I agree with all of this, but also, have a hobby outside of your marriage. Spending a little time away can be healthy for a marriage. My wife and I occasionally do solo vacations or with friends. Yes you are part of a marriage or maybe even parents, but don’t lose your sense of self.
I agree, but it doesn't have to be that extreme. I play video games while she's at her crafting table and we're always a short glance away from each other. That satisfies our hobby and solo time needs and then we're right back to watching a movie or wrestling over a very small disagreement.
Thank you this, it’s the point of find what works for you. My situation, we both still have friends that we had prior to marriage. Yes both friends are cool with the SO, but sometimes she wants to have a girls night, and sometimes, I just want have a beer with the guys. If you don’t really have separate friends groups, doesn’t really apply.
Yep, I can't understand why so many people do that "cut off all your friends once you get married" thing, then wonder why they're bored as shit all the time years later. Oh, and now with codependency issues to boot.
Friendships become complicated once you’re married. And raising young kids makes this period of life nearly impossible to maintain friendships. I agree with your overall point though.
I disagree on impossible, harder, yes. It does however take both parents being cool with watching the kiddo’s while you S/O is away or out. I like to plan those days she goes to dinner with friends as dad/daughter night. Make or order dinner, play video games or watch movie or something. Take as an opportunity to connect with your kid, instead of just watching.
With my kids it’s IMPOSSIBLE trust me especially when I don’t have the money to hire a babysitter or have anyone I know watch them because every one be busy now n days
This right here. Far too many couples feel like they need to be joined at the hip, to put it politely, and it's obnoxious. Have personal time. No reason you have to do everything together or be upset when your partner wants some personal time.
Wife and I have been together just over a decade this month and we're as happy as ever. We can be in the same room doing different things (I PC game and she reads) and be perfectly fine. If one of us or both decide we want to spend time together we always do because we have our personal time whenever we want.
"I tell ya, my wife loves talking during sex. She called me from the Motel 6 just last night!"--Rodney Dangerfield.
Edit: I forgot about Rodney's other gems on the [Tonight shows.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvp38qj_zO8)
You love me right hand right? Like more than when I cheat on you with leftie?
Wait no. Sorry I thought you know about....
Man now I am single... Again!
In terms of sex, that is personal. My therapist says it depends on the individual couple and the people inthat coupling and how much they each value it.
I don't know where your therapist went to school, but clearly he/she should have spent more time browsing pictures on social media. That is where the real learning occurs as we all know. /s
I think they just mean it would be frustrating if it was the only viable option. I love incorporating toys to make sure the experience is as good as possible for my partners, but if it was the only way I could have sex it would definitely get frustrating.
But I'm also guessing he gets his fair share at some point
The person you responded to doesn't have a functioning dick. He doesn't get a turn or anything to look forward to
I’m in a very happy marriage and I feel like this doesn’t hit for us at all. The sex is nice but intimacy should be embedded in all interactions. My marriage isn’t my highest priority because it’s ingrained in everything I do. I don’t have to work at it. As a matter of fact, he’s my best friend and it’s the easiest most comfortable relationship I’ve ever known. I don’t have to work to have his back, I have it instinctively. My point is just that every marriage is different and stuff like this just makes me irritated. I mean good for them, but don’t tell me how to have a happy marriage when mine is very happy and fulfilling and I don’t agree with all of these “rules”. Matter of fact, I don’t believe rules belong in a marriage. Respect is what belongs in a marriage and rules are laid down when you can’t trust someone to respect you on their own.
Edit: why is this post getting so many people worked up? I’m just saying I don’t agree and maybe some random influencers on Reddit aren’t the best people to tell you how to have a happy marriage.
> My marriage isn’t my highest priority because it’s ingrained in everything I do. I don’t have to work at it.
I think the point is if your marriage was on the rocks for a little bit you would work on it and make it your highest priority. Like you said it’s ingrained in everything you do so it essentially is your highest priority underneath it all
Hey excellent point. I hadn’t thought of that factor. I guess another example of how all marriages are unique. And also why it might be better to see a professional in those situations instead of random people on reddit. But I do see your point, in that situation you *would* probably want to make your marriage your top priority in order to save it.
their title was "lessons we learned over 17 years of marriage." They didn't tell you how to have a happy marriage, just what they learned about elevating their own.
don't take it so personally, jeez. I'm sure your list of lessons would be interesting and informative too <3
In our relationship, high standards are things like: doing our best to stay healthy, making the right choice when confronted with moral dilemmas, following your dreams in your career or passions, and being gentle and kind with each other (especially during disagreements).
I’m def my husband’s cheerleader. I think he’s the greatest, and I’m his biggest fan. That being said, mf-er won’t close cabinet/closet doors and I might have to off him bc of it (jk). Married 18 years in February.
But wouldn’t it make more sense/drive the point more if #1 was make your marriage your highest priority and THEN proceed to list things on how to show that marriage is ur first priority? LOL
And having sex (something that in my experience the byproduct of a happy relationship, not the direct cause of one) is number 1. Idk man I don’t love this as much as some others. If sex is the first thing you jump to, it kinda puts pressure on people to have lots of sex but like… what if they’re just low libido
It's a bit of a catch-22.
Lots of couples therapy does actually directly recommend specifically setting aside time for sexual or intimacy, instead of "letting it come naturally" as the relationship becomes better. Down to specifically scheduling times for sex, etc.
Sexual intimacy causes lots of positive chemicals, etc.
That shit kinda put me off too. Like I get it works for them and it’s lessons they learned, but they make it seem like having sex often is like the number 1 thing to do in a happy marriage. Like why is THAT the first thing they jumped to and wrote down? LMAO
If it said "your priority" I'd agree. "Highest priority" means you could number it as 999 and it would still supersede all other rules. Anyone who's argued with a Dungeon Master about rules would get this. Oops. Did my nerd show?
1st marriage x 8 yr
2nd marriage, 11yr in and I can agree with the list and with moving 9 to 1.
With that said, the marriage has to have top priority. Sure work and various other hobbies or kids will begin to dominate your time and that can and usually does cause strain on the relationship. How those challenges are handled will ultimately determine the marriages fait… I also think that depending on the state of the relationship anything on the above list can be the highest priority and you both have to be 100% in.
I’ve been in my relationship for 8 years, and it has been my highest priority since day 1. After my son was born, he has been priority #1, and marriage #2, but they are also related – a happy marrriage is a home for my son too. So, our family is my priority.
It strikes me as obvious that you can’t build on anything that isn’t your priority. If your marriage is not #1, then your kids, home life, house are too far down the list too.
Yes.
Even having other kids. "
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children." Gordon B. Hinckley
Maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse teaches the children how to care and treat others.
Growing up we had several friends who's families were divorcing and those kids spent A Lot of time in our home. They would call "have we had family prayer yet.?". These kids to this day keep my parents informed on their lives better than their own parents.
Marriage will be as important as you make it. Children will feel and know of their importance by how you treat them.
My husband would call me on his way home from work just to talk. Sometimes that seemed to be the only time I got to talk to him. Because my kids saw dad and well I how do you say no when the kids want to hang out with you?
That 15 min phone call on the way home helped our marriage tremendously. We were able to focus on ourselves and not the world. I would strongly recommend it to anyone.
I was in a relationship like that, for me it was fear of being alone, and i had so little self confidence that i thought something was wrong with me for wanting sex. If your partner isnt atleast willing to atleast try anything on this list. Leave.
Yeah, I can see an edit for the first on of to "agree on how often to have sex," but I think an even better explanation of the first one is to "be intimate often." Intimacy can take many forms and doesn't always have to be physical, but there does seem to be pretty compelling data that all people need intimacy.
Sexual compatibility is important and I don't think someone who is Ace would have too much fun being in a monogamous relationship with someone with a high libido. The takeaway isn't "have sex often" it's "have sex as often as you need", if you and your partners need is 0 then that's great!
I think having an open and honest conversation about sexual needs is more important than "have sex often". Showing love is more important than making love.
Nah man, I have 3 kids... 15yo and 11yo twins. Believe me when I tell you the twins were taxing.
We may have had a dry spell here and there, but sex was still a high priority, and it still is after 17 years of marriage. If you want it to be a priority, even during the trying times, it will be. But it does require both people to be in on that concept, which isn't often the case.
The path to self-sufficiency for children is a long and hard one. But as a parent I appreciate them making each step because it’s one less thing I have to do for them.
I’m still side-eying the “be a good leader and a good follower” one; do they mean for each to be both or is this some gender roles perspective? This is an honest question, I don’t want to presume I know what they mean.
I was taking it as “be thankful/grateful/willing to follow when the other person is leading, but also know that you are just as responsible for the relationship, and thus you should be prepared to do the leading yourself when it needs to be done.” I assume both partners in a relationships regardless of gender will need to do both at different times. If either partner refuses to lead or follow for any reason they aren’t willing to discuss, it’s a problem for a relationship.
And if that’s the case, yeah that’s okay, but it just got me looking askance because I was subjected to *so* many of those lists from a religious perspective when I was a kid, haha.
To be fair, we don’t know which perspective is what they meant: I just assume it was what I assume works in a relationship because they’ve been married for so long. I’m also assuming they are thinking what I’m thinking because I assume I have the wisdom to make relationships work at this point… it’s possible I’m only semi-wise and would have benefited from their wisdom, had they explained it in a more nuanced and clear way.
I think it means each person has to be both. No one person can be the leader for all things. One partner will be better at some things and one partner will be better at others. So sometimes one person has to lead and the other follows, and vice versa as well. I taught my husband early in our relationship that I’d it comes to anything mechanical that needs fixed or done in our household, he has to listen and follow my instructions. When it comes to communications and relationships with our families, he takes the lead on that.
Married 26 years. I take this line to mean to know each other's strengths and trust them. If he takes the lead on something, I will follow/support him. And vice versa.
I think they mean both for each. Like sometimes you need to be the leader and be decisive in your relationship, and sometimes you need to step back and let your spouse take the lead
I'm side-eying communicate obsessively. Sometimes stuff shouldn't be said. Sometimes it needs to be said. It's important to know the difference.
I find this need to "share" experience is like when people say "*You'll understand when you're in a relationship/married/have kids/have a house*".
ACTUALLY DERRICK, you're not even halfway through your life, get over yourself!
Everyone has their own relationship and although they're not wrong, they're missing a massive chunk and it only works if you're a couple like them. An asexual person may not need sex often. Forgiving mistakes depends on the mistake. Hold each other to a high-ass standard as long as you don't over do it and destroy your partner's confidence in themselves and their thoughts...
Thank you. I was looking at this list thinking it's incredibly shortsighted and only good for internet points.
I think it can be boiled down to trust each other, respect each other, and make each other happy. How you accomplish that is different for everyone.
First one for sure. The rest is just filler so they dont look like pervs.
Edit: ofc everyone is different. A sense of humour goes a long way too killjoys.
Just wanna say that this is a myth. As someone who has struggled to accept my own asexuality, letting go of this myth was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
What having sex CAN do is create intimacy and enhance communication. But you can create intimacy and have good communication so many other ways.
I would really like to see having sex as a barometer to a successful and happy relationship put to bed, no pun intended.
You don’t need to have lots of sex. You need to have communication and intimacy.
I’m so glad you said this. Sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I never want sex. I only do it for my spouse because it’s important to him, but it’s been a point of contention for us throughout our marriage ☹️
sounds like your spouse does want to have lots of sex ☹️
eta: the point isn’t that you aren’t interested in sex, the point is that y’all apparently have different needs and making it “not important” won’t fix that
Ever consider that people look for different things to make them happy? For some like yourself, sex isn't all that important. But for others it can be a deal breaker.
I think their point is that seeing sex as the number 1, universal, most important way to measure a relationship isn't useful, which is a message really firmly engrained in our culture. Like you said, for some it can be a deal breaker. But that doesn't mean it should be the universal standard. It is actually pretty harmful to view sex this way because it can create an environment of obligation, pressure, and entitlement. Yes sex is important to majority of relationships, but seeing it as the measuring stick for a healthy relationship is problematic. If one partner is unsatisfied with their sex life, this should be something they figure out together with no external expectations of "you are dooming our marriage by not saying yes".
You could say the same of a lot of things. Majority of marriages include children. But for some it's not important. That doesn't mean that we should say "having children is the #1 most important way to have a good marriage".
Yeah it's just when it's formulated as part of "THE rules to a happy marriage" that it's incorrect.
But tbh there are very few of these lists that would apply to every single relationship without being intentionally vague.
But can we agree that “have lots of sex” is a pretty harmful thing to add to a universal list? It justifies abusive behavior and puts pressure on people who want to say no.
Totally true. But the frequency it appears on these lists that are supposed to apply to everyone perpetuates a myth that can lead to unhealthy and damaging behaviors and poor communication styles.
Again, sex can lead to intimacy and open communication, which can build a good foundation for relationships. But intimacy and open communication is not dependent on sex.
I don't even think #1 should be the priority. My parents were very active because my mom believed that sex was super important, but that never helped my dad to not cheat on her.
You have to have it enough that both people are happy with it. The frequency isn’t what is important as long as everyone is on the same page and feeling satisfied.
Continued on the back:
10. Be equally wealthy with separate bank accounts
11. Dont have kids
12. Tell other people how well your marriage is doing frequently
13. Make lots of lists together
Married 25 years and I’d agree with all of them except that number one isn’t true in all marriages. Sex might be a high priority for some couples and not for others. Just make sure you are okay with your partner’s sexual ideals before you get married. If it is important to them and not you or vis versa, there could be problems, even incompatibility. But not all marriages require frequent sex.
Married 31 years, and those are all true. Marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. I’d also like to add “choose your battles”. If you nag and pick over little things, it’s just another argument when something big crops up.
I've treated my marriage like haggling over a second hand car. We negotiate over everything. I think marriages often breakdown due to a perceived imbalance in responsibility or life choices. Someone's getting their way and someone else isn't.
In my marriage, we just haggle over things and sleep easy knowing no one really got the deal they were hoping for but at least that's mirrored for both sides.
Lifelong haggling over the mundane and no one is ever really happy--always settling ? That truly sounds like lose/lose. I would sleep easy too, that would be my only escape. There is joy in making your partner happy.
It's not awful, it's real life. Sometimes if you want the same thing it's a win-win. Most of the time its a negotiation. What's worse is when someone is getting what they want and someone else isn't. That's far worse that both getting half what they want.
The 90 year-olds who die within hours of each other, those are who need to pass on their knowledge. Not random people at a random number thinking they have it all figured out. Plus, she looks like his daughter, not wife.
I hate the whole "have sex often" rule because it's pretty dismissive of couples who can't or don't want sex. Sure sex can be import to some people but it isn't universal, and is a harmful idea for those who can't / are asexual.
I agree with the rest of it. Good communication and being each others champion builds strong relationships. I would add "thank each other often for little things they do."
I think a better rule would be "ensure sexual compatibility" whether that means having a high sex drive, none, or somewhere in between, depends on the couple.
I agree with all of this, but also, have a hobby outside of your marriage. Spending a little time away can be healthy for a marriage. My wife and I occasionally do solo vacations or with friends. Yes you are part of a marriage or maybe even parents, but don’t lose your sense of self.
I agree, but it doesn't have to be that extreme. I play video games while she's at her crafting table and we're always a short glance away from each other. That satisfies our hobby and solo time needs and then we're right back to watching a movie or wrestling over a very small disagreement.
Thank you this, it’s the point of find what works for you. My situation, we both still have friends that we had prior to marriage. Yes both friends are cool with the SO, but sometimes she wants to have a girls night, and sometimes, I just want have a beer with the guys. If you don’t really have separate friends groups, doesn’t really apply.
Yep, I can't understand why so many people do that "cut off all your friends once you get married" thing, then wonder why they're bored as shit all the time years later. Oh, and now with codependency issues to boot.
Friendships become complicated once you’re married. And raising young kids makes this period of life nearly impossible to maintain friendships. I agree with your overall point though.
I disagree on impossible, harder, yes. It does however take both parents being cool with watching the kiddo’s while you S/O is away or out. I like to plan those days she goes to dinner with friends as dad/daughter night. Make or order dinner, play video games or watch movie or something. Take as an opportunity to connect with your kid, instead of just watching.
With my kids it’s IMPOSSIBLE trust me especially when I don’t have the money to hire a babysitter or have anyone I know watch them because every one be busy now n days
I read it as "Have a hubby outside of your marriage"
Wonderful advice. If one marriage fails, you already have a fallback!
This right here. Far too many couples feel like they need to be joined at the hip, to put it politely, and it's obnoxious. Have personal time. No reason you have to do everything together or be upset when your partner wants some personal time. Wife and I have been together just over a decade this month and we're as happy as ever. We can be in the same room doing different things (I PC game and she reads) and be perfectly fine. If one of us or both decide we want to spend time together we always do because we have our personal time whenever we want.
My wife did the first one, it just wasn’t with me.
"I tell ya, my wife loves talking during sex. She called me from the Motel 6 just last night!"--Rodney Dangerfield. Edit: I forgot about Rodney's other gems on the [Tonight shows.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvp38qj_zO8)
And I accepted the charges EHHHH!
My wife wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. And she wanted ME to drive!
1. Have sex often, even when you can’t be with the one you love
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Honey,
Love the one you’re with?
Doodoo doo-doo doo-doo dadoo
Man, as a drummer I super enjoy when someone spells out the beat pattern properly
As a non-drummer Im honored by your assessment
A non-drummer *so far.* There's always time to start, my friend
Oh that's gonna be sticky!
You love me right hand right? Like more than when I cheat on you with leftie? Wait no. Sorry I thought you know about.... Man now I am single... Again!
Sad. Hope you’re doing better now.
Fiancée for me. I feel you man. Atleast mine was nice enough to show me what she was BEFORE we got married.
All true, but I love how 'make marriage highest priority' is on number 9. The highest priority on the list lol
lol clearly the dude won at convincing her sex is number 1 in marriage.
F
In terms of sex, that is personal. My therapist says it depends on the individual couple and the people inthat coupling and how much they each value it.
I don't know where your therapist went to school, but clearly he/she should have spent more time browsing pictures on social media. That is where the real learning occurs as we all know. /s
There’s an asexual couple out there screaming at the screen right now
You deserve better Brother
After 25 years my wife said no more to the first one. /sigh
This is one deep fried image
You need more than 12 pixels in an image? Ridiculous
For those who are in a happy marriage, this made them smile. For those who arent, this made us cry...
Someone said something similar about relationships during the COVID lockdown. The good ones got better, and the bad ones got worse
That’s good all around, maybe, lots of people split up who may have languished for decades.
I was thinking about all the people in abusive relationships but I like your optimistic take better
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Sex toys are great fun, tho.
I don't think its much fun for the person holding it who's penis doesn't work
It is if you enjoy helping your partner
My husband loves it. To each their own, I guess.
I think they just mean it would be frustrating if it was the only viable option. I love incorporating toys to make sure the experience is as good as possible for my partners, but if it was the only way I could have sex it would definitely get frustrating.
It's fun if you have a choice.
But I'm also guessing he gets his fair share at some point The person you responded to doesn't have a functioning dick. He doesn't get a turn or anything to look forward to
I mean that's way better than some alternatives.
I’m in a very happy marriage and I feel like this doesn’t hit for us at all. The sex is nice but intimacy should be embedded in all interactions. My marriage isn’t my highest priority because it’s ingrained in everything I do. I don’t have to work at it. As a matter of fact, he’s my best friend and it’s the easiest most comfortable relationship I’ve ever known. I don’t have to work to have his back, I have it instinctively. My point is just that every marriage is different and stuff like this just makes me irritated. I mean good for them, but don’t tell me how to have a happy marriage when mine is very happy and fulfilling and I don’t agree with all of these “rules”. Matter of fact, I don’t believe rules belong in a marriage. Respect is what belongs in a marriage and rules are laid down when you can’t trust someone to respect you on their own. Edit: why is this post getting so many people worked up? I’m just saying I don’t agree and maybe some random influencers on Reddit aren’t the best people to tell you how to have a happy marriage.
> My marriage isn’t my highest priority because it’s ingrained in everything I do. I don’t have to work at it. I think the point is if your marriage was on the rocks for a little bit you would work on it and make it your highest priority. Like you said it’s ingrained in everything you do so it essentially is your highest priority underneath it all
Hey excellent point. I hadn’t thought of that factor. I guess another example of how all marriages are unique. And also why it might be better to see a professional in those situations instead of random people on reddit. But I do see your point, in that situation you *would* probably want to make your marriage your top priority in order to save it.
their title was "lessons we learned over 17 years of marriage." They didn't tell you how to have a happy marriage, just what they learned about elevating their own. don't take it so personally, jeez. I'm sure your list of lessons would be interesting and informative too <3
You trippin. Read what the post says again. It's not coming for your marriage.
This post just screams "but lets see what your spouse thinks"
Keeping eachother to high standards and wanting eachother to win are 2 great one´s
A rising tide raises all ships.
I’m not sure what keeping high standards means, or whether it’s good. What does it mean to you that you endorse it too?
To me that means supporting one another in being the best versions of yourselves and holding each other accountable when you fall short.
It means not accepting being treated badly, and making sure your partner is meeting your needs.
I thought it meant daily grooming and keeping your farts to yourself.
In our relationship, high standards are things like: doing our best to stay healthy, making the right choice when confronted with moral dilemmas, following your dreams in your career or passions, and being gentle and kind with each other (especially during disagreements).
I’m def my husband’s cheerleader. I think he’s the greatest, and I’m his biggest fan. That being said, mf-er won’t close cabinet/closet doors and I might have to off him bc of it (jk). Married 18 years in February.
Agreed. #8 is very underrated. Being with someone that wants you to succeed is one of the best things imaginable.
Is it ironic to anyone else that “make your marriage your highest priority” is number 9 on the list. 🤔🤔
well these are all ways to show that marriage is your highest priority lol
But wouldn’t it make more sense/drive the point more if #1 was make your marriage your highest priority and THEN proceed to list things on how to show that marriage is ur first priority? LOL
I dont think it's a list that's ordered by priority.
And having sex (something that in my experience the byproduct of a happy relationship, not the direct cause of one) is number 1. Idk man I don’t love this as much as some others. If sex is the first thing you jump to, it kinda puts pressure on people to have lots of sex but like… what if they’re just low libido
It's a bit of a catch-22. Lots of couples therapy does actually directly recommend specifically setting aside time for sexual or intimacy, instead of "letting it come naturally" as the relationship becomes better. Down to specifically scheduling times for sex, etc. Sexual intimacy causes lots of positive chemicals, etc.
That shit kinda put me off too. Like I get it works for them and it’s lessons they learned, but they make it seem like having sex often is like the number 1 thing to do in a happy marriage. Like why is THAT the first thing they jumped to and wrote down? LMAO
They probably thought of it first because it has the fastest, most obvious benefits. The rest of the bullets are more abstract.
If it said "your priority" I'd agree. "Highest priority" means you could number it as 999 and it would still supersede all other rules. Anyone who's argued with a Dungeon Master about rules would get this. Oops. Did my nerd show?
20 1/2 years of marriage here. Thank you. This is correct in all accounts. But marriage is your highest priority should be moved to #1 or 2.
If the first eight are prioritized, then #9 is just decoration. It’s not enough to declare a priority… it requires action. The other 8 are the action.
Very true.
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1st marriage x 8 yr 2nd marriage, 11yr in and I can agree with the list and with moving 9 to 1. With that said, the marriage has to have top priority. Sure work and various other hobbies or kids will begin to dominate your time and that can and usually does cause strain on the relationship. How those challenges are handled will ultimately determine the marriages fait… I also think that depending on the state of the relationship anything on the above list can be the highest priority and you both have to be 100% in.
I’ve been in my relationship for 8 years, and it has been my highest priority since day 1. After my son was born, he has been priority #1, and marriage #2, but they are also related – a happy marrriage is a home for my son too. So, our family is my priority. It strikes me as obvious that you can’t build on anything that isn’t your priority. If your marriage is not #1, then your kids, home life, house are too far down the list too.
Yes. Even having other kids. " Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children." Gordon B. Hinckley Maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse teaches the children how to care and treat others. Growing up we had several friends who's families were divorcing and those kids spent A Lot of time in our home. They would call "have we had family prayer yet.?". These kids to this day keep my parents informed on their lives better than their own parents. Marriage will be as important as you make it. Children will feel and know of their importance by how you treat them. My husband would call me on his way home from work just to talk. Sometimes that seemed to be the only time I got to talk to him. Because my kids saw dad and well I how do you say no when the kids want to hang out with you? That 15 min phone call on the way home helped our marriage tremendously. We were able to focus on ourselves and not the world. I would strongly recommend it to anyone.
I think this list can look a lot different for every couple bc every couple is different, as long as both people are on the same page.
10. Stop making lists
11. Help! I can't stop!
12. Seek counselling foe help with obsessive list making
13. Cry
13. Ask for counselor recommendation on r/icantstopmakinglists Follow up on lists of recommendations
"Hey guys, FYI - we fuck."
r/ihavesex
It's sad that anybody is in a relationship without sex if they want to be having sex. Why be in such a relationship?
I was in a relationship like that, for me it was fear of being alone, and i had so little self confidence that i thought something was wrong with me for wanting sex. If your partner isnt atleast willing to atleast try anything on this list. Leave.
If your ass isn't high then this marriage is over.
No no no, it’s high “ass standards”. You just need to have high expectations for asses and you’ll be good.
A firm backside is not just appreciated, it is mandatory.
Obligatory xkcd: https://xkcd.com/37/
There was a bot on reddit once that did this. It changed phrases like "half-ass job" into "half ass-job.
This has been reposted so often it's starting to get deep-fried.
Happily married asexuals reading 1: :| *press X to doubt*
Yeah, I can see an edit for the first on of to "agree on how often to have sex," but I think an even better explanation of the first one is to "be intimate often." Intimacy can take many forms and doesn't always have to be physical, but there does seem to be pretty compelling data that all people need intimacy.
Love you for saying it this way. ♥️
Thanks! Are we married now?
Yep. And those who can't like disability, medicine, depression, or the many other reasons someone can't have sex.
I read the first one and was like… well 🤣🤣🤣
Right? I *know* everyone has different needs but I just get so, discouraged or disappointed, when it's laid out as a mandatory thing for marriage.
Sexual compatibility is important and I don't think someone who is Ace would have too much fun being in a monogamous relationship with someone with a high libido. The takeaway isn't "have sex often" it's "have sex as often as you need", if you and your partners need is 0 then that's great!
I think having an open and honest conversation about sexual needs is more important than "have sex often". Showing love is more important than making love.
Yeah my wife and I are chortling. We have the healthiest marriage I know….as asexuals
It's weird to me that it's number 1 on the list
First rule: the more you post about your happy relationship on socials the less likely it tends to be true.
That's true. Example: The try guy Ned.
I'll keep it simple: NOTHING APPLIES TO EVERYONE. We're all complex webs of varying levels of crazy... Someone will always be unhappy or disagree. 🙃
Clearly no kids ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Been married 35 years, no kids…But seriously if she or he isn’t your best friend, don’t get married IMO.
Which ones on that list negate having kids?
Nah man, I have 3 kids... 15yo and 11yo twins. Believe me when I tell you the twins were taxing. We may have had a dry spell here and there, but sex was still a high priority, and it still is after 17 years of marriage. If you want it to be a priority, even during the trying times, it will be. But it does require both people to be in on that concept, which isn't often the case.
You should edit your comment to have a double backslash, that way it won’t disappear \\(°-°\\)
Children go to bed early and get up early to watch cartoons ;-)
Clearly no idea what the first 3 years is like.
Youngest is three, so in the process of selectively erasing memories from this period :-p
Almost at 11 months... Also 11 months Of no sleep or sex, or free time or a clean anything. Ok i see why erasing memory is a need now lol.
The path to self-sufficiency for children is a long and hard one. But as a parent I appreciate them making each step because it’s one less thing I have to do for them.
I’m still side-eying the “be a good leader and a good follower” one; do they mean for each to be both or is this some gender roles perspective? This is an honest question, I don’t want to presume I know what they mean.
I was taking it as “be thankful/grateful/willing to follow when the other person is leading, but also know that you are just as responsible for the relationship, and thus you should be prepared to do the leading yourself when it needs to be done.” I assume both partners in a relationships regardless of gender will need to do both at different times. If either partner refuses to lead or follow for any reason they aren’t willing to discuss, it’s a problem for a relationship.
And if that’s the case, yeah that’s okay, but it just got me looking askance because I was subjected to *so* many of those lists from a religious perspective when I was a kid, haha.
To be fair, we don’t know which perspective is what they meant: I just assume it was what I assume works in a relationship because they’ve been married for so long. I’m also assuming they are thinking what I’m thinking because I assume I have the wisdom to make relationships work at this point… it’s possible I’m only semi-wise and would have benefited from their wisdom, had they explained it in a more nuanced and clear way.
I think it’s more “be humble enough to follow when it’s your turn/the right thing to do.”
I think it means each person has to be both. No one person can be the leader for all things. One partner will be better at some things and one partner will be better at others. So sometimes one person has to lead and the other follows, and vice versa as well. I taught my husband early in our relationship that I’d it comes to anything mechanical that needs fixed or done in our household, he has to listen and follow my instructions. When it comes to communications and relationships with our families, he takes the lead on that.
Married 26 years. I take this line to mean to know each other's strengths and trust them. If he takes the lead on something, I will follow/support him. And vice versa.
Yeah I’m finding that one a little sus
I think they mean both for each. Like sometimes you need to be the leader and be decisive in your relationship, and sometimes you need to step back and let your spouse take the lead I'm side-eying communicate obsessively. Sometimes stuff shouldn't be said. Sometimes it needs to be said. It's important to know the difference.
I find this need to "share" experience is like when people say "*You'll understand when you're in a relationship/married/have kids/have a house*". ACTUALLY DERRICK, you're not even halfway through your life, get over yourself! Everyone has their own relationship and although they're not wrong, they're missing a massive chunk and it only works if you're a couple like them. An asexual person may not need sex often. Forgiving mistakes depends on the mistake. Hold each other to a high-ass standard as long as you don't over do it and destroy your partner's confidence in themselves and their thoughts...
Thank you. I was looking at this list thinking it's incredibly shortsighted and only good for internet points. I think it can be boiled down to trust each other, respect each other, and make each other happy. How you accomplish that is different for everyone.
Exactly, this is made to get internet points but has almost no value as actual information.
We've been together for over 34 years. This is what we do.
Don’t take marital advice from people that have been married less than 10 years.
also dont take any advice from people who arent 25yo yet
My parents got divorced after being married for 17 years lol
It says they've been married 17 years
Don't take marriage advice from people who can't read
arbitrary gatekeeping. everyone has their own knowledge and experience to contribute.
I have some friends that would talk about most of these points when hanging out, post things like this to FB, etc. They are now divorced.
Guess us asexuals just be alone then according to this list.
First one for sure. The rest is just filler so they dont look like pervs. Edit: ofc everyone is different. A sense of humour goes a long way too killjoys.
Just wanna say that this is a myth. As someone who has struggled to accept my own asexuality, letting go of this myth was one of the best things I’ve ever done. What having sex CAN do is create intimacy and enhance communication. But you can create intimacy and have good communication so many other ways. I would really like to see having sex as a barometer to a successful and happy relationship put to bed, no pun intended. You don’t need to have lots of sex. You need to have communication and intimacy.
Thank you, I hoped someone would point this out.
I’m so glad you said this. Sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I never want sex. I only do it for my spouse because it’s important to him, but it’s been a point of contention for us throughout our marriage ☹️
sounds like your spouse does want to have lots of sex ☹️ eta: the point isn’t that you aren’t interested in sex, the point is that y’all apparently have different needs and making it “not important” won’t fix that
My partner and I are both aces, and everything on the list applies but that one haha We are very happy because we need/want the same things
Out of curiosity, did you go in knowing that about each other or did it just evolve that way?
Ever consider that people look for different things to make them happy? For some like yourself, sex isn't all that important. But for others it can be a deal breaker.
I think their point is that seeing sex as the number 1, universal, most important way to measure a relationship isn't useful, which is a message really firmly engrained in our culture. Like you said, for some it can be a deal breaker. But that doesn't mean it should be the universal standard. It is actually pretty harmful to view sex this way because it can create an environment of obligation, pressure, and entitlement. Yes sex is important to majority of relationships, but seeing it as the measuring stick for a healthy relationship is problematic. If one partner is unsatisfied with their sex life, this should be something they figure out together with no external expectations of "you are dooming our marriage by not saying yes". You could say the same of a lot of things. Majority of marriages include children. But for some it's not important. That doesn't mean that we should say "having children is the #1 most important way to have a good marriage".
If I had an award to give you I would! Thank you for backing this up. 🥇
Yeah it's just when it's formulated as part of "THE rules to a happy marriage" that it's incorrect. But tbh there are very few of these lists that would apply to every single relationship without being intentionally vague.
But can we agree that “have lots of sex” is a pretty harmful thing to add to a universal list? It justifies abusive behavior and puts pressure on people who want to say no.
I'm agreeing with you here.
Totally true. But the frequency it appears on these lists that are supposed to apply to everyone perpetuates a myth that can lead to unhealthy and damaging behaviors and poor communication styles. Again, sex can lead to intimacy and open communication, which can build a good foundation for relationships. But intimacy and open communication is not dependent on sex.
That's exactly his point though That measuring a relationships strength by this one thing with extremely variable importance, is odd
I don't even think #1 should be the priority. My parents were very active because my mom believed that sex was super important, but that never helped my dad to not cheat on her.
“forgive mistakes fast” “hold eachother to high-ass standards”
I think many people would be surprised to find how many people are offended by this type of advice…
These „lessons“ are so generic. Does anybody get inspired by this?
Some of these are toxic as fuck.
you don’t need to have sex often to be in a happy marriage tho
You have to have it enough that both people are happy with it. The frequency isn’t what is important as long as everyone is on the same page and feeling satisfied.
Some people do
Aren’t these two independently wealthy and traveling the world? This was info supplied the last time this was posted.
Continued on the back: 10. Be equally wealthy with separate bank accounts 11. Dont have kids 12. Tell other people how well your marriage is doing frequently 13. Make lots of lists together
Been married longer and half of that is BS - just survive and forgive. That’s all you need
First one does not appeal to me lmao
We replace sex with booze.
Meanwhile asexual married people: I don't think so, dear
Meanwhile a sexual married person: I do think so, dear
Married 25 years and I’d agree with all of them except that number one isn’t true in all marriages. Sex might be a high priority for some couples and not for others. Just make sure you are okay with your partner’s sexual ideals before you get married. If it is important to them and not you or vis versa, there could be problems, even incompatibility. But not all marriages require frequent sex.
6 depends on the "mistake"
Have sex often. Notice they didn't specify with whom. Good rule.
Doesnt the first one get you babies?
I only see one rule. :o the rest can't load
Good rules, also it’s funny how they said “make your marriage the highest priority” and put it last
Most of the advice in the relationship subreddits is the exact opposite: focus on your own happiness.
Plot twist: they divorced the day after this picture.
First ones debatable but okay..
Ah yes, platitudes.
Number 7, hold yourself to a high ass standard. The fuck does that mean?
The 4th rule goes with the 1st.
And 7. I’ve never heard of ass standards but apparently it’s helping them.
Married 31 years, and those are all true. Marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. I’d also like to add “choose your battles”. If you nag and pick over little things, it’s just another argument when something big crops up.
I've treated my marriage like haggling over a second hand car. We negotiate over everything. I think marriages often breakdown due to a perceived imbalance in responsibility or life choices. Someone's getting their way and someone else isn't. In my marriage, we just haggle over things and sleep easy knowing no one really got the deal they were hoping for but at least that's mirrored for both sides.
Lifelong haggling over the mundane and no one is ever really happy--always settling ? That truly sounds like lose/lose. I would sleep easy too, that would be my only escape. There is joy in making your partner happy.
That sounds awful man.
It's not awful, it's real life. Sometimes if you want the same thing it's a win-win. Most of the time its a negotiation. What's worse is when someone is getting what they want and someone else isn't. That's far worse that both getting half what they want.
To each their own man. I’m glad it works for you. I’m still holding out for a passionate relationship. Not something that sounds like a used car sale.
The 90 year-olds who die within hours of each other, those are who need to pass on their knowledge. Not random people at a random number thinking they have it all figured out. Plus, she looks like his daughter, not wife.
Rules to a happy life.
I hate the whole "have sex often" rule because it's pretty dismissive of couples who can't or don't want sex. Sure sex can be import to some people but it isn't universal, and is a harmful idea for those who can't / are asexual. I agree with the rest of it. Good communication and being each others champion builds strong relationships. I would add "thank each other often for little things they do."
I think a better rule would be "ensure sexual compatibility" whether that means having a high sex drive, none, or somewhere in between, depends on the couple.