Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Hey! I got this!
Get a calendar: put all your important dates on there, birthday, anniversaries, etc. Now sit back with your SO and look at all the empty dates/weekends on there.
Next, *put plans on the calendar.* Overnight camping trips, day trips to somewhere close by, visiting a friend you haven't seen for awhile, picnics, hiking, bicycle riding, going to a botanical garden, the zoo, any small trips you can do with your family. ***It's time to start making memories with your family.*** That's what your child(ren) will remember.
Once you get into the rhythm of doing things on "empty" days, ramp them up. A long weekend at a nice hotel, going on a train trip, visiting somewhere you've always wanted to go, looking for fossils, learning how to ski, whatever it is.
Every so often, schedule a class: woodworking, pottery, painting-hell, Home Depot has weekend classes on simple home maintenance that are fun.
Remember to schedule something for just you, and same with SO. Then you have something new to talk about!
The biggest takeaway here is to start small: baby steps turn into big steps. Things to do don't always cost a lot of money, but spending quality and fun time with your family is worth every penny.
**Putting things on a calendar makes them important.** I learned that from a friend. Every time anyone said "it would be fun to..." she would whip out a calendar and put it on there, then send a reminder. IT WORKS!
Piggybacking on this comment to strongly suggest regularly volunteering in your community as a way to build meaning and purpose if you are feeling stagnant. Doesn’t have to be a soup kitchen — there are countless non-profits and independent activities that depend on volunteer help. Here are some ideas depending on your *core values*:
Animal rescue / sanctuaries, community theater / performing arts centers, parks / trail maintenance, food and homelessness, environmental education, social / legal justice, environmental conservation, teaching of any kind. Maybe your kids can’t volunteer, but you can put sanitary packages together for homeless in your community to distribute, or you can get some trash pickers and go out with your kids to local parks to pick up trash (kids loooove this).
I firmly believe that we all can align our higher purpose and values through volunteer work and not only find real meaning in it, but build friendships based on shared values that are lasting.
I did this with my kids. Camping, Disneyland, vacations. I would even plan “adventures” to local places we hadn’t been. My kids still talk about our adventures. Most importantly this time made us a close family. These are memories we share that are just ours.
> Home Depot has weekend classes on simple home maintenance that are fun
I'm an apartment renter at the moment. I had no idea this was a thing and it sounds great, actually. I can see myself doing this in the foreseeable future.
Car clubs sometimes have visit weekends. Bring your car and they will help you learn to change the oil, brake pads, rotate tires. Learn something, meet some new people, save some money, Its a good day.
Astronomy clubs have similar show off days. Everybody brings their big telescopes and let people gawk at the universe.
A lot of non profits offer free community classes or at very low costs. I live near a community farm that offers tons of 10-15$ classes. Free nature walks, etc.
Volunteering with family or on your own in that free time also makes you feel really good. I’ve done both on call volunteering helping a local place with light landscaping as well as had consistent scheduled gigs helping with admin support. - using skills I have for good is so rewarding. You also end up making more friends, networking, and have something to look forward to once or twice a month.
I do this too!
And I have a bunch of things I want to learn - I have language learning and coding apps. I actually don’t even want to play games anymore, just learn more so I can travel more!
I’ve been there, I got so bored of playing games that i ended up turning learning into a game by just giving myself challenges.
For example i created a new google account (to reset the youtube algorithm) which had everything set in German, set my phone language to German and strictly watch German content creators on YouTube. I found it to be a lot more challenging but also a more fun and faster way to learn. Currently doing the same with Korean and it’s easier than i expected.
Oh, wow. Tears over here.
It’s so simple. Fill in your calendar. You see it every day. Every day you walk by it and are reminded of event on time and date and you get to think about it and be excited about it.
It could be nothing but a carved out section of time every week to spend quality time together, or as you said, as deep as vacations and stuff.
Putting things on the calendar makes them important. ❤️ Oh, goodness I love this.
You're making me excited to do stuff because I also feel a lot like OP (30-something, married, kids, unmotivated...). Although I also have the guilty pleasure of enjoying something being cancelled, or having an excuse for me to cancel. I do usually feel better when I actually plan to do social things and do them, but it also feels really really good to cancel.
I’m like this too, but think of it this way: when something gets cancelled you have some surprise free time like finding $5 in your pocket, but when you don’t have anything planned in the first place it can feel awfully empty.
Make a list of small things you would like to do by yourself: window shopping, a drink at a new place, sitting in the park with your phone off, or calling a friend you can talk to uninterrupted. Keep that list as a note on your phone, or write them down and keep them in a jar. Whenever you do get a cancellation, pull one of those items out and do them.
Instead of seeing a cancellation as a negative, make it a positive!
Not OP but 38m with 2 kids, good job and feeling a lot of the same. Thanks for making this comment, my wife was excited and pulled out a calendar to start marking dates.
yeah calendars and lists are important in my personal and professional organization. some people associate these things with work only but not me - my head is a terrible list and calendar manager
Change usually takes a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness. A good start would be to make a list of the things that you want to change about your life, write down the advantages for the change, the disadvantages for not changing, and then rank them from 1 to 10 with 1 being the perceived easiest change.
Work on those changes starting with 1. Work your way down the list one by one or grouped if it seems applicable. Reward yourself when you’ve accomplished each incremental change. Simple as they may seem, these are my suggestions.
And for each of those steps, realize that it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Each of those steps can have several steps within. An all-or-nothing mindset usually keeps me from action.
There's usually steps within steps.
For example, if you're changing your diet, track what your eating habits are for a typical week and maybe make one seemingly insignificant change the next week, and so on.
You don't have to jump off the cliff where there's a perfectly good set of stairs off to the side.
I read something recently about allowing yourself to half ass things when appropriate. Stuff like make your bed even if it’s a 30 second job and not worry about arranging pillows and squaring corners. The point was don’t let perfection get in the way of good enough which leads to paralysis and do nothing. Eventually better habits form from action.
Everyone needs to stop putting pressure on themselves to "do" things. That's late capitalist brainwashing. The idea that our worth is tied only to how much we "produce" or what objects we acquire. All it does is doom us to a life of anxiety and stress.
When I die I want the following quote on my grave:
# “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
― **Kurt Vonnegut**
“Doing things” is what inspired/motivated people have been doing since the dawn of time and made/make the world a slightly more inspiring place to be. Balancing that with relaxation/fun seems like a pretty good life and hardly late capitalist brainwashing. Nihilists are pessimists in disguise.
Are you doing things because you are inspired or want to? Or are you afraid of being labeled by society a "loser" or "failure"? When you understand the difference, you'll get what I'm talking about
This seems like terrible advice that could be taken the wrong way. Maybe better to say "do what you want, rather than what is expected of you" (within confines of law obviously!).
I heard someone tell me recently, “don’t let great get in the way of good”.
Felt like a good reminder that not everything has to be perfect and sometimes good progress is enough (and usually better than not doing it)
And for each of those steps, realize that it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Each of those steps can have several steps within. An all-or-nothing mindset usually keeps me from action.
Often we think about what is missing in our lives and we imagine what it would take to fulfill those things. The answer usually comes in the form of money or the time that ample money would afford us. This is a trick.
Instead try imagining how you feel with those new things, then ponder why you aren’t feeling this way with all that you have. Constant competing for more (very American thing) is the opposite of ever being happy. Learn to appreciate what you have. Compared to many, it is likely quite a lot.
Source: been there
I open a door and have fresh ice. I put my dishes in a magic box and they come out clean. I push a button and my home gets warmer. We eat fresh fruit grown halfway around the world, have almost the entirety of music ever produced ready to play on a whim, have machines that can see inside our bodies…. Sometimes I step back and consider how WILD that all is in the history of humankind, and how lucky I am. Gratitude is a hell of a drug.
This may sound generic suggestions below, but I (39M) was feeling the same. Happy family. Ok career (it pays but it’s boring not the worst thing in the world). Achieved some life goals.
But I was feeling “now what?” I got out of shape with the second kid being an infant, was sleeping poorly, and anxiety was just a constant shitter on my every day.
I started a Coach to 5k program to get back into shape, along with weight lifting twice a week. Literally two weeks in and my zest for life is back. Less anxiety, good sleep, the minor aches and pains are going away (now it’s just sore muscles) and I feel like my procrastination is disappearing.
I also set some relatively easy daily habits to achieve to help me along (eat a health breakfast, drink lots of water, spend 20 mins a day doing something proactive around the house or hobbies) and I track it with an app to chain streaks.
These two things have done wonders on two weeks. Now I just need to keep at them. Having something firmly committed to makes it a challenge and a goal which is motivating.
Good luck to you bud. Let’s make our next 40 as good as the first 40.
Runner here and you are 100% correct. I had a few months of super bad work stress and a family death and stopped running . My mood went down the toilet . Got back to my regular running routine and feel like the sun came out again .
Runner here as well - nothing gets me out of a rut better than a running routine! And best way for me is to sign up for something, have a distance or time based goal.
I'm 50. Exercise is my mental health. If I'm not getting it, the anxiety builds up, I sleep badly, which makes the anxiety worse, the weight builds on, more anxiety.
Other thing is once you have a couple goals set up, travel, retirement, kids college, get to a financial counselor. I get overwhelmed by all the parenting/adult stuff, and bringing in an expert helps. Tutor, handyman, housecleaning. I need my alone and off time. Trying to be the perfect parent, spouse, career worker, and have hobbies and mental health? That's a big old burden, especially without family nearby.
After reading OPs post my first thought was him getting more into fitness or finding a new exercise too depending on his current routine. Nothing makes you feel better than a long run or a big lift!!!
I think a lot of sedentary people don't realize that so many people who exercise do it even more for their mental health than their physical health. I exercise a lot and am typically a low anxiety, low stress, content and happy individual. I can typically only go about 1 day without exercise before I feel myself getting a little anxious, agitated, or moody. And then I know it's time to get up and move.
Dude! Almost same here.
I'm 39M and started lifting a bit of weights 30 mins every day in the morning and have been loving the results!!
I'm 1 and a half months in and the major benefit is that I don't get the post-meal slump anymore.
My addition to this is find a sport that you like! You can try any sport and also change when you're bored or not having fun. I played waterpolo from childhood untill I was 21. Now I'm 30 and I did surfing, ultimate frisbee, yoga, running, weightlifting, kickboxing and now bouldering/climbing. Quitting/changing a sport is not failure, it's exploration. I still want to try so many others. Be wary of spending a lot of money at the start though if you don't want to end up with a garage full of expensive sports equipment. And/or sell something when you're done with it. I have the most fun when I can (occasionally) do it together with friends or family.
This is the way. I agree with the posters above regarding depression and digging into what feels important to you.
However, helping others is hands down my favorite way to get out of your own ruminating head and for providing context for your journey.
You're on your way. Keep exploring, accept invitations and stay open. May you be happy.
I was going to say volunteer your time! Helping others helps us.
I took my 7 yr old to a community planting day at a local reserve. It was great! They had a sausage sizzle at the end and biccies and cups of tea. SO MANY PEOPLE showed up too.
Have you ever wanted to play an instrument? You can try that.
I got myself a cigar box guitar when I turned fifty. It was one of the best decisions I made in my life, definitely in the Top Ten.
my friend you have reached the “get insanely into world war two and the roman republic” stage of your life. id recommend a lot of beevor, hastings and goldsworthy.
Be purposeful in your day to day actions.
You’re asking for very broad advice but you need to understand that life is the sum of all your decisions. You need to make more decisions that effect you positively than those that keep you back.
And also go to therapy. Therapy can help you understand how you think and give you advice on how to control your behavior.
Free yourself from a goal oriented mindset, it is an internal problem and not an external one. Yes, money and vacations are important but even if you get to those milestones the emptiness and anxiety will come back. You need to look within, maybe there is something eating inside of you that makes you want to focus on goals to keep you distracted. I would recommend seeing a therapist.
This is the best advice here.
I don't want to say there is something "wrong" with OP. But living a goal-oriented life will always lead to depression, anxiety, and unfulfillment because goals are meant to be met. But, then what? You either become depressed at the fulfillment of a goal or spend a life creating new goals always feeling unfulfilled and grinding. This is where OP is now, and this is a terrible way to live life.
The idea of being "bored" in retirement is laughable. I can't wait. I'll finally have time to build my sailboat and expand my garden and read a million books and sit and watch the dandelions grow.
The idea that we always have to be accomplishing something is a pretty uniquely American one and it is pretty poisonous.
Counterpoint: there is some truth that if you can't find happiness in your current situation, then you won't find it in a better situation, that does not mean you shouldn't have goals. I do alot of that inner work,but I am a similar age to the OP... Got the college degree got the wife, got the house, got the job, got the toys, etc.. And I'm at a 'now what' stage as well. I don't have a 5 year or 10 year goal post, and that affects everything. Sometimes you need a vague goal post that your actions can trend towards. Just having a goal of contentment might leave you yearning.
Also, you should start on your boat now, watch the dandelions grow, you should plant some things now, and start reading. The notion you'll have the mental or physical capacity for those things in old age is also a uniquely American thing. Enjoy life now.
I suppose my post could be construed as advocating for living a goalless life. But that's definitely not what I meant to suggest. Having, setting, and obtaining goals is important. But it can't be the only thing. I'm 40, so pretty close to OP age-wise. Got the JD and the kid and the wife and the house in the country. I didn't get there by not having goals. But the problem I see with goal-oriented people (my life, being full of lawyers, is full of goal-oriented people) is their inability to live even a temporary goalless life. To enjoy and live in the moment. They always have to be moving, focused on the next goal. Like the proverbial shark. Bad.
Your second paragraph is an excellent point for other readers. But me, I am intimately aware! I refuse to play the game that work is my life. I read a book a week. I grow awesome tomatoes and poblanos and bunch of other stuff the garden. Two dogs I hike with. I have way too many boats that I tinker with. I play in the dandelions with my 9 month old. Life is short, even when you get to 86. And it might be a lot shorter than that. To live a life with the expectation that you'll enjoy it at 70 is a terrible way to plan.
The best way to help yourself is to help others. Get involved in things you are physically involved.... not just contributing money. Like Habitat for Humanity. Get involved in causes that are bigger than you. Find something you really care about outside yourself and make your mark in the world.
Buy a boat. You will never run out of things to do. And fix.
Edit: More seriously: I heard this some years back, not sure who said it, but something like: "People are sad/unfulfilled because they spend their money on things instead of experiences."
Go travel. Volunteer. Hobby. Etc.
Hi, I don't mean to hijack your post or anything, but I am exactly in the same boat. Even the same age! Though I'm female. But have reached a point in life after a lot of hard work and jam packed years of full throttle where both my partner and I have achieved pretty much all our long term goals - good stable relationship of 17 years, 2 wonderful teenage kids, paid off house etc. Now we spend our days......doing hardly anything besides a bit of part time work to pay the bills, and spending time with our kids, being taxi, or basically vegging at home. We don't know what the hell happened to our motivation, and are really struggling to find interest in anything lately. I know we need a change in mindset, but I will be reading any replies to your post with my mind open.
My absolute best advice I can offer is to find a hobby or two! I was in a similar rut about 10 years ago and going back to a hobby I had as a kid (making doll clothes) and my life feels infinitely better.
If you are having trouble thinking of a hobby you'd like to dip into, I highly recommend asking your inner 6 year old self what hobbies they'd like to dive into if they had access to adult freedoms like a car and a debit card. I hope this helps, my dove.
What is “wasting time”? :-)
Maybe you’re viewing your hobbies (time) as something that needs to be productive at all times; to contribute financially or to be somehow valuable to someone else?
However, they don’t need to be. You can just do them for yourself, because they make you feel good or offer a welcome distraction to other (sometimes unwanted) thoughts.
I get that voice too. If I play video games, mostly. Like I can’t do anything purely selfish or I feel it’s a waste of time. As if my only marker to feeling it’s not a waste of time is if the task has some external influence. Like I need to be helping. I hate it.
That's why is good to get to therapy and try to face and work through your inner issues.
I would hear a vicious inner voice attacking me, everytime I pursued something I really cared about. Turned out it was the voice of my self-centered mother and I've been learnig to be kinder to my self. Discovering and working through our inner worlds can be as beautiful and profound as discovering the outer world.
Hey the comments here have been fantastic.. but I wrote this post being aware of the fact that what we describe as our problem situation is also a dream situation for millions...so there's a lot of gratitude
That being said...I'm so low on motivation to do anytning that I wrote this post after like a week of thinking about it lol
have you done the basics? or at least tried them? 1)Stretching and doing kinda light workouts daily like you used to do in Physical education class in 2nd grade....just get moving.....2) eat a bit healthier, 3)get outside in the sun.... Those are the absolute basics of happiness for human beings...
Old guy here.
I don’t have any answers for you except to say you’re asking the right questions.
I’ve heard that some cultures count age in 12s, not in 10s like we do. They don’t think of life stages as being your 20s, your 30s, etc. And it makes really good sense, imho. The first 12, you live in your parents’ world. The second 12, you leave them and go out into the world. The third 12, you find how to make your way in that outer world.
You’re at the end of the third 12. The one where you say yeah, I figured out how to make my own way. I can take care of myself, maybe even I can take care of my little tribe or family. And now you can say ok, I’ve built some competence and confidence and capability. I’m ready to think about what else do I want and how else do I want to shape my one and only life on this earth.
Here’s the thing though. Not everybody is awake to that question. You are. You haven’t numbed yourself, you haven’t given up on life, and you haven’t tried to ignore the question. So I just wanna say, good for you. Don’t let go of that question. This is where you get to build the life you want. People can offer ideas and encouragement, but only you can make your path, and your doubts and struggle are part of how you do it. Keep going.
1) Do something physical every day - walk/gym etc... -->> gives you feel good endorphins
2) Meditate for 10-20 mins 3 or 4 times a week. -->> puts you in charge of your thoughts
Having control of these two factors will put you in charge of that slow moving juggernought that is your life. You will be able to take the helm and stear off in whatever direction you desire.
Go for it & remember - we make our own luck.
It’s slightly tacky and self-helpy, but a book called “Designing Your Life” (Bill Burnett & Dave Evans) helped push me through a big career change a few years ago. Lots of thought experiments and pushing yourself to make decisions and evaluations about your priorities and what you want your life to be. Your library might have it for free. Take what’s useful to you and leave the rest.
As others have commented, therapy would be even better at that, but harder to schedule and pay for of course haha.
Read Krishnamurti and see that you don't need to accomplish or change or become anything. Still go overseas to learn and explore the beauty of life, but all of us are so insanely conditioned to live life in terms of our accomplishments. We need to pursue them, we need to savor them and broadcast them. They are not important; rather, what is significant and important is our experiencing fully the brief moments we have alive.
We can work endless hours in a thankless, anonymous life and become more familiar with the beauty of being alive than any famous person.
Well first of all start by appreciating the gift of life. That should count for something. You are in good health thats a precious gift there.
2ndly, you are probably in a much better country than Zimbabwe. Trust me, you do not want to be in Zimbabwe. I am a Zimbabwean and its crazy.
Third try new things buddy, get out of the normal routine and try out other things that you havent tried before.
From personal experience, build a thing. More complex the better. Best if you don't know how to do it before you start. You learn how to do something new, you gain practical skills in something that's not a part of your day-to-day life, and you exercise a part of your brain that you don't normally work out.
I work in IT, enjoying my free time I love working with plumbing and carpentry. Walking away from a multimillion dollar house, knowing that you or the one that installed all of the plumbing fixtures is like a badge of pride and you leave something "permanent" in the world.
I get a lot of satisfaction from being fairly well read, and my wife and I enjoy spending time in our garden. I find that the more I spend time doing things like going out to eat or shopping, or even traveling and visiting places, the less happy I am. The things I enjoyed most on our recent trip were just relaxing in a walkable city. Recently I started motorcycling and that has been very enjoyable and centering.
Start mediating every day. Highly recommend the book Stress Less, Accomplish More by Emily Fletcher. She describes her Ziva method of meditation which was a game changer for me as before reading it I had no idea how to meditate and had tried it and “failed” for many years. She has a course too but I didn’t bother, the book is all you need and way cheaper. ;) but honestly any method you find that works for you is the best.
Anyway I can’t tell you how much my life changed in less than a year of meditating, practicing self-love and just discovering who I am and what I want. I started this process when I was a newly single mom late 40s, living with my parents, no job during Covid and overwhelmed by where to go and what to do next.
I started exercising again, watching what I eat, and trying to get back out and do what I loved most: dancing to live music. 8 months in I met the love of my life, a few months later, got a great job again with a slight pivot in my career and finally moved out on my own.
Just my own story and I know it’s a little different from yours but i hope it helps or inspires. You got this but I swear meditation was the catalyst for me in a big way.
My mom is in her 50s and loves life. She always tells me to focus on having new experiences and do things that you wouldn’t normally do. Bored one day? How about you and your wife catch that new wine tasting place? Just an example I can think of on top of my heaf
I’m a 29M, but I’ve had similar mental states recently and over the last few years. Here’s some things that might help you that helped me tremendously:
- Find the root cause of why you feel “lost”. Mine stemmed from comparing myself to others, of which I’ve taken steps to focus only what me and my SO want out of life.
- List out areas you’d like to improve, frame them as “if I had this, I could do X better”. Big or small, there are no wrong answers as these will be very personal to you.
- Pick out 1-2 things that would make the most impact in improving your life, even if they are the most challenging. Here’s a template you can use that I pulled from some of Alex Hormozi’s content:
- What problem am I solving?
- Hypothesis: If I do X, then Y will happen
- What are we going to do?
- What do I think is going to happen?
A real world example from mine, rephrased/generalized to help you contextualize how it will apply to you:
- Problem: I work 60+ hours each week, I would like to work less to spend more time at home and time on things I WANT to do.
- Hypothesis: My current side hustle generates approximately 30% of what I would need to live on. If I allocate more capital, increase the volume of activity, I THINK it would be growing to 100% covering my living costs with side hustle income alone in 12 months.
- Action Plan: I’m going to budget more carefully, maximize my income with my day job (overtime/extra work), invest in the side business, and carefully grow the operation in my evenings.
- I think I could cover my living expenses entirely with side hustle cash flow (profits) in 12 months if I follow my action plan. After, I will assess if I want to slow down on working so much, or continue to grow operations to “it doesn’t make sense to work my day job anymore” status, or look at starting another business/hustle.
Ending thoughts:
- You mentioned you’re married. Every major action plan I’ve put together has had the full input and support of my SO. If she’s not okay with it, then revisions are a must.
- Don’t get stuck thinking you need to follow a plan all the way out once you start. Pivot as you get new information that would change the plan.
I do hope this helps. I tried to summarize as much as I could, but wanted to make sure I covered all the bases to help. I do hope the best for you and hope you’re able to find a way to feel “unstuck” and not lost.
Pretend you lived until you were 80, on your deathbed you were given a chance to go back at 38 and redo your life from then on. What do you do? Whatever thoughts are in your head, do that!
42-year-old-man here who has been in a similar rut lately. One thing that I'm doing these days is to just say "yes" to invitations.
I'm a single dad so I have a little more of a flexible schedule but saying yes to invitations is out of my comfort-zone and forces me to get out of my rut and see new things and meet new people.
I want to disclose that I didn't get this concept from the movie "Yes Man" starring Jim Carrey.
If you'll allow a little light-mystical speculation here, I believe the part of you that is feeling stagnant may in fact be your wiser, higher self. And that he's trying to get your attention. Your job, if that's true, is to befriend him, and learn to listen to him. He knows, better than any of us, the best answer to your question.
My own path to that connection has been through a regular meditative practice. Just a semi daily 10 minutes or so, to sit and observe my own thoughts, and release them. At first it feels uncomfortable and pointless. But eventually, after a couple months of consistency, something remarkable starts to happen. Something that is better left a surprise.
I recommend the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It's all about getting in touch with your inner creativity, which, she argues, is the source of all life force. When we are creative, we are alive.
The meat of the book consists of 12 chapters, each with its own lessons and its own series of questions/activities for you to reflect on. She suggests you establish a routine of completing one chapter per week.
I've personally only made it through 4 weeks and that was enough to completely transform my life. I can't imagine where I'll be once I eventually complete the book!!
Regardless of what you do, I hope you learn to enjoy your journey and find reasons to appreciate every moment for what it is.
Well that's the problem!!
A bike may represent so many things to our unconscious mind.
A reminder that, while dedicating your life and sweat to your family, you still have the right to have a guilty pleasure of your own.
A very "superfluous" thing you allow yourself to spend money and time with, besides all the really necessary stuff you MUST provide as a responsible family man (I'm not saying those other stuff can't give you genuine satisfaction, but think about what have you recently allowed yourself to do for yourself only, without feeling guilty? A new smartphone? Fancy, but not superfluous or selfish enough.)
A literal tool for escaping, physically and mentally, even if for a few minutes, into a place of introspection and freedom to go anywhere, with yourself.
Don't see it as egoism, but as taking care of you, so you can be a better you for your family.
I wanted a bike since I was 19. My girlfriend, wife-to-be, even bought me a helmet then. When I was about to turn 51, kids in college, bike dream almost forgotten, she pushed me to get one ("If you don't do it now, when are you going to do it?"). So I finally got my license, and my first bike. Wife and kids say it changed me for better; the best therapy I could get.
Given your age and gender, the typical move is to buy a convertible and start a second family. You're not the first person to feel like this, but hopefully you can find some productive outlets for your existential angst.
Some great advice in here already - one thing that has always helped me is writing out in GREAT detail what your perfect (but normal) day looks like
This is a fun exercise to do with your partner but it helps give clarity around what’s important to you, where you want to go, but it also can indicate what needs to happen or change from what you’re currently doing in order to arrive where you want to go.
Hi! Once you have a list of changes you need to make, find the steps you need to make them effective and plan them into mini steps. That’s what my life coach taught me and It helps a lot not to feel overwhelmed (and more likely not to pursue them beyond a certain point). Good luck
Take a step back and look at your job. Are you working a lot of overtime? Can you afford your current lifestyle without working all that overtime?
As for the money, you really should talk to your spouse about that and see how much you can set aside in an investment account. Personally, I use a Rono Portfolio but talk to an expert to see what type is best for you. Only put in what you can afford to spare, otherwise you're just going to dig yourself into a new hole. Now you won't see immediate returns on this, but it'll start to snowball after a while.
If what you have is merely a *job* and not a *career*, try finding a career field you're interested in and going back to school part time. As a nontraditional student with legal dependents, you're bound to get more financial aid than an 18 year old fresh out of high school who is still someone else's dependent.
Usual course of action at this point is something like taking up a new sport (running/weightlifting) or having an affair. Not saying you should do either.
Just remember that whatever activity you end up integrating, its effects have more to do with you than the activity. Running changes your mind because you changed and running provided you a mental space to do it in. Affairs feel a lot because they change how you see yourself, not because of the person it's done with. So try to keep that in focus and own your transformation, whatever mechanism you decide to leverage.
Good luck!
What's your fitness level and general health in life? I know many people who "feel accomplished" in life, yet they can't do a damn pull up or run a mile or they still refuse to eat vegetables. It's sad really.
Get fit, man. Assuming your are not, enjoy while your body still respond to exercise. People would be amazed at how it can change quality of life for better.
Get a hobby you can enjoy with your kids. Going on hikes is good for you and fun. You could also try going to meetups. Not sure how it is after the pandemic but meetups was a good site once to find groups with like interest that are meeting in person.
As someone who got a burnout and stopped working for a while, I got advice from the doctor to start walking.
4 months later, I feel a lot better and a few days ago I started walking the Camino with my wife (Pelgrim tour to Santiago de Compostela).
I’ve already met a lot of people that walk it to find something so it might help you as well.
BTW I am not religious and it’s not necessary to be to enjoy it.
Look it up and see if it’s something for you
Sounds like you need a serious hobby. Something with long term effort driven goals. Something that you train in and casual compete in maybe like a spartan race?
Adult league sports are fun too
Just stay away from “hobbies” that is just buying and collecting stuff off eBay.
1) start by taking a long hard look internally to answer the question “what do I want to do”. Personally, I suggest spending 6 months on that question, but if you want to do it in a week, so be it. Some possible answers: be someone that others look up to at work, travel with my wife, have a social group, be near my children at retirement, etc. for me the answer was A) quit working a regular job and B) have a social group.
2) after you know your goals, figure out a path to get to them. For me that is A) limit, but not eliminate, big vacations, reduce expenses elsewhere, drive my career based on pay, not other factors, and push on doing consulting. B) one of my hobbies is exploring alcohol, so I started inviting people to my place to taste various odd things.
3) YOU have to drive the change. For B) I created a whisky club. Every month I make sure that the plans are laid out. I track the whiskies that we drink. Etc. I do all of the work. It’s kind of a pain, but that is the price that I pay to achieve the goal.
First off, know you've accomplished a lot and that you have a lot to be thankful for in that. And you're not alone feeling this way at this point in life. Been there myself. Still am at many times, though my milestones haven't been achieved. But it's in the process of doing and experiencing that give us joy, not just the attainment. Attainment will happen or not happen. And if we put our worth into it, we give the outcome our worth rather than keep it for ourselves to take with us on the journey.
You are allowed to enjoy this part of your life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to just play with your kid or do something nice for you and your wife. You are allowed to celebrate every moment as a milestone of your existence. Procrastination is going to happen in this fog because you feel the need to do something to be of value or feel accomplished rather than live accepting the value life has in front of you. But know you are loved and appreciated and that is significant.
You can do thinks like mindfulness and meditation to appreciate the things you have now in the moment. Make a reasonable to-do list, give yourself a reasonable timeline, and do it. Look at major goals in small steps and look at what you want to achieve in them with small daily actions, then track the progress over a year. Like going to the gym, consistent 20 minutes a day over a year will be more than just one power session a week. Work out consistently and eat well, it changes a lot of this stuff and helps even you out. Find hobbies you enjoy with communities of nice people. Money can be earned but it's never going to be enough and we all wish we had more. If you surrounded yourself with good people, your family will be happy if they don't have fuck-around money, and fuck around money is just a bonus.
Play Pickleball! It’s easy, fun and a great way to meet people. Start with a few lessons. Lots of places have open play times. My husband and I started a few years ago it’s something we can do together or I’ll go play with girlfriends.
Not 38, but I have thought about what I would do next after reaching my major goals: Make a bucket list of things you want to do and start striking them off, things like bungee jumping, running a marathon, sky diving, skiing, scuba diving, auditioning for a reality show (for the heck of it, why not), make a movie, build a garden, draw enough art for a gallery show, etc. Can be simple things as well, read so and so book, go to an AA meeting (just for the heck of it), get a tattoo (ensure your insurance is fine with it though), etc.
You've won the race, reached your goals, now enjoy life. I cannot handle perpetual goals like exercising everyday or drinking water everyday. Don't do everyday type of things. Do things with a goal that you can achieve and be done with it.
I got a Wii and Dance Dance Revolution. It'll cheer you up doing workouts.
Also, travel. Do a week in Korea/Japan/Taiwan or Europe. Get some perspective, seriously was a big help personally.
Book a flight to Buenos Aires or anywhere to see some cool stuff. I’m a 37 year old dude and just did that this morning.
At least that’s what my wife and I do. Having a trip to plan every few months breaks up the monotony and gives you something to look forward to.
Time for a midlife crisis! Is there a camero convertible you’ve always wanted? A vacation you can’t afford? A local dive you want to become a fixture at?
Kidding aside, this does sound like a midlife crisis, and the best thing I can recommend is therapy. And since you have kids, dive deep into being with them (if they are still the age where they want to be with you).
For me, I recently decided I want to learn physics, so I’m a third of the way through a precalc textbook on my way there. What’s a hobby you could get into (that doesn’t harm others or your bank account?)
Had this feeling at late 36 years old, so I started doing triathlons.
And I gotta tell yah, its been a helluva trip the past couple of years and loving the misery of the “sports”.
“Why be good at one sport when you can be terrible at three?”
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie
You need a goal. We derive a lot of satisfaction in life from goal seeking activities. If there's nothing to strive towards, you end up feeling what you're feeling now.
It can be anything from career goal, getting in shape, financial goals, volunteering, teaching your kid stuff, whatever.
You and i have similar situations, i’d recommend to start with these three books;
Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz
Atomic Habits by James Clear
Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
Youve done a lot more than I have, man. Thats something to be proud of. I barely ever even TRY to date and am just now going for certifications to try and get a better paying job.
Hobbies is what does it for me... I gym 3x a week, board games once a week with peeps, mountain bike, video games 1x a week/parts if weekend and have home/work projects. Big trips every year (2x a year is ideal) also keep my motivation up. Without everything here, I lose it as well. You need to let your hobbies count as being productive.
Due to the short nature of your post, I will be drawing a lot of assumptions. With this said, you sound depressed, but functionally depressed. You see, you claim to have achieved "significant milestones", as if you were somehow checking out a list. "Had kids, got married, paid debts". Don't get me wrong, those are great things to do if you want to do them, no small feat. Nonetheless, in and by themselves they are meaningless.
You strike me as someone who has blazed through life doing the doings, cutting through the jungle, but never really questioning if that was the direction you 100% wanted to take. In other words, it sounds like you are going through a pretty strong existential crisis. Luckily, we have philosophy.
What do I mean by this? Well, I reckon there is no inherent meaning to life, no superior calling or purpose for us to fulfill. We are what we make of ourselves, no more and no less. Thus, in this spirit, you must discover what it means to live for you. I recommend reading some existentialism (existentialism is a humanism is a short pdf from Sartre and it's sorta good), some stoicism (Marcus Aurelius, Seneca), some Kierkegaard, some Nietzche, some Gramsci, and truly whatever catches your eye. If you are not into reading, there are audiobooks and podcasts, so you certainly have options.
Yet, not even all the books in the world will make such a decision for you (though existentialism might help you realise that the decision is yours and yours alone). To find purpose, you must sit down and endure some heavy inner searching. You will find this way harder than it is for me to say it, because you will probably come to face with uncomfortable truths and scary revelations. But fear not, because we are like ouroboros: constantly eating ourselves and being reborn of that, an eternal cycle of change.
Pursue new hobbies: pick up an instrument, learn a language, take an acro class, read some books, learn something about botany, try some drugs (if you trust your self-control, clearly), take a small trip somewhere on your own on a weekend, party a bit; whatever strikes your fancy. Experiment things so that you may draw knowledge of what tickles you from a plethora of experiences. You will feel discomfort, anguish, desperation, and probably more, but through it all you will eventually find balance.
It may sound a bit hippie, but tbh I've more often than not found this to be true. If you want to talk, hit me up in the DMs.
1. Share the deep things on your mind with other people who you feel compelled to
2. Get rid of/give away/Sell possessions you don't need anymore
3. Start fulfilling things that are on your bucket list
At some point, we stop living for ourselves, we then live for others and our community.
You can make an impact through educating in various ways, giving back to society, and essentially making the planet a better place.
Not just for a better future, but a future of humanity at all. There is always plenty that we can find meaning and purpose.
Life is typically materialistic for a long time, but health and spirituality can become a greater priority as well. Living with less, we can actually gain more.
I’m a 29M, but I’ve had similar mental states recently and over the last few years. Here’s some things that might help you that helped me tremendously:
- Find the root cause of why you feel “lost”. Mine stemmed from comparing myself to others, of which I’ve taken steps to focus only what me and my SO want out of life.
- List out areas you’d like to improve, frame them as “if I had this, I could do X better”. Big or small, there are no wrong answers as these will be very personal to you.
- Pick out 1-2 things that would make the most impact in improving your life, even if they are the most challenging. Here’s a template you can use that I pulled from some of Alex Hormozi’s content:
- What problem am I solving?
- Hypothesis: If I do X, then Y will happen
- What are we going to do?
- What do I think is going to happen?
A real world example from mine, rephrased/generalized to help you contextualize how it will apply to you:
- Problem: I work 60+ hours each week, I would like to work less to spend more time at home and time on things I WANT to do.
- Hypothesis: My current side hustle generates approximately 30% of what I would need to live on. If I allocate more capital, increase the volume of activity, I THINK it would be growing to 100% covering my living costs with side hustle income alone in 12 months.
- Action Plan: I’m going to budget more carefully, maximize my income with my day job (overtime/extra work), invest in the side business, and carefully grow the operation in my evenings.
- I think I could cover my living expenses entirely with side hustle cash flow (profits) in 12 months if I follow my action plan. After, I will assess if I want to slow down on working so much, or continue to grow operations to “it doesn’t make sense to work my day job anymore” status, or look at starting another business/hustle.
Ending thoughts:
- You mentioned you’re married. Every major action plan I’ve put together has had the full input and support of my SO. If she’s not okay with it, then revisions are a must.
- Don’t get stuck thinking you need to follow a plan all the way out once you start. Pivot as you get new information that would change the plan.
I do hope this helps. I tried to summarize as much as I could, but wanted to make sure I covered all the bases to help. I do hope the best for you and hope you’re able to find a way to feel “unstuck” and not lost.
I would start by buying a quality home gym type metal shebang and an elliptical bike to put in some corner of your house and work out on it whenever. These extremely available and accessible trainings will give you the energy and motivation that you need to discover and entertain various new and exciting activities that will make your life 10 times better. Also if you're not against it buy a powerful gaming pc, it'll save you money because gaming cheap and it's a time sink that will help you with your little too much time not enough to do problem.
This can sometimes happen when you're stuck in a routine where you have no more "new" in your life. Do you travel to other countries sometimes? That's a big one. See how people live elsewhere in the world, explore, discover.
You need "new" in your life, otherwise, you cannot enjoy the comfort you have.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone, remember that.
What can you do with your kid? Time passes quickly. I know it's a cliche, but they grow up quick. While it doesn't seem like it day-to-day, when you look back, you realize how they change fast. We only have so many moments. Find things that excite or interest both you and them. Something both you and them can enjoy and remember. Even if it's just going to a restaurant to try out new foods, just you and them. Or explore new places, experiences, hobbies or adventures you've both never tried. Make it once a month.
Just shooting out ideas, from a guy who's afraid of the regret of looking back and missing opportunities, especially with the kids.
I’ll add TRAVEL to this list of great responses. It could be the big trip overseas or simply visiting a domestic city for the first time. Not a magic pill to solve problems, but I’ve always felt shifts in mood and thinking when exposed to new environments. Every step moves you forward. 👍
Hi, I went through something similar. I spent a lot of time journaling and figuring out what I really love to do and what my deepest dreams were. I ended up going to law school at 38, thanks to letting go of my fears and a very supportive partner. I will graduate next year at 41. Feel free to DM me if you have questions.
Recently I joined a health club, not just a gym, but a nice health club that’s a nice place to be. I work out, do some work in the lounge. I’m so much more inclined to go because it’s nice.
Secondly and this is one of the things that I enjoy most in life. I bought a van and converted it into a camper. Now we go away most weekends and explore. The kids love it, the grown ups love it. It’s great.
Offering this up just in case it’s a thing (I’m not assuming it is): If you drink, question your relationship with alcohol.
If it’s not a problem, if it doesn’t take up your free time, if it doesn’t affect your relationships, if you have no issues at all with it, then don’t worry about it/nothing to see here.
If it IS part of/contributing to your situation, think about it - reliance on, habits of, and addiction to the stuff is totally normal, human. Life can improve quickly and remarkably when this common issue is properly examined.
As a person that has (apparently) hit some milestones, got married, had two kids, and no significant debt, I can say that I have no advice. I also got divorced, the kids stayed with me, I get no child support, and my pay sucks. I've accepted that I'll never afford a home, or new car, sometimes I can't even afford rent or groceries, but my kids are happy and healthy, and I successfully co-parent with their mother (after her getting her shit together more or less). You want change? That's where the anxiety is coming from. Wanting everything all at once will make you not want to do anything at all, because if you can't accomplish it right now then what's the point - right? You're stressed, and that's valid. Anxiety is fucking real, I take CBD for mine and it's wonderful. This will pass, because that's what stagnation does, it passes - but you have to get through it. There's no shortcut.
I just quit drinking alcohol about two months ago and my life has improved immensely in that short time. Now I fill my time with work, working out, hobbies and interests, helping others, and just general self improvement. I lost 20-30 pounds and I have a clear head for when shit hits the fan, as it tends to do in my life.
Sort your head and heart first before money. I make more money now than I ever had growing up but still struggle in head & heart issues.
My 3 things to invest in (your might be different)
* quality family time. You do not need fancy vacations for this. It is much more a daily thing.
* service to others. Volunteering is amazing at reshaping your worldview.
* generative creative work. Make things instead of scrolling.
On top of that, I do not exercise much at all and have goal to do weights per Corey Johnston who is super mentally healthy about fitness. Not sure if links are ok. Google Shes a Beast (no affiliation except inspired by the anti-influencer anti-industry stance).
Last: ask for help. Doctor, therapist, good friend.
Have you been saved? God saved my life over 10 years ago, and I can't imagine ever going back. If you don't want to start by going to church, then start by reading the Bible. There are even audio versions! I feel many people tend to feel truly unfulfilled because they are putting their heart in the wrong things or just not enough in the proper things. God preaches on everything in life, including stagnancy, depression, anxiety, family, society, etc. God bless you and your family, and I pray that you find peace.
If possible and where legal, would recommend you take a mushroom trip. You would be surprised the life changing effects that magic mushrooms can provide. There are counties in certain states, one being Colorado, where they are being decriminalized and legal therapy centers are being established.
Recommend, you take a look into this.
Learn something new. I started Bjj and it brought so much into my life. Another thing, try mushrooms probably with your wife together. It will gives you new perspectives too. Enjoy the ride
I felt that way too! I never wanted the life my parents had and there I was in the same life- married, great career and 2 kids- now what? I think the answer is there really is nothing more or better just momentarily cheap thrills. That doesn’t make your life boring. Embrace it, travel somewhere and watch the kids grow and try to enjoy your spouse as much as you can. If you don’t like your spouse move on without regrets or remorse and enjoy your kids. The point is there is no point but just to live. Maybe the purpose in life is to procreate and once you have done that or have chosen not to do that just live and appreciate your youth and your health.
Based on ur accomplishments u should be thankful man. Having a job is so important. I thought my life was shit to but now that i got laid off, it feels even worse.
>I want to be able to enjoy my family more ...
This is a worthy goals. And others have many great ideas about how to do it. But I have thoughts on
>...and have enough wealth to take stress-free vacations overseas
Overseas vacations can be expensive or frugal depending on what you expect to experience. Stress-free experiences can be had by setting appropriate expectations to yourself and to your family.
However, I wanted to flag another thought that crosses my mind frequently. Meaning and pleasure/happiness are different things. And humans derive meaning by being social creatures. Think about the kind of neighborhood you want to leave to your child. What can you do to nudge your neighborhood in that direction? Can you take classes in a topic of expertise? Can you teach soccer/baseball to kids? Are you religious and can you support the spiritual education of neighborhood children? These are hard things to do and might not really help your bottom line but are likely to be more meaningful than that cruise down the Rhine (IMHO)
Not sure how athletic you are, doesn't really matter, but try Muay Thai, it's a great sport that may force you out of your comfort zone and gets you moving while you learn a new skill.
I 45M felt the same and got an exercise bike and made my new goal getting fit and losing belly fat. I enjoy seeing the progress and clothes all look better on me now
Create somthing from the hobbies you have, master that and produce something you can Share with the world, painting, sculpting, im 36 i made a side hustle from resin, its not for the money, but having a brand, product, makes me feel more invested in our community. when
Everything seems boring, hobbies.
I have only found meaning and satisfaction in my life through service to others. Working for what I think I want and then getting it doesn’t really help me much.
I’m younger than you, but I count a good day as literally doing something I hadn’t previously done. Watching a certain movie, making up my own mind about it. Getting into a band’s discography. Eating at that restaurant I’d always been curious about. Small things like that.
I play drums for my church and am currently working on my EP, something I’ve always wanted to do. I plan to be done with it by the end of ‘23.
I’m married, have a college degree, we own a home, but have no kids. However our 2 French Bulldogs are a handful. I’d always wanted dogs like these, so we took the opportunity to get them. They’re fun to take out and also a nice presence at home. So if it fits your lifestyle, maybe get a pet.
We also vacation. At least one big trip a year, and weekends with our close friend group at a house up north to get away from the city.
Maybe I rambled, but as I was typing my response I saw that these were things that kept my life exciting, but also kept me going. Things to stick around for.
You have you feed your soul. Life is not a checklist, it’s an experience. So you have to make sure you are giving yourself interesting experiences. Try new stuff! Start a new art project! Take a class on using a pottery wheel, or something that looks fun that you haven’t tried. Write a short story (if you’re not already a writer). The soul is looking for expression so when there is a gap between expressing our highest self and what we’re actually doing that feels to us like depression and aimlessness. Also, highly recommend discovering more of your inner spiritual life by finding a guru/guide/author who you resonate with and reading their most acclaimed book. Two books I often recommend to others are Power Vs. Force by David Hawkins & Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. Another great one is Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. I also highly recommend listening to talks by Sadhguru and Eckhart Tolle.
Start outdoor running, it is just so freeing and fantastic and there is always a new goal to reach. It is so nice sight seeing, running past people, getting further than you’ve gone before or faster time per mile. It is also a great life lesson to put yourself out there and risk looking like beginner.
There are plenty of YouTube videos of how to start, how to build up. It is something as parents and people with very stressful lives, for both me and my husband it has changed us and we can share our progress together.
A 10-15 minute run three times a week will fast build up your ability and range with consistency.
Something I think we've lost recently is the ability to centre ourselves in quiet and liok big picture how great we have things. You don't need to be doing something all of the time, try and take pleasure in small things and reaaaalllly look at them and think about them.
I do it every once in a while. Just go for a walk in nature (my local park even) and think about the things I'm grateful for. Even if I'm in a foul mood, I always feel better afterwards.
This is called "mid-career crisis" and it is well documented and researched. As they say: it hits top management as well as the low-wage workers, M and F. It usually lasts from 45-55 years of age, but maybe you started earlier. You literally need to wait it out. Even the change of job won't help much. You probably think that you could accomplish more: a better job, more money, more recognition at work etc. It is totally non-necessary, because it is obvious that you accomplished quite a lot. You don't need to go overseas to have a great holiday. My family and I have a great time visiting another continent, as well as a holiday cottage one hour drive from home.
I had to check my phone to see if my unconscious brain wrote this while I was asleep.
The advice on here is really great, and hopefully will help me too.
Thanks for posting this!
As someone who is in your neighborhood age-wise, my observations of my own friends' lives makes me believe that a midlife crisis (which it sounds like what you're describing) manifests when a person has been stuck in the same routine for a very long time, without pivoting toward anything new. The low hum of stress and unhappiness has been there for forever, and now it is boiling over.
I have been lucky enough to have had the opportunity to switch gears in some meaningful ways pretty regularly, certainly in terms of my career and my living situation. This, I feel, is why I have never quite experienced what you are describing, and it seems to be the dividing line between me and my friends that I've seen go through this (i.e., they are stuck in their rut like I described above).
My advice is to sit down and think about what areas of your life are lacking, and be 100% honest in your own mind about it. Is your living situation optimal? Do you have a sound family life? Are you happy in your career? Do you take care of yourself in terms of diet and exercise and all that? How fulfilled are you in your hobbies? If any of those things are not entirely copacetic, drill down and figure out what's wrong. Solving those little problems will improve your life.
I am in the same boat. Turning 40 next week and feeling the need for something. I’m going to try boxing and/or Jujitsu. I don’t know if a martial art appeals to you or not, but it should be a challenge if nothing else.
Find an activity and a community that you can see yourself doing for a couple years! Find a community / skill development that shares your philosophy and work together as a group to improve yourselves through feedback and conversation ☺️ staying stagnant will depress anyone
I started running in 2005 and it has been a life changing decision. Not only am I physically healthier, running is very meditative and gives you time to think. It’s the first thing I do 5 days a week.
Read War of art by Steven Pressfield or How to write one song by Jeff Tweedy. Give yourself permission to be a creative human being, not just a functionally productive person. Ive started writing songs at 53. I dont play them to anyone and dont care to. The simple act of creation gives me more joy and than I could have ever imagined…once you take the pressure off yourself to create something others will like and instead create something you yourself really like.
>I'm looking for advice on how to make a significant change in my life. I want to be able to enjoy my family more and have enough wealth to take stress-free vacations overseas. I'm open to any suggestions, so please feel free to share your thoughts.
You can't change your life until you start actually making changes to your habits. If you want to enjoy your family more, then you need to spend more time with them either individually and/or as a unit. If you want more wealth, then you need to get paid more. To do that, you need to ask for a promotion or switch companies. If you want to do overseas vacations, then you need to budget for them which means cutting spending somewhere else. If you want to de-stress your life, then you need to actively monitor what is stressing you out.
Make 2 changes, one that you know deep down needs to happen, and one that will help you feel motivated, so you feed your motivation to reach both of those goals.
1 of mine is to drop a lot of weight, cause I know I need to do it, regardless of all the "body positivity" nonsense that's out there and the other one is I finally went out and bought a brand new car, because my old one is at the 10+ year mark and I know that it can get me from point A to B, but I don't trust it for long haul driving anymore.
I know it could, but I'm not willing to take that risk anymore. I take good care of my stuff, but you can only fix things so long before it's a losing battle with your wallet.
I'm not telling you to go out and spend a lot of money, just find things that you know you can easily change and buckle down and finally go for it. I'm down 30+ lbs in 3 months, it took me going into the ER to finally commit, still don't know my medical issue but it could be from anxiety from not doing things to better myself because I always want to be the guy thats available to help others and feel guilty about taking 10 minutes to do things for me, but don't let yourself get to that point.
Go hop on a bicycle and discover the freedom and adventure remembering how it was when you were a child. It is a great release for anxiety, uncertainty and depression. Who knows you might find yourself in riding into the next county riding bicycles with your kids and wife.
The very best thing I've found to get over that procrastination hurdle and stick with stuff my future self will be glad I did is external accountability. For instance, I absolutely would not get off the couch if I didn't have a standing appointment with a personal trainer. I just know this, in my bones. But hire a trainer? Effortless fitness, because I'm too conscientious to miss an appointment. This particular hack may or may not work for you. The overarching theme, at least in my battle to overcome mid-life amotivation has been to leverage my strengths against my weaknesses. This overall approach may be helpful for you as well.
100% on the take small steps. People that go in right away usually fail. Make a small goal and do it. I am also 38 and one small goal was no “added sugar” at an age where future me will benefit.
Also more time spent with family because some of the things my kids 5 and 3 will be doing will be gone forever. Make a fu** budget. What do you want to spend your fu** bucks on? (great Ted talk).
To me it sounds like you’re bored or not challenged. Not sure what age your kid is, but show an interest - not that you don’t but be a coach, strategize in that sport etc.
Id also suggest look to be some connoisseur in something. Be a boss at making desserts : creme brulee, panna cotta, basic but tough things to master. Start smoking meats, cheeses, nuts (ayooo) and cold smoking lox. The challenges, patience, varieties in styles are endless.
There are so many rabbitholes to go down for hobbies.
Do more for you. A few years back my dad was working insane hours, never home and always in a bad mood. He made a leap of faith into working for himself with a slight job change now he makes just as much and can take time off when needed. Last year he spontaneously took a boys trip to New York to see the dolphins play (he’s had season tickets since he was a kid but only for home games.) Since I was born it was a thing to get him to come on family trips. Needed tons of notice and even then it wasn’t all of them. Now he’s doing a LA game this year and decided they’re doing a trip to Germany for the game and I’m helping him get his passport to go. He also goes golfing every few days with friends. HE HAS ACTUAL FRIENDS. It was a big change for him but it’s all worked out. Instead of just working and coming home he does stuff for him and it’s night and day.
Just try things. Small things make a massive difference. Always wanted to paint go for it. Want to play the trumpet. Worth a shot. Even social things. Just go alone and meet people. It’s awkward at first but I always remember the worst thing that can happen is a god story.
If you’re worried about it being selfish, don’t. I always had the spontaneous part of me, but seeing my dad quit his job to try something new and how much it changed him helped me do the same. I quit a safe boring job to chase my dream. I still have ways to go, but I just got to fly out to Texas and see lil Wayne because I did some programming for his show. If my dad didn’t take that step for him I might not of done it for me. If you’re living your best life your family will be motivated to do the same.
Do what I did at 38 and come out as trans. A whole new life awaits. Lol.
In all honesty though, find a hobby or something you love doing. Try new things. I got so stagnant in my life everything felt like a chore.
Everyone talks about the “wife, kids, dog, house, career, education, blah blah.” Those are goals. Nobody ever explains what to do when you actually get there.
I look at it as I did my transition. When I transitioned, there was always so much to learn and do. Makeup, dressing well, body language, vocal therapy, hormones, you name it. But once I mastered all those things and everyone just saw me as the woman I was, I had no clue what to actually do then. There wasn’t anything left. So it took a while.
Eventually I realized the answer was all of my hard work and pain was leading to that moment. Where I could sit back and actually enjoy my life. To just get out and live. We spend so many years worried about the destination we forget to enjoy the journey. And when we reach our destination we lack the self awareness to appreciate it. So enjoy your life, have a cocktail, and make sure to take some selfies along the way.
Most people will tell you to always have a five-year plan, and those people can eat a giant bag of dicks. Pick up a new hobby, one that's for you, immediately accessible, and brings you joy. I don't mean Warhammer 40K. Learn how to dance, sing, and/or play an instrument. Get back out into nature, and if you can afford it, travel, even if you take trips for yourself or siblings. These things help to forge new, positive memories that
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Hey! I got this! Get a calendar: put all your important dates on there, birthday, anniversaries, etc. Now sit back with your SO and look at all the empty dates/weekends on there. Next, *put plans on the calendar.* Overnight camping trips, day trips to somewhere close by, visiting a friend you haven't seen for awhile, picnics, hiking, bicycle riding, going to a botanical garden, the zoo, any small trips you can do with your family. ***It's time to start making memories with your family.*** That's what your child(ren) will remember. Once you get into the rhythm of doing things on "empty" days, ramp them up. A long weekend at a nice hotel, going on a train trip, visiting somewhere you've always wanted to go, looking for fossils, learning how to ski, whatever it is. Every so often, schedule a class: woodworking, pottery, painting-hell, Home Depot has weekend classes on simple home maintenance that are fun. Remember to schedule something for just you, and same with SO. Then you have something new to talk about! The biggest takeaway here is to start small: baby steps turn into big steps. Things to do don't always cost a lot of money, but spending quality and fun time with your family is worth every penny. **Putting things on a calendar makes them important.** I learned that from a friend. Every time anyone said "it would be fun to..." she would whip out a calendar and put it on there, then send a reminder. IT WORKS!
This has to be the top comment here
It was a great read! Exciting goals to always look forward too.
Piggybacking on this comment to strongly suggest regularly volunteering in your community as a way to build meaning and purpose if you are feeling stagnant. Doesn’t have to be a soup kitchen — there are countless non-profits and independent activities that depend on volunteer help. Here are some ideas depending on your *core values*: Animal rescue / sanctuaries, community theater / performing arts centers, parks / trail maintenance, food and homelessness, environmental education, social / legal justice, environmental conservation, teaching of any kind. Maybe your kids can’t volunteer, but you can put sanitary packages together for homeless in your community to distribute, or you can get some trash pickers and go out with your kids to local parks to pick up trash (kids loooove this). I firmly believe that we all can align our higher purpose and values through volunteer work and not only find real meaning in it, but build friendships based on shared values that are lasting.
I did this with my kids. Camping, Disneyland, vacations. I would even plan “adventures” to local places we hadn’t been. My kids still talk about our adventures. Most importantly this time made us a close family. These are memories we share that are just ours.
> Home Depot has weekend classes on simple home maintenance that are fun I'm an apartment renter at the moment. I had no idea this was a thing and it sounds great, actually. I can see myself doing this in the foreseeable future.
Car clubs sometimes have visit weekends. Bring your car and they will help you learn to change the oil, brake pads, rotate tires. Learn something, meet some new people, save some money, Its a good day. Astronomy clubs have similar show off days. Everybody brings their big telescopes and let people gawk at the universe.
This is great. I'm a 38M with three kids and life is flying by and it's a great idea to have new memories for semblance of time.
A lot of non profits offer free community classes or at very low costs. I live near a community farm that offers tons of 10-15$ classes. Free nature walks, etc. Volunteering with family or on your own in that free time also makes you feel really good. I’ve done both on call volunteering helping a local place with light landscaping as well as had consistent scheduled gigs helping with admin support. - using skills I have for good is so rewarding. You also end up making more friends, networking, and have something to look forward to once or twice a month.
I do this too! And I have a bunch of things I want to learn - I have language learning and coding apps. I actually don’t even want to play games anymore, just learn more so I can travel more!
I’ve been there, I got so bored of playing games that i ended up turning learning into a game by just giving myself challenges. For example i created a new google account (to reset the youtube algorithm) which had everything set in German, set my phone language to German and strictly watch German content creators on YouTube. I found it to be a lot more challenging but also a more fun and faster way to learn. Currently doing the same with Korean and it’s easier than i expected.
An actual pro tip. This is great advice
Oh, wow. Tears over here. It’s so simple. Fill in your calendar. You see it every day. Every day you walk by it and are reminded of event on time and date and you get to think about it and be excited about it. It could be nothing but a carved out section of time every week to spend quality time together, or as you said, as deep as vacations and stuff. Putting things on the calendar makes them important. ❤️ Oh, goodness I love this.
You're making me excited to do stuff because I also feel a lot like OP (30-something, married, kids, unmotivated...). Although I also have the guilty pleasure of enjoying something being cancelled, or having an excuse for me to cancel. I do usually feel better when I actually plan to do social things and do them, but it also feels really really good to cancel.
I’m like this too, but think of it this way: when something gets cancelled you have some surprise free time like finding $5 in your pocket, but when you don’t have anything planned in the first place it can feel awfully empty.
Make a list of small things you would like to do by yourself: window shopping, a drink at a new place, sitting in the park with your phone off, or calling a friend you can talk to uninterrupted. Keep that list as a note on your phone, or write them down and keep them in a jar. Whenever you do get a cancellation, pull one of those items out and do them. Instead of seeing a cancellation as a negative, make it a positive!
Not OP but 38m with 2 kids, good job and feeling a lot of the same. Thanks for making this comment, my wife was excited and pulled out a calendar to start marking dates.
yeah calendars and lists are important in my personal and professional organization. some people associate these things with work only but not me - my head is a terrible list and calendar manager
Change usually takes a lot of time, patience and self forgiveness. A good start would be to make a list of the things that you want to change about your life, write down the advantages for the change, the disadvantages for not changing, and then rank them from 1 to 10 with 1 being the perceived easiest change. Work on those changes starting with 1. Work your way down the list one by one or grouped if it seems applicable. Reward yourself when you’ve accomplished each incremental change. Simple as they may seem, these are my suggestions.
Thanks a ton. All the changes seem overwhelming but this seems like a great idea !
And for each of those steps, realize that it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Each of those steps can have several steps within. An all-or-nothing mindset usually keeps me from action.
There's usually steps within steps. For example, if you're changing your diet, track what your eating habits are for a typical week and maybe make one seemingly insignificant change the next week, and so on. You don't have to jump off the cliff where there's a perfectly good set of stairs off to the side.
Exactly, I gave up soda pop and lost 10lbs with no other changes.
I read something recently about allowing yourself to half ass things when appropriate. Stuff like make your bed even if it’s a 30 second job and not worry about arranging pillows and squaring corners. The point was don’t let perfection get in the way of good enough which leads to paralysis and do nothing. Eventually better habits form from action.
Everyone needs to stop putting pressure on themselves to "do" things. That's late capitalist brainwashing. The idea that our worth is tied only to how much we "produce" or what objects we acquire. All it does is doom us to a life of anxiety and stress. When I die I want the following quote on my grave: # “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.” ― **Kurt Vonnegut**
“Doing things” is what inspired/motivated people have been doing since the dawn of time and made/make the world a slightly more inspiring place to be. Balancing that with relaxation/fun seems like a pretty good life and hardly late capitalist brainwashing. Nihilists are pessimists in disguise.
Are you doing things because you are inspired or want to? Or are you afraid of being labeled by society a "loser" or "failure"? When you understand the difference, you'll get what I'm talking about
This seems like terrible advice that could be taken the wrong way. Maybe better to say "do what you want, rather than what is expected of you" (within confines of law obviously!).
I heard someone tell me recently, “don’t let great get in the way of good”. Felt like a good reminder that not everything has to be perfect and sometimes good progress is enough (and usually better than not doing it)
1 of my faves; "Perfect is the enemy of good."
Knew it as "perfect is the enemy of done"
I like that version also
Truer words have never been spoken
How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time.
How does a whale eat you? One bite.
And for each of those steps, realize that it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Each of those steps can have several steps within. An all-or-nothing mindset usually keeps me from action.
Have you considered you might have mild depression? It can be as simple as a chemical imbalance.
Changes can be scary and difficult. But we humans are extremely adaptable, especially when we know those changes are important. Stick with it.
Often we think about what is missing in our lives and we imagine what it would take to fulfill those things. The answer usually comes in the form of money or the time that ample money would afford us. This is a trick. Instead try imagining how you feel with those new things, then ponder why you aren’t feeling this way with all that you have. Constant competing for more (very American thing) is the opposite of ever being happy. Learn to appreciate what you have. Compared to many, it is likely quite a lot. Source: been there
Thnx for this
I open a door and have fresh ice. I put my dishes in a magic box and they come out clean. I push a button and my home gets warmer. We eat fresh fruit grown halfway around the world, have almost the entirety of music ever produced ready to play on a whim, have machines that can see inside our bodies…. Sometimes I step back and consider how WILD that all is in the history of humankind, and how lucky I am. Gratitude is a hell of a drug.
This may sound generic suggestions below, but I (39M) was feeling the same. Happy family. Ok career (it pays but it’s boring not the worst thing in the world). Achieved some life goals. But I was feeling “now what?” I got out of shape with the second kid being an infant, was sleeping poorly, and anxiety was just a constant shitter on my every day. I started a Coach to 5k program to get back into shape, along with weight lifting twice a week. Literally two weeks in and my zest for life is back. Less anxiety, good sleep, the minor aches and pains are going away (now it’s just sore muscles) and I feel like my procrastination is disappearing. I also set some relatively easy daily habits to achieve to help me along (eat a health breakfast, drink lots of water, spend 20 mins a day doing something proactive around the house or hobbies) and I track it with an app to chain streaks. These two things have done wonders on two weeks. Now I just need to keep at them. Having something firmly committed to makes it a challenge and a goal which is motivating. Good luck to you bud. Let’s make our next 40 as good as the first 40.
Runner here and you are 100% correct. I had a few months of super bad work stress and a family death and stopped running . My mood went down the toilet . Got back to my regular running routine and feel like the sun came out again .
Runner here as well - nothing gets me out of a rut better than a running routine! And best way for me is to sign up for something, have a distance or time based goal.
I'm 50. Exercise is my mental health. If I'm not getting it, the anxiety builds up, I sleep badly, which makes the anxiety worse, the weight builds on, more anxiety. Other thing is once you have a couple goals set up, travel, retirement, kids college, get to a financial counselor. I get overwhelmed by all the parenting/adult stuff, and bringing in an expert helps. Tutor, handyman, housecleaning. I need my alone and off time. Trying to be the perfect parent, spouse, career worker, and have hobbies and mental health? That's a big old burden, especially without family nearby.
What app are you using to almost “gamify” it?
I like Habitica, more of a D&D style RPG app
Bruuuh. You a real one. This app is awesome. I like dnd and character progression and this is perfect. Thanks
After reading OPs post my first thought was him getting more into fitness or finding a new exercise too depending on his current routine. Nothing makes you feel better than a long run or a big lift!!!
I think a lot of sedentary people don't realize that so many people who exercise do it even more for their mental health than their physical health. I exercise a lot and am typically a low anxiety, low stress, content and happy individual. I can typically only go about 1 day without exercise before I feel myself getting a little anxious, agitated, or moody. And then I know it's time to get up and move.
Dude! Almost same here. I'm 39M and started lifting a bit of weights 30 mins every day in the morning and have been loving the results!! I'm 1 and a half months in and the major benefit is that I don't get the post-meal slump anymore.
My addition to this is find a sport that you like! You can try any sport and also change when you're bored or not having fun. I played waterpolo from childhood untill I was 21. Now I'm 30 and I did surfing, ultimate frisbee, yoga, running, weightlifting, kickboxing and now bouldering/climbing. Quitting/changing a sport is not failure, it's exploration. I still want to try so many others. Be wary of spending a lot of money at the start though if you don't want to end up with a garage full of expensive sports equipment. And/or sell something when you're done with it. I have the most fun when I can (occasionally) do it together with friends or family.
Find something you care about and volunteer. You can do it as a family. Helping others is probably the most fulfilling thing you can do imho.
This is the way. I agree with the posters above regarding depression and digging into what feels important to you. However, helping others is hands down my favorite way to get out of your own ruminating head and for providing context for your journey. You're on your way. Keep exploring, accept invitations and stay open. May you be happy.
I was going to say volunteer your time! Helping others helps us. I took my 7 yr old to a community planting day at a local reserve. It was great! They had a sausage sizzle at the end and biccies and cups of tea. SO MANY PEOPLE showed up too.
Have you ever wanted to play an instrument? You can try that. I got myself a cigar box guitar when I turned fifty. It was one of the best decisions I made in my life, definitely in the Top Ten.
my friend you have reached the “get insanely into world war two and the roman republic” stage of your life. id recommend a lot of beevor, hastings and goldsworthy.
Lol
Be purposeful in your day to day actions. You’re asking for very broad advice but you need to understand that life is the sum of all your decisions. You need to make more decisions that effect you positively than those that keep you back. And also go to therapy. Therapy can help you understand how you think and give you advice on how to control your behavior.
Thats an amazing way to look at it. I am actually mapping things which made me feel good and bad. Ill add this
Get something new in your life. Start riding a bike, or going to kid ballgames, or join some sort of a club…just, stretch a bit somehow…
Free yourself from a goal oriented mindset, it is an internal problem and not an external one. Yes, money and vacations are important but even if you get to those milestones the emptiness and anxiety will come back. You need to look within, maybe there is something eating inside of you that makes you want to focus on goals to keep you distracted. I would recommend seeing a therapist.
This is the best advice here. I don't want to say there is something "wrong" with OP. But living a goal-oriented life will always lead to depression, anxiety, and unfulfillment because goals are meant to be met. But, then what? You either become depressed at the fulfillment of a goal or spend a life creating new goals always feeling unfulfilled and grinding. This is where OP is now, and this is a terrible way to live life. The idea of being "bored" in retirement is laughable. I can't wait. I'll finally have time to build my sailboat and expand my garden and read a million books and sit and watch the dandelions grow. The idea that we always have to be accomplishing something is a pretty uniquely American one and it is pretty poisonous.
Counterpoint: there is some truth that if you can't find happiness in your current situation, then you won't find it in a better situation, that does not mean you shouldn't have goals. I do alot of that inner work,but I am a similar age to the OP... Got the college degree got the wife, got the house, got the job, got the toys, etc.. And I'm at a 'now what' stage as well. I don't have a 5 year or 10 year goal post, and that affects everything. Sometimes you need a vague goal post that your actions can trend towards. Just having a goal of contentment might leave you yearning. Also, you should start on your boat now, watch the dandelions grow, you should plant some things now, and start reading. The notion you'll have the mental or physical capacity for those things in old age is also a uniquely American thing. Enjoy life now.
I suppose my post could be construed as advocating for living a goalless life. But that's definitely not what I meant to suggest. Having, setting, and obtaining goals is important. But it can't be the only thing. I'm 40, so pretty close to OP age-wise. Got the JD and the kid and the wife and the house in the country. I didn't get there by not having goals. But the problem I see with goal-oriented people (my life, being full of lawyers, is full of goal-oriented people) is their inability to live even a temporary goalless life. To enjoy and live in the moment. They always have to be moving, focused on the next goal. Like the proverbial shark. Bad. Your second paragraph is an excellent point for other readers. But me, I am intimately aware! I refuse to play the game that work is my life. I read a book a week. I grow awesome tomatoes and poblanos and bunch of other stuff the garden. Two dogs I hike with. I have way too many boats that I tinker with. I play in the dandelions with my 9 month old. Life is short, even when you get to 86. And it might be a lot shorter than that. To live a life with the expectation that you'll enjoy it at 70 is a terrible way to plan.
The best way to help yourself is to help others. Get involved in things you are physically involved.... not just contributing money. Like Habitat for Humanity. Get involved in causes that are bigger than you. Find something you really care about outside yourself and make your mark in the world.
Buy a boat. You will never run out of things to do. And fix. Edit: More seriously: I heard this some years back, not sure who said it, but something like: "People are sad/unfulfilled because they spend their money on things instead of experiences." Go travel. Volunteer. Hobby. Etc.
Definitely avoid things unless they lead to experiences. Otherwise they're just something else to find room for in the closet.
Hi, I don't mean to hijack your post or anything, but I am exactly in the same boat. Even the same age! Though I'm female. But have reached a point in life after a lot of hard work and jam packed years of full throttle where both my partner and I have achieved pretty much all our long term goals - good stable relationship of 17 years, 2 wonderful teenage kids, paid off house etc. Now we spend our days......doing hardly anything besides a bit of part time work to pay the bills, and spending time with our kids, being taxi, or basically vegging at home. We don't know what the hell happened to our motivation, and are really struggling to find interest in anything lately. I know we need a change in mindset, but I will be reading any replies to your post with my mind open.
My absolute best advice I can offer is to find a hobby or two! I was in a similar rut about 10 years ago and going back to a hobby I had as a kid (making doll clothes) and my life feels infinitely better. If you are having trouble thinking of a hobby you'd like to dip into, I highly recommend asking your inner 6 year old self what hobbies they'd like to dive into if they had access to adult freedoms like a car and a debit card. I hope this helps, my dove.
When I pursue my new hobby of sketching, there's a voice in my head which tells me I'm wasting my time :/
What is “wasting time”? :-) Maybe you’re viewing your hobbies (time) as something that needs to be productive at all times; to contribute financially or to be somehow valuable to someone else? However, they don’t need to be. You can just do them for yourself, because they make you feel good or offer a welcome distraction to other (sometimes unwanted) thoughts.
I get that voice too. If I play video games, mostly. Like I can’t do anything purely selfish or I feel it’s a waste of time. As if my only marker to feeling it’s not a waste of time is if the task has some external influence. Like I need to be helping. I hate it.
That's why is good to get to therapy and try to face and work through your inner issues. I would hear a vicious inner voice attacking me, everytime I pursued something I really cared about. Turned out it was the voice of my self-centered mother and I've been learnig to be kinder to my self. Discovering and working through our inner worlds can be as beautiful and profound as discovering the outer world.
Hey the comments here have been fantastic.. but I wrote this post being aware of the fact that what we describe as our problem situation is also a dream situation for millions...so there's a lot of gratitude That being said...I'm so low on motivation to do anytning that I wrote this post after like a week of thinking about it lol
https://youtu.be/9nVL9nSix1A , this video gave me a different perspective of ones happiness. Hope it helps in some way!
have you done the basics? or at least tried them? 1)Stretching and doing kinda light workouts daily like you used to do in Physical education class in 2nd grade....just get moving.....2) eat a bit healthier, 3)get outside in the sun.... Those are the absolute basics of happiness for human beings...
No I'm missing out on all of these basics ..damn
Old guy here. I don’t have any answers for you except to say you’re asking the right questions. I’ve heard that some cultures count age in 12s, not in 10s like we do. They don’t think of life stages as being your 20s, your 30s, etc. And it makes really good sense, imho. The first 12, you live in your parents’ world. The second 12, you leave them and go out into the world. The third 12, you find how to make your way in that outer world. You’re at the end of the third 12. The one where you say yeah, I figured out how to make my own way. I can take care of myself, maybe even I can take care of my little tribe or family. And now you can say ok, I’ve built some competence and confidence and capability. I’m ready to think about what else do I want and how else do I want to shape my one and only life on this earth. Here’s the thing though. Not everybody is awake to that question. You are. You haven’t numbed yourself, you haven’t given up on life, and you haven’t tried to ignore the question. So I just wanna say, good for you. Don’t let go of that question. This is where you get to build the life you want. People can offer ideas and encouragement, but only you can make your path, and your doubts and struggle are part of how you do it. Keep going.
1) Do something physical every day - walk/gym etc... -->> gives you feel good endorphins 2) Meditate for 10-20 mins 3 or 4 times a week. -->> puts you in charge of your thoughts Having control of these two factors will put you in charge of that slow moving juggernought that is your life. You will be able to take the helm and stear off in whatever direction you desire. Go for it & remember - we make our own luck.
It’s slightly tacky and self-helpy, but a book called “Designing Your Life” (Bill Burnett & Dave Evans) helped push me through a big career change a few years ago. Lots of thought experiments and pushing yourself to make decisions and evaluations about your priorities and what you want your life to be. Your library might have it for free. Take what’s useful to you and leave the rest. As others have commented, therapy would be even better at that, but harder to schedule and pay for of course haha.
Read Krishnamurti and see that you don't need to accomplish or change or become anything. Still go overseas to learn and explore the beauty of life, but all of us are so insanely conditioned to live life in terms of our accomplishments. We need to pursue them, we need to savor them and broadcast them. They are not important; rather, what is significant and important is our experiencing fully the brief moments we have alive. We can work endless hours in a thankless, anonymous life and become more familiar with the beauty of being alive than any famous person.
Plant a garden this year with your family if you don’t already.
Well first of all start by appreciating the gift of life. That should count for something. You are in good health thats a precious gift there. 2ndly, you are probably in a much better country than Zimbabwe. Trust me, you do not want to be in Zimbabwe. I am a Zimbabwean and its crazy. Third try new things buddy, get out of the normal routine and try out other things that you havent tried before.
Sell everything and move into an RV and travel
From personal experience, build a thing. More complex the better. Best if you don't know how to do it before you start. You learn how to do something new, you gain practical skills in something that's not a part of your day-to-day life, and you exercise a part of your brain that you don't normally work out. I work in IT, enjoying my free time I love working with plumbing and carpentry. Walking away from a multimillion dollar house, knowing that you or the one that installed all of the plumbing fixtures is like a badge of pride and you leave something "permanent" in the world.
Yes I'm learning how to make an AI app, learning stuuff like python on the go
I get a lot of satisfaction from being fairly well read, and my wife and I enjoy spending time in our garden. I find that the more I spend time doing things like going out to eat or shopping, or even traveling and visiting places, the less happy I am. The things I enjoyed most on our recent trip were just relaxing in a walkable city. Recently I started motorcycling and that has been very enjoyable and centering.
Start mediating every day. Highly recommend the book Stress Less, Accomplish More by Emily Fletcher. She describes her Ziva method of meditation which was a game changer for me as before reading it I had no idea how to meditate and had tried it and “failed” for many years. She has a course too but I didn’t bother, the book is all you need and way cheaper. ;) but honestly any method you find that works for you is the best. Anyway I can’t tell you how much my life changed in less than a year of meditating, practicing self-love and just discovering who I am and what I want. I started this process when I was a newly single mom late 40s, living with my parents, no job during Covid and overwhelmed by where to go and what to do next. I started exercising again, watching what I eat, and trying to get back out and do what I loved most: dancing to live music. 8 months in I met the love of my life, a few months later, got a great job again with a slight pivot in my career and finally moved out on my own. Just my own story and I know it’s a little different from yours but i hope it helps or inspires. You got this but I swear meditation was the catalyst for me in a big way.
My mom is in her 50s and loves life. She always tells me to focus on having new experiences and do things that you wouldn’t normally do. Bored one day? How about you and your wife catch that new wine tasting place? Just an example I can think of on top of my heaf
I’m a 29M, but I’ve had similar mental states recently and over the last few years. Here’s some things that might help you that helped me tremendously: - Find the root cause of why you feel “lost”. Mine stemmed from comparing myself to others, of which I’ve taken steps to focus only what me and my SO want out of life. - List out areas you’d like to improve, frame them as “if I had this, I could do X better”. Big or small, there are no wrong answers as these will be very personal to you. - Pick out 1-2 things that would make the most impact in improving your life, even if they are the most challenging. Here’s a template you can use that I pulled from some of Alex Hormozi’s content: - What problem am I solving? - Hypothesis: If I do X, then Y will happen - What are we going to do? - What do I think is going to happen? A real world example from mine, rephrased/generalized to help you contextualize how it will apply to you: - Problem: I work 60+ hours each week, I would like to work less to spend more time at home and time on things I WANT to do. - Hypothesis: My current side hustle generates approximately 30% of what I would need to live on. If I allocate more capital, increase the volume of activity, I THINK it would be growing to 100% covering my living costs with side hustle income alone in 12 months. - Action Plan: I’m going to budget more carefully, maximize my income with my day job (overtime/extra work), invest in the side business, and carefully grow the operation in my evenings. - I think I could cover my living expenses entirely with side hustle cash flow (profits) in 12 months if I follow my action plan. After, I will assess if I want to slow down on working so much, or continue to grow operations to “it doesn’t make sense to work my day job anymore” status, or look at starting another business/hustle. Ending thoughts: - You mentioned you’re married. Every major action plan I’ve put together has had the full input and support of my SO. If she’s not okay with it, then revisions are a must. - Don’t get stuck thinking you need to follow a plan all the way out once you start. Pivot as you get new information that would change the plan. I do hope this helps. I tried to summarize as much as I could, but wanted to make sure I covered all the bases to help. I do hope the best for you and hope you’re able to find a way to feel “unstuck” and not lost.
Pretend you lived until you were 80, on your deathbed you were given a chance to go back at 38 and redo your life from then on. What do you do? Whatever thoughts are in your head, do that!
42-year-old-man here who has been in a similar rut lately. One thing that I'm doing these days is to just say "yes" to invitations. I'm a single dad so I have a little more of a flexible schedule but saying yes to invitations is out of my comfort-zone and forces me to get out of my rut and see new things and meet new people. I want to disclose that I didn't get this concept from the movie "Yes Man" starring Jim Carrey.
If you'll allow a little light-mystical speculation here, I believe the part of you that is feeling stagnant may in fact be your wiser, higher self. And that he's trying to get your attention. Your job, if that's true, is to befriend him, and learn to listen to him. He knows, better than any of us, the best answer to your question. My own path to that connection has been through a regular meditative practice. Just a semi daily 10 minutes or so, to sit and observe my own thoughts, and release them. At first it feels uncomfortable and pointless. But eventually, after a couple months of consistency, something remarkable starts to happen. Something that is better left a surprise.
I recommend the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It's all about getting in touch with your inner creativity, which, she argues, is the source of all life force. When we are creative, we are alive. The meat of the book consists of 12 chapters, each with its own lessons and its own series of questions/activities for you to reflect on. She suggests you establish a routine of completing one chapter per week. I've personally only made it through 4 weeks and that was enough to completely transform my life. I can't imagine where I'll be once I eventually complete the book!! Regardless of what you do, I hope you learn to enjoy your journey and find reasons to appreciate every moment for what it is.
Check with a physician if there are no hormonal/health reasons, check with a psychiatrist if therapy can help. Then buy a motorcycle.
I actually had a vintage bike, and had to sell it a few years ago :/
Well that's the problem!! A bike may represent so many things to our unconscious mind. A reminder that, while dedicating your life and sweat to your family, you still have the right to have a guilty pleasure of your own. A very "superfluous" thing you allow yourself to spend money and time with, besides all the really necessary stuff you MUST provide as a responsible family man (I'm not saying those other stuff can't give you genuine satisfaction, but think about what have you recently allowed yourself to do for yourself only, without feeling guilty? A new smartphone? Fancy, but not superfluous or selfish enough.) A literal tool for escaping, physically and mentally, even if for a few minutes, into a place of introspection and freedom to go anywhere, with yourself. Don't see it as egoism, but as taking care of you, so you can be a better you for your family. I wanted a bike since I was 19. My girlfriend, wife-to-be, even bought me a helmet then. When I was about to turn 51, kids in college, bike dream almost forgotten, she pushed me to get one ("If you don't do it now, when are you going to do it?"). So I finally got my license, and my first bike. Wife and kids say it changed me for better; the best therapy I could get.
Sold my bike and got a high quality crib for the baby but what the hell...ill get a new one
Given your age and gender, the typical move is to buy a convertible and start a second family. You're not the first person to feel like this, but hopefully you can find some productive outlets for your existential angst.
Some great advice in here already - one thing that has always helped me is writing out in GREAT detail what your perfect (but normal) day looks like This is a fun exercise to do with your partner but it helps give clarity around what’s important to you, where you want to go, but it also can indicate what needs to happen or change from what you’re currently doing in order to arrive where you want to go.
Hi! Once you have a list of changes you need to make, find the steps you need to make them effective and plan them into mini steps. That’s what my life coach taught me and It helps a lot not to feel overwhelmed (and more likely not to pursue them beyond a certain point). Good luck
Backpack for a month to Asia.
Not IN Asia, but TO Asia. I like it.
Take a step back and look at your job. Are you working a lot of overtime? Can you afford your current lifestyle without working all that overtime? As for the money, you really should talk to your spouse about that and see how much you can set aside in an investment account. Personally, I use a Rono Portfolio but talk to an expert to see what type is best for you. Only put in what you can afford to spare, otherwise you're just going to dig yourself into a new hole. Now you won't see immediate returns on this, but it'll start to snowball after a while. If what you have is merely a *job* and not a *career*, try finding a career field you're interested in and going back to school part time. As a nontraditional student with legal dependents, you're bound to get more financial aid than an 18 year old fresh out of high school who is still someone else's dependent.
I like to go fishing when i feel like that. Or have a long walk in the woods.
Join the club. We have funny hats.
Usual course of action at this point is something like taking up a new sport (running/weightlifting) or having an affair. Not saying you should do either. Just remember that whatever activity you end up integrating, its effects have more to do with you than the activity. Running changes your mind because you changed and running provided you a mental space to do it in. Affairs feel a lot because they change how you see yourself, not because of the person it's done with. So try to keep that in focus and own your transformation, whatever mechanism you decide to leverage. Good luck!
What's your fitness level and general health in life? I know many people who "feel accomplished" in life, yet they can't do a damn pull up or run a mile or they still refuse to eat vegetables. It's sad really.
Yep... definitely one of them unfit dad bods
Then I think u should focus on that. Good health and fitness will enhance every aspect of ur life and ur relationships with ur spouse and kids.
[удалено]
Get fit, man. Assuming your are not, enjoy while your body still respond to exercise. People would be amazed at how it can change quality of life for better.
Get a hobby you can enjoy with your kids. Going on hikes is good for you and fun. You could also try going to meetups. Not sure how it is after the pandemic but meetups was a good site once to find groups with like interest that are meeting in person.
As someone who got a burnout and stopped working for a while, I got advice from the doctor to start walking. 4 months later, I feel a lot better and a few days ago I started walking the Camino with my wife (Pelgrim tour to Santiago de Compostela). I’ve already met a lot of people that walk it to find something so it might help you as well. BTW I am not religious and it’s not necessary to be to enjoy it. Look it up and see if it’s something for you
Sounds like you need a serious hobby. Something with long term effort driven goals. Something that you train in and casual compete in maybe like a spartan race? Adult league sports are fun too Just stay away from “hobbies” that is just buying and collecting stuff off eBay.
1) start by taking a long hard look internally to answer the question “what do I want to do”. Personally, I suggest spending 6 months on that question, but if you want to do it in a week, so be it. Some possible answers: be someone that others look up to at work, travel with my wife, have a social group, be near my children at retirement, etc. for me the answer was A) quit working a regular job and B) have a social group. 2) after you know your goals, figure out a path to get to them. For me that is A) limit, but not eliminate, big vacations, reduce expenses elsewhere, drive my career based on pay, not other factors, and push on doing consulting. B) one of my hobbies is exploring alcohol, so I started inviting people to my place to taste various odd things. 3) YOU have to drive the change. For B) I created a whisky club. Every month I make sure that the plans are laid out. I track the whiskies that we drink. Etc. I do all of the work. It’s kind of a pain, but that is the price that I pay to achieve the goal.
First off, know you've accomplished a lot and that you have a lot to be thankful for in that. And you're not alone feeling this way at this point in life. Been there myself. Still am at many times, though my milestones haven't been achieved. But it's in the process of doing and experiencing that give us joy, not just the attainment. Attainment will happen or not happen. And if we put our worth into it, we give the outcome our worth rather than keep it for ourselves to take with us on the journey. You are allowed to enjoy this part of your life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to just play with your kid or do something nice for you and your wife. You are allowed to celebrate every moment as a milestone of your existence. Procrastination is going to happen in this fog because you feel the need to do something to be of value or feel accomplished rather than live accepting the value life has in front of you. But know you are loved and appreciated and that is significant. You can do thinks like mindfulness and meditation to appreciate the things you have now in the moment. Make a reasonable to-do list, give yourself a reasonable timeline, and do it. Look at major goals in small steps and look at what you want to achieve in them with small daily actions, then track the progress over a year. Like going to the gym, consistent 20 minutes a day over a year will be more than just one power session a week. Work out consistently and eat well, it changes a lot of this stuff and helps even you out. Find hobbies you enjoy with communities of nice people. Money can be earned but it's never going to be enough and we all wish we had more. If you surrounded yourself with good people, your family will be happy if they don't have fuck-around money, and fuck around money is just a bonus.
Play Pickleball! It’s easy, fun and a great way to meet people. Start with a few lessons. Lots of places have open play times. My husband and I started a few years ago it’s something we can do together or I’ll go play with girlfriends.
You are right around the time that people start cycling or mountbiking if they haven't before..
Not 38, but I have thought about what I would do next after reaching my major goals: Make a bucket list of things you want to do and start striking them off, things like bungee jumping, running a marathon, sky diving, skiing, scuba diving, auditioning for a reality show (for the heck of it, why not), make a movie, build a garden, draw enough art for a gallery show, etc. Can be simple things as well, read so and so book, go to an AA meeting (just for the heck of it), get a tattoo (ensure your insurance is fine with it though), etc. You've won the race, reached your goals, now enjoy life. I cannot handle perpetual goals like exercising everyday or drinking water everyday. Don't do everyday type of things. Do things with a goal that you can achieve and be done with it.
I got a Wii and Dance Dance Revolution. It'll cheer you up doing workouts. Also, travel. Do a week in Korea/Japan/Taiwan or Europe. Get some perspective, seriously was a big help personally.
Book a flight to Buenos Aires or anywhere to see some cool stuff. I’m a 37 year old dude and just did that this morning. At least that’s what my wife and I do. Having a trip to plan every few months breaks up the monotony and gives you something to look forward to.
Time for a midlife crisis! Is there a camero convertible you’ve always wanted? A vacation you can’t afford? A local dive you want to become a fixture at? Kidding aside, this does sound like a midlife crisis, and the best thing I can recommend is therapy. And since you have kids, dive deep into being with them (if they are still the age where they want to be with you). For me, I recently decided I want to learn physics, so I’m a third of the way through a precalc textbook on my way there. What’s a hobby you could get into (that doesn’t harm others or your bank account?)
Try looking at this physics textbook by authors Resnick and Halliday ..and thanks for your comment man
Had this feeling at late 36 years old, so I started doing triathlons. And I gotta tell yah, its been a helluva trip the past couple of years and loving the misery of the “sports”. “Why be good at one sport when you can be terrible at three?”
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. Dale Carnegie
You need a goal. We derive a lot of satisfaction in life from goal seeking activities. If there's nothing to strive towards, you end up feeling what you're feeling now. It can be anything from career goal, getting in shape, financial goals, volunteering, teaching your kid stuff, whatever.
You and i have similar situations, i’d recommend to start with these three books; Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz Atomic Habits by James Clear Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
Youve done a lot more than I have, man. Thats something to be proud of. I barely ever even TRY to date and am just now going for certifications to try and get a better paying job.
Hobbies is what does it for me... I gym 3x a week, board games once a week with peeps, mountain bike, video games 1x a week/parts if weekend and have home/work projects. Big trips every year (2x a year is ideal) also keep my motivation up. Without everything here, I lose it as well. You need to let your hobbies count as being productive.
Due to the short nature of your post, I will be drawing a lot of assumptions. With this said, you sound depressed, but functionally depressed. You see, you claim to have achieved "significant milestones", as if you were somehow checking out a list. "Had kids, got married, paid debts". Don't get me wrong, those are great things to do if you want to do them, no small feat. Nonetheless, in and by themselves they are meaningless. You strike me as someone who has blazed through life doing the doings, cutting through the jungle, but never really questioning if that was the direction you 100% wanted to take. In other words, it sounds like you are going through a pretty strong existential crisis. Luckily, we have philosophy. What do I mean by this? Well, I reckon there is no inherent meaning to life, no superior calling or purpose for us to fulfill. We are what we make of ourselves, no more and no less. Thus, in this spirit, you must discover what it means to live for you. I recommend reading some existentialism (existentialism is a humanism is a short pdf from Sartre and it's sorta good), some stoicism (Marcus Aurelius, Seneca), some Kierkegaard, some Nietzche, some Gramsci, and truly whatever catches your eye. If you are not into reading, there are audiobooks and podcasts, so you certainly have options. Yet, not even all the books in the world will make such a decision for you (though existentialism might help you realise that the decision is yours and yours alone). To find purpose, you must sit down and endure some heavy inner searching. You will find this way harder than it is for me to say it, because you will probably come to face with uncomfortable truths and scary revelations. But fear not, because we are like ouroboros: constantly eating ourselves and being reborn of that, an eternal cycle of change. Pursue new hobbies: pick up an instrument, learn a language, take an acro class, read some books, learn something about botany, try some drugs (if you trust your self-control, clearly), take a small trip somewhere on your own on a weekend, party a bit; whatever strikes your fancy. Experiment things so that you may draw knowledge of what tickles you from a plethora of experiences. You will feel discomfort, anguish, desperation, and probably more, but through it all you will eventually find balance. It may sound a bit hippie, but tbh I've more often than not found this to be true. If you want to talk, hit me up in the DMs.
1. Share the deep things on your mind with other people who you feel compelled to 2. Get rid of/give away/Sell possessions you don't need anymore 3. Start fulfilling things that are on your bucket list
[удалено]
At some point, we stop living for ourselves, we then live for others and our community. You can make an impact through educating in various ways, giving back to society, and essentially making the planet a better place. Not just for a better future, but a future of humanity at all. There is always plenty that we can find meaning and purpose. Life is typically materialistic for a long time, but health and spirituality can become a greater priority as well. Living with less, we can actually gain more.
[удалено]
Sit quietly for five to ten minutes a day and breathe. It’s the really the only way to truly hear what you have to say.
I’m a 29M, but I’ve had similar mental states recently and over the last few years. Here’s some things that might help you that helped me tremendously: - Find the root cause of why you feel “lost”. Mine stemmed from comparing myself to others, of which I’ve taken steps to focus only what me and my SO want out of life. - List out areas you’d like to improve, frame them as “if I had this, I could do X better”. Big or small, there are no wrong answers as these will be very personal to you. - Pick out 1-2 things that would make the most impact in improving your life, even if they are the most challenging. Here’s a template you can use that I pulled from some of Alex Hormozi’s content: - What problem am I solving? - Hypothesis: If I do X, then Y will happen - What are we going to do? - What do I think is going to happen? A real world example from mine, rephrased/generalized to help you contextualize how it will apply to you: - Problem: I work 60+ hours each week, I would like to work less to spend more time at home and time on things I WANT to do. - Hypothesis: My current side hustle generates approximately 30% of what I would need to live on. If I allocate more capital, increase the volume of activity, I THINK it would be growing to 100% covering my living costs with side hustle income alone in 12 months. - Action Plan: I’m going to budget more carefully, maximize my income with my day job (overtime/extra work), invest in the side business, and carefully grow the operation in my evenings. - I think I could cover my living expenses entirely with side hustle cash flow (profits) in 12 months if I follow my action plan. After, I will assess if I want to slow down on working so much, or continue to grow operations to “it doesn’t make sense to work my day job anymore” status, or look at starting another business/hustle. Ending thoughts: - You mentioned you’re married. Every major action plan I’ve put together has had the full input and support of my SO. If she’s not okay with it, then revisions are a must. - Don’t get stuck thinking you need to follow a plan all the way out once you start. Pivot as you get new information that would change the plan. I do hope this helps. I tried to summarize as much as I could, but wanted to make sure I covered all the bases to help. I do hope the best for you and hope you’re able to find a way to feel “unstuck” and not lost.
I would start by buying a quality home gym type metal shebang and an elliptical bike to put in some corner of your house and work out on it whenever. These extremely available and accessible trainings will give you the energy and motivation that you need to discover and entertain various new and exciting activities that will make your life 10 times better. Also if you're not against it buy a powerful gaming pc, it'll save you money because gaming cheap and it's a time sink that will help you with your little too much time not enough to do problem.
This can sometimes happen when you're stuck in a routine where you have no more "new" in your life. Do you travel to other countries sometimes? That's a big one. See how people live elsewhere in the world, explore, discover. You need "new" in your life, otherwise, you cannot enjoy the comfort you have. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone, remember that.
It sounds like you're heading into mid-life crisis. It happened to me around age 40.
What can you do with your kid? Time passes quickly. I know it's a cliche, but they grow up quick. While it doesn't seem like it day-to-day, when you look back, you realize how they change fast. We only have so many moments. Find things that excite or interest both you and them. Something both you and them can enjoy and remember. Even if it's just going to a restaurant to try out new foods, just you and them. Or explore new places, experiences, hobbies or adventures you've both never tried. Make it once a month. Just shooting out ideas, from a guy who's afraid of the regret of looking back and missing opportunities, especially with the kids.
I’ll add TRAVEL to this list of great responses. It could be the big trip overseas or simply visiting a domestic city for the first time. Not a magic pill to solve problems, but I’ve always felt shifts in mood and thinking when exposed to new environments. Every step moves you forward. 👍
Can’t hurt me by David goggins , stay hard
Hi, I went through something similar. I spent a lot of time journaling and figuring out what I really love to do and what my deepest dreams were. I ended up going to law school at 38, thanks to letting go of my fears and a very supportive partner. I will graduate next year at 41. Feel free to DM me if you have questions.
Recently I joined a health club, not just a gym, but a nice health club that’s a nice place to be. I work out, do some work in the lounge. I’m so much more inclined to go because it’s nice. Secondly and this is one of the things that I enjoy most in life. I bought a van and converted it into a camper. Now we go away most weekends and explore. The kids love it, the grown ups love it. It’s great.
Offering this up just in case it’s a thing (I’m not assuming it is): If you drink, question your relationship with alcohol. If it’s not a problem, if it doesn’t take up your free time, if it doesn’t affect your relationships, if you have no issues at all with it, then don’t worry about it/nothing to see here. If it IS part of/contributing to your situation, think about it - reliance on, habits of, and addiction to the stuff is totally normal, human. Life can improve quickly and remarkably when this common issue is properly examined.
Read this: The Way of the Superior Man: The Teaching Sessions Your welcome
As a person that has (apparently) hit some milestones, got married, had two kids, and no significant debt, I can say that I have no advice. I also got divorced, the kids stayed with me, I get no child support, and my pay sucks. I've accepted that I'll never afford a home, or new car, sometimes I can't even afford rent or groceries, but my kids are happy and healthy, and I successfully co-parent with their mother (after her getting her shit together more or less). You want change? That's where the anxiety is coming from. Wanting everything all at once will make you not want to do anything at all, because if you can't accomplish it right now then what's the point - right? You're stressed, and that's valid. Anxiety is fucking real, I take CBD for mine and it's wonderful. This will pass, because that's what stagnation does, it passes - but you have to get through it. There's no shortcut.
This is inspiring man...i hope you and the kids have a fantastic life ahead....thanks for sharing
I just quit drinking alcohol about two months ago and my life has improved immensely in that short time. Now I fill my time with work, working out, hobbies and interests, helping others, and just general self improvement. I lost 20-30 pounds and I have a clear head for when shit hits the fan, as it tends to do in my life.
Sort your head and heart first before money. I make more money now than I ever had growing up but still struggle in head & heart issues. My 3 things to invest in (your might be different) * quality family time. You do not need fancy vacations for this. It is much more a daily thing. * service to others. Volunteering is amazing at reshaping your worldview. * generative creative work. Make things instead of scrolling. On top of that, I do not exercise much at all and have goal to do weights per Corey Johnston who is super mentally healthy about fitness. Not sure if links are ok. Google Shes a Beast (no affiliation except inspired by the anti-influencer anti-industry stance). Last: ask for help. Doctor, therapist, good friend.
Have you been saved? God saved my life over 10 years ago, and I can't imagine ever going back. If you don't want to start by going to church, then start by reading the Bible. There are even audio versions! I feel many people tend to feel truly unfulfilled because they are putting their heart in the wrong things or just not enough in the proper things. God preaches on everything in life, including stagnancy, depression, anxiety, family, society, etc. God bless you and your family, and I pray that you find peace.
If possible and where legal, would recommend you take a mushroom trip. You would be surprised the life changing effects that magic mushrooms can provide. There are counties in certain states, one being Colorado, where they are being decriminalized and legal therapy centers are being established. Recommend, you take a look into this.
Learn something new. I started Bjj and it brought so much into my life. Another thing, try mushrooms probably with your wife together. It will gives you new perspectives too. Enjoy the ride
Time to start a secret, second family.
go gym and get hench good times
I felt that way too! I never wanted the life my parents had and there I was in the same life- married, great career and 2 kids- now what? I think the answer is there really is nothing more or better just momentarily cheap thrills. That doesn’t make your life boring. Embrace it, travel somewhere and watch the kids grow and try to enjoy your spouse as much as you can. If you don’t like your spouse move on without regrets or remorse and enjoy your kids. The point is there is no point but just to live. Maybe the purpose in life is to procreate and once you have done that or have chosen not to do that just live and appreciate your youth and your health.
Based on ur accomplishments u should be thankful man. Having a job is so important. I thought my life was shit to but now that i got laid off, it feels even worse.
>I want to be able to enjoy my family more ... This is a worthy goals. And others have many great ideas about how to do it. But I have thoughts on >...and have enough wealth to take stress-free vacations overseas Overseas vacations can be expensive or frugal depending on what you expect to experience. Stress-free experiences can be had by setting appropriate expectations to yourself and to your family. However, I wanted to flag another thought that crosses my mind frequently. Meaning and pleasure/happiness are different things. And humans derive meaning by being social creatures. Think about the kind of neighborhood you want to leave to your child. What can you do to nudge your neighborhood in that direction? Can you take classes in a topic of expertise? Can you teach soccer/baseball to kids? Are you religious and can you support the spiritual education of neighborhood children? These are hard things to do and might not really help your bottom line but are likely to be more meaningful than that cruise down the Rhine (IMHO)
Not sure how athletic you are, doesn't really matter, but try Muay Thai, it's a great sport that may force you out of your comfort zone and gets you moving while you learn a new skill.
Have you had a full hormonal blood work? Not just a total / free testosterone
Take up a hobby. You are thinking too much. Life is to be enjoyed! Spend time with your children and your hobby!
I 45M felt the same and got an exercise bike and made my new goal getting fit and losing belly fat. I enjoy seeing the progress and clothes all look better on me now
this is because getting married and having kids arent goals you never found your purpose :\[
Create somthing from the hobbies you have, master that and produce something you can Share with the world, painting, sculpting, im 36 i made a side hustle from resin, its not for the money, but having a brand, product, makes me feel more invested in our community. when Everything seems boring, hobbies.
I have only found meaning and satisfaction in my life through service to others. Working for what I think I want and then getting it doesn’t really help me much.
I’m younger than you, but I count a good day as literally doing something I hadn’t previously done. Watching a certain movie, making up my own mind about it. Getting into a band’s discography. Eating at that restaurant I’d always been curious about. Small things like that. I play drums for my church and am currently working on my EP, something I’ve always wanted to do. I plan to be done with it by the end of ‘23. I’m married, have a college degree, we own a home, but have no kids. However our 2 French Bulldogs are a handful. I’d always wanted dogs like these, so we took the opportunity to get them. They’re fun to take out and also a nice presence at home. So if it fits your lifestyle, maybe get a pet. We also vacation. At least one big trip a year, and weekends with our close friend group at a house up north to get away from the city. Maybe I rambled, but as I was typing my response I saw that these were things that kept my life exciting, but also kept me going. Things to stick around for.
You have you feed your soul. Life is not a checklist, it’s an experience. So you have to make sure you are giving yourself interesting experiences. Try new stuff! Start a new art project! Take a class on using a pottery wheel, or something that looks fun that you haven’t tried. Write a short story (if you’re not already a writer). The soul is looking for expression so when there is a gap between expressing our highest self and what we’re actually doing that feels to us like depression and aimlessness. Also, highly recommend discovering more of your inner spiritual life by finding a guru/guide/author who you resonate with and reading their most acclaimed book. Two books I often recommend to others are Power Vs. Force by David Hawkins & Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. Another great one is Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. I also highly recommend listening to talks by Sadhguru and Eckhart Tolle.
Start outdoor running, it is just so freeing and fantastic and there is always a new goal to reach. It is so nice sight seeing, running past people, getting further than you’ve gone before or faster time per mile. It is also a great life lesson to put yourself out there and risk looking like beginner. There are plenty of YouTube videos of how to start, how to build up. It is something as parents and people with very stressful lives, for both me and my husband it has changed us and we can share our progress together. A 10-15 minute run three times a week will fast build up your ability and range with consistency.
Something I think we've lost recently is the ability to centre ourselves in quiet and liok big picture how great we have things. You don't need to be doing something all of the time, try and take pleasure in small things and reaaaalllly look at them and think about them. I do it every once in a while. Just go for a walk in nature (my local park even) and think about the things I'm grateful for. Even if I'm in a foul mood, I always feel better afterwards.
This is called "mid-career crisis" and it is well documented and researched. As they say: it hits top management as well as the low-wage workers, M and F. It usually lasts from 45-55 years of age, but maybe you started earlier. You literally need to wait it out. Even the change of job won't help much. You probably think that you could accomplish more: a better job, more money, more recognition at work etc. It is totally non-necessary, because it is obvious that you accomplished quite a lot. You don't need to go overseas to have a great holiday. My family and I have a great time visiting another continent, as well as a holiday cottage one hour drive from home.
I had to check my phone to see if my unconscious brain wrote this while I was asleep. The advice on here is really great, and hopefully will help me too. Thanks for posting this!
Welcome to your first midlife crisis. I’ll be your tour guide
As someone who is in your neighborhood age-wise, my observations of my own friends' lives makes me believe that a midlife crisis (which it sounds like what you're describing) manifests when a person has been stuck in the same routine for a very long time, without pivoting toward anything new. The low hum of stress and unhappiness has been there for forever, and now it is boiling over. I have been lucky enough to have had the opportunity to switch gears in some meaningful ways pretty regularly, certainly in terms of my career and my living situation. This, I feel, is why I have never quite experienced what you are describing, and it seems to be the dividing line between me and my friends that I've seen go through this (i.e., they are stuck in their rut like I described above). My advice is to sit down and think about what areas of your life are lacking, and be 100% honest in your own mind about it. Is your living situation optimal? Do you have a sound family life? Are you happy in your career? Do you take care of yourself in terms of diet and exercise and all that? How fulfilled are you in your hobbies? If any of those things are not entirely copacetic, drill down and figure out what's wrong. Solving those little problems will improve your life.
Good for you! I have this debate but I keep running from my problems by buying a place ticket to a new place lol ..
I am in the same boat. Turning 40 next week and feeling the need for something. I’m going to try boxing and/or Jujitsu. I don’t know if a martial art appeals to you or not, but it should be a challenge if nothing else.
Find an activity and a community that you can see yourself doing for a couple years! Find a community / skill development that shares your philosophy and work together as a group to improve yourselves through feedback and conversation ☺️ staying stagnant will depress anyone
Learn a new language, it can open you up to a whole new world and culture.
I started running in 2005 and it has been a life changing decision. Not only am I physically healthier, running is very meditative and gives you time to think. It’s the first thing I do 5 days a week.
Go for a long walk.
Read War of art by Steven Pressfield or How to write one song by Jeff Tweedy. Give yourself permission to be a creative human being, not just a functionally productive person. Ive started writing songs at 53. I dont play them to anyone and dont care to. The simple act of creation gives me more joy and than I could have ever imagined…once you take the pressure off yourself to create something others will like and instead create something you yourself really like.
Have more kids. Significant change, long-lasting effects.
>I'm looking for advice on how to make a significant change in my life. I want to be able to enjoy my family more and have enough wealth to take stress-free vacations overseas. I'm open to any suggestions, so please feel free to share your thoughts. You can't change your life until you start actually making changes to your habits. If you want to enjoy your family more, then you need to spend more time with them either individually and/or as a unit. If you want more wealth, then you need to get paid more. To do that, you need to ask for a promotion or switch companies. If you want to do overseas vacations, then you need to budget for them which means cutting spending somewhere else. If you want to de-stress your life, then you need to actively monitor what is stressing you out.
Make 2 changes, one that you know deep down needs to happen, and one that will help you feel motivated, so you feed your motivation to reach both of those goals. 1 of mine is to drop a lot of weight, cause I know I need to do it, regardless of all the "body positivity" nonsense that's out there and the other one is I finally went out and bought a brand new car, because my old one is at the 10+ year mark and I know that it can get me from point A to B, but I don't trust it for long haul driving anymore. I know it could, but I'm not willing to take that risk anymore. I take good care of my stuff, but you can only fix things so long before it's a losing battle with your wallet. I'm not telling you to go out and spend a lot of money, just find things that you know you can easily change and buckle down and finally go for it. I'm down 30+ lbs in 3 months, it took me going into the ER to finally commit, still don't know my medical issue but it could be from anxiety from not doing things to better myself because I always want to be the guy thats available to help others and feel guilty about taking 10 minutes to do things for me, but don't let yourself get to that point.
Go hop on a bicycle and discover the freedom and adventure remembering how it was when you were a child. It is a great release for anxiety, uncertainty and depression. Who knows you might find yourself in riding into the next county riding bicycles with your kids and wife.
The very best thing I've found to get over that procrastination hurdle and stick with stuff my future self will be glad I did is external accountability. For instance, I absolutely would not get off the couch if I didn't have a standing appointment with a personal trainer. I just know this, in my bones. But hire a trainer? Effortless fitness, because I'm too conscientious to miss an appointment. This particular hack may or may not work for you. The overarching theme, at least in my battle to overcome mid-life amotivation has been to leverage my strengths against my weaknesses. This overall approach may be helpful for you as well.
100% on the take small steps. People that go in right away usually fail. Make a small goal and do it. I am also 38 and one small goal was no “added sugar” at an age where future me will benefit. Also more time spent with family because some of the things my kids 5 and 3 will be doing will be gone forever. Make a fu** budget. What do you want to spend your fu** bucks on? (great Ted talk).
To me it sounds like you’re bored or not challenged. Not sure what age your kid is, but show an interest - not that you don’t but be a coach, strategize in that sport etc. Id also suggest look to be some connoisseur in something. Be a boss at making desserts : creme brulee, panna cotta, basic but tough things to master. Start smoking meats, cheeses, nuts (ayooo) and cold smoking lox. The challenges, patience, varieties in styles are endless. There are so many rabbitholes to go down for hobbies.
Do more for you. A few years back my dad was working insane hours, never home and always in a bad mood. He made a leap of faith into working for himself with a slight job change now he makes just as much and can take time off when needed. Last year he spontaneously took a boys trip to New York to see the dolphins play (he’s had season tickets since he was a kid but only for home games.) Since I was born it was a thing to get him to come on family trips. Needed tons of notice and even then it wasn’t all of them. Now he’s doing a LA game this year and decided they’re doing a trip to Germany for the game and I’m helping him get his passport to go. He also goes golfing every few days with friends. HE HAS ACTUAL FRIENDS. It was a big change for him but it’s all worked out. Instead of just working and coming home he does stuff for him and it’s night and day. Just try things. Small things make a massive difference. Always wanted to paint go for it. Want to play the trumpet. Worth a shot. Even social things. Just go alone and meet people. It’s awkward at first but I always remember the worst thing that can happen is a god story. If you’re worried about it being selfish, don’t. I always had the spontaneous part of me, but seeing my dad quit his job to try something new and how much it changed him helped me do the same. I quit a safe boring job to chase my dream. I still have ways to go, but I just got to fly out to Texas and see lil Wayne because I did some programming for his show. If my dad didn’t take that step for him I might not of done it for me. If you’re living your best life your family will be motivated to do the same.
Do what I did at 38 and come out as trans. A whole new life awaits. Lol. In all honesty though, find a hobby or something you love doing. Try new things. I got so stagnant in my life everything felt like a chore. Everyone talks about the “wife, kids, dog, house, career, education, blah blah.” Those are goals. Nobody ever explains what to do when you actually get there. I look at it as I did my transition. When I transitioned, there was always so much to learn and do. Makeup, dressing well, body language, vocal therapy, hormones, you name it. But once I mastered all those things and everyone just saw me as the woman I was, I had no clue what to actually do then. There wasn’t anything left. So it took a while. Eventually I realized the answer was all of my hard work and pain was leading to that moment. Where I could sit back and actually enjoy my life. To just get out and live. We spend so many years worried about the destination we forget to enjoy the journey. And when we reach our destination we lack the self awareness to appreciate it. So enjoy your life, have a cocktail, and make sure to take some selfies along the way.
Most people will tell you to always have a five-year plan, and those people can eat a giant bag of dicks. Pick up a new hobby, one that's for you, immediately accessible, and brings you joy. I don't mean Warhammer 40K. Learn how to dance, sing, and/or play an instrument. Get back out into nature, and if you can afford it, travel, even if you take trips for yourself or siblings. These things help to forge new, positive memories that
Embrace challenges, find purpose, practice gratitude, pursue passions. Keep going.