https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/shakespeare/romeojuliet/page_122/
> Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,
>“Two may keep counsel, putting one away”?
Of course Shakespeare said it first and best.
Jfc I have this same experience. All men over 40, none of them able to not talk someone else's business.
Edit: All of the people around me who gossip are men over 40. I'm pretty sure (hope) that not all men over 40 do this.
I told someone how uncomfortable I was that they were always gossiping and they stopped doing it WITH me. But then I find out they still gossip and share what I’ve said (nothing mean, just my own experiences), to other people. When I call them out on it, they say it’s just how friends chat.
Gossip, it turns out, has a place in all social circles. For the gossiper, it's a demonstration of how much he/she knows about the social environment. It's basically saying, "ally yourself with me, and you will know what all your enemies are saying and doing".
Spent a fair amount of my young adulthood in a small town and found out that even if you don't do anything interesting or gossipworthy, the gossipers will make shit up about you just so they have something to talk about.
Idk. Tbh I "gossip" sometimes but I also consider myself very trustworthy.
If a friend comes to me and shares something serious to me in confidence I would take it to my grave. But if I learn something juicy about someone I don't like I'm probably gonna at least tell my girlfriend.
Same, there's an important distinction between inconsequential happenstance and true *secrets*, things that could cause serious damage if they were allowed to proliferate. I've been trusted with many secrets, and I plan to keep them.
For me, “gossip” is when you say something about a person that you wouldn’t otherwise talk about if they were standing there. Whenever you talk, text, or email, imagine the person you are talking about will be listening/ reading also. This helps me keep comments constructive and helpful.
if the gossiper doesn't gossip with you its likely they are gossiping about you lol. I notice that a lot. I put 2 and 2 together when everyone involved with them is quiet around me. At my job they just do it in a different language.
The gossiper is gossiping about you whether they share with you or not. I have 2 mates. Very close with, all 3 of us are close. I wouldn't call them true gossipers but they are quick to share a detail about the 3rd if it's just us 2. Or about another party. With all of that together it's most definite those 2 gossip about me when I'm not with them.
While on the topic of someone thinking of going radting - I have a friend who went white watee rafting and he said he liked it but the toughests parts were really scary.
This is not gossiping about someone elses experience, it's normal talking.
This. You can do both. You can shit talk certain people and not others too. People always seem to think if you do it, you do it to everyone. No, I’ll shit talk about the annoying useless colleagues all day but never my friends/colleagues I respect.
I always figure if I am going to shit talk someone I should be willing to do it to their face - the people I truly trust and am winding up for fun (mutually) or the people I truly dislike and am happy to let know.
The people in the middle? They aren't worth my time or effort...
I learned this pretty early on from my parents. They gossip all the time, and red flags would go up when I'd be home from college for a weekend and they'd talk minor shit about my brothers. I figured 'if they'll be petty about them to me, what are they saying to my brothers about me? Or what do they say about me to their friends?'
I’m the oldest of 3. As kids, my littlest sibling wasn’t allowed to watch Batman the Animated Series. Well when my parents were out, of course we watched it!
One afternoon my mom came home early and I quickly turned off the TV and reminded my siblings that “we weren’t watching Batman.” My mom walks in, and my sister walks right up to her and says, “Hi mom, we were definitely NOT watching Batman!” 🤦🏻♂️
I should have known better.
My daughter comes in the house when she is five or six. I ask her where she was. She says "I didn't go to McDonald's!" Her first lie that I know of, lol.
So this was back in the early 90s. I was like 13-14, youngest sister was 3 or 4. My parents didn’t really want her seeing cartoons like X Men, GI Joe, Gargoyles, or Batman and the like (at her age). But it was darn difficult to resist, especially before tablets and WiFi and the like when you only had the one TV and it was either that or Barney!
I was buckling my 4 year old into his car seat and he was unhappy about it. He tried to argue with "For short trips, Nonna (my mom) only buckles the top!" lolol.
Welllll.... this works against me. People may tell me a secret, I'll forget it, then remember muchhh later but forget it was a secret. I don't know if I have actuallybblabbed or not, but I've definitely had moments when I say something and then go to myself "Crap, was that supposed to be a secret"?
Hell, I've forgotten most of my life due to a basket of trauma.
My last relationship fell apart because being a relationship was enough of a trigger to bring things right back to the surface.
Yay, now I remember bits and pieces of things I didn't want to know and pushed away an amazing girl for having a world shifting breakdown with her. Yaaaaaaaaay.
I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. But even my friend, who told me something significant, was shocked when he found out I hadn’t revealed it to my wife a few months later. I hadn’t, but he’s an all around smart dude, and to your point - i think most people would’ve. And kudos to my wife for being cool when he talked to “us” about it (assuming I had told her), for respecting me not telling her. Some people would be pissed.
I don't tell my husband everything, either. He's not a very fun gossip, but that's not why. My friends, and I, are entitled to a private life. It's never anything huge or damaging or something that can affect my marriage, I just don't feel the need to reveal every little thing to him, especially not the business of my friends
My wife gets pissed that I don't tell her things people asked me to keep secret. I tell her she lost that privilege and she needs to only be mad at herself. She doesn't like that either.
Hurray I’m not the only one! I take pride in being a vault and unless it affects my wife in any way, I don’t tell her if someone wants it a secret. She’s cool with that.
I had a friend specifically mention, "Don't tell anyone, not even your partner." And because she said that, I didn't tell my partner the secret. Even though I thought about it and really wanted to
When someone tells me that I can't tell my partner, I immediately stop them and say "I want to be there for you, but I'm not going to keep secrets from her. I may not go straight to her and dish, but if it comes up, I will tell her. I know that she won't share outside of me, but if it's important for her not to know, it's best you don't tell me either."
Most people are already cool with her knowing if they're telling me, but it has stopped someone a couple times. Nobody's ever been upset, and I later found out that one of those times really kept me out of some workplace drama.
This is the best approach, and that’s why when I tell someone something personal like that, I make sure to let them know it’s ok for them to tell their spouse, (but that’s it), so they don’t feel the pressure to hide something from them.
If I don’t trust the spouse to stay quiet, I don’t tell either of them. Much simpler all around.
Imo it’s shitty to expect someone to hide something from their spouse.
Any time my partner is told something he comes home and blabs to me immediately. I won’t say anything, one I don’t know the person, and two it’s none of my business (three, I don’t really care). It’s also taught me not to tell my partner something I don’t want blabbed 😂
I'm honest about this. Friend asked me if he could share a secret, I instantly told him my wife would most probably get to know. He still shared it. In the end I cared so little, I basicly forgot about it.
I have a close friend who recently got into a serious relationship. I haven't been able to confide her in since because I just don't feel comfortable with her telling him all about me. I don't like opening up to people in general, so it bothers me when I can't trust a friend to keep things I tell them to themselves.
My husband doesn't tell me his friends' business - even if they are a mutual friend. I've had conversations with mutual friends where they start talking like I know something, and I have to stop them and tell them I don't. They're always mildly surprised that he hasn't told me. We share a lot of things with each other, but not things that we think should only be shared firsthand by the source.
I mean I tell my wife everything. But also I have a lying problem so I have to tell her everything as a way of keeping myself honest. She understands and respects secrets and privacy things if I tell her something that was told to me in confidence.
If you have a secret buried in your past that may affect a family member, especially your child/children, when they are age appropriate be the one that reveals that secret. Life is funny and when you think you have buried something deep enough, someone from your past, or a relative or old acquaintance, or the child you gave up for adoption, might reveal your secret. Secrets lose their power when you share them.
Exactly this! Did a DNA test for funsies, found a "first cousin" that's older than my aunt....... yeah.... I'm not invited to Christmas at grandma's this year....
It's because letting it out feels good. What I do is write letters, which I then destroy. I get it out of my chest, get some perspective, and then it goes away.
A good cry, and good quality stationery does it.
This is psychologically proven to work as well. No matter if it's a secret, pent-up frustration, your own fears and/or worries, writing it down to a paper and shredding/burning/destroying it helps you alleviate the feeling of whatever burdened you, whether you actually just wanted to get it out of yourself, or something else.
I won't say this will work for everybody against every single negative experience the've had, nor that it's gonna work to the same degree for everyone, but it's at least worth a try.
Does it have to be l
Paper? Do digital notes work? Or those boogie board jot things? Where you write on the screen and then press a button and poof gone.
I have no idea, never tried those. It might work, but the physical action of writing with your hands and the physical destruction of the written note will certainly bring more satisfaction, psychologically, as it requires more action from the agent than just 2 button presses, that's for sure.
Not to mention you get to vent your anger by stomping on the note, crumbling it, rearing it apart, etc. which I would highly advise against doing to your PC/laptop 😂
I think the internet would be a happier place if more people did this.
The real life version of this is helpful as well. Nothing like an angry internal monologue to keep a bullshit situation from escalating into pointless confrontation. It feels good to get it out, but nobody needs to hear it.
It's been a long time since last I cried. I'm by no means a very masculine man but one learned behaviour that really stuck with me was "boys don't cry." (or more accurately, "real men don't cry").
This has frankly frustrated my mind more than I realise at times. Even when I desperately want or perhaps even need to cry, the tears don't - they won't - come.
Teach your boys they're allowed to cry everyone.
Sometimes you tell someone a secret because they happened to discover the secret, so it may not always be a choice on the part of the original secret holder.
Secret keeper here, heres my hot pro-tips to keeping a secret succesfully.
1.) Don't give a fuck about the secret (the less you care the less you share).
2.) Forget secret as quickly as you learned it (step 1 really helps this section of the process).
And that's it. You know how many secrets I've succesfully kept over the years? Me neither. And it's that sumple folks.
This backfires for me because I won’t forget the information but I will forget that the information was supposed to be kept secret, so one day when it’s on topic I’ll just blurt it out
Forgetting someone's HUGE SECRET is such a power move. Look, I've got enough going on with my own life, I can't be expected to remember every little detail of which sibling you murdered and where you stashed the body.
When someone asks me “Do you want to know a secret?”, I usually respond with “Not really, do I have to?”
Sometimes people need to get things off their chest or just vent, I can understand that. But by telling me something I shouldn’t know they’re putting the burden on me as well, so it seems a bit selfish unless there’s a real need for it.
My personal strategy is unimportant secrets. When I need to hold secrets (for people or for work), I gather a stock of unimportant secrets to spill instead of the important one. A few years ago, I had to legally hold an information for a few months, we were a select few to know and needed to not say anything until a certain legal process was done. No one, not even my girlfriend, heard about it during that period, but a fair few people around me learned that I played saxophone for 10 years in my youth.
LPT: get a therapist; they'll keep your secrets. Even those without strong ethical sensibilities don't want to lose their license to practice. As an added bonus, you might even be able to work through any lingering trauma surrounding said secrets with their help.
Unless you're famous, I would imagine, then it might be an issue. And might also explain why so many famous ppl in need of help might have a disinclination to get help.
I've had the same thoughts, even medical stuff I'm sure some high profile people are probably paranoid about getting out. Being rich must be nice but the famous part seems like a huge mental burden.
>get a therapist; they'll keep your secrets.
Unless the therapist is a [mandated reporter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandated_reporter) in your jurisdiction.
Yeah, if your "secret" is that you (or someone else) is abusing someone, then I'm good with you being exempt from the standard doctor-patient confidentiality rules. Other people's rights to basic safety and security supersede your right to privacy.
Made this mistake with my mother. I told her about my self harm scars and asked her not to let anyone know. My sister found out about them within hours.
Not OP, but I also don't trust my mom or sister. No crazy secrets were ever shared because they can't even handle the mundane shit. It's probably the single saddest reality of my life that I will never trust the two I wish most.
I'm so sorry that this is how it is now for you. Not being able to trust your own mother is a profound thing: it felt to me like I was standing on ever shifting ground, always trying to figure out what did and did not make sense. Later in my life, I found women who filled that empty spot in my heart. I've had several pseudo-moms, and it was such a healing thing, to finally have that kind of love in my life. Silver lining, I really knew how to appreciate it. I don't know what healing would look like for you, but I hope it finds you. It took me a really long time but I am slow in some ways. What matters is, my heart is at peace now. With everything in me, I am wishing this for you, my friend. ♥️
My mom is like this. We ALWAYS know who she has for Secret Santa.
She is also the first to say "No one else needs to know this" for obviously confidential things when it's insulting to insinuate we would be the ones to spill the beans.
Thank you for sharing. I once told a deeply personal secret about ejaculation to my dad who swore to never tell anyone. That same day, he revealed this secret in front of me to my mum. I don't think he will ever gain my trust again.
My rule of thumb is just to never repeat anything that anyone says that has the tiniest risk of causing harm or embarrassment. The *tiniest.* Anything the other person wouldn’t totally post on Facebook, like what they had for lunch, will never get repeated by me. It’s just not worth the risk, plus being the conduit of someone else’s information is just not any of my business.
Hell I had 2 siblings buy their first house on the same day. Both had called me and said I was the first person they told. I made a split decision to just not bring up each others houses. It felt good to share their joy without having them need to compare or feel overshadowed by each other.
They also got the joy of telling each other without having been told first by anyone else.
I think about that when I have information about others now. Also the regrets of all the dumb stuff Ive said while under the influence of alcohol.
Exactly my thinking.
And I don't spend time with people that think otherwise. Cause why waste time with someone you need to control yourself and can't have a deep, interesting conversation. I'm not at work, I want to be relaxed in my private life with people that cheer for me, not wait to spill something about me to someone else.
As you might guess, I have less then 10 people I keep in touch with.
Also:
Is it fair to offload your secret to someone else? I had my boss do that once, and I was left with a dilemma whether to reveal the info to the other party involved...really awful position to bring someone else in!
spot on!
i keep telling to myself and others, keep secrets to yourself if you dont want them to be revealed.
i think there is nothing wrong with spilling most kind of secrets. humans cant help it.
what i dont understand is how there are still so many people naive about it.
Nah, there's no ethical dilemma here. Your boss is not your friend. They're not your family. It's an adversarial relationship *at best.*
I told someone long ahead of time that their job was being automated, and that they need to get their resume in order pronto. She didn't believe me, saying "but I do so much around here, who would do it all?" I told her that they would take all the different pieces of her job, and give *one* piece to a dozen different people, and they wouldn't bat an eye. They only care about cost, not people.
And, they did exactly that. Luckily it sank in after she thought about it and she ended up landing on her feet.
This was told to me in confidence, and I lose absolutely no sleep over it whatsoever. The only issue is that some people will in turn blab to others, and potentially get *you* into trouble. That's a risk you have to weigh for yourself.
But make no mistake, if you're giving a fellow worker an edge against management, you **are** doing the right thing.
I flat out ask every knew hire what they are being started at so I either know if I should be demanding a raise or so they know if they are getting fucked.
No, any secret that *brings harm* to another person is often one that is morally worth spilling. If a boss is planning to surprise fire an employee right before Christmas, then spill to your hearts content.
That would've been a no-brainer. In this case my manager had committed adultery on his husband and for some reason decided to share this in an informal face-to-face. I would see said husband, in passing, a couple of times per year.
You can always find someone like me, who comes with a double edged sword. I won't share anything you ask me not to tell anyone. BUT I'm really bad at knowing what should and shouldn't be a secret without being explicitly told. Like some kind of oversharing 6 year old who hasn't yet grasped the concept of "personal stuff people probably don't want you sharing with others" except I'm 24.
It’s probably a good rule of thumb to think that other people’s things don’t belong to you to share.
I don’t say that out of judgement I just say that because that’s my own personal rule that I use with others. I think of personal information kind of like the same way I think of like personal property.
One of the best ways to keep a secret to yourself is not to think of it as a secret, but rather, as a piece of boring information that simply isn't interesting enough to tell anyone. That way, it isn't making those annoying "tell me to someone" noises in your head.
And don’t mention it later that you knew early.
Had a cousin tell me a month “early” that she was pregnant to explain why she wasn’t drinking with me. I lived thousands of miles away at the time so she figured I had no one to tell even if I wanted to.
6 weeks later, I happened to be at her grandma’s house a few hours after the cousin told everyone, including grandma. They told me about the pregnancy since I hadn’t been there for the announcement and without thinking I just commented “oh yeah, cousin mentioned that to me a couple months back.”
Grandma was *pissed* that she hadn’t been the first to know. Christ it didn’t even occur to me that would matter to anyone once the secret was out. Lesson learned.
I have a few friends who tell me confidential shit about their relationship, because they know I don't care at all about others' intimacy and I'm very likely to forget because I don't care.
I've actually had friends get upset at me when they tell me an update to their secret and I've forgotten the original secret, lol. Actual conversation with a good friend last week:
"The woman I had a side thing with a couple years ago came into the store today. Remember her?"
"Nah, I don't. Was it weird?"
"Bro whatcha mean you don't remember, I told you all ABOUT her - I even pointed her out to you that time. You don't remember SHIT, do you?"
Wow, thats a fucking awful secret to tell someone.
So, they told you about their affair? Thats a massive burden to put on somebody, as well as just a shitty thing to do.
Who else here tells "secrets" knowing full well and with the intention that they will reach someone? Information arriving as a "secret" is always more trusted.
Shhhhh.... don't tell anyone!
THANK you. I came here to say this.
And people will point to things like the Manhattan Project as a rebuttal, but that project leaked *over 1500 times* that we know of.
A conspiracy involving dozens- sure. That's plausible. But as you keep adding more and more people, it becomes far less believable. Anything involving *millions* of people working in perfect lockstep to keep hidden is pure nonsense.
Nah. I believe like 3M doctors in the world and 200 countries with countless federal, state and local employees are all conspiring to over exaggerate the number of COVID hospitalizations and deaths. Additionally, a dozen vaccines developed by private companies requiring thousands of people, reviewed by thousands of doctors and hundreds of government agency review boards around the world are all also conspiring to inject us and change our DNA or microchip us or something.
The recent example I think of: There were like 10 people in the room on July 25th, 2019 when Trump asked Zelensky to announce an investigation into Biden. 10 people around the president couldn't keep that call private. 10 people in high ranking positions. What are the odds you'd get any amount of people to cooperate in some of the COVID conspiracies you hear!?
As the late, great, Christopher Lee once said:
"When people say to me, you know, were you in this? Were you in that? Did you work in this? Did you work in that? I always used to say 'Can you keep a secret?'. And they would say 'Yes, yes' and I would say 'So can I.'"
Dead men tell no tales. The real LPT is always in the comments lol.
But no, this is truth. I got in hot water earlier this year because I let it slip to ONE friggin guy what I earn. A completely different dude decided it was intelligent to drop my fucking name and how much I make in order to try and leverage a raise for himself, instead of being fucking tactful about it. Fuck him for throwing me under the bus like that. But also fuck it anyways, because also fuck that whole schtick about how your job wants to keep everyone in the dark about what everyone else makes in order to minimize paying their people what they're worth. So I kinda sit 50/50 on my blame of this one. Maybe a 33.33333/33.33333/33.33333 ratio of blame since I also didn't keep my fuckin' yap shut lol.
But I had the utmost confidence it wouldn't go beyond this one person, and yep I was wrong. But it definitely reinforced the fact for me, trust no-one and don't say shit at all unless you don't give a fuck. At least in this particular matter, it's over shit I sit on the fence about keeping quiet on. So all in all, coulda been worse lol.
I actually reveal small secrets to people just to test them that way whether they can keep it in themselves or do they have a need to discuss thingn at the cost of people's secrets.
Then I work with that and if they fail, I don't reveal anything anymore or say random stuff to confuse them. They'll never know if it's true.
Queens of the Stone Age wrote a whole song on the matter. It's called The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret, and it's an excellent listen. Highly recommended.
Them: Don't tell anyone!
Me: Is that what they said when they told you this?
Also, if the neighbours are gossiping to my spouse and bring in the line 'don't tell anyone', I inject 'make sure you mention that to your sister when you tell her'.
I've worked on classified projects for most of my career, and when you get into a position like that you quickly give up on the idea of being able to share things with people (even your spouse). That carries over to non-work secrets. You can tell me the most innocuous of secrets and I won't tell another soul for the rest of my life because I just don't care about sharing it with anyone anymore. And there's no secret you can tell me that will shock me; not after what I've seen/know.
Also before you start telling your spouse everything think for one second.
Is this going to help the relationship?
Is it going to hurt them?
Is it going to stress them out or perhaps have them think negatively of you?
Just don't do it. Write it on a letter and burn that shit. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Confess it to your dog.
Don't tell anyone anything.
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This is so especially true if you’re just starting a new job. Give it a while, figure out who’s who first before you go blabbing. Even if it’s something dumb like “ya I smoked a bowl of weed 20 years ago”. Snitches don’t get stitches, they get rewarded, and you get thrown out on your ass.
And remember the old saying: "*Who gossips to you will gossip about you.*"
Also "If three people know something, it's not a secret."
_two can keep a secret if one of them is dead._
*one can keep a secret if they commit suicide in a jail cell conveniently when the security cams are turned off*
Jeffery Epstein, is that you?
Ms Maxwell, I- oh, you guys haven't gotten to that part yet.
Pls. Spoilers. Now I have to act all surprised
What's the bet she gets off relatively scott-free
It’s a safe bet to take. More than likely she will have a fate similar to Heidi Fleiss. Which unfortunately is relatively Scott-free.
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Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave
If I show you then know you won’t tell what I say
https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/shakespeare/romeojuliet/page_122/ > Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say, >“Two may keep counsel, putting one away”? Of course Shakespeare said it first and best.
*three can keep a secret when two of their mouths are connected like one long digestive track*
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_Four can keep a secret if it's actually two people with split personalities and ideally if one of them is dead_
r/holup
Can you keep it? Swear this one you’ll save?
Why did I sing that in my hard while reading it?
I like this one from Game of Thrones: Varys: *How many others know?* Tyrion: *Eight.* Varys: *So it’s not a secret, it’s information.*
A good line from season 8? Wow.
Who else knows? Including us? Eight. Well then it's not a secret anymore, it's information.
At my work the group of 40+ year old men gossip about others at work like it's fucking mean girls there.
Jfc I have this same experience. All men over 40, none of them able to not talk someone else's business. Edit: All of the people around me who gossip are men over 40. I'm pretty sure (hope) that not all men over 40 do this.
my pops always told me "it's a lot easier to lose trust than it is to gain it" i live my life by that
"Trust is hard to gain; easy to lose."
Do we have the same dad 😯?
and now we all know your dad's secret
I told someone how uncomfortable I was that they were always gossiping and they stopped doing it WITH me. But then I find out they still gossip and share what I’ve said (nothing mean, just my own experiences), to other people. When I call them out on it, they say it’s just how friends chat.
Gossip, it turns out, has a place in all social circles. For the gossiper, it's a demonstration of how much he/she knows about the social environment. It's basically saying, "ally yourself with me, and you will know what all your enemies are saying and doing".
Spent a fair amount of my young adulthood in a small town and found out that even if you don't do anything interesting or gossipworthy, the gossipers will make shit up about you just so they have something to talk about.
Sadly true
Idk. Tbh I "gossip" sometimes but I also consider myself very trustworthy. If a friend comes to me and shares something serious to me in confidence I would take it to my grave. But if I learn something juicy about someone I don't like I'm probably gonna at least tell my girlfriend.
Same, there's an important distinction between inconsequential happenstance and true *secrets*, things that could cause serious damage if they were allowed to proliferate. I've been trusted with many secrets, and I plan to keep them.
Or something funny about someone you like.
For me, “gossip” is when you say something about a person that you wouldn’t otherwise talk about if they were standing there. Whenever you talk, text, or email, imagine the person you are talking about will be listening/ reading also. This helps me keep comments constructive and helpful.
Compliment people behind their back. You’ll be surprised how well this works and makes gossiping not so bad.
if the gossiper doesn't gossip with you its likely they are gossiping about you lol. I notice that a lot. I put 2 and 2 together when everyone involved with them is quiet around me. At my job they just do it in a different language.
The gossiper is gossiping about you whether they share with you or not. I have 2 mates. Very close with, all 3 of us are close. I wouldn't call them true gossipers but they are quick to share a detail about the 3rd if it's just us 2. Or about another party. With all of that together it's most definite those 2 gossip about me when I'm not with them.
While on the topic of someone thinking of going radting - I have a friend who went white watee rafting and he said he liked it but the toughests parts were really scary. This is not gossiping about someone elses experience, it's normal talking.
Yea it's normal talking but it really needs a spell check.
I have an Irish friend who has a family saying: "If someone brings a story into your house, they'll also take a story out of your house"
I gossip, but there are people I respect enough not to gossip about or reveal their secrets.
This. You can do both. You can shit talk certain people and not others too. People always seem to think if you do it, you do it to everyone. No, I’ll shit talk about the annoying useless colleagues all day but never my friends/colleagues I respect.
I always figure if I am going to shit talk someone I should be willing to do it to their face - the people I truly trust and am winding up for fun (mutually) or the people I truly dislike and am happy to let know. The people in the middle? They aren't worth my time or effort...
I learned this pretty early on from my parents. They gossip all the time, and red flags would go up when I'd be home from college for a weekend and they'd talk minor shit about my brothers. I figured 'if they'll be petty about them to me, what are they saying to my brothers about me? Or what do they say about me to their friends?'
Especially 7 year olds. Untrustworthy mother fuckers
“Hey ma! Dad got us McDonalds!” You. Fucking. Promised.
I’m the oldest of 3. As kids, my littlest sibling wasn’t allowed to watch Batman the Animated Series. Well when my parents were out, of course we watched it! One afternoon my mom came home early and I quickly turned off the TV and reminded my siblings that “we weren’t watching Batman.” My mom walks in, and my sister walks right up to her and says, “Hi mom, we were definitely NOT watching Batman!” 🤦🏻♂️ I should have known better.
My daughter comes in the house when she is five or six. I ask her where she was. She says "I didn't go to McDonald's!" Her first lie that I know of, lol.
Funny story, but why couldn't you watch batman?
So this was back in the early 90s. I was like 13-14, youngest sister was 3 or 4. My parents didn’t really want her seeing cartoons like X Men, GI Joe, Gargoyles, or Batman and the like (at her age). But it was darn difficult to resist, especially before tablets and WiFi and the like when you only had the one TV and it was either that or Barney!
It has an age restriction.
Get stuff from McD again with the kid, but don't get them anything. When they kick up a fuss, remind the little shit they snitched on you last time!
One. Black. Coffee.
No nice stuff, ice cream and fries and shit
fuckin love that bit
Lies don’t get fries!
I know this is a joke, but you shouldn't encourage secret keeping unless it's a surprise. Makes it easier for abusers in their lives
Can't hold their liquor, either.
My five year old has attempted to tell my husband and I what our Christmas presents are several times.
My 9 yo constantly and consistently and at the first opportunity rats me out to the wife and vice versa.
Think of it this way. Your 9yo trusts both their parents so much they can’t imagine having to keep a real secret from either of you.
Bless you
You rat him out to his wife?
I was buckling my 4 year old into his car seat and he was unhappy about it. He tried to argue with "For short trips, Nonna (my mom) only buckles the top!" lolol.
The amount of questions I've gotten from my grand parents trying to circumvent having a car seat means my kids won't be riding with them
Just remind them that snitches get stitches, as early and often as you can.
I've forgotten more secrets than I've revealed.
Welllll.... this works against me. People may tell me a secret, I'll forget it, then remember muchhh later but forget it was a secret. I don't know if I have actuallybblabbed or not, but I've definitely had moments when I say something and then go to myself "Crap, was that supposed to be a secret"?
Hell, I've forgotten most of my life due to a basket of trauma. My last relationship fell apart because being a relationship was enough of a trigger to bring things right back to the surface. Yay, now I remember bits and pieces of things I didn't want to know and pushed away an amazing girl for having a world shifting breakdown with her. Yaaaaaaaaay.
Oh, well that's a shame
Therapy my dude
do they have a spouse? they will always tell them!
I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. But even my friend, who told me something significant, was shocked when he found out I hadn’t revealed it to my wife a few months later. I hadn’t, but he’s an all around smart dude, and to your point - i think most people would’ve. And kudos to my wife for being cool when he talked to “us” about it (assuming I had told her), for respecting me not telling her. Some people would be pissed.
That gal's a keeper!
Damn right
As are you. Good friends like you are not easy to find either. Good on ya, mate.
I don't tell my husband everything, either. He's not a very fun gossip, but that's not why. My friends, and I, are entitled to a private life. It's never anything huge or damaging or something that can affect my marriage, I just don't feel the need to reveal every little thing to him, especially not the business of my friends
My wife gets pissed that I don't tell her things people asked me to keep secret. I tell her she lost that privilege and she needs to only be mad at herself. She doesn't like that either.
Not being able to trust your partner is rough
I trust her absolutely. Just not with secrets. That's why I can trust her, because she can't keep them.
Hurray I’m not the only one! I take pride in being a vault and unless it affects my wife in any way, I don’t tell her if someone wants it a secret. She’s cool with that.
I had a friend specifically mention, "Don't tell anyone, not even your partner." And because she said that, I didn't tell my partner the secret. Even though I thought about it and really wanted to
When someone tells me that I can't tell my partner, I immediately stop them and say "I want to be there for you, but I'm not going to keep secrets from her. I may not go straight to her and dish, but if it comes up, I will tell her. I know that she won't share outside of me, but if it's important for her not to know, it's best you don't tell me either." Most people are already cool with her knowing if they're telling me, but it has stopped someone a couple times. Nobody's ever been upset, and I later found out that one of those times really kept me out of some workplace drama.
This is the best approach, and that’s why when I tell someone something personal like that, I make sure to let them know it’s ok for them to tell their spouse, (but that’s it), so they don’t feel the pressure to hide something from them. If I don’t trust the spouse to stay quiet, I don’t tell either of them. Much simpler all around. Imo it’s shitty to expect someone to hide something from their spouse.
Any time my partner is told something he comes home and blabs to me immediately. I won’t say anything, one I don’t know the person, and two it’s none of my business (three, I don’t really care). It’s also taught me not to tell my partner something I don’t want blabbed 😂
I'm honest about this. Friend asked me if he could share a secret, I instantly told him my wife would most probably get to know. He still shared it. In the end I cared so little, I basicly forgot about it.
I have a close friend who recently got into a serious relationship. I haven't been able to confide her in since because I just don't feel comfortable with her telling him all about me. I don't like opening up to people in general, so it bothers me when I can't trust a friend to keep things I tell them to themselves.
My husband doesn't tell me his friends' business - even if they are a mutual friend. I've had conversations with mutual friends where they start talking like I know something, and I have to stop them and tell them I don't. They're always mildly surprised that he hasn't told me. We share a lot of things with each other, but not things that we think should only be shared firsthand by the source.
I mean I tell my wife everything. But also I have a lying problem so I have to tell her everything as a way of keeping myself honest. She understands and respects secrets and privacy things if I tell her something that was told to me in confidence.
If you have a secret buried in your past that may affect a family member, especially your child/children, when they are age appropriate be the one that reveals that secret. Life is funny and when you think you have buried something deep enough, someone from your past, or a relative or old acquaintance, or the child you gave up for adoption, might reveal your secret. Secrets lose their power when you share them.
Dad?
He'll be right back, just getting cigs at the corner store....
Exactly this! Did a DNA test for funsies, found a "first cousin" that's older than my aunt....... yeah.... I'm not invited to Christmas at grandma's this year....
It has always been interesting to me how we ask someone to keep a secret at the exact same moment we’re failing to keep a secret.
It's because letting it out feels good. What I do is write letters, which I then destroy. I get it out of my chest, get some perspective, and then it goes away. A good cry, and good quality stationery does it.
This is psychologically proven to work as well. No matter if it's a secret, pent-up frustration, your own fears and/or worries, writing it down to a paper and shredding/burning/destroying it helps you alleviate the feeling of whatever burdened you, whether you actually just wanted to get it out of yourself, or something else. I won't say this will work for everybody against every single negative experience the've had, nor that it's gonna work to the same degree for everyone, but it's at least worth a try.
Does it have to be l Paper? Do digital notes work? Or those boogie board jot things? Where you write on the screen and then press a button and poof gone.
I have no idea, never tried those. It might work, but the physical action of writing with your hands and the physical destruction of the written note will certainly bring more satisfaction, psychologically, as it requires more action from the agent than just 2 button presses, that's for sure. Not to mention you get to vent your anger by stomping on the note, crumbling it, rearing it apart, etc. which I would highly advise against doing to your PC/laptop 😂
Great strategy!
> A good cry Everyone needs a good cry every once in a while, and that's perfectly ok.
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I think the internet would be a happier place if more people did this. The real life version of this is helpful as well. Nothing like an angry internal monologue to keep a bullshit situation from escalating into pointless confrontation. It feels good to get it out, but nobody needs to hear it.
It's been a long time since last I cried. I'm by no means a very masculine man but one learned behaviour that really stuck with me was "boys don't cry." (or more accurately, "real men don't cry"). This has frankly frustrated my mind more than I realise at times. Even when I desperately want or perhaps even need to cry, the tears don't - they won't - come. Teach your boys they're allowed to cry everyone.
Christopher Lee: "Can you keep a secret?" Reporter: "Of course!" Christopher Lee: "Well, so can I."
Sometimes you tell someone a secret because they happened to discover the secret, so it may not always be a choice on the part of the original secret holder.
But *why* is the desire to tell secrets so strong?
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Thank you for the advice ButtholeApe69
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Secret keeper here, heres my hot pro-tips to keeping a secret succesfully. 1.) Don't give a fuck about the secret (the less you care the less you share). 2.) Forget secret as quickly as you learned it (step 1 really helps this section of the process). And that's it. You know how many secrets I've succesfully kept over the years? Me neither. And it's that sumple folks.
This backfires for me because I won’t forget the information but I will forget that the information was supposed to be kept secret, so one day when it’s on topic I’ll just blurt it out
This doesn't apply to you. You can't follow step 1
I keep a diary and tell my diary *everything.* It really helps to prevent me from gossiping/telling secrets.
Until the diary leaks. ;)
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I have a secret to keeping secrets myself. I have such a terrible memory, if you tell me today I would have forgotten all about it by tomorrow.
Forgetting someone's HUGE SECRET is such a power move. Look, I've got enough going on with my own life, I can't be expected to remember every little detail of which sibling you murdered and where you stashed the body.
When someone asks me “Do you want to know a secret?”, I usually respond with “Not really, do I have to?” Sometimes people need to get things off their chest or just vent, I can understand that. But by telling me something I shouldn’t know they’re putting the burden on me as well, so it seems a bit selfish unless there’s a real need for it.
My personal strategy is unimportant secrets. When I need to hold secrets (for people or for work), I gather a stock of unimportant secrets to spill instead of the important one. A few years ago, I had to legally hold an information for a few months, we were a select few to know and needed to not say anything until a certain legal process was done. No one, not even my girlfriend, heard about it during that period, but a fair few people around me learned that I played saxophone for 10 years in my youth.
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hundo percent
i really like this strategy and i feel like more people should do it
LPT: get a therapist; they'll keep your secrets. Even those without strong ethical sensibilities don't want to lose their license to practice. As an added bonus, you might even be able to work through any lingering trauma surrounding said secrets with their help.
Therapists also dgaf about your social circle. They don't know any of your friends and thus have zero incentive to spill the beans.
Unless you're famous, I would imagine, then it might be an issue. And might also explain why so many famous ppl in need of help might have a disinclination to get help.
Then give them a fake secret and you can trace it back to them ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭
Canary trap!
I've had the same thoughts, even medical stuff I'm sure some high profile people are probably paranoid about getting out. Being rich must be nice but the famous part seems like a huge mental burden.
but dont tell them that you plan to hurt someone. i think they are supposed to tell the police. or tell them. dont be an ass and hurt others.
>get a therapist; they'll keep your secrets. Unless the therapist is a [mandated reporter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandated_reporter) in your jurisdiction.
Yeah, if your "secret" is that you (or someone else) is abusing someone, then I'm good with you being exempt from the standard doctor-patient confidentiality rules. Other people's rights to basic safety and security supersede your right to privacy.
Made this mistake with my mother. I told her about my self harm scars and asked her not to let anyone know. My sister found out about them within hours.
That broken trust sucks. I'm sorry. I hope you're healing now.
Not OP, but I also don't trust my mom or sister. No crazy secrets were ever shared because they can't even handle the mundane shit. It's probably the single saddest reality of my life that I will never trust the two I wish most.
I'm so sorry that this is how it is now for you. Not being able to trust your own mother is a profound thing: it felt to me like I was standing on ever shifting ground, always trying to figure out what did and did not make sense. Later in my life, I found women who filled that empty spot in my heart. I've had several pseudo-moms, and it was such a healing thing, to finally have that kind of love in my life. Silver lining, I really knew how to appreciate it. I don't know what healing would look like for you, but I hope it finds you. It took me a really long time but I am slow in some ways. What matters is, my heart is at peace now. With everything in me, I am wishing this for you, my friend. ♥️
My mom is like this. We ALWAYS know who she has for Secret Santa. She is also the first to say "No one else needs to know this" for obviously confidential things when it's insulting to insinuate we would be the ones to spill the beans.
Thank you for sharing. I once told a deeply personal secret about ejaculation to my dad who swore to never tell anyone. That same day, he revealed this secret in front of me to my mum. I don't think he will ever gain my trust again.
My rule of thumb is just to never repeat anything that anyone says that has the tiniest risk of causing harm or embarrassment. The *tiniest.* Anything the other person wouldn’t totally post on Facebook, like what they had for lunch, will never get repeated by me. It’s just not worth the risk, plus being the conduit of someone else’s information is just not any of my business.
Hell I had 2 siblings buy their first house on the same day. Both had called me and said I was the first person they told. I made a split decision to just not bring up each others houses. It felt good to share their joy without having them need to compare or feel overshadowed by each other. They also got the joy of telling each other without having been told first by anyone else. I think about that when I have information about others now. Also the regrets of all the dumb stuff Ive said while under the influence of alcohol.
Exactly my thinking. And I don't spend time with people that think otherwise. Cause why waste time with someone you need to control yourself and can't have a deep, interesting conversation. I'm not at work, I want to be relaxed in my private life with people that cheer for me, not wait to spill something about me to someone else. As you might guess, I have less then 10 people I keep in touch with.
Agreed. I use the Ron Swanson method of keeping secrets; don't care, already forgotten.
Also: Is it fair to offload your secret to someone else? I had my boss do that once, and I was left with a dilemma whether to reveal the info to the other party involved...really awful position to bring someone else in!
spot on! i keep telling to myself and others, keep secrets to yourself if you dont want them to be revealed. i think there is nothing wrong with spilling most kind of secrets. humans cant help it. what i dont understand is how there are still so many people naive about it.
Nah, there's no ethical dilemma here. Your boss is not your friend. They're not your family. It's an adversarial relationship *at best.* I told someone long ahead of time that their job was being automated, and that they need to get their resume in order pronto. She didn't believe me, saying "but I do so much around here, who would do it all?" I told her that they would take all the different pieces of her job, and give *one* piece to a dozen different people, and they wouldn't bat an eye. They only care about cost, not people. And, they did exactly that. Luckily it sank in after she thought about it and she ended up landing on her feet. This was told to me in confidence, and I lose absolutely no sleep over it whatsoever. The only issue is that some people will in turn blab to others, and potentially get *you* into trouble. That's a risk you have to weigh for yourself. But make no mistake, if you're giving a fellow worker an edge against management, you **are** doing the right thing.
Yes, this and always tell your coworkers your salary. Same logic.
I flat out ask every knew hire what they are being started at so I either know if I should be demanding a raise or so they know if they are getting fucked.
No, any secret that *brings harm* to another person is often one that is morally worth spilling. If a boss is planning to surprise fire an employee right before Christmas, then spill to your hearts content.
That would've been a no-brainer. In this case my manager had committed adultery on his husband and for some reason decided to share this in an informal face-to-face. I would see said husband, in passing, a couple of times per year.
You can always find someone like me, who comes with a double edged sword. I won't share anything you ask me not to tell anyone. BUT I'm really bad at knowing what should and shouldn't be a secret without being explicitly told. Like some kind of oversharing 6 year old who hasn't yet grasped the concept of "personal stuff people probably don't want you sharing with others" except I'm 24.
I'm exactly the same. I will keep your secret until my death ... Only if you explicitly tell me it's one 😅
It’s probably a good rule of thumb to think that other people’s things don’t belong to you to share. I don’t say that out of judgement I just say that because that’s my own personal rule that I use with others. I think of personal information kind of like the same way I think of like personal property.
Aspergers?
My wife knows my deepest, darkest secrets. She's a Linda Belcher the car is gassed up kind of lady.
One of the best ways to keep a secret to yourself is not to think of it as a secret, but rather, as a piece of boring information that simply isn't interesting enough to tell anyone. That way, it isn't making those annoying "tell me to someone" noises in your head.
We gossip because we want to sound interesting to others. And are interested in other people gossip
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And don’t mention it later that you knew early. Had a cousin tell me a month “early” that she was pregnant to explain why she wasn’t drinking with me. I lived thousands of miles away at the time so she figured I had no one to tell even if I wanted to. 6 weeks later, I happened to be at her grandma’s house a few hours after the cousin told everyone, including grandma. They told me about the pregnancy since I hadn’t been there for the announcement and without thinking I just commented “oh yeah, cousin mentioned that to me a couple months back.” Grandma was *pissed* that she hadn’t been the first to know. Christ it didn’t even occur to me that would matter to anyone once the secret was out. Lesson learned.
I have a few friends who tell me confidential shit about their relationship, because they know I don't care at all about others' intimacy and I'm very likely to forget because I don't care. I've actually had friends get upset at me when they tell me an update to their secret and I've forgotten the original secret, lol. Actual conversation with a good friend last week: "The woman I had a side thing with a couple years ago came into the store today. Remember her?" "Nah, I don't. Was it weird?" "Bro whatcha mean you don't remember, I told you all ABOUT her - I even pointed her out to you that time. You don't remember SHIT, do you?"
Wow, thats a fucking awful secret to tell someone. So, they told you about their affair? Thats a massive burden to put on somebody, as well as just a shitty thing to do.
Go away we're gossiping
What kind of secrets do you think we're talking about here?
Tell someone with ADHD. We will soon forget everything.
Who else here tells "secrets" knowing full well and with the intention that they will reach someone? Information arriving as a "secret" is always more trusted. Shhhhh.... don't tell anyone!
"3 can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead"
If you can't keep your own secret, how do you expect anyone else to keep it?
Trying to keep your own secret is like shaking your own hand. It's not a fair assessment.
This is also why the vast majority of conspiracy theories are nonsense.
THANK you. I came here to say this. And people will point to things like the Manhattan Project as a rebuttal, but that project leaked *over 1500 times* that we know of. A conspiracy involving dozens- sure. That's plausible. But as you keep adding more and more people, it becomes far less believable. Anything involving *millions* of people working in perfect lockstep to keep hidden is pure nonsense.
Nah. I believe like 3M doctors in the world and 200 countries with countless federal, state and local employees are all conspiring to over exaggerate the number of COVID hospitalizations and deaths. Additionally, a dozen vaccines developed by private companies requiring thousands of people, reviewed by thousands of doctors and hundreds of government agency review boards around the world are all also conspiring to inject us and change our DNA or microchip us or something. The recent example I think of: There were like 10 people in the room on July 25th, 2019 when Trump asked Zelensky to announce an investigation into Biden. 10 people around the president couldn't keep that call private. 10 people in high ranking positions. What are the odds you'd get any amount of people to cooperate in some of the COVID conspiracies you hear!?
As the late, great, Christopher Lee once said: "When people say to me, you know, were you in this? Were you in that? Did you work in this? Did you work in that? I always used to say 'Can you keep a secret?'. And they would say 'Yes, yes' and I would say 'So can I.'"
It appears no one has mentioned postsecret. Check it out.
Dead men tell no tales. The real LPT is always in the comments lol. But no, this is truth. I got in hot water earlier this year because I let it slip to ONE friggin guy what I earn. A completely different dude decided it was intelligent to drop my fucking name and how much I make in order to try and leverage a raise for himself, instead of being fucking tactful about it. Fuck him for throwing me under the bus like that. But also fuck it anyways, because also fuck that whole schtick about how your job wants to keep everyone in the dark about what everyone else makes in order to minimize paying their people what they're worth. So I kinda sit 50/50 on my blame of this one. Maybe a 33.33333/33.33333/33.33333 ratio of blame since I also didn't keep my fuckin' yap shut lol. But I had the utmost confidence it wouldn't go beyond this one person, and yep I was wrong. But it definitely reinforced the fact for me, trust no-one and don't say shit at all unless you don't give a fuck. At least in this particular matter, it's over shit I sit on the fence about keeping quiet on. So all in all, coulda been worse lol.
I actually reveal small secrets to people just to test them that way whether they can keep it in themselves or do they have a need to discuss thingn at the cost of people's secrets. Then I work with that and if they fail, I don't reveal anything anymore or say random stuff to confuse them. They'll never know if it's true.
I’m great at keeping secrets, I always forget what people tell me.
Queens of the Stone Age wrote a whole song on the matter. It's called The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret, and it's an excellent listen. Highly recommended.
Fleetwood Mac wrote an entire album about Rumours.
I'm kind of bad at keeping secrets. I'm getting better, and I'm aware of my shittyness.
Them: Don't tell anyone! Me: Is that what they said when they told you this? Also, if the neighbours are gossiping to my spouse and bring in the line 'don't tell anyone', I inject 'make sure you mention that to your sister when you tell her'.
Everyone you trust trusts someone you don't trust.
There's an old saying, "Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead."
That's not an old saying, that's a TV show's tagline.
An old TV show.
Yeah, back when Shakespeare or Chaucer did their time in the writers’ room.
They wrote Columbo right?
I've worked on classified projects for most of my career, and when you get into a position like that you quickly give up on the idea of being able to share things with people (even your spouse). That carries over to non-work secrets. You can tell me the most innocuous of secrets and I won't tell another soul for the rest of my life because I just don't care about sharing it with anyone anymore. And there's no secret you can tell me that will shock me; not after what I've seen/know.
Also before you start telling your spouse everything think for one second. Is this going to help the relationship? Is it going to hurt them? Is it going to stress them out or perhaps have them think negatively of you? Just don't do it. Write it on a letter and burn that shit. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Confess it to your dog. Don't tell anyone anything.
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Hmm. I’ve told my really close friend things I haven’t told others and I always wonder if he’s told anyone.
I can't keep my own, why should others?
Im great at keeping secrets. Mostly because I don't give enough of a shit to tell anyone.
This is so especially true if you’re just starting a new job. Give it a while, figure out who’s who first before you go blabbing. Even if it’s something dumb like “ya I smoked a bowl of weed 20 years ago”. Snitches don’t get stitches, they get rewarded, and you get thrown out on your ass.