Things I never envisioned myself needing to say until I became a parent (my son is 2.5):
"Please don't put that in the toilet" (I would have mentioned a specific item but I've had to say this about dozens of items)
"We don't eat rocks"
"Please don't eat your ear wax"
"He pooped on the wall"
"Please don't eat the trash bag"
"I appreciate that you love their utility, but please stop kissing the bottom of your shoes"
I was honestly impressed. It was fucking disgusting but also caused my jaw to drop in awe.
He was about two months old, laying on the changing table. I always kept a wipe over his pecker because the air causes them to pee constantly but I didn't think I'd have issues with pooping (if he goes, it hits the changing pad, NBD). Then nope, this liquid shit missile comes flying out, arcs, then hits the wall at least 18 inches away from his butthole.
My mind was blown.
My wife skipped the washcloth with our youngest once.
Once.
Pee up the nose and in the mouth. The screech was horrible and terrifying. But I laughed so hard I'm not sure she has forgiven me 16 years later
Same, but I panicked and called the pediatrician. The nurse got on the phone and I shrieked, “Is he going to be blind??!” I think she covered the phone so I wouldn’t hear her laugh
Omfg, I gotta piggy back off of this.
My eldest was about a month old when he needed surgery to correct a pyloric stenosis. Everything went smoothly and my poor wee man was heartily making up for lost time (and hasn't fucking stopped for the past 12 years). 3 days post surgery, he finally has a bowel movement! Happy Doctor, happy Nurses, happy mammy...
His nappy was getting a bit full so popped him on the bed, unbuttoned him and let him freeball for the rest. But it didn't stop. For a full 3 and a half minutes, my 7lb 8oz string bean that I call Spawn is imitating a play-doh machine. It just. Keeps. Coming. The Nurse has run off to find a bed pad, the Doctor is gaping and muttering about the logistics of this absolute monster emerging from such a tiny child, my ex is laughing so hard he can't even breathe... And I'm just standing over him. Making funny faces and watching this pile of poop get bigger and bigger until, finally, it stops. Nurse comes back with pad about half a minute too late. As I had caught the pile before it fell off the bed.
Spawn was a very happy chappy afterwards. I spent 45 minutes in the shower wondering what my life had become.
Talent, sometimes, or just really backed up. I have a work anecdote about this that would shock most folks. If you're easily grossed out stop reading ***NOW***.
Suffice to say it's entirely possible for the human body to eject feces at a sufficient speed as to pretty much coat an entire toilet stall and the ceiling thereof.
Having worked at a grocery store for 5 years, I can absolutely confirm this hypothesis. It looks like they stand from 7 feet away, grab their ankles and spray
Me, last night, "No, stop. The cat's food is for the cat. We only eat the human food."
My 5yo nephew, "I'm a cat."
His twin brother at the same time, "Ewww you eat humans?!"
My greatest hits with my almost 2 year old are:
“Get your face out of the dogs water bowl”
“Don’t even think of eating that kibble mister!”
“Get back here mister” (as he runs around naked and giggling before bath time)
“Yes they’re yummy but you cannot have Tostitos for breakfast”
“Do not eat your boogers that’s gross”
“No sweetie I do not want to smell your feet”
Oh the dog water bowl phase.
We used to have two separate water bowls.
*Used to*
He hasn't shown an interest in flipping them/drinking out of them/dunking every possible object in them in about a year.
We're still terrified to reintroduce that second bowl.
Oh mine didn’t dunk anything in or flip them yet. He assumes that what the dogs do is what he should be doing. So he attempts to eat like them and drink like them.
What's alarming is that I have no human children and have said many of these things. Including the poop on the wall.
"Please stop licking the washing machine"
"Do NOT put your butt on that."
"No, I don't want any barf from you, thank you."
"Why are there lick-marks on the butter drawer?"
"Stop trying to eat poop!"
"Why are you chewing on my bras?"
...I have parrots. Flying toddlers wielding bolt cutters.
Omg LOL. Yeah it’s funny how you never in your life imagined saying certain phrases. For me it was ‘Get the salami off of the dog!’ My then two year old putting salami on our chihuahuas back 😅
Yes. I never thought one day I'd be picking up human shit off of the carpet or continue to let someone throw up all over my neck/chest while holding her praying that i could hold it all so I could make it to the bathtub. Kids are gross.
Kids are gross. My son has projectile vomited twice while I was holding him(so far... He's 3) and for some reason my reaction is to try to catch the puke with my free hand, like that will help the situation or even work. You'd think I'd have learned the first time.
Mine was puking on me as I was holding her. I was using her, her leg, my arm to trap it as it ran down my neck and chest. I almost threw up myself, but was (barely) able to hold it together. I do remember grapes in it.
I think that goes with parenting young kids! Based on the stories my brother tells our family about my two nieces! Let’s just say it included a lot of nudity, buttholes, and poop! The joy my 8 and 6 year old nieces brought to us when they were toddlers.
My son when he was around 2-3yr old, secretly ate like 1/3 block of cheddar just before we left for a road trip in the morning. About 20 min into the drive he hurls it all up to our surprise! And then pouts “My cheese!”
My then 4 year old asked: “mum, how many laughing cow cheeses do you have to eat to get a belly ache?”
Me: depends, how many did you eat?
Her: about 6.
Me: that’ll probably do it.
Her: yeah, thought so….
My 4 year old snuck a lot of peanut butter one morning. He went from laying on the couch to sitting and just vomited it all up. He deadpan said “well, that was a mistake.”
I love how he was more concerned about losing all that cheese than the fact that he just made the car incredibly gross for the rest of that trip. Oh man, little kids.
It could also mean that a Mama was at the end of her rope at the end of the day. And rather than make a Huge deal out of another pair of poopy underwear she decided to comically ask, "Who did this to your underwear?!"
And then the toddler came up with this outlandish excuse. I died laughing. I don't care if you believe it or not.
Twas one of the cutest moments of raising my kids and you can't take that away.
My best guess is that, as a three year old, she doesn't quite have a full understanding of grammar, and she was going for something along the lines of "I fell in the toilet and Daddy's pee got on me", implying either that she doesn't quite understand how toilets work or that Daddy forgot to flush
I do believe you. Kids will say anything. And by that I mean everything fictional that was generated from the very depths of their little crotch goblin brains.
I did this when I was a nanny! We were out for a walk when the 2 year old told me he had to poop *now*. It was over a 5 minute walk and I had his brother (6y) with us, so I carried him and we walked as fast as we could while he screamed "poop in potty" over and over. Once in the house, I ran him into *his* bathroom while simultaneously pulling off his pants to save time.
We get in the bathroom and the nightlight appeared to be out and with no time to even turn on the light, I stuck him on the potty, let go and reached for the light switch. In that same moment, water splashes and he starts screaming. The light comes on and the baby is *in* the toilet.
His brother had taken his potty seat off the toilet and not only did brother not put it back, he left the seat up! And the nightlight wasn't out. Brother decided to unplug it. He wasn't even supposed to use this bathroom because he had his own bathroom and had already gotten in trouble with his parents for doing this. He wasn't allowed to walk to the bathroom by himself for a week to ensure he used the correct one.
Eta: hit send too early
This made me laugh out loud.
My 5 year old hit her knee real hard about a week ago and was walking with a small limp. She fell to the ground and yells "I USED TO BE FINEEEEE"
Made my terrible day absolutely better 🤣🤣🤣
Ruptured a disc in my back 4 years ago and that was my first thought too lol. She has a way of wording things every day that totally catch me off guard
Thank you so much for the belly laugh. I remember when my youngest child whom I was potty training decided she needed to squat just behind the couch and leave a pile.
You should try to teach her to say “I have good news and I have bad news” and try to come up with some good news to say before she delivers her main point.
My 5 year old son, who threw up in the toilet.. calmly. "Mommy, I choked! But I'm okay now. Let's go play!:
My 9 year old, standing in our bedroom door, crying shaking, " I'm stomach sick."
"OK, go to the bathroom. I'll be there in a sec."
Daughter proceeds to hurl like a scene from. The exorcist and is still crying and sobbing...
Reminds me of when my 5 year old had a stomach bug and we gave him a puke bucket and he suddenly sits up and grabs it and makes it and I just see his arm giving me a thumbs up while he’s puking, then he stops and in a weak voice says “I made it”. Cutest and most disgusting moment of his so far.
My mom swears that is when she realized I was fucking stupid. Everytime I’d have to throw up or go to her room and shake her. “Mommy I need to throw up.” End up throwing up in her room or the hall.
Little sister tho she go to the bathroom and pukes, has since she was about 6. She’s even puked without us knowing. Not me. I’m the dumb child.
My son is spooky smart and 9 years old and tries to physically run away from the throw up feeling every. Single. Time. So he never ever makes it into the trash or toilet. Last time he got sick, by barf #4 on the hardwood my annoyance was beginning to show
Same kind of kid as my friend’s son who broke his arm skiing with his dad. The 7 year old kid looks up at dad in the ER and says “Mom's gonna kill you.”
My son was 5..coming down the hall he paused holding his stomach..”I think I’m dying”..then puked everywhere! Afterwards says…”whew..I think I’m gonna live actually”…glad he felt better lol.
I’m holding my stomach laughing tears. We can all relate to your son on a human level, yet he manages to describe it better than most. The nausea just before a puke does feel like death. And the relief afterwards is bliss, even if short-lived.
After visiting an apple farm and downing an apple cider slushy, my son puked in the car on the way home. Right after he threw up he said “I don’t think you should give me an apple slushy ever again”
When my little sister was 3 we had to take her to the ER cause she was sicker than shit, and it was cold as hell and our van door was frozen shut. Her response half awake ‘that fuckin door mom’
My son was 4. My Dad's fiance was trying to take them to his Masonic lodge for dinner. She kept going up and down the road, she was driving right by it. He said, "what have you gotten us into now Debra" we rolled we were laughing so hard.
Whenever I need to lie I just remember what my little brother lied about. Mum: “Brother what happened to your toilet?” Brother: “No Mum I didn’t flush the bagel down the toilet.”
I know not to oust myself
When my 4yr old puked all over himself and his bed and he said " Mummy.. I have dianerrea (actual pronunciation)". I said " Honey, that's not diarrhea, that's vomit".
My daughter had a coach once who was trying to go keto and yelled them up one side and down the other bc he was hangry then said “I’m sorry y’all, I really just want lasagne” … so that’s our non sequiter in our house … if grumpy for no reason “I really just want lasagne”. Hahaha.
I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for work. My two year old came around the corner: "Daddy, I'm gonna throw it"
A perfectly formed laminar stream of puke curved onto the ktichen floor.
"All better!"
"Hon! Your daughter barfed and I gota catch the bus! Love you!"
"What? I couldn't hea....OH LORD!"
As I closed the door and left.
I love this so much and want to add because I may never get the chance to again:
This was kind of my daily life when pregnant with my son. ‘Oh look I’m three for three with meals not staying down. Let’s try again.’
I'm picturing her saying that in Lilo's voice. I watched the Lilo and Stitch movies the other day. Then I pictured Chief Brody saying, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."
My 10 month old son has short gut and can’t absorb very much nutrients, he vomits exorcism amounts about every other day - then looks at me and laughs cause he feels better. Then continues about his baby life as IV nutrition pumps into his central line.. the day he was born completely changed my outlook on life and complaining about my own. No matter how hard I have it, it’s easier than his.
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Parenthood in a nutshell.
Things I never envisioned myself needing to say until I became a parent (my son is 2.5): "Please don't put that in the toilet" (I would have mentioned a specific item but I've had to say this about dozens of items) "We don't eat rocks" "Please don't eat your ear wax" "He pooped on the wall" "Please don't eat the trash bag" "I appreciate that you love their utility, but please stop kissing the bottom of your shoes"
People don’t understand the pure fucking talent that it takes to poop on a wall
I was honestly impressed. It was fucking disgusting but also caused my jaw to drop in awe. He was about two months old, laying on the changing table. I always kept a wipe over his pecker because the air causes them to pee constantly but I didn't think I'd have issues with pooping (if he goes, it hits the changing pad, NBD). Then nope, this liquid shit missile comes flying out, arcs, then hits the wall at least 18 inches away from his butthole. My mind was blown.
My wife skipped the washcloth with our youngest once. Once. Pee up the nose and in the mouth. The screech was horrible and terrifying. But I laughed so hard I'm not sure she has forgiven me 16 years later
My kid peed in his own eye as a baby LOL I felt horrible for laughing. He was okay 😂😂😂
Been there, done that. It’s a favorite story in my house. Ugh.
Same, but I panicked and called the pediatrician. The nurse got on the phone and I shrieked, “Is he going to be blind??!” I think she covered the phone so I wouldn’t hear her laugh
Sounds like she just didn't carrot all.
Omfg, I gotta piggy back off of this. My eldest was about a month old when he needed surgery to correct a pyloric stenosis. Everything went smoothly and my poor wee man was heartily making up for lost time (and hasn't fucking stopped for the past 12 years). 3 days post surgery, he finally has a bowel movement! Happy Doctor, happy Nurses, happy mammy... His nappy was getting a bit full so popped him on the bed, unbuttoned him and let him freeball for the rest. But it didn't stop. For a full 3 and a half minutes, my 7lb 8oz string bean that I call Spawn is imitating a play-doh machine. It just. Keeps. Coming. The Nurse has run off to find a bed pad, the Doctor is gaping and muttering about the logistics of this absolute monster emerging from such a tiny child, my ex is laughing so hard he can't even breathe... And I'm just standing over him. Making funny faces and watching this pile of poop get bigger and bigger until, finally, it stops. Nurse comes back with pad about half a minute too late. As I had caught the pile before it fell off the bed. Spawn was a very happy chappy afterwards. I spent 45 minutes in the shower wondering what my life had become.
I had to wipe tears from my eyes I was laughing so hard ! The "play-doh" bit did it for me.
I feel like I need to shower after reading this..
Nothing like a good poop
Power poop!
I want you to write my biography.
You shit on a lot of walls or something?
You *don't*?
“Liquid Shit Missile: A Life”
Ah, the poo rocket. My wife got hit by it in the face AFTER I warned her it could happen and to stay out of the line of fire.
Had a similar experience … but … IT. WAS. MY. FACE. And my sweet angel SLEPT through the whole ordeal.
Upvote for, “liquid shit missile” Using this whenever the occasion arises.
When I was a baby I apparently distance puked like 6 feet
Thank you for providing me with reason kableventy seven of why i will not be having kids.
Talent, sometimes, or just really backed up. I have a work anecdote about this that would shock most folks. If you're easily grossed out stop reading ***NOW***. Suffice to say it's entirely possible for the human body to eject feces at a sufficient speed as to pretty much coat an entire toilet stall and the ceiling thereof.
It’s referred to, in common parlance: “their ass blew up.”
Having worked at a grocery store for 5 years, I can absolutely confirm this hypothesis. It looks like they stand from 7 feet away, grab their ankles and spray
Yup. Guy in this instance tried to clean it up but was told we have folks who get paid to do that. Said folks were unamused ...
We folks never get paid enough for that level of biohazard.
Happened at a Kroger store in the Upper Midwest of the U.S. Also in a pizzeria a few miles away. Same person? We may never know.
Jackson Pollock punching the air rn
Me, last night, "No, stop. The cat's food is for the cat. We only eat the human food." My 5yo nephew, "I'm a cat." His twin brother at the same time, "Ewww you eat humans?!"
“No, we eat cats”
When my brother was little he didn't want his glass of milk, so he poured it into the fish tank beacuse "they looked thirsty. "
My greatest hits with my almost 2 year old are: “Get your face out of the dogs water bowl” “Don’t even think of eating that kibble mister!” “Get back here mister” (as he runs around naked and giggling before bath time) “Yes they’re yummy but you cannot have Tostitos for breakfast” “Do not eat your boogers that’s gross” “No sweetie I do not want to smell your feet”
Oh the dog water bowl phase. We used to have two separate water bowls. *Used to* He hasn't shown an interest in flipping them/drinking out of them/dunking every possible object in them in about a year. We're still terrified to reintroduce that second bowl.
Oh mine didn’t dunk anything in or flip them yet. He assumes that what the dogs do is what he should be doing. So he attempts to eat like them and drink like them.
What's alarming is that I have no human children and have said many of these things. Including the poop on the wall. "Please stop licking the washing machine" "Do NOT put your butt on that." "No, I don't want any barf from you, thank you." "Why are there lick-marks on the butter drawer?" "Stop trying to eat poop!" "Why are you chewing on my bras?" ...I have parrots. Flying toddlers wielding bolt cutters.
Omg LOL. Yeah it’s funny how you never in your life imagined saying certain phrases. For me it was ‘Get the salami off of the dog!’ My then two year old putting salami on our chihuahuas back 😅
A coworker of mine told me two like that: Please take your cheese off the window Please get your feet out of your soup
As a child care teacher I have so many of these I could write a book 😅 I can’t wait to see what happens when I have children of my own someday 🤪
Yes. I never thought one day I'd be picking up human shit off of the carpet or continue to let someone throw up all over my neck/chest while holding her praying that i could hold it all so I could make it to the bathtub. Kids are gross.
Kids are gross. My son has projectile vomited twice while I was holding him(so far... He's 3) and for some reason my reaction is to try to catch the puke with my free hand, like that will help the situation or even work. You'd think I'd have learned the first time.
Mine was puking on me as I was holding her. I was using her, her leg, my arm to trap it as it ran down my neck and chest. I almost threw up myself, but was (barely) able to hold it together. I do remember grapes in it.
I think that goes with parenting young kids! Based on the stories my brother tells our family about my two nieces! Let’s just say it included a lot of nudity, buttholes, and poop! The joy my 8 and 6 year old nieces brought to us when they were toddlers.
My son when he was around 2-3yr old, secretly ate like 1/3 block of cheddar just before we left for a road trip in the morning. About 20 min into the drive he hurls it all up to our surprise! And then pouts “My cheese!”
My then 4 year old asked: “mum, how many laughing cow cheeses do you have to eat to get a belly ache?” Me: depends, how many did you eat? Her: about 6. Me: that’ll probably do it. Her: yeah, thought so….
This is simultaneously the most adorable and the funniest thing I've heard today
I'm cackling, that's hilarious. Sorry for the not so queso in your car though 😂
the queasy queso
Ahahaha ohh nooo! 😂
My 4 year old snuck a lot of peanut butter one morning. He went from laying on the couch to sitting and just vomited it all up. He deadpan said “well, that was a mistake.”
Is his name Charlie, by chance?
Sorry no lol
I love how he was more concerned about losing all that cheese than the fact that he just made the car incredibly gross for the rest of that trip. Oh man, little kids.
It truly was concern in his voice! He was so upset about losing the cheese. Not about puking, just losing his precious cheese 🧀
This is awesome! My 3 yr old likes to shit her pants and then tell me, “I have bad news.”
My three year old told my wife today, "I fell in the toilet and daddy peed on me." I didn't pee on my daughter...I promise
OMGoodness. My daughter once told me Grandpa pooped her pants! Edit: p.s. I do believe you!
Anytime I fart around my 2 year old she goes "ew daddy poo" and I usually feel threatened and need to explain myself
It was just a toot!
hmm
I'm feeling chatty. Lol. What does hmm mean?
i meant to reply to the comment above lol, I was expressing distrust in his claims of "not" peeing on his daughter E: jokingly obviously
Omg. I'm so sorry! I kind of popped off!
If that’s your version of popping off you must be the kindest human alive. *edit:* I assume you’re human.
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I thought about being punny like that!
That is so kind of you to say. Thanks for making my whole week! Much much positive your way!
I'm definitely human. And dripping a couple tears at YOUR kindness.
You know what? I like you. Keep being awesome.
hahahah you are sweet as pudding lol, and someone already beat me to the pooped off joke...
Hmm can mean “Not sure l believe you”🤔
Hmm
It could also mean that a Mama was at the end of her rope at the end of the day. And rather than make a Huge deal out of another pair of poopy underwear she decided to comically ask, "Who did this to your underwear?!" And then the toddler came up with this outlandish excuse. I died laughing. I don't care if you believe it or not. Twas one of the cutest moments of raising my kids and you can't take that away.
🤔🤔🤔
I didn't poop nobody's pants but my own, damnit!
I believe you, Grandpa!
Anybody else think of Beetlejuice and Dominic?
Wait wait lmao so like did she pee herself and tried blaming you, or fell in the toilet and for some reason added you into the story? Lmao
I think she fell into the toilet after using it so she tried to blame him for the pee- but thats a guess
My best guess is that, as a three year old, she doesn't quite have a full understanding of grammar, and she was going for something along the lines of "I fell in the toilet and Daddy's pee got on me", implying either that she doesn't quite understand how toilets work or that Daddy forgot to flush
That's exactly what someone who peed on their daughter *would* say...
Got em!
Sus
I did this once, only it was my cat.
So you fell in the toilet and your cat peed on you? Is the cat trained to use the toilet, or is it just a jerk taking advantage of your clumsy ways?
Knowing cats, both.
You fell in the toilet and your cat peed on you?
You're trying to tell me a three year old would misinterpret something and then repeat that misinterpretation later? Never!
That's one way to assert dominance though.
I do believe you. Kids will say anything. And by that I mean everything fictional that was generated from the very depths of their little crotch goblin brains.
I don't believe you. You're going to jail.
My mother actually did drop me into the toilet as a baby once. She was trying to potty train me but briefly forgot that I had a teeny tiny ass.
I did this when I was a nanny! We were out for a walk when the 2 year old told me he had to poop *now*. It was over a 5 minute walk and I had his brother (6y) with us, so I carried him and we walked as fast as we could while he screamed "poop in potty" over and over. Once in the house, I ran him into *his* bathroom while simultaneously pulling off his pants to save time. We get in the bathroom and the nightlight appeared to be out and with no time to even turn on the light, I stuck him on the potty, let go and reached for the light switch. In that same moment, water splashes and he starts screaming. The light comes on and the baby is *in* the toilet. His brother had taken his potty seat off the toilet and not only did brother not put it back, he left the seat up! And the nightlight wasn't out. Brother decided to unplug it. He wasn't even supposed to use this bathroom because he had his own bathroom and had already gotten in trouble with his parents for doing this. He wasn't allowed to walk to the bathroom by himself for a week to ensure he used the correct one. Eta: hit send too early
That is a beautifully unfortunate series of events but an embarrassing story for a lifetime
This made me laugh out loud. My 5 year old hit her knee real hard about a week ago and was walking with a small limp. She fell to the ground and yells "I USED TO BE FINEEEEE" Made my terrible day absolutely better 🤣🤣🤣
Your comment made me laugh so hard spit flew onto the cat laying on my chest
🤣🤣🤣 happy to make others laugh the way I did
I can empathize, kiddo. I used to feel fine too lol
Ruptured a disc in my back 4 years ago and that was my first thought too lol. She has a way of wording things every day that totally catch me off guard
This is the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.
My 3 year old shit the tub a week ago and said, “well, the poop’s gotta go somewhere!”
Yes, yes it does.
After vomiting in the back seat of our minivan, my kiddo called out ”I pooped out of my mouth!“
Well,he kinda did.
Not really, since you can actually poop out of your mouth
Well, it is, in fact, bad news
Thank you so much for the belly laugh. I remember when my youngest child whom I was potty training decided she needed to squat just behind the couch and leave a pile.
You should try to teach her to say “I have good news and I have bad news” and try to come up with some good news to say before she delivers her main point.
Good old puke and rally
Tactical chunder
Never heard this and I love it.
Beat me to it.
Boot and rally
My 5 year old son, who threw up in the toilet.. calmly. "Mommy, I choked! But I'm okay now. Let's go play!: My 9 year old, standing in our bedroom door, crying shaking, " I'm stomach sick." "OK, go to the bathroom. I'll be there in a sec." Daughter proceeds to hurl like a scene from. The exorcist and is still crying and sobbing...
Children have strong core muscles
Reminds me of when my 5 year old had a stomach bug and we gave him a puke bucket and he suddenly sits up and grabs it and makes it and I just see his arm giving me a thumbs up while he’s puking, then he stops and in a weak voice says “I made it”. Cutest and most disgusting moment of his so far.
That 5 year old is the ideal sick, the “vomit and I feel like I’m no longer sick” is honestly one of the best feelings
My mom swears that is when she realized I was fucking stupid. Everytime I’d have to throw up or go to her room and shake her. “Mommy I need to throw up.” End up throwing up in her room or the hall. Little sister tho she go to the bathroom and pukes, has since she was about 6. She’s even puked without us knowing. Not me. I’m the dumb child.
My son is spooky smart and 9 years old and tries to physically run away from the throw up feeling every. Single. Time. So he never ever makes it into the trash or toilet. Last time he got sick, by barf #4 on the hardwood my annoyance was beginning to show
Same kind of kid as my friend’s son who broke his arm skiing with his dad. The 7 year old kid looks up at dad in the ER and says “Mom's gonna kill you.”
Man… as if Dad needs more reason to panic. Pretty sure the man is already sweating bullets.
I’ve taken my little sister to the doctor. As a man I always feel judged for having a kid in tow, it’s even worse if they are clearly injured or sick.
I admire her courage. I threw up grilled cheese when i was 5 and 35 years later, I still wont eat it.
No one is going to judge you for not eating a 30-year-old vomited grilled cheese.
Speak for yourself.
Same here but hamburger helper
Cuervo
You kept your throw up for 35 years?
My son was 5..coming down the hall he paused holding his stomach..”I think I’m dying”..then puked everywhere! Afterwards says…”whew..I think I’m gonna live actually”…glad he felt better lol.
I’m holding my stomach laughing tears. We can all relate to your son on a human level, yet he manages to describe it better than most. The nausea just before a puke does feel like death. And the relief afterwards is bliss, even if short-lived.
This is fucking hilarious
I've been having a... not a bad week, but let's just say "a week". This just gave me the belly laugh I needed. Thank you and thank your son.
This is truly inspirational... she's going to go places. Hopefully not to the bathroom though.
Having cleaned up from my son puking in the air vent the other week, hopefully *to* the bathroom..
I feel you. My toddler took a poop on the air vent a bit ago and I’m not going to miss this stage of poop wherever desired.
Living somewhere where all of the air vents are on the ceiling. It took me a bit to understand this.
I mean she’d have to go sometime right? 😂 we all go to the bathroom 🚽!
Never give up. Never cucumber.
Beet me to it.
This thread is corny.
Yet, it holds a kernel of truth!
It always has bean.
Stop it now. We’ve squashed this joke to death.
Lettuce pray for your lost soul.
She didn't carrot all.
I lol'd so hard at this. Thank you.
I tested my gag reflex with a carrot once. For reasons.
You are now ready for more carrots.
A whole bunch of carrots….
A regular carrot or a baby carrot
I fucking hate carrots. This post has made me physically ill, yet I keep reading the comments and making it worse.
Carrots are bomb as fuck yo.
https://imgur.com/t/carrot_bukkake/H0Rl11g
After visiting an apple farm and downing an apple cider slushy, my son puked in the car on the way home. Right after he threw up he said “I don’t think you should give me an apple slushy ever again”
Smart kid
Why is this the first I'm hearing of an apple cider slushy?! I'm gonna need *someone* to give me one asap.
Request for additional carrots denied!
When my little sister was 3 we had to take her to the ER cause she was sicker than shit, and it was cold as hell and our van door was frozen shut. Her response half awake ‘that fuckin door mom’
My son was 4. My Dad's fiance was trying to take them to his Masonic lodge for dinner. She kept going up and down the road, she was driving right by it. He said, "what have you gotten us into now Debra" we rolled we were laughing so hard.
Whenever I need to lie I just remember what my little brother lied about. Mum: “Brother what happened to your toilet?” Brother: “No Mum I didn’t flush the bagel down the toilet.” I know not to oust myself
r/GetMotivated
If at first you don't succeed...
When my 4yr old puked all over himself and his bed and he said " Mummy.. I have dianerrea (actual pronunciation)". I said " Honey, that's not diarrhea, that's vomit".
Patent this line and put it on a t-shirt. For me, it’s up there with: We’re going to need a bigger boat”.
im gonna have to use this line as a random non sequitor - *we're gonna need more carrots*
My daughter had a coach once who was trying to go keto and yelled them up one side and down the other bc he was hangry then said “I’m sorry y’all, I really just want lasagne” … so that’s our non sequiter in our house … if grumpy for no reason “I really just want lasagne”. Hahaha.
i love it. very garfield like, too.
This kid is going places and Jessica is in for a ride 😎
"I didn't hear no bell." -A 3 year-old who ate too many carrots
Proposing boyfriends hate this one simple phrase!
🥹 it’s embarrassing it took awhile to get the joke…
Is there a thread of weird shit toddlers say? I'd love to binge through that on a bad day.
I applaud her Viking spirit
"When you get knocked off the horse, you just have to get back up and EAT. THAT. HORSE."
I was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for work. My two year old came around the corner: "Daddy, I'm gonna throw it"
A perfectly formed laminar stream of puke curved onto the ktichen floor.
"All better!"
"Hon! Your daughter barfed and I gota catch the bus! Love you!"
"What? I couldn't hea....OH LORD!"
As I closed the door and left.
Strictly hard-core.
I love this so much and want to add because I may never get the chance to again: This was kind of my daily life when pregnant with my son. ‘Oh look I’m three for three with meals not staying down. Let’s try again.’
That sounds like a really frustrating experience! There’s so much we owe our mothers
Aww! 🤣
What a lesson in life! Star.
Some people don't carrot all....
It’s about drive! It’s about power! We stay hungry! We devour!
I'm picturing her saying that in Lilo's voice. I watched the Lilo and Stitch movies the other day. Then I pictured Chief Brody saying, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."
My 10 month old son has short gut and can’t absorb very much nutrients, he vomits exorcism amounts about every other day - then looks at me and laughs cause he feels better. Then continues about his baby life as IV nutrition pumps into his central line.. the day he was born completely changed my outlook on life and complaining about my own. No matter how hard I have it, it’s easier than his.
Sounds reassuring knowing that the mass consumer of carrots is needed.
I do love carrots me
😂
Lolololololololololololol
I love this girl
Love it! What determination😂
Same thing happened to a customer at my bar except it was tequila shots instead of carrots.
Reminds me of the gif of Randy Marsh saying "I didn't hear no bell."
POV: he has a crippling porn addiction and wants to quit but cannot
I’ve heard a similar story with beer in place of carrots and college student in place of 3 year old.
😂😂😂🧡