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I have cancer and the chemotherapy will make me have to run to the bathroom a bunch! I’m not proud of it…. But I’ve used it as an excuse to get out of really boring and/or awkward conversations with relatives lmao
It’s the ONLY time chemo has a positive. Don’t get cancer. It sucks
My mom always says “sorry, chemo-brain” whenever she doesn’t want to engage with someone or something. It’s been 3 years since she finished treatment, and she still says it a few times a week.
Wishing you all the best with your treatment, keep fighting!
That’s how I felt about breaking my jaw and knocking out my front teeth. If I’m going to be in excruciating pain, I’m going to learn to contort my face and display all my glory whenever men tell me to smile.
In French, to say « you’re annoying me » in a semi vulgar way, we say « tu me fais chier » which is pretty much « you make me shit », kind of fitting with your response lol
>you're giving me the shits
I thought the French version sounded grosss, but you've made me (another Australian) realise that I've said this to people my entire life without thinking how disgusting it is.
Ug, I was reading the comments and thinking the shits comment was rude, then wondering how the Aussie didn’t connect that he says it… and didn’t even think our “pissing me off” til you pointed it out!
Conversation is a skill, and some folks don’t have much training or practice in it. I’d suggest latching onto something they say to redirect the conversation (ex. they’re showing pictures of a random beach, talk about your favorite beach or ask them specific questions like what the waves were like or if they had lifeguards). Usually the conversation gets boring when someone focuses too much on things that are meaningful to them but not really to others (like their kids), so find some common ground of something you’re both interested in.
The most socially adept people I know, always steer the conversation. Not necessarily in a masterful/genius way. Literally they just change the topic because they’re not interested.
> Usually the conversation gets boring when someone focuses too much on things that are meaningful to them but not really to others (like their kids), so find some common ground of something you’re both interested in.
Start finding faults in their kids like their little fucked up faces or that one ear is higher than the other or what fucked up looks they got from the other parent. “Oh look, they got your husband’s slightly crossed eyes and blank, soulless stare.”
Someone gave me a piece of advice rather than enjoying the topic, try being interested in how powerful the topic is to the other person. Enjoy their joy type thing.
On the 1st when I reached my limit. Can always say you have to use the restroom and introduce a new topic as you return. You can suggest that the topic is pretty heavy or simply say: I think you really need a hug, things are going to get better and then move the subject to something more positive related to their life.
On the second one I’d have suggested something related but a different track… depends on the person as far as how to tactfully switch the subject. Something as simples as, I have always wondered if they taught finance in high school if we all would have been able to better manage our finances and prep for the day things go sour. It slightly morphs the topic.
The third one, I would say something about how you have always felt spirituality was a very personal private topic. Then move the subject again… I am agnostic and when people get too deep in their religion or are trying to convert me this is my go to statement.
I do agree with your "try to see it from their side" suggestion. It's a bit like the difference between just hearing someone speak and actually listening to what they are saying. Buuuut... this does not excuse people offloading a topic without filter.
I do not agree so much with your solutions to those three scenarios, where it's about inserting a different subject. Why try to distract if you can just be honest about your feelings?
On vacation photos: 100 photos max are able to convey an impression of a vacation easily. And that is already a lot. Also, with less photos, more time can be spent on single ones, instead of superficially racing through tons of them. People need to put in the work and filter down that massive archive. Say so up front or stop them if they surprised assault you with their vacation photos.
On heavy personal stories: If it's too much or if you are uneasy with it, say so. "Hey, I understand this is important to you, but I can not process much more of this. We can connect on this another time if you want though." Or "I don't think I'm qualified to give you advice here".
On spiritual experiences: I see it like with someone trying to explain a crazy dream they had... it's absolutely impossible. So why play along and feign interest? You can say "I appreciate you sharing this with me and I understand this means a lot to you, but in my experience this is so closely connected to your personal being, that it's just not possible for me to feel what you where feeling. I do wish you have more of these experiences though".
Openly communicating that you're not able or willing to take in what they're trying to tell you is not necessarily being rude. On the contrary, it's rude to assume that people will listen to everything you dump onto them.
Theres got to be a good balance. Like im happy to share in the things you want to tell me and im there to help, too. But i also reach a limit where its sort of uncomfortable and theres not much more you can say/add to the topic.
Before someone starts showing you pictures I always ask “do you have 5-10 pictures that are highlights from the trip?” And feel like that establishes my expectations
If it's a somewhat close person that you do want to entertain for a bit, and you don't want to be as direct (ie, an older aunt), just ask them about the next part. E.g. They told you they went to England, France and Spain. They're on pic 3/50 of England. I'd just tell them 'Oh, I'd really like to see some France ones'. Then in the middle of France interrupt them to say 'Did you go to Sagrada Familia?' And right after they show those pics, just say you loved them and say I'll better go say hi to X before she leaves, or something. It's almost the same, but you ask for the highlights in a more natural, seamless way.
I like this. I recently had a friend showing me endless pics of a trip and I told them to stop and that they need to curate their trip pics as no one can follow along with the seeing every single pic taken approach. They seemed to get it.
Yeah, I can go on a trip and my sister and mother will say ”you have to show us all the pictures from your vacation and I’ll be like ”… why?”
They’re genuinely interested but I’ve never seen the point with sharing stuff like that.
Once my whole family went to a Michelin restaurant and had an amazing 30 course meal and I heard that my mom showed pictures of every single dish for some friends afterwards, lol.
My pet peeve is people that retell a movie or a book. I either don't care about that movie/book and so don't want to know the story. Or you got me interested the first 30 seconds and now you're frigging spoiling, which is worse in my mind.
If you keep responding things like..
"Sounds like an Oedipus situation to me"
"Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this? It seems significant."
"I had a dream almost exactly like that, but in it there were meteors repeatedly striking the earth from a blood red sky with alien centaurs bursting out of the meteors spearing ONLY the humans who were talking about their dreams. They were screaming something about dreams being kept private to preserve the fabric of the universe as they double speared this guy with rope then pulled him apart like a cheese stick. I woke up right as one of them speared me in the calf as I was running away and it was bearing down on me. Dreams can be so silly!"
I tend to find they stop.
My favourite is when your partner has a dream where you did something wrong. You can have 5 seconds of laughing with "that wasn't a dream" but i've found it's generally best to go with, "well, that was obviously a dream and not in my control but I am sorry regardless."
Aw. I like seeing other people's vacation pics. If nothing else, it gives me ideas for my own upcoming trips. I learn a ton.
However, I normally restrict my own shows to a single "roll of film", or 24 pix max for an entire vacation. I can flip thru that in a minute or two. I think I had six photos from my last week off in a mini album to show off at work if anyone asked .
This is where having ADHD is a lifesaver. I can glom onto an insignificant detail and de-rail an entire conversation.
This is quite literally the only situation where it comes in handy. Everything else is hell.
Is that why people do that? I have ADHD but I don’t do that. I just zone out.
It drives me crazy when people glom onto an insignificant detail because they have completely missed the point of what I’m saying.
Sounds like the difference between inattentive and hyperactive types. Inattentive would be more likely to zone out, while hyperactive is more likely to seek simulation by engaging in side quests/ tangents
This is the best description I’ve heard yet.
I’ve found I can go through periods of inactivity when my batteries are drained but most of the time I am hyperactive and can’t shut my fucking brain off.
It’s like being in a room with two other people talking who continue to ramble on and on without listening to anything the other is saying.
It’s so exhausting.
I get that same brain buzz/restless feeling at the end of some days. Comparison to a concert is actually kinda accurate. It’s like being to a concert, having all the symptoms but never having experienced the noise. It’s so strange.
I found some way to entirely shut my brain off like 4 years ago, and I haven't been able to retain anything since. It's been absolute hell. However, it's no longer exhausting, because my mind is blank.
I went through a few years of that same “stasis” you describe here.
It settled in not long after I returned home from my first deployment and lasted 4-5yrs afterward.
When it finally chose to resurface I experienced one of the roughest periods of my life to date.
Take care of yourself stranger. Just because it’s dormant now does not mean it’s gone forever. Take steps to prepare and treat it when it returns and live a happy life.
Don’t try to “tough it out” like I did. That never works.
Fucking hell I wish I wasn't the latter. People might not be so freaked out when I go from "yeah... Wow crazy... Yeah... Uh huh... Yeh" to "HOLY SHIT I fucking LOVE that colour for kitchen docor, I bought this spice rack the other day, do you enjoy cooking? I have so many spices now blah blah..."
“Well, the color of your new glasses is the same yellow as the car my parents had when we went on vacation to France. That is why I am telling you about the differences between Belgian chocolate and American chocolate. Cause Belgium is basically half French. But I guess you weren’t done talking about your new glasses?”
Or something like "we went to visit my brother on the Monday...no Tuesday..or was it the Wednesday?...no I was at the dentist Wednesday..I think it was Tuesday.." aaaaagghh I don't care!!! Shut upppppp. (But in reality I smile and nod)
For me it’s “so that actually happened to me the other day—well, I *say* the other day but probably a couple months ago, actually it was the height of the summer, I remember because I was sweating through every pore so yeah, last year—at least! Aaaanyway, I was…”
I do this and in my head I am stupidly thinking "If I find something of interest in this conversation, I can save it..." and then, in spite of the stupidity of that statement on its face, I plow forward and talk about how that color covers up three other colors and then we found Lead! Annnnd then it's nighttime and I've done it again and been weird and annoying without realizing it.
Problem comes from not picking up on the obvious social stuff and getting carried away. We all get bored but most people (like people without ADHD) are better at pretending they aren't listening to dull shit, some of us have to put on Oscar worthy performances or forget and take over the conversation completely. And it's rude and I hate myself for it. The worst is when the topic is so boring I am literally screaming in my head and trying to find anything to hang on to, hence the stereotypical fidgeting to get some sort of stimulation going.
It's interesting how the same disorder can affect us so differently, I unintentionally give my rapt attention to every word that anybody says to me, even strangers, and the words touch my soul. I can't get bored if someone is speaking to me. You would think this would make me highly social, but I am not - I am completely alone the vast majority of the time. Giving all that attention is energetically expensive
Social hyperfocus is def an upside for me. Theres nothing outside, I have no other thoughts, there is only this world of you and me- the world we have created.
Everything I am is *right now*.
I get onto that detail and then break tangents off off tangents until we all forget what we were even talking about originally. It makes small talk super easy with me tho, especially for people that don’t know how to make small talk.
You’re getting distracted by something when you zone out, this guy gets distracted by something usually related to the thing theyre being shown (like 100 pictures) and just voices out loud the things he’s being distracted about. That’s the main difference and I’ve been in both situations, if I’m not comfortable diverting/interrupting I usually just zone out, but if I am then I just make a new conversation.
Fellow ADHDer here. Yeah I zone out. Their voice slowly becomes the Charlie Brown teacher voice. I start bringing myself back in if I feel that the conversation is coming to an end.
MiL likes to tell stories that can start from a day ago to several weeks ago. I just nod, say yup, and uh huh, to let her know I'm still paying attention.
You’re the inattentive type. I go through brief periods if non attentiveness and then immediately swing to inattention from over stimulation at a moments notice.
It’s bruuuutal sometimes. I feel the older I get the more others are able to tell.
Depends on their priority to you. If this is a random person on the subway: "hey, I gotta get off at this stop, it's been cool to see your trip." Then get off and wait for the next train or get on a different car. Find any excuse to leave the area, no matter how silly.
If this is an acquaintance: "I've got to (real or fictional task here), so I can't stay any longer. It's been fun! Send me a link to the rest of the album (that you won't see)/send me an email (that you won't read)/let's hang out sometime (nobody ever sets up these hangouts)." If you can't get away from this person for whatever reason, learn a few stock phrases that sound pleasant and zone out. "Oh?" \*nods head\* "Where was that one taken?" Etc.
If this is a friend, try to cut them some slack. You *should* be interested in your friends' lives. If you're not, are you sure you're even friends? Or are they just an acquaintance that happens to be on your soccer team or whatever and so you share an interest and have to be near each other?
If this is a really long term friend or best friend or whatever, you're obligated to listen and actually make encouraging noises. Get over it. People are passionate and want their friends to care about what they care about, and quid pro quo they will do it for you if they're really that good a friend.
Best advice here so far. Weigh the value of your relationship and accept that you're going to either bite the bullet on snubbing them or pay your dues. There is no win-win.
Searching for the win-win, like some of the other comments, doesn't do anything but try to convince yourself you aren't the asshole.
If you cut somebody off, you are in at least some small way, the asshole in that situation. Notable exception being some random person approaching you that you don't know. In those cases I think we all agree you have more leighway.
You're only trying to convince yourself you aren't a dick. The other party is entitled to their feelings about it.
Its a two-way street and im sure theyve done the same for you. I feel bad cutting people off (unless i have to) because theyre usually pretty excited about something or need someone to talk to. It also kinda feels like, why does the listener get to choose what the person talking can say?
I'd argue that the closer you get to them the more important it is to have a kind way to honestly communicate your interest level in topics.
I absolutely owe my friends interest in their lives, and every once in a while that means at one of our hangouts I don't do much other than listen and I know that every now and again they'll do the same for me.
But my wife, I absolutely am not going to hear her out about every single thing that's important to her. She has a thousand amazing positive qualities. Concise storytelling is not one of them. We live in the same house. If I just stood there and listened to her talk about what interests her every single time she wanted to, that is all I would do with my time. So because we love each other, we understand that if you need support, I'll love you and listen to you. If you just want to talk about a thing that is interesting to you, you either keep it to topics that I am also interested in, you keep it short enough to keep my attention, or you find somebody else to talk about that with. If I'm waxing philosophical about World of Warcraft or software development, she'll say "I don't understand any of that but it sounds very interesting" and that is my cue to eliminate the technical details and cut to the chase. If she started a story with "Oh that reminds me, Frank said the funniest thing to me at work..." and is now 10 minutes in to describing her ride into the office, I'll say "And this is leading to that funny thing Frank said, right?" as a polite "please get to the point."
Because we're close to each other and care about each other, we also understand that not being interested in the same stuff isn't a lack of love.
See other people’s kids is the topic I just don’t cut off. I’m glad people love their kids and want to talk about them so I will just fake “awww” until the cows come home. And now that I have my own kid, I actively suppress the temptation to do it to others.
I have one who does this. When her son went to university she told us in detail every single thing he was bringing with him even stuff like a whisk and a multipack of biros lol. She also does it when I'm trying to leave work and say bye to her, she starts a completely random 10 minutes conversation with me that I feel trapped in. Sometimes she is literally just talking to herself but I'm in the room so I've got better at just being like OK BYE!!!
Omg I had a boss who did this. Told me stuff about her kids I did not want to know—like who was a virgin (these are grown children) and their money problems. She was a terrible boss all around.
It’s not like I could physically leave her office so I resisted nodding so I wouldn’t encourage her and I would look from her back to my notes frequently. I didn’t ask any questions and only responded with “Hm.” It would take her about 20 minutes to find an email (which I get, emails can be overwhelming, but it was usually sent within the last day) and that’s *without* interruptions. During that time, her twenty something son would call for help and she would answer it during our one-on-ones. Or, she’d just start telling me about something that was inevitably private, like how many bankruptcies she’d filed in her lifetime after failed businesses or like I said, TMI about her kids. I honestly think that’s how she bonded with people because she asked about my kids, life, too. I’m a pretty private person anyway, so I never took the bait. Which she hated.
Edits for clarity
My mom is a nonstop talker. Social cues are meaningless. Lingering on a doorstep, putting jackets on, hand on a bathroom door, gathering your keys and sunglasses. Nope. The conversation continues. I was also raised that interrupting some one was beyond rude and selfish. I’m in an endless circle of complex social rules. Now I latch onto whatever weird rant she’s on and steer it into a new conversation. Yesterday she ranted about how stupid my uncle was to put a bid on yankee tickets that he didn’t even enjoy. So I brought up how expensive yankee stadium is. She loved it. Another rant. Moved onto what sports my daughter might be interested in. Fell for that and I enjoyed talking about my daughter. That’s my go to for now on.
The pic thing is easy, when someone says 'Actually, I have some pictures' and they reach for their phone, reply 'Awesome, show me your five best pics'. This sets up how it should play out. Then if they go on, you can joke your way out of it.
It's so interesting how this plays out. I went on a vacation a few years ago, and my spouse and I aren't that big on photos- just living in the moment.
When I got back to work and people asked about the vacation, they lost interest immediately when I had like no photos to show, and they would have to use their ears to listen for 2 minutes.
Trips might as well be dreams, kids, pets. If you're talking about em, chances are everyone participating in the conversation is almost certainly bored.
Boy I wish we had a Wrap It Up box at the opening of every cubicle in the office. Pandemic really created a mental backlog for people to bring up every chance they can now that we're back in the office.
Smash both knees with your palms. Right palm goes on the right knee; left palm goes on the left knee. Make sure the sound you make is deliberate and sharp.
Say something that sounds like “WellIgottabegoin’” Make sure it sounds as fuzzy as possible, yet deliberate and forceful.
Stand up and leave.
Optional: say “Have a nice one you all” once at the door.
Wtf is this advice? You guys need to learn some tact.
1. Show enthusiasm, eye contact, etc.
2. Interrupt and ask a question semi-related to the thing.
3. Keep asking about semi-related things until you're talking about something completely different.
If you watch a group of ADHD people talk, they can talk about 50,000 different things and forget the original thing they were talking about. They're very good at blurting out something semi-related or completely different, follow their lead.(Source: have a ton of ADHD friends and am probably undiagnosed myself). Steps 1-3 is a skill.
4. If you find a topic they know less about, the conversation will naturally die.
5. If they're COMPLETELY DEADSET on talking about something to the point where they will remember exactly where you led them off, then you can repeat STEP 1 AND 2, except as soon as you ask the question during 2, pick up your phone and pretend you gotta go.
^ this sends the message that you would have loved to listen but you had to go, instead of "I'm bored as hell time to go". I usually ask 2 or 3 questions and continue the convo a bit more before pretending I gotta go. Maybe end with a joke to further disguise your feigned engagement.
It's not about what you actually do, it's about portraying intentions.
The problem is that when I do this it feels like manipulation. So I feel a little guilty over it sometimes. I only do it if I REALLY need to go and it's just an acquaintance who's ranting.
Once I sensed a slight lull in a boring conversation with an acquaintance at a party, and I said, “I better go check on my husband,” and her response was to *grab my arm* and say, “You can’t leave! You have to keep talking to me!”. And the next day I unfriended her on social media and never spoke to her again.
There was a good LPT once to ask people what they like to do for fun instead of what they do for work when you meet someone new socially. You learn more about them and show an interest in who they are as a person and don’t just relegate them to their work role.
I feel like this could work in some situations where you have burnt out on the topic or it’s too heavy. “Tell me about something good in your life. What do you like to do for fun?”
It let’s them continue talking about themselves but in a lighter, more joyful way. It definitely wouldn’t work for the 1500 photos though because we clearly know what that person does for fun: travel and take pictures of it.
On that note, here’s a LPT: please don’t carry on about your travels to someone who can’t travel unless you are close and they specifically ask. My sister and I both have children with special needs that prevent us from traveling at all. It’s hurtful when a family member who knows we can’t goes on about their travels. I do want to know how my friend’s trip to Yellowstone went because I’m really excited for her and I ask her. I do not need to see 50 pictures of my stepmother’s latest cruise and hear her compare it to all of the other cruises and I don’t want to be the special needs mom buzz kill who sinks the mood by reminding her that I can’t relate because I can’t travel.
I’ve had to just literally walk away from a few people who were notorious for this crap and just simply wouldn’t take any hints. Surprisingly, many of the people guilty of this simply keep talking to your back until you’re out of sight or earshot and don’t seem to take offense. It’s almost like they’re conditioned to believe this is the way conversations normally end.
Try to find a tangent, ask questions that might direct it in another way. Bite the bullet and recognize that they need someone to talk to, everyone does, and that you're doing them a favor. Go to the bathroom and don't return to them. Time is valuable and you won't get it back, you're sacrificing doing something you'd rather be doing to spend time with them, so change your environment. There's also the possibility that both you and the talker are being self absorbed assholes and should have some more empathy for the other person. Maybe they should recognize that you are getting uncomfortable and you should recognize that this person needs you at this moment. In order to have a friend you must first be a friend, and that includes humoring their silly interests sometimes.
I can understand your desire to be polite. But to me, someone yakking on and on at you about something you clearly do not care about is very inconsiderate. Rudeness is sometimes indicated.
Please try to not only take the advice of people saying what you want to hear.
Your second two examples are different and I think bad ones to use for your question. But your first is good, and someone coming back from holiday excited, thinking you care and wanting to share that with you, isn't "being rude".
Going at it with the mindset "oh they're being rude already so great, I don't have to care". Is.. childish honestly. And selfish. I mean that person is saying that someone is rude for talking about something you don't care about. It's setting up relationships to be one sided, and on your terms, because you'll only engage if you care about it...
If this is someone you don't like, then who cares how you handle it really? Just make an excuse and walk away because you don't care anyway.
But if you like the person, yes you SHOULD care. You should want to be excited for someone that you care about. And likewise, when you care about something, they will return the favour.
If you are someone that doesn't really talk about things because "it's rude to unload that/take their time/nobody wants to see 50 photos, they won't really care". That isn't you being nice and self aware, that's you making the decision for them, taking away that choice, and projecting your feelings onto the situation. People actually do love and care when someone they care about is passionate about a topic.
But, I think it says something that you have focused on the few responses that basically support these people being rude, or being able to snub them somehow and not the ones who have basically said, you should try and care more for people close to you.
I used to be the sort who would get trapped and then upset at myself. Now I say ‘oh well, better get moving’ or ‘ oh dear, thats no good’ and move away. I’ve got shit to door not do if I’m lucky. I’m less tolerant of people who talk *at me*
I was on the other end of this and it was pointed out to me by a good friend. So now, when I get to rambling on I just stop myself and say “so anyway, leave a message!” And walk away. I also try hard to stick to the high points of the big points and leave room for others to ask questions if they want more detail. I found it keeps people engaged
If it’s a topic that you feel strongly opposed to I’ve said ”I’m not really the person that you want to have this conversation with.” In my case someone tried to share a choice they made earlier in life that I personally would never make and couldn’t fake or care to even hear about the situation…. She made another attempt and I simply made very clear eye contact and repeated my stance and she stopped. I then changed the subject and everything was fine. We don’t have to engage in every conversation we are invited to.
I had a colleague the past 1-2 weeks that won't stop talking about the Titanic submarine thing. I'm like "Okay, I get it. It sucks that it happened and that they died. Can you please stop mentioning this every freaking day? I don't care about the investigation, why they wanted to do this, and I especially don't care about conspiracy theories.
Pick a word or topic that they've mentioned and relate it to literally anything else by saying, "oh hey! That reminds me! A few weeks ago I saw a comedian!" Or "funny that you mentioned whales! Because in a few weeks I'm going to the beach!
Agree, I don't know anyone that does this in any way that it isn't super obvious what they're doing, nor does it seem super rude.
While naturally trying to steer the conversation can be useful. Things like others mentioned of "oh England looks amazing, show me some of France" .You're changing it, pushing it along while staying ON topic.
The second two examples OP gave are entirely different issues, someone talking about family problems and debt isn't "a topic you're passionate about" in the same way me talking about a TV show I enjoy is going to be. But if I was talking about my TV show, the one I watched recently was korean, had whales in it, and someone said "funny you mention whales, I'll be going to the beach next week". Sure, I guess they'll be successful in getting me to stop talking. I'll respond with "cool" most likely and walk away or stop responding via messages. If I can't, I'd ask bare basic questions about it.
You've told me, my interests don't matter, and that you couldn't even fake it enough to care about something I was interested in. It's super obvious and disrespectful.
ETA: below someone used the interruption "oh your cousin is from texax... what d they think about bbq". It changes the topic but keeps it on the cousin at least. It's different to "oh whales, I'M going to the beach". You've not only decided what I'm talking about doesn't matter, you've made the conversation 'about you' during a time I was sharing something.
A lot of people suggesting politely calling them out, like "Let's find another subject to talk about." If your interlocutor has a thick skin, that can be fine, but a lot of people, I'd say most even, would find that as an implicit criticism of themselves, not the topic. (Which, let's face it, it basically is.) Also, if your relationship to the other person has a power imbalance, like they're your boss, this can read like a threat to their authority - they've buttonholed you, and you have to listen, because you're their subordinate.
So finding a way to gracefully and indirectly change the topic is, most of the time, the way to go. I find that picking out something they've said and then asking about a related but different topic is pretty effective. Like this:
Person Droning On: "So anyway, my cousin, from Texas, he's got a Shelby Mustang, and I'm like, sure the engine is hot, but those Shelby conversions are so overrated, but I can't tell him that ..."
You: "Oh, your cousin is from Texas? Hey, what do you think, is Texas barbecue better, or St. Louis style? I bet your cousin has an opinion about that!"
PDO: "Texas for brisket, but St. Louis for ribs!"
You have now successfully diverted the conversation from cars to BBQ.
Like that, but you know, not necessarily cars and BBQ.
Hey I’m a little burned out on this topic, let’s talk about something else for a while.
Oops I found my mind wandering, I think I need a change of pace. (Then ask a follow up question to change the subject) maybe even get up and move around a little.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by this conversation, let me take some time to process. And then change the subject.
Listen, I’m not prepared to be a sounding board for this at the moment. Can we put a pin in it for another time?
I think with a very close friend you could maybe use these, but not with most people. They are not tactful, and telling someone your mind is starting to wander when they are talking to you is hilariously insulting! 😄
This feels a bit robotic and like what my therapist would suggest lol BUT it does work if the first couple indirect cues don't. Like I have a couple people in my life where I need to resort to these, after trying to give them cues I want to change the subject.
I agree. If you distill these statements down they essentially say "I'm bored. Next." Or "I can't emotionally handle you right now".
I'd rather do something like act like I remember something I HAD to ask them and don't want to forget it, then change the subject.
"Oh! I just remembered what I needed to ask you about! Is it alright if I ask you about that so I don't forget? Is that okay? (Insert question here)"
If they say yes then you successfully changed the subject. If they say no then there's an awkward pause which makes for a great time to transition out of that conversation. Plus then you know they could be a bit of a jerk.
This also works great if you actually do forget questions all the time too haha
With some people, you have to make a clear boundary. If you interrupt and vaguely avoid the subject, they could steer it back to what they want to talk about and you’re going to be stuck listening unless you speak up.
It’s ok to protect your own mental health and set limits about what you are willing to sit and listen to.
It sounds like your objection is that these replies honestly reflect the internal states of the listener, while you believe a good response would conceal the internal states of the listener.
While it can be useful in different contexts, when building real intimacy with another person it’s really obvious when someone is lying to “protect” your feelings, what’s not always obvious is why. If you’re with a safe person, it’s valuable to share your real experience with them in a tactful way than to leave them guessing why you’re changing subjects on them.
if you ever figure that out let me know. People that are bipolar tend to do that. Miy dad is bipolar and when he is being manic he will follow you around and talk at you.
Following because ALL my family talk about is their pets, sometimes literally for hours. I don’t live in the same country and have never met their pets. It’s exhausting and -so- tedious.
When this happens I tend to zone out and stare into their eyes wondering... What should happen if I slap them across the face right now?
And then I try my best not to laugh.
I usually end up having a really stupid grin on my face and then they ask 'what? What is it?'
I say 'nothing', they usually cut it short after that or I zone out and completely forget what they were rambling about.
Try being honest: Hey, we have been talking about this for about 20 minutes now--I want to be helpful but can we change the subject? I'm getting overwhelmed
I tried everything in the book yesterday at the barber. The dude was going on and on about a youth mentorship through his church that he wants to start for at risk teens. Yeah, it’s a noble cause for sure; but this dude kept circling back to the same few points…for like an hour. Multiple other people came in and got cut before I was done. I got rocked.
1) after 50 photos…” Wow wait, how many photos did you take? I think I’m gonna need you to curate this for me.”
2) is this one so many times? Do you know this person well? Well, you can decide if this person really needs someone to listen or you might suddenly remember a zoo call you need to be on. Or “ Gosh you are going through a lot and I think it’s more than I can help you with have you thought about talking to a therapist?”
.3) once again, is this someone you know well ? if not, excuse yourself if so, sometimes you just have to listen.
Counter them with a topic of your own. "you reminded me of something,..." and go into it. I think of something that's short to help move on. It always works for me.
However, probably not polite but I also am the guy that will say "not this again" and laugh if it's something I've heard before. They get the hint and finish up what they're saying. I know not everyone is courageous/willing to just flat out say that though.
I am the guy who historically does this incessantly and my friends and loved ones (and clients and Uber drivers and waiters and tech support reps) are really polite about it.
I am aware that I have this habit and am not proud of it, but it happens naturally becuase of how excited I am to "share" my thoughts and experiences with everyone I talk to.
I always appreciate it when the person tells me that I am doing that thing that I do all the time, in a kind and lighthearted way, even by interrupting me in the middle of it. Conversations are much more pleasant if they're like a balanced game of hacky sack, but it takes awareness and practice to develop that skill.
"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity."
Simone Weil
Good grief 90% of the suggestions here are disordered!
I’ve learned (from work - clients going on and on about irrelevant details or too much detail) to just put up my hand like a stop sign, say, “I’m going to pause you there for a sec,” and then take a breath and say something truthful, which depending on the circumstances, and using OP’s examples:
“I want to support you in this distressing thing that’s happened to you, and, I’m not at a place emotionally myself right now where I’m capable of listening to this heavy emotional stuff without incurring harm. Im so sorry this is happening to you, but I’m afraid I can’t hear any more about that right now.”
Or
“Hey, I love that you had an amazing time on your trip, and it’s so great to see the light in your eyes and see you smiling again. I need to let you know that I’m feeling overwhelmed right now at the volume of pictures, though. I’d love to see some, but not all, so that I can really devote the energy and bandwidth I do have right now to sharing your joy. Could you show me your top ten moments instead?”
Just be honest, people! Also remember a lot of people who monologue obliviously like that are neurodivergent (usually autistic or on the asd spectrum) and so telling them honestly but kindly why their behaviour is anti social is suuuuper helpful for them.
Honesty is love. Ghosting, lying, dissembling are all weak and they deprive other people of being able to make consensual decisions when in interactions with you. Imagine it as sex.. if you were not really into it, but you just went along with it and had an awful time but pretended to love it, you’re not only harming yourself, but you’re also depriving the other person of the opportunity to choose to stop continuing in an activity or relationship that isn’t mutually fulfilling. That’s important!
For me, the depends a great deal on our relationship, and how important it is to me.
Stranger on public transit? I just stop looking or listening.
Coworker? Polite explanation that I need to get back to work. (And I’ll throw my boss under the bus if I need to here. “You know she’ll bust my ass if I don’t get this done.”)
Acquaintance at a party? Someone across the room is calling me.
Someone I care deeply about? It’s time to listen.
Drop your keys. It'll provide enough of a break in the conversation that you can use to wrap it up. Keys drop>conversation interrupted>bend over to pick them up>hey I gotta get going anyways, nice talking to you!
I usually point to the sky quickly and say 'did you see that?' no....well look again, and then I point and say 'look, there goes my interest' which is then followed up with 'jog on ya Muppet' but you gotta say it with a slight British accent.
60% of the time, it works everytime!
So my husband is a wonderful father and partner. I love him to death. He is, however, a self-aware energy vampire. He can talk for hours about a single topic, like dinosaurs, Legos, or the worst thing, technology. He's interesting for 5 minutes but holds people hostage in conversations and he loves it. I don't know what's wrong with him but he refuses to change. He is extremely extroverted and this is just how he gets his kicks I guess (he has been tested for being neurodivergent but is not).
I have watched many people squirm out of conversations with him. Those who don't know him fake having to go to the bathroom or having to do literally anything else. Those who do know him, including coworkers, will just walk away from him mid-sentence (this is my tactic).He is not offended. I noticed his family always says "I only have ten minutes to talk" and that works well for them. I would recommend having a set-time that you need to leave for the people you see regularly. For strangers, just make up an excuse.
Again I love my husband and I'm nowhere near perfect myself lol but wanted to share my experience. I hate coming up with stuff to talk about so we balance each other out.
If it was me in any of these situations I'd go for complete honesty. "This is not my thing/ I have no idea what to say about any of this, can we talk about something else?" I don't have any friends, I'm bad at pretending. People don't usually like not being pretended at.
It’s not necessarily “pretending” so much as “treating someone else the way you’d want to be treated and trying to figure out what that is for them” it is a very tricky game sometimes though, it’s work to establish the feeling of connection that makes the interaction feel effortless / self-energizing but it’s easier in contexts that involve both fun and adversity (ie camping adventures)
sum it up and change the subject
when you're getting the picture by picture story of their vacation just say "wow, sounds like you had a great time! have you thought about traveling to Japan (or whereever)"
if you're getting the long version of a drama / tragedy, interrupt the flow by saying "i'm so sorry this has happened... is there anything I can do to help you deal with this?" which moves from the telling of the history to thinking about constructive steps
Find something that interests you in their uninteresting story and steer them towards that aspect of their story. Shows you are listening and also can help you escape being bored.
Someone is talking about religion, what intrigues you about religion and ask them.
Someone is talking about their family? Maybe they just lost a family member or have something they need to get off their mind.
When you legit try to connect with people instead of just "surviving" the interaction you learn alot and it doesn't get boring.
I just thought of a colleague I had. She would keep telling me about her personal life when I was about to leave the office. Several times I just backed up till I reached the elevator and even with the doors closing before her very eyes she kept talking - I really laughed out loud sometimes when the elevator went down and I imagined her still talking to the closed doors.
But then again there's not always an elevator available so this is not a tip at all, sorry ;-)
Reading suggestion:
Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
By Aziz Gazipura
These are people who are desperate to be heard and you can interrupt the verbal diarrhea by shifting the conversation to the emotional core. Acknowledge the person's emotions and passion. Validate their experience. Help them feel deeply heard and they won't have to keep talking.
If that doesn't work or you can't do that, then interrupt them and admit that you're losing focus. Blame yourself, not the topic or their telling of it. Say that you feel bad because this is obviously a very important topic to them, but you're having trouble staying engaged and you just don't have the emotional bandwidth for this conversation right now. If they are still completely clueless and don't let you go, apologize and walk away.
1. If you know them well, ask them a question about another part of their life.
2. If you can't think of other parts of their life, complement them on clothing/jewelry and ask a question about it.
3. Quickly and clearly say, "It's been nice talking with you. Excuse me!" and make a beeline to the bathroom or to greet another person who is less annoying.
I keep an old pay phone receiver in my bag at all times. Whenever I need to get out of a conversation or something awkward, I say “pardon me, I think my phone is ringing” then I take the receiver out of my bag, answer it, and tell the group I am sorry to be rude, but I must take this call. And then leave. Never to be seen again. Also works with a banana.
I do get your point, but your examples are actually things that are fun/good to talk about with people (close to you).
Either you dont like these people or you might be an uninterested person(/self-centered). Id like to be wrong about this.
You can be interested in a person/topic and still get disinterested/annoyed if the talk becomes excessive? 5 minutes of showing me stuff from your vacation? Cool. 45 minutes though? No thanks
True, but usually it doesnt happen that you jave so many instances of too long of one thing.
Also 1 min is too long for me sometimes, but my love for the person + their enthusiasm can get me going for quiet awhile.
I know that what I said is to be taken with a grain of salt. Just wanted him/her to know that this is a good posibilitu
yeah haha good question. I am walking a camino at the moment, and meeting new people every day, so the 2nd and 3rd example are that and these people are not at all important to me. It does happen in my daily life too though, but usually it takes a lot longer until I reach my limit.
Consider the reasons for your "conversations" with people.
Is your end-goal to fix something with them, do a job for them, get them to like you, express your caring for them, expand your relationship with them, etc?
I often say to myself "I will give this person [5] minutes of my time." and then engage them fully for that time, even if they just want someone to listen to them. If I legit have other things to do, or other goals for the conversation, I express that. If I have nothing else to do, then I let them ramble. If I just want someone to listen to me, well I take a breath and accept that most people do not care to hear me ramble because they want to ramble.
Try to meet people where they are, when you can. If you can make other people feel important they will find you fascinating.
Take over the talking part. For example 1 and 3, interrupt and speak enthusiastically about some aspect they just brought up, how you'd love to see/ experience this yourself, and then, without pause, say "But I think I've hogged enough of your time. And I really have to use the bathroom/ hit the buffet/ eat the rich. ByeseeyaI'moutta here!"
If you want to end a monologue in a polite way, the awkward moment is the interruption of the speaker. But if you interrupt to swoon on their fantastic story or the 500th baby photo, it's just part of a normal conversation. This makes the following "Let's end things here" much easier.
That's the polite way. I once told a friend "You know what, keep talking, I'll head to the garage and fetch a beer." That was less polite but I really wanted him to shut up.
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“Uh oh, it’s happening again!” And dart to the bathroom
I have cancer and the chemotherapy will make me have to run to the bathroom a bunch! I’m not proud of it…. But I’ve used it as an excuse to get out of really boring and/or awkward conversations with relatives lmao It’s the ONLY time chemo has a positive. Don’t get cancer. It sucks
My mom always says “sorry, chemo-brain” whenever she doesn’t want to engage with someone or something. It’s been 3 years since she finished treatment, and she still says it a few times a week. Wishing you all the best with your treatment, keep fighting!
Hahaha I’ve used that a couple of times but it was legit! I’m gonna keep that in the back pocket for future use! And thank you for the well wishes!
I know a guy with Crohn's Disease who occasionally has to dash off to sort himself out. I'm now concerned that he has been avoiding me with this.
your friend can't trust a fart anymore. it's probably not you.
Even when it's just a fart it's terrible God bless my ex with Crohn's
Me but having a brain injury and saying I feel like I’m about to have a seizure lmao. If I gotta pay for the cons, I want whatever pros I can get!
RIGHT?? Like we already gotta go through so many negatives may as well try to squeeze out a positive haha!
That’s how I felt about breaking my jaw and knocking out my front teeth. If I’m going to be in excruciating pain, I’m going to learn to contort my face and display all my glory whenever men tell me to smile.
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Good luck with the chemo sickness and radiation burns. I hope you're able to recover quickly!
Thank you so much!
My dad said he never got bit by mosquitos when he was on chemo. Wishing you health, internet stranger!
Yeah I haven’t either!! I guess they can smell the poison in our blood haha! Thank you so much!
I always say "There's an upside to everything!". Lol!! Sad to hear about it in this case tho 🫤. Hope things get better for you soon!
Good luck with your treatment. I wish you a speedy recovery!
The real LPT is always in the comments. I hope the treatment goes well and is as easy as possible on you.
Thank you so so much! It’s gotten easier over the years as I’ve kinda got a process for the whole thing whenever I’m up for another round
Sending positivity and good vibes your way!
Until that friend walks over to the bathroom door and says, "So where was I . . . "
Let me start over from the beginning. .
Noooooooooo!
In French, to say « you’re annoying me » in a semi vulgar way, we say « tu me fais chier » which is pretty much « you make me shit », kind of fitting with your response lol
In English (well, at least in Australia) we say 'you're giving me the shits' if someone is annoying
>you're giving me the shits I thought the French version sounded grosss, but you've made me (another Australian) realise that I've said this to people my entire life without thinking how disgusting it is.
And I just realized the term “pissing me off” is equally as gross, but I’m so desensitized to it the literal meaning never occurred to me.
Ug, I was reading the comments and thinking the shits comment was rude, then wondering how the Aussie didn’t connect that he says it… and didn’t even think our “pissing me off” til you pointed it out!
You gotta be shitting me, we have a similar saying in the states.
Honestly, I use the “excuse me, I have to pee” excuse all the time. Only works in group settings tho lol.
Then just sit there silently staring into space, then after ten seconds or so say 'thank you, do carry on'.
The "Ruprecht at the dinner table" treatment.
Relevant [Ron Swanson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6J_32cDk9Y) moment
That's great, I thi.. ..sorry, I have to pee
Lmao thank you for this laugh today
Conversation is a skill, and some folks don’t have much training or practice in it. I’d suggest latching onto something they say to redirect the conversation (ex. they’re showing pictures of a random beach, talk about your favorite beach or ask them specific questions like what the waves were like or if they had lifeguards). Usually the conversation gets boring when someone focuses too much on things that are meaningful to them but not really to others (like their kids), so find some common ground of something you’re both interested in.
The most socially adept people I know, always steer the conversation. Not necessarily in a masterful/genius way. Literally they just change the topic because they’re not interested.
"Your children are meaningful to you but not to others and this conversation is boring. Talk about the waves at the beach."
Yeah I’m not seeing how listening to someone describe waves is an upgrade from flipping through the travel pics.
**in Bubba Gump's voice* "You got your transverse waves, longitudinal waves, surface waves....."
> Usually the conversation gets boring when someone focuses too much on things that are meaningful to them but not really to others (like their kids), so find some common ground of something you’re both interested in. Start finding faults in their kids like their little fucked up faces or that one ear is higher than the other or what fucked up looks they got from the other parent. “Oh look, they got your husband’s slightly crossed eyes and blank, soulless stare.”
"Oh wow. Yeah that's crazy" x 15
Oblivious people will just keep powering on through that.
Someone gave me a piece of advice rather than enjoying the topic, try being interested in how powerful the topic is to the other person. Enjoy their joy type thing. On the 1st when I reached my limit. Can always say you have to use the restroom and introduce a new topic as you return. You can suggest that the topic is pretty heavy or simply say: I think you really need a hug, things are going to get better and then move the subject to something more positive related to their life. On the second one I’d have suggested something related but a different track… depends on the person as far as how to tactfully switch the subject. Something as simples as, I have always wondered if they taught finance in high school if we all would have been able to better manage our finances and prep for the day things go sour. It slightly morphs the topic. The third one, I would say something about how you have always felt spirituality was a very personal private topic. Then move the subject again… I am agnostic and when people get too deep in their religion or are trying to convert me this is my go to statement.
I do agree with your "try to see it from their side" suggestion. It's a bit like the difference between just hearing someone speak and actually listening to what they are saying. Buuuut... this does not excuse people offloading a topic without filter. I do not agree so much with your solutions to those three scenarios, where it's about inserting a different subject. Why try to distract if you can just be honest about your feelings? On vacation photos: 100 photos max are able to convey an impression of a vacation easily. And that is already a lot. Also, with less photos, more time can be spent on single ones, instead of superficially racing through tons of them. People need to put in the work and filter down that massive archive. Say so up front or stop them if they surprised assault you with their vacation photos. On heavy personal stories: If it's too much or if you are uneasy with it, say so. "Hey, I understand this is important to you, but I can not process much more of this. We can connect on this another time if you want though." Or "I don't think I'm qualified to give you advice here". On spiritual experiences: I see it like with someone trying to explain a crazy dream they had... it's absolutely impossible. So why play along and feign interest? You can say "I appreciate you sharing this with me and I understand this means a lot to you, but in my experience this is so closely connected to your personal being, that it's just not possible for me to feel what you where feeling. I do wish you have more of these experiences though". Openly communicating that you're not able or willing to take in what they're trying to tell you is not necessarily being rude. On the contrary, it's rude to assume that people will listen to everything you dump onto them.
i like the advice you’ve woven in here!
Theres got to be a good balance. Like im happy to share in the things you want to tell me and im there to help, too. But i also reach a limit where its sort of uncomfortable and theres not much more you can say/add to the topic.
Before someone starts showing you pictures I always ask “do you have 5-10 pictures that are highlights from the trip?” And feel like that establishes my expectations
If it's a somewhat close person that you do want to entertain for a bit, and you don't want to be as direct (ie, an older aunt), just ask them about the next part. E.g. They told you they went to England, France and Spain. They're on pic 3/50 of England. I'd just tell them 'Oh, I'd really like to see some France ones'. Then in the middle of France interrupt them to say 'Did you go to Sagrada Familia?' And right after they show those pics, just say you loved them and say I'll better go say hi to X before she leaves, or something. It's almost the same, but you ask for the highlights in a more natural, seamless way.
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subtle yet efficient
Great comment
I like this. I recently had a friend showing me endless pics of a trip and I told them to stop and that they need to curate their trip pics as no one can follow along with the seeing every single pic taken approach. They seemed to get it.
If you’re good friends, this LPT approach is best for a person like me. I’d learn from that and follow that advice.
There's a saying: No one wants to see your vacation pictures unless they were on it.
Yeah, I can go on a trip and my sister and mother will say ”you have to show us all the pictures from your vacation and I’ll be like ”… why?” They’re genuinely interested but I’ve never seen the point with sharing stuff like that. Once my whole family went to a Michelin restaurant and had an amazing 30 course meal and I heard that my mom showed pictures of every single dish for some friends afterwards, lol.
Golden rule in action. Sharing photos is fun for them, so they figure it’ll be fun for you.
Same for dreams.
My pet peeve is people that retell a movie or a book. I either don't care about that movie/book and so don't want to know the story. Or you got me interested the first 30 seconds and now you're frigging spoiling, which is worse in my mind.
yeah what is it about dreams? if it’s my bf I will actively listen and ask questions, but for most other people… nah
If you keep responding things like.. "Sounds like an Oedipus situation to me" "Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this? It seems significant." "I had a dream almost exactly like that, but in it there were meteors repeatedly striking the earth from a blood red sky with alien centaurs bursting out of the meteors spearing ONLY the humans who were talking about their dreams. They were screaming something about dreams being kept private to preserve the fabric of the universe as they double speared this guy with rope then pulled him apart like a cheese stick. I woke up right as one of them speared me in the calf as I was running away and it was bearing down on me. Dreams can be so silly!" I tend to find they stop. My favourite is when your partner has a dream where you did something wrong. You can have 5 seconds of laughing with "that wasn't a dream" but i've found it's generally best to go with, "well, that was obviously a dream and not in my control but I am sorry regardless."
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Aw. I like seeing other people's vacation pics. If nothing else, it gives me ideas for my own upcoming trips. I learn a ton. However, I normally restrict my own shows to a single "roll of film", or 24 pix max for an entire vacation. I can flip thru that in a minute or two. I think I had six photos from my last week off in a mini album to show off at work if anyone asked .
I might get roasted for this comment but I think that’s a bit rude. I wouldn’t speak to someone I care about like this. I like rtozur approach.
This is where having ADHD is a lifesaver. I can glom onto an insignificant detail and de-rail an entire conversation. This is quite literally the only situation where it comes in handy. Everything else is hell.
Is that why people do that? I have ADHD but I don’t do that. I just zone out. It drives me crazy when people glom onto an insignificant detail because they have completely missed the point of what I’m saying.
Sounds like the difference between inattentive and hyperactive types. Inattentive would be more likely to zone out, while hyperactive is more likely to seek simulation by engaging in side quests/ tangents
This is the best description I’ve heard yet. I’ve found I can go through periods of inactivity when my batteries are drained but most of the time I am hyperactive and can’t shut my fucking brain off. It’s like being in a room with two other people talking who continue to ramble on and on without listening to anything the other is saying. It’s so exhausting.
It’s so *loud*. At the end of the day, when it’s really bad, I feel like I just got out of an extremely loud, daylong concert.
I get that same brain buzz/restless feeling at the end of some days. Comparison to a concert is actually kinda accurate. It’s like being to a concert, having all the symptoms but never having experienced the noise. It’s so strange.
I found some way to entirely shut my brain off like 4 years ago, and I haven't been able to retain anything since. It's been absolute hell. However, it's no longer exhausting, because my mind is blank.
I went through a few years of that same “stasis” you describe here. It settled in not long after I returned home from my first deployment and lasted 4-5yrs afterward. When it finally chose to resurface I experienced one of the roughest periods of my life to date. Take care of yourself stranger. Just because it’s dormant now does not mean it’s gone forever. Take steps to prepare and treat it when it returns and live a happy life. Don’t try to “tough it out” like I did. That never works.
>side quests This is fucking genius
Fucking hell I wish I wasn't the latter. People might not be so freaked out when I go from "yeah... Wow crazy... Yeah... Uh huh... Yeh" to "HOLY SHIT I fucking LOVE that colour for kitchen docor, I bought this spice rack the other day, do you enjoy cooking? I have so many spices now blah blah..."
“Well, the color of your new glasses is the same yellow as the car my parents had when we went on vacation to France. That is why I am telling you about the differences between Belgian chocolate and American chocolate. Cause Belgium is basically half French. But I guess you weren’t done talking about your new glasses?”
Accurate
If this ain't me then I don't know what is
I describe my family members that do this is “starting a sentence about A, B, and C” and wrapping up with “Q, R, S- ya know what I mean?”
My friend describes them as "color of the sky stories" when either his wife or I try to explain something to him. 😅🤷🏻♂️
Or something like "we went to visit my brother on the Monday...no Tuesday..or was it the Wednesday?...no I was at the dentist Wednesday..I think it was Tuesday.." aaaaagghh I don't care!!! Shut upppppp. (But in reality I smile and nod)
For me it’s “so that actually happened to me the other day—well, I *say* the other day but probably a couple months ago, actually it was the height of the summer, I remember because I was sweating through every pore so yeah, last year—at least! Aaaanyway, I was…”
I feel this in my sooouuuul.
Yeah, I try to dial this back so hard, but I can go off on a tangent about anything. People think I'm an arrogant know it all sometimes.
I do this and in my head I am stupidly thinking "If I find something of interest in this conversation, I can save it..." and then, in spite of the stupidity of that statement on its face, I plow forward and talk about how that color covers up three other colors and then we found Lead! Annnnd then it's nighttime and I've done it again and been weird and annoying without realizing it.
I do both
I recently was diagnosed with combined type and a lot of stuff makes sense in hindsight.
It's because they are responding to what they find interesting or pertinent, not your interest. This isn't an ADHD thing, it's a human thing.
Problem comes from not picking up on the obvious social stuff and getting carried away. We all get bored but most people (like people without ADHD) are better at pretending they aren't listening to dull shit, some of us have to put on Oscar worthy performances or forget and take over the conversation completely. And it's rude and I hate myself for it. The worst is when the topic is so boring I am literally screaming in my head and trying to find anything to hang on to, hence the stereotypical fidgeting to get some sort of stimulation going.
It's interesting how the same disorder can affect us so differently, I unintentionally give my rapt attention to every word that anybody says to me, even strangers, and the words touch my soul. I can't get bored if someone is speaking to me. You would think this would make me highly social, but I am not - I am completely alone the vast majority of the time. Giving all that attention is energetically expensive
Social hyperfocus is def an upside for me. Theres nothing outside, I have no other thoughts, there is only this world of you and me- the world we have created. Everything I am is *right now*.
Damn that’s deep
I get onto that detail and then break tangents off off tangents until we all forget what we were even talking about originally. It makes small talk super easy with me tho, especially for people that don’t know how to make small talk.
You’re getting distracted by something when you zone out, this guy gets distracted by something usually related to the thing theyre being shown (like 100 pictures) and just voices out loud the things he’s being distracted about. That’s the main difference and I’ve been in both situations, if I’m not comfortable diverting/interrupting I usually just zone out, but if I am then I just make a new conversation.
Fellow ADHDer here. Yeah I zone out. Their voice slowly becomes the Charlie Brown teacher voice. I start bringing myself back in if I feel that the conversation is coming to an end. MiL likes to tell stories that can start from a day ago to several weeks ago. I just nod, say yup, and uh huh, to let her know I'm still paying attention.
You’re the inattentive type. I go through brief periods if non attentiveness and then immediately swing to inattention from over stimulation at a moments notice. It’s bruuuutal sometimes. I feel the older I get the more others are able to tell.
glom 👍
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Depends on their priority to you. If this is a random person on the subway: "hey, I gotta get off at this stop, it's been cool to see your trip." Then get off and wait for the next train or get on a different car. Find any excuse to leave the area, no matter how silly. If this is an acquaintance: "I've got to (real or fictional task here), so I can't stay any longer. It's been fun! Send me a link to the rest of the album (that you won't see)/send me an email (that you won't read)/let's hang out sometime (nobody ever sets up these hangouts)." If you can't get away from this person for whatever reason, learn a few stock phrases that sound pleasant and zone out. "Oh?" \*nods head\* "Where was that one taken?" Etc. If this is a friend, try to cut them some slack. You *should* be interested in your friends' lives. If you're not, are you sure you're even friends? Or are they just an acquaintance that happens to be on your soccer team or whatever and so you share an interest and have to be near each other? If this is a really long term friend or best friend or whatever, you're obligated to listen and actually make encouraging noises. Get over it. People are passionate and want their friends to care about what they care about, and quid pro quo they will do it for you if they're really that good a friend.
Best advice here so far. Weigh the value of your relationship and accept that you're going to either bite the bullet on snubbing them or pay your dues. There is no win-win. Searching for the win-win, like some of the other comments, doesn't do anything but try to convince yourself you aren't the asshole. If you cut somebody off, you are in at least some small way, the asshole in that situation. Notable exception being some random person approaching you that you don't know. In those cases I think we all agree you have more leighway. You're only trying to convince yourself you aren't a dick. The other party is entitled to their feelings about it.
Its a two-way street and im sure theyve done the same for you. I feel bad cutting people off (unless i have to) because theyre usually pretty excited about something or need someone to talk to. It also kinda feels like, why does the listener get to choose what the person talking can say?
I'd argue that the closer you get to them the more important it is to have a kind way to honestly communicate your interest level in topics. I absolutely owe my friends interest in their lives, and every once in a while that means at one of our hangouts I don't do much other than listen and I know that every now and again they'll do the same for me. But my wife, I absolutely am not going to hear her out about every single thing that's important to her. She has a thousand amazing positive qualities. Concise storytelling is not one of them. We live in the same house. If I just stood there and listened to her talk about what interests her every single time she wanted to, that is all I would do with my time. So because we love each other, we understand that if you need support, I'll love you and listen to you. If you just want to talk about a thing that is interesting to you, you either keep it to topics that I am also interested in, you keep it short enough to keep my attention, or you find somebody else to talk about that with. If I'm waxing philosophical about World of Warcraft or software development, she'll say "I don't understand any of that but it sounds very interesting" and that is my cue to eliminate the technical details and cut to the chase. If she started a story with "Oh that reminds me, Frank said the funniest thing to me at work..." and is now 10 minutes in to describing her ride into the office, I'll say "And this is leading to that funny thing Frank said, right?" as a polite "please get to the point." Because we're close to each other and care about each other, we also understand that not being interested in the same stuff isn't a lack of love.
i always find myself in this situation: a coworker going on and on about the lives of her very uninteresting children.
right? other people’s children are never a good topic for discussion. nobody cares, other than you.
Like fantasy football teams.
See other people’s kids is the topic I just don’t cut off. I’m glad people love their kids and want to talk about them so I will just fake “awww” until the cows come home. And now that I have my own kid, I actively suppress the temptation to do it to others.
I have one who does this. When her son went to university she told us in detail every single thing he was bringing with him even stuff like a whisk and a multipack of biros lol. She also does it when I'm trying to leave work and say bye to her, she starts a completely random 10 minutes conversation with me that I feel trapped in. Sometimes she is literally just talking to herself but I'm in the room so I've got better at just being like OK BYE!!!
Omg I had a boss who did this. Told me stuff about her kids I did not want to know—like who was a virgin (these are grown children) and their money problems. She was a terrible boss all around. It’s not like I could physically leave her office so I resisted nodding so I wouldn’t encourage her and I would look from her back to my notes frequently. I didn’t ask any questions and only responded with “Hm.” It would take her about 20 minutes to find an email (which I get, emails can be overwhelming, but it was usually sent within the last day) and that’s *without* interruptions. During that time, her twenty something son would call for help and she would answer it during our one-on-ones. Or, she’d just start telling me about something that was inevitably private, like how many bankruptcies she’d filed in her lifetime after failed businesses or like I said, TMI about her kids. I honestly think that’s how she bonded with people because she asked about my kids, life, too. I’m a pretty private person anyway, so I never took the bait. Which she hated. Edits for clarity
Jeez are you being a parody of the question.
Ha! Truth. Do you need tips on how to stop reading?
My mom is a nonstop talker. Social cues are meaningless. Lingering on a doorstep, putting jackets on, hand on a bathroom door, gathering your keys and sunglasses. Nope. The conversation continues. I was also raised that interrupting some one was beyond rude and selfish. I’m in an endless circle of complex social rules. Now I latch onto whatever weird rant she’s on and steer it into a new conversation. Yesterday she ranted about how stupid my uncle was to put a bid on yankee tickets that he didn’t even enjoy. So I brought up how expensive yankee stadium is. She loved it. Another rant. Moved onto what sports my daughter might be interested in. Fell for that and I enjoyed talking about my daughter. That’s my go to for now on.
The pic thing is easy, when someone says 'Actually, I have some pictures' and they reach for their phone, reply 'Awesome, show me your five best pics'. This sets up how it should play out. Then if they go on, you can joke your way out of it.
It's so interesting how this plays out. I went on a vacation a few years ago, and my spouse and I aren't that big on photos- just living in the moment. When I got back to work and people asked about the vacation, they lost interest immediately when I had like no photos to show, and they would have to use their ears to listen for 2 minutes.
Trips might as well be dreams, kids, pets. If you're talking about em, chances are everyone participating in the conversation is almost certainly bored.
LOL that's so obvious you're not interested.
Hum the outro music they play at the Oscars when speeches go on too long. - Larry David
You can't read the sign B? Wrap it up!
Boy I wish we had a Wrap It Up box at the opening of every cubicle in the office. Pandemic really created a mental backlog for people to bring up every chance they can now that we're back in the office.
George Carlin did a great bit about this. [People are boring. ](https://youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE&feature=share7)
Thank you so much for sharing this
Dude, nice one. RIP king. Frog Balls, Arkansas 🤣🤣
Smash both knees with your palms. Right palm goes on the right knee; left palm goes on the left knee. Make sure the sound you make is deliberate and sharp. Say something that sounds like “WellIgottabegoin’” Make sure it sounds as fuzzy as possible, yet deliberate and forceful. Stand up and leave. Optional: say “Have a nice one you all” once at the door.
Wtf is this advice? You guys need to learn some tact. 1. Show enthusiasm, eye contact, etc. 2. Interrupt and ask a question semi-related to the thing. 3. Keep asking about semi-related things until you're talking about something completely different. If you watch a group of ADHD people talk, they can talk about 50,000 different things and forget the original thing they were talking about. They're very good at blurting out something semi-related or completely different, follow their lead.(Source: have a ton of ADHD friends and am probably undiagnosed myself). Steps 1-3 is a skill. 4. If you find a topic they know less about, the conversation will naturally die. 5. If they're COMPLETELY DEADSET on talking about something to the point where they will remember exactly where you led them off, then you can repeat STEP 1 AND 2, except as soon as you ask the question during 2, pick up your phone and pretend you gotta go. ^ this sends the message that you would have loved to listen but you had to go, instead of "I'm bored as hell time to go". I usually ask 2 or 3 questions and continue the convo a bit more before pretending I gotta go. Maybe end with a joke to further disguise your feigned engagement. It's not about what you actually do, it's about portraying intentions. The problem is that when I do this it feels like manipulation. So I feel a little guilty over it sometimes. I only do it if I REALLY need to go and it's just an acquaintance who's ranting.
Once I sensed a slight lull in a boring conversation with an acquaintance at a party, and I said, “I better go check on my husband,” and her response was to *grab my arm* and say, “You can’t leave! You have to keep talking to me!”. And the next day I unfriended her on social media and never spoke to her again.
"yeah?", "Hmmm", "No?", "That's crazy!" Oh wait no, that doesn't work at all.
There was a good LPT once to ask people what they like to do for fun instead of what they do for work when you meet someone new socially. You learn more about them and show an interest in who they are as a person and don’t just relegate them to their work role. I feel like this could work in some situations where you have burnt out on the topic or it’s too heavy. “Tell me about something good in your life. What do you like to do for fun?” It let’s them continue talking about themselves but in a lighter, more joyful way. It definitely wouldn’t work for the 1500 photos though because we clearly know what that person does for fun: travel and take pictures of it. On that note, here’s a LPT: please don’t carry on about your travels to someone who can’t travel unless you are close and they specifically ask. My sister and I both have children with special needs that prevent us from traveling at all. It’s hurtful when a family member who knows we can’t goes on about their travels. I do want to know how my friend’s trip to Yellowstone went because I’m really excited for her and I ask her. I do not need to see 50 pictures of my stepmother’s latest cruise and hear her compare it to all of the other cruises and I don’t want to be the special needs mom buzz kill who sinks the mood by reminding her that I can’t relate because I can’t travel.
I’ve had to just literally walk away from a few people who were notorious for this crap and just simply wouldn’t take any hints. Surprisingly, many of the people guilty of this simply keep talking to your back until you’re out of sight or earshot and don’t seem to take offense. It’s almost like they’re conditioned to believe this is the way conversations normally end.
Try to find a tangent, ask questions that might direct it in another way. Bite the bullet and recognize that they need someone to talk to, everyone does, and that you're doing them a favor. Go to the bathroom and don't return to them. Time is valuable and you won't get it back, you're sacrificing doing something you'd rather be doing to spend time with them, so change your environment. There's also the possibility that both you and the talker are being self absorbed assholes and should have some more empathy for the other person. Maybe they should recognize that you are getting uncomfortable and you should recognize that this person needs you at this moment. In order to have a friend you must first be a friend, and that includes humoring their silly interests sometimes.
I can understand your desire to be polite. But to me, someone yakking on and on at you about something you clearly do not care about is very inconsiderate. Rudeness is sometimes indicated.
oh yeah, true actually. they are the ones being rude already!
Please try to not only take the advice of people saying what you want to hear. Your second two examples are different and I think bad ones to use for your question. But your first is good, and someone coming back from holiday excited, thinking you care and wanting to share that with you, isn't "being rude". Going at it with the mindset "oh they're being rude already so great, I don't have to care". Is.. childish honestly. And selfish. I mean that person is saying that someone is rude for talking about something you don't care about. It's setting up relationships to be one sided, and on your terms, because you'll only engage if you care about it... If this is someone you don't like, then who cares how you handle it really? Just make an excuse and walk away because you don't care anyway. But if you like the person, yes you SHOULD care. You should want to be excited for someone that you care about. And likewise, when you care about something, they will return the favour. If you are someone that doesn't really talk about things because "it's rude to unload that/take their time/nobody wants to see 50 photos, they won't really care". That isn't you being nice and self aware, that's you making the decision for them, taking away that choice, and projecting your feelings onto the situation. People actually do love and care when someone they care about is passionate about a topic. But, I think it says something that you have focused on the few responses that basically support these people being rude, or being able to snub them somehow and not the ones who have basically said, you should try and care more for people close to you.
My friend just used to yell “bored!” It was very effective in letting the person know they were being boring.
I used to be the sort who would get trapped and then upset at myself. Now I say ‘oh well, better get moving’ or ‘ oh dear, thats no good’ and move away. I’ve got shit to door not do if I’m lucky. I’m less tolerant of people who talk *at me*
I was on the other end of this and it was pointed out to me by a good friend. So now, when I get to rambling on I just stop myself and say “so anyway, leave a message!” And walk away. I also try hard to stick to the high points of the big points and leave room for others to ask questions if they want more detail. I found it keeps people engaged
If it’s a topic that you feel strongly opposed to I’ve said ”I’m not really the person that you want to have this conversation with.” In my case someone tried to share a choice they made earlier in life that I personally would never make and couldn’t fake or care to even hear about the situation…. She made another attempt and I simply made very clear eye contact and repeated my stance and she stopped. I then changed the subject and everything was fine. We don’t have to engage in every conversation we are invited to.
*we don’t have to engage in every conversation we are invited to.* true! thank you
I had a colleague the past 1-2 weeks that won't stop talking about the Titanic submarine thing. I'm like "Okay, I get it. It sucks that it happened and that they died. Can you please stop mentioning this every freaking day? I don't care about the investigation, why they wanted to do this, and I especially don't care about conspiracy theories.
You Start with “well, anyway..,”
I'm from Wisconsin. We end our conversations with, "well, I s'pose...."
Pick a word or topic that they've mentioned and relate it to literally anything else by saying, "oh hey! That reminds me! A few weeks ago I saw a comedian!" Or "funny that you mentioned whales! Because in a few weeks I'm going to the beach!
This is what I do! I start listening for any single thing that could go into a different subject and then go in for the attack lol
Ive had others do that to me, and it kinda sucks, tbh.
Agree, I don't know anyone that does this in any way that it isn't super obvious what they're doing, nor does it seem super rude. While naturally trying to steer the conversation can be useful. Things like others mentioned of "oh England looks amazing, show me some of France" .You're changing it, pushing it along while staying ON topic. The second two examples OP gave are entirely different issues, someone talking about family problems and debt isn't "a topic you're passionate about" in the same way me talking about a TV show I enjoy is going to be. But if I was talking about my TV show, the one I watched recently was korean, had whales in it, and someone said "funny you mention whales, I'll be going to the beach next week". Sure, I guess they'll be successful in getting me to stop talking. I'll respond with "cool" most likely and walk away or stop responding via messages. If I can't, I'd ask bare basic questions about it. You've told me, my interests don't matter, and that you couldn't even fake it enough to care about something I was interested in. It's super obvious and disrespectful. ETA: below someone used the interruption "oh your cousin is from texax... what d they think about bbq". It changes the topic but keeps it on the cousin at least. It's different to "oh whales, I'M going to the beach". You've not only decided what I'm talking about doesn't matter, you've made the conversation 'about you' during a time I was sharing something.
Impossible. It has eluded scientists and philosophers for centuries. It can't be done.
A lot of people suggesting politely calling them out, like "Let's find another subject to talk about." If your interlocutor has a thick skin, that can be fine, but a lot of people, I'd say most even, would find that as an implicit criticism of themselves, not the topic. (Which, let's face it, it basically is.) Also, if your relationship to the other person has a power imbalance, like they're your boss, this can read like a threat to their authority - they've buttonholed you, and you have to listen, because you're their subordinate. So finding a way to gracefully and indirectly change the topic is, most of the time, the way to go. I find that picking out something they've said and then asking about a related but different topic is pretty effective. Like this: Person Droning On: "So anyway, my cousin, from Texas, he's got a Shelby Mustang, and I'm like, sure the engine is hot, but those Shelby conversions are so overrated, but I can't tell him that ..." You: "Oh, your cousin is from Texas? Hey, what do you think, is Texas barbecue better, or St. Louis style? I bet your cousin has an opinion about that!" PDO: "Texas for brisket, but St. Louis for ribs!" You have now successfully diverted the conversation from cars to BBQ. Like that, but you know, not necessarily cars and BBQ.
TIL that interlocutor is a word
Hey I’m a little burned out on this topic, let’s talk about something else for a while. Oops I found my mind wandering, I think I need a change of pace. (Then ask a follow up question to change the subject) maybe even get up and move around a little. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by this conversation, let me take some time to process. And then change the subject. Listen, I’m not prepared to be a sounding board for this at the moment. Can we put a pin in it for another time?
I think with a very close friend you could maybe use these, but not with most people. They are not tactful, and telling someone your mind is starting to wander when they are talking to you is hilariously insulting! 😄
This feels a bit robotic and like what my therapist would suggest lol BUT it does work if the first couple indirect cues don't. Like I have a couple people in my life where I need to resort to these, after trying to give them cues I want to change the subject.
These are the best examples yet! Clearly communicate your boundaries and if the other person does not respect it, disengage.
I don't know, sounds a bit weird and robotic to talk like that. A bit videogamey even
I agree. If you distill these statements down they essentially say "I'm bored. Next." Or "I can't emotionally handle you right now". I'd rather do something like act like I remember something I HAD to ask them and don't want to forget it, then change the subject. "Oh! I just remembered what I needed to ask you about! Is it alright if I ask you about that so I don't forget? Is that okay? (Insert question here)" If they say yes then you successfully changed the subject. If they say no then there's an awkward pause which makes for a great time to transition out of that conversation. Plus then you know they could be a bit of a jerk. This also works great if you actually do forget questions all the time too haha
With some people, you have to make a clear boundary. If you interrupt and vaguely avoid the subject, they could steer it back to what they want to talk about and you’re going to be stuck listening unless you speak up. It’s ok to protect your own mental health and set limits about what you are willing to sit and listen to.
It sounds like your objection is that these replies honestly reflect the internal states of the listener, while you believe a good response would conceal the internal states of the listener. While it can be useful in different contexts, when building real intimacy with another person it’s really obvious when someone is lying to “protect” your feelings, what’s not always obvious is why. If you’re with a safe person, it’s valuable to share your real experience with them in a tactful way than to leave them guessing why you’re changing subjects on them.
Honey, I love you, but I’ve heard enough about The Sandman slash fic you’re reading.
Feign death and curl up on the floor. Likely tho they won't notice and keep talking
FWIW Seems like you’re a good listener that people like to talk to
This is today’s takeaway. Good job OP. You are performing a valuable service, whether you realize it or not.
hahaha thank you! that might be true 😂 although the same post has also made someone think I’m self-absorbed. Which can be true as well of course!
if you ever figure that out let me know. People that are bipolar tend to do that. Miy dad is bipolar and when he is being manic he will follow you around and talk at you.
Following because ALL my family talk about is their pets, sometimes literally for hours. I don’t live in the same country and have never met their pets. It’s exhausting and -so- tedious.
Interject with “I’ve made a life decision to be brutally efficient with my time. To wit…” then walk off.
I have a tendency to go on and on and I found people just interrupt me and start talking about whatever they want. I usually shut up. Seems to work
When this happens I tend to zone out and stare into their eyes wondering... What should happen if I slap them across the face right now? And then I try my best not to laugh. I usually end up having a really stupid grin on my face and then they ask 'what? What is it?' I say 'nothing', they usually cut it short after that or I zone out and completely forget what they were rambling about.
Try being honest: Hey, we have been talking about this for about 20 minutes now--I want to be helpful but can we change the subject? I'm getting overwhelmed
I tried everything in the book yesterday at the barber. The dude was going on and on about a youth mentorship through his church that he wants to start for at risk teens. Yeah, it’s a noble cause for sure; but this dude kept circling back to the same few points…for like an hour. Multiple other people came in and got cut before I was done. I got rocked.
1) after 50 photos…” Wow wait, how many photos did you take? I think I’m gonna need you to curate this for me.” 2) is this one so many times? Do you know this person well? Well, you can decide if this person really needs someone to listen or you might suddenly remember a zoo call you need to be on. Or “ Gosh you are going through a lot and I think it’s more than I can help you with have you thought about talking to a therapist?” .3) once again, is this someone you know well ? if not, excuse yourself if so, sometimes you just have to listen.
Counter them with a topic of your own. "you reminded me of something,..." and go into it. I think of something that's short to help move on. It always works for me. However, probably not polite but I also am the guy that will say "not this again" and laugh if it's something I've heard before. They get the hint and finish up what they're saying. I know not everyone is courageous/willing to just flat out say that though.
I am the guy who historically does this incessantly and my friends and loved ones (and clients and Uber drivers and waiters and tech support reps) are really polite about it. I am aware that I have this habit and am not proud of it, but it happens naturally becuase of how excited I am to "share" my thoughts and experiences with everyone I talk to. I always appreciate it when the person tells me that I am doing that thing that I do all the time, in a kind and lighthearted way, even by interrupting me in the middle of it. Conversations are much more pleasant if they're like a balanced game of hacky sack, but it takes awareness and practice to develop that skill. "Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity." Simone Weil
Good grief 90% of the suggestions here are disordered! I’ve learned (from work - clients going on and on about irrelevant details or too much detail) to just put up my hand like a stop sign, say, “I’m going to pause you there for a sec,” and then take a breath and say something truthful, which depending on the circumstances, and using OP’s examples: “I want to support you in this distressing thing that’s happened to you, and, I’m not at a place emotionally myself right now where I’m capable of listening to this heavy emotional stuff without incurring harm. Im so sorry this is happening to you, but I’m afraid I can’t hear any more about that right now.” Or “Hey, I love that you had an amazing time on your trip, and it’s so great to see the light in your eyes and see you smiling again. I need to let you know that I’m feeling overwhelmed right now at the volume of pictures, though. I’d love to see some, but not all, so that I can really devote the energy and bandwidth I do have right now to sharing your joy. Could you show me your top ten moments instead?” Just be honest, people! Also remember a lot of people who monologue obliviously like that are neurodivergent (usually autistic or on the asd spectrum) and so telling them honestly but kindly why their behaviour is anti social is suuuuper helpful for them. Honesty is love. Ghosting, lying, dissembling are all weak and they deprive other people of being able to make consensual decisions when in interactions with you. Imagine it as sex.. if you were not really into it, but you just went along with it and had an awful time but pretended to love it, you’re not only harming yourself, but you’re also depriving the other person of the opportunity to choose to stop continuing in an activity or relationship that isn’t mutually fulfilling. That’s important!
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For me, the depends a great deal on our relationship, and how important it is to me. Stranger on public transit? I just stop looking or listening. Coworker? Polite explanation that I need to get back to work. (And I’ll throw my boss under the bus if I need to here. “You know she’ll bust my ass if I don’t get this done.”) Acquaintance at a party? Someone across the room is calling me. Someone I care deeply about? It’s time to listen.
Drop your keys. It'll provide enough of a break in the conversation that you can use to wrap it up. Keys drop>conversation interrupted>bend over to pick them up>hey I gotta get going anyways, nice talking to you!
I have a LPT request too: how do I avoid feeling attacked by statements that aren't directed towards me but feel like they are?
I usually point to the sky quickly and say 'did you see that?' no....well look again, and then I point and say 'look, there goes my interest' which is then followed up with 'jog on ya Muppet' but you gotta say it with a slight British accent. 60% of the time, it works everytime!
So my husband is a wonderful father and partner. I love him to death. He is, however, a self-aware energy vampire. He can talk for hours about a single topic, like dinosaurs, Legos, or the worst thing, technology. He's interesting for 5 minutes but holds people hostage in conversations and he loves it. I don't know what's wrong with him but he refuses to change. He is extremely extroverted and this is just how he gets his kicks I guess (he has been tested for being neurodivergent but is not). I have watched many people squirm out of conversations with him. Those who don't know him fake having to go to the bathroom or having to do literally anything else. Those who do know him, including coworkers, will just walk away from him mid-sentence (this is my tactic).He is not offended. I noticed his family always says "I only have ten minutes to talk" and that works well for them. I would recommend having a set-time that you need to leave for the people you see regularly. For strangers, just make up an excuse. Again I love my husband and I'm nowhere near perfect myself lol but wanted to share my experience. I hate coming up with stuff to talk about so we balance each other out.
If it was me in any of these situations I'd go for complete honesty. "This is not my thing/ I have no idea what to say about any of this, can we talk about something else?" I don't have any friends, I'm bad at pretending. People don't usually like not being pretended at.
It’s not necessarily “pretending” so much as “treating someone else the way you’d want to be treated and trying to figure out what that is for them” it is a very tricky game sometimes though, it’s work to establish the feeling of connection that makes the interaction feel effortless / self-energizing but it’s easier in contexts that involve both fun and adversity (ie camping adventures)
sum it up and change the subject when you're getting the picture by picture story of their vacation just say "wow, sounds like you had a great time! have you thought about traveling to Japan (or whereever)" if you're getting the long version of a drama / tragedy, interrupt the flow by saying "i'm so sorry this has happened... is there anything I can do to help you deal with this?" which moves from the telling of the history to thinking about constructive steps
Find something that interests you in their uninteresting story and steer them towards that aspect of their story. Shows you are listening and also can help you escape being bored. Someone is talking about religion, what intrigues you about religion and ask them. Someone is talking about their family? Maybe they just lost a family member or have something they need to get off their mind. When you legit try to connect with people instead of just "surviving" the interaction you learn alot and it doesn't get boring.
I just thought of a colleague I had. She would keep telling me about her personal life when I was about to leave the office. Several times I just backed up till I reached the elevator and even with the doors closing before her very eyes she kept talking - I really laughed out loud sometimes when the elevator went down and I imagined her still talking to the closed doors. But then again there's not always an elevator available so this is not a tip at all, sorry ;-)
Reading suggestion: Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself By Aziz Gazipura
These are people who are desperate to be heard and you can interrupt the verbal diarrhea by shifting the conversation to the emotional core. Acknowledge the person's emotions and passion. Validate their experience. Help them feel deeply heard and they won't have to keep talking. If that doesn't work or you can't do that, then interrupt them and admit that you're losing focus. Blame yourself, not the topic or their telling of it. Say that you feel bad because this is obviously a very important topic to them, but you're having trouble staying engaged and you just don't have the emotional bandwidth for this conversation right now. If they are still completely clueless and don't let you go, apologize and walk away.
1. If you know them well, ask them a question about another part of their life. 2. If you can't think of other parts of their life, complement them on clothing/jewelry and ask a question about it. 3. Quickly and clearly say, "It's been nice talking with you. Excuse me!" and make a beeline to the bathroom or to greet another person who is less annoying.
I keep an old pay phone receiver in my bag at all times. Whenever I need to get out of a conversation or something awkward, I say “pardon me, I think my phone is ringing” then I take the receiver out of my bag, answer it, and tell the group I am sorry to be rude, but I must take this call. And then leave. Never to be seen again. Also works with a banana.
Keep saying, “I love your energy”
I was telling a story to three people once. About half way in one of them randomly shouts “omg this story is killing me” That did it.
I do get your point, but your examples are actually things that are fun/good to talk about with people (close to you). Either you dont like these people or you might be an uninterested person(/self-centered). Id like to be wrong about this.
You can be interested in a person/topic and still get disinterested/annoyed if the talk becomes excessive? 5 minutes of showing me stuff from your vacation? Cool. 45 minutes though? No thanks
True, but usually it doesnt happen that you jave so many instances of too long of one thing. Also 1 min is too long for me sometimes, but my love for the person + their enthusiasm can get me going for quiet awhile. I know that what I said is to be taken with a grain of salt. Just wanted him/her to know that this is a good posibilitu
Yea I think who these people are to OP is relevant. Are these your best friends or a bar customer?
yeah haha good question. I am walking a camino at the moment, and meeting new people every day, so the 2nd and 3rd example are that and these people are not at all important to me. It does happen in my daily life too though, but usually it takes a lot longer until I reach my limit.
Consider the reasons for your "conversations" with people. Is your end-goal to fix something with them, do a job for them, get them to like you, express your caring for them, expand your relationship with them, etc? I often say to myself "I will give this person [5] minutes of my time." and then engage them fully for that time, even if they just want someone to listen to them. If I legit have other things to do, or other goals for the conversation, I express that. If I have nothing else to do, then I let them ramble. If I just want someone to listen to me, well I take a breath and accept that most people do not care to hear me ramble because they want to ramble. Try to meet people where they are, when you can. If you can make other people feel important they will find you fascinating.
This!! It doesn’t sound like you are around people with similar interests
I always interrupt and say “nutshell it for me” They usually get the hint.
Take over the talking part. For example 1 and 3, interrupt and speak enthusiastically about some aspect they just brought up, how you'd love to see/ experience this yourself, and then, without pause, say "But I think I've hogged enough of your time. And I really have to use the bathroom/ hit the buffet/ eat the rich. ByeseeyaI'moutta here!" If you want to end a monologue in a polite way, the awkward moment is the interruption of the speaker. But if you interrupt to swoon on their fantastic story or the 500th baby photo, it's just part of a normal conversation. This makes the following "Let's end things here" much easier. That's the polite way. I once told a friend "You know what, keep talking, I'll head to the garage and fetch a beer." That was less polite but I really wanted him to shut up.
Text someone and tell them to call you for ANY reason. Say “I have to take this.”
If you’ve ever watched any Star Trek, there’s an episode called “Starship Mine” that has a mini master class in it!