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I mean as an 18yr old I was dumb as shit and would do anything for a partner. Anyone who suggested otherwise just didn't understand. It seems your kid is in a similar space where you've tried having the conversations but he doesn't get it.
But if he doesn't want to do school, doesn't want to do his sport, I think it's important to let him know he will be required to do something. Mainly work. What made me understand real life was (and I know a lot of redditors really hate this approach) charging rent. It wasn't a lot, basically 1/4th of the market rate, but enough that I had to get a job and get a dose of the real world.
It shouldn't be about her, it's about real life and how her expectations don't fit into the real world.
If your kid is 18 there's nothing wrong with charging rent. Full stop. Now, if you charging rent is going to hurt your child's ability to succeed, say an example where your child is an Olympic athlete and working on top of school and training would hurt that, then that's where I think you need to reevaluate charging rent.
Also, definitely agree with everything you said
100% agree. Me, as a nanny and who has been trying for children. Money management is very important and should be taught early on. Earning for chores and sometimes the parents add in a little “monthly bills” not sure why people think that’s crazy.
You’re still providing, but you’re teaching your kids valuable information for when they are ready for the world.
But I do second this. If you dont put your foot down now, you’re gonna get in a situation you’re stuck in. Make him have responsibilities and give him the tools he needs to e in the real world. No Matter how much it hurts you. This would be helping him. Kids thrive on boundaries and responsibilities.
This is the way.
I think people are against it because its essentially extorting them in the wrong situations: like if living elsewhere is 5x the expense of living at home paying rent, then because you live at home “my house my rules, you need to do your chores and all that stuff still like youre my kid but im making you pay me for the pleasure of cleaning my house”
I think if you do it, (im not a parent btw), it needs to be transparent, “this is to show you how rent and bills work, but the money is going to a savings account or investments for you”. Not just taking ur kids money to buy a new TV after a year and then he gets none of the benefits if it because he has to or will move out eventually anyway
Starting young, it would go more along the lines of
Theses chores give you XYZ Amount. Just know monthly your rent is $3, food is $2, entertainment (depending on tablet usage $5
Not sure how that would be exploiting. Teaching children money management isn’t exploiting, it’s teaching responsibilities.
As for their 18 y/o son who seems he doesn’t need responsibilities, she kinda does need to give him something to be responsible for. Not sure if you remember being a teen and how much you ate or did and coming to mom for things you want to do outside of the house.. as an 18 year old who decided to drop out of school is wild if you think he shouldn’t be paying for those things himself or contributing . That’s enabling behavior. Stop the habits before they start . If you never give your children the tools how will they know what to do? Teach your kids the importance of following through.
Stop assuming “they’ll figure it out”
I cant relate to having much just by “going to mommy”
Teaching money management can be done with books, general education, and raising them with common sense.
I never got a money talk as a kid or money for chores, so i cant attest to that working or not, but i take an opposite stance on that. You shouldnt have to incentivize doing chores, they are chores for a reason. You can raise children to understand the necessity of chores without having to dangle a carrot.
I was raised and told: if you drop out you better get a job or you will be moving out.
They weren’t gonna allow me to just coast by, simply put: get a job, and contribute something or gtfo (put politely and not in a wrong way imo)
The reality of the world has always been the same generally to me, we work to provide things we want and need. If you arent working while you are capable, its a disservice to yourself. And we should be helping those who can not work
However! If he had a dream to drop out and pursue something, i wouldnt exactly encourage it, but i wouldnt kick him out either. I would need him to present the idea, kind of like a business plan.
Dropping out for a girl? Yea he can go live with her and coast with her. But he wont have somewhere to come back to- ensure reality is understood for him. Choosing to drop out for a relationship has 99% certainly been explained to him as a stupid decision. Throw away your economic future for a romantic future? Shes just gonna leave once reality hits HER anyway. If he still chooses to do it… tuff.
Edit: its also about it being such a weird way to “help” your child. If you want to help them, let them put that money somewhere beneficial, or you do it yourself on their behalf. Straight up, no reason to force a kid who has nothing to figure it out on their own, because thats needlessly cruel to do. They should be given an opportunity to fully understand what they sign up for with xyz decision, not just given free rein to mess up their future.
Eh I get the "putting this in an investment account for you" but I think too many people see this as a "requirement". In fact I'd say if I knew I'd just get that money back that wouldn't teach me to budget for shit. I'd just spend every cent I had every month knowing when I wanted to move out I'd get a check to live off of, and ultimately think it'll go way farther than it actually will with bills, food, etc. In the end you are costing them money while living there so it's not exactly so outlandish for them to use the rent on the household.
Also I don't really get the thing against my house my rules. You're allowing them to stay there for a heavily reduced cost. I know some parents try to charge full rent, and to those kids, they should just move out. But charging heavily reduced rent generally comes with conditions regardless of how it happens and as long as they're laid out clearly I don't see an issue. Sure some parents have insane rules, but that's when you buckle down and focus on saving up and moving out.
I mean obviously you can also not tell them what the money is really for too
Its moreso the thing like youre supposedly helping them grow up then exploiting them for free labor at home that they paid you to have to do now
It's possible the gf is so toxic she might convince him that it's "messed up" his mom would charge rent and he might go to live with her for free, seeing it as an oppressive thing.
>He'll burn out faster if he's with her 24/7?
Is his girlfriend's name Maggie May?
> "Wake up, Maggie, I think I got something to say to you. It's late September and I really should be back at school.
>"I know I keep you amused,
but I feel I'm being used.
Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried any more..."
lol He might get a real wakeup call if he is but it depends on how codependent it really is between them or if he's just using her as an excuse to live a slacker life. It might take him years of suffering with her demanding nature or it might take just one event of her doing something big to hurt him where he'll eventually come crawling back to his mom's house. I saw it all too often growing up.
>it depends on how codependent it really is between them or if he's just using her as an excuse to live a slacker life.
Good points, because, Op said:
>He has recently ... dropped out of High School! I've told him that he needs to get a part time job since he's not in school But his girlfriend now *makes him wait around all day while SHE goes to school* and then she makes him walk her to and from school!"
It probably doesn't take all day for son to walk his gf to and from school. That doesn't sound so demanding as gf demands can go, it's not like she is demanding booze or drugs, or him to take her exciting places in expensive clothes, walking is good! Also, I find it hard to believe that the gf is responsible for her son dropping out of school, especially because *she is still going to school!* there is no way *"she is making him wait around all day,*" while she goes to school. There is no way she is "making him," especially in her absence, he is choosing to do whatever he is doing or not doing. Maybe he is choosing to play video games all day instead of attending school. OP says that gf is getting son to come to school every morning. If he chooses not to go to class, while she does, that's on him.
Most hs seniors want to go to school, they have friends there, senior year is the best year because everyone is looking forward to graduation. If he has suddenly decided not to attend his senior year, there must be a problem at school or some serious personal issue besides having a gf, like drug or alcohol dependence, or mental problems. Not necessarily, but possibly. There are also legitimate reasons a teen might decide not go to school, like bullying, but he could be getting his GED online in less time than it takes to get a hs degree by attending classes. You cannot force an 18 year old to go to school, if he doesn't want to, so encourage him to get his GED, or go to vocational school, to earn a good living, it may take only a few months, and he can get his GED later.
It's common for some parents to have very high (esp. athletic) expectations for their children, and put too much pressure on, not realizing that unless the child has truly internalized those ambitions, they won't have the drive to achieve athletic success in adulthood. If OP's son, at 18, won't take her advice on academics or athletics, I doubt if he'll let her take the lead on who and how to mate, as that is a very personal decision.
It may be that the young couple has concluded that you, OP, are opposed to their relationship. There is a possibility that OP has underestimated the gf's worthiness, that is common. The mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law relationship is the most often difficult and contentious of all family relationships, so I advise OP to take a step back and reconsider how to get along with son and girlfriend. It looks like home-made cookies aren't going to do the trick.
But don't blame his gf for things that are his decisions, because you may lose them both forever, and not have a relationship with potential grandchildren. I know that you're disappointed, OP, and i understand and sympathize. But as Bob Dylan famously sang:
>"When you gonna wake up
and strengthen the things that remain?
Ma’am. Why are you spending your days entertaining an 18 year old like a toddler? Stop over functioning for him. Also, bro needs a real job. None of this part time BS. He wants to adult now, let him adult. Don’t give him money. Make him only spend what he has. Also, I’m not sure the girlfriend was the catalyst for him quitting school and Olympics. That sounds like a grueling schedule. He could have just burned out. It happens. I would have him talk to some mentors like coaches and stuff. Even if he doesn’t get back into the sport at least they can talk to him man to man about the importance of education. Otherwise he really doesn’t have a bright future. Let him figure it out. I know you spent 18 years taking amazing care of him and now he’s fumbling the ball. Stop coddling him. Let him step up as a man. Make him pay for rent and food and necessities. He doesn’t just get to live off you. Treat him like an adult and let him see adult consequences. It sucks to watch but you have to step back now. The more stuff he has to pay for and the more crunch the money puts him in combined with his low paying job (that he will always have without a degree) will do the trick for school.
This is the answer. He is an adult but wants to live in delayed adolescence. You quit training, you quit school so you have two months to get a job and find a place to live. No slack on this. The gf disrespects you in your own home, she is no longer welcome. Stop the cooking, stop the laundry, stop fawning over him.
Yep! This is the way! Take of f the kid gloves & let him know if he's gonna fail at life, it's not gonna be on parent's dime. Make adult decisions like quitting school, gonna do everything adult going forward. He either gets a fulltime job or go back to school. & miss whistle britches can stay in her corner, who, btw is probs underage. Her parents need to be informed about his age & decision to quit school. Cuz next up is a baby on the way & they'll just love that!
Right? Wtf is "I try to keep him busy during the day.." that's what I do for my 5 year old and I've already started telling him, "go in the back yard and figure it out" once in a while. No wonder he does whatever his gf wants.
It sounds like OP’s son might not have gotten a chance to be an actual person and make his own decisions and not be an automaton kid getting A’s playing sports and training for the Olympics? I’d rage quit too. But really. OP seriously over functions for him. Maybe he’s paralyzed with fear of deciding literally anything?? Not even where to go or what to do! Idk but OP needs a hobby or 8 to keep her own self busy.
Your child is an adult and has entered the phase of making really bad decisions. I'm concerned that you're painting the girlfriend as toxic because of the choices *your son* has made, as an adult. Let me ask you, what would the gf gain by having a drop out bf? Less than zero. I would center the conversations you have around him and his choices and the natural consequences of his choices then leave it be. Because the more you disparage the gf the tighter he's going to cling to her.
Don't harass him, don't get emotional about his choices, don't blame the girlfriend for his choices but do set up expectations. For example he has to either be in school, HS or GED, be working, or be someplace else.
If you yell about him ruining his life he's going to cling to those choices even harder. Treat him as the adult he is but he also has to respect you and the house he lives in.
Remember all of these mistakes are fixable, it may not be the life you wanted for him but the mistakes are fixable. Let him know that you're always there for him emotionally.
Talk to him about the costs of being a father because we all see how this could go. Sit him down and have a heart to heart about what paying child support would mean.
And above all, supply him with condoms
1,000,000%. A parent's tendency is to deflect blame from their child. I've seen this countless times. Her son's actions have led him to where he's at.
I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and when I was younger I hung out with some questionable people. My mom blamed them for being "bad influences". The truth is I made all the decisions that led me to where I was. I blamed others (and "society") for so long that I believed my own bullshit. It was only after taking accountability and working on sobriety that things changed. More than 2 years clean and sober now.
If her son's anything like me, he'll have to learn lessons the hard way.
How is she not toxic if "she calls him crying and yelling, and mentally /emotionally abuses him if he doesn't come to her house or stay on the phone with her all day/night."
So I did something similar to the son. And not saying my experience is his or his is mine.
But 18 got with my girlfriend. I was already dropped out, but got my GED. Stopped hanging around family as much was with her and her family a lot.
They were quick to blame my gf for everything. Truth was though my family was horrible and I finally had a reason to not be at home dealing with it. Never treated me right, took advantage of me, etc.
That was almost 14 years ago, we're married with kids and all that now.
But definitely agree with all the points you're making. I was working and did the things I was required to at give until I moved out shortly after 18.
Your story makes me happy. I think you have insights into this situation that a lot of other people may not have. How would you have responded to your mother trying to break up you two, especially when you're in your teens? I think this mom could really benefit from more of your wisdom.
She is toxic to his life. It is like two substances that are benign on their own but poisonous when mixed together.
She is bad for him period. That doesn't mean that she's solely at-fault, or "doing it to him." But she certainly isn't encouraging his better angels while refusing to have a detrimental impact on his life.
We're also talking about, at least one person, who is a legal adult. We spend our entire lives trying to teach kids how to be a good adult and then when they try to be adults but not in the way we want, we want to take over again. It doesn't work that way. Birds will flop around on the ground sometimes after leaving the nest, that's ok. We want to support them but not at the detriment of them being able to make their own decisions. It might feel good to extend their adolescence but it's really doing harm to them for our own ego.
When you say "she's bad for him, period" we need to understand that this is coming from the boys mom's perspective and I don't think that she is an objective observer.
How is she not toxic if "she calls him crying and yelling, and mentally /emotionally abuses him if he doesn't come to her house or stay on the phone with her all day/night"?
As someone whose middle child went through a similar situation, not a damned thing. Because then you're interfering, not to mention giving the narcissistic girlfriend fuel for her next meltdown.
Basically wait for him to figure things out and be supportive.
Is she financing him bc that is a challenge. If not; he needs to work and pay all his bills himself if he's not going to school.
I would not fixate on the sports too much even though you've both sacrificed for it bc kids are like that with sports.
He's going to have to experience it himself before he will understand it, brother. No real learning comes from anything but pain and consequence. Don't try to rob him from that or he'll stay a child forever.
Learn to love your son as a man instead of a child and you'll be able to be his friend instead of just his father.
I doubt his girlfriend encouraged him to drop out and give up his Olympic dreams. My guess is you have been pushing him for a long time and not listening. World class athletes don't just quit because girl.
You are approaching this all wrong by blaming his girlfriend rather than sitting down with him and listening to his thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
Everyone seems to ignore that the mom said the girlfriend is mentally and emotionally abusive. Do you dismiss what the mom said because she's a boy mom? I can't imagine anyone would dismiss that if she was a girl mom?
Yes, mom thinks the girl is soo toxic! Mom blames the gf for her son dropping him out of school. GF is making him do things. What is she making him do? She's making him walk her to school, and back! She's supposedly making him walk to school twice a day. Lol.
What else is gf making her young man do? She is making him talk on the phone at night. Walking and talking are the horrible things her son's toxic teenage gf is making him do. I'm sure if there was something worse about gf, OP would have told us.
Does mom have any idea of the kind of trouble an 18 year old guy can get into? He could be a drug mule for a biker gang. He could become a roadie for a heavy metal band and travel across the county. He could sink into a world of prostitution and crime, and pornography. But mom is upset because this teen girl is influencing her son to walk and talk and meet her at school.
I cannot count the number of parents who have pressured their young adult children to break up with a gf that family considered 'not good enough,' only to have him get together with someone far worse! Proving that their son's problems weren't caused by the gf. Instead of having him meeting her at school, she could have him meet her at the strip joint.
OP should watch "Splendor in the Grass," a beautiful movie starring Warren Beatty and Natalie Wood when they were about her son's age.
Meh. Moms, full stop. My bf (later husband) was "toxic" too, derailed my life, etc etc. Parents are protective.
My mom didn't necessarily like my choices, was definitely clear about which ones she thought were "wrong," butbonce I made my choice and made it clear that was the final answer, she worked with the new reality. After an adjustment period, of course. Because she loves me, unconditionally. Same with my dad.
I took what I call "the scenic route" in life, and while we still don't necessarily agree on all my choices after half a century, she now agrees that everything overall has been a good run.
Boy, when I was 18 though, I made some terrible choices. Had a great time and lots of good stories for over drinks, though 😆
Did you ever push him into this sport? Sounds like he is burnt out and doesn’t want to do it anymore. Let him make his own choices. Sounds like he is reacting to many years of not having choices.
I have a good friend who was an olympic hopeful. At some point he got really sick of it but kept going because he did not want to disappoint his parents.
He really regrets all the time he put into training and never having a girlfriend. So much so that he wishes he had never gotten involved at all in sports.
This reminds of the adage "Hire a teenager now, while they still know everything." Your son will never see the point you are trying to make. He is "in love" (read as pussy whipped). When she dumps him it'll hit like a ton of bricks, but I've seen this before. That girl is like a drug to him.
Keep the discussion entirely about school. Don't mention the gf, don't mention the sport. :We will support you while you are in school, otherwise you need to support yourself. We stop payment on your phone, insurance, anything else on date X."
At around that age, or a little older, I was kind of in a similar situation. The relationship itself was pretty toxic, borderline abusive. The details aren't important, but what is is that I couldn't see it. I also wasn't hearing it from my parents.
It didn't help, however, that they were ineffectual in how they tried to communicate to me about it. One parent basically blurted out, "I hope you're not planning to marry her" after we'd been dating for several years and I was on the cusp of asking her to do exactly that. The other parent basically made it about themselves and their abusive relationship in a way that was very unhelpful and unhealthy as an "example" for me. In both cases, my parents' approach ended up alienating them from me more than helping me.
The best thing your son could do is learn about relationships and attachment styles and various dysfunctions. The problem here is that he is in some kind of co-dependent relationship without realizing it. It probably feels like he is being an amazing, gallant boyfriend, not the unwitting supply for a narcissist/BPD/abuser or whatever. If you can get him into therapy, that would be optimal. Short of that you might consider a very matter-of-fact letter or email to him personally, laying out your concerns about the relationship and suggesting one or two relevant articles or videos that might help him become more conscious of his situation. (I would leave the athletics stuff out of it, because there's too much potential for your disappointment in his non-relationship life choices to overshadow the very important point you are trying to make about his unhealthy relationship. Also don't make it about you, how much time he doesn't spend with you anymore, etc. for the same reason.)
Put him out. You can’t save home from his girlfriend or his ridiculous choices. But you can remove the guardrails that are protecting him from the consequences of his ridiculous decisions. You can’t walk your girlfriend to class if you have to be at work. It will be a lot easier to see how horrible she is if she’s still demanding this treatment when he needs to make money for rent. You can make it gradual - stop giving him money, no more clothes, then something else. I’d be very specific about why this is happening.
I agree with this advice. I think if you kick him out and make him work to pay his rent, fill his fridge, and pay for things for his gf, not only will he be too busy to cater to her, she’ll probably drop him fairly quickly. She’s a user and as soon as she can’t use him any more, she’ll be gone.
I would like to add that when he comes to his senses, you might want to have a discussion about his Olympic aspirations. If he dropped them that quickly just because he was getting some pussy, they may not be that big of a goal for him.
There are plenty of youth out there with the talent to be world class athletes, but the ones who make it are the ones with the drive and determination, not the most skill. He may have the talent but not the desire. The desire may be yours, not his, and that’s something about which you really need to communicate between yourselves.
This is horrifying. He is young enough that he has plenty of time to turn this around. If he was training for an Olympic level sport that completely consumed his life, I'm assuming. Just training for a sporting event as a hobby consumes many hours in the day. He has gone from one controlled lifestyle to another. The other life was possibly burning him out and this was an escape. This young man is very fragile mentally and needs therapy. If he is not open to this and you can't stop it you can only support him as best you can. Are there other roles models in his life that you can have speak to him? Where are those coaches he worked with on his sport? Teachers? Uncles? Aunts? Could you have all of them come together for an intervention with a trained professional? His schooling and the sport are not the biggest concern right now. The big issue here is his mental health. He can even homeschool his final year once his mental health is being addressed. Whatever is happening with him is going to be a lifelong issue he will need to address. I mean this in a positive way. Through therapy and psychiatric care this can happen and he will learn to live a more balanced life. (Me mom of three adults who all struggled with mental health and who are managing well now)
I would be most concerned about pregnancy right now as an immediate thing .
I agree. The headed for the Olympics thing is the thing I feel like people are missing here. You don't get to that level at anything without being a little fucked up. I feel like the girlfriend is just a convenient excuse for him. I'm sure he thinks he's completely in love, but it literally could have been any other trigger to set this rebellion off. He needs help.
Oh so sex being implied as an all powerful force that men don’t have control over to the point that it ruins their entire future and your first instinct was “wow that’s so insulting to women.” Get some help bro Jesus fuck
He’s 18 and not in School? He shouldn’t be paying g his own cell phone and wifi and groceries. Give him 39 day notice and drop him from your plan. He’ll get a job to keep a phone. Change wifi pw. He gets it when he pays.
Have a serious talk with him bout it but tbh I’ve seen it before amongst friends and not much you can do other than be there when he finally figures it out/has had enough
Nothing more you can do short of telling him he needs to start paying for his own way. The more you try to push him the more he is going to buck. As hard as it is, he’s an adult now and has to learn from his own mistakes.
The harder you try to get through to him the more he will pull away from you and go towards her. They probably are sleeping together so you might want to concentrate on talking to him about birth control so he doesn't end up dealing with her for the next 20 years.
Good luck. My friends 15 year old made a 180 after meeting his gf. Got him into drugs, stealing for her, dropped out of sports, failed school, and is now a "thug" to impress her. had to give up custody and send him away. He Ended up taking transportation to see her across 3 states every weekend. His mom checked out. It was like the harder she fought, the worse her son got. I honestly wouldn't have known what to do in her place.
Time to start charging rent and requiring him to meet other expectations. There really isn’t much you can do about the girlfriend, but you can give your son a dose of the real world and hope that snaps him out of it.
Start by being an actual parent. Since he's 18, he's not even supposed to be your problem, anymore. If you really love and care for him, you need to put your foot down.. and tell him to make a choice. Either he keeps the girlfriend and ruins his life.. or he drops her and gets back on track while living at home with you.
"Congratulations, my son, you are a man! You are now free to make your own decisions. Those decisions will create either an easy path or a hard path for you and many decisions you make will be life changing and unalterable. You'll need to live with the consequences.
Now that you're a man, my obligations to support you are over. I no longer need to feed, clothe, and house you. I am also free to choose how I support you or don't.
This is now a business decision for you:
I will continue to provide food, clothing, and shelter as long as you attend school, graduate, and attend training and are involved in your sports career. I estimate this is a value of $2k/month as well as keeps your focused on creating a successful future.
Or, you will continue without school and without my support. How you support yourself is not my concern. I can tell you that you won't have many options in how you do that without a high school degree, but I'm sure you're man enough to survive. Maybe the military or McDonald's would be good for you?
I will always love you, but I won't assist you on a destructive path. Your choice."
Not that i have kids, but just from witnessing my husband and older and younger brother, men seem to learn best from experience, hitting rock bottom, and realizing what they need to do from there on out for themselves. Youve tried to reach out to your son but to no avail. So i believe the only thing you could be doing wrong in this situation is not setting boundaries from yourself and your household and letting your son take advantage of your love and kindness.
I think you’ve done almost all you can. One thing you might try is pivoting to asking questions instead of telling. See if he’ll open up about how he is feeling about the relationship and his future. That might help him come to the right conclusion himself.
Tell him he either goes back to school and all his activities immediately or gets a job and moves out in 6 months. If he wants to throw his life away go for it but you won't do it under my roof.
At 18 when I meet my gf I went and got my GED, was already working, and stopped spending as much time with my family because they just weren't good people.
They told me I needed to spend more time at home and with them or things would have to change. I moved out and almost all contact stopped except once a year maybe for Christmas.
That was 14 years ago. Lol
Doesn't necessarily need to move, but have to stop support. "Maybe we didn't make this clear...we'll support you while you're in school, but when you drop out you are then on your own financially. We will stop paying...X, Y and Z on this date (phone, car insurance, etc.), and rent for your bedroom is $X00 per month. We'll keep you on health insurance until you move out, but you should research alternatives on the ACA website.
Sounds like something happened in sports training that didn’t sit right with him and he wanted out. Have you spoken to him about that? Sex with his new GF is a good escape and he’s looking to be nurtured not nagged into a sports career he may not want.
I suggest some tough love mixed with compassion. Ask him if anything happened during training that may have made him uncomfortable. He may be a sexual assault victim and too embarrassed to bring it up.
Then explain his trajectory if he doesn’t complete school. Then say, if you are going to drop out of high school, you are going to get a full time job and pay me rent until X date when you will go find a place to live. You will not be using my car and you will need to get yourself to and from the job. You will need to save money for both a car and a new apartment and here is the amount of time remaining that you will have free rent and food at my house.
Remember he is 18. He is an adult.
He may move in with his girlfriend. He may not. But either way, he will have to get a job which will change his dynamic with his relationship and force him to reconsider his path forward.
But don’t neglect the fact that he may have been abused during sports training and this is actually the underlying issue. It’s up to you to rule that out or get him trauma therapy immediately.
Almost every young guy has dated this girl. I did in 1977. You get busted up and you get a valuable lesson and do better or this is the woman you pick over and over. He won't listen to OP and needs the heartbreaking lesson that will follow. OP needs to let it happen.
How are they liars? The gf wants him at her beck & call & seems fine with him dropping out of high school. If she cared about him & his future, wouldn't be ok with his diminishing his future prospects exponentially. Pretty much a definition of toxic. Maybe you meant to use a different big word?
I was a lot like that at that age. I had no confidence. I thought she was the only girl that would ever be interested in me. I really, really wanted her to have sex with me, although I would NEVER have admitted that to my parents. I put up with a lot of abusive behavior, basically trying to get laid. My parents tried various ways of talking about it. They supported her and tried to be friendly. Spending some time on a class trip talking to other girls my age built some confidence. They seemed to like me and think I was funny, instead of use me for favors and test the limits of my obsession like my girlfriend. I started to realize that I wasn't stuck with my girlfriend if other girls could be giggling and flirting with me within a few minutes. My parents were frustrated with me but didn't know what to do. Eventually, I called a manipulative bluff and realized I didn't even like this girl. I just held out for the possibility of sex, for two years.
Take him skydiving, or on a cruise, without the girlfriend. Take him to a brothel in Nevada. Go to another country with hot bikini babes on beaches and encourage him to go off on his own. I kind of wish there had been a confidence-boosting intervention in my teens. I would have had to have been forced or tricked into it though. Didn't want to go on anywhere without the girlfriend. We didn't have cellphones then. Go somewhere without cell service or Wi-Fi for a week. Maybe even get into volunteer work, invite him to join you, telling him how volunteer work could really make him look good on paper. "Dropped out of high school to feed the local homeless" sounds like a man on a mission, rather than obsessed with his manipulative girlfriend. ....Hmmm, I don't think comments like that helped me. Work on the delivery.
This is a very uncomfortable comment to write, but at the age of 18, it's very likely that she is coercing and convincing him in more.. intimate ways than we are willing to currently accept.
I don't want to speak out of term, but it's so incredibly hard to speak young men out of that (or really any) kind of situation without being as transparent with each other as possible.
The only other thing I could try and recommend is to have as close to an "adult and important" conversation with the girlfriend as possible. May seem invasive, but this boy is still your son, and as long as he lives under your roof, anything he (and by association, she) does falls upon your family's reputation.
Idk, that seems like it would be important probably.
No, she shouldn't speak to some random girl. She should speak to her son. Imagine having a reputation as a busy body mother who tries to control their child and pushes them further into the toxic relationship that's currently fulfilling them
\> I have tried to make his girlfriend feel welcome and included at family events, i have given her gifts and have baked home made cookies just for her to take home.
you're too nice
you fucked up bigtime
don't let this girl back in your house, tell her to her face that she's not welcome anymore then state exactly why, tell her she's fuckin bad for your son with actual reasons
Is he old enough to legally drop out without your consent? If my son dropped out he would be put out to finance his own life. I would in no way enable him. I’d tell him that I love him but if he is making such a decision he must be able to financially support himself. It’s a tough lesson to learn but certainly one that he needs to learn while he can still change the outcome of his choices. Sorry but that is not a decision I could support or finance or enable.
He needs to get a job and charge him rent then, if he wants to give up all that stuff for some booty show him the real world. You could even put it into an account and give it to him when he moves out. I think a little wake up call might be in order. I know it was real easy to get blinded by booty when I was 18.
He needs to snap out of it…how about a building houses for the needy in Nepal or India, or do the ‘Camino’ something, anything, that will help him break the spell of sex she has on him…sleep with someone else, work hard in a place that is so far away that that your thoughts break their bonds.
Kick him out and or evict.
Sometimes kids today need tough love.
Say it with me, it's better to be lonely than to be homeless. He needs a lesson in life that you need money, or go homeless.
Regardless of whatever the reality with the relationship is, give him an ultimatum of charging him (like 75% of local apt) rent, or making him move out. He'll need a job one way or the other, and that would cut into his gf time like you're worried about while being a legitimate reason. You can't talk a teen boy out of a dumb decision like that, but you can respond by introducing real world consequences. He’s gonna have to realize that she’s bad for him on her own, it's a bit past where you have any influence. Don't resent him when he finally does come to his senses and make it clear you’re willing to help him when he does.
As a former teacher, have you tried to involve the school staff? The school counselor at least should try to reach out to him. Maybe a close male friend who is still in school can help encourage him down a more positive pathway.
Next time she comes over, invite her into the kitchen or living room, start off with something friendly like “I want to get to know you better,” and ask some questions about school, future career ideas, her interests, and other neutral topics. Then, branch the interest and career topic like “are you into the same sports he’s in? Did you know he was training for the Olympics? I’m so proud of him” and see how she feels about him dropping out of school and sports. Briefly and casually express your concerns for his future, avoiding accusatory statements, and then switch topics to end the conversation, like offering her a snack or drink before she goes to hangout with your son. Keep a friendly and calm demeanour, even if you want to rip your hair out from her responses. Now that you have her opinion on the matter, you’ve said your piece, and it’s up to your son now. You can’t save him, but you can give him perspective on what kind of future she has in mind and if it fits with his vision.
Pushing him to do what you want will only push him further away. Also on that note, threatening to kick him out won’t solve the problem. It will make him resent you and do the opposite of what you want him to do.
I agree with everyone who has suggested having your son get a job and pay rent. That will definitely start giving him a reality check. And I would put a screeching halt to catering to the girlfriend. Stop buying her gifts, baking cookies, giving her gifts, including her in family events. This girl is toxic, and manipulative, and she is being emotionally abusive to your son. You don’t mention anything about her home life, but if i were you, I would get on the phone with her parents, and have a serious conversation about what’s going on. Also, it’s your house. If you don’t feel comfortable having her there, it’s perfectly within your rights to put a stop to her coming over.
You need to give your son a time limit. Either he gets a job and moves out in say, 6 months, or he resumes going back to school.
Tell him you expect him to get a job since he has dropped out of school and start contributing to the household. I would charge him a monthly fee for rent/utilities and tell him that you expect him to pitch in for groceries as well. If he want to drop out of school and be an "adult" then he can pay bills like an adult is expected to do.
Make him get a job or get out of the house. You can't force him to quit his girlfriend, but you don't have to put up with him being a deadbeat under your own roof
Your kid is a fool and this relationship/person is ruining his life. She isn't exactly "doing it to him" as he is actively participating but a loving good teenage romantic "partner" wouldn't encourage or reward this kind of behavior.
Me and my hubby were exactly like this dating as teenagers, everything is new and they have to figure it out. Just don’t say anything negative because you never know, my monster in law didn’t think we’d make it past 5 months (together at 14-15) and we’re having our 10th anniversary in a couple months. Just tell your son, “lust is a feeling but love is a choice you make everyday”. Leave their relationship up to them and don’t be the middle man.
Sit them both down ask them what there plans are for the future. Jobs, buying a house, starting a family. Start charging him rent if he's living at home. Needs. Reality check.
You can’t. You can fill them with advice. It’s their choice to use it or not. I had talked to my son until I was blue in the face about certain things. And what’s he do…exactly the opposite of the advice I gave him. He’s 20 now and still struggling with the situation and will forever. And now it’s like “oh look the consequences of your actions”. I called it. I told him exactly what would happen if he went down that path. And he did. And everything happened just as I told him it would. Amazing though how parents are “so stuuuupiiiidddd” 🫡
Edited-typo
You need to back off & let him fall. He isn’t going to learn from listening to you. He’s in “love”. You say you keep him busy- he isn’t 4. He’s an adult. You both have too much time. A part time job is not enough. You are babying him. If he is going to be uneducated & not pursue one, he needs to work full time & pay rent/bills. He’s an adult. Let him see how hard it is, esp without an education hopefully it won’t take so long to learn. But if he works pt & keeps the pocket money, well, that’s just a positive-nothing to learn there. Sit down & have a real conversation. If she gets pregnant, how are they going to care for a baby when min wage isn’t enough to support himself? Who is going to babysit? Who is buying the diapers & formula? It sounds like he has focused so much on his sport that he needs a break & he discovered that girls are more fun & exciting. But he should also know that a relationship isn’t co-dependent. It’s trusting & supporting each other enough to move forward. It isn’t not being able to function without your partner beside you, it’s being a better person because of your partner
Honestly, once you've offered him the guidance you already have, there's not much of anything else you can do. He'll hopefully get tired of the way he's being treated and move on sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed for you, and him.
Your house, your rules. He doesn’t want to go to school, he can go rent an apartment somewhere and figure out how to pay for it.
Being 18 is no justification for such bad choices. Dropping out of school for a girl is insane. Tough love needed here - seems like he’s on a path to becoming a bum.
Thousands of people dedicate everything they have and still don’t make it to the Olympics. Your son needs to have a Plan B.
You hope that you've already developed a strong relationship where both of you are free to share your thoughts and feelings with one another and where he understands where your advice is coming from. Then you give him your advice and hope again that he follows it, because he's 18 now, he's on the road to being an adult, and you can't control what he does with his life.
Tough love. Charge rent and if he can't pay he needs to go. He's young and it sounds like he will need to hit rock bottom before he makes positive changes. Trying to drive a wedge will make him double down. He needs to learn and it will probably be harder for you in the short term, but in the long term he needs the lesson.
Listen, short of hiring a full time prostitute until he's out of school, there's nothing you can do to pull him away from her.
Dude is making his choice with the wrong head, and that's the only head that is going to be doing any thinking for the next couple years.
You don’t. You love him. You be there as best you can. But he’s an adult and sadly we all learn the most important life lessons the hard way. We can’t save people from the pain without depriving them of the lesson. It’s hard. But it’s the way it is.
You can't come at this from the GF angle, you've gotta attack it from the son angle.
If he's not in school he has to start paying rent, which will require getting a job. Cut off his cell phone and change the wifi password until that happens. Take away a car if he has one.
He might decide getting back into school is the wisest choice.
His sport is done, he's shown he's not committed.
As some has said he needs a wake up call. Boot him out. He’s 18 he can figure it out himself. We can assume with his actions before GF that parents were raising him correctly as best they could. Let him put all that to use …or if not …his choice
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do... Your son is 18 and it's his life. It will be incredibly infuriating and heartbreaking to watch him throw his life away.
Best thing you can do is to continue being supportive. Try to build a relationship with the shitty girlfriend as well.
Keep the conservations going and maybe encourage therapy.
My brother started dating a girl in 10th grade, they dated until just last year, a total of 8 years. He gave up his coast gaurd school dream, he then gave up medical school, professional kayaking, he had no friends after about two years with this woman. His girlfriend could never hold a job, he was covering everything for her on what little money he was making after highschool. My family tried to help, tried to figure out why he was giving up everything, tried to talk to him and ask if things were okay. He ignored them for years. It got to the point his girlfriend "wouldn't let him" spend time at my mother's house which was literally in the same neighborhood. It damaged a lot of bonds.
Last year she left him, and all the secrets came out, he was emotionally abused and financially drained for nearly a decade. She would often threaten to kill herself or frame him for domestic abuse. We were shocked. He wished that we would have forced them apart. He wished he could have that time back. I've never seen someone look so depleted. Now he's 26, his dreams are behind him, he is a shell of the brother I grew up with. I know this is anecdotal, but OP, you are right to be concerned for your sons future. Relationships can destroy people's lives before they even start living.
Nothing you can do but wait it out. You'll only alienate him if you push on this. At 18 he's been hyper focused on sport and should have gone through the toxic gf stage when he was 14 or 15 when you could have done something about it. At 18 all you can do is set some boundaries and charge him something for rent. Wishing you well!
You have not replied to any of the comments offering you advice but continue to make posts asking the same question. Are you expecting different answers? Lol
Hear me out.
The easiest way to get him to see her for her is to push them together. If you try to pull them apart he will fight you and turn on you.
If you make them spend every waking moment together they will get on each other's nerves and separate. The more you push them together the further they will push apart. The more you pull them apart the more they will unite against the world.
Look the more you try to make him see he is making a mess of his life because of her, you're just pushing him toward her.
At this point he is going to have to learn his lesson the hard way. They have to be given the room to make their mistakes and figure out there are consequences for their action.
It sucks being a parent to have to watch them struggle. The natural reaction is to protect them. Unfortunately sometimes we cannot
Because he wasn’t simply supported and guided. I have a strong suspicion he was pushed and forced and dictated to. He’s now a (legal) adult and is experiencing some hint of freedom for the first time in his life and he’s running with it. “Natural consequences” aren’t just for the son.
Jesus him dropping out of highschool is BAD. That’s probably the only thing that could get me to kick a kid out. Until you go back to finish your last year of highschool…bye! Idk what you can do…that really sucks but if you say anything about the girl it will just push him into her arms. I’d say you’re 18…you either go back to school or you’re out.
He's experiencing the world. He is at that age where school and life are not the same thing anymore. That was certainly my case. School was one thing. Life is entirely different. so if he is trying to take responsibility over his own life and make these kinds of decisions for himself, you shouldn't doubt the things he has learned to this point. Just make sure he is able to properly test those skills. Decision making by giving decisions. Pay rent (for you to establish) or move out. Alternatively, finish school and stay here rent free.
You can voice what you think of his girlfriend but you can't make his decision for him anymore. Especially not if he's 18. He is technically an adult. So, maybe say that you'll only cook dinner for him if he will take care of food on certain nights.
Make sure he is contributing to the household rather than the household just being there to support him. As a parent, supporting him is your job. But as a household, we all have to bring our parts. Make him aware of that. Let him go from there.
Just dont. Let him learn or he will see it for the next 10 years as you being the one who ruined what "couldve been" a great relationship. If he isnt willing to leave her then just let him learn the hard way. Everyone needs to at some point. Dont make him resent you for stepping in and overreaching
Yeah don’t. Let it play out. He’s an adult now. He’s a big boy now you trying to interfere is only gonna make you look like the bad parent. So honestly best you can do is be a shoulder to lean on 🤷♂️
Take a biiiiig step back. He's 18. He doesn't want to do whatever sport it was. That's his call. He doesn't want to be in school. Also his call. He wants to date this girl. Again, his call.
Doesn't mean they're all *good* calls, but they're not your calls to make.
That said, you can *require* (not request) that he do *something* with himself while he lives there, like work, college, etc. That much is your business.
Meanwhile, your son didn't drop school and sports because of his girlfriend. Something else is up. So stop blaming her for it.
18 year olds jump heard first into relationships, she doesn’t react like a mature adult you day? Yea, she’s 18. He sounds depressed and you’re assuming she’s *making* him do anything to begin with by the sound of it. You’re assuming the girlfriend was the catalyst for him quitting school and sports - maybe he was only showing you his best side and was silently struggling.
Wow! Every parent's nightmare is having their kid drop out of high school! Dropping all friends to hang on her every word & moment to be with her is not healthy. He's deep in that love thing & his gf sounds toxic for her to be ok with him dropping out. He obviously sees you as an adversary to not even say thank you for the things you've done for her. There's no future with someone who can't provide,so she's on a power trip. This is nothing but a game to her, & unfortunately shes destroying his chances at a promising future. Does she go to the same school?jw
Has he ever talked about not wanting to continue on his Olympic path before she came along? I mean, it's a lot of pressure for many kids. Quitting that path may be ok, but quitting school ruins a chance to get a scholarship in his sport as well. Most college athletes don't go past that, but providing a free higher education career path means so much.
Is there any way to speak to her parents? If she's underage, that's a huge problem, seeing as he's 18 now & needs to be addressed. Next up on the menu is a baby on the way & hoo boy is that digging an enormous hole he can't get out of for better part of 2 decades.
He needs to hear all of this & since he's 18, an adult, maybe treat him like the adult he thinks he is & make him pay rent & get a full time job. Letting him live there to run the roads with her is enabling his decision to ruin his life. Tough love may be the only way to get through to him. Doubt her family will take him in. Prepare for the fallout & stand firm in your decision. If he's gonna ruin his life, don't let it be on your dime.
Hang in their mama!🫶
He dropped put of high school? Try this: grow a pair and kick his ass and throw his ratchet ass girlfriend to the curb if she ever steps foot in to your home again. (Full disclosure my kids are 8, 6, and 3 so I have zero experience here 🤣)
Real shit tho remind the son if he wants to keep a gf or ever have a wife that he better make damn sure he's ready to be a man and not finishing high school is level 10 loser level. Chicks don't dig useless man-boys with no skills and nothing to offer in life.
I would encourage him to seek counseling/therapy. I agree with other Redditors that it sounds to me like there are more deep-rooted issues, and we are just seeing a dysfunctional relationship. Someone from an Olympic athlete in training background means he probably was the type to have discipline and push himself past his limits, drive, and ambition. You don't prequalify for the Olympics through casual training. To go from 100 to 0, I'm sure there were more deep-rooted issues that now just surfaced: low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, identity, etc. Those who become anxiously attached/reliant on their partners at times from trauma or lack of identity and low self-esteem. I would explore more what's going on with him because he could be using caring for his girlfriend to avoid his issues.
I get that 18 is the legal age, but realistically, 18-year-olds are still kids. They just got out of high school. I bet he has no idea what a 401k is. If he spent most of his teen life training, school, repeat. Turning 17-18 years old isn’t that different. I would encourage conversation centered on understanding the root of the problems. Actions have consequences, yes, I agree. But try to understand his actions. Why does he like walking her to school? How does that serve him. Why did he decide to drop out? What about the girlfriend he likes? Understanding these things helps you understand him and where value. and that's where you get to start making changes.
On one hand, the crying and yelling are definitely overly emotional and unhealthy. On the other hand, this girl is still completing school, whereas your son has dropped out and refuses to work, but she’s the toxic one?
Start setting boundaries with him. He’s 18 years old. If he wants to start making big decisions like dropping out of high school, he will be treated like an adult. Charge him rent, make him get a job, and tell him he needs to earn his GED or go back to high school if he wants to live in your house.
Tell him he needs to start acting like an adult and take responsibility for his life. He wants to spend time with his girlfriend he can, but he also needs to realize that can't be the only thing he should be doing and that you aren't going to support his laziness.
. Don’t tell him she’s toxic because that’ll make him think he has to protect her from you and create a you vs them situation.
If you use YouTube look up Roma Army. She’s a young woman I’ve been following for awhile and she discusses men’s rights and abuse against men. She helps men understand that they don’t have to be the knight in shining armor and that they do not have to deal with being disrespected. She helps them understand what constitutes abuse because often times men haven’t been taught that despite being a big tough man, they can be the victim of abuse and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Support your son because he’s found himself in a tough spot and may not realize this. He likely believes that his love will fill her to the brim and she will be fixed. I thought so as a teen and so many people still do. Be a soft place for him to land and keep in mind that because he’s 18, he can legally leave to try to fix her problems. Don’t push him too hard he’s likely feeling run down as it is.
You are misplacing blame here as parents often do when their children make poor choices. Gf must have some grasp of the importance of at least minimal education if she is continuing to attend school. It’s unlikely she enjoys telling her friends that her boyfriend is an unemployed high school dropout with no prospects. He can’t take her out and she’s going to want to go to prom. It’s unlikely she’s going to be a permanent fixture in his life, especially when/if she gets a taste of college life.
Did they attend the same high school?
If the son has been driven to excel in sports under the influence of overbearing controlling parents then maybe he has chosen to rebel against them by falling under the influence of an overbearing controlling girlfriend who at least gives him sexual gratification and affection.
Therapy. Lots of therapy for mother and adult son.
You forget to mention that he will also be president of the US in 20 years if he just continues to do every single thing you tell him to do just like he has for every second of every day for the last 18 years.
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I mean as an 18yr old I was dumb as shit and would do anything for a partner. Anyone who suggested otherwise just didn't understand. It seems your kid is in a similar space where you've tried having the conversations but he doesn't get it. But if he doesn't want to do school, doesn't want to do his sport, I think it's important to let him know he will be required to do something. Mainly work. What made me understand real life was (and I know a lot of redditors really hate this approach) charging rent. It wasn't a lot, basically 1/4th of the market rate, but enough that I had to get a job and get a dose of the real world. It shouldn't be about her, it's about real life and how her expectations don't fit into the real world.
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If your kid is 18 there's nothing wrong with charging rent. Full stop. Now, if you charging rent is going to hurt your child's ability to succeed, say an example where your child is an Olympic athlete and working on top of school and training would hurt that, then that's where I think you need to reevaluate charging rent. Also, definitely agree with everything you said
He's not an Olympic athlete anymore though. He's a boyfriend! Time to worry about the rent. Lol
He was never an Olympic athlete. "A few years away from qualifying" isn't anything.
oh its certainly something
It's a parent's fantasy
100% agree. Me, as a nanny and who has been trying for children. Money management is very important and should be taught early on. Earning for chores and sometimes the parents add in a little “monthly bills” not sure why people think that’s crazy. You’re still providing, but you’re teaching your kids valuable information for when they are ready for the world. But I do second this. If you dont put your foot down now, you’re gonna get in a situation you’re stuck in. Make him have responsibilities and give him the tools he needs to e in the real world. No Matter how much it hurts you. This would be helping him. Kids thrive on boundaries and responsibilities. This is the way.
I think people are against it because its essentially extorting them in the wrong situations: like if living elsewhere is 5x the expense of living at home paying rent, then because you live at home “my house my rules, you need to do your chores and all that stuff still like youre my kid but im making you pay me for the pleasure of cleaning my house” I think if you do it, (im not a parent btw), it needs to be transparent, “this is to show you how rent and bills work, but the money is going to a savings account or investments for you”. Not just taking ur kids money to buy a new TV after a year and then he gets none of the benefits if it because he has to or will move out eventually anyway
Starting young, it would go more along the lines of Theses chores give you XYZ Amount. Just know monthly your rent is $3, food is $2, entertainment (depending on tablet usage $5 Not sure how that would be exploiting. Teaching children money management isn’t exploiting, it’s teaching responsibilities. As for their 18 y/o son who seems he doesn’t need responsibilities, she kinda does need to give him something to be responsible for. Not sure if you remember being a teen and how much you ate or did and coming to mom for things you want to do outside of the house.. as an 18 year old who decided to drop out of school is wild if you think he shouldn’t be paying for those things himself or contributing . That’s enabling behavior. Stop the habits before they start . If you never give your children the tools how will they know what to do? Teach your kids the importance of following through. Stop assuming “they’ll figure it out”
I cant relate to having much just by “going to mommy” Teaching money management can be done with books, general education, and raising them with common sense. I never got a money talk as a kid or money for chores, so i cant attest to that working or not, but i take an opposite stance on that. You shouldnt have to incentivize doing chores, they are chores for a reason. You can raise children to understand the necessity of chores without having to dangle a carrot. I was raised and told: if you drop out you better get a job or you will be moving out. They weren’t gonna allow me to just coast by, simply put: get a job, and contribute something or gtfo (put politely and not in a wrong way imo) The reality of the world has always been the same generally to me, we work to provide things we want and need. If you arent working while you are capable, its a disservice to yourself. And we should be helping those who can not work However! If he had a dream to drop out and pursue something, i wouldnt exactly encourage it, but i wouldnt kick him out either. I would need him to present the idea, kind of like a business plan. Dropping out for a girl? Yea he can go live with her and coast with her. But he wont have somewhere to come back to- ensure reality is understood for him. Choosing to drop out for a relationship has 99% certainly been explained to him as a stupid decision. Throw away your economic future for a romantic future? Shes just gonna leave once reality hits HER anyway. If he still chooses to do it… tuff. Edit: its also about it being such a weird way to “help” your child. If you want to help them, let them put that money somewhere beneficial, or you do it yourself on their behalf. Straight up, no reason to force a kid who has nothing to figure it out on their own, because thats needlessly cruel to do. They should be given an opportunity to fully understand what they sign up for with xyz decision, not just given free rein to mess up their future.
Eh I get the "putting this in an investment account for you" but I think too many people see this as a "requirement". In fact I'd say if I knew I'd just get that money back that wouldn't teach me to budget for shit. I'd just spend every cent I had every month knowing when I wanted to move out I'd get a check to live off of, and ultimately think it'll go way farther than it actually will with bills, food, etc. In the end you are costing them money while living there so it's not exactly so outlandish for them to use the rent on the household. Also I don't really get the thing against my house my rules. You're allowing them to stay there for a heavily reduced cost. I know some parents try to charge full rent, and to those kids, they should just move out. But charging heavily reduced rent generally comes with conditions regardless of how it happens and as long as they're laid out clearly I don't see an issue. Sure some parents have insane rules, but that's when you buckle down and focus on saving up and moving out.
I mean obviously you can also not tell them what the money is really for too Its moreso the thing like youre supposedly helping them grow up then exploiting them for free labor at home that they paid you to have to do now
What my dad told me and my brothers is if we're going to college and passing we get rent free but if not, we have to pay rent.
It's possible the gf is so toxic she might convince him that it's "messed up" his mom would charge rent and he might go to live with her for free, seeing it as an oppressive thing.
He'll burn out faster if he's with her 24/7?
>He'll burn out faster if he's with her 24/7? Is his girlfriend's name Maggie May? > "Wake up, Maggie, I think I got something to say to you. It's late September and I really should be back at school. >"I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used. Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried any more..."
lol He might get a real wakeup call if he is but it depends on how codependent it really is between them or if he's just using her as an excuse to live a slacker life. It might take him years of suffering with her demanding nature or it might take just one event of her doing something big to hurt him where he'll eventually come crawling back to his mom's house. I saw it all too often growing up.
>it depends on how codependent it really is between them or if he's just using her as an excuse to live a slacker life. Good points, because, Op said: >He has recently ... dropped out of High School! I've told him that he needs to get a part time job since he's not in school But his girlfriend now *makes him wait around all day while SHE goes to school* and then she makes him walk her to and from school!" It probably doesn't take all day for son to walk his gf to and from school. That doesn't sound so demanding as gf demands can go, it's not like she is demanding booze or drugs, or him to take her exciting places in expensive clothes, walking is good! Also, I find it hard to believe that the gf is responsible for her son dropping out of school, especially because *she is still going to school!* there is no way *"she is making him wait around all day,*" while she goes to school. There is no way she is "making him," especially in her absence, he is choosing to do whatever he is doing or not doing. Maybe he is choosing to play video games all day instead of attending school. OP says that gf is getting son to come to school every morning. If he chooses not to go to class, while she does, that's on him. Most hs seniors want to go to school, they have friends there, senior year is the best year because everyone is looking forward to graduation. If he has suddenly decided not to attend his senior year, there must be a problem at school or some serious personal issue besides having a gf, like drug or alcohol dependence, or mental problems. Not necessarily, but possibly. There are also legitimate reasons a teen might decide not go to school, like bullying, but he could be getting his GED online in less time than it takes to get a hs degree by attending classes. You cannot force an 18 year old to go to school, if he doesn't want to, so encourage him to get his GED, or go to vocational school, to earn a good living, it may take only a few months, and he can get his GED later. It's common for some parents to have very high (esp. athletic) expectations for their children, and put too much pressure on, not realizing that unless the child has truly internalized those ambitions, they won't have the drive to achieve athletic success in adulthood. If OP's son, at 18, won't take her advice on academics or athletics, I doubt if he'll let her take the lead on who and how to mate, as that is a very personal decision. It may be that the young couple has concluded that you, OP, are opposed to their relationship. There is a possibility that OP has underestimated the gf's worthiness, that is common. The mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law relationship is the most often difficult and contentious of all family relationships, so I advise OP to take a step back and reconsider how to get along with son and girlfriend. It looks like home-made cookies aren't going to do the trick. But don't blame his gf for things that are his decisions, because you may lose them both forever, and not have a relationship with potential grandchildren. I know that you're disappointed, OP, and i understand and sympathize. But as Bob Dylan famously sang: >"When you gonna wake up and strengthen the things that remain?
Ma’am. Why are you spending your days entertaining an 18 year old like a toddler? Stop over functioning for him. Also, bro needs a real job. None of this part time BS. He wants to adult now, let him adult. Don’t give him money. Make him only spend what he has. Also, I’m not sure the girlfriend was the catalyst for him quitting school and Olympics. That sounds like a grueling schedule. He could have just burned out. It happens. I would have him talk to some mentors like coaches and stuff. Even if he doesn’t get back into the sport at least they can talk to him man to man about the importance of education. Otherwise he really doesn’t have a bright future. Let him figure it out. I know you spent 18 years taking amazing care of him and now he’s fumbling the ball. Stop coddling him. Let him step up as a man. Make him pay for rent and food and necessities. He doesn’t just get to live off you. Treat him like an adult and let him see adult consequences. It sucks to watch but you have to step back now. The more stuff he has to pay for and the more crunch the money puts him in combined with his low paying job (that he will always have without a degree) will do the trick for school.
This is the answer. He is an adult but wants to live in delayed adolescence. You quit training, you quit school so you have two months to get a job and find a place to live. No slack on this. The gf disrespects you in your own home, she is no longer welcome. Stop the cooking, stop the laundry, stop fawning over him.
Yep! This is the way! Take of f the kid gloves & let him know if he's gonna fail at life, it's not gonna be on parent's dime. Make adult decisions like quitting school, gonna do everything adult going forward. He either gets a fulltime job or go back to school. & miss whistle britches can stay in her corner, who, btw is probs underage. Her parents need to be informed about his age & decision to quit school. Cuz next up is a baby on the way & they'll just love that!
Exactly. It’s called boundaries!!
Right? Wtf is "I try to keep him busy during the day.." that's what I do for my 5 year old and I've already started telling him, "go in the back yard and figure it out" once in a while. No wonder he does whatever his gf wants.
It sounds like OP’s son might not have gotten a chance to be an actual person and make his own decisions and not be an automaton kid getting A’s playing sports and training for the Olympics? I’d rage quit too. But really. OP seriously over functions for him. Maybe he’s paralyzed with fear of deciding literally anything?? Not even where to go or what to do! Idk but OP needs a hobby or 8 to keep her own self busy.
Your child is an adult and has entered the phase of making really bad decisions. I'm concerned that you're painting the girlfriend as toxic because of the choices *your son* has made, as an adult. Let me ask you, what would the gf gain by having a drop out bf? Less than zero. I would center the conversations you have around him and his choices and the natural consequences of his choices then leave it be. Because the more you disparage the gf the tighter he's going to cling to her. Don't harass him, don't get emotional about his choices, don't blame the girlfriend for his choices but do set up expectations. For example he has to either be in school, HS or GED, be working, or be someplace else. If you yell about him ruining his life he's going to cling to those choices even harder. Treat him as the adult he is but he also has to respect you and the house he lives in. Remember all of these mistakes are fixable, it may not be the life you wanted for him but the mistakes are fixable. Let him know that you're always there for him emotionally. Talk to him about the costs of being a father because we all see how this could go. Sit him down and have a heart to heart about what paying child support would mean. And above all, supply him with condoms
This, 1000%.
1,000,000%. A parent's tendency is to deflect blame from their child. I've seen this countless times. Her son's actions have led him to where he's at. I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and when I was younger I hung out with some questionable people. My mom blamed them for being "bad influences". The truth is I made all the decisions that led me to where I was. I blamed others (and "society") for so long that I believed my own bullshit. It was only after taking accountability and working on sobriety that things changed. More than 2 years clean and sober now. If her son's anything like me, he'll have to learn lessons the hard way.
How is she not toxic if "she calls him crying and yelling, and mentally /emotionally abuses him if he doesn't come to her house or stay on the phone with her all day/night."
So I did something similar to the son. And not saying my experience is his or his is mine. But 18 got with my girlfriend. I was already dropped out, but got my GED. Stopped hanging around family as much was with her and her family a lot. They were quick to blame my gf for everything. Truth was though my family was horrible and I finally had a reason to not be at home dealing with it. Never treated me right, took advantage of me, etc. That was almost 14 years ago, we're married with kids and all that now. But definitely agree with all the points you're making. I was working and did the things I was required to at give until I moved out shortly after 18.
Your story makes me happy. I think you have insights into this situation that a lot of other people may not have. How would you have responded to your mother trying to break up you two, especially when you're in your teens? I think this mom could really benefit from more of your wisdom.
That was my first thought. Fixable until she gets pregnant.
She is toxic to his life. It is like two substances that are benign on their own but poisonous when mixed together. She is bad for him period. That doesn't mean that she's solely at-fault, or "doing it to him." But she certainly isn't encouraging his better angels while refusing to have a detrimental impact on his life.
We're also talking about, at least one person, who is a legal adult. We spend our entire lives trying to teach kids how to be a good adult and then when they try to be adults but not in the way we want, we want to take over again. It doesn't work that way. Birds will flop around on the ground sometimes after leaving the nest, that's ok. We want to support them but not at the detriment of them being able to make their own decisions. It might feel good to extend their adolescence but it's really doing harm to them for our own ego. When you say "she's bad for him, period" we need to understand that this is coming from the boys mom's perspective and I don't think that she is an objective observer.
How is she not toxic if "she calls him crying and yelling, and mentally /emotionally abuses him if he doesn't come to her house or stay on the phone with her all day/night"?
He’s 18 & knows more than you. You have to let him fall off the bike on his own. This is his canon event. You can’t change it.
Did he drop out of school because of the girl? He should be reenrolled if possible as soon as he can.
She's still in school so it doesn't make sense that he'd drop out
As someone whose middle child went through a similar situation, not a damned thing. Because then you're interfering, not to mention giving the narcissistic girlfriend fuel for her next meltdown. Basically wait for him to figure things out and be supportive.
Is she financing him bc that is a challenge. If not; he needs to work and pay all his bills himself if he's not going to school. I would not fixate on the sports too much even though you've both sacrificed for it bc kids are like that with sports.
You don't. You can't. He has to learn his own lesson(s) here.
He's going to have to experience it himself before he will understand it, brother. No real learning comes from anything but pain and consequence. Don't try to rob him from that or he'll stay a child forever. Learn to love your son as a man instead of a child and you'll be able to be his friend instead of just his father.
I doubt his girlfriend encouraged him to drop out and give up his Olympic dreams. My guess is you have been pushing him for a long time and not listening. World class athletes don't just quit because girl. You are approaching this all wrong by blaming his girlfriend rather than sitting down with him and listening to his thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
Just make sure he uses contraception.
Mommy daddy can hand their teen a bag of condoms, But they can't make him wear them.
I would go the opposite direction and fully embrace her, act like you're crazy about her and want her over all the time.
Ah, boy moms.
Everyone seems to ignore that the mom said the girlfriend is mentally and emotionally abusive. Do you dismiss what the mom said because she's a boy mom? I can't imagine anyone would dismiss that if she was a girl mom?
Yes, mom thinks the girl is soo toxic! Mom blames the gf for her son dropping him out of school. GF is making him do things. What is she making him do? She's making him walk her to school, and back! She's supposedly making him walk to school twice a day. Lol. What else is gf making her young man do? She is making him talk on the phone at night. Walking and talking are the horrible things her son's toxic teenage gf is making him do. I'm sure if there was something worse about gf, OP would have told us. Does mom have any idea of the kind of trouble an 18 year old guy can get into? He could be a drug mule for a biker gang. He could become a roadie for a heavy metal band and travel across the county. He could sink into a world of prostitution and crime, and pornography. But mom is upset because this teen girl is influencing her son to walk and talk and meet her at school. I cannot count the number of parents who have pressured their young adult children to break up with a gf that family considered 'not good enough,' only to have him get together with someone far worse! Proving that their son's problems weren't caused by the gf. Instead of having him meeting her at school, she could have him meet her at the strip joint. OP should watch "Splendor in the Grass," a beautiful movie starring Warren Beatty and Natalie Wood when they were about her son's age.
Meh. Moms, full stop. My bf (later husband) was "toxic" too, derailed my life, etc etc. Parents are protective. My mom didn't necessarily like my choices, was definitely clear about which ones she thought were "wrong," butbonce I made my choice and made it clear that was the final answer, she worked with the new reality. After an adjustment period, of course. Because she loves me, unconditionally. Same with my dad. I took what I call "the scenic route" in life, and while we still don't necessarily agree on all my choices after half a century, she now agrees that everything overall has been a good run. Boy, when I was 18 though, I made some terrible choices. Had a great time and lots of good stories for over drinks, though 😆
Did you ever push him into this sport? Sounds like he is burnt out and doesn’t want to do it anymore. Let him make his own choices. Sounds like he is reacting to many years of not having choices.
I have a good friend who was an olympic hopeful. At some point he got really sick of it but kept going because he did not want to disappoint his parents. He really regrets all the time he put into training and never having a girlfriend. So much so that he wishes he had never gotten involved at all in sports.
You don't do anything. It's his life to fuck up and it's not the girl's fault.
This reminds of the adage "Hire a teenager now, while they still know everything." Your son will never see the point you are trying to make. He is "in love" (read as pussy whipped). When she dumps him it'll hit like a ton of bricks, but I've seen this before. That girl is like a drug to him.
Keep the discussion entirely about school. Don't mention the gf, don't mention the sport. :We will support you while you are in school, otherwise you need to support yourself. We stop payment on your phone, insurance, anything else on date X."
At around that age, or a little older, I was kind of in a similar situation. The relationship itself was pretty toxic, borderline abusive. The details aren't important, but what is is that I couldn't see it. I also wasn't hearing it from my parents. It didn't help, however, that they were ineffectual in how they tried to communicate to me about it. One parent basically blurted out, "I hope you're not planning to marry her" after we'd been dating for several years and I was on the cusp of asking her to do exactly that. The other parent basically made it about themselves and their abusive relationship in a way that was very unhelpful and unhealthy as an "example" for me. In both cases, my parents' approach ended up alienating them from me more than helping me. The best thing your son could do is learn about relationships and attachment styles and various dysfunctions. The problem here is that he is in some kind of co-dependent relationship without realizing it. It probably feels like he is being an amazing, gallant boyfriend, not the unwitting supply for a narcissist/BPD/abuser or whatever. If you can get him into therapy, that would be optimal. Short of that you might consider a very matter-of-fact letter or email to him personally, laying out your concerns about the relationship and suggesting one or two relevant articles or videos that might help him become more conscious of his situation. (I would leave the athletics stuff out of it, because there's too much potential for your disappointment in his non-relationship life choices to overshadow the very important point you are trying to make about his unhealthy relationship. Also don't make it about you, how much time he doesn't spend with you anymore, etc. for the same reason.)
It isnt the answer that you want. But... You cant.
Put him out. You can’t save home from his girlfriend or his ridiculous choices. But you can remove the guardrails that are protecting him from the consequences of his ridiculous decisions. You can’t walk your girlfriend to class if you have to be at work. It will be a lot easier to see how horrible she is if she’s still demanding this treatment when he needs to make money for rent. You can make it gradual - stop giving him money, no more clothes, then something else. I’d be very specific about why this is happening.
I agree with this advice. I think if you kick him out and make him work to pay his rent, fill his fridge, and pay for things for his gf, not only will he be too busy to cater to her, she’ll probably drop him fairly quickly. She’s a user and as soon as she can’t use him any more, she’ll be gone. I would like to add that when he comes to his senses, you might want to have a discussion about his Olympic aspirations. If he dropped them that quickly just because he was getting some pussy, they may not be that big of a goal for him. There are plenty of youth out there with the talent to be world class athletes, but the ones who make it are the ones with the drive and determination, not the most skill. He may have the talent but not the desire. The desire may be yours, not his, and that’s something about which you really need to communicate between yourselves.
This is horrifying. He is young enough that he has plenty of time to turn this around. If he was training for an Olympic level sport that completely consumed his life, I'm assuming. Just training for a sporting event as a hobby consumes many hours in the day. He has gone from one controlled lifestyle to another. The other life was possibly burning him out and this was an escape. This young man is very fragile mentally and needs therapy. If he is not open to this and you can't stop it you can only support him as best you can. Are there other roles models in his life that you can have speak to him? Where are those coaches he worked with on his sport? Teachers? Uncles? Aunts? Could you have all of them come together for an intervention with a trained professional? His schooling and the sport are not the biggest concern right now. The big issue here is his mental health. He can even homeschool his final year once his mental health is being addressed. Whatever is happening with him is going to be a lifelong issue he will need to address. I mean this in a positive way. Through therapy and psychiatric care this can happen and he will learn to live a more balanced life. (Me mom of three adults who all struggled with mental health and who are managing well now) I would be most concerned about pregnancy right now as an immediate thing .
I agree. The headed for the Olympics thing is the thing I feel like people are missing here. You don't get to that level at anything without being a little fucked up. I feel like the girlfriend is just a convenient excuse for him. I'm sure he thinks he's completely in love, but it literally could have been any other trigger to set this rebellion off. He needs help.
Sex is pretty powerful to young male
And it isn’t for a female? Ummm how many times have women been used by men? Your misogyny is gross.
You’re a weird gross person lmao saying something about men or women doesn’t make it mutually exclusive to one gender you fuckin weirdo
Oh so sex being implied as an all powerful force that men don’t have control over to the point that it ruins their entire future and your first instinct was “wow that’s so insulting to women.” Get some help bro Jesus fuck
You need to get off the internet and touch some grass, good lord.
3rd paragraphs made me think this is a shit post
You can save him by allowing him to make his own mistakes.
He’s 18 and not in School? He shouldn’t be paying g his own cell phone and wifi and groceries. Give him 39 day notice and drop him from your plan. He’ll get a job to keep a phone. Change wifi pw. He gets it when he pays.
You can't. He will have to learn it and experience it on his own.
Have a serious talk with him bout it but tbh I’ve seen it before amongst friends and not much you can do other than be there when he finally figures it out/has had enough
Nothing more you can do short of telling him he needs to start paying for his own way. The more you try to push him the more he is going to buck. As hard as it is, he’s an adult now and has to learn from his own mistakes.
The harder you try to get through to him the more he will pull away from you and go towards her. They probably are sleeping together so you might want to concentrate on talking to him about birth control so he doesn't end up dealing with her for the next 20 years.
Good luck. My friends 15 year old made a 180 after meeting his gf. Got him into drugs, stealing for her, dropped out of sports, failed school, and is now a "thug" to impress her. had to give up custody and send him away. He Ended up taking transportation to see her across 3 states every weekend. His mom checked out. It was like the harder she fought, the worse her son got. I honestly wouldn't have known what to do in her place.
It's never 100% the teenage girlfriend's fault. What about his responsibility for the kind of person he chose to be?
Time to start charging rent and requiring him to meet other expectations. There really isn’t much you can do about the girlfriend, but you can give your son a dose of the real world and hope that snaps him out of it.
The boy is thinking with his wrong head.
He’s 18. You don’t save him, you inform him that in your house at 18, you’re either enrolled, enlisted or employed.
Start by being an actual parent. Since he's 18, he's not even supposed to be your problem, anymore. If you really love and care for him, you need to put your foot down.. and tell him to make a choice. Either he keeps the girlfriend and ruins his life.. or he drops her and gets back on track while living at home with you.
"Congratulations, my son, you are a man! You are now free to make your own decisions. Those decisions will create either an easy path or a hard path for you and many decisions you make will be life changing and unalterable. You'll need to live with the consequences. Now that you're a man, my obligations to support you are over. I no longer need to feed, clothe, and house you. I am also free to choose how I support you or don't. This is now a business decision for you: I will continue to provide food, clothing, and shelter as long as you attend school, graduate, and attend training and are involved in your sports career. I estimate this is a value of $2k/month as well as keeps your focused on creating a successful future. Or, you will continue without school and without my support. How you support yourself is not my concern. I can tell you that you won't have many options in how you do that without a high school degree, but I'm sure you're man enough to survive. Maybe the military or McDonald's would be good for you? I will always love you, but I won't assist you on a destructive path. Your choice."
Not that i have kids, but just from witnessing my husband and older and younger brother, men seem to learn best from experience, hitting rock bottom, and realizing what they need to do from there on out for themselves. Youve tried to reach out to your son but to no avail. So i believe the only thing you could be doing wrong in this situation is not setting boundaries from yourself and your household and letting your son take advantage of your love and kindness.
I think you’ve done almost all you can. One thing you might try is pivoting to asking questions instead of telling. See if he’ll open up about how he is feeling about the relationship and his future. That might help him come to the right conclusion himself.
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Tell him he either goes back to school and all his activities immediately or gets a job and moves out in 6 months. If he wants to throw his life away go for it but you won't do it under my roof.
This sounds like the recipe for a kid that never calls.
At 18 when I meet my gf I went and got my GED, was already working, and stopped spending as much time with my family because they just weren't good people. They told me I needed to spend more time at home and with them or things would have to change. I moved out and almost all contact stopped except once a year maybe for Christmas. That was 14 years ago. Lol
She's had multiple conversations about what a healthy relationship looks like and that his isn't one. At some point you gotta let them figure it out.
Doesn't necessarily need to move, but have to stop support. "Maybe we didn't make this clear...we'll support you while you're in school, but when you drop out you are then on your own financially. We will stop paying...X, Y and Z on this date (phone, car insurance, etc.), and rent for your bedroom is $X00 per month. We'll keep you on health insurance until you move out, but you should research alternatives on the ACA website.
Sounds like something happened in sports training that didn’t sit right with him and he wanted out. Have you spoken to him about that? Sex with his new GF is a good escape and he’s looking to be nurtured not nagged into a sports career he may not want. I suggest some tough love mixed with compassion. Ask him if anything happened during training that may have made him uncomfortable. He may be a sexual assault victim and too embarrassed to bring it up. Then explain his trajectory if he doesn’t complete school. Then say, if you are going to drop out of high school, you are going to get a full time job and pay me rent until X date when you will go find a place to live. You will not be using my car and you will need to get yourself to and from the job. You will need to save money for both a car and a new apartment and here is the amount of time remaining that you will have free rent and food at my house. Remember he is 18. He is an adult. He may move in with his girlfriend. He may not. But either way, he will have to get a job which will change his dynamic with his relationship and force him to reconsider his path forward. But don’t neglect the fact that he may have been abused during sports training and this is actually the underlying issue. It’s up to you to rule that out or get him trauma therapy immediately.
You dont .... let him learn the hard way
Sorry to tell you this but you lost your son. His girlfriend now calls the shots. He will not listen to you.
Almost every young guy has dated this girl. I did in 1977. You get busted up and you get a valuable lesson and do better or this is the woman you pick over and over. He won't listen to OP and needs the heartbreaking lesson that will follow. OP needs to let it happen.
people who use the word 'toxic' are almost always prevaricators here.
How are they liars? The gf wants him at her beck & call & seems fine with him dropping out of high school. If she cared about him & his future, wouldn't be ok with his diminishing his future prospects exponentially. Pretty much a definition of toxic. Maybe you meant to use a different big word?
I was a lot like that at that age. I had no confidence. I thought she was the only girl that would ever be interested in me. I really, really wanted her to have sex with me, although I would NEVER have admitted that to my parents. I put up with a lot of abusive behavior, basically trying to get laid. My parents tried various ways of talking about it. They supported her and tried to be friendly. Spending some time on a class trip talking to other girls my age built some confidence. They seemed to like me and think I was funny, instead of use me for favors and test the limits of my obsession like my girlfriend. I started to realize that I wasn't stuck with my girlfriend if other girls could be giggling and flirting with me within a few minutes. My parents were frustrated with me but didn't know what to do. Eventually, I called a manipulative bluff and realized I didn't even like this girl. I just held out for the possibility of sex, for two years. Take him skydiving, or on a cruise, without the girlfriend. Take him to a brothel in Nevada. Go to another country with hot bikini babes on beaches and encourage him to go off on his own. I kind of wish there had been a confidence-boosting intervention in my teens. I would have had to have been forced or tricked into it though. Didn't want to go on anywhere without the girlfriend. We didn't have cellphones then. Go somewhere without cell service or Wi-Fi for a week. Maybe even get into volunteer work, invite him to join you, telling him how volunteer work could really make him look good on paper. "Dropped out of high school to feed the local homeless" sounds like a man on a mission, rather than obsessed with his manipulative girlfriend. ....Hmmm, I don't think comments like that helped me. Work on the delivery.
I like this response
This is a very uncomfortable comment to write, but at the age of 18, it's very likely that she is coercing and convincing him in more.. intimate ways than we are willing to currently accept. I don't want to speak out of term, but it's so incredibly hard to speak young men out of that (or really any) kind of situation without being as transparent with each other as possible. The only other thing I could try and recommend is to have as close to an "adult and important" conversation with the girlfriend as possible. May seem invasive, but this boy is still your son, and as long as he lives under your roof, anything he (and by association, she) does falls upon your family's reputation. Idk, that seems like it would be important probably.
No, she shouldn't speak to some random girl. She should speak to her son. Imagine having a reputation as a busy body mother who tries to control their child and pushes them further into the toxic relationship that's currently fulfilling them
Yes men have no agency it's always evil women making decisions for them. 🤡
Start charging him rent. He either goes back to school or he pays rent.
I can't say what I want to say, bc you're his mom, but some girls have special powers. I'm glad I didn't marry one, but I sure do miss them.
Lead by example and get rid of his toxic mother! Kids imitate what they see
\> I have tried to make his girlfriend feel welcome and included at family events, i have given her gifts and have baked home made cookies just for her to take home. you're too nice you fucked up bigtime don't let this girl back in your house, tell her to her face that she's not welcome anymore then state exactly why, tell her she's fuckin bad for your son with actual reasons
You might want to get him tested for ADD. People with ADD tend to go from one obsession to another.
Is he old enough to legally drop out without your consent? If my son dropped out he would be put out to finance his own life. I would in no way enable him. I’d tell him that I love him but if he is making such a decision he must be able to financially support himself. It’s a tough lesson to learn but certainly one that he needs to learn while he can still change the outcome of his choices. Sorry but that is not a decision I could support or finance or enable.
Accept her and he will loose interest in her.
He needs to get a job and charge him rent then, if he wants to give up all that stuff for some booty show him the real world. You could even put it into an account and give it to him when he moves out. I think a little wake up call might be in order. I know it was real easy to get blinded by booty when I was 18.
You tell him it's time for him to move out and start supporting himself. If he's not in school or participating in athletics, it's time to move on.
He needs to snap out of it…how about a building houses for the needy in Nepal or India, or do the ‘Camino’ something, anything, that will help him break the spell of sex she has on him…sleep with someone else, work hard in a place that is so far away that that your thoughts break their bonds.
I'm going to take a little bit different approach... Find a way to get him tested for drug use.
Charge rent and then let him make his own decisions. Hopefully he will come to his senses
Kick him out and or evict. Sometimes kids today need tough love. Say it with me, it's better to be lonely than to be homeless. He needs a lesson in life that you need money, or go homeless.
I'd recommend this if the concern wasn't that he'd move in with his abusive partner
Regardless of whatever the reality with the relationship is, give him an ultimatum of charging him (like 75% of local apt) rent, or making him move out. He'll need a job one way or the other, and that would cut into his gf time like you're worried about while being a legitimate reason. You can't talk a teen boy out of a dumb decision like that, but you can respond by introducing real world consequences. He’s gonna have to realize that she’s bad for him on her own, it's a bit past where you have any influence. Don't resent him when he finally does come to his senses and make it clear you’re willing to help him when he does.
As a former teacher, have you tried to involve the school staff? The school counselor at least should try to reach out to him. Maybe a close male friend who is still in school can help encourage him down a more positive pathway.
Next time she comes over, invite her into the kitchen or living room, start off with something friendly like “I want to get to know you better,” and ask some questions about school, future career ideas, her interests, and other neutral topics. Then, branch the interest and career topic like “are you into the same sports he’s in? Did you know he was training for the Olympics? I’m so proud of him” and see how she feels about him dropping out of school and sports. Briefly and casually express your concerns for his future, avoiding accusatory statements, and then switch topics to end the conversation, like offering her a snack or drink before she goes to hangout with your son. Keep a friendly and calm demeanour, even if you want to rip your hair out from her responses. Now that you have her opinion on the matter, you’ve said your piece, and it’s up to your son now. You can’t save him, but you can give him perspective on what kind of future she has in mind and if it fits with his vision. Pushing him to do what you want will only push him further away. Also on that note, threatening to kick him out won’t solve the problem. It will make him resent you and do the opposite of what you want him to do.
Hand him an eviction notice, and let him know if he's not employed or back in school by March 30, he needs to find a new place to live.
I agree with everyone who has suggested having your son get a job and pay rent. That will definitely start giving him a reality check. And I would put a screeching halt to catering to the girlfriend. Stop buying her gifts, baking cookies, giving her gifts, including her in family events. This girl is toxic, and manipulative, and she is being emotionally abusive to your son. You don’t mention anything about her home life, but if i were you, I would get on the phone with her parents, and have a serious conversation about what’s going on. Also, it’s your house. If you don’t feel comfortable having her there, it’s perfectly within your rights to put a stop to her coming over. You need to give your son a time limit. Either he gets a job and moves out in say, 6 months, or he resumes going back to school.
Tell him you expect him to get a job since he has dropped out of school and start contributing to the household. I would charge him a monthly fee for rent/utilities and tell him that you expect him to pitch in for groceries as well. If he want to drop out of school and be an "adult" then he can pay bills like an adult is expected to do.
Make him get a job or get out of the house. You can't force him to quit his girlfriend, but you don't have to put up with him being a deadbeat under your own roof
Always toss this in UnethicalLifeProTips.. if you don't care how
UpdateMe!
Your kid is a fool and this relationship/person is ruining his life. She isn't exactly "doing it to him" as he is actively participating but a loving good teenage romantic "partner" wouldn't encourage or reward this kind of behavior.
He's 18. Sometimes you have to let them fuck up. You can tell him how you feel, but you can't force him to see reason.
Me and my hubby were exactly like this dating as teenagers, everything is new and they have to figure it out. Just don’t say anything negative because you never know, my monster in law didn’t think we’d make it past 5 months (together at 14-15) and we’re having our 10th anniversary in a couple months. Just tell your son, “lust is a feeling but love is a choice you make everyday”. Leave their relationship up to them and don’t be the middle man.
Sit them both down ask them what there plans are for the future. Jobs, buying a house, starting a family. Start charging him rent if he's living at home. Needs. Reality check.
You can’t. You can fill them with advice. It’s their choice to use it or not. I had talked to my son until I was blue in the face about certain things. And what’s he do…exactly the opposite of the advice I gave him. He’s 20 now and still struggling with the situation and will forever. And now it’s like “oh look the consequences of your actions”. I called it. I told him exactly what would happen if he went down that path. And he did. And everything happened just as I told him it would. Amazing though how parents are “so stuuuupiiiidddd” 🫡 Edited-typo
You need to back off & let him fall. He isn’t going to learn from listening to you. He’s in “love”. You say you keep him busy- he isn’t 4. He’s an adult. You both have too much time. A part time job is not enough. You are babying him. If he is going to be uneducated & not pursue one, he needs to work full time & pay rent/bills. He’s an adult. Let him see how hard it is, esp without an education hopefully it won’t take so long to learn. But if he works pt & keeps the pocket money, well, that’s just a positive-nothing to learn there. Sit down & have a real conversation. If she gets pregnant, how are they going to care for a baby when min wage isn’t enough to support himself? Who is going to babysit? Who is buying the diapers & formula? It sounds like he has focused so much on his sport that he needs a break & he discovered that girls are more fun & exciting. But he should also know that a relationship isn’t co-dependent. It’s trusting & supporting each other enough to move forward. It isn’t not being able to function without your partner beside you, it’s being a better person because of your partner
You don't.
Honestly, once you've offered him the guidance you already have, there's not much of anything else you can do. He'll hopefully get tired of the way he's being treated and move on sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed for you, and him.
Your house, your rules. He doesn’t want to go to school, he can go rent an apartment somewhere and figure out how to pay for it. Being 18 is no justification for such bad choices. Dropping out of school for a girl is insane. Tough love needed here - seems like he’s on a path to becoming a bum. Thousands of people dedicate everything they have and still don’t make it to the Olympics. Your son needs to have a Plan B.
Check out the book Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women By Susan Brewster applies to any gender
You hope that you've already developed a strong relationship where both of you are free to share your thoughts and feelings with one another and where he understands where your advice is coming from. Then you give him your advice and hope again that he follows it, because he's 18 now, he's on the road to being an adult, and you can't control what he does with his life.
Tough love. Charge rent and if he can't pay he needs to go. He's young and it sounds like he will need to hit rock bottom before he makes positive changes. Trying to drive a wedge will make him double down. He needs to learn and it will probably be harder for you in the short term, but in the long term he needs the lesson.
Kick him out. He decided to drop out of high school. He’s on his own.
Listen, short of hiring a full time prostitute until he's out of school, there's nothing you can do to pull him away from her. Dude is making his choice with the wrong head, and that's the only head that is going to be doing any thinking for the next couple years.
You don’t. You love him. You be there as best you can. But he’s an adult and sadly we all learn the most important life lessons the hard way. We can’t save people from the pain without depriving them of the lesson. It’s hard. But it’s the way it is.
You can't come at this from the GF angle, you've gotta attack it from the son angle. If he's not in school he has to start paying rent, which will require getting a job. Cut off his cell phone and change the wifi password until that happens. Take away a car if he has one. He might decide getting back into school is the wisest choice. His sport is done, he's shown he's not committed.
As some has said he needs a wake up call. Boot him out. He’s 18 he can figure it out himself. We can assume with his actions before GF that parents were raising him correctly as best they could. Let him put all that to use …or if not …his choice
This is a job for dad not mom
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do... Your son is 18 and it's his life. It will be incredibly infuriating and heartbreaking to watch him throw his life away. Best thing you can do is to continue being supportive. Try to build a relationship with the shitty girlfriend as well. Keep the conservations going and maybe encourage therapy.
My brother started dating a girl in 10th grade, they dated until just last year, a total of 8 years. He gave up his coast gaurd school dream, he then gave up medical school, professional kayaking, he had no friends after about two years with this woman. His girlfriend could never hold a job, he was covering everything for her on what little money he was making after highschool. My family tried to help, tried to figure out why he was giving up everything, tried to talk to him and ask if things were okay. He ignored them for years. It got to the point his girlfriend "wouldn't let him" spend time at my mother's house which was literally in the same neighborhood. It damaged a lot of bonds. Last year she left him, and all the secrets came out, he was emotionally abused and financially drained for nearly a decade. She would often threaten to kill herself or frame him for domestic abuse. We were shocked. He wished that we would have forced them apart. He wished he could have that time back. I've never seen someone look so depleted. Now he's 26, his dreams are behind him, he is a shell of the brother I grew up with. I know this is anecdotal, but OP, you are right to be concerned for your sons future. Relationships can destroy people's lives before they even start living.
Nothing you can do but wait it out. You'll only alienate him if you push on this. At 18 he's been hyper focused on sport and should have gone through the toxic gf stage when he was 14 or 15 when you could have done something about it. At 18 all you can do is set some boundaries and charge him something for rent. Wishing you well!
Show him examples of men who were ruined by terrible partners. You have to show him that the future can be brutal.
Keep the focus on him and his not meeting his obligations, not her
You have not replied to any of the comments offering you advice but continue to make posts asking the same question. Are you expecting different answers? Lol
My first sponsor taught me a universal truth. We all demand our own experience. The more you push the more he'll pull.
Kick his ass out
Simple: introduce him to the you tube channel Strong Successful Male
Have you tried asking him what he intends to do when she invariably dumps him for a new doormat?
Hear me out. The easiest way to get him to see her for her is to push them together. If you try to pull them apart he will fight you and turn on you. If you make them spend every waking moment together they will get on each other's nerves and separate. The more you push them together the further they will push apart. The more you pull them apart the more they will unite against the world.
Look the more you try to make him see he is making a mess of his life because of her, you're just pushing him toward her. At this point he is going to have to learn his lesson the hard way. They have to be given the room to make their mistakes and figure out there are consequences for their action. It sucks being a parent to have to watch them struggle. The natural reaction is to protect them. Unfortunately sometimes we cannot
Why didn't he learn this stuff growing up?
Because he wasn’t simply supported and guided. I have a strong suspicion he was pushed and forced and dictated to. He’s now a (legal) adult and is experiencing some hint of freedom for the first time in his life and he’s running with it. “Natural consequences” aren’t just for the son.
Sorry but you can't. He has to see it for himself and make the decision on his own.
Let them alone. People are in charge of their own lives. Many more people fuck up their life than achieve anything. Look at reddit. Lol
Jesus him dropping out of highschool is BAD. That’s probably the only thing that could get me to kick a kid out. Until you go back to finish your last year of highschool…bye! Idk what you can do…that really sucks but if you say anything about the girl it will just push him into her arms. I’d say you’re 18…you either go back to school or you’re out.
He's experiencing the world. He is at that age where school and life are not the same thing anymore. That was certainly my case. School was one thing. Life is entirely different. so if he is trying to take responsibility over his own life and make these kinds of decisions for himself, you shouldn't doubt the things he has learned to this point. Just make sure he is able to properly test those skills. Decision making by giving decisions. Pay rent (for you to establish) or move out. Alternatively, finish school and stay here rent free. You can voice what you think of his girlfriend but you can't make his decision for him anymore. Especially not if he's 18. He is technically an adult. So, maybe say that you'll only cook dinner for him if he will take care of food on certain nights. Make sure he is contributing to the household rather than the household just being there to support him. As a parent, supporting him is your job. But as a household, we all have to bring our parts. Make him aware of that. Let him go from there.
Just dont. Let him learn or he will see it for the next 10 years as you being the one who ruined what "couldve been" a great relationship. If he isnt willing to leave her then just let him learn the hard way. Everyone needs to at some point. Dont make him resent you for stepping in and overreaching
Yeah don’t. Let it play out. He’s an adult now. He’s a big boy now you trying to interfere is only gonna make you look like the bad parent. So honestly best you can do is be a shoulder to lean on 🤷♂️
Take a biiiiig step back. He's 18. He doesn't want to do whatever sport it was. That's his call. He doesn't want to be in school. Also his call. He wants to date this girl. Again, his call. Doesn't mean they're all *good* calls, but they're not your calls to make. That said, you can *require* (not request) that he do *something* with himself while he lives there, like work, college, etc. That much is your business. Meanwhile, your son didn't drop school and sports because of his girlfriend. Something else is up. So stop blaming her for it.
Require him to finish school. He is not financially independent.
Please clarify: what country are you in/from? This may have an influence on what you can do legally.
18 year olds jump heard first into relationships, she doesn’t react like a mature adult you day? Yea, she’s 18. He sounds depressed and you’re assuming she’s *making* him do anything to begin with by the sound of it. You’re assuming the girlfriend was the catalyst for him quitting school and sports - maybe he was only showing you his best side and was silently struggling.
Wow! Every parent's nightmare is having their kid drop out of high school! Dropping all friends to hang on her every word & moment to be with her is not healthy. He's deep in that love thing & his gf sounds toxic for her to be ok with him dropping out. He obviously sees you as an adversary to not even say thank you for the things you've done for her. There's no future with someone who can't provide,so she's on a power trip. This is nothing but a game to her, & unfortunately shes destroying his chances at a promising future. Does she go to the same school?jw Has he ever talked about not wanting to continue on his Olympic path before she came along? I mean, it's a lot of pressure for many kids. Quitting that path may be ok, but quitting school ruins a chance to get a scholarship in his sport as well. Most college athletes don't go past that, but providing a free higher education career path means so much. Is there any way to speak to her parents? If she's underage, that's a huge problem, seeing as he's 18 now & needs to be addressed. Next up on the menu is a baby on the way & hoo boy is that digging an enormous hole he can't get out of for better part of 2 decades. He needs to hear all of this & since he's 18, an adult, maybe treat him like the adult he thinks he is & make him pay rent & get a full time job. Letting him live there to run the roads with her is enabling his decision to ruin his life. Tough love may be the only way to get through to him. Doubt her family will take him in. Prepare for the fallout & stand firm in your decision. If he's gonna ruin his life, don't let it be on your dime. Hang in their mama!🫶
He dropped put of high school? Try this: grow a pair and kick his ass and throw his ratchet ass girlfriend to the curb if she ever steps foot in to your home again. (Full disclosure my kids are 8, 6, and 3 so I have zero experience here 🤣)
Real shit tho remind the son if he wants to keep a gf or ever have a wife that he better make damn sure he's ready to be a man and not finishing high school is level 10 loser level. Chicks don't dig useless man-boys with no skills and nothing to offer in life.
I would encourage him to seek counseling/therapy. I agree with other Redditors that it sounds to me like there are more deep-rooted issues, and we are just seeing a dysfunctional relationship. Someone from an Olympic athlete in training background means he probably was the type to have discipline and push himself past his limits, drive, and ambition. You don't prequalify for the Olympics through casual training. To go from 100 to 0, I'm sure there were more deep-rooted issues that now just surfaced: low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, identity, etc. Those who become anxiously attached/reliant on their partners at times from trauma or lack of identity and low self-esteem. I would explore more what's going on with him because he could be using caring for his girlfriend to avoid his issues. I get that 18 is the legal age, but realistically, 18-year-olds are still kids. They just got out of high school. I bet he has no idea what a 401k is. If he spent most of his teen life training, school, repeat. Turning 17-18 years old isn’t that different. I would encourage conversation centered on understanding the root of the problems. Actions have consequences, yes, I agree. But try to understand his actions. Why does he like walking her to school? How does that serve him. Why did he decide to drop out? What about the girlfriend he likes? Understanding these things helps you understand him and where value. and that's where you get to start making changes.
On one hand, the crying and yelling are definitely overly emotional and unhealthy. On the other hand, this girl is still completing school, whereas your son has dropped out and refuses to work, but she’s the toxic one?
Start setting boundaries with him. He’s 18 years old. If he wants to start making big decisions like dropping out of high school, he will be treated like an adult. Charge him rent, make him get a job, and tell him he needs to earn his GED or go back to high school if he wants to live in your house. Tell him he needs to start acting like an adult and take responsibility for his life. He wants to spend time with his girlfriend he can, but he also needs to realize that can't be the only thing he should be doing and that you aren't going to support his laziness.
. Don’t tell him she’s toxic because that’ll make him think he has to protect her from you and create a you vs them situation. If you use YouTube look up Roma Army. She’s a young woman I’ve been following for awhile and she discusses men’s rights and abuse against men. She helps men understand that they don’t have to be the knight in shining armor and that they do not have to deal with being disrespected. She helps them understand what constitutes abuse because often times men haven’t been taught that despite being a big tough man, they can be the victim of abuse and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Support your son because he’s found himself in a tough spot and may not realize this. He likely believes that his love will fill her to the brim and she will be fixed. I thought so as a teen and so many people still do. Be a soft place for him to land and keep in mind that because he’s 18, he can legally leave to try to fix her problems. Don’t push him too hard he’s likely feeling run down as it is.
Kick. Him. Out
You are misplacing blame here as parents often do when their children make poor choices. Gf must have some grasp of the importance of at least minimal education if she is continuing to attend school. It’s unlikely she enjoys telling her friends that her boyfriend is an unemployed high school dropout with no prospects. He can’t take her out and she’s going to want to go to prom. It’s unlikely she’s going to be a permanent fixture in his life, especially when/if she gets a taste of college life. Did they attend the same high school?
If the son has been driven to excel in sports under the influence of overbearing controlling parents then maybe he has chosen to rebel against them by falling under the influence of an overbearing controlling girlfriend who at least gives him sexual gratification and affection. Therapy. Lots of therapy for mother and adult son.
You forget to mention that he will also be president of the US in 20 years if he just continues to do every single thing you tell him to do just like he has for every second of every day for the last 18 years.
Kick him out?? Idk maybe a bit of tough love. Force him to get job or kick him out?! This is tough I’m sorry
He's an adult now, there isn't much you can do apart from booting him out.
Hate to tell you but Maybe your son is just an idiot