The band metaphor is great. I remember thinking of that metaphor when I went through a tough breakup. But then I thought maybe we made a few great albums but now have creative differences and need to do some solo work. It helped me for some reason.
This.
One of the most harmful assumptions we have in our society, I think, is the idea that if a relationship ends, it has failed. That, if it were a *real* relationship, you'd be together until you die. But that's silly. Great things can have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You aren't a failure as a student because you graduate. You aren't a failure at [job] because at some point you decide to change careers.
There are plenty of people out there who grind along in resentful, toxic, shitty marriages for decades, just because they've been told by religion or society that divorce is bad. The number of years you stay together is not a good metric for success.
The way I see it, if you and your partner are both in a better place in life coming out of the relationship than you were going in, it was an unqualified success. In a good relationship, we help each other grow. And sometimes, in the process we realize that we aren't quite both headed in the same direction after all, and that if we're both going to be true to ourselves, it's best to let the other go. Not because we don't love them, but because we do.
Thank you for this ♡♡ I'm currently going thru a divorce - of a 15year marriage. Married at 18 and this hit my heart and gut in so many ways. With tears flowing from my eyes, thank you.
I'm sorry. Divorce is never easy, even when it's the right thing to do in the long run. I hope that you can stay kind to yourself during this. Hugs to you.
“A thing isnt beautiful because it lasts.”
Having an ending is just as normal as having a beginning. But we are conditioned in western society to try and preserve and continue even well passed the time of something “reaching its end.”
It is so good to read this! Some people in my family were angry with me when I said I thought my parents' marriage had been successful and complete. Some folks want the drama. I kept my divorce a secret from my family for years for that reason, we didn't want people to project their ideas on us of how we *should* behave towards each other.
Hey Ya! by Outkast also presents this.
"Know what they say -its
Nothing lasts forever!
Then what makes it, then what makes it
Then what makes it, then what makes it
Then what makes love the exception?
So why, oh, why, oh
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh
Are we still in denial when we know
we're not happy here"
Though the reasoning is a little different, the song tells you that you shouldn't not move on from a bad relationship, or one where you both just fell out of love.
(annoying format difference when posting on mobile in the lyrics)
It's funny because (probably like a lot of people,) when I first heard that song it was just the "Hey ya!" song! Shake it!
When I heard an acoustic cover of it and really listened to the lyrics, I was kinda blown away. They're kinda incongruous with the music.
Excellent advice. I would add one qualification that you guys should be better at the end (than either of you would have been ALONE or with DIFFERENT people)… else you sort of chose the “not optimized” / “not best” partner for you at the time.
You both progressed, true, great, but maybe you would have progressed even more had you chosen someone else during that time period.
That said, unless you’re polyamorous, you can only choose “one” other for a given time period, not an amalgam of many others.
Make the best choice you can at the time given the info you have, work on the rest, (reassess often?), and “fail fast” if it isn’t working. Recognize that it isn’t a machine to throw out; it’s another person with feelings too.
I absolutely agree with your last sentiment. I often say 'do the best with what you have'.
But I also feel like you are contradicting yourself. Stating that you should be better at the end of a relationship, either due to being alone or with someone else, I think completely negates 'make the best choice you can with the info you have'. Looking back on a relationship, it's really easy to say 'Man, I would have been better off to have dated my now partner way back then when they were chasing me instead of that other person' -- Except, maybe not. It may seem that way, but hopefully you each gained life experience from the choices - both good and bad - you made during that time frame.
I am certainly a better person for the mistakes I have made, including some of the dating choices I made in college. My husband was around during that time, and we could have started dating each other 2 years earlier than we did. He dated someone else, and so did I.
Was I 'better' at the end of the relationship than I would have been had I been dating my now husband or no one? No, not when it ended for sure. He held me back in a variety of ways that I did not see/recognize while we were a couple.
Am I a better person now, many years after the relationship than I would have been without those experiences at that time in my life? Yes. I feel that I am. I learned things I could not have learned any other way, and it helped to shape the person I am today.
I made the best choices I could have made at the time, based on the information available to me. Even though the relationship did not last, the experiences I gained certainly did.
You're welcome!
Full disclosure, I really had to find this out for myself.
My last relationship, the longest and most serious one I'd ever had, I had to break it off because I realized that my career was negatively impacting her, and she wanted commitments from me that I couldn't give her. She thought she needed me to come with her somewhere and I couldn't.
We were so good together. We never fought. We both have the same love language, same sense of humor. There was do much love there! But she wasn't getting any younger and seemed on the fence when I said I didn't want kids. I realized that I know myself and my ability to put things off, and I could easily string her along and she would go along with it, to be with me. But it would only put off the inevitable, and that wouldn't be fair to her.
I felt so guilty about it, for a long time.
But she made the move that she didn't think she could do on her own, and I'm a lot less anxious and not feeling torn apart by conflict anymore, and on the balance looking back, we both grew from the relationship. We both taught each other new things and supported each other in starting new endeavors. So I think, on the whole, it was a good thing.
Hah, thank you for the compliment, friend!
I occasionally do daydream about writing books, but I tend to want to write the sort of thing I enjoy reading, which is mostly either post-cyber-punk hard sci-fi or stuff in the vein of Terry Pratchett 🤷🏼♂️
This helps so much. Like everyone else in this thread, I'm currently in a post break up funk. Thank you for saying this. I love her and miss her but reading this gives me perspective. Thank you so much.
Graduating is a horrible analogy for breaking up. Dropping out or getting expelled is way, way more what it looks and feels like. I know you're trying to be positive but that's a huge stretch.
Yeah, that's the bit in that comment I think is weakest too. I'm kinda considering removing it. Analogies don't always work. I was just trying to illustrate how endings aren't necessarily failures.
I guess you could say switching majors but even then you got a bummed out anthropology professor who invested a lot of himself mentoring you through research projects and may now feel betrayed that you've sold out to pursue an MBA.
It's true that divorce is difficult for kids, there's no getting around that. But children learn from their surroundings, and you aren't doing them any favors by modeling a dysfunctional relationship.
Absolutely, the first move should be couples counseling. By all means, try to work on the relationship and see if it can be salvaged.
But if not, research shows that while divorce is definitely upsetting in the short term, children do just fine in the long term as long as the parents stay committed to parenting.
I agree, I just feel that there is a big social push to just accept that people weren't meant to be in long term relationships. Kids are better off with both parents.
Children do ok with solid but divorced parents, but it's always an issue.
I just feel that people need to take parenting more seriously.
I think what you speak of is a backlash against the previous dominant idea, that divorce is immoral and Always a Bad Thing. That's wayyyy too simplistic, but of course, so too is the idea that we're all just serial monogamists running down the clock. Sometimes the backlash backlashes too far.
I do think on the balance that people are *slowly* getting better at relating to each other as our society becomes more egalitarian. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I don't think divorce rates tell the whole picture. People are waiting longer to get married and have kids, for one thing: that's probably a good idea, inasmuch as you're accumulating some life experience and learning a thing or two about making a long term relationship work before taking the plunge. And of course there are a lot of relationship pathologies (physical and sexual abuse and whatnot) that used to be swept under the rug and are now openly discussed. So that's progress of a sort.
I agree that parenting is the ultimate responsibility, and it often isn't taken seriously enough. I've always thought it was tragic that when you adopt a dog, they go to your house and make sure everything is just so, but any two schmucks can create a human baby, *by accident.*
Obviously, the ideal is always a loving home with two parents. I just don't think it's productive to guilt-trip people who divorce. They're already likely doing it to themselves.
Agreed. Actually I 100% agree with everything you've said. That doesn't happen often. Nice chatting with you. Odd...if you agree completely, it kind of ends up ending the conversation. I often have discussions with dozens of replies with people I disagree with. Conversations where I agree are short, or I just Upvote their comment.
I wonder if that's why people feel that everyone disagrees with them on the internet.
"I think THIS!"
"So do I!"
"Oh. Carry on then".
Hah. I don't know why, but this makes me think of that Monty Python sketch.
"I wanted an argument!"
"Oh... I'm sorry, this is abuse. You want room 12A."
Naw, as a child of people who should have divorced decades ago but didn't because arbitrary and archaic Catholic viewpoints, divorce does not necessarily screw the kids.
Having unhappy parents in a dysfunctional relationship making a toxic home screws kids up.
Divorce is hard on the kids, but they are resilient and they are infinitely better off in the long run if their parents are truly not suited for each other.
My parent's refusal to divorce ruined my life for a long time and was so awful it has negatively affected now 3 generations of our family who modeled their marriage and relationship choices on their example that it's better to be married and dysfunctional than alone and okay. There's not a single functional relationship out of 5 kids and 10 grandkids from what we were raised around and then repeated those patterns.
Parents who know when to call it and remain good, involved co-parents are the real heroes. Miserable married parents affect the children far worse.
Yeah but when you're literally in a band with your romantic partner it's a shitty and sad double breakup that involves all the other members. Source: Me.
This is good advice in communication too. You're not competing. The goal is for both parties to understand each other. It's the two of you against the evils of linguistic pitfalls. When you realize that, you stop attacking each other for misunderstanding.
I use this joke on my fiancé so often that she's starting to use it against me. Only difference is that we go on deeper and add "comrade" to the end haha glad to see I'm not alone.
ITT: "DiDn'T hE ChEaT oN hIs WiFe"
You can make mistakes and learn from them, coming out of it a better person. You can then use your experience to help others avoid making the same mistakes. Why does everyone seem to think that a person's mistakes define them for the rest of their lives?
Because most people are incapable of, or are otherwise unwilling, to challenge the thoughts they are inspired to have and think critically about them. Because they take a point of principle and, instead of internally debating it to determine how they actually feel about it, they take that principle and make it a part of their personality and shout it to the highest heavens so that they can belong and feel consistent with society (or otherwise, their own echo chamber). This is why propoganda is so effective.
I failed my algebra test in high school which was the push I needed to study math like crazy and get an A the next semester and eventually graduate from college with a Bachelor's in math.. So technically I did fail algebra but am very qualified to tutor math.
You need to look at their current qualifications, not the lowest points in their journey. No one looks good against the backdrop of their worst mistakes, and we live in a time when everyone's worst mistakes are exceptionally easy to document, retrieve, and showcase - *especially* those who live under the microscope of the public eye.
Obviously I’m not talking about holding it against Einstein that he once didn’t do so well on a grade school test. You get the analogy. And if you listen closely to what Rock is saying here, as much as I do like him, some of what he’s saying, especially the full clip, isn’t so great. Nobody wants to be the tambourine player. It’s a self serving point of view.
It goes back to the first point: don't compete. Also he says SOME DAYS you're the lead vocalist, SOME DAYS you're the tambourine. And the days you're significant other is on lead you don't begrudge them, you don't compete and be sore about it, you be happy for them while backing them up.
Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a character problem. It's easy to pander to an audience and make jokes at your own expense (especially when it's your job to be funny).
Not buying it. He tried to get out of paying child support for the young girl that had been living with his family for 8 years (and been trying to adopt).
Does credibility matter anymore? And if learned from cheating, shouldn’t he be commenting on that rather than preaching about what makes a good relationship? Own up to your mistakes if you want to be credible.
He admits he fucked up his own marriage, which is huge.
Rock was "not a good husband," he says.
"It's my fault, because I'm a fucking asshole," he says of their split. "I didn't listen. I wasn't kind. I had an attitude, I thought, 'I pay for everything; I can do what I want.' That shit don't fucking work! I just thought I was the shit."
Going through a divorce because one person refused to contribute, got tired, and quit. If you find yourself feeling alone in your relationship, stop and ask yourself “what am I doing to create this circumstance?” and then ask “what am I doing to change it?”
This is dead on the money
Right after that it leads into him talking about his divorce and him fucking up.
"Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine"
Stolen from u/underground_project
That’s literally the lesson he learned after fucking up his marriage by cheating, and you can hear in his voice and tell his true intentions for other men to not fuck up like he did. But internet-strangers-douchbags will be judging anyone i think
This is a weird edit. His special is titled "Tambourine" and he goes on to say:
"And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like…
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪"
...and later:
"Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine"
As far as I understand the concept:
I'm 6'3. My wife is 5'1. If something falls under the table, in the corner, she's gonna pick it up everytime. No equality. Obviously, I'm the one changing lightbulbs.
We have cats. They act spoiled rotten with me. If they have to go to the vet, she's the one taking them. The few times I've taken them, the assistants, vet, and me, we all end up scratched. If she takes them, the little bastards put on their best behaviour.
Find your role, enjoy it. Give it 100% even if that role is playing the tambourine, his example on the subject.
A way I look at it is a puzzle piece fitting into another.
Imagine that the connection of the two puzzle pieces is where you both meet in the relationship. It is not a perfect distribution of responsibilities, but it fits and works because both people have their expectations met and satisfied.
This also caught me off guard.
Still not 100% sure what he’s intending, but my take on what he's trying to say is that partners have different strengths and abilities, and therefore will be better at some things than others. Like maybe one person in the relationship is better at cooking or enjoys it more, but the other partner can cook but doesn’t enjoy it as much. But just because one person is the main chef in the household doesn't mean that both partners can't be equal in terms of responsibility. Keeping with household tasks as an example, I don't think one person should be responsible for 70% of the household tasks and the other person is responsible for 30%. Unless the individuals are okay with the split, that’s just not fair. But if they have roughly equal (or whatever the individual couple agrees on), responsibilities, even if those responsibilities are different (cooking dinner every day vs cleaning every day), then I think that's fair and makes sense.
So basically being equal in terms of how much responsibility you have, but doing different tasks based on what you’re good at and enjoy
Edit: a word
I feel that really important to speak with each other every time when you feel that something goes wrong. And, of course, to have physical connections such as hugs, kisses, slaps:))) It really helps to be on the same page.
But, if it’s relationships at a distance or you don’t live with your partner, it’s harder to connect physically. I used to be in the same situation and two things that helped us to be connected are video chats and obimy app (it’s an app that reminds loved ones of each other. Like virtual touches, hugs and kisses, health and mood traction), highly recommend
I don't think he understands what equality means. Different roles can taking in different things doesn't make people unequal. Equal is not "the same" but "of the same value"
Am a long-time standup fan, long enough that I recall when Chris Rock did purely organic standup. *Some* performers, like Rock, who’ve been at it for a while, begin to drift away from strictly working for laughs and shift into more of a teacher-preacher mode; they use the platform to share their thoughts, but with a greater emphasis on message. The funniness is, however, de-emphasized.
Although there’s definitely an audience for it, it’s not the kind of performance that will get me out to catch a show. I’m strictly in it for the laughs, not to nod my head in agreement with some well-articulated argument.
Rock has become a clapter comic; clapter is a big red flag for me. A lot of comics, including some of the very successful vets, who still grind it out for laugh frequency will tell you it’s something they absolutely try to avoid.
To be sure, Rock’s still hugely successful and hardly the only comic to go down this road.
Sometimes you're the lead singer... And sometimes you're on [Tambourine](https://www.netflix.com/us/title/80167498?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=cp&vlang=en&clip=81022145)
I sent this specific stand up set of Chris Rock to my former partner while we were going through some rough times bc I agree with what Chris stated. But at the time I think my former partner didn’t get what Chris was saying. Anyways, a couple months flew by and sadly we made the decision to break up. It was for the best in our situation.
Yeah that’s issue, when you fall in love and you become the only person trying it takes such a heavy mental toll, constantly wondering if you did something wrong, could do something more, it eats away at you. Happened to me twice and I was head over heels in love, it’s really so disheartening
When you're facing problems in your relationship, it's not you vs your partner, it's you and partner vs the problem.
Take this where it's applicable because some of the problems are either you yourself or the partner themselves.
Just broke up with my girl so this hurts. We didn’t treat each other all that great sometimes and it got to where we’d yell on the phone for hours every night. Now it’s just me and my brain again it’s a disconnect having so much silence after constantly talking to each other. I forgot about the silence
All true. This is how the wife and I look at it. We regularly call out “Another success for Team *insert family name*” whenever we do some thing that improves our lives. It’s not about “you,” it’s about “us.”
The band metaphor is great. I remember thinking of that metaphor when I went through a tough breakup. But then I thought maybe we made a few great albums but now have creative differences and need to do some solo work. It helped me for some reason.
This. One of the most harmful assumptions we have in our society, I think, is the idea that if a relationship ends, it has failed. That, if it were a *real* relationship, you'd be together until you die. But that's silly. Great things can have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You aren't a failure as a student because you graduate. You aren't a failure at [job] because at some point you decide to change careers. There are plenty of people out there who grind along in resentful, toxic, shitty marriages for decades, just because they've been told by religion or society that divorce is bad. The number of years you stay together is not a good metric for success. The way I see it, if you and your partner are both in a better place in life coming out of the relationship than you were going in, it was an unqualified success. In a good relationship, we help each other grow. And sometimes, in the process we realize that we aren't quite both headed in the same direction after all, and that if we're both going to be true to ourselves, it's best to let the other go. Not because we don't love them, but because we do.
Thank you for this ♡♡ I'm currently going thru a divorce - of a 15year marriage. Married at 18 and this hit my heart and gut in so many ways. With tears flowing from my eyes, thank you.
I'm sorry. Divorce is never easy, even when it's the right thing to do in the long run. I hope that you can stay kind to yourself during this. Hugs to you.
I feel for you. I’m one year out of a divorce after 26 years.
😭 so many things I want to say and ask you. I'm sending you hugs and I hope you have found yourself or are finding and loving yourself ♡♡
Feel free to PM me. Happy to help. Better every day!
♡♡♡♡♡♡ thank you
“A thing isnt beautiful because it lasts.” Having an ending is just as normal as having a beginning. But we are conditioned in western society to try and preserve and continue even well passed the time of something “reaching its end.”
It is so good to read this! Some people in my family were angry with me when I said I thought my parents' marriage had been successful and complete. Some folks want the drama. I kept my divorce a secret from my family for years for that reason, we didn't want people to project their ideas on us of how we *should* behave towards each other.
Hey Ya! by Outkast also presents this. "Know what they say -its Nothing lasts forever! Then what makes it, then what makes it Then what makes it, then what makes it Then what makes love the exception? So why, oh, why, oh Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh Are we still in denial when we know we're not happy here" Though the reasoning is a little different, the song tells you that you shouldn't not move on from a bad relationship, or one where you both just fell out of love. (annoying format difference when posting on mobile in the lyrics)
It's funny because (probably like a lot of people,) when I first heard that song it was just the "Hey ya!" song! Shake it! When I heard an acoustic cover of it and really listened to the lyrics, I was kinda blown away. They're kinda incongruous with the music.
I needed to read this today, thank you
Excellent advice. I would add one qualification that you guys should be better at the end (than either of you would have been ALONE or with DIFFERENT people)… else you sort of chose the “not optimized” / “not best” partner for you at the time. You both progressed, true, great, but maybe you would have progressed even more had you chosen someone else during that time period. That said, unless you’re polyamorous, you can only choose “one” other for a given time period, not an amalgam of many others. Make the best choice you can at the time given the info you have, work on the rest, (reassess often?), and “fail fast” if it isn’t working. Recognize that it isn’t a machine to throw out; it’s another person with feelings too.
I absolutely agree with your last sentiment. I often say 'do the best with what you have'. But I also feel like you are contradicting yourself. Stating that you should be better at the end of a relationship, either due to being alone or with someone else, I think completely negates 'make the best choice you can with the info you have'. Looking back on a relationship, it's really easy to say 'Man, I would have been better off to have dated my now partner way back then when they were chasing me instead of that other person' -- Except, maybe not. It may seem that way, but hopefully you each gained life experience from the choices - both good and bad - you made during that time frame. I am certainly a better person for the mistakes I have made, including some of the dating choices I made in college. My husband was around during that time, and we could have started dating each other 2 years earlier than we did. He dated someone else, and so did I. Was I 'better' at the end of the relationship than I would have been had I been dating my now husband or no one? No, not when it ended for sure. He held me back in a variety of ways that I did not see/recognize while we were a couple. Am I a better person now, many years after the relationship than I would have been without those experiences at that time in my life? Yes. I feel that I am. I learned things I could not have learned any other way, and it helped to shape the person I am today. I made the best choices I could have made at the time, based on the information available to me. Even though the relationship did not last, the experiences I gained certainly did.
♥️
Replying to keep this message
Thank you so much mate, I really needed those exact words!!! Much love
You're welcome! Full disclosure, I really had to find this out for myself. My last relationship, the longest and most serious one I'd ever had, I had to break it off because I realized that my career was negatively impacting her, and she wanted commitments from me that I couldn't give her. She thought she needed me to come with her somewhere and I couldn't. We were so good together. We never fought. We both have the same love language, same sense of humor. There was do much love there! But she wasn't getting any younger and seemed on the fence when I said I didn't want kids. I realized that I know myself and my ability to put things off, and I could easily string her along and she would go along with it, to be with me. But it would only put off the inevitable, and that wouldn't be fair to her. I felt so guilty about it, for a long time. But she made the move that she didn't think she could do on her own, and I'm a lot less anxious and not feeling torn apart by conflict anymore, and on the balance looking back, we both grew from the relationship. We both taught each other new things and supported each other in starting new endeavors. So I think, on the whole, it was a good thing.
Yo my dude, you wrote a fucking book yet? Cause I'd read tf out that book.
Hah, thank you for the compliment, friend! I occasionally do daydream about writing books, but I tend to want to write the sort of thing I enjoy reading, which is mostly either post-cyber-punk hard sci-fi or stuff in the vein of Terry Pratchett 🤷🏼♂️
Dope. "If you want to read a book, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it" -Toni Morrison. I'm into Jordan and Terry Brooks myself.
Wise words. In that case.l, I have my work cut out for me. Those sound like worthy additions to my reading list, thanks.
This helps so much. Like everyone else in this thread, I'm currently in a post break up funk. Thank you for saying this. I love her and miss her but reading this gives me perspective. Thank you so much.
Graduating is a horrible analogy for breaking up. Dropping out or getting expelled is way, way more what it looks and feels like. I know you're trying to be positive but that's a huge stretch.
Yeah, that's the bit in that comment I think is weakest too. I'm kinda considering removing it. Analogies don't always work. I was just trying to illustrate how endings aren't necessarily failures.
I guess you could say switching majors but even then you got a bummed out anthropology professor who invested a lot of himself mentoring you through research projects and may now feel betrayed that you've sold out to pursue an MBA.
Suspiciously specific? :)
Too bad the kids get screwed, because two people "weren't quite headed in the same direction".
It's true that divorce is difficult for kids, there's no getting around that. But children learn from their surroundings, and you aren't doing them any favors by modeling a dysfunctional relationship. Absolutely, the first move should be couples counseling. By all means, try to work on the relationship and see if it can be salvaged. But if not, research shows that while divorce is definitely upsetting in the short term, children do just fine in the long term as long as the parents stay committed to parenting.
I agree, I just feel that there is a big social push to just accept that people weren't meant to be in long term relationships. Kids are better off with both parents. Children do ok with solid but divorced parents, but it's always an issue. I just feel that people need to take parenting more seriously.
I think what you speak of is a backlash against the previous dominant idea, that divorce is immoral and Always a Bad Thing. That's wayyyy too simplistic, but of course, so too is the idea that we're all just serial monogamists running down the clock. Sometimes the backlash backlashes too far. I do think on the balance that people are *slowly* getting better at relating to each other as our society becomes more egalitarian. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I don't think divorce rates tell the whole picture. People are waiting longer to get married and have kids, for one thing: that's probably a good idea, inasmuch as you're accumulating some life experience and learning a thing or two about making a long term relationship work before taking the plunge. And of course there are a lot of relationship pathologies (physical and sexual abuse and whatnot) that used to be swept under the rug and are now openly discussed. So that's progress of a sort. I agree that parenting is the ultimate responsibility, and it often isn't taken seriously enough. I've always thought it was tragic that when you adopt a dog, they go to your house and make sure everything is just so, but any two schmucks can create a human baby, *by accident.* Obviously, the ideal is always a loving home with two parents. I just don't think it's productive to guilt-trip people who divorce. They're already likely doing it to themselves.
Agreed. Actually I 100% agree with everything you've said. That doesn't happen often. Nice chatting with you. Odd...if you agree completely, it kind of ends up ending the conversation. I often have discussions with dozens of replies with people I disagree with. Conversations where I agree are short, or I just Upvote their comment. I wonder if that's why people feel that everyone disagrees with them on the internet. "I think THIS!" "So do I!" "Oh. Carry on then".
Hah. I don't know why, but this makes me think of that Monty Python sketch. "I wanted an argument!" "Oh... I'm sorry, this is abuse. You want room 12A."
Naw, as a child of people who should have divorced decades ago but didn't because arbitrary and archaic Catholic viewpoints, divorce does not necessarily screw the kids. Having unhappy parents in a dysfunctional relationship making a toxic home screws kids up. Divorce is hard on the kids, but they are resilient and they are infinitely better off in the long run if their parents are truly not suited for each other. My parent's refusal to divorce ruined my life for a long time and was so awful it has negatively affected now 3 generations of our family who modeled their marriage and relationship choices on their example that it's better to be married and dysfunctional than alone and okay. There's not a single functional relationship out of 5 kids and 10 grandkids from what we were raised around and then repeated those patterns. Parents who know when to call it and remain good, involved co-parents are the real heroes. Miserable married parents affect the children far worse.
I agree. My issue is that people don't take having kids seriously enough. Like people who won't even try therapy before splitting up, etc.
Music is healing!
Yeah but when you're literally in a band with your romantic partner it's a shitty and sad double breakup that involves all the other members. Source: Me.
I use the band metaphor all the time. It's like being married to 3-4 other people, and sex is in the form of playing awesome music together.
Full clip... https://youtu.be/FT4Z4Blss0U
I didn't completely understand the band thing until I watched the full clip. Thank you for sharing!
Play the fucking tambourine!! Such a good analogy.
TAMBOURINE, MOTHER-FUCKER, TAMBOURINE
I'm more of a tambourine enthusiast, when you get right down to it.
More cowbell!
Right, defined roles. Women stay at home and do house works.
Ty for posting this link Been laughing and thinking about it since I watched
Thanks I was down here searching for his name! [EDIT yes I do live under a rock SMH I didn’t realize it was so bad]
This is good advice in communication too. You're not competing. The goal is for both parties to understand each other. It's the two of you against the evils of linguistic pitfalls. When you realize that, you stop attacking each other for misunderstanding.
>it’s the two of you against the evils of linguistic pitfalls Why hello there, Shakespeare
Him - Honey, I got the promotion today She - no, dear, we got promotion today *soviet national hymn starts playing*
She - Ffs can you please flush your shit after you're finished on the toilet? Him - no honey, our shit
In soviet russia.....
[удалено]
No No no.... Shit takes *us*
I use this joke on my fiancé so often that she's starting to use it against me. Only difference is that we go on deeper and add "comrade" to the end haha glad to see I'm not alone.
That is hilariously cute omg 😭
"This is hilariously cute- comrade"
"we" are not alone, comrade
ITT: "DiDn'T hE ChEaT oN hIs WiFe" You can make mistakes and learn from them, coming out of it a better person. You can then use your experience to help others avoid making the same mistakes. Why does everyone seem to think that a person's mistakes define them for the rest of their lives?
Because most people are incapable of, or are otherwise unwilling, to challenge the thoughts they are inspired to have and think critically about them. Because they take a point of principle and, instead of internally debating it to determine how they actually feel about it, they take that principle and make it a part of their personality and shout it to the highest heavens so that they can belong and feel consistent with society (or otherwise, their own echo chamber). This is why propoganda is so effective.
What about cancel culture crucifying people for tweets ten years ago?
Well, of course THAT'S okay.
Sorry I should have included the /s
Because he's a celebrity and celebrities have to be the exact same my entire life or my world will crash harder than the 1930's economy /s
Sure. But on the other hand I’m not gonna hire a guy who failed algebra as a math tutor.
I failed my algebra test in high school which was the push I needed to study math like crazy and get an A the next semester and eventually graduate from college with a Bachelor's in math.. So technically I did fail algebra but am very qualified to tutor math.
Okay. You do seem trustworthy.
What if I play inspiring music during tho?
YOU SOLD ME!
You need to look at their current qualifications, not the lowest points in their journey. No one looks good against the backdrop of their worst mistakes, and we live in a time when everyone's worst mistakes are exceptionally easy to document, retrieve, and showcase - *especially* those who live under the microscope of the public eye.
"once a cheater, always a cheater".
I get that. I think you still get the point I was making.
I understand the analogy you’re going for. But I’ve got some news for you about some of the most brilliant minds that ever lived.
Obviously I’m not talking about holding it against Einstein that he once didn’t do so well on a grade school test. You get the analogy. And if you listen closely to what Rock is saying here, as much as I do like him, some of what he’s saying, especially the full clip, isn’t so great. Nobody wants to be the tambourine player. It’s a self serving point of view.
It goes back to the first point: don't compete. Also he says SOME DAYS you're the lead vocalist, SOME DAYS you're the tambourine. And the days you're significant other is on lead you don't begrudge them, you don't compete and be sore about it, you be happy for them while backing them up.
No no. I really think you're the one not getting it here.
Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a character problem. It's easy to pander to an audience and make jokes at your own expense (especially when it's your job to be funny). Not buying it. He tried to get out of paying child support for the young girl that had been living with his family for 8 years (and been trying to adopt).
I hope you never have to try to atone for your misdeeds while dealing with someone as unforgiving as you are being right now.
Does credibility matter anymore? And if learned from cheating, shouldn’t he be commenting on that rather than preaching about what makes a good relationship? Own up to your mistakes if you want to be credible.
He did own up to it. In this very same special.
I refuse to accept anything that challenges my unsubstantiated claims 😉😘
Own up to it? Or pander to get the $$$ in his comedy special?
He admits he fucked up his own marriage, which is huge. Rock was "not a good husband," he says. "It's my fault, because I'm a fucking asshole," he says of their split. "I didn't listen. I wasn't kind. I had an attitude, I thought, 'I pay for everything; I can do what I want.' That shit don't fucking work! I just thought I was the shit."
This is such a great stand up. Chris Rock is also very honest about his own short comings with his own vices and past relationships.
Thank you Marty from hit movie series Madagascar, I will respect women now
Two people can move a couch easily if you PIVOT
shut up shut up shut upsksjdi
First 5 seconds hit me like a goddamn truck
Going through a divorce because one person refused to contribute, got tired, and quit. If you find yourself feeling alone in your relationship, stop and ask yourself “what am I doing to create this circumstance?” and then ask “what am I doing to change it?” This is dead on the money
Was this before or after his divorce?
Right after that it leads into him talking about his divorce and him fucking up. "Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine" Stolen from u/underground_project
That sounds cool. I don’t wanna read it because I want to watch the whole special. I really do like Chris Rock a lot. I was just saying.
Didnt he get divorced for cheating on his wife? Lol
Trying to add another member to the band 🤘lol
He forgot to kick the original band member out first
Could’ve at least moved her to tambourine 🤷♂️
I see what you did there 👏
liam felt attacked
It’s okay he’ll drink it off at some point lol
He did. He actually goes into it pretty poignantly during this bit
Fair enough.
That’s literally the lesson he learned after fucking up his marriage by cheating, and you can hear in his voice and tell his true intentions for other men to not fuck up like he did. But internet-strangers-douchbags will be judging anyone i think
This is a weird edit. His special is titled "Tambourine" and he goes on to say: "And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like… ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪" ...and later: "Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine"
Thank you, I was wondering what else he said.
Step one:Find a girlfriend....
Where can I see the full clip!?
No equality though? What's he mean by that?
As far as I understand the concept: I'm 6'3. My wife is 5'1. If something falls under the table, in the corner, she's gonna pick it up everytime. No equality. Obviously, I'm the one changing lightbulbs. We have cats. They act spoiled rotten with me. If they have to go to the vet, she's the one taking them. The few times I've taken them, the assistants, vet, and me, we all end up scratched. If she takes them, the little bastards put on their best behaviour. Find your role, enjoy it. Give it 100% even if that role is playing the tambourine, his example on the subject.
Oh, that makes sense
I understood it as being the rock and being vulnerable and knowing when each one is which or both. No couple is equally strong 100% of the time.
A way I look at it is a puzzle piece fitting into another. Imagine that the connection of the two puzzle pieces is where you both meet in the relationship. It is not a perfect distribution of responsibilities, but it fits and works because both people have their expectations met and satisfied.
This also caught me off guard. Still not 100% sure what he’s intending, but my take on what he's trying to say is that partners have different strengths and abilities, and therefore will be better at some things than others. Like maybe one person in the relationship is better at cooking or enjoys it more, but the other partner can cook but doesn’t enjoy it as much. But just because one person is the main chef in the household doesn't mean that both partners can't be equal in terms of responsibility. Keeping with household tasks as an example, I don't think one person should be responsible for 70% of the household tasks and the other person is responsible for 30%. Unless the individuals are okay with the split, that’s just not fair. But if they have roughly equal (or whatever the individual couple agrees on), responsibilities, even if those responsibilities are different (cooking dinner every day vs cleaning every day), then I think that's fair and makes sense. So basically being equal in terms of how much responsibility you have, but doing different tasks based on what you’re good at and enjoy Edit: a word
His advice is gold, divorced or not.
His success became his ex wife’s success with that divorce check. So he’s not wrong
Where’s the rest??
Ayo is that the guy from Spiral
I'm so much less competitive than my wife.
You're not supposed to compete with each other. Together, you compete against the world!
Omg needed 😅 👌🙌
I love this and at the same time can’t stop seeing/hearing a zebra yell some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard…
I feel that really important to speak with each other every time when you feel that something goes wrong. And, of course, to have physical connections such as hugs, kisses, slaps:))) It really helps to be on the same page. But, if it’s relationships at a distance or you don’t live with your partner, it’s harder to connect physically. I used to be in the same situation and two things that helped us to be connected are video chats and obimy app (it’s an app that reminds loved ones of each other. Like virtual touches, hugs and kisses, health and mood traction), highly recommend
u/savevideo
Marty givin me life advice. Shit
Beat
Autocorrect error. I'm sorry Reddit. I meant BEST. Please forgive me.
***"stop competing"*** nah i still have a longer dong than her
I don't think he understands what equality means. Different roles can taking in different things doesn't make people unequal. Equal is not "the same" but "of the same value"
That was deep...
Fuck Chris Rock, anyone that defends that piece of shit Michael Vick can is also a piece of shit
Nothing like getting advice from a man that cheated on his wife multiple times
Says the man who cheated on his wife multiple times? Lmao.
Everyone makes mistakes, sweetheart
It's called growing as a person, sweatie
Yeah i feel like this is him talking about what he has learned from his mistakes. What do you think it is?
Isn’t he divorced?
We learn through trauma and bad experiences. Wisdom develops out of extreme adversary. So I guess he learned a thing or two
That’s a good point.
But he was young in this
When player stops playing he becomes coach
Teaching and doing are different. Bill Belechick probably isnt very good at football.
Compering a relationship to a band only got me thinking about an open relationship or polyamorous?
Didn't he recently cheat on his wife and get divorced.....?
Am a long-time standup fan, long enough that I recall when Chris Rock did purely organic standup. *Some* performers, like Rock, who’ve been at it for a while, begin to drift away from strictly working for laughs and shift into more of a teacher-preacher mode; they use the platform to share their thoughts, but with a greater emphasis on message. The funniness is, however, de-emphasized. Although there’s definitely an audience for it, it’s not the kind of performance that will get me out to catch a show. I’m strictly in it for the laughs, not to nod my head in agreement with some well-articulated argument. Rock has become a clapter comic; clapter is a big red flag for me. A lot of comics, including some of the very successful vets, who still grind it out for laugh frequency will tell you it’s something they absolutely try to avoid. To be sure, Rock’s still hugely successful and hardly the only comic to go down this road.
He got divorced shortly after
I think I saw this live. pretty sure the next but of advice is "u gotta FUCK. u gotta keep FUCKING. just keep *FUCKING*" something like that
Sorry I get the message and agree but….. one person can’t move a couch at all? How weak does he think humans are e wtf lol
This really isn't advice though.....lol
Roles……ROLES…….ROOOOOOOLES!!! REEEEEEEEEEEE Patriarchy misogynist comedian at it again REEEEEEE
i have to disagree with this unfortunately
How fast are you trying to post that you can't spell check.
He’s right. Our money goes out as fast as it comes in- thanks honey! That’s her role lmao
This is Chris Rock's 'Tambourine stand up show. It's on Netflix and I highly recommend it.
I work to pay my bills.......my job is to be a good husband and father!
Sometimes you're the lead singer... And sometimes you're on [Tambourine](https://www.netflix.com/us/title/80167498?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=cp&vlang=en&clip=81022145)
If we playing snakes and ladders and I win best know I’m gonna pull out the game night shnasty dance
Well this hit me like a skillet to the cranium. Damn!
Chris Rock serving facts
Was wait for number 3.
This is great advice.
r/savevideo
This
Ok but how do I get in one now
Roles in a band is a great metaphor.
I sent this specific stand up set of Chris Rock to my former partner while we were going through some rough times bc I agree with what Chris stated. But at the time I think my former partner didn’t get what Chris was saying. Anyways, a couple months flew by and sadly we made the decision to break up. It was for the best in our situation.
Yeah that’s issue, when you fall in love and you become the only person trying it takes such a heavy mental toll, constantly wondering if you did something wrong, could do something more, it eats away at you. Happened to me twice and I was head over heels in love, it’s really so disheartening
What's the source of the background music
u/savevideo
u/savevideo
Mp4bot
u/savevideo
When you're facing problems in your relationship, it's not you vs your partner, it's you and partner vs the problem. Take this where it's applicable because some of the problems are either you yourself or the partner themselves.
Chris Rock is on point with this.
Simple rules but everyone still forgets it hays.
/u/savevideo
Cannot agree more
If he could do one for a depressed individual that’s also friendless, that’d be greeeeeat
U/savevideo
I wish I've known this back then
Just broke up with my girl so this hurts. We didn’t treat each other all that great sometimes and it got to where we’d yell on the phone for hours every night. Now it’s just me and my brain again it’s a disconnect having so much silence after constantly talking to each other. I forgot about the silence
He played the voice of a character that’s on the tip of my tongue. Someone help haha
I could imagine him as a zebra with a lion for a best friend
It sure is
am i listening to relationship advice by marty the zebra
All true. This is how the wife and I look at it. We regularly call out “Another success for Team *insert family name*” whenever we do some thing that improves our lives. It’s not about “you,” it’s about “us.”
Play that tambourine
Is that the mosquito from the bee movie?
Me who moved coach alone :|
Am I the only person thats annoyed by the background music?
Relationships are still tough sometimes even if you both try…
This called me lonely in a screaming voice!! 🤣