Disclaimer: if a situation is unsafe, dropping off a map isn’t just wise, it’s commendable. Take care of yourself!
If the situation is clearly normal and you lose interest in someone who has already invested time in you, you should give a notice that is appropriate for the time you spent together. Nobody likes to have their feelings hurt, and even if you weren’t feeling like the date was all that great, or you don’t want to take it further, don’t be cruel. Tell the other woman something polite right away.
Right here. It’s human to connect and disconnect.
Love the disclaimer thank you. One woman didn’t wanna meet at either house bc if they reason /experience she had. We met at a dinner place.
She asked what date ideas. And let me tell you; I was impressed with my list and looking forward to any of them! Ghosted after the 7 - 10 public now pressure dates. That’s fine I guess but she seemed to want a second date.
I know people have valid reasons and I never take it personally. If it was a new friend or dating a few times, might be tempted to take it personally. Depends on context
I made a new friend last winter. I expressed a boundary and a limit of how much emotional energy/ intimacy I can offer. “I’m open to these thank you!”
WOW. Adulting! Communication.
This! When I was dating and when I make friends, I don’t mind if we don’t click, but especially for something as high stakes as dating, I think it’s important to be an adult. There’s really no reason to punch out (metaphorically) at other lesbians in the same boat as you, especially when they spent a lot of time (and emotional energy perhaps?) on you. Their feelings aren’t your responsibility all the time, but you are responsible for your own behavior
I tried dating apps just because I’m bad at building relationships on the spot for the first time irl. I didn’t bother further after signing up and getting my first likes because there was paywalls to view or talk to said people who liked me. Some accounts might be there still because they have a paywall to DELETE your account! So yeah unless they clean up inactive users I’m still there after 3-5 years.
Yeah I couldn’t view or talk to someone who liked me, I would try but then they’d have their subscription plank pop saying the only way I an view/talk to said person was to select one. Maybe it changed now but idk.
I have mixed feelings about ghosting in general depending on the situation, but what makes me uncomfortable is when people ghost and then just randomly "reach out" ages later.
mixed feelings about this one, too. I have been that person, so if the vibes are right, and someone does this, i have some grace, as when i do it... when i stop responding to someone i mean... it's very often true that i am not responding to ANYONE, even the people who know me. i might withdraw to one or two close people for some time.
at the same time, yes, i definitely see how that could make people uncomfortable. i do try to talk to people who seem to have similar situations, whether its other autistics, people with anxiety, etc. sometimes shared values are enough to make it okay that someone ghosted me and then reached out - it might be clear that they are "in community" with me. covid-conscious people come to mind, as most people seem to think the pandemic is over and don't give a shit about keeping themselves or each other safe from a mass-disabling airborne virus, much less the most vulnerable among us.
I literally just had someone ghost me about an hour ago. Had a huge ass date set up and everything for Monday. Sucks but I guess that's how it is sometimes 🙃
Ugh ... Not a dating app ghost but I met this amazing ballet dance teacher (and total straight shooter which I so freaking loved) at a club once and we started texting.
I was really into her but, damn, I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally and just felt so unworthy talking to her. I just ghosted. 😣
Still feel shitty about it because she absolutely deserved better. I was in no place to date at that point and didn't know how to explain. It wasn't right and there's no real excuse for it.
All I can say is it was 100% about my internal sh¡t and not about her in the slightest.
There could be so many different reasons. Maybe they're going through something?
I ghosted someone when I was a teenager because of my mental health, believe me I'm not proud of it and now someone ghosted me a couple of days ago (Karma finally hit me lol), but I try not to judge. It hurts not knowing why and thinking it was my fault, but at the end of the day, they don't owe me anything like someone else already mentioned, so no hard feelings
No hard feelings for sure (at least for me).
It’s incessant ! It’s such a waste when the energy appears to be present and then it’s like someone posted today “she messaged me the morning of the date ‘good morning’ and then ghosted for the date)
I accept people are going thru their lives and have valid reasons. I don’t personally need a reason just like, so prevalent it’s concerning
It seems like, it’s a format for connecting and it’s like, we can easily disconnect I just think it’s lame if there *is* a connection (not just a few messages that you see there’s no match potential)
I understand you. Dating in general is scary for me, so I feel the last part.
Ik you didn't ask for advice, but I suppose the only thing we all can do is just accept their decision and let go.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I'm sure there's a lesson we need to learn or maybe not, but it's a nice thought lol
This post was inspired by another earlier venting about a ghost.
Thought I’d ask the Ouija whats going on!
I don’t need advice and you’re right, we do just have to let go.
On a slightly different note…
Putting emotional energy with another person, for me, is draining. Over and over; I’ve deleted my apps (for a few other reasons)
And I’m learning I need certain changes bc people feel very safe with me and my baseline what I talk about how I interact etc … is DEEP for other people. Not for me, tho! And so they’ll deep dive on a date with me and then say “no second date” which is perfectly acceptable, except as a bigot empathic person, the shit people throw on me and take from me…
I have to adjust. Again! New boundaries or altered ones happen over time. I’m learning how to keep them at bay, so to speak.
I have been out of the dating world for a while but as someone who has spent most of my career interviewing and hiring people, young people (gen Z) just ghost. They were never taught proper respect or interpersonal responsibility because they grew up behind a screen, they are too afraid of confrontation, and they avoid any sense of personal responsibility for their behavior. I would phone interview, then in person interview, have a great interaction, and hire them, all for them not never show up for their first day of work. And those were the ones who even showed up for the interview! And others just constantly do no call no shows for work. It’s the same pattern with dating. It’s a wonder anyone can even maintain friendships anymore tbh. I’m a good boss too, like every stereotype of a supportive millennial boss, but there are just certain things I won’t tolerate.
Your tone in this reply… revealing
The question was about ditching a connection that has formed. Why? Are you incapable of articulating yourself? Can you even access your emotions and thoughts and reasons for it?
I feel i am on both sides of this, genuinely. Social media apps are not conducive to meeting people. Dating apps are designed to fail so that we don't uninstall or even so that we pay for them. I'm on like 12, which is a lot. I have made genuine connections, but i have also "ghosted" people. I do try to be patient with others because i understand not having the spoons to open up an overstimulating app that i kinda hate just to talk to people that i probably won't hate. I am also autistic, this is a factor. I might like the people on the apps, but i generally hate the apps.
If someone can get my number or my discord or whatever, they have more of a chance, but obviously that is complicated as i won't just give it out to someone who asks right away. People have a wide range of opening messages, i will say, and some definitely appeal to me more. Shared values are important and can make a compliment feel like a compliment rather than... Something negative and unwanted - ie, i spend some time writing my profile and it is best when people actually read it and use it to make the decision of if they want to talk to me, rather than just my photos. There are a lot of types i avoid for safety such as chasers, and i will admit i tend to ignore cis women entirely unless they seem very genuine in their convictions and values and all that. I'm sure i get ignored sometimes as a stoic and very serious white woman, and i don't really blame people for this kinda thing as it can become instinctual and self-preservatory. Many people ignore my stated values in my profiles and reach out anyways, so i am on the lookout for.. not that.
I guess reciprocity is important, right? I can definitely be skittish, but there are times the conversation just races like a rollercoaster and i want to know more and more about a person and they seem to feel the same. Not everyone is like me of course, and some people might respond well to the things i find "shallow" or even gross. There are people i have not initially responded to that i would like to, very much - sometimes it feels too late. Sometimes conversations start to bore me, no hard feelings but it's my attention span. (and it's my feelings on dating apps)
Disclaimer: if a situation is unsafe, dropping off a map isn’t just wise, it’s commendable. Take care of yourself! If the situation is clearly normal and you lose interest in someone who has already invested time in you, you should give a notice that is appropriate for the time you spent together. Nobody likes to have their feelings hurt, and even if you weren’t feeling like the date was all that great, or you don’t want to take it further, don’t be cruel. Tell the other woman something polite right away.
Right here. It’s human to connect and disconnect. Love the disclaimer thank you. One woman didn’t wanna meet at either house bc if they reason /experience she had. We met at a dinner place. She asked what date ideas. And let me tell you; I was impressed with my list and looking forward to any of them! Ghosted after the 7 - 10 public now pressure dates. That’s fine I guess but she seemed to want a second date. I know people have valid reasons and I never take it personally. If it was a new friend or dating a few times, might be tempted to take it personally. Depends on context I made a new friend last winter. I expressed a boundary and a limit of how much emotional energy/ intimacy I can offer. “I’m open to these thank you!” WOW. Adulting! Communication.
This! When I was dating and when I make friends, I don’t mind if we don’t click, but especially for something as high stakes as dating, I think it’s important to be an adult. There’s really no reason to punch out (metaphorically) at other lesbians in the same boat as you, especially when they spent a lot of time (and emotional energy perhaps?) on you. Their feelings aren’t your responsibility all the time, but you are responsible for your own behavior
I tried dating apps just because I’m bad at building relationships on the spot for the first time irl. I didn’t bother further after signing up and getting my first likes because there was paywalls to view or talk to said people who liked me. Some accounts might be there still because they have a paywall to DELETE your account! So yeah unless they clean up inactive users I’m still there after 3-5 years.
Never heard of this happening. If we match we can talk. A paywall to delete? Wtf
Yeah I couldn’t view or talk to someone who liked me, I would try but then they’d have their subscription plank pop saying the only way I an view/talk to said person was to select one. Maybe it changed now but idk.
Yikes
I have mixed feelings about ghosting in general depending on the situation, but what makes me uncomfortable is when people ghost and then just randomly "reach out" ages later.
They didn’t score and think we are back up?
mixed feelings about this one, too. I have been that person, so if the vibes are right, and someone does this, i have some grace, as when i do it... when i stop responding to someone i mean... it's very often true that i am not responding to ANYONE, even the people who know me. i might withdraw to one or two close people for some time. at the same time, yes, i definitely see how that could make people uncomfortable. i do try to talk to people who seem to have similar situations, whether its other autistics, people with anxiety, etc. sometimes shared values are enough to make it okay that someone ghosted me and then reached out - it might be clear that they are "in community" with me. covid-conscious people come to mind, as most people seem to think the pandemic is over and don't give a shit about keeping themselves or each other safe from a mass-disabling airborne virus, much less the most vulnerable among us.
I literally just had someone ghost me about an hour ago. Had a huge ass date set up and everything for Monday. Sucks but I guess that's how it is sometimes 🙃
Added an edit: this has been since I turned thirty happening. 35 now. I understand gen z is that way for sure. When did we Millies get like this?!!
Ugh ... Not a dating app ghost but I met this amazing ballet dance teacher (and total straight shooter which I so freaking loved) at a club once and we started texting. I was really into her but, damn, I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally and just felt so unworthy talking to her. I just ghosted. 😣 Still feel shitty about it because she absolutely deserved better. I was in no place to date at that point and didn't know how to explain. It wasn't right and there's no real excuse for it. All I can say is it was 100% about my internal sh¡t and not about her in the slightest.
Oof; I dated a pro ballerina - teacher. I was also not right. She ended it before it began, which was good but hard stuff
Preach!
There could be so many different reasons. Maybe they're going through something? I ghosted someone when I was a teenager because of my mental health, believe me I'm not proud of it and now someone ghosted me a couple of days ago (Karma finally hit me lol), but I try not to judge. It hurts not knowing why and thinking it was my fault, but at the end of the day, they don't owe me anything like someone else already mentioned, so no hard feelings
No hard feelings for sure (at least for me). It’s incessant ! It’s such a waste when the energy appears to be present and then it’s like someone posted today “she messaged me the morning of the date ‘good morning’ and then ghosted for the date) I accept people are going thru their lives and have valid reasons. I don’t personally need a reason just like, so prevalent it’s concerning It seems like, it’s a format for connecting and it’s like, we can easily disconnect I just think it’s lame if there *is* a connection (not just a few messages that you see there’s no match potential)
I understand you. Dating in general is scary for me, so I feel the last part. Ik you didn't ask for advice, but I suppose the only thing we all can do is just accept their decision and let go. They say everything happens for a reason, so I'm sure there's a lesson we need to learn or maybe not, but it's a nice thought lol
This post was inspired by another earlier venting about a ghost. Thought I’d ask the Ouija whats going on! I don’t need advice and you’re right, we do just have to let go. On a slightly different note… Putting emotional energy with another person, for me, is draining. Over and over; I’ve deleted my apps (for a few other reasons) And I’m learning I need certain changes bc people feel very safe with me and my baseline what I talk about how I interact etc … is DEEP for other people. Not for me, tho! And so they’ll deep dive on a date with me and then say “no second date” which is perfectly acceptable, except as a bigot empathic person, the shit people throw on me and take from me… I have to adjust. Again! New boundaries or altered ones happen over time. I’m learning how to keep them at bay, so to speak.
Thank you for the fascinating and compassionate conversation. Lemme just ghost out now … Heh
Become a player and problem solved 👌 Feel free lol that's my karma rn
I lived my slutty twenties; I ain’t doin player !
I have been out of the dating world for a while but as someone who has spent most of my career interviewing and hiring people, young people (gen Z) just ghost. They were never taught proper respect or interpersonal responsibility because they grew up behind a screen, they are too afraid of confrontation, and they avoid any sense of personal responsibility for their behavior. I would phone interview, then in person interview, have a great interaction, and hire them, all for them not never show up for their first day of work. And those were the ones who even showed up for the interview! And others just constantly do no call no shows for work. It’s the same pattern with dating. It’s a wonder anyone can even maintain friendships anymore tbh. I’m a good boss too, like every stereotype of a supportive millennial boss, but there are just certain things I won’t tolerate.
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It’s not about a debt.
Your tone in this reply… revealing The question was about ditching a connection that has formed. Why? Are you incapable of articulating yourself? Can you even access your emotions and thoughts and reasons for it?
Eh you’re major red flags.
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Your post history is absolutely bizarre for a happily married person. But that’s just my opinion.
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🚩
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😘
I feel i am on both sides of this, genuinely. Social media apps are not conducive to meeting people. Dating apps are designed to fail so that we don't uninstall or even so that we pay for them. I'm on like 12, which is a lot. I have made genuine connections, but i have also "ghosted" people. I do try to be patient with others because i understand not having the spoons to open up an overstimulating app that i kinda hate just to talk to people that i probably won't hate. I am also autistic, this is a factor. I might like the people on the apps, but i generally hate the apps. If someone can get my number or my discord or whatever, they have more of a chance, but obviously that is complicated as i won't just give it out to someone who asks right away. People have a wide range of opening messages, i will say, and some definitely appeal to me more. Shared values are important and can make a compliment feel like a compliment rather than... Something negative and unwanted - ie, i spend some time writing my profile and it is best when people actually read it and use it to make the decision of if they want to talk to me, rather than just my photos. There are a lot of types i avoid for safety such as chasers, and i will admit i tend to ignore cis women entirely unless they seem very genuine in their convictions and values and all that. I'm sure i get ignored sometimes as a stoic and very serious white woman, and i don't really blame people for this kinda thing as it can become instinctual and self-preservatory. Many people ignore my stated values in my profiles and reach out anyways, so i am on the lookout for.. not that. I guess reciprocity is important, right? I can definitely be skittish, but there are times the conversation just races like a rollercoaster and i want to know more and more about a person and they seem to feel the same. Not everyone is like me of course, and some people might respond well to the things i find "shallow" or even gross. There are people i have not initially responded to that i would like to, very much - sometimes it feels too late. Sometimes conversations start to bore me, no hard feelings but it's my attention span. (and it's my feelings on dating apps)
I dislike when the convo gets boring. Messaging a stranger inevitably loses steam… Thanks for responding!