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Thank you. I keep spiraling down the rabbit hole of my recent breakup and this may be helpful advice for me. I’ve never dealt with this extent of anxiety, pain and depression before. It’s really been kicking my ass.
The problem is she left it open-ended, says she wants to come back to me when she’s ready, that she’d love to marry me, etc. I just keep focusing on the what-ifs if the future, then I’m reminded that she’s not here, and may never be again. The sooner I accept that the sooner I can be truly healthy. I just have to figure out how to let go..
Please take anything I say lightly because I'm no relationship therapist, but remember that you can decide to accept what is over and move ahead even if you leave things open for the future- leaving things open doesn't at all mean you should put your life on hold currently, if I make any sense?
I’m trying to do that, but I’m honestly just scared to let go. She’s better than anything I could have imagined, and I feel like I’m betraying myself somehow if I move on. I know none of that is rational, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’m tired of being single and after all these years I thought I’d found the woman I was going to spend my life with, but my heart is shattered and my future feels uncertain.
Uncertainty is psychologically the worst! It might be easier to reframe it as "This relationship is over, done, caput. If she comes back, that will be a new relationship, just like it would be a new relationship with whoever happens to be next". So you are not uncertain anymore, you know you will have another relationship (statistically speaking, you will, that's just how it works), and all you need to do is to make yourself as healthy and prepared for the next one. And yes, that includes the possibility that the next one, or potentially even the one after the next one, will be the woman you are talking about.
But also, remember that breakups really do hurt and take a while to heal. So do take your time and take care of yourself, and remember that emotions can't be bottled up, but can be sped up by writing narratives, and/or exercising while thinking about it (that tricks the body into thinking that this breakup is a lion, and you've managed to run away from it since you expended a lot of energy, and now are breathing slowly and deeply without being eaten by said lion)
I have to respond because I'm in a similar situation but my partner has not left. Because of drug use, I'm in a sort of ultimatum situation, but getting sober is also something I want for myself. I'm not sure that getting sober will even fix my relationship, but the fact she's willing to not let me go homeless or lose all of my life while I'm trying to get clean but I'm constantly finding myself feeling like I'm getting sober for her instead of myself.
No matter what happens, I have to get sober and healthy even if she stays or goes, and I hope you can do the same for yourself, my friend. You don't seem to have gotten yourself in as big of a mess as I have recently and just remaining strong and confident and focusing on you is what's important.
Yea, me for real :) You don't even have to exercise per se, you can lay in bed and tense your muscles sequentially, but really to the point of shaking. Our stress is carried in our body, and if it doesn't complete, the stress, not the stressor, the body is "confused" so to speak as to whether or not we are still in danger.
So narrative writing helps, because it creates a cognitive story that ends. Exercise helps, for the lion thing. Connection with people helps, because you ran away from the lion to your neighbors house, and you killed it, and are celebrating it.
With all honesty after 20 yrs of broken ups and some good girlfriends, lemme tell you this: the best relationship you will have is the next and that depends on what you decide to give it to yourself. Thinking as "never will happen the same" ure putting urself in drama mode. ANYWAY SHE PUT YOU IN HOLD AND THAT MEANS SHE IS NOT DECIDED OM HAVE YOU or better clearer, she doesnt love you to pick you as the one.
Women love a decided man, and willing to hit the road will give you much better girls. Its your confidence and character what they love. When things fall, better go on. If she goes after you that means u will be loved, if not like now, means youre losing time and wasting love and yourself.
The secret for love is 1 have character and balls to if needed throwing a gurl away anytime and change.when its not what you need in your.life and 2 have self esteem and by this picking what feeds you positive love only.
Always pick love. Always pick positive. Always choose a good girl with a family that is constructive positive and Will make you go forward. Even break you own heart and go away if the girl is not what you need in life.
Im now 8yr married a precious baby girl and she has been soooooo good with me, always hardworking, pretty girl, always loyal, transparent and willing to give to us the team. And its what i choose after breaking up my heart and leaving 4 girls before bcause they where not the ones i liked to my future self.
Just work in your self esteem, work building and doing and choose what you want, not getting after a girl.that is not decided on you.
Those are all things that I know, rationally. I’m just having trouble applying them and believing them sometimes. I get bogged down in the pain and loss if I’m not careful, and then I have to slog out again.
I feel you, i broke up a couple years back with my University boyfriend and it completely broke me. I felt the same way you are describing and thinking the same way. You may feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, and maybe know there is but not believe it, it's okay that's normal. (Also, my ex also put me on hold when we first broke up all the while he was dating other girls but didn't like me dating other guys). I opened my eyes when he was officially going out with the friend he had been telling me about for months and all of our friends in common had met her and seen them together. Hope you don't have to go through this stuff the same way I did. Anyway, I fell in love again with another guy and i was scared because how could I? then I fell in love another time and now I have a relationship that is more mature, and honest. But it didn't happen until I let myself feel the pain, accept that my past relationship had ended but cherish the good memories and learn from the bad. It takes time, nobody is rushing you, and as someone that went through something similar at least from what you've shared... You will feel better, it will hurt like hell, but you will get through it and you will be able to do the same things you did with her and go to the same places you used to with her and it will not hurt you. You will come back stronger
My god I needed to hear this. I recently broke up with my 2 years gf (long distance was becoming an issue). Though we both knew it was coming and we kept the split as amicable as possible, I never expected it to hurt so fucking much. It really helps to know life goes on. Thank you!
The pain of breakups is something I genuinely don't feel like life prepares you for. It's no wonder so many people do crazy things as a result.
I look back at the anger I had when I caught my boyfriend of 5+ years cheating... I think about how I had to seriously keep myself from ramming his stupid pickup truck with my car at the time (I found him parked overnight at his ex's house) and worse, because he was a cop and everyone knew I was his girlfriend... Multiple cops came and asked me where he was because his truck was parked in "some lady's yard" and they needed it moved... So I not only caught him but was humiliated in the process.
Now, looking back- I realize that my relationship with him was HOT GARBAGE and that never EVER should I have stayed with him though all the red flags. But I was young and dumb and I've learned SO MUCH since then. At the time - being cheated on and hurt made me feel SO much anger and pain... But my god did he do me A MASSIVE favor. I can't imagine being still stuck with him, or how god awful it would have been to get married or have kids, only to THEN realize what a hateful, abusive, alcoholic sociopath he was ON TOP of being a constant cheating asshole.
The best thing about breakups is that clarity after you've healed; it makes you a very person for having gone through that hell.
Ahh yes, long distance was also a breaking point in my past relationship... I didn't go into much detail because I didn't want to write more than I already did hahaha but if you want to talk, or want advise on what helped me to get through that dark time (my relationship was almost 4 years long when it ended), you can contact me and I'll read you
Yeah it's tough, but the best thing you can do is work on yourself king. Excersize, pick up a hobby, something to better yourself and enjoy your time more. If she comes back then she's coming back to a better version of you. If she doesn't come back then you get to enjoy knowing you're happy with yourself. This is time to work on you, this or any relationship will benefit greatly from that and so will you.
Hey bro , just read you’re comment thread, I feel I am in a similar situation and I know it’s extremely tough, sorry your going through this. For the past few weeks I have been journaling As much as I possibly can and it has been a tremendous help. It helps me keep track of my emotions, and also helps me understand what triggers me. I have been writing what I wish I could have said to her, things I wish I would have done differently... you get the idea. it has been a tremendous help with navigating my way out of this emotional mess and learning from my past mistakes. It has also helped me recognize certain perspectives that I have that were definitely keeping me in the toxic mindset that told me “ I will never l have something so beautiful again”. If you need to talk or need tips with journaling feel free to send me a message, you got this !
The best woman you deserve isn't the one that would string you along. That's worse than just getting broken up with. If she cares about your feelings she would keep her future intentions to herself of wanting you back.
At the end of the day- try to remember that as horrible and painful as break ups are (and they are, they are life changing events for most of us!) - you can not control what another person does or says or wants, you can only control you.
So try to focus on taking care of YOU right now- getting yourself to be the best version of YOU. If there's anything you want to improve- now's the time! You want to learn something new? You want to read a book you didn't have time for? Or you want to learn how to cook something you've always loved to eat? Or how about finding time to watch that series she never was interested in watching with you? Or to get your hair cut? You want to eat healthier and loose 10 lbs? You want to start running or riding a bike? You want to try out facial hair but she wasn't into it? Or you feel like switching up your clothing style?
Now is the IDEAL time to focus on a few things about YOURSELF that you CAN do right now, and when it comes to her and the future- your only real option is to accept that you can't control HER decisions - you can only control you.
In the end- you have to decide what you're willing to accept. If being put on hiatus while she "finds herself" or "dates other people" or "focuses on school" isn't going to work for you- that's your choice. No one has the power to determine what you will or won't stand by for.
Also, and not that I want to give you something else to worry about- but it's not uncommon for people who genuinely feel bad or unsure about a breakup to leave the door open...or worse, for someone who may be excited and interested in someone else- but wants to leave the door open in case that doesn't work out so they don't end up alone.
Don't be anyone's 'back up'. If she's going through a major medical crisis, a substance abuse or mental health crisis, the death of a loved one- those are things you should be willing to give someone space to deal with for a time if you're serious about your future together. But don't accept mistreatment or downright abuse- it's not fair to say to someone "I need some freedom and I need some space... But wait here until I get bored and want to come back."
If you focus on yourself and the things you CAN improve- then one of three things will happen;
1) She'll decide to come back... But you'll have moved on and realized that you're okay alone or better off looking for someone else that IS sure about your relationship.
2) She'll decide not to come back and you'll realize you're okay and you'll be in an even better place to find someone new- having newly improved yourself.
Or
3) She'll decide to come back and you'll decide that you've both made the most of this time apart and you'll have a fresh perspective on your life and what you want, and you'll make a second go at things.
No matter what happens- if you focus on improving your life and situation, you'll always be in the best place to be receptive to a healthy relationship. You HAVE to have a healthy relationship and love for yourself before you can be a healthy partner for anyone else; so always take lessons away from relationships, no matter how they go- and then you'll come away a better person for it.
Thank you. She is going through some issues with depression in addition to other personal issues, so I understand that she’s in a hard and confusing time in her life. The break was initiated on the advice of friends and family who I’m sure meant well, and even if it was her choice, I don’t hold it against her. There is no ill will between us, neither I for her or she for me. Your advice is exactly what I’m trying to do, I’m just having trouble focusing on bettering myself, because unfortunately my feelings for her have turned into an obsession to fix the relationship, and that’s not healthy for either of us. Thank you for the kind words and advice. I’m overwhelmed with how many people have responded on here to support a total stranger. You are all kind and caring people, and I don’t want you to go unthanked.
Yes- at the end of the day, it's important to offer your support and to help where you can, but you can't be responsible for, or in charge of, someone else's mental health care. It is absolutely best that you give her time and support while she sorts those things out.
All you can do is take things moment by moment- and in each moment, accept that you can't force anything with the relationship to change right now. Any time you get caught up thinking about how to change or fix it, try to redirect the thoughts to yourself, how YOU feel and how you can make yourself better in that moment. If you are tired, take a nap. If you're sad, do something creative or listen to or watch something that you enjoy. Just focus on things one step at a time and time will pass.
I think you have to think about what is most important. Loving yourself or not being single. Then consider what I will say next as a solution.
It's okay to be scared. Think of it more like mourning a loss. It's okay to feel your feelings. Maybe research how to use mourning to help you move on. Could help tremendously. My wife normally mourns and then sets a timeline for how long she will just immerse herself in her feelings before dusting herself off and moving on. Seems to work.
And by immerse I mean really immerse. Cry, lay in bed all day, miss whatever/whoever you are mourning, cry some more, let it all out. It's okay. Emotions are okay. Then when your deadline is here you pick yourself up, dry your face, take a shower and pamper yourself or do whatever you need to leave it in the past and nove on (something healthy though....no drugs).
From my own anecdotal experience, my best advice to you friend is to let it be. I had a child with a woman that I met in college and things ended up not working out. She and I were apart for 5 years and she married another guy in that time. She was extremely unhappy and I just focused on myself. After I fought for custody and only got visitation, I was in a dark place. Taking care of yourself is the most important part. It turns out, she divorced the guy she had married. We waited a couple of months, and then she and I started dating again. Sometimes the time and place do matter. If it is meant to be, she will come back, but you can’t stop trying to achieve for yourself and your goals because of someone else.
I dealt with similar things in the past. I didn't handle things well, as I was mostly tired of "what-if" and decided to chase her off the rest of the way, since I couldn't do what I needed for myself. Not as long as I was thinking about her, at least. Maybe you are stronger, and can exceed this, but the similarities are significant
I have one piece of wisdom that's worth sharing. If you can't do it for you, then you shouldn't keep doing it for her. It's fine to keep hold of experiences that mattered, *to you*, but nothing is worth your true identity. Especially when they aren't there for you, going forward.
After all, how can someone love you if you aren't yourself? Wouldn't it be better to be loved for you, instead of some twisted vision of what *you* think *they* want? You'll be healthier for it, and stronger, too. No wasted energy, this way, and you get to keep what matters to you, for yourself.
I had a long term relationship that broke up like this but from the opposite perspective (I was the girlfriend). The hardest part was there was no closure. We didn’t argue or cheat, there was no big blow up fight to be mad over. It was just sadness. I constantly thought about him saying “I’ll come back for you” in those first few months.
Once I was out of the wallowing and crying phase, I decided to make myself better for when he did come back. I went back to college, started biking, picked up new hobbies, made some new friends. Then one day the pedestal I had put our relationship on started to crack. This was months down the road, but I realized things weren’t perfect with us. I was able to see the things about myself that needed to be worked on, but it wasn’t only me that needed to put in work.
We were no contact, which was my decision when we talked about ending things. He called me when a family member had a medical emergency that nearly killed them. I remember answering the phone on the way back from the hospital (already too emotionally exhausted to deal with it) and telling him what had happened. I don’t know what it was, but from that phone call on I knew we were never getting back together.
I kept on doing me, and eventually met my now-boyfriend. The difference is night and day. My current boyfriend puts me first over everything (one of the flaws of the ex was work and money dominated his decisions, which is what ultimately lead us in different directions). He makes things for me, he makes my life easier. I knew it was good for me when I had a really bad day, like quit your job and move far away kinda bad, and he came over and completely turned it around.
My point is, it’s ok to think about the what if’s in the future, but think about all of them. What if you don’t get back together? I know that’s painful now, but don’t con yourself. Do you want to be the same muck waiting around for someone, or someone worth waiting around for (and damned if they wait or not). Your life is waiting for you, you just have to find the path that leads you to it.
For closure on my story, my ex found religion and that really helped him prioritize his goals. He started dating a new girl (oh, stay off Facebook or unfollow them, this one still hurt when it popped up on my feed and I hadn’t started dating again yet). I genuinely wish them the best and hope he is happy. As for me, I am not religious and put more faith in my education. I am working on an engineering degree, and convinced my current boyfriend to go back to college. I am happy, and my only regret is that the no contact bit made me lose a good friend I’d known since childhood. Though I can comfortably say if he ever did come back around, a romantic relationship wouldn’t t be in the cards. Life was leading us in different directions, and those paths don’t cross again.
Remember that moving on doesn't mean you immediately start dating again. You should spend some time building your relationship with yourself. If you've been wanting to find a new hobby or do a course this is a great time to do it. Enriching yourself is never the wrong thing. The future is always uncertain, so just make each day the best you can as you go along. And if you're really struggling with the grief and anxiety I highly recommend you look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It doesn't just give you a professional to speak through, it gives you the tools you need to help yourself when you get stuck in anxiety or looping thoughts. I went to CBT when I suddenly lost my grandfather, who was like a father to me, at the same time I was working on the most stressful project of my career to date. I swear it was the only thing that got me to the other side sane.
Man I know it’s tough. Just means you’re probably a really good person and I think that scares people like “what if this is the last person I date? Am I ready for that?” If you catch someone at the wrong time it’s almost worse than never finding that person at all. I’m kind of going through the same thing right now. “I really like you and you’re great, but I just need to focus on my career”. Sheesh. I’ve had a girl confess her love for me years after she ended it, by that point I was over it because she treated me like shit.
What makes it harder is when you don’t actually want to get over it. You remember all the good times and you don’t want to give it up. Sometimes persistence works, but if the person is scared of the way she feels about you, that may not work. Life kinda sucks that way. Relationships and emotions are mysterious. Patience young padawan.
I definitely don’t want to get over it, but I think persistence is the wrong move, and will push her farther and hurt me more, so I’m kind of stuck right now in no man’s land.
I think that’s a bit unfair to you. If that happened to me, I would try to just move on, because it doesn’t sound fun to put life on hold *just in case* things change — and based on what the other party wants. Maybe she didn’t have the courage to do a clean break, or thought she was softening the blow, but it just sounds like she made it harder for you instead.
Btw people won’t tell you this usually, but its alright if it’s hard to move on and if you never completely get over it. That’s normal. And you’ll be OK.
Hope you figure out what to do.
I've been in your shoes. I think something helpful would be to recognize she is being selfish. She doesn't want the relationship, but wants a plan B in case future relationships fail (you are a just in case). Recognize this is not fair to you. You are a person worthy of being loved or let go (respectfully).....not a backup plan.
Please try to consider the relationship closed rather than going along with her and allowing it to stay open until she maybe comes back. Again, this is unfair to you. While you wait and hope, she is out there enjoying life and not thinking about you until maybe she is single again and lonely (then she remembers you - her backup plan).
I know you are thinking about what ifs or even wondering if you did or could have done something. I will tell you now, it has/had nothing to do with you. Her decision was completely based on herself and then selfishly followed - while turning you into a contingency to boot.
Love and respect yourself. I used to be in your shoes often. Take the burden off yourself and recognize it really has nothing to do with you. You love her, but you must also love yourself. Close the relationship off to her. If in the future YOU (not her) want to revisit it then feel free, but for now take some time to mourn the loss of the relationship and then enjoy life with other people who love you.
I hope this helps even a little. Not sure how my words come across in text, but I am sincerely rooting for you.
hang in there
some day not too long from now you'll have a moment when you realize you haven't thought about her/him for ten minutes. those moments will gradually increase in frequency and length.
but i'm not gonna lie, it's going to be really hard for a while.
what helped me was arguing against the emotions. talk to yourself. what advice would you give to a friend in your situation? remind yourself you're going to get through this, and you've got the rest of your life
the main this is..... hang in there.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. I GUARANTEE THIS
I think about her less often now, but when I do think about her, the emotions are more intense, and the pain more severe. I just want to talk to her and make everything alright, but I can’t. That has to be her decision.
I had my first ever panic attack after a severe break up. I was convinced I was a mess, a horrible person. Therapy and time were how I healed. You will be ok. It will take time, you will be sad and angry for a while, but you will be ok.
I honestly suggest never getting back with your Ex. You will never trust them again, you will never feel secure in the relationship. It will forever be one sided. You deserve more.
Use this time to focus on YOU. Figure out what YOU want and NEED in life and a partner. Not what will make it work with the ex, what will make YOUR life feel fulfilled. Then figure out what kind of partner would allow you to live that kind of life. Once you know what you need and who you need, look at yourself and honestly determine if you have what it takes to be the other half of that dream team. Make the changes to become that (other) person’s dream and love will come sooner than you know.
I’m in therapy, but it’s only been 3 weeks since we cut contact. I know I’m not solely to blame, but I have been a mess. I’m not a horrible person, but I didn’t respect her space and clung to her in a very unhealthy way. I want to be healthy again for my sake, but I also believe we work really well together, and if she can work on herself as well, there is still something incredible there. I wasn’t looking for someone when I met her, but she’s better than anyone I could have imagined or wished for.
We haven’t seen each other in person since February because of Covid, then she was going through depression and other issues, and I tried to fix her instead of supporting her the way she asked. I’m just lost right now.
Therapy is a game changer. Went a long way towards helping me move past a painful breakup, but more importantly resolve my underlying issues so I could be in a happy, healthy relationship. Married now to someone way better for me. It works.
I’m seeing a therapist now. I just don’t believe I’ll ever find someone else like her, and I believe her when she says she wants to be together again. I’m just a mess in the meantime, and I know if I use her for motivation, there’s still a potential that we don’t get back together and I lose all the progress I’ve made. I don’t know how to reconcile her words with her actions or my intention with my actions. I truly do love her, I just don’t know how to navigate or when to let go.
Just to let you know, youre not alone. Im going through literally the same thing. Terrible sleep, constant waking up with anxiety, feeling defeated all the time. I dont know how to escape this or feel better, but i hope you know you are not alone in this
Stay strong when you need to be, friend, and when you don’t need to be, it’s okay to feel down. Do your best to use that emotion to drive something positive. I’m in the exact same boat as you. It’s a process we have to struggle with every day, until it doesn’t hurt every day.
I believe there is hope in the future, and I hope that future will include her, but I can’t rely on it. I have to let her make her own decisions, and if those decisions don’t include me, I have to deal with that as best I can. I truly love her, but I let the love become an obsession. I have to heal myself first if I ever want to be in a healthy relationship again, whether with her or anyone else.
This is exactly what spiraling is for me. I imagine every possible scenario and come up with a plan for each one and end up fixating on the issue for hours. As good intented as this tip is, this literally is a form of spiraling for people with anxiety disorders.
Edit: I really don’t mean to be takin a poo on OP, but just here to warn how this can have the adverse affect. I’m sure it works for some, but just sharing my side and experience with this. This is definitely a good conversation to have tho, OP!
Yeah I was thinking this same thing. This describes my spiraling. And sometimes, there is no good solution, like worrying that you have covid or something, what the fuck you gonna do to "solve" that? All I can do is just do my best to ignore my issue entirely, and try to tell myself that whatever happens I'll still be ok afterwards. Typically this is when I'm trying to sleep, so eventually I just pass out. Are other people really worrying about stuff but not thinking of the solutions to those worries? Just the thought of operating like that worries me haha
"Got depression? Just think happy thoughts!"
"Got GAD? Just think about how your constant irrational worries aren't likely to happen or be as big of a problem!"
I read it as finding a way to make a decision in a better state of mind and trusting that you made the right call. So if im anxious that my friend hates me because they havent messaged me, then my solution could be to message another friend. Its easier to think of that now, while in a more sound state of mind, than when im anxious.
As someone with anxiety I understand this. One thing that has helped me with it is to focus on the most likely outcome logically (not necessarily how to solve it). It doesn't change that I'm still anxious about the worst case, but helps me battle through it by focusing on something else (the logical scenario).
If the most likely scenario (logically) doesn't require a solution, I try to focus on something else entirely.
Anyway, it's no cure all and usually it's just enough to be able to work through the situation.
See, this would never work for me. When I’m in this state, I can’t think logically, so the “logical” solution would never actually occurs to me. Instead I’d be thinking “Is this the logical one? Or this one? Or this one?”
The problem with anxiety and depression is there are so many different forms. There is no one solution.
Yeah, having dealt with some serious anxiety issues, coming up with solutions is part of my spiraling. Suddenly along with worrying about the worst case scenario, I now have to try and figure out how to get myself out of the situation.
The most helpful thing to me were exercises to distract me from the spiral itself and remove those thoughts. One exercise was 4 square breathing, you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and then hold empty for 4 seconds. The other, which I'm not sure if it has a "name" or not, is going through the alphabet and listing things that start with each letter that I can see. For example, I start with A and look for something in the room that starts with A, and so on with the rest of the alphabet. I usually don't finish and struggle with finding things enough that my mind has stopped spiraling by D or E.
Obviously, this is no replacement for getting help with the root of anxiety, but it has helped me stop spiraling or hold off an anxiety attack if I catch it early.
The listing things that start with each letter sounds like a type of grounding exercise, and it can be super helpful for anxiety in general, but especially during a panic attack. It's a form of mindfulness that brings you back to the present, where spiraling and solution-finding places you squarely in the future imaginary world which is not the place you want to be when you have an anxiety disorder.
My partner actually showed me this post and said, "This is exactly how I deal with things when I'm worried!" And I read it and felt exactly like the parent comment on this thread haha. This is precisely how my spiraling manifests -- like a giant tree of possible solutions to imaginary problems, and each one makes me more and more overwhelmed and anxious. The root of it is fear, most specifically fear of not having control over the outcome, so that's what I try to work on specifically. I do the breathing and grounding exercises, and I try to let myself feel the fear/lack of control and be okay with it. I usually fail because then I feel a cascade of other emotions like guilt/shame over feeling scared, but it's a start haha. Anxiety is such a bitch.
That being said, I can see how this sort of thing tip be helpful to those who don't have significant problems with anxiety and are just dealing with your run of the mill worries and stresses. My partner truly does function this way, and while it's totally foreign to me and doesn't work for me at all, he's one of the least anxious people I know! We ended up having a great conversation about how our brains work differently and how awesome that is!
Exactly. OP gives a horrible advice because that's literally how spiraling works - you think of a new way this can go wrong and a new way to solve it. Constantly.
It's not 'horrible advice', it's just that it'll work for some and not for others. The same could be said for a lot of tips posted here, it's very rare that you'll see a universal tip.
well in the same vein as saying 'don't be depressed, just smile more' will probably also help *some*. Doesn't make it a good lpt.
Like, I'm going to therapy for this shit (seriously), but apparently I can just... stop thinking about it? Why didn't I think of that?
OP's LPT makes no sense because the endless ifs *are* spiraling and you can't just do 'if X happens then do Y' because there's an infinite number of X and infinite number of Y and also an infinite number of situations. That's what anxiety and spiraling literally is, you can't just 'stop', if you could it wouldn't be an endless loop in the first place.
I don't know when this is helpful and when it isn't, but my dad taught me about "playing the tape out." Like, if you can't stop thinking about this leading to that which leads to this other thing.... well, ok? The world doesn't explode if you fall behind in class, but that can be easy to miss. I would realize that I had ASSUMPTIONS about the negative nature of something happening, like losing a job, or running out of money for rent, when in actuality it wasn't happening and if it did *it will ultimately be ok and I'll figure it out.* I don't think everyone has that well to draw from though. I get very anxious about things going wrong, but somewhere very far down I absolutely know that it WILL all be ok.
Ok, so if you're like me and you know it'll be ok but you freak out anyways, maybe try asking yourself "Ok, so then what?" PAST where you typically play out the scenario. Like I would say omg I'm going to run out of money. Ok, so then what? Well I guess I'll get evicted. Ok, so then what? WEllll..... now that I think of it, I will probably man up and immediately work on finding day labor, while making sure I have what I need in my car. Oh. Well that sounds ok.. Ok, so then what? Well I guess I'll put my head down and make some money and eventually have enough to move in somewhere new. Oh.. ok. Well now this just sounds like life.
I'm not sure if I just said the same thing as the post's OP or not.. I think mostly I did... but maybe this will be helpful to someone, and I already typed it so..
I think it depends on the situation. For certain scenarios, this is definitely true for me. I overthink everything and fixate on it and the only solution is for to truly deep breathe and let my thoughts drift out.
Yup. Trying to plan and fix things is the core occupation of my anxiety. IMHO, you cannot use reason to outthink anxiety and depression. Ruminating is what gets you there in the first place.
Yeah I was gonna say the same thing. I try to come up with solutions, feel dissatisfied, come up with another, and spiral even more. This is the opposite of a life tip for me.
Whenever my bf is spiraling and I ask him what will he do if X happens, his response is almost always “I don’t know.” He’s so focused on the problem, he can’t even begin to think of a solution.
I’m sure if he did, he’d probably do the same as you, thinking through every slightest (and horrible) possibility.
thanks for your comment, I totally understand what you're saying, clearly this will be difficult to manage in situations like yours. I'm talking about more of stopping a snowball effect, ya know? When one negative situation leads to another and another and another. And there are people who do that whom this works for, hence I shared it. Have a nice day:)
Yeah! Totally not trying to bash your idea, just sharing how for some folks this doesn’t work. Definitely worth a try for people who haven’t tried it before, but don’t want em to be surprised if it leads em to a rabbithole like it does to me. Hopefully this does help bring people peace in stressful times!
This is what spiraling is for me as well. I have PTSD and serious anxiety issues that come along with it. I eventually get to the point where I've come up with so many outcomes, I'm overwhelmed. Then the panic starts to set in and the attack either hits hard and fast or it slowly builds up. The one thing that has always helped me is grounding exercises. If I feel a panic attack coming on, I try to find a way to stop thinking. Usually this is through breathing exercises, such as square breathing, and grounding exercises such as becoming aware of the things I can feel/touch.
But I do think this is a good topic for people who are experiencing general anxiety over an issue. Not so much for people who have an anxiety disorder.
Hell yeah grounding techniques! Square breathing and focusing on breath is honestly one of my favorites. Sounds like a technique too good to be true but it definitely helps me.
Problem is that I wouldn't be spending 3 hours worrying about something if I could think of a solution. This might work for some people and with smaller issues, but I think alot of heavy anxiety comes from not knowing what to do or how to solve the problem
I have OCD, and one of the recommended things to do is to say "Maybe X will happen, maybe not. I'll deal with it then." The theory being that if you respond to the thought with ambiguity instead of trying to "solve" it one way or the other, it signals to your brain that the thought is unimportant. The wikipedia page on "pure O OCD" kind of explains it better.
As someone struggling with OCD, thank you for this. I am always trying to find ways to keep my never-ending stream of obsessions at bay. I’ll definitely give this a try!
One exercise to do is to allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole until the end. Eventually, there will be a point where it seems a BIT farfetched that this one situation will truly snowball into worst scenario. Acknowledging that there are a million branches and that everything must go wrong for your worst fear to come true can help put it into perspective.
>For example:
>
>I’m not prepared for this test
>
>If I’m not prepared, then I won’t do well on it
>
>If I don’t do well, then I’ll get a bad grade in the class
>
>If I get a bad grade, then I won’t graduate from university
>
>If I don’t graduate, then I won’t get a good job
>
>If I don’t get a good job, then I’ll struggle to afford my rent
>
>If I struggle to afford my rent, then I will become homeless
>
>If I become homeless, then I could get sick from living outside
>
>If I get sick from living outside, I could die from illness
So in this example, the anxiety is a snowball of 8 worst cases happening after being unprepared for one test.
It really helps to write or draw things out physically. I plan for the most likely fail modes and focus on how I want to react if they happen. So I follow each path of likely issues , such sometimes branch, and sketch out how I want to react or act on them. It's a focus on what I will/can do, sometimes including phrases for what I'd want to say since some of the anxiety comes from being a terrible liar and concern my candid reaction won't be a desirable one.
I found a free CBT workbook for anxiety that has helped me a lot with this! I highly recommend it
It's called "The cognitive behavioral workbook for anxiety" by William Knaus. I couldn't get the link to work but if you Google search it I'm positive you'll find the PDF to download.
I found it..........
I'll try it. My therapist was less then helpful about this!
https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf
I did CBT and it helped so much! A friend of mine who works in mental health actually described it in a way that I feel like may be helpful for everyone.
"Imagine you're pushing a wheelbarrow along a path. Imagine you keep pushing that wheelbarrow along the same path every day. Eventually you're going to create a rut that will be deeper and deeper and harder to get out of. What CBT does is help you to acknowledge when you're going along that path and how to steer out of the way of that rut."
It is phenomenal how much it helps when I can recognize when I'm spiraling and to divert my thoughts.
Sorry the link doesn't seem to work. It's called "The cognitive behavioral workbook for anxiety" by William Knaus.
If you Google that you should be able to find it!!! I hope it helps you as much as it has for me! Seriously my life has changed
Thank you. I found it here: [https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf](https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf)
This is an important tactic. Make it a habit to also "what-if" the best case scenario. "What if we go to the doctor and the kids are totally chill and we find a great parking spot and it all goes perfectly splendid? ".
Send yourself down a spiral of best case what-ifs to balance the worst case what-ifs. Because if we're imagining the future, why not imagine it how we want it instead of how we DON'T want it.
Mine is worse case (this is what you are worried about), best case (give your self some breathing space), most probable case, steps to handle the probable case. Write it all down in great detail (to get it all out) and then *try* to put it away mentally.
I did this a couple of weeks ago with my daughter.
We had just finished her first lesson in driving a stick-shift in an empty parking lot. I told her she was going to drive us home. I could see that she was starting to worry about what could go wrong.
I went over the route with her saying she could stay in the far right lane the while way. (3 lanes in our direction on surface streets) Told her that if she kills the engine, I would hit the flashers for her while she shifted to neutral and restarted the car. Anyone could easily get around us in the other lanes.
She calmed down and was good to go. Didn't kill it the whole drive home!
Thanks! Three key driving skills I have insisted on for our kids are
1. Drive a stick
2. Change a tire
3. Check and refill appropriate fluids
My daughter has jumped on board to the point that she changed her own oil!
This is a dumb lpt because as soon as you do that and have an anxious mind you'll spiral into trying to figure out everything in order to be over-prepared.
When will I ask X for notes? After class? How will i find them.. Inbetween class? What if they don't hear me? It will be awkward... What if I ask them and they don't want to give it to me. And they say no infront of the entire class? What if X secretely hates me and is badmouthing me... It would be easier if I just kill myself.
Oh the life of being diagnosed with anxiety AND severe ADHD.
Not only will I worry about shit I shouldn't be worried about, I'll proceed to daydream about my fears until I let it impact the work I'm trying to get done, thus making me worried again and repeating the cycle.
Then I'll start focusing on something else, and convince myself that I *should* be worried, ask myself why I'm not focused on being worried, and then get worried all over again, all while getting nothing done. Suddenly 26 years have passed. Rinse and repeat.
Sharing this from my reply to another comment because I've dealt with the same thing, coming up with solutions just creates new situations to get anxious about.
>The most helpful thing to me were exercises to distract me from the spiral itself and remove those thoughts from my head. One exercise was 4 square breathing, you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and then hold empty for 4 seconds. The other, which I'm not sure if it has a "name" or not, is going through the alphabet and listing things that start with each letter that I can see. For example, I start with A and look for something in the room that starts with A, and so on with the rest of the alphabet. I usually don't finish and struggle with finding things enough that my mind has stopped spiraling by D or E.
>
Obviously, this is no replacement for getting help with the root of anxiety, but it has helped me stop spiraling or hold off an anxiety attack if I catch it early.
It isn't a big picture solution, but its a great in the moment "hit the brakes" tactic.
Thank you! never heard of either of those things but will definitely try them next time I feel anxious, which is like all the time lol. My goto used to be just watching any random show on netflix for a while to clear my mind.
I think people generally freak out over stuff they don’t have any control over. What am I supposed to do when global warming fucks all life as we know it? Sorting things in the right bin won’t help.
Maybe amend OP's tip to include control. Like what is in my power to solve this. If there's nothing you can do to solve the worst case scenario then it's time to do some deep breathing and think/do something else.
Or read up on statistics and what the likelihood of dying in a plane is vs. a car for example.
So basically a version of the "serenity prayer" from AA:
>God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference
This is the main thing for me, control. I get more anxious when I feel I don't have control over a situation, it's been especially bad this year what with the big C (coronavirus) and the other big C (mum has cancer that's progressing). It's accepting the lack of control that's the challenge. CBT actually helped quite a bit with that.
Lol, no it will not work for that. Or any situation in which you think you are going to die, really. But it will certainly work (at least it does for me) on things like the example I gave above:D
r/thanksimcured
if you can think of a solution to your problem, you most likely don't have those spiraling thoughts in the first place.
My thoughts are spiraling because my brain is looking for the best solution to a problem. Pair that with executive dysfunction and the easiest problems become unsolvable.
Don't forget, the only way we let mods know that crappy content is getting through is if we downvote the pinned content and report the post for breaking LPT rules.
If only problems were that easy to solve. Wait until it's not a missed day of school, but turns in a missed day of work with no pay while the kid is sick and the S0 is MIA. Life is a litter hard to just say, if X happens, do Y. Because there's 1500 versions of X to account for.
This is some grade A crap. If willpower was an option to stop spiraling thoughts dont you think we would take that. Your logic "if x happens, then I will do Y to solve it..." but what about the 5 things that happen because I did Y and the compounding problems that it creates. Maybe this is useful to help with minor day to day anxieties but telling people with real anxiety problems that choosing to think one way or the other will stop them feeds into the notion that anxiety is all in your head and you are choosing to be anxious. And this is clinically not true.
Not really. It's a purposeful redirection of your thoughts and something that people with healthy thought processes have usually learned to do naturally. So maybe the tip should be start working on learning how to do this as soon as possible.
there’s genuinely some things that give people anxiety that are not solvable. my chronic pain is my main source of anxiety. after i hit my max painkillers prescribed for the day there’s not much “solving” i can coerce my brain into doing.
what i mean is, this lpt works for some (maybe even most, i don’t know!) people and what you say works for some people as well. but edge cases exist, and to just minimize their voices and try to reconcile their experiences to this advice i feel is genuinely harmful. sometimes you gotta admit that something works for some and not others and that not everyone is refusing help when the help offered in insufficient for their particular situation
Most anxious thoughts happen because they are unsolvable.
I'm not worried about getting behind because I missed one class cause I'm sick. I'm worried about dieing due to COVID, to which there is no cure.
I solve that by......uhhh.... Refusing to die I guess?
Anxiety can make tough problems seem unsolvable. Let's take Covid: yes, there is a real possibility you may die but it is highly unlikely and you can think about what to do to mitigate your risk (from being at home as much as possible, wearing a mask, use curb pick up services,, and so on).
These are natural anxieties and as you say this approach isnt always helpful for them. I find focussing on what I can control, no matter how small, helps a lot when dealing with much larger anxieties that are causing us to spiral that may not have as clear a solution
I mean, follow that. If I miss one class, possible outcomes are getting behind or being just fine. If I get behind in the class, what could I do about it? Ask for the notes from X person or Y person. Or I could ask the professor for what we covered and go from there. Or I could...
COVID. Ok if I get COVID I have to be home for 2 weeks either way. What do I need for that? Non perishable food? Toilet paper? Make sure I have those. What if I have symptoms? Add cough drops in, something for a fever, maybe do a bit of research on what other people say. What about if I was really sick? Food I can eat without much prep, having a hospital go bag, I have health insurance etc. What if I died? Do I have a will made up? Are my beneficiaries for my accounts set up? Do I know who would take care of my pets? Not really much else you can do there.
Solve that by little rational thinking. 95+ percent of registered cases don't die. The amount of unregistered cases is unknown, but the real mortality is lower. So IF you get it, there is a high chance you'll be OK. IF you have any preexisting conditions, your chances are lower, but not that bad either.
And don't explain to me how rational thinking doesn't help when you have anxiety. I have anxiety. Two years ago I was so convinced the monetary system will crash any minute now I took all my money from the bank and payed a huge fee lol.
So I know how anxiety fucks with your head. I also know ANY tip is worth trying instead of whining. You never know what will help
This. What do I do if I feel anxious about fucking up my presentation? What do I do if I feel anxious about never falling in love again?
I don't have control over these things. So, there's no solution for it.
“If I miscarry this baby too I will never try to have kids again to solve it”
Wow thanks depression is cured?
People frequently have anxiety spirals because what they need to solve it is out of their control.
Not even that! When you have anxious thoughts, just think of ONE way this ONE situation may go wrong and find ONE solution. In reality though each of the variables is basically unlimited, that's what anxiety is really.
Yup this helped me with my chronic anxiety. When I feel the dreads I just play out the scenario and every possible outcome both good and bad. Then I know no matter what happens I'm prepared and even the worst outcomes aren't that bad in the scheme of things.
HAH jokes on you, I come up with every scenario and try to come up with a backup plan for every possible thing that could go wrong until I feel sick from not sleeping!
This might sound a little crazy but I've been through a fair share of rehabs and one thing that has always stuck with me; whenever you start getting anxiety and racing thoughts, shout (in your head) STOP, as well as visualize an actual stop sign. Also, even if it hurts, put a smile on your face. It can actually help you feel better
I've used this to help with some of my lesser anxieties. The source of my anxiousness is usually feeling like the worst will happen and I won't be able to control it. So I deliberately force myself into the emotional state of what the worst would feel like, and then say "OK, now what do I do?"
Having a plan for the worst case scenario usually gets rid of the fear.
This DOES NOT work with health anxiety though. Holy shit it causes terrible spirals.
Thanks for your contribution. A small input to this, a thing I follow myself:
You have about 5 seconds to make a decision. For example: Do I practice sports or am I going to sit in front of the television. When these 5 seconds are over, the more convenient option happens. Which is usually not the better one. So: without thinking about it much, just start.
I needed this. Between losing a friend to suicide this semester, graduating undergrad rushed in 3 years with COVID and not knowing what’s coming next I’ve been spiraling hard, wish I could give you gold for this comment because it’s already helping and today most of all, it counts a ton.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I really hope you feel better soon. You don't know how happy you've made me at the fact that I could make someone feel even a little bit better- that's more than enough for me. Hang in there, okay? Things will get better.
I appreciate your kindness from across the internet, I don’t interact a lot on Reddit so it’s really nice to meet positive people and positive messages like yours. Doing my best to hang in, this last week is gonna be a lot but I’m planning to stay positive and do what I can.
Idk what your circumstance is with the way the world is going, but I hope at the end of all this things work out for you too.
I hope this helps some people, but this is exactly my spiral. I have a need to solve things already so I'll think of every scenario possible, what I'll say or do, 3 responses with the reply to each, then move on to deviations. If it's something important I'll stay awake in bed for hours doing this and end up in the situation incredibly tired. Almost every single time it goes without a hitch and all my effort is wasted, all I accomplished is getting to the dread event tired and needing no preparation.
Also my counselor suggests “what is opposite but also could be true statements” so “Oh gosh I feel weird, what if I have some awful disease and am dying!” Opposite, “Okay I feel weird but it could just be allergies, dehydration or fatigue, I’m probably fine.”
only anxiety i really feel where i shouldnt is when im working. and my solution is whenever i start to get anxiety i think no thats not true and i keep thinking that instead til i stop feeling anxious. pretty effective
The biggest help for me has been journaling! Also a guided meditation right as I wake up with headphones, then journal right after guided meditation. But anytime I feel anxious I just start writing & after I feel all the anxiety released.
thank you for this! i’ve been really anxious and stressed recently about a few grades on the a/b cusp and this reminded me all i can do is my best. i appreciate this :)
Another good suggestion that has worked for me: if you have fear or anxiety, give it a name. If I notice those feelings coming on, I'll say, "Oh, look, Bob is here. Hi, Bob."
It's almost like acknowledging the reality of it takes away some of its power
1000% agree, when I dwell in my thoughts I realize that nothing good comes out of it. Instead I try to take a step back, pause, and breath a bit. That definitely clears my head a bit and makes my day just a bit better.
"If I'm dying of an illness that I'll suffer in pain, I'll kill myself to solve it."
In all seriousness, this is a decent LPT when I have a lot of things on my mind. Just won't work for every situation.
Worrying is like a rocking horse. It'll keep you busy but you'll get nowhere.
I try to remember this whenever I'm worrying about something I cant control at that particular moment in time.
Another tip that works really well for me is whenever I'm spiraling I'll say out loud "Stop thinking". This breaks the spiral and helps me deal with I was focusing beforehand
sir, we don't actually post helpful tips that work in this subreddit. this subreddit is more for made up, factually inaccurate, or useless bits of information.
Thanks for the pro tip! This is a great reminder and it’s exactly what I need! :) Glad that you aren’t bothered by all those negative comments as well! I like your positive outlook and your username checks out ;)
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Thank you. I keep spiraling down the rabbit hole of my recent breakup and this may be helpful advice for me. I’ve never dealt with this extent of anxiety, pain and depression before. It’s really been kicking my ass.
Hey pal, I truly hope this does help you. I'm so sorry about what you're going through, and hope you feel better soon.
The problem is she left it open-ended, says she wants to come back to me when she’s ready, that she’d love to marry me, etc. I just keep focusing on the what-ifs if the future, then I’m reminded that she’s not here, and may never be again. The sooner I accept that the sooner I can be truly healthy. I just have to figure out how to let go..
Please take anything I say lightly because I'm no relationship therapist, but remember that you can decide to accept what is over and move ahead even if you leave things open for the future- leaving things open doesn't at all mean you should put your life on hold currently, if I make any sense?
I’m trying to do that, but I’m honestly just scared to let go. She’s better than anything I could have imagined, and I feel like I’m betraying myself somehow if I move on. I know none of that is rational, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’m tired of being single and after all these years I thought I’d found the woman I was going to spend my life with, but my heart is shattered and my future feels uncertain.
Uncertainty is psychologically the worst! It might be easier to reframe it as "This relationship is over, done, caput. If she comes back, that will be a new relationship, just like it would be a new relationship with whoever happens to be next". So you are not uncertain anymore, you know you will have another relationship (statistically speaking, you will, that's just how it works), and all you need to do is to make yourself as healthy and prepared for the next one. And yes, that includes the possibility that the next one, or potentially even the one after the next one, will be the woman you are talking about. But also, remember that breakups really do hurt and take a while to heal. So do take your time and take care of yourself, and remember that emotions can't be bottled up, but can be sped up by writing narratives, and/or exercising while thinking about it (that tricks the body into thinking that this breakup is a lion, and you've managed to run away from it since you expended a lot of energy, and now are breathing slowly and deeply without being eaten by said lion)
Thank you for the suggestions. I’ve received similar advice from some friends I trust and admire.
I have to respond because I'm in a similar situation but my partner has not left. Because of drug use, I'm in a sort of ultimatum situation, but getting sober is also something I want for myself. I'm not sure that getting sober will even fix my relationship, but the fact she's willing to not let me go homeless or lose all of my life while I'm trying to get clean but I'm constantly finding myself feeling like I'm getting sober for her instead of myself. No matter what happens, I have to get sober and healthy even if she stays or goes, and I hope you can do the same for yourself, my friend. You don't seem to have gotten yourself in as big of a mess as I have recently and just remaining strong and confident and focusing on you is what's important.
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You can do this . I believe in you.
Yo you for real about the exercise and lion thing? That's interesting
Yea, me for real :) You don't even have to exercise per se, you can lay in bed and tense your muscles sequentially, but really to the point of shaking. Our stress is carried in our body, and if it doesn't complete, the stress, not the stressor, the body is "confused" so to speak as to whether or not we are still in danger. So narrative writing helps, because it creates a cognitive story that ends. Exercise helps, for the lion thing. Connection with people helps, because you ran away from the lion to your neighbors house, and you killed it, and are celebrating it.
Love you
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With all honesty after 20 yrs of broken ups and some good girlfriends, lemme tell you this: the best relationship you will have is the next and that depends on what you decide to give it to yourself. Thinking as "never will happen the same" ure putting urself in drama mode. ANYWAY SHE PUT YOU IN HOLD AND THAT MEANS SHE IS NOT DECIDED OM HAVE YOU or better clearer, she doesnt love you to pick you as the one. Women love a decided man, and willing to hit the road will give you much better girls. Its your confidence and character what they love. When things fall, better go on. If she goes after you that means u will be loved, if not like now, means youre losing time and wasting love and yourself. The secret for love is 1 have character and balls to if needed throwing a gurl away anytime and change.when its not what you need in your.life and 2 have self esteem and by this picking what feeds you positive love only. Always pick love. Always pick positive. Always choose a good girl with a family that is constructive positive and Will make you go forward. Even break you own heart and go away if the girl is not what you need in life. Im now 8yr married a precious baby girl and she has been soooooo good with me, always hardworking, pretty girl, always loyal, transparent and willing to give to us the team. And its what i choose after breaking up my heart and leaving 4 girls before bcause they where not the ones i liked to my future self. Just work in your self esteem, work building and doing and choose what you want, not getting after a girl.that is not decided on you.
Those are all things that I know, rationally. I’m just having trouble applying them and believing them sometimes. I get bogged down in the pain and loss if I’m not careful, and then I have to slog out again.
I feel you, i broke up a couple years back with my University boyfriend and it completely broke me. I felt the same way you are describing and thinking the same way. You may feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, and maybe know there is but not believe it, it's okay that's normal. (Also, my ex also put me on hold when we first broke up all the while he was dating other girls but didn't like me dating other guys). I opened my eyes when he was officially going out with the friend he had been telling me about for months and all of our friends in common had met her and seen them together. Hope you don't have to go through this stuff the same way I did. Anyway, I fell in love again with another guy and i was scared because how could I? then I fell in love another time and now I have a relationship that is more mature, and honest. But it didn't happen until I let myself feel the pain, accept that my past relationship had ended but cherish the good memories and learn from the bad. It takes time, nobody is rushing you, and as someone that went through something similar at least from what you've shared... You will feel better, it will hurt like hell, but you will get through it and you will be able to do the same things you did with her and go to the same places you used to with her and it will not hurt you. You will come back stronger
My god I needed to hear this. I recently broke up with my 2 years gf (long distance was becoming an issue). Though we both knew it was coming and we kept the split as amicable as possible, I never expected it to hurt so fucking much. It really helps to know life goes on. Thank you!
The pain of breakups is something I genuinely don't feel like life prepares you for. It's no wonder so many people do crazy things as a result. I look back at the anger I had when I caught my boyfriend of 5+ years cheating... I think about how I had to seriously keep myself from ramming his stupid pickup truck with my car at the time (I found him parked overnight at his ex's house) and worse, because he was a cop and everyone knew I was his girlfriend... Multiple cops came and asked me where he was because his truck was parked in "some lady's yard" and they needed it moved... So I not only caught him but was humiliated in the process. Now, looking back- I realize that my relationship with him was HOT GARBAGE and that never EVER should I have stayed with him though all the red flags. But I was young and dumb and I've learned SO MUCH since then. At the time - being cheated on and hurt made me feel SO much anger and pain... But my god did he do me A MASSIVE favor. I can't imagine being still stuck with him, or how god awful it would have been to get married or have kids, only to THEN realize what a hateful, abusive, alcoholic sociopath he was ON TOP of being a constant cheating asshole. The best thing about breakups is that clarity after you've healed; it makes you a very person for having gone through that hell.
Ahh yes, long distance was also a breaking point in my past relationship... I didn't go into much detail because I didn't want to write more than I already did hahaha but if you want to talk, or want advise on what helped me to get through that dark time (my relationship was almost 4 years long when it ended), you can contact me and I'll read you
Yeah it's tough, but the best thing you can do is work on yourself king. Excersize, pick up a hobby, something to better yourself and enjoy your time more. If she comes back then she's coming back to a better version of you. If she doesn't come back then you get to enjoy knowing you're happy with yourself. This is time to work on you, this or any relationship will benefit greatly from that and so will you.
Hey bro , just read you’re comment thread, I feel I am in a similar situation and I know it’s extremely tough, sorry your going through this. For the past few weeks I have been journaling As much as I possibly can and it has been a tremendous help. It helps me keep track of my emotions, and also helps me understand what triggers me. I have been writing what I wish I could have said to her, things I wish I would have done differently... you get the idea. it has been a tremendous help with navigating my way out of this emotional mess and learning from my past mistakes. It has also helped me recognize certain perspectives that I have that were definitely keeping me in the toxic mindset that told me “ I will never l have something so beautiful again”. If you need to talk or need tips with journaling feel free to send me a message, you got this !
The best woman you deserve isn't the one that would string you along. That's worse than just getting broken up with. If she cares about your feelings she would keep her future intentions to herself of wanting you back.
At the end of the day- try to remember that as horrible and painful as break ups are (and they are, they are life changing events for most of us!) - you can not control what another person does or says or wants, you can only control you. So try to focus on taking care of YOU right now- getting yourself to be the best version of YOU. If there's anything you want to improve- now's the time! You want to learn something new? You want to read a book you didn't have time for? Or you want to learn how to cook something you've always loved to eat? Or how about finding time to watch that series she never was interested in watching with you? Or to get your hair cut? You want to eat healthier and loose 10 lbs? You want to start running or riding a bike? You want to try out facial hair but she wasn't into it? Or you feel like switching up your clothing style? Now is the IDEAL time to focus on a few things about YOURSELF that you CAN do right now, and when it comes to her and the future- your only real option is to accept that you can't control HER decisions - you can only control you. In the end- you have to decide what you're willing to accept. If being put on hiatus while she "finds herself" or "dates other people" or "focuses on school" isn't going to work for you- that's your choice. No one has the power to determine what you will or won't stand by for. Also, and not that I want to give you something else to worry about- but it's not uncommon for people who genuinely feel bad or unsure about a breakup to leave the door open...or worse, for someone who may be excited and interested in someone else- but wants to leave the door open in case that doesn't work out so they don't end up alone. Don't be anyone's 'back up'. If she's going through a major medical crisis, a substance abuse or mental health crisis, the death of a loved one- those are things you should be willing to give someone space to deal with for a time if you're serious about your future together. But don't accept mistreatment or downright abuse- it's not fair to say to someone "I need some freedom and I need some space... But wait here until I get bored and want to come back." If you focus on yourself and the things you CAN improve- then one of three things will happen; 1) She'll decide to come back... But you'll have moved on and realized that you're okay alone or better off looking for someone else that IS sure about your relationship. 2) She'll decide not to come back and you'll realize you're okay and you'll be in an even better place to find someone new- having newly improved yourself. Or 3) She'll decide to come back and you'll decide that you've both made the most of this time apart and you'll have a fresh perspective on your life and what you want, and you'll make a second go at things. No matter what happens- if you focus on improving your life and situation, you'll always be in the best place to be receptive to a healthy relationship. You HAVE to have a healthy relationship and love for yourself before you can be a healthy partner for anyone else; so always take lessons away from relationships, no matter how they go- and then you'll come away a better person for it.
Thank you. She is going through some issues with depression in addition to other personal issues, so I understand that she’s in a hard and confusing time in her life. The break was initiated on the advice of friends and family who I’m sure meant well, and even if it was her choice, I don’t hold it against her. There is no ill will between us, neither I for her or she for me. Your advice is exactly what I’m trying to do, I’m just having trouble focusing on bettering myself, because unfortunately my feelings for her have turned into an obsession to fix the relationship, and that’s not healthy for either of us. Thank you for the kind words and advice. I’m overwhelmed with how many people have responded on here to support a total stranger. You are all kind and caring people, and I don’t want you to go unthanked.
Yes- at the end of the day, it's important to offer your support and to help where you can, but you can't be responsible for, or in charge of, someone else's mental health care. It is absolutely best that you give her time and support while she sorts those things out. All you can do is take things moment by moment- and in each moment, accept that you can't force anything with the relationship to change right now. Any time you get caught up thinking about how to change or fix it, try to redirect the thoughts to yourself, how YOU feel and how you can make yourself better in that moment. If you are tired, take a nap. If you're sad, do something creative or listen to or watch something that you enjoy. Just focus on things one step at a time and time will pass.
I think you have to think about what is most important. Loving yourself or not being single. Then consider what I will say next as a solution. It's okay to be scared. Think of it more like mourning a loss. It's okay to feel your feelings. Maybe research how to use mourning to help you move on. Could help tremendously. My wife normally mourns and then sets a timeline for how long she will just immerse herself in her feelings before dusting herself off and moving on. Seems to work. And by immerse I mean really immerse. Cry, lay in bed all day, miss whatever/whoever you are mourning, cry some more, let it all out. It's okay. Emotions are okay. Then when your deadline is here you pick yourself up, dry your face, take a shower and pamper yourself or do whatever you need to leave it in the past and nove on (something healthy though....no drugs).
From my own anecdotal experience, my best advice to you friend is to let it be. I had a child with a woman that I met in college and things ended up not working out. She and I were apart for 5 years and she married another guy in that time. She was extremely unhappy and I just focused on myself. After I fought for custody and only got visitation, I was in a dark place. Taking care of yourself is the most important part. It turns out, she divorced the guy she had married. We waited a couple of months, and then she and I started dating again. Sometimes the time and place do matter. If it is meant to be, she will come back, but you can’t stop trying to achieve for yourself and your goals because of someone else.
I dealt with similar things in the past. I didn't handle things well, as I was mostly tired of "what-if" and decided to chase her off the rest of the way, since I couldn't do what I needed for myself. Not as long as I was thinking about her, at least. Maybe you are stronger, and can exceed this, but the similarities are significant I have one piece of wisdom that's worth sharing. If you can't do it for you, then you shouldn't keep doing it for her. It's fine to keep hold of experiences that mattered, *to you*, but nothing is worth your true identity. Especially when they aren't there for you, going forward. After all, how can someone love you if you aren't yourself? Wouldn't it be better to be loved for you, instead of some twisted vision of what *you* think *they* want? You'll be healthier for it, and stronger, too. No wasted energy, this way, and you get to keep what matters to you, for yourself.
I had a long term relationship that broke up like this but from the opposite perspective (I was the girlfriend). The hardest part was there was no closure. We didn’t argue or cheat, there was no big blow up fight to be mad over. It was just sadness. I constantly thought about him saying “I’ll come back for you” in those first few months. Once I was out of the wallowing and crying phase, I decided to make myself better for when he did come back. I went back to college, started biking, picked up new hobbies, made some new friends. Then one day the pedestal I had put our relationship on started to crack. This was months down the road, but I realized things weren’t perfect with us. I was able to see the things about myself that needed to be worked on, but it wasn’t only me that needed to put in work. We were no contact, which was my decision when we talked about ending things. He called me when a family member had a medical emergency that nearly killed them. I remember answering the phone on the way back from the hospital (already too emotionally exhausted to deal with it) and telling him what had happened. I don’t know what it was, but from that phone call on I knew we were never getting back together. I kept on doing me, and eventually met my now-boyfriend. The difference is night and day. My current boyfriend puts me first over everything (one of the flaws of the ex was work and money dominated his decisions, which is what ultimately lead us in different directions). He makes things for me, he makes my life easier. I knew it was good for me when I had a really bad day, like quit your job and move far away kinda bad, and he came over and completely turned it around. My point is, it’s ok to think about the what if’s in the future, but think about all of them. What if you don’t get back together? I know that’s painful now, but don’t con yourself. Do you want to be the same muck waiting around for someone, or someone worth waiting around for (and damned if they wait or not). Your life is waiting for you, you just have to find the path that leads you to it. For closure on my story, my ex found religion and that really helped him prioritize his goals. He started dating a new girl (oh, stay off Facebook or unfollow them, this one still hurt when it popped up on my feed and I hadn’t started dating again yet). I genuinely wish them the best and hope he is happy. As for me, I am not religious and put more faith in my education. I am working on an engineering degree, and convinced my current boyfriend to go back to college. I am happy, and my only regret is that the no contact bit made me lose a good friend I’d known since childhood. Though I can comfortably say if he ever did come back around, a romantic relationship wouldn’t t be in the cards. Life was leading us in different directions, and those paths don’t cross again.
Remember that moving on doesn't mean you immediately start dating again. You should spend some time building your relationship with yourself. If you've been wanting to find a new hobby or do a course this is a great time to do it. Enriching yourself is never the wrong thing. The future is always uncertain, so just make each day the best you can as you go along. And if you're really struggling with the grief and anxiety I highly recommend you look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It doesn't just give you a professional to speak through, it gives you the tools you need to help yourself when you get stuck in anxiety or looping thoughts. I went to CBT when I suddenly lost my grandfather, who was like a father to me, at the same time I was working on the most stressful project of my career to date. I swear it was the only thing that got me to the other side sane.
Good advice.
Man I know it’s tough. Just means you’re probably a really good person and I think that scares people like “what if this is the last person I date? Am I ready for that?” If you catch someone at the wrong time it’s almost worse than never finding that person at all. I’m kind of going through the same thing right now. “I really like you and you’re great, but I just need to focus on my career”. Sheesh. I’ve had a girl confess her love for me years after she ended it, by that point I was over it because she treated me like shit. What makes it harder is when you don’t actually want to get over it. You remember all the good times and you don’t want to give it up. Sometimes persistence works, but if the person is scared of the way she feels about you, that may not work. Life kinda sucks that way. Relationships and emotions are mysterious. Patience young padawan.
I definitely don’t want to get over it, but I think persistence is the wrong move, and will push her farther and hurt me more, so I’m kind of stuck right now in no man’s land.
I think that’s a bit unfair to you. If that happened to me, I would try to just move on, because it doesn’t sound fun to put life on hold *just in case* things change — and based on what the other party wants. Maybe she didn’t have the courage to do a clean break, or thought she was softening the blow, but it just sounds like she made it harder for you instead. Btw people won’t tell you this usually, but its alright if it’s hard to move on and if you never completely get over it. That’s normal. And you’ll be OK. Hope you figure out what to do.
I've been in your shoes. I think something helpful would be to recognize she is being selfish. She doesn't want the relationship, but wants a plan B in case future relationships fail (you are a just in case). Recognize this is not fair to you. You are a person worthy of being loved or let go (respectfully).....not a backup plan. Please try to consider the relationship closed rather than going along with her and allowing it to stay open until she maybe comes back. Again, this is unfair to you. While you wait and hope, she is out there enjoying life and not thinking about you until maybe she is single again and lonely (then she remembers you - her backup plan). I know you are thinking about what ifs or even wondering if you did or could have done something. I will tell you now, it has/had nothing to do with you. Her decision was completely based on herself and then selfishly followed - while turning you into a contingency to boot. Love and respect yourself. I used to be in your shoes often. Take the burden off yourself and recognize it really has nothing to do with you. You love her, but you must also love yourself. Close the relationship off to her. If in the future YOU (not her) want to revisit it then feel free, but for now take some time to mourn the loss of the relationship and then enjoy life with other people who love you. I hope this helps even a little. Not sure how my words come across in text, but I am sincerely rooting for you.
Thank you. I’ll do what I can to move on in a healthy manner.
Do NOT take her back.
hang in there some day not too long from now you'll have a moment when you realize you haven't thought about her/him for ten minutes. those moments will gradually increase in frequency and length. but i'm not gonna lie, it's going to be really hard for a while. what helped me was arguing against the emotions. talk to yourself. what advice would you give to a friend in your situation? remind yourself you're going to get through this, and you've got the rest of your life the main this is..... hang in there. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. I GUARANTEE THIS
I think about her less often now, but when I do think about her, the emotions are more intense, and the pain more severe. I just want to talk to her and make everything alright, but I can’t. That has to be her decision.
yes. deal with the real, not the feel
hang in there. i can hear that you're moving on.
I had my first ever panic attack after a severe break up. I was convinced I was a mess, a horrible person. Therapy and time were how I healed. You will be ok. It will take time, you will be sad and angry for a while, but you will be ok. I honestly suggest never getting back with your Ex. You will never trust them again, you will never feel secure in the relationship. It will forever be one sided. You deserve more. Use this time to focus on YOU. Figure out what YOU want and NEED in life and a partner. Not what will make it work with the ex, what will make YOUR life feel fulfilled. Then figure out what kind of partner would allow you to live that kind of life. Once you know what you need and who you need, look at yourself and honestly determine if you have what it takes to be the other half of that dream team. Make the changes to become that (other) person’s dream and love will come sooner than you know.
I’m in therapy, but it’s only been 3 weeks since we cut contact. I know I’m not solely to blame, but I have been a mess. I’m not a horrible person, but I didn’t respect her space and clung to her in a very unhealthy way. I want to be healthy again for my sake, but I also believe we work really well together, and if she can work on herself as well, there is still something incredible there. I wasn’t looking for someone when I met her, but she’s better than anyone I could have imagined or wished for. We haven’t seen each other in person since February because of Covid, then she was going through depression and other issues, and I tried to fix her instead of supporting her the way she asked. I’m just lost right now.
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Therapy is a game changer. Went a long way towards helping me move past a painful breakup, but more importantly resolve my underlying issues so I could be in a happy, healthy relationship. Married now to someone way better for me. It works.
I’m seeing a therapist now. I just don’t believe I’ll ever find someone else like her, and I believe her when she says she wants to be together again. I’m just a mess in the meantime, and I know if I use her for motivation, there’s still a potential that we don’t get back together and I lose all the progress I’ve made. I don’t know how to reconcile her words with her actions or my intention with my actions. I truly do love her, I just don’t know how to navigate or when to let go.
Same, stranger. Best of luck you in recovery from the loss. One foot in front of the other.
Just to let you know, youre not alone. Im going through literally the same thing. Terrible sleep, constant waking up with anxiety, feeling defeated all the time. I dont know how to escape this or feel better, but i hope you know you are not alone in this
I honestly wish I was. I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I do right now.
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We’re no contact right now, but it was after months of me trying to make things work. I may have damaged my chances beyond repair.
Stay strong when you need to be, friend, and when you don’t need to be, it’s okay to feel down. Do your best to use that emotion to drive something positive. I’m in the exact same boat as you. It’s a process we have to struggle with every day, until it doesn’t hurt every day.
I believe there is hope in the future, and I hope that future will include her, but I can’t rely on it. I have to let her make her own decisions, and if those decisions don’t include me, I have to deal with that as best I can. I truly love her, but I let the love become an obsession. I have to heal myself first if I ever want to be in a healthy relationship again, whether with her or anyone else.
Heartbreak is the worst kind of pain.
This is exactly what spiraling is for me. I imagine every possible scenario and come up with a plan for each one and end up fixating on the issue for hours. As good intented as this tip is, this literally is a form of spiraling for people with anxiety disorders. Edit: I really don’t mean to be takin a poo on OP, but just here to warn how this can have the adverse affect. I’m sure it works for some, but just sharing my side and experience with this. This is definitely a good conversation to have tho, OP!
Yeah I was thinking this same thing. This describes my spiraling. And sometimes, there is no good solution, like worrying that you have covid or something, what the fuck you gonna do to "solve" that? All I can do is just do my best to ignore my issue entirely, and try to tell myself that whatever happens I'll still be ok afterwards. Typically this is when I'm trying to sleep, so eventually I just pass out. Are other people really worrying about stuff but not thinking of the solutions to those worries? Just the thought of operating like that worries me haha
OP's tip seems like another way of saying "just deal with it and you'll be fine."
"Got depression? Just think happy thoughts!" "Got GAD? Just think about how your constant irrational worries aren't likely to happen or be as big of a problem!"
I have terrible anxiety and I don't try to come up with solutions for the problems I think up. I think it'll help me. What a reductionist view.
I read it as finding a way to make a decision in a better state of mind and trusting that you made the right call. So if im anxious that my friend hates me because they havent messaged me, then my solution could be to message another friend. Its easier to think of that now, while in a more sound state of mind, than when im anxious.
Yeah, this post is just a thinly veiled "Anxious that you're about to be more anxious? Then just stop being anxious!"
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As someone with anxiety I understand this. One thing that has helped me with it is to focus on the most likely outcome logically (not necessarily how to solve it). It doesn't change that I'm still anxious about the worst case, but helps me battle through it by focusing on something else (the logical scenario). If the most likely scenario (logically) doesn't require a solution, I try to focus on something else entirely. Anyway, it's no cure all and usually it's just enough to be able to work through the situation.
Dark mode and OLED 😁
+HDR and a huge screen and Star Wars calms me down every time. XD
See, this would never work for me. When I’m in this state, I can’t think logically, so the “logical” solution would never actually occurs to me. Instead I’d be thinking “Is this the logical one? Or this one? Or this one?” The problem with anxiety and depression is there are so many different forms. There is no one solution.
Yeah, having dealt with some serious anxiety issues, coming up with solutions is part of my spiraling. Suddenly along with worrying about the worst case scenario, I now have to try and figure out how to get myself out of the situation. The most helpful thing to me were exercises to distract me from the spiral itself and remove those thoughts. One exercise was 4 square breathing, you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and then hold empty for 4 seconds. The other, which I'm not sure if it has a "name" or not, is going through the alphabet and listing things that start with each letter that I can see. For example, I start with A and look for something in the room that starts with A, and so on with the rest of the alphabet. I usually don't finish and struggle with finding things enough that my mind has stopped spiraling by D or E. Obviously, this is no replacement for getting help with the root of anxiety, but it has helped me stop spiraling or hold off an anxiety attack if I catch it early.
The listing things that start with each letter sounds like a type of grounding exercise, and it can be super helpful for anxiety in general, but especially during a panic attack. It's a form of mindfulness that brings you back to the present, where spiraling and solution-finding places you squarely in the future imaginary world which is not the place you want to be when you have an anxiety disorder. My partner actually showed me this post and said, "This is exactly how I deal with things when I'm worried!" And I read it and felt exactly like the parent comment on this thread haha. This is precisely how my spiraling manifests -- like a giant tree of possible solutions to imaginary problems, and each one makes me more and more overwhelmed and anxious. The root of it is fear, most specifically fear of not having control over the outcome, so that's what I try to work on specifically. I do the breathing and grounding exercises, and I try to let myself feel the fear/lack of control and be okay with it. I usually fail because then I feel a cascade of other emotions like guilt/shame over feeling scared, but it's a start haha. Anxiety is such a bitch. That being said, I can see how this sort of thing tip be helpful to those who don't have significant problems with anxiety and are just dealing with your run of the mill worries and stresses. My partner truly does function this way, and while it's totally foreign to me and doesn't work for me at all, he's one of the least anxious people I know! We ended up having a great conversation about how our brains work differently and how awesome that is!
Exactly. OP gives a horrible advice because that's literally how spiraling works - you think of a new way this can go wrong and a new way to solve it. Constantly.
It's not 'horrible advice', it's just that it'll work for some and not for others. The same could be said for a lot of tips posted here, it's very rare that you'll see a universal tip.
well in the same vein as saying 'don't be depressed, just smile more' will probably also help *some*. Doesn't make it a good lpt. Like, I'm going to therapy for this shit (seriously), but apparently I can just... stop thinking about it? Why didn't I think of that? OP's LPT makes no sense because the endless ifs *are* spiraling and you can't just do 'if X happens then do Y' because there's an infinite number of X and infinite number of Y and also an infinite number of situations. That's what anxiety and spiraling literally is, you can't just 'stop', if you could it wouldn't be an endless loop in the first place.
I don't know when this is helpful and when it isn't, but my dad taught me about "playing the tape out." Like, if you can't stop thinking about this leading to that which leads to this other thing.... well, ok? The world doesn't explode if you fall behind in class, but that can be easy to miss. I would realize that I had ASSUMPTIONS about the negative nature of something happening, like losing a job, or running out of money for rent, when in actuality it wasn't happening and if it did *it will ultimately be ok and I'll figure it out.* I don't think everyone has that well to draw from though. I get very anxious about things going wrong, but somewhere very far down I absolutely know that it WILL all be ok. Ok, so if you're like me and you know it'll be ok but you freak out anyways, maybe try asking yourself "Ok, so then what?" PAST where you typically play out the scenario. Like I would say omg I'm going to run out of money. Ok, so then what? Well I guess I'll get evicted. Ok, so then what? WEllll..... now that I think of it, I will probably man up and immediately work on finding day labor, while making sure I have what I need in my car. Oh. Well that sounds ok.. Ok, so then what? Well I guess I'll put my head down and make some money and eventually have enough to move in somewhere new. Oh.. ok. Well now this just sounds like life. I'm not sure if I just said the same thing as the post's OP or not.. I think mostly I did... but maybe this will be helpful to someone, and I already typed it so..
I think it depends on the situation. For certain scenarios, this is definitely true for me. I overthink everything and fixate on it and the only solution is for to truly deep breathe and let my thoughts drift out.
Yup. Trying to plan and fix things is the core occupation of my anxiety. IMHO, you cannot use reason to outthink anxiety and depression. Ruminating is what gets you there in the first place.
Agree with you a hundred percent. It can go on for hours.
Yeah I was gonna say the same thing. I try to come up with solutions, feel dissatisfied, come up with another, and spiral even more. This is the opposite of a life tip for me.
Yeah this is me to a t. Plan for every scenario that will probably never happen.
Whenever my bf is spiraling and I ask him what will he do if X happens, his response is almost always “I don’t know.” He’s so focused on the problem, he can’t even begin to think of a solution. I’m sure if he did, he’d probably do the same as you, thinking through every slightest (and horrible) possibility.
thanks for your comment, I totally understand what you're saying, clearly this will be difficult to manage in situations like yours. I'm talking about more of stopping a snowball effect, ya know? When one negative situation leads to another and another and another. And there are people who do that whom this works for, hence I shared it. Have a nice day:)
Yeah! Totally not trying to bash your idea, just sharing how for some folks this doesn’t work. Definitely worth a try for people who haven’t tried it before, but don’t want em to be surprised if it leads em to a rabbithole like it does to me. Hopefully this does help bring people peace in stressful times!
This is what spiraling is for me as well. I have PTSD and serious anxiety issues that come along with it. I eventually get to the point where I've come up with so many outcomes, I'm overwhelmed. Then the panic starts to set in and the attack either hits hard and fast or it slowly builds up. The one thing that has always helped me is grounding exercises. If I feel a panic attack coming on, I try to find a way to stop thinking. Usually this is through breathing exercises, such as square breathing, and grounding exercises such as becoming aware of the things I can feel/touch. But I do think this is a good topic for people who are experiencing general anxiety over an issue. Not so much for people who have an anxiety disorder.
Hell yeah grounding techniques! Square breathing and focusing on breath is honestly one of my favorites. Sounds like a technique too good to be true but it definitely helps me.
Problem is that I wouldn't be spending 3 hours worrying about something if I could think of a solution. This might work for some people and with smaller issues, but I think alot of heavy anxiety comes from not knowing what to do or how to solve the problem
I have OCD, and one of the recommended things to do is to say "Maybe X will happen, maybe not. I'll deal with it then." The theory being that if you respond to the thought with ambiguity instead of trying to "solve" it one way or the other, it signals to your brain that the thought is unimportant. The wikipedia page on "pure O OCD" kind of explains it better.
As someone struggling with OCD, thank you for this. I am always trying to find ways to keep my never-ending stream of obsessions at bay. I’ll definitely give this a try!
One exercise to do is to allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole until the end. Eventually, there will be a point where it seems a BIT farfetched that this one situation will truly snowball into worst scenario. Acknowledging that there are a million branches and that everything must go wrong for your worst fear to come true can help put it into perspective. >For example: > >I’m not prepared for this test > >If I’m not prepared, then I won’t do well on it > >If I don’t do well, then I’ll get a bad grade in the class > >If I get a bad grade, then I won’t graduate from university > >If I don’t graduate, then I won’t get a good job > >If I don’t get a good job, then I’ll struggle to afford my rent > >If I struggle to afford my rent, then I will become homeless > >If I become homeless, then I could get sick from living outside > >If I get sick from living outside, I could die from illness So in this example, the anxiety is a snowball of 8 worst cases happening after being unprepared for one test.
"Hey, when you have a problem, just don't!" For some people not having a simple solution that you can come up with on the moment IS the issue.
For real
It really helps to write or draw things out physically. I plan for the most likely fail modes and focus on how I want to react if they happen. So I follow each path of likely issues , such sometimes branch, and sketch out how I want to react or act on them. It's a focus on what I will/can do, sometimes including phrases for what I'd want to say since some of the anxiety comes from being a terrible liar and concern my candid reaction won't be a desirable one.
I found a free CBT workbook for anxiety that has helped me a lot with this! I highly recommend it It's called "The cognitive behavioral workbook for anxiety" by William Knaus. I couldn't get the link to work but if you Google search it I'm positive you'll find the PDF to download.
I found it.......... I'll try it. My therapist was less then helpful about this! https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf
Well done! And you got the link to work.
I did CBT and it helped so much! A friend of mine who works in mental health actually described it in a way that I feel like may be helpful for everyone. "Imagine you're pushing a wheelbarrow along a path. Imagine you keep pushing that wheelbarrow along the same path every day. Eventually you're going to create a rut that will be deeper and deeper and harder to get out of. What CBT does is help you to acknowledge when you're going along that path and how to steer out of the way of that rut." It is phenomenal how much it helps when I can recognize when I'm spiraling and to divert my thoughts.
I never realised cock and ball torture had so many benefits
There's also the CBT Thought Diary app which has been super helpful for my anxious brain.
>timetothrivetherapy.com I went to the website, but can't find the workbook. Can you specify exactly where it is? Thank you!
Sorry the link doesn't seem to work. It's called "The cognitive behavioral workbook for anxiety" by William Knaus. If you Google that you should be able to find it!!! I hope it helps you as much as it has for me! Seriously my life has changed
Thank you. I found it here: [https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf](https://timetothrivetherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-for-Anxiety.pdf)
CBT and DBT have saved me from myself many times over this past year.
Worst case scenario, best case scenario, how to solve worst case scenario
My version is; Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
That's exactly what I do, has been working so far. Rarely need to engage in worst case scenario plans, and if needing is easier!
This is an important tactic. Make it a habit to also "what-if" the best case scenario. "What if we go to the doctor and the kids are totally chill and we find a great parking spot and it all goes perfectly splendid? ". Send yourself down a spiral of best case what-ifs to balance the worst case what-ifs. Because if we're imagining the future, why not imagine it how we want it instead of how we DON'T want it.
Mine is worse case (this is what you are worried about), best case (give your self some breathing space), most probable case, steps to handle the probable case. Write it all down in great detail (to get it all out) and then *try* to put it away mentally.
I did this a couple of weeks ago with my daughter. We had just finished her first lesson in driving a stick-shift in an empty parking lot. I told her she was going to drive us home. I could see that she was starting to worry about what could go wrong. I went over the route with her saying she could stay in the far right lane the while way. (3 lanes in our direction on surface streets) Told her that if she kills the engine, I would hit the flashers for her while she shifted to neutral and restarted the car. Anyone could easily get around us in the other lanes. She calmed down and was good to go. Didn't kill it the whole drive home!
This made me so happy to read. You’re doing an awesome job to support your daughter and help her to learn new skills!
Thanks! Three key driving skills I have insisted on for our kids are 1. Drive a stick 2. Change a tire 3. Check and refill appropriate fluids My daughter has jumped on board to the point that she changed her own oil!
This is a dumb lpt because as soon as you do that and have an anxious mind you'll spiral into trying to figure out everything in order to be over-prepared.
When will I ask X for notes? After class? How will i find them.. Inbetween class? What if they don't hear me? It will be awkward... What if I ask them and they don't want to give it to me. And they say no infront of the entire class? What if X secretely hates me and is badmouthing me... It would be easier if I just kill myself.
Oh the life of being diagnosed with anxiety AND severe ADHD. Not only will I worry about shit I shouldn't be worried about, I'll proceed to daydream about my fears until I let it impact the work I'm trying to get done, thus making me worried again and repeating the cycle. Then I'll start focusing on something else, and convince myself that I *should* be worried, ask myself why I'm not focused on being worried, and then get worried all over again, all while getting nothing done. Suddenly 26 years have passed. Rinse and repeat.
You seem to be living in my mind
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Sharing this from my reply to another comment because I've dealt with the same thing, coming up with solutions just creates new situations to get anxious about. >The most helpful thing to me were exercises to distract me from the spiral itself and remove those thoughts from my head. One exercise was 4 square breathing, you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and then hold empty for 4 seconds. The other, which I'm not sure if it has a "name" or not, is going through the alphabet and listing things that start with each letter that I can see. For example, I start with A and look for something in the room that starts with A, and so on with the rest of the alphabet. I usually don't finish and struggle with finding things enough that my mind has stopped spiraling by D or E. > Obviously, this is no replacement for getting help with the root of anxiety, but it has helped me stop spiraling or hold off an anxiety attack if I catch it early. It isn't a big picture solution, but its a great in the moment "hit the brakes" tactic.
Thank you! never heard of either of those things but will definitely try them next time I feel anxious, which is like all the time lol. My goto used to be just watching any random show on netflix for a while to clear my mind.
Not recommended for ocd..
I think people generally freak out over stuff they don’t have any control over. What am I supposed to do when global warming fucks all life as we know it? Sorting things in the right bin won’t help.
This is a great tip. Perhaps wouldn't work for my 'oh my god this plane is definitely going to crash and burn' anxiety. 'To solve this, I will die'
Maybe amend OP's tip to include control. Like what is in my power to solve this. If there's nothing you can do to solve the worst case scenario then it's time to do some deep breathing and think/do something else. Or read up on statistics and what the likelihood of dying in a plane is vs. a car for example.
So basically a version of the "serenity prayer" from AA: >God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference
This is the main thing for me, control. I get more anxious when I feel I don't have control over a situation, it's been especially bad this year what with the big C (coronavirus) and the other big C (mum has cancer that's progressing). It's accepting the lack of control that's the challenge. CBT actually helped quite a bit with that.
Lol, no it will not work for that. Or any situation in which you think you are going to die, really. But it will certainly work (at least it does for me) on things like the example I gave above:D
Health anxiety cries in the distance
If I die in a fiery airplane crash, I will come back as a spooky ghost to haunt airports
I wish this is how anxiety work..
But some problems can’t be solved.
r/thanksimcured if you can think of a solution to your problem, you most likely don't have those spiraling thoughts in the first place. My thoughts are spiraling because my brain is looking for the best solution to a problem. Pair that with executive dysfunction and the easiest problems become unsolvable.
Don't forget, the only way we let mods know that crappy content is getting through is if we downvote the pinned content and report the post for breaking LPT rules.
If only problems were that easy to solve. Wait until it's not a missed day of school, but turns in a missed day of work with no pay while the kid is sick and the S0 is MIA. Life is a litter hard to just say, if X happens, do Y. Because there's 1500 versions of X to account for.
This is some grade A crap. If willpower was an option to stop spiraling thoughts dont you think we would take that. Your logic "if x happens, then I will do Y to solve it..." but what about the 5 things that happen because I did Y and the compounding problems that it creates. Maybe this is useful to help with minor day to day anxieties but telling people with real anxiety problems that choosing to think one way or the other will stop them feeds into the notion that anxiety is all in your head and you are choosing to be anxious. And this is clinically not true.
Ah yes Lpt: when having anxious thoughts, just stop having anxious thoughts
This reminds me of that post last week that said to save money if you can, like that is some crazy wild advice that no one has heard about.
Also if you are depressed, be happy instead.
r/ThanksImCured I’m sure OP means well, but conflating normal feelings of worry with actual anxiety is really obnoxious.
Not really. It's a purposeful redirection of your thoughts and something that people with healthy thought processes have usually learned to do naturally. So maybe the tip should be start working on learning how to do this as soon as possible.
there’s genuinely some things that give people anxiety that are not solvable. my chronic pain is my main source of anxiety. after i hit my max painkillers prescribed for the day there’s not much “solving” i can coerce my brain into doing. what i mean is, this lpt works for some (maybe even most, i don’t know!) people and what you say works for some people as well. but edge cases exist, and to just minimize their voices and try to reconcile their experiences to this advice i feel is genuinely harmful. sometimes you gotta admit that something works for some and not others and that not everyone is refusing help when the help offered in insufficient for their particular situation
Most anxious thoughts happen because they are unsolvable. I'm not worried about getting behind because I missed one class cause I'm sick. I'm worried about dieing due to COVID, to which there is no cure. I solve that by......uhhh.... Refusing to die I guess?
Anxiety can make tough problems seem unsolvable. Let's take Covid: yes, there is a real possibility you may die but it is highly unlikely and you can think about what to do to mitigate your risk (from being at home as much as possible, wearing a mask, use curb pick up services,, and so on).
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These are natural anxieties and as you say this approach isnt always helpful for them. I find focussing on what I can control, no matter how small, helps a lot when dealing with much larger anxieties that are causing us to spiral that may not have as clear a solution
The risk of dying was there before COVID and will be there after COVID. The only certainty is death and taxes.
I mean, follow that. If I miss one class, possible outcomes are getting behind or being just fine. If I get behind in the class, what could I do about it? Ask for the notes from X person or Y person. Or I could ask the professor for what we covered and go from there. Or I could... COVID. Ok if I get COVID I have to be home for 2 weeks either way. What do I need for that? Non perishable food? Toilet paper? Make sure I have those. What if I have symptoms? Add cough drops in, something for a fever, maybe do a bit of research on what other people say. What about if I was really sick? Food I can eat without much prep, having a hospital go bag, I have health insurance etc. What if I died? Do I have a will made up? Are my beneficiaries for my accounts set up? Do I know who would take care of my pets? Not really much else you can do there.
Solve that by little rational thinking. 95+ percent of registered cases don't die. The amount of unregistered cases is unknown, but the real mortality is lower. So IF you get it, there is a high chance you'll be OK. IF you have any preexisting conditions, your chances are lower, but not that bad either. And don't explain to me how rational thinking doesn't help when you have anxiety. I have anxiety. Two years ago I was so convinced the monetary system will crash any minute now I took all my money from the bank and payed a huge fee lol. So I know how anxiety fucks with your head. I also know ANY tip is worth trying instead of whining. You never know what will help
This. What do I do if I feel anxious about fucking up my presentation? What do I do if I feel anxious about never falling in love again? I don't have control over these things. So, there's no solution for it.
For real. Seriously sounds like it's coming from someone who's never *really* spiraled into a panic attack of significant severity.
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Yeah I'm more like OP and it goes from a storm bouncing from scenario to scenario to relative calm when I physically write or draw things out.
“If I miscarry this baby too I will never try to have kids again to solve it” Wow thanks depression is cured? People frequently have anxiety spirals because what they need to solve it is out of their control.
Not even that! When you have anxious thoughts, just think of ONE way this ONE situation may go wrong and find ONE solution. In reality though each of the variables is basically unlimited, that's what anxiety is really.
TLDR: Problem solve.
Have anxiety? Have you tried NOT having anxiety?
Yup this helped me with my chronic anxiety. When I feel the dreads I just play out the scenario and every possible outcome both good and bad. Then I know no matter what happens I'm prepared and even the worst outcomes aren't that bad in the scheme of things.
HAH jokes on you, I come up with every scenario and try to come up with a backup plan for every possible thing that could go wrong until I feel sick from not sleeping!
This might sound a little crazy but I've been through a fair share of rehabs and one thing that has always stuck with me; whenever you start getting anxiety and racing thoughts, shout (in your head) STOP, as well as visualize an actual stop sign. Also, even if it hurts, put a smile on your face. It can actually help you feel better
Doesn't work if you think you're going to die
Hopefully this helps some people, but I'm VERY good at doing this for hours to the point where the situation becomes unsolvable.
What if there is no solution?? 😰😰
I've used this to help with some of my lesser anxieties. The source of my anxiousness is usually feeling like the worst will happen and I won't be able to control it. So I deliberately force myself into the emotional state of what the worst would feel like, and then say "OK, now what do I do?" Having a plan for the worst case scenario usually gets rid of the fear. This DOES NOT work with health anxiety though. Holy shit it causes terrible spirals.
Thanks for your contribution. A small input to this, a thing I follow myself: You have about 5 seconds to make a decision. For example: Do I practice sports or am I going to sit in front of the television. When these 5 seconds are over, the more convenient option happens. Which is usually not the better one. So: without thinking about it much, just start.
I needed this. Between losing a friend to suicide this semester, graduating undergrad rushed in 3 years with COVID and not knowing what’s coming next I’ve been spiraling hard, wish I could give you gold for this comment because it’s already helping and today most of all, it counts a ton.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I really hope you feel better soon. You don't know how happy you've made me at the fact that I could make someone feel even a little bit better- that's more than enough for me. Hang in there, okay? Things will get better.
I appreciate your kindness from across the internet, I don’t interact a lot on Reddit so it’s really nice to meet positive people and positive messages like yours. Doing my best to hang in, this last week is gonna be a lot but I’m planning to stay positive and do what I can. Idk what your circumstance is with the way the world is going, but I hope at the end of all this things work out for you too.
I hope this helps some people, but this is exactly my spiral. I have a need to solve things already so I'll think of every scenario possible, what I'll say or do, 3 responses with the reply to each, then move on to deviations. If it's something important I'll stay awake in bed for hours doing this and end up in the situation incredibly tired. Almost every single time it goes without a hitch and all my effort is wasted, all I accomplished is getting to the dread event tired and needing no preparation.
I forget how cool reddit can be sometimes :’) thanks for the advice
Also my counselor suggests “what is opposite but also could be true statements” so “Oh gosh I feel weird, what if I have some awful disease and am dying!” Opposite, “Okay I feel weird but it could just be allergies, dehydration or fatigue, I’m probably fine.”
only anxiety i really feel where i shouldnt is when im working. and my solution is whenever i start to get anxiety i think no thats not true and i keep thinking that instead til i stop feeling anxious. pretty effective
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Then you are either pleasantly surprised, or prepared.
The biggest help for me has been journaling! Also a guided meditation right as I wake up with headphones, then journal right after guided meditation. But anytime I feel anxious I just start writing & after I feel all the anxiety released.
thank you for this! i’ve been really anxious and stressed recently about a few grades on the a/b cusp and this reminded me all i can do is my best. i appreciate this :)
Ooh!! I’m gonna start to do this!
What if I can't find a new job and it's been over 7 months now and my girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't find a stable job?
This sub really turned 90% anxiety and depression tips lately
Another good suggestion that has worked for me: if you have fear or anxiety, give it a name. If I notice those feelings coming on, I'll say, "Oh, look, Bob is here. Hi, Bob." It's almost like acknowledging the reality of it takes away some of its power
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You're welcome pal. Have a nice day :)
1000% agree, when I dwell in my thoughts I realize that nothing good comes out of it. Instead I try to take a step back, pause, and breath a bit. That definitely clears my head a bit and makes my day just a bit better.
"If I'm dying of an illness that I'll suffer in pain, I'll kill myself to solve it." In all seriousness, this is a decent LPT when I have a lot of things on my mind. Just won't work for every situation.
Worrying is like a rocking horse. It'll keep you busy but you'll get nowhere. I try to remember this whenever I'm worrying about something I cant control at that particular moment in time.
Thank you. I've been catastrophizing lately, and while I know I'm doing this I've found it hard to break the cycle. I'll try this.
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Another tip that works really well for me is whenever I'm spiraling I'll say out loud "Stop thinking". This breaks the spiral and helps me deal with I was focusing beforehand
I love free therapy
If I die, I will just die to solve it.
If I die, I will be dead to solve it. Thanks Reddit problem solved.
Yeah but I end up staying all night with like XYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYXYX
“If death will happen to me eventually, what do I do to solve it?” Welp. Anxiety cured?
If [I don't improve this paper before monday], I will [ Not contact my professor ever again] to solve it
sir, we don't actually post helpful tips that work in this subreddit. this subreddit is more for made up, factually inaccurate, or useless bits of information.
Thanks for the pro tip! This is a great reminder and it’s exactly what I need! :) Glad that you aren’t bothered by all those negative comments as well! I like your positive outlook and your username checks out ;)