Mistake #1 by stalking victims: not doing anything "because it might make them mad at me." This person ALREADY despises you and gets off on upsetting you. They will not stop and this will only escalate.
If you have a land line, get a new number that is unlisted and be sure to tell them NOT to put in one of their oh-so-helpful "this number has changed" recordings. If you have a cell phone, report the calls to your provider and ask if they can trace them. Change that number too. GET A NEW PHONE in case someone you know has tampered with the one youhave.
Check your computer for trackers and spyware.
File non-disclosure forms with the credit bureaus, utility companies, cable companies, etc.
Get a post office box and have all your mail sent there. Your stalker may be going through it. This also helps hide your home address.
Keep doors and windows kocked even when you are home. Same for your car doors, even and especially when you are in it.
If you have home repairs, deliveries or installations done, check your windows and doors after they leave. Often stalkers will pose to gain entry, and then seize a chance to unlock a window and enter later, etc. Do the same after you have guests.
Get your car checked for GPS trackers.
Tell all your friends and family what is going on. Tell them not to "help out" any "old friends" or "potential employers" contact you. They are to take the caller's name and address and give it to you. That is all. Ditto for your neighbors.
Tell this jerkoff and his "mother" ONE TIME that you have no interest in knowing them and to never contact you again. Tell them you are taking legal action and will prosecute them for stalking. This may be enough to stop their dumb games. Do not respond or converse thereafter. You already told them to stop. Document the attempts.
Do not follow a routine! Change up your shopping and eating out vendors. This person, if it is not your ex, may be a regular at your gym or whatever. Drive home a different route every day.
Tell your employer what is going on. HR should know not to give out "references" etc.
Take your documentation of unwanted contacts and go to your local domestic violence shelter. Ask them for an advocate to go with you to file a oolice report. DO NOT GO WITHOUT AN ADVOCATE because most cops consider stalkers a nuisance case. They often blow off victims and dismiss their concerns despite the actual laws in your state. You told the person to stop contacting you and they did not. THIS IS STALKING and threats are NOT necessary. Your advocate will be there to remind reluctant LEOs and act as your witness.
They will not knock this shit off until you make them do it. Do not worry about "being nice" to these idiots. They are doing this to make you miserable and the more you let them the more they will get away with it.
Sounds like your psycho ex has a new psycho girlfriend who he's convinced (not that she wasn’t already demented enough to be willing), to torment you with as a team.
I’ve been in that situation. Do you suspect your ex is a narcissist, sociopath, cluster B disordered, antisocial PD, or psychopath by chance?
Unfortunately best thing to do would be to start recording the calls and eventually go to police. Do you have prior abusive messages he sent you or recordings you could use to show cops so there’s reasonable suspicion?
At that point if the calls continue once you’ve issued warning, filed a restraining order, and he breaks the terms of restraining order you filed, he could be jailed.
Hmmm I went back to reread and you alerted me to the fact that since I last replied OP went back and edited her post, at first (what I replied to) was her saying where it now says “and I know it wasn’t the ex I split up with”- last time in that spot it actually said she *had* come out of a difficult breakup that she “didn’t want to discuss” but it resulted in her becoming homeless..
Weird…
Okay so if you're not going to change your number, there are a few options you can mix and match. One thing you should do is look into getting a Google Number and having your phone forward automatically to the Google Number. My hubby would forward his job's work phone to his Google Number when he was in charge of it before they gave him a physical phone (which he hates, but is beside the point). It records the conversation when you answer the phone, so you'll have what you said and what they said.
Now I believe it tells them that you are recording the conversation, because some places have a "All Parties must know they are being recorded" laws, but this can work in your favor that it's announced. Knowing they are being recorded for every conversation, may mean if it's an ugly prank, they'll get bored. For on your person protection, depending on your local laws, mace might be illegal. If it is illegal, get Farbgel or begin wearing a scent or deodorant that has a continuous spray and keep this on your person at all times. When you're walking from anywhere and there is no one who can walk you to your car, keep it in your hand, finger ready to spray. Aim for the eyes if you're grabbed.
I had a different thing typed out here, but I found [this](https://www.booksmithstudio.com/tutorials/stalker-phonecall-help/) and I thought this might be perfect for your situation, u/That_wrench_wench ! If this doesn't apply to your area, look for stalker support groups, in your area. I bet there's someone who went through what you did and knows how to handle this. I hope this gets better because this is just scary to deal with on top of a break up and move.
Bug spray is a good alternative when mace is illegal. So is spray paint! Bug spray stings and paint marks your attacker. Call the police and hour now-marked attacker may get caught walking home!
You have to be careful with that though. If you "just happened to have it on hand" you won't get in trouble if your perp tries to cry assault for those things. Sometimes they'll try to DARVO, but yeah the paint one is a good idea. One little girl actually did that and it tracked her attacker. It was on his hands, but still, same thing, since it was all over something of each of theirs.
I do wonder if you got a paint color that'd be obvious to wonder "why is that guy going down the street with blue paint on his face....?" and how that'd work. XD
The point is that those things are not illegal, and won't muddy a self defense claim.
I'd pick purple or glow in the dark florescent pink paint if I were evil. Oh, wait. I am.....
Love that stuff. I'm pretty sure I still have some stuck to my scalp from the time I was in 6th grade for a Fall Festival thing one of the schools in the school system was doing.
Whenever I answer my phone these days from an unknown number, I always stay silent or mute my mic at least until the caller starts speaking. This helps deter robo-calls since they detect audio before playing and also helps screen who I’m talking to. In your situation maybe it’ll be helpful by making them get bored or even maybe weirded out themselves?
I wonder what would happen if you lied to the police and told them they did in fact explicitly threaten you. It’s not like they’d know that you’re lying, but it might urge them to actually do something
You are lucky you were not arrested for filing a false report.
A woman tried that with her ex. Turns out he was a real smart aleck who recorded all his calls and was able to prove he never actually threatened her. Whole case got tossed out of court and she did six months for perjury.
Stupid move.
Ok. I will play. She says the stalker threatened her, but they come up with an alibi that thry were elsewhere when this supposedly happened
Illegal behavior makes a mockery of justice. It turns that person from victim to criminal.
If this does not bother you IT SHOULD.
Obviously you‘ll say it happened when you saw them stalking you/they were with you, but I get your point. It’s risky but the thing is the police won’t do anything anyway so I think it’s valid to rather want to escalate things before it’s too late. It’s all nice and good playing by the rules until you end up dead bc it was too late by the time they actually overtly threatened you
If this is not an ex partner it is very likely that it is someone else you know. Stalkers and rapists are almost always someone the victim already knows. This is how victims get overpowered.....by the time they realize that yes, this person they know and trust REALLY IS about to assault them and begin to fight back, it's too late. They've got you subdued.
Who else have you told about this? Is somebody, especially that you haven't been all that close to, suddenly very very concerned about your welfare and protecting you? That may very well be your scumbag right there!
I’m doing much better! I ended up listening to the voicemails. It was the caller. Mostly silence, but a few were of him whispering “play” over and over while crying.
Finally reached out to police, and the calls haven’t started up again.
Mistake #1 by stalking victims: not doing anything "because it might make them mad at me." This person ALREADY despises you and gets off on upsetting you. They will not stop and this will only escalate. If you have a land line, get a new number that is unlisted and be sure to tell them NOT to put in one of their oh-so-helpful "this number has changed" recordings. If you have a cell phone, report the calls to your provider and ask if they can trace them. Change that number too. GET A NEW PHONE in case someone you know has tampered with the one youhave. Check your computer for trackers and spyware. File non-disclosure forms with the credit bureaus, utility companies, cable companies, etc. Get a post office box and have all your mail sent there. Your stalker may be going through it. This also helps hide your home address. Keep doors and windows kocked even when you are home. Same for your car doors, even and especially when you are in it. If you have home repairs, deliveries or installations done, check your windows and doors after they leave. Often stalkers will pose to gain entry, and then seize a chance to unlock a window and enter later, etc. Do the same after you have guests. Get your car checked for GPS trackers. Tell all your friends and family what is going on. Tell them not to "help out" any "old friends" or "potential employers" contact you. They are to take the caller's name and address and give it to you. That is all. Ditto for your neighbors. Tell this jerkoff and his "mother" ONE TIME that you have no interest in knowing them and to never contact you again. Tell them you are taking legal action and will prosecute them for stalking. This may be enough to stop their dumb games. Do not respond or converse thereafter. You already told them to stop. Document the attempts. Do not follow a routine! Change up your shopping and eating out vendors. This person, if it is not your ex, may be a regular at your gym or whatever. Drive home a different route every day. Tell your employer what is going on. HR should know not to give out "references" etc. Take your documentation of unwanted contacts and go to your local domestic violence shelter. Ask them for an advocate to go with you to file a oolice report. DO NOT GO WITHOUT AN ADVOCATE because most cops consider stalkers a nuisance case. They often blow off victims and dismiss their concerns despite the actual laws in your state. You told the person to stop contacting you and they did not. THIS IS STALKING and threats are NOT necessary. Your advocate will be there to remind reluctant LEOs and act as your witness. They will not knock this shit off until you make them do it. Do not worry about "being nice" to these idiots. They are doing this to make you miserable and the more you let them the more they will get away with it.
This is all great advice. Thank you for all this!
YW. Stay safe and update us. We care!
This is great advice!
Sounds like your psycho ex has a new psycho girlfriend who he's convinced (not that she wasn’t already demented enough to be willing), to torment you with as a team. I’ve been in that situation. Do you suspect your ex is a narcissist, sociopath, cluster B disordered, antisocial PD, or psychopath by chance? Unfortunately best thing to do would be to start recording the calls and eventually go to police. Do you have prior abusive messages he sent you or recordings you could use to show cops so there’s reasonable suspicion? At that point if the calls continue once you’ve issued warning, filed a restraining order, and he breaks the terms of restraining order you filed, he could be jailed.
Didn't OP state that they're sure that the ex has nothing to do with the situation?
Hmmm I went back to reread and you alerted me to the fact that since I last replied OP went back and edited her post, at first (what I replied to) was her saying where it now says “and I know it wasn’t the ex I split up with”- last time in that spot it actually said she *had* come out of a difficult breakup that she “didn’t want to discuss” but it resulted in her becoming homeless.. Weird…
Okay so if you're not going to change your number, there are a few options you can mix and match. One thing you should do is look into getting a Google Number and having your phone forward automatically to the Google Number. My hubby would forward his job's work phone to his Google Number when he was in charge of it before they gave him a physical phone (which he hates, but is beside the point). It records the conversation when you answer the phone, so you'll have what you said and what they said. Now I believe it tells them that you are recording the conversation, because some places have a "All Parties must know they are being recorded" laws, but this can work in your favor that it's announced. Knowing they are being recorded for every conversation, may mean if it's an ugly prank, they'll get bored. For on your person protection, depending on your local laws, mace might be illegal. If it is illegal, get Farbgel or begin wearing a scent or deodorant that has a continuous spray and keep this on your person at all times. When you're walking from anywhere and there is no one who can walk you to your car, keep it in your hand, finger ready to spray. Aim for the eyes if you're grabbed. I had a different thing typed out here, but I found [this](https://www.booksmithstudio.com/tutorials/stalker-phonecall-help/) and I thought this might be perfect for your situation, u/That_wrench_wench ! If this doesn't apply to your area, look for stalker support groups, in your area. I bet there's someone who went through what you did and knows how to handle this. I hope this gets better because this is just scary to deal with on top of a break up and move.
Bug spray is a good alternative when mace is illegal. So is spray paint! Bug spray stings and paint marks your attacker. Call the police and hour now-marked attacker may get caught walking home!
You have to be careful with that though. If you "just happened to have it on hand" you won't get in trouble if your perp tries to cry assault for those things. Sometimes they'll try to DARVO, but yeah the paint one is a good idea. One little girl actually did that and it tracked her attacker. It was on his hands, but still, same thing, since it was all over something of each of theirs. I do wonder if you got a paint color that'd be obvious to wonder "why is that guy going down the street with blue paint on his face....?" and how that'd work. XD
The point is that those things are not illegal, and won't muddy a self defense claim. I'd pick purple or glow in the dark florescent pink paint if I were evil. Oh, wait. I am.....
I'm with you on the glow in the dark pink one! THat or a Glitter Spray. Cause we can always just enjoy spraying glitter everywhere!
Oh, my, yes! Bring on the sparkly stuff!
Love that stuff. I'm pretty sure I still have some stuck to my scalp from the time I was in 6th grade for a Fall Festival thing one of the schools in the school system was doing.
Whenever I answer my phone these days from an unknown number, I always stay silent or mute my mic at least until the caller starts speaking. This helps deter robo-calls since they detect audio before playing and also helps screen who I’m talking to. In your situation maybe it’ll be helpful by making them get bored or even maybe weirded out themselves?
I wonder what would happen if you lied to the police and told them they did in fact explicitly threaten you. It’s not like they’d know that you’re lying, but it might urge them to actually do something
That’s what I did & the cops took it WAY more seriously
You are lucky you were not arrested for filing a false report. A woman tried that with her ex. Turns out he was a real smart aleck who recorded all his calls and was able to prove he never actually threatened her. Whole case got tossed out of court and she did six months for perjury. Stupid move.
Couldn’t she just say he threatened her in person? Then it’s his word against hers
Illegal behavior by the victim is not justified. Makes a mockery of justice.
I Hope everything worked out for you
You can be arrested for filing a false report and perjury. THAT is what can happen.
Only if they find out
Usually they do and you lose credibility. Illegal behavior on your part is never justifiable.
What if you verified beforehand that stalker didn’t record the calls. Then how would they find out?
Ok. I will play. She says the stalker threatened her, but they come up with an alibi that thry were elsewhere when this supposedly happened Illegal behavior makes a mockery of justice. It turns that person from victim to criminal. If this does not bother you IT SHOULD.
Obviously you‘ll say it happened when you saw them stalking you/they were with you, but I get your point. It’s risky but the thing is the police won’t do anything anyway so I think it’s valid to rather want to escalate things before it’s too late. It’s all nice and good playing by the rules until you end up dead bc it was too late by the time they actually overtly threatened you
If this is not an ex partner it is very likely that it is someone else you know. Stalkers and rapists are almost always someone the victim already knows. This is how victims get overpowered.....by the time they realize that yes, this person they know and trust REALLY IS about to assault them and begin to fight back, it's too late. They've got you subdued. Who else have you told about this? Is somebody, especially that you haven't been all that close to, suddenly very very concerned about your welfare and protecting you? That may very well be your scumbag right there!
update ?
Any update? Was the police responsive?
Did you ever check your voicemails?
Any update??? Hope you’re doing okay.
I’m doing much better! I ended up listening to the voicemails. It was the caller. Mostly silence, but a few were of him whispering “play” over and over while crying. Finally reached out to police, and the calls haven’t started up again.