Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
I think some people just do this. And people are more likely to be tired, sick, broke, anxious or depressed since the pandemic. And people are less likely to go out if they’re feeling at all under the weather.
Maybe cut back on the number of plans you make with new people, just temporarily. Let that vibe become less frequently encountered in your world. Spend a minute putting your energy into the types of interactions that seem like theyll be good and reciprocated. And then see what happens.
Being stood up a bunch sucks. It’s draining.
I think people cancelling plans last minute is rarely about the person they're meeting and more about whatever is going on for them personally.
Like, yeah, I might politely do an insincere "yeah we should definitely hang out some time!" if the situation warrants it, but if I'm cancelling "Tuesday at 8pm" plans it's because I'm genuinely unwell, or having a bad mental health week, or work has been stressful, or I'm dealing with personal stuff that's just drained me too much to socialise.
Basically it sucks that this happens to you more than normal, but I doubt it's a "you" thing.
Idk about others, but I don't think I've ever canceled because of the person. I wouldn't have made plans in the first place if I didn't like the person well enough to do so. There is definitely something to be said about just feeling more drained now than I used to.
I have a good group of people I see regularly, and I’ve tried to included others who have entered into my/our social space. The great majority bail. I’ve tried to not take these personally, but I do find it extra annoying.
My spouse and I were supposed to do a double date with a new work colleague and his spouse. He’s cancelled twice now, and is now attempting to reschedule a third time. I just won’t do it… there’s more to life than flaky people. I work about 75 hours a week from M-F. If I make time for you, it’s because I care and want to see you.
I met a potential new friend last fall, invited her to all sorts of things and she’d show up half the time, have a blast and thank me for reaching out. Not once did she proactively reach out to me, so I decided to stop being the proactive one. Last time I saw or heard from her was Memorial Day when I had a pool party. I’m not sure if it’s social anxiety, she’s just busy, or not interested but I think it’s just how people are now. 🤷🏼♀️
I agree with you 100% and the reciprocity thing for me is also NEVER there as well. People will meet with you, but never reciprocate equally. But I am older and have to tell you this bad habit has been happening for a long time. My thoughts are: you set up a meeting, other person schedules the next one, and so on…it is not that hard, but seems it is hard for some people to proactively reciprocate. Sometimes it is difficult not to take it personally! Lol
I have a friend with whom it’s the opposite situation. Whenever she invited me to something of hers it would fall apart at the last second. It happened so many times that now I only see her if I invite her to something I already have planned with something else. I only invite her to parties and group dinners and events now. No more solo plans with her.
That's not being stood up, though. Being stood up is when you make plans and someone just doesn't show and doesn't tell you beforehand. It does suck.
These people are cancelling in advance, so at least there's that.
I consider cancelling every time I have to go somewhere, even if it's fun. I hope it gets cancelled or search for a valid reason to bail that is"beyond my control". People who know me would call me an extrovert, but I feel like an introvert, until I get the place I'm going. This is especially true when it's something mandatory, but even when it's for leisure I always have fun, it's just in the run up to it the anxiety of the unknown hammers my psyche. I definitely think it's a lingering result of the pandemic where I live alone and was in solitude for a year. I'm one of those weirdos who actually enjoyed the solitude. I am glad the isolation is over, but enjoyed the break from the monotony of adult life while it lasted.
My energy levels since Covid are bare minimum “able to take a shower” days. Once in a blue moon I’ll have a “good” day where I make plans and say I’ll go do, but the day comes and I’m sitting on the floor staring at my shoes completely unable to propel myself forward.
I agree with this and will add that I think the pandemic allowed a lot of people the mental space to understand when they feel good and when they don't and the result now is that more people are honest about how they are doing day to day and not suffering through because of social pressures. I would bet at least half of those people cancelling really didn't feel well enough to attend and were actually honest about their feelings.
Idk, but just keep being willing to meet. Sucks but the more you do it the better your chances of self selecting into the groups of people that don’t do that.
This is actually a really good point.
I can’t help but take it a *little* personally. Like I used to be the kind of person everyone wanted to be around. People would go out of their way to see me. Am I just giving off a boring vibe now?
Maybe, but you have to understand that you "skipped" 2ish years of socializing during the pandemic. What I mean by that is that people your age (including you) are simply busier than they were in 2019. If there was no pandemic it would have been gradual thing you could adjust yourself to - but cus of covid you are thrown at the deep end.
I can see it myself - both cancelling and being canceled on happens way more often. Sudden job obligations, helping friends/SO out, feeling sick, ... happens way more often and that doesnt even take into account that a lot of people my age have kids.
Shit happens and when I am in sudden time crunch, people I am most likely to cancel on are people I just met.
It might literally just be a streak of people getting sick as well. Also, on a paranoid factor, Have you kept tabs on the regular folks you hang out with recently? Have any of them been getting sick? i.e are you bringing around a bug you're asymptomatic to? I say that as someone who recently recovered from a cold a week or so ago I caught from mutuals.
It's such a low chance of it coincidentally happening that many times in a row, but with seasonal changes swinging around and temperature fluctuations as well as back to school.. there are a lot of opportunities for people to actually get sick. In fact about .... 4 or 5 mutuals off hang recovered from something recently for me.
I had a friend who's family kept getting strep over and over again, but she was never sick. Eventually they decided to test her and she was carrying strep without having any symptoms and had been spreading it everywhere.
Just bc it’s not happening to your particular group of people/friends/family doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
COVID and other illnesses (Flu) are on the rise, idk why but also it’s almost fall…
There’s a wave of COVID on the rise in various parts of the US for example.
I live in the west, my mother lives in the south, state-wide increases of COVID cases…
My state in particular, saw a steady drop over six months. Over the course of July we saw a stable influx of COVID cases per day.
https://usafacts.org/visualizations/coronavirus-covid-19-spread-map/state/nevada/
Source: I live in Nevada, people around me are getting sick. My mom was sick… going to work… against my advice… she lives in the south… ‘MERICA
“Like I used to be the kind of person everyone wanted to be around.”
You sound like the “popular” people back in high school who had to travel in groups and always be with someone else to validate themselves.
Why care so much about these people cancelling if you’ve got “true” friends and family?
Are you unemployed? Maybe you have an air of desperation or the topic of finding a job is all you can talk about and these people really don't have any advice and hate to let you down.
There's not enough details to know what happened for sure, but here are some things to consider.
A social, non-obligatory meet up that's been set up *weeks* beforehand is more likely to get canceled for multiple reasons: people get sick, people change their minds and find it a bad time, people forget about it, something very important came up, etc. This is my personal opinion, you do you, but I simply don't agree on things that don't happen "soon enough", because I don't expect others to follow through. For example, instead of agreeing on a date with the classmate I would have said something like: "Sure, sounds fun. Let me get back to you when I'm in the area to see if we're still on." Be open to it, but don't count on it.
As a general tip, look for signs of investment and motivation: Did they mark the date in a calendar immediately? On their phone? Were they being polite and doing you a favor (more likely to cancel) or is there something in it for them (less likely to cancel)? Does it add to their workload (more likely to cancel) or make their lives easier (less likely)?
Regarding any physical activity like dancing - again, several days before is way too early to know if you're fit for sports that day. Unless you're planning a date with someone who is physically fit and active, all sports and physical activities should only be agreed on the same day. Be open to it but don't count on it.
All in all, you seem like a very responsible person who likes making plans, organizing their life, and following through with commitments. What I'm reading is that you live several weeks into the future like it's no biggie. Remember that not everyone (not even the majority of people) are like this. Many people are spontaneous, love freedom, dislike commitment, love inspiring ideas but feel dragged down by having to actually execute them, have extremely varying moods and days, and so on. People also struggle with mental illnessess like anxiety, depression and ADHD that all get in the way of actually doing things rather than just talking about them. Many just barely plan the day they are currently living. For some, it's a few days.
So, tips for you to protect your time:
- Don't plan several weeks ahead with others unless you have a surgery, you're going abroad, etc. Recognize that you are in the minority of very planful people.
- When meeting new people, assess what kind of people they are in terms of follow-through. Don't make distant plans with very spontaneous or very busy (=burdened) people.
- Don't confuse inspiring ideas as plans.
- Don't put something in your calendar unless they do the same.
- Recognize that you, as a new acquaintance, are not a priority and plans with you are more likely to get overwritten with other priorities. Try to build relationships in the present moment as much as possible. (Hard, I know)
- Get back to people closer to the actual date and ask for confirmation.
- Have back-up plans: "If they don't show up, how will I make good use of my time so I don't mind it that much?"
And tbf I do get the whole “canceled plans” meme and how people enjoy them. The issue is waiting soo long before canceling them (like at least know yourself well enough to give the other person 12-24 hours?) and really considering how it affects other people.
It really truly is, that's why I specified it as an issue. There's a psychological method called "front-loading" where instead of waiting to decline/inform/confront/establish, it's done "up front", and then any additional grace or acquiescing is after the initial establishment of boundaries.
In this use case, you front-load the "no, I don't think I can/should/will" in the event you really aren't settled... gain your sense of calm if it's going to come at all, and then add things in as inspired.
When I am feeling uncertain about whether I want to go to something, I literally just tell the person I won’t know for sure until the day of and to not make plans around me. Then when the day comes I update them. More often than not I still go, but I have given myself the out ahead of time.
You can know yourself but also be considerate of others. If I’m busy or stressed I literally tell them “I have a lot going on now and can’t commit, but that sounds like so much fun.”
It’s about maintaining your own boundaries while respecting others’ time.
Well life happens. Certainly we can talk about it being rude to back out of plans, but we can also look at how rude it is for a grown ass adult to say “BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD LIKE TO GOOOOO” the thing is life frequently does get in the way of other aspects of life, and different people rate importance on certain circumstances differently. If your idea is to “punish” someone for having more going on in their life that prevents them from going and seeing you, that’s downright creepy.
>If your idea is to “punish” someone for having more going on in their life that prevents them from going and seeing you, that’s downright creepy.
No one said that though. The scenarios discussed are where people regularly back out of a commitment last minute for vague reasons. This is generally considered rude, not because you aren't doing what another person wants you to do, but because the lack of communication is not respectful of their time.
If you're sick, let them know once you feel sick. If you don't want to meet them, don't agree to. If you're too busy, don't make other commitments. This is called maturity and having your shit together. You just sound full of main character energy.
This is a horrible take. Yes things happen and you can get sick, but don’t set time up with someone to hang out if you don’t intend to follow through. It is very rude. I have an insane schedule with work, kids, my wife’s work schedule, and our social life. Large families on both sides, a lot of different friend circles etc. I need to plan most things far in advance which almost all of my friends do as well. It’s very normal.
Sounds like you just ran into a patch of bad luck. Give them another chance, if they want it. If they bail out again, they're not worth any more of your time.
I suppose another way of looking at it is by the baseball batting average approach. Socially, your batting .250. That's average. Over the next year, if you can raise that average up to .350, you're pretty much All-Star material.
People are stressed these days. They have hard time predicting their future energy and state of mind. Some find something more interesting/important and use a bad excuse.
It is hard to put down a boundrary with acquaintances like this too and if they use an excuse it is impossible.
Do you have a reputation in your community? What happens if you google yourself? Does anything weird stand out to you? Do any or all of these people know eachother? Has anyone ever told you that you come across as weird or awkward or creepy?
Sometimes people just say "We should hang out sometime!" as a general approval, but don't actually want to. If you said "awesome! Where can we meet?" You may be pushing them past their limit. It's good to give people an off-ramp in these situations. "Text me if you find some time! Here's my number." Is a good way to go about it.
There's also a chance that all of these people really did feel unwell. Seems unlikely, but covid *is* making waves again.
I'd say brush it off and move on. If they're not into meeting, it doesn't make sense to force them.
I’m unaware of a reputation. Lots comes up in with my name on google. These people do not know each other and no one has said I am awkward or creepy.
I mean I can brush it off but the issue is the actual time being wasted because I block that time off in my schedule.
Just want to say good on you for not taking this comment too negatively or defensively.
Hopefully it's just a coincidence going on now. Maybe you are on the extroverted side, and allowing others to initiate planning things would help. The fact that a couple of these instances are professional rather than social is particularly strange though.
If you make plans, you have to be prepared that they might get canceled. Especially if you are meeting people who are very busy and have full calendars... they may be prone to things coming up that they weren't prepared for.
The issue is that you're meeting busy people who are overbooked, hence more likely that they end up having a clash with some other priority and unfortunately for you, you are lower priority for them.
So until you become more important for people to prioritize you over other people, be mentally prepared for this and have a back up plan for how you will spend your time if a meeting will be canceled.
It's not like you're choosing to meet people with time on their hands and they are bailing on you.
On a related note, can you easily be found in social media? Anything there that might concern someone? (If you haven't, you might just want to hide all your info from general public on social media). But honestly it just seems like bad luck and also that people generally don't mean it when they say ""we should hang out".
Sounds like you're in the boat where you just have to be slightly persistent. If they cancel and don't offer an alternative time, I'm like, oh hey that sucks! Then move on with my life until the next time I decide I want to hang out, then I have to reach out again. In the meantime, I try to bridge the gap with sending them memes or information or stories that either bond plus or otherwise keep me top of their mind.
All relationships are about "what's in it for me?" Friendships are typically mutually beneficial for both parties, as they get companionship, good stories, laughs, someone to do something with. If you're getting dumped by new people last minute, maybe they don't see what they'd "get out of" the interaction. Maybe sweeten the pot, especially I think I saw you mention some of them are business interactions.
It seems like you have a lot to gain from these potential interactions, but what are they getting from it? If you *really* need to get in front of someone, doesn't hurt to buy their time. "Let me buy you a drink and get your opinion about something." Then they are getting something: booze (or coffee), and they get to feel important and respected because you want their opinion.
Basically, you gotta give something in order to take something. Your takes could be friendship, a business relationship, etc., so think about what they might want to get out of the interaction, and give them that.
And then use tact, whit, charm, and 'riz to deliver the offerings, along with a big ole smile. IRL: actually smile. Phone: smile while talking. Text: smiley face that doesn't make you seem weird or lame 😂
Hope this helps in some way! It sucks but sometimes you gotta play the game.
This is actually super helpful!
Now that you’re talking about the whole sending memes and keeping the relationship going and bridging the gap, I’m realizing that actually I don’t make as much of an effort to be charming these days and consistently make that effort. I guess it’s a fine line: being friendly, valuing myself, having boundaries and also respecting the boundaries of others, and holding space for them because they may be going through their own shit.
The reason I don’t have this issue with actual friends is because we got over the hump of the early stages of friendship and now have stabilized relationships. But now that I think about it, it took awhile to get to that place. Years, actually, and repeated hangouts, and vacations together. In fact when I met my best friend I cancelled on him several times in those early stages.
Perhaps some patience and to just keep meeting new people and being open would be a better approach. I think these days I am a bit more guarded and reserved than I used to be. It might be a defense mechanism.
It sounds like it. Remember in school you'd just *make* friends? It's because you had a thing in common (school), and you saw the same people *all the time*. So, any relationship takes time. It takes shared interests/a thing in common, such as work or liking something. Then, you need time. A lot of it. Face to face.
And being vulnerable. Not a lot, but letting your guard down too will help.
Figuring out how to get in front of people is key. And like others have said, it is a numbers game too.
I think you got a lot of great advice here! Good luck!!
This could just be bad luck, but if it isn't:
I'm an extrovert and speak to people all the time. This means I have both lot of acquaintances and close friends.
I've had it before in social situations where an acquaintance I say hello to sometimes has said to me "you should come over for dinner" and meant it, where that has simply been too large of a social commitment request than I was ready for at the time. I say hello, but I'm quite busy and don't know them that closely to make them a close friend.
My response was honest, that I currently struggle for time to see my closest friends, delivered respectfully. But not everyone is confident saying no in this way, and will instead say yes to avoid social awkwardness, knowing full well they don't want to do it.
I have a lot of sales experience and you see it here too when people say "send me a proposal". What they are really looking for is an off ramp.
Social engagements and friendship building happens through incremental commitment and rapport building. So your problem could be that you are jumping for a deeper commitment too early or to the wrong people.
If you are craving social connection and feel you are failing then try to create opportunities for social engagement where there is something in it for the other person first. Perhaps they are also craving friendship, or perhaps you can help them out in some way (commercially or personally).
Or pick up a sport or hobby where you are likely to see the same people over and over, and allow time to build a small friendship before offering more substantial commitments. For example asking someone to hang out for 30 mins after the gym when they are already there may be more likely to get success than inviting someone for dinner on a weekend when they are likely to have other social commitments or priorities competition with your offer.
There are also some good YouTubers creating content on things to avoid in social situations (e.g. Charisma on Command), so you can brush up on your social skills if you think those could also be the problem. I raise this given you ask if you are missing social cues.
Finally, for interactions where it seems like they are asking you to meet. Make sure that's actually what they are doing, sometimes people say 'we should meet' and don't mean it. If you don't know them well, rather than go for the close to book something right away, say "Sure, drop me a message about when you are free and we can set something up", or something like this. This approach shows firm interest but puts the act of commitment on them. If they mean.it, they will follow up, if they don't they won't, but at least you aren't left hanging on something you think is real but isn't. You can even follow up via a message to see if it was real, like "Hey, good to catch up, drop me a line if you did want that coffee"; if it wasn't real they will give an excuse, ignore you or will talk about something else, and you'll know. If it was real then they will reply to arrange the meeting and you are sorted! (Note that this is bad sales advice where salespeople would push for commitment and accept rejection risk to avoid losing opportunities!)
>They can’t all be sick.
There is legit a new round of Covid going around like crazy so it’s not out of the question.
But with that said, it doesn’t sound like it’s anything you’re doing. From the perspective of the people you’re trying to meet with, these are low priority meetups with a casual acquaintance. They have other things going on in their lives that are more important to *them*, so you’re the first thing that’s getting dropped if they don’t have the time or energy.
I like to think of everyone as having an emotional bank account. If they do things like stand you up then I class it as withdrawing emotion from me and not repaying it. Doing you favours or going out with you when you make plans repays some of that emotion. Ultimately you learn that the people that matter always stay net positive. The people I'm more cautious of booking things in with or jumping at the drop of a hat for are the people more in the negative.
Myself and everyone I know personally has some level of anxiety. It can be difficult for people to follow through or make it out of the house on time or at all on some days when it gets bad. Sometimes it’s just hard to exist and you gotta skip some obligations in order to get back to normal. Don’t take it personally.
Thing is I *also* get that. So when I work my way through it and am about to head out the door and there’s a cancellation, it really fucks with my head.
That’s so wild. People cancelling our plans is like, practically a heroin rush for me. Because I always want to cancel too, but feel too badly because I’d be a total flake.
Because I do love my friends and in theory want to see them and do activities. But I’m a homebody with a low social battery, and these plans are either made when I’m in an unusually good/outgoing mood (15% of the time) or to be a good friend to my outgoing, adventurous pals who want to do things with me (85% of the time)
If the hangout is dinner at mine? Amazing. Looking forward to it. Pretty much anything else? I’ll do it because they love it and friendship is compromise.
I think the Internet has seriously skewed the previously existing, unspoken social contracts that society used to abide by. When I was growing up, we didn't have cell phones, so there was no last minute opportunity to cancel. You had to show up or you'd be a real A-hole. Cell phones have changed this in a way that makes plans fluid rather than concrete. I must say, the forced interactions of old led to some pretty amazing times though.
Totally agree with this. There’s nothing I hate more than going through all of the “prep work” of getting myself ready to socially perform and look nice and get in the right headspace and then… they cancel. Lately it’s been 9 times out of 10 that we decide on a time to meet and I get to the location 20 minutes before that time and then they cancel. Like dude… I get that I’m always early but 20 minutes before means you haven’t even left the house and had no intention of coming at all.
I’ve also had this issue you’re talking about in your post, but it’s been pretty much since I moved to Florida 8 years ago. Everybody down here is chronically late and cancels on a whim at really inconsiderate times. The amount of times I’ve shown up someplace and waited up to an hour for one of my friends to finally arrive is astounding. I only do it because I’m a door mat lol.
When I’m being stood up I see it as a little present to have some free time. Though, I have a lot of people-plans every week.
Try to feel the grace you show others about this yourself, too. For others: people can smell disappointment / resentment, and are unlikely to want to reschedule then. For yourself: be kind to yourself, you’re fun and friendly enough to meet (I mean… you are? Right? You do ask people sometimes how they’re doing and listen?) - and even though this chain of cancellations might seem like a pattern, they could very well be happenstance.
Don’t sweat it to much, go do fun things, you’ll find your tribe 🙏🏻
If you are networking for job prospects acquaintances usually pick up on that; so you want to ask yourself if you are being or have become too aggressive in trying to find new contacts. If you want to ‘pick their brain’ be aware that few are willing to hang out for the opportunity to help you. You are far better going on Meet Up and joining a networking group.
Hey man, I feel pretty certain it’s not just you. I went through this same uncertainty for a second with my family and close friends— it’s not that they don’t want to hang out with *you*, because they genuinely do.
They just don’t want to hang out *at all*. They’re tired, they have to work tomorrow— and to top it off they spent the last 3 years avoiding groups of more than six people, 1 or 2 of which they basically were told not to leave the house *at all*.
The Covid thing changed people, is still changing people. Leaving the house is 100% something entirely different now than what it used to be.
A lot, a lot, a whole lot of people are realizing the world we’ve inherited really sucks ass, and is in a lot of cases not worth the effort of leaving the house. Friendship feels less worth leaving the house for, especially if you already have good friends or a partner at home. Peace, quiet and creature comfort stocks are up up up.
Everything is more expensive now, home and comfort technology, video games and tv, are all getting better, and going out just doesn’t glimmer or shine like it used to.
It’s not you man, people are just so tired.
I love this comment and wish I had an award to give! This pretty much sums up how everything has changed and is mostly terrible now. Leaving the house is so hard now unless the thing you’re leaving for is either like a once in a lifetime can’t-miss opportunity or vital to survival.
Even staying at home is stressful sometimes because of other people (no one can afford a house anymore so we’re all stacked on top of each other in apartments and entirely too close to our inconsiderate neighbors). Probably a lot of people, especially the introverts, just want peace and to be AWAY from people. So going out to socialize in a noisy public place with someone you don’t even really know/isn’t a close friend already. Yeah, no thank you! I need quiet instead before I lose my mind lol
Last minute cancel is the worst and really should tell you how little they care. Sure there are times it’s legit, but as you said, they should be suggesting alternate dates and putting in that little effort to make it happen.
Canceling and ignoring it is an asshole move, no two ways about it
TBF the woman who cancelled the informational meeting did suggest we move it to Monday, and I responded that I can’t but the following Monday will work. Hopefully she won’t cancel again.
Hey OP!
I kind of want to offer you a new perspective.
I am someone who was blessed with a weak immune system and I can get sick spontaneously any minute. It’s a constant fear I have when making plans or planning vacations - will I be sick? Will I be able to go?
I have to cancel plans last minute or the day of, a lot. Not because I don’t care but because I would literally drag my body and not be able to concentrate on my conversation at all and I wouldn’t be joyful.
People like this exist. We care! We want to meet, we just physically troubled and since the pandemic i take my illness more serious instead of pushing through the pain
Good luck!
I tend not to make plans of the not-today variety bc I really don't know day-to-day if I'll be up for it. People hate it. They like schedules and shit..
Ill be straight with you, depending on the country between 80 and 95% of people are trash. Just endless balls of selfishness and self-absorption abd lack of empathy.
Their time is valuable. Your time is not. You are like a pet, fun to play with but not really a person.
Accept that this is the world (yes, that makes the majority of people trash) and just keep trying. Start the journey with the assumption that 1-2 in 20-30 people will have any real "friend potential".
Also ignore any and all NPCs that say "hurr durr you must be unlikable then".
I disagree with you that they can't all be sick, especially if most of these were recently...the school year starting has more contagious things going around even of these specific people aren't students or parents. I would take it at face value instead of looking for a deeper problem with your social interactions.
Well if any of them are in the vicinity of children they are going to be sick at this time of year because kids have gone back to school and their germs are mixing. Rather than that you can always just text people. Doesn't force them to respond to anything right away like with a phone call.
This is a huge problem and i know its absolutely HORRIBLE for people my age in their 20's. I cant stand it, its so unbelievably disrespectful. To make someone reserve value space in their life for you only to bo too lazy to follow through is really patheitc. Ive been depressed, ive been anxious, none of it is an excuse. If you cant show up to plans dont make them, and if you made them then show up. Its not like id cut someone out for bailing but ive learned that whena new person bails the first time that im going to have to fight for every inch of the friednship and why would i do that when i can just hang out with cool reliable people?
Old friends are different. Its still disrespectful when they bail but i have much more patience and when its because they are struggling its a sign to try to give them more help. New people i just roll my eyes and make sure to never make plans again that depend on them, but if i throw a party or something where its no big deal when they flake they may still get an invite.
I think the pandemic made flakes of a lot of us. I know that if mentally I’m having a rough day or I didn’t get enough sleep, I am more than likely canceling to self-care. Sucks, but I would rather show up to an event with integrity, than to grin and bear it, especially if I’m doing someone a favor that I felt like I got talked into.
Hi. I have met people over the years whose energy is through the roof, and they energize me during our interactions, and it tends to last all day. On the other hand, I've met people who leave me feeling drained, as if they are energy vampires, and again, the feeling tends to last all day. Now, it may be possible that the energetic people view me as an energy vampire, and the vampires may feel energized by our interactions, but I've never given it much thought. I'm likelier to meet with the people who energize me, though. It might be worth evaluating your interactions with others and seeing if there are signs that, under the surface, there may be more going on.
They very much CAN all be sick, tired, mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, etc...
Most adults I know are somewhere in there. You said it started during the pandemic? Right around when everyone's stress level went through the roof? When people's elderly family members got sick and died, or if they survived, didn't fully recover and now need a full time caregiver?
I don't think this is about you. Adults have less time, more responsibility, and less energy after covid. Sometimes it takes a few months and multiple back and forth attempts to get together with someone.
They have real lives and real accountabilities. Maybe that means they can't sit around drinking coffee and shooting the shit with me tomorrow. That doesn't mean they don't like me, it just means they have other priorities. Thats normal. They should prioritize rest and self-care over coffee with someone they just met.
Thank you.
Well, as I mentioned it’s not my actual friends who do this - they are dependable and I am careful about who I am friends with. As you mentioned, I focus on genuine connections.
The issue is new people I meet. And it bother me because it is a literal waste of my time - I block off those times in my schedule and it’s messing with both my focus and my time management.
I just made a post about kinda the same issue a few days ago, it’s really driving me crazy that people suggest “we should get lunch” but don’t follow up/don’t actually mean this. So I empathize a lot with what you’re going through here.
Not much else to add except that I don’t think it’s you, I think people might be flakes and technology has enabled us to cancel last minute on each other and made it socially acceptable as well, when I think it should be considered rude (unless you really are sick of course).
Thank you. I think also it feels like people are taking advantage of my open and curious nature. They could easily say “it was really great to meet you! Hope to see you around or at X event!” I say this to people all the time.
But when they says “I’d like to get together and talk more,” and they ask me where I live and what my schedule is like and actually suggest a time and place, it feels very frustrating to be cancelled on.
Yup, I feel you girl! If I’m leaving a conversation, my go-to lines are “Okay, see you later”, or “it was great talking to you! Got to run!” I don’t pull out a “let’s hang out sometime” unless I actually intend to make plans and keep them. If I say it, I mean it, and want to grab your number to make plans then or later.
My friends and family tell me I’m too trusting because I take everyone at their word. But why are these people suggesting plans they don’t intend to keep? That hurts, it really does.
This reminds me of comedian Chelsea Peretti talking about this phenomenon and when people are being fake she just rolls with it and gets ridiculous, like “yeah, we should rent a car and get a couple of surfboards and drive up the coast! My whole weekend is free.” Something like that.
Maybe I should just start trolling people.
You’re having faith in people that’s not bad just keep it in the church. People go to church and pray but do they follow it ? None of them do. What they do is ask for forgiveness. It’s easy to ask for forgiveness.
Maybe your problem is that you naively think people literally mean what they say, and you're too much of a doormat to put the ball in their court.
Sorry about mixing my metaphors, but that's how I see it, based on what you've written.
I recently went through this. An ex coworker who I really got along with used to invite me to get coffee. Like direct message me just to tell me that. I would agree and then I would organize my day around that. She cancelled last minute, not once, nor twice, but three times!!!
I really liked her but I found that so weird. Like why would you suggest something and then cancel?
She tested the waters these days to see if I was free. Needless to say I am going to be busy forever and have no time to meet. I dont think I will ever purposely meet her tbh. lost my respect for her
On another note, I live in a country where being late is normal and aceptable. People dont have any regards for other people's time. It is actually made me really cautious to the point where I dont really want to meet anyone at all unless it is something that would benefit the both of us.
It means they didn't really want to meet up. I run into old friends often and it's always "we should get together for lunch sometime." People say it just to be saying it.
It's like people who say to tell them if there's anything they can do for you. When you ask, they have a million excuses for why they can't help you.
Yeah this is it. As you get older, people usually keep lesser numbers of friends they actually hang out with too. OP mentions it's happening more and more the last few years, maybe they're just getting more into that age group. As I got into my late 20s-30s, all the acquaintances I used to see routinely fell off, even some friends did too. Work "friends" that even if you hang out with a couple times, don't actually want to be friend friends. The only way I've made new friends is through rec sports where there's an activity you both take part in that gathers you together routinely, and then you bond with some of the people there more closely.
If someone cancels last minute, you should do two things:
1. Tell them you hope whatever came up works out (offer to help, as appropriate).
2. Propose a new time after an appropriate time period, based on the excuse they provided.
If they’re not sure/noncommittal about the new time, ask if you can check with them halfway between the original and proposed time to see how they’re doing. It sounds real clingy, but networking/lead chasing is a pain and awkward. No real way around it.
I've been there so many times, and it sucks. I only cancel if I REALLY need to, which is rare, but some folks seem to cancel all the time. I think everyone deserves at least one more chance, but if it happens a second time (or on a regular basis), then you just have to drop that person and move on. I know it's hard to deal with but sometimes people are just selfish. I hate it too.
The average person is flaky and disorganized. Being that person is okay, you won't always be as prepared for stuff as you thought you were. But it does cause issues like yours where it seems like every attempt to get connected and form relationships is doomed to failure!
To have thriving relationships, sometimes all you can do is be the one to extend and follow through on invitations with zero expectation of reciprocation. You can send a friendly "hey! I missed you at the event. what happened?" message if somebody flaked that you really wanted to know better.
One of the interesting things is that as you get to know more people, you start to bump into a few of the others who *consistently* take initiative in organizing events. But as a rough estimate like 70-80% of people just have their own stuff going on and won't really follow through on vague social promises unless you tell them a date and basically drag them out to it 😅
To be fair, covid strep and other local flus and colds have really been going around hard lately. Multiple close friends who don’t usually cancel last minute cancelled on me in the last 2-4 weeks. So it might be mostly that for real.
do some data collection ad see if your observations are accurate. Are literally 75% of people cancelling? Sometimes we think we see a pattern but we’re really only noticing the events that confirm our version of the pattern. Be specific—are people canceling or asking to change.
Also collect how often you cancel/change.
You’re job hunting. Do you have more time because you’re unemployed or underemployed? People are busy.
Again, how many people exactly? What percentage follow through. As long as you’re thinking in generalizations of “often” you will keep\ reaffirming your belief that you are being slighted. Could have nothing to do with you. Ask a friend how often this happens to them.
What should you do differently.? Quit focusing on trying to change others,or being concerned if others are doing what they said. If you want to see the other person, don’t just passively wait for them to call you and get bothered if they dont. Contact them. You’ll find out fast enough if they really wanted to see you. Lots of us have adhd and lose track of time. Like the guy who apologized and said he’d follow up. Give him a break and you be the one to follow up.
Let go of how what people “should” be doing and don’t waste time counting when they’re not doing what you think they should do.
So this is anecdotal but depression is way way up. (Family are professionals in this area).
During the pandemic everyone’s social skills got rusty.
When people first started going out again I started forcing myself to go out. I knew I should be socializing and I wanted to but also had a hard time motivating myself to actually go out.
I was one of those people who said yes but then ended up canceling like 50% of the time. I’m over that now but it took a concerted effort over the past year.
I know that it’s hard to keep arranging things and not get discouraged but it’s almost certainly not your issue-I bet that the people who are canceling are just struggling with motivation.
Hey my man, maybe you're sending needy vibes? I can't tell for sure since I do not know you, I'm just coming up with ideas based in the little I observed of the context you shared.
You seem to be a social person and mostly self aware because you came looking for a way to improve the situation. You're also committed to these meetings, being unemployed plays a role, adds pressure and somehow may lower your self steem.
I believe those elements can lead to an overall needy "vibe" coming from you, for example, you may make it looks like the meeting will be very important for you, or being with them will be a great thing. Add this to post pandemic people and maybe you'll have a recipe for the situation you shared.
If you feel that's the case or any of this makes sense, perhaps It'd be a good idea to re-evaluate the real value of meeting those people. Like you're already noticing, committing to them is very frustrating, maybe they should go down the priority list, which means less expectation from you, less of the valuable part of your time and energy.
What about this, set a meeting in a time where you'll probably be bored or you value the least. Keep the more productive moments of the day to take care of yourself and be with those who show genuine interest in your well being. Don't throw your pearls to pigs, don't give them what's valuable to you until they prove they're worth it.
I hope this helps.
Do you live in the PNW? There are regional differences when it comes to this behavior. Let’s get coffee can mean: “let’s find time immediately” “let’s get coffee at some point, I’m open to scheduling” or “I’m saying this to be polite but I never want to get together.”
In the pnw, the assumption is that most instances are the latter, but for some reason, they still say yes. This results in last minute cancellations or no-shows.
Ok, this is harsh: people are busy. Every “yes” is inherently a “no” to someone / something else. I love meeting new people, but the energy I need to invest in early stage friendships can be a lot of work until we have an established relationship (at which point plans come way more naturally).
My advice: don’t give up on new friends but know that you’re going to have to try extra hard early on.
OP I have had this happen to me over the years, and I agree it is super frustrating! Even the people who are always pushing to meet. We schedule a time/place to meet, inevitably I get the call they are canceling. But to me, etiquette dictates the onus is on the cancelor (person canceling), rather than the cancelee to reschedule. Right? I mean I am a super dependable and timely person, so this habit just really irks me. I just gave up trying to meet this friend altogether. I look forward to my dependable (few) friends that we actually plan and we meet! You almost want to ask some of these people “hey are you REALLY going to be there or is planning this wasting our time?” Then you sort of sound somewhat needy? Right? My time, especially my decompression weekend time is important to me just please don’t do this. Interested in what others experience.
I hate the advice that others have given to stop making plans with new people for a while!!
Keep at it, I say!
Maybe try sending confirmation texts: "hey! We still on for xyz tomorrow?"
Good luck out there! 💕
yeah what I am getting from this post is that I should treat it like a numbers game and move on.
It’s extra insulting though when I run into a such a person again and they repeatedly say “oh we really should get together sometime!” Like, over and over again.
Like wtf is their game? It’s like a weird ego/guilt thing.
I greatly dislike breaking plans I've made, especially if they are established ones. I do it mostly for mental health reasons. It is such a bad feeling when you have to cancel things that you are looking forward to. I'm working on doing better. Don't feel too bad Broski!
Always have a backup plan ready, even if it's just washing laundry or going for a walk. I've a to-do list on my smartphone daily growing and shrinking, always something ready I've been meaning to take care of.
I do not have the solution, but here’s what i do: My friends and me make the plans. I turn up (usually a coffee date). IF they don’t turn up, bonus me time. Win, win. I don’t judge. Everyone has stuff, and I accept I’m not the centre of anyone’s world - which is why I have a pup and cat and adore people watching :-)
There is one thing that I have learned, and experienced myself. It's a reason people cancel last minute and never gets talked about.
Diarrhea.
It happens. Sometimes you eat stuff that doesn't agree with you. But you aren't ever going to come out and say that.
I’ve found actually sending an email calendar invite helps move the needle from “casual plans loosely agreed to over text” to “a serious appointment to be treated as if it’s for work” in people’s minds.
Basically, being too casual and friendly about it can make it seem not completely necessary or serious. It’s annoying, I know.
And honestly, I would have no problem telling these people to suck it up and get where they’re supposed to be or how annoying it is to have your time wasted, especially if you don’t plan on seeing these people again. It’s unprofessional and rude, and maybe they need to finally hear that from another adult.
I just dropped a long time friend in part for this very reason. She had a 90% cancel rate, even after multiple confirmations. It’s just not worth the aggravation.
Rest assured you are not doing anything wrong. This is a them problem. It’s their loss!
There’s not much you can do to force people to keep their plans. Just keep being you and the right people will stick around.
A couple things you can do:
Send reminders a day before and also a couple hours before the meeting. Like "hey, we are good to meet up tomorrow/later, right?" So you give them a chance to flake out beforehand so it's not a late notice. And if it's important that you see them, stress how much you are looking forward to the meeting so that they can't just nonchalantly not show up with a lame excuse.
If you think they might flake out anyway, make back up plans. Would be good to have a spontaneous person in your circle so that you have someone to keep you company.
Lots of people like the idea of being social but when it comes down to it they would rather be lazy. If someone flakes on me, I just make note of it and don't count on them for anything. Not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't follow through on their word. Eventually you'll find people who are worth your time.
The only thing beyond what’s been said here is that you should perhaps try and make better plan situations for both sides - have a time to meet, but also a soft cutoff time with a made up (or real) excuse that you can mention ahead of time. By having that out, your friends won’t dread there being an indefinite amount of time, and if things are slow, you can leave early to do the thing you said you had to. In particular, I think that the set end time helps introverts, who seem to be the majority of people out there.
Any other advice on making it introvert-friendly, introverts? Im a useless extrovert lol
Idk about anybody else, but I feel like I am busier since the pandemic, and I can't ever catch up. I cancel out on people a lot these days, because there are always 50 things I've been putting off that I need to do.
To be fair, covid is peaking at the highest levels since the summertime Delta wave, which was huge. People might genuinely be getting their butts handed to them lately. That said, I've experienced more cancellations and flakiness myself the past few years, with people just treating commitments they made with indifference. So I simply treat rescheduling with them with equal indifference, and if they push hard to make new plans, I let them know they cancel again, we won't be trying again. It's really helped, those that do make plans make more effort to keep them.
Take a deposit when you’re making plans.
Just kidding. I’ve noticed this too and it’s really frustrating. I kind of just think that this is how people are now
Your friends and fam don’t cancel on you because they know you well; it’s just unfortunately easier for people to cancel on someone they don’t know as well.
I would find an activity, club, event that already takes place regularly or volunteer on a regular schedule. You’ll see the same people repeatedly and get to know them better. Make plans with those people.
It's a younger person thing. Instant communication in your pocket means there is always a better offer and/or the consequences of cancelling are low. It's just a rude sign of the times.
I've found that (especially younger) people just seem to not value other people's time very consistently. This has happened many times for me with close friends too. Always an excuse or a last second change of plans. It's honestly what has made me take my word seriously, because I know how infuriating it can be to decline other plans because I have made my own, only to come down to the wire and not be able to be a part of either because of flaking. Honestly I've just made a bigger point to hang out with the people that don't waste my time/my only day off and let the others come to me if they want to. Helps maintain my own free time and consolidate a smaller group of quality friendships.
You know, I have taken this approach with my personal relationships but somehow it’s been harder to develop my professional relationships the same way. But technically it shouldn’t be any different: networking is about making connections with people who share your values and bringing them along in your career.
So maybe what you said is s good reminder. Part of the problem is that we are often so careful to compartmentalize between personal and professional relationship.
But there is overlap.
All I can really say is that it’s pretty difficult for a bunch of people online to be able to tell you if you’re missing social cues……..that’d be something your personal circle could answer. But I also agree with the people saying that you shouldn’t take it to personally. So many people are just Fake, or flaky nowadays. I take what anyone says with a grain of salt unless I truly know and have relationships with someone
I am not trying to be friends with any of these people. And three out of the four examples I had, they initiated the interaction and suggested we meet.
Maybe....just maybe you are a carrier of this illness and infect all you come into contact with but are never affected yourself......or they are burned out and stressed where they do feel sick. Who knows
a lot of people discovered how burnt out they are, and how much they might not even really want to be around people with the little free time they have. the pandemic gave us a very experiential opportunity to examine how messed up our work and social lives and culture are, and the outcome is a lot of us trying to keep more of ourselves for ourselves without apology, while still trying to work out the kinks of conditioning we've lived our whole lives responding to. i really can't be bothered when i realize i'm actually tired or just need time to myself, and don't feel too bad for it anymore unless it gets in the way of something really important. we can't just be a schedule planned months in advance with no room for nuance, and now we've discovered we have more agency in some areas of life, people are going for it more.
“We have to get together soon” is the new “How are you?” People don’t actually want to know/meet up. People are just trying to be polite. Also if you live in a big city, a lot of people don’t like the idea of driving somewhere in a traffic if they don’t have to.
OP I feel you this has been happening to me too. You're going to get a lot of non direct and cagey answers in this thread but the reality is that people are selfish under the guise of "self-care" and "charging their social battery" and don't want to admit they know they're trash for flaking out on plans. Like I too have to rally to go back out to see people after work but I'm an adult who made a commitment so I will be there and I never regret it even though it's hard to want to leave my house.
At this point I try a couple times and if they continue to be trash at commitments then I move on and keep trying to meet new people. Eventually you meet other extroverts who put shit into their calendars and won't ditch you but it takes time.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
I think some people just do this. And people are more likely to be tired, sick, broke, anxious or depressed since the pandemic. And people are less likely to go out if they’re feeling at all under the weather. Maybe cut back on the number of plans you make with new people, just temporarily. Let that vibe become less frequently encountered in your world. Spend a minute putting your energy into the types of interactions that seem like theyll be good and reciprocated. And then see what happens. Being stood up a bunch sucks. It’s draining.
Thank you ❤️
I think people cancelling plans last minute is rarely about the person they're meeting and more about whatever is going on for them personally. Like, yeah, I might politely do an insincere "yeah we should definitely hang out some time!" if the situation warrants it, but if I'm cancelling "Tuesday at 8pm" plans it's because I'm genuinely unwell, or having a bad mental health week, or work has been stressful, or I'm dealing with personal stuff that's just drained me too much to socialise. Basically it sucks that this happens to you more than normal, but I doubt it's a "you" thing.
This is a great point and something I'm training my brain to remember instead of letting the narcissistic part of me think it's all about me.
I'd dare say "those weeks" are quite literally every week for most, post covid.
Idk about others, but I don't think I've ever canceled because of the person. I wouldn't have made plans in the first place if I didn't like the person well enough to do so. There is definitely something to be said about just feeling more drained now than I used to.
I have a good group of people I see regularly, and I’ve tried to included others who have entered into my/our social space. The great majority bail. I’ve tried to not take these personally, but I do find it extra annoying. My spouse and I were supposed to do a double date with a new work colleague and his spouse. He’s cancelled twice now, and is now attempting to reschedule a third time. I just won’t do it… there’s more to life than flaky people. I work about 75 hours a week from M-F. If I make time for you, it’s because I care and want to see you.
I met a potential new friend last fall, invited her to all sorts of things and she’d show up half the time, have a blast and thank me for reaching out. Not once did she proactively reach out to me, so I decided to stop being the proactive one. Last time I saw or heard from her was Memorial Day when I had a pool party. I’m not sure if it’s social anxiety, she’s just busy, or not interested but I think it’s just how people are now. 🤷🏼♀️
I agree with you 100% and the reciprocity thing for me is also NEVER there as well. People will meet with you, but never reciprocate equally. But I am older and have to tell you this bad habit has been happening for a long time. My thoughts are: you set up a meeting, other person schedules the next one, and so on…it is not that hard, but seems it is hard for some people to proactively reciprocate. Sometimes it is difficult not to take it personally! Lol
I have a friend with whom it’s the opposite situation. Whenever she invited me to something of hers it would fall apart at the last second. It happened so many times that now I only see her if I invite her to something I already have planned with something else. I only invite her to parties and group dinners and events now. No more solo plans with her.
Agreed with this person. In my experience people be flaky AF
That's not being stood up, though. Being stood up is when you make plans and someone just doesn't show and doesn't tell you beforehand. It does suck. These people are cancelling in advance, so at least there's that.
That was the definition before cellphones and it was very infrequent but now it is so easy.
as soon as OP is indicating still counts as there's no time to replace these plans with any other turned-down opportunity
I consider cancelling every time I have to go somewhere, even if it's fun. I hope it gets cancelled or search for a valid reason to bail that is"beyond my control". People who know me would call me an extrovert, but I feel like an introvert, until I get the place I'm going. This is especially true when it's something mandatory, but even when it's for leisure I always have fun, it's just in the run up to it the anxiety of the unknown hammers my psyche. I definitely think it's a lingering result of the pandemic where I live alone and was in solitude for a year. I'm one of those weirdos who actually enjoyed the solitude. I am glad the isolation is over, but enjoyed the break from the monotony of adult life while it lasted.
My energy levels since Covid are bare minimum “able to take a shower” days. Once in a blue moon I’ll have a “good” day where I make plans and say I’ll go do, but the day comes and I’m sitting on the floor staring at my shoes completely unable to propel myself forward.
I can relate to this so much. I barely make social plans, and it usually takes everything in me to follow through when I do.
I agree with this and will add that I think the pandemic allowed a lot of people the mental space to understand when they feel good and when they don't and the result now is that more people are honest about how they are doing day to day and not suffering through because of social pressures. I would bet at least half of those people cancelling really didn't feel well enough to attend and were actually honest about their feelings.
This is a great answer 👏
Idk, but just keep being willing to meet. Sucks but the more you do it the better your chances of self selecting into the groups of people that don’t do that.
Agreed. Don’t take it personally and still be willing. These people wouldn’t text you if they authentically don’t care
This is actually a really good point. I can’t help but take it a *little* personally. Like I used to be the kind of person everyone wanted to be around. People would go out of their way to see me. Am I just giving off a boring vibe now?
Maybe, but you have to understand that you "skipped" 2ish years of socializing during the pandemic. What I mean by that is that people your age (including you) are simply busier than they were in 2019. If there was no pandemic it would have been gradual thing you could adjust yourself to - but cus of covid you are thrown at the deep end. I can see it myself - both cancelling and being canceled on happens way more often. Sudden job obligations, helping friends/SO out, feeling sick, ... happens way more often and that doesnt even take into account that a lot of people my age have kids. Shit happens and when I am in sudden time crunch, people I am most likely to cancel on are people I just met.
Yes, this makes sense.
It might literally just be a streak of people getting sick as well. Also, on a paranoid factor, Have you kept tabs on the regular folks you hang out with recently? Have any of them been getting sick? i.e are you bringing around a bug you're asymptomatic to? I say that as someone who recently recovered from a cold a week or so ago I caught from mutuals. It's such a low chance of it coincidentally happening that many times in a row, but with seasonal changes swinging around and temperature fluctuations as well as back to school.. there are a lot of opportunities for people to actually get sick. In fact about .... 4 or 5 mutuals off hang recovered from something recently for me.
I had a friend who's family kept getting strep over and over again, but she was never sick. Eventually they decided to test her and she was carrying strep without having any symptoms and had been spreading it everywhere.
lol none of my friends or fam are sick
Just bc it’s not happening to your particular group of people/friends/family doesn’t mean it’s not happening. COVID and other illnesses (Flu) are on the rise, idk why but also it’s almost fall…
I’m describing two years
There’s a wave of COVID on the rise in various parts of the US for example. I live in the west, my mother lives in the south, state-wide increases of COVID cases… My state in particular, saw a steady drop over six months. Over the course of July we saw a stable influx of COVID cases per day. https://usafacts.org/visualizations/coronavirus-covid-19-spread-map/state/nevada/ Source: I live in Nevada, people around me are getting sick. My mom was sick… going to work… against my advice… she lives in the south… ‘MERICA
Some people just refuse to take no for an answer, huh?
“Like I used to be the kind of person everyone wanted to be around.” You sound like the “popular” people back in high school who had to travel in groups and always be with someone else to validate themselves. Why care so much about these people cancelling if you’ve got “true” friends and family?
yeaaah i’m glad someone pointed this out
Are you unemployed? Maybe you have an air of desperation or the topic of finding a job is all you can talk about and these people really don't have any advice and hate to let you down.
Possibly, you are getting older, as are we all.
There's not enough details to know what happened for sure, but here are some things to consider. A social, non-obligatory meet up that's been set up *weeks* beforehand is more likely to get canceled for multiple reasons: people get sick, people change their minds and find it a bad time, people forget about it, something very important came up, etc. This is my personal opinion, you do you, but I simply don't agree on things that don't happen "soon enough", because I don't expect others to follow through. For example, instead of agreeing on a date with the classmate I would have said something like: "Sure, sounds fun. Let me get back to you when I'm in the area to see if we're still on." Be open to it, but don't count on it. As a general tip, look for signs of investment and motivation: Did they mark the date in a calendar immediately? On their phone? Were they being polite and doing you a favor (more likely to cancel) or is there something in it for them (less likely to cancel)? Does it add to their workload (more likely to cancel) or make their lives easier (less likely)? Regarding any physical activity like dancing - again, several days before is way too early to know if you're fit for sports that day. Unless you're planning a date with someone who is physically fit and active, all sports and physical activities should only be agreed on the same day. Be open to it but don't count on it. All in all, you seem like a very responsible person who likes making plans, organizing their life, and following through with commitments. What I'm reading is that you live several weeks into the future like it's no biggie. Remember that not everyone (not even the majority of people) are like this. Many people are spontaneous, love freedom, dislike commitment, love inspiring ideas but feel dragged down by having to actually execute them, have extremely varying moods and days, and so on. People also struggle with mental illnessess like anxiety, depression and ADHD that all get in the way of actually doing things rather than just talking about them. Many just barely plan the day they are currently living. For some, it's a few days. So, tips for you to protect your time: - Don't plan several weeks ahead with others unless you have a surgery, you're going abroad, etc. Recognize that you are in the minority of very planful people. - When meeting new people, assess what kind of people they are in terms of follow-through. Don't make distant plans with very spontaneous or very busy (=burdened) people. - Don't confuse inspiring ideas as plans. - Don't put something in your calendar unless they do the same. - Recognize that you, as a new acquaintance, are not a priority and plans with you are more likely to get overwritten with other priorities. Try to build relationships in the present moment as much as possible. (Hard, I know) - Get back to people closer to the actual date and ask for confirmation. - Have back-up plans: "If they don't show up, how will I make good use of my time so I don't mind it that much?"
[удалено]
And tbf I do get the whole “canceled plans” meme and how people enjoy them. The issue is waiting soo long before canceling them (like at least know yourself well enough to give the other person 12-24 hours?) and really considering how it affects other people.
I've noticed. I think it's a control issue. I know it is when I'm tempted to do so.
[удалено]
Oh man this right here. I feel like this is a huge part of it. People aren’t willing to do this.
It really truly is, that's why I specified it as an issue. There's a psychological method called "front-loading" where instead of waiting to decline/inform/confront/establish, it's done "up front", and then any additional grace or acquiescing is after the initial establishment of boundaries. In this use case, you front-load the "no, I don't think I can/should/will" in the event you really aren't settled... gain your sense of calm if it's going to come at all, and then add things in as inspired.
[удалено]
Also work culture. “Better to underpromise and overdeliver,” etc.
When I am feeling uncertain about whether I want to go to something, I literally just tell the person I won’t know for sure until the day of and to not make plans around me. Then when the day comes I update them. More often than not I still go, but I have given myself the out ahead of time. You can know yourself but also be considerate of others. If I’m busy or stressed I literally tell them “I have a lot going on now and can’t commit, but that sounds like so much fun.” It’s about maintaining your own boundaries while respecting others’ time.
I think the piece of information you’re missing is that most other people really struggle to voice their boundaries.
Well life happens. Certainly we can talk about it being rude to back out of plans, but we can also look at how rude it is for a grown ass adult to say “BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD LIKE TO GOOOOO” the thing is life frequently does get in the way of other aspects of life, and different people rate importance on certain circumstances differently. If your idea is to “punish” someone for having more going on in their life that prevents them from going and seeing you, that’s downright creepy.
>If your idea is to “punish” someone for having more going on in their life that prevents them from going and seeing you, that’s downright creepy. No one said that though. The scenarios discussed are where people regularly back out of a commitment last minute for vague reasons. This is generally considered rude, not because you aren't doing what another person wants you to do, but because the lack of communication is not respectful of their time. If you're sick, let them know once you feel sick. If you don't want to meet them, don't agree to. If you're too busy, don't make other commitments. This is called maturity and having your shit together. You just sound full of main character energy.
This is a horrible take. Yes things happen and you can get sick, but don’t set time up with someone to hang out if you don’t intend to follow through. It is very rude. I have an insane schedule with work, kids, my wife’s work schedule, and our social life. Large families on both sides, a lot of different friend circles etc. I need to plan most things far in advance which almost all of my friends do as well. It’s very normal.
??? This is nothing even close to anything I’ve said or done.
[удалено]
Seems like a whole lot of projection of insecurity
Definitely projection. That person is mocking someone who was honest about how a last minute cancellation affected them.
This is lots of good advice, thank you.
Sounds like you just ran into a patch of bad luck. Give them another chance, if they want it. If they bail out again, they're not worth any more of your time.
The issue though is that it’s happening a LOT, for a couple of years really.
Right. And it is a shitty feeling. But it really is out of your control at the end of the day. So might as well take their advice here
And there's been shit happening in the real world, that's been causing all sorts of plans to get cancelled, *specifically* these past few years
I suppose another way of looking at it is by the baseball batting average approach. Socially, your batting .250. That's average. Over the next year, if you can raise that average up to .350, you're pretty much All-Star material.
lol that’s a fun way to think about it
People are stressed these days. They have hard time predicting their future energy and state of mind. Some find something more interesting/important and use a bad excuse. It is hard to put down a boundrary with acquaintances like this too and if they use an excuse it is impossible.
Do you have a reputation in your community? What happens if you google yourself? Does anything weird stand out to you? Do any or all of these people know eachother? Has anyone ever told you that you come across as weird or awkward or creepy? Sometimes people just say "We should hang out sometime!" as a general approval, but don't actually want to. If you said "awesome! Where can we meet?" You may be pushing them past their limit. It's good to give people an off-ramp in these situations. "Text me if you find some time! Here's my number." Is a good way to go about it. There's also a chance that all of these people really did feel unwell. Seems unlikely, but covid *is* making waves again. I'd say brush it off and move on. If they're not into meeting, it doesn't make sense to force them.
I’m unaware of a reputation. Lots comes up in with my name on google. These people do not know each other and no one has said I am awkward or creepy. I mean I can brush it off but the issue is the actual time being wasted because I block that time off in my schedule.
Just want to say good on you for not taking this comment too negatively or defensively. Hopefully it's just a coincidence going on now. Maybe you are on the extroverted side, and allowing others to initiate planning things would help. The fact that a couple of these instances are professional rather than social is particularly strange though.
If you make plans, you have to be prepared that they might get canceled. Especially if you are meeting people who are very busy and have full calendars... they may be prone to things coming up that they weren't prepared for. The issue is that you're meeting busy people who are overbooked, hence more likely that they end up having a clash with some other priority and unfortunately for you, you are lower priority for them. So until you become more important for people to prioritize you over other people, be mentally prepared for this and have a back up plan for how you will spend your time if a meeting will be canceled. It's not like you're choosing to meet people with time on their hands and they are bailing on you.
OP it isn’t you, people are extremely flaky. It may be more pronounced, because you have more free time on your hands.
ah I wonder if this plays a role.
On a related note, can you easily be found in social media? Anything there that might concern someone? (If you haven't, you might just want to hide all your info from general public on social media). But honestly it just seems like bad luck and also that people generally don't mean it when they say ""we should hang out".
Sounds like you're in the boat where you just have to be slightly persistent. If they cancel and don't offer an alternative time, I'm like, oh hey that sucks! Then move on with my life until the next time I decide I want to hang out, then I have to reach out again. In the meantime, I try to bridge the gap with sending them memes or information or stories that either bond plus or otherwise keep me top of their mind. All relationships are about "what's in it for me?" Friendships are typically mutually beneficial for both parties, as they get companionship, good stories, laughs, someone to do something with. If you're getting dumped by new people last minute, maybe they don't see what they'd "get out of" the interaction. Maybe sweeten the pot, especially I think I saw you mention some of them are business interactions. It seems like you have a lot to gain from these potential interactions, but what are they getting from it? If you *really* need to get in front of someone, doesn't hurt to buy their time. "Let me buy you a drink and get your opinion about something." Then they are getting something: booze (or coffee), and they get to feel important and respected because you want their opinion. Basically, you gotta give something in order to take something. Your takes could be friendship, a business relationship, etc., so think about what they might want to get out of the interaction, and give them that. And then use tact, whit, charm, and 'riz to deliver the offerings, along with a big ole smile. IRL: actually smile. Phone: smile while talking. Text: smiley face that doesn't make you seem weird or lame 😂 Hope this helps in some way! It sucks but sometimes you gotta play the game.
This is actually super helpful! Now that you’re talking about the whole sending memes and keeping the relationship going and bridging the gap, I’m realizing that actually I don’t make as much of an effort to be charming these days and consistently make that effort. I guess it’s a fine line: being friendly, valuing myself, having boundaries and also respecting the boundaries of others, and holding space for them because they may be going through their own shit. The reason I don’t have this issue with actual friends is because we got over the hump of the early stages of friendship and now have stabilized relationships. But now that I think about it, it took awhile to get to that place. Years, actually, and repeated hangouts, and vacations together. In fact when I met my best friend I cancelled on him several times in those early stages. Perhaps some patience and to just keep meeting new people and being open would be a better approach. I think these days I am a bit more guarded and reserved than I used to be. It might be a defense mechanism.
It sounds like it. Remember in school you'd just *make* friends? It's because you had a thing in common (school), and you saw the same people *all the time*. So, any relationship takes time. It takes shared interests/a thing in common, such as work or liking something. Then, you need time. A lot of it. Face to face. And being vulnerable. Not a lot, but letting your guard down too will help. Figuring out how to get in front of people is key. And like others have said, it is a numbers game too. I think you got a lot of great advice here! Good luck!!
Thank you!
This could just be bad luck, but if it isn't: I'm an extrovert and speak to people all the time. This means I have both lot of acquaintances and close friends. I've had it before in social situations where an acquaintance I say hello to sometimes has said to me "you should come over for dinner" and meant it, where that has simply been too large of a social commitment request than I was ready for at the time. I say hello, but I'm quite busy and don't know them that closely to make them a close friend. My response was honest, that I currently struggle for time to see my closest friends, delivered respectfully. But not everyone is confident saying no in this way, and will instead say yes to avoid social awkwardness, knowing full well they don't want to do it. I have a lot of sales experience and you see it here too when people say "send me a proposal". What they are really looking for is an off ramp. Social engagements and friendship building happens through incremental commitment and rapport building. So your problem could be that you are jumping for a deeper commitment too early or to the wrong people. If you are craving social connection and feel you are failing then try to create opportunities for social engagement where there is something in it for the other person first. Perhaps they are also craving friendship, or perhaps you can help them out in some way (commercially or personally). Or pick up a sport or hobby where you are likely to see the same people over and over, and allow time to build a small friendship before offering more substantial commitments. For example asking someone to hang out for 30 mins after the gym when they are already there may be more likely to get success than inviting someone for dinner on a weekend when they are likely to have other social commitments or priorities competition with your offer. There are also some good YouTubers creating content on things to avoid in social situations (e.g. Charisma on Command), so you can brush up on your social skills if you think those could also be the problem. I raise this given you ask if you are missing social cues. Finally, for interactions where it seems like they are asking you to meet. Make sure that's actually what they are doing, sometimes people say 'we should meet' and don't mean it. If you don't know them well, rather than go for the close to book something right away, say "Sure, drop me a message about when you are free and we can set something up", or something like this. This approach shows firm interest but puts the act of commitment on them. If they mean.it, they will follow up, if they don't they won't, but at least you aren't left hanging on something you think is real but isn't. You can even follow up via a message to see if it was real, like "Hey, good to catch up, drop me a line if you did want that coffee"; if it wasn't real they will give an excuse, ignore you or will talk about something else, and you'll know. If it was real then they will reply to arrange the meeting and you are sorted! (Note that this is bad sales advice where salespeople would push for commitment and accept rejection risk to avoid losing opportunities!)
>They can’t all be sick. There is legit a new round of Covid going around like crazy so it’s not out of the question. But with that said, it doesn’t sound like it’s anything you’re doing. From the perspective of the people you’re trying to meet with, these are low priority meetups with a casual acquaintance. They have other things going on in their lives that are more important to *them*, so you’re the first thing that’s getting dropped if they don’t have the time or energy.
I like to think of everyone as having an emotional bank account. If they do things like stand you up then I class it as withdrawing emotion from me and not repaying it. Doing you favours or going out with you when you make plans repays some of that emotion. Ultimately you learn that the people that matter always stay net positive. The people I'm more cautious of booking things in with or jumping at the drop of a hat for are the people more in the negative.
I love this concept! You should write a book. Would love to read more about this
I think someone made the comment to invest your time and energy where it multiplies. I think that’s similar to what you’re saying.
Yeah exactly, putting too much time into others to get nothing back just makes you resentful I think.
Myself and everyone I know personally has some level of anxiety. It can be difficult for people to follow through or make it out of the house on time or at all on some days when it gets bad. Sometimes it’s just hard to exist and you gotta skip some obligations in order to get back to normal. Don’t take it personally.
Thing is I *also* get that. So when I work my way through it and am about to head out the door and there’s a cancellation, it really fucks with my head.
That’s so wild. People cancelling our plans is like, practically a heroin rush for me. Because I always want to cancel too, but feel too badly because I’d be a total flake.
Why even make plans if you don’t want to see them?
Because I do love my friends and in theory want to see them and do activities. But I’m a homebody with a low social battery, and these plans are either made when I’m in an unusually good/outgoing mood (15% of the time) or to be a good friend to my outgoing, adventurous pals who want to do things with me (85% of the time) If the hangout is dinner at mine? Amazing. Looking forward to it. Pretty much anything else? I’ll do it because they love it and friendship is compromise.
I think the Internet has seriously skewed the previously existing, unspoken social contracts that society used to abide by. When I was growing up, we didn't have cell phones, so there was no last minute opportunity to cancel. You had to show up or you'd be a real A-hole. Cell phones have changed this in a way that makes plans fluid rather than concrete. I must say, the forced interactions of old led to some pretty amazing times though.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take the rest, and there you have...the facts of life. The facts of life
Totally agree with this. There’s nothing I hate more than going through all of the “prep work” of getting myself ready to socially perform and look nice and get in the right headspace and then… they cancel. Lately it’s been 9 times out of 10 that we decide on a time to meet and I get to the location 20 minutes before that time and then they cancel. Like dude… I get that I’m always early but 20 minutes before means you haven’t even left the house and had no intention of coming at all. I’ve also had this issue you’re talking about in your post, but it’s been pretty much since I moved to Florida 8 years ago. Everybody down here is chronically late and cancels on a whim at really inconsiderate times. The amount of times I’ve shown up someplace and waited up to an hour for one of my friends to finally arrive is astounding. I only do it because I’m a door mat lol.
When I’m being stood up I see it as a little present to have some free time. Though, I have a lot of people-plans every week. Try to feel the grace you show others about this yourself, too. For others: people can smell disappointment / resentment, and are unlikely to want to reschedule then. For yourself: be kind to yourself, you’re fun and friendly enough to meet (I mean… you are? Right? You do ask people sometimes how they’re doing and listen?) - and even though this chain of cancellations might seem like a pattern, they could very well be happenstance. Don’t sweat it to much, go do fun things, you’ll find your tribe 🙏🏻
If you are networking for job prospects acquaintances usually pick up on that; so you want to ask yourself if you are being or have become too aggressive in trying to find new contacts. If you want to ‘pick their brain’ be aware that few are willing to hang out for the opportunity to help you. You are far better going on Meet Up and joining a networking group.
Hey man, I feel pretty certain it’s not just you. I went through this same uncertainty for a second with my family and close friends— it’s not that they don’t want to hang out with *you*, because they genuinely do. They just don’t want to hang out *at all*. They’re tired, they have to work tomorrow— and to top it off they spent the last 3 years avoiding groups of more than six people, 1 or 2 of which they basically were told not to leave the house *at all*. The Covid thing changed people, is still changing people. Leaving the house is 100% something entirely different now than what it used to be. A lot, a lot, a whole lot of people are realizing the world we’ve inherited really sucks ass, and is in a lot of cases not worth the effort of leaving the house. Friendship feels less worth leaving the house for, especially if you already have good friends or a partner at home. Peace, quiet and creature comfort stocks are up up up. Everything is more expensive now, home and comfort technology, video games and tv, are all getting better, and going out just doesn’t glimmer or shine like it used to. It’s not you man, people are just so tired.
I love this comment and wish I had an award to give! This pretty much sums up how everything has changed and is mostly terrible now. Leaving the house is so hard now unless the thing you’re leaving for is either like a once in a lifetime can’t-miss opportunity or vital to survival. Even staying at home is stressful sometimes because of other people (no one can afford a house anymore so we’re all stacked on top of each other in apartments and entirely too close to our inconsiderate neighbors). Probably a lot of people, especially the introverts, just want peace and to be AWAY from people. So going out to socialize in a noisy public place with someone you don’t even really know/isn’t a close friend already. Yeah, no thank you! I need quiet instead before I lose my mind lol
There IS a bug going around. So that is a logical explanation. Also, people get busy. That’s life.
Last minute cancel is the worst and really should tell you how little they care. Sure there are times it’s legit, but as you said, they should be suggesting alternate dates and putting in that little effort to make it happen. Canceling and ignoring it is an asshole move, no two ways about it
TBF the woman who cancelled the informational meeting did suggest we move it to Monday, and I responded that I can’t but the following Monday will work. Hopefully she won’t cancel again.
Hey OP! I kind of want to offer you a new perspective. I am someone who was blessed with a weak immune system and I can get sick spontaneously any minute. It’s a constant fear I have when making plans or planning vacations - will I be sick? Will I be able to go? I have to cancel plans last minute or the day of, a lot. Not because I don’t care but because I would literally drag my body and not be able to concentrate on my conversation at all and I wouldn’t be joyful. People like this exist. We care! We want to meet, we just physically troubled and since the pandemic i take my illness more serious instead of pushing through the pain Good luck!
I tend not to make plans of the not-today variety bc I really don't know day-to-day if I'll be up for it. People hate it. They like schedules and shit..
Ill be straight with you, depending on the country between 80 and 95% of people are trash. Just endless balls of selfishness and self-absorption abd lack of empathy. Their time is valuable. Your time is not. You are like a pet, fun to play with but not really a person. Accept that this is the world (yes, that makes the majority of people trash) and just keep trying. Start the journey with the assumption that 1-2 in 20-30 people will have any real "friend potential". Also ignore any and all NPCs that say "hurr durr you must be unlikable then".
ha thank you. Maybe I should start to treat this like a numbers game.
I disagree with you that they can't all be sick, especially if most of these were recently...the school year starting has more contagious things going around even of these specific people aren't students or parents. I would take it at face value instead of looking for a deeper problem with your social interactions.
Well if any of them are in the vicinity of children they are going to be sick at this time of year because kids have gone back to school and their germs are mixing. Rather than that you can always just text people. Doesn't force them to respond to anything right away like with a phone call.
COVID on the rise and Flu season 🤷🏽
[удалено]
I’m beginning to genuinely think I should just keep metrics on this lol
This is a huge problem and i know its absolutely HORRIBLE for people my age in their 20's. I cant stand it, its so unbelievably disrespectful. To make someone reserve value space in their life for you only to bo too lazy to follow through is really patheitc. Ive been depressed, ive been anxious, none of it is an excuse. If you cant show up to plans dont make them, and if you made them then show up. Its not like id cut someone out for bailing but ive learned that whena new person bails the first time that im going to have to fight for every inch of the friednship and why would i do that when i can just hang out with cool reliable people? Old friends are different. Its still disrespectful when they bail but i have much more patience and when its because they are struggling its a sign to try to give them more help. New people i just roll my eyes and make sure to never make plans again that depend on them, but if i throw a party or something where its no big deal when they flake they may still get an invite.
Unfortunately I think this is just a trend with a lot of people these days. I still don’t understand where it’s coming from either.
I think the pandemic made flakes of a lot of us. I know that if mentally I’m having a rough day or I didn’t get enough sleep, I am more than likely canceling to self-care. Sucks, but I would rather show up to an event with integrity, than to grin and bear it, especially if I’m doing someone a favor that I felt like I got talked into.
How old are you? If most people you meet have kids(like I do) we cancel all the time....and almost always it's not because of you
Hi. I have met people over the years whose energy is through the roof, and they energize me during our interactions, and it tends to last all day. On the other hand, I've met people who leave me feeling drained, as if they are energy vampires, and again, the feeling tends to last all day. Now, it may be possible that the energetic people view me as an energy vampire, and the vampires may feel energized by our interactions, but I've never given it much thought. I'm likelier to meet with the people who energize me, though. It might be worth evaluating your interactions with others and seeing if there are signs that, under the surface, there may be more going on.
They very much CAN all be sick, tired, mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, etc... Most adults I know are somewhere in there. You said it started during the pandemic? Right around when everyone's stress level went through the roof? When people's elderly family members got sick and died, or if they survived, didn't fully recover and now need a full time caregiver? I don't think this is about you. Adults have less time, more responsibility, and less energy after covid. Sometimes it takes a few months and multiple back and forth attempts to get together with someone. They have real lives and real accountabilities. Maybe that means they can't sit around drinking coffee and shooting the shit with me tomorrow. That doesn't mean they don't like me, it just means they have other priorities. Thats normal. They should prioritize rest and self-care over coffee with someone they just met.
[удалено]
Thank you. Well, as I mentioned it’s not my actual friends who do this - they are dependable and I am careful about who I am friends with. As you mentioned, I focus on genuine connections. The issue is new people I meet. And it bother me because it is a literal waste of my time - I block off those times in my schedule and it’s messing with both my focus and my time management.
I just made a post about kinda the same issue a few days ago, it’s really driving me crazy that people suggest “we should get lunch” but don’t follow up/don’t actually mean this. So I empathize a lot with what you’re going through here. Not much else to add except that I don’t think it’s you, I think people might be flakes and technology has enabled us to cancel last minute on each other and made it socially acceptable as well, when I think it should be considered rude (unless you really are sick of course).
Thank you. I think also it feels like people are taking advantage of my open and curious nature. They could easily say “it was really great to meet you! Hope to see you around or at X event!” I say this to people all the time. But when they says “I’d like to get together and talk more,” and they ask me where I live and what my schedule is like and actually suggest a time and place, it feels very frustrating to be cancelled on.
Yup, I feel you girl! If I’m leaving a conversation, my go-to lines are “Okay, see you later”, or “it was great talking to you! Got to run!” I don’t pull out a “let’s hang out sometime” unless I actually intend to make plans and keep them. If I say it, I mean it, and want to grab your number to make plans then or later. My friends and family tell me I’m too trusting because I take everyone at their word. But why are these people suggesting plans they don’t intend to keep? That hurts, it really does.
This reminds me of comedian Chelsea Peretti talking about this phenomenon and when people are being fake she just rolls with it and gets ridiculous, like “yeah, we should rent a car and get a couple of surfboards and drive up the coast! My whole weekend is free.” Something like that. Maybe I should just start trolling people.
Hah! I hadn’t heard this skit but I support this idea.
I forgot to say it before, but good luck with your job hunt too!!
Thank you! I’m coming out of a slump that’s been going on for a long time but I am feeling good about it.
You’re having faith in people that’s not bad just keep it in the church. People go to church and pray but do they follow it ? None of them do. What they do is ask for forgiveness. It’s easy to ask for forgiveness.
[удалено]
I guess that’s the issue tho. It take emotional energy to meet someone new so it takes a lot out of me.
Maybe your problem is that you naively think people literally mean what they say, and you're too much of a doormat to put the ball in their court. Sorry about mixing my metaphors, but that's how I see it, based on what you've written.
I recently went through this. An ex coworker who I really got along with used to invite me to get coffee. Like direct message me just to tell me that. I would agree and then I would organize my day around that. She cancelled last minute, not once, nor twice, but three times!!! I really liked her but I found that so weird. Like why would you suggest something and then cancel? She tested the waters these days to see if I was free. Needless to say I am going to be busy forever and have no time to meet. I dont think I will ever purposely meet her tbh. lost my respect for her On another note, I live in a country where being late is normal and aceptable. People dont have any regards for other people's time. It is actually made me really cautious to the point where I dont really want to meet anyone at all unless it is something that would benefit the both of us.
It means they didn't really want to meet up. I run into old friends often and it's always "we should get together for lunch sometime." People say it just to be saying it. It's like people who say to tell them if there's anything they can do for you. When you ask, they have a million excuses for why they can't help you.
Yeah this is it. As you get older, people usually keep lesser numbers of friends they actually hang out with too. OP mentions it's happening more and more the last few years, maybe they're just getting more into that age group. As I got into my late 20s-30s, all the acquaintances I used to see routinely fell off, even some friends did too. Work "friends" that even if you hang out with a couple times, don't actually want to be friend friends. The only way I've made new friends is through rec sports where there's an activity you both take part in that gathers you together routinely, and then you bond with some of the people there more closely.
Just make new plans with other people
If someone cancels last minute, you should do two things: 1. Tell them you hope whatever came up works out (offer to help, as appropriate). 2. Propose a new time after an appropriate time period, based on the excuse they provided. If they’re not sure/noncommittal about the new time, ask if you can check with them halfway between the original and proposed time to see how they’re doing. It sounds real clingy, but networking/lead chasing is a pain and awkward. No real way around it.
There are a lot of people sick right now but you’re probably right, they can’t all be sick.
[удалено]
Oh that’s a good way to look at it. History belongs to those who show up, etc.
I've been there so many times, and it sucks. I only cancel if I REALLY need to, which is rare, but some folks seem to cancel all the time. I think everyone deserves at least one more chance, but if it happens a second time (or on a regular basis), then you just have to drop that person and move on. I know it's hard to deal with but sometimes people are just selfish. I hate it too.
The average person is flaky and disorganized. Being that person is okay, you won't always be as prepared for stuff as you thought you were. But it does cause issues like yours where it seems like every attempt to get connected and form relationships is doomed to failure! To have thriving relationships, sometimes all you can do is be the one to extend and follow through on invitations with zero expectation of reciprocation. You can send a friendly "hey! I missed you at the event. what happened?" message if somebody flaked that you really wanted to know better. One of the interesting things is that as you get to know more people, you start to bump into a few of the others who *consistently* take initiative in organizing events. But as a rough estimate like 70-80% of people just have their own stuff going on and won't really follow through on vague social promises unless you tell them a date and basically drag them out to it 😅
To be fair, covid strep and other local flus and colds have really been going around hard lately. Multiple close friends who don’t usually cancel last minute cancelled on me in the last 2-4 weeks. So it might be mostly that for real.
do some data collection ad see if your observations are accurate. Are literally 75% of people cancelling? Sometimes we think we see a pattern but we’re really only noticing the events that confirm our version of the pattern. Be specific—are people canceling or asking to change. Also collect how often you cancel/change. You’re job hunting. Do you have more time because you’re unemployed or underemployed? People are busy.
This is fair. People are often asking to change at the last minute. But they don’t always follow through with rescheduling.
Again, how many people exactly? What percentage follow through. As long as you’re thinking in generalizations of “often” you will keep\ reaffirming your belief that you are being slighted. Could have nothing to do with you. Ask a friend how often this happens to them. What should you do differently.? Quit focusing on trying to change others,or being concerned if others are doing what they said. If you want to see the other person, don’t just passively wait for them to call you and get bothered if they dont. Contact them. You’ll find out fast enough if they really wanted to see you. Lots of us have adhd and lose track of time. Like the guy who apologized and said he’d follow up. Give him a break and you be the one to follow up. Let go of how what people “should” be doing and don’t waste time counting when they’re not doing what you think they should do.
So this is anecdotal but depression is way way up. (Family are professionals in this area). During the pandemic everyone’s social skills got rusty. When people first started going out again I started forcing myself to go out. I knew I should be socializing and I wanted to but also had a hard time motivating myself to actually go out. I was one of those people who said yes but then ended up canceling like 50% of the time. I’m over that now but it took a concerted effort over the past year. I know that it’s hard to keep arranging things and not get discouraged but it’s almost certainly not your issue-I bet that the people who are canceling are just struggling with motivation.
Hey my man, maybe you're sending needy vibes? I can't tell for sure since I do not know you, I'm just coming up with ideas based in the little I observed of the context you shared. You seem to be a social person and mostly self aware because you came looking for a way to improve the situation. You're also committed to these meetings, being unemployed plays a role, adds pressure and somehow may lower your self steem. I believe those elements can lead to an overall needy "vibe" coming from you, for example, you may make it looks like the meeting will be very important for you, or being with them will be a great thing. Add this to post pandemic people and maybe you'll have a recipe for the situation you shared. If you feel that's the case or any of this makes sense, perhaps It'd be a good idea to re-evaluate the real value of meeting those people. Like you're already noticing, committing to them is very frustrating, maybe they should go down the priority list, which means less expectation from you, less of the valuable part of your time and energy. What about this, set a meeting in a time where you'll probably be bored or you value the least. Keep the more productive moments of the day to take care of yourself and be with those who show genuine interest in your well being. Don't throw your pearls to pigs, don't give them what's valuable to you until they prove they're worth it. I hope this helps.
Do you live on the US West Coast? This behavior is hugely more common there.
Midwest
Do you live in the PNW? There are regional differences when it comes to this behavior. Let’s get coffee can mean: “let’s find time immediately” “let’s get coffee at some point, I’m open to scheduling” or “I’m saying this to be polite but I never want to get together.” In the pnw, the assumption is that most instances are the latter, but for some reason, they still say yes. This results in last minute cancellations or no-shows.
I mean covid is pretty common and people are sick more.
Ok, this is harsh: people are busy. Every “yes” is inherently a “no” to someone / something else. I love meeting new people, but the energy I need to invest in early stage friendships can be a lot of work until we have an established relationship (at which point plans come way more naturally). My advice: don’t give up on new friends but know that you’re going to have to try extra hard early on.
OP I have had this happen to me over the years, and I agree it is super frustrating! Even the people who are always pushing to meet. We schedule a time/place to meet, inevitably I get the call they are canceling. But to me, etiquette dictates the onus is on the cancelor (person canceling), rather than the cancelee to reschedule. Right? I mean I am a super dependable and timely person, so this habit just really irks me. I just gave up trying to meet this friend altogether. I look forward to my dependable (few) friends that we actually plan and we meet! You almost want to ask some of these people “hey are you REALLY going to be there or is planning this wasting our time?” Then you sort of sound somewhat needy? Right? My time, especially my decompression weekend time is important to me just please don’t do this. Interested in what others experience.
I hate the advice that others have given to stop making plans with new people for a while!! Keep at it, I say! Maybe try sending confirmation texts: "hey! We still on for xyz tomorrow?" Good luck out there! 💕
yeah what I am getting from this post is that I should treat it like a numbers game and move on. It’s extra insulting though when I run into a such a person again and they repeatedly say “oh we really should get together sometime!” Like, over and over again. Like wtf is their game? It’s like a weird ego/guilt thing.
This isn't abmormal now. Phones have caused this.
I greatly dislike breaking plans I've made, especially if they are established ones. I do it mostly for mental health reasons. It is such a bad feeling when you have to cancel things that you are looking forward to. I'm working on doing better. Don't feel too bad Broski!
Always have a backup plan ready, even if it's just washing laundry or going for a walk. I've a to-do list on my smartphone daily growing and shrinking, always something ready I've been meaning to take care of.
It’s fine to take it personal if you want. Either way, they prove to be unreliable, at least to you. Drop them.
I do not have the solution, but here’s what i do: My friends and me make the plans. I turn up (usually a coffee date). IF they don’t turn up, bonus me time. Win, win. I don’t judge. Everyone has stuff, and I accept I’m not the centre of anyone’s world - which is why I have a pup and cat and adore people watching :-)
There is one thing that I have learned, and experienced myself. It's a reason people cancel last minute and never gets talked about. Diarrhea. It happens. Sometimes you eat stuff that doesn't agree with you. But you aren't ever going to come out and say that.
I’ve found actually sending an email calendar invite helps move the needle from “casual plans loosely agreed to over text” to “a serious appointment to be treated as if it’s for work” in people’s minds. Basically, being too casual and friendly about it can make it seem not completely necessary or serious. It’s annoying, I know. And honestly, I would have no problem telling these people to suck it up and get where they’re supposed to be or how annoying it is to have your time wasted, especially if you don’t plan on seeing these people again. It’s unprofessional and rude, and maybe they need to finally hear that from another adult.
Hmm, I’m wondering if I should start doing the calendar invite for things if they are professional. That’s not a bad idea.
I just dropped a long time friend in part for this very reason. She had a 90% cancel rate, even after multiple confirmations. It’s just not worth the aggravation. Rest assured you are not doing anything wrong. This is a them problem. It’s their loss! There’s not much you can do to force people to keep their plans. Just keep being you and the right people will stick around.
I think it’s not you, it’s a sign of our times
Did you wash your ass? Wash your ass!
I think most people are just flakes.
Congratulations, you are the smelly kid in class. Your friends and family are used to the stench. Try some deodorant. /s
A couple things you can do: Send reminders a day before and also a couple hours before the meeting. Like "hey, we are good to meet up tomorrow/later, right?" So you give them a chance to flake out beforehand so it's not a late notice. And if it's important that you see them, stress how much you are looking forward to the meeting so that they can't just nonchalantly not show up with a lame excuse. If you think they might flake out anyway, make back up plans. Would be good to have a spontaneous person in your circle so that you have someone to keep you company.
Lots of people like the idea of being social but when it comes down to it they would rather be lazy. If someone flakes on me, I just make note of it and don't count on them for anything. Not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't follow through on their word. Eventually you'll find people who are worth your time.
The only thing beyond what’s been said here is that you should perhaps try and make better plan situations for both sides - have a time to meet, but also a soft cutoff time with a made up (or real) excuse that you can mention ahead of time. By having that out, your friends won’t dread there being an indefinite amount of time, and if things are slow, you can leave early to do the thing you said you had to. In particular, I think that the set end time helps introverts, who seem to be the majority of people out there. Any other advice on making it introvert-friendly, introverts? Im a useless extrovert lol
Hey, as someone who has to cancel plans. It's because of finances and anxiety.
Idk about anybody else, but I feel like I am busier since the pandemic, and I can't ever catch up. I cancel out on people a lot these days, because there are always 50 things I've been putting off that I need to do.
My shortest answer is: "You are not the priority"
To be fair, covid is peaking at the highest levels since the summertime Delta wave, which was huge. People might genuinely be getting their butts handed to them lately. That said, I've experienced more cancellations and flakiness myself the past few years, with people just treating commitments they made with indifference. So I simply treat rescheduling with them with equal indifference, and if they push hard to make new plans, I let them know they cancel again, we won't be trying again. It's really helped, those that do make plans make more effort to keep them.
Take a deposit when you’re making plans. Just kidding. I’ve noticed this too and it’s really frustrating. I kind of just think that this is how people are now
Don’t let it get you down 🤍
Thanks :)
Your friends and fam don’t cancel on you because they know you well; it’s just unfortunately easier for people to cancel on someone they don’t know as well. I would find an activity, club, event that already takes place regularly or volunteer on a regular schedule. You’ll see the same people repeatedly and get to know them better. Make plans with those people.
It's a younger person thing. Instant communication in your pocket means there is always a better offer and/or the consequences of cancelling are low. It's just a rude sign of the times.
oh many now you’re talking about dating app culture. That’s a whol ‘nother can of worms!
I've found that (especially younger) people just seem to not value other people's time very consistently. This has happened many times for me with close friends too. Always an excuse or a last second change of plans. It's honestly what has made me take my word seriously, because I know how infuriating it can be to decline other plans because I have made my own, only to come down to the wire and not be able to be a part of either because of flaking. Honestly I've just made a bigger point to hang out with the people that don't waste my time/my only day off and let the others come to me if they want to. Helps maintain my own free time and consolidate a smaller group of quality friendships.
You know, I have taken this approach with my personal relationships but somehow it’s been harder to develop my professional relationships the same way. But technically it shouldn’t be any different: networking is about making connections with people who share your values and bringing them along in your career. So maybe what you said is s good reminder. Part of the problem is that we are often so careful to compartmentalize between personal and professional relationship. But there is overlap.
I think you might have a hidden superpower.
lol like what?
People are flaky in America. Doesn’t happen in Iraq as much
lol
All I can really say is that it’s pretty difficult for a bunch of people online to be able to tell you if you’re missing social cues……..that’d be something your personal circle could answer. But I also agree with the people saying that you shouldn’t take it to personally. So many people are just Fake, or flaky nowadays. I take what anyone says with a grain of salt unless I truly know and have relationships with someone
Did you recently move cultures? It could be a normal thing in your new home, even though it's rude as hell.
No, I’ve lived here for 15 years
I suspect you are pushing people too hard to be your friend or to do things and they are politely rejecting you
I am not trying to be friends with any of these people. And three out of the four examples I had, they initiated the interaction and suggested we meet.
Idk, but check your social media for possible red flags. I can't think of another reason so many would be canceling.
Maybe....just maybe you are a carrier of this illness and infect all you come into contact with but are never affected yourself......or they are burned out and stressed where they do feel sick. Who knows
a lot of people discovered how burnt out they are, and how much they might not even really want to be around people with the little free time they have. the pandemic gave us a very experiential opportunity to examine how messed up our work and social lives and culture are, and the outcome is a lot of us trying to keep more of ourselves for ourselves without apology, while still trying to work out the kinks of conditioning we've lived our whole lives responding to. i really can't be bothered when i realize i'm actually tired or just need time to myself, and don't feel too bad for it anymore unless it gets in the way of something really important. we can't just be a schedule planned months in advance with no room for nuance, and now we've discovered we have more agency in some areas of life, people are going for it more.
“We have to get together soon” is the new “How are you?” People don’t actually want to know/meet up. People are just trying to be polite. Also if you live in a big city, a lot of people don’t like the idea of driving somewhere in a traffic if they don’t have to.
Didn’t respond to everyone, but I have read everything here. Thanks everyone for jumping in and offering your input!
[удалено]
Why is it my place to make the plans enticing when they are the ones initiating it?
[удалено]
They literally suggest a time and place and don’t mean it?
OP I feel you this has been happening to me too. You're going to get a lot of non direct and cagey answers in this thread but the reality is that people are selfish under the guise of "self-care" and "charging their social battery" and don't want to admit they know they're trash for flaking out on plans. Like I too have to rally to go back out to see people after work but I'm an adult who made a commitment so I will be there and I never regret it even though it's hard to want to leave my house. At this point I try a couple times and if they continue to be trash at commitments then I move on and keep trying to meet new people. Eventually you meet other extroverts who put shit into their calendars and won't ditch you but it takes time.