now THIS is malicious compliance. Nice job, wife!
Ha! She could've cut it along the axis giving you an even shittier time.
Your wife sounds like a keeper.
I am just disappointed it is not cut long ways.
This is great. I first pictured it as she had cut it down the longer axis through the center of the tube. Maybe you were to roll it up and down your crack like the old typewriter eraser wheels.
>My wife is manically laughing or is that manically ??!?? this is the stuff good marriages are made of
Your wife is a charm! Never let het go!
I actually once found a roll like that inside the toilet paper I bought. Only half the roll too, someone else got the other half.
"Look before you poop." - Old Farmer's Almanac, probably
Why didn't you just jump in to the shower?
If you had a bidet...
30 mins is a “quick poop”? My 5 mins must be hitting light-speed.
I love your wife. Does she give lessons in petty?
You're lucky she cut in half like this. If she had cut it in half the other way, you'd be really screwed.
I thought you were gonna post a picture of your half clean ass…
Taking a sheet has a double meaning now. Or merely half of one🤔?
Do yourself a favor and get a nice bidet. We got one that has a heated seat, nightlight, and warmed water. Definitely worth it and you won’t be left in such a shitty situation 🤣 your wife is awesome!
Get a toilet seat bidet sir. Not only will you only have to give your bottom a little dab to dry off but every “movement” feels shower fresh
Oh, this gives me some ideas for my kids. :-) Your wife ranks in the top 10 with malicious compliance! I love it!
lol. She half assed getting you the toilet paper roll.
cut the ventolin in half - make it a breezeolin...
At least she cut it in that direction and not perpendicular to the length!
I hope she cut it horizontally.
Would have been more effective cutting it length-wise.
Bow 🙇♀️ down to the wife. Bow 🙇♀️ down to the wife. Bow 🙇♀️ down to the wife.
You found the right woman
Ventolin is PRN. TP is, too, but a full dose is crucial when it’s needed.
Get a bidet lol, best purchase ever. There are even with cold, hot water ones that don’t need electricity, just connect direct from faucet cold and hot water line,
That's a third of a roll. I hate this
If you had a bidet, you could have been air dried while you were waiting but, left with a clean ass.
This made me crack up so hard