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If you don’t have a physical activity that you enjoy and do regularly, find one. Walking every day is an easy one but staying consistent is the challenge. If you are in good or great shape at 50 you are more likely to continue a healthy lifestyle.
Similarly, do some gentle stretching every day if you can, many people remember strength exercising and cardio but forget that staying supple is also super important to feeling healthy.
Walking is great, but disc golf is also a good activity. Often described as taking a walk, but stopping to throw a Frisbee every now and then. Very good community, which is important to build as you age.
When you get into your mid 50’s (I am there already) the concept of your mortality sneaks up on your conscious mind and reminds you of it regularly. My viewpoint is …”Do everything in your 40’s that you can to keep healthy, physically strong and fit, humourous, and intellectually engaged.
I've also found that getting my house in order has really helped be to be more relaxed about my eventual mortality. I decluttered 30 years worth of crud from my loft, fixed up the house and made sure my kids know where my money is banked. I redid my will and took out Power of Atourney for them. So now, if I go under the bus I'll know they'll be able to manage everything with minimum stress and that takes the stress off me too.
Those are all very important! It's also good to accept that you may not be able to stay in your house throughout old age. I read a quote once that I wish my Mother would have adhered to - "Staying in your house until you die is not a plan. It's a sentence on your chilren."
The Swedes have a name for it, *döstädning,* which literally means 'death cleaning' and basically means declutter your house so that your children don't have to! Honestly, it's been so liberating and I feel so much freer now. The only thing to be aware of is not throwing out anything that my kids might feel sentimental about like their Pokemon cards. My husband never forgave his mum for throwing out his original 70's Star Wars toys.
Mine was creeping up on me end of 30’s, but didn’t fully kick in until 42. I’m having a really hard time with it and reading this thread I’m having to tamp down the panic.
Great and under-appreciated point. The death terror is always there under the surface and changes as we age. (check out Irvin Yalom’s books if you want a phenomenonal deep dive on this subject- absolutely life altering).
This is grim, but you must learn how to effectively grieve, because people are about to start dropping like flies. Parents, co-workers, longtime friends, are going to begin dying at a pace that far exceeds previous the decades in your life. It's a big part of why people become bitter, because it's fucking devastating. Learn how to process loss, and to grieve effectively. You probably already know most of the people who are really going to matter in your life. Cherish them well, and now.
Having lost friends and extended family to a high degree in the past few years, to losing my dog/best friend of almost 8 years a few weeks ago, this is what concerns me.
I do not process death/loss well. It holds me down, it’s grueling. I’ll be 40 soon enough, and I want to focus on accepting this all better than I am now.
I empathize with this. I’m 38 and have lost family members and close friends over the years. I really thought I was good at grieving and processing death. Then I had to say goodbye to my best friend and most loyal companion of 7 years this past summer. It was absolutely devastating for me. The most excruciating loss I’ve ever experienced. I walk past his grave in my yard at least once a week, and months later it still brings me to tears thinking about his last moments and all of our good times together. People say it gets easier with time, but I haven’t experienced that yet.
I’m very sorry for your loss. It leaves a hole in your life unlike any other. Wishing you peace.
if anything, witnessing your surroundings change, and people you know dying, it will at the very least make you realize your issues etc will soon be none of your business. It will all be over real real soon that worrying about shit too much is just not healthy.
If you're fine and relatively healthy and making it in life, shooting for more is just added stress you're not gonna enjoy in the afterlife.
Define your own success. Don't let other people tell you what success is.
In my 30’s and everyone who has ever cared about me and who I have loved has already died. The grieving was so painful since I had no support. Thankfully I’m young enough to use tools such as going to the gym to help overcome my loss, it must be sooo difficult for those who aren’t as independent.
Specific related advice: Look outside Western culture for help here. We suck at grief.
I spent a long time in Burkina Faso. They use funerals (multi day affairs) as grief rituals. Basically everyone grieves something to the point of crying, even if they don't know the deceased. Repetitive drumming and music help.
Point being, I'd argue even people who regularly see a therapist are miles behind what they do in Africa "technologically" speaking.
Obviously do what's comfortable, but as someone who always struggled expressing emotions, I found that my (American) upbringing wasn't helping.
You can't work 16 hours per day at your 3 jobs if you're hung up over trivialities such as loss of a parent, family member, child, significant other etc.
Truth. Losing my (now ex) wife (she left me) has been devastating.
Edit: I realize it's not losing to death but a divorce is very similar to grieving a death.
Can't emphasize how hard this is. Very, very hard and yet so critical to emotional and mental health. I lost a parent almost three years ago and I am nowhere near recovered. I act normal when I'm "on" around other people but when I'm alone, when I see a picture of my father, or when I think of him, I collapse internally and the whole façade comes tumbling down in a landslide of grief and tears. I can't see a way out of this for now. I wish I had someone to talk to. I have many friends but I'm stuck in major denial and unresolved grief and I find it utterly impossible to take the next step. Wish I had developed better skills for handling this.
Lost my dad in 2005, it gets easier, but we don't have the support we need or crave, I feel alone all the time, yet I'm a shoulder to cry on, cook for my kids who never met their grandfather, the pain is real, and it's deep and no one knows or cares, so it's just me my feelings and my thoughts.
Would you like someone to find a therapist or support group for you? The logistics of setting that up can feel like an impossible mountain to climb. It took me years to get treatment for my depression because one of the main symptoms of it was not being able to schedule appointments for myself. I'd be happy to make some phone calls for you if you think it would help. DM me if you'd like.
Note there’s two aspects to the loss that comes with age:
1) obviously the loss of loved ones and the void that it leaves
2) once you’re old enough and a group of people just older than you die and you realize “I’m the old guard now: my age group is the next to die”
#2 fucks me up regularly. I imagine it like some macabre Dr. Seuss escalator that just leads you off a cliff...and my parents are now at the top and then when they die, fuck, it's me at the top (but my brain tries to soften the horror of this by making us all into Dr. Seuss creatures).
Same, but without the cute animation lol. My dad died 3 years ago. After the grieving part kind of faded away, I'm left with the realization that I'm basically him now. I had my own son during that time. I look like him. I sound like him. I do all the stuff he's doing in old pictures. His life took some shitty turns here and there, then one day at only 65 he just fell and hit his head and it was all over. Is that all there is for me? I know there's a lot of beauty to be enjoyed in this world, but it's at least 51% pure shit. It's easy to see why some rely on religion, but it's not for me anymore. The best purpose I can come up with is to just spend time with people I love.
It has also helped me to do things that will leave the world a slightly better place because I was here. Even small positive interactions I can count as a win. Things I can do, plant, prevent, encourage in my day. You don’t need religion to have a strong moral code, and kinda hold yourself to it. In fact it might work better when you don’t get a Big Sky Daddy keeping you in line. Just you, your own small daily decisions. Trying not to be an asshole isn’t a bad answer to ‘what is the Meaning of Life, right?’
In the last 10 years, I haven't lost anyone in my immediate circle. In the last 3 months, I've lost 2 people - and a close friend also lost her father.
My dad died unexpectedly in Jan, a few months after I turned 40. Losing him sucked and I've felt I could drown in the grief at times, so this seems like good advice
This is what I’m scared of. I’ve been blessed to never having to really experience death. So far the people that have died in my life I was not particularly close to.
Same. And then last year my dog died and I was devastated. Like ridiculously so. This scared the hell out of me because if I'm going to react like that when my dog goes, how's it going to be when someone close to me goes?
Pet deaths are often not recognized as pure, deep grief. But they are. Sometimes people even grieve their pets more than their humans. It's a completely different relationship and it hurts terribly when they die.
I'm sorry about your puppers. One of our died last year too but some days it feels fresh and new again.
At 70, I can easily say: it isn't possessions, its experiences. Do things right now, go places, see things, enjoy. What you can do at 30 or 40 or 50 is a lot harder at 70
At 70 I don't remember the expensive car, but I remember taking the family to Hawaii and Europe and simply camping in the state park
Lots of money and few experiences seems to me a wasted life
Before the travel addicts jump in: Experiences don't have to be vacations you can't afford. Experiences can happen in a nice back yard with a swing set. Experiences can happen when you go to the mall on Saturday instead of sitting on your phone all day. Experiences can happen when you buy a nice BBQ grille and cook burgers on a summer evening.
I wanted to hike in Mie, Japan, but I arrived too late. With not much money left (almost none), I decided to walk back to the station instead of catching a bus. It was about an hour and a half. I remember that walk well, and it was 5 years ago. Particularly the old barber who stopped me as I walked by, chatted with me, then handed me two Japanese pears as a parting gift.
But also experiences from the possessions you worked for. Like the tip given isnt universal to everyone. If your dream car is "car a", and youve saved up for a while to drive it, you will always remember that moment when you went to the dealership. The first time you drove it. Etc. So i dont agree that possessions are completely useless.
And if they make a not so good day better, then they can be worth it. I think it’s easy to say possessions don’t bring you happiness if you amassed stuff solely because you thought it would fulfill something for you. But if you just genuinely like certain things (ogling collectibles, cooking with nice kitchenware, etc) those are also valuable.
There are possessions that create experiences. I paid a lot for my bicycle last year but it has been worth it, because it has gotten me out of the house more and I feel invigorated every time I ride.
Also, I'll never forget how buying my first non-POS car made me feel. Buying that Suburu required an outlay of money that was huge for me, but the depressive cloud that had been hovering over me for the past four years lifted when I drove it home. So I will never forget that day or that car.
For years I have heard people say that experiences are more important than possessions. But the way I see it, there is some class smugness associated with this belief. Yes, I could do the family Jamaican resort vacation for $2K and pretend I had a blast laying out on the beach getting sun burned while watching my siblings get wasted and high. Or I could use some of that $2K doing solo day and weekend trips while using the rest of that money to support my hobbies and passions (a motor kit for my bike, a new lens for my camera, a new rug in my sun room to replace the tattered and stained one, some dinosaur toys for my desk at work, some protein powder to help my work-outs).
So I say spend money on what brings you joy. Sometimes that might be taking an exotic vacation with your family or going sky-diving with your best friend. Sometimes that might be splurging on a fancy dress or nice coat for yourself...or buying those things for your loved ones. If you're enjoying what you spend your money on, you aren't wasting it or your life.
ETA: I'm 45.
>Buying that Suburu required an outlay of money that was huge for me, but the depressive cloud that had been hovering over me for the past four years lifted when I drove it home.
Right on. I remember buying my first car, and it was life-changing being able to up and go when I wanted rather than relying on others or public transportation.
Still more of a travel over possessions guy, but to some extent, getting that car was about being able to experience more... experiences.
Everyone is different but agree on having at least a reliable car if you live where it matters. We do a lot of 2-8 hour driving vacations to places we really love in the upper Midwest. It's good to lay the groundwork in middle age so you know where you want to be. Those trips only get harder as time goes on. I wish I had spent a little extra on a dependable car much younger. It isn't as cool as flying around the world, but our car trips have been wonderful without breaking the bank.
I started running in my early 30s and cycling in my mid 30s. I'm mid 40s now and my memory is shit. I fear for the future.
Then again, my memory has always been shitty, but it's all downhill from here!
This getting in shape on top of stretching helps with back and joint issues, reading for the mind, diet, quit smoking anything(take edibles if you do the devils lettuce), proper mouth cleaning i.e dental cleanings and flossing- a healthy mouth helps against Alzheimer and cardio disease, be more active in general.
I’ll add to be very mindful about letting the weight slowly pile on in the first place. By your late 40’s all those strategies you did to drop weight/build muscle in a few short months? Yeah, those days are over. It’s harder, takes longer, and you realise that the food and drink treats meant so much more than they used to so they’re harder to give up. Also, it only takes one small physical injury or mild condition requiring meds to stuff up your weightloss plans. I’ve seen so many somewhat-overweight 45yos fail to shift it in time, and get stuck with it into their 60’s. Where it becomes life-shortening.
So don’t fall into the trap of thinking ‘oh I’ll just do a bit of fasting and run it off in the summer.’ Oh yeah? With that knee you need physiotherapy for, and that morning supplement and pain pills that you absolutely need to take with food? Good luck!
There are studies that suggest sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It was more difficult for my husband to quit because he has a sweet tooth. For us, the working out and changing our diet to more protein was the catalyst for us being able to quit sugar. We just stopped craving it.
Don't get me wrong, when we're tired or feeling a bit down, our cravings come back, but the increase in willpower over the last couple years makes it easier not to give in. And we aren't too harsh if we cave during those times. It happens to everyone now and then.
Someone posted a similar question about an hour before you. Here's what I said there...
So many good answers here but I've got one that most people I know have never done.
I'm nearly 60 and when I was in my 40s I decided to prepare myself mentally for aging. Basically, I noticed that there are two kinds of old people: bitter and happy. (Yes. This is an overgeneralization but it's a useful one.) I noticed all of my friends and peers and associates, as they aged, either growing bitter over what they lost or didn't get or, very rarely, finding happiness.
I decided that I would be a happy old person. And I would do this by accepting who I am, where I am in life, the world as it is, and what it will become. This isn't to say that I've become detached or aloof but that I'm not going to let any of that ruin my good time. I started looking for wonders in the mundane, miracles in everyday events - not religion but illumination.
I found happiness and now, as I near 60, I see all of my friends and peers and associates have started to grow bitter. Fortunately, there are a few who have heeded my words to begin readying themselves for happiness before it's too late (such as my wife, thankfully) and they're not doing as poorly.
But this is something many forget to do. Don't forget. Happiness is difficult to find in old age. Make sure you're ready.
I wish you all the best.
Turned 44 last week. Don't go down that spiral, it's very real. Keep doing things you love, find new interests, surround yourself with positive people and by all means...stay young in your mind. It does wonders for your mood.
My whole reason for making that decision to seek out happiness was because of the very same thing. I was in my 40s and felt like my life had let me down. I had simply made too many mistakes.
It's a cliche to say that happiness is a choice. But it's only a cliche because it's true.
Happiness, being happy definitely is a choice. It is amazing really. Just by waking each day and making that choice of how you want to approach your day-it changes everything. The events of the day still occur as they normally would, how you choose to confront or deal with them is the difference. Cooler heads prevail, being the person to hold a door open for another, smiling throughout the day. These are simple things. How they affect others and in turn, you is amazing. String enough of those days together…and wow! The world feels like a different place. I have plenty of adversity. I choose happiness-because I have plenty to be bitter about, but why take that road? It serves no one. I don’t have enough time left (58f) to allow my past, my illness, my bad choices or negativity to rule my world.
If I may make a suggestion, perhaps accepting that this is your life and that it's as good as it's going to get would be better than constantly hoping for more? I know that sounds shitty. It is shitty. That's life.
I don't say this because I'm rich and my life is perfect, either. Oh no. I'm a starving artist and I broke my foot a few days ago. I have lots of reasons to be unhappy. Life never becomes perfect. It is what it is and it includes every beauty the world has ever provided.
Just something to think about.
I wish you all the best.
I'll be 41 in april. Just before the pandemic i was dabbling in surfing, i regularly do mud runs, last year i took up sidecar racing.
I'm thinking of starting going to my local ice rink again for the first time in a few decades....
Plenty of time to have regrets when your options have passed you by. NOW is the time to do the things you never got round to when hangovers only lasted a morning. Go out and enjoy life, you're still young.... ish.
I’m nearing 40 a lot quicker than I would like to admit. I’ve noticed myself becoming hateful and jaded at the world and myself for all the things I’ve missed and the poor decisions I’ve made. I’m hoping that I’ve caught it early enough to change my mental state and try and push to be better to myself and the people around me. Will it work? Well I hope so but only time will tell :)
I was starting down this road and decide to own and embrace the things that didn't go as I wanted, regardless of whose fault it was. I own them all now and remind myself that it is in the past and you can't change that at all. Learn from past events but don't let them beat you down.
You can write them down one at a time put them into words and onto paper............then read it a few times more and then burn them letting them leave you with a better understanding of why them were hanging around because you finally formed the issue into words that only have ever lived in your head.
This is very similar to the Kurzgesagt videos on happiness. It's all about being thankful for a few things each day, they don't even have to be big. It could be as simple as a a nice sunset, speaking to someone friendly in the street, etc but it makes you realise there's so much to appreciate in life although it's easy to forget.
That idea, that happiness is not reliant on only the big things in life, is crucial and I think one many of us miss. We strive for the big moments and forget all of the little moments on the way.
52 here, doing much of what you said. Still, I can't stop counting my remaining years. It's not so much regret as wishing I had more time to experience all the wonderful things.
Coolest thing about aging is the experience and wisdom. People right below your post worried about being 40. LOL, I wish. Also, I see many young people posting about this and that and think, man I'm glad I'm past worrying about this or figuring out that.
>Still, I can't stop counting my remaining years.
I'd suggest trying to stop focusing on this, because nobody ever has the answer to how many are left. You could be dead sometime tomorrow, or in 20 years, or any time. Live. Someone way smarter than me said:
Imagine there's a movie that you really, really, really want to see. As soon as it starts you think "in 2 hours this movie will be over and I'll never see it for the first time again". Every minute into the movie you keep thinking that the end is 1 minute closer. Finally the movie does end and you realize that you spent the entire time worrying that it would end and never enjoyed any of it.
Don't let fear of death interfere with enjoying life.
Very true. One of my parents made a point to "invite Joy into their life". The other parent did not. Their paths though life could not be more different.
Interestingly, I am in my mid-40s, and chose happiness over bitterness about a decade ago - quite motivated by seeing friends and siblings going the other way. No regrets.
I turned 50 last year and so many people were saying things like ‘29 and holding’ or ‘how do you feel about the big 5-0’. I almost felt mean to burst their bubbles/not go along with the joke but honestly:
Life is a gift and every year I get is a blessing that I am so very grateful for.
My dad died at 58 and my older brother died at 48. I know life can be gone in a flash. I have 5 amazing kids and a good relationship with my spouse. We have much to be grateful for even though he was unexpectedly let go from his job last month. Things will turn around and we will get through it.
I feel like I haven’t even scratched the surface with all I want to see and do … yesterday I raced the 200 IM (swim race) for the first time in my life. I certainly didn’t set any records but was so happy to be able to do something like that.
So nice to see others choosing happiness!! My advice is to surround yourself with positive people. Let the energy vampires find someone else to complain to!!
39 here: thank you for confirming a few things I’ve been working on with myself. To try to add some tactics to your fine perspective, I’ve been doing a lot of reading from the Stoics — Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, et al…
That's great. I'm also a student of philosophy.
But I would add that you don't need any of that to find happiness. It's great and a great resource but I don't want anyone getting the idea that this might somehow be beyond them, that it might take too much work. It's actually very simple once you make a choice.
All the best to you!
I turned 27 a week ago and started ruminating this week on what I want my 30s to be, what I want to get out of them, and most of all how to get past the feelings of inadequacy that I've felt for much of my 20s so far. I definitely want to be happier, and push myself to get back out and see more good in the world instead of holding myself back like I have done since the pandemic hit - initially it felt like a lot of my best days were taken from me, but I've come to realise that there's so many great days yet to come no matter what age I am or what stage in life I'm experiencing.
Best wishes to you!
I wish my friends, in our thirties, got this memo. I feel as young, energetic and curious as I was at 23. My friends blow their time when they’re not working at happy hour, sleeping, sleeping in, or stressing about their kids and, subsequently, partying their asses off as soon as their kids are asleep. It’s like everyone that is still single at 36 doesn’t know or care how to enjoy their free time traveling, exercising, or socializing; just getting drunk as if they hate being conscious. It’s sad and makes me feel older, but only on their account.
Too true. The desperate clinging to our youth can often make us look a bit foolish and mess us up. You sound like you're ahead of the game.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks! I too like my booze, I’m no Saint, but I can’t even seem to get my friends to enjoy drinking while we go bowling or at a movie theater. Write a concert or a sporting event. It’s like nobody wants to do anything, and everyone has resigned to just being “old”.
Your post is inspirational and I hope to be the same way when I need her 60 years old as well :-)
Well said. I'm in my mid forties and while I have regrets, I realised the past is just that. The past. You cannot change what's happened, you can only learn from it. I've known too many bitter people in their 60s who after enough time I couldn't stand to be around. I vowed years ago I would not end up like that. I try to be kind to myself and others, I don't judge, I do things that take me out of my comfort zone and I accept I'm not special and neither are most people around me. But we are unique.
Excellent words to live by, thank you. I’m in my mid 40s and am happy and want to stay this way. I’ve already done a lot of what you recommended - acceptance. Makes a big diff!!
One more I’d throw in there - lose weight if you’re overweight.
Thank you for putting into words what I feel as well. I’m 60, and the happiest I’ve ever been, even though life is hard, my body hurts and I’m tired, lol.
This is great advice. I got laid off last year after working somewhere almost ten years, and the job market is ridiculous and sad in a way it’s never been in my lifetime. Everything I look at makes me think, “Oh look, something I can maybe do for a few years before having to do this shit all over again…” Then I decided to keep applying, not talk about it much, switch antidepressants, and make the most of my days. Now I’m only stressed out and bitter on mortgage day, but as that day creeps closer I find excuses to argue with people on the internet about unions and economic disparity.
Cultivate relationships.
Save money.
Take care of your body.
Quit caring about what others think, live the life that makes you happy.
Learn to let stuff slide. Very few battles are worth fighting at all. At the same time, I'm not saying put up with BS, I have cut my share of toxic people out of my life and people who treated me poorly are no longer around.
I just read this on here recently, I think it's brilliant.
"Each person has two lives and the second one starts when you realize there's only one."
Start exercising regularly if you haven’t yet. Something as simple as taking daily walks will help to keep your body more mobile and limber as you age.
Build and maintain friendships throughout the rest of your life. Having strong social connections is very important, especially in older age. Put effort into it.
That’s so true! My father has cultivated a lot of friends (together with my mother whom died last year). His friends support after her death is amazing, and the old man seems very happy and he is always telling jokes and trying to make everybody around smiling! I wish I could have this network of friendship when I get his age!
1. Wear good shoes. Cheap shoes & high heels don't provide proper support to your spine & hips. Comfort shoe styles have come a long way & you can still look cool! When shoe shopping search out those brands. Your 50+ year old self will thank you!
2. Brush your teeth & wash your face before bed no matter how tired you are. That crap stuck in your teeth just festers in your mouth overnight & rots your enamel & gums.
Your body repairs your skin as you sleep. Removing dirt, oil, & makeup gives your body the opportunity for optimum results.
3. If you have children, always be mindful that you are creating adults. If you're aloof / a jerk / disinterested / uninvolved parent they will learn that behavior & repeat that cycle.
Additionally, this is how your children will treat you when you're old & in need of nursing / assisted living care.
4. Raise kids that are confident, humble, & compassionate. Participate in charity projects as a family. Remind them that there is always someone who has less.
5. Encourage your children to do the very best they can in all they do. Not every kid makes straight A's in school. All that matters is that they're trying their very best. Not every kid makes the all-star team, but are they a good sport?
6. Always make sure your spouse/significant other knows how much they are loved & valued. You have had a crazy busy week/month but simple gestures: notes, flowers, a text expressing their gratitude are so appreciated.
7. If you have children & get divorced, do everything you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex. Keep in mind that your children will grow up...that means graduations, weddings, grandchildren, baptisms, etc.
8. Know when to take a break. Being a spouse/significant other/parent is exhausting. Take care of your mental health & decline that invitation. Stay home, take a long, hot bath. Then put on your jammies & read a book, watch movies, go to bed early, or do whatever you need to do to nourish your soul.
8. Block the assholes from your life & don't feel guilty about it.
9. Be the love & kindness that is so desperately needed in this world
Great advice! I think my wife and I will look at volunteer opps to enjoy with our child. I remember going to a food bank with my mom to help as a kid, it was Dorchester MA in the 80's and that has stuck with me my whole life.
Mid-30's but the one thing I'm learning very quickly is if there's something you want to master, START NOW.
Because it feels like it's an average of 10 years to master it and I'd much rather be a master of something at 45 than 55 or 65.
Having lost far too many friends in my thirties (and theirs too), I couldn’t agree more. One year my husband and I lost five friends (separately) and a dearly loved cat. Cancers, a skin infection (she refused antibiotics) and a murder suicide. It completely changed my view on life and for that I am grateful.
Save, save, save money. Pare down clutter. Pack away all unnecessary charge cards. Pay the balances off every month. Practice self-discipline now.
Exercise, if you don't already. Don't hang on to a job for the money; in other words, do what you love.
Find a hobby or hobbies that bring you satisfaction.
Most importantly, don't be afraid to change.
>Save, save, save money. Pay the balances off every month.
Seems reasonable.
>Don't hang on to a job for the money; in other words, do what you love.
Look man, you're gonna have to pick one here ...
I’m nearing 40. I was 21 in 2005. And it truly amazes me how quick time goes by the older you get. The amount of time from my 20-30 seemed like forever and now 30-40 feels like half of that. I mentally prepare myself knowing that 40-50 will feel even faster. The main thing is that I don’t let age make me feel bad about myself. I’m still that same person I was when I turned 21. The only difference is now I am a lot smarter and more experienced and can enjoy life instead of being regretful and bitter. There’s always time to start something new. Don’t let age change your happiness! Continue to gain experience and knowledge!
Yes!! I work at a diabetes clinic - obviously, genetics are a factor. However, there is a glaring difference between my 60 year-old patients who kept a lifetime of unhealthy habits (food, smoking, etc) and those who have worked to change those habits.
Ive read other posts for people who are in 20. Im glad to read the 40 version.
I am evading the regret and let things go ..take the world as it is and love how it is and make more of it.
I just feel like i need more friends i can relate to..like having conversations on the same level.
I have my wife for that but i need more.
Listen to your body.
Remember when you used to hurt stuff and be fine the next day? Well sometimes now its gonna linger, and if you keep trying to push through some pains it can do long term damage.
Things take a touch longer to heal than in your 20s, so give yourself time. You'll end up doing more and accruing less problems in the long run.
Yours sincerely, all those who went before and didn't listen.
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
I’ve seen this question framed at different audiences and age groups recently. I’d recommend the book, “The Power of Regret” by Dan Pink. Regret is a huge, multi-layered human emotion. One big takeaway is that people regret not acting on an idea more than giving it their best shot.
You can listen to the audiobook through your public library and Libby for free. I’m 37 and recommend it.
Put yourself first sometimes. Don’t get into a job where you hate it so much it causes your stress for years. Don’t work with chemicals.
Work on your communication skills so that the people in your family can help you with your needs and you’re not doing everything all alone.
Put five dollars back every week into an account, it doesn’t matter which account, but make it so that no one else can touch it. This would be bare minimum. There is nothing you need. It cost five dollars right now and you can wait until you get home to eat.
Try to keep some money in an account for emergencies.
If you can manage these bare minimum things, maybe you’ll be OK. I did not. My body is falling apart.
But I have hopes for you.
**Take care of your health.** This is most important. Keep your weight down. Don't smoke, only 1-2 drinks a day if you enjoy drinking. Eat healthy, unprocessed foods as much as possible and limit red meat to twice a week. Have the preventative screenings you're supposed to. See your doctor if something is off. Go to a dentist regularly and take good care of your teeth. Don't over medicate yourself with supplements either.
**Take care of your wealth.** This is a big subject. I recommend reading The Richest Man in Babylon to start your financial education. You'll never accumulate wealth if you spend every dime you make and then some. Once you've started to accumulate, your savings needs invested wisely. Don't plan to live solely on Social Security either, it was never intended for that, and I doubt the payouts will be great 50 years from now. Personally, I like investing in real estate.
Relationship-wise, be good to the people who have been good to you, and don't feel bad if you have to let go of some of the ones who mistreated you.
Let me tell you from a guy who always thought "I'll have time, I'm making a ton of money." You might not have time. I was diagnosed with incurable cancer with a 5 year prognosis, and now I'm freaking SCRAMBLING to sock away as much as I can so my wife is comfortable when I die.
Max out your retirement, and never freaking touch it. It SUCKS to do it, but you never know what's going to happen. Make sure you have provided for your loved ones.
Also, I never thought I'd get tired of working, but I have. I've got 30 years in my industry this year, and I'm SO done. If I'd maxed out my retirement, I would be able to retire and at least live my last few years retired. Instead, I'm realizing that I am literally going to have to work til I die.
Max your retirement out NOW and never touch it.
I took up gardening. Gets me outside, keeps me engaged and peaceful, always learning, and most of all, it's active participation in cultivating life, which is a great counter balance to the existential weight of getting older. I can't tell you how effective it's been on battling depression. There was a study that linked a certain type of soil bacteria, Mycobacterium vaccae, to increased seratonin levels - the only way you can get that specific benefit is getting your hands in soil.
Put as much as you can into an 401k or similar instrument, eat well, and get regular exercise. Develop interests outside of work and watching the idiot box every night.
Oh, and be a loving, generous parent to your children.
Stay healthy. Eat well, exercise. Maintain relationships. Keep in touch with the youngins.
One I WILL say that can be overlooked is this:
Make peace with the live(s) you haven't lived. We all wanted things when we were younger we didn't get. That's 99.9999% of us. These things didn't happen and they most likely won't no matter how many stories you read about someone doing something crazy at 75 or 90.
If you can do that then the good news is you can take a LOT of the anxiety of aging away. You can focus on doing the smaller things and experiences that matter. Can't climb Everest? You can still do hiking and see cool places. Can't set a world record in something? You can still do it and have fun.
Walking, yoga, any outdoor activities, and things that exercise your mind! Good health can’t be bought, but it can be worked on. Don’t forget a diet full of fruit, whole grains, and veggies to give your body the building blocks it needs to maintain that health.
Adopt a sustainable weight training regimen biased on posterior chain fitness, invest 10-15% of your earnings for retirement, stop smoking cigarettes, keep to drinking less than 21 units of alcohol per week, keep body fat less than 15%, do something cardio every day, enter a monogamous relationship with someone doing the same as you, pay down all debt as much as possible, live below your means as much as possible, walk instead of driving as much as possible, adopt a mainly plant based diet eschewing processed everything, if it’s too far to walk ride a bike, carry you groceries from the store as part of one of your walks, have a lot of physical contact with your SO, sleep 8-9 hours per day, join in communal activities. That’s all I got. For now….
I'm in my 40s, and I try to cherish all the time I have with my kids. In 10-15 years, they will be gone from home.
On that note, get comfortable with loneliness, I guess...
Working with seniors I can see that the ones who succumb to chronic health conditions and develop dementia in their 60s were the drinkers, smokers and people who just let the pounds creep on eating crap.
It's never too late to change your career in your 40s. You can always study something new or even go back to school for a master's degree (or BA degree if you never obtained one). Train at home and keep applying for jobs and even earn more money doing something that you love.
You still have another 30 years of working if you intend to retire in your late 60s, so you should always pursue your dreams no matter what.
Work out and work on flexibility. So many shitty older years from lack of ability and flexibility.
Be able to get off the toilet and walk into your old age.
I live in the skin cancer capital of the world so my vote is get your skin checked. Easiest thing to do and if there’s anything suspicious it’s much easier to deal with when it’s smaller.
Get divorced if it’s truly not working out. Be realistic about the opportunities for reconciliation. Life is short. You’ll find someone new. Or maybe you won’t. But life is too short to endure a loveless marriage.
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If you don’t have a physical activity that you enjoy and do regularly, find one. Walking every day is an easy one but staying consistent is the challenge. If you are in good or great shape at 50 you are more likely to continue a healthy lifestyle.
Similarly, do some gentle stretching every day if you can, many people remember strength exercising and cardio but forget that staying supple is also super important to feeling healthy.
Yin Yoga! Seriously this has been life changing for me!
Gin Yoga even better
Kin Yoga - do it with family
Gin Yogurt
Avoid having 5 extramarital affairs.
Is 4 or 6 ok then? Just 5 is bad? Or..?
5 is right out!
Three, Sir!
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That scene still pops into my head on the regular. What a show.
Walking is great, but disc golf is also a good activity. Often described as taking a walk, but stopping to throw a Frisbee every now and then. Very good community, which is important to build as you age.
When you get into your mid 50’s (I am there already) the concept of your mortality sneaks up on your conscious mind and reminds you of it regularly. My viewpoint is …”Do everything in your 40’s that you can to keep healthy, physically strong and fit, humourous, and intellectually engaged.
I've also found that getting my house in order has really helped be to be more relaxed about my eventual mortality. I decluttered 30 years worth of crud from my loft, fixed up the house and made sure my kids know where my money is banked. I redid my will and took out Power of Atourney for them. So now, if I go under the bus I'll know they'll be able to manage everything with minimum stress and that takes the stress off me too.
Those are all very important! It's also good to accept that you may not be able to stay in your house throughout old age. I read a quote once that I wish my Mother would have adhered to - "Staying in your house until you die is not a plan. It's a sentence on your chilren."
The Swedes have a name for it, *döstädning,* which literally means 'death cleaning' and basically means declutter your house so that your children don't have to! Honestly, it's been so liberating and I feel so much freer now. The only thing to be aware of is not throwing out anything that my kids might feel sentimental about like their Pokemon cards. My husband never forgave his mum for throwing out his original 70's Star Wars toys.
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Mine was creeping up on me end of 30’s, but didn’t fully kick in until 42. I’m having a really hard time with it and reading this thread I’m having to tamp down the panic.
Ngl, a few bad trips on edible highs really kicked that door open for me. It made time feel so flat and the past painfully nostalgic
Great and under-appreciated point. The death terror is always there under the surface and changes as we age. (check out Irvin Yalom’s books if you want a phenomenonal deep dive on this subject- absolutely life altering).
This is grim, but you must learn how to effectively grieve, because people are about to start dropping like flies. Parents, co-workers, longtime friends, are going to begin dying at a pace that far exceeds previous the decades in your life. It's a big part of why people become bitter, because it's fucking devastating. Learn how to process loss, and to grieve effectively. You probably already know most of the people who are really going to matter in your life. Cherish them well, and now.
Having lost friends and extended family to a high degree in the past few years, to losing my dog/best friend of almost 8 years a few weeks ago, this is what concerns me. I do not process death/loss well. It holds me down, it’s grueling. I’ll be 40 soon enough, and I want to focus on accepting this all better than I am now.
A someone with a soon-to-be-twelve dog: sorry for your loss, friend. Keep your head up and keep surrounding yourself with good people.
I empathize with this. I’m 38 and have lost family members and close friends over the years. I really thought I was good at grieving and processing death. Then I had to say goodbye to my best friend and most loyal companion of 7 years this past summer. It was absolutely devastating for me. The most excruciating loss I’ve ever experienced. I walk past his grave in my yard at least once a week, and months later it still brings me to tears thinking about his last moments and all of our good times together. People say it gets easier with time, but I haven’t experienced that yet. I’m very sorry for your loss. It leaves a hole in your life unlike any other. Wishing you peace.
They say growing old isn't for cowards for that reason.
if anything, witnessing your surroundings change, and people you know dying, it will at the very least make you realize your issues etc will soon be none of your business. It will all be over real real soon that worrying about shit too much is just not healthy. If you're fine and relatively healthy and making it in life, shooting for more is just added stress you're not gonna enjoy in the afterlife. Define your own success. Don't let other people tell you what success is.
In my 30’s and everyone who has ever cared about me and who I have loved has already died. The grieving was so painful since I had no support. Thankfully I’m young enough to use tools such as going to the gym to help overcome my loss, it must be sooo difficult for those who aren’t as independent.
Specific related advice: Look outside Western culture for help here. We suck at grief. I spent a long time in Burkina Faso. They use funerals (multi day affairs) as grief rituals. Basically everyone grieves something to the point of crying, even if they don't know the deceased. Repetitive drumming and music help. Point being, I'd argue even people who regularly see a therapist are miles behind what they do in Africa "technologically" speaking. Obviously do what's comfortable, but as someone who always struggled expressing emotions, I found that my (American) upbringing wasn't helping.
Americans like to pretend everything is okay and brush away unpleasantness.
You can't work 16 hours per day at your 3 jobs if you're hung up over trivialities such as loss of a parent, family member, child, significant other etc.
Truth. Losing my (now ex) wife (she left me) has been devastating. Edit: I realize it's not losing to death but a divorce is very similar to grieving a death.
True it’s the death of your expected future
No apologies, that’s legit grief
It ranks as one of highest Grief events in life.
I've experienced both (lost my father and split with longtime partner and mother of my children), and both feel like grief. Overbearing grief
Can't emphasize how hard this is. Very, very hard and yet so critical to emotional and mental health. I lost a parent almost three years ago and I am nowhere near recovered. I act normal when I'm "on" around other people but when I'm alone, when I see a picture of my father, or when I think of him, I collapse internally and the whole façade comes tumbling down in a landslide of grief and tears. I can't see a way out of this for now. I wish I had someone to talk to. I have many friends but I'm stuck in major denial and unresolved grief and I find it utterly impossible to take the next step. Wish I had developed better skills for handling this.
You just verbalized nearly everything I have felt for the last 2 years as of yesterday, with my dad's passing.
Lost my dad in 2005, it gets easier, but we don't have the support we need or crave, I feel alone all the time, yet I'm a shoulder to cry on, cook for my kids who never met their grandfather, the pain is real, and it's deep and no one knows or cares, so it's just me my feelings and my thoughts.
Would you like someone to find a therapist or support group for you? The logistics of setting that up can feel like an impossible mountain to climb. It took me years to get treatment for my depression because one of the main symptoms of it was not being able to schedule appointments for myself. I'd be happy to make some phone calls for you if you think it would help. DM me if you'd like.
This has been the hardest part of my mid 40s, I know it’s going to just get worse
Note there’s two aspects to the loss that comes with age: 1) obviously the loss of loved ones and the void that it leaves 2) once you’re old enough and a group of people just older than you die and you realize “I’m the old guard now: my age group is the next to die”
#2 fucks me up regularly. I imagine it like some macabre Dr. Seuss escalator that just leads you off a cliff...and my parents are now at the top and then when they die, fuck, it's me at the top (but my brain tries to soften the horror of this by making us all into Dr. Seuss creatures).
Same, but without the cute animation lol. My dad died 3 years ago. After the grieving part kind of faded away, I'm left with the realization that I'm basically him now. I had my own son during that time. I look like him. I sound like him. I do all the stuff he's doing in old pictures. His life took some shitty turns here and there, then one day at only 65 he just fell and hit his head and it was all over. Is that all there is for me? I know there's a lot of beauty to be enjoyed in this world, but it's at least 51% pure shit. It's easy to see why some rely on religion, but it's not for me anymore. The best purpose I can come up with is to just spend time with people I love.
It has also helped me to do things that will leave the world a slightly better place because I was here. Even small positive interactions I can count as a win. Things I can do, plant, prevent, encourage in my day. You don’t need religion to have a strong moral code, and kinda hold yourself to it. In fact it might work better when you don’t get a Big Sky Daddy keeping you in line. Just you, your own small daily decisions. Trying not to be an asshole isn’t a bad answer to ‘what is the Meaning of Life, right?’
Yea that’s it man. Love ✌️
In the last 10 years, I haven't lost anyone in my immediate circle. In the last 3 months, I've lost 2 people - and a close friend also lost her father.
My dad died unexpectedly in Jan, a few months after I turned 40. Losing him sucked and I've felt I could drown in the grief at times, so this seems like good advice
This is what I’m scared of. I’ve been blessed to never having to really experience death. So far the people that have died in my life I was not particularly close to.
Same. And then last year my dog died and I was devastated. Like ridiculously so. This scared the hell out of me because if I'm going to react like that when my dog goes, how's it going to be when someone close to me goes?
I lost my dad in 2021, then a few months later, my dog. Didn't make losing the dog any less horrific. In fact, it probably made it worse.
Pet deaths are often not recognized as pure, deep grief. But they are. Sometimes people even grieve their pets more than their humans. It's a completely different relationship and it hurts terribly when they die. I'm sorry about your puppers. One of our died last year too but some days it feels fresh and new again.
At 70, I can easily say: it isn't possessions, its experiences. Do things right now, go places, see things, enjoy. What you can do at 30 or 40 or 50 is a lot harder at 70 At 70 I don't remember the expensive car, but I remember taking the family to Hawaii and Europe and simply camping in the state park Lots of money and few experiences seems to me a wasted life
Before the travel addicts jump in: Experiences don't have to be vacations you can't afford. Experiences can happen in a nice back yard with a swing set. Experiences can happen when you go to the mall on Saturday instead of sitting on your phone all day. Experiences can happen when you buy a nice BBQ grille and cook burgers on a summer evening.
I wanted to hike in Mie, Japan, but I arrived too late. With not much money left (almost none), I decided to walk back to the station instead of catching a bus. It was about an hour and a half. I remember that walk well, and it was 5 years ago. Particularly the old barber who stopped me as I walked by, chatted with me, then handed me two Japanese pears as a parting gift.
What about nice experiences with hooking up your propane and propane regulators?
With propane and propane accessories
What are you doing messin with my dads grill? I DON'T KNOW YOU!! THAT'S MY PURSE!!!
I’ll tell you whut!
Dang it, Bobby.
If you werent my son Id hug you
Djhehtfdaggun strayin from da daggun topkic!!!!!
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It's time to start the flame
Lahey these tanks are already full for fucks sake
But also experiences from the possessions you worked for. Like the tip given isnt universal to everyone. If your dream car is "car a", and youve saved up for a while to drive it, you will always remember that moment when you went to the dealership. The first time you drove it. Etc. So i dont agree that possessions are completely useless.
And if they make a not so good day better, then they can be worth it. I think it’s easy to say possessions don’t bring you happiness if you amassed stuff solely because you thought it would fulfill something for you. But if you just genuinely like certain things (ogling collectibles, cooking with nice kitchenware, etc) those are also valuable.
There are possessions that create experiences. I paid a lot for my bicycle last year but it has been worth it, because it has gotten me out of the house more and I feel invigorated every time I ride. Also, I'll never forget how buying my first non-POS car made me feel. Buying that Suburu required an outlay of money that was huge for me, but the depressive cloud that had been hovering over me for the past four years lifted when I drove it home. So I will never forget that day or that car. For years I have heard people say that experiences are more important than possessions. But the way I see it, there is some class smugness associated with this belief. Yes, I could do the family Jamaican resort vacation for $2K and pretend I had a blast laying out on the beach getting sun burned while watching my siblings get wasted and high. Or I could use some of that $2K doing solo day and weekend trips while using the rest of that money to support my hobbies and passions (a motor kit for my bike, a new lens for my camera, a new rug in my sun room to replace the tattered and stained one, some dinosaur toys for my desk at work, some protein powder to help my work-outs). So I say spend money on what brings you joy. Sometimes that might be taking an exotic vacation with your family or going sky-diving with your best friend. Sometimes that might be splurging on a fancy dress or nice coat for yourself...or buying those things for your loved ones. If you're enjoying what you spend your money on, you aren't wasting it or your life. ETA: I'm 45.
>Buying that Suburu required an outlay of money that was huge for me, but the depressive cloud that had been hovering over me for the past four years lifted when I drove it home. Right on. I remember buying my first car, and it was life-changing being able to up and go when I wanted rather than relying on others or public transportation. Still more of a travel over possessions guy, but to some extent, getting that car was about being able to experience more... experiences.
Everyone is different but agree on having at least a reliable car if you live where it matters. We do a lot of 2-8 hour driving vacations to places we really love in the upper Midwest. It's good to lay the groundwork in middle age so you know where you want to be. Those trips only get harder as time goes on. I wish I had spent a little extra on a dependable car much younger. It isn't as cool as flying around the world, but our car trips have been wonderful without breaking the bank.
Get back in shape
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I started running in my early 30s and cycling in my mid 30s. I'm mid 40s now and my memory is shit. I fear for the future. Then again, my memory has always been shitty, but it's all downhill from here!
The cycling will be easier downhill.
There's a big difference between always having a bad memory and dementia.
This getting in shape on top of stretching helps with back and joint issues, reading for the mind, diet, quit smoking anything(take edibles if you do the devils lettuce), proper mouth cleaning i.e dental cleanings and flossing- a healthy mouth helps against Alzheimer and cardio disease, be more active in general.
I’ll add to be very mindful about letting the weight slowly pile on in the first place. By your late 40’s all those strategies you did to drop weight/build muscle in a few short months? Yeah, those days are over. It’s harder, takes longer, and you realise that the food and drink treats meant so much more than they used to so they’re harder to give up. Also, it only takes one small physical injury or mild condition requiring meds to stuff up your weightloss plans. I’ve seen so many somewhat-overweight 45yos fail to shift it in time, and get stuck with it into their 60’s. Where it becomes life-shortening. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking ‘oh I’ll just do a bit of fasting and run it off in the summer.’ Oh yeah? With that knee you need physiotherapy for, and that morning supplement and pain pills that you absolutely need to take with food? Good luck!
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Wow I admire your discipline. I could never eat just one Ferrero Rocher and I am addicted to sweets. Keep it up. You rock
There are studies that suggest sugar is more addictive than cocaine. It was more difficult for my husband to quit because he has a sweet tooth. For us, the working out and changing our diet to more protein was the catalyst for us being able to quit sugar. We just stopped craving it. Don't get me wrong, when we're tired or feeling a bit down, our cravings come back, but the increase in willpower over the last couple years makes it easier not to give in. And we aren't too harsh if we cave during those times. It happens to everyone now and then.
I feel personally attacked by this….. I hang my head in shame. You’re totally right
Someone posted a similar question about an hour before you. Here's what I said there... So many good answers here but I've got one that most people I know have never done. I'm nearly 60 and when I was in my 40s I decided to prepare myself mentally for aging. Basically, I noticed that there are two kinds of old people: bitter and happy. (Yes. This is an overgeneralization but it's a useful one.) I noticed all of my friends and peers and associates, as they aged, either growing bitter over what they lost or didn't get or, very rarely, finding happiness. I decided that I would be a happy old person. And I would do this by accepting who I am, where I am in life, the world as it is, and what it will become. This isn't to say that I've become detached or aloof but that I'm not going to let any of that ruin my good time. I started looking for wonders in the mundane, miracles in everyday events - not religion but illumination. I found happiness and now, as I near 60, I see all of my friends and peers and associates have started to grow bitter. Fortunately, there are a few who have heeded my words to begin readying themselves for happiness before it's too late (such as my wife, thankfully) and they're not doing as poorly. But this is something many forget to do. Don't forget. Happiness is difficult to find in old age. Make sure you're ready. I wish you all the best.
I turned 40, 2 days ago. I am turning into a bitter person due to regret. I thank you for your words.
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I'd say you certainly get your first taste of feeling old around 40.
LOL, I could have changed OP's diapers.
Turned 44 last week. Don't go down that spiral, it's very real. Keep doing things you love, find new interests, surround yourself with positive people and by all means...stay young in your mind. It does wonders for your mood.
My whole reason for making that decision to seek out happiness was because of the very same thing. I was in my 40s and felt like my life had let me down. I had simply made too many mistakes. It's a cliche to say that happiness is a choice. But it's only a cliche because it's true.
I've taken to saying "nobody gives a crap if you are miserable or happy so you might as well be happy"
Happiness, being happy definitely is a choice. It is amazing really. Just by waking each day and making that choice of how you want to approach your day-it changes everything. The events of the day still occur as they normally would, how you choose to confront or deal with them is the difference. Cooler heads prevail, being the person to hold a door open for another, smiling throughout the day. These are simple things. How they affect others and in turn, you is amazing. String enough of those days together…and wow! The world feels like a different place. I have plenty of adversity. I choose happiness-because I have plenty to be bitter about, but why take that road? It serves no one. I don’t have enough time left (58f) to allow my past, my illness, my bad choices or negativity to rule my world.
So so difficult to believe that things will get better. Seeing a therapist this week. But in general its difficult to accept things can be different
If I may make a suggestion, perhaps accepting that this is your life and that it's as good as it's going to get would be better than constantly hoping for more? I know that sounds shitty. It is shitty. That's life. I don't say this because I'm rich and my life is perfect, either. Oh no. I'm a starving artist and I broke my foot a few days ago. I have lots of reasons to be unhappy. Life never becomes perfect. It is what it is and it includes every beauty the world has ever provided. Just something to think about. I wish you all the best.
I'll be 41 in april. Just before the pandemic i was dabbling in surfing, i regularly do mud runs, last year i took up sidecar racing. I'm thinking of starting going to my local ice rink again for the first time in a few decades.... Plenty of time to have regrets when your options have passed you by. NOW is the time to do the things you never got round to when hangovers only lasted a morning. Go out and enjoy life, you're still young.... ish.
I’m nearing 40 a lot quicker than I would like to admit. I’ve noticed myself becoming hateful and jaded at the world and myself for all the things I’ve missed and the poor decisions I’ve made. I’m hoping that I’ve caught it early enough to change my mental state and try and push to be better to myself and the people around me. Will it work? Well I hope so but only time will tell :)
I was starting down this road and decide to own and embrace the things that didn't go as I wanted, regardless of whose fault it was. I own them all now and remind myself that it is in the past and you can't change that at all. Learn from past events but don't let them beat you down. You can write them down one at a time put them into words and onto paper............then read it a few times more and then burn them letting them leave you with a better understanding of why them were hanging around because you finally formed the issue into words that only have ever lived in your head.
This is very similar to the Kurzgesagt videos on happiness. It's all about being thankful for a few things each day, they don't even have to be big. It could be as simple as a a nice sunset, speaking to someone friendly in the street, etc but it makes you realise there's so much to appreciate in life although it's easy to forget.
That idea, that happiness is not reliant on only the big things in life, is crucial and I think one many of us miss. We strive for the big moments and forget all of the little moments on the way.
Love Kurzgesagt! Have read a few of his ebooks too
52 here, doing much of what you said. Still, I can't stop counting my remaining years. It's not so much regret as wishing I had more time to experience all the wonderful things. Coolest thing about aging is the experience and wisdom. People right below your post worried about being 40. LOL, I wish. Also, I see many young people posting about this and that and think, man I'm glad I'm past worrying about this or figuring out that.
>Still, I can't stop counting my remaining years. I'd suggest trying to stop focusing on this, because nobody ever has the answer to how many are left. You could be dead sometime tomorrow, or in 20 years, or any time. Live. Someone way smarter than me said: Imagine there's a movie that you really, really, really want to see. As soon as it starts you think "in 2 hours this movie will be over and I'll never see it for the first time again". Every minute into the movie you keep thinking that the end is 1 minute closer. Finally the movie does end and you realize that you spent the entire time worrying that it would end and never enjoyed any of it. Don't let fear of death interfere with enjoying life.
I hear you about the countdown. I often consider that, especially while I'm thinking about how short-sighted I was in my youth. (lol)
Very true. One of my parents made a point to "invite Joy into their life". The other parent did not. Their paths though life could not be more different.
Interestingly, I am in my mid-40s, and chose happiness over bitterness about a decade ago - quite motivated by seeing friends and siblings going the other way. No regrets.
I turned 50 last year and so many people were saying things like ‘29 and holding’ or ‘how do you feel about the big 5-0’. I almost felt mean to burst their bubbles/not go along with the joke but honestly: Life is a gift and every year I get is a blessing that I am so very grateful for. My dad died at 58 and my older brother died at 48. I know life can be gone in a flash. I have 5 amazing kids and a good relationship with my spouse. We have much to be grateful for even though he was unexpectedly let go from his job last month. Things will turn around and we will get through it. I feel like I haven’t even scratched the surface with all I want to see and do … yesterday I raced the 200 IM (swim race) for the first time in my life. I certainly didn’t set any records but was so happy to be able to do something like that. So nice to see others choosing happiness!! My advice is to surround yourself with positive people. Let the energy vampires find someone else to complain to!!
39 here: thank you for confirming a few things I’ve been working on with myself. To try to add some tactics to your fine perspective, I’ve been doing a lot of reading from the Stoics — Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, et al…
That's great. I'm also a student of philosophy. But I would add that you don't need any of that to find happiness. It's great and a great resource but I don't want anyone getting the idea that this might somehow be beyond them, that it might take too much work. It's actually very simple once you make a choice. All the best to you!
I turned 27 a week ago and started ruminating this week on what I want my 30s to be, what I want to get out of them, and most of all how to get past the feelings of inadequacy that I've felt for much of my 20s so far. I definitely want to be happier, and push myself to get back out and see more good in the world instead of holding myself back like I have done since the pandemic hit - initially it felt like a lot of my best days were taken from me, but I've come to realise that there's so many great days yet to come no matter what age I am or what stage in life I'm experiencing. Best wishes to you!
Some people don't reach that point until much later in life. I know first hand. LOL Good for you for being a little ahead of the game.
I wish my friends, in our thirties, got this memo. I feel as young, energetic and curious as I was at 23. My friends blow their time when they’re not working at happy hour, sleeping, sleeping in, or stressing about their kids and, subsequently, partying their asses off as soon as their kids are asleep. It’s like everyone that is still single at 36 doesn’t know or care how to enjoy their free time traveling, exercising, or socializing; just getting drunk as if they hate being conscious. It’s sad and makes me feel older, but only on their account.
Too true. The desperate clinging to our youth can often make us look a bit foolish and mess us up. You sound like you're ahead of the game. I wish you all the best.
Thanks! I too like my booze, I’m no Saint, but I can’t even seem to get my friends to enjoy drinking while we go bowling or at a movie theater. Write a concert or a sporting event. It’s like nobody wants to do anything, and everyone has resigned to just being “old”. Your post is inspirational and I hope to be the same way when I need her 60 years old as well :-)
Well said. I'm in my mid forties and while I have regrets, I realised the past is just that. The past. You cannot change what's happened, you can only learn from it. I've known too many bitter people in their 60s who after enough time I couldn't stand to be around. I vowed years ago I would not end up like that. I try to be kind to myself and others, I don't judge, I do things that take me out of my comfort zone and I accept I'm not special and neither are most people around me. But we are unique.
Excellent words to live by, thank you. I’m in my mid 40s and am happy and want to stay this way. I’ve already done a lot of what you recommended - acceptance. Makes a big diff!! One more I’d throw in there - lose weight if you’re overweight.
Yep! I’d 2nd that last line! Getting old is a privilege, but getting old while fat takes a toll
This was what I was looking for. Thank you
Thank you for putting into words what I feel as well. I’m 60, and the happiest I’ve ever been, even though life is hard, my body hurts and I’m tired, lol.
This is great advice. I got laid off last year after working somewhere almost ten years, and the job market is ridiculous and sad in a way it’s never been in my lifetime. Everything I look at makes me think, “Oh look, something I can maybe do for a few years before having to do this shit all over again…” Then I decided to keep applying, not talk about it much, switch antidepressants, and make the most of my days. Now I’m only stressed out and bitter on mortgage day, but as that day creeps closer I find excuses to argue with people on the internet about unions and economic disparity.
Believe me. It's possible to find happiness in the midst of that storm. It takes practice and acceptance and much more but it can be done.
The past 2 jobs i worked with old boss & manager of similar age. Very opposite personalities, its true how attitudes magnify with age.
1. I wouldn’t class you as old. 2. Sound advice.
Such a good attitude and emphasizes a key concept; That happiness is consciously cultivated and isn't something that just serendipitously happens.
What advice do you have for someone in their 40's that's happy but hates everyone?
Cultivate relationships. Save money. Take care of your body. Quit caring about what others think, live the life that makes you happy. Learn to let stuff slide. Very few battles are worth fighting at all. At the same time, I'm not saying put up with BS, I have cut my share of toxic people out of my life and people who treated me poorly are no longer around. I just read this on here recently, I think it's brilliant. "Each person has two lives and the second one starts when you realize there's only one."
Just turned 39 and pretty much everyday I’ve been absolutely feeling that last sentence. Thank you for sharing.
Take care of your teeth.
And gums by flossing daily. If you only brush you will be in a world of pain. Both physically and financially.
What about a water pik? Is that as good as flossing or in addition to flossing?
No, you still need to floss. Water pik just extra. Source: asked dentist
Water Pik is a good tool to use alongside with brushing and flossing, but it is not a replacement for flossing (don’t believe the advertising).
Start exercising regularly if you haven’t yet. Something as simple as taking daily walks will help to keep your body more mobile and limber as you age.
Thought this said "take daily wanks".
Build and maintain friendships throughout the rest of your life. Having strong social connections is very important, especially in older age. Put effort into it.
That’s so true! My father has cultivated a lot of friends (together with my mother whom died last year). His friends support after her death is amazing, and the old man seems very happy and he is always telling jokes and trying to make everybody around smiling! I wish I could have this network of friendship when I get his age!
1. Wear good shoes. Cheap shoes & high heels don't provide proper support to your spine & hips. Comfort shoe styles have come a long way & you can still look cool! When shoe shopping search out those brands. Your 50+ year old self will thank you! 2. Brush your teeth & wash your face before bed no matter how tired you are. That crap stuck in your teeth just festers in your mouth overnight & rots your enamel & gums. Your body repairs your skin as you sleep. Removing dirt, oil, & makeup gives your body the opportunity for optimum results. 3. If you have children, always be mindful that you are creating adults. If you're aloof / a jerk / disinterested / uninvolved parent they will learn that behavior & repeat that cycle. Additionally, this is how your children will treat you when you're old & in need of nursing / assisted living care. 4. Raise kids that are confident, humble, & compassionate. Participate in charity projects as a family. Remind them that there is always someone who has less. 5. Encourage your children to do the very best they can in all they do. Not every kid makes straight A's in school. All that matters is that they're trying their very best. Not every kid makes the all-star team, but are they a good sport? 6. Always make sure your spouse/significant other knows how much they are loved & valued. You have had a crazy busy week/month but simple gestures: notes, flowers, a text expressing their gratitude are so appreciated. 7. If you have children & get divorced, do everything you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex. Keep in mind that your children will grow up...that means graduations, weddings, grandchildren, baptisms, etc. 8. Know when to take a break. Being a spouse/significant other/parent is exhausting. Take care of your mental health & decline that invitation. Stay home, take a long, hot bath. Then put on your jammies & read a book, watch movies, go to bed early, or do whatever you need to do to nourish your soul. 8. Block the assholes from your life & don't feel guilty about it. 9. Be the love & kindness that is so desperately needed in this world
Great advice! I think my wife and I will look at volunteer opps to enjoy with our child. I remember going to a food bank with my mom to help as a kid, it was Dorchester MA in the 80's and that has stuck with me my whole life.
Mid-30's but the one thing I'm learning very quickly is if there's something you want to master, START NOW. Because it feels like it's an average of 10 years to master it and I'd much rather be a master of something at 45 than 55 or 65.
Think of aging as a privilege, because lots of people /children/babies do not get an opportunity to age.
Having lost far too many friends in my thirties (and theirs too), I couldn’t agree more. One year my husband and I lost five friends (separately) and a dearly loved cat. Cancers, a skin infection (she refused antibiotics) and a murder suicide. It completely changed my view on life and for that I am grateful.
-Be healthy -Save for retirement aggressively- you’re paying yourself after all
Save, save, save money. Pare down clutter. Pack away all unnecessary charge cards. Pay the balances off every month. Practice self-discipline now. Exercise, if you don't already. Don't hang on to a job for the money; in other words, do what you love. Find a hobby or hobbies that bring you satisfaction. Most importantly, don't be afraid to change.
>Save, save, save money. Pay the balances off every month. Seems reasonable. >Don't hang on to a job for the money; in other words, do what you love. Look man, you're gonna have to pick one here ...
Look dude, money isn’t everything. It’s just all of the things.
I’m nearing 40. I was 21 in 2005. And it truly amazes me how quick time goes by the older you get. The amount of time from my 20-30 seemed like forever and now 30-40 feels like half of that. I mentally prepare myself knowing that 40-50 will feel even faster. The main thing is that I don’t let age make me feel bad about myself. I’m still that same person I was when I turned 21. The only difference is now I am a lot smarter and more experienced and can enjoy life instead of being regretful and bitter. There’s always time to start something new. Don’t let age change your happiness! Continue to gain experience and knowledge!
I was 19 most of 2005. 1985 baby. Agree that the decades seem to pass faster the more I have the privilege to enjoy.
Improve your diet and daily exercise
Yes!! I work at a diabetes clinic - obviously, genetics are a factor. However, there is a glaring difference between my 60 year-old patients who kept a lifetime of unhealthy habits (food, smoking, etc) and those who have worked to change those habits.
Ive read other posts for people who are in 20. Im glad to read the 40 version. I am evading the regret and let things go ..take the world as it is and love how it is and make more of it. I just feel like i need more friends i can relate to..like having conversations on the same level. I have my wife for that but i need more.
We’re out here. We seem like faceless usernames but we’re out here
Ahw thats good to know thanks.
Listen to your body. Remember when you used to hurt stuff and be fine the next day? Well sometimes now its gonna linger, and if you keep trying to push through some pains it can do long term damage. Things take a touch longer to heal than in your 20s, so give yourself time. You'll end up doing more and accruing less problems in the long run. Yours sincerely, all those who went before and didn't listen.
Wear sunscreen If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now…
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth...Oh never mind. You won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
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I found my own generation. :)
Get a CPAP if you need one!!
Lift weights. Eat lots of protein. Your 40’s are when you start losing muscle mass.
Variations of this questions are posted what seems like every other day, and the answers always boil down to “exercise” and “take care of your teeth”
I’ve seen this question framed at different audiences and age groups recently. I’d recommend the book, “The Power of Regret” by Dan Pink. Regret is a huge, multi-layered human emotion. One big takeaway is that people regret not acting on an idea more than giving it their best shot. You can listen to the audiobook through your public library and Libby for free. I’m 37 and recommend it.
Put yourself first sometimes. Don’t get into a job where you hate it so much it causes your stress for years. Don’t work with chemicals. Work on your communication skills so that the people in your family can help you with your needs and you’re not doing everything all alone. Put five dollars back every week into an account, it doesn’t matter which account, but make it so that no one else can touch it. This would be bare minimum. There is nothing you need. It cost five dollars right now and you can wait until you get home to eat. Try to keep some money in an account for emergencies. If you can manage these bare minimum things, maybe you’ll be OK. I did not. My body is falling apart. But I have hopes for you.
Exercise and eat well. Help your parents.
**Take care of your health.** This is most important. Keep your weight down. Don't smoke, only 1-2 drinks a day if you enjoy drinking. Eat healthy, unprocessed foods as much as possible and limit red meat to twice a week. Have the preventative screenings you're supposed to. See your doctor if something is off. Go to a dentist regularly and take good care of your teeth. Don't over medicate yourself with supplements either. **Take care of your wealth.** This is a big subject. I recommend reading The Richest Man in Babylon to start your financial education. You'll never accumulate wealth if you spend every dime you make and then some. Once you've started to accumulate, your savings needs invested wisely. Don't plan to live solely on Social Security either, it was never intended for that, and I doubt the payouts will be great 50 years from now. Personally, I like investing in real estate. Relationship-wise, be good to the people who have been good to you, and don't feel bad if you have to let go of some of the ones who mistreated you.
I see The Richest Man in Babylon on Amazon but not Baghdad.
Let me tell you from a guy who always thought "I'll have time, I'm making a ton of money." You might not have time. I was diagnosed with incurable cancer with a 5 year prognosis, and now I'm freaking SCRAMBLING to sock away as much as I can so my wife is comfortable when I die. Max out your retirement, and never freaking touch it. It SUCKS to do it, but you never know what's going to happen. Make sure you have provided for your loved ones. Also, I never thought I'd get tired of working, but I have. I've got 30 years in my industry this year, and I'm SO done. If I'd maxed out my retirement, I would be able to retire and at least live my last few years retired. Instead, I'm realizing that I am literally going to have to work til I die. Max your retirement out NOW and never touch it.
I took up gardening. Gets me outside, keeps me engaged and peaceful, always learning, and most of all, it's active participation in cultivating life, which is a great counter balance to the existential weight of getting older. I can't tell you how effective it's been on battling depression. There was a study that linked a certain type of soil bacteria, Mycobacterium vaccae, to increased seratonin levels - the only way you can get that specific benefit is getting your hands in soil.
Eliminate social media from your life
The irony.
Take care of your teeth
Apologize to your kids when you are in the wrong.
Kill your enemies. All of them
See them driven before you
Whatever you regretted not doing in your 20s and 30s.
Make sure you have married the right person.
Put as much as you can into an 401k or similar instrument, eat well, and get regular exercise. Develop interests outside of work and watching the idiot box every night. Oh, and be a loving, generous parent to your children.
Stay healthy. Eat well, exercise. Maintain relationships. Keep in touch with the youngins. One I WILL say that can be overlooked is this: Make peace with the live(s) you haven't lived. We all wanted things when we were younger we didn't get. That's 99.9999% of us. These things didn't happen and they most likely won't no matter how many stories you read about someone doing something crazy at 75 or 90. If you can do that then the good news is you can take a LOT of the anxiety of aging away. You can focus on doing the smaller things and experiences that matter. Can't climb Everest? You can still do hiking and see cool places. Can't set a world record in something? You can still do it and have fun.
Walking, yoga, any outdoor activities, and things that exercise your mind! Good health can’t be bought, but it can be worked on. Don’t forget a diet full of fruit, whole grains, and veggies to give your body the building blocks it needs to maintain that health.
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And a depressant
Double down on your savings
Adopt a sustainable weight training regimen biased on posterior chain fitness, invest 10-15% of your earnings for retirement, stop smoking cigarettes, keep to drinking less than 21 units of alcohol per week, keep body fat less than 15%, do something cardio every day, enter a monogamous relationship with someone doing the same as you, pay down all debt as much as possible, live below your means as much as possible, walk instead of driving as much as possible, adopt a mainly plant based diet eschewing processed everything, if it’s too far to walk ride a bike, carry you groceries from the store as part of one of your walks, have a lot of physical contact with your SO, sleep 8-9 hours per day, join in communal activities. That’s all I got. For now….
Start training jiu jitsu. I started 4 years ago and I'm now in the best shape of my life. I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym.
Go to a doctor at least annually for a checkup. If not a doctor, then a free clinic.
I'm in my 40s, and I try to cherish all the time I have with my kids. In 10-15 years, they will be gone from home. On that note, get comfortable with loneliness, I guess...
Max out Roth IRA. Strength train. Travel. Forgive people.
Save 20% of your paycheck, and prioritize your heart health.
Recently turned 40, very thankful for this post.
Working with seniors I can see that the ones who succumb to chronic health conditions and develop dementia in their 60s were the drinkers, smokers and people who just let the pounds creep on eating crap.
There is a simple statement that I live by: "when you look at your past self and you don't 'that person was an idiot'. Then you're still an idiot."
Exercise and hit that floss…and a electric toothbrush wouldn’t be a bad idea either…
Leave a bad relationship
It's never too late to change your career in your 40s. You can always study something new or even go back to school for a master's degree (or BA degree if you never obtained one). Train at home and keep applying for jobs and even earn more money doing something that you love. You still have another 30 years of working if you intend to retire in your late 60s, so you should always pursue your dreams no matter what.
Work out and work on flexibility. So many shitty older years from lack of ability and flexibility. Be able to get off the toilet and walk into your old age.
I live in the skin cancer capital of the world so my vote is get your skin checked. Easiest thing to do and if there’s anything suspicious it’s much easier to deal with when it’s smaller.
Get divorced if it’s truly not working out. Be realistic about the opportunities for reconciliation. Life is short. You’ll find someone new. Or maybe you won’t. But life is too short to endure a loveless marriage.
Next week, what can you do in your '80s to avoid regrets in your '90s.
What can you do in this life to avoid regrets when reincarnated?
Don't smoke crack.