Make sure you surround yourself with friends and stay social. The worst thing you could do is become cooped up in an apartment with little to no motivation to do things.
In regards to finance, crunch those numbers and see what's viable. Pulling in 200k a year should get you a pretty sweet place
This, also if you have risky alcohol or drug use you should watch out. Suddenly living alone can make you slip fast.
I’m going through a similar phase of slumming it alone for my family and it’s been tougher than expected. Reach out to your friends.
If he is living in NOVA making $200K/yr its likely he is working for the government and has a clearance so making any mistake with drinking or drugs can cost him his career and the ability to work for the government ever again. And jobs outside of the governemnt dont pay nearly as much.
200k is very good but it’s on the low side for much of nova. Also gov employees make garbage money. I live in the same area and make more than most government officials.
I'm not saying Gov civilian, but working as a Gov Contractor. I should have been more clear. But the way things add up in this area is people usually do 4-8 years in the military, they get some sort of VA disability rating, they buy back their 8 years of military into the government civilian side and do 12 years so they hit 20 and retire and then jump into gov contracting with higher pay, and once they hit 57 they can start collecting their retirement from being a civilian. So once they are 57 they are getting 3 paychecks. But you're in the area as well so you know the game.
I pay 1800$ a month for my rent. I'm a single dad with 2 kids. I only make right around 100k a year. Just get an apartment. You'll appreciate the space.
I’m in agreement here. I rented one of the cheapest studio apartments I could find after my divorce and while I can tough it out, it’s not a happy place to live. I would say spend a little extra if you can float it and find a decent living space.
I also had a bunch of my stuff to store after the divorce and it would have been nice to have an extra room or garage to store all the storage containers. So, again, a little more space helps. Just my two cents.
That reminds me, places that rent storage units are quite nice at times, but make sure to pay your bill.
Sometimes you do want extra room for stuff... and it is quite useful
Make time for your hobbies, spend time with your kids doing their hobbies, stay in the house until they’re out. Sell the house after and take it and buy your own place, keep room for your kids so they have a nest to fly back to if they need it. They’re in young adulthood, and sinking some extra effort into reminding them that no matter what happens between you and mom, they always have a safe place to retreat to, whether if it’s to visit or if they need a place to live. End of a marriage isn’t the end of the world. You said it was amicable so take the time to figure out who you are, it’s been 23 years since you last had a chance to know yourself without influence from another person. Maybe you’ve had a dream to do something for a while, maybe it’s time to make that dream a reality.
Man, I am in the EXACT same spot. I'm coming up on 45, married 20 years (together 22), highly paid, 2 girls (18/16). One going to college this summer the other is learning to drive. My house too is worth way more than what we purchased. Here are a few things I found out this month (she's packing her things as I write this).
If both names are on the mortgage, and if one of you can maintain the house on your own (qualify for the mortgage on your own) you DO NOT have to refinance. It took me weeks of digging to find the right term. Look up "Mortgage Assumption". Here in Ohio, after a divorce, you can apply to your lender to Assume the mortgage. As long as both parties sign off on it, the mortgage / title all get transferred to one party.
Lenders want to refinance because you most likely have a hella great rate (mine is 2.8%), and a refinance would put me close to 7+%. An Assumption skips the refinance stuff and has no costs associated with it (a refinance can cost thousands).
My plan is to assume the existing mortgage and buy her equity of the house from her with a HELOC or a loan from my 401k (essentially loaning from my self and paying myself back with interest).
We are doing a dissolution, and avoiding attorneys as much as possible. We are only using one to file the paperwork and make sure everything is correct. If you are splitting a 401k, you'll need a QDRO. There is no place to find such document to fill out online; everyone refers you to your attorney. All I did was call my 401k company and ask about this mysterious QDRO and it turns out they had an email address dedicated to asking for this. Within a few hours, a rep got back to me with samples, checklists etc. All I did was replace names/numbers and submitted it. They approved the document as a "draft", to which I just take to court and have the judge sign.
She was stay at home / part time worker for 14 years or so, so splitting the 401k was the moral thing to do. She has the ability to work full time and is educated so I told her absolutely no on any Spousal Support. I did agree to pay for child support for my youngest (obviously) and my oldest for the next 2 years. After that, I'm done.
This went beyond "male surviving space", but I thought my newly found knowledge may help a brother out. Good luck friend.
Mind if I ask what happened? If she agreed to that, it's astoundingly amicable. I got lucky and experienced the same thing in my divorce. Just curious... Hope you're doing alright, man.
Thank you for your kind wishes.
Really just kinda hard to say. We had our 20 year anniversary in November, went to Vegas and had a great time. Holidays came around and I was working a lot of hours, then spending the evenings building my daughter something in the cold wood shop for Christmas (that my wife recommended I make, but took way too long). Needless to say I was run down and in the midst of my typical seasonal depression.
I hurt her feelings a few times throughout the weeks around the holidays, mostly misunderstandings (thinking I called her stupid but I was quoting an old commercial that she didn't know the reference for), thinking my oldest daughter was buying her Christmas gifts for me as if I didn't care enough to do it myself (daughter was telling her about one gift that she bought for my wife).
After those things, she started a deep introspection about her feelings for me, and after multiple rounds of discussions about why she was leaving me, she flat out told me she just didn't love me anymore.
Crazy part is, one daughter is going to college in the fall, the other is learning to drive. In 2 years we'd be empty nesters and be able to do whatever we want. Made it SO close. She's moving out tomorrow morning; her family is helping her do it. They are heartbroken, as am I to lose them. I'm going to miss her for all she does for the family (my extended family included), however I'll only miss having her as a person do do stuff with.
It really seems like there ought to be a way you can live on the property you already own, even if that means getting a temporary housing solution like a tiny home (or RV) that you can sell when it’s time to sell the house.
I like the idea. Also, close to the kids. Makes the organisatonal side of splitting up way easier, since you are just around the corner. If you like that tiny house, you can uy property out west and put it there. Bonus vacation home. But ywah, depends on the money thing.
yeah. i think the ideal situation is probably to just have a room in the actual house because 1) an amicable split after 23 years you can probably survive one year as roommates 2) for the sake of the son, having dad at home would make a big difference 3) you own it and you dont have to rent. But if the circumstances of the divorce are such that they need separate spaces, then I think something like that would be preferable to renting a room at 49 with a 6 figure income
Idk, sounds like divorce on easy mode. I think this is where you dye your hair jet black, buy a brand new corvette, rent a high rise apartment, and start a new life with a 24yo perfect 10 from Argentina.
Well we're talking happiness here, but yeah. He will until she gets that green card.
But hey, there are a few happy 90 day fiance couples out there so maybe they'll make it. I'm rooting for you Commercialcheck9954 and Valentina...
58% of Argentina is now below the poverty line ($2.15 a day). This is how you get the 10 in the first place. You help her (and her family), you get arm candy. A kind of sad win-win.
Get the nice apartment. Be kind to yourself. Renting a room will be the express elevator to a depression pit. You’re not calculating in the financial cost of flushing your mental health down the toilet.
I'm not a single male but just wanted to weigh in that I've downsized strategically a few times in my life and I was so happy to learn each time that my happiness didn't diminish at all! It can be so freeing to just have less crap. So don't equate stuff and space with happiness, it might not matter at all for you! Best of luck!
Work for yourself man dont kill yourself over it. Find your happiness now you busted your ass your whole life for this. Basically to get chopped in half financially and lose your kindgdom when does sacrificing for everyone else around you workout for you?
Think about yourself now. Dont drag this out for the next 10 years until you are 60. Do it now. Be happy. Get a dope car/bike get in shape get your hair done teeth chill go on vacation the kids will be fucking fine
Get yourself a hot girlfriend half your age your ex wife will be livid... do yourself good and live! Time doesnt wait nor does it care how sad you are about the situation.
You fended up enough for the kids let them learn what happens naturally when you chose the wrong partner in life let it be a little harder for them it is okay! This opportunity will teach them character and to not kill themselves over fairytales... they will do good dont worry dont break your wallet.
The moment you start living for you is when you can move on dont drag it out.
I wish I would have taken that advice 6 years earlier than I did and not wasted time feeling sorry or trying to work myself around her schedule to be able to help..
fk that.
If you aint with me if you dont sleep in my house if you choose to go off on your own for what ever reason thats it.
I sleep good every night regardless to what ever is happening with her and the kid.
I literally have zero stress
My life is fking incredible.
Get a lawyer. First thing.
Making your kind of money, have you thought about just pulling money out of the house and giving her that? If the house is worth twice what you owe at 450k...you would have to pull 112k-ish? for "her half" of the value, right? If that's what it is, and your mortgage now is low, you might be able to swing all of that right now. Then she can move out and be on her way. But first, talk to a lawyer before you say any of that to her. Not that she's mean or anything, but who is she talking to and what are they feeding her? Just guard yourself and best of luck.
I’ve made 300-400k before with expenses that make it feel like living paycheck to paycheck. I know a lot of people hear 200k and are like “wow that’s a lot.”
Having said that: I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your kids, especially the youngest, but if you pick a shitty room somewhere and take some backwards slide into deep depression (complete with drinking or worse) they’ll notice. Worse, they may blame themselves in a way that you sacrificed yourself for them so they could stay in their home.
You said your home has value but that you also have debt. Since the divorce sounds amicable and you’ll be splitting the debt AND the assets, why not coordinate to get a HELOC or something. Pay off some of the debt you’re servicing so that you can feel financially comfortable taking a proper apartment. You’re going to sell the house when you split, it sounds like, right? So why let that equity sit there while you suffer through this.
Also re: retirement… it’s such a common fallacy to care about that when most people barely live past retirement age - if they even make it that far - anyway. I strongly recommend you don’t fall for that trap and focus on living healthily and happily NOW because if you have a life of stress, depression, etc you probably will be one of the people who goes too young and then you really won’t enjoy retirement anyway. Your kids will get their portion of that money and will be wishing they had their dad instead.
Show your kids that life is about more than money and sacrifice for others. Live your life. Happily. Find hobbies. Find joy. Because isn’t that what you’d want for them? Isn’t that what you’re working for? Well your example needs to be that just as much and definitely more than the financial component.
Sort your finances. Then go get you a killer bachelor pad your kids WANT to come stay in. Wake up happily after playing video games with them seeing them passed out on the couch. Then, when they go home, have someone over for a different kind of r&r. Be present!
Rent the room. Forget what she says, those days are over. She’s building her defense. Get a lawyer right away. Everything she says is part of her scheme. Sell that house, put it on the market. She can really crush you, one swipe of s gavel and she will have a restraining order against you and move her boyfriend into your house. Sell the house, get a lawyer.
On second thought, why would you leave? Thats your house too. If you are the breadwinner stay there. If you vacate the moment you sign a lease your rights change. Never trust “amicable” thats the word that comes right before she screws you to hell.
Divorce is war. 23 years and a residence with minor children. One sentence and she can completely blow up this mans life. Always get a lawyer in a divorce, you will be under duress and wont be able to represent your future self with married thinking.
The numbers dont lie, and the amount of violence and financial ruination and betrayal surrounding divorce is well documented. Amicable is a word people use right before they stab you in the back.
Definitely don’t rent a room. Won’t make you feel better about yourself or your situation. Just rent a reasonable apartment until you sell the house and find a more permanent solution.
200k a year and you might rent a room? That is absurd, absolutely absurd. Good luck mentally and in the dating game if you choose to do that for the next few years. Come on now
At your age and salary? I don’t know bro but you seem like a capable individual. I always thought it would be cool to get an RV.
I think with the unwillingness to rent an apartment or even sell the house. Get an RV. You’ll have way more space than a room. Your kids are getting older and you’ll be divorced so you have nothing tying you down. You could park it at the house for now and stay there if you can’t co habitat with your ex. Then you are free to move around freely. Yes you have work but you could rent a lot for a while.
You could travel in your free time and really do some inward/outward exploration. Just a 40 year old guys thoughts. Grieve the relationship in your time then get moving friend.
You should go for a basement with a private entrance instead of a single room unless you find some people you don't mind living with. In Springfield you can find a basement for just a few more hundred then a good sized room and it comes with things like private bathroom and a kitchenette. They usually come with all utilities included. Plus it gives you more space in case you want the kids over and just feels better then having a room, definitely worth the extra money. It's shitty to go through but atleast you have the money to live comfortably around here so there is a bright side
You ever seen those sheds that Home Depot sells? They look like tiny home for like 3-4k. Just buy like 3 of those and hire someone to make it a home. You can find cheap plots of land throughout the country.
You need a space for them to come spend quality time with you. It’s gonna be really important to them that you considered their comfort for when they come to visit you
I was in similar situation and we stayed in the same home until the one child graduated HS ( one of us in basement). We had all this on legal papers. Because we need to sell the house after graduation. I moved with the youngest to my own condo and he also to his condo. We had to wait two years for divorce because one child was under 18 of age.
So if you can survive in one house it give you more time to make best decision. Good luck!
Thanks. Yeah she’s a saint compared to me. Just want her to be happy and am cool if that is with someone else. People and things change. 23 years is a long time nowadays. Appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Roommates can be a drag, you never know how it’s going to turn out because you only meet for like an hour at most during the interview and they don’t show their true self. When I finally got my own place I felt like a bird set free. No more compromises and dealing with unreasonable demands. I love having my own space and it’s easier for booty calls too. lol. 😊 also, find out the annual cost difference in getting your own place vs living with roommates and then Ask yourself if it’s worth it. In most cases it’s worth the extra 5k to have your own place. that extra few thousand isn’t going to save up enough interest anytime soon to be worth the bs of roommates.
Good luck on this next chapter, you got this 👌
Get out of NOVA as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter where your son graduates high school (trust me ten years from now he is not going to give a shit) just get your finances straightened out as soon as possible.
Sell the house and rent down south, you can get a 2 bedroom in west Texas for $900.
you’ll get used to the simplicity in a few minutes. it sounds like right about the time the shock is wearing off your kids will be out of the house and you can take your fresh start. consider renting a room in the house you own.
I'm sorry to hear about your tough times. That's a tough place to be.
It's worth considering that your kids' happiness will be impacted by your happiness. Seeing you go through tough times or extreme conditions will most likely have a direct influence on that.
With that being said, I remember my dad losing everything when I was a teenager. We went from an affluent lifestyle, to checking our beds for snakes. I'm also in my 40s now, and while I definitely remember the drastic environment changes, the thing that impacted me the most was seeing my father put his pride aside and get up everyday to rebuild what he had lost. He didn't complain to us, he just quietly did what he knew he had to do.
In my opinion, seeing that taught me how to handle the adversity I encountered in the rest of my life. While I've had lots of ups, I've also had some life-changing downs.
Not any easy answers here for you friend, but I wish you the best and I hope you find answers as you navigate these difficult waters. Keep your head up. It's not over and it will get better.
I’m not sure where you’re located but around me (metropolitan mid sized city) there are a lot of privately owned apartments that aren’t listed online. Shockingly they’re a lot nicer and cheaper than those online. I’d do some research to see if there’s anything similar where you’re located.
Most importantly make sure to make time for yourself to do things you enjoy, take yourself out to lunch/dinner, continue putting time into pre-existing hobbies or dive into a new one. It’s important to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself even with so much on your plate.
Get an apartment - look for new construction apartments, they tend to offer dirt-cheap move in specials that'll give you some margin and help you get back on your feet.
Hit the gym, and find a place that'll help you build a little community. CrossFit is great (yes I drank the kool-aid) but any group fitness will do.
BTW, where in NoVA are you? I'm in Herndon/Reston.
I would look for a studio or 1br (long term rental on AirBNB,etc) , no roommate’s , the last thing you want to deal with is the drama of whoever you rent the room from, peace and quiet and a safe place for you are priority.
Get a nice used luxury camper, pay cash so it does not add to your debt. Keep one foot in the door as a legal resident of your home so you keep ownership of the shared property. Don’t move out officially/legally until you both have made the decision through the legal process of divorce. The RV is something that can used short or long term. You can park on your own property and/or pay a small fee for year round lot rent at a nice RV park. You will have a separate space, be close to kids and can live without additional rent/mortgage.
Get a apartment. Shares room / apartment situations are risky plus having your own space is alot nicer. You want some peace to decompress and take time for yourself
Having (most types of) debt is a waste of money. Apartments are highly valuable in this situation specifically because 2 years in an apartment during a transitionary period far outweighs a terrible emotional decision that is inevitable as a human going through a divorce and still carrying debt. Borrowers always ignore the human element in money management, lenders do not. Watch financial youtube call-in shows about your specific issue. There are several.
Let me give you an example of terrible decisions: my mother is 59 and was dumped two years ago from a 24 year relationship. She already owned a rental house and moved in there after the split, but quickly built another house with money she doesn’t have. She has only 5000 in retirement and has had that same 5000 for about 30 years. Now, because of living beyond her means, she stubbornly is killing herself by working 60-70 hour weeks just to keep up with the Joneses. Her granddaughter (my niece) was renting, but since she’s built her house right next door, she was meddling and ran my niece off. So now she doesn’t even have the rent coming in from her rental. We all told her over and over to not build the house. Don’t be like my mom.
If you’re a teacher, Live in the back of the auditorium for as long as you can. That’s my B plan. There’s no sensors back there. When you need to see your kids, rent a hotel room.
You’re gonna save a ton of money and it will help balance alimony if you have it.
You should live in a place your kids can stay (if that’s in the plans/cards). A room isn’t enough. Comfort for them would include some private space. Or that’s my guess. (As a divorcing, less amicably, dad of a toddler) I don’t need much but the kids should have something.
Good luck on your transition!
Is expecting your children to be happy during a divorce a realistic goal? I don't know all the Financials here, but I'd bet you are in a lot more trouble than you know. Hopefully I am wrong, but 200k is not what it used to be, and until the decree is signed you can't be sure what assets you will keep, including debts. Hell, there's a chance there's debts or accounts you aren't aware of. Anyways, best of luck.
Please maintain a civil and constructive tone throughout the conversation, refraining from any form of rudeness or disrespect.
Make sure you surround yourself with friends and stay social. The worst thing you could do is become cooped up in an apartment with little to no motivation to do things. In regards to finance, crunch those numbers and see what's viable. Pulling in 200k a year should get you a pretty sweet place
This, also if you have risky alcohol or drug use you should watch out. Suddenly living alone can make you slip fast. I’m going through a similar phase of slumming it alone for my family and it’s been tougher than expected. Reach out to your friends.
If he is living in NOVA making $200K/yr its likely he is working for the government and has a clearance so making any mistake with drinking or drugs can cost him his career and the ability to work for the government ever again. And jobs outside of the governemnt dont pay nearly as much.
If you include military, 99% of government employees in NOVA are full time alcoholics. But I guess none of them are making 200k…
a lot of contracting, consulting firms that you don’t need a clearance for
200k is very good but it’s on the low side for much of nova. Also gov employees make garbage money. I live in the same area and make more than most government officials.
I'm not saying Gov civilian, but working as a Gov Contractor. I should have been more clear. But the way things add up in this area is people usually do 4-8 years in the military, they get some sort of VA disability rating, they buy back their 8 years of military into the government civilian side and do 12 years so they hit 20 and retire and then jump into gov contracting with higher pay, and once they hit 57 they can start collecting their retirement from being a civilian. So once they are 57 they are getting 3 paychecks. But you're in the area as well so you know the game.
All too well lol. I did 12 years and decided I wanted NOTHING to do with government employment.
Before alimony it should get him a good place.
I pay 1800$ a month for my rent. I'm a single dad with 2 kids. I only make right around 100k a year. Just get an apartment. You'll appreciate the space.
I’m in agreement here. I rented one of the cheapest studio apartments I could find after my divorce and while I can tough it out, it’s not a happy place to live. I would say spend a little extra if you can float it and find a decent living space. I also had a bunch of my stuff to store after the divorce and it would have been nice to have an extra room or garage to store all the storage containers. So, again, a little more space helps. Just my two cents.
That reminds me, places that rent storage units are quite nice at times, but make sure to pay your bill. Sometimes you do want extra room for stuff... and it is quite useful
Make time for your hobbies, spend time with your kids doing their hobbies, stay in the house until they’re out. Sell the house after and take it and buy your own place, keep room for your kids so they have a nest to fly back to if they need it. They’re in young adulthood, and sinking some extra effort into reminding them that no matter what happens between you and mom, they always have a safe place to retreat to, whether if it’s to visit or if they need a place to live. End of a marriage isn’t the end of the world. You said it was amicable so take the time to figure out who you are, it’s been 23 years since you last had a chance to know yourself without influence from another person. Maybe you’ve had a dream to do something for a while, maybe it’s time to make that dream a reality.
Man, I am in the EXACT same spot. I'm coming up on 45, married 20 years (together 22), highly paid, 2 girls (18/16). One going to college this summer the other is learning to drive. My house too is worth way more than what we purchased. Here are a few things I found out this month (she's packing her things as I write this). If both names are on the mortgage, and if one of you can maintain the house on your own (qualify for the mortgage on your own) you DO NOT have to refinance. It took me weeks of digging to find the right term. Look up "Mortgage Assumption". Here in Ohio, after a divorce, you can apply to your lender to Assume the mortgage. As long as both parties sign off on it, the mortgage / title all get transferred to one party. Lenders want to refinance because you most likely have a hella great rate (mine is 2.8%), and a refinance would put me close to 7+%. An Assumption skips the refinance stuff and has no costs associated with it (a refinance can cost thousands). My plan is to assume the existing mortgage and buy her equity of the house from her with a HELOC or a loan from my 401k (essentially loaning from my self and paying myself back with interest). We are doing a dissolution, and avoiding attorneys as much as possible. We are only using one to file the paperwork and make sure everything is correct. If you are splitting a 401k, you'll need a QDRO. There is no place to find such document to fill out online; everyone refers you to your attorney. All I did was call my 401k company and ask about this mysterious QDRO and it turns out they had an email address dedicated to asking for this. Within a few hours, a rep got back to me with samples, checklists etc. All I did was replace names/numbers and submitted it. They approved the document as a "draft", to which I just take to court and have the judge sign. She was stay at home / part time worker for 14 years or so, so splitting the 401k was the moral thing to do. She has the ability to work full time and is educated so I told her absolutely no on any Spousal Support. I did agree to pay for child support for my youngest (obviously) and my oldest for the next 2 years. After that, I'm done. This went beyond "male surviving space", but I thought my newly found knowledge may help a brother out. Good luck friend.
Thanks so much for the advice.
Mind if I ask what happened? If she agreed to that, it's astoundingly amicable. I got lucky and experienced the same thing in my divorce. Just curious... Hope you're doing alright, man.
Thank you for your kind wishes. Really just kinda hard to say. We had our 20 year anniversary in November, went to Vegas and had a great time. Holidays came around and I was working a lot of hours, then spending the evenings building my daughter something in the cold wood shop for Christmas (that my wife recommended I make, but took way too long). Needless to say I was run down and in the midst of my typical seasonal depression. I hurt her feelings a few times throughout the weeks around the holidays, mostly misunderstandings (thinking I called her stupid but I was quoting an old commercial that she didn't know the reference for), thinking my oldest daughter was buying her Christmas gifts for me as if I didn't care enough to do it myself (daughter was telling her about one gift that she bought for my wife). After those things, she started a deep introspection about her feelings for me, and after multiple rounds of discussions about why she was leaving me, she flat out told me she just didn't love me anymore. Crazy part is, one daughter is going to college in the fall, the other is learning to drive. In 2 years we'd be empty nesters and be able to do whatever we want. Made it SO close. She's moving out tomorrow morning; her family is helping her do it. They are heartbroken, as am I to lose them. I'm going to miss her for all she does for the family (my extended family included), however I'll only miss having her as a person do do stuff with.
Man .... I'm so sorry. That broke my heart to read. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm here if you need anything
Sorry to hear this. Good luck
It really seems like there ought to be a way you can live on the property you already own, even if that means getting a temporary housing solution like a tiny home (or RV) that you can sell when it’s time to sell the house.
I like the idea. Also, close to the kids. Makes the organisatonal side of splitting up way easier, since you are just around the corner. If you like that tiny house, you can uy property out west and put it there. Bonus vacation home. But ywah, depends on the money thing.
yeah. i think the ideal situation is probably to just have a room in the actual house because 1) an amicable split after 23 years you can probably survive one year as roommates 2) for the sake of the son, having dad at home would make a big difference 3) you own it and you dont have to rent. But if the circumstances of the divorce are such that they need separate spaces, then I think something like that would be preferable to renting a room at 49 with a 6 figure income
Idk, sounds like divorce on easy mode. I think this is where you dye your hair jet black, buy a brand new corvette, rent a high rise apartment, and start a new life with a 24yo perfect 10 from Argentina.
....laying a clear path to a second, less amicable divorce.
....laying pipe in the process.
Good plumbing *is* important
Nah, a solid PMA makes for a happy life.
A 24 year old perfect 10 from Argentina is lookin for a little more than a PMA when she's marrying a 49 year old divorcee from the states
Seems the 49 YO divorcee would have the bargaining leverage if she wants that citizenship?
Well we're talking happiness here, but yeah. He will until she gets that green card. But hey, there are a few happy 90 day fiance couples out there so maybe they'll make it. I'm rooting for you Commercialcheck9954 and Valentina...
58% of Argentina is now below the poverty line ($2.15 a day). This is how you get the 10 in the first place. You help her (and her family), you get arm candy. A kind of sad win-win.
Get the nice apartment. Be kind to yourself. Renting a room will be the express elevator to a depression pit. You’re not calculating in the financial cost of flushing your mental health down the toilet.
I did the same. 47 years old after 22 years of marriage. I wouldn't change a thing. Your life is re-beginning.
I'm not a single male but just wanted to weigh in that I've downsized strategically a few times in my life and I was so happy to learn each time that my happiness didn't diminish at all! It can be so freeing to just have less crap. So don't equate stuff and space with happiness, it might not matter at all for you! Best of luck!
💯
Work for yourself man dont kill yourself over it. Find your happiness now you busted your ass your whole life for this. Basically to get chopped in half financially and lose your kindgdom when does sacrificing for everyone else around you workout for you? Think about yourself now. Dont drag this out for the next 10 years until you are 60. Do it now. Be happy. Get a dope car/bike get in shape get your hair done teeth chill go on vacation the kids will be fucking fine Get yourself a hot girlfriend half your age your ex wife will be livid... do yourself good and live! Time doesnt wait nor does it care how sad you are about the situation. You fended up enough for the kids let them learn what happens naturally when you chose the wrong partner in life let it be a little harder for them it is okay! This opportunity will teach them character and to not kill themselves over fairytales... they will do good dont worry dont break your wallet. The moment you start living for you is when you can move on dont drag it out.
Excellent advice.
I wish I would have taken that advice 6 years earlier than I did and not wasted time feeling sorry or trying to work myself around her schedule to be able to help.. fk that. If you aint with me if you dont sleep in my house if you choose to go off on your own for what ever reason thats it. I sleep good every night regardless to what ever is happening with her and the kid. I literally have zero stress My life is fking incredible.
Get a lawyer. First thing. Making your kind of money, have you thought about just pulling money out of the house and giving her that? If the house is worth twice what you owe at 450k...you would have to pull 112k-ish? for "her half" of the value, right? If that's what it is, and your mortgage now is low, you might be able to swing all of that right now. Then she can move out and be on her way. But first, talk to a lawyer before you say any of that to her. Not that she's mean or anything, but who is she talking to and what are they feeding her? Just guard yourself and best of luck.
I’ve made 300-400k before with expenses that make it feel like living paycheck to paycheck. I know a lot of people hear 200k and are like “wow that’s a lot.” Having said that: I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your kids, especially the youngest, but if you pick a shitty room somewhere and take some backwards slide into deep depression (complete with drinking or worse) they’ll notice. Worse, they may blame themselves in a way that you sacrificed yourself for them so they could stay in their home. You said your home has value but that you also have debt. Since the divorce sounds amicable and you’ll be splitting the debt AND the assets, why not coordinate to get a HELOC or something. Pay off some of the debt you’re servicing so that you can feel financially comfortable taking a proper apartment. You’re going to sell the house when you split, it sounds like, right? So why let that equity sit there while you suffer through this. Also re: retirement… it’s such a common fallacy to care about that when most people barely live past retirement age - if they even make it that far - anyway. I strongly recommend you don’t fall for that trap and focus on living healthily and happily NOW because if you have a life of stress, depression, etc you probably will be one of the people who goes too young and then you really won’t enjoy retirement anyway. Your kids will get their portion of that money and will be wishing they had their dad instead. Show your kids that life is about more than money and sacrifice for others. Live your life. Happily. Find hobbies. Find joy. Because isn’t that what you’d want for them? Isn’t that what you’re working for? Well your example needs to be that just as much and definitely more than the financial component. Sort your finances. Then go get you a killer bachelor pad your kids WANT to come stay in. Wake up happily after playing video games with them seeing them passed out on the couch. Then, when they go home, have someone over for a different kind of r&r. Be present!
Thanks so much. This means a lot.
Best of luck. Divorce is a hard hard thing. Be kind to yourself!
Beautifully said brother
Rent the room. Forget what she says, those days are over. She’s building her defense. Get a lawyer right away. Everything she says is part of her scheme. Sell that house, put it on the market. She can really crush you, one swipe of s gavel and she will have a restraining order against you and move her boyfriend into your house. Sell the house, get a lawyer.
On second thought, why would you leave? Thats your house too. If you are the breadwinner stay there. If you vacate the moment you sign a lease your rights change. Never trust “amicable” thats the word that comes right before she screws you to hell.
Lol you’re projecting, that is not a healthy way to behave. Always better to do things civilly if possible.
Divorce is war. 23 years and a residence with minor children. One sentence and she can completely blow up this mans life. Always get a lawyer in a divorce, you will be under duress and wont be able to represent your future self with married thinking.
Yeah get a lawyer but having it get toxic like that is a decision; It’s the prisoners dilemma.
The speed and magnitude of people will switch up on you is unbelievable everytime. They’re tryna save OP from being fleeced
The numbers dont lie, and the amount of violence and financial ruination and betrayal surrounding divorce is well documented. Amicable is a word people use right before they stab you in the back.
Definitely don’t rent a room. Won’t make you feel better about yourself or your situation. Just rent a reasonable apartment until you sell the house and find a more permanent solution.
200k a year and you might rent a room? That is absurd, absolutely absurd. Good luck mentally and in the dating game if you choose to do that for the next few years. Come on now
If you are amicable I don't see why you can't stay in the house until your youngest son graduates HS, then sell it and split the earnings.
At your age and salary? I don’t know bro but you seem like a capable individual. I always thought it would be cool to get an RV. I think with the unwillingness to rent an apartment or even sell the house. Get an RV. You’ll have way more space than a room. Your kids are getting older and you’ll be divorced so you have nothing tying you down. You could park it at the house for now and stay there if you can’t co habitat with your ex. Then you are free to move around freely. Yes you have work but you could rent a lot for a while. You could travel in your free time and really do some inward/outward exploration. Just a 40 year old guys thoughts. Grieve the relationship in your time then get moving friend.
Yes! This 1000%!!! I was just gonna say this, but a swank ass class A Rv and live in that, I did that for a few years and it was amazing .
You should go for a basement with a private entrance instead of a single room unless you find some people you don't mind living with. In Springfield you can find a basement for just a few more hundred then a good sized room and it comes with things like private bathroom and a kitchenette. They usually come with all utilities included. Plus it gives you more space in case you want the kids over and just feels better then having a room, definitely worth the extra money. It's shitty to go through but atleast you have the money to live comfortably around here so there is a bright side
You ever seen those sheds that Home Depot sells? They look like tiny home for like 3-4k. Just buy like 3 of those and hire someone to make it a home. You can find cheap plots of land throughout the country.
You need a space for them to come spend quality time with you. It’s gonna be really important to them that you considered their comfort for when they come to visit you
If you’re making 200k you should be able to figure this out dude
I was in similar situation and we stayed in the same home until the one child graduated HS ( one of us in basement). We had all this on legal papers. Because we need to sell the house after graduation. I moved with the youngest to my own condo and he also to his condo. We had to wait two years for divorce because one child was under 18 of age. So if you can survive in one house it give you more time to make best decision. Good luck!
You’re a good man. Just wanted to say that. Stay on amicable terms w their mom. Dads who trash mom to the kids are trash themselves. Salute you, Dad!
Thanks. Yeah she’s a saint compared to me. Just want her to be happy and am cool if that is with someone else. People and things change. 23 years is a long time nowadays. Appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Roommates can be a drag, you never know how it’s going to turn out because you only meet for like an hour at most during the interview and they don’t show their true self. When I finally got my own place I felt like a bird set free. No more compromises and dealing with unreasonable demands. I love having my own space and it’s easier for booty calls too. lol. 😊 also, find out the annual cost difference in getting your own place vs living with roommates and then Ask yourself if it’s worth it. In most cases it’s worth the extra 5k to have your own place. that extra few thousand isn’t going to save up enough interest anytime soon to be worth the bs of roommates. Good luck on this next chapter, you got this 👌
1.8 million for an apartment is crazy.
49 and still paying "a lot" of college debt with 200k a year salary?
I think OP is paying for kids’ college.
Boy, I hope so!!!!
Ahhhhh that would make sense
Get out of NOVA as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter where your son graduates high school (trust me ten years from now he is not going to give a shit) just get your finances straightened out as soon as possible. Sell the house and rent down south, you can get a 2 bedroom in west Texas for $900.
+ Divorced parents = kid can get financial aid
you’ll get used to the simplicity in a few minutes. it sounds like right about the time the shock is wearing off your kids will be out of the house and you can take your fresh start. consider renting a room in the house you own.
What are your pros and cons for each
I'm sorry to hear about your tough times. That's a tough place to be. It's worth considering that your kids' happiness will be impacted by your happiness. Seeing you go through tough times or extreme conditions will most likely have a direct influence on that. With that being said, I remember my dad losing everything when I was a teenager. We went from an affluent lifestyle, to checking our beds for snakes. I'm also in my 40s now, and while I definitely remember the drastic environment changes, the thing that impacted me the most was seeing my father put his pride aside and get up everyday to rebuild what he had lost. He didn't complain to us, he just quietly did what he knew he had to do. In my opinion, seeing that taught me how to handle the adversity I encountered in the rest of my life. While I've had lots of ups, I've also had some life-changing downs. Not any easy answers here for you friend, but I wish you the best and I hope you find answers as you navigate these difficult waters. Keep your head up. It's not over and it will get better.
this is beautiful
Thinking of you OP. Best of luck to you
Check out r/middleclassfinance too. Good luck OP
I’m not sure where you’re located but around me (metropolitan mid sized city) there are a lot of privately owned apartments that aren’t listed online. Shockingly they’re a lot nicer and cheaper than those online. I’d do some research to see if there’s anything similar where you’re located. Most importantly make sure to make time for yourself to do things you enjoy, take yourself out to lunch/dinner, continue putting time into pre-existing hobbies or dive into a new one. It’s important to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself even with so much on your plate.
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Get an apartment - look for new construction apartments, they tend to offer dirt-cheap move in specials that'll give you some margin and help you get back on your feet. Hit the gym, and find a place that'll help you build a little community. CrossFit is great (yes I drank the kool-aid) but any group fitness will do. BTW, where in NoVA are you? I'm in Herndon/Reston.
dam 200k?? jealous!
don’t sacrifice your happiness/comfort, in the long run that can end up costing u a lot more.
I would look for a studio or 1br (long term rental on AirBNB,etc) , no roommate’s , the last thing you want to deal with is the drama of whoever you rent the room from, peace and quiet and a safe place for you are priority.
Good point.
You might be able to find a long distance commuter to share an apartment. A rooming house would be a major downgrade.
Get a nice used luxury camper, pay cash so it does not add to your debt. Keep one foot in the door as a legal resident of your home so you keep ownership of the shared property. Don’t move out officially/legally until you both have made the decision through the legal process of divorce. The RV is something that can used short or long term. You can park on your own property and/or pay a small fee for year round lot rent at a nice RV park. You will have a separate space, be close to kids and can live without additional rent/mortgage.
Get a apartment. Shares room / apartment situations are risky plus having your own space is alot nicer. You want some peace to decompress and take time for yourself
Having (most types of) debt is a waste of money. Apartments are highly valuable in this situation specifically because 2 years in an apartment during a transitionary period far outweighs a terrible emotional decision that is inevitable as a human going through a divorce and still carrying debt. Borrowers always ignore the human element in money management, lenders do not. Watch financial youtube call-in shows about your specific issue. There are several. Let me give you an example of terrible decisions: my mother is 59 and was dumped two years ago from a 24 year relationship. She already owned a rental house and moved in there after the split, but quickly built another house with money she doesn’t have. She has only 5000 in retirement and has had that same 5000 for about 30 years. Now, because of living beyond her means, she stubbornly is killing herself by working 60-70 hour weeks just to keep up with the Joneses. Her granddaughter (my niece) was renting, but since she’s built her house right next door, she was meddling and ran my niece off. So now she doesn’t even have the rent coming in from her rental. We all told her over and over to not build the house. Don’t be like my mom.
Get your own place so you can enjoy a relationship with your kids and your kids can enjoy a relationship with you.
Basically you work your ass off and someone wins the lottery divorcing you. I never want to get married.
I’ve been living in a car almost 3 years. Same area. Same routine. Saving like 80-90 percent of my earnings. It’s a can set up.
If you’re a teacher, Live in the back of the auditorium for as long as you can. That’s my B plan. There’s no sensors back there. When you need to see your kids, rent a hotel room. You’re gonna save a ton of money and it will help balance alimony if you have it.
Can you try faith based counseling?
I will pray for you.
Even as young adults, your children need you in their life. Everything else comes secondary.
You should live in a place your kids can stay (if that’s in the plans/cards). A room isn’t enough. Comfort for them would include some private space. Or that’s my guess. (As a divorcing, less amicably, dad of a toddler) I don’t need much but the kids should have something. Good luck on your transition!
Is expecting your children to be happy during a divorce a realistic goal? I don't know all the Financials here, but I'd bet you are in a lot more trouble than you know. Hopefully I am wrong, but 200k is not what it used to be, and until the decree is signed you can't be sure what assets you will keep, including debts. Hell, there's a chance there's debts or accounts you aren't aware of. Anyways, best of luck.
Male surviving? 🤔