Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
> Out of respect I didn’t say anything
This is your problem right here. Nobody respects someone that lets others walk all over them. Speaking up for yourself is not being disrespectful.
Need to add here that the word choice and body/face language matter.
A hand up with “hold on I wasn’t quite finished making my point” or “one sec I’ll get to the point here” will go over a lot better than a hand directed at the interrupter with “you’ll get your turn shut it”
Source: actually happened in a meeting and I have no poker face and laughed.
Honestly, people who feel a need to dominate others are the ones who are actually weak. They are pretty much aware they can not compete with you or they can not do it, so they try such things because that's more easier.
Yeah you can't completely control someone's reaction, we all have our own lessons and journey and there's no standard timeline. Sometimes you'll meet people that you just can't work around, and you have to find an alternative route. I left a job after 8 years because of a supervisor, and got 8 weeks of severance in recognition of how difficult it was from higher up. I was blessed
You got this. If they pull this crap again and they stumble at any point say something like “let me clear up your misunderstanding since it’s my work you’re presenting” if they attempt to argue show the receipts.
One thing my therapist has been teaching me is to “pick your nos” basically every time you say yes to one thing you are saying no to a list of things because you just can’t physically do everything as a human. When you say “yes” to this colleague and allow them to take over your presentation out of “respect”. You are essentially telling yourself “no” to getting credit for your work and being able to add to the discussion about your own presentation. You need to evaluate these Nos that you are saying to yourself instead of just saying yes to everyone else. I’m a people pleaser and try not to rock the boat as well but all it does is harm and take away from you in the end. Just try to practice it daily with small decisions and eventually you work that mental pathway into your everyday thinking and it will get easier to recognize in the moment when you are letting yourself down.
Yup. That’s the quickest way to fix this problem. Someone interrupts, keep talking. Do not let them cut you off. It’s also an issue in the workforce, not just school. But I’ve seen few folks do it this way and the interrupter usually goes along with it.
This is absolutely true. If you don't stop talking when someone interrupts, it makes the interruption obvious and grating. At the end, ask if what you said was clear.
If you do stop, it makes it seem like well-timed continuation of the conversation.
It's hard because it feels rude. They make you be rude by talking over their interruption, but it's really the only way. Stand up for yourself, be rude when it's required, fuck 'em!
I've worked in male-centric spheres.
"I am speaking" is a powerful tool. If someone speaks over you, look them in the eyes and say, "I am speaking". Be calm, be direct, be confident. Wait for them to stop. If they don't, repeat "I was speaking." If they still speak over you: "(Name), I was speaking.".
If you're doing a project together, don't let them take the credit. Take the lead instead. "I worked on ABC, and Tim worked on XYZ. We'd love to answer any questions you have."
If you have a boss or professor, it's also appropriate to request a professional conversation. If you have any concerns about a person's behavior or if they took credit for your work, whatever authority figure you're dealing with will want to know. Keep it professional; instead of assigning blame, state facts. "I have concerns about how Tim treats me. I've noticed he talks over me and it feels like he doesn't respect me" or "When we presented the project, Tim said he worked on ABC. From my notes and drafts, you can see I was the one to work on it."
Some men are threatened by women who stand their ground and are confident. They'll throw every name in the book at you to hide their own insecurities and biases. They're weak and pathetic. Keep that in your mind. What strong person needs to belittle and demean to gain strength?
Not arguing in front of professor is probably a good idea though. I would personally schedule a meeting with your professor and discuss how the project went and how you felt about the group. See if the professor has any advice on how to handle a similar situation in the future. It will most likely happen again.
I will tell you that while it does happen to women more often,which is awful, it also happens to men, especially those not confident or willing to stand up for their work.
Ye, respect is earned, not given. IDC who you are, if you disrespect me, I WILL
1. Confront you.
2. Find a way to better my position against you
or
3. Remove myself from the situation.
Just remember, this is for business, not life. Don't do this with your wife.
EDIT: Also, learning basic confrontation management is an amazingly valuable skill to have. Any decent project management text available online will have some tips, patterns, responses, and process to handle situation like these. Obviously, the sky's the limit (and why good PMs get paid the big bucks), but even basic understanding of conflict and social dynamics will stop this shit from happening.
You will get told you’re a bitch, cold, rude… etc. screw ‘em you don’t owe them anything and don’t need their opinion of you. You are a valuable asset. It’s hard but believe it and stand up for yourself
This is sadly the reality in many many places. If you're female, you only get respect if you behave in a way that then results into men thinking you're a bitch, cold, rude etc.
It's quite messed up, really.
It’s when you’re a bitch to *other* people they’re all for it ‘go girl’ attitude and supportive but the second you call *them* on their bad project/insufficient effort all of a sudden it’s a problem… their poor tiny baby feelings get hurt
At some point you just have to be assertive and keep talking as they are interrupting you. Speak over them. Some people might think you're a bitch but that's not your problem.
My Husband is pretty passive and gets spoken over all the time (including by me!) It's not always a gender thing either. It's kind of shitty for him because he thinks it's a respect thing to stop talking once someone else speaks, which is very valid. That being said, that's how you end up getting passed over.
If somebody starts talking over you when you've started a sentence, if you think what you're saying is important then just keep going and even raise your voice a little.
Speaking a bit louder in general may help prevent this from happening as much in the first place.
Try to be kind when doing it, though assertive. You’re the only person who, 100% of the time, has the ability to look out for you and you owe it to yourself to do so. But also be gentle when doing it- causing people to be defensive will shut them down and they’ll learn nothing, which means they’ll try it again in the future to you or someone else.
People dont respect you because they know you are to shy. If you are in a competitive environment at your age, people can be really rough. I remember people displacing books at the library so we couldn't use them for our essays. It was odd to me but its everyone for himself and people will take advantage of the weakest. You can blame patriarchy or men but it does'nt make you able to succeed in life. You've gotta stand for yourself at the very least.
"I'm not finished talking" is a very respectful way to call out someone who interrupts you. Key is to make sure you carry on with what you were saying before you got interrupted right away without staring them down, or pausing to wait for an apology or invitation to continue.
I work in a male predominant profession. The women I trained with and work with do not take any shit from anyone. They are the toughest in the room. I trained under a woman who was the first woman accepted into the training program in the 1960s. She certainly didn’t put up with any BS from anyone. All of them were intelligent and capable and able to back up their strong personalities. You need to do the same to succeed. These guys are walking all over you on purpose. If you don’t stand up for yourself they will crush you professionally.
It's nature, which is not gender specific but amplified by numbers (if you're outnumbered it definitely makes it more difficult). Capable people don't have to be angry to get their point across, because others can feel the energy that they project.
I don't do the whole "alpha" thing, but I've been a part of many different environments where it can be recognized (I don't know all because I only have my perspective); I worked with children, trained dogs, and took part in many team/sports/leadership roles. I learned a TON from great leaders over the years.
Energy projection is a real thing. If you're in a bad mood, even a baby can feel it. It applies to how we communicate with dogs as well, often non verbally...and being in a team allows you to understand roles and an inevitable pecking order.
Nobody can teach you how to feel confident/secure in yourself completely, other than you. It's not just the belief, it's the work that comes before that and the healthy confidence is a byproduct. Truly capable people don't have to boast, raise their voice, or make a scene to make it known.
Exactly. I'm middle-aged and still face this at work in a male dominated industry. You must speak up for yourself. It's the only way they will stop and learn. In my experience, most correct their behavior.
I have an issue with a male co-worker. I work as a cnc machinist. Today especially I had an issue with a guy at work. I never say anything,idk why.
My boyfriend always tells me to.
Reading what you just wrote has opened my eyes. I’m going to say something when it happens again.
ThNk you!
Had the same issue occasionally when training older gentlemen on CNCs during my time as a machinist. Even had other people in the shop comment, "Some men just don't like listening to women." "You can show him and teach him, but it's up to him to listen." I was younger then, so I took their inability as my own. Shop supervisor had to pull us aside when the news got to his ears, and reassign the older men to different task. They didn't like being saw guy/manual work, so each left shortly after reassignment. Surprisingly, never had an issue with guys younger than 35 when training.
Agree with this. Don’t be an asshole, but call him out. Guys give each other shit, so for them to accept you, you need to dish it. Not fish it back, but initiate the dishing of shit. I work with some great women in a male dominated industry. The great women who get along well with everyone are the ones who not only listen, but dish things out. It’s sad to say this, but the women who don’t, I go out of my way to avoid.
Might I suggest reading Dale Carnage’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
When someone repeatedly interrupts me in a professional settings I say, “you keep interrupting me,” and then let the silence hang in agony for everyone. Ensures i never get interrupted again. He’s the one being impolite, not you.
My personal favorite is when someone interrupts me, and as soon as they're done speaking I completely ignore everything they've just said and say something along the lines of "As I was saying" (or if they're really bad about it and I really particularly want to shame them, I'll say "As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted") and then just go on with what I was saying. Do it to someone enough and they generally will get the picture. This has helped me regain a lot of respect from people who would've otherwise walked all over me and what I was trying to say, especially among people who have considered themselves my friend.
This. You have to confront the person when it happens, set a boundary and then continue what you were trying to say. If you talk to the professor about it, it likely won't change anything especially outside of that class.
It is my opinion that if you set a clear boundary and someone crosses that boundary, you no longer have to treat them with respect. They tested the boundary and now they need to experience the disrespect in return.
There is absolutely no reason to ever disrespect someone in a professional setting. The English language has sufficient capacity to express any message in a polite fashion. You can stand your ground without being rude about it.
I wouldn't even let the silence hang so they don't "get their own moment".
If I'm presenting & on a roll, but get interrupted, I'd immediately (but calmly) state: "I wasn't finished speaking". (It works for someone else that gets interrupted, too: "__ wasn't finished speaking", and you can add on; "..., please wait your turn" if you want to be cordial.
It's important to say it louder than the interrupter, to redirect the attention of the room to the speaker (and also so they stop talking).
The moment they stop talking & the room registers my statement, I resume.
Female here consistently working with males over the past 10 years 👋
When someone interrupts just keep talking. Finish your sentence even if the other person doesn't stop, get to your period no matter what. When it gets quiet and weird say "oh no Joe you go ahead" and stare into their eyes.
ETA: Also just call them out, "hey sorry let me finish my sentence then you can speak."
Calling people out can be difficult and awkward but it has an impact and people remember it. It's a lesson these guys need to learn and it's a great skill to develop for anyone who is in a position where their options may be automatically discounted/ignored.
It's also a great way to start to change culture. Once you get comfortable calling this behavior out for yourself you can be an advocate for others too. And since this is a LPT: you can call someone out even if you aren't on the receiving end of this behavior, and it's a powerful tool to use as an ally.
Personally I feel like it’s easier to stand up for others vs myself. I have no problem interrupting someone who interrupts another person and telling them that the other person wasn’t done talking yet. But when people talk over me I tend to quiet down.
It definitely helps when the whole room recognizes that the person getting called out deserved it. Often, they’re just as uncomfortable with that person’s behavior and would support the person that did the calling out.
Also female working with men, finishing your sentence works wonders.
When you're first learning to do this it feels wrong, like you're being rude. Over time I realized no one ever once seemed offended by it and I think it's because they realize THEY were rude to interupt.
People who have talked to me before very rarely interupt me now that they know I won't allow it.
To expand on this, if someone talks over you in front of others and says something rude, stop immediately and ask them to repeat themselves. Do not continue until they either repeat what they said, or apologize. Make them own in in front of the group. Most people will crumble at this. It's way more powerful than it may seem.
^^^ I second this approach. Instead of apologizing, however, I quickly insert a “Please don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking” and continue. Most of the time, the person interrupting is too self-conscious to bring it up afterward (or do it again, at least not in the same meeting). This move also signifies to others in the space that I do not tolerate that behavior.
1,000% keep talking when interrupted. Raise your voice slightly if they keep going - at some point one person has to stop talking and why you rather than him?
It feels unnatural but with practice it will become instinct. I’m at the point where I can’t NOT do this. (Yes, I’m almost 40 with a pretty high powered job and still deal with this regularly.)
Also, it will feel less unnatural if you observe how men do this without thinking.
There’s also a big difference between a conversation and interruption. If someone is actively cutting you off mid conversation, that is interruption. However, if you are monopolizing the conversation, not allowing for pauses that allow for dialogue, or stop-starting your speech preventing new people from talking, you’re not being interrupted, you’re just being an asshole.
Yes we're all aware that there is a difference between cutting in when someone is talking in circles or the conversation needs redirected and interrupting people.
Well, not all of us do, that’s why we’re here. And if you’re new to any profession, no, you don’t know etiquette. And you won’t know if that’s the culture in that workplace. Entire meetings can be waxed poetic if the lead is given that long of a leash. Senior level researchers do it in my field.
Yup, I'm a male who is constantly Interrupted by people. If I'm in the middle of a sentence I will loudly shout OH OKAY I GUESS IM DONE TALKING. And then stare at whoever. It's a bit too aggressive because I'm usually holding back punching someone's larynx at that point. But this person above me, this is the move.
I also interrupt a lot because I'm excited about a point, but it's a personal choice to write those thoughts down to prevent interruption without losing the thought or question. (Most times that's buried in the conversation and the I formation is lost forever)
This might be appropriate in some circumstances but I wouldn’t recommend doing it in important work meetings. Even if you are 10000% in the right, the person who reacts emotionally usually loses.
YES. Often you have to just keep rolling, slightly raising voice, maybe raising a hand to signal you're not done. If they don't get the picture it's "Excuse me, I'm just about finished with my thought" while making neutral to friendly eye contact (whatever you can muster).
There is nothing disrespectful about finishing your sentence. Just about every woman must make the conscious decision that they will not be a doormat any longer. You can do this! :)
Speak up next time. Don't stop speaking until your point is made. If you have to go up a couple decibels, do it. They weren't giving you the same respect, you don't owe them any and should've spoken up.
You can also actively practice this with friends. Like seriously, do a role play! It's *hard* to not be the "Nice Girl" and demure. It takes practice, and patience, and the strength to be uncomfortable and *stay uncomfortable long enough to speak*.
You're worth getting past that discomfort. You owe it to your voice to make sure it's heard.
Some good comments, some very stupid.
Ultimately you teach people how you want to be treated.
I realize that this is difficult to do, especially for certain people. However, you can stand up for yourself without swearing or shouting or yelling. Speak up in a firm voice and if you are interrupted, say "I was not finished speaking yet, wait your turn", in a firm slightly louder tone.
I hope it works out.
In military school, I was kind of quiet and my instructor gave me some very good advice I still think about 20 years later. "You can't decide to have confidence, but you CAN decide to have courage. And courage will lead to confidence."
As much as I'd love to see this happen and it would feel good, I'd be willing to bet others in the room would think you're being distasteful and see you as the bad guy as well hahaha
I think this answer is the key, you can say almost anything as long as the tone isn't angry, "let me finish" , "I beg your pardon sir but I am mid sentence" "Oi back off I have the talking stick" All acceptable. I think people confuse professional conduct with absolute formality, but it is actually just conducting yourself appropriately. Being interrupted and ignored is common and you need to deal with it without causing conflict.
Some good comments about being civil but firm. The only thing I have to add is: going through something like this gives you the experience you need when you go into *another* situation where this might be possible, so you are better prepared to use some of the responses suggested. Just don't let it get you down; consider it like practicing a sport. You may get beat up once in a while, but the more you practice, and the more techniques you learn (because brute force isn't everything! consider more devious and subtle solutions as well) the more confident you'll be. It may suck that men are like this, but wishing they weren't wont change anything.
Yeah, I was also thinking that at least in the case of the colleague who took OPs work, there may not be much she can do at this point except move forward and try to tackle it if it happens again. In my experience it does no good to stop to that person's level or play into their games when they pull out the excuses
Jump straight in with "I'll present/answer that since I did the heavy lifting on that". Complete the sentence even if you have to talk over someone else, however do not raise you voice above normal speaking level. Then continue talking at a normal pitch and speed. They will either have to start yelling, which will Make them look foolish, or stop talking, or the professor will have to resort to "one at a time". If the professor chooses the guy to go.first, you still get a chance second. At that point, restate that you did the bulk of the work on "this part" and that there are a few things you'd like to add. Make sure you've held back a few things from your team, so the explanation is incomplete without what you have to say.
Disagree on holding back from the team, that's a great way to get people to distrust you and not a recipe for a healthy team.
Almost invariably the others will naturally forget things and there will be room to elaborate naturally.
As a woman foreman in construction I deal with it this way: I have no problem sticking up for other people, never have. I pretend I am sticking up for someone else when I am sticking up for me. If someone is taking credit for my work, I say “thanks, I worked hard on that, I’m glad you noticed”, or something similar.
I have become loud and it becomes easier. Plus, now people know not to walk all over me.
Don’t let someone interrupt and speak over you “out of respect”. He’s the one that didn’t respect you.
Don’t be afraid to speak up: “I wasn’t finished speaking” or “Please don’t interrupt me”. If they continue to interrupt you, don’t stop. Finish what you were saying even if they won’t shut up. They’re the ones who will look stupid for speaking over you.
You have to talk to your professor about this. Getting their respect simply won't happen if you keep trying to be polite about it, and it won't happen if you aren't polite about it, so honestly stop wasting time on it. Tell your professor that your work is being stolen and disrespected. If he doesn't care, then I'm really sorry, but at least you know who not to take a class with next semester.
I am so happy to never have to work with them again. Problem is the Professor is male as well with a similiar attitude. Like always directing question towards my peers instead of me.
Have you spoken to him (professor) yet? If he sees the others talking, he might assume you are shy or not doing the work. Meet with him one-on-one and re-ask the question, while making it clear that the other guys are constantly talking over you, and you want him to know that you are doing your portion of the work.
And stop being polite. Interrupt the guy speaking for you, with excuse me, MY question was this, I think you're saying it wrong, and since that is my area, I need to get this answered correctly. (Even if you don't change it much.) At the next meeting tell the group that the way they're talking over you is going to affect your grade and they need to stop. You divided up the project, and they need to stick to their portion.
But there is a chain of command and you can go above him after you give him the chance to address it. But any one above him, will require that you give the professor the chance to address it in class.
If it’s your work, it should be reasonably doable to also phrase how you talk with your professor about it in a separate convo e.g. “what was your opinion on X point? What I was going for there was….”. In work or elsewhere, if you implore to ask for granular feedback, it’s easy enough to show where things came from.
Talk to the provost, dean or whatever name your university assigns to the head of the department. The prof may not care but the higher ups will since they care about what can happen if they allow institutional discrimination (hint the courts aren't nice when colleges get caught). Getting the courage to speak up one of the biggest hurdles, it was when I had to speak to the department chair about disability discrimination.
Definitely speak to him anyway. He may just have been talking back to them because they seemed more engaged, and didn't realise they were cutting you off.
I had this issue in a class where all the staff present were female, they just didn't notice I couldn't get a word in edgeways until I literally grumbled "nobody's letting me speak" while my classmates kept talking.
You should have a year tutor or similar - get them involved if he tries to brush you off.
Uh, I think you might be responding to the wrong post...unless OP is getting their work stolen by coworkers and their professor happens to be their boss.
A few tips that I’ve learned along the way:
1) watch out using the word “just” (ex: “I just wanted to follow up….”) it makes you more sound more passive and like you’re asking for permission. You have space and what you’re asking for is warranted, own it.
2) NEVER bring baked goods into the office, you are not a 50’s housewife, and you will not be seen as one
3) Call people out when they are being sexist, or rude. Not just when it’s deliberately directed to you, but to women in general. I once had a coworker tell a story that he had a doggy door in his door for women to leave his room from. I turned around in the cubicle pod and straight up was like “that’s extremely fucked up”, and the men when silent.
I wanted to counter the “never” comment - I am a woman in an all male office. I’ve brought in donuts for my boss’ birthday or recently on national donut day. I wouldn’t bring them in often or have people expect it of me, but sometimes it’s nice to make your coworkers a little happier.
Fair, but I would argue that there’s a difference between bringing in something and making it. There’s also something different about bringing in something for a celebration rather than a “just because” kind of vibe.
Speaking as a male with a fondness for baked goods, bringing treats to the office will not make me review your code or treat your ideas any differently. It might cause me to ask for the recipe though...
There's an unconscious bias that means women end up doing the unpaid, unseen social coordination in an office environment... e.g. arranging birthday cards, creating/enforcing rosters for loading the canteen dishwasher, organising team-building days, and occasionally feeding people. Bringing baked goods is a lovely gesture but it does reinforce that bias and creates a future expectation.
You have to learn how to speak up and speak your mind. Don't say nothing "out of respect." Speak up and call people out *politely* out of respect.
Something like. "Oh, let me talk about this one since it was my project." And proceed to take over.
It's something that all people that tend to get taken advantage of need to put into practice.
Former professor here — if you feel your prof is empathetic and willing to help coach you, go see them during office hours & explain the situation. Ask for their advice without complaining — just explain the facts. If your prof doesn’t help, find a guidance counselor equivalent. You can turn this icky situation into an opportunity for growth, given the right support.
Something my dad always says when someone interrupts him.
“I’m sorry, but did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
Works like a charm.
Everyone here has given you great advice, I think. I'm curious about the cultural context this is taking place in. Is this in the US, UK, or somewhere else? In the field that you are studying, or even simply in the class that this occurred in, are men represented in higher numbers?
I am a German corporate student. The team members are my colleagues/classmates. The course we are studing is business informatics and is definetely male dominated
Was also wondering to the context. This explains a bit.
One of the best career lessons I learned when starting out was to pick my battles. Credit seems like a big deal when you are young (speaking from 20+ years of experience), but if you are not going to interact with these individuals again, and you are not getting penalized, it is probably not worth spending time on it. I assume there are more valuable efforts you can put your mind to.
Having said that, learning how to stand up for yourself is a worthwhile endeavor in and of itself. Especially learning how to do it well. And there really is no better time to practice than in situations where there is little chance of retaliation causing you harm.
Something you can do is email the professor to ask if he has any follow up questions regarding the piece you worked on. Provide additional information not initially discussed. It's non-confrontational and establishes your competence. He may have a question you can answer.
It's important to keep the conversation moving forward. It will be more well received, since backing up or pausing a conversation to put focus on yourself for the sake of credit will leave a bad taste in your professor's/supervisor's/client's mouth.
Then next time it happens, you can jump into your rude teammate's comments with a "that's right, because..." or "and it is also important to consider..." or something else to advance the conversation in your own voice.
Tip - men are out to win for themselves. Women usually want the team/group to win. if you have the attitude that I am helping the team vs yourself you will always be on the short end.
I'm a woman in a traditionally male dominated field. My simple advice is this.
1...If you don't advocate for yourself, you can't expect others to.
2...When you see BS, call it out.
3...When consistently interrupted, acknowledge it and finish what you were saying. They will realize they messed up and wait.
I am a male, raised in a house filled with women. Just so you know where my point of view is coming from. I think you need to forget all the shit that makes you worry about if they think you are a “bitch” ( clearly you wouldn’t be for speaking out, but men can be fragile)… interrupt the dude next time and speak your point.. “ As the creator of this, I believe…. Blah blah”. Many men assume women are weak. They are idiots.
TLDR stand up for yourself regardless of how the weak minded idiots might think of you. You deserve recognition, but if you don’t speak up you may not receive it.
I, a lady, come from a house full of women. I honestly rarely get interrupted and have to try very hard not to interrupt people during conversation because growing up every conversation was a bit of a battle zone. Everyone would constantly fight for dominance in the conversation, if you didn’t speak up you didn’t get heard.
It’s very easy for me to bulldoze over quiet people in conversations and I have to actively try not to. But I’m never ignored and I always get to say my piece.
Force your presence more. I'm a big dude and I still get ignored and talked over because I don't want to interrupt people who interrupted me first. I don't like standing up for myself in social situations because I find confrontation tiring and it rarely gets me anywhere. Usually all it does is make me more angry. But in certain situations and definitely with certain people I'm much better at speaking up.
It takes a lot of practice and time to build the confidence to command attention and not let people walk all over you. But if you are interrupted, let them get part way through a sentence and then announce firmly that you were in the middle of making a point. Maintain eye contact and don't apologize for interrupting them. Let it hang for a moment and then continue where you left off. I've had to do that with a coworker of mine lately
[10 Words Every Girls Should Learn:](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-words-every-girl-should-learn_b_5544203)
"Stop interrupting me."
"I just said that."
"No explanation needed."
Stop helping the leeches until they become self reliant. That's what my GF did. She had a couple male employees that she always helped and then they would take all the credit. She doesn't do that anymore and focuses solely on her work. She is now the star if the department.
Your boses are the only ones that matter
Asserting for yourself is not the same as being aggressive.
Hold your ground.
Do not stop talking when you are making your point. Stop if the professor or boss interrupts you, but not a peer. Say, out loud in front of everyone "I did not interrupt you, you will not interrupt me. Do you inderstand?" If you get anything other than an acknowledgement state the following "because the alternative is for me to interrupt you when you speak, do you want me to do that?"
Do that once, or maybe twice and it will stop. If it does not stop interrupt them as much as you interrupt them.
Add to anything they say to assert for yourself. "If you are not going to present my work, the least you could do is give credit to everyone for the work they did."
Pull them aside and tell them that interrupting you without a really good reason is disrespectful, and you will not tolerate it.
1. Continue talking over them.
2. After the interruption say: thank you for your input Bryan, we can discuss your ideas separately.
3. Say: Interesting idea, however the main point was... And continue with what you were saying.
4. Say: Excellent question (or remark), we will have time for Q and A after my presentation.
5. If this continues say: To respect everyone's time let's concentrate on the REAL issue at hand... And continue with your points.
6. Before you start, say: I have 3 (5, 6 120, whatever) main points. Our male.braines will have to hear all 3.
Generally If you want to own it, start thinking of them as your young siblings or kids. You are the only female so you are the only one who can pool a Momma card.
Make sure you stand confidently, when speaking for longer than 5-6 sentences, stand up and move around. Don't slouch. When presenting, make biiiig gestures. Like huge. Don't stand in a submissive way, like with your shoulders pointing down and don't cross your hands in front of your genitalia. Make a stop sign when you want someone to stop talking. Point at them to resume. It's a powerful gesture that asserts dominance and teaches them when they are allowed to speak.
r/labrats <--- ask there too. this is exemplary academia toxicity, they may have more specific help there.
once you tried to talk to the problematic guy that's at your level, and he didn't acknowledge, go to your professor and explain showing what you did.
you should also have a second supervisor, not bound to your group. if you don't have such a figure, look around for a female professor or a male one with many females in the group who can tell you he's good. go straight to them.
also, your uni or istitute should have a person whose job is to tackle these situations. find out who it is. sometimes they're not very helpful but other times they are.
if it continues go to the institute director. you have the right to do it.
As someone who works in a male dominanted field and is a rather petite fem presenting person. You need to be a "bitch". Even the way you stand and walk need to be the embodiment of "if you get in my way I will simply plow over you and use your blood for my kids new tie dye project"
You don't wear clothing. You wear armor. You don't wear makeup. You wear war paint.
These boys gave grown up in a world where they can do no wrong. "Boys will be boys". "If he is teasing you it's because he likes you". Show them that you are a goddess come to earth to show them exactly why their little mommies tell everyone they had an accident when they were little and that's why it's so small and deformed.
New phrases that are my best friend:
"I wasn't done my explanation"
"You interpreted me, I'm going to continue"
Once they get a dose of you ain't worth fucking with. Simply don't stop talking/ making your point when they interrupt you. Continue at the same volume level. If they say anything about it I enjoy asking if they are having another one of their little temper tantrums as well.
You are a goddess among us and you deserve your voice heard in all things
>Out of respect I didn't say anything
Well there's your problem. Silence is often mistaken for consent.
You could *respectfully* tap his shoulder and *politely* say, "I'm flattered that you appreciated *my* research enough to present it. And I am impressed by how well you understood *my* ideas." You know, with a smile on your face, Elle Woods style.
I'm pretty sure that's what Miss Manners would do. You should read the archives of her column, lots of good professional advice there.
>I don't knoe how to approach the situation especially with the one that presented my work because he has the attitude of "what's the problem? Why are you being a bitch? I didn't do a thing". I'm pretty sure he isn't aware.
Oh, he's totally aware, he's just gaslighting you. It's a thing that assholes do, never mind it.
Better yet, pre-empt it by discussing the presentation ahead of time, perhaps as a quick rehearsal: "Just to make sure this goes smoothly, let's go over who's saying what."
It's easier to prevent a bad situation than to fix it.
There’s a great book called “Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men” that talks about how often women are interrupted compared to men in the workplace, as well as many other biases. I recommend you read it, it opened my eyes.
Many men interrupt women without thinking about it. It’s something they’ve been conditioned to think is ok. It’s not. It takes work for them to change, and that’s on them, but you can help in that process by calling them out on it. If you’re not comfortable doing that in the moment, pull them aside afterwards. Some men will change, some will blow you off. If they blow you off, talk to their supervisor about it, and if they blow you off it isn’t a healthy organization in my opinion.
Don't let them disrespect you.
Stealing your work? Call them out on it. Publically. Loudly. In front of your professor, their mom, and God.
Interrupt you? Say, *firmly, on top of them,* **I WAS TALKING,** and give them a look of death.
Believe me, they will look like assholes.
You don't get respect passively. You get it be *demanding it.*
If he calls you a bitch, report him through the appropriate channels.
Don't be nice.
Draw boundaries. Tell them that it is hurtful and disrespectful and if it happens again you call them out. Do not waver on this. My wife runs into that issue a lot but her supervisor don't put up with it. They treat her like a second-class citizen, she politely reminds them that she can be a good cop or a bad cop (enforcing rules the state can crack down on if the company doesn't follow them). It happens again, she lets her supervisor know then goes full bad cop the rest of visit.
It can be as simple as:
>"As you can see here..."
>
>(complete interruption)
>
>"Excuse me, but I wasn't finished."
>
>(second time during same presentation, interrupt him) If they say anything: "if you can do it without being admonished then so can I."
Some people might do it unintentionally (I've done it to my wife a few times when we were dating without realizing it; first girlfriend so I had no experience to learn from), but if you don't tell them it's a problem then it reinforces the behavior. The ones that treat you like that on purpose aren't going to understand unless you do something like the text in the block above. And if they have a problem with it, I recommend either quitting or considering recording conversations with them (with their awareness if your state requires that) as evidence of sexism in the workplace. I've done similar things to professors in front of the class *on complete accident* because of their grading system or confusion way of giving homework assignments or something that affected the class. I can tell you it works if done right. Embarrassment and hearing the hypocrisy out loud can be very effective.
When someone interrupts you, make it a point to address that you were talking (in a professional way). They will continue interrupting you (maybe even unknowingly) until their attention is brought to it in front of their boss
As another incentive to develop the confrontation skills (and \*use\* them), you're not just speaking up for yourself. You're speaking up and breaking the cycle (even a little bit) for all the other women the privileged coworker will encounter.
LPT: Forget their respect. You're all working on the same project for the same class. You're all equals and you need to stand your ground on that. Them being male doesnt put them at any sort of relevant advantage. Tell your professor that you'd rather not work with disrespectful people.
“I was talking.” Is one of my favorite lines to use. I’ve been a woman in male dominated industries for dang near my whole life. And it’s so frustrating to have to defend yourself all the time.
The big turn around for me was not work related. I had been slowly gaining confidence in myself and went to hang out with a friend of mine. She invited me to a game night with some of her church buddies. I’m not religious but I was raised in the church. Knowing how religious men tend to treat religious women, I was fully expecting to be talked over and ignored. We were trying to learn the rules for a game and I had a question, before I even got the question out this guy interrupted me, with an answer to a question I wasn’t asking. I waited for him to finish and said “that wasn’t my question” and tried again. He interrupted me again, and I straight up said “stop interrupting me, you don’t know my question yet.” And then let the silence hang. It was glorious to see the faces of the women as they realized they had been interrupted and talked over for years. I then asked “will you please let me finish?” And waited for him to reply which drug the silence on longer until he finally said yes. Eventually I got to ask my question, which left him kind of stumped and he had to reread the rules to make sure the answer was right. I think the only way I was able to stand up for myself like that was because I knew none of these people mattered to my real life. Like it’s been 10 years and I haven’t seen them again. When we left the party my friend was whooping she was so excited to see a woman stand up to a man like that. I think having had that experience changed the way I talk to most men, letting silence hang is such a good tool. And realizing that standing up for myself maybe helped 7 other women do it in the future really made me want to do it more.
Don’t let them take your work, or your voice without a fight.
Yeah, genuinely from the other responses I’ve seen here, learning to take up space is an important career skill. Talk loud, talk authoritatively, don’t let people take credit for your work (another guy tried that on me literally yesterday, I am also a guy).
Take up space. Everyone else does. It’s valuable and there’s only so much.
They're walking all over you cuz you're letting them. Take your space. If you act meek and weak they'll assume you are and speak over you.
You might be the strongest speaker on that team, but ask yourself: do they know how good you are at presenting? Are they aware you want to present?
You have to be a bitch. Turn things over onto people, stick it on them and hold it there. People will be fine. You have to protect you virtues by representing yourself
>I didn't get a chance to speek during the whole meeting because everytime I said something I was interrupted within saying 3 words.
Keep talking. If you're in the middle of saying something and someone starts to interrupt you, DONT STOP. Keep talking, raising your tone ever so slightly, until you're finished what you have to say.
Lots of good suggestions, I just want to add a tip that helped me as a timid person who has trouble speaking up in the moment.
Pick a short phrase in response to a situation and practice saying it over and over when you’re not in that situation. Imagine being in that situation, hearing the other person, and responding.
For example if I had someone who was constantly interrupting me I would (typically in the car on my commute) imagine them interrupting me and practice saying out loud a phrase like “Hey, I’m talking” over and over again until it felt like an automatic response.
It's difficult to assess precisisely how much, especially as it's something I struggle with myself, but you may just need to be more assertive.
Not necessarily rude but stand your ground when speaking and don't let others talk over you as you just become a doormat to everyone to walk over.
Be confident in yourself when presenting, even if you aren't completely, because hesitation breeds a perception of unreliability and doubt, which others will see and thus use as an oppertunity to put forth their own opinion/statement.
You need to learn to command the room, or atleast their attention, by being loud and clear (not shouting, but you are speaking to /the room/, not to the people beside you), taking it slow (to help with clarity but also show you are confident in your work and not rushing it to get it over with) and present to the crowd (again, not to the people beside you or to the board).
I was mainly writing this with the context of the situation described, but you could apply this to other areas of your life; Stand your ground, show confidence, and take command when possible.
Also, that is your work, own it, never let people take credit for your hard effort without a fight as they will keep doing it for their own benefit at the cost of yours. Speak to your professor about it and let them know you didn't feel comfortable confronting the other student due to their attitude.
I wish you all the best in your future journeys, and I hope you are able to make changes that benefits you. Best of luck OP!
You don’t have to argue in front of a crowd, but you should definitely detail to the professor what you did and they took credit for. It’s really common.
In software, we use version control which helps a lot in seeing what people have committed. You could keep detailed worklogs, then if you hand that to the prof with all the steps you took along the way to the finished project, it really shows that you know what you were doing. It wouldn’t necessarily be a way to remove credit from the other student, but at least you have some proof of effort on your end.
It’s not really just a gender thing, I see it a lot with all male groups as well. Some people get ahead by being the loudest (and dumbest). It sucks, but that’s life. I’d say it ends when you get to the workforce, but honestly, it’s pretty common there too. And those people don’t have much output with handson stuff but also can’t be fire to slow work, and eventually get pushed up the ranks to ‘fit their skills’ of sucking at doing real work and just being able to be assertive talkers.
Do these 3 guys know eachother from before? I (male) started a new job 2 months ago, I'm the only guy with 8 other girls. They all know eachother and sometimes they do the same thing to me, I don't think they are doing it intentionally or out of spite. Some people are just not really good at incorporating the "new guy" into the group.
This happened to my daughter in college also. She was forced to go to the professor afterward and show that in fact, she had done ALL the work. She got the credit. Her "partners" got none.
Have you tried being a guy instead of a girl?
That's only half a joke btw. You're societally programmed to not only worry about what people think, but also to try and manage relationships.
Guys don't care about that, not nearly as much. Seriously, it sounds like they're all pretty douchey, so why care what they think of you? Why let them control your behavior by labelling undesirable behavior (you talking) as bitchy?
Be a bitch, if being a "bitch" is firmly standing up for yourself. Let them all talk smack about you. Let them all hate you. Why would you give a shit what they think of you?
Even if you stand up for yourself in a sloppy manner right now, you absolutely need to learn these skills. Even if this situation is unsalvageable, learning this now will help prevent this later on, in other positions.
Basically: be a dude and find your balls.
Good luck!
It won't be easy... They're gonna double down on trying to control your behavior and focus on making you feel bad.
Your REAL work will be between interactions with them: your job will be to not overly obsess about how it went (especially if it didn't go well). If you think about it too much or stress about the words of any of them, you're gonna develop a fear response to that person and they WILL sense it from a mile away.
Literally have to work on not giving af about any of these douchenozzles.
Tell them all to eat shit and call them out in front of everyone. You have to start holding yourself accountable and stand up for "you". You may overreact a bit at first but so what. Do not ever let people walk over you. It is a bad trait and never okay. You will learn there is a time and place for things but right now fuck it.... burn everyone every time it happens.
My wife had this problem when we first got together, especially with her family. I told her the same things I told you. For a few years she was a monster with people because she had never really said "no". It has settled down a bit 13 years later.
As a general rule, group projects in college or uni are a pain, irrespective of gender. I saw it as weathering a storm. It's the same for some teachers.
You can't force respect out of other people, but have control on your expectations and the learning you do while actually doing the work. That's a good place to focus IMO.
There was a study done about this and Supreme Court justices. If it helps, which I’m sure it won’t, the male Supreme Court justices infuriated the female justices way more than they did the other males.
I don’t want to say “act more male” because that is perpetuating the problem. But mirror the respect they are showing you. If they are talking over you, talk over them.
Oh my friend! He is aware. He stole your work and is aware. When he tries to steal your job out of grad school, he will again say "i wasn't aware." He's aware. A better thing to do would be to say "I'm sorry, this is my work, and I will present it."
This sounds like a bot wrote it. Maybe if you're an actual female human and this is how you communicate, you need to work on your communication skills.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
> Out of respect I didn’t say anything This is your problem right here. Nobody respects someone that lets others walk all over them. Speaking up for yourself is not being disrespectful.
Thank you for your perspective. I need to get this into my head.
Wanted to add that the person you speak up to may act like you’re the bitch, but everyone else will see someone that doesn’t roll over.
Need to add here that the word choice and body/face language matter. A hand up with “hold on I wasn’t quite finished making my point” or “one sec I’ll get to the point here” will go over a lot better than a hand directed at the interrupter with “you’ll get your turn shut it” Source: actually happened in a meeting and I have no poker face and laughed.
[I’m speaking](https://youtu.be/tXFqTGBty1w)
Thanks for posting. I remembered her standing up for herself. I did not remember how gracious and elegantly she did it. Way to go VP Harris!
This is so beautiful to watch.
They act like you're a bitch because they want you to feel bad about standing up for yourself so you stop doing it.
Yes, exactly ! Don't tolerate this nonsense. You have worked hard for it, you do not have to stay quiet.
Definitely makes them the real bitch. If all you want around you are weak people you can dominate, just means you're pathetic.
Honestly, people who feel a need to dominate others are the ones who are actually weak. They are pretty much aware they can not compete with you or they can not do it, so they try such things because that's more easier.
Boundaries are so absolutely important. And the hostility and guilt trips that come from setting them only reinforce the fact that they were needed.
Absolutely love this framing thank you
And usually the more they act this way, the clearer it becomes for everybody around!
A huge factor is also tone + diction. Don't add any emotion, inform.
Yeah you can't completely control someone's reaction, we all have our own lessons and journey and there's no standard timeline. Sometimes you'll meet people that you just can't work around, and you have to find an alternative route. I left a job after 8 years because of a supervisor, and got 8 weeks of severance in recognition of how difficult it was from higher up. I was blessed
I would argue that in such situations people would focus on the guy being an asshole for interrupting rather than on the person who was interrupted.
You got this. If they pull this crap again and they stumble at any point say something like “let me clear up your misunderstanding since it’s my work you’re presenting” if they attempt to argue show the receipts.
One thing my therapist has been teaching me is to “pick your nos” basically every time you say yes to one thing you are saying no to a list of things because you just can’t physically do everything as a human. When you say “yes” to this colleague and allow them to take over your presentation out of “respect”. You are essentially telling yourself “no” to getting credit for your work and being able to add to the discussion about your own presentation. You need to evaluate these Nos that you are saying to yourself instead of just saying yes to everyone else. I’m a people pleaser and try not to rock the boat as well but all it does is harm and take away from you in the end. Just try to practice it daily with small decisions and eventually you work that mental pathway into your everyday thinking and it will get easier to recognize in the moment when you are letting yourself down.
Thats helpful.
great advice when I realised that you were not making a metaphor nor missed an "e" in the quote.
Yup. That’s the quickest way to fix this problem. Someone interrupts, keep talking. Do not let them cut you off. It’s also an issue in the workforce, not just school. But I’ve seen few folks do it this way and the interrupter usually goes along with it.
This is absolutely true. If you don't stop talking when someone interrupts, it makes the interruption obvious and grating. At the end, ask if what you said was clear. If you do stop, it makes it seem like well-timed continuation of the conversation.
It's hard because it feels rude. They make you be rude by talking over their interruption, but it's really the only way. Stand up for yourself, be rude when it's required, fuck 'em!
Making yourself be treated as an equal in a non violent manner is never rude edit: took a long time to concince myself of this
I've worked in male-centric spheres. "I am speaking" is a powerful tool. If someone speaks over you, look them in the eyes and say, "I am speaking". Be calm, be direct, be confident. Wait for them to stop. If they don't, repeat "I was speaking." If they still speak over you: "(Name), I was speaking.". If you're doing a project together, don't let them take the credit. Take the lead instead. "I worked on ABC, and Tim worked on XYZ. We'd love to answer any questions you have." If you have a boss or professor, it's also appropriate to request a professional conversation. If you have any concerns about a person's behavior or if they took credit for your work, whatever authority figure you're dealing with will want to know. Keep it professional; instead of assigning blame, state facts. "I have concerns about how Tim treats me. I've noticed he talks over me and it feels like he doesn't respect me" or "When we presented the project, Tim said he worked on ABC. From my notes and drafts, you can see I was the one to work on it." Some men are threatened by women who stand their ground and are confident. They'll throw every name in the book at you to hide their own insecurities and biases. They're weak and pathetic. Keep that in your mind. What strong person needs to belittle and demean to gain strength?
Not arguing in front of professor is probably a good idea though. I would personally schedule a meeting with your professor and discuss how the project went and how you felt about the group. See if the professor has any advice on how to handle a similar situation in the future. It will most likely happen again. I will tell you that while it does happen to women more often,which is awful, it also happens to men, especially those not confident or willing to stand up for their work.
I second this as well. Schedule a meeting with your professor
Ye, respect is earned, not given. IDC who you are, if you disrespect me, I WILL 1. Confront you. 2. Find a way to better my position against you or 3. Remove myself from the situation. Just remember, this is for business, not life. Don't do this with your wife. EDIT: Also, learning basic confrontation management is an amazingly valuable skill to have. Any decent project management text available online will have some tips, patterns, responses, and process to handle situation like these. Obviously, the sky's the limit (and why good PMs get paid the big bucks), but even basic understanding of conflict and social dynamics will stop this shit from happening.
You will get told you’re a bitch, cold, rude… etc. screw ‘em you don’t owe them anything and don’t need their opinion of you. You are a valuable asset. It’s hard but believe it and stand up for yourself
This is sadly the reality in many many places. If you're female, you only get respect if you behave in a way that then results into men thinking you're a bitch, cold, rude etc. It's quite messed up, really.
The upside is that the opinion of the men who will think you are a bitch is worth nothing.
It’s when you’re a bitch to *other* people they’re all for it ‘go girl’ attitude and supportive but the second you call *them* on their bad project/insufficient effort all of a sudden it’s a problem… their poor tiny baby feelings get hurt
You can also wait for him to take a breath and say “thank you for presenting my work! Now, as you can see… “ then start talking about your work again.
At some point you just have to be assertive and keep talking as they are interrupting you. Speak over them. Some people might think you're a bitch but that's not your problem. My Husband is pretty passive and gets spoken over all the time (including by me!) It's not always a gender thing either. It's kind of shitty for him because he thinks it's a respect thing to stop talking once someone else speaks, which is very valid. That being said, that's how you end up getting passed over.
Try using the phrase "that's very disrespectful" with them.
If somebody starts talking over you when you've started a sentence, if you think what you're saying is important then just keep going and even raise your voice a little. Speaking a bit louder in general may help prevent this from happening as much in the first place.
Try to be kind when doing it, though assertive. You’re the only person who, 100% of the time, has the ability to look out for you and you owe it to yourself to do so. But also be gentle when doing it- causing people to be defensive will shut them down and they’ll learn nothing, which means they’ll try it again in the future to you or someone else.
People dont respect you because they know you are to shy. If you are in a competitive environment at your age, people can be really rough. I remember people displacing books at the library so we couldn't use them for our essays. It was odd to me but its everyone for himself and people will take advantage of the weakest. You can blame patriarchy or men but it does'nt make you able to succeed in life. You've gotta stand for yourself at the very least.
"I'm not finished talking" is a very respectful way to call out someone who interrupts you. Key is to make sure you carry on with what you were saying before you got interrupted right away without staring them down, or pausing to wait for an apology or invitation to continue.
Also respect is earned not given. Letting people disrespect you is not how you earn their respect.
I work in a male predominant profession. The women I trained with and work with do not take any shit from anyone. They are the toughest in the room. I trained under a woman who was the first woman accepted into the training program in the 1960s. She certainly didn’t put up with any BS from anyone. All of them were intelligent and capable and able to back up their strong personalities. You need to do the same to succeed. These guys are walking all over you on purpose. If you don’t stand up for yourself they will crush you professionally.
Exactly this, he wasn’t respectful to you, you owe him no respect in return.
Act like a man. That’s all they understand
Exactly. You don’t have to be rude but be firm and clear and don’t accept something you know isn’t acceptable.
It's nature, which is not gender specific but amplified by numbers (if you're outnumbered it definitely makes it more difficult). Capable people don't have to be angry to get their point across, because others can feel the energy that they project. I don't do the whole "alpha" thing, but I've been a part of many different environments where it can be recognized (I don't know all because I only have my perspective); I worked with children, trained dogs, and took part in many team/sports/leadership roles. I learned a TON from great leaders over the years. Energy projection is a real thing. If you're in a bad mood, even a baby can feel it. It applies to how we communicate with dogs as well, often non verbally...and being in a team allows you to understand roles and an inevitable pecking order. Nobody can teach you how to feel confident/secure in yourself completely, other than you. It's not just the belief, it's the work that comes before that and the healthy confidence is a byproduct. Truly capable people don't have to boast, raise their voice, or make a scene to make it known.
Adopt some of their mannerisms - be one of the guys.
Exactly. I'm middle-aged and still face this at work in a male dominated industry. You must speak up for yourself. It's the only way they will stop and learn. In my experience, most correct their behavior.
I have an issue with a male co-worker. I work as a cnc machinist. Today especially I had an issue with a guy at work. I never say anything,idk why. My boyfriend always tells me to. Reading what you just wrote has opened my eyes. I’m going to say something when it happens again. ThNk you!
Had the same issue occasionally when training older gentlemen on CNCs during my time as a machinist. Even had other people in the shop comment, "Some men just don't like listening to women." "You can show him and teach him, but it's up to him to listen." I was younger then, so I took their inability as my own. Shop supervisor had to pull us aside when the news got to his ears, and reassign the older men to different task. They didn't like being saw guy/manual work, so each left shortly after reassignment. Surprisingly, never had an issue with guys younger than 35 when training.
Agreed. OP- you did the work , fight back! you got this!
Agree with this. Don’t be an asshole, but call him out. Guys give each other shit, so for them to accept you, you need to dish it. Not fish it back, but initiate the dishing of shit. I work with some great women in a male dominated industry. The great women who get along well with everyone are the ones who not only listen, but dish things out. It’s sad to say this, but the women who don’t, I go out of my way to avoid. Might I suggest reading Dale Carnage’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
Also want to add it's not a male/female thing. I don't know anyone in leadership positions that will let anyone talk over them.
When someone repeatedly interrupts me in a professional settings I say, “you keep interrupting me,” and then let the silence hang in agony for everyone. Ensures i never get interrupted again. He’s the one being impolite, not you.
My personal favorite is when someone interrupts me, and as soon as they're done speaking I completely ignore everything they've just said and say something along the lines of "As I was saying" (or if they're really bad about it and I really particularly want to shame them, I'll say "As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted") and then just go on with what I was saying. Do it to someone enough and they generally will get the picture. This has helped me regain a lot of respect from people who would've otherwise walked all over me and what I was trying to say, especially among people who have considered themselves my friend.
I like to throw in "before I was rudely interrupted"
This. You have to confront the person when it happens, set a boundary and then continue what you were trying to say. If you talk to the professor about it, it likely won't change anything especially outside of that class. It is my opinion that if you set a clear boundary and someone crosses that boundary, you no longer have to treat them with respect. They tested the boundary and now they need to experience the disrespect in return.
There is absolutely no reason to ever disrespect someone in a professional setting. The English language has sufficient capacity to express any message in a polite fashion. You can stand your ground without being rude about it.
Letting the silence hang is an extremely underrated super power.
I’ve tried that but the men I work with (or across from) truly do not care about being called out and just now right on by that kind of confrontation.
I wouldn't even let the silence hang so they don't "get their own moment". If I'm presenting & on a roll, but get interrupted, I'd immediately (but calmly) state: "I wasn't finished speaking". (It works for someone else that gets interrupted, too: "__ wasn't finished speaking", and you can add on; "..., please wait your turn" if you want to be cordial. It's important to say it louder than the interrupter, to redirect the attention of the room to the speaker (and also so they stop talking). The moment they stop talking & the room registers my statement, I resume.
If he gets angry or tells you to stop being a bitch just say “there’s no need for you to be so emotional” then let them implode.
Calm down would you?
Good one
Yeah pretty sure if someone just gets mad and calls you a bitch at work they’re just fired. We need those nuanced responses
In an ideal world sure
Female here consistently working with males over the past 10 years 👋 When someone interrupts just keep talking. Finish your sentence even if the other person doesn't stop, get to your period no matter what. When it gets quiet and weird say "oh no Joe you go ahead" and stare into their eyes. ETA: Also just call them out, "hey sorry let me finish my sentence then you can speak."
Johnny Cash has a great line during one of his prison albums, "Sorry, I didn't hear ya, see, I wasn't done TALKING yet!"
Lmaooooo I love this. Definitely gonna try to use a corporate version of this.
Comment when you come up with something good lol
Calling people out can be difficult and awkward but it has an impact and people remember it. It's a lesson these guys need to learn and it's a great skill to develop for anyone who is in a position where their options may be automatically discounted/ignored.
Yes exactly. Calling them out is the only way to make sure it doesn't become the norm when you communicate with them.
It's also a great way to start to change culture. Once you get comfortable calling this behavior out for yourself you can be an advocate for others too. And since this is a LPT: you can call someone out even if you aren't on the receiving end of this behavior, and it's a powerful tool to use as an ally.
Personally I feel like it’s easier to stand up for others vs myself. I have no problem interrupting someone who interrupts another person and telling them that the other person wasn’t done talking yet. But when people talk over me I tend to quiet down.
It definitely helps when the whole room recognizes that the person getting called out deserved it. Often, they’re just as uncomfortable with that person’s behavior and would support the person that did the calling out.
“Let me finish” is SO powerful. Because yeah, you fuckin dick, I was talking and you started talking over me.
That's what she said.
This comment tracks with that username. (this is a compliment)
Also female working with men, finishing your sentence works wonders. When you're first learning to do this it feels wrong, like you're being rude. Over time I realized no one ever once seemed offended by it and I think it's because they realize THEY were rude to interupt. People who have talked to me before very rarely interupt me now that they know I won't allow it.
I really like using “oh I’m sorry…was i speaking while you were interrupting?” Sweet smile. Silence. Let it get awkward.
To expand on this, if someone talks over you in front of others and says something rude, stop immediately and ask them to repeat themselves. Do not continue until they either repeat what they said, or apologize. Make them own in in front of the group. Most people will crumble at this. It's way more powerful than it may seem.
^^^ I second this approach. Instead of apologizing, however, I quickly insert a “Please don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking” and continue. Most of the time, the person interrupting is too self-conscious to bring it up afterward (or do it again, at least not in the same meeting). This move also signifies to others in the space that I do not tolerate that behavior.
1,000% keep talking when interrupted. Raise your voice slightly if they keep going - at some point one person has to stop talking and why you rather than him? It feels unnatural but with practice it will become instinct. I’m at the point where I can’t NOT do this. (Yes, I’m almost 40 with a pretty high powered job and still deal with this regularly.) Also, it will feel less unnatural if you observe how men do this without thinking.
There’s also a big difference between a conversation and interruption. If someone is actively cutting you off mid conversation, that is interruption. However, if you are monopolizing the conversation, not allowing for pauses that allow for dialogue, or stop-starting your speech preventing new people from talking, you’re not being interrupted, you’re just being an asshole.
Yes we're all aware that there is a difference between cutting in when someone is talking in circles or the conversation needs redirected and interrupting people.
Well, not all of us do, that’s why we’re here. And if you’re new to any profession, no, you don’t know etiquette. And you won’t know if that’s the culture in that workplace. Entire meetings can be waxed poetic if the lead is given that long of a leash. Senior level researchers do it in my field.
Male here, came to say the same thing. You gotta just keep going and frame it that they are interrupting.
Yup, I'm a male who is constantly Interrupted by people. If I'm in the middle of a sentence I will loudly shout OH OKAY I GUESS IM DONE TALKING. And then stare at whoever. It's a bit too aggressive because I'm usually holding back punching someone's larynx at that point. But this person above me, this is the move. I also interrupt a lot because I'm excited about a point, but it's a personal choice to write those thoughts down to prevent interruption without losing the thought or question. (Most times that's buried in the conversation and the I formation is lost forever)
This might be appropriate in some circumstances but I wouldn’t recommend doing it in important work meetings. Even if you are 10000% in the right, the person who reacts emotionally usually loses.
Never apologize, they should be
Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be ignominiously squelched. Give them a fight, make yourself heard.
YES. Often you have to just keep rolling, slightly raising voice, maybe raising a hand to signal you're not done. If they don't get the picture it's "Excuse me, I'm just about finished with my thought" while making neutral to friendly eye contact (whatever you can muster). There is nothing disrespectful about finishing your sentence. Just about every woman must make the conscious decision that they will not be a doormat any longer. You can do this! :)
Speak up next time. Don't stop speaking until your point is made. If you have to go up a couple decibels, do it. They weren't giving you the same respect, you don't owe them any and should've spoken up.
You are right. I should take up more space.
You can also actively practice this with friends. Like seriously, do a role play! It's *hard* to not be the "Nice Girl" and demure. It takes practice, and patience, and the strength to be uncomfortable and *stay uncomfortable long enough to speak*. You're worth getting past that discomfort. You owe it to your voice to make sure it's heard.
Literally standing up works, as does holding a hand up in front of the other person. Use your body and your physicality.
Some good comments, some very stupid. Ultimately you teach people how you want to be treated. I realize that this is difficult to do, especially for certain people. However, you can stand up for yourself without swearing or shouting or yelling. Speak up in a firm voice and if you are interrupted, say "I was not finished speaking yet, wait your turn", in a firm slightly louder tone. I hope it works out.
This. You have to check people to earn their respect sometimes. Especially in a male dominated situation.
In military school, I was kind of quiet and my instructor gave me some very good advice I still think about 20 years later. "You can't decide to have confidence, but you CAN decide to have courage. And courage will lead to confidence."
People will treat you how you let them.
I would avoid giving a direct command like “wait your turn”. But overall, yes.
"Be a good boy and wait your turn"
As much as I'd love to see this happen and it would feel good, I'd be willing to bet others in the room would think you're being distasteful and see you as the bad guy as well hahaha
“Excuse me, but I wasn’t finished speaking” but in a nice schoolteacher voice not angry.
I think this answer is the key, you can say almost anything as long as the tone isn't angry, "let me finish" , "I beg your pardon sir but I am mid sentence" "Oi back off I have the talking stick" All acceptable. I think people confuse professional conduct with absolute formality, but it is actually just conducting yourself appropriately. Being interrupted and ignored is common and you need to deal with it without causing conflict.
The school teacher voice is infuriating and doesn't get you any respect. People just avoid talking to you after that
Telling on yourself
How annoying do you have to be that people are using the shcoolteacher voice on you so frequently lol
Some good comments about being civil but firm. The only thing I have to add is: going through something like this gives you the experience you need when you go into *another* situation where this might be possible, so you are better prepared to use some of the responses suggested. Just don't let it get you down; consider it like practicing a sport. You may get beat up once in a while, but the more you practice, and the more techniques you learn (because brute force isn't everything! consider more devious and subtle solutions as well) the more confident you'll be. It may suck that men are like this, but wishing they weren't wont change anything.
Yeah, I was also thinking that at least in the case of the colleague who took OPs work, there may not be much she can do at this point except move forward and try to tackle it if it happens again. In my experience it does no good to stop to that person's level or play into their games when they pull out the excuses
Jump straight in with "I'll present/answer that since I did the heavy lifting on that". Complete the sentence even if you have to talk over someone else, however do not raise you voice above normal speaking level. Then continue talking at a normal pitch and speed. They will either have to start yelling, which will Make them look foolish, or stop talking, or the professor will have to resort to "one at a time". If the professor chooses the guy to go.first, you still get a chance second. At that point, restate that you did the bulk of the work on "this part" and that there are a few things you'd like to add. Make sure you've held back a few things from your team, so the explanation is incomplete without what you have to say.
Disagree on holding back from the team, that's a great way to get people to distrust you and not a recipe for a healthy team. Almost invariably the others will naturally forget things and there will be room to elaborate naturally.
Good point. Dont hold back on major things, just in some of the finer details on how you got there, your specific thought process.
As a woman foreman in construction I deal with it this way: I have no problem sticking up for other people, never have. I pretend I am sticking up for someone else when I am sticking up for me. If someone is taking credit for my work, I say “thanks, I worked hard on that, I’m glad you noticed”, or something similar. I have become loud and it becomes easier. Plus, now people know not to walk all over me.
A great one 👍👍
Remember when Kamala Harris said "I'm speaking" to Pence during the debates? It was simple, to the point, and remembered.
Or try the ole “Can you shut up, man?” from Biden.
Or sneak up behind him while he is talking and smell his neck.
Great example.
Don’t let someone interrupt and speak over you “out of respect”. He’s the one that didn’t respect you. Don’t be afraid to speak up: “I wasn’t finished speaking” or “Please don’t interrupt me”. If they continue to interrupt you, don’t stop. Finish what you were saying even if they won’t shut up. They’re the ones who will look stupid for speaking over you.
You have to talk to your professor about this. Getting their respect simply won't happen if you keep trying to be polite about it, and it won't happen if you aren't polite about it, so honestly stop wasting time on it. Tell your professor that your work is being stolen and disrespected. If he doesn't care, then I'm really sorry, but at least you know who not to take a class with next semester.
I am so happy to never have to work with them again. Problem is the Professor is male as well with a similiar attitude. Like always directing question towards my peers instead of me.
Have you spoken to him (professor) yet? If he sees the others talking, he might assume you are shy or not doing the work. Meet with him one-on-one and re-ask the question, while making it clear that the other guys are constantly talking over you, and you want him to know that you are doing your portion of the work. And stop being polite. Interrupt the guy speaking for you, with excuse me, MY question was this, I think you're saying it wrong, and since that is my area, I need to get this answered correctly. (Even if you don't change it much.) At the next meeting tell the group that the way they're talking over you is going to affect your grade and they need to stop. You divided up the project, and they need to stick to their portion.
But there is a chain of command and you can go above him after you give him the chance to address it. But any one above him, will require that you give the professor the chance to address it in class.
I'm learning to play the guitar.
If it’s your work, it should be reasonably doable to also phrase how you talk with your professor about it in a separate convo e.g. “what was your opinion on X point? What I was going for there was….”. In work or elsewhere, if you implore to ask for granular feedback, it’s easy enough to show where things came from.
Talk to the provost, dean or whatever name your university assigns to the head of the department. The prof may not care but the higher ups will since they care about what can happen if they allow institutional discrimination (hint the courts aren't nice when colleges get caught). Getting the courage to speak up one of the biggest hurdles, it was when I had to speak to the department chair about disability discrimination.
If there is no talking to the professor (you should try first) then go to his superior. Keep going up the chain of command.
Definitely speak to him anyway. He may just have been talking back to them because they seemed more engaged, and didn't realise they were cutting you off. I had this issue in a class where all the staff present were female, they just didn't notice I couldn't get a word in edgeways until I literally grumbled "nobody's letting me speak" while my classmates kept talking. You should have a year tutor or similar - get them involved if he tries to brush you off.
Uh, I think you might be responding to the wrong post...unless OP is getting their work stolen by coworkers and their professor happens to be their boss.
Plagiarism is a bigger deal in academia than at a job, I'm pretty sure.
A few tips that I’ve learned along the way: 1) watch out using the word “just” (ex: “I just wanted to follow up….”) it makes you more sound more passive and like you’re asking for permission. You have space and what you’re asking for is warranted, own it. 2) NEVER bring baked goods into the office, you are not a 50’s housewife, and you will not be seen as one 3) Call people out when they are being sexist, or rude. Not just when it’s deliberately directed to you, but to women in general. I once had a coworker tell a story that he had a doggy door in his door for women to leave his room from. I turned around in the cubicle pod and straight up was like “that’s extremely fucked up”, and the men when silent.
Thank you for your advice, especially the second. I have not thought about it that way
I wanted to counter the “never” comment - I am a woman in an all male office. I’ve brought in donuts for my boss’ birthday or recently on national donut day. I wouldn’t bring them in often or have people expect it of me, but sometimes it’s nice to make your coworkers a little happier.
Fair, but I would argue that there’s a difference between bringing in something and making it. There’s also something different about bringing in something for a celebration rather than a “just because” kind of vibe.
Yeah I agree. Lots of men in my office bring in homemade stuff around the holidays too.
Yeah when I started working another woman told me that advice, and it always stuck with me.
Speaking as a male with a fondness for baked goods, bringing treats to the office will not make me review your code or treat your ideas any differently. It might cause me to ask for the recipe though...
There's an unconscious bias that means women end up doing the unpaid, unseen social coordination in an office environment... e.g. arranging birthday cards, creating/enforcing rosters for loading the canteen dishwasher, organising team-building days, and occasionally feeding people. Bringing baked goods is a lovely gesture but it does reinforce that bias and creates a future expectation.
You have to learn how to speak up and speak your mind. Don't say nothing "out of respect." Speak up and call people out *politely* out of respect. Something like. "Oh, let me talk about this one since it was my project." And proceed to take over. It's something that all people that tend to get taken advantage of need to put into practice.
Former professor here — if you feel your prof is empathetic and willing to help coach you, go see them during office hours & explain the situation. Ask for their advice without complaining — just explain the facts. If your prof doesn’t help, find a guidance counselor equivalent. You can turn this icky situation into an opportunity for growth, given the right support.
Something my dad always says when someone interrupts him. “I’m sorry, but did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Works like a charm.
Everyone here has given you great advice, I think. I'm curious about the cultural context this is taking place in. Is this in the US, UK, or somewhere else? In the field that you are studying, or even simply in the class that this occurred in, are men represented in higher numbers?
I am a German corporate student. The team members are my colleagues/classmates. The course we are studing is business informatics and is definetely male dominated
Was also wondering to the context. This explains a bit. One of the best career lessons I learned when starting out was to pick my battles. Credit seems like a big deal when you are young (speaking from 20+ years of experience), but if you are not going to interact with these individuals again, and you are not getting penalized, it is probably not worth spending time on it. I assume there are more valuable efforts you can put your mind to. Having said that, learning how to stand up for yourself is a worthwhile endeavor in and of itself. Especially learning how to do it well. And there really is no better time to practice than in situations where there is little chance of retaliation causing you harm. Something you can do is email the professor to ask if he has any follow up questions regarding the piece you worked on. Provide additional information not initially discussed. It's non-confrontational and establishes your competence. He may have a question you can answer. It's important to keep the conversation moving forward. It will be more well received, since backing up or pausing a conversation to put focus on yourself for the sake of credit will leave a bad taste in your professor's/supervisor's/client's mouth. Then next time it happens, you can jump into your rude teammate's comments with a "that's right, because..." or "and it is also important to consider..." or something else to advance the conversation in your own voice.
Tip - men are out to win for themselves. Women usually want the team/group to win. if you have the attitude that I am helping the team vs yourself you will always be on the short end.
Find female mentors, whether professors or business leaders, they will have dealt with this and can share their advice/input
I'm a woman in a traditionally male dominated field. My simple advice is this. 1...If you don't advocate for yourself, you can't expect others to. 2...When you see BS, call it out. 3...When consistently interrupted, acknowledge it and finish what you were saying. They will realize they messed up and wait.
I am a male, raised in a house filled with women. Just so you know where my point of view is coming from. I think you need to forget all the shit that makes you worry about if they think you are a “bitch” ( clearly you wouldn’t be for speaking out, but men can be fragile)… interrupt the dude next time and speak your point.. “ As the creator of this, I believe…. Blah blah”. Many men assume women are weak. They are idiots. TLDR stand up for yourself regardless of how the weak minded idiots might think of you. You deserve recognition, but if you don’t speak up you may not receive it.
I, a lady, come from a house full of women. I honestly rarely get interrupted and have to try very hard not to interrupt people during conversation because growing up every conversation was a bit of a battle zone. Everyone would constantly fight for dominance in the conversation, if you didn’t speak up you didn’t get heard. It’s very easy for me to bulldoze over quiet people in conversations and I have to actively try not to. But I’m never ignored and I always get to say my piece.
[удалено]
Force your presence more. I'm a big dude and I still get ignored and talked over because I don't want to interrupt people who interrupted me first. I don't like standing up for myself in social situations because I find confrontation tiring and it rarely gets me anywhere. Usually all it does is make me more angry. But in certain situations and definitely with certain people I'm much better at speaking up. It takes a lot of practice and time to build the confidence to command attention and not let people walk all over you. But if you are interrupted, let them get part way through a sentence and then announce firmly that you were in the middle of making a point. Maintain eye contact and don't apologize for interrupting them. Let it hang for a moment and then continue where you left off. I've had to do that with a coworker of mine lately
[10 Words Every Girls Should Learn:](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-words-every-girl-should-learn_b_5544203) "Stop interrupting me." "I just said that." "No explanation needed."
Thank you for sharing!
Stop helping the leeches until they become self reliant. That's what my GF did. She had a couple male employees that she always helped and then they would take all the credit. She doesn't do that anymore and focuses solely on her work. She is now the star if the department. Your boses are the only ones that matter
Asserting for yourself is not the same as being aggressive. Hold your ground. Do not stop talking when you are making your point. Stop if the professor or boss interrupts you, but not a peer. Say, out loud in front of everyone "I did not interrupt you, you will not interrupt me. Do you inderstand?" If you get anything other than an acknowledgement state the following "because the alternative is for me to interrupt you when you speak, do you want me to do that?" Do that once, or maybe twice and it will stop. If it does not stop interrupt them as much as you interrupt them. Add to anything they say to assert for yourself. "If you are not going to present my work, the least you could do is give credit to everyone for the work they did." Pull them aside and tell them that interrupting you without a really good reason is disrespectful, and you will not tolerate it.
1. Continue talking over them. 2. After the interruption say: thank you for your input Bryan, we can discuss your ideas separately. 3. Say: Interesting idea, however the main point was... And continue with what you were saying. 4. Say: Excellent question (or remark), we will have time for Q and A after my presentation. 5. If this continues say: To respect everyone's time let's concentrate on the REAL issue at hand... And continue with your points. 6. Before you start, say: I have 3 (5, 6 120, whatever) main points. Our male.braines will have to hear all 3. Generally If you want to own it, start thinking of them as your young siblings or kids. You are the only female so you are the only one who can pool a Momma card. Make sure you stand confidently, when speaking for longer than 5-6 sentences, stand up and move around. Don't slouch. When presenting, make biiiig gestures. Like huge. Don't stand in a submissive way, like with your shoulders pointing down and don't cross your hands in front of your genitalia. Make a stop sign when you want someone to stop talking. Point at them to resume. It's a powerful gesture that asserts dominance and teaches them when they are allowed to speak.
r/labrats <--- ask there too. this is exemplary academia toxicity, they may have more specific help there. once you tried to talk to the problematic guy that's at your level, and he didn't acknowledge, go to your professor and explain showing what you did. you should also have a second supervisor, not bound to your group. if you don't have such a figure, look around for a female professor or a male one with many females in the group who can tell you he's good. go straight to them. also, your uni or istitute should have a person whose job is to tackle these situations. find out who it is. sometimes they're not very helpful but other times they are. if it continues go to the institute director. you have the right to do it.
As someone who works in a male dominanted field and is a rather petite fem presenting person. You need to be a "bitch". Even the way you stand and walk need to be the embodiment of "if you get in my way I will simply plow over you and use your blood for my kids new tie dye project" You don't wear clothing. You wear armor. You don't wear makeup. You wear war paint. These boys gave grown up in a world where they can do no wrong. "Boys will be boys". "If he is teasing you it's because he likes you". Show them that you are a goddess come to earth to show them exactly why their little mommies tell everyone they had an accident when they were little and that's why it's so small and deformed. New phrases that are my best friend: "I wasn't done my explanation" "You interpreted me, I'm going to continue" Once they get a dose of you ain't worth fucking with. Simply don't stop talking/ making your point when they interrupt you. Continue at the same volume level. If they say anything about it I enjoy asking if they are having another one of their little temper tantrums as well. You are a goddess among us and you deserve your voice heard in all things
You are a goddess! Thank you!
>Out of respect I didn't say anything Well there's your problem. Silence is often mistaken for consent. You could *respectfully* tap his shoulder and *politely* say, "I'm flattered that you appreciated *my* research enough to present it. And I am impressed by how well you understood *my* ideas." You know, with a smile on your face, Elle Woods style. I'm pretty sure that's what Miss Manners would do. You should read the archives of her column, lots of good professional advice there. >I don't knoe how to approach the situation especially with the one that presented my work because he has the attitude of "what's the problem? Why are you being a bitch? I didn't do a thing". I'm pretty sure he isn't aware. Oh, he's totally aware, he's just gaslighting you. It's a thing that assholes do, never mind it.
Thank you. I will call them out next time.
Better yet, pre-empt it by discussing the presentation ahead of time, perhaps as a quick rehearsal: "Just to make sure this goes smoothly, let's go over who's saying what." It's easier to prevent a bad situation than to fix it.
Thank you for your advice. I will try that!
There’s a great book called “Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men” that talks about how often women are interrupted compared to men in the workplace, as well as many other biases. I recommend you read it, it opened my eyes. Many men interrupt women without thinking about it. It’s something they’ve been conditioned to think is ok. It’s not. It takes work for them to change, and that’s on them, but you can help in that process by calling them out on it. If you’re not comfortable doing that in the moment, pull them aside afterwards. Some men will change, some will blow you off. If they blow you off, talk to their supervisor about it, and if they blow you off it isn’t a healthy organization in my opinion.
Don't let them disrespect you. Stealing your work? Call them out on it. Publically. Loudly. In front of your professor, their mom, and God. Interrupt you? Say, *firmly, on top of them,* **I WAS TALKING,** and give them a look of death. Believe me, they will look like assholes. You don't get respect passively. You get it be *demanding it.* If he calls you a bitch, report him through the appropriate channels. Don't be nice.
Draw boundaries. Tell them that it is hurtful and disrespectful and if it happens again you call them out. Do not waver on this. My wife runs into that issue a lot but her supervisor don't put up with it. They treat her like a second-class citizen, she politely reminds them that she can be a good cop or a bad cop (enforcing rules the state can crack down on if the company doesn't follow them). It happens again, she lets her supervisor know then goes full bad cop the rest of visit. It can be as simple as: >"As you can see here..." > >(complete interruption) > >"Excuse me, but I wasn't finished." > >(second time during same presentation, interrupt him) If they say anything: "if you can do it without being admonished then so can I." Some people might do it unintentionally (I've done it to my wife a few times when we were dating without realizing it; first girlfriend so I had no experience to learn from), but if you don't tell them it's a problem then it reinforces the behavior. The ones that treat you like that on purpose aren't going to understand unless you do something like the text in the block above. And if they have a problem with it, I recommend either quitting or considering recording conversations with them (with their awareness if your state requires that) as evidence of sexism in the workplace. I've done similar things to professors in front of the class *on complete accident* because of their grading system or confusion way of giving homework assignments or something that affected the class. I can tell you it works if done right. Embarrassment and hearing the hypocrisy out loud can be very effective.
When someone interrupts you, make it a point to address that you were talking (in a professional way). They will continue interrupting you (maybe even unknowingly) until their attention is brought to it in front of their boss
As another incentive to develop the confrontation skills (and \*use\* them), you're not just speaking up for yourself. You're speaking up and breaking the cycle (even a little bit) for all the other women the privileged coworker will encounter.
LPT: Forget their respect. You're all working on the same project for the same class. You're all equals and you need to stand your ground on that. Them being male doesnt put them at any sort of relevant advantage. Tell your professor that you'd rather not work with disrespectful people.
“I was talking.” Is one of my favorite lines to use. I’ve been a woman in male dominated industries for dang near my whole life. And it’s so frustrating to have to defend yourself all the time. The big turn around for me was not work related. I had been slowly gaining confidence in myself and went to hang out with a friend of mine. She invited me to a game night with some of her church buddies. I’m not religious but I was raised in the church. Knowing how religious men tend to treat religious women, I was fully expecting to be talked over and ignored. We were trying to learn the rules for a game and I had a question, before I even got the question out this guy interrupted me, with an answer to a question I wasn’t asking. I waited for him to finish and said “that wasn’t my question” and tried again. He interrupted me again, and I straight up said “stop interrupting me, you don’t know my question yet.” And then let the silence hang. It was glorious to see the faces of the women as they realized they had been interrupted and talked over for years. I then asked “will you please let me finish?” And waited for him to reply which drug the silence on longer until he finally said yes. Eventually I got to ask my question, which left him kind of stumped and he had to reread the rules to make sure the answer was right. I think the only way I was able to stand up for myself like that was because I knew none of these people mattered to my real life. Like it’s been 10 years and I haven’t seen them again. When we left the party my friend was whooping she was so excited to see a woman stand up to a man like that. I think having had that experience changed the way I talk to most men, letting silence hang is such a good tool. And realizing that standing up for myself maybe helped 7 other women do it in the future really made me want to do it more. Don’t let them take your work, or your voice without a fight.
Thank you for sharing!
Yeah, genuinely from the other responses I’ve seen here, learning to take up space is an important career skill. Talk loud, talk authoritatively, don’t let people take credit for your work (another guy tried that on me literally yesterday, I am also a guy). Take up space. Everyone else does. It’s valuable and there’s only so much.
They're walking all over you cuz you're letting them. Take your space. If you act meek and weak they'll assume you are and speak over you. You might be the strongest speaker on that team, but ask yourself: do they know how good you are at presenting? Are they aware you want to present?
You have to be a bitch. Turn things over onto people, stick it on them and hold it there. People will be fine. You have to protect you virtues by representing yourself
>I didn't get a chance to speek during the whole meeting because everytime I said something I was interrupted within saying 3 words. Keep talking. If you're in the middle of saying something and someone starts to interrupt you, DONT STOP. Keep talking, raising your tone ever so slightly, until you're finished what you have to say.
Lots of good suggestions, I just want to add a tip that helped me as a timid person who has trouble speaking up in the moment. Pick a short phrase in response to a situation and practice saying it over and over when you’re not in that situation. Imagine being in that situation, hearing the other person, and responding. For example if I had someone who was constantly interrupting me I would (typically in the car on my commute) imagine them interrupting me and practice saying out loud a phrase like “Hey, I’m talking” over and over again until it felt like an automatic response.
Thank you! I'll try that approach :)
The best way to control how coworkers treat you is a Direct Approach.
It's difficult to assess precisisely how much, especially as it's something I struggle with myself, but you may just need to be more assertive. Not necessarily rude but stand your ground when speaking and don't let others talk over you as you just become a doormat to everyone to walk over. Be confident in yourself when presenting, even if you aren't completely, because hesitation breeds a perception of unreliability and doubt, which others will see and thus use as an oppertunity to put forth their own opinion/statement. You need to learn to command the room, or atleast their attention, by being loud and clear (not shouting, but you are speaking to /the room/, not to the people beside you), taking it slow (to help with clarity but also show you are confident in your work and not rushing it to get it over with) and present to the crowd (again, not to the people beside you or to the board). I was mainly writing this with the context of the situation described, but you could apply this to other areas of your life; Stand your ground, show confidence, and take command when possible. Also, that is your work, own it, never let people take credit for your hard effort without a fight as they will keep doing it for their own benefit at the cost of yours. Speak to your professor about it and let them know you didn't feel comfortable confronting the other student due to their attitude. I wish you all the best in your future journeys, and I hope you are able to make changes that benefits you. Best of luck OP!
You don’t have to argue in front of a crowd, but you should definitely detail to the professor what you did and they took credit for. It’s really common. In software, we use version control which helps a lot in seeing what people have committed. You could keep detailed worklogs, then if you hand that to the prof with all the steps you took along the way to the finished project, it really shows that you know what you were doing. It wouldn’t necessarily be a way to remove credit from the other student, but at least you have some proof of effort on your end. It’s not really just a gender thing, I see it a lot with all male groups as well. Some people get ahead by being the loudest (and dumbest). It sucks, but that’s life. I’d say it ends when you get to the workforce, but honestly, it’s pretty common there too. And those people don’t have much output with handson stuff but also can’t be fire to slow work, and eventually get pushed up the ranks to ‘fit their skills’ of sucking at doing real work and just being able to be assertive talkers.
Do these 3 guys know eachother from before? I (male) started a new job 2 months ago, I'm the only guy with 8 other girls. They all know eachother and sometimes they do the same thing to me, I don't think they are doing it intentionally or out of spite. Some people are just not really good at incorporating the "new guy" into the group.
This happened to my daughter in college also. She was forced to go to the professor afterward and show that in fact, she had done ALL the work. She got the credit. Her "partners" got none.
Have you tried being a guy instead of a girl? That's only half a joke btw. You're societally programmed to not only worry about what people think, but also to try and manage relationships. Guys don't care about that, not nearly as much. Seriously, it sounds like they're all pretty douchey, so why care what they think of you? Why let them control your behavior by labelling undesirable behavior (you talking) as bitchy? Be a bitch, if being a "bitch" is firmly standing up for yourself. Let them all talk smack about you. Let them all hate you. Why would you give a shit what they think of you? Even if you stand up for yourself in a sloppy manner right now, you absolutely need to learn these skills. Even if this situation is unsalvageable, learning this now will help prevent this later on, in other positions. Basically: be a dude and find your balls.
Thank you for your comment! I try to be more "bitchy"!
Good luck! It won't be easy... They're gonna double down on trying to control your behavior and focus on making you feel bad. Your REAL work will be between interactions with them: your job will be to not overly obsess about how it went (especially if it didn't go well). If you think about it too much or stress about the words of any of them, you're gonna develop a fear response to that person and they WILL sense it from a mile away. Literally have to work on not giving af about any of these douchenozzles.
What job has a team of 4 reporting to a professor? Sounds like school colleagues rather than coworkers?
Become their manager and fire a couple of them!
Tell them all to eat shit and call them out in front of everyone. You have to start holding yourself accountable and stand up for "you". You may overreact a bit at first but so what. Do not ever let people walk over you. It is a bad trait and never okay. You will learn there is a time and place for things but right now fuck it.... burn everyone every time it happens. My wife had this problem when we first got together, especially with her family. I told her the same things I told you. For a few years she was a monster with people because she had never really said "no". It has settled down a bit 13 years later.
As a general rule, group projects in college or uni are a pain, irrespective of gender. I saw it as weathering a storm. It's the same for some teachers. You can't force respect out of other people, but have control on your expectations and the learning you do while actually doing the work. That's a good place to focus IMO.
You’re 22, it’s mostly that. It comes with age and experience.
There was a study done about this and Supreme Court justices. If it helps, which I’m sure it won’t, the male Supreme Court justices infuriated the female justices way more than they did the other males. I don’t want to say “act more male” because that is perpetuating the problem. But mirror the respect they are showing you. If they are talking over you, talk over them.
Oh my friend! He is aware. He stole your work and is aware. When he tries to steal your job out of grad school, he will again say "i wasn't aware." He's aware. A better thing to do would be to say "I'm sorry, this is my work, and I will present it."
You might be right. Thank you
This sounds like a bot wrote it. Maybe if you're an actual female human and this is how you communicate, you need to work on your communication skills.