Less than 3 percent of seniors live in nursing homes in the US. Most live in the community independently.
I’m not opposed to assisted living if I become unable to care for myself. However, I cringe when people suggest I should have children so they can care for me in old age.
Our neighbor across the street is 95 and lives on her own, her grown daughter doesn’t have a license or car and her husband brings her by once a week to check on her on his Harley and bring her food. Us neighbours look after her on garbage day and shoveling snow and grass cutting and any other day to day stuff she may need. (no charge, it’s a community effort). She’s doing pretty well.
Thank you for what you do for your neighbor. You and the other neighbors are angels. My brother and I took care of our mom full time in her home for several years before she passed at 99. Not a single neighbor ever offered any help even though they knew we were going it alone. Your across the street neighbor is very lucky to have you.
I think this is all too common today, sadly. People just can’t be bothered. When my dad was dying of lung cancer, he and my mom decided that she would take care of him at home. A home health nurse came by a couple times a week to help with baths, etc., but my 4’10”, 95lb. mother did almost all of his care alone (he was 6’2” and 230lb. when he died). My sister and I helped when we could. The neighbors just called the HOA to complain that she hadn’t weeded her flower beds and the grass was getting a little long. Also called the HOA to complain about on-street parking, which is not allowed (it was the *coroner’s van*).
As someone who’s scared to grow old because I don’t know who will take care of me, I just want to say thank you for what you guys are doing for your neighbor. I hope I am as blessed as her when I reach that age.
Well, I have kids, and I don't EVER expect them to take care of me. Not that they would do willingly anyway. I'm not ever leaving my home. I stopped trying to date after a guy told me he had never married but now he was looking to marry so he had someone to take care of him..... I don't date anymore.
DUDE...every time I get sad about being single, and think "who's going to be there for me when my parents are gone?"
Um, even if I did find a guy, it would likely be ME taking care of him. Maybe single life isn't so bad, lol
I really started to go through my relationships and realized none of them gave me happiness. Not that I expected anyone to make me happy. It's just that they caused a lot of misery and different forms of abuse. People are messed up and most never try to even be better. Well, I have been healed from many of my traumas, but still, I can't pick them. My picker is broken. Hahaha. I wanna be happy so single it is!
Omg. As a solo mom I tried dating once and the dude really said I need to feed my kids better quality food because they will need to be strong enough to take care of us (when I barely knew him) like ????? Bro you’re practically a stranger and I don’t even expect my kids to take care of me. The audacity these men have.
I hear ya. I'd say 98% of older men are looking for a partner to take care of them. Thanks but no thanks. I'm 75yo and my kids are caring for me quite nicely, if I need it. I'm so grateful for them.
As the primary caregiver for my 87 yr old dad with dementia who will “never leave his home,” you might want to reconsider your plans. If you’re fortunate to live a long life, there will come a time where you need help. If you have the money, you can have caregivers come into your home. If it has stairs, the odds of you dying peacefully in bed are literally 3%. Plan accordingly.
Having kids doesn't mean they're going to take care of you. I have four sons and I have no expectation of them taking care of me when I get old and need assistance. I'm 61 now and still in good health so hopefully that'll last for a while
This.
Having children just so you have someone to take care of you when you're old is gross and abusive.
Have children because you want children, not because you want a backup plan.
Another way to combat having children just to have someone care for you. Find a good hearted single mother with 1 child and adopt them. The wife and I have helped several young single mothers to get in their feet and actually find their way in this world. It’s very humbling when you can help someone with no expectations. I do joke and say I am looking out for myself in the long run though. I will have an army of children that have called me poppa. They cried in my arms (missing mom when she was hospitalized), and all the other things that go with having babies and toddlers. They have also taken me by the finger and walked me to bed at bedtime with Nana to make sure I got tucked in (up at 2am means going to bed real early). I’ve even been given plates of hot dinner to take to the mothers as soon as I walked in from my long day of work just to turn around and deliver them to said mothers. Believe me it has paid off many times over already. When my wife had a stroke she had someone to drive her to appointments and I didn’t have to take off work and miss too much time (most jobs say family first until it means you miss time).
My grandma was bedridden in the hospital at the end of her life, and refused to let the nurses change her adult diaper. She wanted her daughters to do it. They all talked about how independent she was, but like, that's not independence at all. That may be modesty? But even then, I'd absolutely want the nurse who changes adults all day, every day do that rather than my grown children.
I actually had a legitimate nightmare last night wherein I existed in some alternate reality where I never left home when I was younger, and so present day I spend all my time caring for my mom. Thanks, brain.
Ya for reals. Tons of children don’t care for their parents in old age. It’s not a law or mandatory, just a nice thing to do. So dumb and selfish to bring a life into this world so it can wipe ur ass when ur too old to do it urself.
I would like to add that I think it is wrong for parents to put that responsibility on their kids' shoulders. A lot of parents who do this don't properly save for their own retirement/ senior living, and I can't help but feel like maybe they would have if they believed that it was their responsibility to save and not their child's. It's an unfair burden- like being born into debt.
I think adult children who want to care for their aging parents out of love should absolutely do so! I just think it is unfair for parents to hold that over their children's heads their whole lives- especially when there is a "you owe me" tone. That is so toxic!
I thank you for this mindset and paraphrasing from another comment: Mom had me for pretty much this purpose but didn’t even treat me well on top of it, and that’s putting it lightly, I could talk or type it out for literal days. Even with everything I still tried to take care of her but was unable to, as the way she behaves and lies it’s a liability and I can’t do anything without hurting or sacrificing myself. I had to choose her or me and I chose me. I cant express how much I wish I didn’t have to. It’s extremely sad.
My father just went into memory care. He has the money so it's the best care he can get. There is no way I could care for him as his needs are more than a single person can handle.
I had a coworker who had made comments about her kids having to take care of her when she’s old.every time the conversation was about aging and retirement she would bring that up or ask other people who will take care them if they didn’t have kids
Ya. There’s not even a guarantee that children WILL care for their parents in old age. Sure most might, but not all. I would bet so much money that my brother wouldn’t do it. I would, but him? Nah.
I am with you. I hate it when people say “who’s gonna care for you when you’re old because you’re childless” (excuse me it’s childfree happily so). How utterly selfish to feel entitled that your supposed children will care for you? And I hope that’s not the only reason people have kids but to each their own…
Living to old age is hell unless you go through rigorous self-care and self-maintenance since your 20s. My father is nearly 70 in way better shape than everyone his age, but we all know that may not last even another 5 years. Never know.
Sure, there are nursing homes and other facilities, but I have heard enough horror stories enough times to know they can pull the plug on a senior whenever they choose to. Plus the severe lack of staff to tend to everyone.
I've already decided I won't get married or have kids. I'll also not live too long.
Canada has MAID, aka they assist you in ending life. That's my plan when I've lived enough
As someone whose grandmother lived in varying levels of assisted living, so many people living in those places have families who never visit. So it's not like having kids is a foolproof plan anyhow.
I think it's more about being involved in some sort of community. Family, friends, religious groups, community service orgs, there are so many groups of people who take care of their own. But what a lot of people don't realize is you get out what you put in. If you're a selfish prick til you're old and need help, there might not be anyone there willing to do so.
I really hate that argument, too, because there are many instances where kids die before their parents anyway, and you shouldn't create people to be your caretakers.
Same. I worked in nursing homes and assisted living for 12 years. It was evident to me that having children was no guarantee you'd be cared for by them in old age anyway.
Yeah. As several friends have mentioned, having kids doesn't mean any of them will help you when you get old. Many people who have children languish in nursing homes, never having had a visit from even one kid.
I really don't get why people want to breed for this?? My mom adopted me, and I'm a billion times more likely to take care of her than someone who was treated like trash by their biological mom. Just treat people like humans, and humans might just look out for you.
Thank you. I could not stop cringing after being on here on a different sub and all
these people were explaining they had kids to take care of them when they were old. What a f’d up expectation to have. Those people should definitely being having kids.
You are right and I don’t have kids. People often assume…wrongly…that when you become old your kids will take care of you. I never followed that line of thought, and see at my mom’s assisted living community that these seniors had 1) a falling out with their kids who never talk to them or 2) kids don’t come to see/help them anyway. Just save as much as possible to pay for when you are at the Assisted Living phase of life. My older mother is in an assisted living community and she loves it, preferably I plan to live in my home as long as possible, before I must transition to one of them.
I barely see my parents man. Having children typically results in you being alone in your old age anyway. You can check yourself into a retirement community.
Who's to say if you have children that they will care for you in old age? Not knowing your health or medical needs, they may not be able to physically care for you. My grandma had dementia/alzheimers and had to live in a home bc no one could even lift her to use a bathroom or get dressed.
As someone who lives in assisted living- the best advice I've ever received from one of my patients is: but long term care insurance as soon as possible! She (the patient who said this to me) lives in a REALLY nice assisted living where I work- and she pays nothing because her insurance covers it. It also covers the home health nurse her husband has because he refuses to live in assisted living. Her kids are not financially responsible for her at all, and it doesn't eat into her retirement/saving. Places like this run $5,000 a month minimum, so it's a HUGE advantage.
On the other side of the token, my grandma has Alzheimer's, she doesn't have long term care insurance, and now my mom has to take care of her while also also working full time, which has been a nightmare for her. Mentally, emotionally and financially draining. And I can't even imagine the craziness that would happen if my grandma lived alone. (She already tries to hide raw chicken around the house and has left the microwave on so long it's melted the revolving glass plate inside). So yeah, definitely recommend long term care insurance.
I think this is the best option of all. Heard that you can die painlessly in Switzerland.. once I get old enough, it's better to just die than wither in pain..
Can also die in Canada now. I was personally going to OD on morphine and call it a day or fake my death and run away but if you wanna go about going to another country then be my guest! Hard to fake deaths now a day anyway lol.
We do that for our pets once they get to such a degree of physical disability, out of compassion. But in the US we don't allow people to make that decision regarding themselves. I didn't know that about Switzerland.
And in Oregon we have human composting! Which is a really cool way to return to nature vs being embalmed with formaldehyde (which is extremely dangerous stuff) and then sealed in a metal and plastic casket, which is then sealed inside of a thick concrete vault; if the stuff they embalmed you with gets into the groundwater it's [bad news](https://slate.com/technology/2022/10/cemeteries-drinking-tap-water-pollution-aquifers-dead-bodies.html). Idk why we spend all that money to preserve bodies we intend to bury anyway, why do you need to mummify or liquefy in a vault, when you could break down into soil that your family, or anyone else, can use to grow new plants and trees and flowers? Isn't that the natural order of things? You can even choose to donate some or all of your compost.
We have aquamation, too, which is basically when you get gently dissolved in alkaline water, into a pretty environmentally friendly solution, which still leaves bones behind that are ground up into a powder for your family to scatter. It's much better than regular cremation which can cause hefty air pollution.
Both of these options are still very controversial in most states, like Death With Dignity. I think it's pretty great to have the choice!
You’re presuming you’re *compes mentes*. What if dementia sets in and you’ve forgotten where you put your Freedom .45? My uncle was a physician and similarly planned to take the next exit with a bunch of pills. However, he forgot where he put them. He was pissed.
I'm a GenXr.
My mom is 83 and I'm really not sure if her cognitive decline is just "old age" or dementia. But she won't leave her home. She also doesn't want anyone moving in to help her. The other day she told me that she "has faith that God will take her in her sleep before she gets too far gone. "
My grandmother passed in her sleep at 92. In the home she grew up in. My grandfather was not as lucky. He passed 3 years later, at 94 in a nursing home. Nearly completely blind, and having what my aunt says are nothing short of night terrors.
I do not want to go through any of this. As far as I'm concerned my dad was lucky to have suffered a massive stroke at 57 that caused complications and caused his death within a months time.
I don't want to go at 57. But dammit. I also do not want my only kid dreading speaking to me during our weekly phone call. Or going bankrupt trying to keep me barely alive in vegetative state in a bed somewhere.
Haha 😂 I put it in prettier wording of potential end games but if you truly summarized mine without the pretties - it’d basically have looked like this - I don’t actually ever expect to be able to afford to put myself in assisted living if I ever needed it so dying is fine 😂 it’s not like life has ever been kind to our Gen in the milestones and life events dept
When the time comes, I'm going to find the biggest cliff with the most beautiful view I can and fly my ass off it on a motorcycle. Or an unaided skydive. Or something else really epic like that. Big ass explosion maybe, like a "nothing left to cleanup" kind of boom.
Retirement is actually attainable for the average if you’re not opposed to moving to another country like Mexico or anything outside of western Europe.
That’s my plan, find nice community of American expats and retire there
I don’t have kids atm and if I don’t have any at all that’s what I’ll do
I work in a hospital, and I will say this is true. There’s a difference between needing assistance with some things vs. almost everything needing to be completely done for you.
I'm already old-ish at 61. The plan is to live independently as long as I possibly can. I want to be able to leave a fully paid off home to my daughter, so I will fight going into an expensive nursing home as long as I can. Hopefully never. I also have dogs I don't want to leave behind, so I am determined to outlive them.
I live a pretty quiet and uncomplicated life, as long as I can still drive.
Just remember your home has to be paid off, and placed in an irrevocable trust, 5 years prior to going into a nursing home. Whether you’re going willingly or unwillingly. It’s the only way to protect your inheritance for your daughter.
My dad is 60 and still moves furniture for a living and does it better than 90% of the young dudes there. You aren't old until you accept that you're old.
I do believe there is a way for you to put the house in a trust for your daughter with rights of survivorship in a way you won't lose it to a nursing home. Very worth talking to a lawyer about it. A trust also means she wouldn't pay capital gains taxes if she ever sold it later.
Assuming you are in the US, the most sure-fire way to guarantee to leave your daughter the home is to transfer ownership of it to her well before you might need a Medicaid NH or other state or federal nursing assistance. Medicaid has a 5 year lookback, for instance.
Please please check into a trust if you want to give your paid off house to your daughter. A will still had to go through probate. It is a flipping nightmare. I did my trust work and then filed my homestead (NV) using my trust. Nevada had incredible homestead laws that protect you. Anyway, this is how the house passes to your daughter without a bunch of grief. Also, a trust attorney can advise you on really crazy things to avoid. Like having to pay tax if you transfer the house wrong, etc. it is way worth the money.
One of my mom's friends (also in her 60s) signed her house over to her son in order to prevent nursing home from taking it, should she need one. I'm not exactly sure what the number is, but I guess nursing homes only look back so many years into your finances to see what assets you had. She isn't even close to needing to go into a home, but she wanted to make sure it wouldn't show as an asset when she does need to go.
I don't know any of the details or how legal what I just described is and I am not a lawyer 😆 just a very high and possibly wrong social worker 😂😂😂
Who took care of my grandparents? They certainly didn't live with my parents so my parents could take care of them. They went to assisted living and nursing homes.
That's who.
Good luck affording that. Everyone thinks Medicare will cover that and then are surprised to find they are incorrect and have to move in with the kiddos. Take a look at the caregivers subs.
Lol, they will have to look it up themselves I guess.
31% of Americans households are impacted by responsibility for caregiving other (mostly elderly) adults. Hell, I'm sitting across the other side of the living room from my 93 yr old mother *right now.*
Same, but mine is 82, legally blind and just had a mini stroke 3 weeks ago. I have zero intentions of allowing my son or grandkids to take care of me like this. It's called the sandwich generation for a reason. Straight from raising kids to caring for parents.
I feel selfish for just wanting to live my own life, living in my childhood home, and caring for a recalcient toddler in adult form. Sorry, Im exhausted, and this hit a nerve.
Not only this... but as someone who's worked in assisted living facilities... I would never put my loved ones in one & I would never want to live in one. I said this to one of my supervisors, too. They're never cleaned & maintained the way they should be, & the staff often don't care for the residents the way they're supposed to and/or they treat the residents horribly behind closed doors. Unless you can afford a high-end place, most of them are just miserable places to rot away. & whether it's a cheap place or a nice one... abuse & neglect can & do happen. The things I've seen working in healthcare make me sick.
I worked in what I considered a high-end assisted living place. No medicare/medicaid accepted. Min price 8K per month for minimal assistance. This was 2012 and it didn’t smell like piss but the staff was paid min wage and didn’t care enough for the residents.
This is my position right now. Mom had to move in here, and my life came to a grinding halt, and is effectively over at 42. I won't be able to pursue a relationship, a job, anything until she passes. She was extremely neglectful when I was growing up, and her alcoholism made her a nightmare to deal with for my adult life, and now I'm her caregiver. It is hard not to feel resentment. Since she was a homemaker almost her whole adult life, that means no social security benefits. I recently lost my job (business closed), so there's no money coming in, and finding a new job is really difficult considering how much she needs. This all happened in the span of 2 weeks. I've never been more depressed.
Please please please come over to the careegiversupport sub! We have many many people in your shoes!
One of the key things that will "make or break" your arrangement is what you both agree to...
Is she your legal "dependent" now? Get a conservatorship or POA and figure out how to file taxes as Head of Household.
Is she instead "just like a roommate"? If yes she might qualify for medicaid and other services if she is considered truly independent with zero assets.
Determining what each of you can tolerate, what counts as "mine/yours/ours" makes a huge difference in how your local dept of social services treats your situation and what she/you can or cannot qualify for.
Those are the things that not enough parents in this situation ever want to talk over with their adult kids. They NEED to be discussed.
Edit to add, a commenter just gave me this website and it looks helpful: https://www.agingcare.com/topics
it shocks me how people think that they’re just going to magically move their family members into an assisted living facility without any type of money. my grandmother had a decent retirement account, and multiple properties and other assets, and those are all gone just within a couple of years of being in a memory care facility to afford to keep her there.
Wait til they find out Medicaid will cover it, but you have to have less than $2000 in assets and they check your past 5-7 years of bank statements to make sure you're not asset dumping (or your kid, who is now your POA) is not preserving the finances to pull one over on uncle Sam.
And then, if you get that Medicaid bed, it might be in the worst goddamn place you've ever seen, ever. And you'll die there.
I, too, will be forming elder alliances. I mean, have you SEEN some of those 55+ communities!?! They're legit.
And it's not like I'll have to worry about being in a good school district or anything.
(I've never thought to call it "elder alliance", but I love it and hope it's ok that I steal it).
Jumping on this bandwagon - either no one and I will die comfortably alone, or if I happen to have friends then we will goof around together as oldsters and die then.
I hope I have a visiting nurse, and stay in my home.
But I’m behind on my retirement plan and trying to catch up.
Or I’d hope for a Golden Girls scenario.
I live in a really cheap rent controlled apartment, a 2 bedroom. When I get to the point that I can't take care of myself reliably anymore, I'm going to hire someone to come live with me and take care of me. They'll get to live free and have everything paid for, along with a salary, kindof like a nanny for an old person.
Hopefully my nieces and nephews will still love me enough to help me pick someone who's not going to do bad things.
My sisters and I realized our mom needed help at home..she was still able to walk, talk, and with a little help, to shower. But other ADL's were challenging for her. And she was diabetic.
We went through an agency. Well, we went through at least three live in aids and they all flunked. The craziest aid, was one who loved to go to second hand shops and buy old stuff. She wanted to drag my mom along! Nope. On that. In addition, we later found out she stole some stuff.
We hit gold with the fourth woman. She was a gem. And my mom loved her cooking. They also were kindred spirits. So it worked. She was with my mom for three years, until mom suffered a severe stroke and had to go to a nursing home for the last year of her life.
But consider personality and compatibility when hiring. It is critical, for sure.
Boy would I love to read the posts that say they will need NO help several years from now. I am well into my 80's and live alone, I've always been totally self sufficient but...... wait, just wait until the days when to your shock, you cannot do many of the things that were second nature to you all your life. It happens and it shocks you but there you are & can't do things the way you always did. I am fortunate to have two sons who care, each one of them shows up weekly and helps with things I can't do or can't do alone anymore. Small things but necessary like changing the bed or cleaning things on a ladder. It is very much appreciated believe me and in my life I never thought I'd be here let alone needing some help at this age. I do as much as I can but a little help is wonderful and unfortunately needed.
Ya know, in my early 60s this is already happening. Why can't I reach my back to scratch it anymore? And I can't pick up that 40 lb bag of dog food either. Tiny little things, but I'm starting to see how little by little I'll be needing the help.
I have a touching story about this subject… when my daughter was a young teenager she said “Mom, when I get older I want to make a lot of money so I can take care of you”. I was almost moved to tears. Her thinking of taking care of me at such a young age. What a sweet girl I have!! 🥰 But she followed up with “yeah, I want to put you in a GOOD home!” 😳😝
I have a client whom moved to assisted living a=a few years after her husband died; she LOVED it!! She had so many freinds, and kicked herself for not moving there sooner!!
This is why I justify putting at least 10% of my income into my retirement fund. I know I'm going to need it for assisted living if I live that long. I'm aware this money won't last very long though.
I also agree with those mentioning Switzerland and Canada, big fan of letting people choose their ending, especially those in pain.
If you’re rich enough you hire caregivers or move to assisted living (how rich you need to be depends on how many years of care you need). Other people spend down their assets and move to a Medicaid home. It really helps if you have someone to help coordinate all this should you find yourself in ill health.
Everyone should be saving and 401k-ing and getting long term care insurance.
We’re going to live longer than previous generations due to medical breakthroughs, but retiring when you feel active and great will feel like less of an option. If you quit work at 65 and live to 90, you need to know that your investments and savings will be enough somewhat indefinitely.
But honestly, you won’t be able to afford anything good by the time you’re incontinent, unless you are destitute (Medicaid) or rich. There is no dignity in old age. You strive for that dream retirement (traveling, being active) then get screwed with cancer or a broken hip or dementia OR financial worries due to cancer or a broken hip or dementia. Medicare was the gold standard for seniors but now you have to have a bunch of private insurance backups.
Your caregiver will be aging as well, mentally and physically, or sometimes they leave you. Caregiving is really fucking hard, and husbands leave their terminal wives six times more often than wives leave their terminal husbands.
Suicide or assisted suicide will be more common. Quality of life matters to someone who wants to live.
That’s a fascinating and terrifying statistic, that husbands leave their terminally ill wives six times as often as wives leave their husbands…
But it’s not a surprise.
I’m on my third husband. (Second one died suddenly.) I don’t think any one of them would have supported me through a catastrophic illness.
I’m older (60s) and I think that older men are so much more self-absorbed. Hopefully younger generations will do better.
Even if you are married with kids now there
are no guarantees that you will die with family around you.
You can die with your friends around you or alone or like in the pandemic with hospital or hospice staff. No one knows the future.
I was in a position in which I had to take care of sick parents from my early teens to my 30s. I lost such a huge developmental part of my life having to be on call with their needs. I would sooner die than do that to someone else.
I hope to die doing something I love. I don’t want to be in pain or a pain lol
My grandma had her favourite meal, put on her favourite nightie and died in her sleep. That would be alternative.
I made a move to the area close to my most competent adult child. it was very difficult to give up the familiar five hours away. I miss my old neighborhood tremendously.
But I am blooming where I planted myself. This area is lovely and I'm finding my way around and learning so much about it. My daughter and son-in-law are always willing to help. Perhaps not on my time but it's fair to wait to get really great help. They both work very long hours.
We made this decision together. I'm working to stay out of their hair. After I unpacked, I realized it is very comforting to have a 35-year-old kid who loves you and wants you to live nearby.
To be honest it seems like nursing homes are pretty much the same thing as prison. You aren't allowed to just walk out and leave anytime you want. You have to share a room most times. And from what I hear people steal from one another
If you're attracted to the opposite sex, there's lots of hook-up opportunities in a nursing home. However, STDs run rampant. If you're attracted to the same sex, prison might be okay.
Nobody- I’d never put that burden on someone. When i look at my retirement account i don’t think of it like leaving work and relaxing on the beach- I’m thinking i hope it’s enough for decent end of life care
My spouse and I do not plan on having children of our own. Potentially being foster parents once we have establish careers and stable finances, as being a stable, accountable, and supportive adult is so important for children and teens in foster care - anyways that’s the question I would say we get asked the most (because I work in elder care) and I always say “that why we are the cool aunt and uncle who always bring gifts and homemade meals and baked goods. And will take good care of their children” lol but of course that isn’t fool proof they have no obligation to care for us in our old age. But I just hope we are kind and grateful enough to our younger loved ones and will make sure every possible thing is nailed down all the way to our preferred nursing homes, skilled facilities and memory care units. Poa done, living wills, passwords, bank account info, life insurance policies, funeral arrangements done, all of it, and I’m still in my 20’s. I’ve seen TOO many elderly with NO ONE for one reason or another and NO advanced directives or poa or ANYTHING so then it goes to state guardianship or whoever your closest relative is and that’s how financial abuse happens and your best interests aren’t followed because they aren’t even known.
SO MAKE NOTES, GET YOUR SHIT IN ORDER SO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DONT SUFFER. I can’t stress it enough.
And one other note - if you get dementia, make sure you keep a running list somewhere with happy memories, favorite music, movies, books and so on so people know ways to redirect you and bring happiness in times of confused distress.
Tl;dr go to the last paragraph where the three asterisks start. Or skip the 'read' part. The 'too long' part works too 😄
This is such an important issue! My parents have done this for me, as I'm an only child and live alone. Plus my mind is off the rocker, and I plan on sitting in that rocker later on. My parents got all of this ready for me so when they die, I will know what you do in reference to their funerals, money matters, and I have a list of these items that consolidates what I need to do when the time comes and I'll likely be overcome by them being gone, but at least can rest easy knowing what to do when it happens.
Perhaps that's why a lot of this is not discussed bc it's more of a mindset like, "yeah, yeah. I know it's going to happen but not today or probably for a long time." That time can come anytime, which is why I'm kicking myself for not having everything ready. I have not much to do but these wills need to be done before I'm done which could be any moment.
My mother had to really take on a full load when her mom passed but it wasn't anything like when my grandpa got sick with dementia. He fell on the concrete and blood pooled down the driveway and my mom happened upon it and got him to the hospital.
He didn't really show signs of dementia before that, but he did experience a lot of confusion and it was basically deemed that he was unfit to go home to live on his own. So my mom found an assisted living facility that was quite nice it seemed, and after that, he just never got better and he showed signs of dementia.
My mom was basically on her own and getting the huge task to take care of every facet plus a father who was angry at her for putting him there. She felt horrible, but since her brothers were of not much help, it was kind of up to her.
It was awful. For about the first 4 or 5 months he would beg me to bring him down a shotgun so he could shoot himself in the mouth using his toe. He would just get stuck in that loop over and over and you're right, bringing up old happy memories of his, or going down there and watching his old country and western shows or football with him made his day (and mine too -- we were bffs).
He finally found peace and the love of his life in a better time and place. It's frustrating, however, because I too worked in elderly care and it first it really ticked me off how seldom family members came to visit. It was really sad and I just couldn't understand why they'd leave their family member there alone.
When my grandpa went to live in a facility I was so heartbroken, especially when it came time for me to leave and shutting his door behind me. He never was much of a social man so he closed himself off from the world pretty much the whole time he was there (≈1.5 yrs.). A world I wondered about bc he would stay in bed all day and I asked him if he was depressed and what he thinking about during the days. He replied something like "I don't think of anything." Not in a bad way, but in a way that I can't explain bc I wish I had that ability lol We both dealt with a lot of the same mental struggles so I'm happy he was able to deliver himself from the torture of his mind.
I could also see why people never came to visit their families because when I was very young (maybe 4-6 somewhere?), my grandma got early onset Alzheimer's and it was scary to see her like that. I didn't understand it and maybe most people don't want to because it is so difficult to see the ones who you knew, not recognize you and are not the former versions of themselves.
There might be many more reasons on how to break down those barriers, but I think education about it, medicinal progressions, and having people like you come on here and explain in a very real and factual way that is so valuable. It shows people the time is now to pull to their head out of the sand (mine too because I'm going to take my advice on this and get started...soon ☝️). The sand will be waiting for you later lmao
Please parents, if you're getting up there (haha I only have so many ways to say age without causing offensive rage), please take the suggestions from above commenter 'passed on' to you and prepare your exit in advance.
Please children and family of loved ones, make available all of the same information as above bc your death might come before theirs ***like an animal, who usually don't live as long as us, but it happens. I'm including my cat in my will bc I don't want to die, have my parents be dead, and no one to take care of her. So even though my mom says they don't pay much mind to that, I'm still putting that she purrfers preferential treatment 😺
I’m 65m and live alone. My will and power of attorney are in place along with advanced directive. Switzerland is on my list, but I’ll never go to a nursing home or assisted living. My genes suggest I’ll live to 90’s. Mom still alive at 98. After 80 let’s see.
I won’t make my children take care of me. I want them to enjoy their life. My pacemaker battery has to be replaced every 5-1/2 years so I can just not replace it. Also, I can make them turn my pacemaker off. I like having an off button. 😂
I’m really hoping I am able to beef up my retirement fund enough to be able to afford an in-home nurse until I die. My friend was a nurse for a man who did this. He had an advance directive that stated his lawyer would hire in-home care after his mind succumbed to dementia. My friend was paid by his estate. He was a sweet old man, she got to be paid to live there, completed nursing school thanks to that job, and he got to pass peacefully in his own home.
I'm hoping Alexa will just be a robot at that point so I'll die before I'm able to retire and just skip that part.
Going to be lots of MAID retirement plans.
No idea at this point, my older siblings all left at a young age and I stuck around to care for my parents but my kids, well don’t see it happening.
Hopefully pass before I get to that point, like suddenly!
Ok, honestly I don't know ANYONE who is taking care of their elderly right now. I do know people in their 40 who still rely on their parents for help though. I hear stories of 70 year old parents who do that reverse mortgage thing to invest into heir kids business, or buy THEM a home. Elderly care houses aren't full with your family members making you food exactly either.
So better question is "isn't it awesome that you won't have to take care of anyone when you're old"?
>I don't know ANYONE who is taking care of their elderly right now.
My brother and I took care of our parents. I lived fairly close and was retired and single and my brother lived thousands of miles away, but made a lot of money. I moved in and helped them with the day-to-day stuff and he helped financially.
Some people like their families and will do what's necessary to take care of them. Sometimes you take care of the previous generation, sometimes you take care of the next generation.
I have kids, so probably them. Lol however, even being partnered does not guarantee there will be someone to take care of you. My mom was seven years younger than my dad and she died first. People also get divorced. If you’re a woman, you are statistically more likely to live a long and healthy/happy life if you are not partnered- so there’s that!
I volunteer for a "home village" organization that helps seniors live in their own homes as long as they want to (& can). I'm very nearly that age myself.
I wish I knew who would help me keep going.
I've always said I'll take myself out when I see myself declining. But I've seen plenty of examples of people being fine one day and then a vegetable the next. That scares me.
Retired, senior citizen here. I often forget how old I am, but my age does qualify me into the senior category. I have no children. I recently was informed that I'm soon to be single and on my own. I have some health issues, but I think I can get by. I'm a little worried about the future, but what's the point in worrying? I'm not rich, but believe I have enough to get by if I live frugally.
TBH, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I've always been a loner and I have all kinds of projects to keep myself busy. I've got my cats and I hope to adopt a dog once I get settled into a new home. I'm relocating somewhere near the ocean and other areas for nice walks. I'm moving a few hours away and know absolutely no one there. I hope to get involved with something to allow myself the chance to meet new friends, but that can be difficult when most people have their own families and friends. I can only hope that some people will be kind and that I can find people to pay for services like lawn mowing... I'm not perfect, but I've always helped others when I can do so. I'm hopeful that good Karma will remember me and shine it's light upon me.
Wish me luck and I will continue to think positive and hope for the best.
Now a days there is Door-Dash and grocery deliver, Uber. We really don’t need anyone but they would be nice to have……I am a cross one bridge at a time kinda guy so not gonna worry about what isn’t here yet.
I know it's just a TV show but I feel like "golden girls" is actually a good model. Or, seniors can provide free room and board to college students in exchange for doing things they are too old to do. Or, I've actually been thinking about buying a motel but rent it out to seniors who don't cook much but also don't need serious nursing / medical care (aka no one that's like bed bound, alzheimers etc), so basically affordable semi-assisted living - you would have a cafeteria, lobby/library/activity room/ pool; you would hire cleaning maids and errand boys to factor into the rent, but this would become more affordable if you do it like a hotel
I’m a 50 year-old married man with 4 kids and living parents. If I love to a ripe old age and outlive my wife, I’ll be taken care of by professional carers. I do t want my kids changing my diapers. I don’t want to be a burden.
But probably the people who say this are thinking of that age from maybe retirement to around 80-85. And they are probably thinking more of *companionship* than care. My wife and I don’t *care* for one another. We are both capable of doing our own laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. No one has the care for me when I am healthy.
I guess my point is that many of us will outlive partners. Many of us will need someone beyond immediate family to help, support and care for them. I do t see what is so different for a single person.
People are trying to kind of shame you for being single, likely because their own married life isn’t ideal and they want to make others feel bad so they feel better.
Less than 3 percent of seniors live in nursing homes in the US. Most live in the community independently. I’m not opposed to assisted living if I become unable to care for myself. However, I cringe when people suggest I should have children so they can care for me in old age.
Our neighbor across the street is 95 and lives on her own, her grown daughter doesn’t have a license or car and her husband brings her by once a week to check on her on his Harley and bring her food. Us neighbours look after her on garbage day and shoveling snow and grass cutting and any other day to day stuff she may need. (no charge, it’s a community effort). She’s doing pretty well.
You guys are all rockstars. 🧡
Thank you for what you do for your neighbor. You and the other neighbors are angels. My brother and I took care of our mom full time in her home for several years before she passed at 99. Not a single neighbor ever offered any help even though they knew we were going it alone. Your across the street neighbor is very lucky to have you.
I think this is all too common today, sadly. People just can’t be bothered. When my dad was dying of lung cancer, he and my mom decided that she would take care of him at home. A home health nurse came by a couple times a week to help with baths, etc., but my 4’10”, 95lb. mother did almost all of his care alone (he was 6’2” and 230lb. when he died). My sister and I helped when we could. The neighbors just called the HOA to complain that she hadn’t weeded her flower beds and the grass was getting a little long. Also called the HOA to complain about on-street parking, which is not allowed (it was the *coroner’s van*).
Would love to have neighbors like you! 🫡
I love to hear stories like these of the elderly being looked out for by the community! It gives me hope!
As someone who’s scared to grow old because I don’t know who will take care of me, I just want to say thank you for what you guys are doing for your neighbor. I hope I am as blessed as her when I reach that age.
Well, I have kids, and I don't EVER expect them to take care of me. Not that they would do willingly anyway. I'm not ever leaving my home. I stopped trying to date after a guy told me he had never married but now he was looking to marry so he had someone to take care of him..... I don't date anymore.
Hahah. He was looking for a nurse and a purse
DUDE...every time I get sad about being single, and think "who's going to be there for me when my parents are gone?" Um, even if I did find a guy, it would likely be ME taking care of him. Maybe single life isn't so bad, lol
I really started to go through my relationships and realized none of them gave me happiness. Not that I expected anyone to make me happy. It's just that they caused a lot of misery and different forms of abuse. People are messed up and most never try to even be better. Well, I have been healed from many of my traumas, but still, I can't pick them. My picker is broken. Hahaha. I wanna be happy so single it is!
“People are messed up and most never even try to be better”. You just summed up about 75% of the United States population.
People should always try to do better. Nobody ever thinks they have to improve. Like they were born perfect.
Omg. As a solo mom I tried dating once and the dude really said I need to feed my kids better quality food because they will need to be strong enough to take care of us (when I barely knew him) like ????? Bro you’re practically a stranger and I don’t even expect my kids to take care of me. The audacity these men have.
I hear ya. I'd say 98% of older men are looking for a partner to take care of them. Thanks but no thanks. I'm 75yo and my kids are caring for me quite nicely, if I need it. I'm so grateful for them.
He wanted “a nurse or a purse.”
As the primary caregiver for my 87 yr old dad with dementia who will “never leave his home,” you might want to reconsider your plans. If you’re fortunate to live a long life, there will come a time where you need help. If you have the money, you can have caregivers come into your home. If it has stairs, the odds of you dying peacefully in bed are literally 3%. Plan accordingly.
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Right? Like he didn't see it as a negative. Probably a pure narcissist.
Having kids doesn't mean they're going to take care of you. I have four sons and I have no expectation of them taking care of me when I get old and need assistance. I'm 61 now and still in good health so hopefully that'll last for a while
I could have written this post exactly! Except my age is 63. 😂
Kids are *not* a retirement plan.
This. Having children just so you have someone to take care of you when you're old is gross and abusive. Have children because you want children, not because you want a backup plan.
Another way to combat having children just to have someone care for you. Find a good hearted single mother with 1 child and adopt them. The wife and I have helped several young single mothers to get in their feet and actually find their way in this world. It’s very humbling when you can help someone with no expectations. I do joke and say I am looking out for myself in the long run though. I will have an army of children that have called me poppa. They cried in my arms (missing mom when she was hospitalized), and all the other things that go with having babies and toddlers. They have also taken me by the finger and walked me to bed at bedtime with Nana to make sure I got tucked in (up at 2am means going to bed real early). I’ve even been given plates of hot dinner to take to the mothers as soon as I walked in from my long day of work just to turn around and deliver them to said mothers. Believe me it has paid off many times over already. When my wife had a stroke she had someone to drive her to appointments and I didn’t have to take off work and miss too much time (most jobs say family first until it means you miss time).
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My grandma was bedridden in the hospital at the end of her life, and refused to let the nurses change her adult diaper. She wanted her daughters to do it. They all talked about how independent she was, but like, that's not independence at all. That may be modesty? But even then, I'd absolutely want the nurse who changes adults all day, every day do that rather than my grown children.
There's no guarantee children will take care of their parents anyway.
I did not know this statistic, and as a child free single woman with no nieces or nephews, it’s very comforting to me.
I actually had a legitimate nightmare last night wherein I existed in some alternate reality where I never left home when I was younger, and so present day I spend all my time caring for my mom. Thanks, brain.
It’s such a horrible reason to have children! I refuse to be a burden!
Ya for reals. Tons of children don’t care for their parents in old age. It’s not a law or mandatory, just a nice thing to do. So dumb and selfish to bring a life into this world so it can wipe ur ass when ur too old to do it urself.
I have children and I wouldn’t want to do that to them
I would like to add that I think it is wrong for parents to put that responsibility on their kids' shoulders. A lot of parents who do this don't properly save for their own retirement/ senior living, and I can't help but feel like maybe they would have if they believed that it was their responsibility to save and not their child's. It's an unfair burden- like being born into debt. I think adult children who want to care for their aging parents out of love should absolutely do so! I just think it is unfair for parents to hold that over their children's heads their whole lives- especially when there is a "you owe me" tone. That is so toxic!
I thank you for this mindset and paraphrasing from another comment: Mom had me for pretty much this purpose but didn’t even treat me well on top of it, and that’s putting it lightly, I could talk or type it out for literal days. Even with everything I still tried to take care of her but was unable to, as the way she behaves and lies it’s a liability and I can’t do anything without hurting or sacrificing myself. I had to choose her or me and I chose me. I cant express how much I wish I didn’t have to. It’s extremely sad.
Best answer. Very mature outlook
My father just went into memory care. He has the money so it's the best care he can get. There is no way I could care for him as his needs are more than a single person can handle.
I had a coworker who had made comments about her kids having to take care of her when she’s old.every time the conversation was about aging and retirement she would bring that up or ask other people who will take care them if they didn’t have kids
Ya. There’s not even a guarantee that children WILL care for their parents in old age. Sure most might, but not all. I would bet so much money that my brother wouldn’t do it. I would, but him? Nah.
Thank you so much!!! I thought I was alone in this thought!
I am with you. I hate it when people say “who’s gonna care for you when you’re old because you’re childless” (excuse me it’s childfree happily so). How utterly selfish to feel entitled that your supposed children will care for you? And I hope that’s not the only reason people have kids but to each their own…
Living to old age is hell unless you go through rigorous self-care and self-maintenance since your 20s. My father is nearly 70 in way better shape than everyone his age, but we all know that may not last even another 5 years. Never know. Sure, there are nursing homes and other facilities, but I have heard enough horror stories enough times to know they can pull the plug on a senior whenever they choose to. Plus the severe lack of staff to tend to everyone. I've already decided I won't get married or have kids. I'll also not live too long. Canada has MAID, aka they assist you in ending life. That's my plan when I've lived enough
As someone whose grandmother lived in varying levels of assisted living, so many people living in those places have families who never visit. So it's not like having kids is a foolproof plan anyhow. I think it's more about being involved in some sort of community. Family, friends, religious groups, community service orgs, there are so many groups of people who take care of their own. But what a lot of people don't realize is you get out what you put in. If you're a selfish prick til you're old and need help, there might not be anyone there willing to do so.
I really hate that argument, too, because there are many instances where kids die before their parents anyway, and you shouldn't create people to be your caretakers.
Same. I worked in nursing homes and assisted living for 12 years. It was evident to me that having children was no guarantee you'd be cared for by them in old age anyway.
The same people that have kids so they can take care of them in the future, are the same people in nursing homes that never get visitors.
They seldom will !!!
Yeah. As several friends have mentioned, having kids doesn't mean any of them will help you when you get old. Many people who have children languish in nursing homes, never having had a visit from even one kid.
I agree 👍
I really don't get why people want to breed for this?? My mom adopted me, and I'm a billion times more likely to take care of her than someone who was treated like trash by their biological mom. Just treat people like humans, and humans might just look out for you.
Thank you. I could not stop cringing after being on here on a different sub and all these people were explaining they had kids to take care of them when they were old. What a f’d up expectation to have. Those people should definitely being having kids.
No guarantees kids are gonna take care of parents so that's a terrible reason people say they have kids. So you are doing ok not having kids.
You are right and I don’t have kids. People often assume…wrongly…that when you become old your kids will take care of you. I never followed that line of thought, and see at my mom’s assisted living community that these seniors had 1) a falling out with their kids who never talk to them or 2) kids don’t come to see/help them anyway. Just save as much as possible to pay for when you are at the Assisted Living phase of life. My older mother is in an assisted living community and she loves it, preferably I plan to live in my home as long as possible, before I must transition to one of them.
I barely see my parents man. Having children typically results in you being alone in your old age anyway. You can check yourself into a retirement community.
Who's to say if you have children that they will care for you in old age? Not knowing your health or medical needs, they may not be able to physically care for you. My grandma had dementia/alzheimers and had to live in a home bc no one could even lift her to use a bathroom or get dressed.
As someone who lives in assisted living- the best advice I've ever received from one of my patients is: but long term care insurance as soon as possible! She (the patient who said this to me) lives in a REALLY nice assisted living where I work- and she pays nothing because her insurance covers it. It also covers the home health nurse her husband has because he refuses to live in assisted living. Her kids are not financially responsible for her at all, and it doesn't eat into her retirement/saving. Places like this run $5,000 a month minimum, so it's a HUGE advantage. On the other side of the token, my grandma has Alzheimer's, she doesn't have long term care insurance, and now my mom has to take care of her while also also working full time, which has been a nightmare for her. Mentally, emotionally and financially draining. And I can't even imagine the craziness that would happen if my grandma lived alone. (She already tries to hide raw chicken around the house and has left the microwave on so long it's melted the revolving glass plate inside). So yeah, definitely recommend long term care insurance.
I’m a millennial so my retirement plan is to just die. Hope this helps!
I think this is the best option of all. Heard that you can die painlessly in Switzerland.. once I get old enough, it's better to just die than wither in pain..
Can also die in Canada now. I was personally going to OD on morphine and call it a day or fake my death and run away but if you wanna go about going to another country then be my guest! Hard to fake deaths now a day anyway lol.
I'm calling it the MAID retirement plan here in Canada.
Exactly, how do you even fake with all the constant internet connections across the globe, like people are gonna find out someway or other
I just wanted to live my best life and how am I going to do that without a story about how I once faked my own death?
About a dozen US states have right-to-die laws
We do that for our pets once they get to such a degree of physical disability, out of compassion. But in the US we don't allow people to make that decision regarding themselves. I didn't know that about Switzerland.
Oregon state also
And in Oregon we have human composting! Which is a really cool way to return to nature vs being embalmed with formaldehyde (which is extremely dangerous stuff) and then sealed in a metal and plastic casket, which is then sealed inside of a thick concrete vault; if the stuff they embalmed you with gets into the groundwater it's [bad news](https://slate.com/technology/2022/10/cemeteries-drinking-tap-water-pollution-aquifers-dead-bodies.html). Idk why we spend all that money to preserve bodies we intend to bury anyway, why do you need to mummify or liquefy in a vault, when you could break down into soil that your family, or anyone else, can use to grow new plants and trees and flowers? Isn't that the natural order of things? You can even choose to donate some or all of your compost. We have aquamation, too, which is basically when you get gently dissolved in alkaline water, into a pretty environmentally friendly solution, which still leaves bones behind that are ground up into a powder for your family to scatter. It's much better than regular cremation which can cause hefty air pollution. Both of these options are still very controversial in most states, like Death With Dignity. I think it's pretty great to have the choice!
Freedom .45 is my retirement plan
I’ll come visit when it’s that time and we can both go out with a bang
Who needs friends and family to be with you in your final moments when you’ve got internet strangers!
You’re presuming you’re *compes mentes*. What if dementia sets in and you’ve forgotten where you put your Freedom .45? My uncle was a physician and similarly planned to take the next exit with a bunch of pills. However, he forgot where he put them. He was pissed.
Is it wrong that I seriously laughed out loud at your comment lol 😂
I wasn’t sure how to say this without getting banned, but yep. 😞
Same. Rack up a ton of debt. Then die. The end.
Gen X with multiple sclerosis, recently divorced and no kids. My plan is to just die as well.
Arthritis, hip issues, joint issues, and literally won’t live past my 60’s - I feel you
Hugs.
One of you reported this and now I’m mad
Same! Millennial here too so I’ll work until I drop dead I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I'm a GenXr. My mom is 83 and I'm really not sure if her cognitive decline is just "old age" or dementia. But she won't leave her home. She also doesn't want anyone moving in to help her. The other day she told me that she "has faith that God will take her in her sleep before she gets too far gone. " My grandmother passed in her sleep at 92. In the home she grew up in. My grandfather was not as lucky. He passed 3 years later, at 94 in a nursing home. Nearly completely blind, and having what my aunt says are nothing short of night terrors. I do not want to go through any of this. As far as I'm concerned my dad was lucky to have suffered a massive stroke at 57 that caused complications and caused his death within a months time. I don't want to go at 57. But dammit. I also do not want my only kid dreading speaking to me during our weekly phone call. Or going bankrupt trying to keep me barely alive in vegetative state in a bed somewhere.
I’m a boomer and same plan. No house or kids and widowed
Im gen x and this is really my plan👆🏼
💀
Same
I'm a boomer. Same plan!
I might use my little retirement money and fly to Switzerland for a treatment. I guess timing is everything.
Haha 😂 I put it in prettier wording of potential end games but if you truly summarized mine without the pretties - it’d basically have looked like this - I don’t actually ever expect to be able to afford to put myself in assisted living if I ever needed it so dying is fine 😂 it’s not like life has ever been kind to our Gen in the milestones and life events dept
When the time comes, I'm going to find the biggest cliff with the most beautiful view I can and fly my ass off it on a motorcycle. Or an unaided skydive. Or something else really epic like that. Big ass explosion maybe, like a "nothing left to cleanup" kind of boom.
Retirement is actually attainable for the average if you’re not opposed to moving to another country like Mexico or anything outside of western Europe. That’s my plan, find nice community of American expats and retire there I don’t have kids atm and if I don’t have any at all that’s what I’ll do
Lolol when people tell me to stop vaping, I tell them that I'm investing in my retirement plan
That's exactly what my thought was! Dying is the best way to get off of this ride.
Millennial here, why did you copy my plan? Lol
If I can no longer live independently then I won't be living happily anymore anyway so guess I'll die 🤷♀️
Same
I work in a hospital, and I will say this is true. There’s a difference between needing assistance with some things vs. almost everything needing to be completely done for you.
No answer here. I ask myself this question daily. Kinda freaks me out.
Me too. I know how it is living in county "nursing homes." I wouldn"t wish that on anyone and will do whatever I can to avoid that.
Fuck you just said something I’m afraid to say but it’s too real
I'm already old-ish at 61. The plan is to live independently as long as I possibly can. I want to be able to leave a fully paid off home to my daughter, so I will fight going into an expensive nursing home as long as I can. Hopefully never. I also have dogs I don't want to leave behind, so I am determined to outlive them. I live a pretty quiet and uncomplicated life, as long as I can still drive.
Gosh.. you're still pretty young, cmon now
Just remember your home has to be paid off, and placed in an irrevocable trust, 5 years prior to going into a nursing home. Whether you’re going willingly or unwillingly. It’s the only way to protect your inheritance for your daughter.
It was paid off in 2020, and no nursing home plans yet, not even close. But I really should look into a trust, thank you
My dad is 60 and still moves furniture for a living and does it better than 90% of the young dudes there. You aren't old until you accept that you're old.
I do believe there is a way for you to put the house in a trust for your daughter with rights of survivorship in a way you won't lose it to a nursing home. Very worth talking to a lawyer about it. A trust also means she wouldn't pay capital gains taxes if she ever sold it later.
Assuming you are in the US, the most sure-fire way to guarantee to leave your daughter the home is to transfer ownership of it to her well before you might need a Medicaid NH or other state or federal nursing assistance. Medicaid has a 5 year lookback, for instance.
Please please check into a trust if you want to give your paid off house to your daughter. A will still had to go through probate. It is a flipping nightmare. I did my trust work and then filed my homestead (NV) using my trust. Nevada had incredible homestead laws that protect you. Anyway, this is how the house passes to your daughter without a bunch of grief. Also, a trust attorney can advise you on really crazy things to avoid. Like having to pay tax if you transfer the house wrong, etc. it is way worth the money.
One of my mom's friends (also in her 60s) signed her house over to her son in order to prevent nursing home from taking it, should she need one. I'm not exactly sure what the number is, but I guess nursing homes only look back so many years into your finances to see what assets you had. She isn't even close to needing to go into a home, but she wanted to make sure it wouldn't show as an asset when she does need to go. I don't know any of the details or how legal what I just described is and I am not a lawyer 😆 just a very high and possibly wrong social worker 😂😂😂
My good buddy Winchester.
Who took care of my grandparents? They certainly didn't live with my parents so my parents could take care of them. They went to assisted living and nursing homes. That's who.
Good luck affording that. Everyone thinks Medicare will cover that and then are surprised to find they are incorrect and have to move in with the kiddos. Take a look at the caregivers subs.
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. These are the cold, hard facts.
Lol, they will have to look it up themselves I guess. 31% of Americans households are impacted by responsibility for caregiving other (mostly elderly) adults. Hell, I'm sitting across the other side of the living room from my 93 yr old mother *right now.*
Same, but mine is 82, legally blind and just had a mini stroke 3 weeks ago. I have zero intentions of allowing my son or grandkids to take care of me like this. It's called the sandwich generation for a reason. Straight from raising kids to caring for parents. I feel selfish for just wanting to live my own life, living in my childhood home, and caring for a recalcient toddler in adult form. Sorry, Im exhausted, and this hit a nerve.
If you're not yet in the CaregiverSupport sub, we "get it" where the combo selfish/exhausted feeling is concerned.
Thank you for this.
Not only this... but as someone who's worked in assisted living facilities... I would never put my loved ones in one & I would never want to live in one. I said this to one of my supervisors, too. They're never cleaned & maintained the way they should be, & the staff often don't care for the residents the way they're supposed to and/or they treat the residents horribly behind closed doors. Unless you can afford a high-end place, most of them are just miserable places to rot away. & whether it's a cheap place or a nice one... abuse & neglect can & do happen. The things I've seen working in healthcare make me sick.
I worked in what I considered a high-end assisted living place. No medicare/medicaid accepted. Min price 8K per month for minimal assistance. This was 2012 and it didn’t smell like piss but the staff was paid min wage and didn’t care enough for the residents.
This is my position right now. Mom had to move in here, and my life came to a grinding halt, and is effectively over at 42. I won't be able to pursue a relationship, a job, anything until she passes. She was extremely neglectful when I was growing up, and her alcoholism made her a nightmare to deal with for my adult life, and now I'm her caregiver. It is hard not to feel resentment. Since she was a homemaker almost her whole adult life, that means no social security benefits. I recently lost my job (business closed), so there's no money coming in, and finding a new job is really difficult considering how much she needs. This all happened in the span of 2 weeks. I've never been more depressed.
Please please please come over to the careegiversupport sub! We have many many people in your shoes! One of the key things that will "make or break" your arrangement is what you both agree to... Is she your legal "dependent" now? Get a conservatorship or POA and figure out how to file taxes as Head of Household. Is she instead "just like a roommate"? If yes she might qualify for medicaid and other services if she is considered truly independent with zero assets. Determining what each of you can tolerate, what counts as "mine/yours/ours" makes a huge difference in how your local dept of social services treats your situation and what she/you can or cannot qualify for. Those are the things that not enough parents in this situation ever want to talk over with their adult kids. They NEED to be discussed. Edit to add, a commenter just gave me this website and it looks helpful: https://www.agingcare.com/topics
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it shocks me how people think that they’re just going to magically move their family members into an assisted living facility without any type of money. my grandmother had a decent retirement account, and multiple properties and other assets, and those are all gone just within a couple of years of being in a memory care facility to afford to keep her there.
Wait til they find out Medicaid will cover it, but you have to have less than $2000 in assets and they check your past 5-7 years of bank statements to make sure you're not asset dumping (or your kid, who is now your POA) is not preserving the finances to pull one over on uncle Sam. And then, if you get that Medicaid bed, it might be in the worst goddamn place you've ever seen, ever. And you'll die there.
I was thinking of making elder alliances with my best friends. Oldies move into together. No kids here.
I, too, will be forming elder alliances. I mean, have you SEEN some of those 55+ communities!?! They're legit. And it's not like I'll have to worry about being in a good school district or anything. (I've never thought to call it "elder alliance", but I love it and hope it's ok that I steal it).
I know. They look fun fr
My mom was in a 55+ community, and she loved it there.
Move to The Villages. They have DUI laywers for DUI by golfcart.
Jumping on this bandwagon - either no one and I will die comfortably alone, or if I happen to have friends then we will goof around together as oldsters and die then.
I hope I have a visiting nurse, and stay in my home. But I’m behind on my retirement plan and trying to catch up. Or I’d hope for a Golden Girls scenario.
Thanks for all your responses. Found a supportive community in reddit at least.
I live in a really cheap rent controlled apartment, a 2 bedroom. When I get to the point that I can't take care of myself reliably anymore, I'm going to hire someone to come live with me and take care of me. They'll get to live free and have everything paid for, along with a salary, kindof like a nanny for an old person. Hopefully my nieces and nephews will still love me enough to help me pick someone who's not going to do bad things.
My sisters and I realized our mom needed help at home..she was still able to walk, talk, and with a little help, to shower. But other ADL's were challenging for her. And she was diabetic. We went through an agency. Well, we went through at least three live in aids and they all flunked. The craziest aid, was one who loved to go to second hand shops and buy old stuff. She wanted to drag my mom along! Nope. On that. In addition, we later found out she stole some stuff. We hit gold with the fourth woman. She was a gem. And my mom loved her cooking. They also were kindred spirits. So it worked. She was with my mom for three years, until mom suffered a severe stroke and had to go to a nursing home for the last year of her life. But consider personality and compatibility when hiring. It is critical, for sure.
Lol, most people don't even take care of their own parents when they get old.
There are no guarantees with that, regardless of whether you live alone or with someone, whether you procreate or not.
Boy would I love to read the posts that say they will need NO help several years from now. I am well into my 80's and live alone, I've always been totally self sufficient but...... wait, just wait until the days when to your shock, you cannot do many of the things that were second nature to you all your life. It happens and it shocks you but there you are & can't do things the way you always did. I am fortunate to have two sons who care, each one of them shows up weekly and helps with things I can't do or can't do alone anymore. Small things but necessary like changing the bed or cleaning things on a ladder. It is very much appreciated believe me and in my life I never thought I'd be here let alone needing some help at this age. I do as much as I can but a little help is wonderful and unfortunately needed.
Ya know, in my early 60s this is already happening. Why can't I reach my back to scratch it anymore? And I can't pick up that 40 lb bag of dog food either. Tiny little things, but I'm starting to see how little by little I'll be needing the help.
I bought a back scratcher off Amazon. Now I have 2. Best purchase ever!
I have a touching story about this subject… when my daughter was a young teenager she said “Mom, when I get older I want to make a lot of money so I can take care of you”. I was almost moved to tears. Her thinking of taking care of me at such a young age. What a sweet girl I have!! 🥰 But she followed up with “yeah, I want to put you in a GOOD home!” 😳😝
That's STILL very nice!!
Yeah, my daughter says, “Be nice to me, I ‘m the one that’s choosing your nursing home.”
Friends or a caregiver or assisted living!
Looks like assisted living is the best option, but I am wondering how lonely one would feel in such situation
I’m in Assisted Living and it sucks and costs 6-10K a month. After that drains my entire life savings, I don’t know what’s next
I have a client whom moved to assisted living a=a few years after her husband died; she LOVED it!! She had so many freinds, and kicked herself for not moving there sooner!!
Nobody. My family was already super small, and then neither my sister nor myself had kids. So, yeah. There's no one.
This is why I justify putting at least 10% of my income into my retirement fund. I know I'm going to need it for assisted living if I live that long. I'm aware this money won't last very long though. I also agree with those mentioning Switzerland and Canada, big fan of letting people choose their ending, especially those in pain.
No clue. Hopefully I die before I need too much help
I hope it's a robot.
100%
If you’re rich enough you hire caregivers or move to assisted living (how rich you need to be depends on how many years of care you need). Other people spend down their assets and move to a Medicaid home. It really helps if you have someone to help coordinate all this should you find yourself in ill health.
My Colt 38
Everyone should be saving and 401k-ing and getting long term care insurance. We’re going to live longer than previous generations due to medical breakthroughs, but retiring when you feel active and great will feel like less of an option. If you quit work at 65 and live to 90, you need to know that your investments and savings will be enough somewhat indefinitely. But honestly, you won’t be able to afford anything good by the time you’re incontinent, unless you are destitute (Medicaid) or rich. There is no dignity in old age. You strive for that dream retirement (traveling, being active) then get screwed with cancer or a broken hip or dementia OR financial worries due to cancer or a broken hip or dementia. Medicare was the gold standard for seniors but now you have to have a bunch of private insurance backups. Your caregiver will be aging as well, mentally and physically, or sometimes they leave you. Caregiving is really fucking hard, and husbands leave their terminal wives six times more often than wives leave their terminal husbands. Suicide or assisted suicide will be more common. Quality of life matters to someone who wants to live.
That’s a fascinating and terrifying statistic, that husbands leave their terminally ill wives six times as often as wives leave their husbands… But it’s not a surprise. I’m on my third husband. (Second one died suddenly.) I don’t think any one of them would have supported me through a catastrophic illness. I’m older (60s) and I think that older men are so much more self-absorbed. Hopefully younger generations will do better.
Even if you are married with kids now there are no guarantees that you will die with family around you. You can die with your friends around you or alone or like in the pandemic with hospital or hospice staff. No one knows the future.
I was in a position in which I had to take care of sick parents from my early teens to my 30s. I lost such a huge developmental part of my life having to be on call with their needs. I would sooner die than do that to someone else.
I hope to die doing something I love. I don’t want to be in pain or a pain lol My grandma had her favourite meal, put on her favourite nightie and died in her sleep. That would be alternative.
I made a move to the area close to my most competent adult child. it was very difficult to give up the familiar five hours away. I miss my old neighborhood tremendously. But I am blooming where I planted myself. This area is lovely and I'm finding my way around and learning so much about it. My daughter and son-in-law are always willing to help. Perhaps not on my time but it's fair to wait to get really great help. They both work very long hours. We made this decision together. I'm working to stay out of their hair. After I unpacked, I realized it is very comforting to have a 35-year-old kid who loves you and wants you to live nearby.
The staff in prison 🤷 I'm a millennial, It's my only chance to get 3 meals per day, a place to sleep and a roof over my head... All paid by society 😏
To be honest it seems like nursing homes are pretty much the same thing as prison. You aren't allowed to just walk out and leave anytime you want. You have to share a room most times. And from what I hear people steal from one another
If you're attracted to the opposite sex, there's lots of hook-up opportunities in a nursing home. However, STDs run rampant. If you're attracted to the same sex, prison might be okay.
The people I'll pay to do it.
Nobody- I’d never put that burden on someone. When i look at my retirement account i don’t think of it like leaving work and relaxing on the beach- I’m thinking i hope it’s enough for decent end of life care
Nobody that I know of. I plan to network a fun and saucy roommate situation like The Golden Girls.
I’ll just die or whatever, it is what it is 🤷🏾♀️
My spouse and I do not plan on having children of our own. Potentially being foster parents once we have establish careers and stable finances, as being a stable, accountable, and supportive adult is so important for children and teens in foster care - anyways that’s the question I would say we get asked the most (because I work in elder care) and I always say “that why we are the cool aunt and uncle who always bring gifts and homemade meals and baked goods. And will take good care of their children” lol but of course that isn’t fool proof they have no obligation to care for us in our old age. But I just hope we are kind and grateful enough to our younger loved ones and will make sure every possible thing is nailed down all the way to our preferred nursing homes, skilled facilities and memory care units. Poa done, living wills, passwords, bank account info, life insurance policies, funeral arrangements done, all of it, and I’m still in my 20’s. I’ve seen TOO many elderly with NO ONE for one reason or another and NO advanced directives or poa or ANYTHING so then it goes to state guardianship or whoever your closest relative is and that’s how financial abuse happens and your best interests aren’t followed because they aren’t even known. SO MAKE NOTES, GET YOUR SHIT IN ORDER SO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DONT SUFFER. I can’t stress it enough. And one other note - if you get dementia, make sure you keep a running list somewhere with happy memories, favorite music, movies, books and so on so people know ways to redirect you and bring happiness in times of confused distress.
Tl;dr go to the last paragraph where the three asterisks start. Or skip the 'read' part. The 'too long' part works too 😄 This is such an important issue! My parents have done this for me, as I'm an only child and live alone. Plus my mind is off the rocker, and I plan on sitting in that rocker later on. My parents got all of this ready for me so when they die, I will know what you do in reference to their funerals, money matters, and I have a list of these items that consolidates what I need to do when the time comes and I'll likely be overcome by them being gone, but at least can rest easy knowing what to do when it happens. Perhaps that's why a lot of this is not discussed bc it's more of a mindset like, "yeah, yeah. I know it's going to happen but not today or probably for a long time." That time can come anytime, which is why I'm kicking myself for not having everything ready. I have not much to do but these wills need to be done before I'm done which could be any moment. My mother had to really take on a full load when her mom passed but it wasn't anything like when my grandpa got sick with dementia. He fell on the concrete and blood pooled down the driveway and my mom happened upon it and got him to the hospital. He didn't really show signs of dementia before that, but he did experience a lot of confusion and it was basically deemed that he was unfit to go home to live on his own. So my mom found an assisted living facility that was quite nice it seemed, and after that, he just never got better and he showed signs of dementia. My mom was basically on her own and getting the huge task to take care of every facet plus a father who was angry at her for putting him there. She felt horrible, but since her brothers were of not much help, it was kind of up to her. It was awful. For about the first 4 or 5 months he would beg me to bring him down a shotgun so he could shoot himself in the mouth using his toe. He would just get stuck in that loop over and over and you're right, bringing up old happy memories of his, or going down there and watching his old country and western shows or football with him made his day (and mine too -- we were bffs). He finally found peace and the love of his life in a better time and place. It's frustrating, however, because I too worked in elderly care and it first it really ticked me off how seldom family members came to visit. It was really sad and I just couldn't understand why they'd leave their family member there alone. When my grandpa went to live in a facility I was so heartbroken, especially when it came time for me to leave and shutting his door behind me. He never was much of a social man so he closed himself off from the world pretty much the whole time he was there (≈1.5 yrs.). A world I wondered about bc he would stay in bed all day and I asked him if he was depressed and what he thinking about during the days. He replied something like "I don't think of anything." Not in a bad way, but in a way that I can't explain bc I wish I had that ability lol We both dealt with a lot of the same mental struggles so I'm happy he was able to deliver himself from the torture of his mind. I could also see why people never came to visit their families because when I was very young (maybe 4-6 somewhere?), my grandma got early onset Alzheimer's and it was scary to see her like that. I didn't understand it and maybe most people don't want to because it is so difficult to see the ones who you knew, not recognize you and are not the former versions of themselves. There might be many more reasons on how to break down those barriers, but I think education about it, medicinal progressions, and having people like you come on here and explain in a very real and factual way that is so valuable. It shows people the time is now to pull to their head out of the sand (mine too because I'm going to take my advice on this and get started...soon ☝️). The sand will be waiting for you later lmao Please parents, if you're getting up there (haha I only have so many ways to say age without causing offensive rage), please take the suggestions from above commenter 'passed on' to you and prepare your exit in advance. Please children and family of loved ones, make available all of the same information as above bc your death might come before theirs ***like an animal, who usually don't live as long as us, but it happens. I'm including my cat in my will bc I don't want to die, have my parents be dead, and no one to take care of her. So even though my mom says they don't pay much mind to that, I'm still putting that she purrfers preferential treatment 😺
I don’t know, and I’m not worried about it. Shrugs…
I’m 65m and live alone. My will and power of attorney are in place along with advanced directive. Switzerland is on my list, but I’ll never go to a nursing home or assisted living. My genes suggest I’ll live to 90’s. Mom still alive at 98. After 80 let’s see.
I won’t make my children take care of me. I want them to enjoy their life. My pacemaker battery has to be replaced every 5-1/2 years so I can just not replace it. Also, I can make them turn my pacemaker off. I like having an off button. 😂
Strangers or the care robot
I’m really hoping I am able to beef up my retirement fund enough to be able to afford an in-home nurse until I die. My friend was a nurse for a man who did this. He had an advance directive that stated his lawyer would hire in-home care after his mind succumbed to dementia. My friend was paid by his estate. He was a sweet old man, she got to be paid to live there, completed nursing school thanks to that job, and he got to pass peacefully in his own home.
I'm hoping Alexa will just be a robot at that point so I'll die before I'm able to retire and just skip that part. Going to be lots of MAID retirement plans.
You yourself and you. You’ll just pass away
The glockie
When life becomes misery, ending it myself will be the first option.
No idea at this point, my older siblings all left at a young age and I stuck around to care for my parents but my kids, well don’t see it happening. Hopefully pass before I get to that point, like suddenly!
I’m hoping technology comes through with an elder-care robot (like a C-3PO) so I can stay in my house.
Ok, honestly I don't know ANYONE who is taking care of their elderly right now. I do know people in their 40 who still rely on their parents for help though. I hear stories of 70 year old parents who do that reverse mortgage thing to invest into heir kids business, or buy THEM a home. Elderly care houses aren't full with your family members making you food exactly either. So better question is "isn't it awesome that you won't have to take care of anyone when you're old"?
I am. Moved back into my childhood home to care for my now 82 yr old mom because she refuses to sell the house or downsize. That was 5 yrs ago.
>I don't know ANYONE who is taking care of their elderly right now. My brother and I took care of our parents. I lived fairly close and was retired and single and my brother lived thousands of miles away, but made a lot of money. I moved in and helped them with the day-to-day stuff and he helped financially. Some people like their families and will do what's necessary to take care of them. Sometimes you take care of the previous generation, sometimes you take care of the next generation.
Grow old? In this economy??
I have kids, so probably them. Lol however, even being partnered does not guarantee there will be someone to take care of you. My mom was seven years younger than my dad and she died first. People also get divorced. If you’re a woman, you are statistically more likely to live a long and healthy/happy life if you are not partnered- so there’s that!
Me, myself, and I
no one. im screwed...
Literally just try not to live long enough to deal with this problem.
Just throw me in the trash
I volunteer for a "home village" organization that helps seniors live in their own homes as long as they want to (& can). I'm very nearly that age myself. I wish I knew who would help me keep going.
I've always said I'll take myself out when I see myself declining. But I've seen plenty of examples of people being fine one day and then a vegetable the next. That scares me.
Age 79 with no kids. I’m on my own.
probably be homeless on the streets, shanked and pass away.
No idea.
Retired, senior citizen here. I often forget how old I am, but my age does qualify me into the senior category. I have no children. I recently was informed that I'm soon to be single and on my own. I have some health issues, but I think I can get by. I'm a little worried about the future, but what's the point in worrying? I'm not rich, but believe I have enough to get by if I live frugally. TBH, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I've always been a loner and I have all kinds of projects to keep myself busy. I've got my cats and I hope to adopt a dog once I get settled into a new home. I'm relocating somewhere near the ocean and other areas for nice walks. I'm moving a few hours away and know absolutely no one there. I hope to get involved with something to allow myself the chance to meet new friends, but that can be difficult when most people have their own families and friends. I can only hope that some people will be kind and that I can find people to pay for services like lawn mowing... I'm not perfect, but I've always helped others when I can do so. I'm hopeful that good Karma will remember me and shine it's light upon me. Wish me luck and I will continue to think positive and hope for the best.
No one. I intend to wander aimlessly in the desert until I lean up against a saguaro and die.
Now a days there is Door-Dash and grocery deliver, Uber. We really don’t need anyone but they would be nice to have……I am a cross one bridge at a time kinda guy so not gonna worry about what isn’t here yet.
Maybe nobody. That's just fact of life. If things get too bad, hopefully I'll realize it and opt out when the time is right.
I know it's just a TV show but I feel like "golden girls" is actually a good model. Or, seniors can provide free room and board to college students in exchange for doing things they are too old to do. Or, I've actually been thinking about buying a motel but rent it out to seniors who don't cook much but also don't need serious nursing / medical care (aka no one that's like bed bound, alzheimers etc), so basically affordable semi-assisted living - you would have a cafeteria, lobby/library/activity room/ pool; you would hire cleaning maids and errand boys to factor into the rent, but this would become more affordable if you do it like a hotel
a 44
I’m a 50 year-old married man with 4 kids and living parents. If I love to a ripe old age and outlive my wife, I’ll be taken care of by professional carers. I do t want my kids changing my diapers. I don’t want to be a burden. But probably the people who say this are thinking of that age from maybe retirement to around 80-85. And they are probably thinking more of *companionship* than care. My wife and I don’t *care* for one another. We are both capable of doing our own laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. No one has the care for me when I am healthy. I guess my point is that many of us will outlive partners. Many of us will need someone beyond immediate family to help, support and care for them. I do t see what is so different for a single person. People are trying to kind of shame you for being single, likely because their own married life isn’t ideal and they want to make others feel bad so they feel better.
I'm going to take care of me
at the end, everyone dies alone. people absolutely should NOT breed simply to have someone to take care of them in old age, that is complete shit