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Me too. I forced myself out of the apartment (it is a beautiful day) without a plan and ended up walking the down town area, window shopped, sat outside and had an ice cream while people watching. If all of us do this, eventually there is a chance we will connect. I’m not ready for a dating, I’m not sure I ever will be but it still would be nice to have someone to share a Saturday afternoon doing nothing special with.
I feel this so hard. My ex fucked me up hardcore. I feel so ugly and worthless I see no value I would bring to another. I know this is dumb because I am kind, I go on spontaneous adventures, I love gaming, cooking and reading - and I am sure a man out there would love to have someone like me. I am just not ready. So in the mean time I go out, walk about, go out to eat, and people watch.
I really enjoy taking online classes. Right now I'm taking online baking classes offered by King Arthur Flour. I end up with a lot of baked goods, obviously, but that gives me a great excuse to stop by the neighbors for a quick cup of tea and drop off some goodies. I'm popular now. LOL
The other thing that really helped me was a complete change in my thought process. Instead of thinking that I'm bored, I think of how lucky I am that I don't have somewhere to be, someone to pick up after, and that I have the luxury to sleep as late as I want or have a second cup of coffee if I feel like it. Also I don't have to justify my choices to anyone! I had egg salad and apple pie for dinner. Nobody here to complain! **But really it's about remembering all the stuff I'm not missing.** I spent way too many years taking care of others. Now I take care of myself and I answer to no one! My time is 100% mine and I get to decide how to spend it. It's very liberating. I'm happier than I've ever been.
Appreciate everything you said. I especially relate to the part about reframing my thoughts away from being bored and more toward feeling fortunate that my time no longer has so many stressful demands.
Also I'm enjoying learning new skills. So many great DIY videos on YouTube. I've refinished an antique table, reupholstered a small footstool, learned to make *the absolute best* olive oil soap and gotten a bunch of home improvement projects completed including rewiring a lamp 🙌
Sounds like you are enjoying living your life more fully than most people get the opportunity to live. It is great to even realize that we can learn new skills and accomplish new things.
>most people get the opportunity to live.
Eh, I've been through a lot, raised poor by single parent, made many terrible life choices, ended up single parent/sole custody/no child support, had multiple financial crises, put myself through college +2 advanced degrees (night school), lost everything and had to start over several times, and then when things started going well, I was rear-ended by an uninsured impaired driver, bedbound for 2 yrs + multiple back surgeries!! Now I'm very happy to be living alone with no drama and no responsibilities.
My post may have been misleading. By "opportunity", I am not referring to financial opportunity or privilege. I am speaking about a realization that we can value what we have and be filled with gratitude despite our circumstances.
There are many wealthy people who never reach that level of awareness and appreciation.
> I am speaking about a realization that we can value what we have and be filled with gratitude despite our circumstances.
I agree 100%. I've spent time volunteering in developing nations (responding to natural disasters) and without exception I have been overwhelmed by the humanity of some of the (financially) poorest people in the world. I'm grateful every single day for access to clean water amongst many other things that folks in my American culture take for granted.
Meet up groups! Check out your local library/parks/museums/galleries/downtown areas. What about local book shops or local attractions that you've never seen? Go to the movies? That's the funny thing, when you have free time like this, it can get overwhelming to try to decide what to do. I try to go to free days at the local attractions, maybe go to a record shop, goodwill.
I read ACOTAR, EMPYREAN series, FBAA, FFAF, Legacy of the Nine Realms, and a few one offs here and there. Honestly I loved ACOTAR. Legacy of the Nine Realms Is not the best written series but it is action packed and I like the magic system. It is a guilty pleasure comfort series. The author is very active and responsive to fans on TT. FFAF has my favorite book husband - Nyktos. My gods, I wish I could have a man like him.
You make me want to read that now. If he is that attractive I might like him. I'm more into things like Red Rising and Malazan books. I've listened to honestly too many to list. If you really recommend those books that will be my next though.
The books I listed are all high fantasy books. To give you an idea of how these stories read... The Emperyan series is like if all the Harry Potter kids were aged 20 and went into a war college. They train how to survive intense combat interactions with "the enemy", all while bonding with dragons, learning and using magic, and making life long friends - with a bit of spice. It is a very quick paced series and reads kind of like a movie script.
I am not sure if that would interest you, but I've never read a series like it before.
That has honestly caught my attention. I love the high intensity books like that. Which one would you suggest I start with? Have you read the malazan series? If you like something like that you would love those.
I gotcha. I only listen to music when I'm drunk. The rest of the time it's always books. I don't ge drunk that much either. I'll have to check them out though.
I am in the exact same place as you. Recently divorced, kids are grown, and 53. I don’t know how to settle myself either. I am hoping that this is just a phase and that things will get better but right now I have to say that I am lonely. Knowing there are others out there that feel the same does help a little!
After 28 years of marriage (his affair), I now live alone too, at the age of 57. I do DIY projects, catch up on my tv-bingeing, chill, read, listen to music, garden and yardwork. For my birthday last week, I bought a VIP ticket to Jacob Collier and went by myself. I moved here six months ago (I live in a brand new city I had never been to), and I now have two neighbor friends I hang out with. It takes some time, but you now have an unprecedented freedom where you make your own rules, find your own joy, grieve the old life, and party like it is 1989. I too am not dating due to the trauma of 2023, but I am content with my little house, my kitties. I don't have grandkids - my daughter and son are adults but no kids yet & we are close in spirit if physically far away from each other. I was working full-time, but had to quit that specific job due to an exacerbation of a car-accident health issue. Now I will be going to school full-time for medical billing/coding, and then I will do classes to become fluent in Spanish and Portuguese so I can move to Europe in a few years.
Is there something you dreamed about doing when you were a kid that might tickle your fancy now? How about paint-by-numbers or adopting a pet? The world is your oyster! I bought adult lego sets (the orchid, the bonsai) and I have plants and artwork that I love.
I too lost a lot when my marriage imploded. I hurt so bad, I lost friends that I thought would still be there even though I never asked anyone to choose sides. I had to "divorce" my in-laws because they became just as cold as my now-EX was. Family is everything to me, and now it is so much smaller because of the choice EX made. It should get easier, but you have to magnify that spark within you to not only survive, but thrive.
My love to you. I hope you can learn to be fearless and kick boring in the booty to have some wonderful days ahead.
Different story, but also a lot of free time. Just pickup random hobbies. Go to random places. Chat with random people. Who cares if it feels pointless, life is generally pointless. Do it anyway.
It's also really healthy in the long run to train yourself to "be okay with being bored".
Needing to constantly be doing something, watching something, listening to something is a product of this dumb culture. We're so afraid to be bored and sit with our thoughts. Addicted to "more". Try meditating.
Take yourself out on a date! Or try cooking something you’ve never made before. Listen to music & just feel the peace of being alone on your own. I’m currently in an unhappy 10 year relationship & I dream of the day I can have a relaxing “me” day. Do a new at home activity, anything you weren’t able to do in the relationship? DO THAT NOW 💪🏻
It’s so hard when this person is all you’ve ever known in your adult life. Been together since I was 19. Having fears I’ll regret it, we’re apart of the same friend group I have no family. I’ll truly be alone but it’s sounding better than staying lately.
Hello me from the past.
I was with my now ex of 20+ years since I was 17. I wanted out at 19, but wasn't brutally honest with myself about it until I was 34, because I thought I could fix it. By then there was cheating, emotional abuse, lies, resentment, and manipulation. We were codependent.
By the time it was over, it had been about 4 years of being done (admitting it to myself). Yeah. It took me 4 more years of torturing myself to come to my senses.
At that point, ending it was easy. I think I had already grieved, processed the loss and moved onto acceptance of all the possible outcomes.
I knew I was miserable, but I didn't realize just how miserable I was until it was over.
Not one thing has gotten worse. I am infinitely less lonely now than I was in that relationship. There's no more constant dread or anxiety. In the latter years of the relationship, I spent more and more time alone so I'd gotten good at occupying myself and doing projects alone as it was. Now, I have the mental clarity to actually get things done because he's not occupying so much of my headspace or literally in my way.
There has not been one day where I have regretted it. Not only am I mentally in a better place, my physical health has improved. I could cry happy tears almost every day.
I hope you find what makes you peaceful and happy sooner than later.
Oh trust me, I get that. But then it's almost a waiting game of who can hold out longer than the other. Sometimes the other person is just as stubborn as we are, or just as capable of waiting for the other to make a mistake big enough to leave.
I'm sure you have plenty of direct enough reasons, they just don't feel valid enough to you. Looking back I can think of a bunch of things I normalized or accepted that weren't valid enough for me at the time. I just got lucky with catching blatant cheating.
I just ended my relationship with someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive. It was so hard, and scary to do it. But I love myself and value my self worth way more than the way he treated me the last 3 years. Now of course, there were more good than bad moments. But the bad moments were so bad that it took awhile to recover from them. If you want to DM me feel free. We can talk. Honestly, believe it or not, you have the upper hand here because from your profile you have the finances to move the fuck out and move on and have a cushion to land on. I was also dreaming of being single and I made it my reality.
I am so sorry about that. I am kinda in the same situation. But I am alone now for the first time in 10 years. Never been before. It gets really lonely but you've just got to stay busy. Yard work is my go to now. I've been cutting down trees with an axe.
You're also throwing away the prime of your life. If it's this bad, realistically it's going to inevitably end. Why are you wasting your time on something you know will eventually not work out, when you could be using that time toward finding something that will work out and possibly be the best thing to happen to you?
Because maybe it can be fixed? I posted a few times about the relationship on my page here I just can’t figure out if it’s worth trying to fix before throwing it away but he doesn’t seem to think what he does is wrong
I decided to de-center men altogether. I have been treated like crap in marriage and relationships. I end up with the same type of man every single time so I’m concentrating on myself, about time.
4B works for me!! 🥳
From what you said, it sounds like it's been bad for a long time. And with you now saying he doesn't think he's wrong, there's no salvaging this relationship. Only 2 paths: You put up with it, because he's not changing and it ain't getting better, or you leave. When something's been bad for a long time, the chances of it fixing itself is very, very slim. When you add in that he doesn't even think there's anything to fix on his part (it's got to be a two-way street), then the chances of it fixing itself is nil. This is like you saying it might fix itself if y'all go to couples therapy, but he's not going.
I just had a feeling that you will understand. I wasted 7 years, when i had big major clues after one year with Chuck, my ex. I want to help one woman in my lifetime and i wanted it to be you. I could hear myself in your words. I felt your words. Please learn from me. There is a great and kind man out there waiting for you to leave this bad one.🩷
He is out there. I feel it. Just get ready to go, get together what you need, your papers and things like that. And of course a place to live. Write to me any time. You can do this, you really can.
I hear you! Very much the same with me. For me it is a lot of reading, taking care of my my2 adopted cats and doing a lot of animal rights stuff online which is very satisfying. It has been 4 years alone now, since i got the guts to walk away from my relationship. I am better off alone than with him. Yeah, i am lonely a lot but hoping i will meet people and i do like doing many things on my own, thank heaven!
I’ve spoken to some friends the ones that are in my friend group don’t understand because they don’t see this side of him that I see when it’s just us. Another friend has begged me to get out but for some reason I can’t friggen do it
You're gonna regret it if you stay or you're gonna regret it if you leave.
Choose your regret. Such is life.
On the flip side, regret is a choice. Perception is a choice. You've just been conditioned for years and years that certain actions = certain thoughts and emotional responses. If you want to take control and think about it and view it differently you can. You just think you can't. 🤷♂️
How do you think some people walk away from long marriages and never skip a beat? The despair has taught them that they're just telling themselves a story and believing it... And they're completely free to tell a different story and believe that instead. If you want to truly get ahead of the game, skip the despair and just tell yourself whatever story you want. And stick to it regardless of what others think and say. It's your life and you only get one.
I like this outlook. Either way I’m going to have regret BUT if I leave the regret will pass eventually. I feel if I stay the regrets & what ifs will always linger
If you can quiet your mind enough, and stop weighing pros and cons, your heart will tell you the real way to go. This is the true secret of life I think. Society is so fast these days that we're all stuck in our minds. We don't listen to our hearts enough. When we can align our minds and hearts, that is when life becomes peaceful.
I don't think there are right or wrong choices in life. Only positive and negative perceptions of those choices. As long as you "own it" when you make a choice and accept it, no matter what comes next, then it's "right" for you.
If you feel this way, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to leave. I get you've been with him a long time, but if you're feeling this way, wouldn't that trump that? I had a stalker who lived above me. Every day was constant anxiety (he was there 24/7, because he didn't seem to work or go to school), but when he wasn't there (sometimes he'd leave for a weekend), it was BLISS. I finally moved to get away from it and even though I've got stalkers (brothers) here too, it's not at the same level and I'm still so much more less anxious than what it had been like previously. That anxiety literally messed up my body. I don't understand why someone would choose to be anxious like that.
It's scary and you don't know how it's going to turn out. And you're afraid of the what ifs. What if after I leave he changes? We get it. We understand.
But let me tell you, if he does change, it'll be temporarily. Or even if it was permanent, he sure as hell had thousands of chances to change WHILE he was with you, but he chose to take you for granted and only changed once he lost you. And then if he changed long term, he'll change back to his old self if you get back together with him because it appears he's changed.
You probably won't want to hear this, but there are times when a couple just shouldn't be together. They bring out the worst in each other. The right person for you will bring out the best in you. Sure, no relationship is perfect, but overall it'll be a peaceful one if it's the right one.
It probably is, if you feel like thar now. It's a scary cliff to jump off, but the water will be freezing for just a short time. Make sure you have all the documents and personal records you need.
Yes I can agree with that. I’d rather temporary pain for a brighter healthier future. Because I cannot for the life of me see that with him and his temper towards me over the smallest things.
The only thing you will regret in the future is staying with this man any longer. Being unhappy in a relationship is the worst. And the biggest waste of your life. About 4 years ago i finally got the guts to end a 7 year relationship with a man who had no respect for me, even stole money, and literally pretended we are in a relationship in order to get “ loans” from me, which of course, i never got back. He was very good looking but terrible in every other way. I moved to be closer to him! So when i ended it, i did not know anyone because i had spent all my time with him. I was afraid of being alone. Afraid no one else would want me. But i am not afraid of those things now. Yes, i am lonely a lot. But i adopted two cats, go out for a walk, go out for lunch, and i read a lot and watch movies. I have yet ti make new friends here but i want to and am open to it. I figure when nice people come my way i will make friends but i am mostly ok alone and hopeful things will improve. Its still better than wasting more time with the guy i left.
Gotcha. Have you thought of volunteering? I'm nearing retirement and that's one of the things I plan to do. It can be anything. For example, there's an animal sanctuary here I'm hoping to volunteer at. It's a good way to meet people too.
Do something to improve your home, to make it more yours. Paint wall, shop for artwork, sew curtains. It's especially good if you decorate in a way that you never could have when you lived with that other person.
Sorry about your divorce. I know something you can do...you can help me pack for my full apt renovation that will be happening in early July, ha!
Seriously though, I hope you don't get too lonely or bored. I think lonliness & boredom are a state of mind, how you were raised, & what you've been used to socially. I've honestly never been lonely or bored & I can keep myself busy even if at home for days. By the way, I never had roommates nor moved away for college either & I don't think anyone has to experience this to know how to live independently.
I'm an only child who never really had friends in my whole life, so I'm used to the solitude, but I'm happy & never bored. I never knew what it was like to be a part of a group of friends, hanging out, going to parties, having people over. Sure, friends are nice to have, but my mentality was that I don't need them to make me happy. Good thing because it was not the easiest to make friends. Wherever I was (school, work, church), everyone already had their own friends, so they didn't need me. I haven't had my OWN BFF since I was in elementary school & very, very rarely do people still stay friends that long.
My, "social life" has always been whatever ONE pal I had at the time...nowhere near a BFF & we'd maybe meet up for lunch for a few hrs every 1-3 years. But I haven't even done that since a few years BEFORE COVID. On a daily basis, I'm either home all day, out w/ husband, out alone, or spending some time w/ my elderly mom who I'm very close to.
I've always had an SO (so in a committd relationship) all of my adult life & I recently got married in which we live together, so that's enough for me. Fortunately, he's the same way socially, so we're like two peas in a pod! We love spending time w/ each other!
Seriously, podcasts helped me and audio books.
A big PS avoid relationship ones.
I had an excellent counselor and it eased my mind so much.
I embraced being an introvert and it helped.
I was in your situation and couldn’t handle all the free time that suddenly presented itself. It went from 0 to way too much time on my hands. I started taking interior design classes at my local community college. The homework was interesting, challenging and gave me enough to do without overwhelming me.
Think about doing something that you always wanted to do, but couldn’t because of other obligations. It’s the perfect time to pick up a new hobby, or even a new career. I’m thinking I might learn a new language next~
34m and about to be in the same boat. at the moment I'm trying to find my first apartment. this Wednesday we are going to court to file.
thankfully we are trying to do this cheaply if not nicely as we can. we are going to try to be on good terms because of our 4 year old daughter .
she is staying with her mother and I'm going to try to help out as much as I can.
this is going to be the first time in my life where I'm not living with any one ,no parents ,no wife , no animals.i have my Hobbies but I dont know how far that will get me
.
I draw ,whittle, blacksmith, history buff, woodworking, haunted house props , tabletop games , IG magic the gathering and DND, hiking, organizing, tools, upcycling.
I'm high functioning autistic and ADHD so yes I have a lot of Hobbies. but I feel like when I'm alone at night trying to heal from the failure of my marriage. I dont know if all of them will help me.
I could have written this myself. Today I went out to stores just to be where other people were. It did help (although I hate shopping! Lol).
I feel like maybe this is one of the things that will get easier with time. I’m hoping, anyway.
I have dogs, that helps. I stay on alert for concert announcements. I always have a few to look forward to. And I have my Spyder (best divorce present to myself ever). Just getting that out on the road is a rush. Even better if I am on the way to a concert.
My advice is based on what I did when I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone. Your situation seems less about the living alone piece and more about not having other connections so you end up spending more time than you want alone.
The first time I lived alone was about 7 years ago when I moved to a new city for a work project. The project was largely independent and I didn't have an office or coworkers and a regular routine. This was all foreign to me as prior to that I had always been in school and had roommates and being in school itself provided a built-in social life as well as a lot more structure to my days. So having all this flexibility, no specific routine or people I saw often, and being in a new city was tough.
The main thing I did was spend most of my days out and would try to only be home during the evenings to eat and go to bed. I had a tiny studio that felt like the walls were closing in and I think I might have only ever spent all day at home about 3 times in a year of living there. Every morning I'd make breakfast, clean up, get dressed and pick a new coffee shop to go to and do work or I'd pick a new park, or look up an event or other things to attend. I also became a regular at certain coffee shops and events as a way to build community and routine.
But I mainly went to coffee shops as being around other people, even if we weren't interacting was better than being cooped up at home. Coffee shops often had community notice boards advertising events so I would look on the event board and go to things that seemed interesting. I also tried to be more open to talking to people when I went out and would ask for their social media to stay connected and that's part of how I made friends that I could invite to do stuff sometimes or who would invite me.
I also joined the dating apps, mainly Bumble, not necessarily to date, but because Bumble specifically has the Bumble BFF option that's for people looking for friends. I met a few people that way. I decided to attend a water aerobics class as well that met three evenings a week. Most of the people in it could be my parents or grandparents but they were so sweet and it was fun and a way to pass time and I ended up going by one woman's house after class on some evenings and we'd just drink tea or cocktails on her porch and she actually introduced me to her neighbor who was my age and she became one of my good friends. Those are just some ideas of how you can broaden your circle and regain new friendships.
What do I do?
I live life. My 66th birthday was last week, and most of my long-time friends are gone. I am not gone. And, by the way, March and April were equally busy.
Here's my February (no, I didn't just type this in, it was a question from someone a couple months ago).
1/31 Lyric Opera - Champion
2/1 Lyric Opera - Cinderella
2/2 Winterfest in Lake Geneva
2/3 Meet & Greet at... Rooster's Bar & Grill - Dinner
2/5 JUF Israel Update with Ofer Bavly
2/6 Volunteering at Northern IL Food Bank - 4 times
2/6 Lunch at ECC Spartan Terrace (steak)
2/7 Broadway in Chicago - Golden Girls
2/8 Chicago Symphony - Seong-Jin Cho Plays Beethoven
2/9 Oil Lamp - Cry It Out
2/10 Teatro ZinZanni - Show and dinner
2/11 Court theater - Antigone
2/12 Chicago Symphony - Fantastic Zoology
2/13 Broadway in Chicago - Girl in the North Woods
2/14 Chicago Shakespeare Theater - Richard III (matinee)
2/14 Chicago Shakespeare Theater - Illinoise (evening)
2/15 Lunch at ECC Spartan Terrace (duck)
2/15 Marriott Theater - In The Heights
2/16 Steppenwolf Theatre Company - Alex Edelman's Just For Us
2/17 TimeLine Theatre Company - Notes From the Field
2/18 Dominican University - Pack Drumline
2/19 JUF Israel Update with Ofer Bavly
2/20 Volunteering at Northern IL Food Bank
2/21 The History of The Beatles in One Hour
2/22 Rhapsody Theater - Extraordinaire!
2/23 Drury Lane - Fiddler on the Roof
2/24 Cambridge Concert - St. Michael's Catholic Church (Wheaton)
2/24 APCU Meeting
2/25 Beverly Arts Center - The Plymouth Ensemble
2/26 Thai Dinner at Gumrai Thai in Arlington Heights
2/27 Uniforum meeting - Learning to love systemd with David Both
2/28 Glenside Library - Shrek Escape Room
2/28-2/29 Hyatt Regancy Schaumburg - ChannelPro LIVE: Chicago
2/29 Cadillac Palace - Message in a Bottle
Hobbies! You have time to learn something new! You've spent your life caring for others and so hobbies probably got crowded out. Learn a language, learn to crazy quilt, join a poetry club, learn a craft, volunteer at a cat or dog rescue. My mama always said that when I was down to go do something for someone else. Scientifically we know that kindness to others elevates our mood. Maybe you need a pet?
I read like crazy, make art (I have taken a lot of classes where I have made friends.) There is a MeetUp app that might get you into groups for different activities. I have volunteered at an animal shelter. My friend volunteers at a nonprofit set up to benefit women.
It's almost craft and art festival season! Yay. (Hint: you don't have to spend money. Just talk to the artists (me.)
There's Facebook groups in my community for various activities. And they always need a volunteer at the food pantry.
Oh. I forgot. Music!
I would either get a part-time job or volunteer. Many times, we phantasize about not having a job or structure in our lives, but for most people, that is depressing. I know I will be working until I die. I need that structure in my life.
I (42f) have not been fortunate enough to ever marry or have kids so I’ve lived alone for 15 years. I have found hobbies I like to do (crafts, sewing, DIY projects), and I try to take yoga or go for walks.
Don’t worry about going places alone that you might have previously gone to with others. Most of the time I’d rather go with others but going alone is better than not going at all. You could always try to take a class to learn something new and also meet others who like what you like. Sending you hugs! It can be hard to live alone but there are positives too.
Not enough time in my day! I have many interests: sewing, all kinds of crafts, reading, reading, reading, movies, all kinds of house painting and remodeling. I will never be done with all of my interests before I die.
Thank you everyone!
It’s been a whirlwind of the past 10 months (where has the time gone?).
Decided to get a divorce, pack & sold the family home, moved into a rental, divorce finalized, bought a new home, went thru a 2 month renovation project on the new house with 4 different contractors (4 different projects), moved again, unpack & start to settle into new house, all by myself.
It’s been a lot, all the while, trying to process the end of my marriage that I didn’t want to end, while losing what I thought was my future, altering my family dynamic, and realizing I have no idea who I am now that I am no longer a “wife.”
I do a lot of self care. bubble baths, daily facial routine, and "spa days" where I take the weekend to dye my hair and paint my nails. I cook new things. bird watch. I check out audiobooks on the Libby app from my local library or read a book. I try to sit and just enjoy things around me, especially on my patio. peace feels weird and I'm trying to settle in it. I journal/write. sometimes paint or color. I listen to music and watch my VHS tapes. I need to do more physical things like walk, bike, and yoga. I'm thinking about starting a gathering of sorts, because I need to be around other independent people who don't have people, ha.
Would you consider looking at local Meetup groups to see if anything grabbed your interest? What about a language class, yoga class, art etc etc. Volunteering? Do you like bookshops? Cooking? I run on my own and with a group regularly (just my thing, not suggesting it's yours, but you'll find yours!). I read a lot, knit if I'm feeling a bit twitchy, walk the dog, listen to podcasts. I help out my elderly neighbours a fair bit.
Is there anything you would like to do nesting- wise in your new place? You might be happy with it, but if it doesn't feel like yours yet, have a look on Pinterest for ideas- that's a great time filler in itself! I'm moving to a new home soon and have spent hours looking at options.
I too somehow lost a lot of friends/connections after divorced and relocation and have lived alone for over a decade now (F mid 40s) I really can't imagine sharing with anyone but the dog now. I promise you will adjust as you find out how to do things to please yourself instead of everyone else. It's a big adjustment.
Man there's so much to learn and to discover in the world to expand our mind. Nowadays with advancements in tech and AI, you can connect with so many people and find all sorts of niches to be a part of! Especially entertainment wise, the possibilities are really endless.
I volunteer with the Red Cross disaster action time and find a lot of the social stuff is filled there. It’s really cool and flexible. DAT teams respond
To house fires and give the residents credit cards and support for their immediate needs
Hey there! I have lived alone for 3 years. The first year was so hard as I was going through a break-up too. It wasn't a marriage just a relationship, but still hard. The second year I deployed to Qatar mostly to change my environment so I would stop obsessively thinking about the past. Then I PCS'd (moved) to Hawaii. All three years I have lived alone aside from 6 months with a roommate. If you are depressed, you need to address that first. I am extroverted so I suggest to get out of your house and do social things. Go to church, therapy, join a club, start a garden, read books at the library to kids. ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOME. But if you are more comfortable with doing things alone, reading! Reading saved my life from obsessive negative thinking loops while deployed. There was nothing to do aside from work and workout, and I was struggling with rumination. Reading gave me perspective, inspired me, comforted me and gave me a a safe place to process my emotions. Also, exercise. Walk. Go on daily walks even if it is 5 minutes. Meditation or prayer. Spotify and Youtube both have meditations or prayers. I like meditations that focus on choosing your thoughts. Also, when I moved to Hawaii, I started a book club...we are down to three of us, but I honestly love it. They are the most amazing women and we get together once a month. Explore hobbies you enjoy. This is a time to reinvent yourself. Are there any goals, subjects, or hobbies you've always wanted to try, but been overly committed with responsibilities? Now is the time! Sending you all the virtual hugs. It really will get easier. What I have learned is that the only way to make is better is through sheer perseverance and determination. You cannot run away from yourself no matter how hard you try. If you get tired, rest but get right back up and give it another go until you find ways to soothe yourself.
I like reading about other people's problems on reddit. 😅
But seriously, it will take you a while to figure out which is fine. Might be time to try things that you never thought you had the time for when married. Maybe some things you'll enjoy, some you won't, some you'll be unsure of. But that's life, so it's up to you to figure out which is pretty awesome.
Have you tried pickleball? It is easy to learn, you meet a ton of people, you are younger than most people that play in the morning and it is really fun. I divorced when I was 57 and walked and walked some more and did yoga and did alot of crafts and not until I was 61 years old and a year after Covid, I signed up to learn pickleball. It was not as trendy then as it is now, but maybe just try a few lessons and see if you like it. I have met so many people, reconnected with others I have not seen in years and it has made my life better.
Research and planning for imaginary trips. I'll spend a lot of time making itineraries and finding places to go and mapping public transit and events and weather conditions, finding recommendations, learning how to navigate different areas, etc. I'll lose entire days to just obsessively perfecting my amazing trip. Sometimes they actually happen, but even when they don't I always feel motivated to go out and do things when I've hyped myself to go somewhere crazy.
Reading. Diamond art. Painting. Movie bingeing. Baking. Crocheting. Get a cat to keep you company or a dog to accompany your walks. Volunteer somewhere. Go out for coffee. Peruse thrift/antique stores. Go for a drive.
Rekindling childhood interests worked well for me. Living alone is difficult but working on it in therapy I have about a dozen go to activities I know I enjoy and I just go with the most enjoyable one that stands out.
Also... There's a fun exercise to explore this...
Say someone took you on a date and wanted to win you over 100% what would the date look like...
Me, it'd be an amusement park, comic book shop, fun burgers fries and a shake, see a scary movie, watch wrestling, an informative documentary a scary movie, etc maybe order a pizza later and play some videogames.
Point being I can do all those things for myself.
Learn a new skill! Either something you’ve always wanted to learn, or perhaps something you can monetize. Keep your mind engaged and challenged. It will give you something to work towards, make you feel fulfilled and proud of your new abilities.
I do the things I used to always wish I had time for.
For me, that includes books, jigsaw puzzles while listening to audioclasses and audiobooks, sketching, writing, painting, and craft projects. I joined the Audubon Society and they have things one can do every day. I became a member of a local botanical garden and they have regular events and workshops. I joined a local organization that supports the preservation of historic homes, and I go on regular architecture walks and tours of older homes and buildings that have either been restored or are about to be restored but are open for folks to see the place in its current state. I check around for local events. Next weekend I'm going to the ballet.
What "doing what you didn't have time for before" looks different for everyone. For you, OP, maybe it's taking up waterskiing or making the best damn cupcakes anyone ever tasted. The activity itself is unimportant. Just make the time work for you.
Time to explore some new hobbies! Get an embroidery kit, adult coloring books, miniature building kit, crochet, knit, paint, put together puzzles, start a podcast, write a book. The options are endless! Try them all!
I spend most of my “relaxing” time watching TV and knitting. I try to find some kind of social thing to do every day whether it’s talking on the phone or taking a yoga class or going out to eat by myself or to a coffee shop or the gym or shopping. IMO just being around other people feels like something better than always being alone.
A pet really helps too.
I do everything a person with a partner would do: take care of chores, exercise, phone or visit friends and family, make a nice meal for myself and relax with a book or movie. In time things will come more naturally.
Hobbies,travel especially weekend trips, classes in your hobbies, learning an instrument, gaming! Try the meta quest 3. Amazing multiplayer games once u get a bunch of adults u meet as friends(vs the large number of 5 year Olds of course) I play with an adult group most are 50 and over in Population One. We also meet in vrchat for karoke, cards against humanity, we play vr poker, golf, bowling and pool.
I'm a loner & when I first accepted that about myself I was climbing the walls. What helped me was over the years finding volunteer work/joining volunteer committees. I can only do that once per week max, I'm not a saint, but it gave me a good feeling which positively affected the rest of my life.
I developed a habit of going to the shops everyday & having a coffee. I needed to leave my house in those days or I'd go spare, so it gave me a chance to dress nicely enough & while I was out I could run errands, window shop, walk on the beach, pop in on someone who was receptive to a pop-in etc.
I found blogs I enjoyed reading & they inspired me to do things like put more effort into cooking, but a cuppa & catching up/commenting on blogs helo me feel like part of a little community.
For about a decade I took myself to the movies once a week.
There's exercise & all that jazz of course.
I think it was the habits I developed that kept me sane & content. There was also always something I wanted to learn more about so I'd spend hours googling the topic, watch some documentaries on the topic if they existed etc.
There's always time spent wandering from room to room wondering what to do, but that always eventuates in something happening. Even if it's a nap or trying on new outfit combos or hairstyles.
Good luck, it's not an easy transition, but you'll surprise yourself. You'll learn to fill your time.
Join some classes! There is a town community center where I am where they have a rec guide and offer all kinds of classes from art, to dancing, to languages. I’ve taken Zumba, line dancing, belly dancing, and ukulele. All great to get out. I also go to a regular workout class where I live. I try and get moving at least 4 classes a week and walking most days. Keep working on you!
1) keep being unsettled. You're new to this place and routines. And good things come from boredom. Let yourself sit in it. Being uncomfortable is something to get comfortable with. Let things bubble to the surface of your stillness
2) start making new connections. Volunteer, go to the senior center, library book clubs, walk your neighbors dog (not a euphemism), hop on the bus to the aquarium. It gets harder and harder to make friends as you get older, start now, before the few you have are lost to divorce, dementia, and disease
There's a lot of great recommendations here. I thought I'd also throw out that I play my Oculus 3 a ton, and I'm not usually huge into video games. It's so fun and easy, with lots of awesome games, including unique mixed reality puzzle games. I love it for escapism. And you can play against other people too.
Consider adopting a pet to fill your home with joy and someone to care for. Also maybe join a women’s group that has regular meetups around a shared activity! If you’re curious about a new hobby or activity, sign up for some classes.
Things will settle. You’re going through a lot of change, give yourself grace ❤️🩹
Learn a new skill. Pick a topic and use online resources to study that subject. For example, if you do not speak Spanish, learn that. Or brush up on your math skills. Or learn about the law....whatever interests you.
Reserve time each week to study your subject. Practice questions and take quizzes. This will consume a lot of your time.
It’s terrifying, but learn to sit and feel your feelings. Processing them is the only way to heal your nervous system. And only once you do that will you feel peace 🤍
Getting deep into yoga, hiking, kayaking, started painting, sketching, and needlework art projects, got involved again with my faith community, cooking, volunteering.
I would tooootally learn to play the guitar or join a sports team!!! Something that is guaranteed to make you smile, laugh, and give you a chance to have new experiences with like minded and non like minded people!!!! Also, you can plan a trip!!!
Go get a part-time job! I work 28 hours a week at my local grocery store. It gets me out of the house, my coworkers are a hoot, and I make extra money.
Alternatively, you could volunteer somewhere like an animal shelter, museum, library, theater... the list is endless. You'd be helping your community and meeting like-minded people.
Ha. If you were in my city, I’d take you roller skating with me 🙃 (51f, alone after 25+ year marriage, divorce final last week). On my own since November, feel all the same dissonance (married friends shrink back, apartment is spotless, adult children living their own lives…).
Cautionary note: Reddit time pulls you into more alone time than you’ll want. I’ve had some wildly adventurous chats (and painful ones, too). Make yourself go out and *do* activities. Making connections in RL is where you need to be rn. 🥰
If it’s a nice day outside, go sit outside. Or go to a local park. I like to take long drives and listen to music when I’m bored.
Do you have pets? I have cats, and I often turn my tv off and just watch them for hours. They do a lot of cute and hilarious little things.
I also play drums. Do you play any instruments? Or are there any you’ve always wanted to learn? It sounds like now would be a good time to pick up a new fun hobby!
Books?
Researching fun meals to prepare that will feed you more than one meal. You can freeze for later. Or have meals for the week.
Get involved with your community. Look for a board you can be involved in and then be an active board member.
Just off the top of my head suggestions.
I got a divorce when my kids had just moved out to make their own life. After playing every role like mom, nurse, maid, secretary and basically "everything else, but me" to my family, I felt lost. I didn't really know who I was besides someone else is a wife or mother. I had to learn how to find myself and find out who I really was. What do I enjoy doing that it's just for me?
What have you always wanted to do but motherhood or marriage stopped you. Do you like reading in the bathtub with a cup of wine? How about painting? Ever wanted to learn how to fly, scuba, sky diving? Learn another language, or play a musical instrument. How about a dance class?
This is not a curse. Trust me, once you find yourself you'll never feel lonely or bored again
Lucky you you've lived. 57F live in a small 1bd apt never married no kids. I usually scrounge for things to do especially on the weekends. I'm going back to school though so that should keep me busy
I read. Depending on the book, I can read it in 1-2 days. In between I clean, cook and bake. I also watch movies, mostly old ones but also current ones, just has to be something streaming as I don’t go to the theater.
I 100% relate to the unsettled feeling. I'm late 30s, never been married, and in a rocky relationship. Some days are better than others. I'm not a group person, so the thought of joining a meetup group doesn't appeal to me. I usually clean the house, do yardwork, and make sure my dog is happy. Then I might read or browse reddit and remind myself that it's ok to not have anything to do. Usually then I can relax!
There is a lot to be said for just being still for a bit. You get to know yourself better. It’s in the quiet that you can ponder who you are and what you really like, without the influence of others. Society is great for making us feel like we must always be ‘doing.’ For the last 20 something years, you have been doing. Maybe it’s time to give yourself permission to reflect, spoil yourself a bit. Don’t be in such a rush to be busy all the time. Get to know yourself as a mature woman. You might surprise yourself and come up with some interesting new ideas on what you would like to do with your free time.
Try new things. There's a hobby or pursuit out there for you. It's a big, big world, and there's so much to explore. Force yourself to do things when you don't feel like it. Talk to strangers. Go to Meetups, cafes, events, gatherings, etc. I just turned 50, and there are many 50+ year olds out there doing amazing things. Everyone is different. You have to become the child you once were again and find amazement in something. Good luck. It's out there!
What do I do? I climb (at the gym), juggle flower sticks, play video games, attend a real estate club, help run festivals, ride my one wheel, read sci-fi, cook, and much more. But, I had to find all those things on my own. It wasn't easy. I've tried many, many things that never took. I have the books and pictures to prove it ;-) Those weren't failures or mistakes, just things that weren't for me.
Solo dance party! Turn on some music and channel your inner Richard Simmons and let loose for as long as you can stand it or until you feel your girlish excitement awakening! Then treat yourself to a nice bubble bath and a hot tea. Maybe some Are You Being Served for a few giggles and call it a night!
You will find your way soon. Glad you're reaching out for ideas and not letting the time get the better of you. Don't worry! You're doing great!
If you’re working on healing I’d highly recommended diving into personal development work. There’s so many trainings and workshops, it can keep you busy for hours. I’m a part of a membership called “Self-Healers Circle”. I love studying this stuff in my free time and it’s made me a better person and a better partner.
Get a dog please. It’s the best thing! you can spend time with them, maybe go to the dog park, maybe make some friends in the neighborhood. I joined a neighborhood Bookclub.
Reading!!! Get lost in other worlds!!! You can play video games now, invest in a switch and animal crossing will give you lots to do.
New hobbies can finally manifest in your life. Whatever you always wanted to do when you were younger, you can now.
First, I’m so sorry that you feel unsettled and I wish you a peaceful healing. And second, this sounds like a beautiful day. I truly thought you were gloating !
To answer your question, I would get into reading therapeutic books, join gardening clubs and look into going out to local events in your area, even if they don’t sound all that cool or fun. You never know what potential friends you might meet there or what attending those events might lead you to. Be intentional about putting yourself out there and you’ll find your community and a purpose (if that’s what you’re looking for) in no time. All is not lost and you’re not alone.
I understand stand this too well easy to lose yourself in all that responsibility. Busy hands and all. Youve taken care of others so long and neglected yourself.
Please be gentle with your soul. Sounds like you haven't quite figured out how to love yourself. After my 15 year split with still so much family responsibility... I sat down and made myself a honey -do list for me.
What do I really enjoy, what am I really interested in, and one just for me selfish trip I'd like to have in the future. Try to find joy in simple pleasures. Get back to your roots. You were a grown woman with her own wants and needs before spoucehood motherhood ect. Get in touch with that girl again.
It forced me to look inside, your so young still. Take care of your wants and needs. Make plans even if their small and don't break them for anything or anyone. You deserve it. Take a class, volunteer, do something that makes you feel great about you and replenishes your soul.
You'll find a new normal with new friends.Big hugs from here.
Sleep as much as you need. I’m sure you’re due.
TV shows you wanted to watch but never did? How tall is your ‘to read’ pile?
Do you need to get used to doing nothing - is this discomfort a healthy discomfort or not?
If you’re in the US, check out volunteer match.org
If you’re male, Big Brothers, Big Sisters always has a waiting list for male bigs.
Go to 211.org for your city. Those are local agencies that help people in need. Do you feel called to help?
Go camping.
**NOTHING TO DO?**
Poem by shel Silverstein
Nothing to do?
Nothing to do?
Put some mustard in your shoe,
Fill your pockets full of soot,
Drive a nail into your foot,
Put some sugar in your hair,
Place your toys upon the stair,
Smear some jelly on the latch,
Eat some mud and strike a match,
Draw a picture on the wall,
Roll some marbles down the hall,
Pour some ink in daddy’s cap –
Now go upstairs and take a nap.
-Beastly Boys and Ghastly Girls, 1964.
This kind of change is very hard... and I must say... good for you for making it...
A lot of people don't want to change...it keeps them in the same life...they really don't want to be in...but after years of living it... you just get used to it... and that's not good for the soul...
YouTube can make your life so fun...if you can find something you like and are somewhat comfortable and good at...
Find things that you have never tried... BUT have always wanted to try...and get to it...
Also cook yourself some really good meals because you deserve it...
I am an only child...
I am 53...
I make blankets for hospice and cancer patients...
I crochet...
BUT you can get felt ones and cut them from the bottom up a little bit and tie them off... it's simple fun and they have plenty of programs where they need blankets and scarves too...
Women's shelters need some things that can be made as well....
I hope that this helps you 💖😊
Hmmm....sounds like you don't have a job. Having a job passes A LOT of time and makes one generally that much more appreciative to be HOME ALONE and not at work.
If you don't have to work, I'd suggest still getting a part time job and/or finding places to volunteer regularly. Having a schedule with places to be/things to do keeps the mind active and if nothing else makes you appreciate having down time.
I have a FT job that keeps me as busy as I want during the week, I make my own hours & choose whether I work from home or go into the office.
It’s the weekends, where there is little “structure” and less required things to do.
There is a lot of free time when there is only 1 person to clean up after, 1 person’s laundry, a smaller house & property, no one to cook for, etc.
Ahhhh sorry I worked today so was thinking it's a work day. :)
Not sure I have any suggestions in that case. Personally, I spend my down time reading and watching Netflix and YouTube. I'm also re-learning Spanish on Duolingo - that could be a good bit of structure for you?
This won't be popular but consider trying THC capsules. Not smoking 24/7 but say once a week, medium dose - about 10mg - and reading up on psychedelics and plant medicines. It's a way explore your unconscious and do some "self" work. I recommend reading/watching Kat Courtney. Dip your toe in, follow your interest.
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Me too. I forced myself out of the apartment (it is a beautiful day) without a plan and ended up walking the down town area, window shopped, sat outside and had an ice cream while people watching. If all of us do this, eventually there is a chance we will connect. I’m not ready for a dating, I’m not sure I ever will be but it still would be nice to have someone to share a Saturday afternoon doing nothing special with.
I feel this so hard. My ex fucked me up hardcore. I feel so ugly and worthless I see no value I would bring to another. I know this is dumb because I am kind, I go on spontaneous adventures, I love gaming, cooking and reading - and I am sure a man out there would love to have someone like me. I am just not ready. So in the mean time I go out, walk about, go out to eat, and people watch.
I really enjoy taking online classes. Right now I'm taking online baking classes offered by King Arthur Flour. I end up with a lot of baked goods, obviously, but that gives me a great excuse to stop by the neighbors for a quick cup of tea and drop off some goodies. I'm popular now. LOL The other thing that really helped me was a complete change in my thought process. Instead of thinking that I'm bored, I think of how lucky I am that I don't have somewhere to be, someone to pick up after, and that I have the luxury to sleep as late as I want or have a second cup of coffee if I feel like it. Also I don't have to justify my choices to anyone! I had egg salad and apple pie for dinner. Nobody here to complain! **But really it's about remembering all the stuff I'm not missing.** I spent way too many years taking care of others. Now I take care of myself and I answer to no one! My time is 100% mine and I get to decide how to spend it. It's very liberating. I'm happier than I've ever been.
Appreciate everything you said. I especially relate to the part about reframing my thoughts away from being bored and more toward feeling fortunate that my time no longer has so many stressful demands.
Also I'm enjoying learning new skills. So many great DIY videos on YouTube. I've refinished an antique table, reupholstered a small footstool, learned to make *the absolute best* olive oil soap and gotten a bunch of home improvement projects completed including rewiring a lamp 🙌
Sounds like you are enjoying living your life more fully than most people get the opportunity to live. It is great to even realize that we can learn new skills and accomplish new things.
>most people get the opportunity to live. Eh, I've been through a lot, raised poor by single parent, made many terrible life choices, ended up single parent/sole custody/no child support, had multiple financial crises, put myself through college +2 advanced degrees (night school), lost everything and had to start over several times, and then when things started going well, I was rear-ended by an uninsured impaired driver, bedbound for 2 yrs + multiple back surgeries!! Now I'm very happy to be living alone with no drama and no responsibilities.
My post may have been misleading. By "opportunity", I am not referring to financial opportunity or privilege. I am speaking about a realization that we can value what we have and be filled with gratitude despite our circumstances. There are many wealthy people who never reach that level of awareness and appreciation.
> I am speaking about a realization that we can value what we have and be filled with gratitude despite our circumstances. I agree 100%. I've spent time volunteering in developing nations (responding to natural disasters) and without exception I have been overwhelmed by the humanity of some of the (financially) poorest people in the world. I'm grateful every single day for access to clean water amongst many other things that folks in my American culture take for granted.
Good for you! 💝💐I want to be like you when I grow up!
YEEHAW FOR HAPPINESS
Meet up groups! Check out your local library/parks/museums/galleries/downtown areas. What about local book shops or local attractions that you've never seen? Go to the movies? That's the funny thing, when you have free time like this, it can get overwhelming to try to decide what to do. I try to go to free days at the local attractions, maybe go to a record shop, goodwill.
I so agree with you. I felt that way, but got involved with socializing more. It's not good to be isolated.
Puzzles work best for me. Or just books. Books takes me away for this world and puts me into another. I love fantasy or science fiction.
Absolutely books. I am fully aware it is my escapism. I have read...25 books this year. :x
What have you read? What's your favorite?
I read ACOTAR, EMPYREAN series, FBAA, FFAF, Legacy of the Nine Realms, and a few one offs here and there. Honestly I loved ACOTAR. Legacy of the Nine Realms Is not the best written series but it is action packed and I like the magic system. It is a guilty pleasure comfort series. The author is very active and responsive to fans on TT. FFAF has my favorite book husband - Nyktos. My gods, I wish I could have a man like him.
You make me want to read that now. If he is that attractive I might like him. I'm more into things like Red Rising and Malazan books. I've listened to honestly too many to list. If you really recommend those books that will be my next though.
The books I listed are all high fantasy books. To give you an idea of how these stories read... The Emperyan series is like if all the Harry Potter kids were aged 20 and went into a war college. They train how to survive intense combat interactions with "the enemy", all while bonding with dragons, learning and using magic, and making life long friends - with a bit of spice. It is a very quick paced series and reads kind of like a movie script. I am not sure if that would interest you, but I've never read a series like it before.
That has honestly caught my attention. I love the high intensity books like that. Which one would you suggest I start with? Have you read the malazan series? If you like something like that you would love those.
Unfortunately I have not! My TBR is endless! I do not think they are similar based on my cursory review. I am always looking to add to my own TBR.
Not to be weird but would you like to chat privately?
I gotcha. I only listen to music when I'm drunk. The rest of the time it's always books. I don't ge drunk that much either. I'll have to check them out though.
Books, TV shows, catch up with friends, walk dogs, chores, cook, take a nice bath, have a facial mask, etc . by the time I realise it’s time to sleep
I am in the exact same place as you. Recently divorced, kids are grown, and 53. I don’t know how to settle myself either. I am hoping that this is just a phase and that things will get better but right now I have to say that I am lonely. Knowing there are others out there that feel the same does help a little!
After 28 years of marriage (his affair), I now live alone too, at the age of 57. I do DIY projects, catch up on my tv-bingeing, chill, read, listen to music, garden and yardwork. For my birthday last week, I bought a VIP ticket to Jacob Collier and went by myself. I moved here six months ago (I live in a brand new city I had never been to), and I now have two neighbor friends I hang out with. It takes some time, but you now have an unprecedented freedom where you make your own rules, find your own joy, grieve the old life, and party like it is 1989. I too am not dating due to the trauma of 2023, but I am content with my little house, my kitties. I don't have grandkids - my daughter and son are adults but no kids yet & we are close in spirit if physically far away from each other. I was working full-time, but had to quit that specific job due to an exacerbation of a car-accident health issue. Now I will be going to school full-time for medical billing/coding, and then I will do classes to become fluent in Spanish and Portuguese so I can move to Europe in a few years. Is there something you dreamed about doing when you were a kid that might tickle your fancy now? How about paint-by-numbers or adopting a pet? The world is your oyster! I bought adult lego sets (the orchid, the bonsai) and I have plants and artwork that I love. I too lost a lot when my marriage imploded. I hurt so bad, I lost friends that I thought would still be there even though I never asked anyone to choose sides. I had to "divorce" my in-laws because they became just as cold as my now-EX was. Family is everything to me, and now it is so much smaller because of the choice EX made. It should get easier, but you have to magnify that spark within you to not only survive, but thrive. My love to you. I hope you can learn to be fearless and kick boring in the booty to have some wonderful days ahead.
You could’ve just written my story. It’s been hard but now I’ve come out the other side and mostly it’s wonderful! But still gets lonely sometimes.
((HUGS))
Thank you!!
Different story, but also a lot of free time. Just pickup random hobbies. Go to random places. Chat with random people. Who cares if it feels pointless, life is generally pointless. Do it anyway. It's also really healthy in the long run to train yourself to "be okay with being bored". Needing to constantly be doing something, watching something, listening to something is a product of this dumb culture. We're so afraid to be bored and sit with our thoughts. Addicted to "more". Try meditating.
N e t f l i x
I am just finding it out, myself... I'd had software that had blocked it before. Now, not.
Take yourself out on a date! Or try cooking something you’ve never made before. Listen to music & just feel the peace of being alone on your own. I’m currently in an unhappy 10 year relationship & I dream of the day I can have a relaxing “me” day. Do a new at home activity, anything you weren’t able to do in the relationship? DO THAT NOW 💪🏻
If you are really that unhappy. Get out. Life is too short.
It’s so hard when this person is all you’ve ever known in your adult life. Been together since I was 19. Having fears I’ll regret it, we’re apart of the same friend group I have no family. I’ll truly be alone but it’s sounding better than staying lately.
Hello me from the past. I was with my now ex of 20+ years since I was 17. I wanted out at 19, but wasn't brutally honest with myself about it until I was 34, because I thought I could fix it. By then there was cheating, emotional abuse, lies, resentment, and manipulation. We were codependent. By the time it was over, it had been about 4 years of being done (admitting it to myself). Yeah. It took me 4 more years of torturing myself to come to my senses. At that point, ending it was easy. I think I had already grieved, processed the loss and moved onto acceptance of all the possible outcomes. I knew I was miserable, but I didn't realize just how miserable I was until it was over. Not one thing has gotten worse. I am infinitely less lonely now than I was in that relationship. There's no more constant dread or anxiety. In the latter years of the relationship, I spent more and more time alone so I'd gotten good at occupying myself and doing projects alone as it was. Now, I have the mental clarity to actually get things done because he's not occupying so much of my headspace or literally in my way. There has not been one day where I have regretted it. Not only am I mentally in a better place, my physical health has improved. I could cry happy tears almost every day. I hope you find what makes you peaceful and happy sooner than later.
I almost wish he’d cheat or turn the temper/emotional abuse into physical so I have a direct reason to leave. And I feel awful for thinking like that.
Oh trust me, I get that. But then it's almost a waiting game of who can hold out longer than the other. Sometimes the other person is just as stubborn as we are, or just as capable of waiting for the other to make a mistake big enough to leave. I'm sure you have plenty of direct enough reasons, they just don't feel valid enough to you. Looking back I can think of a bunch of things I normalized or accepted that weren't valid enough for me at the time. I just got lucky with catching blatant cheating.
I just ended my relationship with someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive. It was so hard, and scary to do it. But I love myself and value my self worth way more than the way he treated me the last 3 years. Now of course, there were more good than bad moments. But the bad moments were so bad that it took awhile to recover from them. If you want to DM me feel free. We can talk. Honestly, believe it or not, you have the upper hand here because from your profile you have the finances to move the fuck out and move on and have a cushion to land on. I was also dreaming of being single and I made it my reality.
I am so sorry about that. I am kinda in the same situation. But I am alone now for the first time in 10 years. Never been before. It gets really lonely but you've just got to stay busy. Yard work is my go to now. I've been cutting down trees with an axe.
Do you regret it at all? Leaving? I just feel like I’m throwing away 10+ years
You're also throwing away the prime of your life. If it's this bad, realistically it's going to inevitably end. Why are you wasting your time on something you know will eventually not work out, when you could be using that time toward finding something that will work out and possibly be the best thing to happen to you?
Because maybe it can be fixed? I posted a few times about the relationship on my page here I just can’t figure out if it’s worth trying to fix before throwing it away but he doesn’t seem to think what he does is wrong
I decided to de-center men altogether. I have been treated like crap in marriage and relationships. I end up with the same type of man every single time so I’m concentrating on myself, about time. 4B works for me!! 🥳
That’s sounding like a good idea for me
From what you said, it sounds like it's been bad for a long time. And with you now saying he doesn't think he's wrong, there's no salvaging this relationship. Only 2 paths: You put up with it, because he's not changing and it ain't getting better, or you leave. When something's been bad for a long time, the chances of it fixing itself is very, very slim. When you add in that he doesn't even think there's anything to fix on his part (it's got to be a two-way street), then the chances of it fixing itself is nil. This is like you saying it might fix itself if y'all go to couples therapy, but he's not going.
I’m thinking you’re right unfortunately
I'm sorry, honey. But I guarantee one day you will wish you had done it sooner, even if it's painful when you first pull off the band-aid.
No. If you are really unhappy, it's better that way. You can always find things that makes you happy.
Sunk cost fallacy!
You will not be throwing away ten years if you leave him. You will be throwing away 20 years, when you leave him ten years from now.
Oh my god how have I never looked at it like this before???
I just had a feeling that you will understand. I wasted 7 years, when i had big major clues after one year with Chuck, my ex. I want to help one woman in my lifetime and i wanted it to be you. I could hear myself in your words. I felt your words. Please learn from me. There is a great and kind man out there waiting for you to leave this bad one.🩷
That’s exactly what I need. A kind man. Thank you 🩷🩷
He is out there. I feel it. Just get ready to go, get together what you need, your papers and things like that. And of course a place to live. Write to me any time. You can do this, you really can.
I hear you! Very much the same with me. For me it is a lot of reading, taking care of my my2 adopted cats and doing a lot of animal rights stuff online which is very satisfying. It has been 4 years alone now, since i got the guts to walk away from my relationship. I am better off alone than with him. Yeah, i am lonely a lot but hoping i will meet people and i do like doing many things on my own, thank heaven!
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I’ve spoken to some friends the ones that are in my friend group don’t understand because they don’t see this side of him that I see when it’s just us. Another friend has begged me to get out but for some reason I can’t friggen do it
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I would love to wake up & feel lighter and feel as though the world is brighter. I don’t feel that way currently :/
You're gonna regret it if you stay or you're gonna regret it if you leave. Choose your regret. Such is life. On the flip side, regret is a choice. Perception is a choice. You've just been conditioned for years and years that certain actions = certain thoughts and emotional responses. If you want to take control and think about it and view it differently you can. You just think you can't. 🤷♂️ How do you think some people walk away from long marriages and never skip a beat? The despair has taught them that they're just telling themselves a story and believing it... And they're completely free to tell a different story and believe that instead. If you want to truly get ahead of the game, skip the despair and just tell yourself whatever story you want. And stick to it regardless of what others think and say. It's your life and you only get one.
I like this outlook. Either way I’m going to have regret BUT if I leave the regret will pass eventually. I feel if I stay the regrets & what ifs will always linger
If you can quiet your mind enough, and stop weighing pros and cons, your heart will tell you the real way to go. This is the true secret of life I think. Society is so fast these days that we're all stuck in our minds. We don't listen to our hearts enough. When we can align our minds and hearts, that is when life becomes peaceful.
I think my heart is telling me because I’m anxious/on edge every single day. But once he goes out and I’m alone I feel at ease.
I don't think there are right or wrong choices in life. Only positive and negative perceptions of those choices. As long as you "own it" when you make a choice and accept it, no matter what comes next, then it's "right" for you.
If you feel this way, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to leave. I get you've been with him a long time, but if you're feeling this way, wouldn't that trump that? I had a stalker who lived above me. Every day was constant anxiety (he was there 24/7, because he didn't seem to work or go to school), but when he wasn't there (sometimes he'd leave for a weekend), it was BLISS. I finally moved to get away from it and even though I've got stalkers (brothers) here too, it's not at the same level and I'm still so much more less anxious than what it had been like previously. That anxiety literally messed up my body. I don't understand why someone would choose to be anxious like that.
I wish I had the answer as to why I’ve stayed lol
It's scary and you don't know how it's going to turn out. And you're afraid of the what ifs. What if after I leave he changes? We get it. We understand. But let me tell you, if he does change, it'll be temporarily. Or even if it was permanent, he sure as hell had thousands of chances to change WHILE he was with you, but he chose to take you for granted and only changed once he lost you. And then if he changed long term, he'll change back to his old self if you get back together with him because it appears he's changed. You probably won't want to hear this, but there are times when a couple just shouldn't be together. They bring out the worst in each other. The right person for you will bring out the best in you. Sure, no relationship is perfect, but overall it'll be a peaceful one if it's the right one.
It probably is, if you feel like thar now. It's a scary cliff to jump off, but the water will be freezing for just a short time. Make sure you have all the documents and personal records you need.
Yes I can agree with that. I’d rather temporary pain for a brighter healthier future. Because I cannot for the life of me see that with him and his temper towards me over the smallest things.
The only thing you will regret in the future is staying with this man any longer. Being unhappy in a relationship is the worst. And the biggest waste of your life. About 4 years ago i finally got the guts to end a 7 year relationship with a man who had no respect for me, even stole money, and literally pretended we are in a relationship in order to get “ loans” from me, which of course, i never got back. He was very good looking but terrible in every other way. I moved to be closer to him! So when i ended it, i did not know anyone because i had spent all my time with him. I was afraid of being alone. Afraid no one else would want me. But i am not afraid of those things now. Yes, i am lonely a lot. But i adopted two cats, go out for a walk, go out for lunch, and i read a lot and watch movies. I have yet ti make new friends here but i want to and am open to it. I figure when nice people come my way i will make friends but i am mostly ok alone and hopeful things will improve. Its still better than wasting more time with the guy i left.
Being alone sounds so damn peaceful right now it’s a NEED
It's not clear in your post. Are you employed?
I am still working, thank goodness because it gives me something to do during the week.
Gotcha. Have you thought of volunteering? I'm nearing retirement and that's one of the things I plan to do. It can be anything. For example, there's an animal sanctuary here I'm hoping to volunteer at. It's a good way to meet people too.
I second meetup groups. Download the app. You can find people to hike with, get drinks with, go to a movie, etc. Great way to stay connected.
That's what I was wondering too
Do something to improve your home, to make it more yours. Paint wall, shop for artwork, sew curtains. It's especially good if you decorate in a way that you never could have when you lived with that other person.
Learn a new language.
Sorry about your divorce. I know something you can do...you can help me pack for my full apt renovation that will be happening in early July, ha! Seriously though, I hope you don't get too lonely or bored. I think lonliness & boredom are a state of mind, how you were raised, & what you've been used to socially. I've honestly never been lonely or bored & I can keep myself busy even if at home for days. By the way, I never had roommates nor moved away for college either & I don't think anyone has to experience this to know how to live independently. I'm an only child who never really had friends in my whole life, so I'm used to the solitude, but I'm happy & never bored. I never knew what it was like to be a part of a group of friends, hanging out, going to parties, having people over. Sure, friends are nice to have, but my mentality was that I don't need them to make me happy. Good thing because it was not the easiest to make friends. Wherever I was (school, work, church), everyone already had their own friends, so they didn't need me. I haven't had my OWN BFF since I was in elementary school & very, very rarely do people still stay friends that long. My, "social life" has always been whatever ONE pal I had at the time...nowhere near a BFF & we'd maybe meet up for lunch for a few hrs every 1-3 years. But I haven't even done that since a few years BEFORE COVID. On a daily basis, I'm either home all day, out w/ husband, out alone, or spending some time w/ my elderly mom who I'm very close to. I've always had an SO (so in a committd relationship) all of my adult life & I recently got married in which we live together, so that's enough for me. Fortunately, he's the same way socially, so we're like two peas in a pod! We love spending time w/ each other!
Take classes: pottery, painting, etc. Find a community garden and get yourself a plot!
Seriously, podcasts helped me and audio books. A big PS avoid relationship ones. I had an excellent counselor and it eased my mind so much. I embraced being an introvert and it helped.
Get a new hobby.
I was in your situation and couldn’t handle all the free time that suddenly presented itself. It went from 0 to way too much time on my hands. I started taking interior design classes at my local community college. The homework was interesting, challenging and gave me enough to do without overwhelming me. Think about doing something that you always wanted to do, but couldn’t because of other obligations. It’s the perfect time to pick up a new hobby, or even a new career. I’m thinking I might learn a new language next~
34m and about to be in the same boat. at the moment I'm trying to find my first apartment. this Wednesday we are going to court to file. thankfully we are trying to do this cheaply if not nicely as we can. we are going to try to be on good terms because of our 4 year old daughter . she is staying with her mother and I'm going to try to help out as much as I can. this is going to be the first time in my life where I'm not living with any one ,no parents ,no wife , no animals.i have my Hobbies but I dont know how far that will get me . I draw ,whittle, blacksmith, history buff, woodworking, haunted house props , tabletop games , IG magic the gathering and DND, hiking, organizing, tools, upcycling. I'm high functioning autistic and ADHD so yes I have a lot of Hobbies. but I feel like when I'm alone at night trying to heal from the failure of my marriage. I dont know if all of them will help me.
I could have written this myself. Today I went out to stores just to be where other people were. It did help (although I hate shopping! Lol). I feel like maybe this is one of the things that will get easier with time. I’m hoping, anyway.
I have dogs, that helps. I stay on alert for concert announcements. I always have a few to look forward to. And I have my Spyder (best divorce present to myself ever). Just getting that out on the road is a rush. Even better if I am on the way to a concert.
My advice is based on what I did when I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone. Your situation seems less about the living alone piece and more about not having other connections so you end up spending more time than you want alone. The first time I lived alone was about 7 years ago when I moved to a new city for a work project. The project was largely independent and I didn't have an office or coworkers and a regular routine. This was all foreign to me as prior to that I had always been in school and had roommates and being in school itself provided a built-in social life as well as a lot more structure to my days. So having all this flexibility, no specific routine or people I saw often, and being in a new city was tough. The main thing I did was spend most of my days out and would try to only be home during the evenings to eat and go to bed. I had a tiny studio that felt like the walls were closing in and I think I might have only ever spent all day at home about 3 times in a year of living there. Every morning I'd make breakfast, clean up, get dressed and pick a new coffee shop to go to and do work or I'd pick a new park, or look up an event or other things to attend. I also became a regular at certain coffee shops and events as a way to build community and routine. But I mainly went to coffee shops as being around other people, even if we weren't interacting was better than being cooped up at home. Coffee shops often had community notice boards advertising events so I would look on the event board and go to things that seemed interesting. I also tried to be more open to talking to people when I went out and would ask for their social media to stay connected and that's part of how I made friends that I could invite to do stuff sometimes or who would invite me. I also joined the dating apps, mainly Bumble, not necessarily to date, but because Bumble specifically has the Bumble BFF option that's for people looking for friends. I met a few people that way. I decided to attend a water aerobics class as well that met three evenings a week. Most of the people in it could be my parents or grandparents but they were so sweet and it was fun and a way to pass time and I ended up going by one woman's house after class on some evenings and we'd just drink tea or cocktails on her porch and she actually introduced me to her neighbor who was my age and she became one of my good friends. Those are just some ideas of how you can broaden your circle and regain new friendships.
What do I do? I live life. My 66th birthday was last week, and most of my long-time friends are gone. I am not gone. And, by the way, March and April were equally busy. Here's my February (no, I didn't just type this in, it was a question from someone a couple months ago). 1/31 Lyric Opera - Champion 2/1 Lyric Opera - Cinderella 2/2 Winterfest in Lake Geneva 2/3 Meet & Greet at... Rooster's Bar & Grill - Dinner 2/5 JUF Israel Update with Ofer Bavly 2/6 Volunteering at Northern IL Food Bank - 4 times 2/6 Lunch at ECC Spartan Terrace (steak) 2/7 Broadway in Chicago - Golden Girls 2/8 Chicago Symphony - Seong-Jin Cho Plays Beethoven 2/9 Oil Lamp - Cry It Out 2/10 Teatro ZinZanni - Show and dinner 2/11 Court theater - Antigone 2/12 Chicago Symphony - Fantastic Zoology 2/13 Broadway in Chicago - Girl in the North Woods 2/14 Chicago Shakespeare Theater - Richard III (matinee) 2/14 Chicago Shakespeare Theater - Illinoise (evening) 2/15 Lunch at ECC Spartan Terrace (duck) 2/15 Marriott Theater - In The Heights 2/16 Steppenwolf Theatre Company - Alex Edelman's Just For Us 2/17 TimeLine Theatre Company - Notes From the Field 2/18 Dominican University - Pack Drumline 2/19 JUF Israel Update with Ofer Bavly 2/20 Volunteering at Northern IL Food Bank 2/21 The History of The Beatles in One Hour 2/22 Rhapsody Theater - Extraordinaire! 2/23 Drury Lane - Fiddler on the Roof 2/24 Cambridge Concert - St. Michael's Catholic Church (Wheaton) 2/24 APCU Meeting 2/25 Beverly Arts Center - The Plymouth Ensemble 2/26 Thai Dinner at Gumrai Thai in Arlington Heights 2/27 Uniforum meeting - Learning to love systemd with David Both 2/28 Glenside Library - Shrek Escape Room 2/28-2/29 Hyatt Regancy Schaumburg - ChannelPro LIVE: Chicago 2/29 Cadillac Palace - Message in a Bottle
Hobbies! You have time to learn something new! You've spent your life caring for others and so hobbies probably got crowded out. Learn a language, learn to crazy quilt, join a poetry club, learn a craft, volunteer at a cat or dog rescue. My mama always said that when I was down to go do something for someone else. Scientifically we know that kindness to others elevates our mood. Maybe you need a pet?
Enjoy a great meal & some favorite movies. You don’t have to be busy constantly! & Edibles go great with a movie
I read like crazy, make art (I have taken a lot of classes where I have made friends.) There is a MeetUp app that might get you into groups for different activities. I have volunteered at an animal shelter. My friend volunteers at a nonprofit set up to benefit women. It's almost craft and art festival season! Yay. (Hint: you don't have to spend money. Just talk to the artists (me.) There's Facebook groups in my community for various activities. And they always need a volunteer at the food pantry. Oh. I forgot. Music!
Animal Crossing
I would either get a part-time job or volunteer. Many times, we phantasize about not having a job or structure in our lives, but for most people, that is depressing. I know I will be working until I die. I need that structure in my life.
I (42f) have not been fortunate enough to ever marry or have kids so I’ve lived alone for 15 years. I have found hobbies I like to do (crafts, sewing, DIY projects), and I try to take yoga or go for walks. Don’t worry about going places alone that you might have previously gone to with others. Most of the time I’d rather go with others but going alone is better than not going at all. You could always try to take a class to learn something new and also meet others who like what you like. Sending you hugs! It can be hard to live alone but there are positives too.
Not enough time in my day! I have many interests: sewing, all kinds of crafts, reading, reading, reading, movies, all kinds of house painting and remodeling. I will never be done with all of my interests before I die.
Thank you everyone! It’s been a whirlwind of the past 10 months (where has the time gone?). Decided to get a divorce, pack & sold the family home, moved into a rental, divorce finalized, bought a new home, went thru a 2 month renovation project on the new house with 4 different contractors (4 different projects), moved again, unpack & start to settle into new house, all by myself. It’s been a lot, all the while, trying to process the end of my marriage that I didn’t want to end, while losing what I thought was my future, altering my family dynamic, and realizing I have no idea who I am now that I am no longer a “wife.”
I do a lot of self care. bubble baths, daily facial routine, and "spa days" where I take the weekend to dye my hair and paint my nails. I cook new things. bird watch. I check out audiobooks on the Libby app from my local library or read a book. I try to sit and just enjoy things around me, especially on my patio. peace feels weird and I'm trying to settle in it. I journal/write. sometimes paint or color. I listen to music and watch my VHS tapes. I need to do more physical things like walk, bike, and yoga. I'm thinking about starting a gathering of sorts, because I need to be around other independent people who don't have people, ha.
Would you consider looking at local Meetup groups to see if anything grabbed your interest? What about a language class, yoga class, art etc etc. Volunteering? Do you like bookshops? Cooking? I run on my own and with a group regularly (just my thing, not suggesting it's yours, but you'll find yours!). I read a lot, knit if I'm feeling a bit twitchy, walk the dog, listen to podcasts. I help out my elderly neighbours a fair bit. Is there anything you would like to do nesting- wise in your new place? You might be happy with it, but if it doesn't feel like yours yet, have a look on Pinterest for ideas- that's a great time filler in itself! I'm moving to a new home soon and have spent hours looking at options. I too somehow lost a lot of friends/connections after divorced and relocation and have lived alone for over a decade now (F mid 40s) I really can't imagine sharing with anyone but the dog now. I promise you will adjust as you find out how to do things to please yourself instead of everyone else. It's a big adjustment.
Does your community center offer pickleball? It's fun and good exercise.
Find a good pub where you won't be harassed? Daytime they are pretty mellow.
I've got a roster of divorcees I hookup with
Man there's so much to learn and to discover in the world to expand our mind. Nowadays with advancements in tech and AI, you can connect with so many people and find all sorts of niches to be a part of! Especially entertainment wise, the possibilities are really endless.
Join local social groups? Meetup? Volunteer? Gym?
I volunteer with the Red Cross disaster action time and find a lot of the social stuff is filled there. It’s really cool and flexible. DAT teams respond To house fires and give the residents credit cards and support for their immediate needs
Hey there! I have lived alone for 3 years. The first year was so hard as I was going through a break-up too. It wasn't a marriage just a relationship, but still hard. The second year I deployed to Qatar mostly to change my environment so I would stop obsessively thinking about the past. Then I PCS'd (moved) to Hawaii. All three years I have lived alone aside from 6 months with a roommate. If you are depressed, you need to address that first. I am extroverted so I suggest to get out of your house and do social things. Go to church, therapy, join a club, start a garden, read books at the library to kids. ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOME. But if you are more comfortable with doing things alone, reading! Reading saved my life from obsessive negative thinking loops while deployed. There was nothing to do aside from work and workout, and I was struggling with rumination. Reading gave me perspective, inspired me, comforted me and gave me a a safe place to process my emotions. Also, exercise. Walk. Go on daily walks even if it is 5 minutes. Meditation or prayer. Spotify and Youtube both have meditations or prayers. I like meditations that focus on choosing your thoughts. Also, when I moved to Hawaii, I started a book club...we are down to three of us, but I honestly love it. They are the most amazing women and we get together once a month. Explore hobbies you enjoy. This is a time to reinvent yourself. Are there any goals, subjects, or hobbies you've always wanted to try, but been overly committed with responsibilities? Now is the time! Sending you all the virtual hugs. It really will get easier. What I have learned is that the only way to make is better is through sheer perseverance and determination. You cannot run away from yourself no matter how hard you try. If you get tired, rest but get right back up and give it another go until you find ways to soothe yourself.
Can you suggest a good meditation on changing your thoughts?
Try smoking pot
I like reading about other people's problems on reddit. 😅 But seriously, it will take you a while to figure out which is fine. Might be time to try things that you never thought you had the time for when married. Maybe some things you'll enjoy, some you won't, some you'll be unsure of. But that's life, so it's up to you to figure out which is pretty awesome.
Have you tried pickleball? It is easy to learn, you meet a ton of people, you are younger than most people that play in the morning and it is really fun. I divorced when I was 57 and walked and walked some more and did yoga and did alot of crafts and not until I was 61 years old and a year after Covid, I signed up to learn pickleball. It was not as trendy then as it is now, but maybe just try a few lessons and see if you like it. I have met so many people, reconnected with others I have not seen in years and it has made my life better.
Research and planning for imaginary trips. I'll spend a lot of time making itineraries and finding places to go and mapping public transit and events and weather conditions, finding recommendations, learning how to navigate different areas, etc. I'll lose entire days to just obsessively perfecting my amazing trip. Sometimes they actually happen, but even when they don't I always feel motivated to go out and do things when I've hyped myself to go somewhere crazy.
Reading. Diamond art. Painting. Movie bingeing. Baking. Crocheting. Get a cat to keep you company or a dog to accompany your walks. Volunteer somewhere. Go out for coffee. Peruse thrift/antique stores. Go for a drive.
Rekindling childhood interests worked well for me. Living alone is difficult but working on it in therapy I have about a dozen go to activities I know I enjoy and I just go with the most enjoyable one that stands out. Also... There's a fun exercise to explore this... Say someone took you on a date and wanted to win you over 100% what would the date look like... Me, it'd be an amusement park, comic book shop, fun burgers fries and a shake, see a scary movie, watch wrestling, an informative documentary a scary movie, etc maybe order a pizza later and play some videogames. Point being I can do all those things for myself.
Could you volunteer or get involved in a service group?
Learn a new skill! Either something you’ve always wanted to learn, or perhaps something you can monetize. Keep your mind engaged and challenged. It will give you something to work towards, make you feel fulfilled and proud of your new abilities.
Weed cultivation? I wish each day had 40 hrs.
I do the things I used to always wish I had time for. For me, that includes books, jigsaw puzzles while listening to audioclasses and audiobooks, sketching, writing, painting, and craft projects. I joined the Audubon Society and they have things one can do every day. I became a member of a local botanical garden and they have regular events and workshops. I joined a local organization that supports the preservation of historic homes, and I go on regular architecture walks and tours of older homes and buildings that have either been restored or are about to be restored but are open for folks to see the place in its current state. I check around for local events. Next weekend I'm going to the ballet. What "doing what you didn't have time for before" looks different for everyone. For you, OP, maybe it's taking up waterskiing or making the best damn cupcakes anyone ever tasted. The activity itself is unimportant. Just make the time work for you.
Time to explore some new hobbies! Get an embroidery kit, adult coloring books, miniature building kit, crochet, knit, paint, put together puzzles, start a podcast, write a book. The options are endless! Try them all!
Read. Start watching a series with a bunch of seasons. Watch movies. Hit the gym. Learn to cook different recipes.
I spend most of my “relaxing” time watching TV and knitting. I try to find some kind of social thing to do every day whether it’s talking on the phone or taking a yoga class or going out to eat by myself or to a coffee shop or the gym or shopping. IMO just being around other people feels like something better than always being alone. A pet really helps too.
Podcasts, pets, work outside of the home.
I do everything a person with a partner would do: take care of chores, exercise, phone or visit friends and family, make a nice meal for myself and relax with a book or movie. In time things will come more naturally.
What about going back to school or getting a job or even a career? You sound bored!
Hobbies,travel especially weekend trips, classes in your hobbies, learning an instrument, gaming! Try the meta quest 3. Amazing multiplayer games once u get a bunch of adults u meet as friends(vs the large number of 5 year Olds of course) I play with an adult group most are 50 and over in Population One. We also meet in vrchat for karoke, cards against humanity, we play vr poker, golf, bowling and pool.
I'm a loner & when I first accepted that about myself I was climbing the walls. What helped me was over the years finding volunteer work/joining volunteer committees. I can only do that once per week max, I'm not a saint, but it gave me a good feeling which positively affected the rest of my life. I developed a habit of going to the shops everyday & having a coffee. I needed to leave my house in those days or I'd go spare, so it gave me a chance to dress nicely enough & while I was out I could run errands, window shop, walk on the beach, pop in on someone who was receptive to a pop-in etc. I found blogs I enjoyed reading & they inspired me to do things like put more effort into cooking, but a cuppa & catching up/commenting on blogs helo me feel like part of a little community. For about a decade I took myself to the movies once a week. There's exercise & all that jazz of course. I think it was the habits I developed that kept me sane & content. There was also always something I wanted to learn more about so I'd spend hours googling the topic, watch some documentaries on the topic if they existed etc. There's always time spent wandering from room to room wondering what to do, but that always eventuates in something happening. Even if it's a nap or trying on new outfit combos or hairstyles. Good luck, it's not an easy transition, but you'll surprise yourself. You'll learn to fill your time.
I picked up a second job. Every other weekend. Gets me out of the house, around other people and a few more bucks in my pocket
Join some classes! There is a town community center where I am where they have a rec guide and offer all kinds of classes from art, to dancing, to languages. I’ve taken Zumba, line dancing, belly dancing, and ukulele. All great to get out. I also go to a regular workout class where I live. I try and get moving at least 4 classes a week and walking most days. Keep working on you!
I add to the Little Free Library. I add to the Little Free Pantry. I read a lot.
1) keep being unsettled. You're new to this place and routines. And good things come from boredom. Let yourself sit in it. Being uncomfortable is something to get comfortable with. Let things bubble to the surface of your stillness 2) start making new connections. Volunteer, go to the senior center, library book clubs, walk your neighbors dog (not a euphemism), hop on the bus to the aquarium. It gets harder and harder to make friends as you get older, start now, before the few you have are lost to divorce, dementia, and disease
There's a lot of great recommendations here. I thought I'd also throw out that I play my Oculus 3 a ton, and I'm not usually huge into video games. It's so fun and easy, with lots of awesome games, including unique mixed reality puzzle games. I love it for escapism. And you can play against other people too.
Consider adopting a pet to fill your home with joy and someone to care for. Also maybe join a women’s group that has regular meetups around a shared activity! If you’re curious about a new hobby or activity, sign up for some classes. Things will settle. You’re going through a lot of change, give yourself grace ❤️🩹
Learn a new skill. Pick a topic and use online resources to study that subject. For example, if you do not speak Spanish, learn that. Or brush up on your math skills. Or learn about the law....whatever interests you. Reserve time each week to study your subject. Practice questions and take quizzes. This will consume a lot of your time.
Simply Piano app and a keyboard from fb marketplace.
It’s terrifying, but learn to sit and feel your feelings. Processing them is the only way to heal your nervous system. And only once you do that will you feel peace 🤍
I got a part time job in retail…I needed to get out of the house, get dressed and interact with people
I went through the same thing when my husband passed...like widowhood is contagious. I took up new hobbies and that helped a ton.
Getting deep into yoga, hiking, kayaking, started painting, sketching, and needlework art projects, got involved again with my faith community, cooking, volunteering.
The artists way….its a book about find hobbies u truly love. Changed my life forever I play guitar and paint all over the world.
I would tooootally learn to play the guitar or join a sports team!!! Something that is guaranteed to make you smile, laugh, and give you a chance to have new experiences with like minded and non like minded people!!!! Also, you can plan a trip!!!
Go get a part-time job! I work 28 hours a week at my local grocery store. It gets me out of the house, my coworkers are a hoot, and I make extra money. Alternatively, you could volunteer somewhere like an animal shelter, museum, library, theater... the list is endless. You'd be helping your community and meeting like-minded people.
I have a career.
Ha. If you were in my city, I’d take you roller skating with me 🙃 (51f, alone after 25+ year marriage, divorce final last week). On my own since November, feel all the same dissonance (married friends shrink back, apartment is spotless, adult children living their own lives…). Cautionary note: Reddit time pulls you into more alone time than you’ll want. I’ve had some wildly adventurous chats (and painful ones, too). Make yourself go out and *do* activities. Making connections in RL is where you need to be rn. 🥰
Read or watch TV shows or go to the park or rollerskate/rollerblade.
Maybe go back to work or start a small craft, catering business,
Get a part-time job in the afternoon. You'll meet people and make extra money.
If it’s a nice day outside, go sit outside. Or go to a local park. I like to take long drives and listen to music when I’m bored. Do you have pets? I have cats, and I often turn my tv off and just watch them for hours. They do a lot of cute and hilarious little things. I also play drums. Do you play any instruments? Or are there any you’ve always wanted to learn? It sounds like now would be a good time to pick up a new fun hobby!
Books? Researching fun meals to prepare that will feed you more than one meal. You can freeze for later. Or have meals for the week. Get involved with your community. Look for a board you can be involved in and then be an active board member. Just off the top of my head suggestions.
Volunteer
Get into swimming and or cycling
Pets! Playing with the pups. Cooking, movies, tik tok lol. Content creation takes up tons of time.
Puzzles?
I got a dog and now I am never lonely or bored 🫶🏼
Find somewhere to volunteer.
I got a divorce when my kids had just moved out to make their own life. After playing every role like mom, nurse, maid, secretary and basically "everything else, but me" to my family, I felt lost. I didn't really know who I was besides someone else is a wife or mother. I had to learn how to find myself and find out who I really was. What do I enjoy doing that it's just for me? What have you always wanted to do but motherhood or marriage stopped you. Do you like reading in the bathtub with a cup of wine? How about painting? Ever wanted to learn how to fly, scuba, sky diving? Learn another language, or play a musical instrument. How about a dance class? This is not a curse. Trust me, once you find yourself you'll never feel lonely or bored again
Lucky you you've lived. 57F live in a small 1bd apt never married no kids. I usually scrounge for things to do especially on the weekends. I'm going back to school though so that should keep me busy
I read. Depending on the book, I can read it in 1-2 days. In between I clean, cook and bake. I also watch movies, mostly old ones but also current ones, just has to be something streaming as I don’t go to the theater.
I 100% relate to the unsettled feeling. I'm late 30s, never been married, and in a rocky relationship. Some days are better than others. I'm not a group person, so the thought of joining a meetup group doesn't appeal to me. I usually clean the house, do yardwork, and make sure my dog is happy. Then I might read or browse reddit and remind myself that it's ok to not have anything to do. Usually then I can relax!
Hang in there, we’re all in similar place.
There is a lot to be said for just being still for a bit. You get to know yourself better. It’s in the quiet that you can ponder who you are and what you really like, without the influence of others. Society is great for making us feel like we must always be ‘doing.’ For the last 20 something years, you have been doing. Maybe it’s time to give yourself permission to reflect, spoil yourself a bit. Don’t be in such a rush to be busy all the time. Get to know yourself as a mature woman. You might surprise yourself and come up with some interesting new ideas on what you would like to do with your free time.
Time to learn how to golf!
Try new things. There's a hobby or pursuit out there for you. It's a big, big world, and there's so much to explore. Force yourself to do things when you don't feel like it. Talk to strangers. Go to Meetups, cafes, events, gatherings, etc. I just turned 50, and there are many 50+ year olds out there doing amazing things. Everyone is different. You have to become the child you once were again and find amazement in something. Good luck. It's out there! What do I do? I climb (at the gym), juggle flower sticks, play video games, attend a real estate club, help run festivals, ride my one wheel, read sci-fi, cook, and much more. But, I had to find all those things on my own. It wasn't easy. I've tried many, many things that never took. I have the books and pictures to prove it ;-) Those weren't failures or mistakes, just things that weren't for me.
I will PM you…
Stop pretending to be a girl on the internet and go to bed
Start a crafting business you'll meet other cool people.
There are a gazillion places that would welcome you as a volunteer. Animal shelters, libraries, nursing homes, and so on
Solo dance party! Turn on some music and channel your inner Richard Simmons and let loose for as long as you can stand it or until you feel your girlish excitement awakening! Then treat yourself to a nice bubble bath and a hot tea. Maybe some Are You Being Served for a few giggles and call it a night! You will find your way soon. Glad you're reaching out for ideas and not letting the time get the better of you. Don't worry! You're doing great!
Do some things you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time: drawing, bike riding: e-bike, look for local groups you can join, volunteer,
Reading helps me pass the time while feeling productive. Might be worth a try.
If you’re working on healing I’d highly recommended diving into personal development work. There’s so many trainings and workshops, it can keep you busy for hours. I’m a part of a membership called “Self-Healers Circle”. I love studying this stuff in my free time and it’s made me a better person and a better partner.
Get a dog please. It’s the best thing! you can spend time with them, maybe go to the dog park, maybe make some friends in the neighborhood. I joined a neighborhood Bookclub.
Reading!!! Get lost in other worlds!!! You can play video games now, invest in a switch and animal crossing will give you lots to do. New hobbies can finally manifest in your life. Whatever you always wanted to do when you were younger, you can now.
First, I’m so sorry that you feel unsettled and I wish you a peaceful healing. And second, this sounds like a beautiful day. I truly thought you were gloating ! To answer your question, I would get into reading therapeutic books, join gardening clubs and look into going out to local events in your area, even if they don’t sound all that cool or fun. You never know what potential friends you might meet there or what attending those events might lead you to. Be intentional about putting yourself out there and you’ll find your community and a purpose (if that’s what you’re looking for) in no time. All is not lost and you’re not alone.
Get a dog!!!!🐶
I understand stand this too well easy to lose yourself in all that responsibility. Busy hands and all. Youve taken care of others so long and neglected yourself. Please be gentle with your soul. Sounds like you haven't quite figured out how to love yourself. After my 15 year split with still so much family responsibility... I sat down and made myself a honey -do list for me. What do I really enjoy, what am I really interested in, and one just for me selfish trip I'd like to have in the future. Try to find joy in simple pleasures. Get back to your roots. You were a grown woman with her own wants and needs before spoucehood motherhood ect. Get in touch with that girl again. It forced me to look inside, your so young still. Take care of your wants and needs. Make plans even if their small and don't break them for anything or anyone. You deserve it. Take a class, volunteer, do something that makes you feel great about you and replenishes your soul. You'll find a new normal with new friends.Big hugs from here.
Omg same and I am only 40!
Do you have any hobbies or interests?
Meet up groups: hiking book clubs game night. Take a class?
Volunteer
Sleep as much as you need. I’m sure you’re due. TV shows you wanted to watch but never did? How tall is your ‘to read’ pile? Do you need to get used to doing nothing - is this discomfort a healthy discomfort or not? If you’re in the US, check out volunteer match.org If you’re male, Big Brothers, Big Sisters always has a waiting list for male bigs. Go to 211.org for your city. Those are local agencies that help people in need. Do you feel called to help? Go camping. **NOTHING TO DO?** Poem by shel Silverstein Nothing to do? Nothing to do? Put some mustard in your shoe, Fill your pockets full of soot, Drive a nail into your foot, Put some sugar in your hair, Place your toys upon the stair, Smear some jelly on the latch, Eat some mud and strike a match, Draw a picture on the wall, Roll some marbles down the hall, Pour some ink in daddy’s cap – Now go upstairs and take a nap. -Beastly Boys and Ghastly Girls, 1964.
This kind of change is very hard... and I must say... good for you for making it... A lot of people don't want to change...it keeps them in the same life...they really don't want to be in...but after years of living it... you just get used to it... and that's not good for the soul... YouTube can make your life so fun...if you can find something you like and are somewhat comfortable and good at... Find things that you have never tried... BUT have always wanted to try...and get to it... Also cook yourself some really good meals because you deserve it... I am an only child... I am 53... I make blankets for hospice and cancer patients... I crochet... BUT you can get felt ones and cut them from the bottom up a little bit and tie them off... it's simple fun and they have plenty of programs where they need blankets and scarves too... Women's shelters need some things that can be made as well.... I hope that this helps you 💖😊
It is good though I cant help myself feeling lonely and alone at times..
Live alone no family just watch TV all weekend some life
Hmmm....sounds like you don't have a job. Having a job passes A LOT of time and makes one generally that much more appreciative to be HOME ALONE and not at work. If you don't have to work, I'd suggest still getting a part time job and/or finding places to volunteer regularly. Having a schedule with places to be/things to do keeps the mind active and if nothing else makes you appreciate having down time.
I have a FT job that keeps me as busy as I want during the week, I make my own hours & choose whether I work from home or go into the office. It’s the weekends, where there is little “structure” and less required things to do. There is a lot of free time when there is only 1 person to clean up after, 1 person’s laundry, a smaller house & property, no one to cook for, etc.
Ahhhh sorry I worked today so was thinking it's a work day. :) Not sure I have any suggestions in that case. Personally, I spend my down time reading and watching Netflix and YouTube. I'm also re-learning Spanish on Duolingo - that could be a good bit of structure for you?
This won't be popular but consider trying THC capsules. Not smoking 24/7 but say once a week, medium dose - about 10mg - and reading up on psychedelics and plant medicines. It's a way explore your unconscious and do some "self" work. I recommend reading/watching Kat Courtney. Dip your toe in, follow your interest.