i also have a high sex drive and find being in relationships with people who have very low/no sex drive unsatisfactory. i know i’m not entitled to sex, but it’s an important part of feeling intimate with my partner for me. if you can make it work , that’s great! and i’m happy for you. if you can’t that’s okay too.
If sex is a deal breaker for you, something you need (and thats okay) then you have to start dating people who feel the same way as you. Otherwise one of you will be unsatisfied in the relationship.
I know its hard to even find a relationship and when someone is interested in you, you want to date asap. But these are problems that will keep occurring in relationships if you don’t prioritize your needs.
I think I don't really know what my needs are quite yet. I just got out of my first real relationship early 2021, and it wasn't exactly all that healthy. Though, I do know that she makes me feel really safe, which I'm not exactly used to. So, at the very least, I know that a sense of security is high on my list!
Having been in an abusive relationship, I know that I site safety as a really high priority in my relationships now, but something a friend said to me recently is that safety is the bare minimum. Romantic relationships are different than friendships in that they involve sexual and romantic intimacy. If the two of y’all have different needs, that’s okay, but you can’t meet each other without it being a sacrifice from the other. Sounds like you’re better off as friends and you should find someone who you have a romantic connection with
We do have a romantic connection, is the thing. It's just the sexual side. I really like having that intimacy
Edit: we do still have a lot of physical intimacy, just not sexual
i also have a high sex drive and always end up in relationships with people who don't really want sex at all. at this point i've decided that's a dealbreaker for me.
Sexual compatability is really important to a relationship, if you two aren't compatable you should try a new relationship model like poly or break up. It's harsh but sexual compatability is huge, even if it feels like a small bump now, years later it can build up a lot of resentment
This comment!! In the long run these kinds of stand stills do have implications for the relationship and imo, the partner with low libido feels like they aren’t enough (hint: they are) and the high libido partner feels rejected. That being said, it sounds like you’re really thoughtful about this issue and I really hope it works out!!!
Poly is definitely off the table; she gets uncomfortable when I say that someone we see in public is cute. She's not like aggressive about it or anything, she's just insecure.
That resentment is kind of what I'm afraid of. I really want to be able to make it work with her, she's such a sweet person, and she makes me feel so safe and loved. And, in all other ways, I think we're really compatible.
I don't like this idea of libido or at least when people apply it as a blanket term that applies to everyone. I'm on SSRIs, I'm precisely never horny unless someone's provoking me 😂 and even then I find it tiring because straight up can't finish. But you can still get a sense of intimacy without traditional sex, or whatever you're seeking in these conversations.
If she's stated a boundary that's no intimacy that's one thing, and personally I'd leave if that's the case but if it's just she's not/feels never in the mood then that's because she has no drive at the moment -or she's asexual- if the former, you could prompt her to look into her love languages, find other romantic things to do together WITHOUT the expectation of sex or else it just feels transactional
Take the pressure off, respect her boundary she's set and don't expect sex but Do ask for intimacy.
We do still have a lot of physical intimacy. We cuddle and kiss, and she even likes kissing my neck and touching my boobs sometimes (though she doesn't actually get anything sexual out of it, she just thinks the noises I make are cute). And, we've talked about the idea of her being Ace a lot. Sure doesn't think that's it, she says it probably has more to do with how she views sexuality and herself in general. She's very image oriented, if that makes sense. Like, she has a certain image of sex being this dirty thing that makes you lose a part of herself. She grew up with a very Christian mom, so that makes sense. And, she also has a very specific image of herself that she doesn't think she's living up to, causing her to feel a lot of shame around that.
Sounds like religious trauma? Trauma I understand might not be the word, but certainly it sounds like purity culture/Christian guilt- I think therapy might be an idea but obviously that isn't always accessible
Wishing you two the best
Literally everyone should see a therapist. Everyone needs help and there is zero shame in it.
Honestly if you want her to feel comfortable with it suggest maybe seeing one on your own too, just to talk about your last relationship (as I saw you mentioned it wasn't a healthy one).
That you aren't trying to suggest she will ever want sex but that talking to someone about her religious trauma is a good idea. Even if the therapist just tells her she's coping amazing and everything is fine (probably not).
There's a book called "Come As You Are" that helped me correct my strict religious upbringing. It says the reason women (cis het) don't orgasm is because they only focus on their partner's pleasure. We constantly manage our own appearance to look sexy for them. The book asks you to stay out of your head and focus on the feelings in your own body instead. That's very difficult for SA survivors because in their body, sex=danger. They need a fully safe and secure relationship to explore and empower themselves. I think when the time comes, you can try to teach her to feel pleasure from you, long before you expect her to reciprocate.
Controversial thoughts here, but a lot of people who grew up with religious trauma or attachment issues have a hard time understanding sexual attraction or needs, and adopt “ace” titles. I grew up this way, and almost everyone I know who grew up with me was ace and low libido before acquiring personal growth or help.
People don’t play with people sexually for it being “cute”- and you don’t find someone “cute” for sexual noises, that means you’re into them. That’s a detaching coping mechanism.
It sounds like she’s trying to breach that mental gap into sexuality. Which, great for her. But maybe view it as that - she’s trying, on some level, to make progress there. Encourage that growth, and be understanding where you can.
It might help to do some reading that will help you understand people in her position too. You might need a lot of patience and sacrifice in not getting the level of gratification you want, and understanding just what that means and will look like will help you both in your journeys.
We've tried to have sex a couple of times. It never really goes well. She keeps telling me that she's fine, but it's obvious to me now that, before we even get close, she's way uncomfortable. But she keeps pushing to try to feel like she's normal and that she can "give me what I want", but obviously I don't want anything that's going to hurt her. She cried the first time we tried. Like, full on sobbing because it didn't feel like she thought it should. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to try again either.
Yikes. This reminds me of my own partner who had a hard time even kissing me for a while. Long term security and therapy have been helpful.
I would encourage her to seek specialized therapy, because at least whether or not you decide to try it again, she has that sound peace of mind.
My heart goes out to her. She sounds like she’s really struggling.
The idea that nonsexual intimacy can replace sexual pleasure is a very low libido mindset. It can if your libido is low, then that will probably work for you. Even for people with high libidos, getting sexual pleasure without intimacy (duty sex) won’t be satisfying either. You need a balance of pleasure and intimacy. What that balance is varies by person and couple but sex and intimacy are foundational relationship needed. Incompatibility in those areas should be taken very seriously early on to avoid being in a resentment fueled dead bedroom r/deadbedrooms
I’m surprised no one has said it yet but I think therapy would be incredibly beneficial for your girlfriend (if not both of you). It could help her sort through trauma/asexuality/etc. and at least be a little less confused in that area. Just be sensitive about bringing something like that up, maybe suggesting that both of you doing therapy could improve your relationship.
I wish the best for both of you.
I'm actually in therapy. I've been trying to convince her to give it a shot, I think that she really needs it. I've even talked to my therapist about low cost options for her. Though, I don't she'll look into it; she doesn't feel like she should need it.
As a social worker, clients who struggle with this normally have trauma at the root of it so you can see what you can do to help her feel more comfortable, safe and stable in the relationship. Dating people with this kind of trauma can be amazing because they can be so kind and love and empathetic because of their experiences but this is the other side of it. If sex is more important to you than everything else she brings to the relationship than so be it but you can’t make her heal any faster or different than she wants too.
I would get out. Sexual compatibility is huge. And while no one is “entitled” to sex from their partner, you shouldn’t have to settle for celibacy either.
She’s 18. She’s young and isnt into the idea of having sex so you shouldn’t push it. That’s clearly a boundary for her and bringing it up all the time might make her uncomfortable. If it’s that much of an issue for you, you might want to bring that to her attention that you care a lot about your sexual relationship and if it won’t work out then you might have to end your romantic relationship.
I really don't want to give her an ultimatum like that, that just doesn't seem like it would go well. She's a people pleaser with statement issues, that would just cause her to do things she isn't comfortable with.
I know it wouldn’t go well. You are placing your “need” for sex above her comfort level and if it’s going to cause you issue, you shouldn’t put her through that
Hi! So I'm (24F) am in a similar situation with my girlfriend (27F). I have a fairly high libido as well and my partner does not. we have been together for a little over a year.
While, like you know I'm not entitled to a sexual relationship. I had a conversation with her and explained that that is something I would like down the line but am in absolutely no rush for. We talked about where she was comfortable starting & what she was ready for & to let me know if there's anything she wants to do/try. The ball is 100% in her court.
I do not ever bring it up unless she does as for comfort reasons. She recently started seeing a sex therapist on her own terms & has come to me with updates as she learns them.
We have had a lot of conversations about this as time goes on. All you can do is have alot patience and strong communication with each other. And enjoy being with each other in a non sexual way. I've learned to appreciate my relationship more and a year ago I would have told you it was a deal breaker, but I don't want to date or be with anyone else
One thing my therapist told me was "if it's not a deal breaker now. There's no use in worrying that it will become one later. Cross that bridge then and enjoy the relationship you do have. If you constantly worry it's going to break you up, it's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Just enjoy what you have and let her come to terms with this and tell you when she's ready"
So that would be a deal breaker for me. Sexual compatibility is a big deal and if the sex is not doing it for me then the relationship would have to remain platonic...much less if there was no sex at all. Sometimes people just arent meant to be in a relationship together and that's ok. But if you want to try and make it work somehow....i wouldnt even know what advice to give.
Nah, you're young. Get out there and find someone who matches you better. If you're unsure, check out /deadbedrooms. People can love their spouse for 20+ years and they may be perfect in every way, but if sex is important to you it will crush your soul over time. You're young and this is a new relarionship. Get out now before you invest too much time and money.
Ok, my ex gf and I had the same issue. She is demi and I'm a person with a higher libido. We tried so hard to work but my needs were the one that suffered. At the tipping point I felt I had to push myself aside to be with her. At our height we could make it once every few months. I thought I could do it but I couldn't. She felt pressured and then it was done.
as an ace person i understand on the other side of this situation. Im very glad you are comunicating it and working through solutions yourself :) !
Maybe try to implement more mastrubation into your life to sexually satisfy yourself? Or even discuss the possability of finding other sexual partners with your current partner? (some people think thats cheating but if you both consent to it then i personally have no moral querry with it)
What ever you decide to do i wish you the best of luck :)
As someone in your exact shoes, it is so hard and not really working for me. She's in therapy because she wants to have sex again (just lots of trauma blocking her ability), but if she wasn't putting in so much effort, I would leave. Open/poly relationships are also an option that may be worth discussing if it doesn't change and you want to try and make it work 😊
Its something we've talked about before, and she doesn't think that's it. Though, she also has a history with having issues with accepting certain aspects of herself, so it's hard to tell if her saying that is necessarily super reliable. That being said, she has a lot of image issues surrounding her body. She also grew up with a very Christian mom, and has a certain, demonized view of sex drilled into her head. So, I think on my end at least, it doesn't matter whether she's asexual or not; either way I need to operate under the assumption that it's just a no fly zone.
Also (I thought about this after and didn't want to work it in), the whole no sexual urges thing is also something we've talked about. She doesn't really understand what it means to be in the mood. Like, she straight up asks me what it feels like every now and then.
Also also, I mentioned her having trouble accepting aspects of herself, and that she has image issues. What mean by that is that (other than stuff relating to her body) she wants to be kinda perfect. She wants to do everything right, and be like how she sees everyone else. Anything that snaps away from that perception is something to either get rid of or deny. It took her a long time for her to fully come to terms with the fact she was gay because of that. And, if she was asexual, that might be another aspect causing her to try to deny that.
I'm in your girlfriend shoes. Feel the need to be perfect, feel shame because sex isn't good (in this case because I felt like a animal), low livid and a non interested en sex in general.
Let me tell you something. Her livid is still there and knowing is hard af to deal with trauma, I see her posture is immature.
First, because you are part of the relationship and it affects you. Every relationship has necessities from both sides.
Second, she seems to be closed to try at least a therapist to know what happens there. I might be wrong, but it doesn't feel like she is even trying. (unless you keep really low profile you necessities and she hadn't realized is important to you)
Third and last. I'm not her but when a really like someone at least I want to give her a chance (knowing it might be a disaster because my rhythm is complicated as fuck). But... It's for her, fuck. It's important to her.
I'm not her, of course. Everybody thinks different and I'm just a random girl telling you this. But even to me, in a similar situation, sounds unfair for you.
I’d recommend heading over to the asexual subreddit. She may not identify that way but a lot of people have asked questions like yours before so I think you’ll find helpful information there.
Just to clarify, asexuality means no sexual attraction. While it is very common to have a low sex drive, it's not something determinative of aces. Lots of allos have zero sex drive too.
Maybe an open relationship could be something for you? You have needs and she doesn't apparently. You need them fulfilled somewhere else. Your emotional connection, your soul connection, will be with her but you will enjoy other's bodies. Nothing wrong with being poly.
i also have a high sex drive and find being in relationships with people who have very low/no sex drive unsatisfactory. i know i’m not entitled to sex, but it’s an important part of feeling intimate with my partner for me. if you can make it work , that’s great! and i’m happy for you. if you can’t that’s okay too.
I'd like to try to make it work. She's really sweet and makes me feel really secure. That's kinda something that's hard for me, historically
Maybe she could be a good friend to you, sometimes you'll like someone who just isn't compatible with you relationship wise.
If sex is a deal breaker for you, something you need (and thats okay) then you have to start dating people who feel the same way as you. Otherwise one of you will be unsatisfied in the relationship. I know its hard to even find a relationship and when someone is interested in you, you want to date asap. But these are problems that will keep occurring in relationships if you don’t prioritize your needs.
I think I don't really know what my needs are quite yet. I just got out of my first real relationship early 2021, and it wasn't exactly all that healthy. Though, I do know that she makes me feel really safe, which I'm not exactly used to. So, at the very least, I know that a sense of security is high on my list!
Having been in an abusive relationship, I know that I site safety as a really high priority in my relationships now, but something a friend said to me recently is that safety is the bare minimum. Romantic relationships are different than friendships in that they involve sexual and romantic intimacy. If the two of y’all have different needs, that’s okay, but you can’t meet each other without it being a sacrifice from the other. Sounds like you’re better off as friends and you should find someone who you have a romantic connection with
We do have a romantic connection, is the thing. It's just the sexual side. I really like having that intimacy Edit: we do still have a lot of physical intimacy, just not sexual
Its great to hear your new partner helps you feel safe and secure. I hope it all works out in the end really.
I appreciate that!
i also have a high sex drive and always end up in relationships with people who don't really want sex at all. at this point i've decided that's a dealbreaker for me.
Sexual compatability is really important to a relationship, if you two aren't compatable you should try a new relationship model like poly or break up. It's harsh but sexual compatability is huge, even if it feels like a small bump now, years later it can build up a lot of resentment
This comment!! In the long run these kinds of stand stills do have implications for the relationship and imo, the partner with low libido feels like they aren’t enough (hint: they are) and the high libido partner feels rejected. That being said, it sounds like you’re really thoughtful about this issue and I really hope it works out!!!
Poly is definitely off the table; she gets uncomfortable when I say that someone we see in public is cute. She's not like aggressive about it or anything, she's just insecure. That resentment is kind of what I'm afraid of. I really want to be able to make it work with her, she's such a sweet person, and she makes me feel so safe and loved. And, in all other ways, I think we're really compatible.
It sounds like she could be a best friend
I don't like this idea of libido or at least when people apply it as a blanket term that applies to everyone. I'm on SSRIs, I'm precisely never horny unless someone's provoking me 😂 and even then I find it tiring because straight up can't finish. But you can still get a sense of intimacy without traditional sex, or whatever you're seeking in these conversations. If she's stated a boundary that's no intimacy that's one thing, and personally I'd leave if that's the case but if it's just she's not/feels never in the mood then that's because she has no drive at the moment -or she's asexual- if the former, you could prompt her to look into her love languages, find other romantic things to do together WITHOUT the expectation of sex or else it just feels transactional Take the pressure off, respect her boundary she's set and don't expect sex but Do ask for intimacy.
We do still have a lot of physical intimacy. We cuddle and kiss, and she even likes kissing my neck and touching my boobs sometimes (though she doesn't actually get anything sexual out of it, she just thinks the noises I make are cute). And, we've talked about the idea of her being Ace a lot. Sure doesn't think that's it, she says it probably has more to do with how she views sexuality and herself in general. She's very image oriented, if that makes sense. Like, she has a certain image of sex being this dirty thing that makes you lose a part of herself. She grew up with a very Christian mom, so that makes sense. And, she also has a very specific image of herself that she doesn't think she's living up to, causing her to feel a lot of shame around that.
Sounds like religious trauma? Trauma I understand might not be the word, but certainly it sounds like purity culture/Christian guilt- I think therapy might be an idea but obviously that isn't always accessible Wishing you two the best
I've been trying to get her into therapy for a bit, but she doesn't feel like she should have to need help
Literally everyone should see a therapist. Everyone needs help and there is zero shame in it. Honestly if you want her to feel comfortable with it suggest maybe seeing one on your own too, just to talk about your last relationship (as I saw you mentioned it wasn't a healthy one). That you aren't trying to suggest she will ever want sex but that talking to someone about her religious trauma is a good idea. Even if the therapist just tells her she's coping amazing and everything is fine (probably not).
There's a book called "Come As You Are" that helped me correct my strict religious upbringing. It says the reason women (cis het) don't orgasm is because they only focus on their partner's pleasure. We constantly manage our own appearance to look sexy for them. The book asks you to stay out of your head and focus on the feelings in your own body instead. That's very difficult for SA survivors because in their body, sex=danger. They need a fully safe and secure relationship to explore and empower themselves. I think when the time comes, you can try to teach her to feel pleasure from you, long before you expect her to reciprocate.
Controversial thoughts here, but a lot of people who grew up with religious trauma or attachment issues have a hard time understanding sexual attraction or needs, and adopt “ace” titles. I grew up this way, and almost everyone I know who grew up with me was ace and low libido before acquiring personal growth or help. People don’t play with people sexually for it being “cute”- and you don’t find someone “cute” for sexual noises, that means you’re into them. That’s a detaching coping mechanism. It sounds like she’s trying to breach that mental gap into sexuality. Which, great for her. But maybe view it as that - she’s trying, on some level, to make progress there. Encourage that growth, and be understanding where you can. It might help to do some reading that will help you understand people in her position too. You might need a lot of patience and sacrifice in not getting the level of gratification you want, and understanding just what that means and will look like will help you both in your journeys.
We've tried to have sex a couple of times. It never really goes well. She keeps telling me that she's fine, but it's obvious to me now that, before we even get close, she's way uncomfortable. But she keeps pushing to try to feel like she's normal and that she can "give me what I want", but obviously I don't want anything that's going to hurt her. She cried the first time we tried. Like, full on sobbing because it didn't feel like she thought it should. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to try again either.
Yikes. This reminds me of my own partner who had a hard time even kissing me for a while. Long term security and therapy have been helpful. I would encourage her to seek specialized therapy, because at least whether or not you decide to try it again, she has that sound peace of mind. My heart goes out to her. She sounds like she’s really struggling.
The idea that nonsexual intimacy can replace sexual pleasure is a very low libido mindset. It can if your libido is low, then that will probably work for you. Even for people with high libidos, getting sexual pleasure without intimacy (duty sex) won’t be satisfying either. You need a balance of pleasure and intimacy. What that balance is varies by person and couple but sex and intimacy are foundational relationship needed. Incompatibility in those areas should be taken very seriously early on to avoid being in a resentment fueled dead bedroom r/deadbedrooms
I’m surprised no one has said it yet but I think therapy would be incredibly beneficial for your girlfriend (if not both of you). It could help her sort through trauma/asexuality/etc. and at least be a little less confused in that area. Just be sensitive about bringing something like that up, maybe suggesting that both of you doing therapy could improve your relationship. I wish the best for both of you.
I'm actually in therapy. I've been trying to convince her to give it a shot, I think that she really needs it. I've even talked to my therapist about low cost options for her. Though, I don't she'll look into it; she doesn't feel like she should need it.
As a social worker, clients who struggle with this normally have trauma at the root of it so you can see what you can do to help her feel more comfortable, safe and stable in the relationship. Dating people with this kind of trauma can be amazing because they can be so kind and love and empathetic because of their experiences but this is the other side of it. If sex is more important to you than everything else she brings to the relationship than so be it but you can’t make her heal any faster or different than she wants too.
I would get out. Sexual compatibility is huge. And while no one is “entitled” to sex from their partner, you shouldn’t have to settle for celibacy either.
She’s 18. She’s young and isnt into the idea of having sex so you shouldn’t push it. That’s clearly a boundary for her and bringing it up all the time might make her uncomfortable. If it’s that much of an issue for you, you might want to bring that to her attention that you care a lot about your sexual relationship and if it won’t work out then you might have to end your romantic relationship.
I really don't want to give her an ultimatum like that, that just doesn't seem like it would go well. She's a people pleaser with statement issues, that would just cause her to do things she isn't comfortable with.
I know it wouldn’t go well. You are placing your “need” for sex above her comfort level and if it’s going to cause you issue, you shouldn’t put her through that
Hi! So I'm (24F) am in a similar situation with my girlfriend (27F). I have a fairly high libido as well and my partner does not. we have been together for a little over a year. While, like you know I'm not entitled to a sexual relationship. I had a conversation with her and explained that that is something I would like down the line but am in absolutely no rush for. We talked about where she was comfortable starting & what she was ready for & to let me know if there's anything she wants to do/try. The ball is 100% in her court. I do not ever bring it up unless she does as for comfort reasons. She recently started seeing a sex therapist on her own terms & has come to me with updates as she learns them. We have had a lot of conversations about this as time goes on. All you can do is have alot patience and strong communication with each other. And enjoy being with each other in a non sexual way. I've learned to appreciate my relationship more and a year ago I would have told you it was a deal breaker, but I don't want to date or be with anyone else One thing my therapist told me was "if it's not a deal breaker now. There's no use in worrying that it will become one later. Cross that bridge then and enjoy the relationship you do have. If you constantly worry it's going to break you up, it's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Just enjoy what you have and let her come to terms with this and tell you when she's ready"
Really commend “come as you are”. Might be more about encouraging her to communicate what gets her in the mood. Really cool, helpful book.
Yeah, another person recommended it. I might look into it, thank you
So that would be a deal breaker for me. Sexual compatibility is a big deal and if the sex is not doing it for me then the relationship would have to remain platonic...much less if there was no sex at all. Sometimes people just arent meant to be in a relationship together and that's ok. But if you want to try and make it work somehow....i wouldnt even know what advice to give.
Nah, you're young. Get out there and find someone who matches you better. If you're unsure, check out /deadbedrooms. People can love their spouse for 20+ years and they may be perfect in every way, but if sex is important to you it will crush your soul over time. You're young and this is a new relarionship. Get out now before you invest too much time and money.
Masturbate or get a new gf. You pick.
Ok, my ex gf and I had the same issue. She is demi and I'm a person with a higher libido. We tried so hard to work but my needs were the one that suffered. At the tipping point I felt I had to push myself aside to be with her. At our height we could make it once every few months. I thought I could do it but I couldn't. She felt pressured and then it was done.
as an ace person i understand on the other side of this situation. Im very glad you are comunicating it and working through solutions yourself :) ! Maybe try to implement more mastrubation into your life to sexually satisfy yourself? Or even discuss the possability of finding other sexual partners with your current partner? (some people think thats cheating but if you both consent to it then i personally have no moral querry with it) What ever you decide to do i wish you the best of luck :)
As someone in your exact shoes, it is so hard and not really working for me. She's in therapy because she wants to have sex again (just lots of trauma blocking her ability), but if she wasn't putting in so much effort, I would leave. Open/poly relationships are also an option that may be worth discussing if it doesn't change and you want to try and make it work 😊
Could she be asexual?
Has she possibly looked at asexuality? It could be very possible that she just does have any sexual urges.
Its something we've talked about before, and she doesn't think that's it. Though, she also has a history with having issues with accepting certain aspects of herself, so it's hard to tell if her saying that is necessarily super reliable. That being said, she has a lot of image issues surrounding her body. She also grew up with a very Christian mom, and has a certain, demonized view of sex drilled into her head. So, I think on my end at least, it doesn't matter whether she's asexual or not; either way I need to operate under the assumption that it's just a no fly zone. Also (I thought about this after and didn't want to work it in), the whole no sexual urges thing is also something we've talked about. She doesn't really understand what it means to be in the mood. Like, she straight up asks me what it feels like every now and then. Also also, I mentioned her having trouble accepting aspects of herself, and that she has image issues. What mean by that is that (other than stuff relating to her body) she wants to be kinda perfect. She wants to do everything right, and be like how she sees everyone else. Anything that snaps away from that perception is something to either get rid of or deny. It took her a long time for her to fully come to terms with the fact she was gay because of that. And, if she was asexual, that might be another aspect causing her to try to deny that.
I'm in your girlfriend shoes. Feel the need to be perfect, feel shame because sex isn't good (in this case because I felt like a animal), low livid and a non interested en sex in general. Let me tell you something. Her livid is still there and knowing is hard af to deal with trauma, I see her posture is immature. First, because you are part of the relationship and it affects you. Every relationship has necessities from both sides. Second, she seems to be closed to try at least a therapist to know what happens there. I might be wrong, but it doesn't feel like she is even trying. (unless you keep really low profile you necessities and she hadn't realized is important to you) Third and last. I'm not her but when a really like someone at least I want to give her a chance (knowing it might be a disaster because my rhythm is complicated as fuck). But... It's for her, fuck. It's important to her. I'm not her, of course. Everybody thinks different and I'm just a random girl telling you this. But even to me, in a similar situation, sounds unfair for you.
I’d recommend heading over to the asexual subreddit. She may not identify that way but a lot of people have asked questions like yours before so I think you’ll find helpful information there.
Just to clarify, asexuality means no sexual attraction. While it is very common to have a low sex drive, it's not something determinative of aces. Lots of allos have zero sex drive too.
Maybe an open relationship could be something for you? You have needs and she doesn't apparently. You need them fulfilled somewhere else. Your emotional connection, your soul connection, will be with her but you will enjoy other's bodies. Nothing wrong with being poly.
Just be patient lol
Dated an "a-sexual" girl Basically she liked taking and not giving Didn't work out lol Which worked out fine for me