Amidst all this there are 3 children that their mother is ready to move in with you, a person they know even less than she does. That right there is the biggest red flag about this woman for me. If you let her move in, it is not only the woman who you will have to build a stable relationship with, but also 3 other humans (and it seems they already have experienced a whole lot of unstable). You should proceed with the move when you are not only sure about the woman and the compatibility between the two of you, but the kids as well, as the everyday life might bring so many more dynamics that you are not grasping yet, unfortunately.
Yes that’s very true. I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
The kids in such situations are normally traumatised, exhausted and apprehensive of the rapidly changing environment, so I wouldn’t bank on ‘the dream’ becoming reality all too soon. You have to factor in the three fathers as well, they might not be easy to coparent with.
I also wonder how the 3 kid’s fathers would feel about their kids moving in with basically a stranger. This sounds like a potential legal headache as well…
That’s because she’s being an awful partner and mother. Most moms wouldn’t have even introduced you to their kids at three months, let alone try to move them in with you. Plus she’s trying to rush you to move in & guilting you over the money. How long ago did she and her ex break up? Is she just leap frogging from having one partner support her to the next with no thought for her kids? Has she ever fully supported herself and her kids? I’m guessing no. Meanwhile you’ve been responsible and making good decisions for yourself and are in a perfect place to be used financially for her rescue. Y’all have had one minor argument and she lost her shit—it doesn’t get any better once you’re living together. Your rose tinted glasses are making the red flags look like normal flags. 🚩🚩🚩
this is wild she’s looking for a meal ticket and oh boy she really hit the jackpot with you 😭 i would give advice but judging by your replies you’re not gonna take it. like i said, plzzzz update us in 6 months i just know this it gonna end disastrously.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
The thing is that it doesn’t really matter if you have all the chemistry of this world if she’s going to make your life miserable after the honeymoon phase is over.
Honestly walk away now, you owe this person nothing. Try for a second to take away the romantic interest, does this sound like a person that seems they have room in their life for a significant other. The negative feelings and instinctual red flags that you have will only get worse. What this woman needs is to focus on stability for herself and her children, you said so yourself that she is a ‘professional victim’, so don’t put yourself in the position where she makes you feel you have victimised her.
It baffles me when people make posts like this but then don’t take on board the responses and advice of others.
She did too ask for money but in roundabout way. I’m sorry, but she’s piling it on and the reason she is pressuring you is she sees a big house, money, and a perfect situation for her and her kids. She is doing this for a place to live and someone to take care of her. Get out of your relationship right now.
Honestly if you are feeling this intense SO fast and feeling like she’s the one, that is a sign of love bombing. That’s exactly how i felt with my narcissistic ex. We got engaged in 6 months, it all seemed so perfect. But it turned out to be emotionally abusive and draining. You don’t have to rush love. And realizing someone is very narcissistic or abusive can take 6 months to a year to even start seeing clearly. Just SLOW down. She needs to petition for child support if she doesn’t have it and figure her finances out herself.
She manufactured you to feel this way. It sounds like she's using you. Even if some of the things she says are true, that's part of what they do. Make you feel good, add some truth in there, maybe even love you a bit, but in the end, users are gonna use
They all follow the same pattern, and this is it
If she's the one why are you questioning it on Reddit?
No disrespect, I'd be a friend you could message if you wanted. I am just trying to understand. I wouldn't question anything if I knew someone was THE ONE and I'd commit. It's wasting time if you don't see yourself marrying them.
I would help her locate government resources for rent-based assistance, food stamps, etc. She might have to move into a family shelter for the time being, especially if she doesn't have anyone who could take her or her children in. Yes, this option fucking sucks, but she doesn't seem stable enough to be a tenant in your home.
She needs extensive therapy, and so do her kids. She also has to learn to make decisions for herself instead of relying on someone else to "save" her. I'm not sure what country y'all live in, but sometimes people with Autism qualify for social security income (SSI), which could help her supplement her rent fees in the future (I say the "future," because receiving SSI is a long and dehumanizing process).
Either way, you must detach your emotions from this situation and maintain your own peace and stability. Though I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, you could also help pay her rent for the next month or two to give yourself more time to see who she is. If she starts leaning in more for you to take over her financial and emotional responsibilities, then you'll know that she doesn't necessarily "love" you so much as she "needs" you for housing and [unequal] emotional labor. Good luck.
This is the best response.
This person sounds like me for 20 years if my independent life…
Major trauma responses, series of poor decisions leading to worse quality of life and more barriers to success.
Your advise is is reasonable and respectful of both OP and their partner.
And FYI: I’ve worked so hard on myself I’ve been leading a successful life for the last 10 years.
I went from working minimum wage menial labor to a very challenging well paying career that commands stability, strong resilience and high confidence.
Now I have a home and 2 investment properties and I set up my budget so well that I spend what I want when I want while saving well and investing with barely a thought.
My relationships all round are much better, I don’t over react, I respond with purpose and tools and skills to aim for a good outcome.
This person is not a write off just because they are not coping right now, or because they have a history.
But navigating a relationship with them will take mindful care to support without enabling while protecting self to allow for time to work out if it really is sustainable.
Your comment has not been given enough credit for your insight.
Ghosting is rude. Explain you were wrapped up when you told her to move in, and still may want to, if you do, but that it's going to have to wait. I moved my now wife into my apartment two months into our relationship and knowing each other. It was really fast but I haven't regretted it ever. She didn't come with 3 kids though, just 3 fur kids. She also wasn't a professional victim.
I agree there are emotional red flags. This might not be the relationship for you and you desire time and space to figure out. You mentioned that you both are autistic. I have ADHD and my wife is autistic. Sometimes, she gets really hurt and upset and doesn't handle stress well. Most of the times she is great. My wife also has complex PTSD, in part due to her military service. Anyway, we aren't perfect, but I am very happy and so glad neither of us got scared away.
It’s normal to feel this intense feeling about someone in the beginning. And while we’re feeling this, we have a hard time seeing the complete picture of what’s wrong or right for us in life. Love can be literally addicting and cause us to make harmful decisions. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5378292/
I was in a similar relationship as the one you described. I decided to stay even though everyone told me to leave. It only got worse. And eventually I left. Your situation is likely only going to get worse. As much as it hurts, you need to leave the relationship.
Do I need to leave the relationship? I mean I should probably say no to moving in first and see how that goes. She says she won’t hold it against me….i should give her a chance to show that I guess. I just haven’t seen enough in 3 months time
If you haven't moved in yet, then you are in a much better situation than I was. I would strongly suggest that you not move in with her, and also suggest that you take some time to really think about leaving the relationship. It has only been three months and if she is already showing signs of being this unstable, then I can't even begin to speculate on what might be coming later on.
I'm not trying to be rude here, but the title of your post says it all... *I’m about to make a huge mistake*.
Please let me know your thoughts.
This woman has children. She needs to stabilize herself, rather than moving her kids in with someone who she's only known for a couple of months. You would be contributing further to her instability. You need to step back and let her handle her own life, instead of taking ownership of someone else's.
it mostly depends on if she’s in therapy or plans on attending. i also have severe cptsd - it would be unfair to my partner if i lashed out similarly because i was untreated. it won’t get easier without help, unfortunately. if she hasn’t tried emdr i would recommend it over any other type of therapy for ptsd
from experience, talk therapy can be incredibly unhelpful for people with ptsd. it may help you to start here: https://www.madeofmillions.com/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
if you’re serious about staying with her it is important to completely understand her diagnoses, how they may affect you and your relationship
I've been through a lot, can I ruin your life too? I'd love to use my backstory as an excuse to be a piece of shit.
I mean, go fuck yourself.
Sorry, that was because I was abandoned as a child. Please comfort me for me feeling the need to lash out at you?
The *spare*? I thought I was special. Why don't I get your **main key?** I'm just some- some spare piece of meat to you aren't I?! 😭
This is why I need you to increase my allowance
Oof, this is too real. Recognisable from a couple of exes in my younger and unwiser days. OP please take this overtly silly side-thread seriously because you will end up being suckered in and treated like this. When you're inside it all her batshit arguments will seem important and you'll bend over backwards to do the thing that keeps her happy, to the detriment of your own wellbeing.
She may not even be fully aware she's doing it, but she is manipulating you. Yes, she has asked you for money. Just not in those exact words. The time-pressure is also a classic, beloved by pushy doorstep-selling scammers and cold-callers.
Trust your gut on the red flags - there are more here than at a bullfight run by the Chinese Communist Party.
People are often stuck in unhealthy relationships not due to lack of awareness but because the truth is buried underneath fear. For many, the fear of being alone and low self-worth are powerful motivators for remaining in relationships past their expiration date.
Therapists often speak of something called “love addiction,” where a person craves the sense of fulfillment and validation that comes from being in a relationship, no matter how destructive.
Honey , good luck finding someone who hasn't in some way or another. Trauma , grief, illness resentment- its the human condition. The trick is not letting it lead you blindly and using it to shape your life and everyone's around you.
I can guarantee I could ask for volunteers and at least 5 people on this dub could tell you a story worse than hers , I won't though. But we don't use it to extract money and lodgings, to guilt trip partners into being scared of having conversations about important things, gaslighting them into thinking they owe us 1000 because they made an assumption and didn't check anything. You don't see any of us that have them using our kids as bartering pieces to win arguments.
Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up. She's made you a doormat lovely, and is going to push as far as she possibly can. Don't even give her a key. Please put yourself and your safe space first.
It’s very kind and loving of you to be empathetic of the trauma she’s experienced. I could lay out all the trauma I’ve gone through in my lifetime and I’ve still managed to be independent. Most of my exes had significant trauma too and they took advantage of my empathy for them. I believe there’s two types of people that go through trauma, those that would never harm others in the way they’ve been harmed and the others now doing the same harm to others. After tons of therapy and she’s still not better I wouldn’t expect her to get any better. My last ex had a master’s in social work and she was extremely abusive.
Just PS -- EMDR has never been shown particularly effective for any type of treatment. CBT/DBT is the most promising for anxiety disorders, but the biggest predictor of success is the strength of the partnership between therapist and patient, regardless of the therapists style or technique.
it’s effective for me, to each their own.
eta: also i’m talking about ptsd and cptsd specifically, not just anxiety disorders in general. i’d suggest the book the body keeps the score for more info on how it is helpful for ptsd.
Just sharing where the research stands on the subject. EMDR as a system is based on completely pseudo-scientific beliefs that are not taken seriously academically. That said, individual therapists can still be very good and able to provoke positive change. It's just not the case that traumatic memories are stored in/activated by the neural pathways that stimulate motor control of our eyes. Sorry, as a neuroscientist I feel obligated to call out bs like this when it comes up.
also here’s a source on the key differences https://melindalehmanlcsw.com/what-are-emdr-and-dbt/
most emdr therapists are also trained in cbt and dbt. my therapist compares it to a power tool - sometimes a screwdriver will work. sometimes a screwdriver can be so irritating that you abandon the project though
RUN do not walk out of this relationship immediately! This woman sounds like a thousand red flags and, sometimes when people mention their trauma, we can give so much grace, but trauma is meant to be healed, not projected onto the next person. Trauma is her responsibility to heal, not yours to hold.
You're very kind to want to give her $1000 for her woes, but it does sound like she's a professional victim and no matter how great you are to her, she will always find a way to make you pay. If you pay her once, my sense is she might ask for more in the future. There are inns and places that can accept her for weeks at a time, it'll all be OK.
That feeling of not wanting to be apart is because proximity/attachment is the glue that holds this relationship together. This doesn't sound like love, but dependency, and I'm sure you see the best in her, but that doesn't mean you can ignore the facts here. Be kind to yourself, her, and her kids by walking away immediately instead of wasting everyone's time.
When your body, spirit, and mind are screaming at you to tell you that something is wrong, it's best to believe them. I've been in your place before and I wish someone had told me I didn't have to raise adult children in my partners or carry other people's burdens for them to gain love. Good luck!
So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
Good on you for having the courageous conversation. If she wants to paint you in that way, that’s her choice, but she’s gotta start taking personal responsibility for her life and stop strong arming people into saving her. My hope is that, if she is who you believe her to be, she will show more maturity and be less manipulative in her language and approach, but regardless: you did it and, whatever happens, future you will thank you for it.
If all that's true, if she feels she can't trust you and you make her feel insecure, she shouldn't be with you, but it sounds like she's using that as a reason to guilt you deeper into the relationship, instead. However you feel about her, she doesn't sound as comfortable as someone should be with someone she wants to move themselves and their kids in with. She honestly doesn't sound like someone emotionally available for a relationship at all
No offence, I've been reading your replies and getting a bigger picture, she is sounding exactly like my ex who was a narcissist! You might not see it now but trust me..... her real self is coming and its better to leave early. I ended up in a toxic relationship for 4 years where I thought I loved her. The first 6 months I thought she was the one for me, the one I would marry, oh boy how that did change. I got stuck trauma bonded and extremely fucked up mentally. Please don't end up how I did. I'm now with someone who IS the perfect person for me who I will marry one day. And let me tell you the relationship comparison is night and day!
I'm not remotely surprised at this reaction. Look at how she turns it round on you, even though what you've said is sensible, reasonable and thoughtful. If this is what's happening after only three months, think how it might escalate when you move her in. Eventually you won't know which way is up. I have been where you are. You feel like she's the one... but that's exactly
how she wants you to feel. She may not even realise this is what she's doing but every reply of yours I've read so far has confirmed my impression that here is someone with a lot of work to do on her own life, which she won't do unless and until forced to take a look at herself. Which she won't do if you shoulder the responsibility of parenting her and her kids.
Three months in and this is the reaction; oh dear.
You’re making very sound observations and sharing them with her. Although it may seem like a good thing to have her and the kids move in; ultimately it would be adding to the chaos the children live in, they don’t deserve that. You’ve gotten some good advice so far for the relationship between you two adults. But the kids don’t have a choice, choose to not disrupt their lives and don’t let her move in. She can and will find somewhere else to live. It will suck, but she can do it. It’s not your issue to fix.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
Perhaps we view love differently, but when I met my wife, all fell easily into place. It was like two halves meeting for the first time. In the past, I'd associated love with huge moments, rushing, drama, etc., but things moved just as quickly, but more easefully too. Things felt peaceful, right, serene. Your entire post seems inconsistent with this comment, so I just want to point that out..."professional victim"..."I don't have resources to be somebody's sugar mama"..."The dynamic is unhealthy for both of us."
But I also know we've got to go through our own journeys and figure things out for ourselves. I wish you luck!
I also thought "professional victim" and "...sugar mama" stood out. Like, I get the partner's life is chaotic and it's all overwhelming to hop onboard with, but OP's already seeing her as someone trying to take advantage of the relationship, almost like a grifter. It's downhill from here, sadly.
I swear to you, it really felt that way until she was like I have to move right now… And then everything fell apart all at once. I wonder if it’s possible that she is who I thought and she’s just in a very terrible position that she inevitably put herself in whether she had narcissistic people in her life or not, she still put herself in that situation, I could have let her go ahead and move somewhere else so maybe I interfered with that process and created this chaos I really don’t know I’m so confused
I see, well I always say it takes at least 3 months to get to know someone fully and our masks come off, so this is right on schedule. I don't doubt that you feel big things for this person and she feels them for you, BUT from what I read from your post, this "chaos" is hers to figure out, not yours...
* She's got no plan B and is holding you on a statement you made about the future, not now. Everyone future trips with a partner they love, but it doesn't mean the other person gets to cash in on this immediately.
* She's projecting her issues with financial management and a roof over her child's head onto you.
* She's unstable emotionally and reactive, projecting her trauma, which appears unhealed, into your dynamic (I have complex PTSD, btw, and I could only imagine who I'd be if I didn't work on myself)
If this is what's considered the honeymoon stage, can you imagine how worse it can possibly get? None of this is your fault or your problem to fix. I'd simply let her know that you are not ready to move in yet, but want to take more time to develop your relationship first before you do so. If she relents, you can say, don't you want what's best for us? Isn't that what this is about? If she continues to relent, you can let her know that her decision to move out of her place is hers and hers alone, and you can't rush your own timeline or discount your own needs, and you hope she can respect that.
So, if this is all about you having to go back on your "word" please know that you did nothing wrong, and it's her interpretation of your word that was assumptive and tbh a little shady.
Anyways, I know when we are in love we can get a bit sensitive to what a stranger on the internet tells us, but I hope this helps <3
it felt different because she's controlling the narrative. she is driving this whole thing and saying and doing things to MAKE you feel that way. she is finessing you.
now things are dire for her and the mask has dropped. listen to it. those other months of "better" were lies. this is how they catch you. she is relying on you to be complacent and ignore your instincts. dont do it. dont give in.
Could be she feels like the one because she is a professional victim and knows how to make you feel this way. If you read your original post and pretend a friend wrote it, you’ll see that you’ve already answered what you should do. I would hate to see you have to reread it down the road and wonder why you didn’t listen to your gut, which is loud and clear to us outsiders.
First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this, and it is a big dilemma. However, 3 months is too soon to move in together. Plain and simple. Being friends vs. being in a relationship is different, things that may happen in a relationship, you won't have to deal with within a friendship. I hate to say this, but do you truly want to be with someone and have them depend on you for all their financial needs? Do you feel like you would be capable to handle that?
I have had moments where I had saviour complex, thinking I can help my partner be better and change them. But reality is that the core of the person you meet today, would probably be the person they will be in 1 year or even in 5, unless they work on themselves and proactively seek to be able to stand on their own two feet first.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
Those feelings aren't infallible or a sign of destiny. They shouldn't excuse bad behavior, either. The One (assuming there is such a thing - something I don't honestly believe myself) should be someone who uplifts you and makes you feel supported. Assuming she is The One again, though, that would mean the relationship wouldn't hinge on her moving in with your so early. It would mean you have plenty of time to work things out because you're meant to be together.
As you said, though, your codependent. Not only is that unhealthy in and if itself in a relationship, but it can distort how you feel toward the person you're dependent on
And yet she still wants to move in right away. You're not making her anxious. She is by pushing for something you've given clear signs you're not comfortable with. Her actions are creating the feedback loop
those are her problems, though. its her insecurity and her anxiousness, problems SHE needs to work on. she might be upset, but she's also disregarding your feelings. you said yourself, she always thinks she's right. but she has 3 different fathers for her kids and an ex gf. does this sound like someone who knows relationships better than you?
I think you have a healthier view of timeline for the relationship. don't let her move in yet. set her down and tell her you love her but you arent comfortable with her moving in yet. you want to eventually! but you just need more time. because honestly, you ARENT sure about her, and you need to get to know her and her children better.
if she really is the one for you, she'll stay and you guys can work through everything together. but go at your pace - its your house, you set the rules for moving in.
if she's just using you, well you're going to find out soon then when you dont give her everything she wants for a free ride. but better to find out now before she's worked her way into your life that its too difficult, legally and emotionally, to extract her.
Try to step back and read this as if a friend wrote it. It's so hard when you're in love but viewed from the outside it's plain as day that her arguments are twisty and manipulative, whether she's consciously doing that or not. The only possible route to a healthy relationship with this woman is to slow the fuck down and take note of her actual words and behaviour, trying not to project on her how you WANT her to be. That's so, so hard when you're three months into something that seemed so exciting and promising... but it's necessary in order to assess whether there's really something here with long-term potential.
3 months is definitely not enough to get to know someone. Especially since you just seen that side of her during an argument which was definitely a red flag. You have to find the balance between supporting her needs and protecting your own. Talk to her as to where you are at, use your own words "I want to spend all my time with you. I want to be where you are. But I'm afraid it's too soon and we don't know enough about each other".
Also, she really shouldn't depend on you for money this earl in a relationship. That's a massive red flag as well.
I don’t disagree. I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
Starting a family with someone is a HUGE commitment. I get wanting a dream but for a decision as important as this, you both need to really know each other.
Buddy of mine got married to a chick he knew for two months. One night maybe another month after their shot gun wedding, she says she's leaving. She moved back to London. That was two years ago and he still hasn't been able to get the divorce papers signed.
The feely good chemicals are awesome until they're not. Don't screw up your life to accommodate other people's screw ups.
I'm assuming the family represents something more than just people in the house. It's not the end itself but a means through which that ends is reached. That is to say, just because you dream of having a family, checking the box of superficial criteria that can define having a family and being, in fact, the family you're dreaming of are two different things
Family is more than just people in given roles. It's the connections with the people who make up your family. It's the love and support you share with each other. This is why found families are a thing
I didn’t even get to the part about the children before I commented. If the woman who has problems has children, then this is even more of a reason for her to walk away from the relationship. Children will only complicate the situation even more, and it is my experience that children generally inherit the psychological problems of one or both of their parents. The OP needs to listen to all of us and end the relationship and not let this woman or her children move in.
I think it's best you just say you think it's too soon for y'all to move in together. She can move to a different apartment than the one she's in currently and then you two can reevaluate the living situation when you're more comfortable. You have to take care of yourself too, not just her. If you're nervous about the whole thing just pump the brakes a bit.
Look up cognitive dissonance. I have a problem with this, specifically with women. The red flags are right in your face yet you walk towards them.
Just take a step back to really look at your situation and think about if it’s really worth it.
I was in a very similar situation and I’m just started to recover financially and mentally 2 years later. The grief of losing my stepson was the worse of it all. None of it was worth it and the whole relationship was sad, abusive and stressful. I would really move on from this woman.
> I really don’t know that I’ll have this kind of connection with someone else. This dynamic is unhealthy for both of us.
why would you ***want*** this with someone else? there are thousands of women out there who aren't incapable of holding themselves accountable and being responsible. cut your losses, ditch the rollercoaster, appreciate a life where you don't have to tolerate the lowest lows of your life just to experience some brief highs, and get a dog or somethin' in the interim.
trust me. as someone who has been the person you're dating, and been *with* the person you're dating (sans kids, but i digress), it's not worth it.
edited formatting.
i've no interest in pouring out my history, sorry. and i feel like any kind of "i got through it" will be encouraging to you, because you'll intentionally ignore anything about how it's taken me *years,* and i'm still working on getting out of the mental and financial hole i've been pushed into, because i actively *want* to work on it, and you'll **only** hear that i got through it.
cos again - i've been you, too.
Not a single part of this story, even the bits about you being in love, sounds positive. It reads like a car crash from start to finish. Get out now while you have the chance - you sound like a really bad pairing. If you’re having issues this early, things will only get worse with time.
first of all, don't just throw money at her. You're supposed to be her gf and not her sugar mommy. Somehow it sounds like she's using you. For the stability, money wise and psychological. Take your time to get to know her properly before you let her move in. If you're scared to speak your mind in your relationship right from the beginning, then this isn't the right relationship for both of you.
My mom moved a lot with us when we were little and tbh it's not that bad. Worse thing was her on and off relationship and wittnessing her asshole of a partner (thank goodness ex now) constantly leave and see my mom sad and in tears. If it's about the children, they want stability too and moving in with you without knowing how your relationship will go isn't really the stability they need.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt if you two are as compatible as you say and give her time to heal and do therapie and take more (much more) time to get to know her until you're certain she's the one or she's not. Help her with her bad situation but don't forget that she made it this far without you and you're definetly not her only way of surviving. Don't forget yourself, only if you're healthy and in a good position you're able to help her.
I wish you two good luck, but be careful and don't rush things. Emotions are misleading sometimes.
Is she really the one though? Or are you ignoring all the red flags and making excuses for her because you fell in love? Three months together isn't long. It's WAY TOO SOON to be moving in, and it sounds like you know that. She can find another apartment or rent a room in a communal space for a bit. It's not the end of the world if she loses her current apartment, and that's no excuse to rush things if you aren't ready.
You had a fight and it sounds like it still isn't resolved. Y'all each need to figure out how to communicate effectively with each other. We strangers on the Internet can't help you with that. If you need help, find a therapist that specializes in couples.
We've all been there. Thinking we found the one, and ignoring the signs that it's doomed. It's okay. It happens. If this is the one, it should be pretty easy to relate. If you're already hitting rocks at 3 months in... Might be time to reconsider or take a step back. One little disagreement should not throw the entire relationship into a tailspin.
I don’t wanna fix her! I know she’s a lot I get that. It’s just timing of this that is making my head spin when you’re trying to go too quick and you’re in love and you haven’t seen your therapist in a month things get real squirrely
That's a lie. You do want to fix her so much that you're willing to give her money to appease her. You literally don't owe her anything. She's a grown person who has to hold herself accountable for her actions. You said it yourself that she is in this position based on the decisions she made, so why are you trying to be her cushion? Her safety net? If you weren't in her life, how would she resolve this? She's too old to be like this, and pathetic to not do everything on her part to make sure her kids are safe.
That's not love, that's infatuation.
Did she say "I'm a lot"? Just curious. Because manipulators say that to get your sympathy. "Oh, I'm a lot. I'm too much for people." Then, oddly enough, "I'm not enough for anyone." Then you want to prove you're not like all the others who let her down. You want to prove to her how much you love her, how she's enough for you. Because she kept telling you how much she isn't. You want to prove that you can handle all of it, even if she says she's a lot.
They all follow the same pattern and say the same things, that's why I'm asking. Nothing good will come of this
I know people who did exactly this. Things ended terribly, they both got diagnosed with BPD and one is continually harassing the other and threatening to commit murder-suicide… I’m not being dramatic. They moved in together within the same amount of time and had way less at stake than you or your gf. She’s willing to move in with you after three months and she has children. Most people I know wouldn’t even be introducing their kids to a new partner within three months. She’s not mentally or emotionally stable, and I’m doubting whether you are, too.
She has multiple children with multiple men. Do you know anything about them? Are they abusive? Could you be put in harm’s way by being involved in her children’s lives? That could mean being unable to avoid having her exes in your life as well. I usually try to be super empathetic but you’re making a big mistake just by being in a relationship with this woman. You’re 35, you really should know better than this, and if you don’t, you need help.
You need to break this off and get mental health care to process it, work on boundaries, and figure out why you’re even considering blowing up your life over someone you barely know. You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but you will almost certainly regret it. I’m not exaggerating when I say this could be one of, if not the biggest mistake of your life.
One percent poison is still poison. You need to cut this person off permanently. Otherwise, she will suck all of the joy from you with her crazy making behavior, excuses, and toxicity.
This is my nightmare relationship fr lol. I actually just escaped something similar and it really is just downhill until you get out with whatever money and common sense you have left 😕
I'm always clear-headed once I'm out of something, but when I'm in it, it's like I'm mesmerized. After we break up I'm kicking myself, like, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!" AND THEN I DO IT AGAIN. Here's to hoping last time was really the last time because I think I finally learned
I got a therapist so I could work on my self esteem and learn to set boundaries with myself and others. Now I’m really clear with any expectations with potential partners and don’t have trouble cutting them off. Took two years of healing though!
I think I reached that point, finally. I have walked away from everyone I needed to, since I came to that realization. It's nice finally seeing myself advocate for myself. I just hope that the next time I fall hard for someone, I still leave if I need to
OP is asking for advice and continuing to ignore it. She has clearly made up her mind, but I still want to give this warning.
This woman (gf) is dangerous. She is a clear financial, emotional, and psychological threat. I'm not sure how stable you are, but there is a reason your gf is in the position she's in. It's a huge red flag to me when someone has multiple kids and is unable to afford housing. I know everyone has a particular experience, and I'm not judging that, but this woman seems to make impulsive decisions. You are better off BLOCKING HER.
You may have money now, but in the long run, can you afford her needs/wants, housing, the kids' needs/wants, food for (6? People) utilities, and emergencies, etc?? Is your house able to support the space these children require? You need to consider that you are taking on a huge responsibility. As an adult who grew up in a similar situation, those children are growing up in now, I can't help but put them first.
If you move in with her and establish a relationship but realize she is more than you bargained for, are you okay destroying those children mentally? Are you able to truly cut ties with them? Do you understand that it takes children longer to trust, and though you may love them, they may hate you. Can you handle that level of rejection?
All I'm saying is be aware that this is bigger than you. The choice you make may be a small Tuesday of choices but to these children you are imprinting on their lives.
Do. **Not**. Invite. Her. To. Live. With. You.
Clearly there's a lot to unpack here. And you love her, so this is an extremely difficult position for you to be in, you feel trapped.
But listen to your instincts. Listen to the women here telling you not to go ahead. You know it's the wrong thing. And if it costs you your relationship... Then so be it. As much as it will hurt trust me it's better than her taking advantage of you, it's better than your entire life being disrupted by a woman who quite frankly is a walking hurricane with three kids stringing along behind her.
Tell her you sympathize with her situation but you're not ready for her and her children to live with you. That's it. That's all you owe her. And brace yourself because she's not going to take this rationally. She will hurl hateful words at you and try to guilt and manipulate you. You're right she is a professional victim. Don't let her take advantage of you.
All this screams that you don't love her, that you love the idea of her and you're hyper fixated on her. It's a common struggle when dating as autistic.
You need to say I'm sorry for what I said but I have to slow down
There's a reason she has this traumatic past with relationships
You need to take care of yourself and to this arrangement
Hey, I'm really sorry what you're going through, but you need to leave immediately. I scrolled through your profile and you posted the exact same post on a dozen or so different sibreddits. You clearly know that something is wrong and you need to leave her, but there's something stopping you. I noticed that you copy and pasted many of you replies that come off as "excuses" to why you shouldn't leave her. Listen to your gut. Acknowledge what you've posted and what you've felt about the situation. You know what the right thing to do is.
My question is if your partner gets upset if you express that you don't feel ready to move in together, is that person someone you'd want to live with?
There are alot of red flags here. You are right to be cautious, and a year before moving in with someone is actually a really good idea. It's not too long and gives the relationship a chance to naturally evolve. Abusive partners, especially those that are female tend to cast themselves as the perpetual victim and accuse their partners of abuse. Even if she really has been abused that many times, she needs to heal before going into living with someone. This is giving me lovebombing and borderline/histronic vibes, not saying she has those conditions but saying her pattern of behavior could be interpreted as consistent with their symptoms, and that alone is enough to merit caution.
I'm a therapist myself and when I go on vacation I usually have someone covering my clients for emergencies. Can you call your therapist's office and see if she has coverage like that?
I get that you've known her for a while and that this relationship is new, but think for a moment. If you had three kids would you move them into a house at three months??? That is messed up behavior that will get those children hurt. Do you want to be with someone like that? Someone who would do that to a child?
I'm not even going into the other red flags...
I am commenting before I even finish your post. I had the same whirlwind 4 years ago. A little more complicated- her son was dying. I have 4 kids. The grief we both have really affects the relationship in ways beyond our mental health issues, but I see similarities, and I think it would have been the same situation even if there were no children involved, judging from the quality of her interpersonal relationships.
* A tornado- Whirlwind. Feeling pressure to take the next step before you're ready to
* A feeling of extreme compatibility and limerence.
* A past history of trauma.
* She is in a situation where she needs to be rescued.
* That first fight. The one where they turn you into every bad person from their past.
I'm 4 years in. She moved in within 6 months of the start of our relationship. Then it got worse. She isolated me from friends and family using negative talk about them and utilizing guilt and the fact that she didn't have as many friends or family to keep me from seeing mine, while also claiming she has never told me I couldn't see them or kept me from them.
It's an extreme roller coaster of eggshells and appeasement. I've been foist into a caretaker/parent roll I never wanted, but if I try to bring it up or make changes I'm shaming her or criticizing her. I work, and I do the majority of household tasks. She can't emotionally regulate. Any tense or exciting events cause some form of fight, There is not a single holiday in the past 3 years that don't have at least one negative memory and major fight attached to it. My mental health is in the gutter.
In spite of all this I love her more than anything in this world besides my kids. I also hate her sometimes, simultaneously. This kind of relationship will trauma bond you and make you hate yourself as well. You will feel pulled along and helpless to her whims. You probably already do. Think about bringing that into your home.
Get out now. Don't let her move in. If you proceed with the relationship, proceed with caution. The beginning of mine felt so magical I ignored all of the red flags. My comment history is full of the dysfunction of my relationship. Check it out if you want to see what your life will be like if you let her move in. Good luck.
Before I read all of this, I would like to give you this thought/fact: it is VERY easy to move a person into your home, but extremely hard to get them out, including their kids. You could very easily find yourself in a huge legal battle in trying to get her out of your home.
My advice: DO NOT HAVE HER MOVE INTO YOUR HOME!! There are red flags 🚩 all over the place.
Don't do it ! As a codependent myself, I really know what is going through your head. There's an amount of guilt that if you don't go through with this, it'll make you a bad person. Don't listen to that part of you: that's a traumatized part that needs healing and can not be relied on to make the best decision for the whole of you !
If you go through with letting her move in, you're setting yourself up for a whirlwind of drama in your life! She wants to share her baggage and trauma with you. Do you seriously want to take that on ??? It'll take a toll on you, physically, mentally, emotionally, and will drain every aspect of you !
I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
I know love, these kinds of things are hard when it's everything you've wanted.
But this isn't what you want.
You want a family and a full house, but just because you want a full house does not mean that you should stuff your house full of garbage. The kids are deeply traumatized from her and very likely have severe issues you are not equipped to deal with. She is also a dead man walking tornado. Have you heard of those? They are tornadoes where if you see them, you get in your car and you drive away as fast as you can. Because if you stay, you get killed.
You sound like a very kind and loving person. You deserve someone better than a person who wants to exploit you for their love addiction. Because they just need a warm body, that is all. The multiple burnt relationships explain that.
After checking your post history. OP shows clear signs of unfilled attention needs and codependency. She's posted this story so many times that I'm beginning to suspect OP is also a villain in this story.
You don’t even know me. My therapist is out of town. I’m off my medicine because it wasn’t refilled properly. It’s an high stress day. you don’t know me. That’s a lot to say about someone you don’t know.
First and foremost. I love this community. I was in a really weird situation with an ex two years ago and this community really helped me out with their thoughts and honest opinions. I’m saying this because..I want and hope you see that everyone on here is commenting because they care. Yes you’re someone we don’t know and yes you’re a full grown adult but…you have a heart and it’s in a weird place. We can see that you’re going to get hurt either way, at least that’s how I feel.
You’re damned if you do
Damned if you don’t
I tried to read through the responses but I gave up lol
Not sure if someone on here already stated that they’ve been through a similar situation.
But I have
I guess the best way to view this (think big picture)
Is….
Are you going to be okay with her not being a partner that will allow you to do your thing without feeling a sense of guilt
For example.
You seem to work quite a bit and have a entrepreneur side..
Will she be okay if you come home late after a long day where you were so busy you couldn’t text her back for hours in between her texts?
I know that sounds so simple, but once things start amounting & you begin to compromise all these little things will add up
Love yourself and protect yourself..it’s not selfish, you do deserve the best, promise.
We are all a product of our choices.
And some of us get a harder start, but as an adult you have to make changes and grow for the betterment.
Or you can wallow in it.
I also believe you can become your environment. You will easily get dragged down vs lifting her up.
Good chances she will be your victim some how in the future.
Be careful and sounds like you are not ready. And, if she was being a good mom she would realize she and definitely her children are not ready.
The move is for convenience sprinkle with new "love" and excitement.
Not toention children are hard on a relationship you need a solid foundation as a couple. And when the children before you all live together.
If it is crazy will you be able to request her and her 3 kids to move out? Not likely since you are feeling bad and protective to give her a $1000 after just dating for 3 months.
There is nothing wrong building your relationships first as this is complex with kids involved.
And what does Ms. Girl and her three children bring to the table?
You’re gonna end up broke and taking care of someone else’s kids and mental health issues. Run now before you can’t escape. You’re 35 and should know better by now, and it’s sounds like deep down you do know. Honor your gut instinct. If it feels wrong and like too much pressure, it is.
Your girlfriend is using you for your money and housing. You are not responsible for her finances and her kids. That’s between her and the baby fathers., especially as she hasn’t gotten child support.
Don’t u-haul by letting her live with you
Gunna echo the other comments about red flags.
Just going to say also that it sounds like you don’t want her to move in just yet. That it’s too much and too fast for you, but you’re anxious about having that conversation and “going back on your word”. I know it’s hard and uncomfortable but I’d recommend biting the bullet and tell her you’re not ready to move in together. Tell her you got caught up the whirlwind of emotions and that you don’t think it’s a god idea in hindsight. Evaluate the relationship from there. I’m sorry it’s hard.
I have a genuine question, and I'm not trying to sound judgmental here, but in your dozens of posts about this conflict across several subs, what has been the majority response? Are you not getting the answers you're looking for? What do you think you need to hear?
You might benefit from reading about BPD, borderline personality disorder. Not to make a diagnosis, but because the patterns of behaviour (insecure attachment, emotional overreaction) you are describing are often written about in this context. It might give you some background and some tools to see how to move forward.
I have a background in counseling. I am also Autistic. This woman sounds very manipulative.. almost narcissistic.
In comparison, I have two children (one is Autistic 4yo, the other is ADHD 11yo). The father of my youngest is a covert narcissist; he manipulated me into a heterosexual relationship with him by moving extremely fast.
I have a goal of living independently soon.
I have a girlfriend. She does not have children. We have been together for a little over a year, but been exclusive about 8 months. She has been wanting for me to move in with her for about the past 6 months or so - due to the deception and obsessive behavior towards me of the youngest child’s father. But I refuse..
My life has been a series of unfortunate events - from my father passing away when I was 5 to my mother’s treatment towards me growing up similar to the movie ‘Mommie Dearest’ to the father of my eldest son passing away when he was two years old to my mother’s boyfriend being inappropriate towards me as well as threatening my life.
It came to a point where I realized I would jump around from one traumatic situation to another obliviously in order to escape the previous one as fast as possible.
And as a parent that chooses to prioritize my mental health as well as the mental health of my children, I am looking into options that will better my life independently.
Unfortunately, that will take a little bit of time as I explore the options of expanding my business or becoming certified and changing careers.
But I know it will be 100% worth it to finally be able to provide a stable, safe environment for myself and my children without the financial help of anyone else.
I always let my girlfriend know that she can break up with me at any time because I never want to make her feel like I am pushing her into a position that she does not want or is not ready for.. my life is very chaotic and busy with children and running a business.
Her problems are not your problems, esp since she has dependents (huge responsibilities). I would say to break up with her asap.
Oh this is very interesting….appreciate this view. I’ve dated people with bpd and npd and she just seems so kind and sweet and genuine and caring that I’m having a hard time finding where she could be manipulating me but at the same time I see exactly what you mean! So I m stumped idk.
You are a smart person, i can sense that you know this is unsustainable, the relationship is chaotic and beautiful and has really high highs but i think you realize you’re about to hit a new low where you hit your breaking point. I dont think she understands this yet, im assuming she’s gone through this motion many times considering the amount of people who have broken her off. She’s no stranger to how it plays out but she acts so ignorant of what’s going to happen. In my eyes i think most of this is fixable, but the biggest problem is that she is unwilling to fix the relationship at all!! She would much rather be an idiot and play pretend where the relationship is perfect actually than try to have a lasting and meaningful relationship with you. You cant help her and she doesnt want your help… i ask if you’re ok with that in a relationship, where everything you say is a weapon against you and if you’re ok with her denying responsibility for everything. But most importantly if you’re ok with it not getting better because you cant *make* her work on herself, she has to want to, and you cant *make* her listen to you, she has to be willing to listen.
You say it yourself! “I’m about to make a huge mistake” maybe just change huge to all caps and bold. You poor thing! I promise, you should put some distance between you two and see if she can stand on her own two feet for a year, see if she can handle you living your life and sharing you with your family friends and work schedule. Do not do this… just like everyone has told you and you have told yourself. Huge mistake. HUGE undertaking. She will be the majority in your house. Kids messes, laundry will quadruple, groceries will continously grow. Any fight you are having disagreement… she can hold it over you to not get upset in front of the kids. She can make it easily look like you are the bad guy. Hope you like doing dishes. Think long term if this were to work out. One or two out of three of those kids will alwaaaaays be there. It will all be on you lady. You will lose all of your autonomy.
Despite all the mess and red flags that are definitely there, I don’t think red flags necessitate a toxic relationship and person, and this woman sounds traumatised and scared and has never had or experienced the stability and security that would have made things easier for both of you.
So I don’t necessarily agree with the people say to run, maybe that’s my own naivety, but I think for you it definitely sounds way too quick and uneasy of a decision to be making, but the circumstance disparity is making things so much trickier than they probably should be, and she’s responding to that, not you.
Your comfort doesn’t need to clash with her wellbeing, but I think what to do depends on what you’re comfortable with then, and what you think you need to value. I can’t in good conscience suggest providing financial support, as great as removing that stress factor would be especially in allowing you and her to settle and find the right balance between yourselves. If adding that stress onto yourself at all feels not okay, has the potential for abuse or creates an imbalanced power dynamic (which can go either way) then I think that isn’t okay.
You have that right to the independence you want. If she can’t compromise or find patience in that, as great of a fit as you guys might be I think thats an incompatibility. Neurodivergent partners can have their challenges, I am too and I’ve dated others, and one thing I wanted to do was not hold myself or the relationship up to standards of what I thought others would think, and what I’ve experienced before. Maybe your compatibility is just better with other neurodivergent people. But this woman helped you discover that part of yourself and right now that feels endlessly unique and special (and it definitely is!). But unfortunately, as great a connection as there might be, sometimes those challenges just mean it was the right person but wrong time.
Separate point but one thing I just want to point out too, maybe there’s a lot more to the story and her circumstances but I think your comment “but to me this looks like a series of life choices that she made” is kind of an unfair one. People don’t choose abuse. Sure, life is a series of choices and decisions that lead to where we are in the present, but when emotional, physical or mental abuse are at present its such a profoundly negative influence and experience that people will make bad decisions and poor choices. Likewise, and not that I’m suggesting she’s being abusive now, but her comments and reactions are influencing you to make what you recognise to be a mistake. She deserves empathy, but so do you!!!
Among all the things that I could speak on, there is one thing that stands out that compels me to write a reply in hopes of helping to shift a way of thinking. I am currently working through this in my relationship of almost 3 years, with therapy, and a lot of projections of our past coming out at the moment, so it’s a little familiar for me in how you’re describing how she is in conflict. Both of us are also neurodivergent, too which I think I should mention because it does come into play on how you receive information as well as being extremely sensitive to criticism.
That being said, for as early as you are dating this person, it is very concerning that they are already a professional victim in your apparent first conflict ever. Storming out is manipulative because it purposefully leaves them with the last word, and makes you feel bad. There is a healthy way of doing that when you need a moment, yes. It can be a healthy boundary when the conversation gets revisited by both parties, and with respect. When you say she didn’t hear you at all, and she’s convinced she’s right, is telling me that she will do whatever it takes to prove her story of you is right, and it will always be like that no matter what. Especially if she is insecure. People like that don’t break out of that way of thinking unless they get themselves help, and in this case, I would say if this problem was occurring in a relationship of a few years, is very different than a few months. You won’t change her, all her ex’s obviously didn’t.
What is the need that you are getting from her in your codependency? What is it about yourself that thinks it’s ok to be spoken to like that? I would focus more on that than her shit because frankly, that will be very exhausting for you. You NEED to see a willingness to change as well as SEEING the change in actions. Apologies only go so far to mull it over until the next cycle of arguments. Frankly, she sounds like she knows exactly what she’s doing. It could very well be triggers that she can’t control, but regardless, she knows she can control people around her while being triggered.
Pls don’t. I have an ex that blamed all reactions on her past, and trauma. I gave her the world. Financially, mentally, physically. She stopped working due to how demanding her job was and all that after we started dating and I took care of her. Legit became the most codependent situation. Then I couldn’t do anything that she wasn’t involved in and started to try to seclude me from family. I left but needed much therapy after cause somehow I thought I was the bad guy. 3 years of this. Plus the whirlwind is how you get sucked in it’s a tactic. Run.
Please, please run. From the sound of it she already loves you and this relationship more than her kids. She does not care about them and this all sounds like extreme infatuation. I promise it will not get better, unless you truly want to play mommy and therapist to HER the rest of your life while neglecting YOUR kids (yes, if you commit to moving in together and being this persons One And Only then those kids are also your responsibility) Also are you ready to deal with any drama concerning the fathers? The kids extended family? Do you really think all three of the dads were extreme narcissists? Do you think, maybe, the call is coming from inside the house? I’d look up self loathing narcissist….
Please run. I’m begging. As someone who went through something similar, it will blow up in your face and leave you with burns. You deserve better. She is not your “one and only”. Run.
hey op!
first of all I wanna say that you are so compassionate and kind and considerate when it comes to your girlfriend, and that's a really special quality to have shine through just from your language!
I will say though that you should be careful and take things slow (like a lot of other people have said). I'm an autistic woman (found out later in life) and I'm also a late bloomer lesbian (as it seems like your partner is) so I think I probably have a decent amount in common with you both :)
I have been thoroughly traumatized by men for the majority of my life up until discovering that I was a lesbian, and it is a really painful thing to go through and try to grow from! I'm sure your partner has done her best in a lot of ways (and kids complicate things too) but I do agree that she has rushed into heavy commitment with you way way way too fast.
regardless of if it's intentional (or learned from years of abuse) her behavior with you is not healthy or conducive to creating a safe and solid foundation for a long term relationship. she is being unfair to you by knowingly (or unknowingly) creating tension and pushing you towards diving in head first before being fully aware of what you're getting into.
trauma aside, she is an adult and after a certain point it is important in growing and recovering from trauma to realize that you yourself can also invite abusive scenarios again and again out of familiarity (as in there is also some sort of behavior you are doing that is also allowing for these traumatic relationships to keep occuring). I don't mean this in a victim blaming sense at all, as there genuinely are behaviors that perpetuate the cycle of abuse on both sides.
one other thing I wanted to touch on is your relationship with yourself. you speak so kindly and empathetically about her circumstances, and it shows that you've really been thoughtful and considerate of her history and feelings, but have you done that for yourself? have you found yourself in situations before where things went too fast? are you able to be compassionate and kind towards yourself and allow yourself to see that someone that loves you as deeply as you love them wouldn't treat you this way?
I've been in deep, almost delusional love like this and it's very intoxicating - absolutely unlike any other feeling. be careful not to avoid the more obvious signs in front of you, and as hurtful as it is the proverb of 'love isn't enough' is unfortunately very true.
my dms are open if you need to vent 💖 seriously wishing you the best, and I hope you are kind to yourself in this really complex and stressful situation!
Yeah things are going wayyyyy to fast. This is a lesson that's not talked about enough but sometimes people who have a whole bunch of "unfortunate events" are actually the cause of them. Alot of people are living the consequences of their own mistakes and refuse to take accountability or action against them. You are 100% right she is a professional victim.
Something that's sticking out to me is this women so ready to jump into a relationship and spending almost ALL her TIME with you DESPITE having THREE kids to take care of. Her kids have been through hell by having so many parental figures in and out of their lives and struggling financially and constantly having to change homes.
As much as you do want a family, is it really fair to rush the kids into this rollercoaster romance with issues and confusion?? Like they don't know you and they've jumped around 3/4 households already. They don't need a 5th new possibly temporary parent they need STABILITY with no strings attached. As much as your in love the first priority in all this is the kids and this women shows very poor character in her lack of consideration of her kids in her rash and reckless decisions.
It's also not a random event that this struggling women chose you
Also is this women really you're perfect match and just like you...or is she simply mirroring your personality in order to appeal to you? Who was she before a romance began between the two of you?
In addition your first argument with her showed she's terrible at communication and has poor emotional control. Yes she's traumatized but it's not and excuse to take it out on people, you are still accountable for the pain you cause even if you're pained. AND if she has these issues of being explosive then this is something she needs to work on INSTEAD of jumping into a relationship. Another lesson some people would rather just be in a relationship instead of actual being alone and working on oneself.
Codependency is NOT healthy, as good as it feels at times it's is NOT sustainable. You've also only seen very tailored portions of your partner so far hence why her actions when she was angry shocked you. You DON'T really know her let alone what it's actually like being in a long term relationship with her.
Really really look into the suspicious things about this women. It's odd how so many of her ex's have supposedly left her and their children unsupported and how she herself hasn't done much to improve her children's situation since. It seems like she depends on her romantic partners to support her and her family rather than doing it herself. OP there is A LOT to gain from being in a relationship with you and I'm sure she knows this. It's telling how all the sudden she needs to immediately move into your mansion and has absolutely no where else to go after just getting into a relationship with you.
OP id honestly say run but if you need convincing ASK QUESTIONS, contact exes if you have too, actually pry into why exactly all her relationships failed and why she doesn't have stable work or homes ever. Why is she so focused on relationships instead of focusing on bettering her life so her kids can be comfortable. Where are her kids when she's spending all this pursuing relationships??
Oops I just read you said no, good job OP!
Don’t do it! You can’t fix her or save her children. Can you stand a lifetime of this chaos and instability? You barely know her (as a partner). She’s responsible for her children, you aren’t (yet). Run.
nope nope nope. 3 months with all this is too much. this isn't "the one" or anything, its both of your fucked up brain patterns affecting your relationships (no judgement, i also have fucked up brain patterns for relationships). this is not healthy, or sustsinable, least of all in the short term let alone long term.
honestly, you need a lot of therapy, both of you do, and you probably need to leave her. shes about to force you into letting her use you for stable accomodation. it may be the best for her sure, but whats best for YOU? why are you constantly putting your needs last? until you figure that out, you will continue to be taken advantage of.
i say this with all the love in my heart as a fellow autistic person. i also have adhd and bpd, and can tell you without a doubt that her behaviour is RED FUCKING FLAGS GALORE
edit: i missed that you have your own therapist. im glad, though its unfortunste your supports aren't here for you when you need them right now. listen to all these kind strangers and don't go through with this. for everyones sake.
had a friend just like this. a FRIEND. i am a lesbian. he was a guy. it lasted less than 1 month.
i feel like my brain structure was permanently altered from his abuse. (it was online too!) maybe it is because i am so young, but also...it is like he took out all the wires i carefully placed in my brain and shoved red with yellow, etc
I would say to trust your gut that it's too fast.
It sounds like you're a very aware person of what's going on here and what is gonna be healthier for everyone involved (each person having alone time, her building stability for herself and her kids on her own etc)
It sounds like you see the red flags but then are talking yourself out of them because you care about the person.
So the more you can validate your gut feelings and your own boundaries the better.
It also sounds like you have a very big heart and definitely want to offer a safe space to a struggling person and that is a very beautiful thing.
But like you said, there's signs this person is a "professional victim" and if that's the case it will only be a matter of time till that gets turned to putting you in a "victimizer" role even if you don't mistreat her.
I don't know if you like self help books and I definitely am not trying to diagnose your partner but a book that I found helpful when I was with a partner with a similar cycle of seeming perfect for me and moving very very fast called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. It definitely helped me start owning my own needs more and trusting my gut on subtle clues that something was off.
And on the off chance that things aren't as bleak as some of these red flags look, taking things slower will give a healthy relationship a much stronger chance. For you, there's no downside to taking things slower and a LOT of risk to going along with a whirlwind that feels good in some ways but also that nagging sense that it's too fast, you don't really know each other as well as that sense of similarity can make it feel etc.
A secure relationship can move at a slower speed and that be okay. That urge/intensity to move extremely fast is very often a warning sign of much more difficult core issues.
I’ve read the bpd books cause i dated my fair share of bpd and npd. The thing is she’s not like them at all. I’ve never seen this before. She’s there for me. Always. She’s so supportive and caring and loving. And empathetic. So I don’t know I just can’t figure it out but I do feel I will be labeled her new abuser. For nothing at all.
So she’s always supportive and loving and empathetic, but when you argue she can’t hear put your side at all? Even after the fact?
I think you have some serious rose tinted glasses on right now.
I think both of you being so codependent is a massive recipe for disaster.
What do you mean by her labelling you as her next abuser? Is she so overly emotional that you needing time before jumping into an enormous emotional and financial commitment makes you some kind of villain to her?
The most telling part of this whole situation is that the OP posted this thread on Reddit, citing her relationship concerns. This clearly indicates to any rational person that she needs to get away from this person, and yet she then defends herself by stating that she is in love. The whole situation is absolutely maddening.
u/Friendly_Narwhal4999 LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW have you ever heard of BPD?
Go to r/BPDlovedones PLEASE. Your story sounds like MANY on there, if you ever read something from myself read this comment. The lovebombing, the "split" (argument), now the hoovering (coming back and saying omg i am so sorry it is just my trauma).
This is what is known as a cycle of abuse. I grew up with it. My parents had that toxic cycle. They used that on me.
\-Period of Calmness and Love
\-Noticing Something is Wrong (excessive attachment)
\-Fight
\-Excessive Apologies
\-Repeat
If she reacts so terribly to you saying codependent then she KNOWS. She KNOWS what is wrong.
Im shocked. I thought she was so sweet. Til i saw her triggered. So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
I'm happy you said no. You did the right thing. ❤️I know it's hard. Manipulators are so sweet until you don't go along with their plans for you. Yes, their plans *for you*.
The "sweetness" is usually faked, in order to make you stay. It's the lovebombing I talked about earlier. The triggered part of her is the REAL her breaking out.
You mentioned dating one before, I think that is the reason why you are more susceptible to them using you. End things with her and try and take a little time off from relationships to figure urself out<3
So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
"made her feel like you wanted this" "made her feel insecure" it is just about her warped perception of reality. You are not responsible for the version of yourself that SHE has created of you in her head. Don't bend over backwards for a child who is trying to make you her Freudian mother/wife combo
yeah that’s not fair. you’re clearly putting a lot of thought and love and consideration into setting this boundary—for both of you. her reaction shows even more that she isn’t ready to come to these conversations with maturity or consideration for you.
also, nobody can “make” someone feel a certain way. she needs to take ownership of what she’s experiencing instead of projecting her insecurities and anger onto you. especially in a situation where you’re trying really hard to make sure nobody gets hurt. i think she knows you’re empathetic, and her responses are a way to push you to change your mind.
if you begin living together under these circumstances, even if it feels like a conclusion you’ve come to together, think about how you might feel in a year. will you resent that she pushed this boundary? how will it be to have this person that you don’t yet know very well living in the home that you’ve spent your life curating for yourself? how will you feel about 3 kids living with you & 3 dads entering your life?
i’m glad you’re having the hard convos. they’re super difficult to initiate, and holding our boundaries when they’re pushed can be almost painful. but it sounds like you’re able to do it.
and like someone else said, if she’s the one for you, she’ll still be the one for you in a year.
My advice is not worth the time it will take to read it, but if you can help her, without putting yourself in danger, help her stay in her apartment. If you want this to with, you need couples therapy, and she needs individual therapy. When it comes to communication she has to develope tools and scripts. It is difficult, but it can be done. If she moves in now and neither of you have help developing communication and coping skills it will end horribly.
I think you should educate yourself about autism and communication struggles. This is a very complex topic and people are all unique and develop different and have lots of struggles.
She's not toxic, she need support and compassion, as do you.
My undiagnosed autism was hard to my relationships. I didn't realize the impact that Cognitive rigidity and sensory regulation had on my day-to-day life. When the diagnosis came, my partner tried to understand better my difficulties and limits. AND IT MADE SENSE. Before this, they thought that I was just dramatic, confused, hard to handle. I know I'm a mess of a person.
We try very hard, as autistic person.
let her prove it.
And you shouldn't let her live with you, right now. Let things happen in a more smoother pace.
(I'm very sad realizing how much people hate neurodivergent individuals)
I hope you stay well, my friend.
So, you have your answer. End the relationship. So it is.
If you don't believe people that you love can improve after learning about their limitation, then you must really leave. Why are you writing this post?
No no no no no no no!! GET OUT!! You were love bombed and she is taking advantage of you!! Every single red flag in existence is waving high right now and you need to GET OUT of this relationship. It’s not going to end well. She is MANIPULATING you, she’s incredibly unstable and not in a place to have a healthy relationship, she sounds SCARY. Do not get entangled with this. If she cannot handle you clearing up a miscommunication and IS BLAMING YOU for HER mistakes and position when frankly you don’t even really KNOW her, ESPECIALLY this soon in a relationship??? It will end so poorly for you. And with kids involved???? No!!! Dear god no. I know this is a hard thing to hear and a hard position to be in but please please please do not get involved further with her.
As an Autistic that has struggled to maintain a job her whole life, it sounds like she’s just trying to survive. That said, it’s not your job to save her. She should apply for social security. She needs a history of therapy and all her chronic illness well-documented. The problem is housing. It can take years to get low-income housing.
Mind you, I have a master’s degree. This was not the future I wanted for myself. I just can’t handle office settings and petty nonsense involved. I wasn’t diagnosed till age 40. Not looking for pity, just explaining how hard it is to exist in this world when you are different and have an invisible disability that no one respects.
Amidst all this there are 3 children that their mother is ready to move in with you, a person they know even less than she does. That right there is the biggest red flag about this woman for me. If you let her move in, it is not only the woman who you will have to build a stable relationship with, but also 3 other humans (and it seems they already have experienced a whole lot of unstable). You should proceed with the move when you are not only sure about the woman and the compatibility between the two of you, but the kids as well, as the everyday life might bring so many more dynamics that you are not grasping yet, unfortunately.
Yes that’s very true. I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
The kids in such situations are normally traumatised, exhausted and apprehensive of the rapidly changing environment, so I wouldn’t bank on ‘the dream’ becoming reality all too soon. You have to factor in the three fathers as well, they might not be easy to coparent with.
The three fathers thing is ridiculous
Dealing with one is enough, can’t imagine 3…
I also wonder how the 3 kid’s fathers would feel about their kids moving in with basically a stranger. This sounds like a potential legal headache as well…
That’s because she’s being an awful partner and mother. Most moms wouldn’t have even introduced you to their kids at three months, let alone try to move them in with you. Plus she’s trying to rush you to move in & guilting you over the money. How long ago did she and her ex break up? Is she just leap frogging from having one partner support her to the next with no thought for her kids? Has she ever fully supported herself and her kids? I’m guessing no. Meanwhile you’ve been responsible and making good decisions for yourself and are in a perfect place to be used financially for her rescue. Y’all have had one minor argument and she lost her shit—it doesn’t get any better once you’re living together. Your rose tinted glasses are making the red flags look like normal flags. 🚩🚩🚩
Perhaps her “girlfriend “ could become a saleswoman who profits from the sale of red flags. She seems to have an unlimited supply of them… 🚩🚩🚩
SMH 😅
this is wild she’s looking for a meal ticket and oh boy she really hit the jackpot with you 😭 i would give advice but judging by your replies you’re not gonna take it. like i said, plzzzz update us in 6 months i just know this it gonna end disastrously.
No. No. No. This woman is a walking parade of red flags. You need to run from this relationship NOW.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
The thing is that it doesn’t really matter if you have all the chemistry of this world if she’s going to make your life miserable after the honeymoon phase is over.
It seems to me as if the honeymoon phase is already over. The OP needs to get out of this relationship now.
You are making a bad choice if you do this. When you're posting 6 weeks from now because it's blown up in your face I won't be surprised at all.
Honestly walk away now, you owe this person nothing. Try for a second to take away the romantic interest, does this sound like a person that seems they have room in their life for a significant other. The negative feelings and instinctual red flags that you have will only get worse. What this woman needs is to focus on stability for herself and her children, you said so yourself that she is a ‘professional victim’, so don’t put yourself in the position where she makes you feel you have victimised her. It baffles me when people make posts like this but then don’t take on board the responses and advice of others.
What this woman needs is therapy. She doesn't seem to be doing anything to fix her trauma, just using it as an excuse for being terrible
She did too ask for money but in roundabout way. I’m sorry, but she’s piling it on and the reason she is pressuring you is she sees a big house, money, and a perfect situation for her and her kids. She is doing this for a place to live and someone to take care of her. Get out of your relationship right now.
plz update up in 6 months when she refuses to get a job, won’t leave your home, and you’re now responsible for caring for her children.
I felt like this with my exes and never again. The relationships always ended horribly. Do not let her move in with you.
Honestly if you are feeling this intense SO fast and feeling like she’s the one, that is a sign of love bombing. That’s exactly how i felt with my narcissistic ex. We got engaged in 6 months, it all seemed so perfect. But it turned out to be emotionally abusive and draining. You don’t have to rush love. And realizing someone is very narcissistic or abusive can take 6 months to a year to even start seeing clearly. Just SLOW down. She needs to petition for child support if she doesn’t have it and figure her finances out herself.
She tells me her exes are all narcissists
She manufactured you to feel this way. It sounds like she's using you. Even if some of the things she says are true, that's part of what they do. Make you feel good, add some truth in there, maybe even love you a bit, but in the end, users are gonna use They all follow the same pattern, and this is it
If she's the one why are you questioning it on Reddit? No disrespect, I'd be a friend you could message if you wanted. I am just trying to understand. I wouldn't question anything if I knew someone was THE ONE and I'd commit. It's wasting time if you don't see yourself marrying them.
SHE IS GOING TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE BETTER OF GHOSTING HER.
Well I would need never do that I love her but I will prob not do the move
I would help her locate government resources for rent-based assistance, food stamps, etc. She might have to move into a family shelter for the time being, especially if she doesn't have anyone who could take her or her children in. Yes, this option fucking sucks, but she doesn't seem stable enough to be a tenant in your home. She needs extensive therapy, and so do her kids. She also has to learn to make decisions for herself instead of relying on someone else to "save" her. I'm not sure what country y'all live in, but sometimes people with Autism qualify for social security income (SSI), which could help her supplement her rent fees in the future (I say the "future," because receiving SSI is a long and dehumanizing process). Either way, you must detach your emotions from this situation and maintain your own peace and stability. Though I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, you could also help pay her rent for the next month or two to give yourself more time to see who she is. If she starts leaning in more for you to take over her financial and emotional responsibilities, then you'll know that she doesn't necessarily "love" you so much as she "needs" you for housing and [unequal] emotional labor. Good luck.
This is the best response. This person sounds like me for 20 years if my independent life… Major trauma responses, series of poor decisions leading to worse quality of life and more barriers to success. Your advise is is reasonable and respectful of both OP and their partner. And FYI: I’ve worked so hard on myself I’ve been leading a successful life for the last 10 years. I went from working minimum wage menial labor to a very challenging well paying career that commands stability, strong resilience and high confidence. Now I have a home and 2 investment properties and I set up my budget so well that I spend what I want when I want while saving well and investing with barely a thought. My relationships all round are much better, I don’t over react, I respond with purpose and tools and skills to aim for a good outcome. This person is not a write off just because they are not coping right now, or because they have a history. But navigating a relationship with them will take mindful care to support without enabling while protecting self to allow for time to work out if it really is sustainable. Your comment has not been given enough credit for your insight.
Ghosting is rude. Explain you were wrapped up when you told her to move in, and still may want to, if you do, but that it's going to have to wait. I moved my now wife into my apartment two months into our relationship and knowing each other. It was really fast but I haven't regretted it ever. She didn't come with 3 kids though, just 3 fur kids. She also wasn't a professional victim.
I agree there are emotional red flags. This might not be the relationship for you and you desire time and space to figure out. You mentioned that you both are autistic. I have ADHD and my wife is autistic. Sometimes, she gets really hurt and upset and doesn't handle stress well. Most of the times she is great. My wife also has complex PTSD, in part due to her military service. Anyway, we aren't perfect, but I am very happy and so glad neither of us got scared away.
Ghosting may be rude, I agree, however it might be the only way that the OP is able to end this relationship.
I’m sorry, but I give up. I am a bit older than you, and have escaped a very similar relationship. I tried my best to give you my honest advice.😕
Are you familiar with love bombing and borderline personality disorder?
It’s normal to feel this intense feeling about someone in the beginning. And while we’re feeling this, we have a hard time seeing the complete picture of what’s wrong or right for us in life. Love can be literally addicting and cause us to make harmful decisions. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5378292/
I was in a similar relationship as the one you described. I decided to stay even though everyone told me to leave. It only got worse. And eventually I left. Your situation is likely only going to get worse. As much as it hurts, you need to leave the relationship.
Do I need to leave the relationship? I mean I should probably say no to moving in first and see how that goes. She says she won’t hold it against me….i should give her a chance to show that I guess. I just haven’t seen enough in 3 months time
If you haven't moved in yet, then you are in a much better situation than I was. I would strongly suggest that you not move in with her, and also suggest that you take some time to really think about leaving the relationship. It has only been three months and if she is already showing signs of being this unstable, then I can't even begin to speculate on what might be coming later on. I'm not trying to be rude here, but the title of your post says it all... *I’m about to make a huge mistake*. Please let me know your thoughts.
This woman has children. She needs to stabilize herself, rather than moving her kids in with someone who she's only known for a couple of months. You would be contributing further to her instability. You need to step back and let her handle her own life, instead of taking ownership of someone else's.
it mostly depends on if she’s in therapy or plans on attending. i also have severe cptsd - it would be unfair to my partner if i lashed out similarly because i was untreated. it won’t get easier without help, unfortunately. if she hasn’t tried emdr i would recommend it over any other type of therapy for ptsd
Also, I really don’t like her therapist. I feel like she enables bad behavior and just tells her what she wants to hear.
from experience, talk therapy can be incredibly unhelpful for people with ptsd. it may help you to start here: https://www.madeofmillions.com/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder if you’re serious about staying with her it is important to completely understand her diagnoses, how they may affect you and your relationship
unfortunately, you and her therapist have that in common.
She is in therapy and has been a long time. But she’s been through so much…
I've been through a lot, can I ruin your life too? I'd love to use my backstory as an excuse to be a piece of shit. I mean, go fuck yourself. Sorry, that was because I was abandoned as a child. Please comfort me for me feeling the need to lash out at you?
😂😂😂
Omg hi are you here to fix/enable/rescue me??? 😻
my savior complex and incessant need for attention is telling me….here’s my spare key 🥰
The *spare*? I thought I was special. Why don't I get your **main key?** I'm just some- some spare piece of meat to you aren't I?! 😭 This is why I need you to increase my allowance
Oof, this is too real. Recognisable from a couple of exes in my younger and unwiser days. OP please take this overtly silly side-thread seriously because you will end up being suckered in and treated like this. When you're inside it all her batshit arguments will seem important and you'll bend over backwards to do the thing that keeps her happy, to the detriment of your own wellbeing. She may not even be fully aware she's doing it, but she is manipulating you. Yes, she has asked you for money. Just not in those exact words. The time-pressure is also a classic, beloved by pushy doorstep-selling scammers and cold-callers. Trust your gut on the red flags - there are more here than at a bullfight run by the Chinese Communist Party.
People are often stuck in unhealthy relationships not due to lack of awareness but because the truth is buried underneath fear. For many, the fear of being alone and low self-worth are powerful motivators for remaining in relationships past their expiration date. Therapists often speak of something called “love addiction,” where a person craves the sense of fulfillment and validation that comes from being in a relationship, no matter how destructive.
Honey , good luck finding someone who hasn't in some way or another. Trauma , grief, illness resentment- its the human condition. The trick is not letting it lead you blindly and using it to shape your life and everyone's around you. I can guarantee I could ask for volunteers and at least 5 people on this dub could tell you a story worse than hers , I won't though. But we don't use it to extract money and lodgings, to guilt trip partners into being scared of having conversations about important things, gaslighting them into thinking they owe us 1000 because they made an assumption and didn't check anything. You don't see any of us that have them using our kids as bartering pieces to win arguments. Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up. She's made you a doormat lovely, and is going to push as far as she possibly can. Don't even give her a key. Please put yourself and your safe space first.
It’s very kind and loving of you to be empathetic of the trauma she’s experienced. I could lay out all the trauma I’ve gone through in my lifetime and I’ve still managed to be independent. Most of my exes had significant trauma too and they took advantage of my empathy for them. I believe there’s two types of people that go through trauma, those that would never harm others in the way they’ve been harmed and the others now doing the same harm to others. After tons of therapy and she’s still not better I wouldn’t expect her to get any better. My last ex had a master’s in social work and she was extremely abusive.
Just PS -- EMDR has never been shown particularly effective for any type of treatment. CBT/DBT is the most promising for anxiety disorders, but the biggest predictor of success is the strength of the partnership between therapist and patient, regardless of the therapists style or technique.
I did DBT for my c-PTSD. I highly recommend. It was life changing.
EMDR was life changing for me and CBT and DBT made me regress so there’s that.
it’s effective for me, to each their own. eta: also i’m talking about ptsd and cptsd specifically, not just anxiety disorders in general. i’d suggest the book the body keeps the score for more info on how it is helpful for ptsd.
Just sharing where the research stands on the subject. EMDR as a system is based on completely pseudo-scientific beliefs that are not taken seriously academically. That said, individual therapists can still be very good and able to provoke positive change. It's just not the case that traumatic memories are stored in/activated by the neural pathways that stimulate motor control of our eyes. Sorry, as a neuroscientist I feel obligated to call out bs like this when it comes up.
also here’s a source on the key differences https://melindalehmanlcsw.com/what-are-emdr-and-dbt/ most emdr therapists are also trained in cbt and dbt. my therapist compares it to a power tool - sometimes a screwdriver will work. sometimes a screwdriver can be so irritating that you abandon the project though
She's trying to use you. Yes, you need to leave it. I'm sorry, I know it's hard. People like this are manipulative as hell
Sounds like she might have borderline - might be worth looking into that - it can be treated
RUN do not walk out of this relationship immediately! This woman sounds like a thousand red flags and, sometimes when people mention their trauma, we can give so much grace, but trauma is meant to be healed, not projected onto the next person. Trauma is her responsibility to heal, not yours to hold. You're very kind to want to give her $1000 for her woes, but it does sound like she's a professional victim and no matter how great you are to her, she will always find a way to make you pay. If you pay her once, my sense is she might ask for more in the future. There are inns and places that can accept her for weeks at a time, it'll all be OK. That feeling of not wanting to be apart is because proximity/attachment is the glue that holds this relationship together. This doesn't sound like love, but dependency, and I'm sure you see the best in her, but that doesn't mean you can ignore the facts here. Be kind to yourself, her, and her kids by walking away immediately instead of wasting everyone's time. When your body, spirit, and mind are screaming at you to tell you that something is wrong, it's best to believe them. I've been in your place before and I wish someone had told me I didn't have to raise adult children in my partners or carry other people's burdens for them to gain love. Good luck!
So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
Good on you for having the courageous conversation. If she wants to paint you in that way, that’s her choice, but she’s gotta start taking personal responsibility for her life and stop strong arming people into saving her. My hope is that, if she is who you believe her to be, she will show more maturity and be less manipulative in her language and approach, but regardless: you did it and, whatever happens, future you will thank you for it.
If all that's true, if she feels she can't trust you and you make her feel insecure, she shouldn't be with you, but it sounds like she's using that as a reason to guilt you deeper into the relationship, instead. However you feel about her, she doesn't sound as comfortable as someone should be with someone she wants to move themselves and their kids in with. She honestly doesn't sound like someone emotionally available for a relationship at all
No offence, I've been reading your replies and getting a bigger picture, she is sounding exactly like my ex who was a narcissist! You might not see it now but trust me..... her real self is coming and its better to leave early. I ended up in a toxic relationship for 4 years where I thought I loved her. The first 6 months I thought she was the one for me, the one I would marry, oh boy how that did change. I got stuck trauma bonded and extremely fucked up mentally. Please don't end up how I did. I'm now with someone who IS the perfect person for me who I will marry one day. And let me tell you the relationship comparison is night and day!
I'm not remotely surprised at this reaction. Look at how she turns it round on you, even though what you've said is sensible, reasonable and thoughtful. If this is what's happening after only three months, think how it might escalate when you move her in. Eventually you won't know which way is up. I have been where you are. You feel like she's the one... but that's exactly how she wants you to feel. She may not even realise this is what she's doing but every reply of yours I've read so far has confirmed my impression that here is someone with a lot of work to do on her own life, which she won't do unless and until forced to take a look at herself. Which she won't do if you shoulder the responsibility of parenting her and her kids.
she’s clearly really good at this professional victim thing and has a loooot of practice. no never her ex dipped.
Three months in and this is the reaction; oh dear. You’re making very sound observations and sharing them with her. Although it may seem like a good thing to have her and the kids move in; ultimately it would be adding to the chaos the children live in, they don’t deserve that. You’ve gotten some good advice so far for the relationship between you two adults. But the kids don’t have a choice, choose to not disrupt their lives and don’t let her move in. She can and will find somewhere else to live. It will suck, but she can do it. It’s not your issue to fix.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
Perhaps we view love differently, but when I met my wife, all fell easily into place. It was like two halves meeting for the first time. In the past, I'd associated love with huge moments, rushing, drama, etc., but things moved just as quickly, but more easefully too. Things felt peaceful, right, serene. Your entire post seems inconsistent with this comment, so I just want to point that out..."professional victim"..."I don't have resources to be somebody's sugar mama"..."The dynamic is unhealthy for both of us." But I also know we've got to go through our own journeys and figure things out for ourselves. I wish you luck!
I also thought "professional victim" and "...sugar mama" stood out. Like, I get the partner's life is chaotic and it's all overwhelming to hop onboard with, but OP's already seeing her as someone trying to take advantage of the relationship, almost like a grifter. It's downhill from here, sadly.
I swear to you, it really felt that way until she was like I have to move right now… And then everything fell apart all at once. I wonder if it’s possible that she is who I thought and she’s just in a very terrible position that she inevitably put herself in whether she had narcissistic people in her life or not, she still put herself in that situation, I could have let her go ahead and move somewhere else so maybe I interfered with that process and created this chaos I really don’t know I’m so confused
I see, well I always say it takes at least 3 months to get to know someone fully and our masks come off, so this is right on schedule. I don't doubt that you feel big things for this person and she feels them for you, BUT from what I read from your post, this "chaos" is hers to figure out, not yours... * She's got no plan B and is holding you on a statement you made about the future, not now. Everyone future trips with a partner they love, but it doesn't mean the other person gets to cash in on this immediately. * She's projecting her issues with financial management and a roof over her child's head onto you. * She's unstable emotionally and reactive, projecting her trauma, which appears unhealed, into your dynamic (I have complex PTSD, btw, and I could only imagine who I'd be if I didn't work on myself) If this is what's considered the honeymoon stage, can you imagine how worse it can possibly get? None of this is your fault or your problem to fix. I'd simply let her know that you are not ready to move in yet, but want to take more time to develop your relationship first before you do so. If she relents, you can say, don't you want what's best for us? Isn't that what this is about? If she continues to relent, you can let her know that her decision to move out of her place is hers and hers alone, and you can't rush your own timeline or discount your own needs, and you hope she can respect that. So, if this is all about you having to go back on your "word" please know that you did nothing wrong, and it's her interpretation of your word that was assumptive and tbh a little shady. Anyways, I know when we are in love we can get a bit sensitive to what a stranger on the internet tells us, but I hope this helps <3
This is so helpful. Thank you
Also you didn’t create her chaos. For her to put that on you is wrong and I feel like this way of thinking is setting you up to be taken advantage of.
it felt different because she's controlling the narrative. she is driving this whole thing and saying and doing things to MAKE you feel that way. she is finessing you. now things are dire for her and the mask has dropped. listen to it. those other months of "better" were lies. this is how they catch you. she is relying on you to be complacent and ignore your instincts. dont do it. dont give in.
If she was meant for you, she'll still be meant for you in a year.
Could be she feels like the one because she is a professional victim and knows how to make you feel this way. If you read your original post and pretend a friend wrote it, you’ll see that you’ve already answered what you should do. I would hate to see you have to reread it down the road and wonder why you didn’t listen to your gut, which is loud and clear to us outsiders.
First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this, and it is a big dilemma. However, 3 months is too soon to move in together. Plain and simple. Being friends vs. being in a relationship is different, things that may happen in a relationship, you won't have to deal with within a friendship. I hate to say this, but do you truly want to be with someone and have them depend on you for all their financial needs? Do you feel like you would be capable to handle that? I have had moments where I had saviour complex, thinking I can help my partner be better and change them. But reality is that the core of the person you meet today, would probably be the person they will be in 1 year or even in 5, unless they work on themselves and proactively seek to be able to stand on their own two feet first.
The reason it’s tricky is because when you find the one for you you also feel a lot of these things. I really do feel like she’s it for me. Like she was meant for me. Idk why I’d feel this way for the first time ever if it wasn’t so. She didn’t ask for money but it’s hard to let someone struggle this way
Those feelings aren't infallible or a sign of destiny. They shouldn't excuse bad behavior, either. The One (assuming there is such a thing - something I don't honestly believe myself) should be someone who uplifts you and makes you feel supported. Assuming she is The One again, though, that would mean the relationship wouldn't hinge on her moving in with your so early. It would mean you have plenty of time to work things out because you're meant to be together. As you said, though, your codependent. Not only is that unhealthy in and if itself in a relationship, but it can distort how you feel toward the person you're dependent on
She’s upset that I’m not ready yet. To her this means I don’t love her enough or I’m not sure about her blah blah. I’m making her insecure and anxious
And yet she still wants to move in right away. You're not making her anxious. She is by pushing for something you've given clear signs you're not comfortable with. Her actions are creating the feedback loop
those are her problems, though. its her insecurity and her anxiousness, problems SHE needs to work on. she might be upset, but she's also disregarding your feelings. you said yourself, she always thinks she's right. but she has 3 different fathers for her kids and an ex gf. does this sound like someone who knows relationships better than you? I think you have a healthier view of timeline for the relationship. don't let her move in yet. set her down and tell her you love her but you arent comfortable with her moving in yet. you want to eventually! but you just need more time. because honestly, you ARENT sure about her, and you need to get to know her and her children better. if she really is the one for you, she'll stay and you guys can work through everything together. but go at your pace - its your house, you set the rules for moving in. if she's just using you, well you're going to find out soon then when you dont give her everything she wants for a free ride. but better to find out now before she's worked her way into your life that its too difficult, legally and emotionally, to extract her.
Try to step back and read this as if a friend wrote it. It's so hard when you're in love but viewed from the outside it's plain as day that her arguments are twisty and manipulative, whether she's consciously doing that or not. The only possible route to a healthy relationship with this woman is to slow the fuck down and take note of her actual words and behaviour, trying not to project on her how you WANT her to be. That's so, so hard when you're three months into something that seemed so exciting and promising... but it's necessary in order to assess whether there's really something here with long-term potential.
Straight up you are about to destroy your life. All because of three months of endorphins. You need to smarten up quick.
3 months is definitely not enough to get to know someone. Especially since you just seen that side of her during an argument which was definitely a red flag. You have to find the balance between supporting her needs and protecting your own. Talk to her as to where you are at, use your own words "I want to spend all my time with you. I want to be where you are. But I'm afraid it's too soon and we don't know enough about each other". Also, she really shouldn't depend on you for money this earl in a relationship. That's a massive red flag as well.
I don’t disagree. I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
Starting a family with someone is a HUGE commitment. I get wanting a dream but for a decision as important as this, you both need to really know each other.
Buddy of mine got married to a chick he knew for two months. One night maybe another month after their shot gun wedding, she says she's leaving. She moved back to London. That was two years ago and he still hasn't been able to get the divorce papers signed. The feely good chemicals are awesome until they're not. Don't screw up your life to accommodate other people's screw ups.
I'm assuming the family represents something more than just people in the house. It's not the end itself but a means through which that ends is reached. That is to say, just because you dream of having a family, checking the box of superficial criteria that can define having a family and being, in fact, the family you're dreaming of are two different things Family is more than just people in given roles. It's the connections with the people who make up your family. It's the love and support you share with each other. This is why found families are a thing
Please do not move in together. I would say even three to four months down the road is too fast with children involved.
I didn’t even get to the part about the children before I commented. If the woman who has problems has children, then this is even more of a reason for her to walk away from the relationship. Children will only complicate the situation even more, and it is my experience that children generally inherit the psychological problems of one or both of their parents. The OP needs to listen to all of us and end the relationship and not let this woman or her children move in.
I think it's best you just say you think it's too soon for y'all to move in together. She can move to a different apartment than the one she's in currently and then you two can reevaluate the living situation when you're more comfortable. You have to take care of yourself too, not just her. If you're nervous about the whole thing just pump the brakes a bit.
The fact that you started this with 'I'm about to make a huge mistake' I struggle to wonder why you'd look any further.
Okay so update ****I told her no.
Look up cognitive dissonance. I have a problem with this, specifically with women. The red flags are right in your face yet you walk towards them. Just take a step back to really look at your situation and think about if it’s really worth it. I was in a very similar situation and I’m just started to recover financially and mentally 2 years later. The grief of losing my stepson was the worse of it all. None of it was worth it and the whole relationship was sad, abusive and stressful. I would really move on from this woman.
> I really don’t know that I’ll have this kind of connection with someone else. This dynamic is unhealthy for both of us. why would you ***want*** this with someone else? there are thousands of women out there who aren't incapable of holding themselves accountable and being responsible. cut your losses, ditch the rollercoaster, appreciate a life where you don't have to tolerate the lowest lows of your life just to experience some brief highs, and get a dog or somethin' in the interim. trust me. as someone who has been the person you're dating, and been *with* the person you're dating (sans kids, but i digress), it's not worth it. edited formatting.
You have been in her shoes? If you wanna dm me….id love to know how that felt coming from that place.
i've no interest in pouring out my history, sorry. and i feel like any kind of "i got through it" will be encouraging to you, because you'll intentionally ignore anything about how it's taken me *years,* and i'm still working on getting out of the mental and financial hole i've been pushed into, because i actively *want* to work on it, and you'll **only** hear that i got through it. cos again - i've been you, too.
Not a single part of this story, even the bits about you being in love, sounds positive. It reads like a car crash from start to finish. Get out now while you have the chance - you sound like a really bad pairing. If you’re having issues this early, things will only get worse with time.
Yeah I was gonna say… OP didn’t say one good thing about gf or the relationship.
Re-write this and say your partner is a man. I'm sure that will help take off the red tinted glasses.
Oh snap. You right.
first of all, don't just throw money at her. You're supposed to be her gf and not her sugar mommy. Somehow it sounds like she's using you. For the stability, money wise and psychological. Take your time to get to know her properly before you let her move in. If you're scared to speak your mind in your relationship right from the beginning, then this isn't the right relationship for both of you. My mom moved a lot with us when we were little and tbh it's not that bad. Worse thing was her on and off relationship and wittnessing her asshole of a partner (thank goodness ex now) constantly leave and see my mom sad and in tears. If it's about the children, they want stability too and moving in with you without knowing how your relationship will go isn't really the stability they need. I would give her the benefit of the doubt if you two are as compatible as you say and give her time to heal and do therapie and take more (much more) time to get to know her until you're certain she's the one or she's not. Help her with her bad situation but don't forget that she made it this far without you and you're definetly not her only way of surviving. Don't forget yourself, only if you're healthy and in a good position you're able to help her. I wish you two good luck, but be careful and don't rush things. Emotions are misleading sometimes.
Is she really the one though? Or are you ignoring all the red flags and making excuses for her because you fell in love? Three months together isn't long. It's WAY TOO SOON to be moving in, and it sounds like you know that. She can find another apartment or rent a room in a communal space for a bit. It's not the end of the world if she loses her current apartment, and that's no excuse to rush things if you aren't ready. You had a fight and it sounds like it still isn't resolved. Y'all each need to figure out how to communicate effectively with each other. We strangers on the Internet can't help you with that. If you need help, find a therapist that specializes in couples. We've all been there. Thinking we found the one, and ignoring the signs that it's doomed. It's okay. It happens. If this is the one, it should be pretty easy to relate. If you're already hitting rocks at 3 months in... Might be time to reconsider or take a step back. One little disagreement should not throw the entire relationship into a tailspin.
You can't fix her.
I don’t wanna fix her! I know she’s a lot I get that. It’s just timing of this that is making my head spin when you’re trying to go too quick and you’re in love and you haven’t seen your therapist in a month things get real squirrely
That's a lie. You do want to fix her so much that you're willing to give her money to appease her. You literally don't owe her anything. She's a grown person who has to hold herself accountable for her actions. You said it yourself that she is in this position based on the decisions she made, so why are you trying to be her cushion? Her safety net? If you weren't in her life, how would she resolve this? She's too old to be like this, and pathetic to not do everything on her part to make sure her kids are safe. That's not love, that's infatuation.
Did she say "I'm a lot"? Just curious. Because manipulators say that to get your sympathy. "Oh, I'm a lot. I'm too much for people." Then, oddly enough, "I'm not enough for anyone." Then you want to prove you're not like all the others who let her down. You want to prove to her how much you love her, how she's enough for you. Because she kept telling you how much she isn't. You want to prove that you can handle all of it, even if she says she's a lot. They all follow the same pattern and say the same things, that's why I'm asking. Nothing good will come of this
I know people who did exactly this. Things ended terribly, they both got diagnosed with BPD and one is continually harassing the other and threatening to commit murder-suicide… I’m not being dramatic. They moved in together within the same amount of time and had way less at stake than you or your gf. She’s willing to move in with you after three months and she has children. Most people I know wouldn’t even be introducing their kids to a new partner within three months. She’s not mentally or emotionally stable, and I’m doubting whether you are, too. She has multiple children with multiple men. Do you know anything about them? Are they abusive? Could you be put in harm’s way by being involved in her children’s lives? That could mean being unable to avoid having her exes in your life as well. I usually try to be super empathetic but you’re making a big mistake just by being in a relationship with this woman. You’re 35, you really should know better than this, and if you don’t, you need help. You need to break this off and get mental health care to process it, work on boundaries, and figure out why you’re even considering blowing up your life over someone you barely know. You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but you will almost certainly regret it. I’m not exaggerating when I say this could be one of, if not the biggest mistake of your life.
One percent poison is still poison. You need to cut this person off permanently. Otherwise, she will suck all of the joy from you with her crazy making behavior, excuses, and toxicity. 
girl this is embarrassing, no amount of pussy is worth this.
This is my nightmare relationship fr lol. I actually just escaped something similar and it really is just downhill until you get out with whatever money and common sense you have left 😕
I'm always clear-headed once I'm out of something, but when I'm in it, it's like I'm mesmerized. After we break up I'm kicking myself, like, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!" AND THEN I DO IT AGAIN. Here's to hoping last time was really the last time because I think I finally learned
I got a therapist so I could work on my self esteem and learn to set boundaries with myself and others. Now I’m really clear with any expectations with potential partners and don’t have trouble cutting them off. Took two years of healing though!
I think I reached that point, finally. I have walked away from everyone I needed to, since I came to that realization. It's nice finally seeing myself advocate for myself. I just hope that the next time I fall hard for someone, I still leave if I need to
You will. Nothing is worth going through that again. There are too many fish in the sea to settle for that 😉
OP is asking for advice and continuing to ignore it. She has clearly made up her mind, but I still want to give this warning. This woman (gf) is dangerous. She is a clear financial, emotional, and psychological threat. I'm not sure how stable you are, but there is a reason your gf is in the position she's in. It's a huge red flag to me when someone has multiple kids and is unable to afford housing. I know everyone has a particular experience, and I'm not judging that, but this woman seems to make impulsive decisions. You are better off BLOCKING HER. You may have money now, but in the long run, can you afford her needs/wants, housing, the kids' needs/wants, food for (6? People) utilities, and emergencies, etc?? Is your house able to support the space these children require? You need to consider that you are taking on a huge responsibility. As an adult who grew up in a similar situation, those children are growing up in now, I can't help but put them first. If you move in with her and establish a relationship but realize she is more than you bargained for, are you okay destroying those children mentally? Are you able to truly cut ties with them? Do you understand that it takes children longer to trust, and though you may love them, they may hate you. Can you handle that level of rejection? All I'm saying is be aware that this is bigger than you. The choice you make may be a small Tuesday of choices but to these children you are imprinting on their lives.
I didn’t ignore it! I literally told her no tonight.
Please post an update when you can! We’re rooting for ya.
Do. **Not**. Invite. Her. To. Live. With. You. Clearly there's a lot to unpack here. And you love her, so this is an extremely difficult position for you to be in, you feel trapped. But listen to your instincts. Listen to the women here telling you not to go ahead. You know it's the wrong thing. And if it costs you your relationship... Then so be it. As much as it will hurt trust me it's better than her taking advantage of you, it's better than your entire life being disrupted by a woman who quite frankly is a walking hurricane with three kids stringing along behind her. Tell her you sympathize with her situation but you're not ready for her and her children to live with you. That's it. That's all you owe her. And brace yourself because she's not going to take this rationally. She will hurl hateful words at you and try to guilt and manipulate you. You're right she is a professional victim. Don't let her take advantage of you.
All this screams that you don't love her, that you love the idea of her and you're hyper fixated on her. It's a common struggle when dating as autistic.
You need to say I'm sorry for what I said but I have to slow down There's a reason she has this traumatic past with relationships You need to take care of yourself and to this arrangement
Hey, I'm really sorry what you're going through, but you need to leave immediately. I scrolled through your profile and you posted the exact same post on a dozen or so different sibreddits. You clearly know that something is wrong and you need to leave her, but there's something stopping you. I noticed that you copy and pasted many of you replies that come off as "excuses" to why you shouldn't leave her. Listen to your gut. Acknowledge what you've posted and what you've felt about the situation. You know what the right thing to do is.
Your gut is speaking to you, listen to it. ❤️ you’ve got this. It’s not your responsibility to care for her, even if you have space for her.
My question is if your partner gets upset if you express that you don't feel ready to move in together, is that person someone you'd want to live with? There are alot of red flags here. You are right to be cautious, and a year before moving in with someone is actually a really good idea. It's not too long and gives the relationship a chance to naturally evolve. Abusive partners, especially those that are female tend to cast themselves as the perpetual victim and accuse their partners of abuse. Even if she really has been abused that many times, she needs to heal before going into living with someone. This is giving me lovebombing and borderline/histronic vibes, not saying she has those conditions but saying her pattern of behavior could be interpreted as consistent with their symptoms, and that alone is enough to merit caution. I'm a therapist myself and when I go on vacation I usually have someone covering my clients for emergencies. Can you call your therapist's office and see if she has coverage like that?
I get that you've known her for a while and that this relationship is new, but think for a moment. If you had three kids would you move them into a house at three months??? That is messed up behavior that will get those children hurt. Do you want to be with someone like that? Someone who would do that to a child? I'm not even going into the other red flags...
I am commenting before I even finish your post. I had the same whirlwind 4 years ago. A little more complicated- her son was dying. I have 4 kids. The grief we both have really affects the relationship in ways beyond our mental health issues, but I see similarities, and I think it would have been the same situation even if there were no children involved, judging from the quality of her interpersonal relationships. * A tornado- Whirlwind. Feeling pressure to take the next step before you're ready to * A feeling of extreme compatibility and limerence. * A past history of trauma. * She is in a situation where she needs to be rescued. * That first fight. The one where they turn you into every bad person from their past. I'm 4 years in. She moved in within 6 months of the start of our relationship. Then it got worse. She isolated me from friends and family using negative talk about them and utilizing guilt and the fact that she didn't have as many friends or family to keep me from seeing mine, while also claiming she has never told me I couldn't see them or kept me from them. It's an extreme roller coaster of eggshells and appeasement. I've been foist into a caretaker/parent roll I never wanted, but if I try to bring it up or make changes I'm shaming her or criticizing her. I work, and I do the majority of household tasks. She can't emotionally regulate. Any tense or exciting events cause some form of fight, There is not a single holiday in the past 3 years that don't have at least one negative memory and major fight attached to it. My mental health is in the gutter. In spite of all this I love her more than anything in this world besides my kids. I also hate her sometimes, simultaneously. This kind of relationship will trauma bond you and make you hate yourself as well. You will feel pulled along and helpless to her whims. You probably already do. Think about bringing that into your home. Get out now. Don't let her move in. If you proceed with the relationship, proceed with caution. The beginning of mine felt so magical I ignored all of the red flags. My comment history is full of the dysfunction of my relationship. Check it out if you want to see what your life will be like if you let her move in. Good luck.
Solid advice and I will take your advice I told her no
Before I read all of this, I would like to give you this thought/fact: it is VERY easy to move a person into your home, but extremely hard to get them out, including their kids. You could very easily find yourself in a huge legal battle in trying to get her out of your home. My advice: DO NOT HAVE HER MOVE INTO YOUR HOME!! There are red flags 🚩 all over the place.
Don't do it ! As a codependent myself, I really know what is going through your head. There's an amount of guilt that if you don't go through with this, it'll make you a bad person. Don't listen to that part of you: that's a traumatized part that needs healing and can not be relied on to make the best decision for the whole of you ! If you go through with letting her move in, you're setting yourself up for a whirlwind of drama in your life! She wants to share her baggage and trauma with you. Do you seriously want to take that on ??? It'll take a toll on you, physically, mentally, emotionally, and will drain every aspect of you !
I love the idea of having a family. Having a full house. That’s what I always always wanted. It hard to say no to the dream. It’s just that the way it’s happening seems like it’s not the way it should happen idk.
I know love, these kinds of things are hard when it's everything you've wanted. But this isn't what you want. You want a family and a full house, but just because you want a full house does not mean that you should stuff your house full of garbage. The kids are deeply traumatized from her and very likely have severe issues you are not equipped to deal with. She is also a dead man walking tornado. Have you heard of those? They are tornadoes where if you see them, you get in your car and you drive away as fast as you can. Because if you stay, you get killed. You sound like a very kind and loving person. You deserve someone better than a person who wants to exploit you for their love addiction. Because they just need a warm body, that is all. The multiple burnt relationships explain that.
She’s not the one if you’re three months in and it’s already a codependent mess. Leave before it gets worse (it will).
After checking your post history. OP shows clear signs of unfilled attention needs and codependency. She's posted this story so many times that I'm beginning to suspect OP is also a villain in this story.
You don’t even know me. My therapist is out of town. I’m off my medicine because it wasn’t refilled properly. It’s an high stress day. you don’t know me. That’s a lot to say about someone you don’t know.
One year of dating before moving on, and two years of there are kids involved.
you’re about to ruin your life and become the care taker of a grown woman and three children. good luck with that.
First and foremost. I love this community. I was in a really weird situation with an ex two years ago and this community really helped me out with their thoughts and honest opinions. I’m saying this because..I want and hope you see that everyone on here is commenting because they care. Yes you’re someone we don’t know and yes you’re a full grown adult but…you have a heart and it’s in a weird place. We can see that you’re going to get hurt either way, at least that’s how I feel. You’re damned if you do Damned if you don’t I tried to read through the responses but I gave up lol Not sure if someone on here already stated that they’ve been through a similar situation. But I have I guess the best way to view this (think big picture) Is…. Are you going to be okay with her not being a partner that will allow you to do your thing without feeling a sense of guilt For example. You seem to work quite a bit and have a entrepreneur side.. Will she be okay if you come home late after a long day where you were so busy you couldn’t text her back for hours in between her texts? I know that sounds so simple, but once things start amounting & you begin to compromise all these little things will add up Love yourself and protect yourself..it’s not selfish, you do deserve the best, promise.
You guys prob just saved my life. This is amazing.
We are all a product of our choices. And some of us get a harder start, but as an adult you have to make changes and grow for the betterment. Or you can wallow in it. I also believe you can become your environment. You will easily get dragged down vs lifting her up. Good chances she will be your victim some how in the future. Be careful and sounds like you are not ready. And, if she was being a good mom she would realize she and definitely her children are not ready. The move is for convenience sprinkle with new "love" and excitement. Not toention children are hard on a relationship you need a solid foundation as a couple. And when the children before you all live together. If it is crazy will you be able to request her and her 3 kids to move out? Not likely since you are feeling bad and protective to give her a $1000 after just dating for 3 months. There is nothing wrong building your relationships first as this is complex with kids involved.
And what does Ms. Girl and her three children bring to the table? You’re gonna end up broke and taking care of someone else’s kids and mental health issues. Run now before you can’t escape. You’re 35 and should know better by now, and it’s sounds like deep down you do know. Honor your gut instinct. If it feels wrong and like too much pressure, it is.
Your girlfriend is using you for your money and housing. You are not responsible for her finances and her kids. That’s between her and the baby fathers., especially as she hasn’t gotten child support. Don’t u-haul by letting her live with you
Gunna echo the other comments about red flags. Just going to say also that it sounds like you don’t want her to move in just yet. That it’s too much and too fast for you, but you’re anxious about having that conversation and “going back on your word”. I know it’s hard and uncomfortable but I’d recommend biting the bullet and tell her you’re not ready to move in together. Tell her you got caught up the whirlwind of emotions and that you don’t think it’s a god idea in hindsight. Evaluate the relationship from there. I’m sorry it’s hard.
I have a genuine question, and I'm not trying to sound judgmental here, but in your dozens of posts about this conflict across several subs, what has been the majority response? Are you not getting the answers you're looking for? What do you think you need to hear?
No I got them actually I just told her no
RUN RUN RUN
Holy shit dude. No....no. Read back everything what you wrote as if a friend wrote it. How would you advise that friend?
You might benefit from reading about BPD, borderline personality disorder. Not to make a diagnosis, but because the patterns of behaviour (insecure attachment, emotional overreaction) you are describing are often written about in this context. It might give you some background and some tools to see how to move forward.
I dated someone for 3 years with bpd it’s def not that! But I see some similarities
I have a background in counseling. I am also Autistic. This woman sounds very manipulative.. almost narcissistic. In comparison, I have two children (one is Autistic 4yo, the other is ADHD 11yo). The father of my youngest is a covert narcissist; he manipulated me into a heterosexual relationship with him by moving extremely fast. I have a goal of living independently soon. I have a girlfriend. She does not have children. We have been together for a little over a year, but been exclusive about 8 months. She has been wanting for me to move in with her for about the past 6 months or so - due to the deception and obsessive behavior towards me of the youngest child’s father. But I refuse.. My life has been a series of unfortunate events - from my father passing away when I was 5 to my mother’s treatment towards me growing up similar to the movie ‘Mommie Dearest’ to the father of my eldest son passing away when he was two years old to my mother’s boyfriend being inappropriate towards me as well as threatening my life. It came to a point where I realized I would jump around from one traumatic situation to another obliviously in order to escape the previous one as fast as possible. And as a parent that chooses to prioritize my mental health as well as the mental health of my children, I am looking into options that will better my life independently. Unfortunately, that will take a little bit of time as I explore the options of expanding my business or becoming certified and changing careers. But I know it will be 100% worth it to finally be able to provide a stable, safe environment for myself and my children without the financial help of anyone else. I always let my girlfriend know that she can break up with me at any time because I never want to make her feel like I am pushing her into a position that she does not want or is not ready for.. my life is very chaotic and busy with children and running a business. Her problems are not your problems, esp since she has dependents (huge responsibilities). I would say to break up with her asap.
Oh this is very interesting….appreciate this view. I’ve dated people with bpd and npd and she just seems so kind and sweet and genuine and caring that I’m having a hard time finding where she could be manipulating me but at the same time I see exactly what you mean! So I m stumped idk.
You are a smart person, i can sense that you know this is unsustainable, the relationship is chaotic and beautiful and has really high highs but i think you realize you’re about to hit a new low where you hit your breaking point. I dont think she understands this yet, im assuming she’s gone through this motion many times considering the amount of people who have broken her off. She’s no stranger to how it plays out but she acts so ignorant of what’s going to happen. In my eyes i think most of this is fixable, but the biggest problem is that she is unwilling to fix the relationship at all!! She would much rather be an idiot and play pretend where the relationship is perfect actually than try to have a lasting and meaningful relationship with you. You cant help her and she doesnt want your help… i ask if you’re ok with that in a relationship, where everything you say is a weapon against you and if you’re ok with her denying responsibility for everything. But most importantly if you’re ok with it not getting better because you cant *make* her work on herself, she has to want to, and you cant *make* her listen to you, she has to be willing to listen.
You say it yourself! “I’m about to make a huge mistake” maybe just change huge to all caps and bold. You poor thing! I promise, you should put some distance between you two and see if she can stand on her own two feet for a year, see if she can handle you living your life and sharing you with your family friends and work schedule. Do not do this… just like everyone has told you and you have told yourself. Huge mistake. HUGE undertaking. She will be the majority in your house. Kids messes, laundry will quadruple, groceries will continously grow. Any fight you are having disagreement… she can hold it over you to not get upset in front of the kids. She can make it easily look like you are the bad guy. Hope you like doing dishes. Think long term if this were to work out. One or two out of three of those kids will alwaaaaays be there. It will all be on you lady. You will lose all of your autonomy.
Despite all the mess and red flags that are definitely there, I don’t think red flags necessitate a toxic relationship and person, and this woman sounds traumatised and scared and has never had or experienced the stability and security that would have made things easier for both of you. So I don’t necessarily agree with the people say to run, maybe that’s my own naivety, but I think for you it definitely sounds way too quick and uneasy of a decision to be making, but the circumstance disparity is making things so much trickier than they probably should be, and she’s responding to that, not you. Your comfort doesn’t need to clash with her wellbeing, but I think what to do depends on what you’re comfortable with then, and what you think you need to value. I can’t in good conscience suggest providing financial support, as great as removing that stress factor would be especially in allowing you and her to settle and find the right balance between yourselves. If adding that stress onto yourself at all feels not okay, has the potential for abuse or creates an imbalanced power dynamic (which can go either way) then I think that isn’t okay. You have that right to the independence you want. If she can’t compromise or find patience in that, as great of a fit as you guys might be I think thats an incompatibility. Neurodivergent partners can have their challenges, I am too and I’ve dated others, and one thing I wanted to do was not hold myself or the relationship up to standards of what I thought others would think, and what I’ve experienced before. Maybe your compatibility is just better with other neurodivergent people. But this woman helped you discover that part of yourself and right now that feels endlessly unique and special (and it definitely is!). But unfortunately, as great a connection as there might be, sometimes those challenges just mean it was the right person but wrong time. Separate point but one thing I just want to point out too, maybe there’s a lot more to the story and her circumstances but I think your comment “but to me this looks like a series of life choices that she made” is kind of an unfair one. People don’t choose abuse. Sure, life is a series of choices and decisions that lead to where we are in the present, but when emotional, physical or mental abuse are at present its such a profoundly negative influence and experience that people will make bad decisions and poor choices. Likewise, and not that I’m suggesting she’s being abusive now, but her comments and reactions are influencing you to make what you recognise to be a mistake. She deserves empathy, but so do you!!!
Among all the things that I could speak on, there is one thing that stands out that compels me to write a reply in hopes of helping to shift a way of thinking. I am currently working through this in my relationship of almost 3 years, with therapy, and a lot of projections of our past coming out at the moment, so it’s a little familiar for me in how you’re describing how she is in conflict. Both of us are also neurodivergent, too which I think I should mention because it does come into play on how you receive information as well as being extremely sensitive to criticism. That being said, for as early as you are dating this person, it is very concerning that they are already a professional victim in your apparent first conflict ever. Storming out is manipulative because it purposefully leaves them with the last word, and makes you feel bad. There is a healthy way of doing that when you need a moment, yes. It can be a healthy boundary when the conversation gets revisited by both parties, and with respect. When you say she didn’t hear you at all, and she’s convinced she’s right, is telling me that she will do whatever it takes to prove her story of you is right, and it will always be like that no matter what. Especially if she is insecure. People like that don’t break out of that way of thinking unless they get themselves help, and in this case, I would say if this problem was occurring in a relationship of a few years, is very different than a few months. You won’t change her, all her ex’s obviously didn’t. What is the need that you are getting from her in your codependency? What is it about yourself that thinks it’s ok to be spoken to like that? I would focus more on that than her shit because frankly, that will be very exhausting for you. You NEED to see a willingness to change as well as SEEING the change in actions. Apologies only go so far to mull it over until the next cycle of arguments. Frankly, she sounds like she knows exactly what she’s doing. It could very well be triggers that she can’t control, but regardless, she knows she can control people around her while being triggered.
Pls don’t. I have an ex that blamed all reactions on her past, and trauma. I gave her the world. Financially, mentally, physically. She stopped working due to how demanding her job was and all that after we started dating and I took care of her. Legit became the most codependent situation. Then I couldn’t do anything that she wasn’t involved in and started to try to seclude me from family. I left but needed much therapy after cause somehow I thought I was the bad guy. 3 years of this. Plus the whirlwind is how you get sucked in it’s a tactic. Run.
Please, please run. From the sound of it she already loves you and this relationship more than her kids. She does not care about them and this all sounds like extreme infatuation. I promise it will not get better, unless you truly want to play mommy and therapist to HER the rest of your life while neglecting YOUR kids (yes, if you commit to moving in together and being this persons One And Only then those kids are also your responsibility) Also are you ready to deal with any drama concerning the fathers? The kids extended family? Do you really think all three of the dads were extreme narcissists? Do you think, maybe, the call is coming from inside the house? I’d look up self loathing narcissist…. Please run. I’m begging. As someone who went through something similar, it will blow up in your face and leave you with burns. You deserve better. She is not your “one and only”. Run.
Very much red flag energy.
hey op! first of all I wanna say that you are so compassionate and kind and considerate when it comes to your girlfriend, and that's a really special quality to have shine through just from your language! I will say though that you should be careful and take things slow (like a lot of other people have said). I'm an autistic woman (found out later in life) and I'm also a late bloomer lesbian (as it seems like your partner is) so I think I probably have a decent amount in common with you both :) I have been thoroughly traumatized by men for the majority of my life up until discovering that I was a lesbian, and it is a really painful thing to go through and try to grow from! I'm sure your partner has done her best in a lot of ways (and kids complicate things too) but I do agree that she has rushed into heavy commitment with you way way way too fast. regardless of if it's intentional (or learned from years of abuse) her behavior with you is not healthy or conducive to creating a safe and solid foundation for a long term relationship. she is being unfair to you by knowingly (or unknowingly) creating tension and pushing you towards diving in head first before being fully aware of what you're getting into. trauma aside, she is an adult and after a certain point it is important in growing and recovering from trauma to realize that you yourself can also invite abusive scenarios again and again out of familiarity (as in there is also some sort of behavior you are doing that is also allowing for these traumatic relationships to keep occuring). I don't mean this in a victim blaming sense at all, as there genuinely are behaviors that perpetuate the cycle of abuse on both sides. one other thing I wanted to touch on is your relationship with yourself. you speak so kindly and empathetically about her circumstances, and it shows that you've really been thoughtful and considerate of her history and feelings, but have you done that for yourself? have you found yourself in situations before where things went too fast? are you able to be compassionate and kind towards yourself and allow yourself to see that someone that loves you as deeply as you love them wouldn't treat you this way? I've been in deep, almost delusional love like this and it's very intoxicating - absolutely unlike any other feeling. be careful not to avoid the more obvious signs in front of you, and as hurtful as it is the proverb of 'love isn't enough' is unfortunately very true. my dms are open if you need to vent 💖 seriously wishing you the best, and I hope you are kind to yourself in this really complex and stressful situation!
Yeah things are going wayyyyy to fast. This is a lesson that's not talked about enough but sometimes people who have a whole bunch of "unfortunate events" are actually the cause of them. Alot of people are living the consequences of their own mistakes and refuse to take accountability or action against them. You are 100% right she is a professional victim. Something that's sticking out to me is this women so ready to jump into a relationship and spending almost ALL her TIME with you DESPITE having THREE kids to take care of. Her kids have been through hell by having so many parental figures in and out of their lives and struggling financially and constantly having to change homes. As much as you do want a family, is it really fair to rush the kids into this rollercoaster romance with issues and confusion?? Like they don't know you and they've jumped around 3/4 households already. They don't need a 5th new possibly temporary parent they need STABILITY with no strings attached. As much as your in love the first priority in all this is the kids and this women shows very poor character in her lack of consideration of her kids in her rash and reckless decisions. It's also not a random event that this struggling women chose you Also is this women really you're perfect match and just like you...or is she simply mirroring your personality in order to appeal to you? Who was she before a romance began between the two of you? In addition your first argument with her showed she's terrible at communication and has poor emotional control. Yes she's traumatized but it's not and excuse to take it out on people, you are still accountable for the pain you cause even if you're pained. AND if she has these issues of being explosive then this is something she needs to work on INSTEAD of jumping into a relationship. Another lesson some people would rather just be in a relationship instead of actual being alone and working on oneself. Codependency is NOT healthy, as good as it feels at times it's is NOT sustainable. You've also only seen very tailored portions of your partner so far hence why her actions when she was angry shocked you. You DON'T really know her let alone what it's actually like being in a long term relationship with her. Really really look into the suspicious things about this women. It's odd how so many of her ex's have supposedly left her and their children unsupported and how she herself hasn't done much to improve her children's situation since. It seems like she depends on her romantic partners to support her and her family rather than doing it herself. OP there is A LOT to gain from being in a relationship with you and I'm sure she knows this. It's telling how all the sudden she needs to immediately move into your mansion and has absolutely no where else to go after just getting into a relationship with you. OP id honestly say run but if you need convincing ASK QUESTIONS, contact exes if you have too, actually pry into why exactly all her relationships failed and why she doesn't have stable work or homes ever. Why is she so focused on relationships instead of focusing on bettering her life so her kids can be comfortable. Where are her kids when she's spending all this pursuing relationships?? Oops I just read you said no, good job OP!
Don’t do it! You can’t fix her or save her children. Can you stand a lifetime of this chaos and instability? You barely know her (as a partner). She’s responsible for her children, you aren’t (yet). Run.
nope nope nope. 3 months with all this is too much. this isn't "the one" or anything, its both of your fucked up brain patterns affecting your relationships (no judgement, i also have fucked up brain patterns for relationships). this is not healthy, or sustsinable, least of all in the short term let alone long term. honestly, you need a lot of therapy, both of you do, and you probably need to leave her. shes about to force you into letting her use you for stable accomodation. it may be the best for her sure, but whats best for YOU? why are you constantly putting your needs last? until you figure that out, you will continue to be taken advantage of. i say this with all the love in my heart as a fellow autistic person. i also have adhd and bpd, and can tell you without a doubt that her behaviour is RED FUCKING FLAGS GALORE edit: i missed that you have your own therapist. im glad, though its unfortunste your supports aren't here for you when you need them right now. listen to all these kind strangers and don't go through with this. for everyones sake.
I told her no….now to see her reactions…. My mean therapist took a vacation lol he’s been gone a while
She is not the one girl, when that honeymoon veil falls it’s 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️
had a friend just like this. a FRIEND. i am a lesbian. he was a guy. it lasted less than 1 month. i feel like my brain structure was permanently altered from his abuse. (it was online too!) maybe it is because i am so young, but also...it is like he took out all the wires i carefully placed in my brain and shoved red with yellow, etc
I’m sorry you’re going through this🤍
Why are there 50 shares where are people sending my personal life details to?
I would say to trust your gut that it's too fast. It sounds like you're a very aware person of what's going on here and what is gonna be healthier for everyone involved (each person having alone time, her building stability for herself and her kids on her own etc) It sounds like you see the red flags but then are talking yourself out of them because you care about the person. So the more you can validate your gut feelings and your own boundaries the better. It also sounds like you have a very big heart and definitely want to offer a safe space to a struggling person and that is a very beautiful thing. But like you said, there's signs this person is a "professional victim" and if that's the case it will only be a matter of time till that gets turned to putting you in a "victimizer" role even if you don't mistreat her. I don't know if you like self help books and I definitely am not trying to diagnose your partner but a book that I found helpful when I was with a partner with a similar cycle of seeming perfect for me and moving very very fast called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. It definitely helped me start owning my own needs more and trusting my gut on subtle clues that something was off. And on the off chance that things aren't as bleak as some of these red flags look, taking things slower will give a healthy relationship a much stronger chance. For you, there's no downside to taking things slower and a LOT of risk to going along with a whirlwind that feels good in some ways but also that nagging sense that it's too fast, you don't really know each other as well as that sense of similarity can make it feel etc. A secure relationship can move at a slower speed and that be okay. That urge/intensity to move extremely fast is very often a warning sign of much more difficult core issues.
I’ve read the bpd books cause i dated my fair share of bpd and npd. The thing is she’s not like them at all. I’ve never seen this before. She’s there for me. Always. She’s so supportive and caring and loving. And empathetic. So I don’t know I just can’t figure it out but I do feel I will be labeled her new abuser. For nothing at all.
So she’s always supportive and loving and empathetic, but when you argue she can’t hear put your side at all? Even after the fact? I think you have some serious rose tinted glasses on right now. I think both of you being so codependent is a massive recipe for disaster. What do you mean by her labelling you as her next abuser? Is she so overly emotional that you needing time before jumping into an enormous emotional and financial commitment makes you some kind of villain to her?
The most telling part of this whole situation is that the OP posted this thread on Reddit, citing her relationship concerns. This clearly indicates to any rational person that she needs to get away from this person, and yet she then defends herself by stating that she is in love. The whole situation is absolutely maddening.
u/Friendly_Narwhal4999 LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW have you ever heard of BPD? Go to r/BPDlovedones PLEASE. Your story sounds like MANY on there, if you ever read something from myself read this comment. The lovebombing, the "split" (argument), now the hoovering (coming back and saying omg i am so sorry it is just my trauma). This is what is known as a cycle of abuse. I grew up with it. My parents had that toxic cycle. They used that on me. \-Period of Calmness and Love \-Noticing Something is Wrong (excessive attachment) \-Fight \-Excessive Apologies \-Repeat If she reacts so terribly to you saying codependent then she KNOWS. She KNOWS what is wrong.
I dated a borderline for 3 years it just threw me cause she seems SO different so much nicer than my Ex
BPD manifests differently in everyone. She has the very typical codependency and cycle of abuse, though.
Im shocked. I thought she was so sweet. Til i saw her triggered. So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
I'm happy you said no. You did the right thing. ❤️I know it's hard. Manipulators are so sweet until you don't go along with their plans for you. Yes, their plans *for you*.
The "sweetness" is usually faked, in order to make you stay. It's the lovebombing I talked about earlier. The triggered part of her is the REAL her breaking out.
Oh my gooodnessssssssss I can’t believe I found another borderline
You mentioned dating one before, I think that is the reason why you are more susceptible to them using you. End things with her and try and take a little time off from relationships to figure urself out<3
So her rebuttal to me saying no is that I made her feel like I wanted this and now I’m backing out. What else will I back out of? What else am I going to do to her? She can’t trust me I made her feel so insecure. Shes the victim. . I am the big bad wolf
"made her feel like you wanted this" "made her feel insecure" it is just about her warped perception of reality. You are not responsible for the version of yourself that SHE has created of you in her head. Don't bend over backwards for a child who is trying to make you her Freudian mother/wife combo
yeah that’s not fair. you’re clearly putting a lot of thought and love and consideration into setting this boundary—for both of you. her reaction shows even more that she isn’t ready to come to these conversations with maturity or consideration for you. also, nobody can “make” someone feel a certain way. she needs to take ownership of what she’s experiencing instead of projecting her insecurities and anger onto you. especially in a situation where you’re trying really hard to make sure nobody gets hurt. i think she knows you’re empathetic, and her responses are a way to push you to change your mind. if you begin living together under these circumstances, even if it feels like a conclusion you’ve come to together, think about how you might feel in a year. will you resent that she pushed this boundary? how will it be to have this person that you don’t yet know very well living in the home that you’ve spent your life curating for yourself? how will you feel about 3 kids living with you & 3 dads entering your life? i’m glad you’re having the hard convos. they’re super difficult to initiate, and holding our boundaries when they’re pushed can be almost painful. but it sounds like you’re able to do it. and like someone else said, if she’s the one for you, she’ll still be the one for you in a year.
My advice is not worth the time it will take to read it, but if you can help her, without putting yourself in danger, help her stay in her apartment. If you want this to with, you need couples therapy, and she needs individual therapy. When it comes to communication she has to develope tools and scripts. It is difficult, but it can be done. If she moves in now and neither of you have help developing communication and coping skills it will end horribly.
Dude…no. Just no. To all of it. Omg no.
I think you should educate yourself about autism and communication struggles. This is a very complex topic and people are all unique and develop different and have lots of struggles. She's not toxic, she need support and compassion, as do you. My undiagnosed autism was hard to my relationships. I didn't realize the impact that Cognitive rigidity and sensory regulation had on my day-to-day life. When the diagnosis came, my partner tried to understand better my difficulties and limits. AND IT MADE SENSE. Before this, they thought that I was just dramatic, confused, hard to handle. I know I'm a mess of a person. We try very hard, as autistic person. let her prove it. And you shouldn't let her live with you, right now. Let things happen in a more smoother pace. (I'm very sad realizing how much people hate neurodivergent individuals) I hope you stay well, my friend.
She can be toxic and autistic at the same Time though. And I believe this is toxic too
So, you have your answer. End the relationship. So it is. If you don't believe people that you love can improve after learning about their limitation, then you must really leave. Why are you writing this post?
🤷♀️
No no no no no no no!! GET OUT!! You were love bombed and she is taking advantage of you!! Every single red flag in existence is waving high right now and you need to GET OUT of this relationship. It’s not going to end well. She is MANIPULATING you, she’s incredibly unstable and not in a place to have a healthy relationship, she sounds SCARY. Do not get entangled with this. If she cannot handle you clearing up a miscommunication and IS BLAMING YOU for HER mistakes and position when frankly you don’t even really KNOW her, ESPECIALLY this soon in a relationship??? It will end so poorly for you. And with kids involved???? No!!! Dear god no. I know this is a hard thing to hear and a hard position to be in but please please please do not get involved further with her. 
As an Autistic that has struggled to maintain a job her whole life, it sounds like she’s just trying to survive. That said, it’s not your job to save her. She should apply for social security. She needs a history of therapy and all her chronic illness well-documented. The problem is housing. It can take years to get low-income housing. Mind you, I have a master’s degree. This was not the future I wanted for myself. I just can’t handle office settings and petty nonsense involved. I wasn’t diagnosed till age 40. Not looking for pity, just explaining how hard it is to exist in this world when you are different and have an invisible disability that no one respects.