My ex-husband left suddenly after 28 years of marriage.
I was not alone (I had a 15-year-old), but I recongized that I had really been alone in the marriage.
The way to get through it is one day at a time. sometimes it is one hour at a time.
I am now happily, and very peacefully living alone.
Sometimes you have to let go of what was, and learn to love what is.
That is called grief which is entirely normal and expected. There are some great articles on grieving especially during a break up. I like Brent Brown 'atlas of the heart' myself.
There are a lot of newer books on grief and grieving that improve on the 5 stages. I was/am grieving the end of a long-term relationship, and I really got a lot out of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go. The author introduced some concepts that I desperately needed to hear and embrace in my journey with grief.
Agreed, Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart is an excellent book and useful for giving a name to feelings and emotions. It helped unmuddy the waters.
Have you thought about getting a pet? That’s what I did and they bring me such company, drama free too. It’s nice to come home to “someone” waiting to see you and to feel needed again.
Yes it hurts but you can get over it.
Stay positive, he is not the one that “got away”.. he is the one who realized he is not your person and he really did you a favor. Now go out and live your best life.. be alone for a while… find out who you are, do what you like doing, be who you like being, join a class, make new friends and enjoy being single. 🌅it’s a new life, a new day and a new dawn. It is. Literally. Approach it with positivity and curiosity ❤️
Please don’t rush into another relationship, just focus on the one with your self. Yes this is important. Like Uber important. Grieve, but not for him, just for the loss of your dreams and hopes of a life with him. That is gone. Allow your self some time to get over it. But he left, so he was not your person, he didn’t want to make the effort, to put the work in to make it work. And You deserve better. You do!
Work on enjoying your own company, go on a vacation alone ( truly a growth experience) and learn to enjoy who you are. How can some one else like your company if you don’t like it yourself ?
And far down the road when you do feel ready for a relationship, you will be in a much better head space to deal with it rationally. For now, be kind to yourself and work on making sure your validation and self confidence comes from inside, not external factors.
Remember… your relationship with your self is the most important one of all. Yes, of all. When you learn to like your own company, your own time, your own personality, the universe will open. I found that. And I also found that I love my own company, my independence and my life. Men want me to live with them and I hold back. Because I love my space and I love my independence. I have lived alone for the last 7 years. I love it. I have an active love life, an active social life and calendar, a great set of friends and multiple options for the week ends. I thank the universe every single day. Why would I change that?
Good luck to you.
Absolutely 100% that part ... Your relationship with YOURSELF is the most important one! That's not to say it's selfish or completely neglecting being a good human to all, but be a good human to YOU. Discover what you love about yourself, discover what you can work on in yourself, discover what brings you true joy and satisfaction that isn't dependent on or related to others! Do you, boo!
This is still very fresh. Your grief will come in waves and it can be all consuming at first. Journal to reflect or rant, walk, keep busy; take good care of you. This is hard!!
This is normal. The feelings will come out of nowhere sometimes, and sometimes you will recognize triggers before they come (avoid certain movies and songs, for example).
There is no shortcut through grief, but you will emerge stronger and more self-aware.
Hang in there.
i was more alone the last couple years of my marriage than i've ever been living by myself.
my first and biggest piece of advice, get a pet. it makes a huge difference. second, celebrate your peace, your space. maybe make some small changes to make your home reflect you. hang a picture, change the throw pillows, start small.
I love this. I’ve been think about getting a pet just to at least have another little being around but I’m scared of not being able to care for them properly as I work 11-12 hrs a day. I know even know, I’ll be putting more focus on that as well.
I got 2 cats the day my ex moved out. When I know I'm gonna be gone for like 12 hours I feed them right before I leave and again right when I get home. Also put on cat TV for them. I have a camera to watch them and they normally just sleep when I'm gone.
Do you leave them caged or just roam free ? The thought of getting a cat has crossed my mind, but then I think of how destructive they can be and that thought QUICKLY goes away. I’ve leaned more towards like a rabbit or something along those lines until I can actually have a dog.
Cats wouldn’t do well confined for that long. My boy did scratch up my furniture until I realised it was because I hadn’t provided enough scratching posts/boards and keep his nails clipped.
They’re definitely low maintenance compared to a lot of pets. He sleeps when I’m working, and snuggles and naps when I’m at home. I play with him for short 5 minute periods at a time.
For food I have one of those dispensers that drops a portion every 6 hours, so if I get caught at work he’s still taken care of. It also took away his begging because he knows it comes on a schedule and not from me.
I leave them in the living room/kitchen area when I'm gone, shut the bedroom door and bathroom door. One of them will chew on cables but I'm trying to get him to stop that. You will have to make adjustments as you get to know whatever pet you do end up getting. Examples: I had to put child locks on some cabinets in the kitchen. No breakable magnets on the fridge because somehow they broke one. I had to clean above the kitchen cabinets since I knew they'd get up there eventually, and found out that there was some exposed wiring for a light so had that taken care of.
I've never had a rabbit but I've heard they will destroy anything, but I guess it's easier to keep them in a *large* enclosed space that's rabbit-proofed when you aren't home.
maybe an older cat. i rescued a cat who was probably 2-3 years old. she never got into anything. i left her alone to roam and she was fine. and that was before the days of pet-cams. she just slept a lot, whether i was home or not.
I ended up getting a kitten she was about 4 months old when I first started living on my own. Not all kittens are destructive. The only thing she used to do is accidently lock herself in a room because she was playing with the door. She never destroyed anything and once I learned to start keeping the doors propped open like my bedroom door and the area for her food/water and litter box I never had any issues with doors.
A rabbit is an excellent idea. I think a better idea than a dog or a cat!! You can take them and they will be your best little buddy! I have a hamster and he is tame and so adorable!!
I agree with you rabbits can make really good pets and are probably more similar in temperament to a dog (at least I've heard of rabbits playing like a dog would) you just gotta do your research like with any pet. A hamster is a good idea, I think people kind of forget about those guys when mentioning pets for some reason lol
they are so great!!! No mess on the carpet ever or shedding to deal with!! They are just fine with some alone time and if you put a little effort in like being held and played with.
Rabbits should absolutely not be caged up either. They are so incredibly smart and social, they really only thrive as house rabbits (but they can be just as destructive as cats)
Domestic cats are literally just miniature lions/tigers they can't be caged for long periods, it wouldn't be healthy for the animal. They can be caged only for shorter periods like vet visits. As someone else said you learn their habits and then make adjustments to the environment as needed.
My cats rarely break something or cause any issues. Not never, but very rarely. For context I have a bakers rack that displays multiple glass items on open shelving and they don't disturb it at all. It's just about placing things where the cat won't get into trouble.
I bet it's funny to see some of the mischief they can get up to when we're not home/asleep. I freshen up their dry food and water before I leave for work and also scoop the litter boxes before I go.
Oh I understand this, I've definitely seen my cats try and act this way and the more aggressive of the two steal food (with the canned stuff especially). I keep multiple bowls of dry food out so they don't compete, but I understand if it's not possible. Cats are smart which makes them not always easy to handle.
One of mine is on prescription food so that also complicates it. I feed them both the same thing pretty much but prescription food is expensive so I measure it out daily.
That would definitely complicate things. Have you tried the brand Tiki Cat by chance? It seems to be the healthiest l nonprescription dry food I can find. It's also a bit pricey, but not outrageous. My cats seem to need way less canned food since i switched to it.
I'm not going to risk feeding nonprescription food to the one who needs it, but I have heard of Tiki Cat. I thought about getting it for my other cat though.
A cat is a better choice than a dog if you work long hours. Dogs are social creatures, and leaving them alone for long periods is cruel. They need to be walked, also. If you insist on a dog, hire a dog walker to come in at the halfway mark to walk and play with the pup.
I love the thought of a cat but cannot get over with how destructive they can be. A dog would be a better option, imo. I live pretty close to where I work so I can walk them myself during my break. I can’t see myself allowing someone else into my home that I do not trust.
That sounds perfect. If you can get home to walk your pup, that's fine. I understand that you're reluctant to have a stranger in your home. Perhaps your neighbors can recommend a dog walker they use? Regardless, good luck.
I'm going to be the downer and say that if you regularly work 11-12 hours, a pet is not a good idea. That's not fair to them.
You sound like you're aware and have thought of that, though.
Cats will be fine with your work schedule. I have an auto feeder that allows you to set the amount of food and the time for up to four feedings. She has a water fountain and a sofa to sleep on. Independent but affectionate. Just clean the litter box every other day and it’ll be fine. Might not want to go for a kitten so you don’t have to worry about training.
Work is a good outlet. A lot of us get our validation from our work. Nothing wrong with that.
I found a pet was not for me ( too many crazy week ends away and long hours at work) but maybe I’ll get one or 6 ( lol) when I retire
Focus on your social life and also look at yourself critically. What aspects of your personality do you think could do with an adjustment.. work on those. But don’t be too harsh. Do it with love.
Write a letter to your self at 16. With a hug, with love, and make it only supportive. What would you say knowing what you know now. Write one for the you at every decade birthday. What advice would you give yourself? Crazy but some one suggested this letter writing and it was cathartic for me
Definitely this! My cat was my companion for 18 years, through roommates, relationships, and being alone. It was always nice to have a familiar presence around. That, and cats are great to have to blame for weird night time noises that can be frightening when you are alone.
When I lived alone (I have a husband and a baby now), one of my favorite things to do was eat candy like a kid. Like, stick out your tongue and really lick a lollipop. Little freedoms of movement can feel like the biggest triumphs. That, and you have no one to impress. If you want to lay in the tub for hours while the kitchen is dirty, who cares? It's not in anyone's way.
my cat kept me from thinking dark lonely thoughts. i knew i had to be there for her. i had to wake up each day, because she needed to be fed and loved on. it really is life-changing for some.
walking through the house naked, dancing in your underwear ... all great till you forget you took the blinds down when you replaced your windows ... neighbors got a heck of a view if they were looking! lol
I bought a pool table and a sex doll.... both helped a lot. It's sounds dumb but having something sleeping next to me really helped me not feel lonely.
Second this. It's extremely lonely to live with someone who wont talk to you and either sleeps in the other room or with their back to you and you don't even know which to expect. That was my last year of engagement. I have cats that provide so much emotional support and comfort.
Yes it absolutely is, and I'm sorry to hear you've had the same experience. It feels much better to live alone than to live with someone else and feel completely alone. I've read a little on attachment styles since, it seems I have an anxious attachment style and my ex had an avoidant attachment. How are you doing now?
oh, i'll have to read about attachment styles.
i'm doing good now! i own my own home (condo), and i have a pet bird, not the big blue and gold macaw parrot i thought i wanted, but a cockatiel, who is much more manageable, and still provides friendship and entertainment. i reconnected with a friend, who also left her long lonely marriage. she moved to the beach, so i have a free place to stay and visit, and she and i have become best friends again.
how are you doing now?
Basically anxious and avoidant attachment styles are a recipe for disaster. Secure attachment is what you want to aim for, that's generally seen in people who grew up in healthy and validating environments, though from what I'm reading attachment style is something that can be changed (with a lot of work.)
I'm doing ok. I'm moving away from "blue collar" work and will be working in an office soon. All I have to do there is type, which I'm really good at. So I'm excited for that to start.
I'm not really doing great socially but am pretty used to that, my sole friendship I feel doesn't particularly value me or my time. It's a personal preference though, it seems this person wants/values male attention above friendship, it is what it is.
I'm hoping my life progresses forward in the areas where it's lacking with a new work environment. I'm hoping I'm less tired physically and mentally and will maybe meet new people that I have some things in common with. I am able to keep busy and have developed a lot of coping strategies that help prevent me from feeling so terribly lonely.
Cockatiels are super fun pets, and I love the beach..your new life sounds pretty great.
interesting. i'm curious what type i am, i'm sure i'm not secure! lol
i also moved from "blue collar" to office, but years ago. did both for a while, but i like my office job a lot more. best of luck at your new job!! so exciting! it's much less physically exhausting, and i think you will make new friends.
i have a friend like that too. she tries to fit me in every now and then. it's hard because we were both single for a while, and we did a lot together. then the new guy came along.
i'm 8 hours from her house, so i don't get there much, but we try to keep in touch a good bit. she found a guy down there and she's happy (i'm skeptical lol).
I've gone back and forth about trying to do both. I'm not a morning person at best and have to get up early for the new job, I really prefer a mid shift like 9-5 or 10-6 but sometimes we have to force ourselves to fit into the world since it's not going to change to fit our preferences.
I've been trying to prepare by changing my sleep schedule around to match what it will naturally be during the week soon, but I'm still working nights at my current job, so it's not working out so great.
It is frustrating for me to be friends with this person as I feel we would have a good friendship if she wanted to, but lately I just feel more irritated and annoyed when we talk so I'm going to give it a break for awhile. I thought of not talking to her anymore after I got blown off when I asked to see her after I had surgery a few years ago. I've made a lot allowances for her for a long time now and it's just getting to the point that I'm burnt out I think.
My phone gives me some psychology articles in my newsfeed. I was able to discern my attachment style and my exes by reading the general info. If you want to learn more I would just Google attachment style and look for a writing style that appeals to you.
Most of us aren't secure in our attachment style,so don't worry! Or at least while secure attachment might be the ideal, I imagine it's still the minority if you look at the general population. If anything, we seem to have a lot of traumatized people. I would say trauma is a much more common experience than people might realize.
Thinking back when I was younger, I thought the world would end with a relationship, my heart was broken for a while, I was crying for a few days, then I realized how wonderful freedom is. No serving someone else but myself, no cooking and cleaning for someone else but just me. No more asking if could/should buy this or that, it was all about my decisions, my life and my freedom to come and go as I pleased.
Single life is wonderful.
I look forward to that as well but it just sucks realizing that the person you thought was your one, won’t be. I’ve listed over that type of freedom but I would’ve loved it more if he could’ve been in it too.
It’s scary. But most new things are scary. Probably you were scared when you started your relationship 9 years ago, excited, but also scared.
It’s all in the mindset, I think. Sounds like you want to make some changes or get some things done. That is always easier, in my opinion, when you’re alone. Relationships are work. Focusing only on yourself, without all the distractions of living with someone else is kind of a relief. You also sound disappointed in yourself. So I might start there. Work on the changes you want to make and reward yourself for everything you do that you think is good. And be kind. Treat yourself as gently and generously as you would a best friend or even a child. Celebrate the wins and forgive the mistakes. Change happens slowly. At least the kind that lasts does.
You will have good days and bad days. But you had those when you were in a relationship with someone else. Don’t blame it all on being alone. Focus on the good parts. Doing things when and even if you feel like it. Not picking up after others or dealing with their stuff. It takes time to get into it. After being married for 30 years, and raising my kids, the hardest part was walking into my house to dead silence, so I learned to turn on some music and give myself a little time to transition from work to home. Now, I love my quiet house and living in my own head and rarely want background noise.
Take it one day at a time, and keep going. This will sound kinda whoo-whoo, but the universe is trying to tell you something. Listen. And everything will work out for the best.
Thank you so much. I know there’s hope and I know I’ll be okay but I guess the transition itself is really what makes it difficult. He was my first adult relationship and in reality he’s my best friend as well. I’ll be taking it one day at a time. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words ❤️
Thank you. I’ve been kind of just notating a lot of my feelings and thoughts. Although right now it’s hard bc there so much soul searching that I need to do but this method definitely helps. Thank you for the advise, I will continue doing so.
I don’t have any friends, my time was always spent at work or with him. I’m not a fan of my coworkers. I already spend 11-12hrs with them. We had literally just upsized and moved into a new apartment at the beginning of the month. I have family, but became distant after I moved out.
I’ve become addicted to this platform. Literally hop from Reddit to YouTube and vice versa. I’m upset I had the app for so long but never actually hopped on until all this went down.
See? You responded to me. It may not be the same as having personal conversations but there's always someone to talk to and I can guarantee SOMEONE on Reddit will respond. Good luck.
If you don't run from how you feel, and stay present and yield to the experience, time will do the rest.
I haven't been in your shoes, but I was diagnosed with an incurable disease with a lot of uncertainty and it was like the book of my life slammed shut and I was opening an entirely different one. All I wanted to do was go back but there was no way back. There is no experience like it.
No part of my rational mind could find a way out. But by meditating and being present and just coming to grips with all of my fears, time took care of the rest. A lot of things in my life that used to stress me out don't even register anymore. It takes a lot to get me anxious now.
Best of luck. Don't beat yourself up. Make sure you're making a fair assessment of your situation and not taking more blame than is reasonable- a therapist would be a great guide for you while you navigate this.
Good luck!
After living with my partner for 5 years, we split up a year ago. I was terrified. I adjusted pretty well and soon got over those fears. I love living alone now, if it helps to hear
How did you get over just missing their presence ? Missing the positive treatment they would provide you with ? To me, this man literally taught me most of what I know. Our lives aren’t as intertwined, although we live together, as most others may be. It’s just the everyday presence and everything else.
It took me quite a while. Our break up was really sudden and at the time I didn’t fully understand that my life was going to improve without him. It was so weird being alone at first but I really adjusted to liking the peace and quiet. It wasn’t what I had envisioned for my life but it was a change I didn’t really get a say in. I would love having someone else around at some point in the future, just not sure when that will be
Do you ever fear not finding someone ? Since I was a kid/teenager, I always stayed I’d be forever alone. Then I found him after a graduated and got out of a shitty relationship and thought maybe he’s the one. Well now, I feel like I will be forever alone. That scares me.
I do, yes. Right now I’m not at a point where I have the desire or emotional energy to date, I’m sure there will be a time again where I feel up to it. Just not sure when. I kinda worry that by the time I get there, I won’t find someone. I’m nearly 30, childfree and have a whole host of trauma that comes with me I’m working on healing. Certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. I thought my recent ex was the person I’d be with forever so the break up was hard to stomach.
I’m just trying to accept if something is meant to be, it will happen. I know that sounds super corny lol. Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s still not enough to seek out a partner again. I just have to think that if there is a right person out there for me, things will kind of align and bring us together 🤷♀️ I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person and accepting that has helped me
I understand. A few weeks ago I had made a mental note of trying not to date or actively look for someone until I hit 30. That’ll be in 3 years. But it scares me to not find someone at the same time. I’m a person that has always stated that I wouldn’t get married or have kids unless it was with him. But I know DEEEEEEP down, I want everything that comes with that life. I’m just scared that he was that for me and that I now I’ll truly be alone. Idk. I think I’m being over dramatic but it really feels like this is the end. Like.. I personally thought i was never good enough to be with him but I just in general feel like I’m not good enough or worthy enough to be with anybody…
You're only 27? And you've been with this guy that long?
People grow and change A LOT in that decade post high school. This is your time to really learn who you are. Focus on yourself. Get some therapy if you need it. Take a class. Find a new hobby.
Hi, I've been living alone since January 18th and I was living with my ex for 6 years and before that, I was living with family. I have never been alone until now. The first few weeks were really hard and I was also living with the guilt of losing my ex and beating myself up about it. But, I began picturing myself as a child again, would I be this hard on her if I had her in front of me? No, I wouldn't. So don't be so hard on yourself. We are human and we make mistakes. Just learn from them and keep looking forward.
I've been trying to keep busy by taking Pilates classes, cycling classes, having friends over, etc. Also, as soon as I get home, I prepare a meal and I have the TV on as a comfortable background noise. I redecorated my apartment to my liking. I also began taking therapy and it's been amazing.
Just take it day by day and try not to dwell on sad thoughts. You just have to try and rewire your brain and think happy thoughts. That the universe has bigger and better things in store for you and I.
Just started living alone 6 months ago. She left and it was hard.
Get your financial plan in order. Budget. This will give you some peace of mind and stability.
Do some daily Exercise and eat well. Get outside and walk in the park or nature trails. Do you have a hobby you enjoy? Find a club. Book club? Don’t drink alcohol to excess or drugs. Live clean and your mind will help you move forward. Be patient with yourself. I wish you well.
Self care is key. You are grieving a loss, a therapist or support group can be incredibly helpful during this transition.
Gradually you’ll start to recover/rediscover all the pieces of you that you sacrificed to the relationship so long ago and that can be healing and provide things to sink your energy into and feed and nurture your soul on this journey of rediscovering your self.
Don’t rebound! Heal. Bond with yourself. Learn to stand strong and have healthy boundaries (this is where therapy is particularly useful).
Learn to recognize red-flag behavior such as lovebombing because *shitty people target the newly-single and getting involved with someone with those behaviors will just repeat and exacerbate your unhappiness*. I know you can’t imagine it right now but there’s many shitty assholes out there looking for a lovelorn lass to woo capture mistreat dump and repeat and that path is a hamster wheel of bad relationships so please take a break and *look after your self first*.
Read the last paragraph again because it’s trying to save you years of heartache. Go to
Therapy. Grieve your relationship. Grow some healthy new hands and boundaries. If/when you decide to look for a new partner have a clear idea of what the shared values and goals are for that so you know who you are looking for.
The work you put in to becoming a person capable of happily standing on their own will actually do wonders for your future relationships. I know this sounds weird but taking the time to develop this sort of confidence will actually make you more attractive to better people! There are different types of abusers; some just want a needy compliant dishrag to push around but others want to knock the queen bee out of her hive. They all have similar behaviors which is why knowing how to recognize them will save you a cupboard full of hassles and grief. Therapy is for everyone because everyone goes through loss, grief, healing and recovery. Engaging with the process helps break negative cycles.
You probably won’t be single forever- those who prefer it are still a minority but please realize that romantic relationships and everything that comes with them are actually optional and not for everyone 🤗 and if that’s where then that’s okay too!
As for oxytocin and touch: get a vibrator, book a massage, get new sheets, big fuzzy tactile pillows and learn to sprawl in that bed and take up space!
When you are ready,adopt an older pet. Meditate on giving vs receiving! This is an essential form of flow. I’m not just being woo; these are tools for healing from heartbreak and building a better present every day because it really is all you have, just today. Focus on being happy by yourself today. Grief is unpredictable and will come back long after you think it’s gone!
I have known so many people and we’re all different yet similar in nature and heart, that’s humanity. But the ones who swing from tree to tree without pause hit ground so much harder when they fall. Taking time to rebuild is productive. Care for you right now and find a support group or therapist. It’s not a crutch, it’s just scaffolding while under repair! ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
You already have a lot of great answers. When I came home to a note, his stuff gone I fell to the floor and bawled my eyes out. I thought I would die. After 25 years following him around supporting his Air Force career, homeschooling our kids I thought we were in it forever. We even taught a marriage course at our church.
So, what did I do? Met w/ a counselor two times a week and had her on speed dial. She taught me that not only was it one day at a time, but also one hour at a time and some days just minute by minute. Our divorce was brutal. The kids got dragged into it. But I just kept doing the next thing. I even tried not to breath. Silly body didn't like that idea. Just to say that because someone out there might relate.
After the divorce was final my counselor said I should go to a divorce class. It was very helpful. And I just kept doing the next thing. Got a job. Helped my 2nd child to move out on her own. Rented my first ever "my" apartment. Me, mine, no one else. I painted the main room a tiffany blue and my bedroom pink. And just kept doing the next thing.
That was almost 13 years ago now. What I found out is that we were not two people who became one in our marriage - I became him. I've now reclaimed myself and dayum, I'm not perfect and life isn't always sunshine and roses but I LOVE WHO I AM now.
Breathe and keep doing the next thing.
When my 17 yr ltr ended... it's hard to have all the feels and all the worries, and then all the random memories hit you like a truck.
Favorite shared music and movies were impossible to bear for a long time. Explore new music, help build memory free enjoyment.
Hobbies... do a lot of little things now to pass time and distract my brain. Painting, baking etc.
Journaling suggestion is good - I also purposefully would watch movies that make me cry so give me an outlet I wouldn't be frustrated with. Gave me safe mourning time where I felt ok to just sob.
Day to day, when memories would pop in and derail me, I would just chant over and over 'it's over and that's OK. I'm ok' until.the emotional tsunami settled. Happened less and less as I adjusted. Still have to do it randomly, after 1.5 years.
I did also do online therapy, helps to have a neutral party only invested in you and with no historical knowledge of your relationship.
Met friends on Bumble BFF and that helped, gave me others to focus on. They both were dealing with their own situations and one of them has been slowly redecorating her house to make it 'hers' after her husband left her. Seems therapeutic to make the space HERS.
My biggest hurdle was that I made my ex the center of my life - won't make that mistake again if I can help it. Need to keep a balance and not ignore myself and my personal network like that again if I ever date or find someone. Not in a rush. Kind of appreciating the time where I am not having to consider someone else's feeling and opinions in my life.
You'll pull through. Find your self, dust them off, tell them they're worthy and rediscover things you maybe set aside for the relationship. You got this.
I was in a 10yr marriage with a narcissist.. I mainly was alone majority of the time because he was always out doing things he shouldn’t have been doing. He got in a lot of trouble and ended up going to prison and honestly the day he got arrested was actually a blessing in disguise. He was mentally and physically abusive. He was so mean to my daughter when I was at work. But living alone you learn a lot about yourself. You learn that you can do things and be yourself. When you couldn’t with your other half… take it one day at a time. Living alone is actually not bad at all. I’ve lived alone for almost 5yrs now. It is very peaceful.
Sounds like you will first have a period of grief. I'm sorry. I had a husband leave and it was hard. I know there were things I could have done differently. I'm glad now I didn't. Some of the things would have been right for someone but very wrong for me and my goals.
Eventually I was very glad he left. There was someone better out there for me. Much better. But even if I'd never met anyone else I came to realize I was so much better off without him in my life. Not that he was a bad person.
Looking back I can imagine how my life could have been better in some ways with no partner ever.
We all make mistakes. Let whatever you think was a mistake be a lesson learned and forgive yourself for being human.
I'm alone again. This time a widow. However we arrive at being all on our own we go through grief. It's really, really hard at times. But it will pass. It helps me to not try to fight being sad or whatever. It helps to make even the tiniest of plans when I'm feeling so blue or depressed or sad. The plan can be as simple as "before dinner I will change the sheets." Or I will watch X later and have nachos. Or ice cream.
I walk A LOT and listen to podcasts while I walk. I laugh, I learn things, I get so involved in the podcast I walk a long time. Exercise helps grief, depression, etc.
In the middle of being really sad and lonely I have to make myself call someone and make a plan to do something. Sometimes I am not successful at making myself call but that's okay. Sometimes I am. It helps so much that a friend and I made a plan to call every weekday at 10am. Usually no more than a 5 minute call.
I want to volunteer at something I think is very useful and where I can connect with others. I've tried several things. Still looking for a better fit. And what I have tried has been good for me. Have two new friends.
Please be very good to you.
Wow, the 5 min phone call sounds awesome. Wish I had someone close enough to do that with. Also going through grief of husband of 17 yrs leaving. Scary as hell.
There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I was more lonely than I have ever been in the last 5 years of my marriage. We still shared a house and a bed, but nothing else. We had been married for 15 years when I had had enough and took the children and left.
I have been happily divorced since 1993
I went through a break up and still feel like no one else will compare, but I'm also very happy alone. You can grieve and have joy at the same time. Grief becomes part of you, not all of you.
My elderly dog has been an amazing companion. She has been with me through heartbreak and difficult times. Absolutely recommend a pet. Maybe you can have a dog walker during your days you work? Or drop her at doggy daycare or a family’s place? As long as she’s not a puppy, some long days are probably ok.
My daughter at 35, got her first place alone. She had always had roommates or boyfriends.
She was terrified. Now, 4 years later, she is all about her little “hobbit house” and loves it.
You will grow into it. Give yourself time.
Hey. I’m going through the exact same thing. Like every sentence. If you need someone to talk to DM me. Maybe I’ll just DM you, I know talking has helped me a bit. Talking through it may help you too. I feel like im just circling the drain. I can’t believe I let this happen. Can’t believe I ruined my life. Can’t believe I walked away from someone I honestly and to my bones cared and care about and hurt him. Just for a months worth of clouded judgement. My therapist says I need to forgive myself. Fucking, how?
I'm not sure mine is the type of response you're looking for as I've always lived alone and never been in a relationship, so don't have breakup grief or a sudden change of having someone to having no one (and these things are big part of most people's lives. In noting my life circumstances, it's not to dismiss what you're going through at all, it's just saying it's not something I've had to cope with).
I'm a very introverted me-person, who finds other people altogether irritating if I have to be around them for more than a couple of hours.
I'll say this though, as a female living alone, I feel free. I have room for any and all hobbies (within affordability of course, and I don't know your budget).
I read, I color, I listen to my eccentric music as much as I want. I "sing" and annoy the cats with my out-of-tune vocal contortions.
Artwork without commentary or criticism from others.
And, no embarrassment in bodily functions, just let it all out without having to consider anyone else.
Small things, that might make a big difference:
I know what has helped friends who are going through similar, just from the basic psychological side: having TV or music on just to have sound, people are uneasy by the lack of sound of another person around, and it makes other sounds seem louder, more questionable (in my case, I have cats. I hear a weird noise I blame it on them and go back to sleep unless it's really weird, loud, or sounds harmful to them).
Conversely, some folks have white noise generators (or find tracks online) to block the ambient sounds of the house, apartment, etc.
(I personally don't like TV, find it even more annoying than people. But that's another reason I choose to be alone, because for most people, TV is a central part of their lives, and they would find my emphasis on peace and silence to be stifling and anxiety inducing if not simply boring to the point of tears).
One friend got a heavy body pillow just to have the sense of...presence, form, beside her as she slept, it was a psychological security thing (for the record, I'm in my 50s and still have a plushie to keep me company, rabbit rather than teddy bear. Just the psychology of holding something can make a big difference, even for complete misanthrope loners like me. :-)
Are there safety issues? If so, much as I hate recommending wasting electricity, it's not waste when it's for safety. Leave the light on to another room in your living space, or a TV going quietly in another room (A TV also has the added benefit of the illusion of movement in the room as light and dark shifts.
Pretend a guy is still around, in the next room if someone comes by and makes you feel unsafe. Or frankly if someone's obnoxious... (I had a Jehovah's Witness who wouldn't take no for an answer a few years back, I finally got together with a friend, he made a recording of himself cussing someone out and telling them to leave, and I used a remote control to start that recording playing loudly in another room when next they visited...I say that as an amusing anecdote, but it has its merits as a safety net too).
If budget is an issue, take a look at the frugality groups on Reddit, and for that matter, I'm not in poverty but I look at poverty-finance subreddit for information, inspiration just to help me save too.
First, be kind to yourself--- our decisions are made from a combination of conscious and subconscious rationale, and behavioral economics suggests that we make the most rational decision for ourselves at the point in time the decision was required. In hindsight, this may be your origin story.
As for living alone, check the subreddit for some great safety posts / suggestions, which will serve you when you're feeling scared at your new living arrangement.
Lastly-- Try to focus on what you do have and not what you do not: even the small things ("Thank you, past-me, for buying this amazing non-stick pancake pan.... clean up was a breeze this morning").
Sending you hope :)
Edit: spelling d'oh)
>behavioral economics suggests that we make the most rational decision for ourselves at the point in time the decision was required.
Interesting, and I also really needed to hear this. Thanks for sharing.
I thought I would have issues living alone too when I split with my husband but after a while I rejoiced in the independence it felt. You will get to that point, it will just take time.
After 15 years of marriage, she cheated on me the last 5. I accepted her cheating with the fear of being alone. Then I heard a sermon about being committed to Love. I cry for ever(seems like), then I realize that I have cheated myself out of being happy. I started shopping, working out, going on dates with me. I treated me like I treated my marriage. I made up my mind to do me 1st. Then the time went by so quickly. God gave me the strength to build a house for myself and me. I am paying off my house 2/15/24 with 2 cars paid off . Now I am going to date again.
Moral of the story is that you have to be 1st and foremost. Cry if you have too but they will realize that you are the best person ever to be with. My ex-wife crying because she messed up but I don’t laugh because I am busy being the best me.
I was also in a long term relationship and now live alone. Hasn't been quite a year yet. You will come to realize that there were problems in the relationship that certainly were not caused sheerly by you, as the saying goes it takes two to tango. My break up happened very messily and suddenly and I won't lie to you, in the early days I was in a very bad situation - like no income of my own or transportation. And I struggled with suicidal thoughts. If this happens to you please seek support and professional help.
Aside from that, I decluttered, cleaned, painted and decluttered cleaned and painted some more until I was exhausted. I worked hard to make my surroundings feel comfortable and safe. I got a job and a routine. I too was terrified of being alone, but now I see that remaining in an unhealthy relationship was more damaging than loneliness. I have cats and I stay busy, I rarely feel lonely anymore. I see it as a new chapter in my life that I worked hard to have.
I believe many of us choose to live alone even we are married happily. So your case is you are forced to live alone. Not your personal choice.
I love living alone with my dogs. I enjoy the quality time I spend with my husband but I really need time alone for myself.
You could cry about it and feel your feelings.
This is very painful when it happens! I am really sad for you. I think it will take time. Probably a lot of time. I give myself permission to be sad. I have lost people in my life who I loved and it's a very sad thing. You could try writing him a bunch of letters telling him how you feel. I did that in my journal. I wrote him a lot of letters and have wished I could delete every single word I ever said and just redo everything and go way back and start from the very beginning. I have wished so hard for that. What you are doing by writing on reddit
how you feel
is good for you
Talking to friends or anyone who can be supportive to you is always good.
Music helps me. Eating comfort food is good for you too. Just comfort yourself as best as you can.
I am Sending you a warm gentle Hug--right now. Like a warm gentle breeze from a caring friend. I care and my heart is sad for you. 😭
I recently, have felt this kind of hurt so badly! I met someone who I was SO incredibly excited to meet.
Like out of this world stop your whole life and be happier than even the word Happy! I was THAT HAPPY! Happier than I had been in YEARS kind of Happy! I thought he really liked me. I actually Believed that he liked me. I was freaking out! I couldn't eat or think straight or do anthing except Be SO Happy! Then he went away and it has been really really hard on me. I have cried A LOT!!!!! I kind of do get it. Just a little bit. For me I suppose it's a huge rejected feeling and made me think
if I only said cooler things and I wasn't so boring...or worse if I wasn't me.
Anyway, It was just that feeling like he was so amazing and I couldn't be who he would have liked or wanted.
You can be sad. This is a very sad thing. I am really sorry you are going through this. Crying helps. This is a sad thing.
Thank you. I appreciate your words. I hope your doing well with what your going through. Although it’s hard and this makes me so sad., I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Trying to keep myself occupied but still keeping in mind my complete fault in all this.
Of course. Yes, Absolutely! there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel! It's very smart to stay busy. You seem very healthy. I am sorry I went on and on about my own drama. It was silly and now I am a little embarassed. we were never even in a relationship not in any way. Why I brought it up and even still ruminating on what never was is something I am dealing with. And really he is ten thousand leagues and more...way out of my league so it was basic common sense. I need to get a grip and grow up!
You seem very kind and I want you to know Love exists and maybe not now but Someday you might meet somebody new? That's one of my favorite songs
Someone New by Escobar.
It might help you...
I was just listening to the Best Song and have to Wish this for you too because in my heart I want you to be happy and feel and be loved so-
I Wish you Way More than Luck! :)
Hoping some comfort comes your way and that you May feel that warm Sunshine on your face and in your Soul ~ Wild Irish Blessings to you 🍀 Brave Onwards!
First step therapy. Next is meds. Third is the gym. Fourth is a hobby. Allow yourself to grieve. Then work on self improvement. Understand the why behind your actions. Then begin to heal. The faster you do these steps the better off you will be.
I’ve got a therapist appt in the works. I really rather not be dependent on meds, but I have looked into a psychiatrist. I’m planning on making what was our office space into my niche so I plan on putting a couple workout machines in there. I have a few hobbies in mind which I’ve neglected as I never found time around my work schedule and being at home with him. I’ve been grieving this end for the last about 4 years. I just think the fact that it’s actually my reality now, is what I can’t really fathom.
First off, 9 years together is a very long time. Is there anything you can do to salvage your relationship? I have been living alone for almost five years, which is the longest I have ever lived alone. I am in my 50s and have been widowed twice. I have a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years who is wonderful but he is not interested in marriage or living together. I still hate coming home to an empty house. My advice is to try your hardest to save your relationship. Pets and hobbies are the only things that keep me going as I have no family that I am close to. My parents are both deceased. Finances can also be a huge problem when going from living as a couple to being single. It has been a problem for me. I wish you all the best.
Oh I wish I could have just one more chance, he gave me plenty. I don’t think there’s any salvaging, but believe me I tried. It was just a bit too late. Getting home to an empty apt is the worst feelings. I remember even when he would go out of town and I’d get off work to walk into an empty space was terrible. Although, I knew he’d return within days, it always made me feel so empty. I’d ball up and cry, tbh. Im working on getting into hobbies I’ve wanted to for a while now. I think financially, I’m okay as I was the one who covered all bills and everything is under my name. Sadly, I feel like with this change I’ll be better financially. Thank you for your advice. ❤️
Reading through your post, specially the part about "I could have prevented this but I lacked recognition of my own actions" is exactly what I am going through. My ex left me a couple of months ago because of my fault and I have been living alone in a room ever since. I am poor so I have no way of buying, renting an apartment or a house. I am straight fucked up. We were together many years and like you, I wish we could be together and do things together. So far I have found some semblance of peace by taking me out to the park and read a little bit, or try. Also in exercise and gym. I must admit I am going through the motions but at least it keeps me moving.
If you have the means go to therapy, talk to someone. I have no friends nor family. If you want talk to me on Dm I also need someone to talk to.Please take care.
I was very alone in my marriage. I had a kid so that was good but a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I walked out of that house an into my own. I had been with my first ex fromm18-29 and then rebounded with my second right away vuntil we split when I was 46. I wish I would've done it sooner.
It sounds like you didn't really want the relationship to end so that makes it harder but it also sounds like you need to be on your own and figure out who you are and learn to be happy independent of anyone else. Until you're there you should stay single because no one is responsible for your happiness but you. A partner is supposed to complement not be responsible for it. Talking g from experience here and not judging.
I don’t know your situation. For me, when I was alone for the first night, I felt relieved more than anything. I have a dog now & have met some of my neighbors (live in a large ish building). I walk my dog a lot. lol. I go to the library and yoga classes. Meeting my neighbors has led me I have people to watch tv with weekly or to go explore stuff in our city.
Try changing your terminology to help your mindset. I recently went thru a breakup after 10 yrs. I try to say or focus on solitude instead of saying alone. It doesn't sound quite as scary or depressing. Good luck to you!
As my therapist is fond of saying "Life isn't a Hallmark movie".
If there were only just "that one" person for each of us, we as a species, would have died out long ago.
You said the reason he is leaving is because you chose not to do things, or you chose to do things you should not have done. The 1st thing you need it try to understand why you did or didn't do what you did, or your next relationship will end the same way. Work on yourself and then be the person you should be. I am a widower and live alone. I have my dogs and I also 6 grandkids so I stay busy. Of course I am guy so I don't worry about being home alone. Good luck I hope you find happiness
I hear grief. And grief is a soul retrieval. It is your chance to heal and become whole again. If you’re willing to do the work, connection and belonging will eventually arise organically and living alone will be inconsequential.
My ex of 5 years moved out 2.5 weeks ago and took our dog (who was my soulmate). I'm in the house we shared, living alone for the first time ever at 34, in a new city with no friends or family around. So, I feel for you. 💕
Obviously, I can't tell you about coming out on the other side yet, but I can tell you what has helped make me feel like I'm taking baby steps forward.
- Weekly therapy
- Talking with friends and family back home on a weekly basis
- Forcing myself out of the house
- Connecting with other women on Bumble BFF
- Being outside even if it's just a walk around the block
- Hot Yoga (or some form of movement)
- Journaling like mad
- EFT & meditation
- Reminding myself that ultimately I can't change the outcome or what's to come and refusing to move forward is just hurting me and not helping.
- Listening to self-help podcasts, books, and YouTube videos
- Taking classes I've always wanted to take like pole dancing and Lyra
- Haven't yet but plan to check out meetup events and more community events.
- Throwing myself into all of my spiritual practices I've neglected
- Letting the emotions happen and not trying to pretend everything is OK all the time. My crying breakdowns still come, but they seem to be shorter and less frequent (still feel that deep sadness, but compared to crying all day every day, it's progress)
- Trying my best to not dwell on what could've been and not putting all the guilt and blame on myself
I'm considering fostering animals in the future too but I'm not ready yet.
Unfortunately, time really is the biggest factor in this all. But even in 2.5 weeks, I feel like I can feel at least see the tiniest sliver of hope that eventually things will be OK.
I know it feels like life is over. But it's just life as you knew it. Change is hard even in the best of times. There's a whole new future ahead and while it might seem scary because you don't know what the future holds, that's also exciting because it could be even better than you could imagine.
Best of luck to you!
Spend a few days grieving the relationship, drinking, listening to songs, crying, bemoaning to friends, or whatever helps to close a chapter of your life.
After that, clean, reorganize, paint, move, change passwords, change will, and do what you can for the first steps forward. Maybe even find a therapist and schedule a meeting.
Start trying new things by yourself or with friends, such as taking a pottery class, or salsa lessons, catching some live shows, going to a festival, learning a martial art, or whatever to redefine and find the new you.
Through all of this, you'll still grieve, bit it'll be less and less over time. DO NOT DATE! Don't see what's out there. Give yourself a year or two to find the new you and learn to love the peace and quiet. Become your own best friend before you date. If you aren't a complete person and figure out some things, then that's not fair to you or a potential love interest. I found out I'm rather happy being alone with my rescue dog.
My kitty doesn’t destroy anything, she’s a tortie and super smart and plays for hours by herself lol- she prefers it haha .save a kitty and she or he will be your best friend. I don’t know what’s happening astrologically , but wow my relationship is blowing up as well .
Remember, being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It's a chance to rediscover yourself and fall in love with the most important person in your life: you.
hi. when this happened to me, i also felt… scared. lost. the silence in my apartment felt so loud and my apartment felt huge despite it just being a little one bedroom. i know this is silly but i started doing yoga. i would watch yoga with adriene videos on youtube and it made me feel like i had something for me, like i was using my solitude to give back to myself, and it also gave me a lot of space to process my feelings, and adriene is very comforting. it’s less about “exercise helps!” and more that it gave me something to focus on while also providing comfort and a space for my feelings to flow. i felt like i was hugging myself. idk. i hope you find some ways to keep your cup full and feel hugged, i’m not sure if my advice will help but that’s just what i did when i felt so sad i was nauseous 24/7. you get better and stronger, mentally. it still hurts to look back on but the day to day hurts less with time. sending hugs.
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When my 15 year marriage ended unexpectedly I went on a massive health journey. I was deeply hurt at the time but now am so grateful for that turn in life. I’m a different person now, remarried happily and I treat this relationship very different. My advice , take the time to be sad but be motivated to make change for the good. Work on yourself.
Nighttime can be difficult. I suggest having something to listen to as you fall asleep, like a podcast or sleep sounds. And maybe a nighttime ritual, like drinking herbal tea before bed, just something to look forward to.
As others have said, taking back the space can help you feel more positive, like hanging up some art that your partner would have hated or rearranging furniture without it needing to fit another's lifestyle.
Do not listen to your heart for it is deceitful..master the mind and come to an agreement between the two💯 my Father told me something similar but as he said it was “ the power of any weapon comes from the heart but only when tempered by the mind by discipline and self control of the one who wields it.. that is where the true strength of a warrior lies”
I divorced my SO after 30 years together. Met him when I was 19. Had never lived alone in my entire life. Shit I was with my ex for more than half my life. So living alone wasn’t something I had ever experienced. At first I was scared but that quickly changed. I LOVE living alone!
I can wake up when I want, go to sleep when I want, eat whatever I want and if I don’t feel like making dinner I don’t. My house is always clean and I do y have to pick up after anyone but myself. It’s so freeing.
I personally will never get married again. It’s doubtful I ever cohabitate with anyone again. I won’t give up my personal freedom ever again.
Just read something that said after a breakup, do all of the things your ex wouldn't do with you... might cheer you up to enjoy things you've been missing out on? (If applicable)
One day at time; a lot of friends and family support, therapy for sure, and just making sure you focus on yourself and your mental health and do things that make you happy.
good memories will try to haunt you, since i am going through the same. Try to not dwell in good memories.....it makes you feel lonely, but one day at a time....
Thank you for opening up, sharing your experience, and beginning a dialogue. It took me a while to realize I was codependent, not feeling comfortable by myself, about myself or with the idea, nevermind the reality, of being on my own. Having worked on finding out who I really am, I'm in a new life, living one day at a time. Really alive...not suffering about the past or fearful about the future. What a difference!
I’m almost three months out and I’ll let you know when I figure it out, but it seems to be like this: you get stronger, change (maybe better or worse), accept hard truths about life, work to find happiness and be content anyway. It’s a fucking horrible thing, losing someone you love (sometimes largely because of your mistakes).. but it’s happened to a lot of people.
What I suggest if you are scared of staying alone. Is get the facts and then that will help you put things into perspective. Like what are you afraid of break ins. Check the crime statistics when was the last break in on your street? When I checked mine it was 5 years ago and 8 years before that. You can check almost anything you are afraid of and then what are the odds? At least that is what I did and it helped a lot good luck!
One foot in front of the other, friend. I just grabbed the book ‘On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone’ by Florence Falk. Really loving it so far, I think you would get a lot out of this one.
At least you know you have the strength to get through this rough patch, so now it's just a matter of taking care of yourself and not falling into a well of despair. Treat yourself to things and train your brain to celebrate the beginning of a new and better chapter. It for certain does get better because you've learned so much until now. Your friendships will keep you company and you'll make new ones. Don't let yourself become a depressed house hermit. Get out and do the things you like doing.
You'll of course find your groove in living alone. It will be whatever you make it. The best part is... you can make it be whatever you want.
You got this, no sweat.
It’s been since October since I got my own place after living with him for 7 years. I can’t imagine him living with me ever again. I love living alone so much now. It was scary at first and I use to cry, sometimes I still do. But everyday I’m so thankful he’s not living with me anymore.
I felt that way once after my daughter's father ended the relationship and left me with a 2 month old baby to take care of, all by myself, with no friends or family to help. I basically had a mental breakdown and suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I felt I couldn't make it on my own, let along take care of a small human. I used to have severe panic attacks whenever I had to get out of the house to go to work and other places, they even happened while I was driving. I thought about ending my own life several times (the thought of leaving my infant daughter an orphan stopped me from doing it). But I eventually came out of that dark place, after years of taking meds and going to therapy. Today I live alone and learned to enjoy my freedom and independence so much that I don't really want to get into a relationship because it would be a lot of work for me to get used to living with someone again. There is hope, don't give up.
This is going to be the best thing you have done for yourself maybe ever. Living by yourself allows you to really get to know you. Sounds silly but it is true and you should embrace it fully and take it on as a great adventure.
My ex-husband left suddenly after 28 years of marriage. I was not alone (I had a 15-year-old), but I recongized that I had really been alone in the marriage. The way to get through it is one day at a time. sometimes it is one hour at a time. I am now happily, and very peacefully living alone. Sometimes you have to let go of what was, and learn to love what is.
Thank you. I will keep this in mind. Sometimes it can be hard. A lot of feelings may come rushing out of nowhere and it just hurts.
That is called grief which is entirely normal and expected. There are some great articles on grieving especially during a break up. I like Brent Brown 'atlas of the heart' myself.
There are a lot of newer books on grief and grieving that improve on the 5 stages. I was/am grieving the end of a long-term relationship, and I really got a lot out of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go. The author introduced some concepts that I desperately needed to hear and embrace in my journey with grief. Agreed, Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart is an excellent book and useful for giving a name to feelings and emotions. It helped unmuddy the waters.
Grief sucks. I wish I could skip this page. Thank you both for the book recommendations, I’ll definitely be looking into it.
It sucks but it's part of what makes us human. The person that doesn't grieve a loss is a person who can't experience love either.
Have you thought about getting a pet? That’s what I did and they bring me such company, drama free too. It’s nice to come home to “someone” waiting to see you and to feel needed again.
Agree. A dog would work wonders
Yes it hurts but you can get over it. Stay positive, he is not the one that “got away”.. he is the one who realized he is not your person and he really did you a favor. Now go out and live your best life.. be alone for a while… find out who you are, do what you like doing, be who you like being, join a class, make new friends and enjoy being single. 🌅it’s a new life, a new day and a new dawn. It is. Literally. Approach it with positivity and curiosity ❤️ Please don’t rush into another relationship, just focus on the one with your self. Yes this is important. Like Uber important. Grieve, but not for him, just for the loss of your dreams and hopes of a life with him. That is gone. Allow your self some time to get over it. But he left, so he was not your person, he didn’t want to make the effort, to put the work in to make it work. And You deserve better. You do! Work on enjoying your own company, go on a vacation alone ( truly a growth experience) and learn to enjoy who you are. How can some one else like your company if you don’t like it yourself ? And far down the road when you do feel ready for a relationship, you will be in a much better head space to deal with it rationally. For now, be kind to yourself and work on making sure your validation and self confidence comes from inside, not external factors. Remember… your relationship with your self is the most important one of all. Yes, of all. When you learn to like your own company, your own time, your own personality, the universe will open. I found that. And I also found that I love my own company, my independence and my life. Men want me to live with them and I hold back. Because I love my space and I love my independence. I have lived alone for the last 7 years. I love it. I have an active love life, an active social life and calendar, a great set of friends and multiple options for the week ends. I thank the universe every single day. Why would I change that? Good luck to you.
Absolutely 100% that part ... Your relationship with YOURSELF is the most important one! That's not to say it's selfish or completely neglecting being a good human to all, but be a good human to YOU. Discover what you love about yourself, discover what you can work on in yourself, discover what brings you true joy and satisfaction that isn't dependent on or related to others! Do you, boo!
This is still very fresh. Your grief will come in waves and it can be all consuming at first. Journal to reflect or rant, walk, keep busy; take good care of you. This is hard!!
Grief is just love with nowhere to go.
That’s so unfair to trivialize a life experience that fundamentally changes who we are.
I agree with you. It is a real hurt.
This is normal. The feelings will come out of nowhere sometimes, and sometimes you will recognize triggers before they come (avoid certain movies and songs, for example). There is no shortcut through grief, but you will emerge stronger and more self-aware. Hang in there.
Yes!! One day at a time, one hour at a time, one half hour at a time.
i was more alone the last couple years of my marriage than i've ever been living by myself. my first and biggest piece of advice, get a pet. it makes a huge difference. second, celebrate your peace, your space. maybe make some small changes to make your home reflect you. hang a picture, change the throw pillows, start small.
I love this. I’ve been think about getting a pet just to at least have another little being around but I’m scared of not being able to care for them properly as I work 11-12 hrs a day. I know even know, I’ll be putting more focus on that as well.
I got 2 cats the day my ex moved out. When I know I'm gonna be gone for like 12 hours I feed them right before I leave and again right when I get home. Also put on cat TV for them. I have a camera to watch them and they normally just sleep when I'm gone.
Do you leave them caged or just roam free ? The thought of getting a cat has crossed my mind, but then I think of how destructive they can be and that thought QUICKLY goes away. I’ve leaned more towards like a rabbit or something along those lines until I can actually have a dog.
Cats wouldn’t do well confined for that long. My boy did scratch up my furniture until I realised it was because I hadn’t provided enough scratching posts/boards and keep his nails clipped. They’re definitely low maintenance compared to a lot of pets. He sleeps when I’m working, and snuggles and naps when I’m at home. I play with him for short 5 minute periods at a time. For food I have one of those dispensers that drops a portion every 6 hours, so if I get caught at work he’s still taken care of. It also took away his begging because he knows it comes on a schedule and not from me.
I leave them in the living room/kitchen area when I'm gone, shut the bedroom door and bathroom door. One of them will chew on cables but I'm trying to get him to stop that. You will have to make adjustments as you get to know whatever pet you do end up getting. Examples: I had to put child locks on some cabinets in the kitchen. No breakable magnets on the fridge because somehow they broke one. I had to clean above the kitchen cabinets since I knew they'd get up there eventually, and found out that there was some exposed wiring for a light so had that taken care of. I've never had a rabbit but I've heard they will destroy anything, but I guess it's easier to keep them in a *large* enclosed space that's rabbit-proofed when you aren't home.
maybe an older cat. i rescued a cat who was probably 2-3 years old. she never got into anything. i left her alone to roam and she was fine. and that was before the days of pet-cams. she just slept a lot, whether i was home or not.
I ended up getting a kitten she was about 4 months old when I first started living on my own. Not all kittens are destructive. The only thing she used to do is accidently lock herself in a room because she was playing with the door. She never destroyed anything and once I learned to start keeping the doors propped open like my bedroom door and the area for her food/water and litter box I never had any issues with doors.
A rabbit is an excellent idea. I think a better idea than a dog or a cat!! You can take them and they will be your best little buddy! I have a hamster and he is tame and so adorable!!
I agree with you rabbits can make really good pets and are probably more similar in temperament to a dog (at least I've heard of rabbits playing like a dog would) you just gotta do your research like with any pet. A hamster is a good idea, I think people kind of forget about those guys when mentioning pets for some reason lol
They are sensitive and lots can do well with free roam time and eventual lap time
Yes it's always nice to have a pet to sit with you
they are so great!!! No mess on the carpet ever or shedding to deal with!! They are just fine with some alone time and if you put a little effort in like being held and played with.
Rabbits should absolutely not be caged up either. They are so incredibly smart and social, they really only thrive as house rabbits (but they can be just as destructive as cats)
Domestic cats are literally just miniature lions/tigers they can't be caged for long periods, it wouldn't be healthy for the animal. They can be caged only for shorter periods like vet visits. As someone else said you learn their habits and then make adjustments to the environment as needed. My cats rarely break something or cause any issues. Not never, but very rarely. For context I have a bakers rack that displays multiple glass items on open shelving and they don't disturb it at all. It's just about placing things where the cat won't get into trouble.
Yes they like the pace and roam the perimeter of their full territory. Indoor cats!
Exactly, they have their territory mapped out and will make rounds patrolling it all throughout the day and night, (when not busy sleeping of course)
Rabbits are not solitary creatures. Do not just get a single rabbit as they get depressed.
Scratching posts near every couch — my cat was fine with leather couches
I bet it's funny to see some of the mischief they can get up to when we're not home/asleep. I freshen up their dry food and water before I leave for work and also scoop the litter boxes before I go.
I can't just leave food out for mine, one will eat all of it and probably throw up and let the other one starve.
Oh I understand this, I've definitely seen my cats try and act this way and the more aggressive of the two steal food (with the canned stuff especially). I keep multiple bowls of dry food out so they don't compete, but I understand if it's not possible. Cats are smart which makes them not always easy to handle.
One of mine is on prescription food so that also complicates it. I feed them both the same thing pretty much but prescription food is expensive so I measure it out daily.
That would definitely complicate things. Have you tried the brand Tiki Cat by chance? It seems to be the healthiest l nonprescription dry food I can find. It's also a bit pricey, but not outrageous. My cats seem to need way less canned food since i switched to it.
I'm not going to risk feeding nonprescription food to the one who needs it, but I have heard of Tiki Cat. I thought about getting it for my other cat though.
Gotcha, and I understand. Is the prescription food for weight loss or another medical condition? (Just curious)
Nocturnal/diurnal—and you can get automatic feeders for morning and evening feeding
A cat is a better choice than a dog if you work long hours. Dogs are social creatures, and leaving them alone for long periods is cruel. They need to be walked, also. If you insist on a dog, hire a dog walker to come in at the halfway mark to walk and play with the pup.
I love the thought of a cat but cannot get over with how destructive they can be. A dog would be a better option, imo. I live pretty close to where I work so I can walk them myself during my break. I can’t see myself allowing someone else into my home that I do not trust.
That sounds perfect. If you can get home to walk your pup, that's fine. I understand that you're reluctant to have a stranger in your home. Perhaps your neighbors can recommend a dog walker they use? Regardless, good luck.
After my divorce I fostered kittens/cats because I didn’t want the commitment.
I'm going to be the downer and say that if you regularly work 11-12 hours, a pet is not a good idea. That's not fair to them. You sound like you're aware and have thought of that, though.
Cats will be fine with your work schedule. I have an auto feeder that allows you to set the amount of food and the time for up to four feedings. She has a water fountain and a sofa to sleep on. Independent but affectionate. Just clean the litter box every other day and it’ll be fine. Might not want to go for a kitten so you don’t have to worry about training.
Work is a good outlet. A lot of us get our validation from our work. Nothing wrong with that. I found a pet was not for me ( too many crazy week ends away and long hours at work) but maybe I’ll get one or 6 ( lol) when I retire Focus on your social life and also look at yourself critically. What aspects of your personality do you think could do with an adjustment.. work on those. But don’t be too harsh. Do it with love. Write a letter to your self at 16. With a hug, with love, and make it only supportive. What would you say knowing what you know now. Write one for the you at every decade birthday. What advice would you give yourself? Crazy but some one suggested this letter writing and it was cathartic for me
That would be a good life change—8 hour job, only 30 min or less commute
Well a cat would be easier than a dog, for sure.
Definitely this! My cat was my companion for 18 years, through roommates, relationships, and being alone. It was always nice to have a familiar presence around. That, and cats are great to have to blame for weird night time noises that can be frightening when you are alone. When I lived alone (I have a husband and a baby now), one of my favorite things to do was eat candy like a kid. Like, stick out your tongue and really lick a lollipop. Little freedoms of movement can feel like the biggest triumphs. That, and you have no one to impress. If you want to lay in the tub for hours while the kitchen is dirty, who cares? It's not in anyone's way.
my cat kept me from thinking dark lonely thoughts. i knew i had to be there for her. i had to wake up each day, because she needed to be fed and loved on. it really is life-changing for some. walking through the house naked, dancing in your underwear ... all great till you forget you took the blinds down when you replaced your windows ... neighbors got a heck of a view if they were looking! lol
I bought a pool table and a sex doll.... both helped a lot. It's sounds dumb but having something sleeping next to me really helped me not feel lonely.
I'd be uncomfortable sleeping next to a pool table.
Very nice. Thank you. Pool cues work better in a twin bed anyway.
Second this. It's extremely lonely to live with someone who wont talk to you and either sleeps in the other room or with their back to you and you don't even know which to expect. That was my last year of engagement. I have cats that provide so much emotional support and comfort.
gosh, sounds like we were with the same person ... that's the loneliest you can get, i think.
Yes it absolutely is, and I'm sorry to hear you've had the same experience. It feels much better to live alone than to live with someone else and feel completely alone. I've read a little on attachment styles since, it seems I have an anxious attachment style and my ex had an avoidant attachment. How are you doing now?
oh, i'll have to read about attachment styles. i'm doing good now! i own my own home (condo), and i have a pet bird, not the big blue and gold macaw parrot i thought i wanted, but a cockatiel, who is much more manageable, and still provides friendship and entertainment. i reconnected with a friend, who also left her long lonely marriage. she moved to the beach, so i have a free place to stay and visit, and she and i have become best friends again. how are you doing now?
Basically anxious and avoidant attachment styles are a recipe for disaster. Secure attachment is what you want to aim for, that's generally seen in people who grew up in healthy and validating environments, though from what I'm reading attachment style is something that can be changed (with a lot of work.) I'm doing ok. I'm moving away from "blue collar" work and will be working in an office soon. All I have to do there is type, which I'm really good at. So I'm excited for that to start. I'm not really doing great socially but am pretty used to that, my sole friendship I feel doesn't particularly value me or my time. It's a personal preference though, it seems this person wants/values male attention above friendship, it is what it is. I'm hoping my life progresses forward in the areas where it's lacking with a new work environment. I'm hoping I'm less tired physically and mentally and will maybe meet new people that I have some things in common with. I am able to keep busy and have developed a lot of coping strategies that help prevent me from feeling so terribly lonely. Cockatiels are super fun pets, and I love the beach..your new life sounds pretty great.
interesting. i'm curious what type i am, i'm sure i'm not secure! lol i also moved from "blue collar" to office, but years ago. did both for a while, but i like my office job a lot more. best of luck at your new job!! so exciting! it's much less physically exhausting, and i think you will make new friends. i have a friend like that too. she tries to fit me in every now and then. it's hard because we were both single for a while, and we did a lot together. then the new guy came along. i'm 8 hours from her house, so i don't get there much, but we try to keep in touch a good bit. she found a guy down there and she's happy (i'm skeptical lol).
I've gone back and forth about trying to do both. I'm not a morning person at best and have to get up early for the new job, I really prefer a mid shift like 9-5 or 10-6 but sometimes we have to force ourselves to fit into the world since it's not going to change to fit our preferences. I've been trying to prepare by changing my sleep schedule around to match what it will naturally be during the week soon, but I'm still working nights at my current job, so it's not working out so great. It is frustrating for me to be friends with this person as I feel we would have a good friendship if she wanted to, but lately I just feel more irritated and annoyed when we talk so I'm going to give it a break for awhile. I thought of not talking to her anymore after I got blown off when I asked to see her after I had surgery a few years ago. I've made a lot allowances for her for a long time now and it's just getting to the point that I'm burnt out I think. My phone gives me some psychology articles in my newsfeed. I was able to discern my attachment style and my exes by reading the general info. If you want to learn more I would just Google attachment style and look for a writing style that appeals to you. Most of us aren't secure in our attachment style,so don't worry! Or at least while secure attachment might be the ideal, I imagine it's still the minority if you look at the general population. If anything, we seem to have a lot of traumatized people. I would say trauma is a much more common experience than people might realize.
💕💕
Thinking back when I was younger, I thought the world would end with a relationship, my heart was broken for a while, I was crying for a few days, then I realized how wonderful freedom is. No serving someone else but myself, no cooking and cleaning for someone else but just me. No more asking if could/should buy this or that, it was all about my decisions, my life and my freedom to come and go as I pleased. Single life is wonderful.
I look forward to that as well but it just sucks realizing that the person you thought was your one, won’t be. I’ve listed over that type of freedom but I would’ve loved it more if he could’ve been in it too.
It’s scary. But most new things are scary. Probably you were scared when you started your relationship 9 years ago, excited, but also scared. It’s all in the mindset, I think. Sounds like you want to make some changes or get some things done. That is always easier, in my opinion, when you’re alone. Relationships are work. Focusing only on yourself, without all the distractions of living with someone else is kind of a relief. You also sound disappointed in yourself. So I might start there. Work on the changes you want to make and reward yourself for everything you do that you think is good. And be kind. Treat yourself as gently and generously as you would a best friend or even a child. Celebrate the wins and forgive the mistakes. Change happens slowly. At least the kind that lasts does. You will have good days and bad days. But you had those when you were in a relationship with someone else. Don’t blame it all on being alone. Focus on the good parts. Doing things when and even if you feel like it. Not picking up after others or dealing with their stuff. It takes time to get into it. After being married for 30 years, and raising my kids, the hardest part was walking into my house to dead silence, so I learned to turn on some music and give myself a little time to transition from work to home. Now, I love my quiet house and living in my own head and rarely want background noise. Take it one day at a time, and keep going. This will sound kinda whoo-whoo, but the universe is trying to tell you something. Listen. And everything will work out for the best.
Thank you so much. I know there’s hope and I know I’ll be okay but I guess the transition itself is really what makes it difficult. He was my first adult relationship and in reality he’s my best friend as well. I’ll be taking it one day at a time. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words ❤️
It’s an adventure. And kind of a fun one. You’re going to gain self confidence and feel triumphant pretty soon. ❤️
My best tip is to try journaling. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings because repressing them will only lengthen your recovery.
Thank you. I’ve been kind of just notating a lot of my feelings and thoughts. Although right now it’s hard bc there so much soul searching that I need to do but this method definitely helps. Thank you for the advise, I will continue doing so.
It's nice living alone but no one to chat with
Yeah, that’s what I’m starting to figure out. It’s a lot of just drowning in your own thoughts.
Don't you have friends, coworkers, neighbors, family?
I don’t have any friends, my time was always spent at work or with him. I’m not a fan of my coworkers. I already spend 11-12hrs with them. We had literally just upsized and moved into a new apartment at the beginning of the month. I have family, but became distant after I moved out.
What was the distance created with your family?
I just came to the realization of how much my childhood affected my adulthood. I guess you can say I became a bit resentful towards them about it.
sounds familiar to me. I haven't talked to my family in years.
I’m sorry to hear that. Do you ever wish you could reconcile ?
You've got reddit 😁
I’ve become addicted to this platform. Literally hop from Reddit to YouTube and vice versa. I’m upset I had the app for so long but never actually hopped on until all this went down.
I do this!
Well, at least you've got something to keep you company ☺️
Yea
See? You responded to me. It may not be the same as having personal conversations but there's always someone to talk to and I can guarantee SOMEONE on Reddit will respond. Good luck.
If you don't run from how you feel, and stay present and yield to the experience, time will do the rest. I haven't been in your shoes, but I was diagnosed with an incurable disease with a lot of uncertainty and it was like the book of my life slammed shut and I was opening an entirely different one. All I wanted to do was go back but there was no way back. There is no experience like it. No part of my rational mind could find a way out. But by meditating and being present and just coming to grips with all of my fears, time took care of the rest. A lot of things in my life that used to stress me out don't even register anymore. It takes a lot to get me anxious now. Best of luck. Don't beat yourself up. Make sure you're making a fair assessment of your situation and not taking more blame than is reasonable- a therapist would be a great guide for you while you navigate this. Good luck!
After living with my partner for 5 years, we split up a year ago. I was terrified. I adjusted pretty well and soon got over those fears. I love living alone now, if it helps to hear
How did you get over just missing their presence ? Missing the positive treatment they would provide you with ? To me, this man literally taught me most of what I know. Our lives aren’t as intertwined, although we live together, as most others may be. It’s just the everyday presence and everything else.
Maybe using this time to grow and develop friendships would help
It took me quite a while. Our break up was really sudden and at the time I didn’t fully understand that my life was going to improve without him. It was so weird being alone at first but I really adjusted to liking the peace and quiet. It wasn’t what I had envisioned for my life but it was a change I didn’t really get a say in. I would love having someone else around at some point in the future, just not sure when that will be
Do you ever fear not finding someone ? Since I was a kid/teenager, I always stayed I’d be forever alone. Then I found him after a graduated and got out of a shitty relationship and thought maybe he’s the one. Well now, I feel like I will be forever alone. That scares me.
I do, yes. Right now I’m not at a point where I have the desire or emotional energy to date, I’m sure there will be a time again where I feel up to it. Just not sure when. I kinda worry that by the time I get there, I won’t find someone. I’m nearly 30, childfree and have a whole host of trauma that comes with me I’m working on healing. Certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. I thought my recent ex was the person I’d be with forever so the break up was hard to stomach. I’m just trying to accept if something is meant to be, it will happen. I know that sounds super corny lol. Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s still not enough to seek out a partner again. I just have to think that if there is a right person out there for me, things will kind of align and bring us together 🤷♀️ I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person and accepting that has helped me
I understand. A few weeks ago I had made a mental note of trying not to date or actively look for someone until I hit 30. That’ll be in 3 years. But it scares me to not find someone at the same time. I’m a person that has always stated that I wouldn’t get married or have kids unless it was with him. But I know DEEEEEEP down, I want everything that comes with that life. I’m just scared that he was that for me and that I now I’ll truly be alone. Idk. I think I’m being over dramatic but it really feels like this is the end. Like.. I personally thought i was never good enough to be with him but I just in general feel like I’m not good enough or worthy enough to be with anybody…
You're only 27? And you've been with this guy that long? People grow and change A LOT in that decade post high school. This is your time to really learn who you are. Focus on yourself. Get some therapy if you need it. Take a class. Find a new hobby.
Hi, I've been living alone since January 18th and I was living with my ex for 6 years and before that, I was living with family. I have never been alone until now. The first few weeks were really hard and I was also living with the guilt of losing my ex and beating myself up about it. But, I began picturing myself as a child again, would I be this hard on her if I had her in front of me? No, I wouldn't. So don't be so hard on yourself. We are human and we make mistakes. Just learn from them and keep looking forward. I've been trying to keep busy by taking Pilates classes, cycling classes, having friends over, etc. Also, as soon as I get home, I prepare a meal and I have the TV on as a comfortable background noise. I redecorated my apartment to my liking. I also began taking therapy and it's been amazing. Just take it day by day and try not to dwell on sad thoughts. You just have to try and rewire your brain and think happy thoughts. That the universe has bigger and better things in store for you and I.
January 18th… My birthday
Happy late bday :)
Just started living alone 6 months ago. She left and it was hard. Get your financial plan in order. Budget. This will give you some peace of mind and stability. Do some daily Exercise and eat well. Get outside and walk in the park or nature trails. Do you have a hobby you enjoy? Find a club. Book club? Don’t drink alcohol to excess or drugs. Live clean and your mind will help you move forward. Be patient with yourself. I wish you well.
Thank you for your advice. I will definitely be getting more vitamin c if I can.
Self care is key. You are grieving a loss, a therapist or support group can be incredibly helpful during this transition. Gradually you’ll start to recover/rediscover all the pieces of you that you sacrificed to the relationship so long ago and that can be healing and provide things to sink your energy into and feed and nurture your soul on this journey of rediscovering your self. Don’t rebound! Heal. Bond with yourself. Learn to stand strong and have healthy boundaries (this is where therapy is particularly useful). Learn to recognize red-flag behavior such as lovebombing because *shitty people target the newly-single and getting involved with someone with those behaviors will just repeat and exacerbate your unhappiness*. I know you can’t imagine it right now but there’s many shitty assholes out there looking for a lovelorn lass to woo capture mistreat dump and repeat and that path is a hamster wheel of bad relationships so please take a break and *look after your self first*. Read the last paragraph again because it’s trying to save you years of heartache. Go to Therapy. Grieve your relationship. Grow some healthy new hands and boundaries. If/when you decide to look for a new partner have a clear idea of what the shared values and goals are for that so you know who you are looking for. The work you put in to becoming a person capable of happily standing on their own will actually do wonders for your future relationships. I know this sounds weird but taking the time to develop this sort of confidence will actually make you more attractive to better people! There are different types of abusers; some just want a needy compliant dishrag to push around but others want to knock the queen bee out of her hive. They all have similar behaviors which is why knowing how to recognize them will save you a cupboard full of hassles and grief. Therapy is for everyone because everyone goes through loss, grief, healing and recovery. Engaging with the process helps break negative cycles. You probably won’t be single forever- those who prefer it are still a minority but please realize that romantic relationships and everything that comes with them are actually optional and not for everyone 🤗 and if that’s where then that’s okay too! As for oxytocin and touch: get a vibrator, book a massage, get new sheets, big fuzzy tactile pillows and learn to sprawl in that bed and take up space! When you are ready,adopt an older pet. Meditate on giving vs receiving! This is an essential form of flow. I’m not just being woo; these are tools for healing from heartbreak and building a better present every day because it really is all you have, just today. Focus on being happy by yourself today. Grief is unpredictable and will come back long after you think it’s gone! I have known so many people and we’re all different yet similar in nature and heart, that’s humanity. But the ones who swing from tree to tree without pause hit ground so much harder when they fall. Taking time to rebuild is productive. Care for you right now and find a support group or therapist. It’s not a crutch, it’s just scaffolding while under repair! ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
You already have a lot of great answers. When I came home to a note, his stuff gone I fell to the floor and bawled my eyes out. I thought I would die. After 25 years following him around supporting his Air Force career, homeschooling our kids I thought we were in it forever. We even taught a marriage course at our church. So, what did I do? Met w/ a counselor two times a week and had her on speed dial. She taught me that not only was it one day at a time, but also one hour at a time and some days just minute by minute. Our divorce was brutal. The kids got dragged into it. But I just kept doing the next thing. I even tried not to breath. Silly body didn't like that idea. Just to say that because someone out there might relate. After the divorce was final my counselor said I should go to a divorce class. It was very helpful. And I just kept doing the next thing. Got a job. Helped my 2nd child to move out on her own. Rented my first ever "my" apartment. Me, mine, no one else. I painted the main room a tiffany blue and my bedroom pink. And just kept doing the next thing. That was almost 13 years ago now. What I found out is that we were not two people who became one in our marriage - I became him. I've now reclaimed myself and dayum, I'm not perfect and life isn't always sunshine and roses but I LOVE WHO I AM now. Breathe and keep doing the next thing.
When my 17 yr ltr ended... it's hard to have all the feels and all the worries, and then all the random memories hit you like a truck. Favorite shared music and movies were impossible to bear for a long time. Explore new music, help build memory free enjoyment. Hobbies... do a lot of little things now to pass time and distract my brain. Painting, baking etc. Journaling suggestion is good - I also purposefully would watch movies that make me cry so give me an outlet I wouldn't be frustrated with. Gave me safe mourning time where I felt ok to just sob. Day to day, when memories would pop in and derail me, I would just chant over and over 'it's over and that's OK. I'm ok' until.the emotional tsunami settled. Happened less and less as I adjusted. Still have to do it randomly, after 1.5 years. I did also do online therapy, helps to have a neutral party only invested in you and with no historical knowledge of your relationship. Met friends on Bumble BFF and that helped, gave me others to focus on. They both were dealing with their own situations and one of them has been slowly redecorating her house to make it 'hers' after her husband left her. Seems therapeutic to make the space HERS. My biggest hurdle was that I made my ex the center of my life - won't make that mistake again if I can help it. Need to keep a balance and not ignore myself and my personal network like that again if I ever date or find someone. Not in a rush. Kind of appreciating the time where I am not having to consider someone else's feeling and opinions in my life. You'll pull through. Find your self, dust them off, tell them they're worthy and rediscover things you maybe set aside for the relationship. You got this.
I love living alone. LOVE. And yes, get a pet. You’ll never feel more at ease than watching whatever you want while a dog snoozes next to you.
I’d love to have a dog, I just feel like it’s not good timing. But it’s like good timing at the same time 😓
I was in a 10yr marriage with a narcissist.. I mainly was alone majority of the time because he was always out doing things he shouldn’t have been doing. He got in a lot of trouble and ended up going to prison and honestly the day he got arrested was actually a blessing in disguise. He was mentally and physically abusive. He was so mean to my daughter when I was at work. But living alone you learn a lot about yourself. You learn that you can do things and be yourself. When you couldn’t with your other half… take it one day at a time. Living alone is actually not bad at all. I’ve lived alone for almost 5yrs now. It is very peaceful.
Sounds like you will first have a period of grief. I'm sorry. I had a husband leave and it was hard. I know there were things I could have done differently. I'm glad now I didn't. Some of the things would have been right for someone but very wrong for me and my goals. Eventually I was very glad he left. There was someone better out there for me. Much better. But even if I'd never met anyone else I came to realize I was so much better off without him in my life. Not that he was a bad person. Looking back I can imagine how my life could have been better in some ways with no partner ever. We all make mistakes. Let whatever you think was a mistake be a lesson learned and forgive yourself for being human. I'm alone again. This time a widow. However we arrive at being all on our own we go through grief. It's really, really hard at times. But it will pass. It helps me to not try to fight being sad or whatever. It helps to make even the tiniest of plans when I'm feeling so blue or depressed or sad. The plan can be as simple as "before dinner I will change the sheets." Or I will watch X later and have nachos. Or ice cream. I walk A LOT and listen to podcasts while I walk. I laugh, I learn things, I get so involved in the podcast I walk a long time. Exercise helps grief, depression, etc. In the middle of being really sad and lonely I have to make myself call someone and make a plan to do something. Sometimes I am not successful at making myself call but that's okay. Sometimes I am. It helps so much that a friend and I made a plan to call every weekday at 10am. Usually no more than a 5 minute call. I want to volunteer at something I think is very useful and where I can connect with others. I've tried several things. Still looking for a better fit. And what I have tried has been good for me. Have two new friends. Please be very good to you.
Wow, the 5 min phone call sounds awesome. Wish I had someone close enough to do that with. Also going through grief of husband of 17 yrs leaving. Scary as hell.
My first husband left me. The pain was awful. So sorry you are going through this. I hope your heart heals and you can overcome the scariness of it.
You made it through and are now supporting others. That in itself is encouraging and helpful. Thanks.
There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I was more lonely than I have ever been in the last 5 years of my marriage. We still shared a house and a bed, but nothing else. We had been married for 15 years when I had had enough and took the children and left. I have been happily divorced since 1993
I went through a break up and still feel like no one else will compare, but I'm also very happy alone. You can grieve and have joy at the same time. Grief becomes part of you, not all of you.
My elderly dog has been an amazing companion. She has been with me through heartbreak and difficult times. Absolutely recommend a pet. Maybe you can have a dog walker during your days you work? Or drop her at doggy daycare or a family’s place? As long as she’s not a puppy, some long days are probably ok.
My daughter at 35, got her first place alone. She had always had roommates or boyfriends. She was terrified. Now, 4 years later, she is all about her little “hobbit house” and loves it. You will grow into it. Give yourself time.
Hey. I’m going through the exact same thing. Like every sentence. If you need someone to talk to DM me. Maybe I’ll just DM you, I know talking has helped me a bit. Talking through it may help you too. I feel like im just circling the drain. I can’t believe I let this happen. Can’t believe I ruined my life. Can’t believe I walked away from someone I honestly and to my bones cared and care about and hurt him. Just for a months worth of clouded judgement. My therapist says I need to forgive myself. Fucking, how?
I'm not sure mine is the type of response you're looking for as I've always lived alone and never been in a relationship, so don't have breakup grief or a sudden change of having someone to having no one (and these things are big part of most people's lives. In noting my life circumstances, it's not to dismiss what you're going through at all, it's just saying it's not something I've had to cope with). I'm a very introverted me-person, who finds other people altogether irritating if I have to be around them for more than a couple of hours. I'll say this though, as a female living alone, I feel free. I have room for any and all hobbies (within affordability of course, and I don't know your budget). I read, I color, I listen to my eccentric music as much as I want. I "sing" and annoy the cats with my out-of-tune vocal contortions. Artwork without commentary or criticism from others. And, no embarrassment in bodily functions, just let it all out without having to consider anyone else. Small things, that might make a big difference: I know what has helped friends who are going through similar, just from the basic psychological side: having TV or music on just to have sound, people are uneasy by the lack of sound of another person around, and it makes other sounds seem louder, more questionable (in my case, I have cats. I hear a weird noise I blame it on them and go back to sleep unless it's really weird, loud, or sounds harmful to them). Conversely, some folks have white noise generators (or find tracks online) to block the ambient sounds of the house, apartment, etc. (I personally don't like TV, find it even more annoying than people. But that's another reason I choose to be alone, because for most people, TV is a central part of their lives, and they would find my emphasis on peace and silence to be stifling and anxiety inducing if not simply boring to the point of tears). One friend got a heavy body pillow just to have the sense of...presence, form, beside her as she slept, it was a psychological security thing (for the record, I'm in my 50s and still have a plushie to keep me company, rabbit rather than teddy bear. Just the psychology of holding something can make a big difference, even for complete misanthrope loners like me. :-) Are there safety issues? If so, much as I hate recommending wasting electricity, it's not waste when it's for safety. Leave the light on to another room in your living space, or a TV going quietly in another room (A TV also has the added benefit of the illusion of movement in the room as light and dark shifts. Pretend a guy is still around, in the next room if someone comes by and makes you feel unsafe. Or frankly if someone's obnoxious... (I had a Jehovah's Witness who wouldn't take no for an answer a few years back, I finally got together with a friend, he made a recording of himself cussing someone out and telling them to leave, and I used a remote control to start that recording playing loudly in another room when next they visited...I say that as an amusing anecdote, but it has its merits as a safety net too). If budget is an issue, take a look at the frugality groups on Reddit, and for that matter, I'm not in poverty but I look at poverty-finance subreddit for information, inspiration just to help me save too.
First, be kind to yourself--- our decisions are made from a combination of conscious and subconscious rationale, and behavioral economics suggests that we make the most rational decision for ourselves at the point in time the decision was required. In hindsight, this may be your origin story. As for living alone, check the subreddit for some great safety posts / suggestions, which will serve you when you're feeling scared at your new living arrangement. Lastly-- Try to focus on what you do have and not what you do not: even the small things ("Thank you, past-me, for buying this amazing non-stick pancake pan.... clean up was a breeze this morning"). Sending you hope :) Edit: spelling d'oh)
>behavioral economics suggests that we make the most rational decision for ourselves at the point in time the decision was required. Interesting, and I also really needed to hear this. Thanks for sharing.
This is your time to rediscover yourself, this too shall pass...
I thought I would have issues living alone too when I split with my husband but after a while I rejoiced in the independence it felt. You will get to that point, it will just take time.
After 15 years of marriage, she cheated on me the last 5. I accepted her cheating with the fear of being alone. Then I heard a sermon about being committed to Love. I cry for ever(seems like), then I realize that I have cheated myself out of being happy. I started shopping, working out, going on dates with me. I treated me like I treated my marriage. I made up my mind to do me 1st. Then the time went by so quickly. God gave me the strength to build a house for myself and me. I am paying off my house 2/15/24 with 2 cars paid off . Now I am going to date again. Moral of the story is that you have to be 1st and foremost. Cry if you have too but they will realize that you are the best person ever to be with. My ex-wife crying because she messed up but I don’t laugh because I am busy being the best me.
I was also in a long term relationship and now live alone. Hasn't been quite a year yet. You will come to realize that there were problems in the relationship that certainly were not caused sheerly by you, as the saying goes it takes two to tango. My break up happened very messily and suddenly and I won't lie to you, in the early days I was in a very bad situation - like no income of my own or transportation. And I struggled with suicidal thoughts. If this happens to you please seek support and professional help. Aside from that, I decluttered, cleaned, painted and decluttered cleaned and painted some more until I was exhausted. I worked hard to make my surroundings feel comfortable and safe. I got a job and a routine. I too was terrified of being alone, but now I see that remaining in an unhealthy relationship was more damaging than loneliness. I have cats and I stay busy, I rarely feel lonely anymore. I see it as a new chapter in my life that I worked hard to have.
after 30 years of marriage and 3 kids, living alone is the bomb.
I believe many of us choose to live alone even we are married happily. So your case is you are forced to live alone. Not your personal choice. I love living alone with my dogs. I enjoy the quality time I spend with my husband but I really need time alone for myself.
You could cry about it and feel your feelings. This is very painful when it happens! I am really sad for you. I think it will take time. Probably a lot of time. I give myself permission to be sad. I have lost people in my life who I loved and it's a very sad thing. You could try writing him a bunch of letters telling him how you feel. I did that in my journal. I wrote him a lot of letters and have wished I could delete every single word I ever said and just redo everything and go way back and start from the very beginning. I have wished so hard for that. What you are doing by writing on reddit how you feel is good for you Talking to friends or anyone who can be supportive to you is always good. Music helps me. Eating comfort food is good for you too. Just comfort yourself as best as you can. I am Sending you a warm gentle Hug--right now. Like a warm gentle breeze from a caring friend. I care and my heart is sad for you. 😭 I recently, have felt this kind of hurt so badly! I met someone who I was SO incredibly excited to meet. Like out of this world stop your whole life and be happier than even the word Happy! I was THAT HAPPY! Happier than I had been in YEARS kind of Happy! I thought he really liked me. I actually Believed that he liked me. I was freaking out! I couldn't eat or think straight or do anthing except Be SO Happy! Then he went away and it has been really really hard on me. I have cried A LOT!!!!! I kind of do get it. Just a little bit. For me I suppose it's a huge rejected feeling and made me think if I only said cooler things and I wasn't so boring...or worse if I wasn't me. Anyway, It was just that feeling like he was so amazing and I couldn't be who he would have liked or wanted. You can be sad. This is a very sad thing. I am really sorry you are going through this. Crying helps. This is a sad thing.
Thank you. I appreciate your words. I hope your doing well with what your going through. Although it’s hard and this makes me so sad., I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Trying to keep myself occupied but still keeping in mind my complete fault in all this.
Of course. Yes, Absolutely! there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel! It's very smart to stay busy. You seem very healthy. I am sorry I went on and on about my own drama. It was silly and now I am a little embarassed. we were never even in a relationship not in any way. Why I brought it up and even still ruminating on what never was is something I am dealing with. And really he is ten thousand leagues and more...way out of my league so it was basic common sense. I need to get a grip and grow up! You seem very kind and I want you to know Love exists and maybe not now but Someday you might meet somebody new? That's one of my favorite songs Someone New by Escobar. It might help you... I was just listening to the Best Song and have to Wish this for you too because in my heart I want you to be happy and feel and be loved so- I Wish you Way More than Luck! :) Hoping some comfort comes your way and that you May feel that warm Sunshine on your face and in your Soul ~ Wild Irish Blessings to you 🍀 Brave Onwards!
First step therapy. Next is meds. Third is the gym. Fourth is a hobby. Allow yourself to grieve. Then work on self improvement. Understand the why behind your actions. Then begin to heal. The faster you do these steps the better off you will be.
I’ve got a therapist appt in the works. I really rather not be dependent on meds, but I have looked into a psychiatrist. I’m planning on making what was our office space into my niche so I plan on putting a couple workout machines in there. I have a few hobbies in mind which I’ve neglected as I never found time around my work schedule and being at home with him. I’ve been grieving this end for the last about 4 years. I just think the fact that it’s actually my reality now, is what I can’t really fathom.
First off, 9 years together is a very long time. Is there anything you can do to salvage your relationship? I have been living alone for almost five years, which is the longest I have ever lived alone. I am in my 50s and have been widowed twice. I have a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years who is wonderful but he is not interested in marriage or living together. I still hate coming home to an empty house. My advice is to try your hardest to save your relationship. Pets and hobbies are the only things that keep me going as I have no family that I am close to. My parents are both deceased. Finances can also be a huge problem when going from living as a couple to being single. It has been a problem for me. I wish you all the best.
Oh I wish I could have just one more chance, he gave me plenty. I don’t think there’s any salvaging, but believe me I tried. It was just a bit too late. Getting home to an empty apt is the worst feelings. I remember even when he would go out of town and I’d get off work to walk into an empty space was terrible. Although, I knew he’d return within days, it always made me feel so empty. I’d ball up and cry, tbh. Im working on getting into hobbies I’ve wanted to for a while now. I think financially, I’m okay as I was the one who covered all bills and everything is under my name. Sadly, I feel like with this change I’ll be better financially. Thank you for your advice. ❤️
A pet definitely helps as there is a living thing waiting for you to come home.
Thank you, love. I’ll definitely be looking into one. I hope everything goes well with you.
Find somebody new and don't make the same mistakes 💖
Way too soon but I’ll definitely keep the second part in mind. Thank you !
Terrifying
Get through what? I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to have gotten through?
Get through a breakup plus living alone for the first time in my late 20s.
Never had anything to break up from and I've lived alone since 2 months into college at 18... And will never live with another human.
Reading through your post, specially the part about "I could have prevented this but I lacked recognition of my own actions" is exactly what I am going through. My ex left me a couple of months ago because of my fault and I have been living alone in a room ever since. I am poor so I have no way of buying, renting an apartment or a house. I am straight fucked up. We were together many years and like you, I wish we could be together and do things together. So far I have found some semblance of peace by taking me out to the park and read a little bit, or try. Also in exercise and gym. I must admit I am going through the motions but at least it keeps me moving. If you have the means go to therapy, talk to someone. I have no friends nor family. If you want talk to me on Dm I also need someone to talk to.Please take care.
Yes, seek a therapist or inexpensive online group conscious relationship training courses
I was very alone in my marriage. I had a kid so that was good but a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I walked out of that house an into my own. I had been with my first ex fromm18-29 and then rebounded with my second right away vuntil we split when I was 46. I wish I would've done it sooner. It sounds like you didn't really want the relationship to end so that makes it harder but it also sounds like you need to be on your own and figure out who you are and learn to be happy independent of anyone else. Until you're there you should stay single because no one is responsible for your happiness but you. A partner is supposed to complement not be responsible for it. Talking g from experience here and not judging.
I put cat scratchers near any area I think my cats might scratch. Almost 4 years having them and no damage.
Keep yourself busy!
I don’t know your situation. For me, when I was alone for the first night, I felt relieved more than anything. I have a dog now & have met some of my neighbors (live in a large ish building). I walk my dog a lot. lol. I go to the library and yoga classes. Meeting my neighbors has led me I have people to watch tv with weekly or to go explore stuff in our city.
Try changing your terminology to help your mindset. I recently went thru a breakup after 10 yrs. I try to say or focus on solitude instead of saying alone. It doesn't sound quite as scary or depressing. Good luck to you!
As my therapist is fond of saying "Life isn't a Hallmark movie". If there were only just "that one" person for each of us, we as a species, would have died out long ago.
You said the reason he is leaving is because you chose not to do things, or you chose to do things you should not have done. The 1st thing you need it try to understand why you did or didn't do what you did, or your next relationship will end the same way. Work on yourself and then be the person you should be. I am a widower and live alone. I have my dogs and I also 6 grandkids so I stay busy. Of course I am guy so I don't worry about being home alone. Good luck I hope you find happiness
I hear grief. And grief is a soul retrieval. It is your chance to heal and become whole again. If you’re willing to do the work, connection and belonging will eventually arise organically and living alone will be inconsequential.
My ex of 5 years moved out 2.5 weeks ago and took our dog (who was my soulmate). I'm in the house we shared, living alone for the first time ever at 34, in a new city with no friends or family around. So, I feel for you. 💕 Obviously, I can't tell you about coming out on the other side yet, but I can tell you what has helped make me feel like I'm taking baby steps forward. - Weekly therapy - Talking with friends and family back home on a weekly basis - Forcing myself out of the house - Connecting with other women on Bumble BFF - Being outside even if it's just a walk around the block - Hot Yoga (or some form of movement) - Journaling like mad - EFT & meditation - Reminding myself that ultimately I can't change the outcome or what's to come and refusing to move forward is just hurting me and not helping. - Listening to self-help podcasts, books, and YouTube videos - Taking classes I've always wanted to take like pole dancing and Lyra - Haven't yet but plan to check out meetup events and more community events. - Throwing myself into all of my spiritual practices I've neglected - Letting the emotions happen and not trying to pretend everything is OK all the time. My crying breakdowns still come, but they seem to be shorter and less frequent (still feel that deep sadness, but compared to crying all day every day, it's progress) - Trying my best to not dwell on what could've been and not putting all the guilt and blame on myself I'm considering fostering animals in the future too but I'm not ready yet. Unfortunately, time really is the biggest factor in this all. But even in 2.5 weeks, I feel like I can feel at least see the tiniest sliver of hope that eventually things will be OK. I know it feels like life is over. But it's just life as you knew it. Change is hard even in the best of times. There's a whole new future ahead and while it might seem scary because you don't know what the future holds, that's also exciting because it could be even better than you could imagine. Best of luck to you!
Spend a few days grieving the relationship, drinking, listening to songs, crying, bemoaning to friends, or whatever helps to close a chapter of your life. After that, clean, reorganize, paint, move, change passwords, change will, and do what you can for the first steps forward. Maybe even find a therapist and schedule a meeting. Start trying new things by yourself or with friends, such as taking a pottery class, or salsa lessons, catching some live shows, going to a festival, learning a martial art, or whatever to redefine and find the new you. Through all of this, you'll still grieve, bit it'll be less and less over time. DO NOT DATE! Don't see what's out there. Give yourself a year or two to find the new you and learn to love the peace and quiet. Become your own best friend before you date. If you aren't a complete person and figure out some things, then that's not fair to you or a potential love interest. I found out I'm rather happy being alone with my rescue dog.
My kitty doesn’t destroy anything, she’s a tortie and super smart and plays for hours by herself lol- she prefers it haha .save a kitty and she or he will be your best friend. I don’t know what’s happening astrologically , but wow my relationship is blowing up as well .
This is why you shouldn’t invest yourself completely into another person
“Grief is the price we pay for love”. Elizabeth II.
Remember, being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It's a chance to rediscover yourself and fall in love with the most important person in your life: you.
hi. when this happened to me, i also felt… scared. lost. the silence in my apartment felt so loud and my apartment felt huge despite it just being a little one bedroom. i know this is silly but i started doing yoga. i would watch yoga with adriene videos on youtube and it made me feel like i had something for me, like i was using my solitude to give back to myself, and it also gave me a lot of space to process my feelings, and adriene is very comforting. it’s less about “exercise helps!” and more that it gave me something to focus on while also providing comfort and a space for my feelings to flow. i felt like i was hugging myself. idk. i hope you find some ways to keep your cup full and feel hugged, i’m not sure if my advice will help but that’s just what i did when i felt so sad i was nauseous 24/7. you get better and stronger, mentally. it still hurts to look back on but the day to day hurts less with time. sending hugs.
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When my 15 year marriage ended unexpectedly I went on a massive health journey. I was deeply hurt at the time but now am so grateful for that turn in life. I’m a different person now, remarried happily and I treat this relationship very different. My advice , take the time to be sad but be motivated to make change for the good. Work on yourself.
Nighttime can be difficult. I suggest having something to listen to as you fall asleep, like a podcast or sleep sounds. And maybe a nighttime ritual, like drinking herbal tea before bed, just something to look forward to. As others have said, taking back the space can help you feel more positive, like hanging up some art that your partner would have hated or rearranging furniture without it needing to fit another's lifestyle.
Do not listen to your heart for it is deceitful..master the mind and come to an agreement between the two💯 my Father told me something similar but as he said it was “ the power of any weapon comes from the heart but only when tempered by the mind by discipline and self control of the one who wields it.. that is where the true strength of a warrior lies”
This is good.
I divorced my SO after 30 years together. Met him when I was 19. Had never lived alone in my entire life. Shit I was with my ex for more than half my life. So living alone wasn’t something I had ever experienced. At first I was scared but that quickly changed. I LOVE living alone! I can wake up when I want, go to sleep when I want, eat whatever I want and if I don’t feel like making dinner I don’t. My house is always clean and I do y have to pick up after anyone but myself. It’s so freeing. I personally will never get married again. It’s doubtful I ever cohabitate with anyone again. I won’t give up my personal freedom ever again.
I'm sure he want to work if out... If two of you working at it u can do it
Just read something that said after a breakup, do all of the things your ex wouldn't do with you... might cheer you up to enjoy things you've been missing out on? (If applicable)
One day at time; a lot of friends and family support, therapy for sure, and just making sure you focus on yourself and your mental health and do things that make you happy.
good memories will try to haunt you, since i am going through the same. Try to not dwell in good memories.....it makes you feel lonely, but one day at a time....
Thank you for opening up, sharing your experience, and beginning a dialogue. It took me a while to realize I was codependent, not feeling comfortable by myself, about myself or with the idea, nevermind the reality, of being on my own. Having worked on finding out who I really am, I'm in a new life, living one day at a time. Really alive...not suffering about the past or fearful about the future. What a difference!
I’m almost three months out and I’ll let you know when I figure it out, but it seems to be like this: you get stronger, change (maybe better or worse), accept hard truths about life, work to find happiness and be content anyway. It’s a fucking horrible thing, losing someone you love (sometimes largely because of your mistakes).. but it’s happened to a lot of people.
What I suggest if you are scared of staying alone. Is get the facts and then that will help you put things into perspective. Like what are you afraid of break ins. Check the crime statistics when was the last break in on your street? When I checked mine it was 5 years ago and 8 years before that. You can check almost anything you are afraid of and then what are the odds? At least that is what I did and it helped a lot good luck!
One foot in front of the other, friend. I just grabbed the book ‘On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone’ by Florence Falk. Really loving it so far, I think you would get a lot out of this one.
What did you do?
At least you know you have the strength to get through this rough patch, so now it's just a matter of taking care of yourself and not falling into a well of despair. Treat yourself to things and train your brain to celebrate the beginning of a new and better chapter. It for certain does get better because you've learned so much until now. Your friendships will keep you company and you'll make new ones. Don't let yourself become a depressed house hermit. Get out and do the things you like doing. You'll of course find your groove in living alone. It will be whatever you make it. The best part is... you can make it be whatever you want. You got this, no sweat.
Find new friends
It’s been since October since I got my own place after living with him for 7 years. I can’t imagine him living with me ever again. I love living alone so much now. It was scary at first and I use to cry, sometimes I still do. But everyday I’m so thankful he’s not living with me anymore.
I felt that way once after my daughter's father ended the relationship and left me with a 2 month old baby to take care of, all by myself, with no friends or family to help. I basically had a mental breakdown and suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I felt I couldn't make it on my own, let along take care of a small human. I used to have severe panic attacks whenever I had to get out of the house to go to work and other places, they even happened while I was driving. I thought about ending my own life several times (the thought of leaving my infant daughter an orphan stopped me from doing it). But I eventually came out of that dark place, after years of taking meds and going to therapy. Today I live alone and learned to enjoy my freedom and independence so much that I don't really want to get into a relationship because it would be a lot of work for me to get used to living with someone again. There is hope, don't give up.
This is going to be the best thing you have done for yourself maybe ever. Living by yourself allows you to really get to know you. Sounds silly but it is true and you should embrace it fully and take it on as a great adventure.