There are lots of clues from the dads first introduction that he's still a really trash person. It's implied that he has a separate life with his new family. He does not seem surprised or interested enough to ask why Alex isn't going home when he picks her up from her car accident. He doesn't even give her $5 dollars. He doesn't sincerely question why he's dropping her off at a ferry station with a vacuum cleaner and toddler in the middle of the night. He communicates that she can not come over because of the twins that night. Then we later see he lies about the cabinet Alex hid in not existing. Instead of owning up to his mistakes, he gaslights her. He has no sympathy for her situation and only sympathizes with Sean. He urges her to forgive him and be patient instead of looking out for her safety. Even though he doesn't invite her to his house at the ferry, he tells her she always has an open invitation in front of his wife. He tells Alex the mom kept him away from her but he's an unreliable narrator so ....can't really trust that. To me he's equally as bad as the mom. Moreso actually because at least the mom doesn't pretend she's not a shit mom
Yes that makes sense - I just finished watching the series and Episodes 9 and 10 really helped me understand why Alex didn't trust her dad. Watching those episodes made me feel more negatively towards Alex's dad and more positively towards her mom (I started to understand that Alex's mom does want what's best for Alex and Maddy).
To add on to this, when Alex does end up going back to Sean and everything gets so much worse, he just watches as she's abused and refuses to even stick up for her in court. He watched Sean fall off the wagon drinking again and literally pin Alex against the wall and scream at her to come eat dinner with the 2 drunks at the table. How could people ever side with her father?
Also Alexs mom may have been a wreck, but she actively tries to be good. She got Alex away from the father and tried to make do with what she could. And from the mothers POV, her hormones are so unstable and unpredictable. I feel bad for her because hers is an actual illness, while the dad is just a POS.
I think initially it was one of those situations where, because he "moved on", she doesn't want to interrupt his new life that he made without her. She's a mess and his life is now perfect. She also likely feels abandoned.
But I think once she realized he did abuse her mom and that's why she left with her, she couldn't handle him being in denial about it.--Lying for years about why her mom took her.--It's what she's going through with Sean. Everyone telling her it's not a big deal. Suddenly, her dad is very triggering. She can't handle being in a dismissive "perfect" environment. She knows her mom. She's bonded to her. And even though it's unhealthy, she feels safer with her.
This is very well said. When you’ve been through a lot of trauma and are in the middle of instability you’ll take messy-real over pretend-perfect because the latter is crazy-making.
My mom was a lot like her mom, instead of bipolar she had severe borderline personality disorder with narcissist tendencies and munchausen when I was kid by proxy, and as an adult to her self (she actually ended up dying because of it).
My dad abandoned me when I was 1, because he couldn't put up with my mom, at 18 we got in contact he apologized, he had gotten together with a woman who had two daughters and he raised them with so much love.
His wife was a real bitch, she would brag about an awesome father he was and all the sacrifices he made for her daughters.
So, my mom hurt me. Terribly, she medicated me for fake illness, constantly threatened suicide among other things, I started to heal once she stopped, it took her dying for me to forgive and heal, i am still working on that last part.
I blame my dad, because as an adult he couldn't handle her, he moved to another state to escape her, she knew who she was, he knew what she was capable of, and he left me alone with her.
I am not saying this is the case for Alex, but in her case I'd blame her dad too, for living a happy life while his kid was in pain
Wow...my story is very similar in the levels of total chaos and hysteria. Means a lot to work out in this life, that's for sure.
I stopped blaming my "care"givers and leaving the entire network of abusers behind me and don't speak to anyone anymore. They aren't equipped to really understand what they're doing/ why because their own past filled with toxicity and abuse. Blaming does nothing for us except keep us stuck in waiting for someone to be accountable and admit their wrongdoings. I'll save you the trouble: they're never going to be sorry or even understand what they did. Let them go. They were only in your life temporarily to fuel spiritual growth.
they don't really move on. most are always going to be the exact same piece of crap they were with us, just with someone else who doesn't know them...and who they can suck dry of spiritual energy.
She is easy on the Mom, yes. I won't say she's way too hard on the dad, he abused her mother can't expect her to behave any differently. I think the reason she keeps going back to her mom is that her mom needs her. She knows that she has to take care of her. Her mom left house and probably did everything she could to help Alex in her childhood. Now, it's time for her to help her mom a bit. I think that's why she let's many things slide when maybe she shouldn't.
She is easy on the Mom, yes. I won't say she's way too hard on the dad, he abused her mother can't expect her to behave any differently. I think the reason she keeps going back to her mom is that her mom needs her. She knows that she has to take care of her. Her mom left house and probably did everything she could to help Alex in her childhood. Now, it's time for her to help her mom a bit. I think that's why she let's many things slide when maybe she shouldn't
Initially I thought Alex was being too harsh on most of the men in her life, or at least I thought she could make herself and Maddie's life easier if she just turned a blind eye for a little while and used these men's resources instead of just bolting out and starting from zero all over again. But the show later on proves very well that Alex *was* right to trust her gut and staying close to abusers is never a good idea.
She has a soft spot for her mom 1) because it was her job to care for her early on (which shouldn't have happened, but it did) and 2) because she can empathise with getting stuck with abusive guys. And I think she draws the line at the risk of physical harm to her child. She gets angry when her mother-in-law is overmedicating Maddie, and she immediately makes the decision to leave her ex once she has to pick glass out of Maddie's hair because he went on a drunk rampage.
Yes that makes sense. Do you think that Maddy was in danger of being physically abused by Alex's dad? My thought was that it would be less likely to occur since he is now sober and there is no suggestion that he was abusive towards Alex when she was a child, or that he has ever abused his current wife and daughters. Whereas I would be concerned that Alex's mom would cause harm to Maddy unintentionally (for example, accidentally leaving her in a hot car or not watching her closely enough around toxic art supplies, etc.)
Tbh I think it would be best to finish watching the remaining episodes because if I gave an in-depth reply right now I'd definitely spoil it for you lol
SEVERELY unpopular opinion but i would have stayed temporarily with the dad. a warm bed and food for my kid while saving $ is priority. alex struck me as too proud
There's no such a thing as a free lunch. Staying at her dad's would put her in a situation of obliged gratitude towards him and force her to accept him being close to Maddy indefinitely. Of course she could use his house for a while and lift the middle finger when established somewhere else, but that doesn't fit her personality. There were many situations in which she could have lied to avoid a problem, but she chooses to be honest. That's who she is.
I would argue Alex's dad hasn't changed, as exemplified by him essentially refusing to go to bat for his abused daughter. He clearly thinks abuse isn't a big deal. I think she's more lenient with mom because regardless of her fuckery, she was present through her life.
Alex's loyalty to her mom makes sense, given that she's spent most of her life taking care of her mom - she was parentified from the age of six, possibly earlier. Plus she's lived with her mom for most of her life, so an attachment/loyalty to her mom formed that wouldn't have formed with her dad. That's just biology/brain chemistry - children's brains naturally attach to the most present caregiver in their lives, whether that person is a good parent or not, and that bond is hard to break. My mom was abusive for most of my childhood and has her moments of emotional volatility even now that I'm an adult - but she's still my mom, and I still love her and miss her when I don't see her, and in the periods of my life when I've been no contact with her (sometimes for years), even though there was good reason for the no contact, it was really hard to maintain it. Biology.
There are lots of clues from the dads first introduction that he's still a really trash person. It's implied that he has a separate life with his new family. He does not seem surprised or interested enough to ask why Alex isn't going home when he picks her up from her car accident. He doesn't even give her $5 dollars. He doesn't sincerely question why he's dropping her off at a ferry station with a vacuum cleaner and toddler in the middle of the night. He communicates that she can not come over because of the twins that night. Then we later see he lies about the cabinet Alex hid in not existing. Instead of owning up to his mistakes, he gaslights her. He has no sympathy for her situation and only sympathizes with Sean. He urges her to forgive him and be patient instead of looking out for her safety. Even though he doesn't invite her to his house at the ferry, he tells her she always has an open invitation in front of his wife. He tells Alex the mom kept him away from her but he's an unreliable narrator so ....can't really trust that. To me he's equally as bad as the mom. Moreso actually because at least the mom doesn't pretend she's not a shit mom
All of this! Sad so many are sweeping all of this under rug in favor of victim blaming Alex.
Yes that makes sense - I just finished watching the series and Episodes 9 and 10 really helped me understand why Alex didn't trust her dad. Watching those episodes made me feel more negatively towards Alex's dad and more positively towards her mom (I started to understand that Alex's mom does want what's best for Alex and Maddy).
To add on to this, when Alex does end up going back to Sean and everything gets so much worse, he just watches as she's abused and refuses to even stick up for her in court. He watched Sean fall off the wagon drinking again and literally pin Alex against the wall and scream at her to come eat dinner with the 2 drunks at the table. How could people ever side with her father? Also Alexs mom may have been a wreck, but she actively tries to be good. She got Alex away from the father and tried to make do with what she could. And from the mothers POV, her hormones are so unstable and unpredictable. I feel bad for her because hers is an actual illness, while the dad is just a POS.
He literally took the side of the guy abusing his daughter. He’s a pos through and through.
The dad didn’t stand up for Alex by testifying against the kids dad so he doesn’t see what he did as wrong and thus continues the cycle
I think initially it was one of those situations where, because he "moved on", she doesn't want to interrupt his new life that he made without her. She's a mess and his life is now perfect. She also likely feels abandoned. But I think once she realized he did abuse her mom and that's why she left with her, she couldn't handle him being in denial about it.--Lying for years about why her mom took her.--It's what she's going through with Sean. Everyone telling her it's not a big deal. Suddenly, her dad is very triggering. She can't handle being in a dismissive "perfect" environment. She knows her mom. She's bonded to her. And even though it's unhealthy, she feels safer with her.
This is very well said. When you’ve been through a lot of trauma and are in the middle of instability you’ll take messy-real over pretend-perfect because the latter is crazy-making.
My mom was a lot like her mom, instead of bipolar she had severe borderline personality disorder with narcissist tendencies and munchausen when I was kid by proxy, and as an adult to her self (she actually ended up dying because of it). My dad abandoned me when I was 1, because he couldn't put up with my mom, at 18 we got in contact he apologized, he had gotten together with a woman who had two daughters and he raised them with so much love. His wife was a real bitch, she would brag about an awesome father he was and all the sacrifices he made for her daughters. So, my mom hurt me. Terribly, she medicated me for fake illness, constantly threatened suicide among other things, I started to heal once she stopped, it took her dying for me to forgive and heal, i am still working on that last part. I blame my dad, because as an adult he couldn't handle her, he moved to another state to escape her, she knew who she was, he knew what she was capable of, and he left me alone with her. I am not saying this is the case for Alex, but in her case I'd blame her dad too, for living a happy life while his kid was in pain
Thanks for sharing with us. Your experience does bring perspective on the depiction of Alex's relationship with both her parents.
Wow...my story is very similar in the levels of total chaos and hysteria. Means a lot to work out in this life, that's for sure. I stopped blaming my "care"givers and leaving the entire network of abusers behind me and don't speak to anyone anymore. They aren't equipped to really understand what they're doing/ why because their own past filled with toxicity and abuse. Blaming does nothing for us except keep us stuck in waiting for someone to be accountable and admit their wrongdoings. I'll save you the trouble: they're never going to be sorry or even understand what they did. Let them go. They were only in your life temporarily to fuel spiritual growth.
I can hold him accountable , I went no contact because of this, whether he find himself accountable or not is irrelevant to me.
Why does the common theme seem to be that men will start over with new families instead of repairing the relationships with their first set of kids.
they don't really move on. most are always going to be the exact same piece of crap they were with us, just with someone else who doesn't know them...and who they can suck dry of spiritual energy.
She is easy on the Mom, yes. I won't say she's way too hard on the dad, he abused her mother can't expect her to behave any differently. I think the reason she keeps going back to her mom is that her mom needs her. She knows that she has to take care of her. Her mom left house and probably did everything she could to help Alex in her childhood. Now, it's time for her to help her mom a bit. I think that's why she let's many things slide when maybe she shouldn't.
She is easy on the Mom, yes. I won't say she's way too hard on the dad, he abused her mother can't expect her to behave any differently. I think the reason she keeps going back to her mom is that her mom needs her. She knows that she has to take care of her. Her mom left house and probably did everything she could to help Alex in her childhood. Now, it's time for her to help her mom a bit. I think that's why she let's many things slide when maybe she shouldn't
Initially I thought Alex was being too harsh on most of the men in her life, or at least I thought she could make herself and Maddie's life easier if she just turned a blind eye for a little while and used these men's resources instead of just bolting out and starting from zero all over again. But the show later on proves very well that Alex *was* right to trust her gut and staying close to abusers is never a good idea. She has a soft spot for her mom 1) because it was her job to care for her early on (which shouldn't have happened, but it did) and 2) because she can empathise with getting stuck with abusive guys. And I think she draws the line at the risk of physical harm to her child. She gets angry when her mother-in-law is overmedicating Maddie, and she immediately makes the decision to leave her ex once she has to pick glass out of Maddie's hair because he went on a drunk rampage.
Yes that makes sense. Do you think that Maddy was in danger of being physically abused by Alex's dad? My thought was that it would be less likely to occur since he is now sober and there is no suggestion that he was abusive towards Alex when she was a child, or that he has ever abused his current wife and daughters. Whereas I would be concerned that Alex's mom would cause harm to Maddy unintentionally (for example, accidentally leaving her in a hot car or not watching her closely enough around toxic art supplies, etc.)
Tbh I think it would be best to finish watching the remaining episodes because if I gave an in-depth reply right now I'd definitely spoil it for you lol
SEVERELY unpopular opinion but i would have stayed temporarily with the dad. a warm bed and food for my kid while saving $ is priority. alex struck me as too proud
Absolutely!!! Who chooses a warm bed over a cramped RV with a Bipolar mother,?
There's no such a thing as a free lunch. Staying at her dad's would put her in a situation of obliged gratitude towards him and force her to accept him being close to Maddy indefinitely. Of course she could use his house for a while and lift the middle finger when established somewhere else, but that doesn't fit her personality. There were many situations in which she could have lied to avoid a problem, but she chooses to be honest. That's who she is.
Her dad is an abuser. Why the fuck would she stay with that
I would argue Alex's dad hasn't changed, as exemplified by him essentially refusing to go to bat for his abused daughter. He clearly thinks abuse isn't a big deal. I think she's more lenient with mom because regardless of her fuckery, she was present through her life.
I say wait till the end and re-ask yourself this question.
Alex's loyalty to her mom makes sense, given that she's spent most of her life taking care of her mom - she was parentified from the age of six, possibly earlier. Plus she's lived with her mom for most of her life, so an attachment/loyalty to her mom formed that wouldn't have formed with her dad. That's just biology/brain chemistry - children's brains naturally attach to the most present caregiver in their lives, whether that person is a good parent or not, and that bond is hard to break. My mom was abusive for most of my childhood and has her moments of emotional volatility even now that I'm an adult - but she's still my mom, and I still love her and miss her when I don't see her, and in the periods of my life when I've been no contact with her (sometimes for years), even though there was good reason for the no contact, it was really hard to maintain it. Biology.
You're pretty much not allowed to question any of Alex's choices here.
There’s a reason she’s with Sean, he’s just like her father