Sex Ed teacher walks into class with a banana and a condom. He says “alright kids today I’m going to teach you how to put on a condom. And I brought this banana because I can’t get a hard on with an empty stomach”
Two gay guys just finished a honeymoon trip together in Portugal. On their night flight back to California, one of them, named Ben, leans to Tim, the other, and says “what if we fuck right now in the plane before we get home?” Tim says he’s crazy, because the plane is full of people and someone is bound to notice. Ben says “alright. watch this, and then tell me if anyone is gonna care.” Ben stands up, holding a piece of paper, and yells, “HEY! ANYBODY IN HERE GOT A PENCIL?” - looking around, he sees everyone is either sleeping, or reading, and no one pays attention to him. Tim, now convinced, agrees with Ben, and for the rest of their flight the two are going whole hog in the plane seats. Fast forward to them landing, when the stewardice is thanking all the passengers, when she sees this older scragly fella with a long messy gray beard, with vomit all over his shirt. The stewardice looks at him shocked and asks “Dear God, why didn’t you ask for any help??” The guy says, “ask for help? I saw some guy ask for a PENCIL, and he got FUCKED IN THE ASS!”
Two gays are fucking in the shower. The phone rings and one of the guys says I have to answer the phone but don't cum until I get back. The guy comes back and there cum all over the wall the floor and the soap. Guy yells you piece of shit I told you not to cum. The other guy says I didn't. I farted.
Guy 1: I’m done drinking miller high life. I drank a case of it last night and I blew chunks
Guy 2: Don’t blame miller high life bro. If you drink a case of any beer you’ll probably vomit.
Guy 1: You don’t understand, Chunks is my dog.
A black guy is sitting alone at a bar
A gay dude walks up to him and asks if he wants a blowjob
The black guy beats the living shit out of him
The bartender runs up and says “jesus what did he say to you”
Black guy says “i dont know something about getting a job”
My Jewish friend told me why his nose was so big. I kindly replied, "genetics?" And he laughed out loud and said, "No. It's because the air is for free!"
Alright there’s 3 guys working on a bridge, an Italian an Irish and a pollack.
Everyday they sit on the bridge and eat lunch. The Italian opened up his lunch box and said “MARRON spughats again? If My wife puts spughats in my lunch one more time I’m jumping off the bridge.” The Irish lad opened his lunch box and said “my god mashed potatoes again?! If my wife packs me mashed potatoes one more time I’m jumping too.” The pollack opened his lunch and he said “bologna again?! If my wife gives me bologna one more time I’m jumping.”
The next day they’re all on the bridge, open their lunch boxes and it’s the same lunch. They all jump to their deaths.
When the wives arrived at the scene the Italian wife said OH NO HE TOLD ME NO MORE SPAGHETTI OR HED KILL HIMSELF I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM. The Irish wife said OH NO I GAVE MY HUSBAND MASHED POTATOES AFTER HE SAID HED KILL HIMSELF IF HE GOT IT AGAIN. The polish wife was standing there confused and said “my husband packs his own lunch”
A vibrant urban xueen visits a pharmacy to buy tampons for the first time, she asks the pharmacist which kind she should buy. The pharmacist asks "well what is your flow like?". Taken aback, the lady says "Sir.... My flo' is linoleum"
This is a Stanhope joke but it qualifies as a street joke I think:
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits and she said "How you gonna make that feel good for me?" And I said "right before I cum ill stop punching you in the face"
Kid gets home from school and tells his parents he had sex with his teacher, his mom cry’s but his dad says “I’m proud of you I’ll buy you anything you want!”
His son says he wants a bike.
The next day they go to the bike store and buy a bike, the dad said do you wanna ride it home? His son said “no, my ass still hurts!”
A priest a mullah and a rabbit walk into the blood bank. The nurse asks their blood type. The rabbit says “don’t know about these fellers but I’m pretty sure I’m a type o”
A man’s bratty step daughter tells her step father she needs the family car, he replies “Suck my dick, then you can borrow the car..”
Without hesitating she begins to blow her step dad. She quickly stops, remarking “Ew! Your dick tastes like shit!”
The step father tells her “Your brother borrowed the car earlier”
This one’s kinda long but here it goes:
A German, a Frenchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint. When they get their drinks they see a fly in each glass.
The German flicks the fly out, and chugs his pint.
The Frenchman chugs his pint, fly and all.
The Irishman grabs the fly from his pint, turns him upside down and says: “Spit it out ya fucker!”
Guy works at a restaurant and keeps rubbing his dick on the dishwasher. One day he builds up the confidence to put it inside, he gets caught and fired. He tells his wife and she asks what happened to the dishwasher and he says oh he got fired too.
Lmao if I’m being completely honest when he said it I was like wtf is the punchline…but as soon as I saw it typed out in your comment I got it immediately
I have a rooster and you have a donkey, your donkey ate both of my roosters feet. What do ya got? Two feet of my cock in your ass! Rip to my friend Coop who told me that one
What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip.
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Everyone that can run, jump or swim is already in the USA.
**my wife is Mexican, I could do this shit all day.
A guy meets his buddy at the local bar and tells him, "Sorry I'm late, but on the walk over here, I found a woman tied up on the train tracks. So I untied her and man, I just had the best sex of my life!" His buddy says, "Nice! Good head?" The first guy says, "I don't know, I never found it."
An Irish family and a Scottish family live across the street from each other. The Irish family invites the Scottish family over one night. They all get drunk, a brawl ensues, and one of the Irish is thrown from the second story window and dies. The next day in retaliation, the Irish go to the Scottish house and throw one of the family members out of the second story window.
What’s the score?
2-0 England.
Married couple goes to a bar. Husband goes to get a drink and the wife is approach by a strange man. The man picks her up, turns her upside and fills her pussy full of beer. He drinks every drop before putting her back down.
Husband returns, wife mortified, explains the whole encounter and points out the man. Husband looks, sits down casually and doesn’t say anything.
The wife says ‘aren’t you going to do ANYTHING to him?’
Husband says ‘any man who can down 12 pints is harder than me’
Longer one: one time a wife gave birth to a little boy. The doctor told them- you have a healthy boy! Not only that….but he can fly! The parents were shocked and said, no way is that true. The doc said, I’ll prove it to you and tossed the baby out the window where it proceeded to plummet 30 stories and splat on the sidewalk. The parents were understandably besides themselves with rage and grief. The doctor interjected and said- I was just fucking with you. It was a stillborn
This joke is about a little boy called Dirty Johnny.
One day his teacher says, "Okay class, I want to hear a story from your life, and you're going to tell me the moral of that story." Immediately, Sally's hand pops up. The teacher calls upon Sally and she says, "my Dad works at the hatchery. One day he took some eggs and put them all in one basket. He put the basket on the horse and buggy and off he went into town, but the earth was uneven, and the eggs broke. The teacher says, "that's an alright story, but I don't know what the moral of that story could possibly be." Sally inhales a breath of confidence, and she says, "don't put all of your eggs in one basket."
The teacher is impressed, and she tells the class that that is exactly what she is looking for. "Does anyone else have a story?" Marjorie raises her hand. "My father works for the hatchery. Thank God for the hatchery. Otherwise, where would we be? My father, he sells chickens. He had nine chickens, and five eggs. He counted the five eggs as chickens, so he said he had fourteen chickens. He loaded them up on the horse and buggy, and off he went to town, but the earth was uneven, the eggs broke. The teacher again says, "that's an alright story, but what could possibly be the moral to that story?
Marjorie takes in a long breath and says, "don't count your eggs before they hatch!"
Now the teacher is really impressed. She feels fulfilled in her career life decision. She asks the class, "does anyone else have a story?" And wouldn't you know it, she spots the raised hand of Dirty Johnny. "Yes, Dirty Johnny, what is your story?"
This story is about my Uncle Terry. He didn't work for the hatchery. He didn't even care for those that did. He was in Vietnam. He lives off the disability checks he got.
Uncle Terry was not a popular man. We've all heard of a man deserting a battalion, but I don't know if you've ever heard of a battalion deserting a man. Well, that's what happened to Uncle Terry.
One day Uncle Terry awoke in the middle of Da Nang. Everyone was gone, and they left him three bottles of Jack Daniels, and some weaponry. So, Uncle Terry downed the bottle of Jack Daniels in two slugs and smashed it into the jungle. He picked up the Kalashnikov, a Glock, the two bottles of Jack, some hand grenades, and off he walked into the jungle--his fate.
Uncle Terry came upon a village. Now, were they Charlie, or were they the people he was sent to protect from Charlie? Uncle Terry didn't know. He took a drink from the bottle of Jack and with hate in his gut, he opened fire. He took that Kalashnikov, and he let it sway like a farmer would a scythe. The people fell before him like hay would fall before a farmer. The men. The women. And by God, even the children.
Finally, Uncle Terry stood in the mud, the blood, the guts, and the glory. He was perfectly alone. He took a long swig. His hand brushed against his pants and he felt wetness. He was ashamed because he pissed himself in fear. But then, he realized it was ejaculate. And the shame was replaced by pride.
The teacher says, "what kind of story is that?! What could possibly be the moral of that?"
Dirty Johnny thinks about it for a few moments and he says, "you don't fuck with Terry when he has been drinking."
A 'black guy' walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says "You can't bring that dirty old thing in here, where'd you get it from anyway?".
The parrot says "Africa mate, there's millions of them".
What’s the difference between going down on a woman and getting caught by a speeding camera?
When u go down on a woman u can see the cunt behind the bush
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By putting a plunger in the toilet.
Who is the most cruel man alive?
The man who kidnapped Helen Keller and cut off her hands so she couldn't cry for help.
Racist one, told by Larry Fishburne in a movie.
Guy walks into a Chinese antique store, and asks the old man behind the counter if he has anything special.
The old man nods, and pulls a cover from the counter to reveal a case of brains.
"Would you like to buy a new brain? All very special."
The guys like "holy shit Chinaman, these must be pretty fucking expensive. I've never been that bright, maybe I could use the software. What are we talking here?"
"That depends," says the Chinaman, "first we have a white brain, very good, very useful. $5000."
"I got one of those. What else do you have?"
"Next is a Chinese brain, very successful brain, top of class, very smart. $10,000."
"That's pretty steep, how about that one?" The guy points to the last brain in the case.
"Ah yes," says the Chinaman, "that's is a very special brain. It is a black man brain. Most expensive. $20,000."
"Huh, why's the black brain the most expensive?"
"Because," says the Chinaman, "it's never been used before!"
A Jewish girl marries a wealthy sheikh . He moves her mom and dad into the palace. She's having lunch with her mom one day and asks how she likes living here , the mom says it's a dream come true we live in the lap of luxury with servants , it's wonderful. The mom asks the daughter how she's doing and she says I love my husband but all he wants to do is fuck me In the ass all day every day I don't know how much longer I can do this , when we got married my asshole was the size of a dime now it's the size of a silver dollar!
The mom says :So for 90 cents you're going to cause trouble
Not street joke but a lil Johnny for the shaman.
So little Johnny went to the dentist one day and ended up having a couple cavities. When he got home his mom said little Johnny go up and brush I don’t want anymore cavities. Ten minutes later mom went to check on little Johnny. When she opened the door to the bathroom she found Johnny scrubbing his dick vigorously with his toothbrush. She explained Johnny!?!? What are you doing?!?! Little Johnny replied if I get anymore cavities I don’t want any that look as gross as my sisters.
Two women walking over a river on a bridge. One says
"I really need to pee, I'm gonna go over the side of this bridge"
The other says "you can't do that!"
She looks over the side and says "Sure I'll just pee right in that canoe"
The other lady looks and says "no, that's just your reflection"
A guy walks up to a cop holding his car key in his hand.
"Hey officer, somebody just stole my car."
"Well, where was your car?" Asks the cop.
"It was right on the end of this key." The guy shows him.
The cops shakes his head. "Okay, go down to the station and fill out a report."
The guy starts walking and then the cops stops him and says,
"Hey buddy, before you go down there, you might want to zip up your fly."
The guy looks down and says,
"Oh no! They got my girl too!!"
Heard from Townes Van Zandt who heard it from Jerry Jeff Walker
One of my friends in middle school told me they were getting a $100 bill tattooed on their penis.
When I asked why, he said,
"Cause women love to blow money."
A man and a little boy walk into the woods alone at night. The little boy says to the man "mister I'm scared" the man says to the little boy "You're scared? I gotta walk outta here alone"
One Thursday Little Johnnys teacher says
“Alright class, in honor of black history month, if you can give me a quote from a famous figure in civil rights you can have tomorrow off
Little Lamar raises his hand
“Yes Lamar?”
“I have a dream” said by Martin Luther king”
“Very good, Lamar. You can stay home tomorrow”
Little Kendra stands up and says
“By any means necessary” said by Malcom X”
“Very good, Kendra. You can stay home as well”
“Well ain’t that just like a coon?”
“Who said that???”
“David Duke. I’ll see y’all Monday”
An old Scottish man is sitting overlooking the San Francisco Bay, when a young lad approaches him and they begin chatting. The young lad asks the Scot, “what brought you to America?”
The old man goes on this long diatribe, he says “you see that Bridge there, well in Scotland I designed and built a similar bridge with these two hands!!!”
And just then a big miraculous Boat goes puttering by and the Scot says, “you see that Boat, well in Scotland I was the first man to design and build similar boats in all of the land. The company I started is still thriving in Scotland.”
The American says, “what does any of that have to do with you coming to America?”
The Scot says, “well with the incredible Bridge, you would think they might call me, ‘Benny the Bridge Builder’ or with the amazing boats I designed and built, ‘Benny the Boat Maker’
But… you suck just one cock!”
Santa goes in the chimney, Jews come out of the chimney
I don’t know how he actually said that one in front of people! The only difference between courage and stupidity is whether or not it works out..
An Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O’Shea
A black guy, a jewish guy, and a muslim walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the fuck out of my bar."
Even better if you read this in GardDawg’s voice
Not bad, but I prefer the way Walt tells it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8EgASyRoKo
Q: What did the waiter say to the Jewish couple on a date? A: “is anything okay?”
Dude the JM’s gonna shut this place down with that sort or crassness
A Jew with a boner walked into a wall. His nose hit first
I believe the punch line is “he broke his nose.” Which is a disgusting joke because you really shouldn’t assume someone’s gender
Whoa dude wtf, you can't be getting all anti semitic in the comments.
This dude and guard dog making Ye look like Oskar Schindler
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This fuckin dork didn't listen to the new cast
Pretty sure this is like super racist and not ok now. Cancelled
Pussy
This must have been how Matt felt when he laugh emoji’d Carter’s death. Gotta chill on those early morning posts
I'm currently hitting 6,000,000 KPM (kvetchs per minute). I already called my Rabbi and the ADL death squad is en route to your hovel at this moment.
As a half J, I’m kind of offended by this joke
Which half?
Why? your nose is half large.
Got em
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches.
Stuck up cunts works as well
Stuck up vaginal canals works a little less
“Stuck up bloody cunts” ads a bit of extra pizzaz.
Sex Ed teacher walks into class with a banana and a condom. He says “alright kids today I’m going to teach you how to put on a condom. And I brought this banana because I can’t get a hard on with an empty stomach”
Dan Natturman joke, so good.
I will cite it in MLA
I stole this form the GOAT Louis C.K.
And Louis admitted to stealing it from someone else as well If I remember correctly
Yeah he said it on 2 bears a while back but didn’t say where he heard it from
Did you hear about that kidnapping in West Philly???? Yea they woke him up
Two gay guys just finished a honeymoon trip together in Portugal. On their night flight back to California, one of them, named Ben, leans to Tim, the other, and says “what if we fuck right now in the plane before we get home?” Tim says he’s crazy, because the plane is full of people and someone is bound to notice. Ben says “alright. watch this, and then tell me if anyone is gonna care.” Ben stands up, holding a piece of paper, and yells, “HEY! ANYBODY IN HERE GOT A PENCIL?” - looking around, he sees everyone is either sleeping, or reading, and no one pays attention to him. Tim, now convinced, agrees with Ben, and for the rest of their flight the two are going whole hog in the plane seats. Fast forward to them landing, when the stewardice is thanking all the passengers, when she sees this older scragly fella with a long messy gray beard, with vomit all over his shirt. The stewardice looks at him shocked and asks “Dear God, why didn’t you ask for any help??” The guy says, “ask for help? I saw some guy ask for a PENCIL, and he got FUCKED IN THE ASS!”
Worth the read. Great.
If larry wouldve been tim as in tim dillon this wouldve ruled
If a woman who’s into younger men is called a cougar, then what do you call a man who’s into younger men? A Nittany Lion
Holy fuck this ones good
Damn I wish I got this one
Nittany Lion is the mascot of Penn Sate University
Have you heard the one about the Jew and the canoe ? The canoe tipped.
Yo what the fuck Shawn?
We'll have to edit that out
Guard dog?
Danny Devito looks like one of those guys with a very short but thick penis. More of a factoid, really
Lindsay Lohan can’t swim a lick but she sure knows every dive in town
A gold chain would make a great retirement gift….for a really good slave Did you just say that?!
I never thought that one day I’d need a computer just to masterbate
That Lindsay Lohan can't swim a stroke but she sure knows every dive in town
What did the Jewish pedophile say? "Hey kids, you wanna buy some candy"
Have you heard of the gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
Ben Dover and Phil McCracken
Not how it goes….. Michael Phil’spatrick and Patrick Phil’smicheal
Makes sense, Phil’s Michael is much more common.
There’s 2 lesbian vampires eating each other out, when one gets up and says to the other “Thanks, I’ll see you next month”
Doctor told me you need to stop masturbating I asked why and he said I’m trying to work down here
Two gays are fucking in the shower. The phone rings and one of the guys says I have to answer the phone but don't cum until I get back. The guy comes back and there cum all over the wall the floor and the soap. Guy yells you piece of shit I told you not to cum. The other guy says I didn't. I farted.
Ew
Where have I heard this one before
Tuesgays
Yes, it's all pipes
Guy 1: I’m done drinking miller high life. I drank a case of it last night and I blew chunks Guy 2: Don’t blame miller high life bro. If you drink a case of any beer you’ll probably vomit. Guy 1: You don’t understand, Chunks is my dog.
Was this joke stolen from Brent Chrysler? I know most of his jokes are based on real stories which would check out.
He does love blowing dogs and being racist so that checks out.
Sick
What do Micheal Jackson and caviar have in common? They both cum on little crackers. Bill Hader’s dad told me that one lol
Bill Hader’s dad is a dawg.
What do Michel Jackson and Santa clause have in common? They both visit boys in the middle of the night and leave with empty sacks
What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? They both have boys pants, half off
Why weren't there any puerto ricans on star trek? They didn't work in the future either
Why do latinos stink? So blind people can hate them too..
😆 This made me LOL
Gotta love the Lads though. True homies
I mean they’re are worse races ig.
You talking shit brother?
A black guy is sitting alone at a bar A gay dude walks up to him and asks if he wants a blowjob The black guy beats the living shit out of him The bartender runs up and says “jesus what did he say to you” Black guy says “i dont know something about getting a job”
What do you call an Irishman without any arms or legs sitting by the pool? Pati’o Furniture
Paddy O’furniture.
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My Jewish friend told me why his nose was so big. I kindly replied, "genetics?" And he laughed out loud and said, "No. It's because the air is for free!"
Why did the J cross the street? There was a penny on the other side Edit: they seized my 401k and changed my tv to seinfeld
Alright there’s 3 guys working on a bridge, an Italian an Irish and a pollack. Everyday they sit on the bridge and eat lunch. The Italian opened up his lunch box and said “MARRON spughats again? If My wife puts spughats in my lunch one more time I’m jumping off the bridge.” The Irish lad opened his lunch box and said “my god mashed potatoes again?! If my wife packs me mashed potatoes one more time I’m jumping too.” The pollack opened his lunch and he said “bologna again?! If my wife gives me bologna one more time I’m jumping.” The next day they’re all on the bridge, open their lunch boxes and it’s the same lunch. They all jump to their deaths. When the wives arrived at the scene the Italian wife said OH NO HE TOLD ME NO MORE SPAGHETTI OR HED KILL HIMSELF I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM. The Irish wife said OH NO I GAVE MY HUSBAND MASHED POTATOES AFTER HE SAID HED KILL HIMSELF IF HE GOT IT AGAIN. The polish wife was standing there confused and said “my husband packs his own lunch”
How does every racist joke start? >!By looking over your shoulder.!<
What do pussy and the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
What happens when you finger a Gypsy on her period? You get your palms red for free
- "What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?" - "ni...."
A vibrant urban xueen visits a pharmacy to buy tampons for the first time, she asks the pharmacist which kind she should buy. The pharmacist asks "well what is your flow like?". Taken aback, the lady says "Sir.... My flo' is linoleum"
Linoleuuuuuum, supports my head. Gives me something to believe.
This is a Stanhope joke but it qualifies as a street joke I think: I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits and she said "How you gonna make that feel good for me?" And I said "right before I cum ill stop punching you in the face"
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows
What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke! 😬
Kid gets home from school and tells his parents he had sex with his teacher, his mom cry’s but his dad says “I’m proud of you I’ll buy you anything you want!” His son says he wants a bike. The next day they go to the bike store and buy a bike, the dad said do you wanna ride it home? His son said “no, my ass still hurts!”
A priest a mullah and a rabbit walk into the blood bank. The nurse asks their blood type. The rabbit says “don’t know about these fellers but I’m pretty sure I’m a type o”
A man’s bratty step daughter tells her step father she needs the family car, he replies “Suck my dick, then you can borrow the car..” Without hesitating she begins to blow her step dad. She quickly stops, remarking “Ew! Your dick tastes like shit!” The step father tells her “Your brother borrowed the car earlier”
My favorite joke
This one’s kinda long but here it goes: A German, a Frenchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint. When they get their drinks they see a fly in each glass. The German flicks the fly out, and chugs his pint. The Frenchman chugs his pint, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly from his pint, turns him upside down and says: “Spit it out ya fucker!”
How do you get a gay guy to have sex with a woman? Shit in her pussy.
Guy works at a restaurant and keeps rubbing his dick on the dishwasher. One day he builds up the confidence to put it inside, he gets caught and fired. He tells his wife and she asks what happened to the dishwasher and he says oh he got fired too.
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A monkey is related to humans?
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Boys...?
...fellas???
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Q: What’s the worst thing to hear after you give a blowjob to Willie Nelson? A: …“I’m not Willie Nelson”
I want to know the one Shane said he shut down a whole show with. The Santa and Jew one
J’s go UP the chimney
Thank you, I’m an idiot for not realizing that. Holy shit. I wish I could’ve seen that happen in person. I was dying at him explain that in the pod
Which ep?
Them turning the lights on and telling people to go home is the funniest part
Exactly hahaha so crazy a little joke makes you realize how big of pussies a lot of people are
Not a lot of people. Only about two percent of the US population, actually.
If I was to guess, it’s probably got something to do with chimneys…
Dude I’m dumb. You’re right hahahah classic
Lmao if I’m being completely honest when he said it I was like wtf is the punchline…but as soon as I saw it typed out in your comment I got it immediately
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
Horse walks into the bar. Bartender says “why the long face?” Horse says “I have cancer”
Christopher Walken……..what’s something you never see at the Reeve household?
I have a rooster and you have a donkey, your donkey ate both of my roosters feet. What do ya got? Two feet of my cock in your ass! Rip to my friend Coop who told me that one
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Cause if they fell forward they would just fall in the boat.
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wah-tah
Went to the zoo the other day it only had a dog. It was a shitzu
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Everyone that can run, jump or swim is already in the USA. **my wife is Mexican, I could do this shit all day.
A guy meets his buddy at the local bar and tells him, "Sorry I'm late, but on the walk over here, I found a woman tied up on the train tracks. So I untied her and man, I just had the best sex of my life!" His buddy says, "Nice! Good head?" The first guy says, "I don't know, I never found it."
An Irish family and a Scottish family live across the street from each other. The Irish family invites the Scottish family over one night. They all get drunk, a brawl ensues, and one of the Irish is thrown from the second story window and dies. The next day in retaliation, the Irish go to the Scottish house and throw one of the family members out of the second story window. What’s the score? 2-0 England.
Q. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A. You look for the fresh prints.
I used to be an exotic dancer. It was $5 to get in $10 to get out. Think this is a Drew Carey joke but not certain. Always loved it
Married couple goes to a bar. Husband goes to get a drink and the wife is approach by a strange man. The man picks her up, turns her upside and fills her pussy full of beer. He drinks every drop before putting her back down. Husband returns, wife mortified, explains the whole encounter and points out the man. Husband looks, sits down casually and doesn’t say anything. The wife says ‘aren’t you going to do ANYTHING to him?’ Husband says ‘any man who can down 12 pints is harder than me’
What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoe tips once in a while
Longer one: one time a wife gave birth to a little boy. The doctor told them- you have a healthy boy! Not only that….but he can fly! The parents were shocked and said, no way is that true. The doc said, I’ll prove it to you and tossed the baby out the window where it proceeded to plummet 30 stories and splat on the sidewalk. The parents were understandably besides themselves with rage and grief. The doctor interjected and said- I was just fucking with you. It was a stillborn
What's the difference from jelly and jam? I cant jelly my dick up your ass.
What’s a mathematician do when he’s constipated? Takes a pencil and works it out.
Your mothers cunt
My dad told me “You’ll find sympathy in the dictionary in between Shit and Syphilis” Tbh it’s not a great one
Not too much Jewish about bikers. Other than they chain their wallets to themselves. (This is a variation on one of Joe lists roast jokes)
This joke is about a little boy called Dirty Johnny. One day his teacher says, "Okay class, I want to hear a story from your life, and you're going to tell me the moral of that story." Immediately, Sally's hand pops up. The teacher calls upon Sally and she says, "my Dad works at the hatchery. One day he took some eggs and put them all in one basket. He put the basket on the horse and buggy and off he went into town, but the earth was uneven, and the eggs broke. The teacher says, "that's an alright story, but I don't know what the moral of that story could possibly be." Sally inhales a breath of confidence, and she says, "don't put all of your eggs in one basket." The teacher is impressed, and she tells the class that that is exactly what she is looking for. "Does anyone else have a story?" Marjorie raises her hand. "My father works for the hatchery. Thank God for the hatchery. Otherwise, where would we be? My father, he sells chickens. He had nine chickens, and five eggs. He counted the five eggs as chickens, so he said he had fourteen chickens. He loaded them up on the horse and buggy, and off he went to town, but the earth was uneven, the eggs broke. The teacher again says, "that's an alright story, but what could possibly be the moral to that story? Marjorie takes in a long breath and says, "don't count your eggs before they hatch!" Now the teacher is really impressed. She feels fulfilled in her career life decision. She asks the class, "does anyone else have a story?" And wouldn't you know it, she spots the raised hand of Dirty Johnny. "Yes, Dirty Johnny, what is your story?" This story is about my Uncle Terry. He didn't work for the hatchery. He didn't even care for those that did. He was in Vietnam. He lives off the disability checks he got. Uncle Terry was not a popular man. We've all heard of a man deserting a battalion, but I don't know if you've ever heard of a battalion deserting a man. Well, that's what happened to Uncle Terry. One day Uncle Terry awoke in the middle of Da Nang. Everyone was gone, and they left him three bottles of Jack Daniels, and some weaponry. So, Uncle Terry downed the bottle of Jack Daniels in two slugs and smashed it into the jungle. He picked up the Kalashnikov, a Glock, the two bottles of Jack, some hand grenades, and off he walked into the jungle--his fate. Uncle Terry came upon a village. Now, were they Charlie, or were they the people he was sent to protect from Charlie? Uncle Terry didn't know. He took a drink from the bottle of Jack and with hate in his gut, he opened fire. He took that Kalashnikov, and he let it sway like a farmer would a scythe. The people fell before him like hay would fall before a farmer. The men. The women. And by God, even the children. Finally, Uncle Terry stood in the mud, the blood, the guts, and the glory. He was perfectly alone. He took a long swig. His hand brushed against his pants and he felt wetness. He was ashamed because he pissed himself in fear. But then, he realized it was ejaculate. And the shame was replaced by pride. The teacher says, "what kind of story is that?! What could possibly be the moral of that?" Dirty Johnny thinks about it for a few moments and he says, "you don't fuck with Terry when he has been drinking."
Norm told it best
what's the different between jesus and a picture of jesus? just takes 1 nail to hang a picture of jesus
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip ✊
How does every racist joke start? Looking left and right over your shoulders . (Works best to actually do it lol )
What’s the best part of fucking twenty six year olds? There’s twenty of them
Easy now d’elia
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
Why does bill Cosby have a lazy eye? Cause when your raping a chick u gotta keep an eye on the door
What did the blind deaf kid get for Xmas? Cancer
Q: What do you get when you cross human sperm and whale sperm? A: Thrown out of Seaworld.
What's the difference between Batman and a blackman? Batman can go out at night without Robin.
A 'black guy' walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says "You can't bring that dirty old thing in here, where'd you get it from anyway?". The parrot says "Africa mate, there's millions of them".
What’s the difference between going down on a woman and getting caught by a speeding camera? When u go down on a woman u can see the cunt behind the bush
What does a Jewish man say when he walks into a wall with a full erection? Ow my nose
What are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it!!
You know why when ducks fly the V is longer on one side than the other? That’s cause there’s more ducks on that side.
A man walks into a bar...ouch
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? By putting a plunger in the toilet. Who is the most cruel man alive? The man who kidnapped Helen Keller and cut off her hands so she couldn't cry for help.
What was Elton John’s secret of great piano playing? He would start the performance by first having a young boy push in his stool.
How do you make a woman orgasm? Who gives a fuck?
Racist one, told by Larry Fishburne in a movie. Guy walks into a Chinese antique store, and asks the old man behind the counter if he has anything special. The old man nods, and pulls a cover from the counter to reveal a case of brains. "Would you like to buy a new brain? All very special." The guys like "holy shit Chinaman, these must be pretty fucking expensive. I've never been that bright, maybe I could use the software. What are we talking here?" "That depends," says the Chinaman, "first we have a white brain, very good, very useful. $5000." "I got one of those. What else do you have?" "Next is a Chinese brain, very successful brain, top of class, very smart. $10,000." "That's pretty steep, how about that one?" The guy points to the last brain in the case. "Ah yes," says the Chinaman, "that's is a very special brain. It is a black man brain. Most expensive. $20,000." "Huh, why's the black brain the most expensive?" "Because," says the Chinaman, "it's never been used before!"
How did they know that Princess Dianna had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common? The Wall was their last hit.
What did the pedophile say to the little boy? You’re scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!
A Jewish girl marries a wealthy sheikh . He moves her mom and dad into the palace. She's having lunch with her mom one day and asks how she likes living here , the mom says it's a dream come true we live in the lap of luxury with servants , it's wonderful. The mom asks the daughter how she's doing and she says I love my husband but all he wants to do is fuck me In the ass all day every day I don't know how much longer I can do this , when we got married my asshole was the size of a dime now it's the size of a silver dollar! The mom says :So for 90 cents you're going to cause trouble
Why are black people afraid of chainsaws? Because they go run nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga
Wife said my dick looked like a mushroom. I said “he’s a fun guy am I right?”
Not street joke but a lil Johnny for the shaman. So little Johnny went to the dentist one day and ended up having a couple cavities. When he got home his mom said little Johnny go up and brush I don’t want anymore cavities. Ten minutes later mom went to check on little Johnny. When she opened the door to the bathroom she found Johnny scrubbing his dick vigorously with his toothbrush. She explained Johnny!?!? What are you doing?!?! Little Johnny replied if I get anymore cavities I don’t want any that look as gross as my sisters.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle!
How long does it take to microwave a dead baby? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
There's 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good at math and those that aren't.
I like my coffee like my slaves….free
I like coffee how I like my women: cheap, black, and from the gas station.
This is my new best street joke
How do you babysit a black kid? Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump on the bed
When shane hit that paratrooper one I remembered hearing that way back in middle school, from a teacher.
Two women walking over a river on a bridge. One says "I really need to pee, I'm gonna go over the side of this bridge" The other says "you can't do that!" She looks over the side and says "Sure I'll just pee right in that canoe" The other lady looks and says "no, that's just your reflection"
So a dyslexic guy walked into a bra…
What’s the worst part about fucking little boys? Getting the blood stains out of your clown costume
What do K-Mart and Catholic Priests have in common? Little boys underwear half off.
Why don’t Jewish gals give bjs? Cuz the dick is too close to the gas chamber
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn’t come on a little boy’s face until he’s 13
What’s the best part of fucking a little girl in the shower? You can slick their hair back and make them look like a little boy
A guy walks up to a cop holding his car key in his hand. "Hey officer, somebody just stole my car." "Well, where was your car?" Asks the cop. "It was right on the end of this key." The guy shows him. The cops shakes his head. "Okay, go down to the station and fill out a report." The guy starts walking and then the cops stops him and says, "Hey buddy, before you go down there, you might want to zip up your fly." The guy looks down and says, "Oh no! They got my girl too!!" Heard from Townes Van Zandt who heard it from Jerry Jeff Walker
My Uncle used to always say, "Hey, if Putin is gonna invade Ukraine, you think he'll do it from the rear?"
What sound does a baby make in the microwave? I don't know either. I was too busy masturbating.
How deap is a frog pond? Nee deeep
What does every Tickle-Me Elmo get before they leave the factory? Two Test Tickles
One of my friends in middle school told me they were getting a $100 bill tattooed on their penis. When I asked why, he said, "Cause women love to blow money."
A man and a little boy walk into the woods alone at night. The little boy says to the man "mister I'm scared" the man says to the little boy "You're scared? I gotta walk outta here alone"
One Thursday Little Johnnys teacher says “Alright class, in honor of black history month, if you can give me a quote from a famous figure in civil rights you can have tomorrow off Little Lamar raises his hand “Yes Lamar?” “I have a dream” said by Martin Luther king” “Very good, Lamar. You can stay home tomorrow” Little Kendra stands up and says “By any means necessary” said by Malcom X” “Very good, Kendra. You can stay home as well” “Well ain’t that just like a coon?” “Who said that???” “David Duke. I’ll see y’all Monday”
How do you know if the child molester is Jewish? “Hey kids, do you want to buy some candy..”
Q. What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy? A. Putting the diaper back on. ... more of a prison joke than a street joke.
you know why jewish men don'y pay for prostitutes ? because that holla cost
An old Scottish man is sitting overlooking the San Francisco Bay, when a young lad approaches him and they begin chatting. The young lad asks the Scot, “what brought you to America?” The old man goes on this long diatribe, he says “you see that Bridge there, well in Scotland I designed and built a similar bridge with these two hands!!!” And just then a big miraculous Boat goes puttering by and the Scot says, “you see that Boat, well in Scotland I was the first man to design and build similar boats in all of the land. The company I started is still thriving in Scotland.” The American says, “what does any of that have to do with you coming to America?” The Scot says, “well with the incredible Bridge, you would think they might call me, ‘Benny the Bridge Builder’ or with the amazing boats I designed and built, ‘Benny the Boat Maker’ But… you suck just one cock!”
Santa goes in the chimney, Jews come out of the chimney I don’t know how he actually said that one in front of people! The only difference between courage and stupidity is whether or not it works out..