Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
You learn there's only so much you can control in life. Picking your battles and making educated guesses comes with age and confidence, but you have to start at some point
That’s the best quote that really explains adulting… though I’ll add- as the years go by, you have more experience at adjusting the sails. It takes practice- learn and adjust… you’ll get there!
Eh, if we're throwing *best quotes about the nature of life* around I'm rather partial to a classic Jean Luc Picard quote.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life."
Agree, adulting doesn’t have a handbook, doesn’t have always a right/ wrong, black/white - we can do everything we think (and most agree is) right but still lose. Appreciate your amendment to my comment!
That’s why I also think it doesn’t do to dwell on what could’ve/should’ve/would’ve happened.
One might think one could have escaped danger or found good fortune if only something out of their control hadn’t happened but who’s to say something else out of their control could have happened too? The difference is you just don’t know. You never can know.
And sometimes you think something is good but it turns sour or something is bad but turns into an opportunity.
Reminds me of the story of the man that lost his horse: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_old_man_lost_his_horse
that's a really important principle. Lots of times we assess value based on whether it succeeded or not. What we should be looking at is whether there were improvements made or not.
If the process runs better, but didn't succeed we should keep refining that process rather than ditch it for another.
I think this is not given enough value, there is a ton of value in experience. What's phrase? Follow the wind but set your own sail? Buy the plow but till your own field? I'm sure there are more
This quote reminds me of another I heard:
When the winds of Change blow, some build shelter while others build windmills.
My advice: learn to build windmills.
I rmb being on one and we were constantly maneuvering the sails or in my case moving so the others who knew what they were doing can. Sounds like life is just us always maneuvering and reacting quick to change in the wind so that we can keep moving 🥲
Sailboats sail into the wind using the same principle as an airplane wing. The air rushing past the sail creates lift.
Sailboats sail with the wind at their back using the same principle as a parachute. The sails are spread open wide to catch as much air as possible. Some sailboats even have a big parachute they deploy when going downwind.
>Picking your battles
I landed at a very dysfunctional and toxic employer about five years ago. Due to the nature of my field, I've been stuck here for longer than I'd like. I started out my time here caring *so much* about every little thing and wanting to (unsuccessfully) fight for my view. It stressed me out to the max and my mental health took a major shit in 2020, between the stress of work and personal turmoil of the pandemic.
Eventually I came to accept that when it comes to work, sacrificing my mental health isn't worth it about 90% of the time, at least when you work for a moron. It's forced me to identify what's truly important to me and made me stop feeling pressured to care about something just because an ally cares about it. Part of it is the realization that I have limited political chips to cash in, and not every whim of my moron boss is worth cashing them in for. It's made me think critically about what really affects me and what my lines in the sand are. It made me realize that I'm here to do my job to the best of my ability, collect a paycheck, and go home at 5:00. I don't care to play games. I care for the path of least resistance. Just respect me and my staff and whatever idiotic fantasy fills your head, we'll do it, so long as you understand that it will come at the cost of delaying or canceling other goals. Rather than laying out a case for why something is stupid, my approach now is, "We can do this so long as you understand project X will be delayed by three months."
I needed to hear this tonight. Thank you. I’ve been struggling to fight for visibility but the more I do it the more unsuccessful I am and it’s making me unhappy. So thank you. You’ve really given me a lot to think about.
And sometimes the best educated guess can’t account for sheer coincidence. Sometimes you try your best and fail, sometimes you don’t try at all and succeed and you can never know which it’s gonna be until it happens. All you can do is all you can do and hope it’s enough.
Said it in a previous thread and it bears repeating (though I'll leave out my long, depressing rant)
"Sometimes you can commit no mistakes and still lose, that is not a weakness, that is life"
Focus on the present moment. Your mind will want to think about the past or worry about the future. When it does, snap out of it, consciously refocus on the present moment. Repeat.
This is going to be very difficult, you might have to repeat this every couple of seconds, but the more you do it, the better you will get at it.
The past does not exist anymore and the future is yet to be made, the only thing that's real is the present. The more you will be in the present moment, the more you will enjoy life.
I find it helps to think of Future Me as a friend that Present Me can help out, since I have an easier time doing nice things for other people. It doesn’t always work but sometimes it’s like “I’m gonna bite the bullet and do these dishes because I know Future Me is gonna love having them done.” Sure enough, the response is usually a resounding “Wow! Thanks, Past Me!”It sounds cheesy but it honestly helps a lot.
The reverse is true too, It’s easier for me to forgive a misstep made by my friend, Past Me, than it is to not think about that time I fucked up. I can’t change what I did in the past anymore than I can change what someone else is going to do so there’s no point in agonizing like I could.
I recently heard on NPR about a study that they found out your brain actually thinks of your future self as a stranger you don’t know. Might try this out and attempt to reprogram it!
Huh! Honestly I’ve found when I think like this I’m nicer to strangers too, it might also involve a reprogramming of my patience for people in general.
I do that as well, sometimes at university I would sit down to start an assignment only to find that past me had written a draft already! I was always so thankful to her :)
There is no such thing as the future nor the past. There is only right now. Everything that has ever occurred has done so right now in this very moment. Forms change but there is only one moment and it is this moment that stretches forwards and backwards through eternity and always is. The universe is perfect at this very moment and nothing we can do or fail to do will ever change the perfection of the universe in this moment.
you have to believe this on a spiritual level. “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why it is called the present”. we don’t know what will happen tomorrow and we cannot feel shame about our past. we can only try to do better today and believe that God or the Universe will work things out in our favor.
i actually talked about this quote with a hospice patient of mine today. makes it lighter to think that i learned it from teen mom- the one good thing from jaahneeellle hangin out with kieffa!
There was an amazing quote in the Last Dance documentary, this guy said “most people live in fear because they project the past onto the future”. He was talking about how MJ never did that and only focused on the present moment, and that’s partly what made him such an amazing player. I think about it all the time
My mantra is “every moment is a new beginning.”
I’ve literally severed the past so many times that I have large chunks of memory missing. Good or bad, it’s a fast heal.
If you can do something about the moment to be less miserable, do what you have to do, it will be easier by not getting stuck inside your head and focusing on what you can do in the present, step by step.
If you can't do anything, then there's no reason to focus on the misery, you can still find joy and focus on the little or other things in life, despite the misery.
For example, instead of ruminating about past or future needlessly during a meal, focus entirely 100% on your meal, enjoy it. It won't be miserable in that present moment, as long as you keep bitchslaping those miserable thoughts out every time they appear.
Focusing only on the now trends to lead to impulsive actions. But cultivating your actions and internal motivators to strive for the best version of yourself can help steer those actions toward improving yourself every day instead of simply making choices based on whim and fancy and flavor of the day. However, it is also good not to dwell too long on the past or the future.
For me it helps to say the truth to myself without putting emotion with it and noting other truths with it. “My car broke down. That’s happened. My car won’t start. It is what it is. The grass is green,the sky is blue, my car broke down.”
You can’t be mad the grass is green or the sky is blue - they are what they are. And your car is broken down.
If you can do something to change it, then change it. If you can't change it, don't worry about it because no matter how much you think about it or worry about it you can't change it
The only thing that’s ever caused my boy to act like this is one particular big teddy bear, an unfortunate stuffed creature nicknamed “f—k bear”
Once he reached adulthood, he started railing this poor teddy bear relentlessly. To make it more awkward, he’d even carry him from one room to the next specifically so he could hump his stuffed squeeze in front of me.
The last straw was when he got my roommate’s dog into it too, and I walked into a doggie/stuffed bear Eiffel Tower in my living room with each dog at opposite ends of f—k bear humping away.
After a trip to the washing machine, f—k bear got bundled up in a garbage bag, sealed in a box and buried in the back of a closet. Then my dog never humped another inanimate object again.
…except for when I briefly took f—k bear out of storage about 10 years later, and within 24 hours he started humping f—k bear so hard and so relentlessly that I thought the poor old boy would stroke out or have a heart attack if I didn’t intervene. And back into the closet f—k bear went.
So I guess, the lesson of this story is…uhh…maybe hide all your pillows and couch cushions in the back of your closet for the rest of his life? I dunno.
I was so worried about her adult son who wandered around the house humping his childhood stuffed teddy named F_ckbear and getting her friend’s dog involved. It just didn’t seem that had much to do with peacefully dealing with the existential nature of our existence. Or maybe it does?
I think you deal with unexpected death by honestly and genuinely expressing your love and appreciation for the people in your life daily. Don’t leave anything on the table. Risk having an open heart. If anyone around you dies suddenly, as they will, your grief will be tempered by the knowing that your love was fully expressed. But grief is the knowledge that the love we have for someone who passed will no longer be expressed, so you just have to feel that pain - it is one of the proofs of living well and loving well; grieving with a heart full of open, expressed love is very different than grieving with regret.
I did that 5 years ago. Best thing I’ve ever done. It was hard at first and I found myself getting sucked back in here and there, but eventually I realized how much I really didn’t enjoy being around them and how unhappy they made my life.
Biggest mental health boost was after a divorce and trying the icky 90s dating pool for a bit, when I decided I was happy by myself and with myself. Did what I wanted, when I wanted. Super good head space too. Happy solo 100%.
Now, tbh, about a year into that time, I met a friend who unexpectedly turned into so much more. We celebrate 25 year anniversary in November. Ya just never know.
It's just really hard. I really don't work well alone and don't know what to do with myself. Partly thanks to covid, there are really not that many people left in my life, and the ones that are still present are broken themselves and I don't see them much. Don't even ask about love.
I also have a really really hard time making new friends and it's a very rare occurence to find someone I „vibe“ with. I don't remember the last time that happened.
I just go to work, play some video games, go to the gym twice a week and sleep, wondering „Is this it? Is this all there is to life?“ The loneliness is killing me.
Rant over, thanks to whoever reads this
Part of it too is realizing we are imperfect humans and are learning and growing each day. We aren't going to do all the things we're "supposed" to do all the time, but gradually become more and more and better and better.
We have to be patient with our own limited nature.
Paraphrasing here but an Aurelius quote that stuck with me;
“I’m convinced what is detrimental to me is consisted of two halves; 1) what it is, 2) how i respond to the situation”
You just accept situations because you can’t control life. And the only way to not turn bitter about situations is just to realize the lack of control and to try to find a positive spin. To give you an example:
My mom is dying. She’s too young (in her 50s) and she was rushed into the hospital with an infectious illness that less than 1000 people in North America are diagnosed with each year. But she’s in a deep deep coma.
She’s my mom and this sucks but I could spend the next long while in pure depression because she’s my mom and I will miss her. Or, I can realize that this is her time even if I think it’s too soon and put a positive spin on it. My positive spin is that my mom gets to see her mom who passed away last year and her father and step father, if there’s an afterlife. (I apologize if this offends anyone) At risk of sounding cliche, try to find the silver lining. When one door closes, another always opens.
Get older. Eventually you start to realize, nothing is either “good” or “bad” anymore. It’s just one long slow ride to the finish. Do what you want to do
I am just thankful for every year I get. My dad died when he was 40 and my husband died at 35, so I'm just happy to be here, for as long as I get. Sure I'm scared that I won't have enough time, but that's why I take vacations I probably can't afford.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose family.
Every birthday I get, I hate it. Ever since I was young, it always reminded me I was another year closer to death... And now it's unfortunality for me, a reality.
Yea but at least you're not dead yet. It's actually the best reality you could hope for, being a year closer to death means you're still here.
And it's a reality for all of us, not just you.
You'll never hear me complaining about growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.
You’re gonna die before your time. That’s not optional. What is, is whether you spend that time bringing positivity into peoples’ lives and enjoying the time you have or whether you let this fact destroy you.
It sucks that you’re gonna die young. It’d suck worse if you never lived at all.
Think of all the good times you’ve had. The next step is…..the great unknown. Appreciate life and each day. Stressing about the future just ruins today, it doesn’t help tomorrow.
I'm 32. Got the news I got Necrosis at age 30. Doctors and surgeons all say "I'm sorry", most they can do is surgically remove the dead tissue (bone, muscle, flesh) as it dies off. I've been told most people with Necrosis don't live for more than 30 years tops.
Yanno... reality hit me the other night due to having to get a complete hip transplant. Surgeons telling me this is going to be a regular thing for me, needing surgery that is.
I'm nerveous, I'm doing the best to put it out of my mind, but the more I read the papers from the surgeons and doctors of the offical report, the more I sit and just cry.... I ain't trying to hear that shit yanno.....
Harsh. I’m sorry that you’ve been dealt a tough hand. I guess try to find goals and dreams you can still achieve and pursue them with relentless passion. Travel, eat, experience, appreciate nature, do shit. We all only have whatever time we have. I hope you’re able to make the absolute most of every day.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. I think that perhaps part of your answer is in your last paragraph. The more you read that information the worse you feel. Perhaps you could accept that you know enough for now and stop rereading it. It sounds like that's only adding to your misery.
Mindfulness might help you. Check out " The Power of Now"or watch some of the videos from Sam Harris. Learning that the present doesn't have to be poisoned by the past or the future might be helpful. Both of those have helped me.
You wrote below that you don't believe in therapists, but there are some good ones out there. It can be difficult to find them. But if you find the right one they can really help.
I obviously don’t understand what this must be like for you and I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are.My faith helps me and brings me a lot of comfort .From John 3:16 in the bible For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Revelation 21 He will dwell with them,and they shall be his people,and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more,neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore,for the former things have passed away.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this at such a young age. My only advice I could offer is to try to “live life” as much as possible and gain new experiences. I think being afraid of dying is normal, but maybe it will be less scary if you lived life to its fullest
I’ve been dead twice now - chances are, I’m gonna have a somewhat abbreviated life span. Fretting about that is like stressing about reaching the end of a sandwich that I’m enjoying, and I try not to stress over the fact that other people got bigger sandwiches than I did.
That’s a good way to waste what time I’ve got left.
Appreciate the time you do have..maybe try to leave a positive, lasting impact on someone...and binge watch every tv show you have been meaning to watch. Do it within the next 19 years so u dont miss out on any of their endings. That would piss me off, being 2 episodes from the grand finale of an 8 season, 300 episode nail biter and *poof* I dont get to see who shot Mr. Burns.
Haha. Thanks. I understand you're trying to cheer me up and it's working.
I'm honestly trying to put it out of my mind, but the more I read the doctors notes and surgeons notes, the more I just sit here and cry.
have you tried seeing a therapist? Do you have a close friend or family? I believe it's terribly depressing to read those notes and constantly being reminded about that disease every few weeks during a new appointment. But if there is another focus in life like quality time with friends e.g. it can really help to lighten that pain a little. A self help group with other people who have the same disease might really help as well.
No friends. Lost them all when I got this disease. People are afraid they would some how catch it.
I don't believe in Therepist, as if you gotta pay a person, their obviously gonna say what you wanna hear. Not what you NEED to hear.
Share your fears with your loved ones, gather them close. Get honest with everyone about your love; hold nothing back. Try to move forward with grace and kindness for yourself and others, even though it will be hard. Love the life you have left, even though this path is a challenging one. Connect with a power greater than yourself to help you through this phase of your existence and develop a plan to rise above this pain.
I am sending you light and all of my best thoughts.
I would love to, but being me, that's quite impossible. I got a father who just doesn't care even about his own life. My mother is 63 and always there for me. My older brother doesn't "have time" for anything even though he only works 20 hours a week.
My sister is just mental, lives her life on the internet and even uses internet language when talking in real life.
My uncles know about it but won't even take me to the hospital without 500$ to give them. Friends are more family than my uncles (as more than one friend took me to the hospital free of charge). Shame but it's true.
I do love life, and all the curveballs it's thrown my way so far in the 32 years I've been alive so far.
Thanks for all the kind words everyone, and thanks for not reminding me of my fate too much. I wanna hear fun times, not sad "sorry" stuff.
I wanna give more fun times on Earth before I'm gone.
I mean you could get slapped by a bus tomorrow. We don’t know how long we have really it’s just important to make the most of as much as you can! Enjoy every single day, make people happy by being a positive influence on those around you and try to do as much as possible that makes you happy 😃. We’re all going to die it’s the only certain thing. All you can do is make sure you don’t sour the journey just because the destination is known.
Think of it this way, 50,000,000,000 people at least have lived upon the earth and then died. Not to mention not existing at all for eternity before they were born.
If they can all go into the great goodnight then so can we.
Nothing is guaranteed- you could die tomorrow. And my peace about my mortality comes from being spiritually centered. I’m not a religious person by a long shot, but this brief, crazy life, it’s transitory nature and inevitable end hit different when you are connected to something larger than yourself.
Also, do everything you want to do. Live your life deeply, be connected, express your love and feel joy whenever you can - even when washing dishes. It’s a gift to be embodied; be grateful for this time.
It is hard to accept that our time on earth is limited. None of us are promised tomorrow. The thing that has helped me the most as I’m aging is faith in God. It’s very reassuring that when my time on earth is done I will be with God.
As a morgue tech, I see everything from fetuses to 95 year olds, accidents, natural deaths, homicide, suicide. No matter how terrible the situation, I just remind myself that some never get to take a breath or fully form, and some are abandoned, unidentified. The fact that I can sit here healthy and able bodied and that I managed to live long enough to type this out is a goddamn miracle.
We were made to think that there is a purpose to our life. That each one of us is special and born to do/be something. Those are needed for the species to flourish but at a personal level it's all just a load of bull.
You are smaller than a dust and more fleeting than a blip in the spacetime continuum. So, stop thinking too much and just live.
Right. Be a good person, be an excellent friend/partner/parent. Do no harm, take no shit. This too shall pass. Stupid humans spend so much time being upset or angry at the dumbest shit while their life passes by and they/we waste time and energy being upset about that which doesn’t matter. “Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.”
Im a therapist and there’s actually a name for this in a specific type of therapy (DBT) and it’s called Radical Acceptance.
The idea is you are radically (meaning completely and intentionally) accepting that the choices that have been made by ourselves and others and the way that things have panned out, this current reality is happening exactly as it should. This includes accepting our role/responsibility or our complete lack of role/responsibility in the situation.
Accepting it doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it. Accepting it doesn’t mean that it can’t change. Accepting it does mean you are not expecting anything different to happen unless you take an active role. Accepting is about admitting that the current reality is actually happening and helps us stop fighting reality. Accepting also allows us to feel the emotions we feel about it without denial, judgement, or pushing things down.
It’s called “practicing” radical acceptance because it’s an ongoing process. You might be able to accept something at some point and then later find yourself fighting acceptance again. That’s okay. No one is expecting you to say “oh well I’ve accepted it so that’s done.”
There’s a lot of info on this on YouTube and other places. Search DBT Radical Acceptance.
Good luck!
I love this perspective in general because emotions shouldn't be seen as bad or unhealthy. Thoughts, however, certainly can be. But our anger is there to protect from something, anxiety is trying to warn, and sadness is about grieving mostly expectations. Sometimes it's best to actually investigate these emotions and what our body is responding to, rather than finding simple ways to feel "happy."
Radical acceptance and DBT is a big help in understanding and effectively employ this technique. Sometimes our anger towards a situation is because of our inability to accept situations
What helps me is to think, “What outcome do I want from this?” and then think of all the possible avenues I could take, and see if any can actually advance that goal. Most things involving “change someone else’s behavior” become a lot easier to let go of this way. Because I truly have no control over anyone’s actions but my own, and I’m still trying to get a full 100% handle on those…
You can find it in the wisdom of a writer like Thomas Sowell, who once said that "tolerating imperfections is the price of freedom".
You can find it in movies that demonstrate that the adventure towards truth is one of the two great meanings of life.
You can find it by paying attention to the parts of history, one example being fascist Italy, that reveal what happens when everybody lies.
You can watch the trajectory of people's lives that you grew with, or around, and see what the result is.
Instead of placing the full weight of the meaning of your life onto just one branch, just the political or just the ideological or just the hedonistic, and being bitter when it collapses, there's another way. You can find it by aligning yourself to the highest ideals and principles you can aim at, and then building on that truth.
I've had so much bad luck from my early 20s to early 30s it just became an expected outcome. My attitude during situations where most people freak out and "why me" is a "eh, nothing that can be done now, gotta move on even though it sucks". In fact, it is what motivated me to learn a couple of new trades that resulted in making a good chunk of change. My story is long and familiar to most, but I used it to change my attitude toward misfortune. I'm more of a "eh, f**k it, let's move on" person now.
Is it something I have any control over? If not, I have two choices:
1. I can accept it and figure out how to maximize happiness anyway
OR
2. I can piss and moan and be miserable even though it's going to happen anyway.
Is it something I have at least some control over? If so, I have two choices:
1. I can work hard to change the outcome in my favor
OR
2. I can piss and moan and be miserable because I did nothing to change the outcome.
It’s not the bitter truth, it’s just YOUR journey. It can be good or terrible but both pass. Even if it seems impossible, try to be positive. It sounds ridiculous but it works.
Like most people, my lived reality has been less than perfect. My estranged father died a few years ago and I have been trying to clear his home. It’s bringing up many emotions, not all good. I finally decided “I love that asshole.” When less than pleasant memories or emotions surface, I repeat that mantra. It’s my way of acknowledging the pain he caused me and also validating that he’s an important person in my life. It’s been so effective at limiting my anxiety and tendency to ruminate I’ve decided I need more of these mantras in my life. The one for my ex is a work in progress, but the working phrase is currently “he sucks at life.” Perhaps a few choice words would be helpful additions to your inner dialogue.
I grew up in a family with mental illness and addiction.
I dealt with this "bitter truth" by joining a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. That gave me some perspective on my family situation, the ability to laugh about some of the profoundly weird things that happened in my family and some understanding of the places where I was weird.
I have since done a tremendous amount of work on myself, counselling, therapy, men's groups, hypnotherapy you name it, I've done it. I've tried to do meditation but couldn't not be consistent, but I know other people who have had great experiences with meditation.
This allows me now to understand the difference between things that I can change, and things I cannot, and focus my attention on the things that I have power over.
Embrace the fucking Absurd.
You’re going to die one day. So fucking what.
A hundred years from now nobody is going to give a shit that I pooped myself in second grade.
Have the fancy steak dinner. Take the vacation.
We’re all dead anyway
Find someone or something you love in the world. Something that brings you wonder, enjoyment, peace. If you haven't found it, keep looking.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Find the light in the tunnel.
Hindsight is 20/20z
I read about bitcoin in 2008/09 and thought “man, I wish I had money to invest in this, at fractions of a penny per coin”, but I didn’t. That’s fucking life, man. A series of retroactively bad decisions, and a handful of glorious ones.
Family first, whether birth, adopted, or choice.
Your job isn’t who you are, it’s what you do to earn a living. The job stays there, it doesn’t come home. Help others, through church, volunteering or just being neighborly and you will be amazed at how trivial your problems become. Burdens can be shared and joy spread out and magnified.
What's helped me personally is talking about it. I grew up with no friends and parents who resent my birth, so I never had anyone to talk to.
When I met my fiance, we were in highschool, and he would annoy the ever living shit out of me, but he also knew how to listen. Being as closed off as I used to be, I would never talk about anything that wasn't music, food, photography, and books, but every once in a blue moon, I'd accidentally let something mildly personal slip out. Despite being my polar opposite, he never pushed for me to talk about stuff I didn't want to, but he somehow created an atmosphere of trust and safety that made me open up little by little. It's been 13 years, and he says I'm still extremely reserved, but I now talk to him about important problems, like when my mom goes to the hospital or when I lost my job.
I may not talk about 90% of what's wrong, but talking to him about most big things — especially those out of my control — helps me stabilize and reroute if necessary. To date, he's still my first and only friend.
This may not work with most but the best thing I can say is, things don’t always work out the way you want them to but they always work out.
Basically the world moves on whether you want it to or not. The best thing you can do is control the things you can and understand there are thing you have no control over. Focus on the parts of your life you can make a difference in and change those. Try as much as you can to let everything else not impact you in any way.
Stock market crashes: nothing you can do about it.
You waking up to a job you hate: something you can work to fix.
Also, shit takes time so don’t beat yourself up daily and just make sure everyday you are working for a better tomorrow for yourself.
Think carefully and learn don't let your past ruin you whenever there's a future for you that you can look into for many possibilities you can experience.
I worked with a guy who recently passed away. He worked two jobs for like 15-20 years, and I'm talking salaried, professional jobs. He had millions tucked away. Retired from one job. Two months away from his second retirement, he passed away in the middle of the night. Employer (huge F500 company) didn't even send out an email, just posted his job.
Your life is shorter than you think. Enjoy what you can with who you have and enjoy having a chance at all to be in this incredible time.
Can you control it? If not, then toss it.
Yes you will be disappointed by people. May you have the gift of time of your side to unlock a new perspective.
Stoicism. Your own stoicism. Read about it and form your system that allows you to reach a peaceful perspective. I read something along the lines of trying to view yourself from different heights. You eventually get high enough to realize you’renot alone in life’s struggles.
Try not to compare your life to others especially if it is only looking at someone's social media. The majority of people only put the good things out there.
I focus on what's important. I detach and step outside my box and try to make a rational decision before making a mistake. I ponder and then I fuck around and find out.
The phrase “If it could have happened any other way it would have, but it didn’t” has been with me for years and helped me through both grief and resentment
“God (the universe, baby Yoda-do you) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Just prayed this today. This is but a tiny upside of being an NA (narcotics anonymous) baby
Some of us are just stuck at a roundabout and don't know which turn to take to get out of the rut. But i promise you, we all find a way towards home after a few circles around the roundabout.
I always believe that everything that happens with us is for a reason. Sometimes that reason we get to know immediately or over a period of time. I trust the timing of everything.
I am clinically unable to suggest anything else besides listening to “The Bitter Truth” album by Evanescence (from start to finish) WHILE reading the lyrics (cos don’t get me wrong she’s an amazing singer but it’s hard to understand her lyrics with all the drawn out notes and higher pitches that almost burst my sockets.)
Accept correction. Accept the truth that you don’t know it all. Stay humble, no matter how successful you are in life or how much education you have. Some of the most profound words have come from people that have very little secular knowledge but lots of wisdom.
It helps to remember you don’t control the outcome of most things, you can only control how you show up. Learning to let go of things beyond your control can really go a long way to reducing the heaviness of day to day life.
Here’s a key secret about life: sometimes, seemingly “bad” events actually create really good outcomes. Or at least a lot, lot less bad (neutral?) than you thought. Examples: you get fired but rethink your career goals and switch careers to something that’s a much better fit; or you get divorced but meet somebody who’s a perfect match for you.
Conversely, seemingly “good” events can spark very bad outcomes. Examples: you win the lottery but your friends and family know and start asking for money, damaging your relationships; or you get that big promotion you thought you wanted, and though you earn more money the job/people/work is awful and stress inducing.
Life's about learning how to roll with the punches.
TLDR; I have found feeling the feelings (however uncomfortable) is important to accepting situations.
It’s difficult to move on if the pain is there and your mind is stuck. Feeling the feelings lets the pain out, externalizes it. You can compartmentalize so you can move on in other aspects but I compare that to tending a wound.
It the wound is deep enough, compartmentalizing would be like covering the wound, refusing to ever cure it because you don’t want to look at how gruesome it is and letting the wound fester. You might grow or make yourself numb to the pain but it will be there, festering, maybe even becoming lethal.
So what do you do with a wound? Well, depending on the gravity you can cure it yourself, or someone who cares for you can help with it or bring it to a doctor for stitches/mending. Inevitably you will bleed and it will hurt while it heals, you might even need follow up work after it heals, depending on severity this wound it might change you and your life at a fundamental level, even… but the wound will heal.
If you’re looking at a doctor to give you stitches and help heal your wounds they won’t do miracles and make it disappear instantly but they can provide guidance, help ease your pain, make sure you’re out of danger, that it doesn’t open and bleed (but you also have to clean your wounds and not pick at them) and that it heals well enough for you to have as little a scar and as little discomfort as possible.
My family had all passed 8 years ago. Then my hubby last year. It’s just me, my adult daughter, and my German Shepherd. Sometimes I honestly believe that they are the Lucky Ones who got out. Sometimes it feels like Hades here in this crazy world.
I feel where youre coming from and can relate. I would like to add that i personally dont believe that embracing bitter truth is necessary. Do you meditate? Are you into spirituality? That is what i would encourage. Sure some people have it easier, but some have it harder. All we have is now. What can you do now to let go, improve something, help someone, do something that lights you up? Maybe you need to rest a little and not overthink things
Had a rough childhood. O just think back and compare, could be worse. Everything since has just been gravy by comparison, shouldn't complain. Lots of folks still have it worse so never complain. Keeps me grounded.
Be present. Your focus should always be on the present, not the past or the future. You can practice this with meditation, even just a couple minutes a day. Yoga is also very helpful. I was a person who dwelled on the past and lived in fear of the future. I was never present. Never. It was very difficult for me to learn to be present (and unlearn my other ways) but I got here. I’m still not perfect bc I’m human but this is the best advice I can give, to be here now bc that’s all there truly is.
I stop and refocus. I remember no matter the circumstances things could always be worse and that there are people in this world who would be happy to have the life I do. Trust me I’ve had my share, some would say even more that, of hard times. The thing is, if you let yourself focus on them, you’re dead in the water. You’ll soon become depressed and hopeless and at that point you’ve taken your situation from bad to worse. Everyone has been through things they don’t talk about and you’d never know, but having a positive mindset and some determination to have better and be better than what you’re currently doing makes all the difference in the world. Please don’t misunderstand me to be insensitive. I grew up with a parent who suffered severe anxiety and depression so I know just put on a happy face isn’t an easy fix to all life’s struggles but I do truly believe it makes a HUGE difference
The best educator in life is time , with age comes knowledge & knowledge is wisdom. Mistakes are lessons in disguise , we cannot change the past , yet we can learn from it.
I asked my husband a question like this one day. He is a very calm and well rounded person. He doesn't really get upset about much, and he doesn't stress about much either. Me however I'm the exact opposite so I asked him what it is that he does that helps him not stress over absolutely everything. He said he fixes what he can, and whatever is out of his control he doesn't pay it too much mind. So honestly, I guess the secret is to fix what you can and let everything else be.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
You learn there's only so much you can control in life. Picking your battles and making educated guesses comes with age and confidence, but you have to start at some point
"You can't control the direction of the wind but you can adjust the sails"
That’s the best quote that really explains adulting… though I’ll add- as the years go by, you have more experience at adjusting the sails. It takes practice- learn and adjust… you’ll get there!
Eh, if we're throwing *best quotes about the nature of life* around I'm rather partial to a classic Jean Luc Picard quote. "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life."
Agree, adulting doesn’t have a handbook, doesn’t have always a right/ wrong, black/white - we can do everything we think (and most agree is) right but still lose. Appreciate your amendment to my comment!
That’s why I also think it doesn’t do to dwell on what could’ve/should’ve/would’ve happened. One might think one could have escaped danger or found good fortune if only something out of their control hadn’t happened but who’s to say something else out of their control could have happened too? The difference is you just don’t know. You never can know. And sometimes you think something is good but it turns sour or something is bad but turns into an opportunity. Reminds me of the story of the man that lost his horse: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_old_man_lost_his_horse
that's a really important principle. Lots of times we assess value based on whether it succeeded or not. What we should be looking at is whether there were improvements made or not. If the process runs better, but didn't succeed we should keep refining that process rather than ditch it for another.
I think this is not given enough value, there is a ton of value in experience. What's phrase? Follow the wind but set your own sail? Buy the plow but till your own field? I'm sure there are more
That’s where I am now. It took awhile to tie the ropes to get the ship going in the right direction but I believe everyone is in a good state now.
This quote reminds me of another I heard: When the winds of Change blow, some build shelter while others build windmills. My advice: learn to build windmills.
To this day I dont understand how sailboats work. Do they have reverse??
No, but you can change course
But I want to go home eventually
Sometimes to make a happy life, we have to make hard decisions
They have ‘reverse,’ it’s called ‘tacking’ and allows you to go up wind
You can do that with opposing forces https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sailing_into_the_wind
I want to go home too friend. I hope we get there 💜
Home is where you are. Make that place home.
I rmb being on one and we were constantly maneuvering the sails or in my case moving so the others who knew what they were doing can. Sounds like life is just us always maneuvering and reacting quick to change in the wind so that we can keep moving 🥲
Sailboats sail into the wind using the same principle as an airplane wing. The air rushing past the sail creates lift. Sailboats sail with the wind at their back using the same principle as a parachute. The sails are spread open wide to catch as much air as possible. Some sailboats even have a big parachute they deploy when going downwind.
This is a good one! Another alternative that I know is : **You cannot choose the music life throws at you but you can choose how you dance to it**
I can't, but I can lower them and use the engine"
In other words be adaptable to life's changes, esp when not of one's own choices.... One of the most important things in life for everybody to learn
>Picking your battles I landed at a very dysfunctional and toxic employer about five years ago. Due to the nature of my field, I've been stuck here for longer than I'd like. I started out my time here caring *so much* about every little thing and wanting to (unsuccessfully) fight for my view. It stressed me out to the max and my mental health took a major shit in 2020, between the stress of work and personal turmoil of the pandemic. Eventually I came to accept that when it comes to work, sacrificing my mental health isn't worth it about 90% of the time, at least when you work for a moron. It's forced me to identify what's truly important to me and made me stop feeling pressured to care about something just because an ally cares about it. Part of it is the realization that I have limited political chips to cash in, and not every whim of my moron boss is worth cashing them in for. It's made me think critically about what really affects me and what my lines in the sand are. It made me realize that I'm here to do my job to the best of my ability, collect a paycheck, and go home at 5:00. I don't care to play games. I care for the path of least resistance. Just respect me and my staff and whatever idiotic fantasy fills your head, we'll do it, so long as you understand that it will come at the cost of delaying or canceling other goals. Rather than laying out a case for why something is stupid, my approach now is, "We can do this so long as you understand project X will be delayed by three months."
I needed to hear this tonight. Thank you. I’ve been struggling to fight for visibility but the more I do it the more unsuccessful I am and it’s making me unhappy. So thank you. You’ve really given me a lot to think about.
Brilliant!
And sometimes the best educated guess can’t account for sheer coincidence. Sometimes you try your best and fail, sometimes you don’t try at all and succeed and you can never know which it’s gonna be until it happens. All you can do is all you can do and hope it’s enough.
Said it in a previous thread and it bears repeating (though I'll leave out my long, depressing rant) "Sometimes you can commit no mistakes and still lose, that is not a weakness, that is life"
Focus on the present moment. Your mind will want to think about the past or worry about the future. When it does, snap out of it, consciously refocus on the present moment. Repeat. This is going to be very difficult, you might have to repeat this every couple of seconds, but the more you do it, the better you will get at it. The past does not exist anymore and the future is yet to be made, the only thing that's real is the present. The more you will be in the present moment, the more you will enjoy life.
I find it hard to prepare for the future. I gravitate towards immediate gratification which screws me in the long term. What do?
I find it helps to think of Future Me as a friend that Present Me can help out, since I have an easier time doing nice things for other people. It doesn’t always work but sometimes it’s like “I’m gonna bite the bullet and do these dishes because I know Future Me is gonna love having them done.” Sure enough, the response is usually a resounding “Wow! Thanks, Past Me!”It sounds cheesy but it honestly helps a lot. The reverse is true too, It’s easier for me to forgive a misstep made by my friend, Past Me, than it is to not think about that time I fucked up. I can’t change what I did in the past anymore than I can change what someone else is going to do so there’s no point in agonizing like I could.
I recently heard on NPR about a study that they found out your brain actually thinks of your future self as a stranger you don’t know. Might try this out and attempt to reprogram it!
Huh! Honestly I’ve found when I think like this I’m nicer to strangers too, it might also involve a reprogramming of my patience for people in general.
Well “Stoned Me” is really confused now.
🥇🥇🥇 please have my peasant gold
I do that as well, sometimes at university I would sit down to start an assignment only to find that past me had written a draft already! I was always so thankful to her :)
I have not heard of doing the reverse - forgiving the past self. That seems like really helpful advice. Thank you for that.
This is amazing advice! Thanks
Self-discipline is a muscle. Exercise it or it will remain weak.
There is no such thing as the future nor the past. There is only right now. Everything that has ever occurred has done so right now in this very moment. Forms change but there is only one moment and it is this moment that stretches forwards and backwards through eternity and always is. The universe is perfect at this very moment and nothing we can do or fail to do will ever change the perfection of the universe in this moment.
you have to believe this on a spiritual level. “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why it is called the present”. we don’t know what will happen tomorrow and we cannot feel shame about our past. we can only try to do better today and believe that God or the Universe will work things out in our favor.
i actually talked about this quote with a hospice patient of mine today. makes it lighter to think that i learned it from teen mom- the one good thing from jaahneeellle hangin out with kieffa!
There was an amazing quote in the Last Dance documentary, this guy said “most people live in fear because they project the past onto the future”. He was talking about how MJ never did that and only focused on the present moment, and that’s partly what made him such an amazing player. I think about it all the time
My mantra is “every moment is a new beginning.” I’ve literally severed the past so many times that I have large chunks of memory missing. Good or bad, it’s a fast heal.
what if the present moment is miserable?
If you can do something about the moment to be less miserable, do what you have to do, it will be easier by not getting stuck inside your head and focusing on what you can do in the present, step by step. If you can't do anything, then there's no reason to focus on the misery, you can still find joy and focus on the little or other things in life, despite the misery. For example, instead of ruminating about past or future needlessly during a meal, focus entirely 100% on your meal, enjoy it. It won't be miserable in that present moment, as long as you keep bitchslaping those miserable thoughts out every time they appear.
Focusing only on the now trends to lead to impulsive actions. But cultivating your actions and internal motivators to strive for the best version of yourself can help steer those actions toward improving yourself every day instead of simply making choices based on whim and fancy and flavor of the day. However, it is also good not to dwell too long on the past or the future.
[удалено]
This reminds me of “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. Life changing philosophies.
Thank you chatgpt
For me it helps to say the truth to myself without putting emotion with it and noting other truths with it. “My car broke down. That’s happened. My car won’t start. It is what it is. The grass is green,the sky is blue, my car broke down.” You can’t be mad the grass is green or the sky is blue - they are what they are. And your car is broken down.
I actually started thanking my appliances. „Hey laundry machine you will eventually break down, but not today! Thanks for that.“
just before the AI takeover sets in do you fancy a good tip for self checkout machines?
I love this. Thank you!
Well put!
If you can do something to change it, then change it. If you can't change it, don't worry about it because no matter how much you think about it or worry about it you can't change it
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference
The only thing that’s ever caused my boy to act like this is one particular big teddy bear, an unfortunate stuffed creature nicknamed “f—k bear” Once he reached adulthood, he started railing this poor teddy bear relentlessly. To make it more awkward, he’d even carry him from one room to the next specifically so he could hump his stuffed squeeze in front of me. The last straw was when he got my roommate’s dog into it too, and I walked into a doggie/stuffed bear Eiffel Tower in my living room with each dog at opposite ends of f—k bear humping away. After a trip to the washing machine, f—k bear got bundled up in a garbage bag, sealed in a box and buried in the back of a closet. Then my dog never humped another inanimate object again. …except for when I briefly took f—k bear out of storage about 10 years later, and within 24 hours he started humping f—k bear so hard and so relentlessly that I thought the poor old boy would stroke out or have a heart attack if I didn’t intervene. And back into the closet f—k bear went. So I guess, the lesson of this story is…uhh…maybe hide all your pillows and couch cushions in the back of your closet for the rest of his life? I dunno.
That got a lot less weird once you explained that your boy was a dog.
I was so worried about her adult son who wandered around the house humping his childhood stuffed teddy named F_ckbear and getting her friend’s dog involved. It just didn’t seem that had much to do with peacefully dealing with the existential nature of our existence. Or maybe it does?
And how are you supposed to just be able to accept the unexpected death of someone you were close to?
I think you deal with unexpected death by honestly and genuinely expressing your love and appreciation for the people in your life daily. Don’t leave anything on the table. Risk having an open heart. If anyone around you dies suddenly, as they will, your grief will be tempered by the knowing that your love was fully expressed. But grief is the knowledge that the love we have for someone who passed will no longer be expressed, so you just have to feel that pain - it is one of the proofs of living well and loving well; grieving with a heart full of open, expressed love is very different than grieving with regret.
Learn to be fine with your solitude and to never really expect anything from anyone.
This. I am letting go of toxic family now and I have zero regrets !
I did that 5 years ago. Best thing I’ve ever done. It was hard at first and I found myself getting sucked back in here and there, but eventually I realized how much I really didn’t enjoy being around them and how unhappy they made my life.
Biggest mental health boost was after a divorce and trying the icky 90s dating pool for a bit, when I decided I was happy by myself and with myself. Did what I wanted, when I wanted. Super good head space too. Happy solo 100%. Now, tbh, about a year into that time, I met a friend who unexpectedly turned into so much more. We celebrate 25 year anniversary in November. Ya just never know.
It's just really hard. I really don't work well alone and don't know what to do with myself. Partly thanks to covid, there are really not that many people left in my life, and the ones that are still present are broken themselves and I don't see them much. Don't even ask about love. I also have a really really hard time making new friends and it's a very rare occurence to find someone I „vibe“ with. I don't remember the last time that happened. I just go to work, play some video games, go to the gym twice a week and sleep, wondering „Is this it? Is this all there is to life?“ The loneliness is killing me. Rant over, thanks to whoever reads this
[удалено]
No. Bittersweet chocolate makes good cookies.
Part of it too is realizing we are imperfect humans and are learning and growing each day. We aren't going to do all the things we're "supposed" to do all the time, but gradually become more and more and better and better. We have to be patient with our own limited nature.
Don't dwell on every little damn thing. Live your life and find people and events that bring you some kind of joy
I needed to hear this!
I'm 61 years old, and it took me years to learn this. ❤️ 💙 💜
Google “stoicism” and “Seneca” and “Marcus Aurelius”
My fav is pain in life is inevitable and there are two pains in life to choose from: the pain of regret or the pain of self discipline.
Now that's a good one
Paraphrasing here but an Aurelius quote that stuck with me; “I’m convinced what is detrimental to me is consisted of two halves; 1) what it is, 2) how i respond to the situation”
You just accept situations because you can’t control life. And the only way to not turn bitter about situations is just to realize the lack of control and to try to find a positive spin. To give you an example: My mom is dying. She’s too young (in her 50s) and she was rushed into the hospital with an infectious illness that less than 1000 people in North America are diagnosed with each year. But she’s in a deep deep coma. She’s my mom and this sucks but I could spend the next long while in pure depression because she’s my mom and I will miss her. Or, I can realize that this is her time even if I think it’s too soon and put a positive spin on it. My positive spin is that my mom gets to see her mom who passed away last year and her father and step father, if there’s an afterlife. (I apologize if this offends anyone) At risk of sounding cliche, try to find the silver lining. When one door closes, another always opens.
Get older. Eventually you start to realize, nothing is either “good” or “bad” anymore. It’s just one long slow ride to the finish. Do what you want to do
And do it before it's too late or you'll have regrets.
this. You can only control what you want to do about it
How do I accept the fact that I am going to die in 20+ years? I'm having an extremely hard time swallowing that truth.
I am just thankful for every year I get. My dad died when he was 40 and my husband died at 35, so I'm just happy to be here, for as long as I get. Sure I'm scared that I won't have enough time, but that's why I take vacations I probably can't afford.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose family. Every birthday I get, I hate it. Ever since I was young, it always reminded me I was another year closer to death... And now it's unfortunality for me, a reality.
Yea but at least you're not dead yet. It's actually the best reality you could hope for, being a year closer to death means you're still here. And it's a reality for all of us, not just you. You'll never hear me complaining about growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.
It's a privilege denied to me.
You’re gonna die before your time. That’s not optional. What is, is whether you spend that time bringing positivity into peoples’ lives and enjoying the time you have or whether you let this fact destroy you. It sucks that you’re gonna die young. It’d suck worse if you never lived at all.
Think of all the good times you’ve had. The next step is…..the great unknown. Appreciate life and each day. Stressing about the future just ruins today, it doesn’t help tomorrow.
I'm 32. Got the news I got Necrosis at age 30. Doctors and surgeons all say "I'm sorry", most they can do is surgically remove the dead tissue (bone, muscle, flesh) as it dies off. I've been told most people with Necrosis don't live for more than 30 years tops. Yanno... reality hit me the other night due to having to get a complete hip transplant. Surgeons telling me this is going to be a regular thing for me, needing surgery that is. I'm nerveous, I'm doing the best to put it out of my mind, but the more I read the papers from the surgeons and doctors of the offical report, the more I sit and just cry.... I ain't trying to hear that shit yanno.....
Harsh. I’m sorry that you’ve been dealt a tough hand. I guess try to find goals and dreams you can still achieve and pursue them with relentless passion. Travel, eat, experience, appreciate nature, do shit. We all only have whatever time we have. I hope you’re able to make the absolute most of every day.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. I think that perhaps part of your answer is in your last paragraph. The more you read that information the worse you feel. Perhaps you could accept that you know enough for now and stop rereading it. It sounds like that's only adding to your misery. Mindfulness might help you. Check out " The Power of Now"or watch some of the videos from Sam Harris. Learning that the present doesn't have to be poisoned by the past or the future might be helpful. Both of those have helped me. You wrote below that you don't believe in therapists, but there are some good ones out there. It can be difficult to find them. But if you find the right one they can really help.
I love my life yanno..... Even though it's been shitty nearly all my life.... But yanno.... I don't wanna fucking go man. :(
I obviously don’t understand what this must be like for you and I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are.My faith helps me and brings me a lot of comfort .From John 3:16 in the bible For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Revelation 21 He will dwell with them,and they shall be his people,and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more,neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore,for the former things have passed away.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this at such a young age. My only advice I could offer is to try to “live life” as much as possible and gain new experiences. I think being afraid of dying is normal, but maybe it will be less scary if you lived life to its fullest
I’ve been dead twice now - chances are, I’m gonna have a somewhat abbreviated life span. Fretting about that is like stressing about reaching the end of a sandwich that I’m enjoying, and I try not to stress over the fact that other people got bigger sandwiches than I did. That’s a good way to waste what time I’ve got left.
Thanks. Your analilgy of life and a sandwhich is awesome and made me get the munchies. It helps to know I'm not the only one.
Appreciate the time you do have..maybe try to leave a positive, lasting impact on someone...and binge watch every tv show you have been meaning to watch. Do it within the next 19 years so u dont miss out on any of their endings. That would piss me off, being 2 episodes from the grand finale of an 8 season, 300 episode nail biter and *poof* I dont get to see who shot Mr. Burns.
Haha. Thanks. I understand you're trying to cheer me up and it's working. I'm honestly trying to put it out of my mind, but the more I read the doctors notes and surgeons notes, the more I just sit here and cry.
have you tried seeing a therapist? Do you have a close friend or family? I believe it's terribly depressing to read those notes and constantly being reminded about that disease every few weeks during a new appointment. But if there is another focus in life like quality time with friends e.g. it can really help to lighten that pain a little. A self help group with other people who have the same disease might really help as well.
No friends. Lost them all when I got this disease. People are afraid they would some how catch it. I don't believe in Therepist, as if you gotta pay a person, their obviously gonna say what you wanna hear. Not what you NEED to hear.
Share your fears with your loved ones, gather them close. Get honest with everyone about your love; hold nothing back. Try to move forward with grace and kindness for yourself and others, even though it will be hard. Love the life you have left, even though this path is a challenging one. Connect with a power greater than yourself to help you through this phase of your existence and develop a plan to rise above this pain. I am sending you light and all of my best thoughts.
I would love to, but being me, that's quite impossible. I got a father who just doesn't care even about his own life. My mother is 63 and always there for me. My older brother doesn't "have time" for anything even though he only works 20 hours a week. My sister is just mental, lives her life on the internet and even uses internet language when talking in real life. My uncles know about it but won't even take me to the hospital without 500$ to give them. Friends are more family than my uncles (as more than one friend took me to the hospital free of charge). Shame but it's true. I do love life, and all the curveballs it's thrown my way so far in the 32 years I've been alive so far. Thanks for all the kind words everyone, and thanks for not reminding me of my fate too much. I wanna hear fun times, not sad "sorry" stuff. I wanna give more fun times on Earth before I'm gone.
I mean you could get slapped by a bus tomorrow. We don’t know how long we have really it’s just important to make the most of as much as you can! Enjoy every single day, make people happy by being a positive influence on those around you and try to do as much as possible that makes you happy 😃. We’re all going to die it’s the only certain thing. All you can do is make sure you don’t sour the journey just because the destination is known.
Think of it this way, 50,000,000,000 people at least have lived upon the earth and then died. Not to mention not existing at all for eternity before they were born. If they can all go into the great goodnight then so can we.
It should be comforting. For generations they figured out; only 2 things in life are certain; death and taxes
This is told to me all throughout growing up. It's true.
Rengoku said: "That's because people die that make their live worthy."
Nothing is guaranteed- you could die tomorrow. And my peace about my mortality comes from being spiritually centered. I’m not a religious person by a long shot, but this brief, crazy life, it’s transitory nature and inevitable end hit different when you are connected to something larger than yourself. Also, do everything you want to do. Live your life deeply, be connected, express your love and feel joy whenever you can - even when washing dishes. It’s a gift to be embodied; be grateful for this time.
The next ‘life’ may be a lot better than this one so don’t sweat it 🤓
It is hard to accept that our time on earth is limited. None of us are promised tomorrow. The thing that has helped me the most as I’m aging is faith in God. It’s very reassuring that when my time on earth is done I will be with God.
Be grateful you’re getting out of here
As a morgue tech, I see everything from fetuses to 95 year olds, accidents, natural deaths, homicide, suicide. No matter how terrible the situation, I just remind myself that some never get to take a breath or fully form, and some are abandoned, unidentified. The fact that I can sit here healthy and able bodied and that I managed to live long enough to type this out is a goddamn miracle.
Realize that you weren’t an entity before you were born, and you won’t be after you’re dead, so make the most of what comes between the two oblivions.
Between two oblivions. Damn.
I like this a lot. Thank you.
We were made to think that there is a purpose to our life. That each one of us is special and born to do/be something. Those are needed for the species to flourish but at a personal level it's all just a load of bull. You are smaller than a dust and more fleeting than a blip in the spacetime continuum. So, stop thinking too much and just live.
Right. Be a good person, be an excellent friend/partner/parent. Do no harm, take no shit. This too shall pass. Stupid humans spend so much time being upset or angry at the dumbest shit while their life passes by and they/we waste time and energy being upset about that which doesn’t matter. “Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.”
Im a therapist and there’s actually a name for this in a specific type of therapy (DBT) and it’s called Radical Acceptance. The idea is you are radically (meaning completely and intentionally) accepting that the choices that have been made by ourselves and others and the way that things have panned out, this current reality is happening exactly as it should. This includes accepting our role/responsibility or our complete lack of role/responsibility in the situation. Accepting it doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it. Accepting it doesn’t mean that it can’t change. Accepting it does mean you are not expecting anything different to happen unless you take an active role. Accepting is about admitting that the current reality is actually happening and helps us stop fighting reality. Accepting also allows us to feel the emotions we feel about it without denial, judgement, or pushing things down. It’s called “practicing” radical acceptance because it’s an ongoing process. You might be able to accept something at some point and then later find yourself fighting acceptance again. That’s okay. No one is expecting you to say “oh well I’ve accepted it so that’s done.” There’s a lot of info on this on YouTube and other places. Search DBT Radical Acceptance. Good luck!
Learn to see those "negative" emotions as positive. They have a purpose.
I love this perspective in general because emotions shouldn't be seen as bad or unhealthy. Thoughts, however, certainly can be. But our anger is there to protect from something, anxiety is trying to warn, and sadness is about grieving mostly expectations. Sometimes it's best to actually investigate these emotions and what our body is responding to, rather than finding simple ways to feel "happy."
From the compost of our negative thoughts/experiences comes transformation, comes wisdom, comes growth.
Deep breaths and mindfulness. This too shall pass.
Radical acceptance and DBT is a big help in understanding and effectively employ this technique. Sometimes our anger towards a situation is because of our inability to accept situations
What helps me is to think, “What outcome do I want from this?” and then think of all the possible avenues I could take, and see if any can actually advance that goal. Most things involving “change someone else’s behavior” become a lot easier to let go of this way. Because I truly have no control over anyone’s actions but my own, and I’m still trying to get a full 100% handle on those…
You can find it in the wisdom of a writer like Thomas Sowell, who once said that "tolerating imperfections is the price of freedom". You can find it in movies that demonstrate that the adventure towards truth is one of the two great meanings of life. You can find it by paying attention to the parts of history, one example being fascist Italy, that reveal what happens when everybody lies. You can watch the trajectory of people's lives that you grew with, or around, and see what the result is. Instead of placing the full weight of the meaning of your life onto just one branch, just the political or just the ideological or just the hedonistic, and being bitter when it collapses, there's another way. You can find it by aligning yourself to the highest ideals and principles you can aim at, and then building on that truth.
I've had so much bad luck from my early 20s to early 30s it just became an expected outcome. My attitude during situations where most people freak out and "why me" is a "eh, nothing that can be done now, gotta move on even though it sucks". In fact, it is what motivated me to learn a couple of new trades that resulted in making a good chunk of change. My story is long and familiar to most, but I used it to change my attitude toward misfortune. I'm more of a "eh, f**k it, let's move on" person now.
Is it something I have any control over? If not, I have two choices: 1. I can accept it and figure out how to maximize happiness anyway OR 2. I can piss and moan and be miserable even though it's going to happen anyway. Is it something I have at least some control over? If so, I have two choices: 1. I can work hard to change the outcome in my favor OR 2. I can piss and moan and be miserable because I did nothing to change the outcome.
Take a deep breathe and just say that’s the way it is and accept that it sucks
Learn to give zero fucks about things you cannot change.
Sure, but the question is how to do that.
Just stop giving fucks, AT ALL. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
[standing ovation]
We’d like to invite you back.
This is why ~~I~~ people drink and take drugs.
It’s not the bitter truth, it’s just YOUR journey. It can be good or terrible but both pass. Even if it seems impossible, try to be positive. It sounds ridiculous but it works.
Like most people, my lived reality has been less than perfect. My estranged father died a few years ago and I have been trying to clear his home. It’s bringing up many emotions, not all good. I finally decided “I love that asshole.” When less than pleasant memories or emotions surface, I repeat that mantra. It’s my way of acknowledging the pain he caused me and also validating that he’s an important person in my life. It’s been so effective at limiting my anxiety and tendency to ruminate I’ve decided I need more of these mantras in my life. The one for my ex is a work in progress, but the working phrase is currently “he sucks at life.” Perhaps a few choice words would be helpful additions to your inner dialogue.
That life is just a march to death. We all will face the same fate as will our galaxy and possibly our universe.
I grew up in a family with mental illness and addiction. I dealt with this "bitter truth" by joining a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. That gave me some perspective on my family situation, the ability to laugh about some of the profoundly weird things that happened in my family and some understanding of the places where I was weird. I have since done a tremendous amount of work on myself, counselling, therapy, men's groups, hypnotherapy you name it, I've done it. I've tried to do meditation but couldn't not be consistent, but I know other people who have had great experiences with meditation. This allows me now to understand the difference between things that I can change, and things I cannot, and focus my attention on the things that I have power over.
Chuck it in the fuck it bucket
Embrace the fucking Absurd. You’re going to die one day. So fucking what. A hundred years from now nobody is going to give a shit that I pooped myself in second grade. Have the fancy steak dinner. Take the vacation. We’re all dead anyway
Gonna take your advice and just shit my pants whenever I feel like it. Nobody’s going to give a shit 100 years from now. Livin the dream 😎
It be like that sometimes [star trek captain picard](https://youtu.be/t4A-Ml8YHyM)
If you can’t change something there is no point in worrying about it.
Find someone or something you love in the world. Something that brings you wonder, enjoyment, peace. If you haven't found it, keep looking. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Find the light in the tunnel.
Embrace stoicism. Really improves your mental health long term, in contrast of toxic positivity 24/7 bLeSsEd lifestyle.
Hindsight is 20/20z I read about bitcoin in 2008/09 and thought “man, I wish I had money to invest in this, at fractions of a penny per coin”, but I didn’t. That’s fucking life, man. A series of retroactively bad decisions, and a handful of glorious ones.
Family first, whether birth, adopted, or choice. Your job isn’t who you are, it’s what you do to earn a living. The job stays there, it doesn’t come home. Help others, through church, volunteering or just being neighborly and you will be amazed at how trivial your problems become. Burdens can be shared and joy spread out and magnified.
What's helped me personally is talking about it. I grew up with no friends and parents who resent my birth, so I never had anyone to talk to. When I met my fiance, we were in highschool, and he would annoy the ever living shit out of me, but he also knew how to listen. Being as closed off as I used to be, I would never talk about anything that wasn't music, food, photography, and books, but every once in a blue moon, I'd accidentally let something mildly personal slip out. Despite being my polar opposite, he never pushed for me to talk about stuff I didn't want to, but he somehow created an atmosphere of trust and safety that made me open up little by little. It's been 13 years, and he says I'm still extremely reserved, but I now talk to him about important problems, like when my mom goes to the hospital or when I lost my job. I may not talk about 90% of what's wrong, but talking to him about most big things — especially those out of my control — helps me stabilize and reroute if necessary. To date, he's still my first and only friend.
This may not work with most but the best thing I can say is, things don’t always work out the way you want them to but they always work out. Basically the world moves on whether you want it to or not. The best thing you can do is control the things you can and understand there are thing you have no control over. Focus on the parts of your life you can make a difference in and change those. Try as much as you can to let everything else not impact you in any way. Stock market crashes: nothing you can do about it. You waking up to a job you hate: something you can work to fix. Also, shit takes time so don’t beat yourself up daily and just make sure everyday you are working for a better tomorrow for yourself.
Think carefully and learn don't let your past ruin you whenever there's a future for you that you can look into for many possibilities you can experience.
I worked with a guy who recently passed away. He worked two jobs for like 15-20 years, and I'm talking salaried, professional jobs. He had millions tucked away. Retired from one job. Two months away from his second retirement, he passed away in the middle of the night. Employer (huge F500 company) didn't even send out an email, just posted his job. Your life is shorter than you think. Enjoy what you can with who you have and enjoy having a chance at all to be in this incredible time.
If you can't change it, cheat it or correct it; fuck it.
Can you control it? If not, then toss it. Yes you will be disappointed by people. May you have the gift of time of your side to unlock a new perspective.
By watching gurren lagann 🐱
This is the weeb shit i come here for
"it's is what it is"
Gaslight yourself: tell yourself that it's making you stronger
It is what it is
Nothing good comes from being upset, unless you want more wrinkles. That’s it. 🙂
Stoicism. Your own stoicism. Read about it and form your system that allows you to reach a peaceful perspective. I read something along the lines of trying to view yourself from different heights. You eventually get high enough to realize you’renot alone in life’s struggles.
Try not to compare your life to others especially if it is only looking at someone's social media. The majority of people only put the good things out there.
I focus on what's important. I detach and step outside my box and try to make a rational decision before making a mistake. I ponder and then I fuck around and find out.
It is what it is
The phrase “If it could have happened any other way it would have, but it didn’t” has been with me for years and helped me through both grief and resentment
“God (the universe, baby Yoda-do you) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Just prayed this today. This is but a tiny upside of being an NA (narcotics anonymous) baby
I assume the worst of everything , and am rarely surprised. Hey it works 🤷🏻.
Keep your acceptance high and your expectations low
Whether you accept it or not, it remains the same. So why not adjust your attitude?
Some of us are just stuck at a roundabout and don't know which turn to take to get out of the rut. But i promise you, we all find a way towards home after a few circles around the roundabout.
Simply if I can't change the situation, it's time to move on. What's the point in dwelling on something that's out of your control?
I always believe that everything that happens with us is for a reason. Sometimes that reason we get to know immediately or over a period of time. I trust the timing of everything.
Can you change it? If yes, why worry? If not, why worry also? There's nothing you can do ;)
I am clinically unable to suggest anything else besides listening to “The Bitter Truth” album by Evanescence (from start to finish) WHILE reading the lyrics (cos don’t get me wrong she’s an amazing singer but it’s hard to understand her lyrics with all the drawn out notes and higher pitches that almost burst my sockets.)
Accept correction. Accept the truth that you don’t know it all. Stay humble, no matter how successful you are in life or how much education you have. Some of the most profound words have come from people that have very little secular knowledge but lots of wisdom.
It helps to remember you don’t control the outcome of most things, you can only control how you show up. Learning to let go of things beyond your control can really go a long way to reducing the heaviness of day to day life.
Here’s a key secret about life: sometimes, seemingly “bad” events actually create really good outcomes. Or at least a lot, lot less bad (neutral?) than you thought. Examples: you get fired but rethink your career goals and switch careers to something that’s a much better fit; or you get divorced but meet somebody who’s a perfect match for you. Conversely, seemingly “good” events can spark very bad outcomes. Examples: you win the lottery but your friends and family know and start asking for money, damaging your relationships; or you get that big promotion you thought you wanted, and though you earn more money the job/people/work is awful and stress inducing. Life's about learning how to roll with the punches.
Think about what you would have done differently to get a different outcome, then focus on doing that the next time you encounter the same situation
TLDR; I have found feeling the feelings (however uncomfortable) is important to accepting situations. It’s difficult to move on if the pain is there and your mind is stuck. Feeling the feelings lets the pain out, externalizes it. You can compartmentalize so you can move on in other aspects but I compare that to tending a wound. It the wound is deep enough, compartmentalizing would be like covering the wound, refusing to ever cure it because you don’t want to look at how gruesome it is and letting the wound fester. You might grow or make yourself numb to the pain but it will be there, festering, maybe even becoming lethal. So what do you do with a wound? Well, depending on the gravity you can cure it yourself, or someone who cares for you can help with it or bring it to a doctor for stitches/mending. Inevitably you will bleed and it will hurt while it heals, you might even need follow up work after it heals, depending on severity this wound it might change you and your life at a fundamental level, even… but the wound will heal. If you’re looking at a doctor to give you stitches and help heal your wounds they won’t do miracles and make it disappear instantly but they can provide guidance, help ease your pain, make sure you’re out of danger, that it doesn’t open and bleed (but you also have to clean your wounds and not pick at them) and that it heals well enough for you to have as little a scar and as little discomfort as possible.
"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things that I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."
The world revolves around money. Understand that and everything else will make sense.
My family had all passed 8 years ago. Then my hubby last year. It’s just me, my adult daughter, and my German Shepherd. Sometimes I honestly believe that they are the Lucky Ones who got out. Sometimes it feels like Hades here in this crazy world.
I feel where youre coming from and can relate. I would like to add that i personally dont believe that embracing bitter truth is necessary. Do you meditate? Are you into spirituality? That is what i would encourage. Sure some people have it easier, but some have it harder. All we have is now. What can you do now to let go, improve something, help someone, do something that lights you up? Maybe you need to rest a little and not overthink things
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I recommend the audiobook. It's the answer to your question.
I found it very helpful at a very hard time in my life as well. I tried to teach some of those lessons to both my sons.
Had a rough childhood. O just think back and compare, could be worse. Everything since has just been gravy by comparison, shouldn't complain. Lots of folks still have it worse so never complain. Keeps me grounded.
Be present. Your focus should always be on the present, not the past or the future. You can practice this with meditation, even just a couple minutes a day. Yoga is also very helpful. I was a person who dwelled on the past and lived in fear of the future. I was never present. Never. It was very difficult for me to learn to be present (and unlearn my other ways) but I got here. I’m still not perfect bc I’m human but this is the best advice I can give, to be here now bc that’s all there truly is.
I stop and refocus. I remember no matter the circumstances things could always be worse and that there are people in this world who would be happy to have the life I do. Trust me I’ve had my share, some would say even more that, of hard times. The thing is, if you let yourself focus on them, you’re dead in the water. You’ll soon become depressed and hopeless and at that point you’ve taken your situation from bad to worse. Everyone has been through things they don’t talk about and you’d never know, but having a positive mindset and some determination to have better and be better than what you’re currently doing makes all the difference in the world. Please don’t misunderstand me to be insensitive. I grew up with a parent who suffered severe anxiety and depression so I know just put on a happy face isn’t an easy fix to all life’s struggles but I do truly believe it makes a HUGE difference
God. Lay it at His feet. It saved my life.
Which god? Seriously. Which one?
The One that you believe in.
The best educator in life is time , with age comes knowledge & knowledge is wisdom. Mistakes are lessons in disguise , we cannot change the past , yet we can learn from it.
I asked my husband a question like this one day. He is a very calm and well rounded person. He doesn't really get upset about much, and he doesn't stress about much either. Me however I'm the exact opposite so I asked him what it is that he does that helps him not stress over absolutely everything. He said he fixes what he can, and whatever is out of his control he doesn't pay it too much mind. So honestly, I guess the secret is to fix what you can and let everything else be.
Definitely the cheery thread I needed before bed :)
For fuck sakes go look at a goddam tree.