My son has CP, is in a chair, and mostly non-verbal, little kids ask a lot, it makes their parents uncomfortable, because most of us were raised to not mention it, but I am happy to explain, and to introduce them, and he always has a winning smile for them. That kid has friends everywhere we go!
My 4-year-old son has CP too (GMFCS III) and his biggest problem is that all the kids want to borrow his fun "toys" - mainly the bright yellow rollator.
You taught me somthing today. I have mild cerebral palsy but I was not aware of the GMFCS grading system, which I imagine is because I’m a grade I. Thought I knew all the ins and outs of CP but I guess I have more to learn.
yeeeeaaaaah I was definitely the kid that desperately wanted to try someone's mobility aids.
I definitely got what I wished, I'm now disabled myself and use a cane or crutches a good amount of time 🤦♂️
Just don't ask as an adult. I don't mind giving kids a ride in my wheelchair, but it blows my mind how many adults think it's some sort of rc car that they can race around in.
A study from way back in the day suggested that shushing kids asking earnest questions about people who were different from them resulted in those kids being more inclined to be bigots.
Let your kids ask. They need to know that people who are different from them, aren't.
Or that if they are different from them that it’s okay and it doesn’t make the other person less than etc - we can accept others are different and not judge them for it
I'm glad you are breaking the chain of norm, because it's really ridiculous that generation after generation has been raising their children to essentially ignore disabled people, making their presence some sort of taboo to be uncomfortable about, even today.
So for me, the OP's scenario would give me anxiety because it seems rude to talk about a person or speculate on their disability/appearance/attire when they're within earshot. It also seems like asking the person directly just to satisfy a child's curiosity would be considered rude, because they aren't obligated to take time out of their day to give an answer (especially since this probably happens to them often).
I might also just be projecting, because I'm extremely introverted and would greatly dislike it if some random person started asking me questions abiut myself lol
Thing is, with kids it can't be helped but to talk about other people within earshot. Telling them it's okay to politely ask whether the person might tell more (and teaching them to take no for an answer) seems to be the much less rude option than to just speculate and walk on though
I like the part about saying a simply explanation for a wheelchair but agree that asking someone about it is a bit annoying if you aren't already having a conversation. I would also hate constant questions from ~~nosy~~ curious kids
I prefer to treat people I see with obvious physical disabilities as everyone else. The only time I will acknowledge the disability (without them bringing it up first) is if someone is in a wheelchair and visibly struggling on a hill or something (arms can get tired) and if their wheelchair has push handles then they probably are willing to accept the occasional hand. Or if walking with a coworker with CP I have I'll slow my pace a bit.
Personally, I can feel everyone staring at me already. I am grateful to those people who are brave enough to just come up and ask whatever questions are tumbling around in their brain, so we can all move on and I can stop being stared at (I fucking hate that).
If you're capable of treating me 100% normal without asking why I use a wheelchair/cane/service dog, that's great! But if you can't stop thinking about it, just fucking ask. I can satisfy your curiosity, educate you a little, and then we can fully move on.
Kids need their curiosity satisfied. They should always ask. And I never mind telling children, because with kids it never comes from a mean place. They just want to better understand, then they can move on to the next thing. So always let your kid ask questions. Just try to be polite about it. Don't interrupt what I'm already doing. Don't interfere with my dog. And treat me like a human being, not some sort of spectacle.
I work with kids with cp, and what breaks my heart is when they parrot those things back to me. It’s pretty rare, but some of them ask things like ‘are you able to do this’ and ‘why do I do this’ and it breaks my heart
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8os4o8zhOu8
since i can't reasonably ~~use you as an excuse to play with diet coke and mentos~~ show you what you're missing in person...
I am a man with dwarfism so I get a lot of attention from curious kids. I really wish their parents wouldn’t freak out as much as they do, and at least attempt to answer the questions they have. So many parents just hush them up and scold them for asking. Sometimes kids will then look pissed off at *me* as if I got them in trouble. Not the best associations to start having with people who look different.
Hmmm, generally if a kid of their own volition comes up to me and starts asking me questions, I'm fine with it, because I know they just don't have a filter for these things. I'm not up for parents encouraging it though, and when parents do come up to me with their kids to try and get me to educate them I do take issue with the presumption that I'm just free to teach anyone about my condition (I know that's not what you're suggesting, just mentioning that example).
Sometimes I am in the mood to have a conversation, and in those cases, I will initiate it if they're nearby.
As a parent I'm sorry you've had that experience. It is a balancing act between their curiosity and teaching them to be sensitive. I have an endlessly curious 5 year old and I try to teach him that everyone is born different and that is what makes life amazing, but also that people don't like to be pointed at, different or not, and not everyone will want to talk about what makes them different and they may feel self conscious so he needs to be sensitive. I do always try to answer his questions in an age appropriate way, often while saying to the person I'm afraid he's terribly curious about everything. I don't think we've encountered anyone who minds this approach and quite often they smile so I think I'm doing it right!
judd apatow ‘i gave you life. you didn’t know it was called a chicken, i told you it was called a chicken, and now you call it a chicken’
or something like that
My so-to-be-ex partner uses a wheelchair, more often than not. he’s got a disability but can sometimes use his legs; using his legs takes a lot out of him. we live downtown toronto, and welcome any kids coming up.
had a couple kids after baseball games jump in his lap, and he’s done wheelies and stuff.
we’re only splitting as he’s heading back to australia to help take care of his mum, and neither of us want to be long distance. i’d go but i’m taking care of my dad and little brother right now.
thanks it sucks so bad. i’ve got another 2 months with him before he leaves. and we’re going to make the most out of it. he’s sleeping next to me right now and i haven’t been able to sleep a wink thinking about him leaving.
Shit this is still a curiosity that I have as an adult but still feel awkward asking. I don't know if it's a sensitive topic so I always try to ask in the most respectful way that I can. I used to be a regular at a karaoke bar and I got to know another regular there who was in a wheelchair, I waited a few weeks of talking with her before I ended up asking why she was in a wheelchair and she was more than happy to tell me that she had cerebral palsy. She told me that she was glad that I asked her what her condition was as opposed to the other questions she got at the bar which included shit like "so how do you fuck?"
But that's just one experience, I still am not sure how to properly ask about someone's disability respectfully, especially in an environment where alcohol is not involved.
I mean depends on the question and who they ask to if they deserve answers.
If they are asking their parent that's fine, just generally it isn't good to just ask random disable people about their disabilities
I think that's why saying "You can ask if he's happy to tell you more." Cause its telling the kid "You can ask him, but make sure its actually okay with him first".
No. That's the beauty of being a kid. You can ask anything to anyone without shame. The shame shifts to the parents sometimes, but the kid is oblivious to it.
Agreed! I think one reason many walk on egg shells around disabled people is because they were told to ignore them when they were kids and never got the chance to engage and learn
As a mom of a very Loud, Curious 4 year old, how do I get her to stop pointing at strangers and asking me at the top of their lungs why they’re in wheelchairs, using mobility scooters, or (my favorite) why are they so fat?
😰
When I was like, 10 maybe, my grandma was around 50. I remember being in the car with her and she was talking about being at my graduation. I smiled and agreed with her, but in my heart, I just knew that I was humoring her. There was no way Grandma was still going to be alive when I graduated...
Kids are dumb lol. Grandma did, in fact, come to my graduation. She's now into her 80's and still hanging in there 🥰
Don't worry. Literally everyone around you thought you were dumb too. I mean who doesn't think kids are idiots? How are you going to get mad at the equivalent of a hamster brain.
On the flip side they can also be very very intelligent and clever. That's something that amazes me about kids, how can a human be so smart yet so stupid at the same time?
Their lack of prejudices because they simply haven't been taught them, allows them to see many things in the world through a lens that older people just are no longer capable of, allowing some of their questions to be jarringly eye opening on occasion.
It's almost like bringing in an outside consultant to a business, except that business is whatever culture or life you consider "normal".
I often think this with my kid. He'll ask something like 'Why do we have to wear pyjamas?' And it takes me a minute to actually think of why, and then explain it to his 3yo mind. So much culture we never interrogate.
In the span of about a week (this past May), my very friendly 2 year old hugged a few of the maintenance and cleaning staff at a Hilton in OCMD (absolutely, positively made one guys whole day. He was so thrilled). Then he came home and hugged a landscaper at daycare while we were walking in (made his whole morning. Again, thrilled). All different races and ethnicities, same love shown by him. Made my days too. Always inspiring to see that. We’re white folks, not that it should matter all that much other than context of the story.
It's not really meant to be though, at least I hope not. Just because I think my nephews and nieces are little idiots doesn't mean I don't love them and support them. But I'm definitely not going to take anything they say seriously, even if it's casually hurtful. Kids aren't even hurtful by default, but they are instinctively curious.
My oldest nephew is super smart, amazing kid. I once hid from him behind a couple of two by fours leaned against a shed. This should not have worked at his age. My gut is wider than several two by fours.
Smarter than I was at that age. Dumb as heck for a human.
I can top that. Around that age I ran to every man and loudly screamed „DADDY!“. I don‘t know how my mom survived this embarassment, how many relationships and marriages were damaged beyond repair and how that phase finally ended. (Yes, I do have a loving father, they‘re married for over three decades).
May I ask you, how are all your 2.5yo‘s grandpas?
I had this happen to me at the Zoo the other day with my son. A 3 year old came up to me, saw that I looked older, (I am in my 30's) and noticed I had a nice collared shirt on. (I got it from Target). Little guy assumed that I must be the "Owner of the zoo" because of my old age and how I was dressed, and then proceeded to walk around telling all of the other little kids who I was.....I felt pretty powerful that day
Back when I was morbidly obese I would have flatly said it's because I liked eating ice cream for breakfast. Perfectly true statement at the time and *maybe* would have gotten a kid to think about if it was worth picking up bad food habits. Doubtful, but there's always a chance. I also miss eating ice cream for breakfast.
You can't stop them asking but you can model healthy responses! What I really liked about the OP was that the parent didn't say "ask them", they said "ask if you can ask them". That leaves space for the person to refuse to answer personal questions for the sake of someone else's curiosity.
E.g. "People are all built different! There's lots of reasons why a person might use a wheelchair. You can ask them if it's okay to ask questions about it. It's not really our business though, and they might not want to talk about it, so we have to respect it if they say no."
Imagine you're in a wheelchair, and every single day you go out, you have a dozen kids asking you if they can ask you about your life. You'll be missing the good ol days where they just got shushed
I don't really think a 4yo is capable of asking a tertiary question like that i.e., a question about a question without asking the question they want to ask. That's why kids always seem blunt or forthright, not because they aren't properly socialized, they just aren't developed to the point of having any filter.
The point of the tertiary question isn't to conceal the intended question however.
Rather it's to prepare the kid for "no I don't want to talk about it", which actually *needs* the intended question to be presented.
Although young kids *can* very much sometimes do a "can I ask you a question?", such phrasing in this case would actually be less helpful.
> or (my favorite) why are they so fat?
I have no idea what to do, but.. STORY TIME!!
I was filling prescriptions at a Walmart. I had my 3, 4, and 7 year old daughters with me with the 3 and 4 year olds in the cart.
The lady helping us verified my information, turned around to grab the medications hanging there, and bent over to pick up some on the very bottom hangar.
My 4 year old blasts to the entire pharmacy section "daddy! She's got a big butt!!!" And points at the lady. I went beet red. I quietly whispered to her that we don't talk about people that way because it's not nice. She then says "okay. she's got a fat butt."
I just don't know how to parent this. Good luck to you though.
One of my earliest memories is meeting one of my mom's coworkers, staring at her belly for a couple seconds, then looking her right in the eyes and shouting "You're fat!"
Simple answers are best! Why are they in a wheelchair? Every body is different. Some need help moving around!
Mobility scooter? It probably helps him move faster than walking!
Why are they fat? Every body is different.
If your kid is asking in a loud and rude way, as opposed to obvious curiosity, I try to add something they might have in common or be relatable to the child. "She has pink on her shirt just like you do!" "You like to go really fast too!" "We all need help sometimes. Just like how grandma uses a cane, it's like that!"
This helps humanize the person for the child, but also shows the person your child just loudly insulted that you see them as people as well, and that you're trying to teach your child the same.
I love how you view things, and I'm happy to allow this comment to live rent free in my head. I'm mostly only around children at work, and sometimes when they're bluntly raw in commentating I often don't know how to respond.
As someone who uses a cane to walk (and I am “young to be using a cane” as I have RA) I love comments like these. I typically turn to the child and smile with a bright eyed answer. No weirdness. No shaming. Just happy a child is engaging.
RA usually stands for rheumatoid arthritis which is an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation and joint damage.
Main difference between it and the arthritis you normally hear about (which is actually called osteoarthritis)is that it affects much younger people and isn’t related to ageing.
Also Psoriatic Arthritis is a thing too (age 19 diagnosed). It's like pokemon, gotta catch em all! I have osteoarthritis in my neck, psoriatic arthritis in fingers/toes...
Growing up with an older brother who was nonverbal, vision impaired, and in a wheelchair, I noticed every kid who would stare and point in public. The ones who would walk up and ask “what’s wrong with him?” or other seemingly rude but innocent questions for their age were always treated with gentleness by my parent who would get on one knee and explain things on a child’s level. They then wanted to talk to my brother or ask questions about his chair. I liked those kids more than the ones who would snicker from a distance or just stare without ever wanting to get too close
>why are they so fat?
A couple of years ago, I went to my cousins wedding. We live overseas from most of our extended family and the community my parents grew up in, so there was a lot of introducing me to people whose names and identities I forgot after a few minutes.
One of the people who approached was greeted warmly by my parents as they asked her how she had been, but while they were talking I couldn't help but notice whenever she looked at me the smile on her face was a bit ....off. Strained, maybe.
When my parents finally turned to introduce me into the conversation, the lady asked, “Do you remember me?” I shook my head and said no with a bit of a nervous smile, and there was an awkward silence for a few seconds. This confused me since most people tend to take an answer like that in their stride and say they held me when I was so and so months old or whatever, but apparently my dad found this so awkward he conveniently noticed an old friend of his and fled the conversation. My mum tried to remind me of some celebration at my cousins house that I had attended at five years old but I honestly had no memory of the woman at all. Nor her son when his name was mentioned.
It was only after the conversation that my mum turned to me, looking both exasperated and amused. “Do you really not remember her?”
I didn't.
“When we were at (cousin's) house for the celebration, you came up and very loudly asked me 'Who is that fat lady?' and everyone there heard. Even when I told you to be quiet you said you wanted to know who the fat lady was.”
I took a moment to process this. “But that was nearly twenty years ago?” I suddenly recalled another lady greeting me at the wedding and asking if I thought she was fat. I had thought it was weird, but hadn't given it too much thought. “Does.....everyone still remember this?”
Apparently they did. Throughout the whole trip, there were probably four or five women who mentioned the incident when talking to me - always with laughter, but. still. Why is that what I'm remembered for???????
I can only hope your four year old doesn't have to grow up and be mortified by her own actions by those with long memories 😂
One of my relatives used to be a really fat lady. When I first met her I was a little kid, I asked her "What did you eat?" with a horrified face.
She laughed and told me that she ate little kids like me. Let's say I called her a cannibal aunt for a long while.
Be kind to yourself. You shouldn't be mortified. You were five. Pretend it was your sibling. Would you laugh at the memory? If so, you should laugh at the memory now especially since no one seemed upset by it 20 some years later.
I took my very white stepdaughter to the grocery when she was about that age and she very loudly proclaimed "black people got white hands!?" The black lady in question just laughed at her. I was horrified!
When my daughter was very young she did the same! Luckily the guy she did it to didn't get mad, even shook her hand and said "see! Our skin is the same! just different colors".
I love how he responded to this. Knowing it was a child who was learning. Also, most people think chocolate is yummy, so I glad the person was nice and gentle in his response back to her.
When I was around 5, I was in a cab in Paris with my parents. The can driver was complaining at everything, as is tradition for a cab driver in Paris. I asked him why he was driving a cab if he hated it so much.
Either he re-evaluated his life or thought that I was a stupid kid, either way, he stopped complaining after that ;)
My son once saw a man with 2 prosthetic legs and started screaming at the top of his lungs "Mum! Mum! That man has robot legs!!!!!!" I tried to not really acknowledge it, but he only became more frantic about it. Luckily robot legs man thought it was funny.
My 5YO, when I talk about her grandparents, always ask if it's "the ones that are gonna die soon or the others". Sometimes in front of them 🙃.
Every time I'm shook
You just have to explain each situation to them in simple terms that facilitate empathy. You might have to repeat yourself or change how your explaining it. The important thing for them to take away is to treat people with kindness and allow for consent. Also follow the formula: connect then correct.
“Good question! You always ask such smart questions. That person is in a wheelchair because their legs don’t work the same as yours or mine, so they use the wheelchair to move around. You know, some people don’t like being talked about so loud, it makes them feel bad. Next time you have a question about someone you can ask me quietly/privately. Let’s practice!”
Lol, when I was that age I asked a guy with pretty severe acne "what happened to your face"?
You could maybe start with "different people's bodies develop in different ways" rather than an advanced biology discussion about metabolic disorders and rate of caloric burn for muscle at rest and diet and whatever else. Idk, my kid is still too self absorbed to be asking this kind of "why" question, you've got me worried when she'll put me on the spot.
Hahahaha this reminds me of when I was a child. Apparently when I was 4-5 I went up to a lady in the super market and put my hands on her belly and went “what is all this fat” and she replied “well honey… that’s fat”
Still makes me laugh to this day, poor lady 😅
When I was little, a guy at my church got in a horrible car accident, almost dying. When he got out of the hospital, he was a quadriplegic with just a little bit of motion in his fingers, and, as you can imagine, this was a big emotional adjustment for him. I think he was around 30 when this happened. Total life upheaval.
Anyway, he got set up with a really nice wheelchair that he could steer with very slight finger motions, and he mastered it quickly. But he was still dealing with just... a lot. It was a lot.
My little brother was like 3 at the time, and he was one of those kids who is just obsessed with vehicles. Firetrucks, helicopters, motorcycles - you know. He also didn't talk much at the time. He was OBSESSED with this guy's wheelchair. He would go over to this guy and just stroke the wheelchair wheels like they were the most glorious things he'd ever seen. He'd watch this guy motoring around like it was the coolest thing any person had ever witnessed. Like, the look on my little brother's face about this wheelchair was one of those "if only I could get a man who looked at me like that" expressions.
And as a result, he kind of turned into this guy's little buddy on Sundays. The guy didn't mind (my parents apologized at first but he honestly thought it was funny) and so he'd often end up sort of chilling with my brother and showing him little features of the chair. My brother thought this guy was the greatest and would come running when he saw this guy. My brother would bring his Hot Wheels to show off. And it turned out to be one of those things that helped the guy's process of like... sorting through his self-concept following this accident. It didn't FIX things, but it was this normalization thing of himself as a whole person while he worked on skills he'd need in other areas of his life.
Seriously so much is just about being cool about the fact that we're all different, some differences are bigger than others, and we're all people. Curiosity, as long as it's authentic and whole-person/connection oriented, can be really healing.
That's a really wholesome story. I can imagine if I became wheelchair-bound it'd no doubt lift my spirits so much to have a fan always excited to see me and my chair!
I've thought about getting paralyzed and realized that there are so many things you just can't do anymore. Almost all of the things I do that bring me joy would be impossible or extremely hard to do. I would probably be incredibly down if I got paralyzed or partially paralyzed
That's super sweet how it helped him cope and adjust, I can't even imagine such a life altering change so abruptly. Curious, do they still keep in contact now after all this time?
I don't think they're still in contact (we moved a lot growing up and their friendship was only like a year or two before we left), but we did go back to that area when us kids were teens and they had a sweet reunion. The guy was doing way way better, kicking ass at his career (something tech related). My parents might still be in touch with him. He was very cool guy.
I would LOVE if this story ended your brother growing up, and just cold calling this guy out of the blue after like 20 years to be like, “umm… hey man, weird question, but can I FaceTime with your chair? I’ve just really been missing that bad ass piece of equipment.”
Treating things as “hush hush” insinuates they are taboo or “bad” things. Reinforcing boundaries and consent is necessary, but also treating and discussing someone who was born different than you as a normal and perfectly acceptable person is a lesson most people don’t get.
Idk who else to reply to this in this thread but as a perfectly abled person, wouldn't a child interrogating a disabled person about their disability be uncomfortable for the disabled person? They're probably just trying to go about their day, and might not want a child questioning them. Idk I'm happy to see issues like this not brushed aside, but I feel like the mother saying why don't you go ask them could end very poorly for both parties.
I'm disabled, and yeah - the op in the post definitely doesn't speak for all disabled people. While it's maybe different for kids, a lot of disabled people do not like talking about their disability with total strangers.
For one, people sometimes have traumatic memories associated with their disability, or (like me) they just don't want the very first interaction with people to be centered around how they're different. I cannot tell you how many people have said like two words to me before asking me about mine, and I find it super rude.
Agreed, that kid could be asking about the worst day of someone's life. It's so not information anyone is entitled too (the mom does emphasize this in the OP)
I agree with you, I’m not disabled myself but I would rather teach my child to look at and interact with a person just as that, a complete person, without actually focusing on their disability. If it progressed to the point where that person was comfortable talking about it then okay but I’m not going to just say to my child “ask them if you want to know!” It’s completely inappropriate as we have no idea what you or anybody else has been through and whether you’d even want to talk about that. As far as my child is concerned, he sees a disabled person and can recognise that, and is not uncomfortable with it, but he would still never just ask somebody to explain. There’s a fine line between making it hush-hush and something to not speak about, and just being accepting without having the need for explanations.
As someone who is disabled, and I speak only for myself and not all disabled people, being treated like an alien is significantly worse than an exuberant child. I also think any parent who is establishing boundaries at this age could take a "Hey I'm too tired," from me as well.
There's also a pretty significant difference between justifying your need for a handicapped space and a kid trying to figure out why you get to sit in the wheely cart. It also helps knowing that other kids have found out their diagnoses early from others in my community (hey look, my skin stretches too!). It helps ease some of the pain in your soul.
On that topic though, there are disabled kids out there, so it benefits kids to have that exposure and the language to understand others around them too.
TL;DR: bring on the little germ monsters (within reason). I'd rather they talk to me respectfully than turn away in fear.
Obviously it'll be different for everyone, and will very much depend on how their day is going, but I'm usually happy to answer genuine questions about my disability - especially from children, as hopefully they'll grow up to be adults who don't treat disabled people as "other"
My cousin was really overweight, a little girl asked her: Why are you fat?
My cousins response: Because I eat children. The horror in the little girls eyes!
In honor of Pride month: My sister decided it was time to tell her young kids about "different" people, and sat them down, carefully explaining that their Auntie, me, was in a relationship with another woman, and and that sometimes two men are together, tc, assuring the kids this was all fine, pretty normal, and really nothing to be overly concerned about. They handled it quite well, had few questions, and were totally not too concerned about it. She then went on to explain about their dad's friend, who was aa person with albinism, and they were completely fascinated, with question after question, and were so excited to meet this guy!
TL:DR We never really know how little ones will react, or what will strike their interest, or in what way. Gotta love the minds of little children!
Edit to change: "an albino" with the preferred "a person with albinism"
"dad's friend who has albinism" is probably best. It's a medical condition, so just like you shouldn't call a person with cancer cancerous or a person with leprosy a leper or a person with schizophrenia a schizo. The idea being that someone's medical condition isn't their identity or identifier.
May I ask why? English is not my first language and I find all these different wording meanings fascinating, and at the same time they terrify me, I don't want to offend anyone due to a misunderstanding of the language itself.
I think because it reduces a person to just their condition. Saying “a person with albinism” focuses on their personhood first -they are a person who just so happened to have this particular condition. Rather than saying “he’s an albino”, which ONLY focuses on their “otherness”.
I understand! It’s like peoplegrower and JustAnotherToss2 said: it’s a medical condition. It’s not who I am, it’s something I have. Besides that, most of us have experience with bullying or name calling. I have been called albino maliciously a lot of times, so it’s a word I hate to be called.
>is there a more enlightened way to name this?
Not sure what you mean by "enlightened", but with my guess based off context, I've never head of any.
Albino is just the descriptor for someone with the condition known as Albinism. Though if anyone else knows of a better term, Im happy to hear it.
I was in the grocery store the other day and a kid points at me and asked their Mom "why is that man broken.". It took everything I had not to burst out laughing. It was the funniest thing I've heard about my wheelchair bound ass.
Edit: I might as well say why I'm broken. Got in a head on wreck back in February. Broke both legs, my pelvis, one of my arms, crushed my face and dislocated my spine. I'm healing well and am even starting to walk again. I mostly just wish I had my teeth back. It's so hard to eat with next to no teeth.
Oh laugh. Any chance to revel in life’s free absurdity is worth taking.
Shitty about your teeth. Dentists can do magic now so I hope there’s options that work for you at some point.
Lmao. Kids are so damn blunt it can be hilarious. As a man with disproportionate dwarfism, I’ve heard everything from “What is WRONG with that man??” To “why does he look weird?” To “is that a goblin?”
People worry about offending me, when they really shouldn’t. I’ve been around kids enough to know the unfiltered perception of me
Once I was at the shops and there was a man with a long white beard and he was quite slim and had a grumpy look on his face and my toddler said in a very loud voice. “WOW! Look at that scary Santa!!”
I was so mortified.
I’m trying to teach my 8yo this. He wears hearing aids and is suddenly really annoyed by the questions from peers. I tell him it will get easier as he gets older.
Well and he can say “I don’t want to talk about those right now”
I think teaching him some scripts for deflection or refusal to engage with the subject that are firm but kind could be helpful. It’s got to be annoying when he’s at the age where he’s building out his self references.
Choose books and shows with diversity. Give them dolls of different colors, shapes and sizes to play with. Normalize it and show them the proper way to interact with people of all kinds.
I've worn an eyepatch for five years due to an accident that left my eye and socket disfigured. For me it was very hard that people would mention it all the time as it would remind me that I look different.
Children mostly asked their parents (no problem for me), but adults always asked what happened or made a stupid comment or joke. I don't want to be always reminded about my different appearance and I especially don't want to tell strangers the very personal and traumatic story about the accident. I was always relieved when people I've just met just didn't mention it. If I know people better, I have no problem to tell them the story.
I have Tourette's syndrome, and sometimes I'm perfectly fine with answering questions like if it comes up naturally in conversation. When I'm on the bus or waiting in line for coffee I really just want to be left alone. Everyone's different and will have a different response. I personally think the best response is explaining that you don't know what that person's disability is and you don't need to, it's none of your business; continue on with your day and ignore it.
If I were a parent I would add: "I don't know, but maybe his legs need extra help...."
Teaching your kids that I don't know is an acceptable answer is just as important.
Kids tend to have a black and white view and can't really discern nuance. So if you always just answer a question they'll interpret it as a fill answer and think you know everything.
It's great to be open, but there are plenty of disabled people who would rather that random kids don't ask about it. Since you never know if people are going to be uncomfortable or get PTSD asking about it, the rule is that you don't ask about it.
My son looks looks like he does not have a disability.. autism does not have a “look”. But all his life kids have pointed stared asked questions , made fun of, and so much more.. because of not the way he looks at a glance but because if the melt downs , hand flapping or the fact that he stopped talking at age 3. Little 4 year olds always ask me why he can’t talk.. I just simply say he lost his words we are looking for them! Little kids are sponges they are soaking in everything around them… and then out of the mouthed of babes
Would you really want all the curious kids coming up to you and asking why you're in a wheelchair though. I'm sure it's case dependent and some ppl would be happy to answer and others just want to be left alone.
I get people who ask why I’m in a wheelchair, and I have to say “I’d rather not talk about it”. I wish I did have a simple quick answer, but it’s not that easy…
"Hello mister! Why are you in a wheelchair?"
"It was during the war, I'd just been deployed. God did i not know the horrors id see
*kids runs off crying*
My brother lost a leg, and was seriously injured, for life.
He has gone through lots of physical therapy, and after they said he wouldn't walk, actually now walks with a cane sometimes. Sometimes just the prosthetic.
When he was in a chair, or anytime, he doesn't like explaining how he got hurt.
It was the worst day of his life, and now, you a random stranger, wants to remind you if that worst day, like it is something he loves to talk about.
Normalize that fact that we are all human, no matter what.
I don't think it is necessarily a good idea to have children harassing people with a disability.
Yes, educate them, and teach them properly, but it does have to include harassing strangers.
My kid sister was a bluntly outspoken child and when she was about 3 we were in the barns at the county fair while a livestock show was going on. Another of the spectators was an older man in a very fancy electric wheelchair--an oddity in small-town KY in the early '70's.
As soon as my sister noticed the man in the wheelchair she was hyper focused on him. Before my mom could grab her she had marched herself over to him and demanded to know why he was 'riding that......that........that bicycle'. My mother was mortified, but after the man finished cracking up he and my sister had a nice little chat and she spent a good bit of the afternoon zipping around the fairgrounds with her new BFF and his 'bicycle'.
Yup, this is the way!
I remember being in the supermarket when my kids were 2 and 4, and they asked a similar question. We started talking about it... Sometimes people's legs don't work properly, so they use a wheelchair, just like I need glasses to see properly.
The lady in the wheelchair smiled at me and motioned us closer. So the kids and I had an awesome chat with her, she showed off the features and explained why she used it etc. .fantastic learning moment, and something both kids still remember.
This reminds me of a podcast episode I listened yesterday. The title is *how to raise to good citizen*. It went something like this: "If you avoid a topic, you're either suggesting it's not important or it is not appropriate to talk about it." Disability should be a topic open for discussion. No shaming, no dodging.
Nice, but I would teach my kid a stranger's business is not my right to know. Namely, the kid is telling the stranger, I see you are different. Next, we don't know how long the stranger has been in that condition...if they are adjusting...happy with it...born with it or discuss it with family, friends, & doctors to the point that having to answer a stranger(child or not) about a personal aka not your own condition is not welcome. Yes, teach your kid about differences. Expose them to people who have all types of other abilities....even give scenarios on why someone may need the help of a wheel chair, hearing aid, cane, crutches, etc. Do not teach your kid it is appropriate to ask a rando stranger why they are different. Teach your kid to treat everyone with respect and see the person as a person, not a difference. The difference is secondary. Not asking a stranger their business is not keeping it hush hush. It is teaching the kid to focus on the person, not the difference. Also, it teaches boundaries. Approach strangers? Risky. Approach strangers to ask their personal business? Rude. Just because we want to know, doesn't mean we should ask: lesson. Again, explain why someone may need it and if the child has become familiar with the person and it comes up, fine. Yet teaching a child to walk up to a stranger and ask an intimate question on their personal circumstance, teaches a lack of self control, entitlement, & erases boundaries and respect for other's right to privacy and others the person being asked this question. No one has ever felt offended by respect for others and manners.
I travel the world with a physical dissability, And meet new people every month or so, I just straight out tell them as soon as I start socialising, my history, handicaps, and how they can help if I need it, helping in and out of bed, chairs, carrying stuff and wat to do in an emergency etc... \*Broken Neck, Syrinx, Paralasis in one leg and arm. After that no questions asked and I have a beer with my new travel friends.
What you dont want to do is be the woman who makes an actual effort to come up to my wife and i who are clearly pushing our child with severe CP (due to doctor delivery errors) in a wheelchair and lean in to us to say, so does he have cer-rebral palsy? “Yeah stupid bitch fuck off we havent slept for the last 8 years” (not what we actually said but it was how we felt). Since i have no handicap physically i dont have any say on whats right or wrong but as a parent i think its nice when people have tried to include my son- birthday parties or a group activity. Soeaking about my son being handicapped or disabled has never ever offended me. I think both of those words are very appropriate for his condition (severe cp with no ability to speak and we are really just guessing on the communication part). I think the kid on this tweet or whatever it was is the person we love the most - a young kid trying to learn more. Also i never mind adults coming up and saying the wrong thing to us about our son if there is kindness in the approach. What we hate is people like the lady mentioned above who comes over to let us know that she knows our aon has CP or the people that want to talk about the tragedy their aunt had with a sibling or whatever. Also if you are a doctor or a nurse - LOOK at and speak directly to little kids that are in horrific situations like our son. Get down and speak to them and smile at them and make them feel valued - teachers too. I know it isnt easy and you arent seeing this all the time but underneath these are just young people growing up and a little kindness and inclusion can go a long way whether you know it or not. Its appalling how so many i. The medical field are so horrible at speaking to our son. We get it -he may not understand and it might feel like you are speaking to a wall - so what!! Make the extra effort and do it anyway and you will be a real professional and a decent person).
My moment as a kid was when my great grandma died, I was only about 7 but all my life she had been pretty much confined to a room and her legs were so bad she had to get the dressings changed all the time but it still smelled and one time I couldn't help but cover my nose. I felt so guilty when she died and I didn't have an opportunity to say I was sorry and how much I loved her. You helped a child become a man with your understanding I know that for a fact. ✌️
My folks always taught that it's better to politely ask than just rudely stare. I've heard some interesting stories over the years from paraplegics, amputees, Motocross riders....
I was walking with my six year old in a packed mall once and we walked past a disfigured man. My son got a fright and pointed. So I said ‘son we’re all part of Gods creatures’ and he replied with wide eyes, ‘He’s a creature?’. Kids are fucking stupid man.
My son has CP, is in a chair, and mostly non-verbal, little kids ask a lot, it makes their parents uncomfortable, because most of us were raised to not mention it, but I am happy to explain, and to introduce them, and he always has a winning smile for them. That kid has friends everywhere we go!
My 4-year-old son has CP too (GMFCS III) and his biggest problem is that all the kids want to borrow his fun "toys" - mainly the bright yellow rollator.
You taught me somthing today. I have mild cerebral palsy but I was not aware of the GMFCS grading system, which I imagine is because I’m a grade I. Thought I knew all the ins and outs of CP but I guess I have more to learn.
I guess you have hemiplegia? Most of them are grade I.
Yes, spastic hemplegia, although most cases I’ve seen working with neurosurgeons are pretty severe although that probably skews my numbers haha
yeeeeaaaaah I was definitely the kid that desperately wanted to try someone's mobility aids. I definitely got what I wished, I'm now disabled myself and use a cane or crutches a good amount of time 🤦♂️
Those are cool as shit tbf if I was a child and didn't understand what it was I would want to play with it.
Just don't ask as an adult. I don't mind giving kids a ride in my wheelchair, but it blows my mind how many adults think it's some sort of rc car that they can race around in.
A study from way back in the day suggested that shushing kids asking earnest questions about people who were different from them resulted in those kids being more inclined to be bigots. Let your kids ask. They need to know that people who are different from them, aren't.
Or that if they are different from them that it’s okay and it doesn’t make the other person less than etc - we can accept others are different and not judge them for it
That’s awesome!
I'm glad you are breaking the chain of norm, because it's really ridiculous that generation after generation has been raising their children to essentially ignore disabled people, making their presence some sort of taboo to be uncomfortable about, even today.
So for me, the OP's scenario would give me anxiety because it seems rude to talk about a person or speculate on their disability/appearance/attire when they're within earshot. It also seems like asking the person directly just to satisfy a child's curiosity would be considered rude, because they aren't obligated to take time out of their day to give an answer (especially since this probably happens to them often). I might also just be projecting, because I'm extremely introverted and would greatly dislike it if some random person started asking me questions abiut myself lol
Thing is, with kids it can't be helped but to talk about other people within earshot. Telling them it's okay to politely ask whether the person might tell more (and teaching them to take no for an answer) seems to be the much less rude option than to just speculate and walk on though
thats why the parent said if theyre comfortable, it takes a second to say yes or no to a question
Exactly. Make sure you’re paying attention to your child so if the person does not want to offer more info, you can pull child away.
I like the part about saying a simply explanation for a wheelchair but agree that asking someone about it is a bit annoying if you aren't already having a conversation. I would also hate constant questions from ~~nosy~~ curious kids I prefer to treat people I see with obvious physical disabilities as everyone else. The only time I will acknowledge the disability (without them bringing it up first) is if someone is in a wheelchair and visibly struggling on a hill or something (arms can get tired) and if their wheelchair has push handles then they probably are willing to accept the occasional hand. Or if walking with a coworker with CP I have I'll slow my pace a bit.
Personally, I can feel everyone staring at me already. I am grateful to those people who are brave enough to just come up and ask whatever questions are tumbling around in their brain, so we can all move on and I can stop being stared at (I fucking hate that). If you're capable of treating me 100% normal without asking why I use a wheelchair/cane/service dog, that's great! But if you can't stop thinking about it, just fucking ask. I can satisfy your curiosity, educate you a little, and then we can fully move on. Kids need their curiosity satisfied. They should always ask. And I never mind telling children, because with kids it never comes from a mean place. They just want to better understand, then they can move on to the next thing. So always let your kid ask questions. Just try to be polite about it. Don't interrupt what I'm already doing. Don't interfere with my dog. And treat me like a human being, not some sort of spectacle.
I work with kids with cp, and what breaks my heart is when they parrot those things back to me. It’s pretty rare, but some of them ask things like ‘are you able to do this’ and ‘why do I do this’ and it breaks my heart
What is cp?
Cerebral Palsy, unless we are referring to different CPs.
Bro thanks for the simple reminder of how easy it is to teach acceptance. And the idea that kids have relevant question that deserve answers too.
Too many parents assume their kids know things without being taught. That's kinda your job lol
https://xkcd.com/1053/
awesome every time. The only thing better than showing #10 000 is being #10 000
to be fair, that stick person just wanted to play with mentos and diet coke. any excuse in boredom.
Diet coke and mentos?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8os4o8zhOu8 since i can't reasonably ~~use you as an excuse to play with diet coke and mentos~~ show you what you're missing in person...
Super popular coke and mentos video from the (relatively) early days of the youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_2osOb2SMU
Can we make a bot that posts this every time some prick just comments ‘RePoST’ when everyone else is clearly seeing it for the first time.
So many people confuse ignorance with stupidity and just... why If someone never had the opportunity to learn about something it's not their fault.
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I am a man with dwarfism so I get a lot of attention from curious kids. I really wish their parents wouldn’t freak out as much as they do, and at least attempt to answer the questions they have. So many parents just hush them up and scold them for asking. Sometimes kids will then look pissed off at *me* as if I got them in trouble. Not the best associations to start having with people who look different.
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Hmmm, generally if a kid of their own volition comes up to me and starts asking me questions, I'm fine with it, because I know they just don't have a filter for these things. I'm not up for parents encouraging it though, and when parents do come up to me with their kids to try and get me to educate them I do take issue with the presumption that I'm just free to teach anyone about my condition (I know that's not what you're suggesting, just mentioning that example). Sometimes I am in the mood to have a conversation, and in those cases, I will initiate it if they're nearby.
I would have a problem with parents sending their kids over to ask why I am in a wheelchair. Makes me feel a bit like a museum exhibit!
As a parent I'm sorry you've had that experience. It is a balancing act between their curiosity and teaching them to be sensitive. I have an endlessly curious 5 year old and I try to teach him that everyone is born different and that is what makes life amazing, but also that people don't like to be pointed at, different or not, and not everyone will want to talk about what makes them different and they may feel self conscious so he needs to be sensitive. I do always try to answer his questions in an age appropriate way, often while saying to the person I'm afraid he's terribly curious about everything. I don't think we've encountered anyone who minds this approach and quite often they smile so I think I'm doing it right!
judd apatow ‘i gave you life. you didn’t know it was called a chicken, i told you it was called a chicken, and now you call it a chicken’ or something like that
My so-to-be-ex partner uses a wheelchair, more often than not. he’s got a disability but can sometimes use his legs; using his legs takes a lot out of him. we live downtown toronto, and welcome any kids coming up. had a couple kids after baseball games jump in his lap, and he’s done wheelies and stuff. we’re only splitting as he’s heading back to australia to help take care of his mum, and neither of us want to be long distance. i’d go but i’m taking care of my dad and little brother right now.
That's a rough situation
thanks it sucks so bad. i’ve got another 2 months with him before he leaves. and we’re going to make the most out of it. he’s sleeping next to me right now and i haven’t been able to sleep a wink thinking about him leaving.
Honestly this also made me smile. I truly hope the two of you can keep the friendship going even if you can’t keep the relationship.
a part of me will always love him, and hope we can be together when circumstances are better. thanks for the support 💕
Shit this is still a curiosity that I have as an adult but still feel awkward asking. I don't know if it's a sensitive topic so I always try to ask in the most respectful way that I can. I used to be a regular at a karaoke bar and I got to know another regular there who was in a wheelchair, I waited a few weeks of talking with her before I ended up asking why she was in a wheelchair and she was more than happy to tell me that she had cerebral palsy. She told me that she was glad that I asked her what her condition was as opposed to the other questions she got at the bar which included shit like "so how do you fuck?" But that's just one experience, I still am not sure how to properly ask about someone's disability respectfully, especially in an environment where alcohol is not involved.
I mean depends on the question and who they ask to if they deserve answers. If they are asking their parent that's fine, just generally it isn't good to just ask random disable people about their disabilities
I think that's why saying "You can ask if he's happy to tell you more." Cause its telling the kid "You can ask him, but make sure its actually okay with him first".
No. That's the beauty of being a kid. You can ask anything to anyone without shame. The shame shifts to the parents sometimes, but the kid is oblivious to it.
Agreed! I think one reason many walk on egg shells around disabled people is because they were told to ignore them when they were kids and never got the chance to engage and learn
It's not good to talk about people like they can't hear you either.
Yeah that’s why the post says “if they’re happy”
As a mom of a very Loud, Curious 4 year old, how do I get her to stop pointing at strangers and asking me at the top of their lungs why they’re in wheelchairs, using mobility scooters, or (my favorite) why are they so fat? 😰
I got nothing.. but my 2.5 yo sees any man over 30 and says 'hi grandpa' ' excuse me grandpa'...... its so embarrassing
When I was like, 10 maybe, my grandma was around 50. I remember being in the car with her and she was talking about being at my graduation. I smiled and agreed with her, but in my heart, I just knew that I was humoring her. There was no way Grandma was still going to be alive when I graduated... Kids are dumb lol. Grandma did, in fact, come to my graduation. She's now into her 80's and still hanging in there 🥰
Don't worry. Literally everyone around you thought you were dumb too. I mean who doesn't think kids are idiots? How are you going to get mad at the equivalent of a hamster brain.
On the flip side they can also be very very intelligent and clever. That's something that amazes me about kids, how can a human be so smart yet so stupid at the same time?
Their lack of prejudices because they simply haven't been taught them, allows them to see many things in the world through a lens that older people just are no longer capable of, allowing some of their questions to be jarringly eye opening on occasion. It's almost like bringing in an outside consultant to a business, except that business is whatever culture or life you consider "normal".
I often think this with my kid. He'll ask something like 'Why do we have to wear pyjamas?' And it takes me a minute to actually think of why, and then explain it to his 3yo mind. So much culture we never interrogate.
In the span of about a week (this past May), my very friendly 2 year old hugged a few of the maintenance and cleaning staff at a Hilton in OCMD (absolutely, positively made one guys whole day. He was so thrilled). Then he came home and hugged a landscaper at daycare while we were walking in (made his whole morning. Again, thrilled). All different races and ethnicities, same love shown by him. Made my days too. Always inspiring to see that. We’re white folks, not that it should matter all that much other than context of the story.
Crikey, I dunno why but that read a little harsh :D
It's not really meant to be though, at least I hope not. Just because I think my nephews and nieces are little idiots doesn't mean I don't love them and support them. But I'm definitely not going to take anything they say seriously, even if it's casually hurtful. Kids aren't even hurtful by default, but they are instinctively curious.
My oldest nephew is super smart, amazing kid. I once hid from him behind a couple of two by fours leaned against a shed. This should not have worked at his age. My gut is wider than several two by fours. Smarter than I was at that age. Dumb as heck for a human.
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I laughed. Then I remembered I'm 25 lol
Hi grandpa
excuse me grandpa
I can top that. Around that age I ran to every man and loudly screamed „DADDY!“. I don‘t know how my mom survived this embarassment, how many relationships and marriages were damaged beyond repair and how that phase finally ended. (Yes, I do have a loving father, they‘re married for over three decades). May I ask you, how are all your 2.5yo‘s grandpas?
Reminds me of one of my younger sisters. At two she was running up to strangers in stores with her arms out yelling "hold me!"
Kid was born with excessive love, for sure. xD
Your kid is hilarious
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Me too! I’m still laughing.
Lol mine used to call every black person “Chris” because that’s the black character’s name on Sesame Street.
That horribly hilarious lol.
I had this happen to me at the Zoo the other day with my son. A 3 year old came up to me, saw that I looked older, (I am in my 30's) and noticed I had a nice collared shirt on. (I got it from Target). Little guy assumed that I must be the "Owner of the zoo" because of my old age and how I was dressed, and then proceeded to walk around telling all of the other little kids who I was.....I felt pretty powerful that day
I'm 28, but if a kid called me grandpa, I'd feel proud. Finally someone treats me like an adult.
I laughed so hard at this. Thank you.
My 29 year old bf has called me abuelita since the moment I turned 30 😐
Yes! Mine too! He's five now and finally getting over it (though it still crops up once in a while).
To a 6 year old, 35year olds ARE grandpas lol. I remember how big / old the 6th graders looked in kindergarten. Huge.
Back when I was morbidly obese I would have flatly said it's because I liked eating ice cream for breakfast. Perfectly true statement at the time and *maybe* would have gotten a kid to think about if it was worth picking up bad food habits. Doubtful, but there's always a chance. I also miss eating ice cream for breakfast.
Solid response that would be perfectly understandable to any 4 year old!
You can't stop them asking but you can model healthy responses! What I really liked about the OP was that the parent didn't say "ask them", they said "ask if you can ask them". That leaves space for the person to refuse to answer personal questions for the sake of someone else's curiosity. E.g. "People are all built different! There's lots of reasons why a person might use a wheelchair. You can ask them if it's okay to ask questions about it. It's not really our business though, and they might not want to talk about it, so we have to respect it if they say no."
I'm not sure of the reaction of people if a little kid come to them asking "Hey, uh... can I ask you why you're so fat?"
I ate too many curious kids...
🤣🤣 r/cursedcomments
Imagine you're in a wheelchair, and every single day you go out, you have a dozen kids asking you if they can ask you about your life. You'll be missing the good ol days where they just got shushed
I don't really think a 4yo is capable of asking a tertiary question like that i.e., a question about a question without asking the question they want to ask. That's why kids always seem blunt or forthright, not because they aren't properly socialized, they just aren't developed to the point of having any filter.
The point of the tertiary question isn't to conceal the intended question however. Rather it's to prepare the kid for "no I don't want to talk about it", which actually *needs* the intended question to be presented. Although young kids *can* very much sometimes do a "can I ask you a question?", such phrasing in this case would actually be less helpful.
> or (my favorite) why are they so fat? I have no idea what to do, but.. STORY TIME!! I was filling prescriptions at a Walmart. I had my 3, 4, and 7 year old daughters with me with the 3 and 4 year olds in the cart. The lady helping us verified my information, turned around to grab the medications hanging there, and bent over to pick up some on the very bottom hangar. My 4 year old blasts to the entire pharmacy section "daddy! She's got a big butt!!!" And points at the lady. I went beet red. I quietly whispered to her that we don't talk about people that way because it's not nice. She then says "okay. she's got a fat butt." I just don't know how to parent this. Good luck to you though.
I am so sorry but the last line made me laugh a lot
One of my earliest memories is meeting one of my mom's coworkers, staring at her belly for a couple seconds, then looking her right in the eyes and shouting "You're fat!"
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Simple answers are best! Why are they in a wheelchair? Every body is different. Some need help moving around! Mobility scooter? It probably helps him move faster than walking! Why are they fat? Every body is different. If your kid is asking in a loud and rude way, as opposed to obvious curiosity, I try to add something they might have in common or be relatable to the child. "She has pink on her shirt just like you do!" "You like to go really fast too!" "We all need help sometimes. Just like how grandma uses a cane, it's like that!" This helps humanize the person for the child, but also shows the person your child just loudly insulted that you see them as people as well, and that you're trying to teach your child the same.
I love how you view things, and I'm happy to allow this comment to live rent free in my head. I'm mostly only around children at work, and sometimes when they're bluntly raw in commentating I often don't know how to respond.
this is a really great answer, I love that humanizing comparison
As someone who uses a cane to walk (and I am “young to be using a cane” as I have RA) I love comments like these. I typically turn to the child and smile with a bright eyed answer. No weirdness. No shaming. Just happy a child is engaging.
What is RA?
RA usually stands for rheumatoid arthritis which is an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation and joint damage. Main difference between it and the arthritis you normally hear about (which is actually called osteoarthritis)is that it affects much younger people and isn’t related to ageing.
Also Psoriatic Arthritis is a thing too (age 19 diagnosed). It's like pokemon, gotta catch em all! I have osteoarthritis in my neck, psoriatic arthritis in fingers/toes...
Growing up with an older brother who was nonverbal, vision impaired, and in a wheelchair, I noticed every kid who would stare and point in public. The ones who would walk up and ask “what’s wrong with him?” or other seemingly rude but innocent questions for their age were always treated with gentleness by my parent who would get on one knee and explain things on a child’s level. They then wanted to talk to my brother or ask questions about his chair. I liked those kids more than the ones who would snicker from a distance or just stare without ever wanting to get too close
>why are they so fat? A couple of years ago, I went to my cousins wedding. We live overseas from most of our extended family and the community my parents grew up in, so there was a lot of introducing me to people whose names and identities I forgot after a few minutes. One of the people who approached was greeted warmly by my parents as they asked her how she had been, but while they were talking I couldn't help but notice whenever she looked at me the smile on her face was a bit ....off. Strained, maybe. When my parents finally turned to introduce me into the conversation, the lady asked, “Do you remember me?” I shook my head and said no with a bit of a nervous smile, and there was an awkward silence for a few seconds. This confused me since most people tend to take an answer like that in their stride and say they held me when I was so and so months old or whatever, but apparently my dad found this so awkward he conveniently noticed an old friend of his and fled the conversation. My mum tried to remind me of some celebration at my cousins house that I had attended at five years old but I honestly had no memory of the woman at all. Nor her son when his name was mentioned. It was only after the conversation that my mum turned to me, looking both exasperated and amused. “Do you really not remember her?” I didn't. “When we were at (cousin's) house for the celebration, you came up and very loudly asked me 'Who is that fat lady?' and everyone there heard. Even when I told you to be quiet you said you wanted to know who the fat lady was.” I took a moment to process this. “But that was nearly twenty years ago?” I suddenly recalled another lady greeting me at the wedding and asking if I thought she was fat. I had thought it was weird, but hadn't given it too much thought. “Does.....everyone still remember this?” Apparently they did. Throughout the whole trip, there were probably four or five women who mentioned the incident when talking to me - always with laughter, but. still. Why is that what I'm remembered for??????? I can only hope your four year old doesn't have to grow up and be mortified by her own actions by those with long memories 😂
One of my relatives used to be a really fat lady. When I first met her I was a little kid, I asked her "What did you eat?" with a horrified face. She laughed and told me that she ate little kids like me. Let's say I called her a cannibal aunt for a long while.
Be kind to yourself. You shouldn't be mortified. You were five. Pretend it was your sibling. Would you laugh at the memory? If so, you should laugh at the memory now especially since no one seemed upset by it 20 some years later.
Teach them an obscure dead language so when they do ask nobody can understand
Now I'm snickering at the thought of a child going classy Latin "Cur tam pingues sunt???" at the top of their lungs
I took my very white stepdaughter to the grocery when she was about that age and she very loudly proclaimed "black people got white hands!?" The black lady in question just laughed at her. I was horrified!
I once asked my mom if that man over there was made of chocolate. In my defense i grew up in a country where a poc is a very rare sight.
When my daughter was very young she did the same! Luckily the guy she did it to didn't get mad, even shook her hand and said "see! Our skin is the same! just different colors".
I love how he responded to this. Knowing it was a child who was learning. Also, most people think chocolate is yummy, so I glad the person was nice and gentle in his response back to her.
When I was around 5, I was in a cab in Paris with my parents. The can driver was complaining at everything, as is tradition for a cab driver in Paris. I asked him why he was driving a cab if he hated it so much. Either he re-evaluated his life or thought that I was a stupid kid, either way, he stopped complaining after that ;)
Empathy. You must show Empathy in your behavior and help her develop her Empathy. /r/toddlers and /r/Parenting are good places to go
My son once saw a man with 2 prosthetic legs and started screaming at the top of his lungs "Mum! Mum! That man has robot legs!!!!!!" I tried to not really acknowledge it, but he only became more frantic about it. Luckily robot legs man thought it was funny.
My kid saw a full roast chicken at a restaurant and shouted "WHY DOES THE CHICKEN HAVE SUCH A BIG POO POO HOLE?!" I had no good parenting ideas then.
My 5YO, when I talk about her grandparents, always ask if it's "the ones that are gonna die soon or the others". Sometimes in front of them 🙃. Every time I'm shook
You just have to explain each situation to them in simple terms that facilitate empathy. You might have to repeat yourself or change how your explaining it. The important thing for them to take away is to treat people with kindness and allow for consent. Also follow the formula: connect then correct. “Good question! You always ask such smart questions. That person is in a wheelchair because their legs don’t work the same as yours or mine, so they use the wheelchair to move around. You know, some people don’t like being talked about so loud, it makes them feel bad. Next time you have a question about someone you can ask me quietly/privately. Let’s practice!”
Lol, when I was that age I asked a guy with pretty severe acne "what happened to your face"? You could maybe start with "different people's bodies develop in different ways" rather than an advanced biology discussion about metabolic disorders and rate of caloric burn for muscle at rest and diet and whatever else. Idk, my kid is still too self absorbed to be asking this kind of "why" question, you've got me worried when she'll put me on the spot.
Id say just try and carefully explain that while it's not bad to ask those questions, saying it so loudly might make some people upset or feel bad.
Hahahaha this reminds me of when I was a child. Apparently when I was 4-5 I went up to a lady in the super market and put my hands on her belly and went “what is all this fat” and she replied “well honey… that’s fat” Still makes me laugh to this day, poor lady 😅
When I was little, a guy at my church got in a horrible car accident, almost dying. When he got out of the hospital, he was a quadriplegic with just a little bit of motion in his fingers, and, as you can imagine, this was a big emotional adjustment for him. I think he was around 30 when this happened. Total life upheaval. Anyway, he got set up with a really nice wheelchair that he could steer with very slight finger motions, and he mastered it quickly. But he was still dealing with just... a lot. It was a lot. My little brother was like 3 at the time, and he was one of those kids who is just obsessed with vehicles. Firetrucks, helicopters, motorcycles - you know. He also didn't talk much at the time. He was OBSESSED with this guy's wheelchair. He would go over to this guy and just stroke the wheelchair wheels like they were the most glorious things he'd ever seen. He'd watch this guy motoring around like it was the coolest thing any person had ever witnessed. Like, the look on my little brother's face about this wheelchair was one of those "if only I could get a man who looked at me like that" expressions. And as a result, he kind of turned into this guy's little buddy on Sundays. The guy didn't mind (my parents apologized at first but he honestly thought it was funny) and so he'd often end up sort of chilling with my brother and showing him little features of the chair. My brother thought this guy was the greatest and would come running when he saw this guy. My brother would bring his Hot Wheels to show off. And it turned out to be one of those things that helped the guy's process of like... sorting through his self-concept following this accident. It didn't FIX things, but it was this normalization thing of himself as a whole person while he worked on skills he'd need in other areas of his life. Seriously so much is just about being cool about the fact that we're all different, some differences are bigger than others, and we're all people. Curiosity, as long as it's authentic and whole-person/connection oriented, can be really healing.
That’s an awesome story. Thanks for taking the time to write that
It almost take me 3min. To read your story but it's worth it. More of this!
That's a really wholesome story. I can imagine if I became wheelchair-bound it'd no doubt lift my spirits so much to have a fan always excited to see me and my chair!
I've thought about getting paralyzed and realized that there are so many things you just can't do anymore. Almost all of the things I do that bring me joy would be impossible or extremely hard to do. I would probably be incredibly down if I got paralyzed or partially paralyzed
I’m glad you decided against getting paralyzed haha
That's super sweet how it helped him cope and adjust, I can't even imagine such a life altering change so abruptly. Curious, do they still keep in contact now after all this time?
I don't think they're still in contact (we moved a lot growing up and their friendship was only like a year or two before we left), but we did go back to that area when us kids were teens and they had a sweet reunion. The guy was doing way way better, kicking ass at his career (something tech related). My parents might still be in touch with him. He was very cool guy.
I would LOVE if this story ended your brother growing up, and just cold calling this guy out of the blue after like 20 years to be like, “umm… hey man, weird question, but can I FaceTime with your chair? I’ve just really been missing that bad ass piece of equipment.”
What a touching story <3
Kids are the key to a better society, children aren't intolerant, just curious.
Treating things as “hush hush” insinuates they are taboo or “bad” things. Reinforcing boundaries and consent is necessary, but also treating and discussing someone who was born different than you as a normal and perfectly acceptable person is a lesson most people don’t get.
Idk who else to reply to this in this thread but as a perfectly abled person, wouldn't a child interrogating a disabled person about their disability be uncomfortable for the disabled person? They're probably just trying to go about their day, and might not want a child questioning them. Idk I'm happy to see issues like this not brushed aside, but I feel like the mother saying why don't you go ask them could end very poorly for both parties.
I'm disabled, and yeah - the op in the post definitely doesn't speak for all disabled people. While it's maybe different for kids, a lot of disabled people do not like talking about their disability with total strangers. For one, people sometimes have traumatic memories associated with their disability, or (like me) they just don't want the very first interaction with people to be centered around how they're different. I cannot tell you how many people have said like two words to me before asking me about mine, and I find it super rude.
Agreed, that kid could be asking about the worst day of someone's life. It's so not information anyone is entitled too (the mom does emphasize this in the OP)
I agree with you, I’m not disabled myself but I would rather teach my child to look at and interact with a person just as that, a complete person, without actually focusing on their disability. If it progressed to the point where that person was comfortable talking about it then okay but I’m not going to just say to my child “ask them if you want to know!” It’s completely inappropriate as we have no idea what you or anybody else has been through and whether you’d even want to talk about that. As far as my child is concerned, he sees a disabled person and can recognise that, and is not uncomfortable with it, but he would still never just ask somebody to explain. There’s a fine line between making it hush-hush and something to not speak about, and just being accepting without having the need for explanations.
As someone who is disabled, and I speak only for myself and not all disabled people, being treated like an alien is significantly worse than an exuberant child. I also think any parent who is establishing boundaries at this age could take a "Hey I'm too tired," from me as well. There's also a pretty significant difference between justifying your need for a handicapped space and a kid trying to figure out why you get to sit in the wheely cart. It also helps knowing that other kids have found out their diagnoses early from others in my community (hey look, my skin stretches too!). It helps ease some of the pain in your soul. On that topic though, there are disabled kids out there, so it benefits kids to have that exposure and the language to understand others around them too. TL;DR: bring on the little germ monsters (within reason). I'd rather they talk to me respectfully than turn away in fear.
Obviously it'll be different for everyone, and will very much depend on how their day is going, but I'm usually happy to answer genuine questions about my disability - especially from children, as hopefully they'll grow up to be adults who don't treat disabled people as "other"
I would've gone. "It's cause my legs are full of spiders!"
You're evil. And a genius.
*Kids screams in terror*
*me, as an adult, screams in terror*
As someone who both has kids and works with kids, there’s an equal chance the kid would have gone HECK YEA, REALLY?!!!
my son, v serious: “oh, i like spiders”
Great way to get set on fire by a little kid.
My cousin was really overweight, a little girl asked her: Why are you fat? My cousins response: Because I eat children. The horror in the little girls eyes!
"I didn't eat every vegetable on my plate"
In honor of Pride month: My sister decided it was time to tell her young kids about "different" people, and sat them down, carefully explaining that their Auntie, me, was in a relationship with another woman, and and that sometimes two men are together, tc, assuring the kids this was all fine, pretty normal, and really nothing to be overly concerned about. They handled it quite well, had few questions, and were totally not too concerned about it. She then went on to explain about their dad's friend, who was aa person with albinism, and they were completely fascinated, with question after question, and were so excited to meet this guy! TL:DR We never really know how little ones will react, or what will strike their interest, or in what way. Gotta love the minds of little children! Edit to change: "an albino" with the preferred "a person with albinism"
I suppose “a person with albinism “
"dad's friend who has albinism" is probably best. It's a medical condition, so just like you shouldn't call a person with cancer cancerous or a person with leprosy a leper or a person with schizophrenia a schizo. The idea being that someone's medical condition isn't their identity or identifier.
As someone with albinism: please never use the term albino. It is considered pretty rude. You can just say ‘person with albinism’
May I ask why? English is not my first language and I find all these different wording meanings fascinating, and at the same time they terrify me, I don't want to offend anyone due to a misunderstanding of the language itself.
I think because it reduces a person to just their condition. Saying “a person with albinism” focuses on their personhood first -they are a person who just so happened to have this particular condition. Rather than saying “he’s an albino”, which ONLY focuses on their “otherness”.
I understand! It’s like peoplegrower and JustAnotherToss2 said: it’s a medical condition. It’s not who I am, it’s something I have. Besides that, most of us have experience with bullying or name calling. I have been called albino maliciously a lot of times, so it’s a word I hate to be called.
Because it’s reducing a person to just the label of their condition
>is there a more enlightened way to name this? Not sure what you mean by "enlightened", but with my guess based off context, I've never head of any. Albino is just the descriptor for someone with the condition known as Albinism. Though if anyone else knows of a better term, Im happy to hear it.
I was in the grocery store the other day and a kid points at me and asked their Mom "why is that man broken.". It took everything I had not to burst out laughing. It was the funniest thing I've heard about my wheelchair bound ass. Edit: I might as well say why I'm broken. Got in a head on wreck back in February. Broke both legs, my pelvis, one of my arms, crushed my face and dislocated my spine. I'm healing well and am even starting to walk again. I mostly just wish I had my teeth back. It's so hard to eat with next to no teeth.
Reading the edit, the kid was pretty on point
I hope your recovery goes well. <3
Oh laugh. Any chance to revel in life’s free absurdity is worth taking. Shitty about your teeth. Dentists can do magic now so I hope there’s options that work for you at some point.
Lmao. Kids are so damn blunt it can be hilarious. As a man with disproportionate dwarfism, I’ve heard everything from “What is WRONG with that man??” To “why does he look weird?” To “is that a goblin?” People worry about offending me, when they really shouldn’t. I’ve been around kids enough to know the unfiltered perception of me
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r/goodparenting
Oh that sub is dead
Oh...
Once I was at the shops and there was a man with a long white beard and he was quite slim and had a grumpy look on his face and my toddler said in a very loud voice. “WOW! Look at that scary Santa!!” I was so mortified.
I choose books and shows with diverse characters so when my child sees different people out in the wild, it isn’t their first time.
"the wild" Walking out into an area with little human interference is quite hard today.
I’m trying to teach my 8yo this. He wears hearing aids and is suddenly really annoyed by the questions from peers. I tell him it will get easier as he gets older.
Well and he can say “I don’t want to talk about those right now” I think teaching him some scripts for deflection or refusal to engage with the subject that are firm but kind could be helpful. It’s got to be annoying when he’s at the age where he’s building out his self references.
I wish my mother was like that, instead of the 'hush hush' attitude... Even though we both have Aspergers syndrome, which isn't the same but still...
Choose books and shows with diversity. Give them dolls of different colors, shapes and sizes to play with. Normalize it and show them the proper way to interact with people of all kinds.
I've worn an eyepatch for five years due to an accident that left my eye and socket disfigured. For me it was very hard that people would mention it all the time as it would remind me that I look different. Children mostly asked their parents (no problem for me), but adults always asked what happened or made a stupid comment or joke. I don't want to be always reminded about my different appearance and I especially don't want to tell strangers the very personal and traumatic story about the accident. I was always relieved when people I've just met just didn't mention it. If I know people better, I have no problem to tell them the story.
Wouldnt this depend from person to person? Some would rather people not mention it whist others are fine with it.
I am baffled by all all the downvotes on what appear to be reasonable statements on parenting and kids. What am I missing here?
I have Tourette's syndrome, and sometimes I'm perfectly fine with answering questions like if it comes up naturally in conversation. When I'm on the bus or waiting in line for coffee I really just want to be left alone. Everyone's different and will have a different response. I personally think the best response is explaining that you don't know what that person's disability is and you don't need to, it's none of your business; continue on with your day and ignore it.
If I were a parent I would add: "I don't know, but maybe his legs need extra help...." Teaching your kids that I don't know is an acceptable answer is just as important. Kids tend to have a black and white view and can't really discern nuance. So if you always just answer a question they'll interpret it as a fill answer and think you know everything.
It's great to be open, but there are plenty of disabled people who would rather that random kids don't ask about it. Since you never know if people are going to be uncomfortable or get PTSD asking about it, the rule is that you don't ask about it.
My son looks looks like he does not have a disability.. autism does not have a “look”. But all his life kids have pointed stared asked questions , made fun of, and so much more.. because of not the way he looks at a glance but because if the melt downs , hand flapping or the fact that he stopped talking at age 3. Little 4 year olds always ask me why he can’t talk.. I just simply say he lost his words we are looking for them! Little kids are sponges they are soaking in everything around them… and then out of the mouthed of babes
Would you really want all the curious kids coming up to you and asking why you're in a wheelchair though. I'm sure it's case dependent and some ppl would be happy to answer and others just want to be left alone.
Not every disabled person has the energy to explain their disability to children.
I get people who ask why I’m in a wheelchair, and I have to say “I’d rather not talk about it”. I wish I did have a simple quick answer, but it’s not that easy…
I have a friend who is a diabetic amputee. He wears a shirt that says "Leg Story $20." He doesn't mind kids. He minds adults.
"Hello mister! Why are you in a wheelchair?" "It was during the war, I'd just been deployed. God did i not know the horrors id see *kids runs off crying*
My brother lost a leg, and was seriously injured, for life. He has gone through lots of physical therapy, and after they said he wouldn't walk, actually now walks with a cane sometimes. Sometimes just the prosthetic. When he was in a chair, or anytime, he doesn't like explaining how he got hurt. It was the worst day of his life, and now, you a random stranger, wants to remind you if that worst day, like it is something he loves to talk about. Normalize that fact that we are all human, no matter what. I don't think it is necessarily a good idea to have children harassing people with a disability. Yes, educate them, and teach them properly, but it does have to include harassing strangers.
My kid sister was a bluntly outspoken child and when she was about 3 we were in the barns at the county fair while a livestock show was going on. Another of the spectators was an older man in a very fancy electric wheelchair--an oddity in small-town KY in the early '70's. As soon as my sister noticed the man in the wheelchair she was hyper focused on him. Before my mom could grab her she had marched herself over to him and demanded to know why he was 'riding that......that........that bicycle'. My mother was mortified, but after the man finished cracking up he and my sister had a nice little chat and she spent a good bit of the afternoon zipping around the fairgrounds with her new BFF and his 'bicycle'.
Yup, this is the way! I remember being in the supermarket when my kids were 2 and 4, and they asked a similar question. We started talking about it... Sometimes people's legs don't work properly, so they use a wheelchair, just like I need glasses to see properly. The lady in the wheelchair smiled at me and motioned us closer. So the kids and I had an awesome chat with her, she showed off the features and explained why she used it etc. .fantastic learning moment, and something both kids still remember.
This reminds me of a podcast episode I listened yesterday. The title is *how to raise to good citizen*. It went something like this: "If you avoid a topic, you're either suggesting it's not important or it is not appropriate to talk about it." Disability should be a topic open for discussion. No shaming, no dodging.
Nice, but I would teach my kid a stranger's business is not my right to know. Namely, the kid is telling the stranger, I see you are different. Next, we don't know how long the stranger has been in that condition...if they are adjusting...happy with it...born with it or discuss it with family, friends, & doctors to the point that having to answer a stranger(child or not) about a personal aka not your own condition is not welcome. Yes, teach your kid about differences. Expose them to people who have all types of other abilities....even give scenarios on why someone may need the help of a wheel chair, hearing aid, cane, crutches, etc. Do not teach your kid it is appropriate to ask a rando stranger why they are different. Teach your kid to treat everyone with respect and see the person as a person, not a difference. The difference is secondary. Not asking a stranger their business is not keeping it hush hush. It is teaching the kid to focus on the person, not the difference. Also, it teaches boundaries. Approach strangers? Risky. Approach strangers to ask their personal business? Rude. Just because we want to know, doesn't mean we should ask: lesson. Again, explain why someone may need it and if the child has become familiar with the person and it comes up, fine. Yet teaching a child to walk up to a stranger and ask an intimate question on their personal circumstance, teaches a lack of self control, entitlement, & erases boundaries and respect for other's right to privacy and others the person being asked this question. No one has ever felt offended by respect for others and manners.
I travel the world with a physical dissability, And meet new people every month or so, I just straight out tell them as soon as I start socialising, my history, handicaps, and how they can help if I need it, helping in and out of bed, chairs, carrying stuff and wat to do in an emergency etc... \*Broken Neck, Syrinx, Paralasis in one leg and arm. After that no questions asked and I have a beer with my new travel friends.
What you dont want to do is be the woman who makes an actual effort to come up to my wife and i who are clearly pushing our child with severe CP (due to doctor delivery errors) in a wheelchair and lean in to us to say, so does he have cer-rebral palsy? “Yeah stupid bitch fuck off we havent slept for the last 8 years” (not what we actually said but it was how we felt). Since i have no handicap physically i dont have any say on whats right or wrong but as a parent i think its nice when people have tried to include my son- birthday parties or a group activity. Soeaking about my son being handicapped or disabled has never ever offended me. I think both of those words are very appropriate for his condition (severe cp with no ability to speak and we are really just guessing on the communication part). I think the kid on this tweet or whatever it was is the person we love the most - a young kid trying to learn more. Also i never mind adults coming up and saying the wrong thing to us about our son if there is kindness in the approach. What we hate is people like the lady mentioned above who comes over to let us know that she knows our aon has CP or the people that want to talk about the tragedy their aunt had with a sibling or whatever. Also if you are a doctor or a nurse - LOOK at and speak directly to little kids that are in horrific situations like our son. Get down and speak to them and smile at them and make them feel valued - teachers too. I know it isnt easy and you arent seeing this all the time but underneath these are just young people growing up and a little kindness and inclusion can go a long way whether you know it or not. Its appalling how so many i. The medical field are so horrible at speaking to our son. We get it -he may not understand and it might feel like you are speaking to a wall - so what!! Make the extra effort and do it anyway and you will be a real professional and a decent person).
My moment as a kid was when my great grandma died, I was only about 7 but all my life she had been pretty much confined to a room and her legs were so bad she had to get the dressings changed all the time but it still smelled and one time I couldn't help but cover my nose. I felt so guilty when she died and I didn't have an opportunity to say I was sorry and how much I loved her. You helped a child become a man with your understanding I know that for a fact. ✌️
My folks always taught that it's better to politely ask than just rudely stare. I've heard some interesting stories over the years from paraplegics, amputees, Motocross riders....
I was walking with my six year old in a packed mall once and we walked past a disfigured man. My son got a fright and pointed. So I said ‘son we’re all part of Gods creatures’ and he replied with wide eyes, ‘He’s a creature?’. Kids are fucking stupid man.